*The Warlock and The Grand Wizard are at the Grand Wizard’s Palace. Wizard is on his throne and Warlock is already in the middle of the couch*
W: Welcome to a special night at Warlock’s Movie Realm. One of my favorite pastimes as a child was watching R rated movies on the ppv channel with my father. Anything that came out between 1994-96 we watched. From Dusk Till Dawn, Desperado, Lord of Illusions, hell even Showgirls.
Wizard: What? I didn’t watch that with you.
W: Ok maybe not THAT one but definitely tonight’s movie. Way back in 1995 came a little action movie starring Christopher Lambert.
Wi: THE HUNTED?
W: Yes, that’s exactly what we’re watching.
Wi: Cut up the seats and the people?
W: Yup. For those that don’t know, THE HUNTED was about Christopher Lambert being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He meets a girl at the bar who’s been marked for death by modern day ninjas. He’s attacked but survives and must help a martial arts master find and defeat the assassins. Now will the movie be as epic as I remember or will it not have aged well? Let’s find out. Grab your popcorn, grab your drink and grab your woman because its time for THE HUNTED.
W: “An American businessman visiting Nagoya, Japan, meets a woman in a hotel bar. Returning to her room, 3 ninjas kill her and wound him, but he sees the ninja boss’ face. Now, he’s the prime target of a dangerous ninja cult.”
Wi: Cut up the seats and the people.
The Grand Wizard has no assessment
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it an 8 out of 10 – it was just as funny, bloody and fun as I remembered it as a child.
Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Brilliant
*Warlock rises from the couch*
W: Well that was THE HUNTED, let me shut that off. That was a lot of fun and just as I remembered. It was a bloody, gritty story that was enjoyable from start to finish. The whole Samurai vs Ninja storyline worked well and it showed how Takeda wasn’t the hero, just bloodthirsty to restore family honor by eliminating the Makato no matter what the cost. Takeda basically lured the Makato on the train to slaughter them despite the innocents dying and then invited them to his island to finish them off once and for all, again at the expense of his students. The real hero was Paul which was played brilliantly by Lambert. He wasn’t Highlander and he wasn’t Lord Raiden either. The final fight of Paul against Kinjo was a little laughable by having the Ninja beat the Samurai only to lose to the gaijin, but at least they had Kinjo with one arm and one leg by that point. They didn’t have Paul train for 3 weeks and then defeat the greatest swordsman on the planet straight up. Not only that, they made Kinjo out to be human. He was tortured by killing Kirina and even beat the fuck out of the guy who hired him to do it. Still, the acting was good, it was messy, it was gritty and it had a good mixture of humor and old school Japanese culture. I give it an 8 out of 10 and I highly recommend it. That about wraps up another edition of Warlock’s Movie Realm. Now leave me alone before I whoop ya damn ass.
*The Warlock is in The Base wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans white sneakers, gargoyle shades and a Sub-Zero mask. He’s holding a bottle of Dr. Pepper*
W: Welcome to The Base for this edition of Warlock’s Movie Realm. I’m The Warlock and with me for the first time in a year is Mr. America.
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots, aviator shades and a cammo mask*
A: Long time no see.
W: In our effort to “social distance” we decided to do this movie while wearing masks so the infidels don’t complain.
A: Yeah yeah, “we’re all in this together” and shit.
W: The next person who says that from me is gonna get a fireball to the face.
A: Or a bullet between the eyes.
W: Speaking of which, tonight’s movie is a special tribute to one of the best toy and tv show lines in American history, GI JOE!
A: GOOOOO JOE!
W: Exactly. In 2009, a full length GI Joe film hit the theaters called GI JOE: RISE OF THE COBRA. It stars Dennis Quaid, Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans. Now when this first came out, we thought it was good. Does it still hold up 12 years later?
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
A: It should.
W: So grab your popcorn, grab your drink and grab your woman because its time for GI JOE: RISE OF THE COBRA.
Written by Stuart Beattie, David Elliot, Paul Lovett, Michael B Gordon and Stephen Sommers
W: “An elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. Joe, operating out of The Pit, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer.”
*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, Death Row Records t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a gold stein of Dr. Pepper*
W: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock*
*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and walks inside*
W: Tonight I’m going back to that yard sale box and see what’s in there. Let’s see what we can find.
*Warlock rummages through the box on the kitchen table until he pulls out a blu-ray*
W: Huh? A blu-ray? What’s this?
*Warlock looks at it and goes bug eyed*
W: No way…..no way! Sorry folks, be back later.
*Warlock turns the camera off and turns it back on when we’re inside The Grand Wizard’s Castle*
W: Sorry folks, I couldn’t do this movie alone once I pulled it out. You’re not going to believe this but I pulled out 300. Yes, the Gerard Butler movie from 2006. My father is here and we’re going to be in for a treat.
*The Grand Wizard is on his throne and Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
W: Now I’ve never actually seen 300 so I’m going into it blind. I’ve heard nothing but good things about it and I hope this is going to be good. So grab your popcorn, grab your drink and grab your woman because its time for 300.
Written by Frank Miller, Lynn Varley, Michael B Gordon, Kurt Johnstad, Zack Snyder
Wi: “King Leonidas of Sparta and a force of 300 men fight the Persians at Thermopylae in 480 B.C.”
W: So this was based off something that might actually have happened?
The Grand Wizard has no assessment
The Warlock’s Assessment: That was pretty damn good. I know its been parodied a lot but at least its not as cheesy as the parodies makes it out to be. I give it a 7.5 out of 10 and recommend it.
Final Grade: 7.5 out of 10 – Great
*Warlock rises from the couch*
W: Well that was 300 and that was damn good. Frank Miller knows how to write damn good graphic novels turned movies and this is no different. Robocop 2, Sin City and now 300 can be added to the list of good movies. Its not an all time epic but its definitely worth watching at least once. I can definitely recommend it and buy it, rent it, download it if you can. The acting, writing and cinematography were great. That about wraps up another edition of Warlock’s Movie Realm, now leave me alone before I whoop ya damn ass.
*The Warlock is on a Skype call with Mr. America in his lair*
A: You want to put the band back together?
W: Yes, its been a year now. People are starting to get vaccinated.
A: Still, doesn’t mean we can’t get infected.
W: Agreed, but its hope that things can return to normal. Want me to drop by soon?
A: Sure, its been too long. What did you have in mind?
*Warlock looks over and spots two blu rays on his shelf*
W: Something you’ll like for once.
A: Lucky me, see you soon.
*America ends the chat and Warlock spins around*
W: Welcome to my lair for another edition of IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE here at Warlock’s Movie Realm. Tonight’s movie is a throwaway of sorts. Robert Armstrong’s most well known role was King Kong in 1933 and we last saw him on this series in Three Legionnaires. Tonight we go all the way back to 1929 to see Robert in BIG NEWS. What’s it about? Not a damned clue. All I know is its 66 minutes long so once again, if it sucks, at least its short. So will this be a surprise or will it suck like some of the other movies I’ve seen this month? Grab your popcorn, grab your drink and grab your woman because its time for BIG NEWS.
Written by Frank Reicher, Walter DeLeon, Jack Jungmeyer and George S Brooks
Directed by Gregory La Cava
Cast:
Robert Armstrong … Steve Banks Carole Lombard … Margaret Banks (as Carol Lombard) Louis Payne … Hensel Wade Boteler … O’Neill Charles Sellon … J.W. Addison Sam Hardy … Joe Reno Tom Kennedy … Officer Ryan Warner Richmond … Phelps – District Attorney’s Man Helen Ainsworth … Vera – Society Editor (as Cupid Ainsworth) Herbert Clark … Pells Gertrude Sutton … Helen James Donlan … Deke George ‘Gabby’ Hayes … Hoffman – Reporter (as George Hayes) Vernon Steele … Reporter Clarence Wilson … Coroner Fred Behrle … Elevator Man Colin Chase … Birn Robert Dudley … Telegraph Editor Gary Leon … Rookie Cop (as Leon Garfield) Lew Ayres … Copyboy (uncredited) Lynton Brent … Reporter (uncredited) Richard Cramer … Hood (uncredited) Harry Semels … Reno Henchman (uncredited)
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
W: “A reporter’s marriage is jeopardized by his drinking and he finds himself accused of a murder he didn’t commit.”
W: That is Big News.
*Opening credits*
W: I know the movie is 90 years old now, but good lord this video quality is dogshit.
*A janitor is sweeping up as Hensel asks where everyone is. Steve Banks is asleep in a chair in Addison’s office. Hensel says this is Mr. Addison’s office and to get out. Banks says if he doesn’t get a pillow and a blanket in this office, he quits. Banks is drunk off his ass and staggers out of the Addison office. Hensel tells him he’ll have him fired for this. Frank was at the office first as Steve tells the elevator operator to get some hooch for him. Steve wakes up and O’Neill has a newspaper article written by Steve’s wife Margaret. O’Neill says why wasn’t he at the crime scene and Steve says he went to Joe Reno’s Speakeasy and Steve has a feeling Joe is in on a narcotics racket. Steve says the DA may know something. Hensel calls Joe and Joe says he’s going to pull advertising out of the newspaper because Joe says Steve got drunk and disorderly at his bar last night. Hensel says he’ll fire Steve immediately. Meanwhile Steve calls the DA and accuses him of letting Joe Reno off the hook*
W: He’s basically the same character as Cary Grant in His Girl Friday just with booze.
*Hensel tries to fire Steve but O’Neil says he’s the boss and he says no. O’Neil says to Hensel to get out and stay out and Steve says the cockroach exterminator missed him. Vera walks in and Steve says she’s too big for a cab while Vera laughs at him that Steve’s wife is waiting for him. Steve walks out and Margaret says to have a little talk. Margaret asks where he was the previous night and Steve bullshits her but he says he was working. He’s sure there’s a narcotics ring going on but she says that’s his imagination. Margaret guilt trips him about not coming home the night before and Steve says he’ll go get Hoffman to confirm. Margaret says she’s put up with this for two years and she’s through. She asks for a divorce and Mr. Addison walks in saying they see too much of each other*
W: Too much?
*Addison barks orders to O’Neill and reads Margaret’s story. He yells for Ms. Wilson and yells orders to everyone. Margaret and Steve outside go over divorce terms and Margaret says he’d be the best newspaper man in the country if he wasn’t a drinker. Steve says he’ll be by later to get his stuff and tells her so long. Ms. Wilson walks outside and tells him Hensel is with Addison and to go see him. Steve asks Vera for love advice and she laughs at him. Steve calls Hensel a tattletale and Addison says he’s gonna freeze to death in his own office*
W: Are we gonna get a point to this soon?
*Addison asks where Steve was last night and Addison then goes over what he did the night before. Addison and Steve yell at each other and Steve calls him a wrinkled old squash. Steve says he’ll give him a story and Addison throws him out. Steve calls him an old buzzard and Addison says he’s fired. Officer Ryan walks in and says he wants his name spelled right in the paper and he says it would take a lot of torpedos to sink Vera*
W: Gotta love fat jokes in 1929.
*Ryan looks at Steve and says “Some day it’ll be just too bad.” Steve says he quit to make more room for Vera. Steve says “goodbye my buttercup, hope ya miss me.” Steve says goodbye and everyone at the office says bye. Deke walks in drunk off his ass and says he slept under a statue*
W: Who the hell is this guy?
*Steve says Addison is a dried up alligator and he knows he can’t quit. Steve says he’s sore because he had Reno exposed. We cut to Reno’s bar and his hoods ask what Reno’s gonna do about Banks. Reno says he had him fired and his friends say they’re all in this, not just Joe. Joe tells his men to back off, he’ll handle it. Reno leaves and Steve & Deke walk in. Deke rants and raves as the hoods insult Steve and Deke. Steve says he’s an ex-newspaper man and the men still insult him. Steve says thugs these days have no class selling dope to kids. Deke says its a shame to hang so many innocent murderers, rat traps would be better. Steve says two thugs were arrested and thrown into a room with a skunk and luckily the skunk died*
W: Gotta love the back and forth insults.
*Steve tells Reno their war is over and he’s been fired. Reno tells Pete The Bartender the next round is on him. Steve said he knew too much and was affecting advertising. Joe says he should advertise for him. Steve pulls out his pocket knife and says in a few more days he would have had Reno cold. Joe plays dumb but Steve says he has Rose’s confession on Addison’s desk. Steve says he’s leaving down and has one more drink with Reno and says he’ll send him a postcard from China. Deke can’t even walk but Steve forgets his knife behind. After Steve and Deke leave, Reno says he was just bluffing about the confession. Outside Steve says his bluff may have worked*
W: He just said it DIDN’T work.
*Joe’s men ask what if Rose actually made a statement or gets out of jail. Joe gets a phone call from the DA saying Rose is free. Joe tells his men to round up Steve and take care of Rose, he’s going to go see Addison. Back at the newsroom Vera is laughing at a funny headline*
W: Look at that hat.
*Addison asks if Vera still works here and yells at her then yells at Miss Wilson too. Addison yells at Hensel when he wants someone to meet him. Addison then yells at O’Neill for trying to get Steve back. Hensel goes back to his office and lies to Joe that Addison wants to see him. Joe wants to meet Addison now and Hensel asks what he wants for advertising. Joe says he wants a full page on Saturday*
W: He looked like he was gonna kill that guy.
*Margie walks into the newsroom and O’Neill says hi. Margie is looking for Steve and O’Neill says he quit. Hensel gets a phone call but loses it. Hensel leaves to use another phone and Joe waits for him. A newsboy leaves something on Hensel’s desk and we cut back to Margie and O’Neill. He calls her a glutton for punishment and she asks where to find him. Steve runs in all beat up with his face a mess and says hi to Steve. Steve barges into Addison’s office and yells at him with Joe listening in. Steve has a confession from Rose Peretti and Addison realizes its legit*
W: To save time, they didn’t show him getting beat up. They couldn’t have added 30 seconds to show it?
*Addison says they’ll print it immediately but Steve says he’s been fired so he’ll sell the story to someone else. Addison says he’ll give him a ten dollar raise and Steve says 25. Addison says he surrenders and Steve is the best and to get a clean shirt because he looks like a bum. Addison says if he comes back drunk, he’s fired. Steve leaves and Joe pulls a gun out of his coat pocket. In the newsroom Margie and O’Neill ask if the fighting is over*
W: If anyone fall out of the office, you’ll know.
*O’Neill says Steve will be alright when he gets it out of his system. O’Neill says Steve and Addison fight all the time and its nothing new. Meanwhile Hensel comes back to his office and says it was a crank call. Joe says Steve did it because he just saw Steve coming out of the office. Joe says Steve threatened him and Mr. Addison. Hensel says he’ll take care of it but Joe says don’t worry about it. Officer Ryan barges in the newsroom and says someone threw a knife out the window and hit him in the head. Margie says its Steve’s knife and Ryan says Margie is about to be a widow. Ms. Wilson goes into Addison’s office and screams. She faints and everyone rushes in. After everyone clears out, Ryan declares Addison dead*
W: What? Joe was in the other office and Steve had already left….who the hell did that?
*Margie cries in the corner and Ryan whistles for backup*
W: No walkie talkies in those days, they called for backup using whistles.
*Ryan says the crime scene is no place for Margie as O’Neill says they have a newspaper to get out and get to work on the story. Hensel spots a gas tube cut. Ryan and Hensel says this was no accident and Ryan says that’s where the knife came from. Margie shouts that Steve didn’t do it as Ryan calls the police to arrest Steve on sight for murder*
W: But if he didn’t do it, who did? Joe didn’t have enough time unless they edited this badly.
*Ryan tells the officers that nobody goes in or out. Joe says he doesn’t want any part of this and Hensel tells him to go. Joe runs into a cop who says nobody leaves. He says its just a formality as Steve is thrown into the newsroom by an officer*
W: There he is.
*Steve says he can’t even get a haircut without being roused by police. Ryan brings Steve in to see Addison’s body and Steve says he didn’t do it. Everyone thinks Steve did it and he says it doesn’t look good for him. Steve wants to talk to Ryan alone as Phelps from the DA’s office shows up. He says he got a phone call from Addison just before he died and wants to talk to Ms. Wilson. Hensel says he has a very important gentleman in his office when the Coroner walks in. Ryan and Steve walk out and Phelps says he’s a material witness. Ryan says he’s detained and Steve knows it. Phelps says nobody goes in or out*
W: We already know that.
*Margie cries to help him and Steve doesn’t buy it saying she’s through with him. She apologizes as Phelps starts reading Steve his rights*
W: Ryan just said he hasn’t even been arrested yet, the hell is he reading him his rights for?
*Steve asks who went into the office after he left and Hensel says Steve was the only one in there and he has a witness to prove it. Everyone looks confused and Hensel goes to get Joe. Phelps asks if Steve wants to make a statement and Phelps brings up a cockamamie story of how Steve did it. Margie then lies saying she cut the tube to kill Addison, SHE did it*
W: What?
*Margie continues to lie when the Coroner walks in saying Addison didn’t die of the gas leak, somebody hit him over the head with a trophy. Phelps realizes Margie’s story is baloney and says dust it for fingerprints. Hensel brings Joe in as the witness and Steve says “That’s all I wanted to know.” Phelps walks up to Steve and Steve says he’s making a statement in his own way. Steve starts typing out a story on his typewriter while chirping at Joe as he gives Steve’s drunken history. Joe says he heard Steve arguing with Addison, saw him throw something out the window and leave. Margie asks if Hensel was in the office and Phelps tell her to keep quiet….and asks Hensel if he was there*
W: Nice set up.
*Steve asks if Hensel got a call to lure him out of the office and before Hensel can answer, Steve says Joe usually pulls that gag. Hensel says he did get a call and Steve says “Yeah, while you were out of the office, Joe slipped in there and murdered the man in cold blood”
W: Busted.
*Joe asks if he can go now and Phelps says sure. Steve says don’t let him go or he’ll run to Siberia*
W: First he’d have to run around the English Channel.
*Ryan tells Joe to stick around but Phelps says he’s in charge so Joe can leave. Ryan and Phelps insult each other and Hensel says to arrest Steve immediately. Steve emerges from the typewriter and says he’s ready to make his statement. Steve hands his story to O’Neill and says to print it immediately or else the old man would never forgive him*
W: Run!
*Steve says he had Joe cold because he had Rose Peretti’s confession. Joe murdered Addison to get the confession and Hensel says he’s lying. Phelps asks where’s his evidence and Steve says it was in Addison’s desk and Joe probably got to it first. An officer walks in and says Rose Peretti was found dead an hour ago*
W: There goes the evidence.
*Steve says Joe is smarter than he thought and Phelps asks who Rose is. Steve says she was a dope buyer and Phelps says this shouldn’t have been kept from the DA and Ryan counters by saying he tried to tell him but he wouldn’t listen. Phelps asks Joe if he knew Rose and Joe says his character speaks for itself. Steve says he’s got a record of the phone call from Addison’s office to the DA’s office and Joe might like to hear what’s on it. Steve hands it to Phelps and Joe knocks the record out of Phelps hand where it smashes on the floor. Joe mock apologizes for that*
W: Right in front of the cop too.
*Steve says he thought Joe would do that and pulls out another record saying THIS is the real record, the other was blank*
W: Ha, FOOLED YOU!
*Phelps asks what’s going on as Steve says to get him a loudspeaker. Steve plays the record where it shows Steve leaving and the call cutting out. Joe smiles and says that tells them nothing. Steve says he didn’t play it all and the call resumes with Joe’s voice telling Addison to give him the confession and Addison telling him to leave. Joe is on record killing Addison and he smiles saying its not his voice. He pulls his gun and says they’re not gonna frame him*
W: HIT THE DECK!
*Someone says he’ll never make it out of there and Joe says maybe not but he’s gonna get Steve first. He raises the gun but an officer jumps him from behind and knocks it out of his hand. The officers arrest Joe and Margie asks if Steve’s hurt. Steve “Do you see any holes?”
W: Hahahahah
*Ryan tells the cops to get rid of Joe and Steve says he’ll see him at the electric chair. They say goodbye to each other and Phelps apologizes for accusing him. Ryan tells Phelps it was good practice and O’Neill tells everyone to get to work. Vera says to stop digging up new facts because she hasn’t had lunch yet and Steve says he’ll get her a bale of hay*
W: Ha…ha…ha
*Margie calls City Desk and tells the story. Ryan wants Steve to spell his name right or he’ll make him eat the extra letters. Hensel apologizes to Steve and asks what he can do to help. Steve says to put his raise through before he loses it. Margie says Steve must be exhausted and Steve says he’ll have a shot. Steve pours himself a drink out of his flask and Margie asks if its necessary. Steve says have a belt and she says its tea. Deke stumbles in and mumbles and Margie invites him over for dinner. Steve puts the drink down and tells him to get lost. Deke sings as he leaves and we cut to THE END before Steve can take a drink*
W: We hope you’ve enjoyed No Moral Theater.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5 out of 10. It felt like an hour long episode of a crime show rather than a movie. The jokes were pretty funny for 1929 standards and Robert Armstrong does his best to carry every scene he’s in. It wasn’t good but it wasn’t bad either.
Final Grade – 5 out of 10 – Average
*Warlock rises from the couch*
W: Well that was BIG NEWS…let me shut that off. Like I said before, it was like an hour long crime show out of Dragnet although this was 1929. News room movies are always mayhem whether its His Girl Friday, The Paper or this one and this was no different. In this case, the very short length is what caused it to be mayhem and fast paced. If it was just 10 minutes longer they could have shown Steve getting mugged or Rose getting whacked (if they bothered to hire an actress for that). Still, the movie served its purpose as a fun way to kill 66 minutes. The acting was solid but not spectacular and it was filmed in 1929, no sense bitching about audio or visual quality. All in all its worth a look on Youtube but don’t bother buying it. That about wraps up another edition of Warlock’s Movie Realm, now leave me alone before I whoop ya damn ass!
*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a Wild & Crazy Kids t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a bottle of water*
W: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and walks inside*
W: Tonight I pick yet another movie out of the yard sale box so let’s see what we can see.
*Warlock blocks his eyes and reaches into the box on the kitchen table. He pulls out a blu ray*
W: The hell is this?
*Warlock looks at the cover*
W: I have no idea what this is.
*the camera cuts and we cut back to Warlock on the middle of the couch*
W: Okay, so tonight’s movie I pulled out of the box is called AS ABOVE, SO BELOW. According to my half assed research, it came out in 2014 and its a horror movie shot in the catacombs of Paris underneath the city. The movie only had a budget of 5 million because they didn’t use props or sets as it was ACTUALLY set in the undergrounds of Paris, France. Apparently a group of people are trapped and the only way out is to go further down. I have no idea if its going to be good or not but there’s only one way to find out. So grab your popcorn, grab your drink and grab your woman because its time for AS ABOVE, SO BELOW.
W: “When a team of explorers ventures into the catacombs that lie beneath the streets of Paris, they uncover the dark secret that lies within this city of the dead.”
W: Ah lovely, claustrophobics’ worst nightmare.
*Movie opens with first person view of a woman in Iran saying she’s looking for a critical piece of history that’s going to be destroyed. If she doesn’t make it alive, she was there on her own free will. She says the penalty for trespassing is to buried up to your neck and have a big wall pushed on top of you. “But they’d have to catch me first”
W: Catch me if you can.
*Scarlett is the woman’s name and Reza is her contact. Reza says they better not catch her and they move furniture to reveal a whole in the wall. Reza and Scarlett run down a cavern*
W:The problem with found footage films is you can’t see shit when there’s movement.
*Reza and Scarlett hide as the Iranian soldiers patrol the area. Reza says they have to go but Scarlett says they’re not leaving. Scarlett and Reza find a wall with engravings on it. She reads them then pounds a hole in the wall with a chisel. The “Rose Key” is in the wall, a giant statue with markings on it. Scarlett says she can’t leave now because her father searched his entire life for this. After she records all the markings with her camera, she runs for it. She hears a voice and turns around to see a man hanging and the place explodes. She runs for it and barely makes it out alive with the help of Reza*
W: Well that was at least interesting.
*Reza says she reminds him so much of her father. “His quest was a path to madness. Everyone who hunts for Flamel’s Stone is crazy. They all wind up dead”
W: Nicholas Flamel.
*Opening credit is shown as Scarlett introduces herself on camera to Benji documentary style. She’s a college professor with a black belt*
W: She’s a modern day Indiana Jones.
*Benji and Scarlett chase off some guy who wanders into the shot*
W: Poor guy.
*Benji asks about the Philosopher’s Stone that Nicholas Flamel created*
W: Remember Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone? Well Flamel was a real person and the legend of the stone has been brought up in numerous media.
*Benji and Scarlett finds Flamel’s old house in Paris. Scarlett says his body and his wife’s were missing from their graves. They visit Flamel’s tombstone and say the Rose Key can translate markings but she can’t do it, she needs help. They break into a church where George is already there fixing a clock*
W: The actor is legit claustrophobic so this role must have sucked for him.
*George doesn’t want to go on any trip until Scarlett says she found the Rose Key in Iran. She needs his help translating the Aramaic and he calls her a lunatic. George gets the clock fixed and the trio leave. They go outside as the bell starts ringing. George says its the first time the church bells have rung in 284 years*
W: That’s kinda cool I guess.
*George says he’ll help translate but that’s it, no exploring. George, Benji and Scarlett translate the tombstone but Scarlett realizes the next glyphs are on the back of the tombstone. She pulls down the tombstone with the help of George and Benji*
W: Now we’re going National Treasure here.
*Scarlett uses the National Treasure trick along with lighting it on fire to reveal the final glyph*
W: Indiana Jones meets National Treasure.
*George translates that the Stone is buried halfway between Paris and the gates of hell. Alchemists believed the number of the devil was 714*
W: I thought it was 666.
*Scarlett rationalizes that if hell is 714 feet below the earth then the Stone is buried 370 feet below Flamel’s tombstone. Benji asks how that’s possible and Scarlett says the catacombs 200 miles below Paris. Apparently 6 million people are buried in those catacombs. Scarlett says the catacombs don’t go through the grave and they have to burrow through. George says the walls have been reinforced so they can’t get through. George then realizes in the 1770’s there were a series of street collapses that were never explained. George says they have to find the hidden passage in one of the collapses underneath Flamel’s tombstone. George says he’s not going*
W: He’ll go.
*The trio take a tour of the catacombs with a tour guide. Scarlett translates a lot of the French signs on the walls. There’s crosses made out of skulls and the tour guide explains that in the late 1790’s, residents complained the cemetery was overcrowded and stinking up the city. They decided to toss 6 million bodies into the catacombs to make this the largest crypt in the world. Scarlett finds the spot they have to go through. Some dude from behind tells them to go find Papillon at Le Showcase club and he’ll lead them into the catacombs. The tour guide tells them not to stray and when they look back, the dude is gone*
W: Creepy.
*George, Benji and Scarlett head to Le Showcase and some girl that looks half dead stares a hole at Benji. French house music plays as the trio find Papillon and his crew. Papillon asks if its a joke that they’re looking for the Stone but Scarlett says they have the Rose Key. Papillon asks what’s in it for him and she says there’s treasure down there. Papillon says he wants half the treasure and Scarlett says he can have it all, just get them down there. Papillon says he’ll take them and the next day we cut to Papillon’s van*
W: At least we have a plot.
*Papillon introduces his crew Zed, a professional climber and his girlfriend Siouxie*
W: And the banshees.
*Benji asks Zed how Papillon got his scar and Zed says don’t ask. Benji asks Siouxie what are the dangers they are facing. She says if you run out of batteries, water or get hurt then you’re dead. Zed says they also have to worry about police, bats, bugs, drowning and cave ins. Zed does a bad Robert Di Nero impression and Papillon beat boxes*
W: At least we’re trying to get character development.
*Papillon says they need to leave immediately once they exit the van because the police will catch them with all the stuff. Papillon tags the graffiti wall and they all prepare to enter the train tunnel. George says he’s not going and Scarlett says she’ll talk him into it. Papillon leads them into the tunnel where there’s a small crevice in the floor. Benji has cameras installed in everyone’s headlights and George says he shouldn’t have come this far*
W: He’s legit freaking out because the actor is legit claustrophobic.
*The police show up and chase everyone including George into the hole*
W: Now its just the six of them.
*Scarlett tells Benji that George’s brother drowned in a cave when he was young. Scarlett apologizes for getting George arrested in Turkey. George says he’s not here for Scarlett and Papillon says to press on. He leads them through a water filled tunnel with George panting*
W: He’s not acting, he’s legit freaked. That adds to the effect.
*Papillon leads them into the catacombs and a bunch of chanting is heard. Papillon says its a cult of weirdos and one of them spots Benji*
W: Yeesh, that was freaky.
*Papillon doesn’t want to go a certain way because whoever goes that way never comes out. Papillon says his friend La Taupe lived down here and went missing after going down that tunnel. Papillon and his friends refuse to go that way and Scarlett has to reluctantly climb the other way. Zed pretends to be hurt to get a rise out of the crew and Benji says that’s not funny*
W: That “cried wolf” gag may come into play later.
*Benji gets stuck and can’t breathe. He freaks out*
W: Scarlett is no help right now.
*Scarlett tells him to breathe and to back up. The tunnel collapses but Benji is pulled to safety*
W: What a narrow escape.
*The group is right back at the beginning and Papillon says this shouldn’t be here. He has no idea how they ended up here and the group has no choice but to go through the tunnel La Taupe disappeared in. Scarlett sees Papillon’s tag and the group asks why his tag is there if he’s never been there before. He claims he has no idea how it got there when an old school phone rings*
W: I thought phones didn’t work down there.
*Papillon says the phone service got discontinued 50 years earlier. Papillon says this is wrong as George recognizes a sign on the wall from when the street collapsed centuries earlier. Papillon says 50 people disappeared when they were sent to fix the street. They spot a piano and George says its the exact one he had as a child and the A4 key was fucked up. This piano’s A4 key is messed up too*
W: What the hell?
*Papillon says they shouldn’t be here as the phone rings again*
W: We went from Indiana Jones to National Treasure and now we’re going Paranormal Activity.
*Scarlett runs after the phone ringing and spots an old rotary phone in the corner*
W: Gonna answer it?
*Scarlett answers the phone and the voice says “Why won’t you talk to me Scarlet?”
W: That was freaky.
*La Taupe shows up out of nowhere and tells them they shouldn’t be here. Taupe says they never came to look for him. Taupe says to get out they must follow him*
W: So we’re supposed to believe he’s been alive for 2 years down here?
*The tunnel begins to collapse as they follow the path La Taupe was on but he’s nowhere to be found. There’s no light and Scarlett asks how he can even see. Taupe is by a hole and he says the only way out is down*
W: Guess they have no choice.
*The group spots a well that’s very deep. Scarlett says they need to find the hidden chamber to get out. They all use a rope to climb down but Benji falls down on top of George. Benji’s hands are all cut up from the rope burn and Scarlett bandages him up. They go down a tunnel and weird sounds are heard. Some little boy is spotted on the camera and someone asks what was that. Taupe answers “not WHAT was that but WHO was that.”
W: The problem is the viewers can’t see shit.
*Zed asks if they should be following Taupe at all and they spot a doorway. The group enters and its a dead end. Taupe says he thought it was the way out. George spots the winged vulture from the Flamel riddle and Scarlett spots a Scarab. George and Scarlett says they need to find a Ptolemaic hinge, an old Egyptian booby trap. They either pull the right stone out or they are killed when the wall comes down*
W: Those Egyptian kings had a strange sense of humor.
*George shouts out a big tip that before Copernicus, people believed the Earth was the center of the universe and not a planet. Scarlett and George push the correct stone and a path appears. Scarlett says this is the first time someone’s been in this tunnel in 500 years. Scarlett climbs into the room and says Geore has to see this. They find a dead Templar Knight that’s not rotting*
W: Now we’re at Last Crusade.
*George and Scarlett figure out they’re close to the stone and Papillon asks if the dude is dead. George says for the last 700 years*
W: Must have been one of Flamel’s experiments.
*George says this is it but Scarlett says this can’t be. Scarlett tells everyone to kill their lights but Benji doesn’t want to because there’s a dead man laying. Once all the lights are off, Scarlett sees a light and she swims in the water toward it. Once she reaches the surface she spots a room full of treasure. George swims after her and into the room. He says its real and they found it*
W: Okay, they found it, how the hell are they gonna get out?
*The rest of the group is in the room celebrating*
W: Why is Taupe still dry?
*George and Scarlett find the stone inside a mural and Scarlett digs it out. The others can’t get through to the treasure but Scarlett realizes its a trap. The ceiling collapses and Siouxie and Taupe are trapped. Zed’s nose is broken and Siouxie’s arm is crushed. They pull her out but Taupe is under the rocks. Scarlett says if they dig him out the rocks will cave in and kill the rest of them. Papillon says the backpacks containing the food and water are buried*
W: Now we got a movie.
*Scarlett uses the stone to heal Siouxie’s arm completely. George says to look around for a way out. Scarlett finds the mural that says “As above, so below” which is the key to all magic. She says if there’s a mural on the ceiling the door is beneath them. They find a hole in the floor and Scarlett breaks through it. Papillon says this isn’t possible since they’re at the bottom. Once they go through the hole George reads hieroglyphics that say “abandon all hope ye who enter here”. Scarlett says that’s the inscription over the Gates of Hell. Papillon says “I’m not going in there”
W: Smart man….too bad there’s no other way out.
*Scarlett crawls through the hole followed by George and the rest. When they get through Scarlett realizes everything’s backwards. Papillon notices the entrance is now gone and Scarlett swims toward another late followed by the others. Something grabs one of them and a loud scream is heard. They swim back to the room with the dead Templar Knight but can hear someone breathing. Siouxie investigates and its La Taupe*
W: How’d he get there?
*Taupe comes to and George asks what’s wrong with him. Siouxie tries to snap Taupe out of it but he snaps and smashes Siouxie’s head into the stone, killing her. Papillon says to use the stone to heal her but Scarlett can’t bring back the dead. Papillon cries as George covers her up*
W: Oh shit….things just got real. We got 28 minutes left to finish this.
*Scarlett hears a voice calling out to her and George says they keep going deeper and deeper. If they go 100 meters deeper, they’ll be 1,000 feet below the surface*
W: Right in the middle of hell.
*Benji prepares to jump down a hole when he hears a baby crying. Benji hears whispering when he’s attacked by the cultist that stared at him earlier. Benji is thrown down the hole and he snaps his neck on the impact. Scarlett cries but the rest say they have to keep going*
W: 2 down….
*George hears his dead brother Danny’s voice saying to help him. George sees his dead brother underneath a pile of bones in a water. Scarlett and Zed try to calm him down by saying its not real. George calms down and they continue down a path. George asks why Danny would be there when they hear more yelling*
W: If they’re all in Hell that means they’re facing their own inner demons.
*The group spots a light at the end of a tunnel. Its a burning car and Papillon starts freaking out*
W: Here’s Papillon’s test.
*Papillon says it wasn’t his fault but he’s pulled toward the car. Whoever is in the car pulls Papillon in and he’s sucked into the ground*
W: So much for him.
*Zed freaks out and says to go back. George and Scarlett say they can’t go back*
W: 21 minutes left.
*George, Scarlett and Zed run around the caverns and spooky shit starts happening. George and Scarlett say no matter what happens, Turkey was the greatest week of their lives*
W: I would have hit them both with a rock if I were Zed.
*They continue to explore all sorts of weird shit including statues coming to life*
W: Love how Papillon died before Zed. Zed had no character development at all.
*Statues attack George and cut his neck wide open. Zed fights it off as Scarlett pulls George to safety. Scarlett uses the stone to heal George before he bleeds out but its not working. George says “Vitriol” and Scarlett realizes she snatched the wrong stone*
W: Then how the hell did she heal Siouxie earlier?
*Scarlett tells Zed to keep the pressure on George’s neck and she runs back by herself to return the stone*
W: Now you lost me….if that’s a fake stone why did it heal Siouxie?
*Scarlett falls in a pool of blood, wakes up and spots her father hanging. She puts the stone back where she found it and finds a mirror in the mural. She looks into it and runs back to George and Zed. She spots her father again and says she’s sorry she didn’t pick up the phone that night. She says she didn’t know he was in that much pain and the ghost disappears. She smashes the statue that attacked George before finding Zed and George. Scarlett kisses him and George’s neck wound is healed*
W: The hell was that?
*Scarlett leads George by the hand with Zed trailing close behind. They find a deep hole and George says they’ll never survive that. Scarlett asks why Danny haunts George and George says Danny’s leg got pinned underwater and he went to go get help. Danny drowned in the meantime. Zed says he’s haunted because he has a child out of wedlock that he has no contact with. They all hold hands and jump down the hole*
W: GERONIMOOOOOO!
*They all land with a thud but are unharmed. Zed freaks out thinking they’re gonna die. Scarlett calms him down as George spots a manhole underneath. They push it down and to the side to open it. Zed goes first followed by George and Scarlett. They’re in the streets of Paris*
W: Yay, they made it. Hooray hooray!
*The trio hug and Zed walks off*
W: What’s he gonna do? His friends are dead.
*Scarlett hugs George and cries. We cut to the interview from earlier where Scarlett says she’s not after the treasure, she’s after the truth. End credits*
W: That was almost good.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5.5 out of 10. Its a good first watch but you really take the piss out of it once you know what happens. That’s true for most movies but second time around this isn’t scary. The opening half hour does a great job to set up the descent to hell but after that it got a little hokey. Still, at least it was interesting to see what happens next.
Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average
*Warlock rises from the couch*
W: Well that was AS ABOVE, SO BELOW and I am pleasantly surprised. I expected it to be dogshit but it actually wasn’t bad. Its not great but at least its watchable. I can’t believe I’m saying this but the movie is 5 minutes too short. If they spent more time developing Zed, Siouxie and elaborating on the burning car from Paplillon’s past, it would have meant more when they died or when Zed said he had a kid out of wedlock. As it is its “oh look burning car, oh look Papillon’s dead”. Instead of that worthless scene of Papillon beatboxing and Zed doing a De Niro impression, they could have had them alluding to sins of the past that could come into play later. Still, the fact that the story is interesting enough to keep people interested until the final frame saves this….
*La Taupe’s voice says the only way out is down in the closing credits*
W: Oh yeah,….and what was with La Taupe? Was he a ghost all along? They never explained that but the hell with it. I recommend it for a rental or a one time watch, but don’t waste time buying it. That about wraps up another edition of Warlock’s Movie Realm, now leave me alone before I whoop ya damn ass!
*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a New England Patriots Superbowl 51 Champions hat, Genco Olive Oil t-short, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a McDonalds cup of Dr. Pepper*
W: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock flicks his wrist and fire appears before he walks inside*
W: Tonight and another night I’ll be doing a tribute to my maternal grandparents. Tonight I’ll be covering one of my grandfather’s favorite movies. I used to watch movies with him as a child including Dirty Dozen, Gunga Din and The Music Man. One of his favorites that I haven’t seen until tonight was the 1961 drama THE HUSTLER. Paul Newman and Jackie “Ralph Kramden” Gleason are pool players and its up to the youngster to upset the crafty veteran. Now will I like it as much as my grandfather did? There’s only one way to find out.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
W: So grab your popcorn, grab your drink and grab your woman because its time for THE HUSTLER.
Directed by Robert Rossen
Written by Walter Tevis, Robert Rossen and Sidney Carroll
*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a New England Patriots Superbowl 49 Champions hat, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass of water*
W: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots a lightning bolt and walks inside*
W: Tonight for the first time, I have no idea what movie I’m doing. Nope, let me explain.
*Warlock puts a box on the kitchen table*
W: I got this box of movies at a yard sale and I don’t have the least idea what’s in it. I can tell they are movies but that’s about it. So I’m going to pull one out of the box and watch whatever it is. Ok, here we go.
*Warlock reaches in the box and pulls out a DVD*
W: The hell is this? Oh great….just great.
*Warlock puts the DVD in and sits in the middle of the couch*
W: Well folks, tonight’s movie is CHAOS, a 2000 Japanese movie directed by Hideo Nakata. Who’s that? He’s the one that directed The Ring and The Ring 2…well the Japanese versions anyway. I know almost nothing about Japanese movies so I’m not going to even pretend to know what I’m in for. I just hope this isn’t too painful to sit through. What’s this movie even about? Who the hell knows. So grab your popcorn, grab your drink and grab your woman because its time for CHAOS.
W: “A man gets involved in a kidnapping scheme with the wife of a wealthy businessman. She lets herself be tied up and confined in his house while he sends the ransom demand.”
W: Sounds too easy
*Opening credits set to a rainstorm*
W: Saves money on soundtrack……
*Waiter brings tea to customers*
W: Okay, the movie is in Japanese but has subtitles.
*Man with bandaged hand tries to cut meat but a beautiful woman says she’ll do it for him*
W: I assume this is the girl they’re talking about in the tag-line since there’s only 4 people credited for the movie.
*Woman says they should have had Chinese food but the man says chopsticks are worse*
W: Ha!
*Man and woman walk out, woman checks herself out in the mirror*
W: Yes you look great.
*Woman says the food was delicious as the man signs the check, she goes outside. He walks outside but the woman is gone. He lights up a cigarette*
W: Damn she ran pretty fast.
*Man goes to a business meeting and asks if his wife called. The secretary says yes but thought she was dining with him. Man says she was and goes into his office. Later he gets a call from Mr. Sato at the bank. The man is Komiyama and the call is from a guy claiming he kidnapped his wife. Komi asks if this is a joke and the other man answers he picked her up at the L restaurant. Komi figures out its serious and asks if Saori is okay*
W: At least we have a plot.
*The kidnapper says he just finished fucking her and puts Saori on. She says she’s okay but doesn’t know where she is. The kidnapper says she’s precious merchandise and tapes her mouth shut. Kidnapper demands 30 million in yen tomorrow or she dies. We cut to Komi’s house with the police now there*
W: They work fast.
*Inspector talks to Komi and asks what happened. Komi says she walked outside and 2 minutes later she was gone when he walked out. There was no suspicious vehicles and Inspector asks why he didn’t look for her. Komi says he was late for a meeting and asks if she got snatched in that 2 minute period. Inspector says it looks like it. Komi says its his fault*
W: Even if he walked out with her, he probably would have gotten mugged.
*Komi gets a phone call from his office. His secretary says the kidnapper left a message to dial a number with a code. The police can’t trace it because its a voice mail system. Komi makes the call anyway and the code is Saori’s birthday. He gets a message saying put the 30 million in a bag and drop it off at a certain location. Komi takes a taxi to the dropoff point where a man in a hat is waiting*
W: There’s your kidnapper.
*Kidnapper goes over what to say*
W: He looks scared shitless, he can’t be behind this.
*Kidnaper calls the Kuriharas and says he’s killing her sister in law. He says that Komi broke the rules and Saori dies unless she brings him all the money she has. He says he has Saori and her son too*
W: He’s full of shit, there’s no kid there.
*Kidnapper lays down relieved*
W: Sucks to be a pawn, but who’s the king?
*Kidnapper waits for the sister to leave and enters her house*
W: A diversion, brilliant.
*Sister goes to the train station. Kidnapper grabs her purse and runs onto a train. Kidnapper runs to the parking garage and pays for his parking*
W: Hahahaha he still had to pay for parking.
*Kidnapper gets in a van and goes through the purse, there’s a lot of money in it. He smiles and drives off*
W: Now what?
*Kidnapper goes back to the flophouse where Saori is outside smiling*
W: Huh?
*Tashiro Minoru calls a Handyman. Kidnapper is awoke by a buzz at the door. Its Saori and she says she’s faking her own kidnapping*
W: Its a flashback. In other words, Saori faked her own kidnapping and this guy is the fall guy.
*The man is Kuroda and they drink tea together. He says she looks familiar and she says she doesn’t usually dress that way. Saori says a friend of hers is visiting America so she can hide in her apartment while he gets the ransom. She doesn’t return until next Monday and Kuroda asks if this is serious. She says its very serious*
W: That’s why he looked scared shitless earlier.
*Kuroda goes over what to do once Komi calls the police and he doesn’t want to get caught. Kuroda drops Saori off at he friend’s apartment and says he’s got stuff to do*
W: Imagine if he went to the woman’s husband now and spilled the beans? MOVIE’S OVER! The End!
*Kuroda brings groceries to the apartment and goes over the plan. They must make it look real and she can’t touch anything or leave fingerprints or else they’ll get caught*
W: Wow, he thought of everything like he’s done this before.
*Kuroda says don’t feed the fish because she’s supposed to be kidnapped. She says they’ll die and he says what matters more, this scheme or the fish. Kuroda says she can’t bathe or shower because this needs to look legit. He tells her only eat the food he brought and don’t touch her friends*
W: Imagine if he didn’t tell her any of this and the fish got fed and the fridge got raided?
*Saori strips naked and Kuroda looks away. She puts on a different outfit*
W: I thought this was going to be like one of those Japanese Guinea Pig movies, thank god its not like that.
*Saori puts lipstick on once she’s dressed. He says he’ll get rid of her old outfit. He ties her up and goes to kiss her*
W: Stockholm Syndrome went in quick.
*Kuroda then throws her on the floor and says he always wanted to fuck someone tied up. He says they’re not playing anymore and kisses her forcefully*
W: Wow he’s really going for it.
*Kuroda rips her dress and she screams no*
W: Great, a rapist to boot.
*Kuroda stops and calls the ransom number. Its the phone call to Komi from earlier in the movie only from Kuroda’s side*
W: So he DIDN’T rape her, he just wanted to simulate it to get her properly scared. Damn, he really does know what he’s doing.
*Kuroda says when he returns, he’ll ring 3 times, hang up and ring 3 times again to let her know its him. Later when its dark he returns to the apartment. Saori isn’t in the living room so Kuroda turns on a flashlight to look for her*
W: We still got an hour left in the movie, don’t tell me she ran away.
*Kuroda returns to find Saori tied up and dead. He freaks out*
W: Woah, did NOT see that coming. Did she take cyanide or something?
*Kuroda stumbles around the apartment when the phone rings. He answers it and the person on the other line says it was a mistake to answer the phone. Kuroda asks what happened and the voice on the other line says its his fault for kidnapping her. Other line says the cops will never buy that he’s the victim and to dump the body since he doesn’t like loose ends. He says he doesn’t want to get caught himself and he’ll call the cops on Kuroda if he doesn’t comply*
W: How high does this chain go?
*Other line tells Kuroda to take care of it. He dumps the body and we cut to to Kuroda the next day at a newstand*
W: Mad Magazine?
*Kuroda returns to his apartment where his son Noboru is all beat up. He takes him inside and he falls asleep. Kuroda goes over the newspapers when he gets a voice message from Misako. Misako was worried about Noboru and Kuroda never thinks about anyone else. Kuroda says he’ll bring him home now. On his way to bring home Noboru, Kuroda spots Saori walking down the street*
W: Huh?
*Kuroda gets out of his car in the middle of the street and goes after Saori but an angry driver behind him gets out and punches him*
W: Hahahaha imagine that in real life?
*Kuroda goes back to the grave where he dumped Saori and digs it up. She’s still there*
W: She’s not Jesus Christ, dude.
*Kuroda pukes from the smell*
W: Yeah, what did you expect from digging up a corpse?
*Meanwhike Komi shows up at the office and Inspector say he needs a vacation. There’s been no leads so far and so much time has passed. With no further contact from the perp, there’s little they can do. They need to make this go public to get more information from anyone that could have known who she is. Komi asks what about Saori and Inspector says he fears the worst. Komi says why kill her over 5 million and Inspector says maybe that was the plan all along. Komi says why do it and Inspector says he doesn’t know. He advises to go public with Komi’s consent and Komi gives it*
W: Kuroda’s in big trouble now.
*Kuroda fakes being a cop to ask about the lease to the apartment Saori was in. It says Act Promotion and Kuroda asks why they own it and the manager says its rented out to modeling agencies. He says apartment 303 is rented out to a Tsushima Satomi, not Soma Rumi, Saori’s friend. Rumi’s apartment is 302. The news comes on that Saori has been kidnapped and Kuroda tells the manager that its nothing. Act Promotion owns apartment 302 as well and Kuroda disguises himself as someone from the ad agency to talk to Soma Rumu*
W: This guy is a first class bullshitter. He’s like Fletch without the charm.
*Kuroda pretends to know Satomi and asks for dirt about her. Soma says she has a boyfriend she lives with and she rarely goes back to the complex. Kuroda then hits up Cafe Racine*
W: He’s a better detective than that Inspector guy.
*Kuroda finds Saori’s picture as part of the waiting staff at Racine and rings the bell to some complex. He says he’s a Handyman and a woman’s pipe is broken inside*
W: Oh, actual work.
*The woman thanks him for shutting the water off. The woman looks exactly like Saori and Kuroda is shocked*
W: What the hell just happened?
*Komi smokes a cigarette until Satomi joins him on the couch. He makes out with her on the couch and says the investigation is going nowhere and they’ll never find out*
W: Ohhhh I get it now.
*Komi asks why she had to ransom her sister as well and Satomi says she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Komi says Kuroda swindled his sister out of 5 million and says it made it look better. He asks if Kuroda will talk and Satomi says he won’t*
W: For a movie with no action, at least it has a plot.
*Footage of a rainstorm outside the Heights complex when a woman with a red umbrella shows up*
W: That’s Satomi.
*Satomi drops the umbrella and rings the bell of apartment 303. She pulls a butcher’s knife*
W: This got dark real quick.
*We cut to Komi cutting his hand and washing it off in the bathtub*
W: The problem with this movie is it doesn’t say what’s a flashback and what’s not.
*We get a gray flashback of Komi choking Saori to death with Satomi’s help*
W: Oh, wonderful. NOW we get a clear flashback.
*Komi says he can claim self defense to the police and Satomi says he’ll never get away with it. She says they look alike and comes up with the plot of Satomi pretends to be Saori and to fake a kidnapping. That way Saori will be gone and Saorin can go on living as her. We cut to Komi and Saori planning a fake kidnapping*
W: I’m so lost right now. Is this Saori or Satomi?
*Saori says she knows her husband is cheating on her and wants to teach him a lesson*
W: So wait, wait, wait……this is Saori planning the original kidnapping? I thought they did this earlier….unless he knew all about Satomi and it was Satomi that went to him earlier and he was ready for it. At least this movie is making me think.
*We cut to a modeling photoshoot and Satomi walks out. Kuroda introduces himself and she runs for it smiling*
W: Why is she smiling?
*Kuroda chases Satomi and tackles her*
W: Sacked at the 5 yard line.
*Satomi starts laughing and Kuroda says this isn’t funny and its not a game. He asks why him and she says it was pure chance. He asks if he killed her. She says no but that was her on the phone after*
W: Ohhhhhh, that’s Saori? So Satomi came to Kuroda at the beginning pretending to be Saori.
*Kuroda pulls a dress out and says pretend to be Saori*
W: Wait, that’s Satomi? Fuck it….I’m lost.
*Satomi goes to put pink lipstick on and stops her, he makes her wear red*
W: Sorry folks, I’m lost.
*Komi meets Satomi and tells her Kuroda knows about the scheme to get rid of Saori. She tells him Kuroda wants 30 million for real this time. Komi says this is where their luck runs out. He’s giving up but Satomi says as long as she’s with him, she’s not giving up. Meanwhile Inspector watches from the car and knows that’s Satomi, not Saori. Komi and Satomi return to apartment 303 with Inspector pulling up to watch them*
W: We got 16 minutes left.
*The fish are all dead when they enter the apartment and the phone rings. Komi answers the phone and its Kuroda asking where his money is. Kuroda tells Komi to give her the money and send her next door. Kuroda is in the van and Komi says promise him this ends now and Kuroda says yes. Komi hands Satomi a knife and says take this. Satomi goes next door as Kuroda tells Komi to check the bathroom. The corpse of Saori is in there and Komi pukes*
W: I’m lost, is that Saori or Satomi?
*Inspector shows up looking for Satomi and Komi is puking his guts out. Komi cries and Kuroda hangs up the phone. Satomi/Saori brings the money to the van and gets in. Kuroda says now they’re even and he won his bet. He asks if she won hers and she just stares at him*
W: Watch out, she has a knife.
*Kuroda pulls over at the side of the road to sleep. Both are passed out*
W: Least he didn’t crash the damn thing.
*Kuroda wakes up Saori/Satomi*
W: 9 minutes left.
*Kuroda and Saori/Satomi mack in the van*
W: Wait…..if Saori was choked to death before this all started, who the hell was buried?
*Kuroda starts feeling up her legs and stops. He finds the knife she had concealed and she shakes her head. A police cruiser is on its way*
W: Uh oh.
*Kuroda stares at her and she goes to run for it. Kuroda “Both liars huh?” She throws the knife and runs off into the woods. He runs after her and leave the van. The cruiser just drives on by*
W: False alarm.
*Kuroda chases Saori/Satomi into the woods then into an open field. It starts to rain and says she doesn’t have to run from him anymore. She says let’s go together and they run in slow motion. She runs and jumps off a cliff into the river*
W: What the hell?
*Nothing emerges from the water. End credits*
W: So what, he just imagined the whole thing? Impossible, Komi handed her the knife. Fuck it…I’m done.
The Warlock’s Assessment: 6 out of 10: Its a good story but its a mind fuck.
Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
W: Well that was Chaos….wow, what a mind fuck. I got lost in the middle when I couldn’t figure out who exactly got killed and if that was the point, good job Nakata. Its one of those double and triple cross movies that you don’t know which end is up. The acting was a good and the story kept you interested, even if it was mega confusing. I personally got lost but maybe you’ll have better luck than I did. I may have pulled this movie out of a box but at least it was good. Hopefully the next movie I pull out will be just as good. That wraps up another edition of Warlock’s Movie Realm. Now leave me alone before I whoop ya damn ass!
*The Warlock is in the lair already on the couch. He’s wearing a New England Patriots Superbowl 49 Champions hat, Genco Olive Oil t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a bottle of Barq’s Root Beer*
W: Welcome to my lair for a very special edition of Warlock’s Movie Realm. Tonight Neyzor Blades and I are doing one of her favorite childhood movies that I’ve never actually seen.
*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*
N: How in the hell have you never seen this?
W: Without blowing what the movie is, let’s just say I grew up on Patrick Swayze’s other hit movies such as Ghost and To Wong Foo. Since I’ve already done Road House for this series, tonight’s movie can only be the one and only DIRTY DANCING.
N: Yayyyyy.
W: That’s right, I’ve never actually seen this and everyone I know says its a good movie. I have two real fears about this movie. Rom coms aren’t exactly my thing and the movie is from 1987. I’m expecting a lot of cheesy 80’s dance songs and if that’s the case, I’m in for a long hour and 40 minutes. However this could surprise me big time so there’s only one way to find out if this is good or not. Grab your popcorn, grab your drink and grab your woman because its time for DIRTY DANCING.
Written by Eleanor Bergstein
Directed by Emile Ardolino
Cast:
Baby Houseman (Jennifer Grey)
Johnny Castle (Patrick Swayze)
Jake Houseman (Jerry Orbach)
Penny Johnson (Cynthia Rhodes)
Max Kellerman (Jack Weston)
Lisa Houseman (Jane Brucker)
Majorie Houseman (Kelly Bishop)
Neil Kellerman (Lonny Price)
Robbie Gould (Max Cantor)
Tito Suarez (Charles “Honi” Coles)
Billy Kostecki (Neal Jones)
Magician (Cousin Brucie Morrow)
Stan (Wayne Knight)
Mrs. Schumacher (Alvin Myerovich)
Vivian Pressman (Miranda Garrison)
Moe Pressman (Garry Goodrow)
Staff Kid (Antone Pagan)
Bus Boy (Thomas Cannold)
Dirty Dancers (MR Fletcher, Jesus Fuentes, Heather Lea Gerdes, Karen Getz, Andrew Charles Koch, DA Pauley, Doriana Sanchez, Jennifer Stahl, Darren W Conrad, Karen Kaster, Mazine McClanahan, Jonathan Reed)
Tito’s Band (Jonathan Barnes, Dwyght Bryan, Tom Drake, John Gotz, Dwayne Malphus, Clifford Watkins)
Boy in Crowd (Stamati Arakas)
Extra (Emile Ardolino)
Young Woman (Lori Janney)
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
W: “Spending the summer at a Catskills resort with her family, Baby Houseman falls in love with the camp’s dance instructor, Johnny Castle.”
*The Warlock and Neyzor Bladez are at Seven-Eleven getting snacks and drinks in preparation for watching Joker the next night. Warlock stops at the cheap movie section and looks at it. He picks two movies out and pays for them along with the snacks and drinks*
<Graphic reads PRESENT DAY>
*The Warlock is at The Grand Wizard’s Castle wearing a New England Patriots Superbowl 49 Champions hat, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades*
W: Welcome to my father’s castle for another edition of Warlock’s Movie Realm. A year ago I bought two movies at Seven-Eleven and one of them was the frustrating Hair Brained I covered with Neyzor Blades. The second is what we’re watching tonight. Its the 1973 John Wayne western CAHILL: US MARSHAL.
*The Grand Wizard is on his throne and Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Wa: Released two years after Big Jake, CAHILL tells the tale of a US Marshal who’s horrified to learn his two sons not only joined a gang but robbed a bank as well. Its a John Wayne movie so I’m not expecting blow me away acting or a deep story. Will it be fun to watch like other Wayne westerns or is this going to be a steaming turd? Let’s find out. Grab your popcorn, grab your drink and grab your woman because its time for CAHILL: US MARSHAL.
Wi: “A tough Marshal has a difficult task when his two sons join a gang and rob a bank.”
W: Its like his sons in Big Jake turning heel
Warlock’s Assessment: 5.5 out of 10
Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average
*Warlock rises from the couch*
W: It was a good movie but boring at times. Not much action, lots of padding. The acting was good but other than that, I’ve seen a lot better John Wayne movies. He was getting old at this point and the movies he was doing were outdated by that point. Consider this one of his last hurrahs so to speak. Now leave me alone before I whoop ya damn ass!
*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a New England Patriots Superbowl 39 Champions hat, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a Red Robin drinking glass of water*
W: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock does nothing, he just walks inside and sits on the couch*
W: Tonight its another IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE. We go back to the past and check out THREE LEGIONNAIRES. This came out in 1937 and apparently Robert Armstrong is a Legionnaire. I have no idea what the point of the movie is but the good news is its only 65 minutes long. Just like Unmarried, if it sucks at least its short. The only way to find out if it sucks is to, as Emer would say, shut up and push play and I’m gonna do that, right now. So grab your popcorn, grab your drink and grab your woman because its time for THREE LEGIONNAIRES.
W: “Set in the post-WWI days in the Siberian tank town of Skzavoskanoff, U. S. Army Sergeant Chuck Connors and Private Jiimy Barton are charged with upholding the principles of American Democracy in the face of the exotic charms of Olga”
Warlock's Movie Realm 