*When we last left off, The Grand Wizard, The Warlock, Thug D, Mr. America and Mr. Wallstreet made it to the entrance of the Temple of The King. Only Wizard and Warlock were permitted to enter. Warlock and Wizard walk through the corridors before they enter the royal throne room. The lavish room has gold treasure everywhere and the throne has a podium to its left and a huge treasure chest to its right*
Wizard: There’s one more task left to do.
Warlock: Open the chest.
Wizard: No, it won’t open by hand. It must be unlocked with pure magic.
Warlock: I can do that.
*Warlock flicks his wrist and fire appears*
Wizard: No, not that way.
*Wizard spots a slot for a single stone on the podium to the left*
Wizard: We need to find a gold stone.
Warlock: There’s gold everywhere! Where do we even start.
Wizard: There.
*Wizard points to a glowing gold chest in the corner. Wizard opens it and there’s a DVD inside*
Warlock: Another 3 hour marathon?
Wizard: Indeed. Only the worthy that have come this far have the strength to continue.
*Wizard pulls out THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS*
Warlock: After this the treasure unlocks?
Wizard: It should.
Warlock: Alright, one final dance, let’s get started.
Written by: JRR Tolkien, Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Stephen Sinclair and Peter Jackson
Directed by: Peter Jackson
Cast:
Aldor (Bruce Allpress)
Sam (Sean Astin)
Madril (John Bach)
Man Flesh Uruk (Sala Baker)
Galadriel (Cate Blanchett)
Legolas (Orlando Bloom)
Pippin (Billy Boyd)
Sharku/Snaga (Jed Brophy)
Eothain (Sam Comery)
Wormtongue (Brad Dourif)
Haleth (Calum Gittins)
Theoden (Bernard Hill)
Gamling (Bruce Hopkins)
Theodred (Paris Howe Strewe)
Saruman (Christopher Lee)
Ugluk (Nathaniel Lees)
Hama (John Leigh)
Mauhur (Robbie Magasiva)
Morwen (Robyn Malcolm)
Gandalf (Ian McKellen)
Merry (Dominic Monaghan)
Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen)
Eowyn (Miranda Otto)
Haldir (Craig Parker)
Rohan Soldiers (Bruce Phillips, Davey Hughes, Peter Jackson, Richard Knowles, Barrie M Osborne)
Mordor Orc (Robert Pollock)
Gimli (John Rhys-Davies)
Gollum (Andy Serkis)
Freda (Olivia Tennet)
Bereg (Ray Trickitt)
Arwen (Liv Tyler)
Eomer (Karl Urban)
Grishnakh (Stephen Ure)
Elrond (Hugo Weaving)
Faramir (David Wenham)
Frodo (Elijah Wood)
Hero Orcs (Victoria Beyon-Cole, Lee Hartley, Philip Grieve)
Cute Rohan Refugee Children (Billy and Katie Jackson, Riley Brophy)
Boromir (Sean Bean)
Ranger 1 (Phillip Spencer Harris)
Wildman (Timothy Lee)
Denethor (John Noble)
Uruk-hai (Richard Alexander, Sean Button, Ryan Carey, Rodney Cook, Tack Daniel, Augie Davis, Mana Hira Davis, Shane Dawson, David Gatward Ferguson, Siosa Fonua, Winham Hammond, Lani Jackson, Lance Louez, Joseph Mika-Hunt, Dean Morganty, Nooroa Poa, Allan Poppleton, Piripi Waretini, Tim Wong, Robert Young)
Gondorian Soldiers (Geoff Allen, Daniel Andrews, Ben Barrington, Matthew Saville)
Ranger (Frazer Anderson)
Elven Warriors (Jarl and Jorn Benzon, Ben Britton, Alexia Fairbrother, Daniel Falconer, Kester Fordham, Ben Fransham, Jonathan Harding, Gareth Jensen, Ralph Johnson, Sam Kelly, Sandro Kopp)
Rivendell Elf (Owen Black)
Fighting Elf (Gareth Reeves)
Rohan Women (Dorothy Anne Bonner, June Hancock, Dra McKay, Dianne Smith)
Damrod (Alistair Browning)
Rohan Refugees (Alix Bushnell, Kelly Corbishley, Frank Goldingham, Liz Hewson, Jaime Lawrence, Cameron Lemon, Miranda Rivers, Samuel E Shore, Sarah Thomas, Kelly Kerr Young)
Elves (Robert Catto, Michael Fowler, Francis Mountjoy)
Easterling Warrior (Karlos Drinkwater)
Easterling (Paul Norell)
Rohan Soldiers (Aron Eastwood, Ken Stratton, Greg Tozer)
Rohan Man (Frank Edwards)
Rohan Boys (Lucas Hayward, James Ordish)
Rohan Boy Recruit (Henry Mortensen)
Rohan Recruits (Dan Hennah, Alan Lee)
Rohan Guards (Don Langridge, Robbie Titchener)
Harad Warriors (Clint Elvy, Are Manea Karati, Jeremy Sciascia)
Orcs (Paul Holmes, Shaneel Sidal, Marcus Thorne)
Theoden’s Royal Guard (Jason Hood)
Orc Pitmaster (Sam La Hood)
Berserker Torch Bearer (Greg Lane)
Wildman (Michael Lawrence)
Twilight Ringwraith (Jono Manks)
Witch King (Brent McIntyre)
Captain of the Guards (Wayne Phillips)
Tree Cutting Orc (Campbell Rousselle)
Dead Marshes Elf (Allan Smith)
Cave Woman (Hannah Wood)
Stable Hand (John Wraight)
*Wizard reads the tag-line*
Wizard: “While Frodo and Sam edge closer to Mordor with the help of the shifty Gollum, the divided fellowship makes a stand against Sauron’s new ally, Saruman, and his hordes of Isengard.”
Warlock: Saruman turned HEEL!
*Opening*
Wi: They like to whisper a lot in these films.
*Voiceover events of the first movie with Gandalf screaming You shall not pass!” Gandalf gets sucked into the void*
W: Takes off the run-time.
Wi: Just how deep is that hole?
*Frodo and Sam wake up from a slumber*
W: Wake up sleepyheads.
*Sam and Frodo are on their way to Mordor. The eye of Sauron is shown*
Wi: It knows he was the ring.
*Sam and Frodo eat Elvish bread before continuing to march*
W: They’re barefoot to boot.
*Sam and Frodo detect a foul stench, Frodo says they’re not alone*
W: Its either Gollum or Orcs.
*Golum sneaks up on the duo but they catch him. Gollum goes for the ring*
Wi: Hit him with a rock.
*Gollum bites Sam and gets him in a chokehold. Frodo threatens to run him with a sword if he doesn’t let Sam go*
W: That’s one way.
*Sam and Frodo capture Gollum and lead him by a rope but he won’t shut up. Sam says every Orc in the area can hear him so they should either leave him behind or kill him. Gollum says he’ll leave if they let him go, he swears on the ring. Sam says don’t trust him. Frodo says to get them to the Black Gate*
W: Follow me!
*An army of Uruk-Hai march with Pippin and Merry captured. One orc says he smells man-flesh and Pippin says Aragorn is nearby. Sure enough Gimli, Legolas and Aragorn is in hot pursuit. Gimli whines about the journey*
W: Back for more.
*Pippin leaves a trail of leaves for Aragorn to find. Gimli falls down*
Wi: Hahhaha
*The trio makes it Rohan, home of the horse-lords. Legolas says the Uruk-Hai is taking the prisoners to Isengard. Saruman cuts a promo saying he and Sauron are unstoppable in the two towers*
W: The Two Towers.
*Saruman’s army prepares for war. Saruman continues to rant saying his army is unstoppable. Saruman leads a band of angry Rohan refugees to take back their land. Meanwhile Rohan citizens run for their lives*
Wa: Here they come.
*Saruman’s army wipes out Rohan. Theodred is mortally wounded. The King of Rohan is under a spell by Saruman. Wormtoungue says Saruman is neither friend or foe and tries to talk Eomer out of fighting Saruman. Eomer asks what Saruman paid him to turn on Rohan, and Wormtounge looks at Eomer’s sister. Eomer says he’s onto him but two guards capture Eomer and Wormtongue says hes banished*
Wi: He’s after the girl.
*The band of orcs stop to rest as Pippin and Merry regroup together*
Wi: Is this where the tree wakes up?
*Pippin says the trees are alive and talk to each other*
Wi: They’re called Ents.
*Orc wants to eat the hobbits*
W: Hahahaha.
*Orc is beheaded by the Leader and the orcs all eat the dead one. Merry and Pippin crawl away but the Rohan soldiers show up to save them*
Wi: The riders of Rohan.
*Legolas notices a red sun rising and says blood has been spilled. Aragorn calls out to the Riders and they surround the trio. Eomer taunts Gimli and Legolas tells him not to even think of trying to kill him. Aragorn introduces his crew and Eomer says the King is sick and doesn’t listen to him. Aragorn asks if Pippin and Merry are dead and Eomer says they killed everyone and no one survived*
Wa: They can’t be dead.
*Eomer loans two horses to the trio and ride off, tells them they can search for the hobbits*
Wi: What do these armies eat.
Wa: Well its clear the orcs eat each other.
*Th trio find the orc carcasses all burned and beheaded. Gimli is the son of Gloin from the first Hobbit series. He finds Merry’s knife belt and thinks they’re dead. Aragorn screams but then realizes the hobbits were there but crawled away*
W: NOT dead.
*Aragorn pieces together how Pippin and Merry escaped*
W: He’s better than Perry Mason.
*Aragorn figures out they ran into Fangorn Forrest*
Wi: Oh, this is where they meet the Ents.
*Pippin and Merry are chased by a single orc. Pippin climbs a tree but Merry is brought down by the orc. A tree wakes up and squishes the orc. It grabs Pippin and Merry. Merry figures out its Treebeard. Treebeard has no side and thinks they’re little orcs*
W: Do they look like orcs to you?
*Treebeard has no idea what a hobbit is. He hates orcs and says The White Wizard will know if they’re telling the truth. Pippin and Merry are brought before the feet of Gandalf*
W: The other white wizard.
*Meanwhile Gollum leads Frodo and Sam through a bog*
W: That was must smell great.
*Gollum says orcs don’t go near the marshes so they’re safe*
Wi: Methane everywhere.
*Sam freaks out when they find dead bodies in the water. Gollum says there was a great battle long ago. They’re in the Dead Marshes and Gollum says don’t follow the lights. Frodo wanders off to check out a dead body. He intentionally falls in the water*
Wa: What was the purpose of that?
Wi: He’s under a spell.
*Ghosts descend on Frodo*
W: That’s legit scary.
*Gollum saves Frodo and tells him not to follow the lights. Next is Sam, Gollum and Frodo resting*
Wi: There’s a nice place to take a nap, in the middle of a swamp.
*Gollum wakes up Frodo by calling out for his precious. Frodo remembers the story told by Gandalf that Gollum was once like a hobbit and real name was Smeagol*
Wi: His pursuit of the ring turned him ugly.
*The Black Riders on Nazgul show up. Gollum says they’re there for the ring. Sam hides the ring*
Wi: Don’t put it on.
*Meanwhile Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn search for Pippin and Merry. Legolas says the trees are speaking to each other and Aragorn tells Gimli to lower his axe. Legolas says The White Wizard approaches. The trio reach for their arms when Gandalf with Saruman’s voice disarms them*
Wi: That was Saruman’s voice.
*Aragorn asks how he lived and Gandalf says he was in battle with Balrog*
Wi: The thing with the horns.
*Gandalf says he was saved by Galadriel. Gandalf says he used to be Gandalf The Grey, now he’s Gandalf The White*
Wa: What?
Wi: He’s been reborn.
*Gandalf rides a unicorn with Aragorn’s crew as Treebeard tells Pippin and Merry they are to be kept safe*
W: Radagast would have loved this.
*Sam, Gollum and Frodo climb rocks*
Wi: Meanwhile back in the bog.
*They make it to the Black Gate*
Wi: Now Gollum is free.
*2 giant ogres open the Gate. Sam runs for it but falls off a ledge. Fordo goes after him when the Uruk-Hai spot them. Frodo covers themselves with cloth and puts the ring on to get the soldiers off their back before making it to safety. Gollum tries to stop Frodo by saying Sauron wants the ring and not to let him have it*
Wa: Sauron?
Wi: Yes.
*Gollum says there’s a secret path into Mordor. Frodo says lead the way, Sam is suspicious*
Wa: He smells a rat.
*Gandalf, Gimli, Aragorn and Legolas make it to Edoras and the Golden Hall. The King is still under a spell while his son is dead. Wormtongue tries to charm the Princess but she’s onto him*
W: Charles Lee Ray at your service.
*Princess says Wormtongue’s words are poison*
W: Poor Billy Bibbit can’t get none.
*Prince looks out in the distance and sees Gandalf’s crew approaching*
Wi: She’s about to be lovestruck.
*The town gives Gandalf’s crew the stinkeye. Gimli says you’ll find more cheer in a graveyard. Eomer’s brother stops them and disarms everyone except Gandalf who refses to part with his “walking stick”
Wi: Ha.
*Wormtongue taunts Gandalf and he calls him a witless worm. Gimli, Aragorn and Legolas disarm the guards as Gandalf tries to break through to Theoden. Gandalf uses his white power to draw Saruman’s curse out of the King. Arargorn stops the princess from interfering. Gandalf succeeds in driving Saruman out of the King. The King recovers and loos like his old self again*
W: He’s free.
*Eowyn is the princess’ name and Theoden is alive again. Gandalf says he’s free and his son hands him his sword. Wormtongue tries to escape but Gimli has him*
W: You’re not going anywhere.
*Theoden has Wormtongue banished on Aragorn’s wishes. Theoden asks where Theodred is but Gandalf informs him that his son is dead. Theoden says the young perish and the old linger*
W: Good line.
*Theoden “No parent should have to bury their child”
Wi: Hardest thing to do.
*Gandalf says Theodred’s spirit will find a way to the halls of Theoden’s fathers. Meanwhile the two children from Rohan make it to the castle. Gandalf sits with a facepalming Theoden saying they need to fight the Uru-Kai*
W: Look at his face.
*Theoden says Eomer can’t help and doesn’t want to risk open war. Aragorn says its open war anyway. Theoden says Aragorn isn’t the king, he is. Theoden’s order is to flee to the mountains, Gandalf is pissed but Aragorn says he’s only looking out for the citizens. Gandalf is going out on his own to unite the clans to battle the Uruk-Hai. Meanwhile Aragorn and Eowyn meet*
W: Love interest?
Wi: Yup.
*Aragorn asks Eowyn what she fears and she says a cage. Aragorn says she’s too strong to fall victim to a cage. Theoden leads his people into the mountans as Wormtongue reports back to Saruman that they’re headed to Helm’s Deep*
W: He knows where they’re going.
*Saruman tells the Orcs to send out the Wargs to take out the Rohan citizens. Meanwhile Gollum tries to catch a fish bare handed. Sam calls him a stinker and Frodo tells him not to do that. Sam says all Gollum cares for is the ring and Frodo says there’s more to him in that. Sam says he can’t save him, Frodo says he knows nothing*
W: Enough bickering.
*Frodo tries to apologize and Sam says its not him, its the ring that’s driving Frodo crazy. Sam and Frodo sleep and Gollum has a conversation with himself*
Wi: Half his mind is Gollum and half is Smeagol.
Wa: A split personality?
*Gollum taunts Smeagol*
Wa: Gollum is the dominant personality.
*Smeagol says they don’t need Gollum. “Leave now and never come back”
W: He’s gonna wrestle himself.
*Smeagol dances around happy and brings dead rabbits to Frodo in the morning*
W: Hahahaha
*Sam tells Smeagol they’re going to cook the meat instead. Smeagol calls him a stupid, fat hobbit. Meanwhile Frodo hears a noise*
Wa: He hears something.
*Smeagol wants raw fish, not fried. Sam says not even Smeagol could turn that down. Smeagol scoffs at him*
W: Hahahaha.
*Frodo spots the Uru-Kai approaching. Smeagol says Saruman is gathering all his armies. Sam spots Oliphaunts and says no one at home will believe them*
W: Better run.
*A hail of arrows takes down the band of Uru-Kai*
Wi: This is another territory.
*Frodo and Sam are captured by the rangers. Gimli tells Eowyn that dwarf women look like dwarf men. Aragorn says its the beards. Gimli falls off his horse as Aragorn and Eowyn smile at each other*
Wi: He’s falling in love.
*Aragorn falls asleep and dreams of Arwen*
Wi: He’s already spoken for.
Wa: Liv Tyler.
Wi: Her mother was a Playmate.
Wa: Bebe Buell
Wi: Good genes.
*Aragorn in the dream says he knew this day would come. Arwen says its not the end but the beginning. They kiss in the dream sequence*
Wa: Don’t cheat.
*Eowyn asks where Aragorn got his jewel. He has a flashback of Elrond telling him that Arwen loses her immortality if she runs off with Aragorn. Aragorn tries to tell her they can’t be together and Arwen says to keel the jewel as a gift. In real time Aragorn tells Eowyn she’s with her people*
W: So sad.
*Theoden’s people are attacked by warg scouts. Legolas spots them coming a mile away. Theoden says to Eowen to get the women and children to Helm’s Deep. The men will stay and fight. Legolas starts hitting wargs a mile away*
Wi: Of course he’s like Clint Eastwood.
Wa: Never misses.
*Theoden’s men and the orcs battle. Gimli falls of his horse*
Wa: He’s better off on the ground anyway.
*Gimli snaps the neck of an orc*
W: Ohh yeahhh.
*Aragorn saves Gimli from an orc as Theoden kills one*
W: Hanging on for now.
*Aragorn and a wild warg fall off a cliff*
W: He can’t die, he’s got another movie to go.
*The orcs scatter as Theoden’s men are victorious. Legolas looks for Aragorn and spots a laughing Orc. The orc says Aragorn is dead because he fell off a cliff. Legolas calls him a liar and the orc dies*
W: He’s not lying.
*The Orc had Arwen’s jewel an Legolas takes it. Theoden and Legolas inspect the cliff but there are no bodies*
W: They don’t know he’s alive.
*The Rohan citizens make it to Helm’s Deep*
Wi: They look like a lovely bunch.
*The kids are reunited with their mother as Theoden rides in. Eowyn notices a lot of them didn’t make it. Gimli tells her that Aragorn fell off a cliff. Eowyn is sad*
W: Poor Eowyn.
Wormtongue tells Saruman Helm’s Deep has one weakness, a storm drain. Wormtongue is amazed at the size of Saruman’s army. Saruman says the night will be stained with Rohan blood and leave no one alive*
W: Even Wormtongue is like “Woah.”
*Treebeard lead Pippin and Merry through the Forest and the two hobbits spot Saruman’s army on the move. Meanwhile Aragorn washes up on the shore of the river*
W: Not dead after all.
*Aragorn imagines Arwen kissing him awake*
W: Reverse Sleeping BEauty.
*A horse wakes up Aragorn*
Wi: “Hey, wake up. Come on, I’m hungry. Let’s get the fuck out of here”
W: Hahahaha
*Elrond wakes up Arwen and says Aragorn isn’t coming back. Arwen says there’s still hope and Elrond still tries to talk her out of giving up her immortality. We get a scene where an old Aragorn is dead and Arwen mourns him to drive home the fact he’s mortal and she’s not*
W: That’s life.
*Arwen cries and Elrond says there’s nothing for her out there, only death. Elrond says he still loves her and she still loves him*
W: Only looking out for his daughter.
*Galadriel says the power of evil is growing. Saruman is a puppet for Sauron and Rohan is going to be destroyed, as is Gondor. Galadriel says Frodo knows he’s dead meat if he completes his mission*
W: Talk about spoiler alert.
*The Captain of the Gondor army is the one who took Sam and Frodo hostage. Galadriel says the time of the Elves is over and asks what to do now. Faramir is the Captain and he’s given a status report that Saruman’s army is too strong. Faramir says they don’t have the numbers to compete*
W: They got a whole movie and a half to figure it out.
*Frodo and Sam introduce themelsves to Faramir and he asks where Smeagol is. Frodo name drops Boromir and Faramir gets up. Frodo had no idea Boromir was dead. Faramir says Boromir was his brother*
Wi: He knows Boromir is dead, he died defending them.
Wa: Maybe the ring is warping Frodo’s mind.
*Faramir brings Frodo to a ledge of a cliff and Smeagol dives into a waterfall. Faramir says the penalty is death. Faramir goes to have his archers kill Smeagol but Frodo stops him. Frodo says to spare him for he is their guide, he wants to speak with Smeagol*
W: There would have been no third movie if they killed him.
*Frodo refers to himself as Master to talk to Smeagol. He says to follow him and Smeagol does only for Faramir to capture him. Frodo says not to hurt him*
W: Is this necessary?
*Smeagol reverts back to Gollum with Faramir watching*
W: Even Faramir is like “What the hell is this?”
*Faramir: “What did they steal?” Gollum “MY PRECIOUSSSSSSS.”
W: He’s back!
*Sam wants Frodo to use the ring to escape but Frodo refuses. He says the ring is taking him and if he puts it on, Sauron will see him. Faramir walks up and draws his sword. He wants the ring but Frodo starts freaking out. Sam tells Faramir to leave him alone because Frodo has to destroy the ring in Mordor. Faramir’s aide says their army is being attacked and Faramir says prepare to leave. Faramir says the hobbits will be coming with them to Gondor*
W: So much for leaving them alone.
*Aragorn finds Saruman’s army approaching*
W: Not much he can do by himself.
*Aragorn finds Helm’s Deep and enters. Gimli runs up and yells at him before giving him a hug*
W: Hahahaha.
*Legolas tells Aragorn he looks terrible before handing him the jewel back. Eowyn gets excited to see him but her expression changes when he’s handed the jewel. Aragorn reports to Theoden that Saruman has 10,000 soldiers heading their way*
W: How are they gonna stop 10,000 of them?
*Theoden says every man will be ready for battle but the women and children will be hidden away. Gimli says these aren’t Orcs but Uruk-hai and not to be taken lightly. Theoden says he knows how to defend his keep*
W: Really now?
*Theoden says they have enough people but Aragorn says Saruman’s coming to kill them all, not take the land. Aragorn says they’re gonna need help. Theoden asks who will come, elves and dwarves? Aragorn says Gondor and Theoden says to hell with Gondor*
W: He’s not happy is he?
*Treebeard continues to walk around with Pippin and Merry. Every Ent in the forest approaches. Treebeard says they have to decide if they’ll go to war or not. Merry smiles*
W: I think that answers that.
*Various Rohan men say goodbye to women and children*
W: We have another hour left.
*Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn lament that this “army” is too old or too young. Legolas says they have no chance and will all die, Aragorn says he’ll die as one of them. Gimli tells Legolas to back off. Theoden asks Gamling who he is*
Wa: Don’t tell me he’s possessed again.
Wi: No, he’s just thinking.
*Saruman’s army approaches and Rohan boys are given weapons*
W: You gotta be kidding me.
*Theoden asks how did it come to this as the Rohan men prepare. Aragorn is pissed*
W: He knows they have no chance.
*Haleth hands Aragorn his sword and says no one believes they will win. Aragorn tells Haleth there is always hope before he gets packed for battle*
W: 300 vs 10,000.
*Legolas hands Aragorn his real sword as Gimli can’t get his chain mail on right. A horn goes off and Legolas recognizes the sound. The Elven army is there to help*
W: Elrond got off his ass.
*Elrond’s aide says Elves and Men were once in alliance and they’ve come to honor that allegiance*
W: Okay, now where are the dwarves?
Wi: They’re not coming. You’ll see what Gandalf rounds up.
*Gimli says he hopes Aragorn’s luck lasts the night. It starts to rain*
W: “Why does it always rain over me?”
*Uruk-hai approach*
Wi: Wouldn’t the rain put out the torches?
*Aragorn says to show no mercy toward the Uruk-Hai. Both armies have a staredown*
W: The staredown.
*Aragorn draws his sword*
W: Its go time.
*Rohan archer fires the first shot, its a direct hit that kills an Orc. The Uruk-Hai charge and the Elves fire their first volley into the Orcs*
W: Of course Legolas never misses.
*The Uruk-Hai survive the volley of arrows and begin fighting back*
Wi: Ooh, crossbows.
*Saruman’s army uses makeshift ladders. Gimli leads the charge to repel them. Gimli and Legolas compare kill counts. Gimli refuses to be beaten by him*
W: Hahahaha.
*Treebeard informs Pippin and Merry that they’re not Orcs. Merry asks what about Saruman and Treebeard says not to be hasty. Merry says they can’t fight the war alone. Treebeard says these things take time*
W: That’s not gonna help.
*Aragorn directs the attack toward the Causeway. Theoden taunts Saruman and asks if that’s the best they can do*
W: Be careful what you wish for.
*The Uruk-Hai blow the storm drain and the wall*
W: Now they’re fucked.
Wi: Yup.
*Gimli and Aragorn are down. Theoden’s men can’t brace the gate. Gimli charges the Uruk-Hai by thimself and Aragorn says to charge. Aragorn leads the charge to hand to hand fighting. Legolas goes to town with arrows*
W: And he never misses.
*Aragorn helps Gimli up as Treebeard says they can’t get involved because its not their war. Merry tries to reason that they’re part of this world. Treebeard says Merry is brave but its over, he’s better off going home. Reluctantly Merry and Pippin prepare to leave. Pippin says they have the Shire, Merry says there won’t be a Shire if Saruman wins*
W: Yeah really.
*Theoden tells Aragorn to fall back and the Rohan soldiers begin to retreat. Haldir is ordered to retreat and he’s slain by an Orc*
Wi: Oops.
*Aragorn fights his way to Haldir but he’s dead. Aragorn fights his way through as Theoden is wounded. Aragorn and Gimli sneak around behind the Uruk-Hai. Gimli says to toss him but don’t tell Legolas*
W: Oh lovely.
*Gimli and Aragorn sneak attack the bridge*
W: Look, two against a hundred.
Wi: Yup.
*Uruk-Hai breach the walls*
Wa: There’s too many.
*Theoden tell Aragorn and Gimli to retreat. Legolas tosses them a rope and Gimli and Aragorn are pulled to safety. Theoden says to full retreat*
W: There’s still a half hour left.
*Treebeard says he’ll drop the angry hobbits off west, Pippin says to drop them south in Isengard. They say they’re too small and fast to be caught, they’ll catch Saruman off guard*
W: Just the two of them though?
*Meanwhile Faramir’s army spots the Rohan ruins. Frodo pleads to let him go but Faramir refuses. Treebeard is pissed the Orcs destroyed his friends to build Saruman’s army. He screams*
W: Now he’s gonna get involved.
*Treebird says its go time without actually saying so*
W: What can a bunch of trees do though?
*Treebird says they likely won’t survive and this is their last march*
W: Oh they’re attacking Mordor.
*Frodo, Gollum and Sam are still held hostage. Faramir says send them to his father as a gift. Sam erupts and tells Faramir the truth that Boromir was driven mad by the ring and he tried to kill Frodo. Meanwhile Frodo in a trance says the Nazgul are here*
W: Now you’re screwed.
*Faramir leads Frodo and Sam to safety and prepares to fight*
W; Better late than never.
*Theoden says its over but Aragorn refuses to surrender. There’s only way out through the Mountains, Aragorn says to try it anyway. Aragorn asks Theoden to keep fighting till the death. Gimli says the sun is rising and Aragorn remembers Gandalf saying to look to the East. Theoden says he’ll fight with him*
W: One last time.
*Theoden and Aragorn draw swords together as Gimli blows a horn. Theoden’s crew puts up one last stand as they fight through the Uruk-Hai toward the mountains. Aragorn on horeseback spots Gandalf in the distance. Eomer rides with Gandalf and his army attacks*
Wa: I forgot about them.
*Eomer’s army lays waste to the Uruk-Hai. Meanwhile the Ents take out Isengard. Saruman looks out scared*
W: For the first time, he actually looks worried.
*The Ents break the damn to release the river. Isenhard Orcs are swallowed up by the water. Pippin an Merry cling to Treebeard as Isengard is washed away by the river*
Wi: This is where he hatched the Uruk-Hai, watch it all be washed away.
*A possessed Frodo walks up to the Nazgul and holds up the ring. He goes to put it on as Sam races to stop him. Sam tackles Frodo and Faramir shoots the Nazgul. Meanwhile Frodo goes to kill Sam but stops himself*
W: Get ahold of yourself.
*Frodo drops his sword and apologizes to Sam. Sam cuts a promo asking how the world can go back after this. Meanwhile Theoden shouts that victory is theirs. We get a montage of Gandalf’s army victorious to Sam’s words. Frodo asks what they’re holding on to and Sam says good in the world. Faramir heard everything and he apologizes for his behavior. Faramir’s aide says if they let the prisoners go, Faramir will be killed. Faramir says to do it anyway. Meanwhile Gandalf says Sauron won’t take this lying down. The battle of Helm’s Deep is over but the battle for Middle-Earth has begun*
W: A preview of the final movie.
*Sam, Gollum and Frodo walk around discussing if they’ll ever be folklore. Frodo says he can’t do it without Sam. Frodo calls out for Smeagol but Smeagol and Gollum are having another argument. Gollum says kill the hobbits and take the ring back. Gollum says “she” could kill them. Smeagol says he’ll show them the way and we get the end credits*
W: We made it.
The Grand Wizard has no assessment
The Warlock’s Assessment: Once again I give it an 8 out of 10. These movies are marathons but that means there’s plenty of time for great battle scenes and character development. This movie has both and more. Once again, if you go into it knowing its a trilogy you can judge it as such. I definitely recommend this.
Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Awesome
*The movie ends and turns into a gold stone. Warlock places the stone in the slot on the podium and the room begins to shake*
W: Now what?
*The podium moves back and in its place a giant Oscar’s statue rises from the floor below*
Wa: What does that mean?
Wi: Oh no…oh no…no no no.
Wa: What?
Wi: See the statue? I need to draw power from the statue in order to unlock the chest in the middle.
Wa: So do it?
Wi: You don’t understand, we need a specific set of stones in order to do that and they come from very specific sources.
Wa: In other words, we came all this way for nothing.
Wi: Yes and no, we can come back when we have the stones….but as of now, let’s go home.
*Warlock and Wizard exit the Temple. Thug D, Mr. Wallstreet and Mr. America are waiting*
A: So did you get the treasure?
W: No.
D: WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?
Wa: We can’t unlock it for a while.
Wallstreet: So we came all this way and nearly died for nothing?
Wa: Pretty much.
A: Screw this, let’s go get a burger.
*America, D and Wallstreet leave*
Wi: Don’t worry, our time will come. We’ll finish this some day.
*THE END….for now*
Warlock's Movie Realm 