100. Let My Puppets Come (1976)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black men’s warehouse suit with a white-undershirt, black tie, black shoes and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates into the lair before landing inside*

Warlock: Tonight is a very special occasion here at the Realm. Tonight is our special 100th episode. Yes, we lasted this long.

*Mr. America is on the left side of the couch wearing a blue Joseph A Bank suit, yellow undershirt, yellow and blue striped tie, black dress shoes and aviator shades*

America: This isn’t going to be the sequel to Ooga Booga is it?

Warlock: Oh hell no. For a special such as this, I decided to go with something much more absurd and memorable.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing a black and white striped dress*

Neyz: I’m not watching any horror movies.

Warlock: Oh no, no no no no. I decided on something much sinister than a horror movie. Tonight we’re doing a 1976 puppet porno called…

Neyz and America: PUPPET PORNO!!????

Warlock:…..Let my Puppets Come!

Neyz: Oh hell no, I ain’t doing this.

Warlock: Too late

*Warlock flicks his wrist and the door locks, the tv goes on, the dvd is played*

Warlock: So let’s not delay, its time for Let My Puppets Come.

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Damiano’s most innovative sex comedy ever”

America: Sex comedy? Think the best part will be the director laughing at us when the credits roll.

Neyz: I don’t know what to say

*Bad opening credits The Four Skins*

America and Warlock: The four skins….

America: Wowwwwww

*Two guys buy hot dogs at a stand, one of them is a puppet*

America: Not even a minute in and there’s a puppet that comes out of friggin nowhere.

*Robert Redfoot, Clark Gobble, etc star in the movie*

Warlock: This is terrible.

America: Clitoris Leachmunn? That’s a Bond girl name you dunce.

*A character is Pornocciho. Another is Peter E Rection*

America: Wowwwww

*A real life human is credited*

America: We get a ton of puppets and this guy.

*Penny Nichholz and Lynette Sheldon star in*

Warlock: Heh, actual porn stars.

*Puppet sings with a piccolo theme*

Neyz: What the?

*Puppet calls out “Motherfucker!”

America: What?

*3 puppets sing*

Warlock: Its only 75 minutes long.

Neyz: Too long.

*Gramps calls one of the 3 guys a little shit*

Warlock: 6 balls huh?

*4 guys sing as Puppet stands and watches*

America: You delivered your telegram what are you still doing there?

*Gramps says hi to the floral arrangements*

Warlock and America: Ughhhhh

Warlock: If nothing else, this stupid song takes off the run time.

*Graphic says The Predicament*

Warlock: What’s the predicament?

Neyz: When did this come out?

Warlock: 1976

Neyz: This is the shit they watched in the 70’s?

Warlock: Between Italian Stallion and this, apparently.

*Female puppet gets call from Mr. Big. He says he’s gonna kill them if they don’t make a fortune fast. One guy says to sell heroin, the other says too much government competition*

Warlock: Good god.

*Telegram puppet says to make a porno*

Warlock: Great…a dynamite fuck film.

Neyz: This is so awkward.

*Puppet says they need penetration, closeups, moaning and groaning*

Warlock: I’m convinced.

*Naked female puppet is asked for sex by puppet dog*

Neyz: Alright Warlock, what the fuck?

America: Team America’s puppeteering was better than this. Second, just get some peanut butter and he’ll do whatever you want.

*Puppet dog gets it on with puppet girl*

Neyz: What the fuck is this?

America: Ughhhh. I have a question.

Warlock: I have an answer.

America: If he does it, is it still called doggy style?

Warlock: Hey he came up with it then?

*Dog does her missionary and howls as he cums. Female “You really are a girls best friend”

Neyz: What the fuck is on this tv right now? I can’t….

Warlock: He did her missionary.

*Back in the office, one guy says the humane society would be pissed*

Neyz: Yeah no shit.

*Gramps walks into a nude photography office and says awwww shit*

Warlock: This is supposed to be erotic?

America: Hell no.

*3 female puppets take advantage of Gramps. One sucks his lifesize dick*

America: Oh my god.

Warlock: Wowwwwwww

*Back in the office the guy says its too unrealistic*

Warlock: Really?

*One of the puppets says to do a hospital scene. He day dreams*

Warlock: See?

America: Since when did you join the mob?

*Puppet says he’s so horny and he needs the nurse to help*

America: If he’s fading fast, that’s a lousy surgery. What the fuck is the point of that?

*Nurse puppet sucks puppet’s dick. He cums everywhere*

Neyz: I’m not gonna talk to you for at least a week, Warlock.

*Doctor puppet says that was the HEAD nurse*

Neyz: Funny ha ha

*Puppet dies smiling*

America: Worst surgery ever.

*Back in the office, everyone laughs about the scene*

Warlock: Hahaha

*Puppet says they need a BLOWfish*

Neyz: What?

*Fish puppet blows another puppet underwater*

Warlock: How do you like the blowfish?

Neyz: So is this considered porn……?

*Gramps say they need Gepetto*

Warlock: So who plays Jiminy Crickett?

America: Huh?

*Puppet says they need a cameraman. Receptionist puppet wants to be a star, they go to gang rape her*

Warlock: Oh my god.
*Head puppet says either one of them left a dick in there or this is a man*

Neyz: Hahaha what?

*Telegram puppet hits up a puppet sex shop. The owner calls the telegrammer Jimmy. Jimmy asks him to shoot the fuck film*

Warlock: So is that how it works? You just walk into a random store and ask the owner to be a pornographer cameraman?

Neyz: No, they’re friends you dopo.

*Gepetto and Pornochhio shows up*

Neyz: What the fuck is that?

*Pornochhio bangs the receptionist puppet*

Warlock: Why am I not surprised?

*Graphic, A Star Is Born*

America: What?

*Gramps has a strap on on his head and the receptionist sucks him off*

America: I don’t believe this.

Warlock: Wow.

*Gepetto builds a female puppet with a dick and balls. He says that’s not right and cuts them off*

Neyz: What the fuck?

America: Wowwww

*Rabbi puppet shows up*

Warlock: A rabbi?

*Gepetto introduces female puppet and Poronochhio together. They sing badly*

Neyz: Huh.

*Gepetto says they can learn to sing*

Warlock: I can sing better that.

*The puppets sing opera*

America: Welcome to puppet Canada.

*”We got this shit in a can where it belongs!”

Warlock: Take-a two. Actioneeeee!!!

*Gepetto facepalms*

Neyz: Why does he keep saying Hiyah!! He thinks he’s in the army.

Warlock: That’s karate, not the army…you’re thinking of oorah you dope.

*female puppet blows puppet camera guy and smacks his ass*

Neyz: I’m so confused

*female puppet slaps camera dude’s dick around*

Neyz: Hahahahahaha

America: Fuck it, I’m not gonna ask.

Warlock: Mind if I eat?

America: Yeah, sure…go right ahead.

*Cameraguy “Worst thing I ever heard! Who wrote this shit??”

Warlock: The movie writer.

*A singing dick does opera with another naked puppet*

Warlock: What?

America: The spotlight’s broken.

Warlock: I love how they got the Sesame Street banjo going.

Neyz: Oh yeah.

*Camera guy facepalms and so does America*

Neyz: There’s you America.

America: Yeah really.

*The light is fixed as dick continues to sing*

Warlock: Does anyone know whats going on?

*Puppet says she’s on her period*

America: Yeah, that’s the least of her problems.

*Gepetto and Cameraguy yell at each other*

Warlock: Why are we fighting?

*Pornochhio uses his nose to get off a stage puppet*

America: Only in this film.

*Puppet Fred “This tension is unbearable. I’m going for a drink. Say your prayers men, I shall return”

America: You think you’re MacArthur now?

*Gepetto cries as a black female puppet shows up*

Warlock: Well at least they’re not racist.

*Pornocchio says he wants to play it by ear. He nose rapes receptionist’s ears*

America: Wowwww

Neyz: The fuck is this?

*A legitimate singer sings as the female puppet to cheer up Gepetto*

Warlock: A legitimate song, that’s more like it.

America: Why do they work in a legitimate human hand?

Neyz: Their hands are up their ass.

America: Its not up their ass, its been clearly established with a stick.

*Two dogs runs on a beach*

Neyz: Awww they’re the babies.

*Warlock and America hula dance to the song*

Neyz: You see that? There’s my brain going out the window because of you two.

*Human runs with dog on the beach. Some kid bends over and digs a sandcastle*

Warlock: I don’t want to see that kids ass.

America: What is the point of this?

*Twin towers are shown*

Warlock: Won’t see those no more.

*Warlock checks the time*

Warlock: 33 minutes left, can you handle it?

Neyz: I’m fine, ask America.

America: Ughhhh

*Fred hits up the bar and says no nakedness. Suddenly a legitimate, hot naked girl dances for Fred who facepalms. Another human watches*

Warlock: Shut up, this is actually good.

*Fred gets up and leaves as she dances to jazz music.Fred “There must be refuge somewhere”

Warlock: Can you imagine her telling her kids about this?

America: She probably would shoot herself first.

Neyz: “Kids, I had to put myself through college”

Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

*The human male calls Fred a faggot*

Warlock,Neyz and America: Hahahahahahaha.

*Fred calls her perverse. Fred says he’s well versed in the marial arts. Guy hits him in the head with a bottle and Fred drop. Later on the girl nurses Fred back to health. She asks how well hung he is*

Warlock: Wowwwww

Neyz: Hahahaha are you kidding me?

*She strips naked*

Warlock: Is she shaved?

America: I don’t think so.

*She wants Fred to spank her. Fred starts getting into it. He comes over and spanks her*

Warlock and America: Hahahahahaaha

Neyz: Its truly smashing.

*She asks what she can do to help him. Freddy whispers to her and she laughs at him. Freddy puts on her underwear and she throws grapes at him*

America: What the????

Warlock: What just happened?

*He slides down the wall*

America: Wowwwwwwww

Warlock: She’s kind of shaved.

Neyz: She’s trimmed.

*Fred walks out still wearing her bra on his head*

America: So you’re not gonna take it off?

Neyz: He forgot it there.

*Fred walks back to the guys and they laugh at him. Jimmy laughs and calls him the boss. They say Gepetto ran out of them. Jimmy “Lick my ass!”

Warlock: You gonna lick his ass Neyz?

Neyz: Nope.

*Gramps says “They want to see pussy and cocks and tits and ass”. Fred says the movie has no ending*

Warlock: This movie better have an ending.

*Gramps says they need commercials*

Warlock: The last thing we need is commercials.

*Jessica (a real woman) gets a phone call. Gramps says she’ll be right there as long as there’s no whips or kinky shit*

Warlock: So no S & M?

*Jessica “Our cunts can get pretty skunky. We need to feel…fresh*

Warlock: Oh god.

*Jingle. “Sweet Fish vaginal spray, keep that funky cunt away”

Neyz: What?????

*Puppet almost blows himself up as Doctor Puppet works over another real woman*

Warlock: I’ve seen her somewhere before.

*Doctor Puppet “Its a climax watch, it takes a licking and keeps on ticking!*

Warlock: Wow.

*Actual movie writer gets a blow job from a puppet, shills Lusterine*

America: Wowwwwwwwwww

*Blonde puppet tell Freddy he doesn’t know anything. Meanwhile Mr. Big shows up who’s a real life midget*

Neyz: Hahahahaha

*Red head puppet is called Mighty Mouth. She blows him so the others can get away. Real human butler named James as an old lady puppet shows up to the office*

Warlock: I really don’t want to know where this is going.

*Grandma puppet sings*

Neyz: Hahahaha

America: Yay….a musical number…great.

*My mammries are memories!”

Warlock: Hahahaha

America: He’s the puppeteer, look he’s manipulating the puppet stick

Neyz: Heh, you’re right. His arm is up her ass.

America: Took you an hour, now they have their hands up their asses.

*Grandma puppet kisses James and he goes cross eyed*

Warlock: The big climax?

*Fred asks if they can make it*

America: I hope we can make it.

Warlock: 11 minutes left.

*Receptionist puppet is still blowing Pornochhio*

Warlock: I forgot about him.

*Pornochhio turns into a human for cumming 8 times*

America: That’s his reward? Ohhhh god.

Warlock: He looks like a fool.

Neyz: That’s not a real boy, that’s a real moron.

*Adult Pornocchio horribly lipsyncs a song*

Warlock: This is the worst Rolling Stones cover I’ve ever heard.

America: I can play guitar better than this.

*Police puppet arrests everyone*

Neyz: Hahaha!

*Entire puppet crew is thrown in jail. Police puppet then says the charges are dropped. Some judge says they have social redeeming quality. Jimmy walks out*

Warlock: Somebody shoot him.

*Graphic: 6 months later*

Warlock: This movie feels like its gone on for 6 months.

*They’re watching the oscars. Best Picture goes to….you are hereby chosen for jury”

Warlock: Hahahaha

*Best picture goes to….The Last Porno Flick.  Jimmy  takes the stage “This is the first fuck film to win an oscar. I need to thank two people Adam and Eve.” Gramps “What an asshole!”

*The crew counts their movie. They go over future movie titles. Fred says this is the end. End credits*

Neyz: Yayyyyyyyyy

America: I’m still trying to process what the fuck I just watched.

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I give this piece of shit a 1 out of 10, this is the worst shit I’ve ever seen.

Mr. America’s Assessment: Ughhhhh good god. I gotta figure this out. I give it a 1, this was pretty brutal. Definitely the worst I’ve ever seen.

The Warlock: I give it a 2…..one point of the absurdity and one point for the actual female nudity.

Neyz: Two? What do you mean two? You can’t give it just two!

Final Grade: 1.5 out of 10 – Almost the worst of all time

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was fun wasn’t it?

America: Hardly.

Neyz: I feel dumber after watching that.

Warlock: You two are no fun. That was hilarious.

America: I want to gouge my eyes out.

Warlock: Keep quiet. Anyway that concludes our 100th episode special. Have a pleasant evening.

99. Air America (1990)

*Mr. America opens the door to the lair. He’s wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. Hes holding an M16 Assault Rifle*

America: Happy Memorial Day and welcome to the lair. I’m your host Mr. America.

*America spots a few joggers and opens fire. They run away screaming with their arms flailing over their heads*

America: Don’t worry, just blanks.

*America heads inside*

America: Since today is a national holiday, The Warlock sought fit that I take over for a day.

*The Warlock is in the middle of the couch wearing a white wifebeater and sneakers, blue jeans and black gargoyle shades*

Warlock: Yup, take it away.

America: Tonight is a personal favorite of mine. AIR AMERICA starring Mel Gibson and Robert Downey Jr.

Warlock: This should be good.

America: Of course its going to be good. I chose the movie, not you.

Warlock: Hey that’s no fair..

America: Shut up

*America takes his seat in the recliner*

America: Let’s get this Memorial Day party started then. Its time for AIR AMERICA.

Written by Richard Rush, John Eskow and Christopher Robbins

Directed by Roger Spottiswoode

Cast:

Mel Gibson	…	Gene
	Robert Downey Jr.	…	Billy
	Nancy Travis	…	Corinne Landreaux
	Ken Jenkins	…	Major Donald Lemond
	David Marshall Grant	…	Rob Diehl
	Lane Smith	…	Senator Davenport
	Art LaFleur	…	Jack Neely (as Art La Fleur)
	Ned Eisenberg	…	Pirelli
	Marshall Bell	…	O.V.
	David Bowe	…	Saunders
	Burt Kwouk	…	General Lu Soong
	Tim Thomerson	…	Babo
	Harvey Jason	…	Nino
	Sinjai Plengpanich	…	Gene’s Wife (as Sinjai Hongthai)
	Natta Nantatanti	…	Gene’s Daughter
	Purin Panichpan	…	Gene’s Son
	Yanee Tramoth	…	Gene’s Brother-in-Law (as Yani Tramod)
	Chanarona Suwanpa	…	Kwahn
	Chet Vimol	…	Tribal Warrior
	Wasun Uttamayodhin	…	Nightclub Singer
	Meesak Nakarat	…	Nightclub Singer (as Meeson Macakharat)
	Ernie Lively	…	Truck Driver
	Burke Byrnes	…	Recruiter
	Greg Kean	…	D.J.
	Roger Welty	…	Ambassador
Rest of cast listed alphabetically:
	Michael Dudikoff	…	General Lee (uncredited)
	John Ladalski	…	Air America Pilot (uncredited)
	Richard Nixon	…	Self (archive footage) (uncredited)
	Charles Ray	…	Dispatcher (uncredited)

*Mr. America reads the tagline*

America: “A young pilot finds himself recruited unwittingly into a covert and corrupt CIA airlift organization operating in Vietnam War Era Laos.”

Warlock: The only truth about that is the CIA really did hire American pilots to fly in covert air missions.

*Opening Credits*

Mr. America: Am I the only one who sees the opening credits and thinks this is going to be a Disney movie?

Warlock: Yeah.

Mr. America: Air America, brought to you by Disney.

*Graphic  Laos: 1969*

Warlock: My dad was there.

*Free Ride by Edgar Winter Group plays over the credits*

Warlock: That song came out in 1973, this is 1969…bungholes.

*Pig breaks free from wooden cage*

America: Run away pig…AWAY…not in circles.

*Random civilian fires musket and hits plane*

Warlock: He hit it? Nice shootin.

*Gene watches Richard Nixon (himself)  lie about Americans in Laos*

Warlock: That was bullshit.

*Falling debris takes out half the bar*

America: Whoops.

*Rob (David Michael Grant): Is he dead? Gene: If he’s not, he’s very calm.  Rob: We’re not here right now.”

Warlock: What???

*Billy flies around LA listening to Pushin Too Hard by The Seeds*

Warlock: That’s actually time appropriate.

*Billy is an air traffic reporter flying a helicopter. He and a trucker  (Ernie Lively) getting into a shouting match because the trucker is blocking traffic*

Warlock: Get out of the way jackass!!

*Love Me Two Times by Aerosmith as Billy reads a letter saying he’s been suspended*

Warlock: Another non-time appropriate song but its a good one.

*Billy lands in Laos with a baseball bat and listens to some combat radio program with Gene as Rob makes a speech*

Warlock: I’d rater listen to Good Morning Vietnam.

*Jack (Art LaFleur) takes Billy’s bat and cuts a promo. Billy doesn’t like it but Gene calms him down*

America: Bah!

*C-123 Provider rolls by*

America: That is a very crowded flightline.

*Babo (Tim Thomerson) rides with Gene and Billy who’s flying. Babo has an uzi*

Warlock: BRICK BARDO!

America: Yes! Yes!

*Gene and Babo freak out Billy by telling a story of how Gene got his toe shot off*

Warlock: Robert Downey Jr was 25 at the time. He looks it.

*Major Lemond (Ken Jenkins) tells Rob that Harry Truman was selling cheap suits in Missouri before getting into politics and dropping an atomic bomb*

Warlock: That IS a fact.

*Senator Davenport (Lane Smith) gets off the plane and greets everyone*

Warlock: Its Trotter from My Cousin Vinny

America: Oh yeah.

*General Lu Soong (Burt Kwouk) insults Rob as Davenport laughs*

Warlock: Wow, what morons.

*Gene freaks out Billy by landing on a mountain*

America: Oh calm down.

Warlock: I love how we got Dollman and Iron Man in the same movie.

*Billy sees villagers approaching and runs to grab an uzi. Gene talks him out of it. Babo “Don’t do that”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Villagers have stolen guns and want to sell them to Gene*

Warlock: Ohhoho look at the hardware!

*Billy complains about Gene running guns, Gene says its his retirement plan*

Warlock: He ain’t kidding.

*Billy is flying a Pilatus PC6 and nearly crashes into the mountain while Gene and Babo color*

America: Very entertaining doing coloring books while Billy is flying through fog.

*Davenport chills with the pilots before leaving. Meanwhile Babo dances with some girls. A coverband plays Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress*

Warlock: The song came out in 1972 dammit.

America: You’re too bent up on appropriate songs.

Warlock: Its supposed to be 1969.

*Billy drinks with Rob. Rob says they can’t lose the war*

America: Boy are you mistaken!

*Major and Rob hit up an heroin den and tell them to take a week off. General Soong refuses and the Major says fine*

Warlock: What was he gona do, say “Yeah sure we’ll shut down.”?

*Billy: I’m used to being the weirdest guy in the room and now I’m not even in the running.”

Warlock: Good line.

*Gene and Billy hit up a mini golf course as Jack shoots at an iguana with a silenced pistol*

Warlock: A miss!

*Pirelli (Ned Eisenberg) gets mad because Jack shot his golf ball*

Warlock: Fore!

*OV (Marshall Bell) wakes up Billy*

Warlock: Isn’t he from Starship Troopers

America: Oh yeah.

*Rescue Me by Aretha Franklin plays as Billy is hung from a chopper by the chest. He eventually gets into it and starts doing flips*

Warlock: Nice song.

*Gene and Billy’s mission is to pick up Senator Davenport. Rob and Major tell him not to let him in on all the shit that goes down*

Warlock: Yeah let’s not all get arrested now.

*General Soong is with Davenport. General Soong says “You take care of shit!”

Warlock: Hahahahaa

*Soong: “I not going from Warlord to Liquor Store Owner!”

Warlock: Good.

*Corrine (Nancy Travis) explains the village to Davenport and Gene*

Warlock: I remember her from Eight Men Out.

*Davenport drinks with Rob and Major and Davenport is concerned about possible drug dens. Major says the drug running IS going on but blames the pilots, not himself. Major pledges to find the culprits*

America: He gets away with it if he finds a scapegoat.

Warlock: Of course.

*Billy and Jack are going to fly cargo for Rob. Pigs, rice and something unnamed*

Warlock: This is not gonna end well.

*The rice is unloaded but Kwanh (Chanarona Suwanpa) falls with it, pulls himself up as Billy freaks out. Jack laughs at him and snaps his picture*

Warlock: Hahahaha

*The pigs are unloaded but cannons are fired at the plane. Jack freaks out but Billy tries to calm him down. The engine is hit. Gene in a different plane tries to calm them both down. They go to make an emergency landing. Jack can’t get the manual landing gear to go. Kwanh jumps with a parachute on*

America: Wheeeeeeeee!

*Billy tells Jack to jump. Jack takes a moment to yell at him before he jumps. Billy says he’s afraid of heights. Jack jumps nd the chute pulls okay….but a watch tower spots him and shoots him down*

Warlock: Nice going idiot, could have stayed with you.

*The plane starts to blow*

Warlock: How is Billy still alive right now?

*Billy manages to stop the busted up plane after the engines and tail all blow off*

Warlock: Least the cows on the ground are okay. By the cow wins best supporting actor.

America: Shut up, I’m taking a moment of silence for the airplane.

Warlock: Blame the Vietnamese, not me.

America: Shaddup, I’m not blaming you, I’m taking a moment.

Warlock: Are you ready?

America: Yeah I’m ready.

*Billy, Kwanh and Jack wait to be rescued*

Warlock: I thought Jack was dead.

America: Guess not.

*A plane lands and they think its American. Its Soong*

Warlock: This isn’t going to go well.

*Billy think he’s being rescued and helps Soong’s men load the heroin. Soong leaves them behind. Jack lets him know that was opium he loaded, Billy had no idea*

Warlock: How naieve can he be?

*Gene makes a daring rescue to save Billy as the other two are on a different plane. Gene’s chopper is shot down with him and Billy in it*

Warlock: Stop hanging around.

America: That’s TWO airplanes.

Warlock: That’s not an airplane.

America: Fine, a helicopter!

*Gene dives out of the crashed chopper and is okay. Billy jumps and lands next to him*

Warlock: They’re alive…yayyyyyyy.

*The other pilots look for Gene and Billy as Run Through The Jungle plays*

Warlock: That song came out in 1970…dammit.

*Billy and Gene banter as they walk through the jungle*

Warlock: Glad they’re okay.

*Major and Rob banter in a restaurant. Soong shows up and starts breaking up the place. Nino (Harvey Jason) says Soong’s opium has been crap. Major tells them both to calm down*

Warlock: Guess we established who the heels are.

*Gene and Billy make it to a brook*

America: Nice and sunny!

*Villagers capture Billy and Gene. Gene explains that they’re pissed about something. Billy is freaking out but Gene remains calm*

Warlock and America: Hahaha.

*Gene makes a deal in native language to sell his guns to them to get away. Gene goes home to his wife (Sinjai Plengpanit) and kids (Natta Nantatanti and Purin Panchipan). Billy and Gene get cleaned up. They banter some more*

Warlock: Good character development.

*Gene gives his life story and Billy understands him better*

Warlock: I’ve seen so many bad movies that this is a first in a long time.

*Davenport wants Rob and Major to investigate the opium den. Meanwhile the body of Jack is carried in on a stretcher*

Warlock: Oh no…

*The pilots have a moment of silence for Jack, shutting up Rob in the process*

Warlock: Damn….

*Soong sits with Davenport and Gene. Gene lets it slip about opium, Davenport wants to know where its coming from and if Jack Neely was behind it. Gene picks up Jack’s coffin and tells Davenport no, Jack wasn’t*

Warlock: What was he gonna say, yes?

*Gene angrily drinks at the bar. Gene says he’s getting out of the business and the pilots razz him about it. He says Davenport is on the hunt for pilots and he’s getting out while he can*

Warlock: Wow.

*Billy says he just bought some grenades and he’s going to have some fun. Gene is concerned. Billy sneaks into the nearby opium den*

Warlock: Oh this is gonna end well.

America: Hmmmm.

Warlock: They’re watching I Dream of Jeannie in there.

*Billy sets a trio of grenades and tapes them together.He pulls the pins, sets a bomb and runs. The whole den blows and Billy runs away. Later on Soong knows it was Billy. Major tries to do damage control. Major says he’s got a scapeggoat. Rob nods his head as Major takes 2 kilos for sabotage*

Warlock: Something…

America: Is afoot!

*Next day Billy says he feels better. Gene says he only shut down the den for 3 hours. Babo loads Billy’s cargo. Meanwhile Soong want’s Corrine’s village moved for his opium fields. The dispatch says Billy has to go for routine inspection. Babo says he’s never been inspected before. Billy says to check the cargo before they land. Meanwhile on the ground, Major, Rob and Davenport are waiting for them. Meanwhile Billy has Babo cut open the bags to find opium. Babo finds it as Billy notices the military police waiting for him. The fuel light is on. Billy says he’s going to land on a nearby airstrip. Babo says they’re VSF “Very severely fucked”

Warlock: Hahahaha.

*Babo spots the old plane Billy crashed and asked if he was a valet driver*

Warlock: Bahahahaha.

*Babo asks what Billy is gonna do when they hit the ground. Billy says he’s working on it.”

Warlock: OOoooh isn’t this exciting?

America: Settle down will ya?

*Billy’s idea is to kamikaze into the old airplane. They are alive. Babo radios for Gene. Gene answers. Gene is on his way. Meanwhile Babo and Billy plan what to do next.Billy’s plan was to hideout. Meanwhile Rob, Major and Davenport are looking for them. Davenport then points the finger at Major. Major “You can’t get me without cutting your own throat. Know why? The president loves my ass!”

Warlock: Weird line but effective.

*Gene shows up in his plane. Babo and Billy hop in. Gene says he has one more drop off and he’s home free. Gene tells the others Soong’s troops have taken over the village. Back at the village, Corrine signals for mayday. Gene hears it. He and Billy debate whether to rescue her*

Warlock: Not a great time for a debate.

*Gene comes in as Gimmie Shelter by Rolling Stones plays*

Warlock: Love the soundtrack.

America: Awesome soundtrack.

*Corrine says to dump the cargo so the village can be saved. Gene has to make a choice, save the town or his retirement plan. He chooses to save the town*

Warlock: What a humanitarian.

*Gene takes down Billy then unloads the guns he was smuggling*

Warlock: There goes his retirement plan.

*Gene blows up the cargo with one of Billy’s grenades, leaves with the villagers, Corrine, Billy and Babo on board*

Warlock: All that money…I think I’m gonna be seasick. Moment of silence.

America: For what?

Warlock: You wanted a moment of silence for the planes, I wanted one for the guns.

America: Ughhhhh

*A duck quacks on the plane*

Warlock: At least Daffy made it.

*Gene says he’ll get the money back by selling the plane. Billy says you can’t, its government property. Gene reasons they’re not here so technically the plane isn’t either*

Warlock: Ha!

*Graphic: Major Lemond was indicted during the Iran/Contra investigation. He was pardoned, promoted and sent to Panama to help Manuel Noriega keep drugs out of America*

Warlock: Oh wonderful.

*Rob Diehl was called before a Senate Committee during the investigation. He repeated the phrase “I have no clear memory of that, sir” 115 times.*

Warlock: I protest, it was 116!

*General dsoong got the Holiday Inn of his dreams. He also became a major force in the California Savings and Loan business*

Warlock: So the bad guys win?

*Gene Ryack joined his family in Thailand. He started 6 business which failed, in 1975 he won the Thai State Lottery*

Warlock: Ha.

*Billy Covington went to Thailand and eventually became a computer whiz. In 1976 he was deported for fixing the Thai State Lottery*

Warlock: Ok that was funny.

Mr. America’s assessment: I’ll give it a 7 out of 10

The Warlock’s assessment: I’ll agree, 7 out of 10

Final Grade: 7 out of 10

*Mr. America rises from the recliner*

America: Classic, it wasn’t the best movie ever but it was definitely fun. They had legitimate airplanes and historically accurate events for the most part. I don’t know about Warlock but I liked it.

*Warlock gets up from the couch and walks in his bedroom*

America: And now a treat for everyone.

*Warlock tosses America the flying V guitar and Warlock plugs in his bass. Warlock turns on a prerecorded Mr Wallstreet drum beat and they play Gimmie Shelter*

Warlock: War…children…its just a shot away…ITS JUST A SHOT AWAY!

*America plays the solo*

America: Have a pleasant evening and a wonderful Memorial Day.

98. Marines (2003)

*PREVIOUSLY ON WARLOCK’S MOVIE REALM*

*The Warlock and Mr America have finished watching Special Forces. Mr Wallstreet walks in*

Wallstreet: I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.

Warlock: Bad news?

Wallstreet: While I was in there I looked on my phone. Did you say there were 3 American Heroes movies?

Warlock: Yeah, see?

*Wallstreet shakes his head and creates two open slots next to the three movies on the rack*

America: What are you doing?

Wallstreet: I looked it up….there weren’t three movies in the American Heroes series. There were FIVE movies. You’re missing two of them. Marines and Submarines.

*America drops to the floor and holds his head in his hands. Warlock hits his head on the movie rack*

Warlock: 10 years down the drain.

Wallstreet: You two…have fun with those.

*3 DAYS AGO*

*The Warlock is on a Skype chat with The Mysterious Benefactor*

TMB: Is everything all set?

Warlock: I got the NCIS project and our 100th movie special all set to go. All that’s left is the unfinished business.

TMB: What unfinished business?

Warlock: You never told me Special Forces wasn’t the last of the American Heroes series.

TMB: You never asked.

Warlock: Yeah big help.

TMB: What are you missing?

Warlock: Marines and Submarines.

TMB: On their way.

*PRESENT DAY*

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a red wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I dont think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky in the shape of an American flag before walking in the lair*

Warlock: Well Mr. America, its time for some unfinished business.

*Mr America is in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: What unfinished business would that be?

*Warlock holds up the dvd cover and America goes bug eyed*

America: No way.

Warlock: Way.

*America takes the dvd and puts it in the player before climbing back in the recliner*

Warlock: Tonight we kick off Memorial Day weekend with a tribute to our troops, the 4th installment of the American Heroes series, MARINES.

America: I don’t think we should be paying tribute to the troops with this pile of shit.

Warlock: Who asked you?

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Its taken 11 years to do these movies, we may as well finish them. Its time for MARINES

Written by Ross Helford

Directed by Mark Roper

Cast:

Brant Cotton	…	Everett
	Frank Sallo	…	Hamburger
	Lawrence Monoson	…	Larby
	Andrew Bowen	…	Guillen
	Thomas R. Martin	…	Westlund (as Tom Martin)
	George Roberson	…	Anslow
	Hristo Shopov	…	Antonov
	Mark Ivanir	…	Kirilenko
	Lou Hirsch	…	Flanders
	Atanas Srebrev	…	Andersen
	George Stanchev	…	Staff 1
	Yavor Kalinov	…	Staff 2
	Nikolai Iliev	…	Staff 3
	Valentin Ganev	…	Sasha
	Kalin Yavorov	…	Essex
	Martin Geraskov	…	Cortesi
	Borislav Chouchkov	…	Deck (as Borislav Chuchkov)
	Nikolai Ilchev	…	Ossorio
	Dimiter Spasov	…	Funador
	Yoanna Boukovska	…	Young Woman
	Vladimir Kolev	…	Russian Soldier
	Georgy Kermenski	…	Russian Soldier
	Zlatko Zlatkov	…	Russian Soldier
	Stoyo Mirkov	…	Russian Soldier
	Anton Ugrinov	…	Russian Soldier
	Valeri Yordanov	…	Russian Soldier
	Orlin Pavlov	…	Injured Marine
	Sasho Raychev	…	Injured Marine (as Svetoslav Raichev)
	Delyan Dabov	…	Criminal (as Delyan Dubov)
	Zachary Baharov	…	Criminal (as Zahari Baharov)
	Marii Rosenov	…	Criminal
	Andrey Slabakov	…	Truck Driver
	Peter Antonov	…	Pilot
	P.K.	…	Marine
	Ivanka Petrova	…	Mother
	Declan Sharp	…	Son
Rest of cast listed alphabetically:
	Niki Iliev

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Enlisting the aid of a group of Russian soldiers, a marine colonel must capture a Russian terrorist.”

America: Commies!

*Nu Image*

America: You spelled New wrong

*Military theme with graphic Marines. LSD landing ship appears*

Warlock: Is that accurate?

America: Close enough.

*Vladimir Atontov (Hristo Shopov) is the movie’s heel. Meanwhile random troops storm Bosnia*

Warlock: Bosnia? Didn’t we already do this in Special Forces?

America: Yeah.

*One of the soldiers has a camera on him to record the mission*

America: You know, if youre gonna record the mission. You may want to have more than one camera.

Warlock: Like in Aliens?

America: Yeah.

*Apache helicopter shows up*

Warlock: Is that accurate?

America: Yes.

*A Team and B Team both say they have eyes on Vladimir, neither one of them do*

Warlock: Somebody screwed up.

America: Oh yeah.

*GI steps on baby doll*

Warlock: Mama!

*Their presence is alerted*

Warlock: COMPROMISED!

*Men with turbans fire on the soldiers*

America: I thought we were in Russia.

Warlock: Bosnia.

*Soldiers wipe out two terrorists*

Warlock: His gun had a barrell on it, props for that.

*Camera shows 0H58D Kaiowa Warrior*

America: Fuck you movie!

Warlock: What?

America: They went from an Apache to an 0H58D Kaiowa Warrior, then back to the Apache. There’s no god damn observation ball on the apache!

*3 marines are pinned down until they throw a grenade. 2 terrorists fly out a window*

America: Weeeeee!

*3 remaining marines find a decoy disguised as Vladimir. They run off*

America: So you’re just gonna leave him there?

*Terrorist escape, news report saying 11 dead and 2 captured*

Warlock: Bad intel.

*America goes berserk*

America: It looked like they showed the wrong type of

*2 guys spar in a boxing ring*

Warlock: Oh boy, Rocky joins the marines.

*Colonel Anslow (George Roberson) is joined by Mr. Flanders (Lou Hirsch). Anslow goes on a rant about how boxing is an art, not just two guys beating each other senseless*

Warlock: Hear hear!

*Anslow wants his marines rescued. Flanders saying Vladimir is enlisting Chechnyan help*

Warlock: Always Chechnya.

America: Good old fashioned bribery.

*Flanders stutters by saying he’s got 36 hours to find Vladimir, capture him and get out*

Warlock: At least we have a plot.

*Flanders: “We have your full cooperation?”

Warlock: Noooooo!

*Flanders says the president wasn’t happy with the last mission*

Warlock: Wonderful.

*Larby (Lawrence Monsoson), Westlund (Thomas R Martin)  Guillen (Andrew Bowen) and other soldiers are briefed on the mission*

Warlock: Can we get some character development please?

*10 guys jump out of a helicopter with AK-47s and is met by Russian soldiers. Hamburger (Frank Sallo) corners the Russian leader while Lt. Everett (Brant Cotton) introduces himself. Kirelenko (Mark Ivanir) is the leader of the Russians. They follow each other away*

Warlock: Finally some names.

*Everett is mad that there’s not many soldiers to work with in just 36 hours. Meanwhile Anslow is in a command center*

America: So that’s the command center? All they have is one computer and a bulletin board? My closet has more space than that.

*Marines walk right into an ambush complete with snipers and motar launchers*

Warlock: They didn’t see that coming?

*Essex (Kalin Yavorov) goes apeshit on a few terrorists*

Warlock: Nice shooting stranger.

*The Russians get annihilated as Essex gets hit in the legs. Everett refuses to retreat no matter what*

Warlock: Well this went south in a hurry.

*Guillen picks off the armored truck dudes*

Warlock: Nice shooting reverand.

*Everett commandeers the truck with Kirilenko inside. Sasha (Valentin Ganev) jumps in but Essex is left behind*

Warlock: They have forsaken you.

*Terrorists surround Essex and capture him*

Warlock: Well so much for him.

*Everett admonishes Kirilenko for running away. Kirilenko admonishes HIM for walking into an ambush*

Warlock: Have a smoke and smile.

*Anslow smells a rat saying Vladimir knew it was coming. Flanders calls Anslow and weasly insults him. Everett says to hell with Flanders and to complete the mission*

Warlock: Wonderful.

*Anslow shuts Flanders off. “We’re having all kinds of problems today”

Warlock: Hahahaha.

*Guillen says in 30 years he doesn’t want to tell his kids he chickened out in Chechnya*

America: That’s a lovely thought.

*Russian soldier shoots himself as they set fire to the armored truck*

Warlock: I don’t want to be in this movie anymore. Goodbye cruel world.

*Anslow watches video of Chechnyan’s hanging a marine from a tank. Flanders demands Everett’s team returned. Anslow says they’re all dead*

Warlock: Wonderful, now its a black op.

*Anslow tells his staff (George, Yavor, Nikolai) “not a peep!”*

Warlock: He means you.

*Marines wander through the streets of Chechnya*

Warlock: Suprised they’re not shot on sight.

*Cute girl smiles at Everett*

America: Hiiiiiiiii

*Girl screams, terrorists attack some farmers. The Sarge wants to attack but Everett says no….until they spot the cute girl being raped.Kirilenko has seen enough*

Warlock: At least one of them has balls.

*Kirilenko wipes out the 3 rapists by himself with a knife. Guillen pops a few more terrorists as Kirlenko saves the cute girl. Meanwhile Sasha runs out of the hay and kills the remaining terrorists*

America: Wow.

*Everett pulls the pin on a grenade and prepares to nuke some hidden terrorists, only to pull the rug back and see its innocent civilians. He throws the grenade away and it takes out half the house*

Warlock: Why didn’t he just put the pin back?

America: Maybe it wasn’t that type of grenade?

*Everett punches Kirilenko for risking their lives to save the woman. Everett says never do that again. Hamburger shakes Kirilenko’s hand*

Warlock: Tough being a hero.

*Meanwhile Vladimir looks over his mounds of gold while taunting someone*

Warlock: What a heel.

*Kirilenko reveals he’s an old friend of Vladimir. He went his way, Vladimir went his own way. Now he’s trying to stop him*

Warlock: At least SOME character development is good.

*Everett has team check for mines*

Warlock: Watch out for claymores.

America: Those are NOT claymores. If they’re trip mines, they don’t need to be poked at.

*Plane takes off after Flanders says air strike is imminent*

America: I love how their airstrike is one lone F-16 that isn’t armed.

Warlock: HAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

*Everett’s team discovers mines all over the place. Meanwhile Anslow and Flanders yell at each other. Anslow says Everett’s man would die to save Flanders’ family*

Warlock: What a speech.

*Flanders tells Anslow to fuck off and says the air strike is on*

Warlock: Can somebody shoot him?

*Sasha steps on a mine and blows*

Warlock: IDIOT! He should have held his position until someone brought him a rock.

*Team charges the bunker and gets some of them killed. Meanwhile someone finds Sasha legless. They laugh with each other until Sasha dies*

Warlock: Ehhhhhhhh

*Kirilenko tosses grenade into bunker, the terrorists blow*

Warlock: Why didn’t they do that originally.

*Marines have shootout with tank gunners*

Warlock: Ok…we’re nearly done with the movie. They’re supposed to be after this terrorist and they’re not even close to finding him.

*Vladimir is on his way and Kirilenko turns heel, taking Everett and his team hostage. Meanwhile the gold is being loaded. Kirilenko was the rat all along*

Warlock: That was predictable but not totally.

*Vladimir taunts Everett. He and Kirilenko laugh and leave arm in arm*

Warlock: Former best friends, still best friends.

*Hamburger, Guillen, Westlund, Essex, Everett and Larby are still alive. Meanwhile Kirilenko and Vladimir drink and celebrate. Kirilenko admits that he makes 58 dollars a month, Vladimir is stunned. Kirilenko wants to prove his loyalty by killing an American. Kirilenko then switches back face and helps the team escape. They overpower some terrorists and go their separate ways*

Warlock: Wonderful

America: What is he a triple agent?

*Kirilenko comandeers a truck but Vladimir shoots him down. Vladimir commandeers the truck. He whistles as he drive*

Warlock: A nice relaxing Sunday drive.

*Everett jumps in the back of the truck as Hamburger catches up to Kirilenko. They share bonding moments before Kirilenko dies*

Warlock and America: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh

*Anslow says to cancel the air strike. The unarmed F-16’s fly away. Meanwhile Everett and Vladimir fight on the moving truck*

Warlock: The final battle.

*The truck of gold crashes as Everett and Vladimir fly out of it. Vladimir is captured*

Warlock: Wow.

*Hamburger wrestles Vladimir to the ground but Everett says they need him alive. Everett reports to Anslow they got Vladimir alive. They tell Flanders the gold is destroyed. When Flanders signs off, Everett tells Anslow they have the gold. They leave Vladimir to the Russian citizens and walk away*

Warlock: He’s gonna get the Kadaffi treatment.

*Movie ends with Vladimir executed*

Warlock: At least they had the right ending.

Mr. America’s Assessment: 3.5….I give the point five for the actual apache.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 3 out of 10. Some good things, LOT of bad things.

Final Grade: 3.0…..Trash

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Mr. America was right, that was a pile of shit. It wasn’t even about American marines as it was ongoing Russian affairs. They couldn’t even get that right.

America: We waited 11 years for that?

Warlock: Good news is, its over.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and the dvd cover flies to his hand, he flicks his other wrist and the dvd pops out of the player and into the dvd box. He goes over to the two empty slots that Mr Wallstreer created and puts Marines into an empty slot*

America: You know we still have one more to do, right?

Warlock: Unfortunately.

America: Can I just pull the pin on my grenade instead?

Warlock: No…..and everyone else, have a pleasant evening.

97. American Ninja 4: The Annihilation (1990)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair, he’s dressed as Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair………welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*The Warlock goes to shoot an ice ball but stops himself. Walks into the lair*

Warlock: Tonight’s film is the last of the American Ninja series. We say goodbye to Steve James but welcome back Michael Dudikoff. The two ninjas will team up to kick some ass.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*

Neyz: Oh I’m on the edge of my seat *rolls eyes*

*Warlock takes his seat*

Warlock: Nobody asked you. Also at the end of the movie will be a live chat via satellite with the Grand Master of Martial Arts, Jon Blaze.

Neyz: Don’t you have anyone else to talk to?

Warlock: So without any further delay, its time for American Ninja 4.

Written by Avi Kleinberger, James Booth and Gideon Amir

Directed by Cedric Sundstrom

Cast:

Michael Dudikoff	…	Joe Armstrong
	David Bradley	…	Sean Davidson
	James Booth	…	Mulgrew
	Dwayne Alexandre	…	Brackston
	Ken Gampu	…	Dr. Tamba
	Robin Stille	…	Sarah
	Frantz Dobrowsky	…	O’Reilly (as Franz Dobrowsky)
	Ron Smerczak	…	Maksood
	Kely McClung	…	Super Ninja / Delta Force Team
	Jody Abrahams	…	Pango
	Anthony Fridjhon	…	Freddie / Treddle (as Anthony Fridjohn)
	David Sherwood	…	Gavin
	Sean Kelly	…	Norris
	Jamie Bartlett	…	Segal
	Deon Stewardson	…	Delta Force Team
	David Rees	…	Delta Force Team
	Craig Ginsberg	…	Delta Force Team
	Brian Mabelane	…	Delta Force Team
	Bob Necols	…	Delta Force Team
	John Pasternak	…	Carlos
	Robin Smith	…	Schultz
	Chris Olley	…	Pig (as Chris Ollie)
	Philip van der Byl	…	Igor (as Phillip van der Bijl)
	Isaac Mavimbela	…	Abdul
	Ted Le Plat	…	John F. (as Ted le Plat)
	Seth Sehloho	…	President Bender
	Mankaba Mabathoana	…	Bender Girl
	Captain Majara	…	Pilot
	Nakedi Ribane	…	Tilly (as Nakidi Ribane)
	Jim Harris	…	Tilly’s Father
	Clement Mullenger	…	Vicar (as Father Hallinger)
	Tony Daly	…	Dwayne Barnes
	Max Granau	…	Ninja
	Gernot Hassenplug	…	Ninja
	Volker Wolf	…	Ninja
	Thomas Witt	…	Ninja
	Veit Martin	…	Ninja
	Bob Nicols	…	Ninja
	Anthony Fourie	…	Gymnast

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “The two American Ninjas, Joe Armstrong and Sean Davidson, team up to do battle against a terrorist and his band of Ninjas.”

Neyz: Wonderful, more ninjas.

*Movie opens with a group  soldiers on the run, shooting into the air and running.*

Warlock: Least we’re jumping right into it.

*The delta force team (Deon Stewardson, David Rees, Craig Ginsburg, Brian Mabelane, Bob Necols) is on the run from Ninjas. One is dispatched by a ninja easily. Two soldiers spot a group of ninjas standing on a cliff a mile away and open fire…hitting nothing*

Warlock: Hahaha what was that?

*The ninjas attack and the Delta team does manage to take out a few of them but are ultimately wiped out. In between are unusually long death drops*

Warlock: Ughhhhhh *slow motion death*

Neyz: Cut it out.

*Ninjas attack in the woods and drag a few soldiers, they continue to run away.”

Warlock: So much for no man left behind.

*The 4 remaining soldiers make it to an inflatable canoe and try to paddle away*

Warlock: They were better off swimming for it.

*A whole gaggle of ninjas pop out of the water and surround the canoe, the team is captured. The dastardly Colonel Mulgrew (James Booth) looks on*

Warlock: Uh-huh….just chilling in the water for god knows how long, they can breathe underwater apparently.

*Next scene is a wedding between Carl Brackston (Dwayne Alexandre) and Tilly (Nakidi Ribane). Sean Davidson (David Bradley) is best man. Her father (Tim Harris) gives her away. The Vicar (Clement Mullenger) asks if there are any objections.*

Warlock: I protest!

Neyz: You shut up.

Warlock: No seriously, this should have been Curtis Jackson. For whatever reason Steve James isn’t here so they wrote in a new character.

*Davidson gets a call on his walkie talkie saying he and Carl are needed NOW. Davidson tries to say they’re at the altar but no avail. Its an Interpol red alert. Sean pulls Carl away before he could say I do.*

Neyz: Couldn’t have waited 30 more seconds?

Warlock: I blame the Vicar for babbling instead of just saying “Kiss the bride.”

*Carl runs off as her father protests. They hop in the Just Married limo and take off*

Warlock: Daaa da da da da.

*At HQ, Brackston says Colonel Mulgrew is a sadist who hates the British and Americans. He murdered prisoners while under interrogation. He’s been helping known terrorist Maksood (Ron Smerczak) train his ninja assassins.  Davidson says the four survivors will be killed unless they pay a 50,000 dollar ransom*

Warlock: 50 grand? The president wipes his ass with 50 grand.

*Sean and Carl are to parachute in and save the day. Sean tells Carl to buzz off for a second. Sean yells at Gavin (David Sherwood) for bringing Carl in since he’s not a field agent. Sean says they’re gonna need more help against a ninja. Gavin argues he’s the best they got left, Sean asks about Joe Armstrong (Michael Dudikoff) and Gavin scoffs. He says he’s with the peace corps and doesn’t want anything to do with this*

Warlock: Well so much for Joe.

Neyz: That can’t be. There would be no movie.

*Gavin tells Sean good luck and Sean says they’re gonna need it. Sean and Carl parachute in*

Warlock: A whole team gets wiped out and now they’re gonna send in two guys?

Neyz: Very unrealistic.

*Carl asks who their contact is. Sean doesn’t answer but stops something. Carl “That could be him”

Warlock: 20 bucks its a girl.

Neyz: I believe you.

*Its a boy who speaks with a New Zealand accent. Sean says they’re the big blue wrecking crew. The boy says “Why didn’t you say so? I’m Pango (Jody Abrahams) your contact.”

Warlock: Eh, close enough.

*They hop in a car but the engine won’t turn over*

Warlock: Happens every movie.

*On a commuter bus, Pango and Carl hold a movie debate with Sean in the middle looking ready to jump out a window*

Neyz: That’s me right now.

*Pango leads Sean and Carl to a seedy bar. A reggae band plays as they make their entrance*

Warlock: Reminds me of Marked For Death only that ain’t Jimmy Cliff.

*Seedy bar patrons give Carl the evil eye*

Neyz: I have a feeling there’s gonna be a fight.

*Fat guy laughs at Sean and Carl and tells Igor (Philip Van der Byl) to throw them out. Carl smashes a bottle over his head but it has no effect. Igor throws Carl out of the way but Sean fights him off. Igor smashes through the pool table. A pier six brawl takes place with Sean wiping out everyone*

Warlock: Good call.

*Fat guy apologizes and says come with him. He leads the trio to his apartment upstairs. He’s gonna fill everyone in….until the cops show up. Fat guy goes over the building blueprints and say the bomb making facility isn’t totally protected. Mulgrew shows up outside with O’Reilly (Frantz Dobrowsky) in tow. Fat guy freaks out*

Warlock: Everybody panic!

*Fat guy says if anything happens, ask for Dr. Tamba (Ken Gampu). Sean and Carl run for it as Pango and fat guy are caught. The guy’s name is Freddie (Anthony Fridjhon) and O’Reilly shoots him in the head*

Warlock: So much for the fat man.

*O’Reilly grills Pango and Pango fights back as Sean and Carl jump out of the closet and attack.  Mulgrew goes to shoot them but O’Reilly says he wants them alive*

Warlock: Yeah, shoot to miss.

*Police search for Pango, Sean and Carl but they disguise themselves and run for the local mission*

Warlock: Always a church.

*Sarah (Robin Stille) brings Pango, Sean and Carl inside. The police show up and Sarah leads them to a mortuary. Sean “Is this what you do for a living?”

Warlock: Yeah really.

*Sarah makes everyone lie on slabs and cover themselves to look dead. Mulgrew goes to kick the door in and Sarah opens. She says they’re there to pick up the diseased bodies and Mulgrew goes inside alone. He walks around but doesn’t lift any sheets*

Warlock: Idiot should have lifted a few sheets.

Neyz: Yeah, what a dope.

*Mulgrew and the troops run off as Sarah introduces herself to Carl and Sean. Sean doesn’t want to involve Sarah and she says she already is. He volunteers to take her to Sulfer Springs and that’s it*

Warlock: That’s too easy.

*Mulgrew is torturing the bar patrons and he kills both of them before setting is sights on Igor. Igor tells him to fuck off before Mulgrew hangs him*

Warlock: Great for heel heat.

*O’Reilly tells Mulgew that the Americans have gotten away and Mulgrew says he should have killed Sarah like he killed her father. They put out an APB on them. Meanwhile Sean meditates by himself and puts together his weapons*

Warlock: Where the hell is Joe? We’re already 30 minutes into the movie.

*A whole gaggle of ninjas have Sean surrounded and he starts fighting them off, taking them all out singlehandedly despite being outnumbered 25 to 1. Carl tries shooting them but they dodge the bullets. Pango runs off as the others are captured*

Warlock: Now they need to be rescued too. Perfect time for Joe.

*A secret ninja training facility is shown with dozens of ninjas training. One person overlooks them. Maksood is with Mulgrew an Mulgrew says to execute the prisoners, Maksood says patience. Meanwhile the ninja leader runs around the obstacle course better than everyone else. Other ninjas fall to their deaths but the leader looks unbeatable*

Warlock: Establishing him as a badass early.

*Carl, Sean and Sarah are led in front of Maksood. Sean is kicked around without fighting back for a minute before he starts cleaning house. Maksood looks on concerned as Sean wipes out the competition. A tranquilizer dart stops Sean cold and Mulgrew taunts him*

Warlock: Oh yeah, big tough guy.

*Sean is brought to a dungeon. Maksood tells Mulgrew that they will be executed the next morning. Mulgrew forces one of the Delta Force survivors to lick his shoe or he gets whipped*

Neyz: Blerghhhh

*Carl is whipped by Mulgrew and Maksood says not to kill them yet. He wants Mulgrew to give Sarah a “stiff talking to”

Warlock: This autta be good.

*He goes to kiss up on her but she spits in his face*

Neyz: Hell yeah.

*Next frame shows Joe finally making his appearance inside a church of some kind. He wants to teach a bunch of kids about environment. A liason shows up and he sends the kids outside so they can talk. He says Sean and Carl have been captured and he wants Joe to help save them*

Warlock: Since when was Sean his friend?

*Montage of Joe doing menial tasks and thinking before he hops a plane. He lands in the country and runs into Pango. He tells him to take him to Sulfur Springs. Pango tells of what happened and says Sarah is in trouble along with Sean and Carl. He wants to know about Sulfur Springs and President Bender (Seth Sehloho) wants Mulgrew and Maksood gone but failed to get rid of them. Tamba is the key to an overthrow and Pango says Joe must convince him to join the cause*

Warlock: You get all that?

Neyz: So far.

*Pango’s car is attacked by ninjas and Joe wipes them out by himself. Pango and Joe make it to Tamba’s fortress and the gatekeeper laughs at them with a shotgun. He lets them in and Pango runs for it*

Warlock: Its like Mad Max up here.

*Gatekeeper wants to fight Joe and he takes on 3 tough guys by himself…and whips them easy. Tamba himself looks on with a smile. Gatekeeper cocks a shotgun and Joe disarms him as Tamba says to stop fighting*

Warlock: They’re on the same side!

*The gatekeeper says “Welcome to Sulfur Springs!” and everyone claps. Joe wants Tamba’s help to storm Maksood’s fortress and rescue everyone. Tamba says they’re having a party and they should show up as uninvited guests*

Neyz: Party crashers.

*President Bender and the Ambassador calls Mulgrew and Maksood scum. Mulgrew asks him to step outside and tells O’Reilly to hold his drink. Maksood and Mulgrew tell him that they’re going to execute all the Americans. Joe shows up disguised as a priest and O’Reilly spots him*

Warlock: Uh oh.

*O’Reilly follows Joe and says he’s under arrest and Joe knocks him out with the Vulcan nerve pinch*

Warlock: Mr. Spock would be proud.

*Joe snoops around for clues. Maksood and Mulgrew finds O’Reilly on the ground and O’Reilly said the priest did it. Joe grabs a map and gets away in time. He makes it to the getaway car as Maksood, Mulgrew and O’Reilly are too late*

Warlock: Yeah, take that you bastards.

*Back in the prison, everyone loses hope. Back in Maksood’s office they go over what to do. Maksood goes to pray as Mulgrew tells him Mecca is the OTHER way*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

*Joe makes a new sword and the next day goes to fight alone as Tamba rallies the troops. They charge as O’Reilly warns Mulgrew. Joe is taking a speedboat in the back way as Maksood is in front waiting for Tamba’s crew*

Warlock: Half hour left to go, too early for the final battle.

*Maksood and Mulgrew enter the dungeon and taunts the prisoners. Mulgrew slaps Sarah around and Sean yells at him. Joe hops in a hole and changes into ninja gear. Maksood has the place rigged to blow and Mulgrew shuts it off just before it goes. Maksood wants to meet Allah and of course Mulgrew objects*

Warlock: Even he’s like “what the holy hell?”

*Joe climbs the walls as Tamba’s crew makes it to the ninja fortress. O’Reilly tells them to turn back and they laugh at him. Tamba’s troops open fire and storms the palace Mad Max style*

Warlock: Wonder how they didn’t get sued for that.

*Joe infiltrates the back way. Maksood and Mulgrew wonder what all the noise is, Mulgrew figures out Joe is going for the ammunition supply since the map was stolen. Joe continues to fight as Maksood loads up a chopper with the bomb inside. Meanwhile Joe fights off a gaggle of ninjas by himself*

Neyz: One man wrecking crew.

*The prisoners are brought out for a public execution. Joe catches an arrow in his teeth and spits it at a ninja, killing him*

Warlock: HAHAHAA WHAT????

*Joe rescues someone who starts attacking him. Its one of the ninjas*

Warlock: What a set up.

*Joe kills the ninja as Maksood delivers an epic speech*

Warlock: I’m convinced

Neyz: You are not.

*Maksood has one prisoner executed by lighting him on fire. Meanwhile Joe makes it outside in a yellow ninja suit*

Warlock: The inspiration for Scorpion?

*Joe uses smoke bombs to free Sean, who frees Carl. Sean frees Sarah and they attack the ninjas. Joe rescues a prisoner who rescues the other prisoners.  Maksood tells the Super Ninja (Kelly McClung) to take out Joe. They stare at each other before Joe’s crew backs away. Tamba’s troops storm the fortress and wipes out the ninjas*

Warlock: Charge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*The Super Ninja wants Joe and the prisoners go to help fight the ninjas with Sarah staying behind. Maksood makes a run for the chopper and he goes to take off. Mulgrew runs for the chopper but it leaves before he can get on it. Mulgrew “You Arab prick!”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Carl uses a rocket launcher to blow Maksood’s chopper to smithereeens. Mulgrew takes Sarah prisoner and runs for it. Sean goes to rescue her. Meanwhile Joe and Super Ninja circle each other*

Warlock: About time.

*Joe and Super fight. Sean stalks Mulgrew and nearly gets wiped out with an axe. Sean kicks the shit out of him as Joe and Super are about equal. Sean spinkicks Mulgrew through a table as Joe spinkicks Super through onto a bunch of boxes. Joe tosses a small grenade on him….which blows Super Ninja to smithereens!*

Warlock: Light up the sky!

*Sarah and Sean hug and he says its over. Outside Joe hands the Scorpion outfit to Pango as Tamba smiles. Joe and Tamba shake hands as Sean and Sarah walk out.  Joe surveys the damage outside*

Warlock: Look at this mes! The saints preserve us!

*Joe “Sean….find me at school”  end credits*

Neyz: Thank god its over

Neyzor Blades Assessment: That was all kinds of boring, 4 out of 10

The Warlock’s Assessment: What a giant let down. I was hoping for a big team-up where Joe and Sean lay waste to terrorists but half the movie was Sean on his own and the other half was Joe trying to rescue him. The final 10 minutes didn’t make up for the previous 80. I give it a 4.5 out of 10

Final Grade: 4 out of 10 – Bad

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that wasn’t the best I’ve ever seen. Now it makes more sense not to have Curtis Jackson since David Bradley was more or less in that role. After all, can’t have too many protagonists in the movie right? Just kidding. Bottom line was they tried to put the two heroes together but they weren’t around each other long enough to really make it fun. Imagine a whole movie of them going back and forth, maybe even fighting each other and taking down Maksood at the end. Anyway that’s just mental masturbation. Now, joining us live via satelitte is the Grand Master of Martial Arts, Jon Blaze. Jon can you hear me?

*The dvd menu fades and Jon Blaxe appears on screen next to a tree wearing Joe’s yellow outfit from the movie*

Jon: Yes Warlock, thank you for having me. Its been a long time.

Warlock: Yes it has. We just got done watching American Ninja 4, only took us 6 months to do it. What can you tell us about the lack of usage of Joe and Sean together.

Jon: Anytime you have two main characters, sharing screen time us a problem. The producers felt to gie them justice was to have one dominate the first half and the other the second half.

Warlock: Which failed miserably.

Jon: I wouldn’t say that, it just didn’t work out that well.

Warlock: What did you think of the final battle?

Jon: Disappointing. Usually the ninja leader has a back story and a reason to get behind the character, not this time. That Super Ninja was not well developed at all.

Warlock: The writers got lazy.

Jon: That happens sometimes.

Warlock: Wasn’t there an American Ninja 5 planned?

Jon: Yes and no. What happened was they made a martial arts movie and slapped the American Ninja franchise tag on it for absolutely no reason. I suggest to stay away from it.

Warlock: For once I’ll take your advice.

Jon: Good man.

Warlock: Until next time.

Jon: Goodbye old friend.

*Blaze bows and the screen fades, the dvd menu returns*

Neyz: You are so full of shit. You’re going to find American Ninja 5 aren’t you?

Warlock: You betcha, but that’s not for a long while. I got other fish to fry right now.

Neyz: What do you mean?

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

96. Fatal Attraction (1987)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a blue wife-beater and jeans, black gargoyle shades and white sneakers. He’s holding a glass of Barq’s root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock opens his palm and flame emanates, he closes his palm and he walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight is a fan request. Someone said this movie was utter trash and I figured to give it a shot.

Neyz: So what pile of crap are we doing?

Warlock: Fatal Attraction. The story of a cheating husband who’s girlfriend goes complete psycho on him.

*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner in standard attire*

Neyz: So who’s the bad guy here?

Warlock: That’s what we intend to find out.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get started with Fatal Attraction.

Written by James Dearden

Directed by Adrian Lyne

Cast:

Michael Douglas	…	Dan Gallagher
	Glenn Close	…	Alex Forrest
	Anne Archer	…	Beth Gallagher
	Ellen Latzen	…	Ellen Gallagher (as Ellen Hamilton Latzen)
	Stuart Pankin	…	Jimmy
	Ellen Foley	…	Hildy
	Fred Gwynne	…	Arthur
	Meg Mundy	…	Joan Rogerson
	Tom Brennan	…	Howard Rogerson
	Lois Smith	…	Martha
	Mike Nussbaum	…	Bob Drimmer
	J.J. Johnston	…	O’Rourke
	Michael Arkin	…	Lieutenant
	Sam Coppola	…	Fuselli (as Sam J. Coppola)
	Eunice Prewitt	…	Receptionist
	Jane Krakowski	…	Babysitter
	Justine Johnston	…	Real Estate Agent
	Mary Joy	…	Teacher
	Christine Farrell	…	Teacher
	Marc McQue	…	Chuck
	James Eckhouse	…	Man in Japanese Restaurant
	Faith Geer	…	Nurse
	Carol Schneider	…	Waitress
	David Bates	…	Executive
	Anna Thomson	…	Secretary (as Anna Levine)
	Alicia Perusse	…	Ellen’s Friend
	Christopher Rubin	…	Lawyer
	Thomas Saccio	…	Bartender
	Greg Rhodes	…	Bar Patron (as Greg Scott)
	Chris Manor	…	Doorman
	Jonathan Brandis	…	Party Guest
	Joe Chapman	…	Party Guest
	Judi M. Durand	…	Party Guest
	Lillian Garrett	…	Party Guest
	J.D. Hall	…	Party Guest
	Barbara Harris	…	Party Guest
	Rocky Krakoff	…	Party Guest (as Angelo Bruno Krakoff)
	Carlo Steven Krakoff	…	Party Guest
	Amy Lyne	…	Party Guest
	David McCharen	…	Party Guest
	Larry Moss	…	Party Guest
	Mio Polo	…	Party Guest
	Jan Rabson	…	Party Guest
	Marilyn Schreffler	…	Party Guest
	Vladimir Skomarovsky	…	Party Guest
	Dennis Tufano	…	Party Guest
	Lynnanne Zager	…	Party Guest
Rest of cast listed alphabetically:
	Kim Chan	…	Party Guest (uncredited)
	James ‘Packy’ Dolan	…	Mover (uncredited)
	Reese Golchin	…	Bowler (uncredited)
	Tony LaFortezza	…	Truck Loader (uncredited)
	Antone Pagán	…	Salsa Dancer (uncredited)
	Sherry Pagán	…	Salsa Dancer (uncredited)

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A married man’s one night stand comes back to haunt him when that lover begins to stalk him and his family.”

Neyz: I have no love for cheaters.

*We opens with credits with no music as dawn approaches*

Warlock: The calm before the storm.

*Ellen Gallagher (Ellen Latzen) watches You Can’t Do That On Television while Beth Gallagher (Anne Archer), her mother, tries to get her ready. The father Dan Gallagher (Michael Douglas) reads the paper with headphones on*

Warlock: Yes! I loved that show.

*The telephone rings and Dan answers in his underwear*

Warlock: Bahahaha.

Neyz: Nice yellow labador

*Hildy (Ellen Foley) is on the phone. Beth is brushing her teeth in her underwear*

Warlock: Nice granny panties.

*Beth and Dan are on their way to a party. Ellen draws on herself with lipstick*

Warlock: Damn kids.

*Dan wonders where his blue suit is. Beth drops something and says “Shit, shit , shit.” Ellen walks away and says “Shit, shit shit”

Neyz: Kids repeating their parents.

Warlock: We all did it.

*Christine the babysitter (Jane Krakowski) walks in and Ellen greets her with a present*

Warlock: Presentsssss!!!!!

*The party is packed. The guests (Jonathan Brandis, Joe Chapman, Judi M Durand, Lillian Garrett, JD Hall, Barbara Harris, Rocky Krakoff, Carlo Steven Krakoff, Amy Lyne, David McCharen, Larry Moss, Mio Polo, Jan Rabson, Marilyn Schreffler, Vladimir Skomarovsky, Dennis Turfano and Lynnanne Zager) all banter*

Warlock: What a crew.

*Dan says hi to Chuck (Marc McQue) and says he’s in the cellar. He says Beth’s hair is perfect.  He runs into Bob Drimmer (Mike Nussbaum) who apologizes for the meeting called the next day*

Warlock: He better apologize for the crummy neck brace he has on.

Neyz: Oh stop it.

*Dan and his friend make fun of a Japanese dignitary when the friend spots Alex Forrest (Glenn Close) she leers at them and walks away*

Warlock: She looks HIDEOUS! Great character appearance.

*Bartender (Thomas Saccio) serves Alex as Dan laughs with her about leering at his friend, now known as Jimmy (Stuart Pankin). Dan introduces himself and asks what she’s doing here. He says he’s on the legal team and she says she’s the new editor. Dan has to go and says it was nice to meet her*

Neyz: She doesn’t look that bad.

Warlock: I guess, its 80’s hair so she gets pass.

Neyz: Oh you’re so kind…

*Beth says goodbye to Christine and Dan has to take Quincy the dog for a walk. Dan “You did such a good business boy.”

Warlock: How come you never compliment me for that?

Neyz: Are you fucking kidding?

*Dan can’t sleep in his own bed, Ellen took his spot*

Warlock: Sick the dog on her.

Neyz: Will you stop?

*Ellen and Beth go on a trip, leaving Quincy and Dan alone. Dan goes to the big meeting with Bob, Jimmy, Alex and others. Dan asks if the story they’re publishing is based on a real story and Alex says yes. Bob keeps talking and Dan flirts with Alex without using words*

Warlock: The seeds are planted.

*Dan can’t get his umbrella open in the rain, Alex walks up to him, neither can get a cab. They go and have a drink. He babbles on about representing his mother’s divorce case. Beth laughs. Alex lights up a cigarette and asks if he’s discrete, he says yes. She says she is too*

Neyz: I don’t like this.

*Alex says she stood up her date that night, Dan says his wife is in the country. Alex says he’s with a strange girl being a naughty boy. Dan pretty much says if she wants some action, its up to her. Dan respects her honesty. She says they’re two adults. Dan says to get the check. Next frame i them fucking on his kitchen counter*

Neyz: Cheating scumbag.

Warlock: Michael Douglas was 43 at the time, Glenn Close was 40. So if anyone tells you that your sex life is over at 40, hogwash!

Neyz: He does have a nice ass.

Warlock: I can’t see her yet, can’t tell you.

*She turns the faucet on as they fuck*

Warlock: Multitasking, does her and the dishes.

*He carries her to the bed and they continue. Later on they lie in bed watching a ceiling fan*

Warlock: I’d rather watch the lampshade.

*Alex takes Dan to a salsa dance club after they finish*

Warlock: His ballbag would be killing him if he came.

*Alex molests him in the elevator to her apartment. She starts tearing off her dress and they go at it again*

Warlock: She does look good for 40, 80’s hair excluded.

*He finishes her off in the elevator, he drops her off and walks home*

Warlock: Well that was fun?

*Dan gets home and checks his answering machine. His wife says to call her in the morning*

Warlock: Ruh roh.

*Grandma answers when Dan calls and Dan asks for Beth. She asks what happened to him, he said he had dinner with Bill last night*

Neyz: Who’s Bill?

Warlock: Nobody.

*Beth says Ellen wants a rabbit and he snaps at her. Beth says she’s staying there another day to avoid traffic and as soon as he hangs up, Alex calls. She asks where he was and he says he left a note. She wants his company and he tries to blow her off but she insists. He thinks about it and goes to see her*

Warlock: Maybe he shouldn’t have.

*Alex and Dan run with Quincy ant the dog. They tackle each other. Dan plays dead and Alex falls for it. She says her dad died of a heart attack in front of her when she was 7 years. He says he’s sorry but then she starts laughing and says her dad is alive and well, living in Phoenix. Dan ‘Ya got me’

Warlock: Got me too.

*Alex cooks spaghetti while listening to opera. They share character development as Dan explains one of the only times his father was nice was comforting him during a production of Madame Butterfly*

Warlock: That play was actually good.

*Quincy talks to a pigeon outside*

Neyz: Awww its a gizzards.

*Alex wonders why the only interesting guys are married. Dan says he’s been married for 9 years with a 6 year old girl.  She asks why he’s here and says she wants to see him again. He tries to backtrack by saying she’s terrific but he’s married. Alex tells him calmly “Just my luck”

Warlock: Can’t really feel sorry for the guy.

*Next frame shows them sleeping together naked. He wakes up and says he has to go home. She says she doesn’t like how he always runs away rafter they have sex. She gets mad and starts ripping his shirt and punches him before pouting in bed*

Neyz: Brought it on himself for fucking with another woman’s emotions.

*He asks what her problem is and she is sorry. He says to be reasonable and she correctly says he used her and now is going home to his wife. He tries to justify and she says not to. “If you told me to fuck off I’d have more respect for you.” Dan “All right then, fuck off.” She screams “AND YOU GET OUT!” She starts crying as he gathers his clothes and goes to leave. She says to say goodbye nicely and be friends. He walks up to her and kisses her as she cries. She wraps her arms on his face and he asks why her hands are all wet. He looks down and Alex has slit her wrists*

Neyz: Oh come on, I don’t like it.

Warlock: Woahhhh yeah.

*He sticks her hands in the sink and wraps a tourniquet around her wrists. He runs around trying to bandage her up*

Neyz: She’s psycho!

Warlock: Can’t say he didn’t deserve it.

*He leaves her sleeping and makes a phone call to his wife. She overhears it and is sad. Next day Dan consoles Alex and tells her he’s leaving, promising to call her. He runs home, unmakes the bed and feeds the spaghetti his wife made to the dog. He goes to the office and his receptionist Martha (Lois Smith) asks why he’s there. He says he’s way behind*

Warlock: Yeah right.

*He comes home and Ellen runs up to him. He kisses Beth and she says she should go away more often*

Warlock: Don’t say that.

*Ellen says grandpa showed her a trick. They laugh with each other about rabbits. Beth asks when she’ll look at the new house they want to move to, he says tomorrow morning. He goes with her and the real estate agent (Justine Johnston) says its a wonderful place. He walks upstairs and says its his new den. They kiss*

Warlock: Something has to go wrong or there would be no moving.

*Eunice the receptionist (Eunice Prewitt) says someone is there to see Dan. Its Alex and Dan isn’t happy. He brings her to his office as Jimmy protests. He says he was going to call her that day. She says its embarrassing but she apologizes. Dan says nothing happened*

Warlock: We just imagined the whole thing.

*She invites him to see Madame Butterfly no strings attached and Dan says he can’t. Alex says she’ll see him around and he hugs her. He tells her to take care and she leaves. He breathes a sigh of relief*

Warlock: Wonderful.

*Alex sits alone in her apartment with lights flickering listening to opera*

Warlock: Oh yeah, she’s nutzo.

*Jimmy bowls with Dan, Beth and Jimmy’s wife*

Warlock: 7 pins is better than a gutterball.

*Back and forth montage of Dan having fun with Alex alone pouting*

Warlock: Great imagery.

*Dan walks with Arthur (Fred Gwynne) and talks business*

Neyz: Isn’t that the judge from My Cousin Vinny?

Warlock: Yup.

*Alex calls Dan as Dan says he’ll see Arthur on Tuesday. Dan answers and tells Alex not to call him at work. He tries to let her down lightly*

Warlock: He brought this on himself.

*Dan tells his secretary if she calls again, tell her he’s not there. Beth and Dan bond in the mirror*

Warlock: Awww

*Jimmy and Hildy are over Dan’s apartment having fun with Dan and Beth. He cracks up the table with several jokes. Jimmy raises a toast to Dan for getting in tight with Arthur and moving to the country. The phone rings and Beth answers. Dan is concerned as Beth keeps saying “Hello, hello” before hanging up*

Warlock: Something….is afoot!

*Dan is in bed with Beth sleeping. Its 2:13 AM and the phone rings. He answers and its Alex pacing around back and forth. She grills him for not answering and says to meet her at 6 pm tomorrow and hangs up*

Warlock: Well isn’t this wonderful.

*He meets her at 6 and he yells at her to go away. She tells him she loves him and he’s not buying it. He asks if she understands how he has a whole relationship. Alex drops a bombshell that she’s pregnant*

Warlock: wompwompwomppppppppppp

Neyz: Oh how the tables have turned.

*He asks how she knows the baby is his and she coldly tells him she doesn’t sleep around. He says he’s sorry. He says he’ll pay for the abortion and she asks why she would do that. She says she wants to have it and he starts freaking out. She says she’s 36 and this is her last chance to have a baby*

Warlock: 40 in real life but who’s counting.

*Alex “You play fair with me, I’ll play fair with you.”

Warlock: Why do I smell blackmail?

Neyz: Because it is.

*Beth is reading to Ellen as Dan goes over paperwork. Later Dan waits for Alex to leave her apartment and buzzes himself in. He breaks into her apartment and searches for something*

Warlock: What the hell is he looking for?

Neyz: The pregnancy test.

*Dan finds a scrapbook where there’s a cut-out obituary of Alex’s father who really did die in 1959. Next frame he hits up the library to tell Jimmy everything. He asks Jimmy for advice and he doesn’t know what to do either. Dan says he doesn’t want to lose his family*

Warlock: Should have thought of that before fucking Alex.

*Alex is on her bed on the phone, apparently Dan had their number changed. She tells the operator she needs the new number and the operator says he can’t give it out. Alex “WELL FUCK YOU!” Operator “Your place or mine?” She hangs up*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Dan nearly gets run over by a car on his way out of the office*

Warlock: Hahahaha look both ways buddy.

*Dan walks into his apartment and none other than Alex wants to buy it when they leave. Alex is talking to Beth and Dan walks in with a priceless look on his face*

Neyz: Busted!

*Alex introduces herself and admits they met at the party weeks before. Dan is skeptical and is forced to tell her where he’s about to move to*

Warlock: Well there goes his escape plan.

*Alex has told Beth she’s expecting and Dan says he has some work to do*

Warlock: He’s about to dive out a window.

*Beth says she’s going to give Alex their new number*

Warlock: Oh fuck.

*Beth shows Alex the door and she says she’ll keep in touch. Once she leaves Dan tries to play it off but he’s obviously miffed. He then goes to Alex’s apartment and she buzzes him in. He walks in and yells at her. He wants to stop everything but she points out that the baby is his. Alex protests about being ignored*

Warlock: She’s supposed to be the villain but I can’t help but feel sorry for her.

Neyz::Yeah he’s a scumbag.

*Dan “You’re sick!” Alex “Why? Because I won’t allow you to treat me like some slut you can just bang a couple times and throw in the garbage?”

Neyz: Hear hear.

Warlock: Again, I’m on her side on that one.

*Dan is speechless and she says she wants a little respect. He goes to leave and she says she’ll tell his wife and he throws her against the wall and says if she does, he’ll kill her*

Warlock: So who’s the bad guy here?

*Alex goes to call Beth but can’t do it. She throws the phone*

Neyz: That’s so sad.

*Next frame is Dan’s family moving into the country house. He’s moving stuff around when the phone rings. He is relieved because its Martha. Next frame shows Beth painting when the phone rings. She answers and Dan asks if the plumber came yet. Dan got Ellen the rabbit*

Neyz: Awww its a gizzards!

*Martha hands Dan a package on his way out. The parking attendant is nowhere to be found. Dan grabs his keys and makes his way to his car. Alex has blown up Dan’s car. He calls Beth and says he’ll be home in a little while. Dan rents a car to drive home and Alex follows close behind. He pulls out the package he got and its a cassette tape by Alex. Its a distraught Alex saying she’s obsessed with him and she’s carrying his child. All she wants his to be a father*

Warlock: You know what the sad thing is, if he was friendlier to her, he may have gotten away with it.

*Alex throws a quarter in the toll both as she continues to follow him*

Warlock: Nice shooting stranger.

*Alex ends the tape by calling him a cock-sucking sonovabitch and a flaming faggot*

Warlock: Hahahahaha that’s hilarious.

*Dan brings the rabbit inside with the tape still in his hand as Alex watches from outside. Ellen loves the rabbit, meanwhile Alex looks on distraught before running to throw up*

Warlock: Again, who’s the real villain?

*Dan walks upstairs to his attack and listens to the tape again*

Warlock: Why doesn’t he destroy the tape so his wife won’t find it?

*Beth sneaks up on Dan and he freaks out*

Warlock: That almost made me jump too.

*Dan goes to the police lieutenant (Michael Arkin) to file a complaint against Alex for his “friend”. The LT gives him advice, basically he’s screwed unless he can catch her in the act of doing something wrong*

Warlock: All he has to do is call her every now and then, yeesh.

*Dan, Ellen, Beth and Quincy go for a drive to the grandparents. They share bonding moments. They drive home*

Warlock: I got a bad feeling….

Neyz: What?

Warlock: I hope I’m wrong.

*Beth walks in the kitchen and there’s a boiling pot on there*

Warlock: Oh no….no no no….

Neyz: What?

Warlock: Rabbit stew….

Neyz: NOOO, I’m not looking.

*Sure enough, Whitney the Rabbit is in the boiling pot*

Warlock: Don’t look.

Neyz: I’m not.

Warlock: Well, they had to do something to establish her as the villain, she was getting the sympathy vote.

*Dan has to talk to Beth. He says he knows who did it. He says Alex did it. She says she’s scared. He admits he had an affair with her*

Warlock: Oh god….this is gonna suck.

*Dan tries to apologize*

Neyz and Warlock at the same time: *Gives finger*

*Beth starts crying. She asks why she would do this and he says she’s pregnant. Beth freaks completely out and yells at him, waking and scaring Ellen*

Neyz: Awwww

Warlock: Again, hard to feel sorry for him.

*Dan packs up and then calls Alex. He says its over because Beth knows. She says he doesn’t have the balls. He hands Beth the phone and she tells Alex that if she ever goes near her family again, she’ll kill her. She hangs up*

Warlock: Up until she killed the rabbit, she was the victim.

*Alex hangs up the phone. Next frame Dan is still thrown out and he’s on the phone with Ellen. He says to tell Beth that he loves her and Ellen wants him to call tomorrow*

Warlock: Trying to re-establish him in the sympathetic role.

*Beth goes to pick up Ellen but she’s not there. Everyone says she already left. Beth can’t find her and says to call the police. Next frame shows Alex with Ellen at a boardwalk arcade*

Warlock: Oh ho ho this is not gonna end well.

*We get a back and forth montage of Alex and Ellen having fun with Beth freaking out.  Beth nearly runs someone over in her car as Ellen rides a roller coaster with Alex*

Warlock: The life of the party.

*Beth plows into someone in a state of shock as Alex drops Ellen home safe. Next frame Ellen is at the hospital with grandma Joan (Meg Mundy) and Dan runs in asking if Beth is okay. The nurse says Beth is fine and it could have been worse. Dan walks in and grandpa Howard (Tom Brennan) is there with her. Dan cries at her side and next frame is him driving through traffic*

Warlock: Careful, we’ve seen enough accidents.

*Dan waits outside Alex’s apartment for someone to leave so he can enter, which he does. He rings Alex’s bell and he breaks in. She’s in a white dress and he tackles her but she gets away*

Warlock: Final battle?

Neyz: Boss fight.

Warlock: 18 minutes left, too much time.

*He throws her in the bathroom and she kicks him in the nuts.He chases her through glass and he tries to strangle her, but then stops himself. They huff and puff*

Warlock: Well that was fun honey.

*She attacks with a knife but he disarms her. They stare at each other and he puts the knife down. He backs away slowly and leaves. Back at the police station Dan rants and raves to the LT. He asks what can he do, he says they may get her for kidnapping. Dan leaves and tucks Ellen in for the night*

Warlock: NOW its time for the final battle.

*Beth runs a bath and Dan gets a phone call saying Alex is missing. Beth’s arm is in a sling and she has a black eye from the result of the car accident. Dan gets painkillers for Beth and she asks for a cup of tea. Dan goes downstairs and locks the door*

Warlock: Its a bit late for that.

*Beth turns the bath off as Dan fills the kettle. He locks every door he can find*

Warlock: Try the roof next.

*Beth wipes away the condensation and Alex is right behind her with a knife*

Neyz: That was scary!

*Beth asks why she’s there. Alex goes on a rant about instant attraction as the faucet is still running, overflowing the tub. Alex is cutting herself with the knife. Quincy the dog notices the flooding but not Dan. Alex calls her a stupid seflish bitch and swipes at her Dan can’t hear them over the tea kettle whistle and the two women fight. The knife is knocked away and finally Dan hears the screaming and runs upstairs*

Warlock: About time!

*Alex just misses cutting Beth when Dan runs in and tackles her. She cuts him a few times but he tackles her into the tub and tries to drown her. Eventually she stops kicking and Dan thinks she’s dead. A full minute passes with her underwater.and then she pops up…only for Beth to shoot her in the chest with Dan’s gun*

Warlock: NOW its over.

*The LT takes Dan’s statement.He walks back in the house and hugs Beth. They walk away as the camera zooms in on the family picture. End credits*

Warlock: Good ending.

Neyzor Blades Assessment: Good story but I don’t like scary. 6 out of 10

The Warlock’s Assessment: The problem with the movie is that its supposed to be Dan the victim and Alex the stalker but up until the rabbit is killed, you couldn’t help but feel sorry for Alex. Its great for the slow burn heel turn, but for moral purposes you’re thinking Dan is a scumbag the whole movie. I give it a 6 out of 10

Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was very interesting. It wasn’t a complete pile of crap but you couldn’t feel sorry for the protagonist or hate the antagonist for most of the movie. Which is good for the most part, but still, anyone with a brain isn’t going to boo the bad guy and cheer the good guy when its not as cut and dried. Guess that’s what makes it special. That about wraps up another goodtastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

95. The Son of Kong (1933)

*The Warlock drives up to his lair in his 1958 Plymouth Fury. When we last left off, Warlock had just watched King Kong with his father, The Grand Wizard. This time he’s on his way back to his lair with a dvd in his hands. He walks up and opens the door to his lair to go inside. He’s wearing a black wifebeater, gargoyle shades, blue jeans and white sneakers. Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*

Neyz: Where have you been?

Warlock: Went to my dad’s to pick up a movie for us to watch.

Neyz: Which is?

Warlock: Son of Kong.

Neyz: King Kong?

Warlock: No, the sequel.

Neyz: There was a sequel?

Warlock: Oh yeah.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get started shall we. The Son of Kong.

Written by Ruth Rose

Directed by Ernest B Schoedsack

Cast:

Robert Armstrong	…	Carl Denham
	Helen Mack	…	Hilda
	Frank Reicher	…	Capt. Englehorn
	John Marston	…	Captain Nils Helstrom
	Victor Wong	…	Charlie – Chinese Cook
	Ed Brady	…	Red
Rest of cast listed alphabetically:
	Cy Clegg	…	Sailor (uncredited)
	Steve Clemente	…	Native Witch King (uncredited)
	Harry Cornbleth	…	Sailor (uncredited)
	Nathan Curry	…	Native (uncredited)
	F. Garrety	…	Sailor (uncredited)
	J. Goff	…	Sailor (uncredited)
	Oscar ‘Dutch’ Hendrian	…	Dutch, a Sailor (uncredited)
	Tex Higginson	…	Sailor (uncredited)
	Noble Johnson	…	Native Chief (uncredited)
	Lee Kohlmar	…	Mickey, 2nd Process Server (uncredited)
	Ken Kuntz	…	Sailor (uncredited)
	Ed Lanegan	…	Messenger (uncredited)
	Jimmy Leon	…	Barkeeper (uncredited)
	James B. Leong	…	Chinese Trader (uncredited)
	Sam Levine	…	Fruit Peddler (uncredited)
	Frank Mills	…	Sailor (uncredited)
	Frank O’Connor	…	1st Process Server (uncredited)
	Claude Payton	…	Sailor / Suspenders Peddler (uncredited)
	Jack Richardson	…	Sailor (uncredited)
	Edwin Rochelle	…	Newsboy (uncredited)
	Constantine Romanoff	…	Bill, a Sailor (uncredited)
	Gene Rossi	…	Sailor (uncredited)
	Gertrude Short	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Alice Stombs	…	(uncredited)
	Leo Sulky	…	Extra (uncredited)
	Gertrude Sutton	…	Servant Girl (uncredited)
	Harry Tenbrook	…	Tommy, a Sailor (uncredited)
	Kathrin Clare Ward	…	Mrs. Hudson, Landlady (uncredited)
	Homer Watson	…	Sailor (uncredited)
	Clarence Wilson	…	Peterson – Hilda’s Father (uncredited)

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “The men who captured the giant ape King Kong, return to his island and find his equally gigantic, but far more friendly, son.”

Neyz: Hahahaha

Warlock: And that’s bullshit because Junior is not that big.

*Executive producer is Merian C Cooper*

Warlock: Heh, that’s the fighter pilot from the first movie that killed Kong. Killed his own creation.

Neyz: Well he is the executive producer.

*Movie has opening credits with scenes from the upcoming movie*

Warlock: Its like a trailer within the movie.

*There’s a poster for Kong in the hallway of an apartment complex. Some reporter (Frank O’Connor) runs up to Carl Denham (Robert Armstrong) and Denham shouts for Mrs. Hudson (Katrhrin Clare Ward) who shoos him away. Carl explains his plight. A second reporter shows up (Gertrude Short) and says she’s from the news. Mrs Hudson says “Is that so, I got news for you.You’re gonna get out of here so fast!”

Warlock: Hahahhaha

*She wants a story. Denham says its been a month and she says everyone is suing him for something. Denham says he’s sorry for bringing him here and hurting everyone. He wished he left him on the island. “I’m sure paying for what I did to you.” Denham says he’s flat broke says the only place he hasn’t heard from is the Bide-A-Wee Home*

Neyz: What?

Warlock: Don’t know.

*Charlie (Victor Wong) says Captain Englehorn (Frank Reicher) sent for him and Denham says he’s on his way. He tries to leave through the basement where Mickey (Lee Kohlmar) harasses the cleaning lady (Gertrude Sutton). Mickey serves Carl a summon and Carl is less than pleased. Carl says this is 15th summon yet. He enlists Mickey to help disguise him and get out of there in a luggage cart. Someone else asks how he got in and Mickey says through the chimney like Santa Claus*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Denham makes it to Englehorn’s ship. Charlie “Next time you leave big monkey alone” Carl “Next time? Ha! Charlie must think Kong’s are plentiful”

Warlock: Foreshadowing.

*Mickey rushes on board to tip Denham off that he’s going to be indicted. He suggests to leave now. Englehorn says they can go to jail for 10 years. He says he’s going to put together a skeleton crew and go freight carrying. Denham says sures*

Warlock: Goes from movie director to cargo loader.

Neyz: Cause he’s in trouble.

Warlock: What a fall from grace.

*They stop in Dakang and Denham says this is a hustling community. He asks how far is Kong’s Island, he says 1,753 miles. Skipper says he was curious. He asks Red (Ed Brady) to unload cargo and Red scoffs at him. Skipper says if they had better crew he’d get rid of him. Denham spots an entertainment show poster with musical animals. Skipper says the show must be terrible and Denham says don’t be a crab*

Warlock: Yeah Neyz, don’t be a crab.

*The show is monkeys playing tiny instruments while Carl, Charlie and Skipper watch intently*

Neyz: They’re so cute.

*A monkey plays the violin*

Neyz: Is that Son of Kong right there?

Warlock: Hardly.

*Peterson (Clarence Wilson) leads the monkeys away and introduces his daughter Hilda (Helen Mack) who plays a ukulele and sings La Belle Helene badly. Denham likes her, Skipper doesn’t like the voice*

Warlock: Its Tiny Tim’s mother.

Neyz: Really?

Warlock: No…would be funny though.

*Charlie and Denham are the only ones who clap for her*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Peterson says goodnight and another big show tomorrow night. Everyone leaves and Hilda plays a goodbye tune*

Warlock: Plays better than me.

*Hilda chills with the animals and asks if a man is coming to see him. He calls him his friend and someone to talk to, Hilda says someone to drink with. Next frame shows Peterson bombed with Captain Helstrom (John Marston). Peterson says he was ringmaster of the biggest circus. Helstrom says he was rotten, Peterson calls him a rotten captain. He purposely sunk his own ship for insurance, but it failed.  Helstrom whacks Peterson in the head with the bottle and he crashes into the candle torch, knocking it over and setting the tent on fire. Helstrom runs off as Hilda wakes up, saves all the animals but can’t save Peterson, he’s a gonner*

Warlock: Wompwompwompppppppp

Neyz: That’s sad.

*Tony the monkey refuses to come down despite Hilda calling. Denham walks up and she asks him if he ever caught a monkey. Denham “Have I ever caught a….oh you’d be surprised”

Warlock: Yeah, no kidding.

*They share bonding moments and character development. Denham gives her a pep talk and says to keep her chin up*

Warlock: He said that to Ann.

*Hilda confronts Helstrom and says he killed her father. Hilda says she’s going to the magistrate in a few days. Helstrom is pissed*

Warlock: Serves him right.

*Skipper and Denham go over what to do next when Helstrom walks in and spots them. Carl says he’s the one who gave him the map to Kong’s Island. Helstrom wants the profits of Kong and Denham says he’s broke. Helstrom wants passage out of there but they can’t help. Helstrom then says there’s treasure on the island. He says he wants to go after it himself but Denham falls for it. Skipper isn’t amused and Denham says they’re going back for the treasure*

Warlock: He….can’t be serious.

*Denham says bye to Hilda. Hilda wants to go with him and Denham says no. He gives her some money and says hitch a ride on the next ship. He says goodbye*

Warlock: That can’t be that easy.

*The ship sets sail toward Kong’s island and Helstrom starts gathering up the crew and warns them about where they’re going. Helstrom tells Red that 12 guys died the last time and Helstrom said if he was captain, he wouldn’t send his crew into danger. Meanwhile Charlie shows up and says he found something. He rounds up the crew (Cy Clegg, Henry Cornbleth, F. Garrety,  J. Goff, Tex Higginson, Ken Kuntz, Frank Mills, Jack Richardson, Constantine Romanoff, Gene Rossi, Harry Tenbrook, Homer Watson) and brings out Hilda. Denham “Holy Mackerel”

Warlock: Bahahhaha.

*Hilda tries to explain herself and Skipper dismisses the crew. Denham “You ought to be beaten to a pulp.”

Warlock: Try getting away with that now.

*Helstrom spots Hilda and he freaks out. Hilda says she knows him. Denham “Well, here we are, one big happy family”

Neyz: Hardly.

*Helstrom confronts Hilda and tells her to keep quiet. Denham tells him to buzz off and he gets in some g rated flirting with her*

Neyz: Love how the sea is rocking but the boat isn’t moving.

*The ship is stopped just 2 miles from Kong’s Island. Denham walks out and a sailor sticks a gun in his side. Its a mutiny. Red and Helstrom have led a revolt. The crew doesn’t want to be killed. Red sends Skipper, Denham and Hilda off, Hilda says Helstrom killed her father. Denham says he’ll turn around if they call it off, Helstrom tells them to hold their ground. Denham to Helstrom “I’ll be seeing you again, I hope.”  Charlie is already in the life boat. Denham asks if they threw him out too. Charlie “Me no throw off, get off. Me no like them men”

Neyz: He’s already ready to shove off.

*Helstrom taunts them and Charlie has a rifle stashed. Charlie “You cook now, you die pretty soon!”

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahaha

*Helstrom starts giving orders and assumes command. Red laughs at him. They tell him “Do you think we got rid of a good captain so we can have a bad one? We’re through with captains on this ship” They throw him over the side*

Warlock: They should have just let him drown.

*Charlie laughs at him but Skipper lets him aboard. Carl pretends to drown him twice just for good measure. Denham makes it to Kong’s Island where the Chief (Noble Johnson) is waiting. He chucks a spear and tells them to get the fuck out because Kong wrecked the village*

Warlock: Can’t blame him.

*Skipper tries to make piece but Chief and his warriors send them away. They’re forced to find another place to land on the Island. The score from the first movie plays*

Neyz: So they must be rowing around the island?

Warlock: Yup, love this song.

Neyz: Their arms must be killing them.

*Neyz spots Hilda wearing a dress and heels*

Neyz: She’s gonna run around in that?

Warlock: No choice.

*Denham and Hilda go off exploring as Helstrom, Charlie and Skipper stay behind. Helstrom grabs a rifle and Denham says “A smart man like you don’t need a gun”

Warlock: Ha.

*Denham spots a little Kong. He’s stuck in the quicksand and can’t get out. Hilda says to help him, Denham doesn’t know how*

Neyz: Awwwwww.

*Hilda says to tip over branches to save him. Denham tips a tree over and Little Kong climbs to safety. He walks off as Charlie, Skipper and Helstrom make their appearance. Denham tells Skipper there’s a little Kong. Skipper says not to tell Helstrom.  Charlie, Skipper and Helstrom go one way, Denham and Hilda go another. Skipper, Charlie and Helstrom are chased by a Styracosaurus*

Warlock: Its a Styracosaurus, not a Triceratops. See the spiked shield on its head?

*A giant bear attacks Denham and Hilda*

Neyz: Why is everyone huge?

Warlock: Why are they using Ann Darrow’s voice for Hilda’s scream?

*Little Kong shows up and fights the bear*

Neyz: He’s smaller than the bear.

Warlock: Yeah, King Kong would annihilate the bear.

*Little Kong gets the upperhand with a head schissors and a headlocked punches. A big right cross knocks out the bear. Little Kong tries to appraise to Denham but the bear wakes up. Little Kong beats him away with a tree branch but hurts his hand. Carl “Say can he scrap just like his old man!”

Warlock: He beat him away with a tree branch.

*Hilda rips off part of her dress and tells Denham to bandage him up. Denham does so and earns Little Kong’s trust while remorsing over King Kong. He apologizes for King Kong and they walk off, Little Kong follows him*

Neyz: He’s just like pointing to it.

*Denham tries to pick coconuts off a tree but can’t reach. Little Kong shakes the tree and a bunch fall off, hitting them in the head. Denham “Hey look what you’re doing ya big dummy!”

Warlock: I wouldn’t insult him.

*Denham and Hilda talk near a campfire. She’s falling asleep. Little Kong checks on them*

Warlock: Hahaha look who’s there.

Neyz: He’s like “Duhhhh, do I stay?”

*Next morning Denham wakes up and fires a warning shot to get Skipper’s attention. Little Kong is sleeping nearby and wakes up. Denham tries to get the door to the temple open and can’t. Little Kong opens it for him. There’s gold treasure in there. The trio walk in and Kong hand the gold medallions. But then Kong picks up the rifle and breaks it. Denham calls him a big rummy*

Warlock: Ya big rummy.

*A dinosaur enters the cave and Kong jumps into action. Kong tombstone piledrives the dinosaur and snaps his neck*

Warlock: Undertaker would be proud.

*Skipper, Helstrom and Charlie show up as Little Kong shrugs and wanders off. Helstrom says there’s no treasure but Helstrom spots Little Kong and runs for the boat They all follow him except Denham who goes for the treasure. A sea dinosaur attacks and kills Helstrom*

Neyz: Well he’s mincemeat now.

Warlock: I don’t think anyone cares.

*An earthquake destroys the island. Charlie, Hilda and Skipper make it to the life boat and row as the whole Island begins to sink*

Warlock: Well they had to get rid of it somehow.

*Little Kong and Denham make it to the top of the island. Little Kong gets his foot struck but manages to save Denham before sinking below the waves*

Neyz: That sucks..

Warlock: I’m still trying to figure out how the hell the whole fucking island just went under after thousands of years.

*Denham, Hilda, Skipper and Charlie are just floating aimlessly. Denham holds up the medallion as Skipper spots a rescue ship. It picks up the survivors. Later on Hilda is with Carl. She asks what he’s thinking about. He asks if Kong knew he sacrificed himself to save him. Denham says when they get to shore they’re going their separate ways. She wants to stick with Denham. She hugs him*

Neyz: Awwww yayyy *claps*

*End credits*

Warlock: Short but sweet

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I give it at 7. It wasn’t bad but not great either.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6. They rushed the end completely and it was only a little over an hour long. They could have done more but apparently didn’t want to.

Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10…..Very Good.

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Definitely not as good as the original but a good sequel nonetheless. It seemed rushed but that’s what happens when you shoot a sequel less than a year after filming the first. Well that wraps up another goodtastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

94. King Kong (1933)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a oil can of Dr. Pepper*

W: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates before walking inside*

W: Tonight is a special night here at the realm. Yesterday Neyzor Blades and I watched one of my favorite movies of all time in Singin In The Rain. Tonight me and my father The Grand Wizard will be catching another one of my favorites of all time, the 1933 horror movie KING KONG!

*The Grand Wizard is in the recliner nodding*

Wi: It is one of the greats, that’s for sure.

W: What is it about? Are you kidding me? If you’ve been living under a rock your whole life, the movie is about a giant ape that climbs the Empire State Building. KING KONG has been referenced, parodied, remade or talked about the past 80 plus years its been out but we’re going to go back to the beginning. I already know this is going to be awesome to let’s not waste anymore time. Its time for KING KONG!

Written by Merian C Cooper, Leon Gordon, Edgar Wallace, Ruth Rose and James Creelman

Directed by Merian C Cooper

Cast:

Fay Wray	…	Ann Darrow
	Robert Armstrong	…	Carl Denham
	Bruce Cabot	…	Jack Driscoll
	Frank Reicher	…	Capt. Englehorn
	Sam Hardy	…	Charles Weston
	Noble Johnson	…	Native Chief
	Steve Clemente	…	Witch King (as Steve Clemento)
	James Flavin	…	Second Mate Briggs
	King Kong	…	The Eighth Wonder of the World
Rest of cast listed alphabetically:
	Walter Ackerman	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	James Adamson	…	Native Child (uncredited)
	Van Alder	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Ed Allen	…	Native (uncredited)
	Etta Mae Allen	…	Native (uncredited)
	Frank Angel	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Roscoe Ates	…	Press Photographer (uncredited)
	Ralph Bard	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Reginald Barlow	…	Ship’s Engineer (uncredited)
	Leo Beard	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Fred Behrle	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Jack Best	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Johnnie Bland	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Eddie Boland	…	Reporter / Cameraman (uncredited)
	Harry Bowen	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	John Brakins	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Lynton Brent	…	Reporter / Cameraman (uncredited)
	Roy Brent	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Everett Brown	…	Native in Ape Costume (uncredited)
	Betty Burns	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Barney Capehart	…	Pilot (uncredited)
	Jack Chapin	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Harry Claremont	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Edward Clark	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Eddie Clayton	…	Theater usher (uncredited)
	Chick Collins	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Odel Conley	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Onest Conley	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Merian C. Cooper	…	Pilot of Plane That Kills Kong (uncredited)
	Harry Cornbleth	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Kathryn Curry	…	Native (uncredited)
	Nathan Curry	…	Native (uncredited)
	Dick Curtis	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Bill Dagwell	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	George Daly	…	Machine Gunner (uncredited)
	Ruby Dandridge	…	Native Dancer (uncredited)
	Vivian Dandridge	…	Native Child (uncredited)
	John Davis	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Joe Dill	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Jimmy Dime	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Fanny Donahue	…	Native (uncredited)
	Jean Doran	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Walter Downing	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Florence Dudley	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Tex Duffy	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	William Dunn	…	Native (uncredited)
	William Duran	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Peter Duray	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Harry Duval	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Earl Dwire	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Ralph Easton	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Oliver Eckhardt	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Louise Emmons	…	Old Woman in Line at Mission (uncredited)
	Shorty English	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Frank Fanning	…	Police Officer (uncredited)
	Jean Fenwick	…	New Yorker (uncredited)
	Bill Fisher	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Larry Fisher	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Arthur J. Flaven	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Joe Flourney	…	Native (uncredited)
	Betty Gale	…	New Yorker (uncredited)
	Jack Gallagher	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Bob Galloway	…	Pilot (uncredited)
	Evelyn Garrison	…	Native (uncredited)
	Harold Garrison	…	Native (uncredited)
	Frank Gerritty	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	June Gittelson	…	Fat Woman (uncredited)
	Arnold Gray	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Duke Green	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Lawrence Green	…	Native (uncredited)
	Dorothy Gulliver	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Charles Haefeli	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Charlie Hall	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Pat Harmon	…	Gunman (uncredited)
	James Harrison	…	Cameraman (uncredited)
	Eddie Hart	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Lew Harvey	…	Gunman (uncredited)
	Etta Mae Henry	…	Native (uncredited)
	Irene Henry	…	Baby (uncredited)
	Tex Higginson	…	Member of Ship’s Crew / Assistant Director / Taxi Driver (uncredited)
	Earl ‘Hap’ Hogan	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Wesley Hopper	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Hazel Howell	…	New Yorker (uncredited)
	Clifford Ingram	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	T.C. Jack	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Jimmy James	…	Member of Ship’s Crew / Assistant Director (uncredited)
	Allen Jenkins	…	Crew Member (uncredited)
	Annie L. Johnson	…	Native (uncredited)
	John L. Johnson	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Harry Keaton	…	Ballyhooer (uncredited)
	Walter Kimpton	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Walter Kirby	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Al Knight	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Walter Knox	…	Native (uncredited)
	Ethan Laidlaw	…	First Mate (uncredited)
	Sam Levine	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Vera Lewis	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Timothy J. Lonergan	…	Police Officer (uncredited)
	George MacQuarrie	…	Police Captain (uncredited)
	George Magrill	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Joe Smith Marba	…	Elevated Train Motorman (uncredited)
	Rena Marlowe	…	Native Child (uncredited)
	Sam Marlowe	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Mae Marrin	…	Ballyhooer (uncredited)
	Henry Martin	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Buddy Mason	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	LeRoy Mason	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Richie McCarew	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Etta McDaniel	…	Native (uncredited)
	Al McDonald	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Larry McGrath	…	Ballyhooer (uncredited)
	Frank Meredith	…	Police Officer (uncredited)
	Frank Mills	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Dusty Mitchell	…	Pilot (uncredited)
	King Mojave	…	Ballyhooer (uncredited)
	Carlotta Monti	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Harry Mount	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Almeta Muse	…	Native (uncredited)
	Alice Nichols	…	Native (uncredited)
	Nim Nixon	…	Native Dancer (uncredited)
	John Northpole	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Skeets Noyes	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	G. Raymond Nye	…	Police Captain (uncredited)
	Frank O’Connor	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Paddy O’Flynn	…	Reporter / Cameraman (uncredited)
	Tom O’Grady	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Bert O’Malley	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Charles O’Malley	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Edward Patrick	…	Native Dancer (uncredited)
	Gil Perkins	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Jack Perry	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Nathan Perry	…	Native (uncredited)
	Lee Phelps	…	Cameraman (uncredited)
	Alexander Pollard	…	Lunch Counter Proprietor (uncredited)
	Allen Pomeroy	…	Motorcycle Policeman (uncredited)
	Paul Porcasi	…	Apple Vendor (uncredited)
	Mahlon Potts	…	Native Child (uncredited)
	Malcolm Potts	…	Native Child (uncredited)
	Russ Powell	…	Watchman (uncredited)
	A.J. Prather	…	Native (uncredited)
	Jack Pratt	…	Radio Announcer (uncredited)
	Tom Quinn	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	T.J. Rankin	…	Native Dancer (uncredited)
	Eddy Reed	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Gus Robinson	…	Native Dancer (uncredited)
	Edwin Rochelle	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Russ Rogers	…	Pilot (uncredited)
	Jack Saunders	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Russell Saunders	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Syd Saylor	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Ernest B. Schoedsack	…	Machine-Gunner on Plane That Kills Kong (uncredited)
	Charles Sewell	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Floyd Shackelford	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Sandra Shaw	…	Woman Who Screams From Hotel Window (uncredited)
	Tony Shelly	…	Native (uncredited)
	Gay Sheridan	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Milton Shockley	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Jack Silver	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Jack Smith	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	William Solder	…	Native (uncredited)
	Katherine Sparks	…	Native (uncredited)
	Hugh Starkey	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Larry Steers	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Edward Stevens	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Roy Stewart	…	Reporter (uncredited)
	Harry Strang	…	Policeman at Headquarters (uncredited)
	Eddie Sturgis	…	Ballyhooer (uncredited)
	Madame Sul-Te-Wan	…	Native (uncredited)
	Charles Sullivan	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Gertrude Sutton	…	Hotel Victim (uncredited)
	Tobias Tally	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Walter Taylor	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Harry Tenbrook	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Ivan Thomas	…	Conductor (uncredited)
	Roy Thompson	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Jim Thorpe	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Earl Turman	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Ray Turner	…	Native (uncredited)
	William Van Vleck	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Monte Vandergrift	…	Police Officer (uncredited)
	Sailor Vincent	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	John Wade	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Kid Wagner	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Harry Walker	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Wade Walker	…	Native (uncredited)
	H.R. Warwick	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Blue Washington	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Charles Washington	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	George Washington	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Hannah Washington	…	Native Child (uncredited)
	Jack West	…	Native (uncredited)
	Blackie Whiteford	…	Member of Ship’s Crew (uncredited)
	Geneva Williams	…	Native (uncredited)
	Ivory Williams	…	Warrior (uncredited)
	Victor Wong	…	Charlie the Chinese Cook (uncredited)
	Eric Wood	…	Pilot (uncredited)
	Helen Worthington	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)
	Lillian Young	…	New York Theatergoer (uncredited)

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A film crew goes to a tropical island for an exotic location shoot and discovers a colossal giant gorilla who takes a shine to their female blonde star. Then he’s captured and brought back to New York City for public exhibition.”

Wizard: Yeah, locked up in chains, how unusual.

*Movie begins with a 4 minute overture*

Wizard: GET ON WITH IT!

Warlock: Yeah really.

*Opening credits have the same song from the overture*

Warlock: Sound familiar?

Wizard: Ridiculous.

*Graphic “And lo, the beast looked upon the face of beauty. And it stayed its hand from killing. And from that day, it was as one dead”

Warlock: What?

Wizard: In other words, when the beast saw beauty, the killing machine died.

*New York harbor in 1933. Charles Weston (Sam Hardy) looks for the Venture. He runs into some guy (Harry Keaton) who claims Carl Denham (Robert Armstrong) is a tough film director that goes into the wild to shoot his pictures. He says the voyage is crazy because the cargo is too large with a crew too large. The ship’s X.O. Jack Driscoll (Bruce Cabot) asks who’s there and Weston answers with his name. Driscoll tells him to come on up*

Wizard: So it begins.

*Captain Englehorn (Frank Reicher) says they have too much ammunition to stick around. He’s loaded with rifles and gas bombs. He says they need to shoot the picture now before monsoon season. Englehorn “There’s only one Carl Denham”. Weston walks in. Denham introduces everyone. Weston says he can’t find a girl to hire for the picture because of his bad behavior*

Warlock: Very bad behavior.

*Weston says the girl will be on board with the toughest mugs he ever knew. Carl says there are more girls in more danger tonight in NYC than there will be with him. Denham says he needs a girl and Weston says he can’t help. Denham goes out to get one, even if he has to marry one*

Wizard: He won’t need to look far.

*Denham hits up the local soup kitchen but everyone out there looks haggard, fat and tough*

Warlock: Why is it so packed?

Wizard: Middle of the Depression?

Warlock: Oh yeah, 1933.

*Ann Darrow (Fay Wray) looks at fruit in a fruit stand but the overzealous owner (Paul Porcasi) thinks she’s stealing and goes to call the police. Denham intervenes, hands him a dollar and says to scram. Ann nearly faints and Denham has to hold her up. He looks into her eyes and sees how beautiful she is*

Warlock: She can barely stand.

Wizard: Nobody alive today can truly understand how bad the Depression was.

*Denham takes her to a local diner to talk business. He wants her in the movie but she’s skeptical. He then realizes why she’s skeptical and says this is strictly business. He introduces himself as the movie director to calm her down. He says he’s not interested in her romantically. “Just trust me and keep your chin up*

Warlock: That would never go well these days.

*Driscoll orders everyone around on the ship. Ann walks up to him and nearly takes her out with a left cross*

Warlock: What an asshole.

*Driscoll admits that women on ships are a nuisance but apologizes for the punch. He admits she’s tough to be still standing. They shove off*

Warlock: She takes a better punch than Peter McNeely.

*Ann chats with Charlie the Cook (Victor Wong). She loves the view as Jack walks up. He continues to degrade her. Jack “Women can’t help but be a bother”

Wizard: Yeah really.

*Ann says she’s having a great time. He says “Don’t you think the skipper is a sweet old lamb?” Jack “Hahaha, I’d hate to have him hear me say that.”

Warlock and Wizard: Hahahahaha

*Ann pets Iggy the monkey as Carl calls it beauty and the beast. Jack wants to know where they’re going. Carl has no idea what’s going to do when they get there. Jack feels bad for Ann and Denham says to cut out the love affair. Jack says he’s not going to fall for her, Carl thinks otherwise*

Wizard: Great foreshadowing.

*Denham says the plot of his movie is about beast being tamed by beauty. The second mate runs down and says Englehorn has reached the position Denham requested. Carl goes up with with Skipper and Jack to talk about what’s going on. Denham says they’re way west of Sumatra. Denham says to go southwest. He pulls out a map and says a skipper of a Norwegian bark drew it. He picked up a canoe full of natives and one of them was alive. He died but not before telling the skipper about Skull Mountain Island and drawing what it looks like. Denham describes the island saying a 40 foot high stone wall cuts off the rest of the island. Something is on the other side of it that the natives fear*

Warlock: Gee, wonder what that could be?

*Denham “Did you ever hear of Kong?” Skipper “Why yes…Some native superstition isn’t it? A god or spirit or something.” Denham says its alive on the island and he intends to find it*

Wizard: Be careful what you wish for.

*Skipper and Jack wonder how Denham is going to photograph Kong. Denham “Now you know why I brought along those cases of gas bombs*

Warlock: Nice insurance.

*Ann does her rehearsal for Denham. She looks amazing in costume*

Wizard: She’s a real looker.

Warlock: Oh yeah.

*Skipper and Jack watch from above. Meanwhile Charlie and two others watch. Denham explains he does the camera work himself because the last time he hired a cameraman, he had a great shot of a charging rhino lined up but the guy ran away even though Carl was standing there with a rifle*

Warlock: I can picture that.

Wizard: Complete coward.

*Ann does a test scream. Everyone is impressed*

Warlock: That just pierced my ears.

Wizard: She made a living off of that.

*Jack grabs Skipper “What’s he think she’s really going to see?” They run into fog and Denham doesn’t like it*

Warlock: Damn fog.

*The crew says no bottom at 30 feet  but by the deep 20. Carl hears something off in the distance,its drums. Next frame is Skull Mountain with a kickass trumpet theme*

Warlock: I like this song.

Wizard: Very powerful.

*Skipper/Englehorn hears chanting and drums. Denham says they should go to shore. Skipper says 12 men go with him, the rest stay aboard. Denham wants Skipper go with him to translate in case he recognizes native language. Skipper calls his 3rd in command Mr. Adams (Ethan Laidlaw) and says he has the ship while he’s away. Ann says she’s coming too*

Warlock: Noooo, leave her there.

*Jack protests Ann going but Denham says he’s running the show.  Denham loads up a skiff with rifles,bombs, camera crew and a group of men. They hit the shoreline. Jack, Ann, Skipper, Denham and a host of others make their way to the origin of the drums.  Ann says the native canoes are “queer looking boats”

Warlock: Good luck saying that now.

*Denham’s crew gets closer and Denham gets excited when he sees the wall. Denham hears chanting and says to follow. He recognizes the name “Kong, Kong”. Skipper recognizes the language as Nias. Denham pulls back a bush and a native ceremony is taking place. A group of native dressed as gorillas dance in a circle as the Chief (Noble Johnson) looks on with fierce warriors. Denham grabs the camera and starts filming until the Chief spots him and halts the ceremony, A crewmember says to beat it and Driscoll bags him.*

Warlock: Caught.

Wizard: Bagged.

*Chief and his warriors make his way toward Denham’s crew. Skipper translates, Chief tells them to get lost because the ceremony is ruined. Skipper asks what’s going on, Chief says the girl being dressed in flower petals is the bride of Kong. The witch doctor (Steve Clemente) runs up to the Chief and says something*

Warlock: Sounds like “They are disgusting”

Wizard: Look at them, they’re one to talk.

*Denham says “Friend, friend” and the natives walk closer. Chief spots Ann and says the golden women. Carl “Yeah blondes are scarce around here.” Chief wants to buy Ann, he’ll trade 6 of his women for Ann*

Warlock: Sounds like “Mind my potato”

Wizard: Mount on my potato.

*Skipper turns down the offer and the Chief is mad. They leave as Skipper says they’ll be back tomorrow. Carl whistles as he walks away*

Warlock: Keep your chin up.

*Jack admits he’s fallen for Ann and they kiss. Skipper tells him to get over there and he leaves Ann by the edge. All of a sudden a group of natives canoe their way by the ship. They board it and kidnap Ann, leaving behind a bracelet*

Wizard: Those dirty rotten scoundrels.

Warlock: They better go after her.

*Skipper and Denham notice a ceremony going on and half jokes about going to film it. Skipper tells him to forget it. Jack can’t find Ann. Charlie “When we leave this place, me no like”

Warlock and Wizard: Hahahahaha

*Charlie steps on the bracelet, picks it up and shouts “Everybody on deck, all hands on deck!” The entire crew scrambles and makes it to the deck. Charlie runs up to Skipper and hands Skipper the bracelet. Skipper “Native bracelet!” Charlie “Crazy black man been here!”

Warlock and Wizard: Hahahaha

*Ann is missing and they search the ship, they can’t find her. Driscoll says she’s been kidnapped and to go to shore. Skipper says to man the rifles and the boats*

Warlock: Its go time.

*Charlie wants to go and Mr. Adams tells him to get lost. Most of the crew go ashore, meanwhile the natives hold another ceremony as Ann is dressed as the bride of Kong. They open the stone wall and tie her to a pillar just inside of it. The natives escape back through the wall, close it, then climb to the top of it. Chief has his minions bang a gong and calls for Kong. After a minute loud roaring is heard*

Wizard: Uh oh.

*Kong finally appears…its a giant gorilla. Ann screams her head off. Kong unties her and roars at the natives before leaving with Ann. Englehorn’s sailors make it to the wall and Jack makes a face when he sees Kong*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

The sailors rig the wall open while the natives are busy celebrating on top. Denham, Driscoll and half the men run into the jungle while Skipper stays behind with the other half and wait for them*

Warlock: And the natives just let them go?

Wizard: They explain later.

*Denham’s crew follows the giant footprints of Kong until they spot a Stegosaurus in the distance. It roars and charges but the men with rifles and bombs shoot it down twice. A shot to the eye by Denham finishes it*

Warlock: I thought that was a plant eater, where did the sharp teeth come from?

Wizard: It was 1933, dinosaurs weren’t as well known about as they later would be.

*Driscoll “What do you call this thing?” Denham “I think its something from the dinosaur family.” Driscoll “Dinosaur eh?”

Warlock: Funny line.

*The sailors hear Kong tearing off through a swamp.They can’t follow on foot so they have to build a makeshift raft. They get it going and all the men pile on*

Warlock: How the hell did all of them fit on a makeshift raft?

Wizard: Its only a movie.

*As the raft gets underway, a brontosaurs shows up and tips the raft over. It starts attacking the crew as it frantically tries to swim away*

Warlock: Its funny because as you said, nobody knew which dinosaur was a meat or leaf eater then.

*The crew makes it ashore and run like hell. One guy falls behind. The brontosaurus in hot pursuit*

Warlock: Was it that fast? Oh yeah…only a movie.

Wizard: Now you get it.

*The guy who fell behind climbs a tree and the brontosaurus picks him off as the others get away*

Warlock: Sacrificed himself.

Wizard: Not really, he’s just an idiot.

*Kong makes it across a log overlooking a cliff and the crew makes its way toward it. Kong sets Ann down in a tree and goes to investigate. Denham catches himself on a tree and stays behind. Driscoll goes to lead the crew across the log but Kong is waiting for them. Driscoll makes it down a ledge as Kong shakes the giant log, one by one the sailors fall to their deaths. Just before he wipes out the last two, he shakes his head side to side*

Warlock: Hahahaa I love that, “Nooooooo”

*Kong wipes out the last one by dropping the entire log off the cliff*

Wizard: Say goodnight Dick. By the way, in an original script of the movie, the sailors were supposed to be alive and attacked by giant scorpions and spiders down in the pit.

Warlock: So they fell 40 feet and lived only for them to be killed by more giant things?

Wizard: Yeah, obviously that’s why they cut the idea.

*Kong goes for Driscoll but Jack pulls out a knife and stabs him in the hand, Kong feels the pain.*

Warlock: Yeeeouchhhh!

*Another dinosaur makes its way up a rope and Driscoll frantically cuts it before it reaches him*

Warlock: Close call.

*Kong goes to finish Jack off but a T-Rex shows up to harass Ann. Kong takes off to defend her*

Wizard: Time for the big fight.

Warlock: In this corner, T-Rex and in this corner, Kong!

*Kong and T-Rex fight. The tree gets knocked over and Ann is trapped underneath. Kong gets the upperhand and snaps Rex’s jaw*

Warlock: Winner and still champion, Kong!

*Kong frees Ann and continues on with her. Jack climbs back up and Denham asks where he’s going. Jack says after her and tells him to go back. Jack takes off after Kong as Denham makes his way back*

Wizard: So Denham is supposed to swim across that swamp and go back the way he came all by himself with no guns with God knows what lurking around?

Warlock: Only a movie right?

Wizard: Even that’s unrealistic.

*Next scene is Denham back with Skipper, Adams and the men. He tells what happened and Skipper says Driscoll is done for. Skipper asks if the bombs will stop Kong and Denham says yes. He asks what happened with the natives and Skipper says they fired a few warning shots and everyone cleared out. Denham “Gunpowder’s something new in their lives.”

Wizard: Yeah, run you little cowards.

*Denham tells Briggs to take some men and keep a watch in case somebody shows up. They leave at dawn come hell or high water*

Warlock: Yeah, if its Kong, run like hell.

*Kong takes Ann back to his cave, Driscoll follows. He sets her down but she’s attacked by a giant snake. Kong and the snake fight with Kong winning by smashing it against a rock a bunch of times. He roars and pounds his chest*

Warlock: Winner and still champion, Kong!

*Kong takes Ann to a cliff overlooking the island. He pounds his chest and roars*

Wizard: This is my turf!

*Ann faints and Kong strips her. Jack sneaks his way up to where they are but gets Kong’s attention by knocking over a boulder. A giant pterodactyl attacks and tries to lift Ann away. Kong saves her and fights the thing*

Wizard: He’s mauling the fucking thing.

*Jack grabs Ann and they find a rope to climb down as Kong kills the pterodactyl. He throws it off the cliff and looks around but Ann is gone*

Warlock: Now he’s pissed.

*Kong pulls the rope back up but Jack and Ann jump for it, landing in the water 100 feet below*

Warlock: That should have killed them.

Wizard: Most definitely.

*Jack and Ann swim to safety, then Jack picks her up and runs with her. Next frame shows the sailors waiting around the wall. Briggs spots Jack and Ann so they open the wall and let he through*

Warlock: Yay they made it……through the forest of dinosaurs with no weapons.

*After Jack and Ann make it back, Denham says he wants to take Kong back to New York. He says they have something he wants. The look-out says Kong is coming and they shut the wall. They bang the gong to summon the natives. They all try to hold the door but Kong busts through in an iconic image*

Warlock: Everybody run.

Wizard: Look at them all scatter.

*The guy with the bomb runs away and Denham tries to get him back. Meanwhile some baby is laying on the ground by itself. A fat lady looks at it and screams*

Wizard: Do something bitch!

*Some native picks up the baby in time as Kong plows though the village. Some warriors chuck spears at him but no effect. He takes a branch and wipes out a villager with it then tosses it aside, crushing another. He picks up the native he whacked and puts him in his mouth*

Wizard: Ugh, tastes like shit!

*Kong wipes out the spear chuckers with his fists*

Warlock: Yeah take that.

*A villager drops and Kong smushes his head in*

Warlock: Bahahahahaha

*Kong smushes a female villager*

Wizard: Smushed her like a cigarette

*Denham heaves a gas bomb and Kong is out cold*

Warlock: Those bombs are powerful.

*Denham “We’re millionaires boys, I’ll share it with all of you! In a few months it’ll be up in lights on Broadway, Kong…THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD!”

Warlock: Went to his head pretty good.

*Sure enough, next frame is Broadway where Kong is being shown on Broadway. New York citizens protests the ticket prices. Backstage Jack and Ann talk about Carl and he’s in a coat and tie. Denham is in a tux with a top hat*

Warlock: What a hat!

*The press show up to interview the trio. Ann says Driscoll saved her, but Driscoll says Carl saved them. Carl says no, Ann is the story because without her, they wouldn’t have gotten Kong’s attention*

Warlock: This is not gonna end well.

*Denham stands on stage and delivers a speech and introduces Kong, the eighth wonder of the world. The curtain is raised and the crowd is stunned.Carl introduces Ann and calls her the bravest girl he’s ever known. He then introduces her fiancee Jack Driscoll*

Warlock: Kong’s face says it all.

*Denham says the press will now take pictures. The flashbulbs start pissing Kong off*

Warlock: Uh oh.

Wizard: Yeah he’s getting mad.

*After 30 seconds of flashing Kong breaks free from the chains and everyone scatters. Kong unchains himself as everyone scatters*

Wizard: Run you bastards, run.

*Kong busts through the theater as a car crashes*

Warlock: Heh.

*Kong picks up some random dude and puts him in his mouth*

Warlock: Bahahahaha

*Kong spots a woman and climbs a building to go after her. He pulls a woman (Sandra Shaw) out, realizes its not Ann and drops her*

Wizard: She dead now.

*Jack brings Ann to a hotel room and Kong spots them*

Warlock: He’s like “Oh boy, I found her”

*Kong punches out Driscoll and pulls Ann out the window. He recognizes Ann’s scream and climbs with her. Jack runs into Carl and they go to the roof.  Kong is already gone down to ground level. He spots a passing train and climbs on the tracks*

Warlock: All aboard.

*Kong sticks his head through the platform and the train crashes. Kong looks in on everyone and smashes the train with his free hand. Next frame a radio announcer (Jack Pratt) says Kong is climbing the Empire State building. Driscoll, Denham and the police wonder what to do. Driscoll says fighter planes should do the trick*

Warlock: And now for the end.

*Kong makes it to the top of the building as 4 attack planes make their way toward Kong. The machine gunner (George Daly) and the pilot (Merian C Cooper) break off into attack formation. Kong picks off one of the planes but the rest cause enough damage to weaken him. Kong falls off the top and onto the ledge. He knows done for so he picks up Ann, grunts and puts her down to safety, away from the planes*

Warlock: This is hard to watch.

Wizard: The symbolism is amazing.

*Kong falls off the building as Jack runs up and gets Ann. On the ground near Kong’s body Denham survey the damage.  Cop “The airplanes got him.” Carl “Oh no, it wasn’t the airplanes, it was beauty killed the beast.” End credits

Warlock: Wowwwwwww.

The Grand Wizard had no assessment.

The Warlock’s Assessment: 9 out of 10

Final Grade: 9 out of 10

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: Well that was awesome. You can never go wrong with a classic like that. One of my favorites since I was 3 years old. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some business.

*Warlock leaves the lair and gets in his car with an unknown DVD in his hand. He drives off*

To Be Continued

93. Singin In The Rain (1952)

PREVIOUSLY ON WARLOCK’S MOVIE REALM

The Warlock and Neyzor Blades are watching Alien.

“Neyz: What song is that?

Warlock: You Are My Lucky Star.

Neyz: You know it?

Warlock: I cant sing it but I know its from Singin In The Rain”

PRESENT DAY

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a white dress shirt, black tie, black dress pants, black shoes and no shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock tapdances a number before going inside. Neyzor Blades is in the recliner looking at him funny*

Neyz: Did you just tapdance?

Warlock: Yeah…why?

Neyz: I didn’t know you could do that.

Warlock: There’s a lot of things you don’t know. Like what tonight’s movie is.

Neyz: Yeah I do, more crap.

Warlock: Not this time. No, tonight’s movie is actually my favorite movie of all time.

Neyz: If its one of your horror movies…..

Warlock: Not even close. My favorite movie to this day happens to be the classic musical, Singing In The Rain.

Neyz: What the hell are we watching this for?

Warlock: I’ll tell you in my Assessment later.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s not delay, let’s get started with Singin In The Rain.

Written by Adolph Green and Betty Comden

Directed by Stanley Donen and Gene Kelly

Cast:

Gene Kelly	…	Don Lockwood
	Donald O’Connor	…	Cosmo Brown
	Debbie Reynolds	…	Kathy Selden
	Jean Hagen	…	Lina Lamont
	Millard Mitchell	…	R.F. Simpson
	Cyd Charisse	…	Dancer
	Douglas Fowley	…	Roscoe Dexter
	Rita Moreno	…	Zelda Zanders
Rest of cast listed alphabetically:
	Dawn Addams	…	Teresa – a Lady-in-Waiting (uncredited)
	John Albright	…	Call Boy (uncredited)
	Betty Allen	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Sue Allen	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	John Angelo	…	Dancer (uncredited)
	Marie Ardell	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Bette Arlen	…	‘Miss January’ in ‘Beautiful Girl’ segment (uncredited)
	David Bair	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Jimmy Bates	…	Boy (uncredited)
	Mary Bayless	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Marcella Becker	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Margaret Bert	…	Wardrobe Woman (uncredited)
	Madge Blake	…	Dora Bailey (uncredited)
	Lulu Mae Bohrman	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Gail Bonney	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Chet Brandenburg	…	Film Crew Member (uncredited)
	Tex Brodus	…	Party Guest (uncredited)
	Barbara Carroll	…	‘Miss February’ in ‘Beautiful Girl’ Segment (uncredited)
	Gwen Carter	…	Girl Talking with Cosmo at Party (uncredited)
	Bill Chatham	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Lyle Clark	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Mae Clarke	…	Hairdresser (uncredited)
	Dorinda Clifton	…	‘Miss August’ in ‘Beautiful Girl’ segment (uncredited)
	Harry Cody	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Chick Collins	…	Fencer (uncredited)
	Pat Conway	…	Projectionist (uncredited)
	Jeanne Coyne	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Ruby C. Currie	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Fred Datig Jr.	…	Movie Usher (uncredited)
	Bert Davidson	…	Sound Engineer (uncredited)
	Robert Dayo	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Gloria Dea	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Rudy Del Campo	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Patricia Denise	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Harry Denny	…	Party Guest (uncredited)
	Kay Deslys	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	John Dodsworth	…	Baron de la Ma de la Toulon (uncredited)
	King Donovan	…	Rod (uncredited)
	Michael Dugan	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Phil Dunham	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Helen Eby-Rock	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Marietta Elliott	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Richard Emory	…	Phil – Villain in Barroom Brawl (uncredited)
	Betty Erbes	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Charles Evans	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Luigi Faccuito	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Tommy Farrell	…	Sid Phillips (uncredited)
	Don Fields	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Ernie Flatt	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Bess Flowers	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	George Ford	…	Security Guard (uncredited)
	Robert Fortier	…	Gangster in Broadway Melody Ballet (uncredited)
	Bill Foster	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Dan Foster	…	Assistant Director (uncredited)
	Robert Foulk	…	Matt – Policeman (uncredited)
	Clair Freeman	…	Dancer (uncredited)
	Kathleen Freeman	…	Phoebe Dinsmore (uncredited)
	Lance Fuller	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Doris Fulton	…	‘Miss October’ in ‘Beautiful Girl’ Segment (uncredited)
	Jeanne Gail	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Glen Gallagher	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Jon Gardner	…	Kid (uncredited)
	Diane Garrett	…	Usherette (uncredited)
	Jack George	…	Orchestra Leader (uncredited)
	John George	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Kenneth Gibson	…	Party Guest (uncredited)
	Shirley Glickman	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Mickey Golden	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Inez Gorman	…	Mrs. Simpson (uncredited)
	A. Cameron Grant	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Beatrice Gray	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Marion Gray	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Robert Haines	…	Awards Ceremony Attendee (uncredited)
	William Hamel	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Betty Hannon	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Sam Harris	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Jean Harrison	…	‘Miss April’ in ‘Beautiful Girl’ Segment (uncredited)
	Timmy Hawkins	…	Boy (uncredited)
	Jack Hendricks	…	Film Crew Member (uncredited)
	Lars Hensen	…	Minor Role (uncredited)
	Dean Henson	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Jean Heremans	…	Fencer (uncredited)
	Stuart Holmes	…	J. Cumberland Spendrill III (uncredited)
	Joyce Horne	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Don Hulbert	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Frank Hyers	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Patricia Jackson	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Ivor James	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Morgan Jones	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	David Kasday	…	Kid (uncredited)
	Jan Kayne	…	Usherette (uncredited)
	Jimmy Kelly	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Kenner G. Kemp	…	Police Escort at Premiere (uncredited)
	Mike Lally	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Judy Landon	…	Olga Mara (uncredited)
	Joi Lansing	…	‘Miss November’ in ‘Beautiful Girl’ segment (uncredited)
	Janet Lavis	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Virginia Lee	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Meredith Leeds	…	‘Miss December’ in ‘Beautiful Girl’ Segment (uncredited)
	William F. Leicester	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Peggy Leon	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Diki Lerner	…	Male Tango Dancer (uncredited)
	Bill Lewin	…	Bert – Cowboy Knocked Out in Barroom Brawl (uncredited)
	Sylvia Lewis	…	Female Tango Dancer (uncredited)
	King Lockwood	…	Assistant Cameraman (uncredited)
	John Logan	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Leon Lontoc	…	Filipino Butler (uncredited)
	Shirley Lopez	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Leota Lorraine	…	Film Crew Member (uncredited)
	Joan Maloney	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Paul Maxey	…	Dancing Fat Man at Party (uncredited)
	Dorothy McCarty	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Ann McCrea	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Philo McCullough	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Ray McDonald	…	Dancer (uncredited)
	Johnny McGovern	…	Boy (uncredited)
	Joseph Mell	…	Projectionist (uncredited)
	Sheila Meyers	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Wade Miller	…	Dancer (uncredited)
	Carl Milletaire	…	Villain (uncredited)
	Gloria Moore	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Marilyn Moore	…	Usherette (uncredited)
	Forbes Murray	…	Club Patron (uncredited)
	Peggy Murray	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Sally Musick	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Anne Neyland	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Ruth Packard	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Dorothy Patrick	…	Usherette (uncredited)
	Allen Pinson	…	Fencer (uncredited)
	‘Snub’ Pollard	…	Old Man Getting Umbrella in ‘Singin’ in the Rain’ Number (uncredited)
	Angi O. Poulos	…	Fruit Peddler (uncredited)
	George Reeder	…	Dancer (uncredited)
	Charles Regan	…	Saloon Keeper (uncredited)
	Shirley Jean Rickert	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Joanne Rio	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Joel Robinson	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Joette Robinson	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Tony Rocke	…	Man in Forecourt (uncredited)
	Victor Romito	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Dennis Ross	…	Cosmo as a Boy (uncredited)
	Paul Salata	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Cosmo Sardo	…	Party Guest (uncredited)
	Audrey Saunders	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Russell Saunders	…	Fencer (uncredited)
	William Schallert	…	Messenger on Screen (uncredited)
	Phil Schumacher	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Betty Scott	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	David Sharpe	…	Fencer (uncredited)
	Bert Spencer	…	Audience Member (uncredited)
	Elaine Stewart	…	Lady-in-Waiting (uncredited)
	Ben Strobach	…	Leading Man (uncredited)
	Brick Sullivan	…	Policeman in ‘Singin’ in the Rain’ Number (uncredited)
	Allen Sutherland	…	Don as a Boy (uncredited)
	Julius Tannen	…	Man in Talking Pictures Demonstration (uncredited)
	Harry Tenbrook	…	Sound Technician (uncredited)
	Beverly Thomas	…	‘Miss March’ in ‘Beautiful Girl’ Segment (uncredited)
	Beverly Thompson	…	‘Miss June’ in ‘Beautiful Girl’ Segment (uncredited)
	Jimmy Thompson	…	Singer in ‘Beautiful Girl’ Segment (uncredited)
	Dee Turnell	…	‘Miss July’ in ‘Beautiful Girl’ segment (uncredited)
	Lana Turner	…	Actress in ‘The Royal Rascal’ (uncredited)
	Dorothy Tuttle	…	Dancer (uncredited)
	Tyra Vaughn	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Pat Walker	…	‘Miss September’ in ‘Beautiful Girl’ Segment (uncredited)
	Tommy Walker	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Audrey Washburn	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)
	Bobby Watson	…	Diction Coach (uncredited)
	Ray Weamer	…	Chorus Boy (uncredited)
	Camille Williams	…	‘Miss May’ in ‘Beautiful Girl’ Segment (uncredited)
	Chalky Williams	…	Awards Ceremony Attendee (uncredited)
	Robert B. Williams	…	Policeman (uncredited)
	Wilson Wood	…	Rudy Vallee Impersonator (uncredited)
	Adam York	…	Publicity Man (uncredited)
	Norma Zimmer	…	Chorus Girl (uncredited)

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A silent film production company and cast make a difficult transition to sound”

Neyz: What?

Warlock: This was set when movies were still silent.

*Movie opens with musical intro with Don Lockwood (Gene Kelly), Cosmo Brown (Donald O’Connor) and Kathy Selden (Debbie Reynolds) in raincoats performing a bar of Singing In The Rain before the opening credits*

Warlock: Recognize Kathy?

Neyz: No.

Warlock: You will.

*We’re in front of the Chinese Theater in Hollywood where Dora Bailey (Madge Blake) has the play by play. Several of hollywood’s biggest stars are coming out to see the latest smash movie The Royal Rascal starring Don Lockwood and Lina Lamont (Jean Hagen). The first guest is Zelda Zanders (Rita Moreno). Some idiot stands and shouts “ZELDA, OH ZELDAAA!!!!”

Warlock: Hahahaha

Neyz: Obsessed much?

*Zelda is led on the red carpet by J Cumberland Spendrill the Third (Stuart Holmes). She mugs for the camera*

Neyz: That’s Lady T’s pose.

*Next is Olga Mara (Judy Landon) the exotic movie star with her husband Baron de la Bonnet de la Toulon (John Dodsworth)

Neyz: That’s a mouthful

Warlock: *facepalms* Translated, his name is Baron Hat of Toulon.

*Next on the scene is Cosmo Brown and nobody cares*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Cosmo is the piano player for Don and Lina and also Don’s best friend. He takes a backseat as Don and Lin arrive to rabid fans dying for their attention. One girl in the crowd faints*

Neyz: So ridiculous.

*Dora asks if they’re going to get married and Don says they’re just friends. Dora asks how he got his start in Hollywood and he completely bullshits with what REALLY happened in a montage. Don “Dignity, always dignity.” Don says he was enrolled in dance school where he met Cosmo and they performed for mom and dad’s society friends. What really happened is Cosmo played the harmonica and Don tapdanced at a local pool hall until the owner threw them out*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha what a bullshitter.

*Don says if he was good he would accompany mom and dad to the theater. They brought him up on Shaw, Moliere and the finest classics. What really happened was he and Cosmo would sneak into the theater to watch monster movies*

Warlock: Me and Mr.Wallstreet as kids.

*He says he and Cosmo had intense musical training at Conservatory of Fine Arts. What really happened is he played the fiddle and Cosmo the piano at a dive bar. He says they rounded out their apprenticeship at an exclusive dramatics academy. What really happened is they performed cornball skits at “Amateur Night*

Warlock: Me and Mr. America in high school.

*He says they embarked on a dance concert tour at some of the finest symphonic halls in the country. What really happened is they sang Fit As a Fiddle in plaid suits in some of the least known towns in the country. He says audiences adored them but they got booed off the stage*

Warlock: Our first real musical number.

Neyz: This is dreadful to watch.

*Finally Don says they made it to sunny California (its raining) where they were stranded…errr staying when movie studio offers started pouring in*

Warlock: Bahahahahaha

*Don says they made the choice of Monumental Pictures when in reality they were working as the sound crew. Luna is fighting with Bert (Bill Lewin) in a Western setting when Phil (Richard Emory) shows up and punches him out. The director Roscoe Dexter (Douglas Fowley) admonishes Bert for falling down instead of over the bar. Bert is out cold and Roscoe is beside himself*

Warlock: Good stunt doubles are hard to come by.

*Don in the flashback runs up and tells Roscoe he can take the bump. They reshoot the scene and Lockwood goes head over heels over the bar when punched. Roscoe says he’s their new stuntman. We get a montage of Don doing dangerous stunts while current Don in a voice-over said his roles were urbane, sophisticated and suave (they’re not). He says Lina was warm and helpful throughout when in reality, she blew him off as a commoner.  Roscoe runs up with the producer R.F. Simpson (Millard Mitchell) and Simpson says he’s a fan of his work. Simpson says he’s ready for a lead role and now Lina’s ready to give him attention. He asks if she’s busy and she shakes her head no. He says “That’s funny, I’m busy.” and blows her off. She responds by kicking him in the ass*

Warlock: Heh, she kicked his ass.

Neyz: So childish.

*Don says ends his epic speech as Dora hypes them up as they hit the theater. Next scene is the actual movie. Its silent and there’s no sound*

Neyz: There’s no way I could sit through that.

Warlock: I could, but only if it was short. Back then they didn’t have a choice, now it would be foolish.

*In the movie, Don is attacked by a bunch of French assassins and he wipes them all out, kissing Lina to end the movie*

Warlock: What a hero.

Neyz: Hardly.

*Lina tries to talk on stage after the movie and Don cuts her off every time to thank the fans and say goodnight. She blows mocking kisses to the crowd as Don rushes her off-stage*

Neyz: Why is he cutting her off?

Warlock: You’ll see.

*Rod (King Donovan) is backstage with Simpson and Cosmo as Don and Lina get back. They glad-hand each other until Lina goes on a tirade in a very annoying, high pitched voice*

Warlock: Now you get it?

Neyz: Nails on a chalkboard.

*Rod “You’re a beautiful woman and the audience think that you have a beautiful voice to match. The studio’ gotta keep our stars from looking ridiculous at any cost.” Cosmo “No one’s got that much money.”

Warlock and Neyz: Bahahahahaha

*Lina demands Rod write her a speech so she can memorize it. Cosmo sarcastically says to go out and recite the Gettysburg Address. She calls him a nobody*

Neyz: What a bitch.

Warlock: Hahaha can you imagine her standing there reciting the Address as the crowd either leaves, hurls garbage or falls asleep?

*Lina calls Don her fiancee and Don blows her off. He says there’s nothing between them and Rod says they should go to R.F’s party in separate cars to break up the mob. Once alone, Don says he can’t get her away even though he’s clearly not interested. Cosmo says to be thankful “Look at me, I got no glory, I got no fame, I got no big mansions, I got no money, but I’ve got….” Don “What do you got?” Cosmo “I gotta get outta here.”

Warlock: Hahahhaa

*On their way to Simpson’s party, Cosmo’s car gets a flat. While Cosmo goes to fix it, a mob of fans rush Don and yells out for Cosmo to call him a cab. Cosmo literally calls him a cab and Don says “Thank’s a lot” as he runs away*

Warlock: I gotta try that sometime.

*Don climbs a trolley car and jumps into a car driven by Kathy Selden. She freaks completely out and he tries to explain himself but she pulls over and calls a cop. The cop recognizes him and shoots the shit with Kathy looking stunned. Don explains what happened and the cop tells Kathy she’s lucky. Don asks to be taken to Camden and Sunset and they introduce themselves. Don quotes Cosmo and he hits on her really badly*

Neyz: He’s awful.

Warlock: Yeah, and she was about 20 at the time, him 40.

*She says she doesn’t go to the movies much because “If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.” Don is taken aback and asks why. She claims they just look around and pose because they don’t talk or act*

Warlock: That’s why I never got into silent movies. You and I could do that shit.

*She drops him off and he gets pissed. He asks what she does and she claims she’s a stage actress. He starts patronizing her and she doesn’t like it. She calls him a shadow and she pushes him away. He says he’s not going to molest her and tears his jacket when it gets caught in the car door. She laughs at him*

Warlock: He called her Ethel Barrymore, that’s hilarious.

Neyz: Who?

Warlock: Nevermind.

*Kathy drives up to Simpson’s house, apparently she’s going to be performing for him later. The party is ridiculous with Olga and the Baron dancing horribly*

Warlock: I can dance better than that.

Neyz: That is so ridiculous.

*Don finds Cosmo and asks if he’s a good actor. Simpson and Lina show up and Don is mad “Hellooooo Lina”

Warlock: Hahahaha.

*Simpson says he has a surprise and someone has invented a talking picture. The guy (Julius Tannen) pre-recorded his voice on a record and synchronized it with his actual speech to give. The fat man (Paul Maxey) is convinced its Simpson behind a screen but RF is right behind them*

Warlock: And that’s how they did it in 1927.

*RF tells Rod, Cosmo and Roscoe that the Warner Brothers plan to make The Jazz Singer their first ever talking picture. They all scoff at it and Roscoe says it’ll never amount to anything*

Warlock: How wrong they were.

*Kathy bursts out of a cake and Don spots her. “Well, if it isn’t Ethel Barrymore” He taunts her as she goes into a dance number with a bunch of girls.

Warlock: Haahhaahhahaha

*The girls perform “I Dream of You”

Warlock: Catchy.

Neyz: The cat’s meow?

Warlock: Reowwww

*Don continues to taunt her and she gets mad. Lina shows up and calls her a dame. Don takes Lina’s side and says she’s lofty and far above them all. Kathy grabs the real cake and throws it at Don’s head but he ducks and Lina takes it in the face*

Warlock: Wompwompwomppppppppp

Neyz: She had it coming.

*Lina screams as Don tries to calm her down. Cosmo joins in “Lina you never looked better”

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

*Don runs off after Kathy but she already hightailed it out of there. Next frame is Don walking around Monumental Pictures saying hi to people. He walks up to Cosmo who says The Jazz Singer is an all-time smash. Don says his next movie is called The Dueling Cavalier which is a French Revolution story. Cosmo has the plot already figured out*

Warlock: Bahahaha look at that idiot in the background.

*Cosmo says “If you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all” and it reminds Don of Kathy. Cosmo says its been 3 weeks since that night and Don says she hasn’t seen her since she got fired for chucking a cake at Lina*

Warlock: Saw that coming.

*Cosmo performs Make Em Laugh which can’t be described, it must be seen to be appreciated. Warlock sings along in perfect harmony with most of the mannerisms*

Neyz: How did you do that?

Warlock: Years of practice.

*Next frame is Don dressed in costume complete with powdered wig. Lina says anyone who wore wigs like that is a dope. Lina confronts Don about Kathy and admits she got her fired. Before he can complain, Roscoe says action. They fight with words but their mannerisms are for the movie purposes*

Warlock: The one advantage to a silent picture, you can say whatever the hell you want and there’s no microphone to pick it up.

*Don calls Lina a reptile and kisses her. Roscoe says cut and he pulls away disgusted. She says he couldn’t kiss her and not mean it and Don says he’d rather kiss a tarantula. She says he doesn’t mean that and Don says “Hey Joe, bring me a tarantula.”

Warlock: Hey bring me a tarantula.

Neyz: You know I hate spiders.

*Simpson barges in and says to stop filming. Roscoe screams everyone go home. Simpson says The Jazz Singer was such a smash success that they need to do a talking picture of their own. Cosmo sings a song from the song and Simpson cuts him off*

Warlock: Darling little mammy down in Alabamy

Neyz: Stop that.

*Simpson says Cosmo is the head of the new music department. Simpson wants The Dueling Cavalier to be a musical. Simpson “Picture it, Lamont and Lockwood, they talk!” Lina “Well of course we talk, don’t everybody?” Roscoe, Simpson and Don all turn and look at her in total disgust*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

Neyz: Pleaseeee

*Montage of talking musicals is shown before we get Jimmy Thompson performing Beautiful Girls with Kathy Seldon as one of his girls*

Warlock: Finally we see her again.

*Simpson asks who she is and Cosmo recognizes her. The director says she’d be good as Zelda’s kid sister and Zelda looks mortified. Cosmo runs off to get Don, meanwhile Warlock sings along with the singer*

Neyz: How do you know all these songs?

*The director introduces Kathy and Don with Cosmo in tow runs up to her. Kathy admits she hit Lina with the cake and it was meant for Don. Simpson tells Don he was about to hire her and Don says that’s great. Simpson asks if he speaks for Lina too and Don says he’s the studio head. Simpson says she’s hired*

Neyz: Awww yayyyy.

*Don and Kathy share bonding moments before Don takes her inside an unused movie set. He cues up the lights and goes into “You Were Meant For Me”.Warlock sings along*

Neyz: Again…how the hell do you know this?

*Newspaper ad says big bonanza for diction coaches. Next frame we see Phoebe Dinsmore (Kathleen Freeman) tries in vain to get Lina to speak perfect English.

Warlock: Recognize her from somewhere?

Neyz: No.

Warlock: Its Ms Olin from Hocus Pocus.

Neyz: No way!

Warlock: Yup, she’s ageless.

*Lina sucks at English and Don isn’t much better with his coach (Bobby Watson) but at least he has Cosmo with him. He starts going over hilarious phrases as Cosmo makes faces first with him and then at him. Don and Cosmo go into “Moses Supposes” Warlock joins in, including the tap dancing number*

Neyz: Ok I give up, you win.

*Warlock, Cosmo and Don “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!”

Neyz: I give you an F.

*Back at the studio, they’re going for the first take on the talking picture. They can’t hear shit because Lina isn’t talking into the mic. Roscoe says to talk into the mic in the bush, Phoebe tells her to speak in round tones*

Warlock: Hahahaha I love it. In the bush!

*Gene asks Roscoe if he can change some dialogue. Roscoe says sure but INTO THE BUSH! Quiet! ROLL EM!” Second take Lina is all over the place and Roscoe cuts. He says to talk into the mic and Lina says she can’t make love to a bush*

Warlock: I ca…..

Neyz: Don’t even think about it.

*Roscoe’s next idea is hiding the microphone in her corset. Phoebe tells her to pick up heavy A’s and Roscoe patronizes her. They try a third take but the mic picking up her heartbeat. The fourth take has the mic on her shoulder. Roscoe “Quiet…roll em….”

Warlock: He’s had enough.

*Simpson walks in and nearly trips over the mic chord. He pulls the chord and Lina goes flying. Roscoe has a mental breakdown*

Warlock and Neyz: Bahahhahaha

*Don and Kathy pull up at the Chinese Theater for a preview of The Dueling Cavalier. Cosmo cuts them off and say to enter separately because Lina is lurking somewhere. The movie gets underway and the sound is all over the place. The slightest things make noise and the dialogue is so corny people begin laughing their asses off*

Warlock: Greatest unintentional comedy ever.

Neyz: I cahnt stand em!

*Roscoe “She never could remember where the mic was*

Warlock: This embarrassing.

*Don “I love you I love you I love you I love you love you love you” Some guy “Did somebody get paid for writing that dialogue” The sound the goes out of synchronization and the dialogue is all out of order. Yes, yes yes, no no no. People could of the theater making fun of it. RF says they’re ruined. Everyone says how horrible it is. Lina “I liked it”

Warlock: Heh.

*Cosmo, Kathy and Don are in Don’s house. Don calls himself a fraud and says Kathy was right all along. Don says Lina was the only thing worse than him. Cosmo and Kathy try to cheer him up. Kathy gets the great idea to get Dueling Cavalier into a musical. Don finally gets into it and says he’s in. They go into “Good Morning” with Warlock singing along.

Neyz: Fuck it, go ahead…

*They laugh at the end of their song but suddenly Don gets serious. He says they can’t make a musical. Kathy asks why and Don has one word “Lina.”  They all get sad. Cosmo “She can’t act, she can’t sing and she can’t dance”

Warlock: Makes a perfect Kardashian doesn’t she.

*Kathy then laughs at when the sound gets out of synch.  Cosmo then gets the bright idea of having Kathy overdub Lina’s voice. Don is skeptical because he wants Kathy to have her own career. She says its fine because she wants to save Lockwood and Lamont*

Warlock: A real hero.

*Kathy kisses Don “Don you’re a genius.” Cosmo “I’m glad you thought of it.” Kathy “Oh Cosmo” She kisses him and he falls off the couch. Next frame Kathy and Don share a goodnight kiss as he walks away in the rain. He then goes into “Singing in the Rain” with Warlock singing along*

Neyz: For once you have the sound down.

*At the end of the number he splashes around until a cop (Brick Sullivan) shows up to stop him. Don gives his umbrella to some old guy (Snub Pollard) and struts off. Cosmo and Don pitch the idea to Simpson and he likes it, only they need a new title. Cosmo “I got it, The Dueling Mammy”

Neyz: Terrible.

*Cosmo “I’ve got it….nevermind.” They pace around and Cosmo goes “The Dancing Cavalier”

Warlock: That’s more like it.

*Simpson says they need a new plot. Cosmo says a young aspiring broadway goer tries to make it big, then one night during a production he’s reading A  Tale of Two Cities when a sandbag falls and hits him in the head. He dreams he’s back in the French Revolution where they use modern dance numbers but use the costumes as well*

Warlock: He came up with that in 7 seconds?

Neyz: He’s better than you.

*Simpson “Sensational, remind me to give you a raise.” Cosmo “Hey RF” Simpson “Yeah?” Cosmo “Give me a raise.”

Warlock: That was quick.

*Kathy sings Would You perfectly as Lina sings it badly*

Warlock: I sing better than Lina.

*They finish filming and watch it back with Kathy’s overdub and Simpson, Cosmo and Don think its amazing. Simpson says after this, they’re going to make Kathy a big star. He asks what’s left to film and Don says a scene and a number. RF asks what and Don says its something he’s worked on called Broadway Melody.  We go into a huge production of Broadway Melody*

Warlock: Its like a movie within a movie.

*Don as the “hoofer” dances for various talent scouts but two of them blow him off. The final one takes him to a dance club where he peforms Gotta Dance….until he runs into a smoking hot dancer in a green dress.

Neyz: Who is that?

Warlock: Cyd Charisse. My grandmother hated her.

Neyz: Why?

Warlock: Just watch.

*The dancer puts on an exotic dance number to seduce Don as her gangster boyfriend (Robert Fortier) looks on*

Warlock: Now you see it, that was basically a striptease for 1952 standards.

Neyz: Tame now.

Warlock: Well yeah, 60 years later.

*Hoofer goes to kiss her but the gangster stops him and pulls her away. Meanwhile the talent scout pulls Don aside and we get a montage of Hoofer moving up the ranks from Burlesque to Vaudeville to Broadway*

Warlock: Hahahaha

Neyz: I prefer Vaudeville.

*Hoofer is at a high rolling casino glad handing everyone until he spots the smoking hot dancer. He daydreams of romantically dancing with her for a good few minutes. When he comes to he goes to say hi but she blows him off, giving him her coin she got from the gangster. He walks away dejected in a white top hat and coattails until another Hoofer shows up and we finally end the segment*

Warlock: Yeah really, a movie within the movie.

Neyz: And it flowed so well.

*Simpson and Cosmo say the Melody is a fantasic idea. Simpson says “Don’t let Lina know about the re-dub. Kathy finishes the dub and Don says after this is over, he’s going to expose Lina and let everyone know how he’s in love with Kathy. All of a sudden Lina walks in with Zelda in tow, she’s pissed.”

Warlock: Ruh roh.

*Don says he’s in love with Kathy but she doesn’t get it. Lina says she’s finished and Cosmo shows up and says if it wasn’t for Kathy, SHE’D be finished. Lina says who would ever heard of her and Don says everyone. That’s why Zelda is scared shitless. Lina finally figures it out that Kathy gets the full credit for the talking and singing. She goes on a rant and says she makes more money than Calvin Coolidge….put together*

Warlock: That was my mom’s favorite line.

Neyz: The president?

Warlock: Yup

*Lina’s dastardly plan was to go to the press, over the head of Simpson, and tell them she’s going to be doing all the singing and dancing. Simpson and Rod are pissed. Lina walks in and blackmails both Rod and Simpson by saying she can sue for using Kathy and Simpson says fine, Kathy’s out. Lina’s evil plan is have Kathy going on dubbing for her instead of go off on her own career. Simpson says he won’t stand for it*

Neyz: What a bitch!

*The movie premiere is at the Chinese Theater. The Dancing Cavalier ends with “Would You” Cosmo sits with Kathy in the front row. After the final curtain Lina unveils her master plan and Don is pissed. They run back and forth between taking bows on stage and arguing in the back. Don calls her a boa constrictor*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Don tries to talk sense into Simpson. Lina then goes nuts saying Don doesn’t matter and Simpson doesn’t matter, she’s taking over*

Warlock: She’s lost it folks.

*Don says the crowd wants Lina to give a speech. Lina says she’s gonna talk for herself. Don says let her do it. Simpson and Cosmo get it and they let Lina sink herself with her natural god awful voice*

Warlock: Nice set up.

*The crowd wants her to sing. She runs to the back and Don does the 3 Stooges huddle with Simpson and Cosmo. They tell Rod to set up a microphone and Kathy will overdub for her. Don and Simpson pretend to be mad at her and Kathy takes it personal, saying she never wants to see him again. Lina says she’s going to sing Singing In The Rain in A flat*

Warlock:  This autta be good.

*Simpson, Don and Cosmo mock Lina as Kathy sings the overdub. They then pull up the curtain to expose Lina as a fraud. Cosmo pushes Kathy out of the way and sings as the crowd roars. Kathy runs off crying as Lina storms off. Don runs up and says Kathy is the real star. Don professes his love by singing “You’re My Lucky Star” Warlock DOESN’T sing along*

Neyz: What? You’re not singing?

Warlock: I….I don’t know the words.

Neyz: WOWWWW….Mr Know It All doesn’t know the words. Isn’t this amazing.

*Movie ends with Don and Kathy kissing after looking at a billboard of themselves credited for Singing In The Rain by Monumental Pictures*

Neyz: Awww yay.

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I loved it, it was a fun, classic movie. 7 out of 10

Warlock’s Assessment: People always ask me what my favorite movie is. Some of my favorites are Aliens, Predator 2, The Warriors and others…but my answer shocks everyone. THIS is my favorite movie of all time. 10 out of 10….it bridges the gap between my childhood and today.

Final Grade: 8.5 out of 10 – Brilliant

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: AND THAT’S THE BROADWAYYYYYYY MELODDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Neyz: You’re not Gene Kelly.

Warlock: Oh my darling little mammy, down in Alabammy

Neyz: Cut it out!

Warlock: Oh the hell with it. This is my favorite of all time and nobody is going to change my mind.

*Warlock tapdances as Neyzor Blades facepalms*

Warlock: *sings badly* HAVE A PLEASANTTTTTTTT EVENINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

92. The Good Son (1993)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a gray wife-beater, blue jeans, black gargoyle shades and white sneakers. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates before walking inside*

Warlock: Tonight is going to be a little bit different. We’re going to be watching The Good Son tonight.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner in standard attire*

Neyz: What is this about?

Warlock: A battle between good and evil.

Neyz: Oh wonderful….who’s in it?

Warlock: You’ll see.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get started. Its time for The Good Son.

Written by Ian McEwan

Directed by Joseph Ruben

Cast:

Macaulay Culkin	…	Henry
	Elijah Wood	…	Mark
	Wendy Crewson	…	Susan
	David Morse	…	Jack
	Daniel Hugh Kelly	…	Wallace
	Jacqueline Brookes	…	Alice
	Quinn Culkin	…	Connie
	Ashley Crow	…	Janice
	Guy Strauss	…	Arizona Doctor
	Keith Brava	…	Doctor in Blackport
	Jerem Goodwin	…	Factory Worker
	Andria Hall	…	Woman Reporter
	Bobby Huber	…	Axe Man
	Mark Stefanich	…	Ice Man
	Susan Hopper	…	Woman at Rescue
	Rory Culkin	…	Richard in Picture
Rest of cast listed alphabetically:
	Pui Fan Lee	…	Child’s Mother At Hockey (uncredited)
	Christopher C. Murphy	…	Young Man Next to Swing Set at Park (uncredited)
	Dale Resteghini	…	Hockey Player (uncredited)

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A young boy stays with his aunt and uncle, and befriends his cousin who’s the same age. But his cousin begins showing increasing signs of violent behavior.”

Neyz: Oh boy

Warlock: You’re gonna love who the cousin is.

*Opening credits, Elijah Wood and Macauley Culkin*

Neyz: KEVIN!!!!!

Warlock: Told you.

*Mark Evans (Elijah Wood) is playing soccer and scores a goal. Warlock runs around the room*

Warlock: GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!

Neyz: Will you sit down??

*Jack (David Morse) takes Mark to the hospital. The doctor (Guy Strauss) says “she’s not doing well.”

Neyz: Oh no, this better not be a sad movie.

Warlock: Sorry.

Neyz: I’m not watching this!

Warlock: Yes you are!

*Mark walks in, his mom Janice (Ashley Crow) is really sick. She says “I’ll always be with you Mark, always”

Neyz: She’s dead.

*Mark “You’re not gonna die because I won’t let you”

Neyz: It’s weird.

*Janice dies offscreen and next scene is the funeral. The mass is surrounded by desert*

Neyz: Where are they, Colorado?

Warlock: Arizona.

Neyz: He must be dying in that suit.

*Jack tells his brother Wallace (Daniel Hugh Kelly) that he can’t leave. Apparently he has to leave for Tokyo for 2 weeks and has to bring Mark to live with Wallace’s family. Jack says he’ll take him to Maine himself.*

Warlock:  That’s gotta suck. His mom dies and his father takes off.

*Jack drives a Jeep wrangler through the desert and Mark is playing Gameboy. Jack tells him to put it down and enjoy the scenery*

Warlock: Hah, he reminds me of me.

*Jack pulls over and says not to shut him out. Mark says mom is coming back, Jack says she’s not. Mark gets mad and runs into the desert*

Neyz: If that was my kid, ohhhhhhh no way. I’d pull his ass back to the car, there could be snakes and shit out there.

*Next frame is a ferry going into a snowy town called Blackport. Henry Evans (Macauley Culkin) watches from the mansion as Neyz jumps up*

Neyz: That’s Manchester by the Sea. I’ve been by that house.

*Wallace runs out with his daughter Connie (Quinn Culkin) riding piggyback. He says Jack traveled 11 states to get there*

Warlock: What a haul.

*Connie drags Mark inside as Wallace says not to fight her. Susan Evans (Wendy Crewson) says its been 10 years and gives Mark an awkward hug. All of a sudden Henry pokes his head out of a staircase with a mask on, Connie screams*

Neyz: That’s scawryyyy

*Henry bring Mark a mask of his own and they both wear them. They stare at each other. Susan says she’s spoken with Alice Davenport (Jacqueline Brookes) as therapy since Jack can’t get through to Mark*

Warlock: Yeah, that’s normal.

*At dinner, Henry kicks Mark in the shin and he almost chokes on his lobster. Mark kicks him back and Henry smiles and says “No, that’s not gonna do it.”

Neyz: He likes it the sick bastard.

*Henry shows Mark how to open lobster claws*

Warlock: Those things are a pain in the ass.

*Jack takes off and says he’ll be back in 2 weeks. He’s leaving now so he never has to leave again*

Warlock: That’s actually good dialogue.

*Jack “We’ll be together in real soon”

Warlock: In helllllll!!!!

*Mark wakes up and Henry is outside playing army by himself. Mark quickly dresses but walks into another bedroom. Susan stops him and makes him breakfast*

Warlock: Yeah, go eat kid.

*Susan says she’s glad Mark is there. Henry calls him outside. They toss a football around before Henry brings Mark to his treehouse. Mark is scared but says he’s not afraid of heights. Connie shows up as they climb*

Warlock: Why the hell did he build it so far up?

*A branch breaks and Mark nearly falls to his death. Henry grabs him in time but says “If I let you go, you think you could fly?” while smiling.

Neyz: Kids a fuckin weirdo.

Warlock: Yeah, he damn near dropped him.

*Henry and Mark throw rock through glass windows until a factory worker (Jerem Goodwinn) chases them away and calls them little bastards*

Warlock: This movie is rated R

*Henry and Mark run to a cemetery where Henry lights up a cigarette. Mark takes a drag and coughs. Henry establishes himself as obsessed with death while they walk in a circle. Henry says he looked real hard at his brother Richard (Rory Culkin) when he drowned*

Neyz: Wait, what?

*Mark is freaked out when Henry badgers him. Mark says he’ll hit him and Henry stands over a well and says “Try it, and I’ll throw you in” Henry apologizes and shakes his hand*

Neyz: And the abuse cycle begins.

*Henry and Mark laugh about the day’s events and Henry says tomorrow will be even better*

Warlock: Uh oh.

*Henry and Mark run around a sea-port*

Neyz: That’s Rockport, I’ve been there too.

Warlock: So they’re not in Maine at all?

Neyz: Hell no, the mansion is in Manchester and this is Rockport.

*Kids walk across a bridge*

Neyz: That’s the Annisquam Bridge!

Warlock: Have you been there?

Neyz: Yes!

*A pitbull chases Mark and Henry. Henry says “Nice knowing ya”

Warlock: Hahahaha

Neyz: He’s not even barking, that’s overdubbed.

*Henry barks back at the dog*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Henry says he loves that dog as they run off*

Neyz: He is a sick bastard.

*Henry and Mark spot Susan at the edge of a cliff and Henry says she goes there to think about Richard. Next frame Henry takes Mark to his shed to show off his “invention”

Warlock: This autta be good.

*Henry has invented a crossbow that shoots bolts. Henry goes to hit a cat and Mark tells him just to scare it. Henry says “sure” and fires…hitting the tree next to the cat. The cat doesn’t even move. Mark inspects the tree and says nice shot. Henry says the sight isn’t right yet*

Neyz: He was aiming for the cat the little shit.

*Mark runs to the therapist Alice Davenport’s house*

Neyz: That’s front beach in Rockport. I’ve been there.

Warlock: Wow.

*Mark doesn’t really want to talk but Alice gets him to open up. Mark blames himself for his mom dying*

Warlock: That’s not true. Stop kicking yourself.

*Next frame Mark tosses and turns in bed. He wakes up and calls out for his own mom*

Neyz: Shit just got weird.

*Mark calls out for his mom but its really Susan. He looks terrified. He starts saying she came back and its her. He’s delusional but Susan is oblivious*

Warlock: He’s delusional. He thinks Susan is his mom reincarnated.

*Meanwhile Henry looks on jealous*

Neyz: Asshole….

*Next frame is Mark and Connie doing a puzzle. Connie asks if he likes living there, he says yes. Henry walks up and says let’s go. He grabs Mark but pushes Connie away. “Not you!” Connie says Mark is her friend too and Mark says he’ll be back later*

Neyz: That’s how all siblings act. It sucks.

*Henry and Mark bring the crossbrow gun and Henry wants to take out the dog. Mark tells him not to but Henry fires and kills it*

Neyz: Fuckin piece of shit.

*Mark is totally freaked out but Henry says coldly with a smile “I was only trying to scare him.”

Neyz: Asshole piece of shit.

*Henry and Mark drag the dog’s corpse and throws it down a well. Henry hums Taps and Mark walks away*

Warlock: Wow.

Neyz: Are you kidding me?

*Henry is swordfighting by himself as Mark looks on. Waves crash against the wall*

Neyz: Why would you live there? Bad waves would take out the whole deck.

*Mark looks at a picture of him and his mother and Susan says everyone loved Janice. Susan says she’s alive in him, Mark says in her too. He spots Richard as a baby and Susan says she misses him. Henry appears and says he wants to show him something. He says its top secret and can’t say*

Warlock: Hahaha top secret.

*Henry apologizes for the dog and says he wants Mark to meet someone. He turns the light on and Henry has a mannequin and asks if Mark will help him*

Neyz: This kid needs life skills.

*Henry and Mark take “Mr. Highway” to an overpass. Henry says he’s had enough of life and he throws him off. An RV swerves and rolls over to avoid the “body” and it causes a 20 car pile up, cars crashing into each other*

Warlock: Oh ho ho ho that sonovabitch, wowwwww

Neyz: That’s not funny, that’s horrible.

*Mark “You could have killed people?” Henry “With your help.” Henry “Once your realize you can do anything, you’re free. Nobody can touch you. Don’t be afraid to fly Mark.” Mark :”You’re sick!” Henry “Hey, I promised you something amazing. Where’s my grattitude?”

Neyz: How does nobody know these two little brats did that?

*News reporter on tv (Andria Hall) reports the 10 car pile up. Nobody was seriously hurt although some people got bumps and bruises. Mark wants to tell Wallace but Henry coldly says he’ll blame it on him. Henry runs upstairs as Mark tells Wallace that he’s been acting weird and he’ll see if he’s okay. Mark retreats to Henry’s room and Mark tells him to go away. Henry says “Go away? This is MY room.” Connie runs in and says they can go skating tomorrow. Henry grabs her by the ears and tells her never to come into his room again. Mark throws Henry against the wall and says its his room too now and she can stay*

Neyz: The plot thickens!

Warlock: What do you think of a heel Macauley Culkin?

Neyz: Not used to this at all.

*They grab each other and Connie runs off to tell someone. Henry taunts Mark by saying “You like my sister don’t you? Would be a shame if something would happen to her. Accidents do happen, after all, look what happened to my brother Richard”

Warlock: Wowwwwww

Neyz: What?

Warlock: He just took credit for killing Richard without actually saying so.

*Susan runs in and Henry says they were just playing. Mark goes along with it as Susan leaves. The next day Mark sits by himself as Connie plays at a playground. Alice Davenport shows up to talk to Mark. Mark asks what makes people evil. Alice says “evil is a word people use when they stop trying to understand something” Mark asks if Henry is evil without mentioning his name. Alice says she doesn’t believe in evil. Mark says she should*

Warlock: Wow.

*Jack calls and Henry answers. He says he doesn’t know where Mark is even though he’s right outside. He says he’ll tell Mark he called and hangs up*

Warlock: Yeah that’s not gonna happen.

*At dinner, Wallace says he’s taking Susan out to dinner and asks the boys to babysit Connie. Henry says sure as Mark looks scared*

Warlock: Mark’s face is priceless.

*Henry says that Mark wants to move into Richard’s room. Mark denies it but Wallace says its a good idea. Susan is miffed and doesn’t want to, she hasn’t moved on yet. Wallace says  she needs to face it and Susan runs away crying*

Neyz: So did Henry just stir the pot with these two now?

Warlock: Yup.

*Henry spies on Susan. He walks in and consoles her while smiling. Next frame Wallace and Susan leave as Mark protests. They leave and Connie wants to play hide and seek. Henry “I bet I find her first” and he kills the circuit breaker*

Neyz: Fuckin really? They have a fire in the fireplace going.

Warlock: Oh I’m sure that’ll come into play.

*Mark frantically searches for Connie and Henry shines a flashlight on him. Henry “Unfair? What do you think this is, a game?”

Neyz: This kid’s such a creepo.

Warlock: I’m diggin it. This really would be like Kevin McCallister turning heel after being traumatized by Marv and Henry.

*Henry finds Connie and she screams. Mark runs in and Connie is giggling because Henry is tickling her. Mark wants to stop but Henry says to keep going. Connie runs off with Mark as Henry plots something*

Warlock: Oh this is gonna end well.

*Mark reads Connie a bed-time story*

Warlock: Time for sleep.

Neyz: Not you! Wake up!

*Mark finishes the story and Henry walks in to tuck her in. “Such a sweet little thing, do you think I’d hurt her?” Mark “Yes.” Henry “What are you gonna do, watch her all night?” Next frame shows Mark asleep on Connie’s floor. He wakes up and runs but overhears Susan and Wallace arguing about Richard.  Apparently she left Richard in the bath as she went to answer the phone. Susan reveals Henry took Connie skating, Mark takes off in hot pursuit*

Neyz: What hustle.

Warlock: He could have outrun Usain Bolt right there.

*Mark finds them skating and he runs after them without skates on.He trips and falls everywhere*

Warlock: Mighty Ducks 2 audition?

*Henry builds up  ahead of steam and launches Connie into the breakable ice area. She falls through and Henry aligator arms her*

Neyz: Oh come on! Nobody is gonna do anything?

*Henry lets her go under as two guys (Bobby Huber and Mark Stefanich) rescue her out of the ice just in time*

Warlock: Wowwwwwwwwwww

*Susan runs to the hospital and Wallace is there saying she’s okay. Everyone looks over her bed except Mark who’s outside stewing*

Neyz: What a fuckin piece of shit.

*Susan stands at the ledge*

Neyz: Oh now he’s gonna push her over the edge

*Mark walks up to her*

Warlock: No, its Mark, not Henry.

*Mark tries to tell Susan that Henry deliberately tried to drown her. Susan slaps Mark and doesn’t believe him. She tells him not to lie*

Warlock: He told the wrong parent.

Neyz: No, he would have done the same.

Warlock: No, she’s fucked up.

*In Connie’s hospital bed, Henry visits*

Neyz: Oh great.

Warlock:How did he get there?

Neyz: His dad works there.

*Susan is with Connie and Henry says he’s concerned. Susan says she won’t remember what happened. Henry says that’s a good thing. Susan asks what really happened and Henry says it was an accident. He says he never appreciated her until now*

Warlock: Kid’s a con artist.

*Mark calls Jack and tells him Henry is a heel. Of course Jack doesn’t believe him either. Jack does tell him to talk to Alice Davenport and he’ll be there soon*

Warlock: Famous last words.

*Mark runs to Alice Davenport’s but Henry beat him to the punch. Alice listened to Henry first and Mark says she’s on his side and runs off. Henry pins the blame on him by saying he’s a psycho*

Warlock: Wonderful.

*Henry confronts Mark in the treehouse and Mark says sooner or later someone is going to find out. Henry taunts Mark by calling his mother maggot food and Mark says no, Susan is his mother now. He slides down and Henry says “Don’t fuck with me.”

Warlock: Heeeeeel! I love it

Neyz: Woahhhh, f bomb.

*Mark checks on Connie in the middle of the night and walks downstairs. Henry stalks him and casually mentions he poisoned the food. Next frame Mark is jamming the entire fridge’s contents into the garbage disposal as Henry tells his parents to come quick. They stop him and Wallace sends Mark into Richard’s room. Mark says “No one will believe me”

Neyz: He set him up something fierce.

*Henry stalks Susan until he slinks away*

Neyz: That was funny

*Susan investigates Henry’s workshed. She finds a rubber duck on the ground. Henry walks in and asks what she;s doing there. Susan asks if there’s anything wrong and he says no. Susan holds up Richard’s rubber duck and Henry says “Where did you get that?” Susan says she couldn’t find it and asked if he had it all along. Henry “It was mine before it was his.” Susan asks where he got it and he says he took it because he wanted to remember Richard with it. Susan says no. Henry aggressively attacks her and they have a struggle*

Neyz: Over a rubber duckie. You’re caught you little bastard!

*Henry runs to the well in the cemetary and throws the duck in. Next frame shows Susan standing on the ledge*

Warlock: NOW he;’s gonna push her off.

Neyz: I friggin hope not, for my sanity’s sake.

*Henry is in the corner crying as Mark asks what he’s doing.  Henry says he doesn’t know if he’ll cry at his mom’s funeral. Mark “You wouldn’t.” Henry “Hey, she’s not my mom remember? She’s yours.” Mark “I’ll kill you first.” Henry “Go for it” Mar grabs scissors and pushes Henry on the bed, holding them to his throat. Henry taunts him to do it but Mark doesn’t. Wallace runs in and stops him and Henry passes it off at Mark’s the psycho. Wallace locks him in the living room and he’s there waiting for Susan. Henry gets to her first and asks to go for her a walk*

Neyz: Maybe she’ll throw him off a cliff.

*Mark takes a chair and heaves it through a window and Wallace plus Alice Davenport stop him. He breaks free as we shift to Henry. Susan asks him the truth about Richard. Susan asks him straight up if he killed Richard. Henry “What if I did?” Susan “We’ll get you help.” Henry backtracks and says he’d rather be dead. He runs off and she follows. She runs to the end of the cliff and he’s behind her*

Warlock: Good call.

*Henry runs and pushes her off the cliff, she catches herself on a rock. Henry goes to take her out with a boulder but Mark tackles him in time*

Neyz: Boss fight

Warlock: Sacked at the 5 yard line.

*Mark and Henry roll around as Susan makes her way back to the top all bloody. Henry and Mark roll off but Susan grabs them both. Henry says to let Mark go and  Susan says “Henry…Henry” and lets Henry drop. She pulls Mark up and they see the rock covered in blood below*

Neyz: She just dropped her own kid.

Warlock: Wowwwww that was intense.

*Mark narrates a voiceover saying Henry is gone and everyone is safe. He wonders if Susan would do it over, would she have made the same choice. He says he’ll never ask, end credits*

Warlock: Good luck explaining this one.

Neyz: That’s fucked up.

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I’m gonna puke. I don’t even have a number right now. That was such a mind fuck.

The Warlock: This movie was all kinds of fucked up but I’ll give it a 7.

Final Grade – 7 out of 10.

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was pretty damn good. Culkin KILLED IT as a heel and because it was him, this made for an interesting battle of good vs evil. All in all its definitely worth a watch if you want to see Culkin as the villain.

Neyz: No, I can’t handle it.

Warlock: Well that wraps up another crap…goodtastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

91. End of Days (1999)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black wife-beater, gargoyle shades, white sneakers and blue jeans. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter the lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire down the street from his palm and walks inside*

Warlock: Like I said during the last movie, we’re doing GOOD movies for a bit.

*Mr. America is in the recliner with his arms folded. He’s wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: A likely story. I’ll believe  it when I see it.

Warlock: Well you better believe it because tonight’s movie is End of Days?

America: Woah, wait? The Governor Arnold movie?

Warlock: Yeah.

America: I heard that was REALLY good.

Warlock: I told you we were doing good ones.

America: Ok I’m convinced.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch as America sits back in the recliner*

Warlock: Let’s get started with End of Days.

Written by Andrew W Marlowe

Directed by Peter Hyams

Cast:

Arnold Schwarzenegger	…	Jericho
	Gabriel Byrne	…	The Man
	Robin Tunney	…	Christine
	Kevin Pollak	…	Chicago
	CCH Pounder	…	Detective Marge Francis
	Derrick O’Connor	…	Thomas Aquinas
	David Weisenberg	…	OB-GYN
	Rainer Judd	…	Christine’s Mother
	Miriam Margolyes	…	Mabel
	Udo Kier	…	Head Priest
	Luciano Miele	…	Pope’s Advisor
	Michael O’Hagan	…	Cardinal
	Mark Margolis	…	Pope
	Jack Shearer	…	Kellogg
	Rod Steiger	…	Father Kovak
	Eve Sigall	…	Old Woman
	Victor Varnado	…	Albino
	Robert Lesser	…	Carson
	Lloyd Garroway	…	Utility Worker #1
	Gary Anthony Williams	…	Utility Worker #2
	John Nielsen	…	Hospital Cop (as John Nielson)
	Jonny Bogris	…	Skateboarder (as Yannis Bogris)
	Elliot Goldwag	…	Thomas’ Doctor
	Elaine Corral Kendall	…	Anchor
	Denice D. Lewis	…	Emily
	Renee Olstead	…	Amy (as Rebecca Renee Olstead)
	Mo Gallini	…	Monk #1 / Intruder (as Matt Gallini)
	Marc Lawrence	…	Old Man
	Van Quattro	…	Satan Priest
	Charles A. Tamburro	…	Helicopter Pilot
	Lynn Marie Sager	…	Head Priest Wife
	Linda Pine	…	Head Priest Daughter
	David Franco	…	Assistant Priest
	Steve Kramer	…	Businessman (as Steven Kramer)
	Melissa Mascara	…	Businessman’s Wife
	John Timothy Botka	…	Cop at Thomas’
	Walter von Huene	…	Motorman
	Michael Rocha	…	Priest (as Father Michael Rocha)
Rest of cast listed alphabetically:
	Sam Arnold	…	Parishioner (Sam) (uncredited)
	Tom Bysiek	…	Priest (uncredited)
	Rebeca Cristian	…	Churchgoer (uncredited)
	Sebastian Feldman	…	Street Mob (uncredited)
	Mark J. Ferreri	…	Anesthesiologist (uncredited)
	Janis Jones	…	Taxi Driver (uncredited)
	Ariane Von Kamp	…	Satanist (uncredited)
	Kassandra Kay	…	Nun (uncredited)
	George Meyers	…	Vatican Knight (uncredited)
	Terry Ostovich	…	Harlem Twelve Thug (uncredited)
	Frankie Ray	…	Squatter (uncredited)
	Paul Schackman	…	Radio DJ (uncredited)
	Sven-Ole Thorsen	…	Thug (uncredited)

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “At the end of the century, Satan visits New York in search of a bride. It’s up to an ex-cop who now runs an elite security outfit to stop him.”

America: That’s going to be one hell of a marriage.

Warlock: I see what you did there.

America: I’m not finished. There’s more.

Warlock: Oh there’s more!

America: If I was hiring Arnold’s private security company, I’d get that shit insured. He has a pension for Collateral Damage.

Warlock: 2 for 2

*opening credits involve fire*

Warlock: Got a marshmallow?

America: That’s shoddy craftsmanship. See how fast the rosary beads broke?

Warlock: Must be from Acme.

*Graphic reads Vatican City, 1979*

Warlock: Great year for disco.

*Priests confer about the spawn of Satan being born. Tomaso (Derrick O’Connor) is sent by the Cardinal (Michael O’Hagan) to find the girl bearing the child in New York. The baby girl is born*

Warlock: Mazeltov! Have a cigar!

America: No thanks.

*Baby is carried down to the basement where Dr. Abel (Udo Kier) conducts a Satantic ritual including a killing of a snake*

Warlock: Don’t show Neyz that.

*The baby is brought back to the mother, the baby is named Christine (Robin Tunney)*

America: Oh yeah, no change here….

*Graphic reads December 28, 1999. Radio host says 3 nights left until the Y2K disaster*

Warlock: I remember that. People actually thought the world was ending.

*A huge gas mane leak has a CGI devil bat flying out of the sewer*

Warlock: Invading on the ninja turtles turf.

*The Man (Gabriel Byrne) is on a date. He heads to the bathroom where the cgi bat stops next to him before possessing him. The cgi bat is actually Satan. Satan walks out and french kisses a woman in front of everyone*

America: Alright.

*Satan walks out of the restaurant and it explodes*

America and Warlock: WOAHH!!!!

Warlock: Did not see that one coming

*Jericho Cane (Arnold Schwarzenegger) loads up a pistol and points it at his head*

Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!

*Jericho pulls the trigger*

America: THE END!

*Bobby Chicago (Kevin Pollak) barges into Jericho’s apartment and tells him to get ready. They’re protecting a wallstreet scumbag*

Warlock: If only Mr. Wallstreet was here.

*Jericho mixes pepto bismol, a piece of toast from the floor and something else in a blender and drinks it*

America: I question your dietary habits.

*Jericho and his crew arrive to escort Satan as an assassin tries to take him out. Jericho is shot as the limousine drives off and shooter gets away. Bobby checks on Jericho who is wearing a bulletproof vest. They get up and head for the roof using a Bell 412 chopper*

America: Pretty good helicopter.

*The assassin fires at the copter and riddles it with bullets but miss Bobby and Jericho by a mile. Jericho fires back with a pistol and misses*

Warlock: Terrible aim.

*Jericho is lowered by harness as the shooter tries to jump off the roof, Jericho catches him in time. The guy pulls a gun and the harness lowers enough where the assassin is dropped onto the street. He gets up and runs off, Jericho in hot pursuit. Eventually the assassin is revealed to be Tomas. He goes to shoot Jericho but Jericho takes him down with shots to the leg. Cane checks him and finds him wearing a collar. Bobby arrives soon after*

Warlock: Little late to the party

*Jericho says he wants to check him for stuff first before the cops arrive, why make it easier for them?*

Warlock: Good point

America: The method of apprehension involved a helicopter, I’m happy.

*Tomas is hauled off on a gurney*

America: You know, him getting shot in the leg is a real career killer.

Warlock: How?

America: He’s going to have a hell of a time making his way to the pulpit let alone climbing up it.

*Detective Francis (CCH Pounder) asks if Jericho has been drinking. She says that Tomas has no tongue so it was impossible for him to speak. Jericho freaks out*

Warlock: We just imagined the whole thing.

*Bobby and Jericho get a tip from a bartender of where Tomas was hiding. They find his lair. Jericho reads a scripture written in blood on the wall. Jericho finds the tongue and the tool used to cut it out. Bobby opens the fridge and a black cat runs out, freaking him out*

Warlock: Its the smittens!

*Bobby opens a jar and finds a picture of Christine, grown. Neither of them know who she is*

America: They’ll find out eventually

*Christine visits her parents graves while Jericho says “This man is no ordinary hitman”

America: HA!

*Detective Francis barges in and a shootout almost occurs. Tomas is really named Thomas Aquinas. She gives his background as a vatican ordained priest. She says the wall street banker disappeared too. Jericho asks why he’s shooting at him*

Warlock: What a mystery.

*Christine is stalked on a train by the Bum who says “He’s gonna fuck you Christine* before turning to glass and shattering*

America: Not a very good job of warning her.

*Back home, Jericho strips down and groans as the bullets that hit the vest leaves a bruise. He pulls out a bible and a music box. He plays the music box*

America: Are we gonna go down memory lane?

Warlock: Pack a lunch.

*Jericho finds the passage where “A thousand years have ended, Satan will be released from his prison”

Warlock: He found a clue.

*Christine runs upstairs at her mansion and calls Dr. Abel. He calms her down about the daydream she had. Mabel (Miriam Margolyes) the nurse from the beginning calms her down as well*

Warlock: Ruh roh

*Jericho investigates a nearby church. He asks the Father Kovak (Rod Steiger) why Tomas would shoot at him. Kovak asks him why he doesn’t believe in God. Jericho “We had a difference in opinion. I felt my wife and daughter should live, he felt otherwise”

Warlock: Powerful.

*Kovak dismisses him but Jericho follows him to a basement where an exorcism is taking place. Jericho finally leaves*

Warlock: The accountant just looks at him.

*Satan wanders around NYC until Dr. Abel and his family has dinner. The doorbell rings and its Satan. Abel says the girl is safe and everything is going as planned. Satan walks in and has a daydream of him fucking the mother and daughter together*

America: What..the….helll….

*Christine wakes up from a bad dream as Mabel runs in and tells her everything is ok*

America: You’re right, she’s insidious.

*Satan visits a hospital and the officer stops him. Satan says he can smell the young boys he’s molested. The officer is stunned and lets him in. Satan walks in on Tomas and starts grilling him. Bobby, Francis and Jericho walk in and find Tomas crucified to the ceiling, dead*

Warlock: So much for him.

*Saran stops a kid on a skateboard and says “Nice shirt.” The kid says screw you and Satan makes sure the kid gets hit by a bus. “Nice shirt”

America: Called that one.

*Abel leads Satan to a private room as Tomas body has cuts all over him. Satan wrote the scripture on his body. Suddenly Tomas springs to life and the officer shoots him in the head. Bobby “Well I’m never sleeping again”

Warlock: Me neither

*Jericho figures out it wasn’t Christ In New York written, but Christine York. They find her address. Meanwhile she’s working out a treadmill*

Warlock: Hello!

*Christine takes her shirt off*

Warlock: Yes!

*Scene cuts away before we can see her chest*

Warlock: No!

*Christine finds her butler Carson (Robert Lesser) dead in the bathtub and screams. Cultists run after her. A chase scene envelops but they nab her in the closet and pin her to the bed. The leader goes to stab her in the chest as Bobby and Jericho run up to the scene. The cultists are actually soliders of God. Bobby and Jericho fight them as Christine manages to escape. Jericho kills one of them. America points out an inconsistency and gets mad. Meanwhile Jericho tackles tje leader and chases him out a window. He tells Bobby to call the police and ambulance. Francis shows up and the police investigate. He finds a music box similar to the one his daughter had*

America: Don’t do it! It’ll bring up memories.

*Christine and Jericho share bonding moments. Mabel runs in and consoles her. Jericho swipes a book and leaves. Bobby gives him shit for it*

Warlock: Hahaha

*Abel is on the phone with Mabel. She says she can’t follow them or she may lead them to the temple. Abel tells Satan she can’t follow and he punches Abel straight through the head. He says he’ll have to go after her himself. Meanwhile Christine lets Jericho in as Mabel protests. Satan sneaks up on Bobby’s van*

America: Uh oh.

*Jericho reveals he’s an ex-cop. The amulet he stole from the lead cultist is actually a symbol that they’re soldiers of God. The apple he’s holding sprouts to life and they both see it. Satan pisses on a doorstep and it begins to run into the street*

Warlock: For once a pissing scene means something.

*The piss turns to gasoline and Bobby’s van blows, taking him with it. The explosion takes out nearly the whole neighborhood. Mabel turns heel and starts pulverizing Jericho. Jericho throws her head first through a glass table.*

America: She’s taking it to Arnold better than most bad guys he faces!

Warlock: Holy shit you’re right.

*Satan walks in the fire and casually mentions Christine knows who he is. They run away. They escape down the fire escape as Satan tells Mabel that she had ONE job and kills her*

Warlock: You had….

America: ONE JOB!

*The officer and Detective Francis walk up and Jericho waves them over. They draw guns and start shooting at them. Jericho and Christine retreat behind a brick wall. Jericho “Jesus Marge, what the fuck!!!”  Marge “Its ok Jer, we just want the girl!”

Warlock: What a heel turn.

*Jericho tosses his gun and walks out. He puts his hands on his head. Marge “Just the kill, you can kill him.” Suddenly Jericho pulls an El Mariachi and whips two handguns out, shooting them both dead. Christine and Jericho run off. Satan walks up and brings Marge back to life and tells her to find Jericho*

Warlock: Wowwwwww

*Jericho freaks out and wants to know what the hell is going on. Christine says he’s been fucking her in her dreams her whole life and is afraid she’ll want him for real. They run off to find answers*

Warlock: And a cheeseburger along the way.

America: Heh.

*Jericho confronts Father Kovak who denies involvements with the Vatican Knights. Kovak says he’s ready to know the truth. Kovak says the number of the beast is not 666 but 999, as in 1999 the year of his return. Christine shows the tattoo on her arm and Kovak says she’s the chosen one to bear Satan’s child. Kovak says by New Year’s Eve he’s supposed to fuck her, spawn a child and take over the Earth. Jericho says why doesn’t God do anything and Kovak says he’s not supposed to help. The humans can do it themselves. Kovak says Jericho can’t kill him, only a person of faith can do it. Kovak “Satan’s greatest trick was convincing the world he doesn’t exist.”

Warlock: Kevin Pollak and Gabriel Byrne both are familiar with that line.

*Satan confronts Jericho in his apartment. Satan says he wants to make him happy again. He gives him the fantasy of being reunited with his wife Emily (Denice D Lewis) and daughter Amy (Renee Olstead). Satan makes Arnold relive his past where burglars break in and execute them. Satan reveals the mobsters that ordered the hit was the culprits. Jericho says Satan is a choirboy compared to him. Satan says they’re alike. Jericho “WE’RE NOTHING ALIKE!”

Warlock: Ha!

*Satan “God is the biggest underachiever in history. He just had a good publicist*

Warlock: HA!

*Jericho tells Satan to go to hell*

America: Been there

*Satan throws Jericho out a window. He says take his hand or die. Satan leans out and Jericho grabs him and tosses him 50 feet below. Jericho tends to his wound as someone knocks on the door*

America: Called it.

*Jericho opens the door and its Bobby. He claims he’s fine and Jericho grills him. Jericho shoots him in the arm and Bobby cries out in pain. Jericho says he’s bleeding, he must be ok. He tells Bobby to meet him at St John’s Church in one hour.Meanwhile the Vatican Knights show up and go to kill Christine. Kovak protests the murder. Jericho makes the save and shoots the Priest in the hand. The priest is saying that her death will saved mankind. Jericho orders Christine to be let go. Suddenly the whole building rumbles. Jericho and Christine run as Satan makes his entrance. Satan kills everyone in the room. A group of thugs jump Jericho as Bobby pulls up in a car. Christine gets in and he locks the door, driving off. Jericho fights off the thugs who attack one by one*

Warlock: Of course its one by one.

America: Chuck Norris school of bad guys.

*Jericho is eventually overpowered as Satan shows up. His minions tie Jericho up as Bobby opens the door for him. Satan gets in the car and they drive off. Jericho is raised on a makeshift cross*

Warlock: Now how is he going to get out of this one?

America: Oh he’ll do some bullshit.

*Graphic reads December 31, 1999*

Warlock: Wonderful.

*Father Kovak cuts down Jericho*

Warlock: How the hell did he live?

America: He didn’t get killed, he only got knocked out.

*Kovak’s crew nurses Jericho back to health. Jericho says its not too late and runs off*

Warlock: Knock the accountant out.

America: He didn’t say anything.

Warlock: So what?

*Jericho arms himself at his security station and finds out where Christine is being held. Jericho finds Bobby’s car as Detective Francis pulls up and heads into the abandoned movie theater. He follows her in and enters the hidden temple. He runs into a guy with his eyes sewn shut, the dude lets him pass. Jericho finds the boiler room where the ritual is being held. Satan’s priest (Van Quattro) leads the chant as Francis spots Jericho sneaking around. Satan kisses Christine as Jericho hides in the crowd. Satan says to give herself to him. Jericho shoots Francis dead and some of the cultists too. He grabs Christine and goes to leave when Satan leads Bobby over. Bobby reveals that he sold his soul to live*

Warlock: You called that one.

*Bobby goes to shoot Jericho but begins to have second thoughts*

America: Is he gonna turn the gun on himself?

*Bobby puts the gun down. Satan sets him on fire*

Warlock: No,worse.

*Jericho’s missle launcher blows up the whole building as he and Christine make a run for the exit. They run out onto train tracks as a train approaches and they duck down to avoid being hit*

Warlock: Oh yeah I believe that.

America: Wouldn’t they be electrocuted?

Warlock: Duh.

*Jericho teaches Christine how to shoot a gun and she shoots a satanist. Jericho “Yeah, like that”

America: Heh.

*The train runs over Satan as he pops up from the ground. Satan kills the train conductor*

Warlock: All they have to do is survive until midnight right?

America: I suppose.

*Jericho separates the train cars and jumps aboard the runaway. He fires another rocket that takes out Satan and the other traincar. They crash into the wreckage but are perfectly fine*

Warlock: Sure.

*The cgi bat leaves the body as a graphic reads 11:51 PM*

Warlock: They got 10 minutes.

*Christine and Jericho seek refuge in a nearby church. Jericho shoots his gun and everyone scatters. He looks at the biblical figures and statues in the church and drops the gun*

Warlock: Huh?

America: He’s having an epiphany.

*Jericho begs god for forgiveness and strength. The whole church shakes as the place catches fire. An unseen destructo totally wrecks the place. A CGI Demon appears and snarls at Jericho. It possesses him and flings him across the room*

Warlock: Ok this is kind of silly.

*Graphic reads 11:57 PM*

Warlock: 3 minutes to go, can they make it?

*Jericho calls out for Christine. He says they won. He turns heel and grabs her by the hand, leading her to the pulpit. He places her on it and strips her down*

Warlock: Can he hold off in time?

*Jericho fights himself long enough for her to run. He jumps and impales himself on a nearby sword. Satan leaves his body as the countdown ends….happy new year. Satan has lost*

America: Gonna have to wait another thousand years.

*Jericho sees his family, smiles and dies*

Warlock: *fake dies* ehhhhhh

America: I don’t trust this one, he may come back.

*Christine takes Jericho’s hand and thanks him*

America: Maybe you’re right.

*End credits*

Warlock: Wow, when was the last time he bought it, Terminator?

America: I think so.

Mr. America’s Assessment: 6.5 out of 10

Warlock’s Assessment: 7 out of 10. I thought it was decent. Not too many holes although the CGI was off-putting.

Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very Good

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Told you I’d deliver a good movie and I didn’t lie.

America: Yeah, its another miracle.

Warlock: All in all the movie had its moments and it was certainly watchable from beginning to end. It had plot twists, action and a cool storyline.

America: You got lucky.

Warlock: Well that wraps up another non-craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.