*The Warlock opens the door to his lair, he’s wearing a black leather jacket, t-shirt, gargoyle shades, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a diamond studded goblet of Dr Pepper *
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots fire into the sky then enters the lair*
Warlock: Tonight’s tale is a little different. Rather than go with straight up horror movies all month, we’re going to switch it up a little. Tonight…
*Warlock’s phone buzzes as Mr. America throws open the door to the lair. He’s wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: Snorlax outside, lets go.
*Warlock runs out the door with America and they hold their phones up*
America: This way.
Warlock: No, go left.
*America’s phone buzzes*
*Warlock and America start slinging pokeballs on their phone*
Warlock: The Pokemon Broke Free. I hate that shit.
America: God damn raspberries dont work.
Warlock: Damn great ball dont work either.
America: Fuck this I’m using an ultra ball.
Warlock: Got em!
America: Bout fuckin time. Let’s go.
*Warlock and America walk back inside*
America: What a game!
Warlock: As I was saying. Tonight’s movie is Cyborg!
*America sits in the recliner*
America: The Jean Claude Van Damme movie?
Warlock: Yup, the 1989 action movie.
*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get started with Cyborg.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A martial artist hunts a killer in a plague-infested urban dump of the future.”
*Opening voice-over from Fender saying the world got the plague and scientists were trying to restore the world….against his wishes*
Warlock: Happy dude.
*Fender (Vincent Klyn) is chasing Pearl (Dayle Haddon) and some guy. The guy is being chased by pirates. Two of them kick his ass*
Warlock: Who are these guys?
*Fender says he doesn’t want the cure because he likes the world the way it is. He cuts the dude’s throat and his minions wipe the blade*
Warlock: Real friendly dude huh?
*Opening credits followed by Pearl on the run from bandits. Gibson Rickenbacker (Jean Claude Van Damme) saves the day*
Warlock: Hey, who’s that?
America: Van Damme.
*Pearl thanks and then scans Gibson. She wants his help to take her to Atlanta to help cure the plague. She removes her wig to reveal her cybernetic mainframe*
*Pearl says she’s a cyborg*
Warlock: Well there’s your plot right there, defend the cyborg and bring her to Atlanta.
*Fender’s gang show up and knocks Gibson loopy. Fender holds up the head of the dude from earlier and says HE’LL take her to Atlanta. Meanwhile Gibson later punches his way out of the rubble*
America: Yeah you really showed that cardboard. Btw if she’s a cyborg that means no love interest.
*Fender’s gang sets fire to slum. Fender says he can’t swim and hates the water. Fender kills a few people*
Warlock: Good way to establish the heel.
*Fender takes a boat to Atlanta while Gibson stares at the fire*
Warlock: So far this guy’s done nothing.
America: Yes he has, stared intently.
*Gibson knocks a woman out that was spying on him*
Warlock: I hate to say it but there’s your love interest.
America: Looks like I spoke too soon.
*Gibson flashes back to when someone else paid him to be a slinger. He looked after them until he cuts the flashback with a little girl screaming and Fender smiling*
Warlock: That no good bastard Fender has something to do with this.
America: The hell?
*The woman grabs a nearby stick and hides it. She pops up and says she knows where she’s going. Gibson asks why she’s still alive, she said she hid*
Warlock: I don’t believe her.
*Gibson “I’m gone”
Warlock: No you’re not, youre still here.
*Woman wants to help Gibson because her family died of the plague. He says he doesn’t care about the plague, he wants Fender*
Warlock: Revenge is on his mind.
*Gibson blows her off but she continues to follow him*
Warlock: Are we ever gonna get a name?
*Some dude earlier was Marshall Stratt (Alex Daniels). Meanwhile Gibson says he was watching over her*
America: What a guy.
*Gibson gets the scoop from the bartender where to find Fender. The woman’s name is Nady Simmons (Deborah Richter). Meanwhile Gibson has more flashbacks while talking to the bartender Maze. Maze asks what happens when he kills Fender*
America: Then he fights more douchebags…then another….then more.
*Some kid bouncing a ball (Patrick Barley) gets his ball stolen by some pirate and Gibson kicks his ass to give the ball back to the kid. His mother (Nena Barley) nods at him*
America: Awww he has a heart.
*Tough looking guys on Fender’s ship sharpen weapons*
Warlock: Look at these bad looking dudes.
*Nady and Gibson continue walking through the wasteland. Pirates attack and Nady takes off*
America: Good on her for running away and not standing there.
*Gibson attacks and kills pirates*
America: Walker Texas Ranger school of bad guys raises its head again.
*After finishing the last guy off, the guy falls off a building and screams*
*Nady goes skinny dipping*
Warlock: This is not the worst movie of all time.
*Nady by the fire wants Gibson but he turns her down*
Warlock: Ohhhhh, REJECTED!
*Gibson has a flashback of him getting it on with the girl from the flashback*
Warlock: That’s why.
*Gibson is after Fender as some woman looks at Pearl*
Warlock: You now I’m getting tired of them not naming anyone.
America: You’ll live.
*Pearl has a flashback of her own of how she was created and sent with Marshall*
Warlock: That explains a little bit.
*Fender instructs Brick (Ralf Moeller) to take out Gibson and Nady*
Warlock: Oh boy, time to fight.
*Pirates stalk Gibson and Nady*
America: How much time is left?
Warlock: An hour.
*Gibson swings a lead pipe like Tarzan and kills a few pirates before he spots Fender*
Warlock: Too early for the fight.
*Fender stands over Nady’s body and Gibson walks toward him. Gibson takes out another pirate and Fender shoots him in the arm*
Warlock: Yeah, too early.
*Haley (Haley Peterson) walks toward Gibson. Gibson recognizes her as the little girl (Kristina Sebsastian) from his flashback. Gibson looks on in horror as Haley takes Fender’s side. Gibson throws a knife and runs for it*
Warlock: Now he REALLY wants Fender dead.
*Brick chases Gibson as Gibson takes out the two henchmen guarding Pearl. He checks Nady’s pulse and picks her up in a fireman’s carry. He tells Pearl to come on but she says no. She’ll go along with him for now, she tells him to scram*
Warlock: Too late, there’s Brick.
*Gibson runs with Nady on his shoulders outside. Brick, Fender and the gang chase hm but Gibson escapes through the sewers. Brick stalks Gibson but Gibson’s got the drop on him by doing a split in the doorway*
America: How can Brick not see him? When he was 20 feet back, how did he not see him then?
Warlock: He’s deaf, dumb and blind apparently.
*Gibson stabs and kills Brick with a large sword. His partner screams*
America: How is that going to help?
*Nady is now conscious and they escape the sewer. Meanwhile the pirates find Brick dead*
Warlock: So much for him.
*Female goon attacks Nady, Gibson goes one on one with another pirate*
Warlock: Once again I’d like some names.
*Gibson is overwhelmed by 4 pirates*
Warlock: Once again they’re attacking one by one.
*Gibson is down for the count*
America: Is he gonna make the classic mistake of capturing him and bringing him back?
Warlock: Of course. Wouldn’t be much of a movie if he didn’t.
*Fender shows up and they go one on one. Fender beats him all over the beach*
Warlock: So much for the one on one fight.
America: Still early, remember.
*Fender headbutts and knocks out Gibson. His gang (all 6 of them) look up to see Gibson crucified. Haley looks sad as Gibson wakes up. They have a full 3 minute scene of just staring*
Warlock: Jesus H Christ, hurry this up.
*Gibson on the cross has a flashback of holding younger Haley as his lover says he’s good with them. His flashback has Fender sneaking up on him sleeping with the lover*
Warlock: Fuck it, don’t name anyone. I give up.
*Flashback has Haley taken hostage as Fender has Gibson, lover and lover’s brother tied up as Fender makes young Haley grab barbed wire*
Warlock: That’s gonna hurt.
*Fender says if she can hold on, they live. Gibson in real time tries to kick his way off the cross*
Warlock: Its working.
*Young Haley lets go of the barbed wire and the trio tumble into the well. Gibson stops kicking as in the flashback, Gibson climbs out of the well alone. The other two are dead*
Warlock: Holy shit.
*The cross breaks and Gibson crashes to the ground. Nady stands over him and cuts him loose*
Warlock: Where did she come from?
America: She got knocked out.
*Pearl and Fender talk. He doesn’t trust her and yells at her as they walk through a junkyard*
Warlock: Wanna buy a used car?
Warlock: Well they made it to Atlanta.
*Pirates stumble around Atlanta*
Warlock: 17 minutes left, can we end this please?
*Gibson fires arrow directly in front of Fender*
Warlock: Why didn’t he take him out? He had the clean shot and he wouldn’t have seen it coming?
America: Too easy.
*Fender sends his men after Gibson. “MOOOOVE” Gibson attacks as Nady grabs Pearl and runs. More henchmen are dispatched. Last remaining female henchwoman and Nady goes one on one while last male remaining goes one on one with Gibson. Gibson spinkicks the male into fire and he falls into a gas line…KABOOM. Meanwhile Nady guts the woman*
Warlock: Now its time for the finale.
*Fender and Gibson go one on one with Haley behind Fender. Fender once again gets the upperhand and slams Gibson’s head with a car door until Haley shouts to stop. Fender stalks Haley and Nady interferes, getting stabbed in the process. She falls and Gibson screams. Gibson “FENDER!!!’ Fender “FUCKER!!!”
America: Can’t imagine how long it took them to memorize the dialogue for this scene.
*Gibson gets a second wind and goes on the attack. Finally Gibson guts him with his own machette*
Warlock: About fucking time. This movie gave us nothing. Most of the movie was visual and dialogue was “aggghhhhhhh, gaghhhhhh, arghhhhh”
*Gibson hugs Haley but Fender pops up and strangles him. Gibson headbutts him and they fight again*
Warlock: So is this round 3 or 4?
America: I don’t know.
*Gibson finally kicks the crap out of Fender and spinkicks him into a grappling hook, impaling him*
Warlock: If he comes back again…
*Pearl wakes up and goes outside to inspect the damage. Gibson and Haley stand over Nady in the rain*
Warlock: Wouldn’t that fry her circuits?
*Gibson is sad Nady is dead*
Warlock: Haley better get away from him, everyone he gets close to dies.
*The Boss greets Pearl and Gibson is asked to stay. Gibson and Haley walk out. Pearl says she feels HE’S the cure for this world*
Warlock: Yeah, the cure for the bubonic plague is Jean Claude Van Damme.
America: Sturdiest door I’ve seen all movie.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4.
The Warlock’s Assessment: This was awful. I give it a 4. Hardly any dialogue, the action was good but the bad guys weren’t named or developed at all. Fender made a great heel but was poorly developed…..just not well done.
Final Grade: 4 out of 10 – Bad
*Warlock gets up and chucks a drink coaster at the tv*
Warlock: That sucked! I was expecting Van Damme to kick ass but he was plain average most of the movie. It was convoluted and boring with Van Damme looking mortal. It wasnt a complete waste of time but it was pretty close. Well that about…
*America’s phone buzzes*
America: Electabuzz…lets go.
*America and Warlock run out of the lair*
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.