*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a blue Elvis jumpsuit with his hair slicked back, black clogs and gargoyle shades*
W: Welcome….welcome very much to my lair.
*A voice from behind*
Mr. America: You moron. You blew it.
*Mr. America appears in the door wearing a white Elvis jumpsuit, blue suede shoes with his hair slicked back*
America: Thank you, thank you very much. Welcome to the lair…come on in.
*Warlock is miffed as America takes his seat in the recliner*
W: Why are we dressed like this? Well after we covered Viva Las Vegas we decided to do a movie that not only was based on a part of Elvis, but was the coming out party for the sultry Ann Margret.
A: Yeah, and I picked the movie so we don’t have to watch one of your atrocities.
W: Yes, credit is due to Mr. America for going on this Elvis kick.
A: Thank you, thank you very much.
W: Oh good lord. Anyway the plot to his is Elv…errr Conrad Birdie was drafted into the army and he’s got one last Ed Sullivan performance to put on before he leaves. Mayhem will ensue so let’s see how this turns out.
A: Hurry up.
W: So lets start with Bye Bye Birdie.
Written by Michael Stewart and Irving Brecher
Directed by George Sidney
Cast:
Rosie DeLeon (Janet Leigh)
Albert F Peterson (Dick Van Dyke)
Kim McAfee (Ann Margret)
Mama Mae Peterson (Maureen Stapleton)
Hugo Peabody (Bobby Rydell)
Conrad Birdie (Jesse Pearson)
Harry McAfee (Paul Lynde)
Doris McAfee (Mary LaRoche)
Claude Paisley (Michael Evans)
Bob Precht (Robert Paige)
Maestro Borov (Gregory Morton)
Randolph McAfee (Bryan Russell)
Mr. Maude (Milton Frome)
Ed Sullivan (himself)
Ballet Manager (Ben Astar)
Ursula (Trudi Ames)
Mayor Sam (Frank Albertson)
Mayor’s Wife (Beverly Yates)
Maude’s bartender (Frank Sully)
Ursula’s Mother (Bo Peep Karlin)
Teenagers (Melinda Marx, Tommy Alexander, Babette Bain, Robert Banas, Kim Darby, Ric de Azevedo, Lynn Fields, Gretchen Goertz, Stephanie Gorman, Ralph Hart, Linda Henning, Elaine Joyce, Melody Patterson, Evelyn Rudie, Nina Schneider, Michael Smith, Martin E Wade, Kathy West, George Winters)
Shriner (Mell Turner)
Lanky Shriner (Gil Lamb)
Dancing Shriner (Bert May)
Student leader (Lee Aaker)
Prima Ballerina (Karel Shimoff)
Donald Lawton (Russian Consol)
Telephone Operator (Yvonne White)
Stage Manager (Frank Adamo)
Assistant Directors (Richard Adams, Keith Wegeman, Robert Whiting)
Good Humor Man (Phil Arnold)
Fred (Tony Benson)
Joan (Evelyn Bernauer)
The Ray Block Orchestra (Themselves)
Audience Members (Steve Carruthers, Sam Harris, Richard LaMarr, Arthur Tovey)
Margie (Melinda Clasky)
Featured Dancers (Lesley-Marie Colburn, Bruce Hoy, Jack Konzal)
John Daly (Himself)
Sheila (Sheila Dehner)
Mr. Nebbitt (Cyril Delevanti)
Police Officer (George DeNormand)
Production Crew Members (Robert Dulaine, Harold Miller, George Nardelli, Tony Regan, John Roy, Cosmo Sardo)
Nancy (Sherry Granato)
TV Director (Joe Gray)
Lodge Member (Jimmie Horan, Charles Morton)
Russian Aides (Bud Houghton, Michael Panaieff, George Perina)
Man (Clyde Howdy)
Girl (Ina Kent)
Harvey Johnson (Pete Menefree)
Helicopter Pilot (Mark Meyer)
Ralph (Tod Miller)
Secretary (Frances O’Farrell)
Bob the Producer (Jerry Orbach)
Sycophant Boy (Justin Peters)
Constable (Frank Radcliffe)
Princes (Walter Rode, George Zoritch)
Twins (Michael and Pat Ryan)
Carl (Johnny Scoggins)
Marge (Hazel Shermet)
Lieutenant (Tommy Speer)
Tommy (George Spicer)
Penelope (Nancy Spry)
Debbie (Debbie Stern)
Hugo’s Partner (Lorene Yarnell Jansson)
Fireman’s Band (Themselves)
*America reads the tag-line*
A: “A rock singer travels to a small Ohio town to make his farewell television performance and kiss his biggest fan before he is drafted”
W: This was based on Elvis’ true story?
A: No, just inspired by him being drafted.
*Kim McAfee sings the theme song*
W: Ann Margret
A: Yup.
*Kim sings*
W: Is she supposed to be singing this badly?
A: I don’t know.
*Car pulls up*
W: I want that car.
*Japanse girls banter about Conrad Birdie being drafted*
W: This would be like The Beatles getting drafted by the British Royal Air Force.
*Women sing “We love you Conrad”
W: Good god a girl I used to date had to perform this and I had it ringing in my ears.
A: I love some of the signs. “The army is mean”
W: “Spare Birdie, take me.”
A: Ha!
*Still photos of Conrad performing and a random shot of JFK*
W: Hahahaha JFK thrown in there.
*Newcaster says Birdie is the army’s newest weapon*
W: We’re screwed then.
A: Oh yeah.
*Albert Peterson wrote a song for Birdie, Mumbo Jumbo Gooey Gumbo*
W: Hahaha Dick Van Dyke would write something like that.
*A pigeon appears in the window*
W: There’s your best supporting actor.
A: A pigeon? Its a freakin charity case. Look he wants a handout.
*Albert wants to know where Rosie is. Rosie is apparently going to talk to Ed Sullivan. She meets with him*
W: That IS Ed Sullivan.
*Bob Precht introduces himself*
W: That’s Robert Paige.
A: Who?
W: He’s….nevermind.
A: Good job.
*Rosie has a plan for Birdie to kiss a teenaged girl before he goes to the army. Rosie wants Sullivan to give his blessing to get Birdie to sing a song written by Albert. Rosie leaves and asks Marge to get her some files. Rosie picks Kim McAfee as the girl*
W: So they picked Ann Margret out of a hat?
A: Pretty much.
*Kim calls her friend*
W: This was a year before Viva Las Vegas right?
A: Yeah.
W: Ann Margret looks 16 here and 25 there and it was one year apart.
*Ursula calls up the whole town to tell them Kim has been picked to kiss Conrad Birdie. We get a dance and song number with teenagers calling each other spreading the news*
A: Why is there a girl bending over a bannister?
W: Im not complaining. Look at that caboose.
*Kid drives down the street on the phone with girls hanging on him*
A: I’d love to see him crash for talking on a non-existent phone.
W: Car phones in 1963?
*Pidge putters around, Albert feeds it but Rosie thinks hes trying to jump out the window so she stops him*
W: She thought he was trying to jump out the window.
*He insults her and she threatens to leave and he says suicide for cowards. He wants to marry her*
W: Don’t fall for it!
A: Ha!
*Albert “I am not a gigilo”
W: Hahahahaha I’d LOVE to see Dick perform “Just a Gigilo”
A: But…I…..hahahahaha
*Mama Peterson shows up and Rosie says he needs to come clean about their relationship. She acts like the stereotypical overbearing mother*
W: Was this before it was cliche?
*Kim talks to Hugo on the phone*
W: I’m sure he’s gonna love the idea of his girlfriend kissing another guy.
*Kim goes into a musical number*
W: She was indeed 22 at the time of this production.
*Kim puts on a large sweater and shimmies out of her dress*
W: Well she just took her clothes off so I feel better now.
*Kim does a number with well placed camera angles hiding her private areas*
W: Keeping it clean for the 60’s kids.
*Kim goes downstairs in jeans as her parents Doris and Harry are there. Harry is smoking a pipe*
W: That’s Templeton.
*Kim is chosen to kiss Conrad Birdie and she nearly faints. She rants and raves to Doris and Harry. Her little brother in a Chicago Bears hat is disgusted*
W: The Bears were terrible then.
*The girls sing they love Conrad and an angry mob of white boys sing that they hate him*
W: One boy looks like he’s 8 and this guy on the right is wearing a women’s sweater.
*Hugo talks with Kim but away from the mob. Hugo doesn’t want her to kiss him*
W: I can’t blame him, sorry.
*Kim says she doesn’t have feelings for Conrad and he believes her. She goes back to the mob while Hugo claims he told her off. Mr Paisley says this will be good publicity for the town. The boy mob calls him a fink*
W: I’m sure they would have called him worse if this wasn’t a family show.
*Reporters ask Kim what her name is. She answers Conrad Birdie*
W and A: Hahahahahha
*Mr. Paisley and Hugo introduce themselves to Rosie. Mama Peterson bumps into someone and calls them a rube. Meanwhile Conrad shows up on a motorcycle*
W: That’s one way to make an entrance.
*Harry and Doris are mortified. The boy mob nudge Hugo*
W: Well if that don’t beat all.
*Conrad walks out with two guys holding guitars over his head like swords*
W: Really?
*The girl mob pledge alliegence to Conrad Birdie*
W: Did girls really do this for Elvis?
A: I don’t think so.
*Conrad gets mobbed by girls on the way to City Hall. He gets a key to the city and the girls cum themselves when the mayor mentions his name*
A: I love how they’re poking fun of the hysteria surrounding Elvis.
*Conrad goes into a song number that makes the women faint*
W: And they wanted the real Elvis for this?
A: Yeah, they were hoping but his manager kept him from doing it because he didn’t want Elvis making fun of himself.
W: Colonel Tom Parker, he was a bit of a dick. I don’t think it would have hurt his career one bit.
*Conrad makes Kim faint into Hugo’s arms by performing Honestly Sincere*
A: Good for the actor.
W: There’s not one dry set of panties in that audience.
*Conrad makes the entire crowd fall down an looks at the camera “Are you gonna be sincere?”
W: No, I’m not. I’m not falling down.
A: This song number was not ruined, nope. He got his guitar back.
*Everyone has fainted including a cop in a tree*
A: How do you pass out in a tree? Its three fucking trees going in different directions.
*Randolph makes a model rocket*
A: THAT is my best pick for best supporting actor.
*Warlock goes to say something*
A: And if you complain of my choice let me remind you that one time you picked a a pile of rotting, stinking, past due bowl of beans left out to die in the sun so cut me some slack just once!
W: ………..*Says nothing*
A: That’s what I thought.
*Harry runs home and screams at the kids on the lawn. He tells Randolph to put the rocket away and go to bed*
W: Its broad daylight!
*Harry is pissed that Kim has to kiss Conrad. Albert and Doris check her out while she’s sleeping*
W: Why are they creeping on her?
*Randolph brings down a turtle*
W: What the hell is with the turtle?
*Harry rants and raves to Doris about what’s going on. A model rocket goes off on its own and Albert runs to the rescue. Albert actually has a degree in chemistry*
A: Yeah, he does.
*Albert feeds a suppliment to the turtle. The turtle doesn’t move as Rosie tries to get Doris and Harry to go along with it by giving them spots on Ed Sullivan. Harry daydreams about being on the show*
W: Paul Lynde was very talented.
*McAfee family performs a number wearing white graduation gowns*
W: What’s with the graduation gowns?
*Mayor calls up Harry to tell him to call it off. Harry counters by saying the Mayor will make a speech on the Ed Sullivan Show much to Rosie and Albert’s chagrin*
W: They earned that.
*The turtle hightails it out of there past Hugo and Ursula. They want Kim to break it off but Harry says he’s letting her go through with it. Kim comes down and calls Hugo a child and tells Ursula to peep through the keyhole at Conrad*
W: Half the town would be there wrestling for the keyhole.
A: Hahahahaha
*Kim and Hugo talk one on one. She sings to him One Boy*
W: I feel a songggg coming onnnnnn.
A: No, you shut up.
W: We have a full hour left.
A: I’d laugh if he backed up, tripped and fell over the damn bench.
*Closeup of Hugo’s face and one of Kim’s*
W: He looks like a doofus and she looks gorgeous.
A: I suppose that’s the point.
*Hugo leaves because he’s got homework to do*
W: I never did homework.
A: I remember, I’m very aware.
*Rosie starts singing*
W: What song is this?
A: Its uncredited.
*Albert calls his mother but she doesn’t answer. Conrad starts acting like a dick in front of Albert and Harry and Albert has to restrain Harry from knocking him out. Harry “The next time I have a daughter, I hope its a boy.”
W: Ha!
*Albert runs outside at Harry’s request when they see Rosie. Albert tries to cheer her up by doing a dance number Put On A Happy Face”
W: Oh god I had to perform this once.
A: What?
W: My ex was in a production for this in high school, she wanted me to perform this for her.
A: You should have recorded that then promptly shot it into the sun.
*While Albert performs a “ghost” of Rosie sings along*
W: Why is there a ghost of Rosie dancing with him?
A: I stopped asking questions when he started drawing smiley faces on the screen.
W: Guess they were showing off technology by 1963 standards.
A: Jesus the hill is not that steep.
W: Where’s the neighbor telling them “Hey will you shut up??”
*Rosie and Albert ride a wagon down a hill and the turtle runs past them into the pond*
A: God damned turtle again.
W: That may win best supporting actor.
A: No!
*Mrs Peterson yells out for Albert and he answers the door*
W: That’s the McAfee house and they got half the cast coming in and out.
*Albert caters to Mrs. Peterson with Doris and Harry assisting*
W: With all the comedians in the cast, I bet the outtakes for this movie were amazing.
*Mrs. Peterson blames Rosie for Albert’s new business venture and tries to suffocate herself in the stove. Harry says don’t worry its electric*
W: Hahaha
*Kim and Ursula run downstairs, Kim’s dyed her hair and Doris hates it. Harry says he wants respect and doesn’t get it. Randolph says he respects him and Harry says he doesn’t want HIS respect*
W: Wow what an asshole.
*Harry goes into a number for Kids with Mrs Peterson joining in*
W: Hahahaha
*Randolph and Albert are silenced by Mama and Harry. They finish the number and Rosie says she’ll meet Mr Paisley in ten minutes*
W: That’s what you get momma’s boy.
*Conrad tries to learn the song Albert wrote while Kim drinks a coke with a straw*
W: Randolph is with the turtle again. You sure you want the model rocket to win best supporting actor with that ninja turtle over there.
A: Ok, I mayyyybe willing to nominate the turtle.
*Bob goes over the TV format with everyone. Mr. Paisley tries to hit on Rosie as Mrs. Peterson tells Harry to move over when there’s nobody else sitting with him. Kim can’t remember her lines so Conrad kisses her to make her faint. Hugo won’t stand for it and she breaks up with him on the spot. Meanwhile Ed Sullivan sends a telegraph to Bob that the song has been cut and Conrad has just 30 seconds. Harry tears up the speech he had planned*
W: Well that sucks.
*Hugo stalks Conrad who’s at the malt shop singing A Lot Of Livin To Do*
W: Feminists would piss themselves listening to these lyrics.
*All the teen girls get into Conrad except Kim. Hugo goes to make a move but Kim goes into her own version of the song*
W: All the older boys are circling like vultures, look at them.
A: Oh yeah.
*Hugo highjacks song to say that he’s gonna get some too, the entire room follows him and abandons Kim*
W: Hahahahaha good.
*Kim pulls some random guy to do a dance with. Hugo pulls a random girl to dance off with them*
W: Well we reached the annual part in an Ann Margret movie where she shakes her sexy ass in tight clothes.
A: Good.
*Conrad jacks the song to do an impromptu conga line*
W: This place is lit.
*Conrad dances in the middle of the room with all the extras with Kim and Hugo on opposite sides*
W: This is how teen angst should be settled….in a dance off. Less violent that way.
*Conrad walks right by Hugo and Kim “I got a lot of livin”
W: Ha, just walked right through them.
*Conrad finishes the song*
W: We got a half hour to go.
*Conrad leaves on his bike as Kim looks for Hugo*
W: He’s looking for a girl to pin.
*Moscow Balet is now playing*
A: Yeah, remember they lost their spot because of this?
W: Oh yeah.
*Albert toasts Stalin which pisses off the Balet Manager so he toasts Kruschev instead*
W: Hahaha nice recovery.
*Albert tries to get the Balet manager to call off his spot on Ed Sullivan so he can get his song played. Manager won’t have it and throws him out*
W: Can’t blame a guy for trying.
*Rosie and Kim have a heart to heart talk. Rosie says Hugo and Albert go from puberty to stupidity and from Benedict Arnold to Mussolini*
W: Did she just compare Albert to fuckin Mussolini because hes a momma’s boy?
*Rosie takes her top off and talks to Kim in her bra*
W: Haven’t seen her cleavage like that since Psycho.
*Rosie says Mr. Paisley wanted to elope but she turned him down. She leaves to go to Maude’s Cafe for a late night romp Albert and the McAfee’s are already there*
W: He beat her there.
*The manager throws Hugo out right in front of Albert. He blames Albert for this happening. They both lament losing their women. Hugo holds up the locket*
W: Eat it.
*Mrs. Peterson is on a date and Albert gets jealous. Rosie spots them all, gets pissed, drinks and heads for the back room. She runs into an Elk’s Lodge meeting and starts playing around everyone as Albert falls down the stairs*
W: Can’t be a Dick Van Dyke production without him falling down.
*Rosie performs Burlesque for the Lodgers*
W: Thi movie just got better.
*Guys fall under the table*
W: She’s blowing everybody.
A: I’m not going to make assumptions on what she’s doing down there.
W: I will…she blew all of them.
*Rosie dances on a rable*
W: How come my grandfather’s VFW meetings never went like this?
A: I’m not even gonna dignify that with a response.
*Lodgers chase Rosie around*
W: What did you expect was gonna happen?
*Albert gets trampled and then hits his head on the guardrail*
A: I feel bad for him.
W: I’d love to see them drop her right into the goddamned guardrail.
A: I wonder if that happened in an outtake.
*Albert wakes up in his pajamas*
W: He just imagined the whole thing.
A: Ha.
*Rosie and Albert are back together and he wants to take a bus to Niagra Falls. He asks if she’s disappointed in seeing him in his pajamas*
A: My how times have changed in the last 54 years.
W: Especially since she’s wearing less than he is.
*Albert says the balet moves like turtles and Rosie gets an idea, calling for Randolph*
W: They’re gonna sabotage the Russians.
A: Since the turtle gave them the idea to do that, I’m changing my nomination to the turtle.
*The McAfee family sits front row and Randolph has a wad of cash. He sold his chem set to Albert. Rosie dopes the milk and makes the Balet conductor drink it*
W: This is not gonna end well.
*Russians perform a slow balet much to the Manager’s delight*
W: Excuse me while I sleep.
*The speed hits the Balet conductor and he speeds up the tempo*
A: I’d say it worked.
*The Kremlin is pissed the dance is sped up while Ed Sullivan and the gang laughs their asses off. The Manager takes his shoe off and yells at the conductor*
A: Why is he taking his shoe off?
W: Better than his pants.
A: WHY WOULD HE TAKE HIS PANTS OFF????
*Sullivan says the Birdie song is back on if Albert can round up everyone. Everyone scrambles as even the balet dancers get mad at the conductor. They threaten him after its over as the Manager hits himself with the shoe as the conductor is given a standing O*
W: Imagine Seiji Ozawa doing that?
A: Ha.
*Conrad and Kim take the stage as the girls start screaming. Harry slowly walks in front of the camera as Ed Sullivan is mortified. He plugs his company and thanks Conrad before he’s ushered off. Conrad goes into One Last Kiss trying to seduce Kim but she resists. Hugo is pissed as the girls all ooh and ah. Hugo jumps the guardrail, runs up and knocks Conrad out with a right hook. Albert and Rosie faint*
W: Hahaha
*Mrs. Peterson says showbusiness is dead, who wants to buy a record from a guy with a glass jaw*
W: Hahahahaha
*Albert tells Mrs. Peterson that his career may be dead but he’s gonna make a fortune for inventing speed*
W: Breaking Bad in 1963.
*Mrs. Peterson and her suitor have gotten married and Albert gives his blessing. She gives her blessing for Albert and Rosie to get married and go to Niagra Falls. Harry and Doris say their family honor is restored due to Hugo knocking out Conrad. Albert and Rosie go into That’s My Rosie*
W: Awwwww
*Hugo and Kim are back together and they go into their own number*
W: This is probably the highlight of this kid’s life.
A: He knocked out Conrad and got his girl back.
W: In real life if he knocked out Elvis Presley on the Ed Sullivan Show he would have been arrested immediately.
*Kim sings Bye Bye Birdie to end the movie*
W: Ok, either that’s not her voice or she’s singing bad on purpose.
A: It could be an overdubbed record.
W: Could be.
*No end credits*
W: A star is born, Ann Margret.
A: So you liked it?
W: No, I only laughed a million times.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 7. There were entertaining numbers, it had a simple story to follow. Not overly complex. I enjoyed it.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7 out of 10. Musicals could go either way but this one was very entertaining.
Final Grade: 7 out of 10 – Great.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
W: That was a fun watch. The backstory of how this was written about Elvis and almost had him starring in it makes it even better. Musicals aren’t for everyone but this one was well worth it to watch. And now for your viewing pleasure America and I will take off our clothes and perform Jailhouse Rock.
A: That’s exac….what???
W: April Fools.
A: You’re a dick.
W: Have a pleasant evening.
Warlock's Movie Realm 