The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass bottle of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock makes flame appear in.his hand before he closes it and walks inside*
Warlock: Halloween Month continues at the Realm with a little contribution from Thug D.
*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with metal band patches, Metallica t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*
D: Glad to be of service.
Warlock: Tonight we look at The Mutilator. A 1984 slasher about an insane father looking to take his rage out on his son and his friends. Think Peter McCallister at the end of Home Alone 2.
D: That..comparison doesn’t work at all.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: Alright let’s get going with The Mutilator.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A teenager who accidentally committed matricide finds himself being hunted together with his girlfriend and mates by his now crazed father.”
D: Huh…and people accused my dad of child abuse for slapping my hand for dropping the dish soap.
*Movie opens with a house with trees and a birthday cake*
Warlock: Happy birthdayyyyyyy
D: I made this store bought cake just for you honey.
*Mom (Pamela Weddle Cooper) prepares the cake as Ed Jr (Trace Cooper) pulls out a loaded gun from the cabinet and accidentally shoots her dead*
Warlock: Hahahahahaha nice shooting reverend.
D: Can I have some lemonade mom? Mom? Mom?
*Ed Sr (Jack Chatam) comes home from work, sees Mom on the ground and backhand slaps Ed Jr*
D: I would have blamed it on a burglar.
*Ed Jr runs away. Ed Sr drags the corpse to the couch, he sits down and has a shot of whiskey*
Warlock: So instead of calling for an ambulance, he just drinks.
D: The moral of the story is: Kids, don’t play with guns.
*Older Ed Jr (Matt Mitler) is drinking at a bar. Two girls and a guy banter. Green Scarf dude says Ed has a phone call*
Warlock: Its the coroner. The mom is alive.
*Ed gets a phone call from his dad. One of the girls tells the group of Ed’s sorry past. Green scarf is Ralph (Bill Hitchcock). Ed Sr hangs up on Ed Jr. Ed Jr says “I don’t believe it”
D: I just got grounded guys.
*Ed Jr is miffed because Ralph drank his beer. He has to go get another*
Warlock: Smash the bottle over Ralph’shead.
*The friends convince Ed to let them stay at his condo for the weekend. Ralph brings his girl Sue (Connie Rogers). Ed can’t get the car to start so Ralph has a beer. Really cheesy theme song followed by the opening credits*
Warlock: Fall Break?
D: Yeah, there’s two titles.
Warlock: Love the Randy Newman soundtrack. Takes off the runtime.
*Ed’s car overheats. They buy beer at the convienience store. Ralph says a senior discount is discriminatory and he deserves it himself. The clerk (Fred Tillery) and his wife (Jenny Grice) con Ralph into buying two six packs*
Warlock: What an idiot!
*Fall Break the song continues*
Warlock: What a happy theme song. Nothing’s going wrong in this movie. Everything is awesome.
*Ralph takes a piss and they play a prank by driving off without him*
Warlock: Him pissing is an integral part of the movie.
*Pam (Ruth Martinez) is one of the girls. The other is Linda (Frances Raines). The jock is Mike (Morey Lampley). Ed says there are no cops*
Warlock: That’s gonna be a big help.
*Ed says his father is a trophy hunter. Mike finds a picture of some mutilated guy and Ed casually says his father ran him over with a speedboat*
Warlock: What the hell?
*Sue picks up a fishing hook*
Warlock: That’s our murder weapon!
*Ed parades around with shark mouth around his head. He tells an uncomfortable story about his father throwing things against the wall*
D: Great story…can we leave now?
*Ed Jr says “Let’s go upstairs” and we cut to the garage*
Warlock: The garage is upstairs?
*Ed Sr is sleeping in the garage. Ed Jr tells a story about a Yucatan mask*
Warlock: Is this a movie or a history channel special?
*Pam complains that a battle axe is missing, she says he should call the police*
D: Hello officer, somebody stole an object off the wall. I’m not sure what it is but its stolen!
*Mike makes out with Linda and massages her ass*
Warlock: Now we’re getting somewhere. Bet it smells as good as it looks.
*Ralph and Sue look out at the ocean*
Warlock: Where was this filmed?
D: Somewhere down south?
*Ed Jr and Pam cuddle close*
D: Just so ya know honey, everybody but us are gonna have sex. Sorry dear.
Warlock: That’s okay, that’ll save their lives.
*The group sits by the fire as Ed Sr has dreams of killing young Ed*
Warlock: I’m sure my dad wanted to do that to me sometimes.
*Mike and Linda explore the garage while Ed Sr looks on from the closet. She challenges Mike to throw a diamond against the wall like Ed Sr did*
Warlock: That’s gonna come into play soon.
*Mike and Linda go to the closet where Ed Sr holds the battle axe. Pam calls them away just in time*
D: Damn, guess we just have to go up to bed.
*Pam puts the top up on the car as Ed Sr looks on*
D: *Whistles the Jeopardy theme*
Warlock: Dun dun….dun dunnnnnn
*Shaky camera walks down the beach*
Warlock: The prequel to Blair Witch Project.
*Group eats dinner. Pam makes a duty roster for the weekend*
Warlock: Well if they all get killed tonight, at least they don’t have to do chores tomorrow.
*Mike and Linda go for a walk on the beach with a sappy sitcom song playing*
D: Haha fooled you, this is a sitcom not a horror movie.
*Ed, Pam, Sue and Ralph play Monopoly*
Warlock: I got dibbs on Baltic Avenue.
*The group abandons the game to go find Mike and Linda, leaving the door wide open*
D: Any burglars out there, we left the door wide open!
*Mike and Linda find a pool area with a big top overhead*
Warlock: I’ve never seen that.A tarp that covers the acre, not the pool.
*Mike and Linda strip to go into the pool with a piano theme*
Warlock: Cheers theme for no reason.
*Ed stalks the rest of the kids*
Warlock: He’s gonna kill them all for leaving the door open.
D: “We still got cake left over, if ya want it!”
*Mike and Linda frolic in the pool with the sitcom theme*
Warlock: This is a happy fucking movie I gotta say. Nothing’s going wrong.
*Ed and Pam talk about making love*
D: So basically they have to sit in their room while everyone else has sex.
*Mike and Linda continue to frolic around*
Warlock: Alright can we progress the story now?
*Linda floats up with her tits out*
Warlock: There we go, this is no longer the worst movie of all time.
*A pair of hands drag Linda into the pool. Mike dives under water and misses Ed Sr dragging Linda out of the pool and taking Mike’s clothes*
D: Haha, “I stole your woman and your clothes”
*Mike finds a trail of his clothes leading somewhere*
Warlock: He’ll be fully dressed in 10 minutes.
*Mike runs into a cardboard cutout*
Warlock: That cardboard cutout won best supporting actor.
*A bra is dropped in front of him*
Warlock: Well he ain’t gonna be wearing that.
D: You never know.
*Mike finds her underwear on the door. He opens it and Ed Sr kills him with a buzzsaw. Mike still acts like he’s being cut after Ed Sr is done*
Warlock: He’s still flailing and he’s not being cut. Horrible acting.
*Ed Sr drags Mike’s corpse away along with Linda’s, he hangs them on spikes*
Warlock: 2 down 4 to go.
*A cop asks Ed Jr what’s going on. Ed explains the situation and the cop says its a graveyard around here*
Warlock: How prophetic was that?
*The cop (Ben Moore) radios the station before snooping around the condo. Ed Sr kills him with a machete to the mouth then chops his head off with the axe*
Warlock: Okay that was cool.
*Pam says to head back. They get back to the condo. Ralph plays a prank and Pam takes him down with a judo flip*
D: Not one fuckin hotel on that Monopoly game, these guys suck.
*Ed Jr says they’ll play blind man’s bluff*
Warlock: Yeah, what can go wrong here?
*Sue is “it”, Ed Jr, Ralph and Pam walk outside while Sue wanders around inside. Ed Sr stalks around outside with the axe*
Warlock: You’re killing the hired help buddy!
*Ralph, Ed Jr and Pam join in and starts bumbling around*
Warlock: Have you ever played that?
Warlock: Me neither.
*Ralph finds Pam and they hide under the table together*
D: He tried grabbing her boobs too.
*Ed Sr wanders around as Ed Jr finds everyone and offers them beer*
Warlock: Ed wins, gatorade shower time!
*They go to bed. Ed and Pam go to bed, Sue and Ralph as well. Pam tells Ed she doesn’t want to have sex*
Warlock: So much for him.
*Ed Sr hangs the head of the Cop against a spike*
D: Welcome to my gallery of suicide!
*Sue makes Ralph lock up. She sticks her chest out and says she has something to show him when he gets back. He gets dressed in fast motion and runs out the door*
D and Warlock: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!
*Ralph curses up and down and goes downstairs. He wanders and bumbles around talking to himself*
Warlock: Well they had to stretch this movie out somehow.
*Ralph goes to the garage and finds Linda’s underwear, he celebrates. He throws a diamond into the wall then hangs underwear on it*
Warlock: Hurry up already.
*Ed Sr stabs Ralph in the throat with a pitchfork, hangs him on the door and shuts it*
Warlock: 4 down, 3 to go.
*Sue goes to investigate the garage*
Warlock: You know what would be funny. If they actually STAYED in bed. There would be no movie. Ed would be wandering around the garage waiting for them to show and he’d be like “Where the fuck are these guys?” He’d fall asleep waiting for them.
*Pam goes to investigate and finds a hanging mannequin. “Go bed damn you Ralph”. Pam gets freaked out as Ed Sr grabs the fishing hook. Pam wakes Ed Jr up and says everyone’s missing. She forces him out of bed. Ed “Not sleeping together is one thing, not sleeping at all is something else!”
*Sue runs into Pam and Ed Jr and she’s scared. Pam says to drive out of there. Sue refuses to leave until they find Ralph. She convinces Pam and Ed Jr to stick around to go look. They run off and Ed Sr grabs Sue by the throat. He then sets her on a table and shoves the fish hook in her vagina*
Warlock: *His jaw drops for 5 seconds then speaks* WOAH HEY!
*As she’s hooked, Ed Sr decapitates her with the axe*
Warlock: *stands and applauds* I’ll drink to that!!!
*Pam and Ed Jr finds all the dead bodies and Pam freaks out. Ed Sr walks up to them*
D: This guy’s not gonna win dad of the year award.
*Ed Jr and Ed Sr whack each other with blunt objects but Ed Sr’s force is stronger, Ed Jr is out cold. Ed Sr drags him away as Pam looks on*
Warlock: Yeah just stand there, don’t help him or anything.
*Ed Sr goes to finish him off but Pam stops him by throwing rocks at him. He stabs Ed Jr in the leg and she catches him in the temple with one of the diamonds. She rushes him with a fishing knife and guts him in the shoulder above the heart*
Warlock: That wasn’t the heart, she got him in the shoulder.
*Pam cuts Ed free and drags him away*
Warlock: Wow, HE’S the damsel in distress and she’s the badass.
*Pam “You think he’s dead?” Ed “Yes he’s dead, they’re all dead!”
*The car won’t start*
Warlock: As usual.
*Ed Sr stumbles over as Pam uses Ed Jr’s belt as a tourniquet. Pam notices Ed Sr is gone. He jumps on the roof and tries to cut his way in. She uses the cigarette lighter to burn him. Ed screams*
Warlock: So diamond’s to the head dont hurt but THAT does?
*A patrol car drives up as Pam hits the reverse and crushes Ed Sr against a cinderblocked wall, cutting him in half*
Warlock: Ohhhh yeahhhh.
*The second cop (John Bode) investigates and Ed Sr cuts his leg off with the axe, laughing before dying*
Warlock: Hahahaha what?
*Ed Jr walks over to Pam in the hospital and says hi. End credits*
Warlock: That’s the ending?? They didn’t explain shit.
Thug D’s Assessment: 8 out of 10, this is a fun little movie. It was clearly first time actors so I give it a pass. There are definitely worse movies out there and the gore effects were amazing. I’ve never seen a woman get a hook through her vagina, especially in 1984.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6 out of 10. The acting was atrocious and the storyline was really stupid. He INVITED his son to do work so he could kill his friends? Give me a break. The soundtrack didn’t fit at all…but I loved the gore. Nudity is a plus, some of the jokes were funny. So it was fun, heavily flawed by fun.
Final Grade: 7 out of 10: Great
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: One of the rare times someone likes a movie more tgan me. I found it extremely frystrating because there was so much to like about it even with all the plot holes. It still was a good movie even if flawed. Definitely worth a look if you can find it. That about wraps up another good movie. Have a pleasant evening.