*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, t-shirt, blue jeans, whitesneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*The warlock flicks his wrist and lightning strikes before he walks inside*
Warlock: Its Halloween month here at the Realm and that means horror movies, our trademark. Unlike Mr. America and Mr. Wallstreet, Thug D here doesnt like garbage.
*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with metal band patches, Motorhead tshirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*
D: Fucking right.
Warlock: So tonight we experience The Howling, the 1981 horror about a town of werewolves. I can sink my teeth into that.
*D doesnt bite on the pun. Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: Let’s begin The Howling.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “After a bizarre and near fatal encounter with a serial killer, a television newswoman is sent to a remote mountain resort whose residents may not be what they seem.”
Thug D: Its kind of like Salem’s Lot but with werewolves.
*Opening credits to television programs*
Warlock: This would cause seizures.
Thug D: This is only happening because people are weird.
*Dr George Waggner (Patrick Macnee) is being interviewed, talking about animal instinct*
*Karen White (Dee Wallace) gets accosted by a street bum. Then sees a smiley face*
*Older cop (Kenneth Tobey) says if the culprit is wearing lavender, they’d find him*
*News guy tells Bill Neil (Christopher Stone) is wife is cute.
Thug D: Gee thanks
*Bill introduces himself to the news crew. She calls the serial killer with everyone listening in. They lose him*
Warlock: What a shit show.
*Karen gives up the phone booth to some guy (Roger Corman)*
Warlock: Hey Roger Corman.
*Karen walks into an adult book store*
Thug D: Heh, she’s in a porno store.
*Two guys (Robert A Burns, Forrest J Ackerman) split as soon as they see Karen*
Warlock: I love when that happens.
*Karen meets Eddie the Serial Killer (Robert Picardo). He professes his love for her while watching a snuff film*
Warlock: I know that voice.
*Eddie turns into a werewolf. Two cops shoot him*
Warlock: Shoot first, ask questions later.
*Karen is escorted out safely. The store owner (Herbie Braha) protests. People stare at her outside*
Warlock: Why is everyone staring at her?
*Karen has a nightmare of Eddie and Bill wakes her up*
*Two reporters, one is Chris Halloran (Dennis Dugan). search Eddie’s apartment and find a picture of Karen. They bring it to the doctor, they have a last name. Meanwhile Karen has flashbacks of Eddie while making love to Bill and she stops him cold*
*Karen goes on TV but can’t do her job, she’s too traumatized. Fred Francis (Kevin McCarthy) says maybe she’s pregnant*
D: He’s a Hollywood legend.
*Dr. Waggner suggests Karen take a two week stay at “the colony”*
Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!
D: “I suggest you go to The Colony”
D and Warlock: THE END
*Bill and Karen meet Jerry (James Murtaugh) and his wife Donna (Margie Impart), Charlie (Noble Willingham) and others*
Warlock: And she’s nuts?
*Bill runs into Marsha (Elisabeth Brooks) who knows who he is*
Warlock: That’s creepy.
*Dr. Waggner talks with Karen and Donna. TC (Don McLeod) is staring at her. Marsha hands a book back to Waggner and says her brother doesn’t need to read it. She walks away and Donna calls her a bitch*
Warlock: There’s your heel.
*Waggner stops Erle (John Carradine) from killing himself. Waggner talks him out of it*
Warlock: Wow if only Mr. America was here. He knows who that is.
*Karen has a nightmare of Erle burning himself. She wakes up Bill and says something was howling. He says its just the wind*
Warlock: There’s your movie title.
*Bill says the wildest thing she’s ever heard was Wolfman Jack*
Warlock: The great sensation that’s sweeping the nation.
D: Did she expect him to go out and look? Get your ass back in bed bitch.
*Karen goes out to check out the strange noises herself. Next morning Karen and Donna are introduced to Deputy Sam Newfield (Slim Pickens)
Warlock: Hey Slim Pickens.
D: I love how they’re in LA or New York and the deputy has a southern accent.
*The Coroner (John Sayles) open the morgue and Eddie is gone. Coroner says Eddie didn’t get up and walk out on his own*
Warlock: Yes he did….by the way John Sayles in the house.
D: Love how there was a cheeseburger next to the human brains.
*Karen and Donna talk. Karen doesn’t like the way the cows sound. Karen and Donna investigate and they find a decapitated cow*
*Erle, Charlie, Bill and others go hunting*
Warlock: I love the carnival soundtrack
D: Its like buffoon music.
*Karen tells her sob story to Dr. Waggner with other people around. She freaks out. Meanwhile Bill shoots a rabbit*
Warlock:Good thing Neyz didn’t see that.
*Two nuns walk into a bookstore. The owner (Dick Miller) banters with Chris. Terry Fisher (Belinda Balaski) reads Warlock’s, Witches and Werewolves*
*The owner gives a big clue that werewolves can only be killed by silver bullets.
Warlock: A clue!
*TC tells Bill that his sister likes to cook*
D: Marsha’s probably naked.
*Marsha chops up the rabbit*
Warlock: Poor Bugs.
*Marsha goes to kiss Bill but he resists her*
Warlock: Wow, a faithful husband.
*A werewolf starts stalking Bill. It knocks him down and scratches him*
Warlock: It didn’t kill him?
D: Nope, making it one of them.
*Dr. Waggner injects a large needle into Bill. Karen wants to go home. Waggner says a bite like that could be serious and to stick around*
Warlock: Keeping them there…curious.
*Chris and Terry snuggle in bed watching a werewolf documentary. They get a phone call from Karen. Bill got bitten by a wolf. The voice on TV says anyone bitten by a werewolf turns into one. Chris says it was probably a stray dog*
Warlock: Woof woof
*Karen shittalks Marsha to Terry and pegs her as being after Bill*
Warlock: Smart lady.
*Bill chows down on meat despite being a vegetarian*
D: There’s your first clue.
*Karen has another nightmare. Bill is nowhere to be found when she wakes up. He wanders outside in a bathrobe and finds Marsha*
Warlock: Well so much for being faithful.
*They both disrobe*
Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.
*Bill fucks Marsha by the campfire. He howls with his fangs out*
Warlock: Money shot
*Special effects shows the two wolves fucking. Next frame is next morning, Terry records noises and draws pictures. Bill returns to Karen. Terry discovers one of Eddie’s drawings is of The Colony where they are at*
Warlock: She found a clue. Alright Lurch, lay off the harpsichord will ya?
*Terry investigates the forest by herself. She finds a dilapidated house*
Warlock: Yeah this isn’t creepy or anything, a dilapidated house in the middle of the woods.
D: Oh god a skunk skin? Why the hell would you want that? I imagine it would smell even if its dead.
*Terry “Hello? Is anybody in here?”
Warlock: There’s nobody in here!
*Terry finds Eddie’s stuff all over the walls*
D: You basically learn the murderer is from this area.
Warlock: So they can change at will?
D: Yeah. Although it defeats the purpose. Who’d want to be a werewolf if you can do it at will?
*Terry grabs a hatchet and starts swinging at Eddie. She cuts hits hand off*
Warlock: Oh yeah, they regenerate right?
*Terry runs away*
D: Lost her camera
Warlock: Yeah, no proof now.
*Terry runs to a cabin and makes a phone call to Christopher to tell him the news. Meanwhile Karen wakes up from another dream. Bill is in the bathroom. They argue and Bill slaps her when she insinuates he slept with Marsha*
D: She knows about Marsha.
*Terry tries to convince Christopher that Eddie lives there and Eddie is alive. She insinuates that Waggner is apart of this. Christopher says to go find the last name Quist. Marsha, TC and Eddie are related. Meanwhile Eddie barges in and slaps her around. She crawls away and Eddie stalks her. Christopher calls the cops*
Warlock: At least he did the right thing.
*Eddie goes for the kill but we cut to Sam saying he’s sure Terry is safe. Eddie bites and kills Terry*
Warlock: So much for her.
*Christopher runs out of the bookstore with silver bullets, the owner calls him a crazy fuck*
Warlock: He should have went with him.
*Karen goes into Waggner’s office and finds Terry dead. She hears howling and Eddie pops up, half human, half wolf. He digs the bullet out of his skull and hands it to her*
Warlock: Oh boy, a present.
*Eddie turns right in front of her*
D: I say that was the greatest wolf transformation in movie history.
Warlock: Better than David Naughton?
*Karen grabs acid and throws it on Eddie. She runs out the door. Meanwhile Chris is stuck at a gas station. Meanwhile Charlie and Jerry take Karen hostage. Erle and the other Colonists are in the barn waiting for her, some woman is gutted on a slab in the middle of it. Dr. Waggner and Donna walk out and she goes to hug him but he shoves her away. Donna gives it away that they were all bitten, including Waggner. Waggner wanted to fit in with humans but Marsha and Erle wanted to use humans as prey*
Warlock: They’re like mutants.
*TC shows up without a hand*
Warlock: Oh TC was the one who killed Terry.
*Charlie and Erle knock down Waggner, meanwhile Chris walks into Waggner’s office with a rifle. Christopher finds the files on the Quist family. Eddie barges in and grabs Christopher’s gun. He asks where Terry is, Eddie gives away the plot. Christopher “What did you do to her?”
Warlock: “Me? Nothing”
*Eddie hands Christopher the rifle and challenges him to shoot him. Eddie begins turning and Christopher shoots him. Meanwhile they go to kill Karen when Christopher pops up. TC attacks first and Christopher shoots him*
Warlock: Carradine’s like “if that don’t be all”
*Christopher shoots Jerry and Waggner tells Karen to stand back. He shoots Waggner and Waggner says “thank god” before dying*
*Christopher and Karen barricade everyone else in the barn and set it on fire*
Warlock: Erle finally gets his wish.
*The wolves try to escape as Chris and Karen make it to the car. A wolf attacks as they drive off. Deputy Sam opens fire on the car and Chris shoots him dead. They blow the Mazda and go to take Deputy Sam’s cruiser when the wolves attack. Chris can’t start the cruiser*
Warlock: Why won’t it start? He just had it running.
*A wolf attacks Karen but she manages to blow its head off. Karen looks behind her and it was Bill*
Warlock: So much for him.
*Karen prepares to go on the news to warn people of the Colony. The newscaster says a lot of people died in the fire. Karen gives a speech saying werewolves exist and turns into one on camera. Lew Landers (James MacKrell) says “Holy shit!” The bookstore guy “Oh boy”
Warlock and D: Heh.
*Christopher shoots Karen as Fred says to cut. They cut to a dog food commercial. At the bar where everyone watches the news, Marsha looks at the camera and says she likes her burgers rare. End credits*
D: I love that fucking ending.
Thug D’s Assessment: I give it an 8. That’s my favorite werewolf movie. Some of the effects were really great for their time.
Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7. For its time, I loved it. It flowed pretty good and packed a lot in for 90 minutes.
Final Grade – 7.5 out of 10 – Great
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Now thats more like it. That was a classic early 80’s horror movie done right. Special effects, plot, acting, great stuff. They made a whole bunch of sequels but none of them had anything to do with the original.
D: So fuck em.
Warlock: Amen, that about wraps up another good movie. Have a pleasant evening.