*The Warlock is at the base texting Lucindia when he gets a text from Thug D saying “its time.”
W: Its time.
*Mr. America comes out of the bathroom*
A: Time for what?
W: The Octagon.
A: What?
W: I got the Chuck Norris movie The Octagon for my birthday from Thug D. He told me he’ll tell me when the time is right to watch it. I just got a text saying “its time”
*Warlock puts the phone away and cues up the movie*
A: What’s The Octagon about?
W: If I remember correctly Chuck Norris beats up ninjas.
A: Will the “Chuck Norris school of bad guys” be in effect here?
W: Possibly, let’s get started.
Written by Leigh Chapman and Paul Aaron
Directed by Eric Karson
Cast:
Scott James (Chuck Norris)
Justine (Karen Carlson)
McCarn (Lee Van Cleef)
AJ (Art Hindle)
Aura (Carol Bagdasarian)
Seikura (Tadashi Yamashita)
Nancy (Kim Lankford)
Tibor (Larry D Mann)
Doggo (Kurt Grayson)
Kyo (Richard Norton)
Katsumo (Yuki Shimoda)
Duffy (Redmond Gleeson)
Pierre (Alan Chappuis)
Deadwyler (Brian Libby)
Meat (Ken Gibbel)
Greek (Cheyenne Rivera)
Truck drivers (Ted Duncan, Alan Marcus)
Ninja Instructor (Gerald Okamura)
Amy Lee (Jo McDonnell)
Sharkey (Jack Carter)
Quinine (Ernie Hudson)
Johann (Robert B Loring)
Square Dance Caller (Fenton Jones)
House Detective (Crane Jackson)
Drunk (Clarke Gordon)
News vendor (Ben Freedman)
Waitress (Shannon Scott David)
Desk Clerk (Elizabeth Carder)
Hostess (Kitty Beau)
Hatband (Aaron Norris)
Justine’s Killer (John Barrett)
Aide (Bill Beau)
One Armed Man (Enrique Lucero)
Scott’s Taxi Driver (Eric F Valdez)
AJ’s Taxi Driver (Gasper A Henaine)
Pilot (Carlos Romano)
Hotel Clerk (Mario Valdez)
Isawa The Teacher (John Fujioka)
Teenage Scott (Mike Norris)
Teenage Seikura (Brian Tochi)
Young Scott (Kevin Brando)
Young Seikura (Darrin Lee)
1st Lieutenant (John Shields)
2nd Lieutenant (Thad Geer)
Diplomat (Haven Earle Haley)
Male Assassin (Ben Perry)
Female Assassin (Janette Jilano)
Chauffer (Don Pike)
Nanny (Janell Twomey)
French Policeman (J Ross Imler)
Dancer (Barbara Bingham)
Flower Man (Joel Freeman)
Mr. Beedy (Tracey Walter)
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
W: “A martial artist must defeat a plan by ninjas to create a worldwide training camp for terrorists.”
A: Well judging by today’s real world, he didn’t do a very good job.
*Opening credits has Scott James whispering*
W: Why is he whispering?
A: I don’t know.
*Military score*
W: Relax fella.
*Group of unfriendlies walk down the road*
W: See the guy in the back wearing a turban?
A: What about him?
W: He’s evilllllllllll.
*A huge compound is shown*
W: If this is the training camp for terrorists then Scott James has failed already.
*Leader looks out*
A: He looks happy.
*A man and a woman bang a baby carriage into the diplomat’s limo*
A: Watch for the setup.
*A man and a woman assassinate a diplomat*
A: I called that one.
W: Look at the fake blood.
A: Fake gun too. Look how it has no top so the cartidge has no safe ejection point. Which way will it go? NOBODY KNOWS!
W: Hahahaha
*The man is shot but the woman gets away. Meanwhile Scott James hits up the opera*
W: Look at that suit.
*AJ insults his gf while Scott checks out the actress. Scott and the actress see the headline and Scott says the police got one of them. They get dinner for two*
W: Are they gonna say her name?
*Leader is Katsumo and he gives the order “Kill the family”
W: Of who?
*The actress is Nancy and Scott hears voices when he brings her home. Suddenly ninjas attack. Nancy is wounded and Scott kicks one of them through the window. Nancy’s whole family has been murdered. Scott calls the cops as he hears voices*
W: Is he a schizo?
*One of the recruits steps forward and falls through a platform*
W: Hahahaha
*The instructor says the lesson is expect the unexpected. Meanwhile AJ tells Scott that Nancy’s brother was the one shot in Paris that murdered the diplomat. Scott says that’s the ninjas style to kill the family. He drives in a car and remembers his old friend Seikura when they were children*
A: More talking to yourself.
*Scott meets McCarn, an ex-mercenary who knows that ninjas aren’t to be messed with. Scott says if he hears anything, let him know. McCarn “You’re always a gloomy SOB, I’m not.”
W: Hahaha.
*Quinine asks AJ if Scott was watching the karate classes*
W: Hey look its Ernie Hudson.
A: It is, wow.
*Terrorists camp watches sai drills*
W: Cool.
*A woman is in a ditch and asks Scott for help. He lets her drive his car in a circle to get hers out of the ditch. Its Justine*
W: There’s your love interest.
*Justine drives off with his keys*
W: Oops.
*Ninja camp has Detweiler taking on a ninja. Meanwhile Scott finds Justine’s house and she apologizes for taking the keys*
W: Did he run all the way there?
*Justine volunteers to drive him back but he says only if he drives*
W: Can we progress the story now?
*AJ finds Johan and asks about Nancy. Johan hits him and we get a chase scene*
W: Chase scene!
*Johan flicks a switchblade and is strangled from behind*
W: So much for handsome Harold.
*McCarn shows up and says AJ shouldn’t get mixed up in bad company. McCarn says to AJ don’t bother calling the cops but tell Scott about this. Meanwhile Justine asks why Scott hasn’t asked her out. He replies that she’s expecting it. All of a sudden a Lincoln and a red car pull out behind them. The red car shoots at Scott’s car. Justine says she knows who they are once they get away. Terrorists killed her father and she was the heiress to the publishing empire. Justine says her father and her two bodyguards were the ones murdered. Scott asks her out*
W: The last date he took home was killed.
*The terrorist conduct a drill to wake up. Two guys are slow and one of them is beaten up. Seikura says the body is asleep but the mind doesn’t. Meanwhile Scott hides in a tree as some white guys shoot at him*
W: Who are these guys and why is he in a tree?
A: All I know is there are thunderstorms.
*Scott finds the red car in the compound*
W: Ah okay.
*Scott makes it to his date and grills Justine why she is associated with McCarn. The truth is the men killed were McCarn’s men and Scott figures out the red car were McCarn’s men hired by Justine to earn his trust. The real plan is Justine wants Scott to kill Seikura. Two of the terrorists that killed her father have already been killed, Seikura is the last one left. Meanwhile AJ tells Scott that Nancy was apart of the terrorist cell with her brother. He reveals McCarn killed Johan and told him all this. Scott says they’re dealing with ninjas. AJ wants to get some action while Scott says to be patient. Scott finds McCarn’s help wanted ad in the paper*
A: He has a lot of inner monologues.
*Seikura has one of his instructors berate one of the French terrorists. The man gets mad and fights back but is beaten up by the teacher. French guy quits in English and goes to walk away when one of the ninjas kills him with a throwing star. Aura looks on worried*
W: There are no quitters here.
*A square dance is shown*
W: We go from ninjas to square dancing.
A: Rather interesting transition.
*Scott finds Mr. Beedy and a cowboy. Mr Beedy asks why Scott wants to join the merc team, Scott says he heard the money was good. Meanwhile the terrorist recruits run around a field and find of them down. Lying next to him was a ninja in disguise who grabs one of the students. The instructor says “trickery is his weapon.”
W: Say what you will but these are cool exercises.
*Beedy and his cowboy know he was Scott James*
W He looks like a tall Radar.
*Sharkey asks AJ where Scott is. Scott whispers to himself that he’s proud of AJ*
W: Schizo Norris.
*Flashback of teenage Scott and Seikura competing for a sword by running through and obstacle course. Scott grabs the sword first but Seikura accuses him of cheating. Seikura’s father disowns him and says he’s no longer Scott’s brother but lifelong enemy*
W: Just because he was mad he lost the race and accused him of cheating? No wonder he went nuts.
*Justine knows Scott and Seikura were once brothers. AJ shows up and admits he wants in. The cowboy from earlier sits nearby and overhears everything. Meanwhile back at the camp, the Leader tells the graduating class that any violation of the code is punishable by death. Seikura says goodbye and Aura walks off*
W: Ha, they didn’t do anything.
*AJ meets Scott and Scott says Justine is out for herself. AJ is bombed and tells Scott to give Sharkey a call. Meanwhile Scott’s voice says Doggo is not the answer*
W: Is that the cowboy?
*Aura asks Doggo what to do now. Doggo tells her to go outside with him. A whole gaggle of tough looking cowboys along with Scott are brought in for a meeting. Hatband and Longlegs check him out*
W: That’s Chuck’s brother Aaron.
*Doggo interviews Scott and Scott wants to learn ninja style but Doggo says they’ve never heard of ninjas. Doggo wants Scott to demonstrate for them and Hatband attacks. Longlegs and Hatband are beat up by Scott and Doggo trows him out. Aura figures out its Scott James. Doggo calls someone and says Scott is after them and “she” should be killed*
W: Uh oh, something….
A: Is afoot!
*Justine walks with AJ, hears a motor and she freaks out. McCarn and Scott talk about taking trips. McCarn says a man named Tibor is funding the terrorist camp, Doggo is just a frontman. McCarn wants Scott to assist but he refuses. Meanwhile two terrorist recruits fight until a ninja stops them. They stop and the ninja beats them up but doesn’t kill them*
W: They listened to me, you know how much I hate “Take out your own guy.”
*Scott wants to talk to Tibor alone. Tibor says he USED to finance them. His brother was killed in Munich but justice is for young men and terrorists are crazy. Scott asks Tibor where Seikura is and he says to ask Doggo. Tibor “The world doesn’t want to be saved, it just wants to be left alone.”*
W: True.
*Sharkey wants Scott to fight again but he refuses. Scott whispers to himself as he works out*
W: Why are we whispering?
*Flashback of teenage Seikura asking Scott if he’s afraid. Longlegs catches Aura stealing Scott’s file. Aura tells Longlegs to get lost because she was booked by Doggo in Egypt. She’ll die and Doggo gets the money. Longlegs says to give him the file and she beats him up*
W: Oh she’s gonna give it to you.
*Aura drives off as Scott continues to hear himself whispering. He goes to his room and Aura holds an uzi, asking him for help*
W: Funny way to ask for help.
*Scott remembers her from Doggo’s compound*
W: Time to explain EVERYTHING.
*Tibor says Doggo isn’t good at his job as 5 recruits have quit. Doggo says Seikura is a fanatic. Tibor says after Aura and Scott infiltrated, Seikura isn’t accepting anymore recruits. Doggo says its time for a bloodbath, Tibor doesn’t believe him. Aura gives her sob story to Scott but Justine knocks on the door*
W: That gun isn’t going to help.
*Justine tells Scott she can’t find AJ. She asks who Aura is but he stones her. Justine says AJ went after Seikura and Justine says she led him to it because Scott refused. Justine gets frustrated and says if Scott won’t find him, she will. Scott asks Aura where the training camp is but she doesn’t really know*
W: Nobody knows nothing.
*AJ is in the lobby and Justine tries to stop him from leaving. Justine walks outside and is shot in the throat with a poison dart by one of the terrorist recruits. AJ and McCarn run up to her, she’s dead. McCarn says they need to do something*
W: These ninjas managed to piss everyone off.
*McCarn says to get Scott down there now. Scott gets a phone call and tells Aura to wait there. He goes outside to meet McCarn and McCarn admonishes Scott for taking inaction. AJ is already gone and McCarn says if Scott’s going to find Seikura he’ll need bodyguards. Scott goes back to Aura and says to take him to Seikura. She’s running away from him and Scott says he is too. Meanwhile ninjas scale the walls to attack Scott*
W: Spidermen.
*McCarn and his men finds Doggo and his crew. We get a shootout with Justine’s killer dying first. Meanwhile Scott is attacked by two ninjas. He slits one of their throats as Hatband is shot by McCarn’s right hand man. Scott and Aura take out the third man as McCarn shoots Doggo dead. The final ninja goes to escape but he’s shot by McCarn’s left hand man. The landlord tells Scott to keep the noise down*
W: Ha!
*Scott and Aura head to Central America to find Seikura and AJ is a lot further ahead. Scott and Aura are sharing a motel together and Aura asks why he’s treating her like a leper. They share bonding moments before hooking up. AJ is captured trying to infiltrate the camp. Seikura, Katsumo descend on him and take him prisoner. Aura and Scott make it to the camp as Scott’s whisper challenges himself if he can kill his brother and questions why it came to this. The prison that AJ is in is shaped like an octagon*
W: There’s the movie title.
*Scott kills a ninja up in a tree, Aura knocks some guys out*
W: Didn’t see that one coming did you, bitch?
A: HA!
*Ninja gets drop on Scott but he fights back and knocks him out*
W: Wow he actually got hit. Steven Seagal would be PISSED.
*Scott steals a sword and kills 3 ninjas*
W: How many of them are there?
*Scott drowns a ninja before knocking another out. He then hits up the marketplace and takes another one out Aura shows up with an AK-47*
W: Shits about to get real.
*The recruits try to escape as Scott wipes out a few more before he’s surrounded. AJ and Scott are taken prisoner and Seikura says welcome home. AJ says it was his fight, not Scott’s. Seikura tells Scott “You know the path” and lets him go*
A: We got a plan now.
*Scott wipes out a gaggle of ninjas one on one as he goes to rescue AJ*
W: Is this school of bad guys worthy?
A: Oh yeah.
*Scott kills the guy in the cloak as AJ fights his way to Seikura’s tower only he’s beaten up*
W: What did he expect to do?
*Scott wants Seikura to let AJ go. Seikura says his friend is waiting. The ninja enforcer walks into the octagon and we get a one on one sword fight between enforcer and Scott*
W: Time for the big fight.
*Enforcer and Scott go one on one and Enforcer holds his own*
W He’s going to have nothing left for Seikura.
*Ninja enforcer throws a star at the same time Scott throws a spike. Scott is hit in the shoulder while Enforcer is hit in the gut. Seikura finally slits AJ’s throat and Scott kicks Enforcer into a fire*
W: Wow, he failed to save ANYONE in this movie.
*Seikura and his men surround Scott as the recruits turn on the ninjas and figh them. A lot of the recruits try to save the burning marketplace as Aura rounds up her old friends to help. Scott fights off ninja after ninja to get to Seikura. Deadwiler kills Katsumo but is killed by a crossbow arrow. Aura and her buddy jump in a truck full of gas and send sit into the Octagon. They also blow up Seikura’s house but the crossbow guy kills the buddy. Aura goes apeshit with the machine gun on the ninjas*
W: This is the part of the movie where even if the bad guy were to win the final fight, he loses. Seikura’s compound is destroyed, his ninjas are dead and his recruits turned on him.
*Scott fights Seikura one on one. Scott says he doesn’t torment him anymore. The sun begins to rise as Scott impales Seikura who charges him. We cut to the rising sun as the credits roll*
W: Talk about a sudden ending.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5…boring but watchable.
Final Grade: 4.5 out of 10 – Below Average
*Warlock rises from the chair shaking his head*
W: I know its a Chuck Norris movie so bad acting and lots of action are expected but that was a bit of a let down. It wasn’t that good but hey, if you want to shut your brain off and enjoy Norris beat up ninjas, by all means you’re gonna love it.
A: You sure this was the right time to watch it?
W: Yeah, what else could he have meant?
*Warlock checks his texts. He’s got two new ones, one says “ITS TIME” and another says “ITS VADER TIME!”
W: Oh shit.
A: Let me guess, it wasn’t the right time.
W: No…it was just Vader time.
*America points to the sky*
W: Now get outta here before I give ya a slap!
Warlock's Movie Realm 