*When we last left off, The Warlock was on the set of Lacy Lou’s popular TV show Indy Horror Rising. He had shown how he got into B Horror movies when he watched The Coroner when he was 15 years old*
Lacy: And we’re back with The Warlock. That was very interesting how you chose The Coroner almost at random 17 years ago and here you are today.
W: Unfortunately I have to admit, that movie is apart of my tapestry and can’t change it.
Lacy: Now you were also going to tell me how this all began?
W: Oh yes, I’ve been watching movies with my dad ever since I was old enough to crawl on his lap and one of our favorites was Where Eagles Dare. It was a World War 2 based movie starring Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood filmed in 1968.
Lacy: I have not seen that.
W: What makes this so special is it was one of the first I can remember watching with him. Of course I can’t exactly remember what he said the first time I saw it but I remember when I was 10 exactly what we said.
Lacy: How did you do that?
W: Photographic memory I guess. Either way if The Coroner was one of the worst movies I ever saw, then Where Eagles Dare more than makes up for it.
Lacy: Tell us about it.
*Warlock flashbacks to 1996. 10 year old him is wearing a Bret Hart t-shirt, blue jean shorts and a Boston Red Sox cap*
Warlock: Daddy daddy, what are we gonna do for Father’s Day?
Wizard: I don’t know about you but I’M watching a movie.
Warlock: What movie?
Wizard: Where Eagles Dare.
Warlock: The Clint Eastwood one you like?
Warlock: Ohhhhh I’ll watch it to.
*Warlock sits on the couch next to Wizard as the movie begins*
Written by Alistair MacLean
Directed by Brian G Hutton
*Movie opens with a British airplane flying over the Autrian alps with the opening credits and the theme song*
Warlock: I love this song.
Wizard: Every time I hear it I know some nazi scumbags are gonna die. Always a good thing.
*The inside of the plane shows a British MI6 hit team led by Major Smith (Richard Burton), including Lt Schaffer (Clint Eastwood), Sgt Christiansen (Donald Houston), Sgt Ted Berkeley (Peter Barkworth), Sgt Thomas (William Squire), Sgt. Harrod (Brook Williams) and Sgt. Jock MacPherson (Neil McCarthy)*
Warlock: Funny thing is Clint Eastwood wasn’t the most well known member of the cast back then.
Wizard: Correct, Richard Burton was the star. Eastwood had just come off the Spaghetti Western trilogy but this was a British movie.
*Major Smith has a flashback to their briefing at headquarters, Colonel Turner (Patrick Wymark) and Admiral Rolland (Michael Hordern) brief the hit team on what happened. General Carnaby (Robert Beatty) and his plane was shot down and they were double damned idiots for ignoring Turner’s plea not to fly over Austria*
Warlock: Double damned idiots.
*Carnaby is being held in the town of Verfen in the Schloss Adler aka The Castle of Eagles which was named because only an eagle to get to it as it was built high up in the mountains*
Warlock: I want to visit there.
*Turner says their mission is to penetrate the castle and get Carnaby out before he talks. Smith asks how the plane was shot down and Turner says a German fighter plane shot him down. Turner says everyone in the room may not have worked together but they know each other except for Schaffer who’s an American Ranger*
Warlock: Why is he there?
Wizard: They’ll explain it.
*Turner says they’re all trained in combat and speak fluent German and should be enough to get Carnaby out through stealth and secrecy. Christiansen pipes in and says there’s another way with 100% guaranteed success. Turner says he and Rolland are open to ideas and Christiansen says just to blow the whole place up and nobody will ever talk again*
Wizard: Blowed up real good.
*Rolland says Carnaby is an American general and if the Americans figure out that Mi6 killed him then General Eisenhauer will launch the second front against Great Britain instead of the Germans. Christiansen nods his head*
Warlock: If they did that there would be no movie.
*Turner asks if there’s any other questions. Harrod asks why he’s so damned important. Turner goes to shut him up but Rolland says he deserves to know. Carnaby knows when and where the Second Front will be and if he talks, the Germans will be ready for it. Harrod apologizes and so does Turner*
Warlock: Second Front is D-Day right?
*Turner ends the briefing and we’re back on the plane. They get the signal and the entire team paratroops down to drop area in the high alpine pasture. A moment after the team lands, a blonde haired woman jumps out in full gear*
Warlock: Who’s that?
Wizard: You’ll see.
*The team lands*
Warlock: That looks like it hurts.
Wizard: Its the sudden drop that gets you.
*Smith gets to the equipment locker first and soon the others make their way over as well. They start to gear up when Smith notices one missing. He asks “Where’s Harrod?” Schaffer says he was drifting to the trees nearby. The team splits up to look for him*
Warlock: Good thing Mr. America didn’t see that.
Wizard: They’re all dressed the same, how did he know which one was Harrod?
*Sgt Thomas finds Harrod down and screams “MAJOR!”*
Wizard: Way to give your position away.
*Smith checks on him, his neck is broken and he’s dead. Christiansen “Dammit!”
Warlock: We got one down.
*Berkeley asks what to do. Smith tells the group to pack up and the snow will bury Harrod. Smith wants to see if the radio is working. The group leaves and Smith checks the radio, it works. He looks at Harrod’s neck and discovered the skin is badly discolored*
Warlock: What’s that mean?
Wizard: One of them killed him.
Warlock: A traitor!
*Smith says there’s a barn a mile down the valley they can regroup in. Thomas asks what about the people living in it. Smith says there isn’t anyone because the cattle roam there from May to September, otherwise its deserted*
Wizard: Imagine a winter lasting from October to April.
Warlock: No thanks.
*Smith and crew make it to the barn. They unpack and Smith says he forgot the radio code book in Harrod’s pocket and he needs to go get it. Christiansen says he’ll get it but Smith says no, its his own fault. He says if he’s not back in an hour, signal him with a flare gun. Christiansen asks what about the Germans and Smith says there’s not a German for 5 miles. He asks Jock to save him some coffee and Jock says it’ll be cold by then. Smith says that’s the advantage, you can’t taste cold coffee”
*Smith goes to a woodshed 20 feet from the barn where the blonde haired woman pulls a gun on him. Smith turns around and she puts the gun down, the woman’s name is Mary (Mary Ure). She’s a secret member of the team*
Warlock: They better explain this.
*Smith isn’t so pleasant with Mary because Harrod was murdered and whoever did it broke his neck to make it look like an accident. He says he’s taking the group at dawn into the town and try not to bump into them*
Warlock: Hahaha Thomas goes “ahhhh who’s thatttttt???”
*Smith says they’ll be heading to a bar called Zum Vinden Hirsch, he’ll meet her in the woodshed next to it at 8 pm the next day. He pulls out a nightie from her equipment bag and says she’s come fully prepared*
*Mary asks how he knows all this but he stones her cold. Mary “I’m entitled to know.” Smith “You’re entitled to know nothing.” Smith kisses her and the scene cuts*
Wizard: He’s gonna get some exercise.
Warlock: I don’t see a Soloflex.
*Jock and Schaffer are the only ones awake. Schaffer is cleaning his gun when Smith arrives back, Schaffer asks where he was and Smith says he met a fabulous blonde. Schaffer asks if she has any friends*
*Smith uses the radio and sends Jock and Schaffer to bed. The radio doesn’t work. He’ll try again in the morning*
Warlock: That’s a pain in the ass.
*Major leads the team through the woods and then tells them all to stop. He brings Schaffer only to a spying area. They spot the castle and Schaffer asks how anyone can get up there. Smith reveals Turner is a double agent that spent 3 years penetrating the High Command to get in there and if he could, they can. He tells Schaffer to get the boys back behind the trees and he’ll be along shortly*
Warlock: How could he be German and British?
Wizard: The term is “Double Agent”. He posed as a German officer while secretly working for the British. Its like you claiming to be a Yankees fan when you’re really a Red Sox fan.
*Smith uses the radio and calls Rolland and Turner. He tells them Harrod has been murdered and Rolland says they’ll remain at HQ until the operation is over. Turner says Rolland is right that they have traitors. Rolland says Smith may be next, Turner says no because Smith has a 6th, 7th and 8th sense. Rolland says if there’s a traitor then the mission is impossible*
Warlock: Nothing is impossible.
*Schaffer checks out the Schloss Adler cable car system and the army barracks using binoculars. Smith reveals that this is the training ground for German soldiers and spies. Schaffer says he should have told him that earlier. Smith says this was planned and they’re wearing these uniforms because what’s six new faces amongst 600? Schaffer asks why he’s there and Smith says he’s there BECAUSE he’s an American. Suddenly a chopper flies by*
Warlock: A huey?
*General Rosemeyer (Ferdy Mayne) exits the chopper and meets Colonel Kramer (Anton Diffring) along with the German battalion. Kramer lines up his senior staff for Rosemeyer to meet. Major Bacola, Major Brant, Colonel Weissner (Victor Beaumont) and Major Von Hapen (Derren Nesbitt) representing the Gestapo*
Wizard: Sons of bitches.
*Rosemeyer is clearly miffed to see Von Hapen and as he and Kramer walk away he gives Kramer strict orders to keep Von Hapen out of the questioning of Carnaby until they have the information they need. Rosemeyer “We don’t need the gestapo cluttering things up with their torture chambers.”
Warlock: Wow, even the nazis didn’t like the Gestapo.
Wizard: Very bad men.
*Rosemeyer says he wants to rest and relax before meeting Carnaby and the next frame shows the town at night with a train passing by. Smith’s team makes it across the tracks into an equipment shed. They unpack and gear up in German uniforms. They exit the shed and walk amongst the Germans. Smith and Schaffer start speaking English*
Warlock: Wouldn’t that give them away?
Wizard: No, this is a training ground. They’re taught English so they can be spies.
*Smith’s men make it to the bar. Some major (John G Heller) gives Smith the stink eye. Smith spots a busty waitress (Ingrid Pitt) and goes to make his move*
Warlock: More exercise?
*Smith plants the girl on his lap. Her name is Heidi and Smith sweet talks her. He pulls her in close and tells him to meet him in the woodshed in 5 minutes and slap him in the face. She slaps him and storms off. The major says his conduct is not becoming of the Wehrmacht*
Warlock: The werewolf?
Wizard: Wehrmacht, the German army.
*Smith identifies himself as Major Bernd Himmler and to mind his own business. The major gets spooked and shuts up. Smith goes back to Schaffer and Schaffer asks what that was about. Smith says he said he was Himmler’s brother. Schaffer “Yeah I can see why that would shake him up a little*
Wizard: Heinrich Himmler was Hitler’s right hand man. He’s the one who oversaw the Holocaust and he was the leader of the Gestapo. Old time Germans say he was somewhat worse than Hitler.
*Smith goes to meet Mary in the woodshed. They kiss again. Smith says Mary will penetrate the Schloss Adler by applying for a job. She will be claiming to be Heidi’s cousin and from the Rhineland. Mary says this must have taken a lot of planning, Smith says a long time. Mary says Carmaby’s plane only went down yesterday and Smith said it was arranged that way. They crash landed an empty plane and riddled it with holes, British machine gun holes. Smith “What the hell a hole is a hole is a hole as they say” Mary asks all this for a general and Smith says no. He’s got to get to the castle because that’s not General Carnaby inside but an imposter, an American actor named Cartwright Jones. He’s a corporal and a second rate actor but looks like Carnaby. Mary asks if he talked him into this and Smith said he volunteered, what actor wouldn’t*
Wizard: Did you get all that?
Warlock: So Turner tells everyone that General Carnaby is holed up at the Adler. Now Smith is saying not only is it not Carnaby but everyone but Smith’s men knows its not Carnaby.
Wizard: Yes, this isn’t about Carnaby Jones at all, you’ll see soon.
*Mary and Smith get a knock on the door. Its Heidi. Smith says Mary will be taking orders from her from now on as she’s been their top agent in Bavaria since 1941 and has quite a disguise*
Wizard: Just admiring her cleavage.
*Smith leaves and finds a familiar hat on the ground. He looks around and finds Jock lying in the snow nearby. He checks on him, he’s been beaten to death*
Wizard: Poor Jock.
*Smith talks with Schaffer and Schaffer tells him Jock left shortly after Smith did. Schaffer said any one of them could have killed him. Schaffer says he knows Harrod wasn’t killed in the drop so Smith better start telling him what’s REALLY going on or he’s out of this mess. Smith goes to tell him what the real plan is when Mary walks in. Heidi is talking with Major Von Hapen. Heidi warns Mary that he’s gestapo and Von Hapen introduces himself*
Warlock: He looks British.
Wizard: The actor is.
*Von Hapen offers to escort Heidi and Mary to the cable car later. Heidi takes Mary upstairs to brief her. Meanwhile Smith has the remaining group at a table and plays stupid, asking where Jock is. Berkeley says he didn’t see anyone leave and Christiansen says he’ll look outside. Suddenly Colonel Weissner and soldiers barge into the bar and says that 4 or 5 deserters from the base killed two officers and are on their way here. He’s going to check everyone’s papers for validity*
Wizard: Someone ratted them out.
*Smith asks the group for suggestions. Schaffer says they have a better chance outside than inside. Smith agrees. Smith says “Gentleman, see you after the war.” Smith goes up to Weissner and says he and his team are the ones they’re looking for and they’ve come to surrender*
Warlock: This also means the real deserters just got away with it.
*Weissner says to take Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley away for questioning while Smith and Schaffer go with him. Von Hapen rings the cable car guy up at the castle who doesn’t answer. Finally the guy (Roy Beck) answers and when Von Hapen identifies himself, the guy rushes to get the car up to the castle*
Warlock: Throws his weight around.
*Weissner and three soldiers are crammed into a jeep. Smith gives the signal to Schaffer to do something. Schaffer pushes one of them out of the car as Smith wrestles with the guy next to him to shoot and kill the driver. The jeep crashes and Weissner flies through the windshield*
Warlock and Wizard: Hahahahahaha
*The other soldier is apparently dead. Schaffer retrieves the guy they pushed out originally, puts them all in the jeep and he and Smith push the jeep over a cliff where it crashes below and explodes*
Wizard: Blowed up real good.
*Von Hapen introduces Mary and Heidi to Lt. Kernitser (Olga Lowe). She runs the female staff at the castle and she escorts them away as Von Hapen goes through Kernitser’s files. Suddenly Kramer walks out and coldly asks if he found anything. Von Hapen says 5 deserters were caught at the bar and Kramer says that those were just the orders and those men were actually 5 British agents in disguise*
Warlock: Oh, my bad.
*Von Hapen is pissed he didn’t know about this. They yell back and forth at each other before Kramer storms out. Heidi and Mary gear up in Mary’s room before Heidi tells her good luck. Meanwhile Smith and Schaffer go back to the equipment shed where Smith calls Rolland on the radio. Smith says Jock is dead, three others are captured and he and Schaffer are going into the castle within the hour. Rolland radios back to pull out and save themselves. Smith says he must be joking and cuts transmission*
Warlock: Down 4 men and still tries to complete the mission.
*Turner shouts “Damn it!” Rolland says it was his idea and Germans have penetrated MI6. Turner asks where the Germans got their info since they handpicked every man for this mission. Rolland says the word security has become a bloody joke*
Wizard: There’s a big clue right there, there’s a rat in a high place.
*Warlock looks up at the ceiling*
*Schaffer sees Major Brant and a gaggle of soldiers descending on the shed. Schaffer and Smith gather what they need as Schaffer sets a trip wire bomb. Smith and Schaffer escape as Brant steps on the tripwire and the place goes KABOOM!*
Warlock: They just wiped out half of Kramer’s senior officers.
*The explosion causes a chain reaction of carnage in town. Soldiers scramble everywhere as Smith and Schaffer kill a few soldiers in order to steal a motorcycle. They drive off and Smith laughs*
Wizard: Having a jolly old time.
*Schaffer and Smith wire booby traps to trees and phone poles on their way to the castle base*
Wizard: Its for their escape route.
*Heidi exits a cable car by herself and gets checked out by a random soldier*
*Schaffer and Smith make it to a garage with a snowplow bus. He says to put their stuff in the bus and see if it works. It does*
Warlock: Would have been a short trip if it didn’t.
*Smith and Schaffer hide inside a building while Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley are taken off a nearby truck at the cab;e car station. Schaffer and Smith climb on the roof and on top of the car while the 3 others are loaded into it. The leader calls the cable car dude and says “Yes, Captain Mueller with 3 prisoners”
Wizard: My favorite line.
*The cable car makes its way to the Schloss Adler with Schaffer and Smith on top of it*
Warlock: Love how nobody sees them from the castle.
Wizard: Don’t look down.
*Mary enters a dark room up in the castle and prepares a rope*
Warlock: Smith really did have all his bases covered.
*Smith and Schaffer jump off the car and use their ice picks to land on the roof. Schaffer’s doesn’t work and he almost falls off. Smith reaches his hand out and pulls Schaffer to safety*
Warlock: That was close.
*Smith and Schaffer unload their gear under where the room Mary is in. Schaffer ties one of the bags to the end of the rope as Smith climbs into the room. He chats with Mary and she asks why doesn’t he help Schaffer. Smith says if he can climb up so can Schaffer. Schaffer finally makes it up and pants “You..wouldn’t..mind giving me a hand will ya?”
*Smith introduces Schaffer to Mary and pulls the equipment bag up. The trio packs for battle as Smith tells Mary to take the bombs and the rope to her room while they go spelunking. Smith says the first thing to do is cripple the helicopter so they cant fly Carnaby Jones out. Smith goes into the radio office and shoots the telephone guy dead. Smith finds the chopper pilot (Bill Sawyer) and says the Kommandant wants him on the phone. He enters the room and Schaffer kills him with a knife*
Wizard: Ooooh stabbed the bastard!
*Schaffer asks what to do now and Smith says its time to find Jones*
Warlock: Good idea.
*Jones is being held in a large dining room where Rosemeyer, Kramer and Kernitser are in various chairs. Jones claims to know nothing about the Second Front and Rosemeyer says he’s done all he can to hold off the high command and the gestapo. He asks one more time but Jones stones him*
Warlock: He looks like Shemp Howard.
*Kramer says Kernitser will make him talk before he gets a phone call. He says some very interesting company is on its way. Meanwhile hiding in the shadows Schaffer says they should make their move but Smith says to wait a minute. Meanwhile Mary packs all the bombs and her clothes before getting a knock on the door. Its Von Hapen who invites her out for a drink. She says she has to see Kernitser and he says she can wait. He wants to talk abut Dusseldorf because he went to school there and she’s supposedly from there*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Meanwhile the traitor turns out to be all three of the others, Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley and they share a drink with Kramer*
Warlock: All 3 of them?
Wizard: That’s very poor security.
*Kramer taunts Carnaby Jones and asks what the plan was next. Berkeley says they were supposed to get out through Switzerland and Kramer says that’ll be easy. Just take a dinghy out the canal and they’ll be in London in no time. Berkeley says there’s no way they’re going back with Smith and Schaffer still alive. Rosemeyer says its getting late and Kramer says its most unfortunate Jones won’t talk. Kernitser goes to pull out her drugs when Smith and Schaffer walk in. Smith says that will be a waste of drugs. Smith tells everyone to calm down and then points his gun at Schaffer, ordering him to drop his gun and sit down*
Warlock: Him too???
*Schaffer sits down and Smith calls him a second rate punk. Smith says the drugs won’t work because this isn’t Carnaby but Cartwright Jones. He says the drugs should be better used on Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley. Berkeley “Don’t listen to him general, its a bluff!” Smith “Keep quiet!”
*Smith introduces himself as “Major Johan Schmidt” working for the SS. Rosemeyer wants him to prove it and Smith says he will but wants Kramer to call in a guard so he doesn’t have to keep an eye on the others*
Warlock: Schaffer got screwed, his whole team are nazi’s.
Wizard: Just wait.
*Von Hapen is with Mary and she doesn’t know a god damn thing about Dusseldorf. Mary says she’s tired and has had a long day and Von Hapen says one more Schnapps and he’ll walk her back to her room*
Warlock: What a gentleman.
*Back in the dining hall, Smith says its time to reveal the plot. Schaffer is an American assassin brought in to kill Rosemeyer and Kramer and Jones mission was to provide false information about the second front and give MI6 an excuse to come get him. He then says the three others work for MI6. Christiansen “That’s a lie!” Kramer “Let him finish!”
Warlock: Yeah really.
*He says the real Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley were captured a month ago and these guys were secret agents penetrating the high command. Thomas “That’s another lie, you can’t prove any of this!” Smith says before he does he wants Carnaby Jones to give up the act. He fires a pistol round into Jones’ seat and that is enough for Jones to admit he’s really Cartwright Jones*
Warlock: No he’s really Shemp Howard.
*Smith says the mission was for these three to allow themselves to be captured and taken to Berlin where they can execute the high command while he was supposed to make his own way out through Switzerland. Rosemeyer wants proof and Smith says he’ll have it in 3 parts. The first part is if he’s not Johan Schmidt then why did he just give up Jones? The second part is if the others really are Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley then they would know the name of the top nazi secret agent in Whitehall. Smith says they should at least know the man in charge of the mission. Christiansen argues that they work through contact and that it wasn’t necessary or safe to know who gave the orders. Smith says while that may be true, he knows the man and they don’t. He jots down someone’s name and shows it to Kramer who confirms it*
Wizard: Remember this for later.
*Smith says the final portion of the proof is to call Major Wilhelm Wilner (Guy Deghy) the German chief of intelligence working in Italy. The next scene is some aide waking Wilner up to answer the phone. Wilner says to make Smith show his arm and see if there are two scars there. Smith shows his arm and there are. Wilner tells Kramer to ask how he got them. Smith says he was born with them. Wilner “That is right, tell him he’s a traitor.” Smith “Tell him he’s a renegade” Wilner “Hahaha yes, that is Schmidt no question about it.” Kramer thanks him and hangs up. Wilner “Give me the water!”
Wizard: Give me the wassah!
*Smith then says Thomas, Christiansen and Berekeley’s mission wasn’t just to penetrate MI6 but to start their own double agent chain of German double agents. Smith says if these men are who they claim to be, they can write down the names of all those agents. Christiansen pipes in and says he doesn’t doubt who Smith is but there’s been a mistake. Smith orders Kernitser to get some pencils and notebooks so we can find out who’s really telling the truth*
Warlock: I’m lost.
Wizard: You’ll get it soon.
*Von Hapen bids Mary goodnight and says they should do this again sometime*
Warlock: He seems pleasant enough to her.
Wizard: She’s a blonde, if she was Jewish he’d shoot her on sight.
*As soon as Mary shuts the door, creepy music hits and Von Hapen starts looking menacing*
Warlock: What’s that about?
Wizard: He smells a rat.
Warlock: I didn’t know they smelled that bat.
Wizard: Its an expression for he knows something is wrong. She was supposed to be from Dusseldorf and she doesn’t know a damn thing about it.
*Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley are writing their contacts down*
Warlock: There will be a test on this later.
*Smith collects the notebooks and throws them in front of Kramer. He goes through them with all eyes on him. Smith looks at Schaffer and nods toward the machine gun he dropped earlier. Kramer is finished and Smith says to check his out. Kramer opens it and there’s nothing in there. He knows he’s been had so he calls for the guard. Smith shoots him dead and Schaffer grabs the machine gun*
Warlock: Wait what?
Wizard: Shut up and listen.
*Schaffer “Second rate punk huh?” Smith “All I could think of on spur of the moment” Schaffer “Makes me feel worse”
*Smith gathers up the notebooks and Kramer asks if that’s all he wants, Smith says yes. Kramer says then the trio really are German agents and Smith says yes, they’ve been under suspicion as classified information was going out and useless information was coming in. It took several weeks but they couldn’t prove the trio were double agents and even if they did, what MI6 was really after was their contacts anyway. Roseyemer asks him about his own double agent status and Smith says the Schmidt alias is a real cover and he’s been feeding Wilner with false, useless and out of date information for years now. Smith wants to grab Jones and go but Von Hapen shows up, holds everyone at gunpoint and shouts “STAY WHERE YOU ARE!”*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Kramer stands and says thank god he’s here but Von Hapen screams “SIT DOWN COLONEL!*
Wizard: He doesn’t know which end is up.
*Von Hapen asks what’s going on and Smith says “Its very simple major, the lieutenant and myself have just uncovered a plot to assassinate Der Fuehrer.” Rosemeyer “THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS!” Von Hapen “GENERAL…..sit down”
Warlock and Wizard: Hahahahahaha.
*Smith says these people are all involved in a conspiracy to overthrow the Third Reich. In his pocket are all the names of everyone that’s in on it. Before he showed up, Smith and Schaffer had placed the entire party under arrest.” Kramer pipes in that the names are just German agents working in Britain. Smith says he doesn’t have to believe him but he can believe the names. Von Hapen asks Smith to bring them to him. Smith stands directly in front of Schaffer so he can pull a gun out. Mary makes it to the door and opens it. Schaffer says “Smith” and Smith ducks. Schaffer plugs Von Hapen right between the eyes. Kramer goes to call for help and Schaffer drills him in the back. Rosemeyer stands with a Luger and Schaffer tags him in the heart. Kernitser runs for it and Schaffer shoots her in the back as well. Smith kicks at the 3 traitors and makes them surrender. Smith tells Jones to tie them up and tells Mary to bring the supplies over to him*
Warlock: That was intense.
Wizard: Movie is far from over.
*Smith tells Schaffer to take them with us and Mary that she’s late then tells Schaffer that they need to create enough confusion in the next 15 minutes to get out of there alive. Schaffer “Right now you’ve got me about as confused as I’d ever hoped to be.”
Warlock: Yeah really.
*Smith says they need to make it to the radio room on the other side of the castle. Schaffer and Smith pull out bombs to rig as booby traps. Smith tells the trio if any of them utters a word he’ll kill them all and orders Jones to pick up Von Hapen’s gun and move them out. Everyone but Schaffer clears out as he rigs up the bombs*
Warlock: Why do I have a feeling they’re gonna blow the place?
Wizard: Not exactly.
*Smith plants a bomb in the library while Schaffer steals the dead guard’s gun and walks out of the dining hall*
Warlock: Should have stolen Rosemeyer and Kramer’s guns while he was at it.
*Two German soldiers nearly run into Smith’s team but he hides them just in time. Schaffer walks into the armory with a suitcase. He says hello, pulls a gun out of it and shoots both the desk clerk and the guard behind him*
*Schaffer tosses a bomb into the armory and leaves. They make it to the radio room and Schaffer very slowly walks up to him. The radio guy’s music stops and Schaffer causes the floor to creak. Radio guy turns around and sees the group and hits the alarm. Smith shoots him dead but its too late*
Wizard: Should have shot him a minute ago instead of stab him, now they’re in trouble.
*A gaggle of German shoulders make their way to the radio room as the German alarm goes off*
Warlock: That’s the same alarm from Dirty Dozen
Wizard: Good memory.
*Smith tries to radio Admiral Rolland and Colonel Turner as Schaffer prepares for the onslaught*
Wizard: Here comes a shootout.
*A shitload of troops walk to the radio room and Schaffer shoots half of them dead. We get a full minute shoot-out between Schaffer by himself against half a German regimen. A gattling gun is used but none of the shots hit Schaffer*
Wizard: One guy taking on a whole battalion.
*The bomb in the armory goes off and it distracts the gattling gunners long enough for Schaffer to reload and take them out. The bomb in the library goes off and the leader of the troops tells half the men with him to go find out what that was. Rolland finally answers*
Warlock: About time!
*Smith tells Rolland that the mission was a success and they’re on their way. Rolland “All sins forgiven” but a German shuts off radio communication*
Wizard: On their own now.
*Smith wants Thomas and Jones ushers him to Smith. They go to a window and Smith prepares a grappling hook. The german leader throws a german style grenade and Schaffer just tosses it back, wiping out a few soldiers*
Warlock: Nice delayed detonation there.
*Smith unties Thomas and tells him to climb out the window. Thomas starts climbig as two grenades are thrown. Schaffer hightails it out of there and they go off. The germans keep firing and tosses grenades as Schaffer rigs up another bomb. He tosses it out a window into a cannon below. The leader and the germans notice the rope moving leading out the window. The leader shouts out “CORPORAL!”
Warlock: Sounded like Koopa to me.
*The leader shoots Thomas and he falls to his death. Another bomb goes off as the leader tells everyone to get out of there*
Warlock: Smith sacrificed Thomas to get the soldiers off their backs.
Wizard: Hey you’re learning.
*The bomb goes off and the cannon starts firing and ammunition ignites. Random germans are hit with gunfire and real fire. The power inside the castle blows as well*
Warlock: There’s your confusion.
*Schaffer gets the rope and the group goes to leave but the Germans are on their way back. Smith’s crew races up the stairs and Schaffer stands there waiting. The germans stop when they notice him and Schaffer shoots them all dead*
Warlock: Take that you nazi scumbags.
*Smith’s crew runs past the Germans trying to put out a huge fire with mops*
*Smith’s crew are discovered outside the cable car room and Smith is shot in the hand. Schaffer deadbolts the door and they press on to the control room. They untie Christiansen and Berkeley and they all put winter jackets on*
Warlock: Where are they going.
Wizard: Rock climbing.
*Schaffer sets up the rope and the whole crew rappel down to the control room*
Warlock: Love this soundtrack.
*Another troop of soldiers enter the castle when another bomb goes off, one of them runs outside on fire and burns to death*
Warlock: Fried kraut, gotta love it.
*3 soldiers open the door to the dining hall and it blows*
Wizard: More dead nazis.
*Schaffer jumps in the control room to barricade the door and rig up a cable car. Smith orders Berkeley and Christiansen down next. Barkeley falls and pretends to be hurt. Schaffer checks on him and Christiansen jumps on him. Berkeley knocks Schaffer out and steals his gun. Smith calls out for Schaffer and Christiansen says they have him. He says he’ll make a deal with Smith, let them leave in the car and they won’t kill Schaffer. Smith grabs a bomb out of the bag and says sure. Berkeley and Christiansen enter the car and it descends. Smith grabs his ice pick, the bomb and jumps on top of it*
*Christiansen notices Smith on top and shoots at him until he runs out of ammo. He tells Berkeley to get up there and get him*
Warlock: Wouldnt they be better off waiting until they got to the bottom, surely there are German soldiers that would notice Smith and shoot him right?
Wizard: They don’t know if he’s armed or not.
*Both Berkeley and Christiansen attempt to climb up and get him. Christiansen goes for the legs while Berkeley goes for the front. Christiansen gets kicked in the face and blood splatters everywhere*
Wizard: Ooooh that was a good one.
*Smith grabs Berkeley’s arm and buries the pick in it. Berkeley screams and slumps back inside the car*
Warlock: Ooooh even better.
*Smith manages to kick Christiansen over the edge and he holds on to Smith’s legs for dear life. He begs for mercy and for Berkeley to help but he’s out of reach, Smith wraps the pick around the top of the car for support to hang on as Christian slips further until hes holding on to just Smith’s foot*
Warlock: That’s a good way to lose a shoe in the middle of an Austrian winter.
*Christiansen falls to his death*
Wizard: Say goodnight Dick!
*Smith rigs the bomb he brought on top of the car and waits for the passing car to come by. He jumps 30 feet onto the other car going back toward the castle*
Warlock: We’re supposed to believe he just jumped 30 feet and landed dead center?
Wizard: Its only a movie.
*The bombs blows, taking out the car and Berkeley with it*
Warlock: That’s it for the traitors.
Wizard: Less baggage now.
*Schaffer wakes up and asks where Smith is. Mary tells him he’s on the cable car while the Germans try to bash their way into the control room. Smith makes it back and he, Mary, Schaffer and Jones pile in to the remaining car as the Germans make it to the inner door. They descend in the car as a troop gets ready to greet them at the bottom*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Smith has the cable car rigged to go off as meanwhile Heidi makes it to the bus from earlier with guns and ammo*
Warlock: The escape route.
*Smith, Jones, Schaffer and Mary all jump out of the car into the water below as the Germans open fire. The car blows and the crew swims to safety*
Wizard: They just jumped into freezing cold water in the dead of winter and they’re moving like nothing is wrong.
Warlock: Like you said, its only a movie.
*The plane from the beginning of the movie makes its away to the base with Colonel Turner in it*
Warlock: Why would he be there personally?
Wizard: You’ll see.
*Smith, Jones, Schaffer, Heidi and Mary make it to the bus. Smith is driving with Schaffer and Mary in the back with machine guns*
Warlock: You’d think it would be Jones and not Mary.
Wizard: Remember he’s just an actor, Mary is the agent.
*Mary and Schaffer shoot every nazi in sight with perfect accuracy and none of them even hit the bus*
Warlock and Wizard: Its only a movie.
*The bus drives past and triggers the bombs Schaffer and Smith set earlier to slow down the Germans following them. Meanwhile the Leader from earlier that killed Thomas calls the Kommandant at the airfield*
Warlock: This guy’s smart, he knows they’re gonna try to make it out by airplane.
*The bombs blow the phone poles before Leader can tell the airfield they’re coming. A tree blows and stops the convoy. A small 2 man jeep makes it through. Smith parks the bus just over a bridge and he and Schaffer rig it. The Germans have blown up the tree and the convoy makes its way through*
Wizard: Better hurry.
*Mary spots the jeep and opens fire. Naturally she takes out both the driver and the passenger with ease. Smith runs to the bus as Schaffer rigs the rest of the bombs. He opens fire and much larger jeep tumbles into the water. Schaffer makes it to the bus just in time as the bridge blows and stops the convoy*
Warlock: That takes care of the Schloss Adler boys. Now they just have to make it to the plane.
*The bus parks and waits for the plane to arrive*
Warlock: That would suck if it gets shot down.
*The pilot calls the airfield and pretends to have engine trouble to get the airfield to permit them to land. The control guy (Ernst Walder) says they can land.*
Warlock: Imagine if he said no?
*The plane lands and Smith crashes the bus through the fence. Once again Mary and Schaffer wipe out every soldier in sight and none of them hit the bus. Control guy hits the alarm as the bus crashes through all the planes*
Wizard: So they can’t follow them.
*Control guy tries to call other planes for help but Mary and Schaffer shoot him dead*
*Smith parks the bus in front of the plane. Jones, Mary, Heidi and Schaffer run for it while Smith stays behind to shoot a jeep with four guys in it by himself. The jeep blows*
Warlock: This is getting ridiculous.
*Smith makes it into the plane and a gaggle of German troops show up to shoot the plane as it takes off. The pilot’s window is nicked and he barely flinches*
Warlock: Look where the holes are, that should have taken him out.
*The plane flies away to safety*
Warlock: Shouldn’t that be the end?
Wizard: Nope, one last little twist to go.
*Turner looks at the notebooks and rhetorically asks them that Berkeley is the traitor. Smith says Thomas and Christiansen as well. Turner says that’s incredible. Smith says not as incredible as the one name not in their notebooks. He says he has it in his own notebook and he’s the top German agent in Britain, Colonel Kramer confirmed it.*
Wizard: Remember that from earlier? Not even those three schmoes knew who the boss was.
*He hands the notebook to Turner and its Turner himself. Smith tells him not to look shocked and that he should have suspected it, after all he was there to meet them. Turner points his gun at Smith and tells him to go on*
*Smith finally gives away the whole reason for the movie. Rolland suspected Turner and the others for some time. Rolland brought Mary and Smith back from Italy because they were the only ones he could trust for this mission. Rolland asked Turner to handpick the team and Turner chose Smith to lead it thinking he was Johan Schmidt. Rolland knew that was just his cover. Turner says he’s just guessing, Smith says him pointing the gun is evidence enough. Smith says Mary was brought in without Turner’s knowledge to get him into the castle. Schaffer being an American had no contact with MI6 which meant he was the only member of the group he could trust. He wasn’t so sure about Harrod and McPherson until they were killed. Turner says its fascinating and goes to talk but Smith cuts him off and says he’s finished. Turner says Smith is overlooking something and Smith says he’s not. He rhetorically asks if Rolland brought Turner to the airfield and gave him the gun himself. Smith mentions the firing pin has been removed. Turner pulls the trigger and nothing happens*
Wizard: Game, set, match.
*Schaffer grabs his gun and Smith says “Not so hasty lieutennant , we musn’t cheat the hangman.” Turner “What now?” Smith “You’ll be tried for treason.” Turner says a public trial would be damaging and painful to MI6, Smith counters by saying not as painful as a long drop at the end of a rope. Turner says he has no cards left to play and asks if he has another option. Smith says if he wants it. Turner thanks him and gets up. Smith stops him “I’ll…have those books.” Turner smiles and hands them over*
Warlock: Can’t get anything by Smith.
*Turner goes to the door, opens it and looks at Smith. Smith looks glum as the camera pans to an empty doorway*
Warlock: He jumped?
Wizard: So he wouldn’t have to stand trial.
*Schaffer closes the door and asks if that’s it. Smith says yes. Schaffer says the next time there’s another mission to keep it strictly British. Smith “I’ll try.” Smith sits back and Mary tends to his hand. End credits*
Wizard: That’s it.
2017 Warlock’s Assessment: 10 out of 10….one of my favorite movies of all time. You had to be smart to follow the whole story, it had action, it had drama. It had suspense and better yet you had nazi’s getting whacked left and right. You can’t go wrong with that.
Final Grade: 10 out of 10, one of the best of all time.
*We cut back to Lacy Lou’s studio where Warlock is kicking back smiling*
W: Yep, one of the best. Can’t go wrong with that one.
Lacy: Yes that’s nice but there’s one problem.
W: What’s that?
Lacy: Well this is Indy HORROR Rising and while The Coroner certainly qualifies, I don’t think a British World War 2 movie qualifies for horror much less indy horror.
W: Oh yeah, sorry about that.
Lacy: Well I’d like to thank you for wasting all of our time here.
W: It was my pleasure.
Lacy: Wonderful…..have a pleasant evening.