*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a platinum goblet of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
Warlock: Turns his head and the ground rumbles before he walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight we continue Halloween month with Basket Case!
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: Aren’t you one?
Warlock: Very funny.
America: I’m not kidding.
Warlock: Tonight’s movie is about a siamese twin that doesnt like his brother dating, so he takes matters into his own deformed hands.
America: What? Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: Let’s get this party started then. Basket Case!
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A young man carrying a big basket that contains his deformed Siamese-twin brother seeks vengeance on the doctors who separated them against their will.”
America: Well…at least the doctors didn’t kill one of the two.
*Opening credits with man in suit being stalked*
Warlock: If nothing else it makes the credits more bearable.
America: You mean THIS? Getting startled by a rustling bush?
*The man is Dr. Lifflander (Bill Freeman) and he tries calling the cops*
America: What year was this again?
America: That explains the rotary phone and typewriter.
*Lifflander hears something in the ceiling. Meanwhile someone cuts the phone line*
America: If he kept talking, he would have been successful. He deserves to go.
*Lifflander pulls out a .22 while somebody cuts the power. He screams “I’ve got a gun!”
Warlock: You can’t see anything.
*Lifflander shoots his gun until its empty blindly. Meanwhile he’s attacked by an unknown creature and blood splatters everywhere*
Warlock: Decent gore for 1982
*Duane (Kevin Van Hentenryck) walks down Times Square holding a basket as a drug dealer (Noel Hall) pushes his shit on him*
Warlock: I’ll take the Quaaludes.
*Duane walks by Hotel Broslin and asks for a room.Hotel Manager (Robert Vogel) says its 20 bucks a night*
Warlock: 20 bucks a night huh?
America: My how times have changed.
*Duane pulls out a huge stack of 20’s and Manager’s friends look on shocked*
Warlock: He’s gonna get mugged haha.
*Josephine (Dorothy Strongin) introduces herself*
America: So when this was released, was it theatrical or straight to DVD?
Warlock: STRAIGHT TO DVD??
America: My bad, you know what I mean.
Warlock: You’re an incompetent old sow!!
*An old man and a hooker go into a room*
Warlock: Great place to stay.
*Duane checks into his room*
America: I was expecting a lot worse looking room.
Warlock: Yeah really, that actually looks nice and neat. I’m stunned.
*Duane tells the basket that they are here then asks the Manager where food is. He returns to his room with food and opens the basket and starts feeding whatever is in there. Duane opens the phone book and looks up the two doctors left. Dr. Kutter (Diana Browne) and Dr. Needleman (Lloyd Pace) are the targets*
Warlock: Yay, a plot developing.
*Duane wakes up at 3:30 AM and starts talking to the basket. He argues with himself*
America: I haven’t heard the other one talk yet.
Warlock: That’s the point.
*Passing shot of NYC includes twin towers*
Warlock: Won’t see those no more.
*Casey (Beverly Bonner) introduces herself to Duane and says Drunk guy is snooping around after she catches him. Duane locks up the basket and says its time to pay a doctor a visit*
Warlock: The wrong guy is making the house call.
*Some annoying woman (Maria T Newland) protests the doctor’s prescriptions. Duane wants to see Dr. Needleman. He introduces himself as Duane Bradley but tells the nurse (Terri Susan Smith) not to use that name because he wants to surprise Needleman. Nurse then badgers Duane about tourist traps*
America: Give it a rest lady.
*Duane walks into Needleman’s office. Needleman tells him to put the basket down, take off his shirt and he’ll take a look. Duane removes his shirt and shows off his scar. Next frame shows Duane leaving and telling the nurse Needleman was surprised. Duane rejects the nurse’s advances in front of the basket but then whispers to ask her number*
*Duane picks up the basket and runs away. Meanwhile Needleman is pissed in his office. He calls Lifflander while Duane and the basket watch a martial arts movie in a theater while falling asleep*
Warlock: How riveting
*Duane looks over and the basket is gone. A thief (Tom Robinson) brings it into the bathroom and kicks the lock off. The monster in the basket bites his nose off as Duane runs in and says “Not now, later. Save it!”
Warlock: Yeah, that doctor they were supposed to kill but didn’t.
*Needleman continues to call Lifflander with no answer so he phones Kutter next. She’s on a date with someone (Chris Babson). Needleman screams that Lifflander is dead and the kid from Glenn’s Falls is after them. Kutter blows him off and goes back to her date*
Warlock: Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s home town. He’ll take care of this.
*Duane returns to his hotel room. Meanwhile the nurse leaves Needleman’s office. Duane appears after she leaves and unleashes the monster. He says to the monster to get the address book while he’ll be outside*
Warlock: Great plan.
*Needleman investigates a noise. He sees a whole door taken down and he makes a run for it. He barricades himself in a closet. The monster appears on the wall as a head with hands and it attacks Needleman*
Warlock: It looks like Jabba the Hutt’s henchman from Return of the Jedi.
America: It looks like a fucked up Mr. Potato Head.
*The monster kills Needleman and takes the address book. Monster slides down and regroups with Duane. Duane’s got Kutter’s address*
Warlock: Mission accomplished.
*Duane goes back to the hotel room. Duane feeds the monster and pulls out a TV set. He says he’s just doing recon work so Basket doesn’t have to come alone. Duane runs out and the tv doesn’t work*
Warlock: Would help if you fixed it up before you left.
*Duane knocks on a door, its the nurse. They go off on their date*
Warlock: He lied to the monster, I can’t believe that.
*Duane and the nurse share bonding moments*
America: Awwww isn’t dat cute.
*They share a kiss*
Warlock: Now we’re talkin.
*Monster pops out of the basket completely pissed off. It screams so loud Josephine coms over to investigate*
America: Don’t do it lady.
*The entire hotel comes to investigate*
*The manager and the drunk investigate Duane’s room. “It looks like a goddamn bomb hit this place” Manager says Duane’s been gone all day. Josephine says nobody came out. Meanwhile the Drunk spots the money that the monster left out. The drunk is O’Donovan (Joe Clarke). The manager rants and raves as he hushes everyone out of there. O’Donovan waits for everyone to leave before he enters the room to steal the money*
America: If he gets killed, he had it coming.
Warlock: Kill this piece of shit.
*Basket monster attacks and mutilates O’Donovan. Meanwhile Duane feels it*
Warlock: Oh, a stigmata.
*Josephine, Casey and the Manager find O’Donovan dead next to an open window*
Warlock: I hope he took the cash back.
*Duane comes back to the hotel with Nurse. He throws her against the wall when he hears what happened and says “He killed O’Donovan, I don’t want him killing you!”
America: Way to implicate yourself.
*The detective (Kerry Ruff) grills Duane in his room. He asks what’s in the basket and opens it, nothing is in there. Duane says he’s from Glenn’s Falls and says he was out all day with the nurse. Detective is satisfied and leaves with the Manager*
Warlock: Nope, nothing to see here.
*Monster is hiding in the toilet. Duane has a conversation with himself. He says he’s sorry for going on a date and he wouldn’t desert him. Next frame Casey is holding court at a bar. Duane’s there with the basket*
Warlock: Ha, he brought the basket along.
*Duane’s hammered. He slurs while talking to Casey. They get hammered together. Duane admits he’s a letter sorter back home. Casey asks what’s in the basket, Duane says his brother. He says they are siamese twins while they laugh with each other. Duane says he’s deformed and looks like a squashed octopus. He gives his real story that they were separated at birth after their mother died giving birth. They were the family secret. Duane’s been planning his revenge since they were born. Duane passe out on the bar and we get a flashback*
Warlock: Oh boy, flashback time.
*Duane’s Father (Richard Pierce) laments the brother being born and his wife dying. Meanwhile a social worker (Ilze Balodis) tells Duane’s Aunt (Ruth Neuman) that he needs to examine the boys. Young Duane (Sean McCabe) shows his brother still attached. Next frame show Duane’s Father talking to Lifflander, Kutter and Needleman saying to separate Duane from the “thing”*
Warlock: Decent flashback.
*The dining room has been turned into the operating ward*
America: How long did it take to prep that?
*Duane and the brother are separated*
Warlock: At least they explained it.
*Young Duane is now separated from Belial. He finds him in a nearby trashcan*
Warlock: Least we got a name now.
*Duane’s father wakes up to Duane sawwing and hammering nails in the basement*
Warlock: Tim Allen’s Tool-Time live.
*Duane/Belial built a buzz-saw that slices the father in half*
Warlock: Ohhhhh yeahhhhh
*The aunt tells Duane and Belial that they’re home free. Duane hugs the aunt. Next frame the aunt tells a story to Duane and Belial before Duane stands over her casket*
Warlock: That was one long flashback.
*Back in present time, Casey leads Duane and Belial in the basket to his room.Casey falls on his bed with him and leaves him there. Duane pops up and gets the basket before passing back out. Casey goes to investigate the basket*
America: Don’t do it….don’t do it….she’s doing it.
*She opens the basket, its empty. The bloody file is next to it*
America: Wiuldn’t the bloody file be the first clue that something isn’t right?
*Casey leaves Duane’s room and returns to her own. Casey strips to her underwear*
Warlock: This just got better.
*Casey removes her bra but offscreen*
Warlock: Awwww booooooooo!!!!
*Casey returns with a shirt on*
*Casey takes her underwear off and gets into bed*
Warlock: This scene is completely pointless if Belial doesn’t attack.
*Belial pops out of the pillows and Casey screams bloody murder. The entire hotel comes to investigate. Josephine holds her close as the Manager finds nothing in the room but the window open*
Warlock: Well nothing to see here.
*Manager shoos everyone away. “This ain’t a subway station!!!”
America: Not many people have died.
Warlock: 2 doctors and the thief by my count. All bad guys.
*Belial slinks back into the basket with Casey’s underwear*
Warlock: How does he get stiff if he has no genitalia?
*Manager “This ain’t a hotel its a nuthouse!”
Warlock: The manager’s the best character.
*Duane wakes up and tells Belial to get this over with. They make it to Kutter’s office, she’s a vet. Duane sits in the waiting room where two twin nurses (Florence and Mary Ellen Shultz) lead Duane into Kutter’s office. Duane then reveals Belial is in the basket but Kutter recognizes him. She thinks he’s there to thank him. She tries to threaten him but Duane sicks Belial on her. She screams*
America: Love how no one hears her screaming.
Warlock: They do, they just don’t care.
*Kutter drops Duane with a back handed slap as one of the nurses bangs on the door. Kutter makes it to the drawer but drops the scalpel. Duane puts Belial back in the basket and the twin nurses open the door to see Kutter screaming with several scalpels sticking out of her face*
Warlock: Nice visual for 1982.
*The nurse, now known as Sharon, confronts him. Needleman is dead and she’s scared. She hugs him and Duane is dumbfounded. He invites Sharon in the room*
America: You’re asking for trouble letting her in.
*Sharon hugs Duane and they kiss*
Warlock: I think its a little late for the pointless sex scene.
America: I think its going to be interrupted.
Warlock: Oh wait…they’re linked. If Duane gets horny, so will Belial. Belial can’t do anything about it so he’ll freak out.
*Sharon “Take me Duane!” Suddenly Belial pops up. Duane holds her down and throws her out of the room. She knocks on the door as Duane tries to get Belial back in the basket*
Warlock: He should have locked it first.
America: THE LOCK IS BUSTED!
Warlock: Oh yeah.
America: Wowwwwwww, yeah that would have worked.
*Sharon runs away*
America: Oh my good god.
*Belial escapes the basket and uses glowing eyes*
America: They’re using the Gumby animation to get him moving.
Warlock: That’s how they did it in 1982.
America: Although he’s not nearly as kind as Gumby.
*Belial hops up on the windowsil and screams*
Warlock: Is that all it can do is scream?
America: Yeah this is getting old.
*Duane has a dream he’s running down the street naked*
America: What the hell?
Warlock: Oh sureeeee, we have to see his naked balls but not Casey. Sureeeeeeee…..pfft.
*Duane visualizes Sharon sleeping. He exposes her breasts*
Warlock: Ok that’s better.
*Duane wakes up and realizes that it wasn’t him visualizing, it was Belial for real. Sharon wakes up and sees Belial on top of her. She screams and he attacks. He kills her as Duane runs in and stuffs him back in the basket*
Warlock: He’s gonna have some serious explaining to do.
*Duane screams at Belial in the basket all the way into his hotel room as the patrons look on confused. Casey runs in the room as Belial pops out and grabs Duane by the balls*
*Belial and Duane fall out a window and hang from the neon sign. Belial and Duane fall to their deaths as everyone looks on shocked*
America: Have fun explaining that one.
Warlock: At least its over.
Warlock: Oh well.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5.5. It wasn’t great but it didn’t suck either.
Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: I thought it was okay. It wasn’t the worst but it wasn’t the best either. It had its moments and an easy to follow plot even if its farfetched. That about wraps up another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.