*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of Barq’s Root Beer*
W: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and walks in*
W: Today is a special day here at Warlock’s Movie Realm.
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat with black combat boots and aviator shades*
A: Halloween isn’t for another week, how is this a special day?
W: Not on this specific day, but this month marks the 25th anniversary of the release of STARGATE!
A: Wait, the TV show or the movie?
W: The movie. Kurt Russell and James Spader travel across the universe to fight Egyptian gods.
A: I remember this movie, its actually good.
W: You bet your bippy it is.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
W: So let’s get started with Stargate.
Written by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich
Directed by Roland Emmerich
Cast:
Colonel Jack O’Neil (Kurt Russell)
Dr. Daniel Jackson (James Spader)
Ra (Jaye Davidson)
Catherine Langford (Viveca Lindfors)
Skaara (Alexis Cruz)
Sha’uri (Mili Avital)
General W.O. West (Leon Rippy)
Lt Kawalsky (John Diehl)
Anubis (Carlos Lauchu)
Horus (Djimon Hounsou)
Kasuf (Erick Avari)
Lt. Ferretti (French Stewart)
Nabeh (Gianin Loffler)
Freeman (Christopher John Fields)
Brown (Derek Webster)
Reilly (Jack Moore)
Porro (Steve Giannelli)
Assistant Lieutenant (David Pressman)
Officer (Scott Alan Smith)
Sarah O’Neil (Cecil Hoffman)
Barbara Shore (Rae Allen)
Gary Meyers (Richard Kind)
Mitch (John Storey)
Jenny (Lee Taylor-Allan)
Technician (George Gray)
Young Catherine Langford (Kelly Vint)
Professor Langford (Erik Holland)
Taylor (Nick Wilder)
Arabic Interpreter (Sayed Badreya)
Horus Guards (Michael Concepcion, Jerry Gilmore, Michael Jean-Philippe, Dialy N’Daiye)
Professors (Gladys Holland, Roger Til, Kenneth Danziger, Christopher West, Kit West)
Companion (Robert Ackerman)
Masked Ra (Kieron Lee)
Young Ra (Dax Biagas)
Mastadge (Frank Welker)
Shepard Boy (Joseph Olea)
Villager (Tim Sauer)
Newspaper Guard (Philip L Tomalin Jr)
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
W: “An interstellar teleportation device, found in Egypt, leads to a planet with humans resembling ancient Egyptians who worship the god Ra”
A: Mmm, I’m gonna go on a limb and say some aliens get shot.
*Movie opens with credits inside a temple*
A: Don’t startle the choir.
*Graphic “Egypt 1928*
W: Why do Egyptian movies always take place in the 1920’s?
*Dr. Langford inspects the archaeological site. A young Catherine looks over the treasure. Workers raise the circular portal*
W: Did you ever see the show?
A: Yeah.
*Present Day*
W: So nothing happened?
A: They just jumped ahead really far.
*Old Catherine Langford visits Dr. Daniel Jackson who’s giving a lecture on the Great Pyramids. Jackson has no idea who built the Pyramids, he’s laughed at and everyone walks out but one guy*
W: Like Rick Moranis in Honey I Shrunk The Kids.
*Langford has a picture of Jackson’s parents and recruits him for a job. He says he’s gonna leave but Langford knows all about his personal life. His grants ran out and he’s been evicted. She hands him travel info as he exits the car*
W: There would be no movie if he said no.
A: The End!
*Mrs. O’Neil answers the door and two members of the military ask to see Colonel Jack O’Neil. He’s in his son’s room as the wife lights up a cigarette*
W: The son must be dead if he’s in mourning.
*The two men inform Jack he’s been reactivated. As they leave they say Jack is a mess and its because his son accidentally shot himself*
W: Yeah that aughtta do it.
*Jackson sneezes everywhere as Dr. Gary Meyers and Barbara Shore introduce themselves to him. They’re in a remote facility in Colorado. Langford says welcome to the well. The hieroglyphics have been there since 1928*
W: That’s a long time.
*Jackson takes over the chalkboard and easily translates what took Gary years to decipher. Ra’s Stargate existed over 10,000 years earlier as Jack walks in under orders from General West with Lt. Kawalsky in tow*
W: John Diehl.
*Jackson takes over the project and Langford asks why. Jack is there in case Langford succeeds in opening the gate*
W: Of course.
*Jackson gets water for the coffee machine but then steals the paper out of the guard’s hands. He goes back to the Stargate and notices Orion on it*
W: What does it all mean Basil?
A: Heh.
*Jackson walks into the meeting with General West and the entire staff*
W: He drinks more coffee than Lumberg.
*Jackson begins his presentation as Jack walks in with a cigarette. He explains the hieroglyphics are actually star constellations*
W: Excuse me while I…
A: Smoke.
*Jackson explains the stars are actually a map and the gate is the means to travel. West shows Jackson the actual portal which was raised in 1928 earlier. Langford tells Jackson that this is the Stargate. Jackson says they need two guys praying in front of the Pyramid in order to make it work. Langford says he’s unlocked the seventh and final symbol*
W: Here we go.
*Langford’s crew begins to open the portal as Langford tells Jackson this is the furthest they’ve ever come to opening it. One of the computer techs drops a pencil out of his mouth*
W and A: Ha!
*West orders armed guards to surround the gate as a probe is launched into it. They track the probe across the stars into the Kaliam galaxy on the other side of the universe. They lose the signal but not before giving info that the other side is inhabitable. West wants to send a team over but not without a way back. Jackson volunteers to be the translator on the otherside that will go with Jack and his men. Langford hands the treasure she found in 1928 to Jackson as a gesture of good faith*
W: Time to go exploring.
A: Road trip!
*Jackson sneezes next to Private Brown*
W: That’s Isler from NCIS New Orleans.
*Jackson, Brown and the rest pass through the Stargate*
W: That would be funny if someone pulled him.
A: “Oh god my face!”
W: Nice CGI though.
*Jack and his men light up flares and three teams split up to explore*
A: Imagine if Jackson died?
W: There would be no movie.
A: There would be a movie but it would be called Stranded.
*Feretti, Kawalsky and Brown lead the troops outside to a sandy setting like Egypt*
W: I count 8 guys. Feretti, Kawalsky, Brown, Jackson, Jack and 3 others.
*They spot a pyramid like on Egypt in the distance*
W: That explains it.
*Jack wants everyone back through the gate within an hour. Jackson says he needs more time because there’s no tablets to decipher. Jack and Kawalsky figure out they can’t get home because Jackson doesn’t have the proper coordinates. Kawalsky shoves him down but Jack restores peace. Jack goes to set up a bomb*
W: In case they need to blow the place.
*Feretti bullies Jackson around as Kawalsky reports to Jack that base camp is up. Jackson eats a candy bar*
W: No product placement?
A: Nope.
*Jackson spots footprints leading away from the camp and finds a creature that looks like an elephant and a buffalo combined*
W: What the hell is that?
*Jackson tries to make peace with the animal by giving it the chocolate bar*
W: He made a new friend.
*Jackson is caught up in a rope as the animal drags him around*
A: I don’t think he can let go, he’s hooked.
W: If I were the military guys I’d be laughing my ass off.
*The animal licks Jackson awake as Jack, Brown and Kawalsky show up. Jack spots a civilization in the distance*
W: Jackson looks like Peter Criss in that image.
*The villagers spot Jack’s men*
A: You’ve been spotted.
W: Put the gun down, will ya?
*Jack orders Jackson to talk to them since he’s the linguist. He walks up and they all bow down*
W: Instant God.
A: Hahahahaha.
*Jack shakes a villagers hand and he runs off screaming*
W: Ha.
*Brown researches what minerals they’re mining. Kasuf shows up*
W: He’s in every Egyptian movie.
*Kasuf starts introducing himself but Jackson can’t make it out. They drink out of bowls*
W: Is it poisoned?
A: They’ll find out soon enough.
*Jackson offers a 5th Avenue bar to Kasuf*
W: There’s your product placement.
*Kasuf loves the chocolate bar*
W: “This is the greatest thing ever!”
*Kasuf invites the men somewhere as Brown says they should go with them because they’re mining the same minerals that the gate is made out of*
W: Good thinking.
*Jackson keeps sneezing and eyeballs some young woman*
W: He wants that ass.
*The men are brought before the eye of Ra. Jackson says its the Egyptian sun god Ra. A horn blows and everyone scatters. Feretti radios the men saying they have to abandon base camp because a huge sandstorm is coming. Kawalsky, Brown, Jack and Jackson can’t make out what they’re saying as Feretti and the others make it back into the Pyramid. They try to radio Jack but can’t reach him*
W: At least they’re all safe.
*Kasuf prepares a feast for Jack’s men and Jackson eats the strange looking animals because he doesn’t want to offend them. He tries to communicate with the villagers but Kasuf makes it appear that writing is forbidden. Jackson is given a robe and a foot bath*
W: What, they think he’s Ra?
*Sha’Uri is the girl he was eyeballing earlier and she goes to strip for him. He stops her and Kasuf acts displeased. Jackson has to explain he’s not offended. He tries to draw her a picture but she refuses to look at it*
W: Why doesn’t he try to speak different dialects until he finds the right one?
*Feretti and the others in the Pyramid are trapped as a giant ship descends upon it*
W: We got company.
*The men are attacked one by one and are captured*
W: Are they captured or killed?
A: Captured.
*Jack lights a cigarette and Skaara is afraid of the fire*
W: Its just a lighter.
*Skaara lights his own cigarette and mimicks Jack smoking until he gags. Jack says it is a pretty stupid habit*
W: Yeah kids, no smokin.
*Jack gives Skaara the lighter as a gift. He goes to touch the gun but Jack screams NO! and Skaara runs off*
W: Yeah, I can see why he’d be shellshocked.
*Sha leads Jackson into a cavern where the symbol he’s looking for is. Ancient markings on the wall help Jackson communicate with Sha*
W: Good.
*Feretti and crew are dragged by the guards*
A: Wakey wakey.
*Ra wakes up as Brown still can’t get ahold of the other team. Meanwhile Skaara plays with the lighter. Kawalsky can’t find Jackson and Jack tries to ask the villagers where Jackson is but they just imitate what he’s doing. Skaara finally figures out Jack is looking for Jackson and has the animal from earlier sniff Jackson’s jacket to look for him*
W: We’re getting somewhere.
*Jack, Skaara and the others find Jackson who gives the lowdown on Ra. Ra’s own planet was dying and descended on the planet looking for life. He took the form of a young boy and became their ruler. Apparently Ra was ruling over this planet and Earth but Earth held an uprising and buried the gate. Fearing the same thing would happen here, Ra outlawed reading and writing so no one would know the truth*
W: What a story.
*Kawalsky brings Jackson over to stone markings and its the tablet he’s looking for. Unfortunately the seventh symbol is gone and he can’t make it work. Jack says to hell with it and pulls his men out. Jackson leaves Sha and walk off but the villagers follow. The four men find the ship hovering over the Pyramid*
W: They got company.
*Brown is knocked back by a blast and so is Kawalski. Jack brings Jackson to the bomb and tells Jackson to cover him. Jack opens the container but the bomb is gone. A guard appears and other guards show up to take them away. Skaara and some villagers look on*
W: Is everybody in on this?
*The guards force Jack and Jackson to their knees as Ra appears from behind a wall with his servants. They have the bomb as Jackson figures out Jack was supposed to blow the pace, not explore. Horus is one of the guards*
W: Its Djimon.
*Jack knocks a guard out and shoots another one. A third guard blasts Jackson and knocks out Jack. Ra notices the symbol on Jackson and has Jack thrown in jail with Kawalsky and the others. Meanwhile Skaara finds the camp and plays with the guns until two planes fly by*
W: Nice CGI.
*Kasuf spots the planes flying and they level the city*
W: Wow what an asshole.
A: Mmmm.
*Kasuf inspects the damage as Sha tells Skaara they were punished by Ra. Kasuf is Skaara’s father and says they shouldn’t have helped Jack’s men*
W: Ya think?
*Jackson wakes up alive as a young boy holding a cat looks at him*
W: Aw der smittens.
*Jackson is able to communicate with Ra. Jackson asks what Ra is going to do and Ra says he’s going to blow Earth. He says he created civilization and he’s going to destroy it. Ra needs Jackson to prove his worth by killing Jack and his men, or else he dies himself. He rips the necklace off of Jackson that Langford gave him and says there’s only one Ra*
W: Will the real Ra please stand up!
*Sha tells Skaara that the markings claim they are slaves and Earth fought against Ra, they need to do the same. Ra calls an assembly and the Earth survivors are Kawalsky, Feretti, Jack and another soldier. In front of thousands of people, Jackson is ordered to kill them. Skaara holds up the lighter a a signal and has a gun on his hip. Jackson turns around and shoots at Ra as the villargers start shooting in the air. The guards start shooting back as everyone scatters. Freeman is killed in the confusion*
A: I don’t think he is going to make it.
*A band of rebels led by Skaara rescue Kawalsky, Jack, Jackson and Feretti. Jackson tells Jack to tell them about the bomb. Jack says his orders were to blow the gate after everyone was sent back home. Kawalsky asks why wasn’t he told and Jack says it was a need to know basis and everyone was supposed to be back through the gate when Jack detonated it. Jackson says the Earth gate is the real threat and Jack agrees but since Jackson can’t get them home, it doesn’t matter*
W: Sad but true.
*Back in the throne room Ra asks where the Earthlings are. Horus answers the villagers are harboring them. Jack and Jackson share bonding moments as Jack says he has nothing to live for. Jackson says the rest of them do so don’t drag them into his suicide mission. Skaara offers Jack something as Ra beats up his guards*
W: You know how I hate “take out your own guy.”
*Ra kills his own guard*
W: One less idiot for the good guys to deal with.
*The villagers poke fun at Sha calling Jackson her husband. He asks her what that’s about and she said she didn’t tell them he didn’t want her. He grabs her and kisses her as Skaara closes the drape*
W: HA!
A: Alright give the some privacy.
*Later on Skaara marks the wall for their “victory” but Jackson spots the shape of it and figures out how to get back home. Jackson tells Kawalsky they’re going home. Later on Skaara and the Earth soldiers kill one of the guards much to Kasuf’s chagrin. Kasuf says Ra will kill them all but Skaara says they can’t be slaves anymore. Jackson unmasks the guard and its Horus. Kasuf realizes the guards are human like he is. Meanwhile Ra orders the bomb to be sent to the gate*
W: Ready for the exciting conclusion?
A: Oh yes.
*Jack lead a crew in disguise to take out the guards. Outside Ra has the Pyramid closed which leaves Kawalsky and Feretti outside with Skaara. The planes are activated and everyone scatters. Inside Jack, Jackson and Sha run for Sha’s throne room. Kawalsky leads a charge outside as Ra sends his top guard Anubis to blow the bomb himself. Jack says he’s blowing the bomb in 7 minutes but Sha is killed by one of the guards. Jack takes him out and Jackson is sad*
W: Guess he’s not getting married.
*Anubis goes to complete the mission but Jackson grabs Sha’s body and teleports to the throne room. Jackson says wait for him as Anubis pounces on Jack*
W: Time for the one on one fight!
*Jackson places Sha in the same contraption that brought him back to life. Meanwhile Jack and Anubis go mano e mano. Skaara’s best friend is killed by the planes. The rebels can’t destroy the planes as Anubis kicks the crap out of Jack. Kawalsky goes to surrender as Sha is revived by Jackson. The pilots land their planes as Ra spots Jackson and goes to kill him. Meanwhile Jack finally fights back against Anubis. Jack “Give my regards to King Tut asshole.” Jack has Anubis’ head in the spot where the elevator lands and Anubis is decapitated when Jackson and Sha are teleported back. Jack goes to disarm the bomb but it doesn’t shut off*
A: His own bosses doublecrossed him.
*The two guards go to kill Kawalsky an the rebels when Kasuf leads a charge of the entire village to the Pyramid to overthrow Ra*
W and A: Hahahahahaha
A: See now you just pissed everybody off.
*The villagers overtake the guards as Skaara stands defiant. The guards are carried out like the Earth ones were centuries ago. Ra decides to run for it by escaping in his ship*
W: He’s taking the cowards way out.
*Jackson and and Jack figure out what to do about the bomb. They sent it to Ra’s throne room and it blows the ship*
W: You lose.
*The villagers cheer the victory as Jackson, Jack and Sha walk out to a heroes welcome. Skaara salutes Jack as Jackson tongues Sha. Kasuf salutes the Earthlings. Later on Jackson decides to stay behind with Feretti, Kawalsky and Jack headed home. Jack asks if Jackson will be alright and he looks over at Sha*
W: He’ll be fine, he’s gonna tap that ass.
*Jackson hands the necklace to Jack and says to tell Catherine it brought him luck. The troops head home*
W: Nice CGI.
*End credits*
W: Well that was good.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 7. It was a decent movie.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7 as well. A bit farfetched but most Sci-Fi movies are.
Final Grade: 7 out of 10 – Great
*Warlock rises from the couch*
W: Well that was Stargate, let me shut that off. That was pretty good don’t you think?
A: Yeah.
W: The acting ranged from pitiful to good, the story was easy to follow and the special effects were decent.
A: Yeah.
W: It launched a ton of TV series, a video game and remains a staple of science fiction to this day, 25 years later.
A: Yeah.
W: Anything else?
A: No.
W: Never one to waste words.
A: Yeah.
W: Now get outta here before I give ya a slap!
Warlock's Movie Realm 