165. Doctor Death: Seeker of Souls (1973)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, leather jacket, white sneakers, blue jeans and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce glass of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host….

*Suddenly some 6 foot 8 300 pound monster in overalls and a hockey mask revs up a chainsaw and goes to slice up Warlock. He turns and punches the guy in the balls, the chainsaw goes flying into the yard and he drops into fetal position clutching his nuts*

Warlock: …The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots a fireball that fries the monster before he walks inside.

Warlock: Happy Halloween here at the Realm. Today we’re honoring Halloween with a movie not seen by many in over 40 years.

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: Why can’t we watch something a little more relevant?

Warlock: Because this was on sale.

*Suddenly the door to the lair bursts open and a 5 foot tall bat hisses in the doorway. Mr. America nonchalantly pulls out his .45 service pistol and shoots it in the head*

America: Well if its on sale then I guess I can’t argue.

*Warlock kicks the carcas out the door and shuts it. America holsters his gun*

Warlock: Tonight’s movie is Doctor Death: Seeker of Souls. It came out in 1973 and the REAL reason we’re watching this will be revealed later.

America: Oh just great.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get this Halloween party started with Doctor Death.

 

*The Warlock reads the tagline*

Warlock: “A thousand-year-old magician has mastered he art of transferring souls from one body to another and thereby manages to perpetuate himself by jumping from one body to the next”

America: Wait a minute. He’s a magician? I thought he was a doctor?

Warlock: He’s a prestidigitator.

America: He presses refrigerators?

 

*Movie opens with ambulance alarms and a neon sign that say Emergency*

America: Was this built on a former motel plot? Look at that sign.

 

*Real doctor looks sad as Fred Saunders (Barry Coe) walks in. Nurse shows Fred a woman near death*

Warlock: Who are you? Love the 70’s haircut on Fred.

 

*Woman dies*

Warlock and America: Ehhhhhhhhhhhh

 

*Funeral procession has woman’s casket being carried through cemetary*

Warlock: No credits, no plot.

America: Its the first five minutes of the movie.

 

*Greg Vaughn (Stewart Moss) gives his condolences before Fred tells him he wants to be alone. He tells the groundskeeper to screw and never to lock the gate. He opens the casket and asks Laura (Jo Morrow) to come back. A voice says she’ll come back*

America: The hell??

 

*A hand grabs Fred’s hand as he sleeps and Laura appears only with a skeleton face. Opening credits*

Warlock: Alright, for 1973 I can go with that jump scare.

 

*Greg and Fred walk through the cemetary as Greg says its not Fred’s fault she died. Greg offers Fred tickets to the fights tonight*

Warlock: I wanna go to the fights, don’t you?

America: What’s the card?

Warlock: Kid Bert vs Lefty Ernie

America: No thanks.

 

*Fred calls Jim (Leon Williams) and asks for a seance hookup from Madam Katrina*

Warlock: Loved the 70’s white afro and glasses.

 

*Katrina (Athena Lorde) moans and “makes contact”

Warlock: Is she a fortune teller or a zombie?

 

*Katrina reaches out to Bob (Eric Boles) and says she located his grandmother. He says she’s still alive*

Warlock: HAhahahahahahaha

 

*Katrina reaches out to Fred and he hears Laura’s voice*

Warlock: She’s either really good or he’s hearing shit.

 

*Fred gets up and reaches behind the curtain, revealing another woman. He walks out*

Warlock: Hahaha

America: This guy rules.

 

*Fred attends a gathering full of men in hooded robes chanting in latin*

America: Great, now we’ve gone from seance to cult.

 

*Fred asks the old Wizard (Robert Ball) to see his dead wife he brought back to life. He picks up dirt and says here she is before laughing maniacally*

Warlock: What the fuck?

 

*Greg gives Fred a tongue lashing for trying to bring Laura back. Fred goes back to work at a large office building. The hot secretary Sandy (Cheryl Miller) brings him his coffee as he goes over his mail*

Warlock: Tell me she gets naked.

America: You..er….nevermind.

 

*Fred sees an ad for reincarnation and phones the number*

America: That’s convenient.

 

*Fred goes to Nicky Blair’s to meet Tana (Florence Marly). They talk and he tells her he wants her back. Tana says there’s only one person who can help him. Tana says he’ll be there tomorrow night if she goes with him*

Warlock: More hullaballooo

 

*Fred and Tana knock on a mansion door. A fat guy lets them in. They sit in a crowd in front of a stage. Tana says she doesn’t know what’s going on. She calls him Dr. Brilliance aka Dr. Death (John Cosidine)*

America: Brilliance? I thought he was Death.

 

*Doctor Death comes out and introduces himself*

America: Yes ladies and gentlemen, I borrowed this ascot from Fred from Scooby Doo.

 

*Doctor Death asks everyone to take an oath of silence and never reveal what we see tonight*

Warlock: I take that oath, this may not be good.

 

*Man in crowd (Moe Howard) repeats the oath*

Warlock: Recognize the old guy?

America: No.

Warlock: I’ll give you a hint in a minute.

 

*Death reveals a blonde, busty woman is dead*

America: Hahaha what?

 

*Old man volunteers to test her heartbeat “Oh soitainly”

America: Oh shit!

Warlock: Figured it out yet?

America: God dammit.

Warlock: *pokes America in the eye*

America: Gahhh! Its Moe Howard.

Warlock: Wow.

America: How many movies was he in without the Stooges?

Warlock: None, this was the only one.

 

*Doctor Death reveals a woman alive with one eye and burns. Says he’s going to transfer the soul of the living woman into the gorgeous body. First he says he’s going to saw the girl in half for real. The fat guy is Thor (Leon Askin)

Warlock: Hey that’s Thor!

America: Not impressed.

 

*Fred says “He’s mad!”  Tana “Like a fox” Thor and Death really do cut her in half. He then summons her soul in front of everyone. Fred “That’s murder!” Tana “Is it? She didn’t want to live in that body.”

America: Okay Kevorkian.

 

*The ghost of the now dead woman enters body of gorgeous blonde girl. She wakes up. He asks the audience what her name is. He says her name is now Venus (Sivi Aberg). Old man says “That was quite a stunt”

Warlock: Soitenly!

 

*Death introduces himself to Tana and Fred. Fred is skeptical as Old man continues to check out Venus*

Warlock: I’d love to see Moe be the hero at the end and hit Death over the head with a mallet or something.

America: How old was he?

Warlock: By 1973, he was 76 at the time.

 

 

*A gay man (Jeffrey Herman) wants to be put in a woman’s body. Death looks at him funny and walks off*

Warlock: That dude would fit right in today.

 

*Fred sees Laura’s ghost in the cemetery and follows her to her tomb. He then stops walking and starts driving in his car*

America: Now you’re just asking for trouble.

 

*The groundskeeper (Jim Boles) finds Fred talking to himself. Fred opens the casket and Laura is in there*

America: Still dead.

 

*Sandy walks into Fred’s office*

Warlock: Hello….

 

*Sandy asks him out and he says he’ll take her to dinner. He hears his wife’s voice saying she’ll come back. Fred then bails on her 30 seconds later*

Warlock: Well better 30 seconds than 3 hours.

 

*Fred calls Tana and says he wants Doctor’s help to bring Laura back*

America: Of course, otherwise there would be no movie.

Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!

America: *On phone* Yes, Tana….I’ve moved on.

Warlock and America: THE END!

 

*Venus changes in front of a pleased Dr. Death*

Warlock: Steve Williams would kick the crap out of this guy.

America: Is that the price tag or the designer label?

Warlock: Just the fact you noticed the tag and not her body is disconcerting.

 

*Tana tries to get his attention but he blows her off. Thor knocks on the door and say Fred is here. Death continues to hit on Venus*

America: She’s either gonna turn on him or he’s going to kill her first. MAKE YOUR BETS NOW!

 

*Death meets Fred in the study. He says Thor is a brave man to have his eye and tongue ripped out. The tongue by an angry sheik*

Warlock: The Iron Sheik got pissed.

 

*Tana passive aggressively attacks Venus before throwing acid on her*

Warlock: He is not gonna be happy.

 

*Fred asks what Death can do. Death says he can’t bring her soul back but can bring life to the body*

Warlock: But she was already pumped with formaldehyde, how would that work?……why am I asking you?

America: Yeah, why are you?

 

*Death says he wants 50 grand up front to do the procedure. Fred says sure*

America: FIFTY GRAND????

 

*Death says a thousand years ago he was an old man dying and he found a way to move his soul from one body to another. He used his peasant apprentice’s body to transfer his soul*

Warlock: The first of many, many murders.

 

*Death continues to tell how he jumped from one body to another*

America: Yes, and keeping my serum for years exposes myself to muggers!

 

*Death says he could rule the world but instead he has more pleasurable pursuits in mind*

Warlock: Hahaha yeah, that would be me too. I love how Fred doesn’t find any of that farfetched.

 

*Death comes back to find Venus dead. Meanwhile Greg tries to get Fred and Sandy to go to dinner. Sandy explains how he got a phone call and just left. Sandy and Greg say they care for Fred. Meanwhile Fred gives the 50 grand in cash to Death*

Warlock: He had 50 grand just laying around right?

America: Yeah, sure.

 

*Fred wants to know who’s soul would enter his wife’s body. Death reveals a bound and gagged Tana. Fred protests but Thor throws a knife at her and kills her. Death tells Fred not to worry about it*

Warlock: Oh well.

 

*Death uses his serum to bring Tana’s soul out of her dead body. Death “Next stop, your wife’s tomb”. Next scene is at the crypt where Death says Laura is lovely.  Death commands Tana to enter the body, Tana smiles and walks away.”

Warlock: What?

 

*Fred says forget it, keep the money and go away. Meanwhile Death is flabbergasted that he failed. He wonders why*

Warlock: The plot thickens!!

 

*Fred asks Greg what to do. Greg believes him and says since actual murders took place, they could go to the police and have Death arrested on murder charges. Fred says no, he’d be an accomplice*

Warlock: Not really.

America: Yeah really, he did pay him 50 grand remember? Death could say “See? He paid me to do it.”

 

*Fred hears Laura’s voice again as we cut to Thor driving Death around. He sees a girl on the side of the road with a flat tire (Denise Denise). She screams and Thor chases after her. She falls and dies. Death takes her soul and takes her to the crypt. He tries to get her to enter Laura’s body but it doesn’t work. Death tells Thor to keep driving, he must not fail*

Warlock: They better explain this in the last half hour.

 

*Some kid (Larry Rogers) stabs Death and black goo sprays in his face. The kid dies and we get progression pictures of his face melting*

Warlock: They couldn’t get the special effects right in 1973.

 

*Death reveals his infected wound to Thor and says he’s not gonna stop until he gets a soul in there*

Warlock: The movie ends with him dying while Fred has no idea it happened, wouldn’t that be something?

 

*Some lady (Lin Henson) is stalked by Death. He enters her room and she screams. Death can’t get her soul in either. Meanwhile Fred wakes up from a nightmare with Laura’s voice saying she’ll come back. Meanwhile Fred tells Groundskeeper to lock the door now, saying he feels better. Greg tells him to go shack up with Sandy. Fred says sure and we get a montage of them going on dates*

Warlock: Awwww isn’t that sweet.

 

*Fred goes for a nightcap with Sandy while some woman answers a telephone booth (Anna Bernard). Death tells her to stay put as she sees a headline “Murders of Young Girls Continue To Puzzle Police” on a nearby paper. She sees Death and Thor coming but doesn’t move*

America: You saw the headline, why aren’t you running?

 

*Death “This girl kisses better when she’s dead than Tana did when she was alive*

America: So he’s a klepto…great.

Warlock:…..a klepto is a thief, you’re thinking of necro…pebblebrain.

America: You know what I mean.

 

*Death goes to the locked crypt and recognizes the groundskeeper as his old friend Franz.  Death reveals he put the soul into this body. Death “When you can afford a new one, you know where to come.” Franz hands Death the key to the tomb*

Warlock: Heel turn!

 

*Harry (Pierre Gonneau) and Alice (Barbar Boles) are in the car. Thor kills Harry and Death takes her soul. Once again it doesn’t work. Death is now obsessed, searching for answers as his infection worsens. “I haven’t much time’

Warlock: This is going to be anti-climatic at this rate.

 

*Death goes up to Venus who’s still alive. He says she hasn’t left in two weeks. Death chops her head off as Fred calls Greg. Fred says he and Sandy are coming over for dinner. Sandy brings him a package, its Venus’ severed head*

Warlock: Mind if I eat?

 

*The note from Death “This is to let you know, I’m still trying”

Warlock: Yeah the cops are gonna love to hear you explain this.

 

*Death tries to get Venus soul into Laura’s body. It fails. Death asks why her body rejects the souls. Death swears he will succeed*

Warlock: If they don’t explain..I’ll swear too.

 

*Greg and Fred investigate the unlocked tomb and open Laura’s casket*

America: Still dead.

 

*Greg suggests to bury the body*

Warlock: Should have done that from the beginning.

 

*Death closes a book “So THAT’S it. I need a soul as strong as Laura’s. Show me that soul!*

Warlock: Why is he asking me? I can’t help him.

 

*Its revealed Sandy is the only one who can work and Death smiles*

Warlock: Finally, let’s end this.

 

*Death walks up to Fred and says he’s got the answer. He says that only Sandy’s soul can revive his dead wife. He waves bye to them and leaves*

Warlock: Planting the seed right?

America: Yeah.

 

*Sandy locks the door and picks up her cat*

Warlock: That cat won best supporting actor.

America: How so?

 

*Death says he accidentally killed a patient by bleeding them to death slowly. He says that’s how he’s going to do it. He asks Thor if he’s ever seen someone bleed to death*

Warlock: Oh great.

 

*Greg and Fred ponder what to do at a bar before leaving. Sandy’s doorbell rings and she hears Fred’s voice. She opens but its Doctor Death. He pounces on her as Fred and Greg pound on Death’s door*

America: Oh boy, we have MUSIC!

Warlock: Sounds like a 70’s cop drama theme.

 

*Fred and Greg drive back to Sandy’s while Death and Igor has Sandy on a slab*

Warlock: Wait, they were just there.

 

*Death cuts Sandy’s wrist. She slowly bleeds out. Greg and Fred go to Sandy’s and find the place empty*

Warlock: Wow, these guys are morons. Had they stayed at his place, they would have stopped him.

 

*Death taunts Sandy as she’s dying. He promises he’ll get a new body for himself and get a soul for her body*

Warlock: Yeah that aint happening.

 

*Fred and Greg drive with a police cruiser behind them*

Warlock: Are they getting pulled over? That would be a bitch and a half.

 

*Fred, Greg and the squad car pull up and they run onto Death’s mansion. Death hears commotion and tells Thor to get rid of them. He opens the door and they barge in. They shoot Thor dead*

Warlock: Bye bye Thor.

America: Not looking too good for Sandy.

 

*Fred and Greg run in and Greg puts a tourniquet on her wrist to save her*

Warlock: How did they know EXACTLY what to do as soon as they ran into the room.

America: I know its not knowing what to do, its instinctive reaction. She’s bound to a table with a beaker of blood by her hand.

Warlock: Yes, but they knew that as they were running into a room?

*They argue for 10 minutes*

Warlock: Alright let’s move on.

 

*Death hitches a ride with two hippies to the cemetery*

America: Hahahaha

 

*Death goes up to the crypt. He shouts out to Franz and Franz reports that they buried the body. Meanwhile Greg tells Fred that Sandy is okay*

Warlock: Yup, she’s saved.

 

*Death’s body is out cold by the casket. Meanwhile Laura gets up and grabs the serum vial before staring directly into the camera. “Fred, I’ve come back darling.” Death’s real voice “I’ve come back. Oh yes, I’ve come back. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!”

Warlock: okay…..

 

*End credits*

Warlock: Well, its over.

America: That was a very unsatisfying ending.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I’ll give it a 4. It had a well developed plot, character development, good effects but an unsatisfying ending. Setting itself up for a sequel nobody wants to see.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I’ll give it a 6. It had a good plot, good special effects for its time. The plot was good, character development was good. We also had Moe Howard so it gets a point for that.

Final Grade: 5 out of 10: Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: I thought it was good, it was a decent movie for its time even if it hasn’t aged well. It was great to see Moe Howard one last time before his death in 1975. There was no bad language or nudity but still managed to be good. That about wraps up another….

*Mr America cuts him off*

America: I still don’t understand how you can’t figure out her wrist was cut just by looking at it.

Warlock: That’s not the point, the point is he already knew the wrist was slashed as soon as he RAN in the room without stopping.

*Suddenly a huge spider, about 4 feet tall emerges from behind the couch, it hisses at America. America nonchalantly picks up a nearby carbine rifle*

America: It doesn’t take a brainiac to see if a woman has a beaker of blood underneath a hand to know what happened!

*America non-chalantly blows the spider away as it explodes into several smaller spiders. The spiders make their way toward the duo*

Warlock: Yes but he ran in the room already knowing what had happened. He didn’t run in, assess it for a second and THEN react. He literally ran in and ran for the wrist.

*Warlock shoots a fireball and fries all the little spiders. The closet door opens and a zombified half monkey, half troll emerges and growls*

America: Yeah, because its in PLAIN VIEW plus she was bound and gagged. Even a goosebrain like you could figure it out.

*America shoots the monkey troll in the head and Warlock fries it with a fireball, neither of them acknowledge the creature as it disintegrates into ash*

Warlock: It doesn’t matter if it was plain view. They literally ran in and knew exactly what they were doing.

*The duo walk out of the lair still arguing*

 

THE END

164. The Mutilator (1984)

The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass bottle of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock makes flame appear in.his hand before he closes it and walks inside*

Warlock: Halloween Month continues at the Realm with a little contribution from Thug D.

*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with metal band patches, Metallica t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*

D: Glad to be of service.

Warlock: Tonight we look at The Mutilator. A 1984 slasher about an insane father looking to take his rage out on his son and his friends. Think Peter McCallister at the end of Home Alone 2.

D: That..comparison doesn’t work at all.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Alright let’s get going with The Mutilator.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A teenager who accidentally committed matricide finds himself being hunted together with his girlfriend and mates by his now crazed father.”

D: Huh…and people accused my dad of child abuse for slapping my hand for dropping the dish soap.

 

*Movie opens with a house with trees and a birthday cake*

Warlock: Happy birthdayyyyyyy

D: I made this store bought cake just for you honey.

 

*Mom (Pamela Weddle Cooper) prepares the cake as Ed Jr (Trace Cooper) pulls out a loaded gun from the cabinet and accidentally shoots her dead*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha nice shooting reverend.

D: Can I have some lemonade mom? Mom? Mom?

 

*Ed Sr (Jack Chatam) comes home from work, sees Mom on the ground and backhand slaps Ed Jr*

D: I would have blamed it on a burglar.

 

*Ed Jr runs away. Ed Sr drags the corpse to the couch, he sits down and has a shot of whiskey*

Warlock: So instead of calling for an ambulance, he just drinks.

D: The moral of the story is: Kids, don’t play with guns.

 

*Older Ed Jr (Matt Mitler) is drinking at a bar. Two girls and a guy banter. Green Scarf dude says Ed has a phone call*

Warlock: Its the coroner. The mom is alive.

 

*Ed gets a phone call from his dad. One of the girls tells the group of Ed’s sorry past. Green scarf is Ralph (Bill Hitchcock). Ed Sr hangs up on Ed Jr. Ed Jr says “I don’t believe it”

D: I just got grounded guys.

 

*Ed Jr is miffed because Ralph drank his beer. He has to go get another*

Warlock: Smash the bottle over Ralph’shead.

 

*The friends convince Ed to let them stay at his condo for the weekend. Ralph brings his girl Sue (Connie Rogers). Ed can’t get the car to start so Ralph has a beer. Really cheesy theme song followed by the opening credits*

Warlock: Fall Break?

D: Yeah, there’s two titles.

Warlock: Love the Randy Newman soundtrack. Takes off the runtime.

 

*Ed’s car overheats. They buy beer at the convienience store. Ralph says a senior discount is discriminatory and he deserves it himself. The clerk (Fred Tillery) and his wife (Jenny Grice) con Ralph into buying two six packs*

Warlock: What an idiot!

 

*Fall Break the song continues*

Warlock: What a happy theme song. Nothing’s going wrong in this movie. Everything is awesome.

 

*Ralph takes a piss and they play a prank by driving off without him*

Warlock: Him pissing is an integral part of the movie.

 

*Pam (Ruth Martinez) is one of the girls. The other is Linda (Frances Raines). The jock is Mike (Morey Lampley). Ed says there are no cops*

Warlock: That’s gonna be a big help.

 

*Ed says his father is a trophy hunter. Mike finds a picture of some mutilated guy and Ed casually says his father ran him over with a speedboat*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*Sue picks up a fishing hook*

Warlock: That’s our murder weapon!

 

*Ed parades around with shark mouth around his head. He tells an uncomfortable story about his father throwing things against the wall*

D: Great story…can we leave now?

 

*Ed Jr says “Let’s go upstairs” and we cut to the garage*

Warlock: The garage is upstairs?

 

*Ed Sr is sleeping in the garage. Ed Jr tells a story about a Yucatan mask*

Warlock: Is this a movie or a history channel special?

 

*Pam complains that a battle axe is missing, she says he should call the police*

D: Hello officer, somebody stole an object off the wall. I’m not sure what it is but its stolen!

 

*Mike makes out with Linda and massages her ass*

Warlock: Now we’re getting somewhere. Bet it smells as good as it looks.

D:…..really dude?

 

*Ralph and Sue look out at the ocean*

Warlock: Where was this filmed?

D: Somewhere down south?

 

*Ed Jr and Pam cuddle close*

D: Just so ya know honey, everybody but us are gonna have sex. Sorry dear.

Warlock: That’s okay, that’ll save their lives.

 

*The group sits by the fire as Ed Sr has dreams of killing young Ed*

Warlock: I’m sure my dad wanted to do that to me sometimes.

 

*Mike and Linda explore the garage while Ed Sr looks on from the closet. She challenges Mike to throw a diamond against the wall like Ed Sr did*

Warlock: That’s gonna come into play soon.

 

*Mike and Linda go to the closet where Ed Sr holds the battle axe. Pam calls them away just in time*

D: Damn, guess we just have to go up to bed.

 

*Pam puts the top up on the car as Ed Sr looks on*

D: *Whistles the Jeopardy theme*

Warlock: Dun dun….dun dunnnnnn

 

*Shaky camera walks down the beach*

Warlock: The prequel to Blair Witch Project.

 

*Group eats dinner. Pam makes a duty roster for the weekend*

Warlock: Well if they all get killed tonight, at least they don’t have to do chores tomorrow.

 

*Mike and Linda go for a walk on the beach with a sappy sitcom song playing*

D: Haha fooled you, this is a sitcom not a horror movie.

 

*Ed, Pam, Sue and Ralph play Monopoly*

Warlock: I got dibbs on Baltic Avenue.

 

*The group abandons the game to go find Mike and Linda, leaving the door wide open*

D: Any burglars out there, we left the door wide open!

 

*Mike and Linda find a pool area with a big top overhead*

Warlock: I’ve never seen that.A tarp that covers the acre, not the pool.

 

*Mike and Linda strip to go into the pool with a piano theme*

Warlock: Cheers theme for no reason.

D: Hahaha.

 

*Ed stalks the rest of the kids*

Warlock: He’s gonna kill them all for leaving the door open.

D: “We still got cake left over, if ya want it!”

 

*Mike and Linda frolic in the pool with the sitcom theme*

Warlock: This is a happy fucking movie I gotta say. Nothing’s going wrong.

 

*Ed and Pam talk about making love*

D: So basically they have to sit in their room while everyone else has sex.

 

*Mike and Linda continue to frolic around*

Warlock: Alright can we progress the story now?

 

*Linda floats up with her tits out*

Warlock: There we go, this is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*A pair of hands drag Linda into the pool.  Mike dives under water and misses Ed Sr dragging Linda out of the pool and taking Mike’s clothes*

D: Haha, “I stole your woman and your clothes”

 

*Mike finds a trail of his clothes leading somewhere*

Warlock: He’ll be fully dressed in 10 minutes.

 

*Mike runs into a cardboard cutout*

Warlock: That cardboard cutout won best supporting actor.

 

*A bra is dropped in front of him*

Warlock: Well he ain’t gonna be wearing that.

D: You never know.

 

*Mike finds her underwear on the door. He opens it and Ed Sr kills him with a buzzsaw. Mike still acts like he’s being cut after Ed Sr is done*

Warlock: He’s still flailing and he’s not being cut. Horrible acting.

 

*Ed Sr drags Mike’s corpse away along with Linda’s, he hangs them on spikes*

Warlock: 2 down 4 to go.

 

*A cop asks Ed Jr what’s going on. Ed explains the situation and the cop says its a graveyard around here*

Warlock: How prophetic was that?

 

*The cop (Ben Moore) radios the station before snooping around the condo. Ed Sr kills him with a machete to the mouth then chops his head off with the axe*

Warlock: Okay that was cool.

 

*Pam says to head back. They get back to the condo. Ralph plays a prank and Pam takes him down with a judo flip*

Warlock: Dayum!

D: Not one fuckin hotel on that Monopoly game, these guys suck.

 

*Ed Jr says they’ll play blind man’s bluff*

Warlock: Yeah, what can go wrong here?

 

*Sue is “it”, Ed Jr, Ralph and Pam walk outside while Sue wanders around inside. Ed Sr stalks around outside with the axe*

Warlock: You’re killing the hired help buddy!

 

*Ralph, Ed Jr and Pam join in and starts bumbling around*

Warlock: Have you ever played that?

D: No.

Warlock: Me neither.

 

*Ralph finds Pam and they hide under the table together*

D: He tried grabbing her boobs too.

 

*Ed Sr wanders around as Ed Jr finds everyone and offers them beer*

Warlock: Ed wins, gatorade shower time!

 

*They go to bed. Ed and Pam go to bed, Sue and Ralph as well. Pam tells Ed she doesn’t want to have sex*

Warlock: So much for him.

 

*Ed Sr hangs the head of the Cop against a spike*

D: Welcome to my gallery of suicide!

 

*Sue makes Ralph lock up. She sticks her chest out and says she has something to show him when he gets back. He gets dressed in fast motion and runs out the door*

D and Warlock: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

 

*Ralph curses up and down and goes downstairs. He wanders and bumbles around talking to himself*

Warlock: Well they had to stretch this movie out somehow.

 

*Ralph goes to the garage and finds Linda’s underwear, he celebrates. He throws a diamond into the wall then hangs underwear on it*

Warlock: Hurry up already.

 

*Ed Sr stabs Ralph in the throat with a pitchfork, hangs him on the door and shuts it*

Warlock: 4 down, 3 to go.

 

*Sue goes to investigate the garage*

Warlock: You know what would be funny. If they actually STAYED in bed. There would be no movie. Ed would be wandering around the garage waiting for them to show and he’d be like “Where the fuck are these guys?” He’d fall asleep waiting for them.

 

*Pam goes to investigate and finds a hanging mannequin. “Go bed damn you Ralph”. Pam gets freaked out as Ed Sr grabs the fishing hook. Pam wakes Ed Jr up and says everyone’s missing. She forces him out of bed. Ed “Not sleeping together is one thing, not sleeping at all is something else!”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Sue runs into Pam and Ed Jr and she’s scared.  Pam says to drive out of there. Sue refuses to leave until they find Ralph. She convinces Pam and Ed Jr to stick around to go look. They run off and Ed Sr grabs Sue by the throat. He then sets her on a table and shoves the fish hook in her vagina*

Warlock: *His jaw drops for 5 seconds then speaks* WOAH HEY!

 

*As she’s hooked, Ed Sr decapitates her with the axe*

Warlock: *stands and applauds* I’ll drink to that!!!

 

*Pam and Ed Jr finds all the dead bodies and Pam freaks out. Ed Sr walks up to them*

Warlock: Showdown!

D: This guy’s not gonna win dad of the year award.

 

*Ed Jr and Ed Sr whack each other with blunt objects but Ed Sr’s force is stronger, Ed Jr is out cold. Ed Sr drags him away as Pam looks on*

Warlock: Yeah just stand there, don’t help him or anything.

 

*Ed Sr goes to finish him off but Pam stops him by throwing rocks at him. He stabs Ed Jr in the leg and she catches him in the temple with one of the diamonds. She rushes him with a fishing knife and guts him in the shoulder above the heart*

Warlock: That wasn’t the heart, she got him in the shoulder.

 

*Pam cuts Ed free and drags him away*

Warlock: Wow, HE’S the damsel in distress and she’s the badass.

 

*Pam “You think he’s dead?” Ed “Yes he’s dead, they’re all dead!”

Warlock: Hahahhaa

 

*The car won’t start*

Warlock: As usual.

 

*Ed Sr stumbles over as Pam uses Ed Jr’s belt as a tourniquet. Pam notices Ed Sr is gone. He jumps on the roof and tries to cut his way in. She uses the cigarette lighter to burn him. Ed screams*

Warlock: So diamond’s to the head dont hurt but THAT does?

 

*A patrol car drives up as Pam hits the reverse and crushes Ed Sr against a cinderblocked wall, cutting him in half*

Warlock: Ohhhh yeahhhh.

 

*The second cop (John Bode) investigates and Ed Sr cuts his leg off with the axe, laughing before dying*

Warlock: Hahahaha what?

 

*Ed Jr walks over to Pam in the hospital and says hi. End credits*

Warlock: That’s the ending?? They didn’t explain shit.

 

Thug D’s Assessment: 8 out of 10, this is a fun little movie. It was clearly first time actors so I give it a pass. There are definitely worse movies out there and the gore effects were amazing. I’ve never seen a woman get a hook through her vagina, especially in 1984.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6 out of 10. The acting was atrocious and the storyline was really stupid. He INVITED his son to do work so he could kill his friends? Give me a break. The soundtrack didn’t fit at all…but I loved the gore. Nudity is a plus, some of the jokes were funny. So it was fun, heavily flawed by fun.

Final Grade: 7 out of 10: Great

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: One of the rare times someone likes a movie more tgan me. I found it extremely frystrating because there was so much to like about it even with all the plot holes. It still was a good movie even if flawed. Definitely worth a look if you can find it. That about wraps up another good movie. Have a pleasant evening.

 

 

 

163. Basket Case 3 (1991)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair.  He’s wearing a black leather jacket, I Survived Sharknado t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass bottle of Pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter.  Enter my lair if you dare.  I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates, does a 18p spin and enters the lair*

Warlock: Tonight we finish off the Basket Case series by catching the third and final movie. I know Mr. America is sad about that.

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white camo fatigues, vestand hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. His arms are folded and he’s seething with rage*

America: I’ve had just about enough of this bullshit. Every movie gets worse than the last. I’m about readyto break your neck.

Warlock: Geez, someone caught too many Pidgey today.

America: I’m gonna go all Spearow on you.

Warlock: *Sings* I need a Spearowwwwww. I’m holding out for a Spearow until the end of the niiiiighttttt!!!

America: You have serious problems.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s close this one out. Basket Case 3.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Duane recovers from his delusional breakdown to find his freakish basket-bound brother Belial will soon become a father. But not everything is joyous as the once tight knit brothers no longer seem to trust each other.”

America: Sibling rivalries, aren’t they great?

 

*Opening scene is the end of the second movie where Belial and Eve get it on*

Warlock: Remember that?

America: …..yeah

 

*Duane (Kevin Van Hentenryck) pushes Susie out the window and she dies. He sews Belial back onto him*

Warlock: Just fast forward this, we’ve already seen this.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: 5 minutes of backstory.

 

*Duane in a mental ward is by himself with no Belial attached*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*Granny Ruth (Annie Ross) visits Duane in the mental ward. He asks her where Belial is and Ruth said they have been separated him again. She says sewing him back on was not the answer*

Warlock: 2 movies in a row they shit on the previous ending.

 

*Ruth says Eve (Denise Coop) is pregnant. Duane is confused*

Warlock: How does that work???

 

*Simon (Pierre Perea) is the new nurse. Ruth says they’re going to see Uncle Hal (Dan Biggers) in Georgia. Duane asks about Belial but Eve goes into a contraction. He looks at a wicker basket and starts talking to it*

Warlock: 5 to 1 its a clothes hamper.

 

*Ruth shows Duane a picture of Susie and Bernard. Duane cries about it*

Warlock: So Belial murdered Duane’s girlfriend in the first movie and now HE should apologize?

America: Granny’s logic is severely fucked up.

 

*Frederick (James Scott),  Brainiac (Wendy Parker), Sidney, Half Moon (Fernando Gonzalez), Pinhead (Charles Portney) , Elmo (Rick Smailes), Mackeral (Benny Phipps), Cedric (Cedrick Manuck), Arthur (Donna Mage), Toothy (Marty Polack) and Ellice (Heather Place) are on the bus.

 

*Duane tells Mouse Face (Dean Hines) his tale. Mouse Face talks sense into him*

Warlock: Yeah he makes sense doesn’t he?

America: How????

 

*Eve has another contraction until we cut to Sherrif Andrew Griffin (Gil Roper) meeting Uncle Hal. He has a present for Little Hal (Jim O’Doherty). A robot makes his way to Andrew and asks if he wants coffee. Andrew says yes*

America: What the hell is that?

 

*The robot makes coffee on the spot for Andrew before it leaves*

Warlock: Who wouldn’t want a mobile coffee cart?

 

*Andrew likes the coffee. He asks how Little Hal is and Hal says he has good days and bad days. Little Hal’s portrait shows him having 6 hands. Andrew says anyone that messes with Little Hal has to deal with him. Little Hal on the roof waves at Andrew who thanks him for the coffee*

Warlock: That’s pretty cool.

 

*Granny Ruth performs Personality for the bus*

America: Hahahahahahahaa

Warlock: Personality!

 

*Warlock sings along*

America: Cut it out.

Warlock: Come on join in.

America: Nope.

 

*Freak bus enters Peachtree Valley. Federick nearly wipes out a few pedestrians when he pulls over to stop at a drug store*

Warlock: Personality…Personality!

America: Ughhhhhhh

 

*Andew barges in and confronts Ruth about bus. She gives a sob story as Duane continues to talk to Mouse Face who is bored out of his mind*

Warlock: Hahaha. I bet Mr. Wallstreet would love his tie.

 

*Duane tries to escape out the bus window but can’t in a straight jacket. He spots a hot girl. She reveals herself to be Andrew’s daughter. Duane says Belial is in the basket. Andrew says his daughter is named Opal (Tina Louise Hilbert) and they introduce each other. Ruth says Duane is very sick and leaves in the bus*

Warlock: He admitted everything.

 

*Opal says there’s something not quite right with Granny Ruth and Duane*

America: That’s an understatement.

 

*Freak bus pulls up to Hal’s mansion and Hal greets all the freaks. Duane asks if he can borrow a swiss army knife. Hal ignores him and makes a beeline to Eve*

Warlock: Wow, why is Duane there?

 

*Eve’s water breaks and floods the bus*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*They rush Eve inside as she gets ready to give birth. Hal says Little Hal can’t wait to see Ruth. Hal needs Little Hal to help with the birth. Hal is Ruth’s son*

Warlock: Saw that coming.

 

*Duane tries to escape the straight jacket but can’t. Ruth walks in and says Uncle Hal adopted Little Hal. Duane wants out and Ruth reads him the riot act before taking the jacket off. Ruth says to join them when he can*

Warlock: RUNNNNNN!!!!!

 

*Duane immediately dives out the window. Meanwhile its bedlam in Eve’s room as robots and freaks everywhere prepare*

Warlock: Will you get some boiling water?

America: I’m not in the movie!!!

 

*Ruth unleashes Belial and Ruth says to stay and share the moment. Unfortunately Hal pulls out a large needle with causes Belial to have a flashback to when he was separated in the first movie*

America: They really love that stock footage.

 

*Belial freaks out and attacks Hal. Ellice manages to sedate Belial as Ruth gives him the business for attacking Hal. Meanwhile Eve is ready to blow*

Warlock: Pushhhhhh

 

*Duane sneaks up on Opal. “I forgot your name but I’m over here!”

Warlock and America: Hahahahhaha

 

*Duane crazily explains himself to Opal. He breaks down but she admits she loves unique individuals. Duane “Really?”

America: Oh wait till you see this.

 

*Little Hal films the birth to four little freaks*

America: Oh good, we know you can do basic math.

 

*The number rises to 9. Little Hal does color commentary*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

 

*Hal continues to film….up to 12 now. He continues to scream and shout*

Warlock: 12 kids……..Belial is going to follow Duane out the window

America: Ooooh sappy music.

 

*Belial has a delusional fantasy of two naked twins (Carla and Carmen Morrell) quoting Shakespierre*

America: What…the…hellll??

Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*Ruth carries Belial to see the kids as Duane is arrested and jailed. 2 cops and Opal taunt him. Baxter (Jim Grimshaw) and Younger cop find that Belial has a million dollar bounty on him. Younger Cop and Baxter tell Opal to stay put as they say they’ll check out Hal’s residence*

America: Famous last words.

 

*The freaks have a party to celebrate the births. Ruth cuts it off because she can’t find Duane or Belial. Ruth checks on Hal who had half his face ripped off by Duane. Meanwhile Younger Cop and Baxter pull up to Hal’s. Younger one chickens out but Baxter tells him to cut the shit*

Warlock: Coward.

 

*They spot the freaks and make fun of them. They sneak in the window of Eve’s room and says the little freaks will be used for fish bait. Eve wakes up and growls. Baxter shoots Eve with a shotgun as the Younger Cop locks the door to the bedroom*

Warlock: WHERE DID HE GET A KEY??

 

*The cops make it off with the babies as the freaks tend to the dead Eve. Belial is PISSED*

Warlock: I do not want to be those cops right now.

 

*Duane feels Belial’s pain due to the stigmata. Opal calls him strange. Opal takes her jacket off and Duane asks what she’s doing. She reveals her tattoos and goes into dominatrix mode*

Warlock: Did we really need this?

America: You’re complaining about naked Opal?

Warlock: Good point.

 

*Opal feels up Duane but freaks when she feels the scar. Duane reveals Belial is his brother. Andrew shows up and gives her the business. The two cops show up with the Belial babies and brag about killing Belial. Andrew says they have to go back. The younger cop is Bailey (Jackson Faw). He says to go get Brannon (Tim Warle) and Banner (Jerry G White), he’ll go to Hal’s place himself*

Warlock: Finally some revenge plot.

 

*Andrew makes it to Hal’s residence and he asks Ruth what’s going on. Ruth says his men killed Eve and stole the babies. He wants to speak to Hal and Ruth wants the kids back. Ruth shows Little Hal who’s a giant monster and Andrew is scared*

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*The four cops and Opal taunt the Belial babies. She steals one of the babies and walks away. Meanwhile Duane is still locked up*

Warlock: Duane should kill her.

 

*Opal taunts Duane as the cops guffaw. Meanwhile Belial is on his way*

Warlock: This is not going to end well for them…good.

 

*Brannon picks up Belial’s basket and brings it inside. Brody freaks out as Opal continues to taunt Duane. Meanwhile Belial strangles and kills Brennan and Brennan’s eyes pop out of his head*

Warlock: HAAHHAHAH WHAT THE FUCK??

 

*Belial attacks Banner as Opal runs in the room and screams. Andrew reports in the shit is about to hit the fan. Meanwhile Belial rips Bannon’s head off. Belial turns his attention to Brody who shakes in his shoes. Belial attacks Brody and Opal sets Duane free. Opal runs in and Brody shoots her dead who lands on one of the kids, killing it. Belial twists Brody’s head around and he flails about*

America: I’m pretty sure when you twist a guy neck, pretty sure it would have broken, he wouldn’t flail around.

 

*Andrew shoots the basket but misses Duane. He spots Opal and cries*

America: Yep, she’s dead. Pretty sure that his sympathy is gone now.

 

*Duane opens the basket and pulls Belial out. He’s dying. Duane screams for help. He runs off*

Warlock: How are they going to end this?

 

*Belial pops out of the basket as Little Hal works on a new invention. Duane runs over and tries to apologize for everyone as Hal has built Belial a new robot body, who uses it to kill Baxter*

Warlock: Could we at least see it?

 

*Bailey does a really bad Elvis impersonation in the mirror*

Warlock: Ok he can go.

 

*Duane raids Baile’s fridge and has Corn Flakes as Belial takes out Bailey*

Warlock: That is funny you have to admit.

America: Great product placement.

 

*Ellice reads the eulogy at Eve’s funeral. Everyone cries*

Warlock: That was beautiful.

America: Oh shut up.

 

*Ruth rallies the troops to take out the Sheriff once and for all. Frederick plows through the sign and the freaks all pile out into the Police Station*

Warlock: Good, can we end this now?

 

*Ruth confronts Andrew and asks where the babies are. He nods his head to them. Ruth demands their release. Andrew pulls a shotgun and says give him Belial and he’ll give up the babies. Ruth says tonight, midnight, at the old factory. Meanwhile Ruth walks up to Casey (Beverly Bonner) and orders a million burgers*

Warlock: Haha Casey can’t catch a break.

 

*At the factory, Super Belial attacks Andrew and they have a one on one battle*

Warlock: What’s Duane doing?

America: Keeping the generator fueled.

 

*Belial knocks the Sheriff down and goes to rescue his kids*

America: Notice it doesn’t have the saw arm anymore?

 

*Belial falls as Andrew picks up the buzzsaw. The kids pop up and attack Andrew as Duane runs on the scene. Duane “Geez, this is gonna be some family”

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Renaldo (Jeff Winter) on TV shows David (Berle Bowkan) and Basil (James Derrick) as Duane and the freaks attack. Belial attacks Renaldo as Duane smiles*

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Ruth warns all the listeners saying its their world now. End credits*

Warlock: That would have been a nice message.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 2

Warlock’s Assessment: 3 out of 10, I liked the nudity.

Final Grade: 2.5 out of 10 – Absolutely Terrible.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch as America starts twitching*

Warlock: That sucked complete dick. The first movie wasn’t that good but its Citizen Kane compared to this dogshit. Even the second movie was trash but had its moments. This made me want to run into a speeding train. Well that…

*America shakes his fists and pops out of the recliner*

America: THAT’S IT! I’VE PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT FOR TOO LONG. YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!

*Before Warlock can respond, America grabs him by the jacket collar and leads him to the door*

America: 3 BASKET CASES AND BRAIN DAMAGE? IM NOT SITTING THROUGH THIS CRAP. GET OUT AND STAY OUT!

Warlock: But this is my lair. You can’t throw me out of my own lair.

America: I DON’T CARE! I’VE HAD ENOUGH AND THAT..IS…FINAL!

*America heaves Warlock out the door. He shuts it and locks it. He gives the double middle finger and rubs his hands*

America: Ahhhhh, much better.  Have a pleasant evening.

162. Basket Case 2 (1990)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair.  He’s wearing a black leather jacket, t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a diamond studded goblet of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter.  Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock simply walks inside*

Warlock: Last time we took a look at Brain Damage, a complete mess but noted for having the same director as Basket Case and a cameo from the main character. Now we get to watch the sequel, Basket Case 2! Isn’t this fun?

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white camo fatigues, vestand hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. He’s facepalming*

America: Do we really need to go through this shit again?

Warlock: Of course…its Halloween month!

America: Getting tired of THIS shit real quick.

Warlock: Oh shut up, you’re gonna love it.

America: I HIGHLY doubt that.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So lets start Basket Case 2.

 

*The Warlock reads the tagline*

Warlock: “Duane and his basket-bound mutant brother are taken in by a secret home for wayward freaks with journalists hot on their tail”

America: They led us to believe they died!

Warlock: That explains them alive and well in Brain Damage.

 

*Movie begins with the ending of the first movie*

Warlock: Now its time to explain everything.

 

*Opening credits*

America: I see an eyeball.

Warlock: It sees you too.

America: Its..a..painting. How can it see me?

 

*Two women watch the news where Duane (Kevin Van Hentenryck) is hauled off in an ambulence. Casey (Beverly Bonner) says Duane was a great guy*

Warlock: Yeah, real great…good to see her again though.

 

*Duane is all messed up in a hospital bed*

America: So is that how they make a sequel? They say he’s not dead but miraculously recovered?

 

*Nurse checks on Duane and Belial, Belial growls*

Warlock: He’s alive.

America: What year was this made?

Warlock: 1990.

America: And the first?

Warlock: 1982.

America: I thought so, they’re not using the Gumby animation anymore.

 

*The nurse and an orderly banter as Duane and Belial escape*

America: Dude, don’t you have a radio or something?

 

*Belial kills the orderly*

Warlock: Well if he did, it wouldn’t matter now.

 

*Duane limps down the hallway carrying Belial*

America: I’m just gonna hobble my ass out of here

 

*The news woman (Jude Grafe) gets thrown out of the hospital. She’s trying to get an interview with Duane. As she argues with the cop and 2 nurses, Duane walks right by them*

America: 4 people and NONE OF THEM NOTICE. They may as well be bats.

 

*Grannie Ruth (Annie Ross) and Susan (Heather Rattray)pull up in a van and tell Duane and Belial to get in. They do. Later Ruth and Susan introduce themselves to Duane. He’s still weak from the fall. Ruth tries to befriend Belial in the kid room. Susan brings in a new basket as Ruth goes into the attic. Ruth says to leave Belial alone. A group of freaks gather around as Belial pops out. Lorenzo sings opera, Ellice (Jeri La Shay), Frederick (Sturgis Warner),  Lyle (Jan Saint) are introduced. Ruth introduces Eve, another conjoined twin like Belial*

Warlock: Its a freak movie.

 

*News Lady talks to her editor (Jason Evers) and ask Detective Phil (Ted Sorel) to help. She’s to question Ruth who’s own son was born with 11 arms. Marcie (Kathryn Meisle) calls Lyle and says she’s on her way with 100 bucks. Before Marcie gets there, Ruth walks in and asks to see the show. Lyle has the original basket on the way and says Belial has acromeagly*

Warlock: He’s not Andre The Giant.

 

*Ruth screams at Lyle and storms out. Ruth walks back in with the real Belial in the new basket.She unleashes Belial on Lyle and we cut to Marcie coming up to the tent*

Warlock: There’s your hundred bucks.

 

*Marcie spot Belial then Lyle deformed. Next frame Marcie tells her story to Arty (Matt Mitler). Arty says to tell a story of how aliens came down to be Belial cultists. Then says there’s a third twin*

Warlock: He could write for SyFy now.

 

*Some dude hits on Susan to get her to come drink*

Warlock: That’s no way to get customers.

 

*Ruth talks with Belial who also can telepathically communicate. Ruth “Ripping the faces off people isn’t in your best interests”

Warlock: Hahahah line of the movie.

America: Yeah somehow I don’t think he’s going to stop.

 

*Duane limps around the happy home*

Warlock: Hey he got a hair cut.

 

*Duane tells Susan he’s never had anyone care for him like her*

Warlock: What was Sharon?

 

*Duane wants to run away with Susan*

Warlock: That escalated quickly.

 

*Duane says he and her aren’t freaks like the rest. Susan says they’re all the same. Duane walks away dejected. Duane has a flashback of the first movie where Duane’s father wants Duane saved and Belial killed. Then he tells Susan that he hates living with freaks*

America: Well aren’t you a ball of sunshine?

 

*Duane looks at his scar and has another flashback of him being separated in the first movie*

Warlock: Oh boy, more archive footage to take up the run time. May as well not even have watched the first movie.

 

*Duane barges into Ruth’s office. He says he’s not one of them anymore and he’s going to tell Belial about it. He goes to the attic where he finds Belial next to Eve with sappy music playing.  He goes on a rant about being himself and with Susan and Belial just laughs at him*

Warlock: What’s so funny?

America: I don’t know.

 

*Marcie and Arty pull up to the Happy Home. Marcie just wants to interview Ruth. Ruth calls her every name in the book. Marcie says Duane and Belial are wanted for 5 murders. Ruth says she won’t talk. Ruth throws her out as Duane walks in with Belial. Ruth calls him Michael and he plays it off saying he has groceries in his basket. Marcie leaves and Duane stammers*

Warlock: POW! PING! Duane goes flying.

 

*Marcie goes back to Arty and says she found Duane*

America: That means they’re going to go snooping and die.

 

*Marcie says forget Lou the Editor. She’s thinking big dollars, People magazine, etc*

Warlock: Greedy bastard.

 

*Susan says Duane is safe. Duane says he needs to leave because they’ll find everyone. Duane says he’ll stay and fight. Ruth wants his word on that. He says he won’t leave until everyone’s safe. Ruth wants to call a meeting with all the freaks*

Warlock: Everybody come see the greatest show….

*America doesn’t say a word*

Warlock: You suck.

 

*Ruth hits a secret switch and she makes an epic speech in front of all the freaks*

Warlock: Knute Rockne would love this.

 

*Ruth “Do we flee or do we fight?”

Warlock: Fight! Fight! Fi….

*America doesn’t move*

Warlock: Oh fuck you.

 

*Ruth says someone will try to sneak in*

America: Yeah, Arty.

 

*Ruth says to give any intruded a welcome they’ll never forget*

Warlock: I’m ready to fight.

America: Meh.

 

*Ruth and Susan drive off in a van as Arty goes in for a photo of Duane. Duane paces as he talks on a phone*

Warlock: Well there ya go.

America: If he can see him so well from the window, why doesn’t he take the damn photo there?

Warlock: Yeah really.

 

*Arty breaks in through the window*

America: He also has no zoom lense.

Warlock: Were they invented in 1990?

America: I don’t know, but I called this a mile away.

 

*Arty goes to take Duane’s picture and Duane says he heard something and better go look. Duane hobbles off as Arty goes to the attic. Arty is cornered by all the freaks*

Warlock: May want to get out of there.

 

*Freaks attack Arty as one of them takes pictures to add to the effect. Meanwhile Marcie in the car sees the commotion going on*

Warlock: Its a little early for the show down.

America: Is he gonna go out the window?

Warlock: Makes sense.

 

*Marcie walks outside and looks on in horror as Arty stops screaming and the attic goes quiet. Marcie calls Detective Phil and says Arty has been killed. She goes to see Phil and says Duane and Belial are at Ruth’s house. Phil calls Susan and threatens with cops. Duane answers and Phil says he wants to meet and talk without Belial there. They meet at Clancy’s Bar*

Warlock: Swell place to meet.

 

*Phil confronts Duane who’s by himself. They shoot the breeze. Phil tells him to relax. Duane wants to know what he wants, Phil says he wants Belial. Phil tries to stir the pot by saying Duane is in Belial’s shadow. Phil continues to stir the pot saying Duane is the normal one. Duane says in the house of freaks, he’s the abnormal one. Phil asks if he wants to be normal in the real world. Duane storms out and Phil turns around to see the entire bar is filled with the freaks. Phil “Oh shit”

Warlock: Hahaha good one Duane.

 

*The man with 27 noses (Michael Rogen) appears*

Warlock: You smell that?

 

*Duane asks the bar who thinks they’re freaks. Mouse Face (Deborah Bauman) raises her hand as well as everyone else. Phil pulls a gun and says he wants to trouble. He gets cornered and backs his way into Clancy (Michael Rubenstein) who’s dead on the ground. Belial killed him. Belial attacks and kills Phil*

Warlock: I’ve heard of a freaky bar but that’s ridiculous.

 

*The van pulls up outside the bar. Susan and Ruth gather everyone in as Belial hands Susan Phil’s wallet to get Marcie’s address. The van drives away with everyone inside. Next frame is Marcie herself getting a phone call. The other caller hangs up*

America: Great, now they know she’s home.

Warlock: Before caller ID was invented.

 

*Marcie leaves a message on Phil’s answering machine and starts her hair dryer*

Warlock: Perfect way to sneak in when that’s on.

 

*Marcie’s window is open and someone has cut the phone line. Duane is waiting for her*

Warlock: 20 minutes left, this can’t be it.

 

*Duane says Belial is dying to meet Marcie. Duane pops the basket open and there’s nothing inside. Duane says he’s hiding around there somewhere. Marcie says no one will ever know and Duane says its up to Belial. Duane “He can rip your face off, no big deal.” Marcie runs and Frog Boy (Tom Franco) cuts her off. The freaks pop up left and right and surround her. Duane “Hey, you’re back.” Marcie “Let’s meet, I’m not afraid of you, of him or anyone.”

Warlock: Hahaha nobody is scared.

 

*Duane taunts her and implies Belial’s in her laundry basket. Marcie opens it up and he pops up and attacks*

Warlock: Like we didn’t see that coming?

 

*Brainiac (Jody Oliver) looks on as Marcie is attacked. Belial finishers her off and the freaks surround her. Marcie is now hideously deformed. Meanwhile there’s a party back at the Freak House*

Warlock: Oh boy, a victory party.

 

*Ruth asks Susan where Belial and Eve are. Susan says they’re together. Duane is nowhere to be found. Susan goes to find Duane and he’s in her room. He wants to talk to her. He wants to run away with her. Susan says they’re both freaks. She insists she’s not as normal as him. He goes to kiss her but then feels something. Susan says Belial must be busy*

America: Good call.

 

*Belial and Eve get it on*

Warlock: Grosssssss

 

*Susan tries to warn Duane that she was with a man once before and it changed everything. Duane says it doesn’t matter and that he loves her. Meanwhile Belial hits the money shot*

Warlock: What the….oh fuck it.

 

*Susan cuts Duane off at second base and says she’s been pregnant for 6 years. A dinosaur pops out of her stomach and says hi to Duane. Duane freaks completely out and throws Susan around. She keeps saying “Look at me, look at me, look at me.” Duane accidentally throws her out the window onto a table. The freaks look at her as they try to revive. Ruth checks the pulse, she’s dead*

Warlock: Nice going asshole.

America: I’d start running if I were you.

 

*Duane hobbles around and Ruth says to find him. Duane talks to himself and grabs a hidden baseball bat. He goes to the attack where Belial and Eve lie. Duane nails Belial with a baseball bat as the freaks look for Duane downstairs*

America: They’re not doing a very good job of looking.

 

*Duane taunts Belial and sews him back on to his own body*

Warlock: Ingenious.

 

*Ruth walks in and Duane says “We’re together again” Laughing as the credits roll*

Warlock: Finally.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 3.5. It was like one long Tales From The Crypt Episode. I hated how they pretty much turned Duane heel as the people they attacked weren’t criminals, thieves or flim flammers, just nosey news people.

Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – Crap

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was a let down from the previous movie.

America: A LET DOWN? That was akin to falling off a cliff!

Warlock: See? I told you that you’d love it.

America: Hardly! I’m now dumber for sitting through it.

Warlock: Well you’re going to have to sit through it again.

America: Say that again…

*Warlock pulls out a DVD of Basket Case 3*

America: No…oh please no…

Warlock: OHHHHH YEAHHHHH. Have a pleasant evening.

161. Brain Damage (1988)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair.  He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, sneakers, blue jeans and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*The Warlock shoots fire into the sky and enters the lair*

Warlock: We continue Halloween Month with Brain Damage!

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: Which you have. Gotta have brain damage to be able to come up with these insane movies.

Warlock: Oh shut up. Tonight’s movie is about a guy who gets a parasite attached to him that fills his brain with orgasms in exchange for murdering people*

America: You did not just say orgasms…tell me you didn’t just say that.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Let’s not waste anymore time. Let’s get to Brain Damage.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “One morning a young man wakes to find a small, disgusting creature has attached itself to the base of his brain stem. The creature gives him a euphoric state of happiness but in return demands human victims.”

America: What?

 

*Opening credits with various African tribal statues*

Warlock: Would help to spell tribal right.

America: You had…ONE JOB.

 

*A husband and wife couple talk about the meat they ordered. Its brain*

Warlock: They’re eating brain?

 

*Alymer (John Zacherle) is gone. The wife screams.*

Warlock: What?

 

*Brian (Rick Hearst) is woken up by his girlfriend and he drops the phone*

Warlock: Ah the good ol days of taking the phone off the hook.

 

*Husband and wife tear the house up looking for Aylmer*

America: This is one way to establish the demon thing.

 

*Woman keeps screaming*

Warlock: SHADDUP!!!!

 

*Brian’s roomate lets his girlfriend in.  His girlfriend says he looks awful*

Warlock: Hahahaha what the hell?

 

*Morris (Theo Barnes) is the husband, Martha (Lucille Saint-Peter) is the wife. They barge into a neighbor’s (Beverly Bonner) house. Meanwhile Brian is too sick to go out. Mike (Gordon MacDonald) is the roomate. Barbara (Jennifer Lowry) is the girlfriend. They leave without Brian. Meanwhile Morris and Martha foam at the mouth in their apartment*

America: So did that come from the monster is is that cyanide?  Don’t think the movie is gonna answer my question.

Warlock: Yeah I think you’re shit out of luck.

America: Damn you movie!

 

*Brian wakes up covered in blood. He figures out its coming from his own neck. Brian “What the hell’s happening to me”

Warlock: My first thought would be..a lot.

 

*Brian falls forward to the Phantom of the Opera theme*

Warlock: Hahahahaha what?

 

*Brian has a freakout of bright lights*

Warlock: Don’t look into the light!

 

*Bathwater floods Brian’s room*

Warlock: What?

 

*Brian looks into a giant eyeball*

Warlock: Is he on acid?

 

*Blue bathwater encompasses Brian*

America: Pfft….this guy’s lost it.

 

*Brian wakes up on the floor thinking*

Warlock: They’re not gonna explain anything are they?

 

*Aymer the brain and spinal column says hello to Brian*

Warlock: What in the world???

America: What?

 

*Aylmer appears friendly to Brian. He tells Brian to listen to the light and to take him for a walk. Brian doesn’t follow*

America: Don’t worry, you’re not supposed to.

 

*Brian attaches Aylmer to the back of his neck*

Warlock: What if he stomped on it instead?

 

*Aylmer attaches itself to a hole in Brian’s neck.and secretes a substance that gives Brian’s brain euphoric pleasure*

Warlock: Oh boy, crack cocaine come to life.

 

*Brian moans*

Warlock: He came.

America: Gross.

 

*Mike and Barbara return home. They go to sneak up on him but he’s not in his room. Outside Brian is euphoric as he wanders around a junkyard seeing pretty colors*

Warlock: He’s having a blast.

 

*The nightwatchman (Bradlee Rhodes) wonders what’s wrong with Brian and goes to confront him. He arms his gun*

Warlock: And…he shoots himself.

 

*Brian wanders around the junkyard screaming and whooping before the Watchman arrests him. He goes to slap the cuffs on but Aylmer attacks and attaches itself to his head and kills the dude*

Warlock: That was kinda cool.

 

*Aylmer says he’s a bit underdone*

Warlock: Sunny side up or over easy?

 

*Aylmer attaches itself to Brian again and makes him see colors*

Warlock: Are they ever gonna explain what this thing is or where it came from?

America: I don’t think so.

 

*Mike and Barbara talk about how Brian’s changed. Days have gone by*

Warlock: Would help to explain days went by.

 

*Mike shows how Brian has barricaded his room and the bathroom. Mike wonders what’s going on*

Warlock: Light headed??

 

*Barbara wants to see Brian but he whoops and hollers in the bathtub. Mike “Things are getting really weird around here”

America: You think?

 

*Brian tells Barbara he’s going through changes and he freaks her out while at dinner.She thinks he’s on drugs*

Warlock: Hahahaha that would be easy.

 

*Barbara says he’s changed and not for the better. Brian goes to explain Aylmer and Aylmer starts pounding him from the inside. Barbara complains and thinks there’s another woman. Brian is distracted by the meatballs on his plate that he thinks are moaning brains*

Warlock: He’s in deep trouble now.

 

*Brian freaks out and runs out of the restaurant*

Warlock: Nice synth pop theme. In case you haven’t noticed, this movie came out in the 80s.

America: Noooooo, ya think?

 

*Brian runs around outside. A homeless bum (Michael Rubenstein) drinks while Brian calls out Aylmer and says he “needs it”

Warlock: He’s an addict.

 

*Brian hits up an underground club with a new wave song*

Warlock: Not exactly Tech Noir.

 

*Hot looking girl (Vicki Darnell) checks out Brian*

Warlock: Hello!!!! Or as Wallstreet would say “Holla!!”

 

*Brian dances horribly with her*

Warlock: I can dance better than that.

 

*Brian and girl make out with punks banging on the bathroom door*

Warlock: They really had to pee.

 

*Brian and girl make out in a boiler room as she prepares to go down on him*

America: Oh you’re gonna get something else you’re not expecting.

 

*Aylmer goes into her throat and Brian starts deepthroating her*

Warlock: Hahahaha that’s actually clever.

 

*Aylmer sucks out girl’s brain as Brian walks by a guy (Daniel Frye) high off his ass. Meanwhile Barbara calls Mike in his underwear and he claims Brian is nowhere to be found. Meanwhile Brian searches through garbage cans*

Warlock: He can’t find Oscar.

 

*Morris confronts Brian about Aylmer. Morris gives him a tongue lashing saying Aylmer belongs to him. Brian “You fucking named him Elmer?” Morris “No, Aylmer!”

Warlock: At least we’ll get some explanation now.

 

*Aylmer’s history goes back to the 13th century. All the way to now*

Warlock: At leas they explained it.

 

*Brian knocks Morris down and runs away. Morris shouts “Mine, mine, mine”

Warlock: Mine boys…MINE!

 

*Mike confronts Brian but Brian blows him off. Mike is his brother who notices Brian forgot his buckets. Next day we get a shot of NYC*

Warlock: Back in the New York groove.

America: I’m back…

Both: In the New York Groove.

 

*Brian moves into a derelict and confronts Aylmer. Aylmer blames Morris and Martha because they were trying to weaken him. Brian confronts Aylmer about the blood in his underwear. Aylmer “It came from that girl. No big deal”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Brian freaks out as Aylmer says he’s his. Aylmer says he’s in control but Brian says he is. Aylmer says he doesn’t get his fix if he doesn’t get a fix. Next frame is Brian getting sick*

Warlock: Withdrawl.

 

*Aylmer says to go get hookers*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Brian begins pulling out dead skin and intestines from his ear*

Warlock: Hahahahaha what the hell?

 

*Aylmer induces a daydream from Brian just to fuck with him*

Warlock: Ohhh, that’s just mean.

 

*Brian collapses and Aylmer taunts him*

America: This is starting to drag here.

 

*Brian foams at the mouth and wakes up a bit time later to Aylmer singing*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Brian begs for Aylmer’s help. Meanwhile a biker (Ari M Roussimoff) and a junkie (Angel Figueroa) ramble and stumble outside Brian’s door. Brian spots a bodybuilder (Joseph Gonzalez) in the shower. Brian is pale as a ghost*

Warlock: Wow, Brian looks like shit.

 

*Aylmer detaches itself from Brian and it heads toward the bodybuilder. Brian braces for an attack but it never comes. Brian looks around for Aylmer as someone on the toilet (Michael Bishop) is reading a comic. Aylmer attacks and kills him*

Warlock: Another one bites the dust.

America: I love how this thing is chewing a hole in his forehead and he grips his throat.

 

*Back home, Mike and Barbara talk about Brian. Mike rubs Barbara’s shoulders and they make out*

Warlock: Uh oh….cheat bombing.

America: Hell both of them may go. Both dead. You know one of them is gonna die, potentially both.

 

*Mike and Barbara start going at it*

Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*Brian wakes up to Aylmer’s calling. Aylmer gets Brian high to do his bidding. He has a daydream of killing Barbara. Meanwhile Barbara and Mike are sleeping together and Brian walks in on them*

Warlock: Uh oh.

 

*Brian tells them to get lost and he’s hungry again. He says he’s going to do something about it. Barbara runs after Brian and he tells her to leave him alone and one brain is as good as the next. He then hops a turnstile at the train station, she follows close behind*

Warlock: Hahaha I love how there’s nobody there, not a soul in sight.

America: Its not totally abandoned.

 

*Barbara sits with Brian and she tries to talk to him, but all he sees is colors*

Warlock: Hahahaha, you see that?

America: Yup.

 

*Two subway riders (Kenneth Packard and Artemis Pizzaro) get on the subway*

Warlock: No no NO NO, turn back!

 

*Duane (Kevin Van Hentenryck) from Basket Case is holding a basket on the subway*

Warlock: DUANE!!!

America: Ha! It is him.

Warlock: They’re alive!

 

*Duane moves away from Brian when he spots Alymer coming out of his mouth*

Warlock: Wonderful cameo. Even Duane wants no part of it.

 

*Barbara kisses Brian and Aylmer attacks*

Warlock: You kind of saw that coming.

America: Right.

 

*Subway goer looks at Brian and Barbara kissing and just sighs*

Warlock: They’re probably used to that in NYC.

 

*Brian kills Barbara and sees colors. He gets off the subway, the goers see Barbara but do nothing*

Warlock: HAhahaha.

America: They know she’s in trouble and they do nothing.

 

*Brian looks around garbage cans again*

Warlock: For the second time, Oscar is not here.

 

*Brian tosses a lid and disrobes, he spots blood on his shirt. Morris and Martha pull a gun on him. They disrobe Brian and Martha takes Aylmer off, it attacks and eats her brain*

Warlock: Ok she had it coming.

 

*Morris tries to pull off Aylmer*

America: I don’t think she’s making it.

 

*The gun falls in front of Brian*

America: Can someone shut her up???

 

*Morris grabs Aylmer as it laughs. Aylmer attacks and kills Morris next*

Warlock: We got 10 minutes, this can’t be the end.

 

*Morris drops in front of Brian. He says lets get out of here. Aylmer says he’s not finished. Brian says he’s gonna be sick. Aylmer says to hurry up and put him on his neck. Brian puts the gun away and picks up Aylmer*

Warlock: Uh oh…Morris isn’t dead yet.

 

*Aylmer goes to re-attach but Morris grabs him and rips him off. Morris strangles Aylmer and drops him on the ground, spitting blood everywhere. Morris dies*

Warlock and America: ehhhhhhhh

 

*Aylmer gags and fidgets around until it dies*

Warlock: I don’t know what that old bastard did but it worked.

America: Pretty sure it just choked him.

Warlock: That easy?

 

*Mike gets a knock on the door, its Brian. The lump on his head is growing. He pulls out the gun and blows his own head off, emitting a light show. 2 cops (John Reichert and Don Henenlotter) rush in with Mike to see Brian’s head glowing and light flowing out of it. End credits*

Warlock: What an ending.

America: That’s it?

 

Mr.America’s Assessment: I give it a 3.5

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 4, pretty crappy but short and watchable.

Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10 – Pretty Bad

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was pretty bad if not for an interesting concept. It took the Basketcase concept and put its own spin on it.

America: Put its own spin on it? It was almost a direct ripoff!

Warlock: I think the term is a “tribute”

America: I think you’re a moron.

Warlock: Oh thank you. Anyway it had some parts worth watching but overall it wasnt very good.

America: You can say that again.

Warlock: Although seeing Duane again gives me an idea…

America: What do you mean?

Warlock: Oh you’ll see.

America: I’m gonna hit you with something.

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

 

 

 

160. Basket Case (1982)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades.  He’s holding a platinum goblet of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

Warlock: Turns his head and the ground rumbles before he walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight we continue Halloween month with Basket Case!

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: Aren’t you one?

Warlock: Very funny.

America: I’m not kidding.

Warlock: Tonight’s movie is about a siamese twin that doesnt like his brother dating, so he takes matters into his own deformed hands.

America: What? Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Let’s get this party started then. Basket Case!

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A young man carrying a big basket that contains his deformed Siamese-twin brother seeks vengeance on the doctors who separated them against their will.”

America: Well…at least the doctors didn’t kill one of the two.

 

*Opening credits with man in suit being stalked*

Warlock: If nothing else it makes the credits more bearable.

America: You mean THIS? Getting startled by a rustling bush?

 

*The man is Dr. Lifflander (Bill Freeman) and he tries calling the cops*

America: What year was this again?

Warlock: 1982.

America: That explains the rotary phone and typewriter.

 

*Lifflander hears something in the ceiling. Meanwhile someone cuts the phone line*

America: If he kept talking, he would have been successful. He deserves to go.

 

*Lifflander pulls out a .22 while somebody cuts the power. He screams “I’ve got a gun!”

Warlock: You can’t see anything.

 

*Lifflander shoots his gun until its empty blindly. Meanwhile he’s attacked by an unknown creature and blood splatters everywhere*

America: Ok.

Warlock: Decent gore for 1982

 

*Duane (Kevin Van Hentenryck) walks down Times Square holding a basket as a drug dealer (Noel Hall) pushes his shit on him*

Warlock: I’ll take the Quaaludes.

 

*Duane walks by Hotel Broslin and asks for a room.Hotel Manager (Robert Vogel) says its 20 bucks a night*

Warlock: 20 bucks a night huh?

America: My how times have changed.

 

*Duane pulls out a huge stack of 20’s and Manager’s friends look on shocked*

Warlock: He’s gonna get mugged haha.

 

*Josephine (Dorothy Strongin) introduces herself*

America: So when this was released, was it theatrical or straight to DVD?

Warlock: STRAIGHT TO DVD??

America: My bad, you know what I mean.

Warlock: You’re an incompetent old sow!!

 

*An old man and a hooker go into a room*

Warlock: Great place to stay.

 

*Duane checks into his room*

America: I was expecting a lot worse looking room.

Warlock: Yeah really, that actually looks nice and neat. I’m stunned.

 

*Duane tells the basket that they are here then asks the Manager where food is. He returns to his room with food and opens the basket and starts feeding whatever is in there. Duane opens the phone book and looks up the two doctors left. Dr. Kutter (Diana Browne) and Dr. Needleman (Lloyd Pace) are the targets*

Warlock: Yay, a plot developing.

 

*Duane wakes up at 3:30 AM and starts talking to the basket. He argues with himself*

America: I haven’t heard the other one talk yet.

Warlock: That’s the point.

 

*Passing shot of NYC includes twin towers*

Warlock: Won’t see those no more.

 

*Casey (Beverly Bonner) introduces herself to Duane and says Drunk guy is snooping around after she catches him. Duane locks up the basket and says its time to pay a doctor a visit*

Warlock: The wrong guy is making the house call.

 

*Some annoying woman (Maria T Newland) protests the doctor’s prescriptions. Duane wants to see Dr. Needleman. He introduces himself as Duane Bradley but tells the nurse (Terri Susan Smith) not to use that name because he wants to surprise Needleman. Nurse then badgers Duane about tourist traps*

America: Give it a rest lady.

 

*Duane walks into Needleman’s office. Needleman tells him to put the basket down, take off his shirt and he’ll take a look. Duane removes his shirt and shows off his scar. Next frame shows Duane leaving and telling the nurse Needleman was surprised. Duane rejects the nurse’s advances in front of the basket but then whispers to ask her number*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Duane picks up the basket and runs away. Meanwhile Needleman is pissed in his office. He calls Lifflander while Duane and the basket watch a martial arts movie in a theater while falling asleep*

Warlock: How riveting

 

*Duane looks over and the basket is gone. A thief (Tom Robinson) brings it into the bathroom and kicks the lock off. The monster in the basket bites his nose off as Duane runs in and says “Not now, later. Save it!”

Warlock: Yeah, that doctor they were supposed to kill but didn’t.

 

*Needleman continues to call Lifflander with no answer so he phones Kutter next. She’s on  a date with someone (Chris Babson). Needleman screams that Lifflander is dead and the kid from Glenn’s Falls is after them. Kutter blows him off and goes back to her date*

Warlock: Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s home town. He’ll take care of this.

 

*Duane returns to his hotel room. Meanwhile the nurse leaves Needleman’s office. Duane appears after she leaves and unleashes the monster. He says to the monster to get the address book while he’ll be outside*

Warlock: Great plan.

 

*Needleman investigates a noise. He sees a whole door taken down and he makes a run for it. He barricades himself in a closet. The monster appears on the wall as a head with hands and it attacks Needleman*

Warlock: It looks like Jabba the Hutt’s henchman from Return of the Jedi.

America: It looks like a fucked up Mr. Potato Head.

 

*The monster kills Needleman and takes the address book. Monster slides down and regroups with Duane. Duane’s got Kutter’s address*

Warlock: Mission accomplished.

 

*Duane goes back to the hotel room. Duane feeds the monster and pulls out a TV set. He says he’s just doing recon work so Basket doesn’t have to come alone. Duane runs out and the tv doesn’t work*

Warlock: Would help if you fixed it up before you left.

 

*Duane knocks on a door, its the nurse. They go off on their date*

Warlock: He lied to the monster, I can’t believe that.

 

*Duane and the nurse share bonding moments*

America: Awwww isn’t dat cute.

 

*They share a kiss*

Warlock: Now we’re talkin.

 

*Monster pops out of the basket completely pissed off. It screams so loud Josephine coms over to investigate*

America: Don’t do it lady.

 

*The entire hotel comes to investigate*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*The manager and the drunk investigate Duane’s room. “It looks like a goddamn bomb hit this place” Manager says Duane’s been gone all day. Josephine says nobody came out. Meanwhile the Drunk spots the money that the monster left out. The drunk is O’Donovan (Joe Clarke). The manager rants and raves as he hushes everyone out of there. O’Donovan waits for everyone to leave before he enters the room to steal the money*

America: If he gets killed, he had it coming.

Warlock: Kill this piece of shit.

 

*Basket monster attacks and mutilates O’Donovan. Meanwhile Duane feels it*

Warlock: Oh, a stigmata.

 

*Josephine, Casey and the Manager find O’Donovan dead next to an open window*

Warlock: I hope he took the cash back.

 

*Duane comes back to the hotel with Nurse. He throws her against the wall when he hears what happened and says “He killed O’Donovan, I don’t want him killing you!”

Warlock: Wowwww

America: Way to implicate yourself.

 

*The detective (Kerry Ruff) grills Duane in his room. He asks what’s in the basket and opens it, nothing is in there. Duane says he’s from Glenn’s Falls and says he was out all day with the nurse. Detective is satisfied and leaves with the Manager*

Warlock: Nope, nothing to see here.

 

*Monster is hiding in the toilet. Duane has a conversation with himself. He says he’s sorry for going on a date and he wouldn’t desert him. Next frame Casey is holding court at a bar. Duane’s there with the basket*

Warlock: Ha, he brought the basket along.

 

*Duane’s hammered. He slurs while talking to Casey. They get hammered together. Duane admits he’s a letter sorter back home. Casey asks what’s in the basket, Duane says his brother. He says they are siamese twins while they laugh with each other. Duane says he’s deformed and looks like a squashed octopus. He gives his real story that they were separated at birth after their mother died giving birth. They were the family secret. Duane’s been planning his revenge since they were born. Duane passe out on the bar and we get a flashback*

Warlock: Oh boy, flashback time.

 

*Duane’s Father (Richard Pierce) laments the brother being born and his wife dying. Meanwhile a social worker (Ilze Balodis) tells Duane’s Aunt (Ruth Neuman) that he needs to examine the boys. Young Duane (Sean McCabe) shows his brother still attached. Next frame show Duane’s Father talking to Lifflander, Kutter and Needleman saying to separate Duane from the “thing”*

Warlock: Decent flashback.

 

*The dining room has been turned into the operating ward*

America: How long did it take to prep that?

 

*Duane and the brother are separated*

Warlock: At least they explained it.

 

*Young Duane is now separated from Belial. He finds him in a nearby trashcan*

Warlock: Least we got a name now.

 

*Duane’s father wakes up to Duane sawwing and hammering nails in the basement*

Warlock: Tim Allen’s Tool-Time live.

 

*Duane/Belial built a buzz-saw that slices the father in half*

Warlock: Ohhhhh yeahhhhh

 

*The aunt tells Duane and Belial that they’re home free. Duane hugs the aunt. Next frame the aunt tells a story to Duane and Belial before Duane stands over her casket*

Warlock: That was one long flashback.

 

*Back in present time, Casey leads Duane and Belial in the basket to his room.Casey falls on his bed with him and leaves him there. Duane pops up and gets the basket before passing back out. Casey goes to investigate the basket*

America: Don’t do it….don’t do it….she’s doing it.

 

*She opens the basket, its empty. The bloody file is next to it*

America: Wiuldn’t the bloody file be the first clue that something isn’t right?

 

*Casey leaves Duane’s room and returns to her own. Casey strips to her underwear*

Warlock: This just got better.

 

*Casey removes her bra but offscreen*

Warlock: Awwww booooooooo!!!!

 

*Casey returns with a shirt on*

Warlock: Ahhh…awwwwwwwwww

 

*Casey takes her underwear off and gets into bed*

Warlock: This scene is completely pointless if Belial doesn’t attack.

 

*Belial pops out of the pillows and Casey screams bloody murder. The entire hotel comes to investigate. Josephine holds her close as the Manager finds nothing in the room but the window open*

Warlock: Well nothing to see here.

 

*Manager shoos everyone away. “This ain’t a subway station!!!”

Warlock: Hahaha

America: Not many people have died.

Warlock: 2 doctors and the thief by my count. All bad guys.

 

*Belial slinks back into the basket with Casey’s underwear*

Warlock: How does he get stiff if he has no genitalia?

 

*Manager “This ain’t a hotel its a nuthouse!”

Warlock: The manager’s the best character.

 

*Duane wakes up and tells Belial to get this over with. They make it to Kutter’s office, she’s a vet. Duane sits in the waiting room where two twin nurses (Florence and Mary Ellen Shultz) lead Duane into Kutter’s office. Duane then reveals Belial is in the basket but Kutter recognizes him. She thinks he’s there to thank him. She tries to threaten him but Duane sicks Belial on her. She screams*

America: Love how no one hears her screaming.

Warlock: They do, they just don’t care.

 

*Kutter drops Duane with a back handed slap as one of the nurses bangs on the door. Kutter makes it to the drawer but drops the scalpel. Duane puts Belial back in the basket and the twin nurses open the door to see Kutter screaming with several scalpels sticking out of her face*

Warlock: Nice visual for 1982.

 

*The nurse, now known as Sharon, confronts him. Needleman is dead and she’s scared. She hugs him and Duane is dumbfounded. He invites Sharon in the room*

America: You’re asking for trouble letting her in.

 

*Sharon hugs Duane and they kiss*

Warlock: I think its a little late for the pointless sex scene.

America: I think its going to be interrupted.

Warlock: Oh wait…they’re linked. If Duane gets horny, so will Belial. Belial can’t do anything about it so he’ll freak out.

 

*Sharon “Take me Duane!” Suddenly Belial pops up. Duane holds her down and throws her out of the room. She knocks on the door as Duane tries to get Belial back in the basket*

Warlock: He should have locked it first.

America: THE LOCK IS BUSTED!

Warlock: Oh yeah.

America: Wowwwwwww, yeah that would have worked.

 

*Sharon runs away*

America: Oh my good god.

 

*Belial escapes the basket and uses glowing eyes*

America: They’re using the Gumby animation to get him moving.

Warlock: That’s how they did it in 1982.

America: Although he’s not nearly as kind as Gumby.

 

*Belial hops up on the windowsil and screams*

Warlock: Is that all it can do is scream?

America: Yeah this is getting old.

 

*Duane has a dream he’s running down the street naked*

America: What the hell?

Warlock: Oh sureeeee, we have to see his naked balls but not Casey. Sureeeeeeee…..pfft.

 

*Duane visualizes Sharon sleeping. He exposes her breasts*

Warlock: Ok that’s better.

 

*Duane wakes up and realizes that it wasn’t him visualizing, it was Belial for real. Sharon wakes up and sees Belial on top of her. She screams and he attacks. He kills her as Duane runs in and stuffs him back in the basket*

Warlock: He’s gonna have some serious explaining to do.

 

*Duane screams at Belial in the basket all the way into his hotel room as the patrons look on confused. Casey runs in the room as Belial pops out and grabs Duane by the balls*

Warlock: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

 

*Belial and Duane fall out a window and hang from the neon sign. Belial and Duane fall to their deaths as everyone looks on shocked*

America: Have fun explaining that one.

Warlock: At least its over.

 

*End credits*

Warlock: Oh well.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4

The Warlock’s Assessment:  I give it a 5.5. It wasn’t great but it didn’t suck either.

Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: I thought it was okay. It wasn’t the worst but it wasn’t the best either. It had its moments and an easy to follow plot even if its farfetched. That about wraps up another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

159. The Howling (1981)

O

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, t-shirt, blue jeans, whitesneakers and gargoyle shades.  He’s holding a mug of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*The warlock flicks his wrist and lightning strikes before he walks inside*

Warlock: Its Halloween month here at the Realm and that means horror movies, our trademark. Unlike Mr. America and Mr. Wallstreet, Thug D here doesnt like garbage.

*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with metal band patches, Motorhead tshirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*

D: Fucking right.

Warlock: So tonight we experience The Howling, the 1981 horror about a town of werewolves. I can sink my teeth into that.

*D doesnt bite on the pun. Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Let’s begin The Howling.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “After a bizarre and near fatal encounter with a serial killer, a television newswoman is sent to a remote mountain resort whose residents may not be what they seem.”

Thug D: Its kind of like Salem’s Lot but with werewolves.

 

*Opening credits to television programs*

Warlock: This would cause seizures.

Thug D: This is only happening because people are weird.

 

*Dr George Waggner (Patrick Macnee) is being interviewed, talking about animal instinct*

Warlock: Wonderful.

 

*Karen White (Dee Wallace) gets accosted by a street bum. Then sees a smiley face*

Warlock: Helloooooo

 

*Older cop (Kenneth Tobey) says if the culprit is wearing lavender, they’d find him*

Warlock: Haha

 

*News guy tells Bill Neil (Christopher Stone) is wife is cute.

Thug D: Gee thanks

 

*Bill introduces himself to the news crew. She calls the serial killer with everyone listening in. They lose him*

Warlock: What a shit show.

 

*Karen gives up the phone booth to some guy (Roger Corman)*

Warlock: Hey Roger Corman.

 

*Karen walks into an adult book store*

Thug D: Heh, she’s in a porno store.

 

*Two guys (Robert A Burns, Forrest J Ackerman) split as soon as they see Karen*

Warlock: I love when that happens.

 

*Karen meets Eddie the Serial Killer (Robert Picardo). He professes his love for her while watching a snuff film*

Warlock: I know that voice.

 

*Eddie turns into a werewolf. Two cops shoot him*

Warlock: Shoot first, ask questions later.

 

*Karen is escorted out safely. The store owner (Herbie Braha) protests. People stare at her outside*

Warlock: Why is everyone staring at her?

 

*Karen has a nightmare of Eddie and Bill wakes her up*

Warlock: Damnnnnnnnnnnn

 

*Two reporters, one is Chris Halloran (Dennis Dugan). search Eddie’s apartment and find a picture of Karen. They bring it to the doctor, they have a last name. Meanwhile Karen has flashbacks of Eddie while making love to Bill and she stops him cold*

Warlock: Rejected.

 

*Karen goes on TV but can’t do her job, she’s too traumatized. Fred Francis (Kevin McCarthy) says maybe she’s pregnant*

D: He’s a Hollywood legend.

 

*Dr. Waggner suggests Karen take a two week stay at “the colony”*

Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!

D: “I suggest you go to The Colony”

Warlock: “No”

D and Warlock: THE END

 

*Bill and Karen meet Jerry (James Murtaugh) and his wife Donna (Margie Impart), Charlie (Noble Willingham) and others*

Warlock: And she’s nuts?

 

*Bill runs into Marsha (Elisabeth Brooks) who knows who he is*

Warlock: That’s creepy.

D: Heh.

 

*Dr. Waggner talks with Karen and Donna. TC (Don McLeod) is staring at her. Marsha hands a book back to Waggner and says her brother doesn’t need to read it. She walks away and Donna calls her a bitch*

Warlock: There’s your heel.

 

*Waggner stops Erle (John Carradine) from killing himself. Waggner talks him out of it*

Warlock: Wow if only Mr. America was here. He knows who that is.

 

*Karen has a nightmare of Erle burning himself. She wakes up Bill and says something was howling. He says its just the wind*

Warlock: There’s your movie title.

 

*Bill says the wildest thing she’s ever heard was Wolfman Jack*

Warlock: The great sensation that’s sweeping the nation.

D: Did she expect him to go out and look? Get your ass back in bed bitch.

 

*Karen goes out to check out the strange noises herself. Next morning Karen and Donna are introduced to Deputy Sam Newfield (Slim Pickens)

Warlock: Hey Slim Pickens.

D: I love how they’re in LA or New York and the deputy has a southern accent.

 

*The Coroner (John Sayles) open the morgue and Eddie is gone. Coroner says Eddie didn’t get up and walk out on his own*

Warlock: Yes he did….by the way John Sayles in the house.

D: Love how there was a cheeseburger next to the human brains.

 

*Karen and Donna talk. Karen doesn’t like the way the cows sound. Karen and Donna investigate and they find a decapitated cow*

 

*Erle, Charlie, Bill and others go hunting*

Warlock: I love the carnival soundtrack

D: Its like buffoon music.

 

*Karen tells her sob story to Dr. Waggner with other people around. She freaks out. Meanwhile Bill shoots a rabbit*

Warlock:Good thing Neyz didn’t see that.

 

*Two nuns walk into a bookstore. The owner (Dick Miller) banters with Chris. Terry Fisher (Belinda Balaski) reads Warlock’s, Witches and Werewolves*

Warlock: Hello!

 

*The owner gives a big clue that werewolves can only be killed by silver bullets.

Warlock: A clue!

 

*TC tells Bill that his sister likes to cook*

D: Marsha’s probably naked.

 

*Marsha chops up the rabbit*

Warlock: Poor Bugs.

 

*Marsha goes to kiss Bill but he resists her*

Warlock: Wow, a faithful husband.

 

*A werewolf starts stalking Bill. It knocks him down and scratches him*

Warlock: It didn’t kill him?

D: Nope, making it one of them.

 

*Dr. Waggner injects a large needle into Bill. Karen wants to go home. Waggner says a bite like that could be serious and to stick around*

Warlock: Keeping them there…curious.

 

*Chris and Terry snuggle in bed watching a werewolf documentary. They get a phone call from Karen. Bill got bitten by a wolf. The voice on TV says anyone bitten by a werewolf turns into one. Chris says it was probably a stray dog*

Warlock: Woof woof

 

*Karen shittalks Marsha to Terry and pegs her as being after Bill*

Warlock: Smart lady.

 

*Bill chows down on meat despite being a vegetarian*

D: There’s your first clue.

 

*Karen has another nightmare. Bill is nowhere to be found when she wakes up. He wanders outside in a bathrobe and finds Marsha*

Warlock: Well so much for being faithful.

 

*They both disrobe*

Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*Bill fucks Marsha by the campfire. He howls with his fangs out*

Warlock: Money shot

 

*Special effects shows the two wolves fucking. Next frame is next morning, Terry records noises and draws pictures. Bill returns to Karen. Terry discovers one of Eddie’s drawings is of The Colony where they are at*

Warlock: She found a clue. Alright Lurch, lay off the harpsichord will ya?

 

*Terry investigates the forest by herself. She finds a dilapidated house*

Warlock: Yeah this isn’t creepy or anything, a dilapidated house in the middle of the woods.

D: Oh god a skunk skin? Why the hell would you want that? I imagine it would smell even if its dead.

 

*Terry “Hello? Is anybody in here?”

Warlock: There’s nobody in here!

 

*Terry finds Eddie’s stuff all over the walls*

D: You basically learn the murderer is from this area.

 

*Eddie attacks*

Warlock: So they can change at will?

D: Yeah. Although it defeats the purpose. Who’d want to be a werewolf if you can do it at will?

 

*Terry grabs a hatchet and starts swinging at Eddie. She cuts hits hand off*

Warlock: Oh yeah, they regenerate right?

 

*Terry runs away*

D: Lost her camera

Warlock: Yeah, no proof now.

 

*Terry runs to a cabin and makes a phone call to Christopher to tell him the news. Meanwhile Karen wakes up from another dream. Bill is in the bathroom. They argue and Bill slaps her when she insinuates he slept with Marsha*

Warlock: Ohhhhhhhhhhh.

D: She knows about Marsha.

 

*Terry tries to convince Christopher that Eddie lives there and Eddie is alive. She insinuates that Waggner is apart of this. Christopher says to go find the last name Quist. Marsha, TC and Eddie are related. Meanwhile Eddie barges in and slaps her around. She crawls away and Eddie stalks her. Christopher calls the cops*

Warlock: At least he did the right thing.

 

*Eddie goes for the kill but we cut to Sam saying he’s sure Terry is safe. Eddie bites and kills Terry*

Warlock: So much for her.

 

*Christopher runs out of the bookstore with silver bullets, the owner calls him a crazy fuck*

Warlock: He should have went with him.

 

*Karen goes into Waggner’s office and finds Terry dead. She hears howling and Eddie pops up, half human, half wolf. He digs the bullet out of his skull and hands it to her*

Warlock: Oh boy, a present.

 

*Eddie turns right in front of her*

D: I say that was the greatest wolf transformation in movie history.

Warlock: Better than David Naughton?

 

*Karen grabs acid and throws it on Eddie. She runs out the door. Meanwhile Chris is stuck at a gas station. Meanwhile Charlie and Jerry take Karen hostage. Erle and the other Colonists are in the barn waiting for her, some woman is gutted on a slab in the middle of it. Dr. Waggner and Donna walk out and she goes to hug him but he shoves her away. Donna gives it away that they were all bitten, including Waggner. Waggner wanted to fit in with humans but Marsha and Erle wanted to use humans as prey*

Warlock: They’re like mutants.

 

*TC shows up without a hand*

Warlock: Oh TC was the one who killed Terry.

 

*Charlie and Erle knock down Waggner, meanwhile Chris walks into Waggner’s office with a rifle. Christopher finds the files on the Quist family. Eddie barges in and grabs Christopher’s gun. He asks where Terry is, Eddie gives away the plot. Christopher “What did you do to her?”

Warlock: “Me? Nothing”

 

*Eddie hands Christopher the rifle and challenges him to shoot him. Eddie begins turning and Christopher shoots him. Meanwhile they go to kill Karen when Christopher pops up. TC attacks first and Christopher shoots him*

Warlock: Carradine’s like “if that don’t be all”

 

*Christopher shoots Jerry and Waggner tells Karen to stand back. He shoots Waggner and Waggner says “thank god” before dying*

D: Heh.

 

*Christopher and Karen barricade everyone else in the barn and set it on fire*

Warlock: Erle finally gets his wish.

 

*The wolves try to escape as Chris and Karen make it to the car. A wolf attacks as they drive off. Deputy Sam opens fire on the car and Chris shoots him dead. They blow the Mazda and go to take Deputy Sam’s cruiser when the wolves attack. Chris can’t start the cruiser*

Warlock: Why won’t it start? He just had it running.

 

*A wolf attacks Karen but she manages to blow its head off. Karen looks behind her and it was Bill*

Warlock: So much for him.

 

*Karen prepares to go on the news to warn people of the Colony. The newscaster says a lot of people died in the fire. Karen gives a speech saying werewolves exist  and turns into one on camera. Lew Landers (James MacKrell) says “Holy shit!” The bookstore guy “Oh boy”

Warlock and D: Heh.

 

*Christopher shoots Karen as Fred says to cut. They cut to a dog food commercial. At the bar where everyone watches the news, Marsha looks at the camera and says she likes her burgers rare. End credits*

D: I love that fucking ending.

 

Thug D’s Assessment: I give it an 8. That’s my favorite werewolf movie. Some of the effects were really great for their time.

Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7. For its time, I loved it. It flowed pretty good and packed a lot in for 90 minutes.

Final Grade – 7.5 out of 10 – Great

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Now thats more like it. That was a classic early 80’s horror movie done right. Special effects, plot, acting, great stuff. They made a whole bunch of sequels but none of them had anything to do with the original.

D: So fuck em.

Warlock: Amen, that about wraps up another good movie. Have a pleasant evening.

158. Abraxas: Guardian of The Universe (1990)

*The Warlock and Mr America are watching the main event of Wrestlemania 3 in the lair. The Warlock is in the middle of the couch wearing a Degeneration X t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades.  Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white camo fatigues, vestand hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

Warlock: Its almost movie time.

America: Shut up its Hogan.

Warlock: But we’re on a…

America: Shut up its Hogan!!

*America picks up the remote and throws it behind him*

Warlock: Well that was stupid.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and the remote levitates back to Warlock*

America: Shut up its Hogan!

*Hulk finally pins Andre the Giant amd the show ends*

America: As it should be, Hogan wins.

Warlock: Well Hogan is not in tonight’s movie but someone we just heard is.

America: Who?

Warlock: Tonight is a fan request. We’re going to take a look at Jesse “The Body” Ventura in…ABRAXAS!

America: What the hell is that?

Warlock: I dont know, lets find out.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and switches over the VHS to DVD*

Warlock: Its time for Abraxas.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “An alien “policeman” arrives on Earth to apprehend a renegade of his own race who impregnates a woman with a potentially destructive mutant embryo.”

America: Alien policemen? Where the fuck have you been since humankind came into existence?? Also….WHAT???

 

*Opening song has catchy late 80’s beat over the credits*

Warlock: Yeahhhhhhh, that’s what I’m talking about!

America: What, credits??

Warlock: No, the song!

 

*credits*

Warlock: Who the hell is Michael Copeman?

 

*Abraxas (Jesse “The Body” Ventura) does a voiceover explaining how torture works on his home planet. He gets tortured to make him stronger*

Warlock: So this is supposed to make him stronger?

America: Yeah.

 

*Abraxas says he’s been on the police force for 10,000 years*

Warlock: Wow, looks great for 10,000 years old.

 

*Abraxas says his target is Secundus (Sven-Ole Thorson), his ex-partner on the force who goes renegade*

Warlock: Not THE Renegade right?

America: No, not him.

 

*Two guys discuss sending Abraxas after Secundus, they establish that if Secundus knocks anyone up, the planet is in big trouble*

Warlock: Ok, get your rubbers ready.

 

*The two guys discuss the situation and what Abraxas has to do*

Warlock: At least they’re giving us backstory and explaining the plot. Better than the garbage we’ve seen lately.

 

*Abraxas and Secundus shoot at each other in a winter setting with laser weapons, each giving voiceovers*

Warlock: Martin Scorsese would be proud.

America: Up until now they were competing to see who had worse aim.

 

*A car with New York license plate pulls up*

Warlock: They’re on Earth already?

 

*Carl (Ken Quinn) tries to put the moves on blonde girl. Secundus shows up and pulls Carl out of the car through the window. The girl’s name is Sonia (Majorie Bransfield). Abraxas gets a voice message (Marylin Lightstone) saying Secundus has a girl. Secundus runs over Carl but plows into a snowy ditch, Sonia makes a run for it*

Warlock: You better run.

America: Better fun for your life.

 

*Secundus chases Sonia as Abraxas chases both of them. Secundus catches her first, puts his hand on her stomach and a voice says she’s pregnant now*

Warlock: Well that was easy.

 

*Abraxas catches up to Secundus who says he already knocked her up. Abraxas asks why he turned heel, Secundus says he wanted to have immortality and the child will be a living God. Secundus is apprehended but before he’s transported, he says he wins. The voicebox says Abraxas has two minutes to stop the birth of the demon*

Warlock: Well this is going to be a very short movie if he’s successful.

 

*Abraxas lets the birthing happen. Dar (Damian Lee) and Hite (Jerry Levitan) are unhappy. Sonia calms her newborn baby*

Warlock: Oh yeah, good luck explaining this one. “Hi mom, hi dad….I just had a baby in one night”

 

*Sonia goes to throw the baby into the river*

America: Don’t do it!

Warlock: Do it! End the movie!

 

*Sonia walks away. She tells her dad (Robert Naismith) and mom (Kris Michaels). Her dad throws her out of the house. She tries to register the baby but she doesn’t have the father’s name and the clerk (Layne Coleman) yells at her. Next scene is a voiceover by Sonia saying its been 5 years and Tommy (Francis Mitchell) her son doesn’t talk*

Warlock: Wait, 5 years? Is Jesse on vacation?

America: I’m lost.

 

*The female nurse (Sonja Belliveau) says he has functioning vocal chords but never uses them. Meanwhile Secundus escapes again, Dar and Hite yells at Abraxas. Abraxas says they should have executed him. Dar says they can’t execute a “Finder”. Abraxas says he’ll go get him*

America: I give up.

Warlock: Secundus just escaped.

 

*Abraxas in a voice over says wormhole travel is very dangerous. They crossed the streams and he’s screwed. He crash lands in water*

Warlock: See, they should have listened to Egon. Don’t cross the streams!

America: Wrong movie.

 

*Meanwhile Sonia and Francis share bonding moments as Abraxas gags and flails in water*

Warlock: Hahahah what?

 

*Principal Latimer (Jim Belushi) gives Sonia the business for not having a father*

Warlock: What the hell is Jim Belushi doing here?

America: I don’t know.

 

*Latimer says Tommy is going expelled for his own safety. Sonia says just tell the kids to stop bulluing him. Latimer says he didn’t think of that and will try*

Warlock: WHAT? He’s the goddamned principal! Wowwwww

 

*Secundus voiceover explains his situation as he runs through the woods. Abraxas is close behind*

Warlock: Oh boy, a chase scene.

 

*Abraxas and Secundus fight, Secundus gets the upperhand and Abraxas goes flying. Secundus then goes to a camping family (John Blackwood, Rae Johnson and Adrian Burnett). He intimidates the dad into giving him the car keys*

America: So you’re about to lose your car and the first thing that comes to mind is “Wait, I have good insurance?”

Warlock: Yeah, not very manly.

 

*Abraxas dives on the camper driven by Secundus but he’s thrown off*

Warlock: Oops.

 

*Deputy Johnny (David Mitchell) asks out Sonia but she doesn’t give him an answer. Maxie (Al Timmer) walks in and Johnny leaves*

America: Here’s your love plot folks.

 

*Abraxa stops a Winnebago and says “Stop! Stop! Could you please provide me with ground transportation?”

Warlock Hahaha nice one.

 

*Sheriff Sharp (Michael Copeman) gives Johnny a pep talk. Meanwhile Abraxas explains his situation to the camper family. Meanwhile Secundus starts knocking over glass bottles of pepsi*

Warlock: Heyyyy!!

America: That’s a waste.

Warlock: You can kill all the humans you want but leave my drinks alone.

 

*Garage owner (Michael Scherer) asks Secundus what he’s doing*

America: Oh he’s gonna get fucked up.

 

*Secundus fries the dude and steals the dude’s clothes. He charges his answerbox. Meanwhile Abraxas says he can find the families car using his answerbox. Meanwhile Sheriff gives Johnny a tongue lashing. Abraxas voiceover says Secundus has found Tommy and he runs to stop him. Secundus kills the registry clerk and his secretary*

Warlock: Can’t say I’m sorry to see that.

 

*Irate woman (Kathy Tapin) complains to Secundus and he snatches her. Abraxas, Sheriff and Johnny barge in but Secundus takes their guns and runs off with the woman. The trio run outside after them and Secundus shoots at them, missing completely. He shoots some random guy in the leg. Johnny jumps on Abraxas who throws him off easily. Secundus takes off on a motorbike. Abraxas runs after him*

America: So when a bad guy is miles away, he flags people down for transportation. When he’s 10 feet away, he runs after them. Nice logic.

Warlock: He’s gotta get his cardio somewhere.

 

*Tommy is bullied by 3 kids (Tyrell Janos, Jason Turnpenny) the leader is Willy*

Warlock: Hah, that’s Ventura’s real life son. Remember he used to shout out to his kids Terry, Tyrell and Jade? That’s Tyrell.

America: Lovely.

Warlock: Even his son’s a heel.

 

*Tommy uses mind control to make Willy wet his pants. Later Willy corners him in the bathroom and says its payback time. Tommy uses telekinesis to throw Willy into a bathroom stall and flush his head in a toilet*

Warlock: Worst bully ever.

 

*Betty (Lee Anne Simms) the babyshitter shares bonding moments with Sonia and Tommy. They walk outside and she dances around*

Warlock: What am I watching?

 

*Betty and some kid watch tv as Secundus breaks in. He spots the wrong kid and Abraxas dives through the window after him*

Warlock: Love how he knew exactly where to go.

 

*Secundus and Abraxas fight again, Secundus impales him with a broken lamp. Secundus taunts him as Abaraxas crumbles*

Warlock: Wow, some hero.

 

*Abraxas’ answer box heals him as Sonia runs in. Sonia confronts him and gives him the business for putting her into this situation. Meanwhile Secundus runs into some guy (Johnny Askwith) and steals his car, running him over after he says he needs to find exotic dancers. Meanwhile Sonia, Tommy and Abraxas says they’re going to see Maxie for help. He turns off his answerbox as Dar and Hite are unhappy*

Warlock: What the hell is their problem?

 

*Sheriff asks the kid, now known as Jack (Zion Forrest Lee) what happened.  Meanwhile Sonia and Maxie put the kid to bed, for 5 seconds before the kid gets up and visits Abraxas in his room*

Warlock: Hahahaha.

 

*Abraxas tells Tommy the story of him and Secundus as Johnny and Sheriff hit up the mini mart. Rosa (Johanna Householder) is instructed to put the food on Sheriff’s tab. Back at the house, Abraxas tells how Secundus turned heel. Sonia catches them and sends Tommy to bed. Abraxas tells Sonia how Tommy could be evil and Secundus role in all of this*

Warlock: You get all that?

America: Sure.

 

*Stripper (Sarah James) dances onstage*

Warlock: This movie just got better.

 

*Secundus beats the shit out of the bouncer (Alex Rouge) after asking a guy in a wheelchair (Leo Armoffe) if there’s women here*

America: I find it entertaining 3 or 4 guys got knocked out before she noticed.

 

*Secundus intimidates the stripper and then leaves. Meanwhile Sonia takes a shower and Abraxas goes bug eyed when he sees her naked body*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Johnny and Sheriff drive around, Johnny says its aliens. Sheriff scoffs*

Warlock: 31 minutes left.

America: Ughhh, you had to say that?

 

*Sonia shares bonding moments with Abraxas. Two waitresses (Ellen Dubin and Kate Healey) argue over who serves Secundus. One of them says a man that murdered 3 people isn’t going to sit down and order breakfast. Johnny and Sheriff continue to yap at each other*

Warlock: Can we progress the story now?

 

*Abraxas and Sonia share a kiss*

Warlock: Here we go…

 

*Answerbox says Tommy is gone. He leaves a goodbye note and runs away. She reads the note and freaks*

Warlock: So much for the romance.

 

*Secundus polishes off a whole menu and asks where the school bus goes to, The waitress hands him the bill and he eats it. Says “Merry Christmas”

Warlock: Hahahahahaha. I’m gonna do that next time I’m in a restaurant. I’m gonna just eat the bill and walk out.

America: Just…ugh…not even gonna go there.

 

*Sheriff and Johnny crash their car when they see Secundus, get out and start shooting at him with an uxi. The bullets do nothing.

Warlock: Where’d the get the fucking Uzi?????

America: I’ve never seen that.

 

*Secundus throws Johnny aside, starts shooting with the uzi Johnny dropped*

Warlock: Love how he doesn’t have to reload and cars magically blow up from small arms fire.

 

*Secundus steals the Sheriff cruiser and drives off. Johnny and Sheriff throw snowballs at the car as it goes off*

Warlock: HAHAHAH WHAT THE HELL??

America: Yeah, that will stop him for sure.

 

*Abraxas finds Tommy running through the snowy cornfield*

Warlock: He who walks behind the rows.

America: Wrong movie…and out of season!

 

*Abraxas promises to protect Tommy as he goes to find Secundus. Secundus goes to Tommy’s school and takes everyone hostage unless Tommy is brought before him. Abraxas tells Tommy about the demon inside him as they drive. Dar and Hite continue to discuss the situation, Dar thinks Abraxas will kill Tommy*

Warlock: Wow, what an idiot.

 

*Sheriff and Johnny stop Abraxas until Abraxas says he knows where Secundus is. Abraxas, Sheriff, Johnny, Abraxas, Sonia, and the whole town walk up to the school where Secundus demands Tommy’s presence. Tommy runs in and Secundus says he is HIS son. Abraxas nails him with a fire extinguisher and tells Tommy to run.  Once again Secundus gets the upperhand and chases after Tommy*

Warlock: He is a lousy defender.

America: How many times is this guy gonna get away from him?

 

*Secundus steals a car as Abraxas voiceover says what’s about to happen. Sonia runs with Abraxas. Dar and Hite continue to discuss*

Warlock: The Gorilla Monsoon and Gene Okerlund of the movie.

 

*Secundus corners Tommy but Tommy sets the place on fire with his mind and continues to run away to a crappy song in the background*

Warlock: This music sucks.

 

*Abraxas runs into the flaming wreckage. Secundus says its against the law to execute him and to go home. Abraxas slow motion beats the shit out of him*

Warlock: Took him the whole movie to get the upper hand?

 

*Abraxas blows Secundus away but flies out the window. Tommy uses his power to pull Abraxas back up*

Warlock: Ok, how are they gonna end this?

 

*Secundus pops up again and he and Abraxas fight with Sheriff and Johnny pointing guns at them*

Warlock: Is this the final fight now?

America: I hope so.

 

*Secundus goes to finish him off but Abraxas trips him. Abraxas goes to snap his neck but answerbox tells him he can’t.  Abraxas kills him anyway*

Warlock: He found a loophole.

 

*Answerbox says Abraxas’ mission is successful. He needs to return home. He requests to stay on Earth to look after Tommy. Answerbox says they’ll take it into advisement. He refuses to leave and therefore loses his Finder position. He stays on Earth with answerbox to look after Tommy and Sonia. They all hug*

Warlock: So there’s a child with telekinetic powers being watched over by an alien?

America: Yeah,no big deal.

 

*Sheriff hires Abraxas and he requests a uniform scaled to his size. Sheriff says “I kinda like that guy.” Abraxas in the voiceover says he’s there on Earth for good. Sonia says she’s glad he’s staying. Tommy “Me too.”  End credits to sappy song*

Warlock: We made it!

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4.  Wasn’t the best story but there was a plot to it. There was still A plot you could follow, wasn’t the best done but they attempted character development.

The Warlock’s Assessmnet: I give it a 5. It had an easy to follow plot, backstory and a purpose. VERY unrealistic but whatever.

Final Grade: 4.5 – Below Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Unrealistic but not the worst we’ve ever seen. Usually Jesse is in a supporting role but this is his first lead role I’ve seen. It could have been better but it wasn’t too hard to sit through. Well that about wraps up…

*Suddenly the cd player cranks Real American as Mr. America bops along*

Warlock: another…craptastic…

*America fist pumps and marches oit of the player to the beat*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

157. Blackbelt (1992)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair, he’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, sneakers, blue jeans and gargoyle shades.  He’s holding a champagne glass of pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates a few moments and walks into the lair*

Warlock: Watching Batman Forever with Thug D here inspired me to do a Don “Dragon” Wilson tribute.

*Thug D is in the recliner wearing a blue jean jacket with metal band patches, Pantera tshirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*

Thug D: Wasn’t he that kickboxer from the 80’s?

Warlock: You got it.

*Warlock takes a seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s begin Blackbelt.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Ex-cop protects a singer from a psycho serial killer.”

Thug D: Sounds like nothing I’ve ever heard before.

 

*Opening credits*

D: Never heard of any of these guys

 

*John Sweet (Maththias Hues) leads a lady to a hotel room*

D: The hell with the room, let’s do it right here.

 

*Sweet says he forgot something at the bar*

D: Look at the size of his nose.

 

*Sweet walks down the hall and knocks on a door. He kills everyone in the room as the girl strips in the other room*

D: Sex and violence, literally.

 

*Sweet goes back to the girl and pulls out a mini radio*

Warlock: Not exactly Detroit Rock City.

 

*Sweet: Want to play a game?” She takes her top off*

Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*4 hookers walk around. A black one refuses and her pimp beats her up until Jack Dillon (Don “The Dragon” Wilson) saves the day by beating him up and kicking him in the junk*

D: Get your mullet and get the fuck out of here.

 

*Luannne (Mychelle Dangerfield) is rescued by Dillon. Her mother tries to pay him and he says “Keep it, I don’t charge for taking out the garbage”

Warlock: Garbage Dayyyyyyy

 

*Shanna (Deidre Imershein) and the Bad Girls croons*

D: Yeah, they got “Bad” right.

Warlock: Cover your ears.

 

*John Sweet fantasizes about Shanna and goes backstage at the bar she’s crooning at.  He goes into the dressing room and starts sniffing her clothes*

Warlock: Sniffing around, literally.

 

*He leaves behind a queen of spades and goes through her purse for her address*

Warlock: Perfect.

 

*Reporters ask if Shanna is touring in Europe*

D: Oh sure, start World War 3

 

*Eddie DeAngelo (Richard Beymer) has mob connections. Shanna finds a severed finger and screams*

Warlock: Mind if I eat?

 

*Dillon teaches a karate class*

D: You know a story would work out right about now.

 

*Karate student takes Jack down. Meanwhile Barbara Glenn (Barbara A Graham) introduces Shanna who doesn’t want to be there*

Warlock: Throw her out.

 

*Lt Will Sturges (Alan Blumenfeld) sent her there. They need protection from a psycho serial killer. Jack says he used to be a cop but quit for unknown reasons. She doesn’t like cops because her father raped her. “Did your father rape you?”

D: “Actually yes”

 

*Carl shows Jack the crime scene from earlier. Jack surveys the damage*

D: Stop moving your leg, you’re supposed to be dead.

 

*Jack sees the hooker from earlier*(

D: So far I don’t care, this movie’s giving me nothing.

 

*Jack hasn’t had breakfast yet. He finds the dead hooker*

D: “My fifth wife!”

 

*Shanna sees the hooker and cries*

Warlock: She’s gonna shit her pants.

 

*They talk in the car*’

D: I wonder if they’re going to have sex in the movie.

Warlock: I’d be shocked if they don’t.

 

*Shanna “My real name is Carrie”

D: I’ll forget that in five minutes.

 

*Shanna takes her shirt off*

D: Woah.

Warlock: This movie just got better.

 

*The doorbell rings, Jack answers*

Warlock: “Gahhhh who’s that?”

 

*Will Sturges walks in*

D: “I gotcha a role in Batman Forever”

 

*Jack runs off*

D: I guarantee you’ll never see product placement in these kinds of movies.

Warlock: They’d go bankrupt.

 

*Dillon hits up a seedy bar. The patrons jumps him and he beats everybody up singlehandedly*

D: One rule in action movies, don’t go into bars.

Warlock: Every movie, somebody is looking for somebody and it ends up a brawl.

 

*Jack wipes out the whole bar and finds a playing card. The bartender says the killer’s name is John Sweet*

D: This was pretty badly choreographed.

 

*The bartender says the playing card is a Vietnam War thing*

Warlock: In VietNAM

D: Talk about pointless crap.

 

*Jack goes to the studio and Shanna says the song is called “Love Rocket”

D: The song is called “I’m a slut”

 

*Bobby Machado (Jack Forcinito) is Shanna’s boyfriend. He’s unimpressed. DeAngelo shows up and slaps Bobby around, he says Shanna is safe*

Warlock: I don’t believe you.

 

*Dillon says he busted DeAngelo for money laundering 5 years earlier. DeAngelo “You’re pushing me Jack.” Dillon “So push back.”

D: Sure thing slut.

 

*Shanna shoots the video for Love Rocket*

D: More shitty music.

Warlock: I can dance better than that.

D: “Gives me the runs”

Warlock: Ace Frehley would be appalled.

 

*Up in the booth DeAngelo is having a conversation*

D: “This can’t be real can it? This shit!”

 

*DeAngelo gives Bobby a tongue lashing saying he doesn’t want to lose her. Her contract is up in two days. If she doesn’t sign tomorrow he’s taking matters into his own hands*

Warlock: There’s your story….a half hour into it.

 

*Jack watches another music video*

Warlock: Another shitty song, this is torture.

 

*Barbara “Are you in love with her yet?”

Warlock: Hardly.

 

*Barbara is wearing baggy clothes. Meanwhile Shanna walks out yelling at Bobby. He slaps her but she stops Jack from interfering*

Warlock: What a loser.

 

*Bobby storms out. Shanna “The front door will be locked when you get back!”

Warlock: That’s not gonna help, he probably has a key.

 

*Shanna hits on Jack outside but he resists. She walks back inside and takes her jacket off, revealing herself*

Warlock: May want to go put a dent in that.

D: As she walks her away in her “respect me” look.

 

*Bobby and DeAngelo talk about what to do about Jack. DeAngelo says he loses 2 million dollars if she doesn’t sign. He threatens Bobby if she doesn’t sign. DeAngelo “That bitch isn’t going to sign. Set up a hit.” Dino (John P Menese) is to bring back her ring finger*

Warlock: No love for the middle finger.

 

*The hit team storms Shanna’s house with John Sweet in tow. Jack is waiting and he wipes out the mobsters*

D: Home Alone, the rated R version.

 

*Jack wipes out a few more guys*

D: Damn that dude had a fuckin raccoon on his head.

 

*Shanna nearly gets stabbed with a knife. Jack runs in and kicks the guy out the window*

D: So much for the ponytail gang.

 

*John Sweet looks at Dillon but does nothing and walks away*

Warlock “Fuck this, I’m leaving”

 

*The cops show up and Sturges with them. “Its quite a mess”

Warlock: We’ll be lucky if anybody survive.

 

*Dillon says 3 of the mob men were killed by Sweet to protect Shanna*

Warlock: Lonewolf Louie over there.

 

*Jack trains with a bob and weave bag as Shanna walks up to him*

D: Now its time to stare at his muscles.

 

*Sturges brings Dillon on a ridealong, Will calls someone a pinhead*

Warlock: Hahahhaa

D: He jut beeped a horn.

 

*Sturges gives Sweet’s background. He immigrated when he was 10. His mother was raped and killed in front of him when he was 12, he killed the rapist with his known wife. He joined the special forces and became a martial arts expert*

Warlock: He’s a seriously disturbed ex-special forces guy.

 

*Sturges and Dillon interrogate the warehouse manager while he’s making out with his secretary*

D: “I thought you just needed a piece of gum, not my underwear*

 

*They intimidate him into giving Sweet’s location away*

Warlock: He really doesn’t like Angola.

 

*Rene (Mitchell Bobrow) can find Sweet*

Warlock: Ha, Bobrow the martial arts champion.

 

*Sturges and Dillon leave after smashing the place up.*

Warlock: Awww man, 45 minutes left?

 

*Sweet listens to Shanna sing. Basically Shanna reminds him of his mother who was a lounge singer*

Warlock: Well at least it makes sense now.

 

*Sweet trains while pounding a heavy bag, his mother sings the song Shanna sings now. We get a flashback of  his mother putting a ring on her finger, kissing young Sweet and saying he’ll be her new husband.*

Warlock: This just got 7 levels of fucked up.

D: So he banged his mother?

 

*Sweet beats up Rene and Rene taunts Jack saying Sweet will kill him.Next frame its revealed in a flashback that his mother wasn’t raped bu a rapist, Sweet killed him as a jealous lover*

Warlock: Sooooo fucked up.

 

*Strurges pulls a 44 mag*

Warlock: HE’S GOT A GUN!!!!

 

*Jack and Will storm Sweet’s complex. Jack kicks the window in*

D: Hadoooken!

 

*Sweet kills Sturges as Jack busts through the window. Sweet steals the police badge and throws a playing card at him*

Warlock: Are we supposed to care he’s dead?

D: He wasn’t THAT bad of a character.

 

*Dillon turns the music off*

Warlock: Time to change the record.

 

*Mullavey (Bob McFarland) asks if Jack is going to be okay*

Warlock: “Got some Drano I can drink?”

D: Yeah, I just saved money on my car insurance.

 

*Jack reports to Shanna that Sweet killed Will. Shanna “Is there anything I can do?”

Warlock: Take his shirt off.

 

*DeAngelo gives Jeremy (Charles Philip Monroe) a tongue lashing for letting Shanna go. He wants Shanna dead by 10 PM and he’ll kill him if he doesn’t get the job done. Once Jeremy leaves, DeAngelo says he doesn’t trust them. DeAngelo calls and hires Sweet, meanwhile Shanna sings again*

D: This song again.

 

*Jack says Sweet knows the song she’s singing. She asks what he’s gonna do. Jack “I’m gonna take him out”

D: “I’m gonna take him out then I’m gonna take you up the ass.”

 

*Barbara drives to San Fransisco and walks in the door of her house*

D: Well she’s about to die.

 

*Sweet corners Barbara and she screams. We cut to another video shoot*

Warlock: Oh good, at least we don’t have to hear it.

 

*DeAngelo mills around as Jeremy pulls up. Bobby walks downstairs and apologizes to Jack*

Warlock: A face turn?

 

*Bobby says she likes the rough stuff. Jack “If you lay your hands on her again, I’m gonna break them off and shove them down your throat” Bobby drags Shanna upstairs and threatens her. She runs out and says “Let’s split” They drive off and Jeremy follows them*

Warlock: Hi Jeremy.

 

*Jack’s car flips over as Jeremy and his crew shoot up the car with nobody in it since Jack and Shanna got away*

Warlock: These guys are idiots.

 

*Jack starts capping mobsters in a warehouse*

Warlock: He missed him point blank.

D: Its like GI Joe, a thousand lazers going around and nobody gets hit.

Warlock: That sounds like A-Team

 

*Sunglasses dude gets shot up with his own gun*

D: If you weren’t wearing sunglasses you would have saw that.

Warlock:25 minutes of torture left.

 

*Jack shoots the rest of the mobsters. Meanwhile DeAngelo is about to toast to Shanna’s death when Jack busts in and takes everyone out hand to hand. DeAngelo sicks Frank Ellis (Brad Hefton) on him. Jack says he saw him fight in New York and he was great. Frank gives him a chance to leave and DeAngelo complains, Frank says he’ll do things his way. Obviously Jack refuses and they fight*

Warlock: I would have loved to this fight for real.

 

*DeAngelo shoots Frank dead and Jack beats the shit out of him.DeAngelo goes for the gun and Jack breaks his jaw with a kick*

Warlock: Good.

 

*Jack and Shanna kiss*

Warlock: Here comes your pointless sex scene.

D: I’d hit it.

 

*Jack and Shanna have a sex scene*

D: Come on you shmucks, do something!

 

*Jack wakes up in the middle of the night, Bobby is there. He catches them in bed. He goes to hit Jack but Jack breaks his nose with a right cross. Shanna yells at him and Jack leaves. Meanwhile the doorbell rings. Shanna opens the door and its Sweet*

Warlock: Surprise!!

 

*Sweet rams Bobby through a wall*

D: I am Lord Vigo!

 

*Jack comes back and finds Bobby dead and Shanna gone. A playing card says “Your place”

Warlock: Time for the big finale.

 

*Jack drives to the dojo. Rene is there and tells Sweet that Jack is on his way*

Warlock: I haven’t seen one black belt yet.

 

*Sweet ties up Shanna as Jack makes it to his dojo, Sweet “Mother, your maid of honor” and he pulls out Barbara’s ring finger*

Warlock: Oooooh yeah.

 

*Rene has a whole crew of men ready to jump Jack. He fights them off one by one*

Warlock: Hahahah why don’t they just gang jump him?

 

*Jack continues to beat up all the henchmen*

Warlock: Just gang rush him, one on one don’t work. Nice Bruce Lee stomp.

 

*Jack dispatches everyone as Sweet cuts his own finger off*

Warlock: Why??

 

*Jack and Sweet fight, Jack’s blows have no effect.  They brawl in the dojo and finally Jack starts to wear him down. Shanna frees herself. Sweet punches her and he drops his sword. Jack kicks him as Shanna picks up the sword and impales him. Jack “You can go home now”

Warlock: Yeah, just forget this ever happened.

 

*Jack kisses Shanna and they leave, end credits*

Warlock: We made it, hooray, hooray!

D: That was some smelly trash.

 

Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 2 out of 10, makes No Retreat, No Surrender look like Enter The Dragon. That was trash, smelly smelly trash.

Warlock’s Assessment:  I give it a 4 out of 10…I liked the sex and violence but not much plot. Horrible soundtrack to boot. That was a turd.

Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – Trash

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Of all the Don Wilson movies out there, that could possibly be the worst. Its a shame because the title implies some kind of martial arts tournament could go down. Instead we got this…this…

D: Trash.

Warlock: Yes, exactly. I take it you dont want to see another Dragon Wilson movie?

D: Hell no.

Warlock: Well that wraps up the Don Wilson tribute…after one movie. Have a pleasant evening.

156. Cyborg (1989)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair, he’s wearing a black leather jacket, t-shirt, gargoyle shades, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a diamond studded goblet of Dr Pepper *

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky then enters the lair*

Warlock: Tonight’s tale is a little different.  Rather than go with straight up horror movies all month, we’re going to switch it up a little. Tonight…

*Warlock’s phone buzzes as Mr. America throws open the door to the lair. He’s wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: Snorlax outside, lets go.

*Warlock runs out the door with America and they hold their phones up*

America: This way.

Warlock: No, go left.

*America’s phone buzzes*

America: Now!

*Warlock and America start slinging pokeballs on their phone*

Warlock: The Pokemon Broke Free. I hate that shit.

America: God damn raspberries dont work.

Warlock: Damn great ball dont work either.

America: Fuck this I’m using an ultra ball.

Warlock: Got em!

America: Bout fuckin time. Let’s go.

*Warlock and America walk back inside*

America: What a game!

Warlock: As I was saying. Tonight’s movie is Cyborg!

*America sits in the recliner*

America: The Jean Claude Van Damme movie?

Warlock: Yup, the 1989 action movie.

*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get started with Cyborg.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A martial artist hunts a killer in a plague-infested urban dump of the future.”

America: Um…

 

*Opening voice-over from Fender saying the world got the plague and scientists were trying to restore the world….against his wishes*

Warlock: Happy dude.

 

*Fender (Vincent Klyn) is chasing Pearl (Dayle Haddon) and some guy. The guy is being chased by pirates. Two of them kick his ass*

Warlock: Who are these guys?

 

*Fender says he doesn’t want the cure because he likes the world the way it is. He cuts the dude’s throat and his minions wipe the blade*

Warlock: Real friendly dude huh?

America: Hmmm

 

*Opening credits followed by Pearl on the run from bandits. Gibson Rickenbacker (Jean Claude Van Damme) saves the day*

Warlock: Hey, who’s that?

America: Van Damme.

 

*Pearl thanks and then scans Gibson. She wants his help to take her to Atlanta to help cure the plague. She removes her wig to reveal her cybernetic mainframe*

America: Woah

 

*Pearl says she’s a cyborg*

Warlock: Well there’s your plot right there, defend the cyborg and bring her to Atlanta.

 

*Fender’s gang show up and knocks Gibson loopy. Fender holds up the head of the dude from earlier and says HE’LL take her to Atlanta. Meanwhile Gibson later punches his way out of the rubble*

America: Yeah you really showed that cardboard. Btw if she’s a cyborg that means no love interest.

 

*Fender’s gang sets fire to slum. Fender says he can’t swim and hates the water. Fender kills a few people*

Warlock: Good way to establish the heel.

 

*Fender takes a boat to Atlanta while Gibson stares at the fire*

Warlock: So far this guy’s done nothing.

America: Yes he has, stared intently.

 

*Gibson knocks a woman out that was spying on him*

Warlock: I hate to say it but there’s your love interest.

America: Looks like I spoke too soon.

 

*Gibson flashes back to when someone else paid him to be a slinger. He looked after them until he cuts the flashback with a little girl screaming and Fender smiling*

Warlock: That no good bastard Fender has something to do with this.

America: The hell?

 

*The woman grabs a nearby stick and hides it. She pops up and says she knows where she’s going. Gibson asks why she’s still alive, she said she hid*

Warlock: I don’t believe her.

 

*Gibson “I’m gone”

Warlock: No you’re not, youre still here.

 

*Woman wants to help Gibson because her family died of the plague. He says he doesn’t care about the plague, he wants Fender*

Warlock: Revenge is on his mind.

 

*Gibson blows her off but she continues to follow him*

Warlock: Are we ever gonna get a name?

 

*Some dude earlier was Marshall Stratt (Alex Daniels). Meanwhile Gibson says he was watching over her*

America: What a guy.

 

*Gibson gets the scoop from the bartender where to find Fender. The woman’s name is Nady Simmons (Deborah Richter). Meanwhile Gibson has more flashbacks while talking to the bartender Maze. Maze asks what happens when he kills Fender*

America: Then he fights more douchebags…then another….then more.

 

*Some kid bouncing a ball (Patrick Barley) gets his ball stolen by some pirate and Gibson kicks his ass to give the ball back to the kid. His mother (Nena Barley) nods at him*

America: Awww he has a heart.

 

*Tough looking guys on Fender’s ship sharpen weapons*

Warlock: Look at these bad looking dudes.

 

*Nady and Gibson continue walking through the wasteland. Pirates attack and Nady takes off*

America: Good on her for running away and not standing there.

 

*Gibson attacks and kills pirates*

America: Walker Texas Ranger school of bad guys raises its head again.

 

*After finishing the last guy off, the guy falls off a building and screams*

America: Hahahaha

 

*Nady goes skinny dipping*

Warlock: This is not the worst movie of all time.

 

*Nady by the fire wants Gibson but he turns her down*

Warlock: Ohhhhh, REJECTED!

 

*Gibson has a flashback of him getting it on with the girl from the flashback*

Warlock: That’s why.

 

*Gibson is after Fender as some woman looks at Pearl*

Warlock: You now I’m getting tired of them not naming anyone.

America: You’ll live.

 

*Pearl has a flashback of her own of how she was created and sent with Marshall*

Warlock: That explains a little bit.

 

*Fender instructs Brick (Ralf Moeller) to take out Gibson and Nady*

Warlock: Oh boy, time to fight.

 

*Pirates stalk Gibson and Nady*

America: How much time is left?

Warlock: An hour.

 

*Gibson swings a lead pipe like Tarzan and kills a few pirates before he spots Fender*

Warlock: Too early for the fight.

 

*Fender stands over Nady’s body and Gibson walks toward him. Gibson takes out another pirate and Fender shoots him in the arm*

Warlock: Yeah, too early.

 

*Haley (Haley Peterson) walks toward Gibson. Gibson recognizes her as the little girl (Kristina Sebsastian) from his flashback. Gibson looks on in horror as Haley takes Fender’s side. Gibson throws a knife and runs for it*

Warlock: Now he REALLY wants Fender dead.

 

*Brick chases Gibson as Gibson takes out the two henchmen guarding Pearl. He checks Nady’s pulse and picks her up in a fireman’s carry. He tells Pearl to come on but she says no. She’ll go along with him for now, she tells him to scram*

Warlock: Too late, there’s Brick.

 

*Gibson runs with Nady on his shoulders outside. Brick, Fender and the gang chase hm but Gibson escapes through the sewers. Brick stalks Gibson but Gibson’s got the drop on him by doing a split in the doorway*

America: How can Brick not see him? When he was 20 feet back, how did he not see him then?

Warlock: He’s deaf, dumb and blind apparently.

America: Clearly!

 

*Gibson stabs and kills Brick with a large sword. His partner screams*

America: How is that going to help?

 

*Nady is now conscious and they escape the sewer. Meanwhile the pirates find Brick dead*

Warlock: So much for him.

 

*Female goon attacks Nady, Gibson goes one on one with another pirate*

Warlock: Once again I’d like some names.

 

*Gibson is overwhelmed by 4 pirates*

Warlock: Once again they’re attacking one by one.

 

*Gibson is down for the count*

America: Is he gonna make the classic mistake of capturing him and bringing him back?

Warlock: Of course. Wouldn’t be much of a movie if he didn’t.

 

*Fender shows up and they go one on one. Fender beats him all over the beach*

Warlock: So much for the one on one fight.

America: Still early, remember.

 

*Fender headbutts and knocks out Gibson. His gang (all 6 of them) look up to see Gibson crucified. Haley looks sad as Gibson wakes up. They have a full 3 minute scene of just staring*

Warlock: Jesus H Christ, hurry this up.

 

*Gibson on the cross has a flashback of holding younger Haley as his lover says he’s good with them. His flashback has Fender sneaking up on him sleeping with the lover*

Warlock: Fuck it, don’t name anyone. I give up.

 

*Flashback has Haley taken hostage as Fender has Gibson, lover and lover’s brother tied up as Fender makes young Haley grab barbed wire*

Warlock: That’s gonna hurt.

 

*Fender says if she can hold on, they live. Gibson in real time tries to kick his way off the cross*

Warlock: Its working.

 

*Young Haley lets go of the barbed wire and the trio tumble into the well. Gibson stops kicking as in the flashback, Gibson climbs out of the well alone. The other two are dead*

Warlock: Holy shit.

 

*The cross breaks and Gibson crashes to the ground. Nady stands over him and cuts him loose*

Warlock: Where did she come from?

America: She got knocked out.

 

*Pearl and Fender talk. He doesn’t trust her and yells at her as they walk through a junkyard*

Warlock: Wanna buy a used car?

America: Nope.

Warlock: Well they made it to Atlanta.

 

*Pirates stumble around Atlanta*

Warlock: 17 minutes left, can we end this please?

 

*Gibson fires arrow directly in front of Fender*

Warlock: Why didn’t he take him out? He had the clean shot and he wouldn’t have seen it coming?

America: Too easy.

 

*Fender sends his men after Gibson. “MOOOOVE” Gibson attacks as Nady grabs Pearl and runs. More henchmen are dispatched. Last remaining female henchwoman and Nady goes one on one while last male remaining goes one on one with Gibson. Gibson spinkicks the male into fire and he falls into a gas line…KABOOM. Meanwhile Nady guts the woman*

Warlock: Now its time for the finale.

 

*Fender and Gibson go one on one with Haley behind Fender. Fender once again gets the upperhand and slams Gibson’s head with a car door until Haley shouts to stop. Fender stalks Haley and Nady interferes, getting stabbed in the process. She falls and Gibson screams. Gibson “FENDER!!!’ Fender “FUCKER!!!”

Warlock: Hahaha

America: Can’t imagine how long it took them to memorize the dialogue for this scene.

 

*Gibson gets a second wind and goes on the attack. Finally Gibson guts him with his own machette*

Warlock: About fucking time. This movie gave us nothing. Most of the movie was visual and dialogue was “aggghhhhhhh, gaghhhhhh, arghhhhh”

 

*Gibson hugs Haley but Fender pops up and strangles him. Gibson headbutts him and they fight again*

Warlock: So is this round 3 or 4?

America: I don’t know.

 

*Gibson finally kicks the crap out of Fender and spinkicks him into a grappling hook, impaling him*

Warlock: If he comes back again…

 

*Pearl wakes up and goes outside to inspect the damage. Gibson and Haley stand over Nady in the rain*

Warlock: Wouldn’t that fry her circuits?

 

*Gibson is sad Nady is dead*

Warlock: Haley better get away from him, everyone he gets close to dies.

 

*The Boss greets Pearl and Gibson is asked to stay. Gibson and Haley walk out. Pearl says she feels HE’S the cure for this world*

Warlock: Yeah, the cure for the bubonic plague is Jean Claude Van Damme.

America: Sturdiest door I’ve seen all movie.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4.

The Warlock’s Assessment:  This was awful. I give it a 4. Hardly any dialogue, the action was good but the bad guys weren’t named or developed at all. Fender made a great heel but was poorly developed…..just not well done.

Final Grade: 4 out of 10 – Bad

 

*Warlock gets up and chucks a drink coaster at the tv*

Warlock: That sucked! I was expecting Van Damme to kick ass but he was plain average most of the movie. It was convoluted and boring with Van Damme looking mortal. It wasnt a complete waste of time but it was pretty close. Well that about…

*America’s phone buzzes*

America: Electabuzz…lets go.

*America and Warlock run out of the lair*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.