207. Jungleground (1995)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, PUPPET MASTER VS DEMONIC TOYS t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and walks into the lair*

Warlock: With the Royal Rumble last Sunday, it gave me an idea for a special IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE.

*Mr. America is sitting in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: What does Youtube have to do with the Royal Rumble.

Warlock: Tonight’s movie stars Rowdyyyyyyy, Roddyyyyy, Piperrrrrrr!!!

America: Oh, that’s much better.

Warlock: Tonight’s tale is Jungleground, the 1995 action flick starring Roddy Piper as an undercover cop who’s cover gets blown to smithereens and must fight his way out of a trap.

America: Sounds straightforward.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get right to it, Jungleground.

 

Directed by Don Allan

Written by Michael Stokes

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Roddy Piper portrays a police Lt. working undercover in the so-called Jungleground. His sting operation goes bad and as a result he is caught. Odin, his captor and would be drug lord decide to play a game with Roddy. Roddy is given until morning to make it out of the Jungleground alive”

America: What? So it sounds like this guy had him to start. That’s your own damn fault for letting him live and giving him a chance. I don’t care who the bad guy is, he deserves to die for that stupidity.

Warlock: Movie hasn’t started yet and you’re already irate.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: I don’t hear bagpipes

America: What the…..ughhhhh

 

*Movie begins at a pizza shop. The workers load cocaine bags into the pizza sack. Niko (Rob Stefaniuk) has to drive Ponytail dude to the dropoff point. Niko wants a gun if they’re going into Jungleground. Ponytail scoffs at him. Niko doesn’t like it and Ponytail tells him to lighten up*

Warlock: Its like delivering pizza in Escape From New York.

 

*Rollerblading kid rolls by and Niko tells Ponytail to relax. Ponytail says its a war zone. He tells Niko to deliver the shit and go. Niko hits the doornob and the whole complex blows. Rollerblader rides up, now named Gameshow (Joel Gordon), kills Ponytail and says Dragon (Peter Williams) warned them. “Thanks for playing” as he blows the van with a molotov cocktail*

Warlock: Even the drug dealers are hated.

 

*Lt Jake Cornell (Roddy Piper) tells himself not to blow it*

Warlock: He kinds looks like Rowdy Roddy Piper, ever notice that?

America: Oyyyy.

 

*Sammy (Torri Higginson) tells Jake that Caitlin (Nicole De Boer) is setting up an art gallery. After a little romance two bikers walk into a convenience store. The clerk (Poi Wong) gets wise and a guy (Tommy Chang) comes out the back,starts throwing kicks at Thor (Jeff Wood). Thor gets the upper hand and throws the dude out the door. The leader is Diesel (Christopher Kennedy) and makes the clerk open the safe where there are about 15 keys of coke inside*

Warlock: Who needs money these days?

 

*Jake in coat and tie wanders around the exhibit. Caitlin says Jake must be getting serious with Sammy. Sammy is talking to Louis Brising (Earl Pastko). Caitlin and Jake walk up. Louis condescends Jake on purpose and Jake counters with his own barb about Louis not being toilet trained. Louis thanks her and leaves. On the roof Jake thinks she’s gonna yell at him but instead she yells about Louis being a prick instead.  She says she’s gonna make something of herself as Jake pulls out an engagement ring box. Before he pops the question, Caitlin runs up and says Jake has a call from Robert Nielson (Nicholas Campbell)*

Warlock: Art gallery people suck.

 

*Jake says Robert is a sleaze in the government task force. Jake kisses Sammy and says he loves her. He puts the box away and walks away*

Warlock: He’s walking with a limp, his hip was never the same after the surgery.

 

*Jake meets Robert and Robert hands him a case file. Mob boss has been getting hit left and right by Odin (JR Bourne) and the Ragnarockers. Jake says they’re trying to clean up their own streets. Robert says Odin wants to corner the drug market for themselves. Robert drives Jake to Jungleground. Jake has two team members, Blackjack (Damon D’Oliverira) and Whitney (Anne Marie Loder-DeLuise)*

Warlock: She married Peter DeLuise. Ha, married a fake undercover cop and now is playing one.

 

*Whitney and Blackjack says they’re posing as druglords to get inside with Ferret (Jason Blicker) and Dragon. The four of them are going in*

Warlock: Why do I have a feeling 3 of them aren’t getting out alive?

 

*Dragon tells Gameshow to get in and get out, apparently Gameshow is his little brother. Meanwhile Jake’s team has the bus depot staked out. Whitney and Blackjack get surrounded by Dragon’s men. Pretty Boy (Robin Dunne) hits on Whitney. Blackjack wants to make a drug deal. Dragon throws the coke down and says no one sells on his turf. Blackjack says to get out of there. Pretty Boy gooses Whitney and he punches him down*

Warlock: Nice shot.

 

*Pretty Boy pulls a gun and Robert shoots him dead. Gameshow unloads with a machine gun and Robert is tagged.  Whitney jumps behind a bar as Dragon’s men start hightailing it. Blackjack dives through a window. Dragon and Gameshow make it out of there as Ferret unloads with a machine gun.  Blackjack and a gang member take each other out. Ferret finally kills Whitney as Jake runs out of there and gets hit by a bus. Ferret shoots at him but misses by a mile*

America: One of the worst shots out there.

 

*Gameshow and Dragon formulate a plan as Jake runs away*

Warlock: Now we get to play Escape From New York.

 

*Jake gets surrounded by Diesel’s gang. They take him hostage. Diesel says Dragon is gonna lose his colors for this. Now Jake is all chained up. Odin taunts him and gives orders to Dragon. Jake says “You walk his dog too?” Odin says you won’t get any sympathy from Dragon because a crooked cop was supplying Dragon’s sister with heroin and she died of an OD*

Warlock: Possible face turn, maybe.

 

*Odin says he’s gonna show Jake something that no one from the city ever sees*

America: Awwww so considerate.

 

*Odin shows Jake the village of Jungleground. Various rejects, weirdos, goons and jagoffs mill around. Odin says Ragnarok is the viking word for Apocalypse. Odin gets on the intercom and says some of their friends are dead and Jake is responsible. Odin gives the order to serve “justice” as a car smashes through a window and pulls into the crowd. They tie spikes to the car. Odin then has Ferret tossed 30 feet below on it, killing him. Odin says that’s a reminder not to talk to outsiders. Captain Purdy (Victoria Snow) gets the scoop from Ivan  (David Gow) about the shooting and that Jake was taken hostage*

Warlock: So much for ferret face.

 

*Odin calls up Sammy and hangs up without answering. Louis then walks up and hits on her*

Warlock: I doubt he’s in on it.

 

*Dragon protests Odin letting Jake live, saying if he gets away, they’re all fucked. Odin says everything its a game. Odin says to Dragon to take Shades (Naomi Gaskin), Loki (Rogue Johnston), Thor, Spider (Lexa Doig) and Gameshow. Dragon says he doesn’t want to risk his little brother and would rather take VP (Ernie Grunwald). VP says if he goes, that would jeopardize the whole operation. Odin says sure, VP goes. Diesel protests since he caught Jake. Odin says fine, Diesel goes too*

Warlock: Alright, 7 against 1.

 

*Louis tries to force himself on Sammy as a set of twins (Rafael and Yan Feldman) shoot Louis dead. Odin then tells Jake that the twins are keeping Sammy company as insurance*

Warlock: Odin looks like Christian Cage circa 2005 only this was 10 years before.

 

*Jake tries to cater to Dragon but Odin cuts him off. Jake is led away with people throwing garbage at him. Shades flicks a cigarette and it lights a gas trail. A car is blown as Jake gets a headstart. Dragon says they’ll search in teams so Jake doesn’t pick them off one by one*

Warlock: Wow, logic.

America: There’s something you don’t see too often.

 

*Jake spots Diesel, Thor and Loki headed his way. Thor and Loki spot Jake on the roof of a building and make their way up there. Dragon’s team shows up as Loki says Thor’s got him on the roof. They all make their way up there as Jake knocks out Thor. He searches him for a gun but takes his clothes instead*

Warlock: At least he’s not wearing pink, floppy boxers.

 

*Dragon finds Thor stripped to his boxers. Dragon scoffs at Diesel as Gameshow shows up unannounced. Jake puts on the gang colors nearby as we cut briefly to Purdy and Ivan leaving the crime scene*

Warlock: What’s the purpose of that?

 

*Jake runs after the police cruisers but they drive off. Jungleground citizens including Posie (Rachel Wilson) taunt Jake. Diesel’s team shows up and Jake says “Ain’t life fucking grand” and runs for it*

Warlock: Oh boy, we get to play cat and mouse for another 45 minutes.

 

*Jake runs into a warehouse where Diesel’s team splits up*

Warlock: Oh, they split up.

America: Ughhhhhhhhh

 

*Spider scares Diesel and he calls her a stupid bitch. VP and Loki surround a bus. Jake cleans out VP with a fire extinguisher*

America: What did you think would happen when you gave your position away?

 

*Jake has VP cornered and finds a key of coke on him. “Ohhh, Blackie had you pegged.” Jake ties up VP and leaves him for the others. Dragon says to kill VP since he talked. Diesel says they can’t do that since its Odin’s right hand man. Dragon says do it anyway and Loki shoots VP dead*

Warlock: You know how your pet peeve is splitting up?”

America: Yeah, its a recipe for suicide.

Warlock: Mine is “take out your own guy”, its a recipe for the good guy don’t have to do shit.

 

*Gameshow rides up on Jake and shoots at him while taunting him with game show cliches*

America: His aim sucks.

 

*Jake makes it up the stairs*

Warlock: Well he can’t follow him up the stairs on roller blades.

 

*Jake jumps down to ground level*

Warlock: Idiot.

 

*Gameshow is crushed by a falling refrigerator. Dragon rushes to his aid but Gameshow shoots himself so he won’t die like this*

Warlock: Possible face turn….

 

*Sammy sets up a trap in the bathroom to electrocute one of the twins who stares at the wire*

America: This moron is staring at the wire and realizes what’s in front of him and STILL puts his hand on the metal window.

 

*Sammy climbs the fire escape as the second twin screams*

Warlock: That’s really not going to help.

 

*The second twin pulls out a gun and recaptures Sammy. Meanwhile Posie says she’s there to help and Jake goes along with it*

Warlock: Why would he ever trust her. For all he knows that could be Odin’s sister, cousin or girlfriend.

 

*Posie brings Jake to a hotel room, the clerk calls up Odin. Odin’s car pulls up to Diesel’s crew. Cowboy (Dayo Ade) is in the back. Diesel squeals that Dragon had VP killed and Gameshow is dead too. Dragon pulls a gun on Odin and says they had a pact. Dragon pulls the key of coke and figures out Odin used them to kill the competition. Odin caters to Dragon that they’re family*

Warlock: Don’t listen, shoot him! End this movie early.

 

*Dragon puts the gun down and Odin hugs him. Meanwhile Posie says her pimp’s name is Roach (Drew Lynn) and Jake says “He sounds like a prince of a guy”

Warlock: Hahahaha.

 

*Posie says Jake is a bad guy down there. Odin and his crew shows up to the hotel and all pull out. Odin asks Roach if Jake is alone and he says “who cares man?”

Warlock: He looks like Sleazy P Martini the GWAR manager.

 

*Jake punches a hole through a mirror and uses a huge shard as a knife. Pose says Round Ruby has a gun. They go up and get it for her while she’s with a client. Jake loads the gun and they run downstairs right into an ambush, Cowboy opens fire as Jake runs back upstairs*

Warlock: They’re a little early for this.

 

*Odin’s crew split up again as Jake pries the elevator doors open. He sends Posie down the shaft as Cowboy shoots at her. He misses, Jake slides down the shaft and shoots Cowboy dead “Hiyo silver”

Warlock: Heh

 

*In the bowels of the building Jake regroups with Posie. They make it through an underground exit to get back on the streets.  Jake has a one on fight with Loki and steals his car. Posie hotwires it. Jake “Does everybody in this town know how to do this but me?” Jake says lets get out of here and we cut to the Twins. The second twin has gone insane and starts whispering to the dead one*

Warlock: I think he’s lost it folks.

 

*Twin 2 has Sammy tied up and goes to suffocate her with duct tape. Meanwhile Odin’s men have killed Roach and take off in hot pursuit of Jake and Posie. A whole gaggle of gangsters have the bridge leading out of Jungleground surrounded*

Warlock: How they gonna pull this off?

 

*Posie says they know she helped her so if she goes back, she’s dead. Jake says across the bridge is HIS turf and he’ll get her someplace safe if they make it across. Odin and his crew make it to the bridge. Odin waits for Jake to show*

Warlock: Thee’ 23 minutes left, this can’t be the finish.

 

*Posie does a donut to draw everyone’s fire long enough for Jake to sneak across the bridge, wiping out one goon after another. A guy kamikazes himself but misses Jake completely*

Warlock: Hahahaha what the fuck?

 

*Jake fights Big Boy (Craig Mally) and backdrops him over the car. Kamikaze guy makes weird noises and Jake punches him out with one punch. Jake starts a car and drives off as Posie runs for it. Jake rides up and Posie gets in. They gun it for the bridge with Odin’s crew shooting at them*

Warlock: Little early for them to escape.

 

*Jake wipes out one of the cars with men in it. They get to the bridge and two guys propel down with machine guns. Jake takes them out but he flips the car*

Warlock: That didn’t work.

 

*Jake grabs Posie and they run for it. Jake screams as Odin crashes through the car. Dragon is out cold in the driver’s seat. Odin crawls out as Jake grabs him and places him under arrest. Odin admits Dragon took Jungleground back but Odin was supplied by the mob boss all along. Odin’s men run up and start blasting. Jake makes it across the bridge as Odin runs back to his men. He tells Diesel that he’s warchief now. Posie is hit in the stomach and Jake drags her to a construction site. He commandeers a truck to go back to Sammy. Diesel can’t follow Jake because the bridge is blown by the exploding car. Odin screams “Noooooooooooooo”*

Warlock: Is Dragon dead or what?

 

*Back at Sammy’s, Twin 2 spots Jake coming. He hides behind the elevator with a gun and shots at it….nobody there. He kicks open a door and Jake shoots him dead. Jake finds Sammy and unties her. Dragon then walks in*

Warlock: How the fuck did he get here?

 

*Dragon “You thought you left me for dead on the bridge, well here I am. I’ve come to get the motherfucker responsible for my brother’s death…..is he coming?”

Warlock: I knew it.

 

*Dragon says he heard Odin squealing on the bridge and said he wanted to kill him there but couldn’t find his gun. Odin’s men attack Sammy’s penthouse but Dragon and Jake fight them off. Diesel, Thor, Loki, Odin, Lazarus (Christopher Lee Clements) have Jake surrounded on the roof. Jake says he made it home at dawn, he wins. Odin says he lied about letting him go.  Dragon wipes out Lazerus and Thor with a machine gun until attacked by Diesel. Jake clotheslines Odin. We get dueling one on ones with Diesel/Dragon and Odin/Jake. Sammy runs up and she and Loki shoot at each other*

America: Dude, you have horible cover. You’re hiding behind nitrogen tanks.

 

*Dragon hangs and electrocutes Diesel at the same time*

Warlock: How’s it hanging Sparky?

 

*Jake grabs Odin by the nuts and throws him 30 feet below through a glass window. Sammy finally hits the tanks and blows Loki away. Jake runs down with Dragon where Odin is laying. Odin pleads with Jake as Jake takes his engagement ring back. Jake goes to kill Odin but makes Dragon give the order. Dragon says let him live a straw life. Jake backs off and Dragon says “Thank for playing.” Jake walks off and Odin taunts him. Next day the olice show up. Purdy says Posie made it out of surgery ok. Jake tells the cops to let Dragon go. He says he’ll be seeing him, Jake says “You can count on it.” Sammy asks Jake why he’s going back to Jungleground and he gives a speech about change and how it can be better. They kiss and he opens the ring box. He hides it from her as we fade to black. End credits*

Warlock: We made it!

 

Mr. America’s Assessment:  I give it a 4.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6. I would have rated it higher but it was a clear knockoff of Escape From New York. The gang taking over the town element plus the “Duke” in Odin. Yeah, been there done that. Still it was fun to watch Roddy Piper kick ass so this makes it enjoyable to watch. Not great, but it’ll do.

Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: I liked it but it does have its flaws. Too many characters without development and the floor is full of holes. Its worth a look to see the late, great Roddy Piper. The walls are a little bit blue right now, I dont know why, they’re supposed to be white.

America: What the hell are you talking about?

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

206. Kingdom of The Spiders (1977)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, TOP GUN t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a diamond-studded goblet of pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and walks inside the lair*

Warlock: Tonight we’re doing another IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE and…once again….I’m flying solo.

*camera pans to empty recliner and couch*

Warlock: Although this time, it wasn’t by design. Mr. America couldn’t join me due to emergency circumstances, I couldn’t get ahold of Thug D and Neyzor Blades is sick. Plus she would refuse to watch this with me. Why? We’re doing KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS!

*The house rumbles*

Warlock: Sorry about that. Neyzor Blades refuses to do anything with spiders in it so even if she wasn’t sick, she wouldn’t be here. So what’s this movie about? William Shatner fights spiders, that’s all I know. Yes, this was two years before Star Trek was about to make the big comeback with full length movies so William had to keep himself busy.

*Warlock takes his seat in the recliner*

Warlock: So let’s get this party started with Kingdom of The Spiders.

 

Directed by John Cardos

Written by Jeffrey M Sneller, Stephen Lodge, Alan Caillou, Richard Robinson

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Investigating the mysterious deaths of a number of farm animals, vet Rack Hansen discovers that his town lies in the path of hoards of migrating tarantulas.”

Warlock: Tarantulas? That makes no sense, they’re docile.

 

*Peaceful Verde Valley by Dorsey Burnette plays over the opening credits with views of the Arizona desert*

Warlock: Kind of sounds like Frank Zappa and Willie Nelson mixed together.

 

*Walter Colby (Woody Strode) and Birch Colby Altovise Davis) look out over their farm. Cow eats in the pasture as creepy music plays*

Warlock: The cow knows something’s up. He’s probably a secret agent in disguise.

 

*Something attacks the cow as it moo’s. Meanwhile Rack Hansen (William Shatner) and Terry Hansen (Marcy Lafferty) lasso a bull. Rack administers medicine to it*

Warlock: So he’s a vet, gotta love it. By the way, that’s his real life wife at the time.

 

*Terry says “That was adequate” Rack pretends to talk like a cow to taunt her. He then lassos her to the ground*

Warlock: Hogtie her and throw her over the horse, ride back into town like that.

 

*Terry says “Damn you John” and Rack shoves her down, pissed off. Rack “I may be a lot of things to a lot of people, but I’m not my brother.”

Warlock: Uh oh….something is afoot.

 

*Rack gets a beeper with a computer voice that says Walter Colby called*

Warlock: “Kirk here, on my way.,….wait…shit…wrong line.”

 

*Rack “John isn’t around anymore, maybe its time to get usedto it.” He rides off and leaves Terry there. Rack then meets with Walter about a sick calf. Rack checks the cow as Walter asks what he thinks.

Warlock: “Dammit Walter I’m a doctor not a….wait….dammit”

 

*Walter runs tests on the cow with creepy music. He calls Mildred (Bettie Bolling) and tells her to tell Flagstead he’s on his way. He tells Walter the calf is dead. Walter “Aint that a crock, 2 years of breeding gone to hell”

Warlock: God damn varmints!

 

*Walter asks if it was the black leg, Rack doesn’t know. Walter asks if he’ll be quarantined, Rack hopes not. Next frame is Rack traveling to Flagstead in a truck*

Warlock: Nice 70’s spy show music.

 

*Walter lets his dog outside and is pissed off about the calf. Meanwhile the dog starts whining and runs off*

Warlock: Dog senses something too.

 

*Earl Forbes (Hoke Howell) tells Clyde (Bill Foster) he’s got a flat tire and needs a new one*

Warlock: Or just pump it and plug it?? Or was that technology not available to Arizona backwoods hicks in 1977?

 

*Earl wants to sell a tire for 18 dollars. Clyde storms off*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

 

*Earl will sell him a donut for 5 dollars until he can find a new one. Clyde oulls over as Rack pulls up to pump gas and check his engine*

Warlock: A leaky donut for 5 bucks, I’ll take it.

 

*Earl “Damn spiders havin a field day in here”

Warlock: Gonna attack already?

 

*Earl finds a tarantula in the tire he plans to sell Clyde. He spits tobacco on it*

Warlock: And once again, tarntulas are docile and don’t actually attack people.

 

*The tarantula is locked in the shed by Earl as he rolls the tire out. Meanwhile Diane Ashley (Tiffany Bolling) pulls up to the station and asks Rack to fill her tank. Rack then plays Mickey the Dunce to fuck with her*

Warlock: That is actually funny.

 

*Earl walks up and Rack tells him to fill up the tank and don’t get grease on the hood. Earl asks where the lady is and Rack says in the Men’s room. At first Earl goes with it and then stops to think about it*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Diane drives to Washburn’s Lodge. Emma Washburn (Lieux Dressler) is there to greet her. Emma says the rooms are 9 bucks and night and the cabins are 11*

Warlock: Costs 110 dollars to stay at a Red Roof Inn these days, 9 dollars is a rare bargain.

 

*Emma explains that prices are up due to the county fair and Diane will take the cabin*

Warlock: 11 dollars? Let’s splurge.

 

*Diane asks for Rack and Emma says he’s 10 miles away. Meanwhile Rack calls Walter who’s still distraught. Sheriff Gene Smith (David McLean) says they may have to shut down the county fair. Mayor Connors (Mayor Connors) pulls up and says he forbids them to quarantine the Colby farm because of the importance of the country fair*

Warlock: Yeah, we got animals dropping dead of something lethal that could possibly infect humans but we gotta get that fair dad gummit!

 

*Mayor says to keep whatever’s going wrong over there under wraps. Diane pulls up and asks for Rack. Diane introduces herself and Gene introduces everyone. Rack turns on the flirty charm*

Warlock: THERE’S the Captain Kirk we all know.

 

*Diane says she’s with the doctor’s office in Tempe, Rack “Want a beer?”

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

 

*Diane has the blood samples of the calf. She says they have a serious problem. She says they won’t need a quarantine which pleases the Mayor. He leaves and Gene asks what the calf died of. Diane says the cow died of a massive amount of spider venom. Gene and Rack laugh and Rack scoffs “You want us to believe a 200 pound calf was killed by a…a spider?”

Warlock: Unless it was a swarm of black widow spiders, that doesn’t work. Tarantula’s venom is a pain in the ass but they’re not fatal to human’s or larger animals.

 

*Diane doesn’t care what Rack thinks but she wants to see the carcass and take a look at the Colby farm. Rack says the carcass is in the freezer and they can go check out the farm in the morning. He then asks if she’d like to have some dinner. Diane “I probably will…I’ll see you in the morning.”

Warlock: That was a sick burn.

 

*Diane bellies up to the bar where Emma is tending. Emma and Gene used to be an item, he used to be a ladies man. Verne (Joe Ross) and Betty (Adele Mails) Johnson are grossed out by Emma’s sex talk and she introduces them to Diane*

Warlock: Cutting edge for 1977 cable TV.

 

*Verne is from Colorado, Diane is from Nebraska*

Warlock: I don’t mind character development but can we speed it up please?

 

*Verne apparently invented portopotties and he offers to buy Diane a drink. She leaves*

Warlock: Ok, can we get some scary scenes now?

 

*Diane disrobes to creepy music*

Warlock: Woah, I thought made for TV movies were censored? You can totally see her titties. This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*As Diane prepares for a shower, a tarantula crawls into her desk. She combs her hair and opens the desk to see a tarantula. Rather than get scared, she treats it like a pet. She pets it and takes it outside where it crawls away*

Warlock: See what I mean? They’re not normally aggressive. If the movie writers wanted to put them over as monsters she should have freaked out and be attacked.

 

*Walter calls out for the dog but it doesn’t come. Rack and Diane pull up to the farm. She introduces herself but Birch runs up and says the dog is dead. They all run out by the barn and find the dog’s body. Rack and Diane investigate and take samples. Diane figures out its spider venom. Walter says if they take his stock, he goes with them. Diane says the stock is fine, but there’s poisonous spiders around. Rack says that spider venom isn’t enough to kill a cat let alone a dog. Walter says he found a spider hill that morning, hundreds of them. Rack says to take a look*

Warlock: Yes, let’s progress.

 

*Diane and Rack find the hill and both are perplexed. Diane says there could be thousands in the hill. Walter gets mad and grabs a shovel*

Warlock: That’s really not going to help.

 

*Diane needs to form a plan of attack but tells Rack to keep Walter away from them. She picks up a tarantula and says there shouldn’t be that particular species around for 600 miles. Birch says she hopes the spiders don’t come in the house. Diane wants to know where the calf was attacked. Rack says he has to go see his girl and drives off, leaving Diane with the Colby’s*

Warlock: Now we’re really in trouble.

 

*Rack’s girl is actually his 7 year old niece Linda (Natasha Ryan) who greets him. She complains that her cat ran away and Rack says not to worry because he’s an outdoor car that likes to prowl around. Terry nearby makes a crack at Rack but he brushes it off. She wants to listen to a record with Rack and he says he’ll be there in a second as he pinches her ass and walks over to Terry*

Warlock: Dude, he just pinched a 7 year old’s ass. That’s pretty creepy even for 1977 standards.

 

*Terry apologizes for the other day and Rack turns on the charm. We cut to Rack following Diane down a highway, cutting her off and making her pull over. He sits on her car and she asks where his “girl” is. He says “she’s into Uncle Remus, I wasn’t.”

Warlock: Have you seeeeeeeeeeeen us, Uncle Reeeeeeeeeeemus.

 

*Rack says Diane is kind of pretty for a girl. He asks where she’s going and she says to dinner. He then picks her up, throws her in the passenger seat and climbs into the driver’s side of her car. He fires it up and speeds up*

Warlock: Yeah that’s how you impress a girl, commandeer her car without her consent and drive off with her.

 

*Rack and Diane are at an upscale restaurant. The waitress (Anita Merritt) asks what they want and Rack says two beers, Diane scoffs and asks if they have to drink them out of the can*

Warlock: Yeah, then you have a pissin contest after.

 

*Rack asks how the Colby farm went. Diane thinks he’s being a chauvenist and Rack says he back checked her and she’s the best in the field. He makes a toast to women’s lib and she asks how he got the name Rack. He says his kid brother used to hustle him at pool and started calling him Rack. Diane asks if he lives around here and he says he was killed in Nam the second day he was there. He admits that the “girl” he went to see was his niece.

Warlock: That’s pretty sad.

 

*Rack asks why spiders would suddenly turn aggressive against livestock. If they have nothing to eat, they’re cannibals and will eat each other without thinking twice*

Warlock: That’s what I would like to know.

 

*Diane says it could be because of pesticides and DDT, they’re killing off the spiders natural source of food so they’re turning to livestock for nourishment*

Warlock: Yeah, which doesn’t make the spiders the heels of the movie. Nice going.

 

*Rack asks how to get rid of them, she doesn’t answer. Instead we cut to her cabin where they look at film. She explains Mygalomorphae’s are loners and cannibals, meaning they don’t gang up like wolves or ants. In the film, the tarantulas are colonizing when they normally don’t. She pulls out a tarantula and disects it for venom. She explains animals are disappearing in the area. Rack asks about the spider hill. She says to just burn it. Rack goes to kiss her and she kisses back*

Warlock: There’s the Captain Kirk charm.

 

*The tarantula escapes the jar and Rack says they should burn the spider hill that night, why risk more colonization. They drive to the Colby farm and he’s already ready with gasoline*

Warlock: Something tells me this isn’t gonna work, we still have an hour left in the movie.

 

*Rack and Walter stop, Rack says its too quiet. Suddenly a bull bursts from the barn and knocks over the Colby’s. It falls and its covered in tarantulas*

Warlock: Was that supposed to be a jump scare?

 

*Diane and Rack check the bull, its dying and there’s nothing Rack can do. Walt says to just burn down the hill and worry about this later. Rack instructs Birch to take shelter in town and to get Walt checked out. Birch says hell no, no spiders aren’t going to drive them out*

Warlock: Heed the warning.

 

*Diane tells Rack that she’s scared, if the spiders will attack a 1,500 pound bull, what are they going to do to humans?*

Warlock: Good point.

 

*Walt sets the hill on fire and starts screaming “BURN YA SONS OF BITCHES! BURN IN HELL! GOOD RIDDANCE YOU BASTARDS, YOU’LL NEVER KILL ANY OF MY STOCK AGAIN!*

Warlock: Nice dialogue.

 

*We see various tarantulas escaping through a nearby opening. We cut to Rack bringing Diane to meet Terry and Linda. Terry cries that Rack brings Diane because she clearly wants him*

Warlock: That would be super awkward for Linda.

 

*Walt and Birch exit the clinic and Walt is driving back to the farm, says to stay here. We cut to Rack, Linda and Diane going horseback riding*

Warlock: The scenery is legitimately beautiful.

 

*Diane and Rack watch Walt drive home from atop a mountain. Walt is driving as a tarantula sneaks up on him*

Warlock: “Uh, excuse me sir, can you spare some change for like a bite to eat?”

 

*Walt turns the radio on as more tarantulas continues to crawl on Walt. He then holds his face and we cut here*

Warlock: What happened? Did he crash?

 

*Diane and Rack chill on a blanket with Linda playing nearby. Diane cracks open a cold one for Rack. we get some small talk as the two horses start getting suspicious. Something begins to crawl toward Linda*

Warlock: How come the cows, horses and other animals can sense the tarantulas coming before humans?

 

*Linda escapes before the tarantula strikes and the next frame we see is the Sheriff stopping by a roadblock. The deputy (Jay Lawrence) tells him Colby’s truck went off road. Rack pulls up and offers assistance. Gene and Rack check out the wreckage. They find Walter cocooned in the truck*

Warlock: Ohhhh, nice visual.

 

*Gene knocks on the door, Birch answers. Gene delivers the bad news and Birch cries. A tarantula watches nearby*

Warlock: “Well if that don’t beat all”

 

*Diane gets a call from Mildred, the venom they squeezed from that one tarantula is 5 times more toxic than normal. Rack gets a call from Gene, they found TWENTY more spider hills at the Colby farm*

Warlock: Well if fire doesn’t work, what about water?

 

*The Mayor wants to spray pesticides everywhere and Diane tells them that only makes it worse. Mayor refuses to take no for an answer. Diane says its a migration caused by DDT. Mayor then says what will kill them and Diane says their natural predators such as rats and birds. Mayor scoffs and tells Gene to get the strongest pesticide he can find. Gene says Mayor needs state permission for it and Rack says humans could be affected too. Mayor says they have two weeks until the county fair and to not screw it up*

Warlock: He and the mayor from Jaws can have a duel to decide who’s the bigger dumbass.

 

*The Baron (Whitey Hughes) is going to drop the pesticide by plane over the Colby farm*

Warlock: We still got a half hour left, this can’t be it.

 

*Baron draws on his own plane*

Warlock: Mr. America would like that part….or maybe not.

 

*Shot of the crop duster dumping pesticide all over town*

Warlock: Mr. America would appreciate the plane usage…..Neyz would have a fit f she saw all that pesticide being sprayed.

 

*Tarantulas are crawling all over The Baron. He starts screaming like a girl*

Warlock: He screams like a girl…that’s hilariously bad.

 

*The Baron flies erratically and Clyde notices he’s coming too close to town with all that poison. Baron then plows into the gas station*

Warlock: You guys may want to get the hell out of there with all those gas pumps.

 

*Next frame is Diane, Gene and Rack calling for help. An investigative team will be sent in a couple of days. Gene wants to know how many spiders there are. Diane says too many, humanity wouldn’t survive. Rack says to get Birch on the phone. We cut to the Colby farm with tarantula’s all over the house and Birch shooting at them with a pistol*

Warlock: Yeah, should have listened to Diane to stay in town. Now you’re screwed.

 

*Birch has a tarantula on her hand and she shoots it off*

Warlock: So rather than brush it off, you potentially blow your own hand off? What a moron!

 

*Gene wants to take a ride up there, Rack says he’s gonna pick up Terry and Linda. Linda is on the swing with dozens of tarantulas below her. Terry notices the tarantulas, screams, freaks out and runs out with a broom. She sweeps them off, grabs Linda, runs off hysterically*

Warlock: Geez, don’t panic will ya?

 

*Terry tells Linda to run inside as the tarantulas overwhelm Terry. Rack pulls up but he’s too late, she’s gone. He runs inside, gets Linda and brings her to Diane. He tells them to get in the truck and go. Diane finds tarantulas swarming the truck*

Warlock: That’s a no go….by the way now both the girl’s parents are dead.

 

*Rack tries to brush off all the spiders and then drives off. Back at the bar, Rack laments being too late to save Terry. Rack asks how Linda is, she’s in shock. Emma can’t reach anyone on the phone. Emma says Fred, The Johnson’s, Diane and herself are the only ones there. Rack says to take Fred and lock the place up. Emma wants to know what’s up. Diane says the spiders are now an aggressive army that have already killed a bunch of people. Diane asks if they have any fire extinguishers, she says yes. Diane tells her to go fetch some as Betty and and Vern Johnson run in saying they saw hundreds of spiders. Diane and Rack walk outside and they’re completely surrounded*

Warlock: One of the spiders gets on a megaphone “Alright come out with your hands up, we have you surrounded!”

 

*Rack hears a woman scream and runs off to investigate. He finds Emma in front of a shed and tells her to get in the lodge. He opens the shed and Fred is dead and cocooned*

Warlock: So much for him.

 

*Back inside the lodge Rack starts pacing around as Gene pulls up kicking at spiders as he runs inside the lodge. He reports that Birch was dead and coocooned. Gene wants to get on the horn but Mildred is also dead and cocooned*

Warlock: Jesus, the entire cast is almost gone.

 

*Emma tells Gene to take care of himself. He says “Yeah”

Warlock: Yeah…riveting.

 

*Gene leaves to go round the townspeople up. He tells Rack to take care of Emma. Diane says fire extinguishers will kill them off so arm themselves*

Warlock: Wait wait wait….they thought for sure fire would kill them and they didn’t.How the hell is she so sure fire extinguishers will do it?

 

*Gene kciks more spiders out of the way as he makes it to his cruiser. He drives off and Emma prepares a stew*

Warlock: Oh yeah, the stew is going to win best supporting actor.

 

*Emma is surrounded by tarantulas in the kitchen. She tosses the stew on some of them and shouts for Rack. Rack runs in with an extinguisher and starts unloading on them all. He then tries to plug up the hole where they’re coming from while continuously being bitten*

Warlock: Wait, if they’re 5 times as deadly, wouldn’t Shatner be dropping dead by now?

 

*Vern runs to the basement for supplies but Rack runs down and tells him to forget it, they can’t hold out there. They hear screaming and its Linda, she’s surrounded. Vern unloads with the extinguisher before handing it off to Rack as he runs with Linda to safety*

Warlock: The funny thing is the tarantulas are hit by the extinguisher and keep crawling, meaning if they’re supposed to die in the movie….they sure as hell don’t look like they are.

 

*Betty, Diane and Emma are convinced they are trapped. Rack opens the front door and a dozen tarantulas enter. The remaining survivors start stomping them all*

Warlock: And this is where people started hating the movie for real. They’re actually stomping on live tarantulas and killing them. Today this would be a big no-no but back then PETA didn’t really include arachnids.

 

*Rack looks out the window and they are completely surrounded. They start dropping down in the fireplace, scaring Betty. Rack says they need to light a fire*

Warlock: I thought fire doesn’t work….then again the extinguishers dont either.

 

*Gene pulls up to town where its bedlam and chaos with citizens running for their lives. Dead people are all over the place, cocooned*

Warlock: Well if the spiders themselves aren’t really scary, this mass hysteria sure is.

 

*Somebody plows into the water tower and it falls on Gene’s car, crushing him to death*

Warlock: Wow, this may be a no survivors movie. I’d love to see if the movie writers have the balls to pull it off.

 

*Betty asks why its so hot in there*

Warlock: Because you’re having a fire in the middle of Arizona where its probably 90 degrees out.

 

*Rack goes to investigate the air conditioning system and sure enough, a gaggle of spiders drop down on Betty. The survivors dispose of them as Rack boards it shut*

Warlock: If these guys didn’t have arachnophobia, they sure as hell do now.

 

*Rack says its 11 pm. He rings somebody but nobody answers. Rack tells Diane and Emma to get some sleep but all of a sudden the spiders are breaking through the glass windows. The entire group nails the windows shut but the tarantulas cut the power*

Warlock: 10 years before Aliens.

 

*Rack tells everyone to go to the kitchen, he’ll go to the basement alone. Rack finds a rat with tarantulas crawling on it*

Warlock: Ironic as its the rat that eats the tarantulas in real life.

 

*Rack tries to fix the fuse box but its blown and covered with spiders. A window bursts and Rack is covered in tarantulas. He flails around and crawls up the stairs*

Warlock: Same mannerisms he used in Star Trek.

 

*Diane, Betty, Vern and Emma continue to board up the place. Rack staggers up to them covered in spiders and spider bites before he falls. He passes out and the frame cuts to next morning*

Warlock: Alright, let’s see if they have the balls to go no survivor.

 

*Emma wakes up, Diane is still tending to Rack. She says she’s going to check on Linda. Emma tells a story about Gene as Rack tries to gather his bearings. Emma is convinced Gene is dead. Vern and Diane have an old style radio hooked up hoping to hear some news. Rack staggers in saying he’s going to take a look outside. Diane says don’t, he could let hundreds of them in*

Warlock: Yeah really.

 

*Emma says to try the windows instead. The radio finally gets a signal and the morning news mentions nothing about the spider infestation*

Warlock: Alright, we just imagined the whole thing!

 

*Peaceful Verde Valley plays again as Rack cracks open a board. He can’t believe his eyes so he cracks open another board.”Good god, sweet jesus.” Everyone gathers around and they’re all in shock. The entire town is cocooned including the lodge. End credits*

Warlock: That’s as good as “No survivors” so I’ll give the writers credit.

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: Bad choice for killer spiders but I’ll give it a 5.5 out of 10. The creep factor was pretty good and anyone who DOESN’T know about tarantulas should be scared.

Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10: Above Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Apart from some really stupid scenes, it wasn’t a bad movie. The budget was about a million dollars, most of which was probably spent on the tarantulas themselves. Its a shame to see so many of them killed on camera but no sense squawking about it 40 years later. Even the movie can’t get out of its own way when they admit that tarantulas are normally no threat to humans. Even if we’re supposed to suspend disbelief that these are more aggressive spiders, the scene with Diane playing nice with the tarantula killed that notion off. Apart from William Shatner, nobody in this movie was A-List so no sense complaining about the acting. The twist ending was cool for its time although I have to nitpitck. If the entire fucking town was cocooned, you’d think SOMEBODY driving by would have noticed and squealed to the news? They were better off leaving the entire lodge cocooned and the town deserted, that way nobody would have noticed 6 people trapped inside. Bottom line is its definitely worth a watch all things considering. That about wraps up another IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE, have a pleasant evening.

205. The Girl (2014)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and flame shoots out to the ground before he walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight is a special night here at the Realm. I’ll be flying solo for this one as my colleagues make preparation for the big Superbowl 51 party. Hope to god the Patriots win so I don’t have to watch A Serbian Film but no matter. Tonight I’m taking a look at a special request, not a fan request but a recommendation by the actual director of tonight’s movie.

*Warlock holds up a DVD cover*

Warlock: Tonight’s movie is The Girl. The 2014 horror movie directed by Jennifer Blanc-Biehn. For those who don’t know, that’s Michael Biehn’s wife. Her husband will be one of the main stars. What is it about? Let’s find out.

*Warlock takes his seat in the recliner*

Warlock: I could get used to this chair. Anyway, let’s start The Girl.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A kidnapped girl is rescued by a young boy, and in return is compelled to save him from the horrors that lie in his home.”

Warlock: This sounds creepy as fuck, its got my attention.

 

*Movie begins with Father (Michael Biehn) and some girl pleading to do anything so he won’t kill her. He says she’s already done everything he wanted*

Warlock: Use your imagination with that folks.

 

*Father “ARE YOU DONE BITCH? YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH! YOU WHORE! ARE YOU DONE?”

Warlock: Aw man, Biehn’s a heel?

 

*Father whacks girl in the head with a blunt object, drags her to the woods, takes a picture of her, takes her jewelry and buries her. Opening credits*

Warlock: Lovely, Kyle Reese is a a serial killer.

 

*Credits are a montage of Father killing various girls*

Warlock: Geez, save some of that for the movie.

 

*Father returns home from work with the picture in his uniform pocket and he locks his car door. His nametag reads Davis*

Warlock: Nice car actually.

 

*Davis washes his hands and looks in the mirror. He puts his hat back on, grabs the bracelet and picture before he hears the sound of a TV*

Warlock: Someone’s watching Home Shopping Network, quick, investigate!

 

*Davis enters the bedroom where Mother (Tia Carrere) is wearing crocs in bed while passed out with HSN on*

Warlock: Ha, I called it.

 

*Davis pulls out his special box of pictures out of the closet and puts this one in*

Warlock: I’d ask how she doesn’t wake up, but I just noticed the pill bottles on the nightstand.

 

*Davis puts away the box deep in the closet as Mother wakes up groggily for a brief second as Davis kisses her. He takes her crocs off and breathes heavily*

Warlock: “Christ…what a stink!”

 

*Davis is pulled over on the highway trying to fix his engine*

Warlock: “Good for nothing busted piece of junk!”

 

*Davis continues to tinker with his car while watching girls go by*

Warlock: Ohhhhh I get it.

 

*A mom (Heather DeVan) rushes to aid of her son (Cassius DeVan) who falls off his scooter*

Warlock: Heh, Jason’s wife.

 

*The Girl (Evie Thompson) is stopped by Davis who asks her for help. She says she doesn’t know anything about cars*

Warlock: Seriously guy? I know what you’re up to but most teenage girls aren’t Mona Lisa Vito.

 

*Davis says he needs to pick up her son from soccer practice. He asks if she has a cell phone. She asks if he has one and he says his battery is dead*

Warlock: A likely story.

 

*Girl hands him her phone and he says she’s a godsend. She says she doesn’t want him to get in trouble with his son and his wife. Davis “Oh, I’m not the one who’s in trouble.” He throws her phone in the trunk and gags her with a rag of chloroform*

Warlock: What the hell? He’s in broad daylight with people around? How did nobody see this?

 

*He puts her in the trunk and says “we’ll be home soon” He drives home to sappy soundtrack. Mother watches more HSN on TV where a weight loss snuggie is shown*

Warlock: What the hell is that? It looks like a oversized blanket, how is that supposed to help lose weight? And Tia Carrere is a goddess, what does she need to lose weight for?

 

*Mother shouts for Tommy (Tristian DeVan) who looks at her awkwardly as she goes nuts ordering the cocoon snuggie*

Warlock: Jesus, I can’t tell who’s more insane, Mother or Davis.

 

*Tommy tells Mother that dad is home. He ties up Girl to the shed with duct tape over her mouth. He takes the tape off and she sobs to let her go. He puts the tape back on and says to listen closely. “I don’t like messes, so if you need to shit or piss, use the bucket. You know, I don’t really think you understand. I really wish I could believe you that you’re different from all the others. I had high hopes of each and every one of them.” He then continues his monologue about all the girls he’s had being lying bitches. He asks her if she’ll behave and do everything he asks her to. She nods as Tommy watches Davis lock the shed door*

Warlock: Love how the kid is the only one who notices.

 

*Davis walks in and gets a warm greeting by Mother. Tommy looks at him in horror. Mother says she’s gonna get dinner started. Its going to be hot soup*

Warlock: Great, comes home from a hard day’s work with a brand new kidnapping victim and all he gets his a can of Progresso. No wonder why he’s nuts.

 

*Mother says he’s been busy lately. Usually on Thursday’s he comes home at 6, he asks if she’s been keeping tabs on him. She says no, that’s when her double double deal ends. Davis looks at her, scoffs and shouts for Tommy*

Warlock: “Get my belt, mommies in for a whooping”

 

*Tommy walks in and we get a back and forth montage of Girl sobbing and screaming while Davis patronizes Tommy for not eating the soup.Starving boys and girls would kill to have his soup*

Warlock: Wow, what an asshole.

 

*Tommy blows on his soup and Davis yells at him “NO, like a man!”

Warlock: Come on dude, even I can’t stand scolding hot soup….

 

*Davis warns Tommy to never, ever EVER go in his shed, he’s working on a new project.*

Warlock: Way to give away something is wrong in there.

 

*Mother says she’s bringing ice cream, Davis says he’d love some. He then opens a newspaper and says to Tommy “none for you.”

Warlock: Take away the shed gimmick, eventually this kid is gonna walk into his room with a gun and shoot him in the fucking head when he’s like 16.

 

*Tommy leaves the house and makes his way to the shed*

Warlock: Well the movie’s only 79 minutes long, can’t waste any time can we?

 

*Tommy plays outside near the shed but doesn’t go in it. Next frame is at night with a full moon*

Warlock: Awooooooooooooooooooooo

 

*Girl continues to sob as Tommy has visions of girls screaming*

Warlock: What is he, a stigmata with his father?

 

*Tommy is passed out against the window as Mother wakes him up. Tommy watches Davis enter the shed and she nags him to get ready for school*

Warlock: Poor kid.

 

*Davis brings Girl a sandwhich but gets miffed when he sees the shit bucket tipped over with shit everywhere. He says he doesn’t have time to clean it up so he sprays it with Febreeze*

Warlock: How was she able to use it anyway with her hands tied up?

 

*He retapes her mouth as Tommy investigates the shed. Davis gets in his car and drives off as Mother walks outside and brings him his lunch. He’s supposed to come straight home after school for chores and homework*

Warlock: Ever heard of friends? Then again they live in the middle of fucking nowhere it seems.

 

*Mother nods off watching HSN again in between shots of Girl sobbing*

Warlock: ALRIGHT WE GET IT! CAN WE PROGRESS THE STORY PLEASE?

 

*Girl hears Tommy outside kicking a ball and she starts kicking her feet around to get his attention. The TV goes on the fritz inside the house*

Warlock: Oh no, don’t mess with her HSN!!!

 

*Tommy “I know someone’s in there!”

Warlock: Then do something you idiot!

 

*Mother marches outside and calls for Tommy to do his homework. Tommy says he doesn’t have any*

Warlock: He didn’t even go to school…..not that she’d notice.

 

*Tommy tries to communicate with Girl from outside and Girl unintentionally takes the cable out. Tommy threatens to tell his dad and he hears a loud scream from inside. He runs inside and tells Mother someone’s in the shed but she blows him off because she has to fix the TV.  She blames Tommy for the cable and tells him not to go near the shed. Tommy “I’m sorry mommy.”

Warlock: Wow what a wuss.

 

*Tommy watches from his room as Davis goes to the shed. He nails the windows shut and Tommy watches where he puts the key. Next day Tommy runs home from school and goes to the shed*

Warlock: At least they gave him a backpack this time.

 

*Girl gets her tape off and says to help her. Tommy “I’m Tommy, who are you?” Girl “I don’t know, I’m confused.”

Warlock: What kind of dialogue is that? How does she not know her own name?

 

*Tommy can’t get inside and Girl says he’s her only hope. Tommy pushes some boards and is able to go inside. He looks around, Girl “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

Warlock: Hahahahah what the fuck?

 

*Tommy picks up knocked over stuff and Tommy offers her grapes*

Warlock: AND THEN HE WADDLED AWAYYYYYYYYYYY

 

*Tommy feeds her grapes*

Warlock: If he was 5 years older, this would be somewhat romantic.

 

*Tommy puts her tape back on and says he’ll be back that night with more stuff. He tells her not to be afraid*

Warlock: What would make this doubly sick is if he was in on it.

 

*Tommy has more night terrors and so does Girl*

Warlock: Are they ever going to explain this stigmata?

 

*Tommy sneaks out of the house while Mother and Father are asleep*

Warlock: You know, if she’s shitting and pissing in the bucket next to her, how is he not grossed out?

 

*Girl asks about Davis, Tommy says he’s asleep. He brought her fruit punch and says it stinks in here. He notices the bucket and asks if she uses that*

Warlock: Ok, at least we got THAT explained.

 

*Girl says there have been other victims and Tommy asks what happened to them.”

Warlock: The fuck would she know? You’re the one who lives there kid!

 

*Girl says its too late for her and Tommy tries to get her out of there. Girl tells him to scram before Davis gets there. He puts her tape back on and hightails it out of there. He goes back to bed as Mother wanders in and says she found his toy. She grills him about being up and then she finds his backpack right next to him*

Warlock: You could have at least put it on a doorknob.

 

*She finds her tuna casserole inside and changes from angry to happy.”If you wanted extra you could have just told me!” Tommy “You won’t tell dad?”Mother “No, it’ll be our little secret.”  Mother leaves as Girl passes out. Tommy falls asleep on a chest near the window as Mother wants some lovey dovey, Davis says “Not tonight!”

Warlock: Wowwwwwwww, you’re married to Tia Carrere and you don’t want to hit that? I know you got a hot blonde in a shed but jesus dude.

 

*More night terrors of previous victims (Raven Carrell, Grace Powell, Crystal Caitlin, Nichola Flynn) before we cut to next day. Mother asks where Tommy is going because breakfast is ready. Tommy says its Saturday and he’s not that hungry*

Warlock: This kid can’t take a piss without one or both of his parents up his ass. Like I said earlier, take away the girl in the shed element and he’s gonna take a shotgun to these two by the time he’s 16.

 

*Tommy wants his breakfast to go. Tommy has to drink green energy first. He nearly gags and asks for his dad. Mother says he’s in the shed tinkering around. She pouts that she doesn’t like the green juice and he finishes it. She says he’s a good boy*

Warlock: Oh my god…

 

*Davis starts massaging Girl’s thigh and starts hitting on her. She wants to go and Davis starts screaming at her. Tommy calls for him outside and he says he’ll be right there. He tells Girl to shut the fuck up. Next frame Tommy walks into Davis. “I told you to stay the hell away from the shed.” Tommy stammers*

Warlock: All you had to say was “I wasn’t in the shed I was outside”

 

*Tommy hands Davis a phone and says its work. Davis “Its Saturday for christ’s sake. You owe me Joe!” He tells Tommy to run back to the house and Mother brings him inside once he makes it to the porch. Back in the shed, Davis offers her an apple and she says no. Davis “Alright, that’s what I get for being nice.”

Warlock: Tommy needs to start lifting some weights.

 

*Bunny (Dana Daurey) is the host of the HSN. Mother watches intently as an “I love you” button is for sale and she says “I love chocolate cookies too” and starts sobbing*

Warlock: She is TAPPED.

 

*Mother turns off the TV*

Warlock: ITS A MIRACLE!!!!!

 

*Davis drives to work as Mother buys the Love Button*

Warlock: Good grief.

 

*Tommy checks on Girl and asks what Davis did to her. Girl says she’s fine now. She refuses the food and claims her stomach hurts. Tommy says he’ll go get orange juice and she says she wants him to stay. She doesn’t know how much time she has left. Tommy “There’s got to be a way!”

Warlock: You know what would be nice? CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. Make us care about the girl. Have her tell a story about herself, her background, SOMETHING. That’s not an acting or directing problem, that’s the writer’s fault.

 

*Tommy says they should cut through the chains*

Warlock: Do you see any boltcutters?

 

*Tommy says “Oh my god how could I be so stupid?” Girl “You’ll never be like him. Tommy “I don’t know anything about you.” Girl “Neither do I. I’m trying to remember”

Warlock: Holy fucking christ….doesn’t this girl have a family? She has a cell phone, couldn’t they just track it? Wouldn’t there be missing posters around? Didn’t someone see Davis haul her off in broad daylight? Ugh….

 

*Girl wants to know what Tommy’s favorite food and subject in school. Its history. He says he likes history because anything is better than the present and future*

Warlock: Finally, some development.

 

*Girl “Anything is possible.” Tommy says she doesn’t even know her own name*

Warlock: Stop trying to be heel.

 

*Girl makes Tommy promise to go….anywhere but there. Tommy “You tricked me.” Girl “I’ll be at peace as long as I know you’re okay.” Tommy scoffs and nods off next to her*

Warlock: Uh…kid….you may want to get out of there.

 

*Tommy has visions of some lady (Hallie Jordan) speaking backwards*

Warlock: Ok we get it….

 

*Girl wakes up and tells Tommy she wishes they can get away from there. Tommy wakes up. “I won’t let him hurt you.” Suddenly Davis walks in “WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN ON????”

Warlock: The shit hit the fan 25 minutes early.

 

*Tommy runs for it. Davis “YEAH YOU LITTLE FUCKER! Tommy makes it outside but Davis tackles him”YOU LITTLE BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU DISOBEY ME!” Tommy “Sorry.” Davis “SORRY DOESN’T CUT IT!” Davis goes to hit Tommy when Girl screams and a CGI shockwave stops his hand as Tommy gets away*

Warlock: So now she has supersonic powers…..out of nowhere….

 

*Davis runs into the shed and then boards Tommy’s window shut while taunting him about disobeying him*

Warlock: How are they going to end it? We got a kidnapping going on, how does Mother not know about all this going on?

 

*Girl has a vision of some lady saying they’re aliens that have seen galaxies created and destroyed*

Warlock: ARE THE FUCKING WRITERS ON DRUGS????? So let me get this straight…..Davis unknowingly kidnapped an alien from another planet? Hahahaha what the fuck is this? As bad and as completely out of nowhere, at least this DOES explain why she can’t remember her name.

 

*Girl snaps out of her vision with Davis screaming “YOU FUCKING WHORE! YOU LIED TO ME! I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU! WE’RE JUST GOING FOR A LITTLE RIDE…BITCH” Davis cuts her loose and duct tapes her hands together*

Warlock: Now would be a good time for Tommy to do something.

 

*Tommy runs to Mother and says Davis is not okay*

Warlock: I have a feeling where this is going.

 

*Davis carries Girl out as Mother calls Tommy a liar. Tommy then says “How about his secret little box.” and he goes to get the box of pictures*

Warlock: Wait, how would he know about that????

 

*Mother pulls Tommy down and she sobs hysterically. She runs and hugs him and says she’ll make it right. Mother says they’ll figure it out. They run outside as Davis puts the picture box in the trunk next to Girl*

Warlock: Kid would have been fucked if Mother didn’t believe him, Davis had it all along.

 

*Mother confronts Davis “Hi honey. Go back inside this doesn’t concern you.” Tommy breaks free and says to search the trunk. Davis intercepts but all of a sudden a mini van pulls up and two FBI agents (Nick W Nicholsen and Lorraine Ziff) jump out and the male says “Where’s the girl?”

Warlock: Oh ho ho ha ha, now what?

 

*The agents pull their guns and Mother asks what girl? Davis brings out Girl with a knife to her neck and tells them to lower their weapons*

Warlock: Okay, there’s 18 minutes left…this can’t possibly be the final standoff.

 

*Davis shouts that she’s a bitch and a whore and asks why do they care about her*

Warlock: Well gee, usually kidnapping is FEDERAL OFFENSE you idiot.

 

*Girl uses her power to make the pictures go fly. Mother jumps in front of Davis and takes a bullet through the heart*

Warlock: Could have done without the techno soundtrack but….nice shooting stranger.

 

*Tommy comes to Mother’s aid and then rips the tape off Girl’s hands. She grabs his wrists and shouts “Stop!” literally freezing time. She shouts “Go back” and we rewind all the way back to where Davis was loading Girl in the trunk with the picture box. Only instead of Tommy waking Mother, he goes to rescue her alone*

Warlock: Oh great, now we’re gonna do the Clue ending. “But here’s what REALLY happened!”

 

*Tommy rips the tape off and says “I don’t know how you did it, but thank you.” Davis then loads Tommy in the trunk too and drives off. Mother then walks outside with the FBI agents pulling up.

Warlock: So now not only is the girl not rescued, Tommy’s fucked too.

 

*Davis pops the trunk and sneers. “Its time to have some fun. Aww isn’t that sweet. You can have your shot with her when I’m done with her.”

Warlock: That was a possible ending I was thinking of, but Tommy’s too young to have hit puberty.

 

*Tommy grabs Davis arm and says “No dad, YOU are done.” Girl shouts “Stop” and we cut to Girl looking menacing before shouting “GO!”  Davis wakes up in the hole he had previously dug. Tommy “I’m sorry.” Davis “I’m still your dad. I love you!” Tommy “I love you too dad.” Davis “GET ME OUT OF HERE YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!” Tommy “Or what?” Girl says this is for all the other girls that never had a chance.  Tommy and Girl bury Davis alive and Tommy drops the keys to the shed on the dirt. Mother then walks up and Tommy asks what she saw. She says everything and hugs Tommy*

Warlock: There’s 10 minutes left, this can’t be the ending either.

 

*Mother hands the dinosaur toy to Tommy and apologizes for being so blind. She asks for forgiveness and Tommy says yes. The FBI int he nearby minivan exit and says “Its time. Come with us.” Tommy asks what’s going on, Girl says its okay. Girl says they’re taking her to her REAL home.”In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not from here.”

Warlock: Great, so we’re ripping off ET now too?

 

*Tommy “Will I ever see you again?” Girl”I hope so.”Tommy “Remember me” and he hands her the dinosaur toy. She kisses his cheek and goes with the feds*

Warlock: He’s gonna jerk off to her every day for the rest of his life when he gets old enough.

 

*Tommy “What now mom?” Mother “We go home.” We get a sappy song and an overhead shot*

Warlock: The hell? There’s still 10 minutes left.

 

*Fade to black, end credits*

Warlock: Something’s wrong, there’s still 10 minutes left in the run time.

 

*At the end of the movie we get the outakes. At one point Michael Biehn hams it up, Tristian makes funny faces, Jennifer fails to say action several times and Michael scolds her*

Warlock: Oh jesus christ. So the movie was really only 70 minutes long with 10 minutes of credits and outtakes….wow.

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: 4.5 out of 10 – Insane

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: This was one of the most batshit insane movies I have EVER seen. Not one of the worst, BATSHIT…INSANE. The writing was totally fucked up but that’s what gave it its charm. I can’t fault the acting because everyone turned in a fantastic performance with what they had to work with. Michael Biehn as the serial killer was surreal as I grew up watching him shoot the bad guys in various movies. Its a testament to good acting which is how he cal flip the switch from hero to heel. I gave this a 4.5 because the writing was so bizarre and off the wall but it wasn’t total garbage. I had fun with it and if you want to fly by the seat of your pants, I recommend this totally. That about wraps up another insane adventure, have a totally fucked evening.

204. Deadly Outbreak (1995)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, OOGA BOOGA t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a silver thermos of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock makes the ground rumble before he walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight we take a look at another IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE. As you can see I’ll be flying solo for this one.

*Camera pants to empty recliner and couch*

Warlock: Tonight’s flick is the 1995 action thriller Deadly Outbreak. Yes, released the same year as the Hollywood blockbuster Outbreak, DEADLY Outbreak is pretty much the same thing on a lower budget.

*Warlock takes his seat in the recliner*

Warlock: Wow, not used to this seat. Good thing I got my laptop hooked up to the TV again. So let’s get started with Deadly Outbreak.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A terrorist group lead by Colonel Baron has taken over an Israeli biochemical weapon laboratory. Colonel Baron wants to get his hands on a new secret weapon developed by Dr. Allie Levin. Dutton Hatfield from the U.S. embassy must help Dr. Levin keep her invention away from the bad guys.”

Warlock: So…same shit as Cyberjack except its a secret weapon and not a computer virus. Got it.

 

*Nu Image*

Warlock: Once again they can’t spell New correctly.

 

*Panoramic view of Washington DC followed by a guy reading a map*

Warlock: Hes got the Third Division in the Red Sea!

 

*Guys plan to blow the building*

Warlock: TAKE COVER! Wait, there’s no one here.

 

*Colonel Baron (Ron Silver) and his men are ready…and we cut to the R.D.I. (Research Development Institute) Near Tel Aviv, Israel – 3 PM*

Warlock: Salute Your Shorts comes on at 4.

 

*Dr. Allie Levin (Rochelle Swanson) types away on her computer as Dr. David Berg (Yehuda Efroni) walks in asking about her side project*

Warlock: Heh, Dave Berg….The Lighter Side of bio-terrorism in B movies.

 

*Allie is producing an anti-toxin and Berg wants 4 samples for an American consulate on its way*

Warlock: If not, he’s gonna take her over his knee.

 

*Sgt Dutton Hatfield (Jeff Speakman) rolls around in the park with his son TJ (Erik Rosenberg). He’s teaching him self defense*

Warlock: Show him how to kick someone in the junk.

*TJ accidentally kicks Dutton in the junk*

Warlock: HAAAA! I called it.

 

*Plane flies as DEADLY TAKEOVER is shown*

Warlock: So is the movie called Deadly Outbreak or Deadly Takeover? Make up your mind movie!

 

*Pilot makes heading changes as we’re shown passengers looking bored*

Warlock: What’s the in flight movie?

 

*Colonel Baron is in the front row*

Warlock: I don’t see any Gameboys being played.

 

*Back at the park Dutton chills with TJ before we go back to the plane*

Warlock: What was the purpose of that?

 

*Goatee dude shoots and kills the pilot and the co-pilot*

Warlock: You couldn’t have waited until AFTER they had their coffee?

 

*Goatee starts capping all the passengers. We cut to a different plane with Colonel Baron on it. Goatee dude is named Luther (Michael Parlato) and he radios Baron. Luther jams the radar frequency so one plane takes the place of the other. Baron’s plane goes off the grid with his men*

Warlock: What was the purpose of that?

 

*Dutton and TJ share bonding moments. Dutton has to take TJ home to do homework*

Warlock: What’s homework?

 

*Baron tells everyone they have a big payday in store if they don’t fuck this up. Baron gets off the plane and assumes the role of a Doctor and Lt. Benny Epstein (Yehuda Elboim) introduces himself to Baron. Dutton is introduced as Epstein’s guard. Baron says they won’t be going to the local hotel here in Israel*

Warlock: A young Ziva David will assassinate him.

 

*Baron says he and his delegates will be meeting Dr. Berg immediately. Epstein is ordered to call Berg. Ramos (Jack Adalist) is Baron’s right hand man, he’ll be going with Hatfield and Baron to the lab. Epstein says the orders are correct*

Warlock: Hatfield should shoot them both and end this movie 10 minutes in.

 

*Baron and Hatfield talk back and forth. Hatfield was in SpecOps for 10 years and Baron says he was too. Hatfield says he was in Iraq and Baron says it was a stupid war. They could have eliminated Saddam in 85*

Warlock: Took them another 20 years to do it after this movie came out.

 

*Baron says the higher ups didn’t know when to make the important decisions. Hatfield asks if that’s why he’s retired. Baron says he gave advice to his superiors and they disagreed. Hatfield laughs with him*

Warlock: Got to be some truth to that.

 

*Allie continues to work on anti-toxins when Berg tells her to come with him to meet the consulate. Berg greets Baron and welcomes him to the lab. Berg introduces Dr. Eliot Stein (Larry Smith), Dr Abrahams (Ami Dayan) and an extra*

Warlock: Love how the guy’s not even in the credits.

 

*Baron says he’ll introduce his colleagues once he’s inside*

Warlock: There’s a dead giveaway that something’s wrong.

 

*All the phony doctors are introduced except for Stanislav (Gal Yorman) who’s outside the guard tower. Stanislav shoots the guards as Hatfield leaves. Baron says he’ll miss all the fun. Once Hatfieldis gone, Epstein leads Baron and his own associates to the lab*

Warlock: How did Hatfield not see Stanislav dragging bodies around outside?

 

*Allie completes her anti-toxin. Meanwhile Hatfield looks around for the exit. He asks Stanislav disguised as a guard which way the highway is. Stanislav shoots at him with an AK-47*

Warlock: Wow, what an idiot. If he just pointed in any direction, Hatfield would have left and there would be no movie. “Which way is the highway?”  Just point *points somewhere* duhhhhh.

 

*Hatfield runs for cover and a shootout commences.  The van blows as the henchmen begin wiping out the guards inside. Hatfield shoots and kills Stanislav*

Warlock: One down, about 9 to go.

 

*Hatfield goes to call for backup but the radio is fried. Meanwhile the henchmen successfully take out all the guards*

Warlock: These guards are useless.

 

*Hatfield runs inside and starts loading up*

Warlock: Well they’re going to have to Die Hard this from here on, can’t kill all the bad guys now, only 17 minutes into the movie.

 

*Security guy radios Colonel Gideon (Dan Turgeman) that terrorists have invaded the building. The black henchman is tagged in the arm by two guards. His associate pulls a grenade and takes them out. The security guy’s name is Ira (Idan Alterman). The henchmen blow away the staff but Ira makes it to an air vent*

Warlock: Great, now we got two stragglers.

 

*Black dude radios Gideon that they have control of the building now*

Warlock: Should have just said “Everything’s under control.” Now you got a situation on your hands. The Israeli police are on their way….and probably the Mossad.

 

*Israeli military rush to get ready including choppers, jeeps and trucks*

Warlock: We’re gonna need more FBI guys.

 

*Hatfield is ambushed by 2 of the henchmen with uzi’s. He hides behind flammable barrels and quickly realizes his mistake*

Warlock: At least he’s self aware.

 

*The barrels explode but Hatfield makes it to safety. Meanwhile black henchmen hacks into the computer systems. He shuts down communications throughout the building. “Voila” he says*

Warlock: This guy has charisma, a name would help.

 

*Berg, Baron and Ramos grab Elaine Starkov (Bridget Marks) and invite her to join them. Baron tells Ramos not to grab her because that’s no way to treat a lady. They press on*

Warlock: Is Berg gonna do anything? Jesus, can’t he hear the gunfire? Allie heard it a mile away.

 

*Ira runs into Hatfield and Dutton recruits him. Black dude radios Baron and says he sees Ira and Hatfield in the hallway. Baron calls him Hopper (Kevin Jones)*

Warlock: Finally we get a name.

 

*Ira gives a status report and Allie was hiding in a restroom. They need to find her. Hatfield hands him a gun and says good luck*

Warlock: Take him with you, you fool.

 

*Berg leads Starkov, Ramos and Baron into the lab. He says the alarm triggered the timelocks and they won’t open for another 10 hours without Allie’s code. He has to find her*

Warlock: Ohhhhhh, he’s in on it. Yeah, that explains it.

 

*One of the henchmen shooting at Hatfield earlier along with his long haired friend report to Baron that Hatfield got away. The long haired guy calls the other Gallo (Jonathan Sagall). Ramos volunteers to go after him. Baron cooly tells them no, he wants intel on Hatfield first*

Warlock: I half expected him to be like every other idiotic leader and kill the henchman. Good thing he’s not that stupid.

 

*The Israeli military make it to the lab and set up shop outside*

Warlock: We got Ramos, Gallo, Hopper, Baron, Berg, long hair and maybe a few others…against Ira and Hatfield.

 

*Baron leads everyone to the communications room where Hopper reports he saw Allie in a 3rd floor bathroom with a cylinder. Baron tells two henchmen bring him Hatfield’s head and two others to kill Allie and bring back the cylinder. Ramos tells long hair and Gallo if they fuck up, both their heads on his wall*

Warlock: Yeah, great. Threaten your own guys, great idea.

 

*Hopper, Baron and Berg look at the building blueprints. They star going over their battle plan. Baron radios Gideon that if they storm the place, he has all the chemicals in there wired to explode. Baron blows one of the outside bombs to demonstrate his power*

Warlock: Nice bomb rigging.

 

*Hopper wires more bombs around the building. Long Hair and Gallo find Ira and shoot at him. Meanwhile Allie tries to lockpick her way into the air vent. Mullet Dude and Gunther (Yoram Yosephberg) enter the bathroom*

Warlock: That air vent was like a foot wide, not even she could have made it through there.

 

*Gunther “I say we have a little fun before we waste her ass”

Warlock: I like the sound of that.

 

*Gunther and Mullet find Allie, Gunther hands Mullet the cylinder and pulls her out*

Warlock: Should have just shot her right there.

 

*Gunther goes to rape Allie while Mullet complains that they should just kill her and leave. Gunther starts taking his pants off and Allie boots him in the gonads*

Warlock: Yeah he had that coming.

 

*Gunther gets his pants off and goes to fuck Allie when Hatfield walks in. “That’s not practicing safe sex.” Hatfield beats the shit out of both of them*

Warlock: Nice fighting scene.

 

*Gunther goes to stab Hatfield, but he redirects the knife into Mullet. He then knocks out Gunther and asks Allie if she’s alright. She asks who they are and Hatfield says he’s going to find out. Hatfield says he’s the one who let them in and she scoffs at him. He scoffs at her back and cuts the Achilles of Gunther. Allie complains that he’s unconscious and Hatfield says he’s gonna have to crawl after them now*

Warlock: Great idea by Hatfield….should have just killed him like Mullet dude though. So now we got Long Hair, Gallo, Hopper, Ramos, Gunther, Berg and Baron against Ira and Hatfield…although Ira is useless.

 

*Allie grabs the cylinder as Hatfield keeps calling her lovey names much to her chagrin. Hatfield asks what’s in the cylinder, Allie says a compound that could wipe out the entire world*

Warlock: So, whiskey?

 

*Baron radios Gallo and Long Hair and ask their status. Gallo hasn’t found Hatfield yet. Baron radios Arthunian (Rhon Shuki) who was Mullet Dude and asks if they have the compound. Hatfield “Sorry Colonel, I got the babe and the magic sauce.” Baron figures out its Hatfield and asks how he’s doing. They playfully insult each other as Baron runs down Hatfield’s life and says just give him what he wants, no one else gets hurt or dies. Hatfield blows him off*

Warlock: This really is a Die Hard ripoff.

 

*General Miller (Jerry Hyman) at the Pentagon is briefed on the events in Israel. Meanwhile Hopper and Baron watch Hatfield and Allie walk around. Baron “Looks like the sergeant wants to play.” Hopper says everything is rigged to blow. Baron tells Hopper to kill Hatfield and Allie plus bring back the compound*

Warlock: Should have sent Ramos too, just to make sure.

 

*Gallo shoots at Allie and Hatfield as they enter her office. A shootout occurs between Hatfield and the two henchmen. Allie uses her passcode to get away since the henchmen don’t have it. Baron radios Miller and we find out that it was Miller who forced Baron into retirement after Baron’s disagreement about the Gulf War. Baron says he’s got the RDI and Washington rigged to blow, he wants safe passage to the Tel Aviv airport, 500 million dollars wired to his account and 10 million in cash on a jet. Miller says he’s nuts but Baron says if he doesn’t comply, Washington turns to dust the the Middle East will be contaminated*

Warlock: The Palestinians will love that.

 

*Baron tells Ramos that Hatfield is in Sub-Level 1. The military makes their way in as well. Ira runs into Hatfield and Hatfield says “You made it.” Hatfield says he has to get them out of there but they both complain. All of a sudden the military run into them and tell them to freeze. Hatfield identifies himself but notices a bomb rigged and says to take over. The bomb takes out the military team but not Hatfield’s crew*

Warlock: Ah lovely.

 

*Hatfield unkownigly leans on Ira’s chest. Hatfield’s crew makes it to Allie’s office. Hatfield messes up Humphrey Bogart lines as Baron radios Hopper and Gunther that they’re on the third floor. Hatfield notices the security camera and shoots it*

Warlock: Bonus points in Resident Evil Operation Raccoon City for that.

 

*Allie disables the camera as Hatfield leaves to cut off the terrorists. Ira has to watch Allie*

Warlock: These guys are dorks.

 

*Hopper notices Gunther limping. Gunther says “The bastard cut my leg and killed Arthunian”

Warlock: Nice looping.

 

*Hopper trips a grenade while carrying Gunther. He runs for it, Gunther screams “Sonovabitchhhhh” KABOOOOOOOMM! Hatfield flies into the office where Allie yells at him again*

Warlock: She has got to be the most ungrateful bitch in movie history.

 

*Hatfield yells at her back as Allie kills the security system. Ramos and Baron are now blind. Baron asks Berg what happened and Berg tells him Allie killed the system. Hatfield radios Baron “I guess its the blind leading the blind isn’t it Colonel.” Baron says he’s coming from him, meanwhile Hatfield has Allie send a message to the Embassy with their status. Meanwhile Gallo and Long Hair make their way up to the third floor*

Warlock: We’re down to Baron, Berg, Ramos, Gallo, Hopper and Long Hair against Ira and Hatfield. Much better odds than last time.

 

*Long Hair plugs Ira in the ear as Hatfield empties his last clip providing cover as they get away. Hatfield tosses the gun away*

Warlock: Noooo, you could have thrown it at them!

 

*Colonel Gideon calls up Miller and says the situation is serious. Miller says refrain from using force because Baron has Washington wired to blow. Gideon says they’ll do it his way.*

Warlock: You think he gives a fuck about Washington?

 

*Gallo and Long Hair play cat and mouse with Dutton’s crew. Dutton trips some steam valves to piss off Gallo. Dutton fights Gallo one on one*

Warlock: How did he miss with the shotgun blast?

 

*Dutton shouts to Ira to get Allie out of there.Dutton gets the upperhand with a nutshot and rolls away. Gallo pulls a sidearm and plays more cat and mouse before they brawl again. This time Dutton wipes the floor with him and super spinkicks him down the stairs*

Warlock: That takes care of him.

 

*Ira sacrifices himself to save Allie as Long Hair shoots him dead. He goes to finish off Allie but Hatfield springs into action. He goes to kill him but Allie stops him*

Warlock: Don’t listen to her, finish him off!

 

*Allie takes the gun from him and pistol whips him. “When he wakes up he’ll have to crawl after us.”

Warlock: What the hell? Ira died for nothing then.

 

*Hatfield shuts Ira’s eyes “You died a hero pal.”

Warlock: Yeah, but now you left his killer alive. One more henchmen to deal with.

 

*Allie yells at Hatfield to leave her alone*

Warlock: Just shoot her already.

 

*Allie then reveals her husband was killed in the Gulf War and she’s pissed because he didn’t have to die, same as Ira. She works ungodly hours so she doesn’t have to think of him. Dutton shows her a picture of TJ and says his mother is on the back of a Harley  with his now ex-best friend*

Warlock: About time we have some character development…..but give me a goddamned break. Rather than go with the “my wife died” plot you go with the “my wife left me for my best friend” plot? That’s so ridiculous.

 

*Dutton says he’s jealous because he always wanted to own a Harley. He has to save the day because the toy-store opens at 9 AM*

Warlock: This dialogue is attrocious.

 

*Gallo calls long hair Vartan (RL Noff) and tells him to get up*

Warlock: Great, he left them both alive?

 

*Gallo hands Vartan a shotgun and says to follow him. Meanwhile Hatfield wants to know where the anti-toxin is to the virus she’s carrying in the cylinder. Hatfield spots a bomb and tells her to work on the formula back in the lab. He has to diffuse the bomb. Hatfield “I’m either going to be really righ…or really wrong.”

Warlock: If you’re wrong there would be no movie.

 

*Hopper shoots at Hatfield out of nowhere and Gall & Vartan argue over which way to go. They split up*

Warlock: Mr. America would hate that.

 

*Hatfield impales Hopper with a crowbar*

Warlock: Seriously? You left everyone else alive but you killed the one guy with any personality?

 

*Dutton fights Vartan one on one. Dutton stabs him with a knife and they go tumbling. Vartan misses with a shotgun and Dutton blows his gonads away. “Forgot to wear your bulletproof cup*

Warlock: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww what the fuckkkkkkkkkkk

 

*Gallo goes back to Ramos, Berg and Baron*

Warlock: We still got a half hour left, this is no time to play “Take out your own man.”

 

*Gallo reports Vartan is dead and Hatfield is still alive. Ramos punches him down. Baron says if he fails again, he’ll end up like Vartan*

Warlock: Good, least Baron’s not that dumb.

 

*Baron tells Gallo to go get the girl. He leaves and Baron tells Ramos to get Hatfield on the horn and tell him they’re going to start executing hostages. Baron wants Berg to choose who goes first or else it will be him. Berg says Abrahams and Ramos leads him away*

Warlock: “Abrahams owed me money, the bastard.”

 

*Hatfield makes it back to Allie. They share horrible dialogue and Baron says Abrahams is dead. He’s got 10 minutes to deliver the virus or someone else dies. Baron tells Ramos to take Elaine next but Elliot intervenes, Ramos takes him instead. Next frame is Ramos shouting for Hatfield while holding Elliot hostage*

Warlock: COLONEL BRADDOCK!!!!

 

*Hatfield walks up to them with a gun in his hand, aimed at Ramos’ head. Ramos tells him to put it down. Hatfield puts the cylinder down and backs off. Ramos tells Elliot to get the cylinder and bring it back to him. Elliot goes and gets the cylinder*

Warlock: I would have ducked and let Hatfield shoot him.

 

*Ramos says to bring it back. Elliot brings it back and Rsamos shoots him in the head before escaping*

Warlock: What the hell kind of idiotic plan was that? You knew he wasn’t just going to hand over the hostage!

 

*Ramos literally drives a bulldozer into the compound and tries to run over Hatfield*

Warlock: That’s even more ridiculous. Just go back to Baron, you’ve won.

 

*Allie completes the anti-toxin as Ramos exits the bulldozer with the cylinder. She goes back into the lab where Gallo is waiting*

Warlock: This is why you kill the terrorists, so they don’t come back!

 

*Allie says if Gallo kills her, they’ll never get the cylinder. He says take him to it. She resists and throws acid in hs face. He uses the emergency eye wash to clean himself and he beats Allie up. Meanwhile Ramos brings the cylinder to Baron and info on TJ. Baron wonders if TJ looks like him*

Warlock: 22 minutes left and the heels have the advantage. How are they going to end this?

 

*Dutton hides as Berg and Baron walk by. We get a random shot of Israel at 6 AM*

Warlock: Nice scenery, kind of useless.

 

*Colonel Gideon can’t attack without orders from his superiors much to his chagrin. Meanwhile Berg opens the cylinder and says its an instant kill. Baron shoots the beaker the cylinder’s contents were poured into and pulls off Berg’s mask. Berg drops dead. Baron “Seems to work”

Warlock: I’ll give him a pass on “wipe out your own guy” because he was useless at this point.

 

*Gallo brings Allie to Baron and the anti-toxin*

Warlock: Okay, so as we stand with 20 minutes left, the heels have the virus, the anti-toxin and 3 guys left to just Hatfield.

 

*Allie asks where Berg is, Baron says he’s on sabbatical. Gideon radios in and says his terms have been agreed upon. Meanwhile Baron radios Dutton and tells him he has Allie. Dutton threatens him and Baron says he’ll kill her first. Allie says he;s underestimating him. Baron says he’s a marine, double his IQ and it still won’t reach triple digits*

Warlock: Don’t tell Agent Gibbs that.

 

*Baron tells Ramos to kill Allie and tells Gallo to go get Dutton*

Warlock: Hurry up Dutton.

 

*Baron radios Luther (Michael Parlato) and says they’re heading to the airport. Dutton hotwires a van and drives as Ramos and Baron lead the remaining hostages to the bus waiting for them. Gallo hotwires his own van and takes off after Dutton. Meanwhile the others pile onto the bus as Ramos drives off. Back to Gallo who shoots at Dutton with an uzi*

Warlock: How does he have this bad of A-Team accuracy?

 

*Gallo rams Dutton through a wall but they keep driving*

Warlock: The bus would be miles away by now.

 

*Gallo pulls up next to Dutton and they ram into each other until Dutton runs over a flammable gas tank and it blows Gallo to smithereeens*

Warlock: Congrats, too bad he capped the wrong guy.

 

*The police show up led by Gideon in a chopper and go to arrest Dustton. He tells them its Sgt Hatfield and they allow him into the chopper*

Warlock: They shoot him on sight, The End.

 

*The chopper makes its way toward the bus, Hatfield tells everyone not to attack because Baron has the cylinder. Baron is also driving the bus now. Baron tells Ramos to take out the last doctor. Elaine and Allie try to stop Ramos and he drops them both with backhands. Ramos elbows Elaine and shoots her in the chest. Ramos leans the doctor out the door and tells the chopper to back off, they refuse so he throws him out, killing him. Hatfield says he’s gonna kill the hostages anyway so bring him down there*

Warlock: Yeah really, Allie is the only one left. What are Ramos and Baron have left to bargain with?

 

*Dutton goes to hop out of the chopper onto the bus but Ramos shoots him in the leg. Then he takes out the police cars chasing them. Dutton falls onto the bus as Ramos fires blindly at him*

Warlock: Don’t waste your ammo you fool.

 

*Dutton drops in and fights Ramos one on one. Baron pulls a gun in the drivers seat and fires blindly as well*

Warlock: You’ll hit Ramos you idiot.

 

*Hatfield starts beating the shit out of Ramos and takes him hostage. He tells Baron to put the gun down or Ramos dies and Baron shoots Ramos dead anyway*

Warlock: Ok, NOW he’s in violation of “Take out your own man”

 

*Baron is out of rounds and Dutton punches him out. He grabs Allie and the cylinder before jumping out of the bus. It barrels into an airplane and explodes. All of a sudden TJ shouts “Dad!” We cut to Luther holding TJ hostage*

Warlock: What the fuck?? Where did he know where to look?

 

*Dutton walks up to Luther but Gideon has a sniper rifle and says he’s got the clean shot if Dutton can move TJ. Dutton starts talking shit to Luther and Luther fires….hitting him in the shoulder*

Warlock: You had the clean shot and you tag him in the arm?

 

*TJ uses the same kick he used on Dutton to kick Luther in the gonads. TJ runs for it and Gideon caps Luther in the chest. TJ runs up to Dutton who plays dead*

Warlock: He got hit in the arm, he’s fine.

 

*TJ and Allie pick up Dutton and he kisses her*

Warlock: Oh sre…now he kisses her?

 

*TJ enjoys the remote control car Dutton got for his birthday. Dutton tells Allie they need to talk about what to get for his borthday. They kiss as the movie ends*

Warlock: Ugh, thank god its over. The movie was sponsored by Pepsi and the only time you see it is that end scene. Maybe they had second thoughts about product placement in this movie.

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: 4.5 out of 10 – Below Average.

 

*Warlock rises from the recliner*

Warlock: That was a low budget Die Hard ripoff. Seriously, this was just Die Hard with B-List actors and a B-List budget. The villains were about as exciting as a glass of water and the protagonists had all the personality of bathroom tile. Some action scenes were good and it was an easy to follow plot, but it still wasn’t that good. It wasn’t horrible but it was definitely below average. Only watch it if you find it on youtube for free or if there’s nothing else on TV. That about wraps up another below average adventure, have a pleasant evening.

203. Executive Target (1997)

 

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a Big Island University #95 jersey with the name KINCAID on the back, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a cooking pot of Pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t thinks so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock spots some joggers running by and he screams “ahhhhhhhhhhhh” at them before walking inside*

Warlock: Once again I am flying solo on this mission. IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE is a dirty job but someone has to do it. Tonight’s movie is Executive Target, a 1997 movie starring some of the most well known actors and pornstars from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s…yes of course I’m serious.

*Warlock takes his seat at the kitchen table with the laptop all set to go*

Warlock: So let’s get this party started with Executive Target.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A stunt driver heading for prison on a minor charge is freed against his will by a terrorist gang. Then by kidnapping his wife, he is forced to drive a getaway car in a plot to kidnap the President from a motorcade.”

Warlock: Kidnapping the president. Yeah, no big deal. Good luck with that.

 

*Movie opens with credits during a panoramic view of New York City*

Warlock: Ooooh…ahhh….

 

*President Carlson (Roy Scheider) says he didn’t become president to make friends, he would have stayed in New Jersey*

Warlock: Roy Scheider, always gotta be the tough guy.

 

*Carlson says he’s gonna need Mac’s help. The First Lady (Michele Colucci-Zieger) walks with Carlson to a press conference. Carlson’s plan is to end poverty*

Warlock: Sounds like a good plan.

 

*Carlson talks about Star Wars should be financed by Hollywood, not the American public.Crazy spending went out in the 80’s*

Warlock: Ah yes, this came out in 1997, right around the re-release of the first 3 Star Wars movies in theaters.

 

*We cut to Area 55 where Lamar (Keith David) watches the President’s speech on TV. A radio personality calls the president a bleeding heart as we cut to a prison bus being driven*

Warlock: That’s more torturous than prison, having to listen to political radio.

 

*Lacey (Angie Everhart) and Clay (Gareth Williams) are waiting for the bus and she says “There’s our boy”*

Warlock: Tonight there’s going to be a jailbreak.

 

*Lacey calls Lamar and says they’re on it. Meanwhile an Inmate (Frank Stager) yells at a guard (Ray Laska) to shut the radio off. The guard threatens to kick his ass and the inmate says only because he’s locked up in chains*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Inmate looks at Nick James (Michael Madsen) and says “fuck you too”

Warlock: Ah, so this is how Mr. Blonde got out of jail.

 

*A whole bunch of cars crash into the bus. Suddenly a mac truck shows up and rams it*

Warlock: Not really a sound plan, what if Nick was on the wrong side of the bus?

 

*Clay, Lacey and two henchmen bust out Nick. Clay caps two of the inmates*

Warlock: I like what I see, trash taking care of itself.

 

*The cops show up and 3 other henchmen start shooting at them. Lacey and Clay load Nick in the car, who steals it and drives off with Lacey and Clay in hot pursuit. The 3 other henchmen are capped by the cops. The mac truck driver starts plowing through cars. Lacey screams at Clay who Clay explains Nick is a stunt car driver*

Warlock: Least they explained that much.

 

*Nick lights up a cigarette as a police cruiser spots him. He then gets trailed by a whole squad as Lacey and Clay continue to yell at each other. She says let her think for a second*

Warlock: And her head explodes.

 

*Cop cars go flying everywhere as Nick continues to try and escape them all. He slams on the breaks and flies over another car*

Warlock: Oh bullshit….

 

*Nick swerves to avoid a woman pushing a stroller and the woman is nearly cleaned out by the cops. She makes it to safety and Nick continues the escape*

Warlock: A man of the people!

 

*Two cars remain in the chase until Nick swerves to catch one of them in traffic. The final car is joined by yet another squad car to keep it a 2 on 1 chase. Nick then plows through a construction site and the final two cars crash into each other. Nick speeds off as a chopper overhead looks for him. Apparently 13 inmates total escaped*

Warlock: The sequel to this movie could be about the other 12 escapees.

 

*Detective Smoke (Mike Genovese) and Detective Green (Jessica Cushman) say most of the inmates can be picked up by tailing their families, but Nick James will be different*

Warlock: Of course he’d be different. There’d be no movie.

 

*Next scene is at a strip joint*

Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*Dancer (Carolyn Renee Smith) seduces Bela (Dayton Callie) and dances for him*

Warlock: Lucky dude.

 

*Dancer “If my wife was as beautiful as you, we’d still be married.” Dancer “If your wife was as beautiful as me, she wouldn’t have married you.”

Warlock: BURN!

 

*Strip Club Boss yells at Dancer for touching customers and has Bela thrown out onto the street. Bela “Hey fuck you too! Fuckin bastard!”

Warlock: Hope he gets his cover charge back.

 

*Bela runs into Nick and Nick says he needs help. Bela makes fun of him while leading him to his car. He takes him back to his apartment. Nick wants out of the cuffs. Bela “What’s the matter, bondage is not your style?”

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Nick pulls out huge chain cutters from under Bela’s bed. Bela says those are for safety after some hooker cuffed him to the bed for 6 hours. Nick laughs at him*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Nick goes to cut himself free but Bela stops him and says he could use the cuffs. Nick, confused, tell him to get him out*

Warlock: Sick fuck haha.

 

*Once free, Nick and Bela share bonding moments*

Warlock: Yay, character development.

 

*Nick wants to know about his wife Nadia (Kathy Cristopherson). Nick tells him about the attempted break from earlier. Bela asks what he’s gonna do. Nick says he’s gonna turn himself in because he only has one year left on his sentence and he wants to see Nadia*

Warlock: Yeah, good luck convincing a federal judge that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

*Nick says he loves Nadia more than anything and he needs to go see her. Bela says he needs better attire than prison gear*

Warlock: No, don’t do that. The cops and the bad guys will be looking for you through her.

 

*Green and Smoke say next on their hitlist is Nick James. Smoke explains Nick was a Hollywood stunt driver until he was caught with an 18 year old with a purse full of cocaine*

Warlock: Oh wonderful. This reminds me of GTA so much.

 

*Nick uses a key outside to let himself in to Nadia’s. He finds her slumped over sad. Nick goes to praise the outside key when out of nowhere Clay and Lacey put guns on him*

Warlock: Idiot….where do you think people were going to look for you? What did I tell ya?

 

*Smoke and Green knock on the door. Clay hides Nick as Lacey tells Nadia to lose the cops. Smoke and Green tell Nadia want to come inside and Nadia says they can’t come in without a warrant. They DO have a warrant and walk in. Clay executes them both off-screen*

Warlock: Awww come on, we don’t even get to see it?

 

*Carter (Dan Martin) points the finger at Nick for the shooting. His associate says he’ll put out an APB on him. Meanwhile in the back of Lacey’s car, Nick tries to explain to Nadia that he had no idea what was in the 18 year old girl’s purse. All he was doing was giving her a ride. Clay makes fun of him. Nick asks where they’re going, they don’t answer*

Warlock: They’re going to Hulk Hogan’s Pastamania.

 

*Jack (Robert Miano) greets Nadia, Nick, Clay and Lacey and says to walk this way*

Warlock: Not exactly Eyegor.

 

*Clay says this is Area 55*

Warlock: 51 unavailable?

 

*Lamar greets Nick and says he’s a big fan. He introduces himself and demands Nick has his cuffs taken off. Nick wants to know what’s going on. Lamar tells Clay to take her away and he taunts Nick. Nick “You’re gonna get yours, motherfucker!”

Warlock: Yeah really, this guy’s annoying as hell. The mark of a good heel.

 

*Lamar tells Lacey to keep an eye on Clay to make sure she’s okay*

Warlock: He’s no fool, if Clay beats her up Nick will refuse to do anything.

 

*Lamar, Jack and Nick go over the battle plan while playing with remote control cars*

Warlock: That was unexpected.

 

*Lamar tells Nick that he’s going to drive the getaway car. Nick says he can’t make him, but his heart can. Lamar says if he fucks up, Nadia dies. Lamar says to go see her and tell her everything will be fine.*

Warlock: “Hey honey, you’re gonna die if I don’t get back, but nothing’s wrong.”

 

*Clay hits on Nadia when Nick walks in. Clay “Well if it ain’t Rudolph Vaselino”

Warlock: Hahahaha the silent movie heartthrob.

 

*Nick tells Clay to get lost. Lacey tells Clay to scram and she leaves with him. Nadia yells at Nick when they’re alone. Lamar watches them on closed circuit as Nick says he doesn’t know them. Nick tells Nadia that he’s going to be a getaway car of a bank robbery. He says he’s crazy about her but she scoffs. Meanwhile Lamar gets a phone call from whoever is organizing this and he takes it out on Lacey saying they fucked up by killing Detective Smoke. He didn’t want any attention drawn to Nick and now he’s all over the news. Lamar says they won’t be able to spend a fucking dime unless the bait is alive. Lamar says he’s not going to allow anyone to jeopardize his reputation or this mission. Lamar tells Lacey to kill Clay because he doesn’t think. She refuses to kill him because they’re partners. Lamar says take him out whenever she wants and to do it quickly*

Warlock: Ah yes the old “take out your own man” gimmick, one less asshole for the hero to deal with.

 

*Carlson on Air Force One asks Dorothy (Jana Robbins) what’s their status. She says politicians are after him. Dorothy says the next 4 days are going to be their toughest. If they can convince California to roll with the punches, they’ll go along with him*

Warlock: Nobody is a hero here.

 

*Various henchmen work over the cars Nick and others are going to drive. Nick says he’ll custom make the getaway car using Lamar’s own car. “It’ll be a lot less painful if you don’t watch.” Meanwhile Clay brings up the blueprints of the bank vault. Clay says it should take 4 minutes, 45 minutes to complete. A scan of the room reveals Lacey, Jack and Vic (Matthias Hues) in the room with Lamar and Clay*

Warlock: Ha, Matthias Hues is there randomly. How many movies am I going to see him as a henchmen in?

 

*Nick works on the car as Clay taunts him some more. Clay says he’d do his wife and pulls a gun on Nick when Nick lunges. Clay says his days are numbered and calls him a turkey*

Warlock: He has no idea his own days are numbered.

 

*Nick goes back to Nadia but she continues to ignore him. Next day is bank day. Some henchmen brings Nadia to Lamar. Lamar says the van Nick is in is bugged in case he tries to run*

Warlock: I don’t think he’ll try anything with Nadia in Lamar’s clutches.

 

*A homeless window washer (George “Buck” Flower) wants a dollar for washing Nick’s window against his will*

Warlock: God damn, Red still hasn’t found a place to live yet. Crazy drunk driver….

 

*A random cop walks by and Nick plays it off. Cop tells him to put a quarter in the meter. Nick tells the bum to get lost and the cop walks away*

Warlock: Wouldn’t that be a bitch, getting arrested for parking in a metered zone.

 

*Lacey, Jack, Clay and Vic rob the bank although Vic is tagged by the guard. Nick pulls up in the van and they all get in, Vic included*

Warlock: Figures, he’s the only one that gets tagged.

 

*Chase scene occurs. Jack yells at Clay for shooting a woman when he didn’t have to. Clay says “They weren’t gonna just hand us the money and say thank you for shopping with us.” Nick tells Clay to shut up.

Warlock: Wow, the real Mr. Blonde telling this movie’s Mr. Blonde to shut up.

 

*Nick gets chased by at least 5 police cruisers that try to ram him, further injuring Vic. He begans evading one after another, causing them to crash one by one. One completely explodes a winnebago*

Warlock: Metal cars, gotta love em.

 

*Nick plows into the final car and pushes it into traffic before speeding off. Nick pulls over and the team escapes through a hole in the sewer. Nick tells Lacey not to let anything happen to Nadia and Lacey says “don’t let anything happen to you.”

Warlock: Awwww isn’t that sweet?

 

*The police are on their way as Nick drives off. Jack carries Vic but he can’t really walk. Lacey shouts to Clay to go back and help them. Clay “We’re all gonna day because of that fat Fabio lookin fuck”

Warlock: He’d kick the shit out of you, I wouldn’t say that.

 

*Lacey shouts to help them and he says sure. Clay then naturally plugs Vic three times, killing him. Jack strangles him until Lacey says to let him go*

Warlock: That was her chance to take him out under Lamar’s orders. Oh well.

 

*Carter gets intel that its Nick James driving the car*

Warlock: Ah lovely, he’s gonna go away for life.

 

*Clay kills Jack and Lacey finally shoots Clay in the side*

Warlock: About fucking time.

 

*Nick drives through a warehouse while still being chased by the police. He then gets surrounded so he drives off a pier back onto the street, evading police*

Warlock: Yeah, these cops suck.

 

*Nick abandons the van and runs for it. Cops don’t find him. Simpson (David Fralick) at the police has no idea where Nick is. Lamar tells Lacey that they’re going to leave Nick with Clay when this mission is over. Lacey thought the plans was just to hand him over to the cops. Lamar yells at her that she’s being ridiculous*

Warlock: Yeah, he can go.

 

*Luther (Sal Landi) meets Nick “Where the hell you been?”

Warlock: Is his first name Bart?

 

*Next frame is Lacey eating with Nadia. Nadia is still pissed at him.  An associate says Luther and Nick are on their way back. Lamar greets them when they enter the warehouse. Nick gives him shit for Clay’s actions. Nick says he’s taking Nadia and leaving. Lamar says there’s one more step and if he refuses, he’ll kill Nadia personally. Nick asks if they’re going to hit more banks. Lamar says no, kidnap the president*

Warlock:No sweat.

 

*Lamar says the plan is to kidnap the president and sell him. Nick “to who?” Lamar “I don’t know, somebody he pissed off.”

Warlock: Take a number there.

 

*Lamar asks Nick “How do you think we got all this?”

Warlock: Wasn’t on blood and semen.

 

*Nick says Lamar is insane. Lamar says Nick will join him because of big money. Lamar “With big money, you can do anything. Money is power, money is freedom, money is hahahahha”

Warlock: Nice monologue.

 

*Nick “How can you do this, you’re American.” Lamar “OH DON’T GIVE ME THAT!”

Warlock: Yeah really.

 

*Nick knows Lamar is going to kill him and Nadia after and Lamar bullshits him otherwise. Lamar says his cut is 3 million dollars*

Warlock: Pfft, he’d piss that away in 3 minutes.

 

*Lamar says Nick’s involved in some very deep shit, the cops will put Nick in prison a very long time. This is his only chance out*

Warlock: You can trust Jake Roberts before you can trust this guy.

 

*Nick says he wants 1.5 million now and the other half when he gets the president. Lamar “A fool and his money are soon parted. Nick goes back to Nadia who finally shows him affection while Lamar watches on the monitor. Nick says everything’s going to be fine*

Warlock: Bullshit.

 

*General Moore (Lance LeGault) calls Lamar and says the execution must go perfectly. Lamar says to just bring the money*

Warlock: This is not going to end well.

 

*Lamar shit talks Moore when they’re off the phone. Lamar says if they don’t bring the president alive, they’re all dead*

Warlock: Nah, Nick will be fine.

 

*Traffic report says the presidential concave will cause grid-lock throughout the city as Nick checks his moneybag*

Warlock: He should pick up the president and give him half to buy his freedom. Still gets 750 grand out of it.

 

 

*Radio host complains about how liberal the president is*

Warlock: Nothing’s changed in 20 years.

 

*President asks first lady “how it went” she says “it went well”

Warlock: What was the purpose of that?

 

*Lamar tells Nadia that money made Nick do this. Meanwhile a truck driver pulls up to Officer Simpson and says 3 trucks coming through. Simpson lets them by. Lamar says to Nadia this is a well executed plan*

Warlock: We got 27 minutes left, this can’t end this quickly.

 

*The trucks smash into the concave and wipes out one of the secret service vans. Nick springs into action. The trucks wipe out the police escorts before the henchmen pour out and shoot it out with the secret service. The henchmen load Carlson into Nick’s car and he tells him to buckle up. They drive off as Lamar tells Nadia to watch this. The henchmen uncover a gattling gun*

Warlock: Who the fuck financed a goddamn gattling gun?

 

*The gattling gunners shoot the chopper out of the sky. Another chopper shoots at two henchmen and an explosion takes them both out*

Warlock: WHAT CAUSED AN EXPLOSION? They literally were running down the sidewalk. Was there a landmine that appeared out of nowhere?

 

*Second chopper wipes out all henchmen before its shot out of the sky by gattling gunners*

Warlock: THAT explosion makes more sense.

 

*Carlson tells Nick he’s not gonna get away with this. Nick says maybe not but hang on anyway. Lamar with Nadia says Nick is going to make him a very rich man*

Warlock: He’s just a pawn as much as Nick is….or a rook.

 

*Nick can’t shake the cops and one of Lamar’s men radios him asking where he is. Nick continues to try to evade the police*

Warlock: Can we get enough chase scenes? We’ve already established the cops are useless.

 

*Carlson asks where they’/re going, Nick says to a friend’s. Carlson “Oh good…step on it” Nick “No problem”

Warlock: The prez wants in too.

 

*Nick passes a checkpoint which is actually a bomb rigged to blow which takes out the police chasing behind Nick.*

Warlock: Good plan Lamar.

 

*Nick makes it to the warehouse where Jack is there to greet him. Jack takes Carlson and tells Nick to get out of there*

Warlock: I thought Jack was killed by Clay, guess I was wrong earlier.

 

*All of a sudden Nick holds Jack at gunpoint and tells him to get in the red car. Lamar gets pissed and asks what he’s doing. Lamar grabs Nadia and tells her that he must not value her life and throws her out of his office. Meanwhile Nickgrabs his money, loads Carlson in the trunk of Jack’s car and floors it. Jack sits in the red car and says “Shit!”*

Warlock: What in the name of magus is he doing?

 

*Nick drives to Bela’s garage who says “You won’t believe what’s going on out there. Its insane!” Nick tells him to close the door. Nick unlocks the trunk and Bela sees Carlson “Hooooooly shit! Jesus Christ”

Warlock” Hahahahaha

 

*Nick leads Carlson into Bela’s apartment. Bela tries to pass off his pervsion on “kidss”. Nick tells Carlson about being forced to kidnap him by a man named Lamar. Bela shouts that they’re not terrorists. Nick tries to Carlson that he needs to stay there because the bad guys are holding his wife and they’ll kill her no matter what. He says they’re holed up in Area 55. Suddenly a SWAT team prepares to blow into Bela’s apartment*

Warlock: Oh jesus, how’d they find him?

 

*Nick tells Carlson his side and Carlson asks if he’s innocent. Carlson says he’s pissed off, not so much at Nick as he is his security for letting this happen. Nick says he needs a few hours to rescue his wife before he’ll turn himself in. Carlson asks why should he trust him. Finally the SWAT team barges in but Carlson says to let them go. Carlson asks how far Area 55 is. Carlson says he’ll give him two of the SWAT teamers and if they don’t rescue Nadia in 2 hours, they’ll do it his way. Carlson hands him his watch and says there’s a homing device in it, hence why the SWAT team found him*

Warlock: BRILLIANT!

 

*Bela wants to go with Nick and Nick says sure. Nick shakes hands with Carlson and Nick’s team leaves. Bela tells the SWAT teamers that stayed with Carlson that there’s plenty of beer in the fridge*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Lamar laments to Lacey that they have 20 million dollars worth of equipment but can’t find them. We cut back to Nick who has Bela in a body bag and Bela says he doesn’t have a good feeling about this*

Warlock: Oh come on, how dumb do you think Lamar is? He won’t fall for that.

 

*Nick says the keyword is cherry coke. When he says cherry coke, shoot everything in sight except him. The SWAT guys are in the trunk. When he pops it, go*

Warlock: This….may not work.

 

*Lamar watches on the monitor as Nick arrives. Luther wants to see the president and Nick asks if he’s ever had a cherry coke. It takes a few seconds but Bela plugs Luther. Nick pops the trunk and the SWAT teamers take out the other guard.  Nick yells at Bela as they continue their way to Arwa 55*

Warlock: This makes me want a cherry coke.

 

*An alarm goes off as about 30 henchmen make their way toward Nick’s car*

Warlock: Jesus its 4 against 30, plus Lacey and Lamar….maybe Jack too.

 

*Nick’s team takes out 4 or 5 onrushing guards. Nick tells Bela to stay behind, he’s going to get Nadia*

Warlock: Mr. America hates splitting up.

*Swat Team dude takes out 5 more guys. The other SWAT dude and Nick start capping guys left and right. Lamar tells Lacey to go get Nadia*

Warlock: 8 minutes left, let’s end this.

 

*Backup arrives and a whole shootout commences. Nick starts capping guys*

Warlock: Ok come on, he’s a Hollywood stunt driver, not a former commando. His accuracy is way too good.

 

*Lamar corners and kills one of the SWAT teamers. Nick barges into the holding cell where Lacey has Nadia at gunpoint. Nick tells her to drop the gun, its all over. Lacey says its never over. Bela walks in and she taunts him to put down the gun. Bela says ladies first. Lacey shoots Bela and Nick pistol whips her. Nadia grabs Lacey’s gun and Bela is hit in the chest just above the heart. Nick says “You’re not gonna die you crusty old bastard, let’s go.”

Warlock” Yeah, that looks above the heart, he should be good.

 

*Bela “Some fuckin plan Nick.”

Warlock: Hey it almost worked.

 

*Lamar and 2 henchmen corner Nick, Nadia and Bela. Lamar “If I’m going down, least I’ll have the pleasure of taking you out first.” Bella screams “Cherry coke” and kamikazes the trio. He kills the two henchmen but Lamar shoots him twice and Nick in the shoulder. Nick grabs Nadia’s gun and unloads into Lamar, killing him*

Warlock: Goodnight dick.

 

*Nadia grabs Nick and leads him outside where the president’s men await. Nick is patched up in an ambulance as Carlson jumps in. Carlson “How ya doin partner?” Nick “I’m sorry.” Carlson “Its alright, worse things have happened to presidents.”

Warlock: Don’t go into a playhouse.

 

*Carlson without actually saying so says they can reduce his prison sentence. He grabs the moneybag and says he can have it. Nick hands him the watch back and Carlson leaves*

Warlock: Wow, that would never happen. They’d confiscate the bag.

 

*Nadia says he loves him and they kiss. End credits*

Warlock: What happened to Lacey? Did she get arrested? What happened to Jack? Awww fuck it.

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average

 

*Warlock rises from the kitchen table*

Warlock: That was pretty average. Lot of decent things, action was good, acting was good…storyline was iffy but for a B movie that was fun to sit through. Would have loved to have seen Roy Scheider start kicking ass but oh well. Its worth taking a look if you’ve got two hours to kill and nothing else is on. That about wraps up another IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE, have a pleasant evening.

 

 

202. The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009)

*The Warlock and Mr. America are marching around the lair in a circle, The Warlock’s wearing an Adidas New England Patriots #12 Tom Brady jersey, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. Mr. America is wearing a Nike New England Patriots #87 Rob Gronkowski jersey. They’re pointing their index fingers in the air after the New England Patriots defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers 36-17 in the AFC Championship Game*

Warlock: WE’RE NUMBER ONE! WE’RE NUMBER ONE! WE’RE NUMBER ONE!

*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner wearing standard attire*

Neyz: Will you guys cut it out? Its just a game.

Warlock: Just a game??

America: Howwwww dareeee youuuuuu!

Neyz: They still have to win the Superbowl.

Warlock: Yeah don’t remind me.

America: Our bet still stands, Warlock.

Warlock: Yeah but I got two weeks of freedom beforehand and I’m gonna celebrate!

Neyz: Oh lovely.

Warlock: In fact, its movie time!

Neyz: Wait what? You put me through a 3 hour football game and now you’re gonna make me watch a movie?

Warlock: Oh quit your whining, its a Rob Zombie movie.

*America sits on the left side of the couch*

America: House of 1,000 Corpses?

Warlock: No.

Neyz: Devil’s Rejects?

Warlock: No.

America: Then what?

Warlock: The Haunted World of El Superbeasto.

America and Neyz: What??

*Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*

Warlock: Its only 77 minutes long, you can deal. So let’s begin.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A washed-up luchador and a super-spy investigate Nazi zombies, a nefarious scientist, and a stripper with a Satanic birthmark.”

America: This feels like Rob Zombie’s tribute to Scooby Doo.

Neyz: And if it is a pentacle, I’m going to scream.

*Old style Frankenstein opening for credits*

Neyz: This is your chance to go pee.

America: Go pee?????

*El Superbeasto (Tom Papa) and Luke St Luke (Ken Foree) yell at big breasted women. El Superbeasto hires hot women*

Warlock: Quiet on the set.

America: Big spicy meatball man! And action!

*Naked lady is scared of Superbeasto. He speaks in fake Italian*

Warlock: Ah shut up a ya face.

*El Superbeasto does 3 way scene with two hookers*

America: The hell?

*Two girls turn into demons with pentacles on their foreheads*

Neyz: I KNEW IT! Fucking A.

*Luke says its time to leave*

Warlock: The werewolf bit him in the ass. Time to hit the titty bar.

*Superbeasto hits up the titty bar.Gerard the Exterminator (Harland Williams) sprays bats. We get a montage of Superbeasto’s backstory with a musical number*

Warlock: Hahahaha oh my god its me.

Neyz: No its NOT.

*Superbeasto runs over Michael Myers who complains. The disco version of Beethoven’s 5th plays*

Warlock: HAhaha.

*Nazi werewolves do their march. Suzi-X (Sheri Moon Zombie) storms the nazi palace by herself.and steals Hitler’s head and escapes. Murray (Brian Posehn) escorts Suzi to safety. Suzi gets her own theme song*

America: Weeeeeeee

Warlock: I sniffed her ass.

Neyz: You did NOT!

*Suzi kills a bunch of sharks*

Warlock: Jaws is gonna be pissed.

*Superbeasto watches his own commercial*

Warlock: This guy is so spastic.

America: Y0u know what would have been fitting for this movie to follow?

Warlock: What?

America: If we watched Heavy Metal before this.

Warlock: Good point.

*Dr Satan (Paul Giamanti) goes on a rant*

Warlock: Pie a la mode!

Neyz: Even on the can!

*Dr Satan buys King Kong’s corpse*

Warlock: That explains the opening.

Neyz: Really really scary.

Warlock: Yokozuna just missed a leg drop.

America: What? Oh…okay.

*Naked asses have Satan’s sign*

Warlock and America: Woahhhhhhhh

Neyz: Ugh.

*Backside Meatpole Ride plays*

Warlock: You’re loving this aren’t you?

Neyz: No comment.

*Velvet Von Black (Rosario Dawson) performs by taking her top off.Warlock and America do a cartoon eye bulge*

Neyz: You two…ugh.

*Velvet Von Black song*

Warlock: I’m digging the soundtrack.

*Satan sees the 666 mark on Velvet’s ass. He says bring her to him*

Warlock: Send him to meeeeeee!

*Actual footage of animals are shown*

Warlock: Awww der Smittens.

Neyz: This movie is like Ren and Stimpy.

*Otto (Tom Kenny) talks to Elevator dude*

Neyz: Hahaha.

Warlock: That’s not me.

America: Ah finally.

*Otto goes to kidnap Velvet. Superbeasto goes to visit her with a beer hat on*

Warlock: Hahaha I love the hat.

*Superbeasto enters Velvet’s room and sees Otto trying to rape Velvet. He says “Should I leave or join in?”

Neyz: That was not right!

America: Is he gonna sing the Thomas The Tank Engine Theme?

*Superbeasto hears Velvet struggling and goes back to save her. Otto gets away*

Neyz: What the fuck?

*Velvet leaves a trail of cigarettes for Superbeasto to find. Velvet farts in Otto’s face*

Neyz: Hahahaha

*Superbeasto has to choose between wings and Velvet*

Neyz: This guy is so retarded.

*Beasto hands a cd of crank calls*

Warlock: I’m not the king of the forest.

America: What a dickhead.

*Suzi fights Nazi with a Beatles-esque song*

Warlock: That IS clever.

America: Like how the song is narrating what’s happening.

Warlock: Rock on, one time for Ringo.

*Suzi and Murray are surrounded by Nazi’s*

Warlock: Vhen Ze Furher sez, ve is the master race….

America: We heil! *farts* heil *farts* right in the fuerher’s face!

*Beasto helps Suzi fight the nazi’s and needs her help rescuing Velvet*

Warlock: Tool shed

America: Vertical bacon

*Suzi warns Beasto if he’s just in it to fuck Velvet she’s gonna kick his ass*

Warlock: Worddddddd

Neyz: Why does this guy remind me of Handel’s Messiah?

*Hitler’s head blows and all the nazi’s with it*

Warlock: Why didn’t Frankie D do that?

*Otto corrects Velvet’s grammar. The elevator dude bores everyone*

Warlock: I’m going to sleep now.

America: ZZZZZZZZZz!!!!!

*Velvet farts again*

Warlock: Yes!

Neyz: You’re so gross.

America: Since when am I a hooligan?

*Beasto drives by the barrio*

Warlock: That’s how we do things in the barrio meng.

*Boss Rico (Danny Trejo) greets Superbeasto. He wants to play Twister*

Warlock: Left hand red, right foot yellow

America: Go fish.

*Otto says Velvet will make the perfect bride.Satan masturbates to Judy Gardland*

Warlock: What the fuck is this?

America: He’s fapping,

Neyz: He’s wanking.

*Otto interrupts Satan*

Warlock: Oof, blue balls.

*Superbeasto finds the Frankenstein wife getting eaten out by Burt (John Dimaggio)*

Warlock: Damn Burt.

*Otis Driftwood (Bill Moseley) and Varla (Tura Satana) talk*

Warlock: Hey look its Otis Driftwood.

Neyz: Oh my god, it is.

*Suzy shoots up the titty bar. Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig) grabs Suzi by the ass. She squeezes his hand till it bleeds with her ass*

Neyz: I knew he’d be here too.

*Satan sees Superbeasto coming*

Warlock: What’s the big stinkeroo?

America: For more information on Coliseum Video releases…..

*Suzi kills the worm after he gives up Satan’s location*

Warlock: Well that was easy.

*Monsters attack Superbeasto*

Warlock: We got 40 minutes left.

Neyz: Domo Agrigato Mr. Roboto.

*Suzi calls Superbeasto*

Neyz: Tutti fuckin fruiti.

*Beasto “Fred Savage is that you?”

Warlock: No, ITS BEN! MUAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

*Satan dances to Rapper’s Delight. Warlock sings along word for word*

Neyz: Alright shut up, that’s enough.

*Superbeasto says Dr. Satan was the dorky freshman who had a crush on Superbeasto’s sister. Flashback to normal Steve Wachowski getting bullied by Superbeasto*

Warlock: So who’s the bad guy here?

*Suzi calls Beasto and Krongarr (Charlie Adler) knock out Superbeasto. Otto has to go wait on Velvet and bathe her*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

America: Bozo is Ozob spelled backwards.

*Otto goes down on Velvet by accident. He says it smells like bilge water from the Thames River*

Warlock: HAhahahahahaha

*Beasto is in prison with El Gato (Rob Paulsen). Beasto “Who gives a shit?”

Warlock: This is a temporary setback.

*Suzi gets naked*

Warlock: WOAHHHHHHHHHH

*Murray gets hard looking at Suzi. She tells him to cool it*

Warlock: That’s just being a dick tease.

*Beatles Zombie song again*

Warlock: Ringo Herr Starr

*Strange has 22 failed marriages as Otto narrates why they sucked*

Warlock: Hahahahaha “Ah my dry cleaning”

*Satan says nothing will stop him now. Beasto is afraid of Uncle Carl and rats. Uncle Carl shits out a whole bunch of rats*

Neyz: Oh this is so fucked up. I can’t even believe what I saw.

Warlock: There must be a world record amount of weed smoked in order to write this.

*Beasto breaks free and takes Gato with him. Meanwhile the zombies check out Suzi*

Warlock: I’m hard.

Neyz: You’re disgusting.

*Suzi finds 100 ways to insult nazi’s*

America: Here here!

*Zombies rise from the grave. Suzi corrects the nazis. Wilhelm is told to shut up. Meanwhile Satan tries to seduce Velvet. He says 50 percent of everything is hers if she marries him. She says he’s the man. Otto has to cut the ring off a finger*

Neyz: Hahaha

*Satan “Be my number 23?” Velvet says yes*

Warlock: The best Polish wedding ever!

America: This makes Boo Hoo The Donkey look like Child’s Play.

*Gato says they’re doomed. Beasto uses Gato as a nunchuck and the sound guy is late*

Warlock: El Superbeastooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

America: Goaallllllllllllllllllllllll

Neyz: Cut it out.

*Beasto hears the Polish music and goes to investigate. Meanwhile Suzi tells Murray to take care of the nazis, she’s going in. Otto ties Satan’s tie too tight*

Warlock, Neyz and America: Hahahahahaa

*Satan makes fun of Otto and Otto says they’re going to laugh at him. Meanwhile Kraggor takes attendance at the wedding*

Warlock: Honeycakes.

*Satan stares at Velvet’s ass as she talks jive to her girlfriends*

Warlock: I hate that.

*Satan shoots her with a stun ray Godfather style*

Warlock: Love the Michael Corleone tribute.

*Beasto buries his face in Suzi’s ass until he finds out its Suzi “Creepy..incest”

Warlock: Oh god, they’re brother and sister. I get it now.

*Suzi confronts Beasto. Beasto says Steve Wachowski is trying to marry Velvet. Suzi recognizes the name and retches*

Walock: Hahahahaha

*Dr Phibes plays the organ*

Warlock: Ha, love that reference.

*Minister asks Velvet if she’ll marry him. A ripoff of Carrie complete with song occurs. Even the song says this part is most retarded*

Warlock: Hahahaha I knew they were ripping off Carrie as soon as I saw the bucket of blood.

*Satan kills everyone in the room. Suzi comes out and shoots at Satan who’s now 15 feet tall and ripped. Satan grabs Suzi and takes off as the Benny Hill theme plays*

Warlock: Hahahahaa nice touch.

*Montage of Satan tearing shit up. Santa Claus is killed. Meanwhile Murray, Beasto and Velvet are on their way to save Suzi*

Warlock: This is nice isn’t it?

*Velvet gets on a megaphone “Put the ho down” Suzi tells Satan to put her down. They egt in each other’s faces. Boss Rico says “catfight”

Warlock: ALRIGHT TAKE YOUR BETS, WHO YA GOT?

Neyz: Suzi

America: Velvet

*Song *Masturabation’s good for your prostate*”

Neyz: Hahaha what the fuck??

*Suzi wins the fight*

Warlock: Neyz wins.

America: Damn.

*Satan says Suzi is the the new Mrs Satan. Velvet complains and Satan kills her dead.  Apparently according to the rulebook, killing his wife puts Satan back to normal*

Warlock: Hahaha

*Superbeasto gives Satan a wedgie and punches him in the face. He goes to kick Satan away and Otto suggest a new boot. Beasto boots Satan away as Mexican gang chases the nazi’s away. Meanwhile Satan gets run over by the nazi’s and mexicans*

Warlock: Oh sweet heaven.

*Murray and Suzi leave Beasto as he’s delivering a monologue. Morris Green (Daniel Roebuck) interviews Beasto as he goes into Loverboy’s Working For The Weekend*

Warlock: *sings it word for word*

*Murray finally gets some from Suzi*

Warlock: About time.

*Otto waits on an injured Velvet. She unscrews him and he screws her*

Warlock: She screwed him, he screwed her.

Neyz: Ugh.

*Elevator guy (Geoffrey Lewis) narrates the end credits*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Betty Sue Lou (Laraine Newman)

Warlock: Is that what Laraine looked like naked in 1975?

Neyz: Ewwww, probably not.

*Dick Soup plays*

Neyz: Dick soup!

America: *Taps foot*

*Otis kills the country singer, grabs Betty Sue and leaves*

Warlock: Otis my man!

*end credits end with disco number and James Bond tribute*

Warlock: Totally over now.

Mr. America’s Assessment: I don’t even know what to give it.

Neyzor Blades Assessment: The fuck did I just watch? Don’t make me put a number in there. The coolest part was seeing Devil’s Rejects characters.

The Warlock’s Assessment: How about a 5, will you two agree with that? Fuck it…I give it an 8. I fuckin loved it.

Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Brilliant.

 

*Warlock sings badly as he puts the song Superbeast on*

Warlock: HEYYYYY YEAHHH, IM THE ONE THAT YOU WANTES, HEYYYY YEAHHHH IM THE SUPERBEAST!

*all 3 headbang*

Warlock: HEYYYY YEAH, HAVE A PLEASANT EVENING, HEYYY YEAHHH!

201. Fire & Ice (1983)

*Thug D opens the door to the lair. He’s wearing a jean jacket with band patches on it, Twisted Sister t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*

D: Welcome to the motherfuckin lair. I’m your host Thug D.

*D walks inside*

D: Tonight, I’m in chargebof the movie tonight. After sitting through Bad Taste I decided to take matters into my own hands.

*The Warlock is sitting in the middle of the couch. He’s wearing a black leather jacket,  ROCKY t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a moonshine jug of root beer*

Warlock: Hey thats no fair, you liked Bad Taste.

D: Whatever, point being I’M picking the movie tonight.

Warlock: What did you have in mind oh exalted one?

D: Fire & Ice, the 1983 animated classic illustrated by legendary Frank Frazetta and directed by Ralph Bakshi.

Warlock: Awww man, I’m not into anime.

D: Its not anime you idiot.

Warlock: Oh ok, push play.

*D takes his seat in the recliner*

D: With pleasure.

 

*D reads the tag-line*

D: “A tiny village is destroyed by a surging glacier, which serves as the deadly domain for the evil Ice Lord, Nekron. The only survivor is a young warrior, Larn.”

Warlock: So…Conan The Libarian ripoff?

 

*Opening credits*

D: It was like they drew over the real actors for this kind of animation.

Warlock: So it kind of feels real?

D: Yes.

 

*Voiceover says Juliana (Eileen O’Neil) gave birth to a sorcerer named Nekron (Stephen Mendel) and together they took over the Ice lands. Jarol (Leo Gordon) fought back with his men at Fire Keep*

Warlock: Fire vs Ice

D: Doesn’t have the same ring to it.

 

*Glaciers go to attack. Larn (Randy Norton) is ready to fight. Nekron screams on his throne*

Warlock: What, is he taking a dump?

 

*Glacier wipes out North Village*

D: That’s what snowing was like back in the ice ages.

 

*Ice Warriors attack Fire Warriors*

Warlock: Well this movie is over.

D: Heh.

 

*Nekron facepalms on his throne*

Warlock: What’s he bitching about? He won!

 

*Julianna says North village has fallen and sends messengers to Fire Keep with surrender terms for Jarol to sign. She says give their regards to his daughter*

Warlock: The fuck?

 

*Ice Warriors pillage North Village*

Warlock: Pewww. Stinks.

 

*Blonde Fire Warrior is shown*

Warlock: HE MANNNNNNN.

 

*Blonde Warrior grabs a mace and wipes out the Ice Warrior with it. Another attacks and Blond impales him with a spear*

Warlock: Lot of violence in this movie, I like it.

D: Let me beat you with my stick! Ahhhhhhhh

 

*Ice Warriors attack Blondie who sprints away from a thrown axe. He throws the ace and kills the Ice Warrior but not before the Ice guy gropes his ass*

Warlock: Nice hand placement.

 

*Blondie climbs a tree and evades slinging arrows. He then pulls one guy off a tree and another falls on his own*

D: You guys are really bad at this.

 

*Blondie takes a swan drive off the mountain*

D: Weeeeeeeee

 

*Blondie hits every branch on the way down 100 feet below and survives. His name is Larn (Randy Norton) *

Warlock: Yeah, that’s….not realistic.

 

*Jarol tells Teegra (Cynthia Leake) her place is here, not at the meeting place*

D: The men here will appreciate you in your G string more than I could use you here.

 

*Teegra rolls around in her underwear complaining about being bored*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Taro (William Ostrander) and Jarol meet with the messengers and as expected, they refuse to surrender.

 

*A guard panther is killed by a thrown knife by invading Ice Warriors. Jarol and Taro kill the messengers as Teegra is captured and kidnapped. Tutor (Tamarah Park) is knocked out*

Warlock: That was actually a great battle plan. Distract the king and kidnap the princess.

 

*Ice Warrors take a bath next to Teegra and throw her in. She’s wearing a small bikini, they grunt at her*

Warlock: Wow, and this came out in 83.

D: Yeah Ralph Bakshi’s stuff was never for kids. It was mostly for adults.

 

*Teegra dives under water and swims away. The Ice Warriors follow her*

Warlock: Nice gratuitous ass shot.

 

*Ice Warriors bumble around searching and sniffing for Teegra*

Warlock: This reminds me of the Bad Taste aliens and how useless they were

 

*Some large bug grabs one of the Ice Warriors, they stab and kill it but then retreat. Teegra climbs out of the tree bark with her exposed ass in the air*

Warlock: Wow, you’re right about Ralph.

 

*Larn is asleep in the tree*

Warlock: HEY STU WAKE UP!

D: He can’t hear you dude.

 

*Larn spits at the warriors and trudges on*

D: You don’t get hand painted backgrounds like that anymore.

 

*Ice Warriors fight amongst themselves*

Warlock: Great, kill each other, the good guys don’t have to do shit.

 

*Teegra floats on a tree branch down river*

Warlock: How can these Neanderthals not pick up her scenet.

 

*A large dinosaur comes out of the water and flattens the Ice Warriors*

Warlock: Right out of King Kong.

 

*A lone Ice Warrior paddles over to Teegra but he’s wounded. He goes to attack with an axe and she stabs him with a stick*

Warlock: So much for Handsome Harold.

 

*Ice Warriors report to Juliana and she screams at them for letting Teegra escape. She kills one of them to make an example. Says it’ll happen to the rest of them if they fail*

D: Well if you hired henchmen that didn’t suck, you’d win.

 

*Larn encounters a wolfpack. He chicks a spear and kills one before screaming while pole vaulting over the rest of them*

Warlock: Just as annoying as the wolves in Red Dead Redemption.

 

*The wolves just give up and walk away*

Warlock: Well that was easy.

 

*Larn is at the ruins of an old compound. He eats one of the dead wolves*

Warlock: Doggie burger.

D: At least cook the damn meat.

 

*Larn lies down as Teegra sneaks up on him*

Warlock: This is gonna end well.

 

*Larn wakes up “What do you want?” She bites into the wolf bone. Larn “Well if you want it, take it.” Teegra “I am not a thief”

Warlock: Not a cook either.

D: You mean crook?

Warlock: No, cook.They’re eating the meat raw.

 

*Larn follows Teegra around*

Warlock: Who wouldn’t follow that ass?

 

*Teegra eats berries seductively, Larn follows her and eats berries too*

Warlock: Now what?

 

*Teegra and Larn kill a wolf and cook it together. Teegra “At night, I’m afraid”

Warlock: Of what?

D: And…..and???? Okay, we’re not gonna find out.

 

*Larn holds Teegra close by the fire. Next morning Teegra says she’s going home, he wants to go with her. She says he can come if he can behave himself. He acts like a monkey to make her laugh then falls into the water with her. He’s snatched by a giant octopus as Teegra swims to safety*

D: All kind of shit could kill you in those days.

 

*Larn grabs a stick and stabs the giant octopus in the eye. He is flung out of the water as the Ice Warriors capture Teegra*

D: Come with us wench!

 

*Larn is found by a guy wearing a cat mask*

Warlock: Peter Criss’ ancestor.

 

*Catman calls Juliana a “wolf bitch”

Warlock: What was this rated?

D: Probably R.

 

*Larn yells out for Teegra, Catman says they took her west. Catman is actually Darkwolf (Steve Sandor)*

Warlock: Now what?

 

*Ice Warriors get drunk and stumble around. Teegra grabs one of their knives and tries to cut her chain off*

Warlock: You can’t cut steel with a knife.

D: The fact no one has raped her yet is a miracle.

 

*Ice Warrior wakes up and she stabs and kills him with a knife*

Warlock: You CAN cut that haha.

 

*Teegra drags the corpse of the Warrior and they both fall off a cliff*

Warlock: Nice going asshole.

 

*Darkwolf and Larn plan to rescue Teegra. Darkwolf will distract the Warriors and Larn will get the girl*

Warlock: Heh, Krauser…go get de girl!

 

*Wolf fights off the Ice Warriors while Larn is tackled to the ground. Larn stabs and kill one of them. Wolf says they need to lead the Warriors on a goose chase so they can double back and save Teegra*

Warlock: BRILLIANT!

 

*Caveman with red hair finds Teegra and rips the chain off her. He carries her away. Meanwhile Jarol tells Taro to negotiate terms for Teegra’s release. Taro protests but Jarol says they have no choice*

Warlock: Sucks to be them.

 

*Caveman brings Teegra to Roleil (Elizabeth Lloyd Shaw) the caveman is Otwa (Micky Morton). Roleil hits on her as she passes out. She starts kissing up on her before taking a lock of her hair*

Warlock: This movie is all kinds of fucked up. I love it.

 

*Roleil freaks out when she finds out Teegra is wanted by Nekron, calling her a bitch. She says to Otwa to bring the Ice Warriors, say they can have her for a price*

Warlock: Somebody kill this greedy bitch.

 

*Wolf distracts the Ice Warriors and throws Larn off the cliff while tellig him to find the girl*

Warlock: Wowwwww.

 

*Otwa tells the Ice Warriors to follow him. Otwa stumbles back to the hut with a spear in his back. Monga (Big Yank) the leader of the Warriors kills Roleil and takes Teegra*

Warlock: So much for them.

D: Are all bad guys in this movie stumbling, bumbing buffoons?

 

*Larn finds Roleil’s skeleton who bitches about being dead. She says to avenge her by going to Akatar and killing Nekron*

Warlock: Why would she help him and how the…..nevermind.

 

*A ship sails to Akatar and Larn hops aboard. Meanwhile Julianna brings Teegra to Nekron. She wants a child to carry on the legacy and Nekron says he doesn’t need children. Teegra tries to cater to him but he’s completely not used to friendship. She goes to shake his hand and he extends his hand while laughing maniacally*

Warlock: Well that tickled his funnybone.

 

*Nekron “Woman…I spit on peace. I spit on you.”

Warlock: I spit on your grave!

 

*Nekron says the next time Julianna brings him a slut, he’ll squash her like a bug. He says to get the garbage out of here*

Warlock: Must be a homo then.

D: Heh.

 

*Ice Warriors celebrate as Taro’s party arrives on horseback*

Warlock: This isn’t gonna end well either.

 

*Larn makes his way up the Ice Palace wall. He kills a guard as Taro makes his surrender to Nekron. Nekron laughs at him as Larn makes his way inside. Nekron taunts Taro by insulting Teegra and he freezes Taro in place. Nekron then uses his power to make Taro kill his own party*

D: This guy is the legend of the bad Smurfs.

 

*Taro impales and kills himself, falling next to Teegra in the pit she was in. She screams “NOOOOOOOOO!”

Warlock: So much for the party.

 

*Larn shoots an arrow at Nekron who dodges it. “Oh no I don’t think so.” He freezes him in place and says to the Warriors to bring him closer. Nekron asks why he’s there. They sword fight as Larn says he killed his people. Nekron says they had to kill a lot of people lately*

Warlock: Little early for the one on one fight.

 

*Larn is thrown in a prison as Teegra goes to bust him out. He tries to talk her out of it*

Warlock: That won’t work.

 

*A guard investigates and Larn beats the shits shit out of him, running out of the prison cell. The warriors follow him*

Warlock: Don’t let him get away!

 

*Larn collapses in the snow as Darkwolf saves him by taking out the onrushing Ice Warriors. Darkwolf brings Larn to Jarol. He reports Taro is dead but Teegra is alive.  Darkwolf needs the dragonhawks to get in and destroy Nekron*

Warlock: Sounds like a plan.

D: What do you really think?

Warlock: We’re fucked.

 

*Fire Warriors are ambushed by Ice Warriors, only Darkwolf and Larn make it through the onslaught. Nekron laughs and Larn’s pterodactyl crashes but Larn is alive. He rushes in the palace. Darkwolf’s pterodactyl is shot down but he makes in the palace and wipes out several Warriors. Teegra wrestles with Julianna*

Warlock: Catfight!

 

*Larn takes out the guards and hugs Teegra as Nekron keeps laughing. Darkwolf screams at him*

Warlock: Little early for the final battle.

 

*Nekron freezes Darkwolf in place but Wolf resists. Nekron asks why won’t Wolf die*

D: Because I’ve got the power of Grayskull.

 

*Wolf buries his axe in the side of Nekron*

D: That’s right bitch, check yoself!

 

*Julianna runs out and screams*

D: The fuck is that supposed to do?

 

*Wolf buries his axe in Nekron’s chest. He screams and the glaciers get larger, Jarol gives the order to flood the land with lava*

Warlock: Fire meets ice.

D: This was definitely meant for teenagers.

Warlock: JUMP IN THE FIREEEEE.

D: Title of the movie makes sense now.

 

*Julianna falls to her death when the glacier melts. Teegra and Larn jump on the crashed Pterodactyl, wake it up and fly to safety. Later on Larn wakes up Teegra. A lone Ice Warrior crawls toward them and Larn goes to kill him with  a rock. Teegra stops him and says its over*

Warlock: Yeah, they’ll die out on their own.

 

*Teegra and Larn hug as the skies clear. End credits*

Warlock: That’s….it?

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: For it being innovative for 1983 standards I’ll give it a 6 out of 10. Animated movies back then were kiddie stuff, this was NOT kiddie stuff. Bad language, half naked women…little girl on girl action. Definitely worth a look. The rotoscoping was shit but I don’t give a fuck.

Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 7 out of 10. Its definitely dated that’s for sure but I do appreciate that they went for the realistic approach. I loved the artwork and you don’t see hand painted backgrounds anymore. It had a Conan feel to it, I dug it.

Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very Good.

 

*D rises from the recliner*

D: That was good stuff. Much better than most animated movies at the time. I still don’t know how it wasn’t rated R for the violence and nudity. That’s it this time on the Realm,  have a pleasant evening.

200. FDR American Badass (2012)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black, Men’s Warehouse suit along with white undershirt, black tie, black dress shoes and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates and shoots fire in the sky before dimming the lights on the street, then walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight is a very special night here at the Realm. Tonight is our special TWO HUNDRETH EPISODE party!

*Mr. America is on the left side of the couch wearing a tan, Joseph A Bank suit with brown clogs, tie and aviator shades*

America: I can’t believe we’ve lasted this long without killing you.

Warlock: Episode 50 was Rabid Grannies, episode 150 was Pokemon and we all know episode 100 was Neyzor Blades’ favorite, Let My Puppets Come.

*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner wearing a black dress and dres shoes*

Neyz: Don’t even fucking remind me. That was the worst shit I’ve ever seen.

Warlock: Oh but I found a way to top it. I scoured the globe to find something that could be on the same level of Let My Puppets Come, not so much the porno but the insanity of it. I have found a worthy successor.

America: And what is that?

Warlock: FDR: American Badass!

Neyz and America: What???

Warlock: Yes, that’s right. Just like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, we get FDR: American Badass.

America: Oh god dammit.

*Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get our 200th episode started. Its time for FDR: American Badass.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “An outrageous,  untold true story of our country’s greatest monster-hunting president.”

America: You mean Van Helsing has competition?

Neyz: This is retarded.

 

*Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Barry Bostwick) gives a speech that he’s a badass and asks if his fellow Americans are too*

Warlock: Hahaha

Neyz: You think the real Roosevelt would be rolling in his grave right now?

 

*Frankie D and 3 hunters tell stories about Teddy. Then they spot a wereworlf and tells everyone to run*

Neyz: What IS that?

 

*Louis (Bruce McGill) and Frankie look on in horror as Senator Bronson (Richard Riehle) is killed by the werwolf*

Warlock: He didn’t jump to conclusions enough.

 

*Louis says run and the other hunter is killed. Wolf throws guts at Louis. Frankie says they’re gonna old school and puts up his fists*

Warlock: Hahaha put em up!

America: Wow, he swept the leg.

Neyz: Where do you FIND this shit?

 

*Frankie kills werewolf with silver bullets but is bit in the leg*

Warlock: I think he’s gonna make it.

 

*Elenor (Lin Shaye) cries at his bedside as Frankie wakes up. Louis “How do you feel?” Frankie “Like a bag of dicks at a lesbian convention”*

Warlock: Hahahahahahaha

 

*Louis pulls a gun on the doctor*

Warlock: HE’S GOT A GUN!

 

*The doctor informs Frankie that he has polio and can’t feel his legs anymore*

Warlock: So that’s how he got polio in real life?

America: I’m gonna have to hit you?

 

*Doctor tells him he’ll never walk again. Elenor goes crazy and Frankie tells her to shut the fuck up. Doc says they got him in time before his dick got it too. Frankie thanks Louis for that*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Louis pulls a gun on Doc outside and Doc shows him a dead corpse with a hard on. Louis “What the fuck bro?” Doc “Oh, wrong one”*

Neyz: Who wrote this fuckin thing?

 

*The Doc shows Louis the REAL corpse and he’s a German spy with a swastika tattoo. Louis tells him not to tell anyone and threatens him. He says he had a bad day*

America: He had a bad day?

 

*Frankie looks at the wheelchair and says he doesn’t know if he can live in that thing. Frankie then gets an idea to run for president when a crowd chants outside and throws a bra at Elanor*

Warlock: Hahahaha

Neyz: No, I don’t believe it.

 

*Nurse walks in and says a 10 year old boy named Timmy (David Chandler) wants to see him, he has polio too. Timmy stutters and FDR “Oh Jesus, am I gonna stutter too?”

Warlock and America: Hahahaha

 

*Timmy pushes the chair over to FDR who gets in it. He thanks Timmy and Timmy says he should run for president as he’s the only one who can save the country*

Warlock: Right in the middle of the Depression.

 

*Frankie is interviewed outside and he makes fun of Abraham Lincoln (Kevin Sorbo). He then says “Marco…..Polio!”

America: Wowwwwww

Neyz: Come onnnnnn

 

*The reporter (Eric Bruskotter) asks what its like to be invalid. FDR says conservatives have been invalid for years. He goes on a speech saying he’ll take on the country’s problems like he did the werewolf. He runs for president*

Warlock: I’d vote for him.

 

*Frank smacks Elanor’s ass and Louis says she needs to sit on his lap because there’s a dead werewolf in the trunk*

America: I love the Adam West style scene cut.

 

*Louis tells Eleanor to get her shit together*

Neyz: Hahahah

 

*Louis says there are more werewolves out there*

America: Of course there are. There would be no movie if he shot the only one.

 

*Louis asks Frankie about the werewolf and Frankie says to put it in the kids room*

America and Neyz: Hahahaha

 

*Louis says there hasn’t been an attack since Lincoln. Then he has to keep a lid on the German werewolves because Hoover would use it in his run against him*

Warlock: Yeah Hoover had no chance in hell.

 

*Black and white montage of Frankie*

Neyz: You gonna vote?

America: Hell yeah.

 

*Frankie goes on campaign trail*

Neyz: Was it the Pan-American?

 

*Frankie sings Bon Jovi to the coal miners*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Cleavon Buford (Ross Patterson) and his wife Marietta (Keri Lynn Pratt) introduce themselves. Marietta says she’ll go down on Frankie and Louis. Louis “Excuse me?”

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

 

*Cleavon invites them in for moonshine and Frankie says “Sold!”

Warlock: Hahahha even better.

 

*Cleavon says the town is called Warm Springs because “injun” girls get their first period and go into the water to wash themselves*

Warlock: Grosss.

 

*Louis doesn’t like the black man with a chalkboard, calls Cleavon racist and the black man Curtis (Ahmed Best) insults him up and down*

America: Wow.

 

*Frankie and Cleavon hit up the springs. Cleavon said he took his nephew Jimmy Carter on a camping trip and got bit by a werewolf*

Neyz: This guy reminds me of Lady T only male.

 

*Cleavon introduces Peaches (Vanessa Vander Pluym) and yuks it up with Cleavon, Marietta and Louis. Next frame Frankie offers him a vice president….of hot tubs job*

Warlock: I want the minister of defense job.

 

*Cleavon makes an epic speech about Frosty and Louis looks bewildered*

America: This guy’s nuts.

 

*Cleavon says the state of Georgia is full of re-pubes*

Warlock: Im stealing that line.

 

*Curtis plays street ball after Frankie leaves*

Warlock: The inspiration for the Globetrotters.

 

*James (Cody McMains) says Frankie has won the presidency. The radio says the entire country except for Maine voted for Frankie*

Warlock: Mainers, gotta love em.

 

*Eleanor, James,Frankie and Louis go crazy in celebration. Dan Rutherford (Rob Lathan) walks in and says Woodrow Wilson went nuts too but James taking a dump in a vase isn’t good*

Warlock: That’s gross.

Neyz: I’m gonna puke.

 

*Actual footage of Roosevelt’s parade*

Warlock: Heh, the actual footage used.

 

*Adolph Hitler (Jesse Merlin) in full werewolf form says turn that scheizer off*

Neyz: That means shit.

Warlock: Nooooooo.

 

*Hitler calls Mussolini (Paul Ben-Victor) who’s a werewolf too. Mussolini says the last thing they needed was a swinging dick in the White House*

Neyz: Hahahhaa

 

*Mussolini calls Hirohito (Jamison Yang) who also is in full werewolf mode. Mussolini says he’s gonna infect the entire US through alcohol*

Warlock: Damn, that would have worked.

 

*Hirohito gets mad at Mussolini and Hitler for laughing at sake*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*George Freeman (Deon Richmond) is the butler Missy (Robin Sydney) is the secretary. FDR tells George to rig the “bitch” up so he can speak to the nation*

Warlock: This movie is fucked.

 

*George spins a record for Frankie as he makes his State of the Union Address*

Warlock: Spin it!

 

*Frankie “Hoover was great, they’ll probably name a Dam or a vaccum cleaner after him”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Frankie says he’s ending prohibition. “This is ‘The Delano’ signing off. Louis “Jesus Frank, what was that?”

Warlock: Hahaha.

 

*Missy loved her speech but the FBI needs to speak to him. Albert Einstein (Ed Metzger) and Douglas MacArthur (Ray Wise). MacArthur says he can’t end prohibition because the booze is poisoned*

Warlock: MacArthur is on the case.

 

*MacArthur gives away Hitler’s plot, Frankie says he’ll take care of it himself and pulls out a gun. Einstein has invented the Delano 2000. Louis “Oh shit!” Its got machine gun and rocket launchers. Louis “Regulators, mount up!”

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Mobsters make fun of Frankie D.  He takes them out with his machine gun wheelchair*

Neyz: That’s so cool though.

 

*Frankie says to the survivor to go tell his boss that if he sees another werewolf he’s gonna blow them all away himself*

Warlock: Heh.

America: Love how the rocket launches blew up the whole restaurant.

 

*Montage features topless woman*

Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time

 

*Mussolini calls Hitler and says FDR iced everybody. Hitler is playing beer pong with a big tittie girl (Nea Iacofano)*

Warlock: I’d be deadly at that.

 

*Hirohito is called and Mussolini says their plan didn’t work. Hirohito gets a package from Frankie with a letter that says “Don’t ever send this pussy shit over here again XO FDR”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

Neyz: That looks like my handwriting.

 

*Hirohito “SON OF BEACH!” Hirohito wants to go to war. Hitler agrees and he’ll start with Austria. Hirohito says he’ll take China. Mussolini says Ethiopia and Hitler says “Fuckin pussy”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Cleavon and Marietta walks in and MacArthur denies that they met until Winston Churchill (Paul Wilson)

Warlock: Its one of the Bob’s from Office Space.

 

*Churchill “This drink is as stiff as a dead man’s cock!”

Warlock: Did Churchill really say that?

America: NOOOOO!!!!

 

*Churchill calls the Irish “potato fuckers”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Frankie says he can’t go to war without a cause but will lend Churchill weapons. Cleavon will lease Churchill the wife*

Warlock: To the hot tub!

 

*Graphic of Poland being invaded. Werewolves advancing toward England in 1939. Next frame is Missy reading Churchill that he needs weapons and Marietta*

Warlock: I’ll take the girl.

 

*Frankie says he’s been trying to stay out of the damn war. Missy massages his legs and he moans*

Warlock: What do you think Neyz?

Neyz: Stop asking me questions!

 

*Frankie cums just from having his legs massaged*

Warlock: America’s getting off on this.

America: HARDLY! What the hell?

 

*Eleanor walks in to Missy licking ketchup and mustard off his legs. Eleanor says she’s gonna strong arm a ho, then backhands Missy*

Neyz: Yessss!!!

 

*Missy runs away*

Neyz: Awww poor Hillary Clinton.

America: What???

 

*Eleanor “If anyone asks you what happened, just say a rainbow took a shit on your legs*

Warlock: Strong arm a ho.

America: I don’t ever remember news reports of Hillary slapping Monica Lewinsky.

 

*Eleanor gags while trying to save legs*

Neyz: Hahahaha

Warlock: Dammit Janet!

 

*Frankie D “I must be the only president in US history that hasn’t gotten laid in the office and this is my third term!” He then says he has to go tend to an entire nation*
Warlock: Yeah!

Neyz: Don’t push it.

 

*Frankie “Who the fuck is this?” MacArthur introduces Dwight D Eisenhower (Robert Catrini) who Frankie attacks*

Neyz: What was that about?

 

*MacArthur says they need to go to war and Churchill is next. Frankie says he needs to think about it. Louis, Dwight and Doug form a battle plan with Frankie’s go-ahead*

Warlock: I want his hat.

 

*George walks in and tells him to smoke George Washington’s weed. He fires up a blunt and trips that he’s seeing Lincoln. Lincoln hits the weed with Frankie*

Neyz: WHAT am I watching?

 

*Lincoln takes a hit and tells Frankie to come with him. They lay on the roof of the white house and hit the weed. Lincoln says “Mary Todd had to go to that FUCKIN play?”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Frankie “Shit pickle”

Warlock: Shitpickleshitpicklepicklepickle shiitttttpickle

 

*Lincoln says he saw him with the secretary and laughs with him. Frankie asks how Lincoln dealt with werewolves. Abraham says they’re telepathic. Lincoln says they attacked Washington. Frankie “They attacked G Thang too?” Frankie asks why they didn’t attack Woodrow Wilson and Lincoln says “That was a bitch war, we really didn’t need to be in that.”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Lincoln says do what’s right in his heart. Lincoln “I can FUCKING fly!”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Hot dog vendor douses himself in condiments*

America: Oh god.

 

*Black man fucks a white girl. Lincoln “Emancipate that ass!”

Warlock: Word.

 

*Uncle Sam the bald eagle will take Frankie home as he comes down from his trip. He says get MacArthur on the horn. We cut to June 5, 1944 as Eisenhower goes over the Normandy plan*

Warlock: Is that really what happened in Normandy?

America: Ughhhh. That’s a German Fokker DR1…not an American plane.

Neyz: When was Normandy.

Warlock and America: June 6th, 1944!!!!

Neyz: Geez sorry.

 

*Frankie gives a speech to the troops*

America: That’s a C46 Commando.

Warlock: Accurate for the time?

America: Not exactly. That model came out AFTER Normandy.

 

*Plane is shown*

America: Bring it on, right here! See? You made me miss it. That nose cone is a British Super Marine Spitfire*

Warlock: How do you know?

America: …..one the prop, two the eliptical and three the engine.

Warlock: Okay.

Neyz: I know kayaks.

America: I never said ANYTHING about kayaks.

 

*Wing says R-31*

Warlock: Its a T-34

Neyz: Its a T-1000

America: Nooooo!

 

*Frankie says he’s going to lead the attack himself. The troops all salute*

Warlock: I’m convinced.

 

*Frankie says to kick some werwolf ass tomorrow*

America: The Germans tried to invent their own Spitfire jet

Warlock: Yeah, and they ended up building a TV instead.

America: You have NO IDEA what you’re talking about.

 

*Louis wants to go with Frankie, Frankie says no. He says if anything happens to him, take care of Missy. Louis “Word!” Frankie “Wordddddd!!!!”

Neyz:That’s my favorite line in the whole movie.

 

*Frankie loads himself and the Delano 2000 onto a fighter jet*

Warlock: Ready to kick some ass?

America: Sure.

 

*Churchill says Frankie is ready for takeoff. Churchill “If I wasn’t drunk and blind, I’d be up there with you.”

America: A Navion, and on the left is a T-6 Texan

Warlock: That’s an S-5 Houston.

America: Throw something at him will you?

*Neyz hits Warlock with paper towels*

Warlock: Hey!

 

*George puts the radio on for Eleanor. Frankie makes inappropriate jokes*

Warlock: This is hilarious.

 

*George “Sorry, I’ll go back to standing in the corner and being black.”

Warlock: Haha great line.

 

*Mussolini and Hitler try to shoot down Frankie*

Warlock: I don’t remember Hitler and Mussolini being on the same battlefield, do you?

America: HELL FUCKING NO!

 

*Frankie shoots and kills Mussolini. Hitler shoots down Frankie. Frankie says he’s gotta bail out and the radio goes dead. Eleanor is distraught*

Neyz: Awwww.

 

*Eleanor tries to maintain composure while requesting the bottle that Mr.Daniels sent over*

Warlock: Good ol Jack.

 

*Eleanor downs the whole bottle*

Warlock: Hahaha Lin Shaye is awesome.

 

*Missy cries too*

Warlock: There has to be a Monica Lewinsky joke in here somewhere.

 

*Cleavon pops out of a box and says he’s there to help*

Neyz: They’d be flying all over the place.

 

*Cleavon opens the hatch and they both jump out. Cleavon has no parachute. Frankie says he’s a hero and people will know that. Cleavon says take care of his wife for him and Frankie says “No doubt.”

Warlock: He died serving his country.

 

*Frankie “You got The Delano motherfuckerrrrr” Next frame is the radio saying Frankie may be killed. Eleanor “Turned that god damned thing off* Frankie then rolls in “Mussolini and Hitler, I capped those bitches!”

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Eleanor goes to punch Frank and he holds her close. Frankie “Nobody gonna take down the Delano.”

Neyz: That’s me.

 

*Frankie gets on the radio. “My fellow Americans, this is your president Franklin Delano Roosevelt.”Louis “FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT MOTHERFUCKER!” End credits*

Warlock: Perfect.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3.5. Far reaching mindless entertainment.

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I hate when you make me do the numbers. It was pretty stupid but it wasn’t THE stupidest. So…6.

The Warlock’s Assessment: That was one of the stupidest movies I’ve ever seen but one of the most hilarious. I laughed my god-damned ass off. I give at 7 for pure stupidity alone

Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was a fun, patriotic movie. Frankie D was a legit badass, I’m a believer now.

America: What??? This movie was about as accurate as your shooting in Ace Combat 4! It was more inaccurate than Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

Neyz: Yeah really, the fuck was this shit?

Warlock: Word….

Neyz: Word……

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

 

 

 

199. Bad Taste (1987)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, SORROW CREEK: CITY LIMITS t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce bottle of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock makes lightning strike before walking inside*

Warlock: Last July I watched Dead Alive with Mr. America, one of Peter Jackson’s most famous movies. Tonight Thug D and I catch one of his very first flicks.

*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with band patches on it, a Judas Priest t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*

D: I’ve seen most of his work, don’t think I’ve seen this one.

Warlock: The movie was called Bad Taste and it came out in 1987. It was filmed on weekends and took 3 years to make because Jackson had almost no budget.

D: Did not know that, wonder if its good with no budget.

Warlock: Well that’s what we’re about to find out.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So without any further delay its time for Bad Taste.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “The population of a small town disappears and is replaced by aliens that chase human flesh for their intergalactic fast food chain”

D: Hahaha well, sounds better than Scary Movie part 55

 

*Movie opens with guy calling 9-11 as a mechanical finger listens*

D: Dr Claw here.

 

*Guy lights up with a burnt hand*

Warlock: Smokin a blunt.

 

*Guy walks after another guy with an axe*

Warlock: Hahahaha this is the worst chase scene ever.

 

*Guy shoots other guy twice in the head, blowing it half off*

D: Guy’s got a splitting headache.

Warlock: Oh beautiful.

 

*Derek (Peter Jackson) says he’d hate to be the guy to have the clea the mess up*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Derek radios the guy with the gun, now named Barry (Pete O’Herne) who tells him they have a specimen to work with*

D: Peter’s got his Harry Potter scarf working.

 

*Barry says the town is deserted and there’s supposed to be 75 people*

Warlock: That’s not so bad.

 

*Barry finds blood by a payphone*

Warlock: A planet of Charlie Mansons hahaha.

 

*Guy pulls up to Kasorock*

D: Castlerock.

Warlock: Nice one.

 

*Barry says to watch out for The Collector. Suddenly he’s attacked and thrown in a shed. He escape but 100 guys run out after him*

Warlock: There’s your missing townspeople.

 

*Derek radios Ozzy (Terry Porter) and Frank (Mike Minett) who listens to Rock Lies by Madlight*

Warlock: Good song.

 

*Frank and Ozzy says they’ll be there in 45 minutes. Frank says not to touch the aliens, Derek says Barry blew his head off. They’re all members of B.R.E.A.D*

Warlock: Hahahaha Bread.

 

*Derek says he’ll give him a bird’s eye view of an intergalactic wanker*

Warlock: Hahahaha I need to steal that line.

 

*Derek goes to investigate a fallen alien*

Warlock: Wow, this came out before Harry Potter, they stole it from him.

 

*Derek taunts the fallen alien Robert (Also Peter Jackson) while Barry hides from the other aliens*

Warlock: I love how they don’t explain how the aliens got there.

 

*Aliens use one of them as a battering ram to bust open the shed where Barry is*

Warlock: Hahahaha the Shemp Howard treatment.

 

*Derek jams a spike through the foot of Robert and an alien yell alerts the rest to where Derek is. All the aliens grab large mallets except the battering ram who grabs a tiny hammer*

Warlock: Hahaha tiny hammer.

 

*Barry drops his radio and has to go back and get it. He radios Derek that the aliens are coming. He says to run for it. Derek “I’m a Derek, Derek’s don’t run!”

Warlock: Derek’s don’t run you know.

D: They don’t?

 

*Upbeat music plays as the blue shirt aliens make their way to Derek’s location. He pulls out an Uzi*

Warlock: Oh Jesus.

 

*Derek unloads a whole clip into the tree*

Warlock: What does he think this is, Predator?

 

*Derek pretends to shoot the alien making “ack ack” noises and the alien sells it like he really was shot*

Warlock: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

 

*Derek shoots and kills the alien with a reloaded uzi, it falls on him and Derek buries the uzi into the chest to shoot two behind it*

Warlock: From Dusk Till Dawn stole that from this.

 

*Derek shoots the grass*

Warlock: Another earthworm bites the dust.

 

*A fourth alien sneaks up on Derek who falls over a fence*

D: Dude just fuckin run for gods sakes.

 

*Two aliens attack Derek who manages to run to the edge of a cliff*

D: If you notice how dangerous the area is they’re running around in?

 

*Alien swings and misses with the sledgehammer*

Warlock: Swing and a miss, struck em out!

 

*Derek uses his head to load a clip and shoot one alien who digs the sledgehammer into the other’s head. The first one’s arm falls off, the other just collapses*

Warlock: This really was filmed on a shoestring budget but so far its making me laugh my ass off.

 

*Robert attacks Derek and kicks him down the cliff, falling to his death*

D: So much for him.

 

*Robert attacks Barry next but Barry runs off. Meanwhile The Collector shows up listening to Chopsticks*

Warlock: 8th grade music class.

 

*The Collector carries his B.R.E.A.D. back as Frank and Ozzy set up a road block. Barry then radios the duo. Derek wiped out 5 aliens but he’s dead. Barry says he’s going to chase Robert*

Warlock: Half hour into it and Derek’s dead, now what?

 

*Collector fumbles around town looking for someone to answer doors. He walks into Robert who’s eating the brain of one of the aliens with a spoon. He chases Collector away*

Warlock: Decent song.

D: Yeah it is.

 

*Collector gives Robert the finger*

Warlock: Hahahahahha

‘D: Does everybody trip in this?

 

*Collector fumbles for the keys and can’t get the car started as Robert approaches. So he rolls up the window instead. Robert drops a knife in Collector’s lap. He finally gets the car started and drives off with Robert still caught in the door. Robert breaks free but Collector drives off*

Warlock: No explanation of who that guy is?

 

*Barry spots a mansion in trees and sees Collector running for it. Collector knocks on the door as Robert bashes the car Collector was in. Collector wakes up with an apple in his mouth scotched taped on while in a cooking pot*

Warlock: Its not even duct tape, that’s scotch tape!

 

*Lord Crumb (Doug Wren) makes his appearance. He taunts Collector and says he’s tomorrow’s lunch. Meanwhile Derek wakes up*

Warlock: He’s alive.

D: Oh that’s bullshit.

 

*Derek spots some of his brain splattered on the rock so he picks it up and puts it back in his head*

D: Yeah you may want to get that looked at.

Warlock: That’s hilarious.

 

*Frank, Ozzy and Barry spy on the mansion and plan what they’re gonna do*

Warlock: There’s 80 thousand of them and 3 of us, I think we can take them.

 

*Ozzy, Frank and Barry get packed for battle with sentry guns. Frank says to shoot the bastards*

Warlock: I second on that.

 

*Lord Crumb says they are meeting in human form so they don’t take any chances. Tomorrow they return home. Meanwhile masked Frank, Ozzy and Barry get ready to storm the mansion*

Warlock: Oh isn’t this exciting?

 

*Lord Crumb says 6 of their brothers were murdered by some real arseholes*

Warlock: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

 

*Lord Crumb gives away that all the humans in town are stuffed in cardboard boxes. An alien walks in and Ozzy pulls his head off before kicking it out the window. Barry mops the blood on the floor*

Warlock: THE KICK IS UP AND ITS GOOOOOOOD!!!

D: Goalllllllllll!

 

*Frank disguises himself as the guard they just killed to infiltrate. Crumb is in charge of Crumb’s Country Delights*

Warlock: That would make a good band name.

 

*Crumb says the master plan is to sell human flesh to the intergalactic market and initiate a mass slaughter. Meanwhile Robert pukes green slime into a punch bowl held by Frank. Crumb drinks it*

Warlock: Mind if I eat?

 

*Everyone drinks from the bowl except Frank*

D:Let me have some of that Nickelodeon slime.

 

*Crumb continues to shill Sapien Burers as the bowl is given to Frank. He drinks from it*

Warlock: *Gags for real*

D: Jeez, no eating for you.

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Frank reports back to Barry and Ozzy, Ozzy knowing exactly what happened*

D: Couldn’t have been that bad if you had a second helping.

 

*The boys free The Collector and begin infiltrating the house*

Warlock: They’re infiltrating.

 

*The Collector is now known as Giles (Craig Smith). They spot two aliens playing patticake*

Warlock: Roger Rabbit would approve.

 

*The boys start shooting the place up. Giles asks if that’s all of them. Ozzy says there’s heaps more*

Warlock: Heaps is an Australian word.

 

*Derek comes to after getting shit on by a seagull. He gets in his car with Beatles cutouts in the front*

D: Heh, the Beatles.

 

*Barry, Frank and Ozzy shoot up the perimeter and all the guards outside. Lord Crumb grabs a gun*

Warlock: Half hour left, this can’t be the end.

 

*Frank is nearly wiped out by an unknown shooter. He blindly shoots into a tree and hides as 12 bodies fall out of the tree*

D: Pretty useless henchmen, all these guys.

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*The Cook attacks Ozzy and Giles. He punches out Giles and a one on fight occurs. Ozzy gets the upperhand but a second alien grabs him from behind. Lord Crumb puts a gun to Giles’ head. Ozzy flips up and Cook kills the Alien with a swipe. He then back drops Cook off the balcony to the ground below. He looks up and Giles is gone*

Warlock: Hostage taken…AGAIN!

 

*Derek pulls up to the mansion and hears the shooting going on. He’s accidentally shot and dropped by Frank. Giles is about to be executed but Ozzy saves him by shooting the executioner. Ozzy is then saved by Frank, killing another alien. Derek wraps his belt around his head to keep his brains from falling out. Frank, Ozzy and Giles regroup*

Warlock: Where’s Barry?

 

*Derek runs over a guard*

Warlock: I say the cardboard cutout of Paul McCartney won best supporting actor.

 

*Derek goes apeshit with a chainsaw as Lord Crumb runs across the grass. Frank asks where Barry went*

Warlock: Ok, at least we know he’s still around.

 

*Frank and Ozzy shoot at Crumb but miss. Frank is shot at by 7 guys, Frank with a pistol shoots all of them dead*

D: These are the worst henchmen I’ve ever seen.

Warlock: Putty Patrol gets more shit done.

 

*Robert attacks but Barry saves the day by killing him with a machete. Lord Crumb is tagged and he goes down. Giles, Frank, Barry and Ozzy run away. Crumb mutates into his real form and 3 other aliens do as well. He tells the three to chase after the humans while he and whoever’s left will load their brothers into the ship*

Warlock: Time for the big finale.

 

*Barry says Derek was right all along about them being aliens*

Warlock: Ya think?

 

*Frank caps one of the aliens. The car Frank was in is hit by gunfire and the exhaust goes. They have to get out and run as two remaining aliens chase them. Ozzy takes his gear off and pulls a gun. He says to go on ahead, he’ll stay behind to take out the aliens. He runs to the car and pulls out the large wooden box that was in the trunk*

Warlock: Let me guess, a bazooka?

 

*The two aliens check the car as Ozzy shoots the lock off the box. He pulls out a rocket launcher*

Warlock: What did I say?

 

*The aliens turn on the radio and Ozzy blows them and the car away with the launcher. Frank :”That was my car!!”

Warlock: Hahaha whoops.

 

*Ozzy runs off after loading another rocket. Crumb and two more aliens look at the wreckage from afar and assume that was the humans. Ozzy fires the second rocket into the mansion, knocking half of it down*

D: For a low budget, that’s a lot of damage.

 

*Crumb and the two aliens are unharmed by the rocket blast. Crumb “Wankers”

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Frank unmasks and storms the ruins of the mansion. Ozzy grabs a wooden board and follows him. They attack the two aliens as Derek storms the ruins with a chainsaw*

Warlock: Here he comes to wreck the dayyyyyyy.

 

*Derek cuts his way in*

D: Cause, ya know, there’s a front door but who needs that?

 

*Frank kills one alien and Derek hacks up the other one. Lord Crumb hides*

D: How the fuck did they take over the town if they’re this incompetent?

 

*One alien remains and we get a one on one fight tease*

D: FIGHT!

 

*Frank kills the alien but a second alien has the two dead to rights. Derek cuts through the wall and kills it, screaming “bastards!” Ozzy “Derek’s gone apeshit!”

Warlock: That’s my line.

 

*Lord Crumb shoots Ozzy in the leg as Frank runs off. Frank shoots the rocket but it misses Crumb completely and blows up a nearby sheep*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Crumb kicks Derek in the nuts and activates his spaceship*

Warlock: Last one alive.

 

*The mansion itself is the space ship. Frank pulls Ozzy to safety in a fireman’s carry as the ship leaves*

Warlock: He’s gonna get away with it?

 

*Derek is still in the house/ship and he grabs his chainsaw. The ship leaves the atmosphere. Frank “Bastards”

Warlock: How are they gonna end this?

 

*Crumb uses a rotary phone to call for help as Derek notices the ship leaving orbit. Crumb says they lost all his workers but he’s got the samples. He hears a noise and goes to investigate. Derek cuts a hole in the ceiling and says “Suck my spinning steel shit head!” He then cuts through Crumb and dives through his body*

Warlock: That is gross yet so hilarious.

 

*Derek “I’m born again”

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Derek on the phone “I’m comin to get you bastards!!!” He puts on Crumb’s skin as a disguise as the Beatles van picks up Barry and Giles with the end credits going. Bad Taste by  The Remnants plays*

Warlock: Pretty good for its kind.

 

Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 6.5. It was a fun movie and it was better in the last 20 minutes. Some of it felt like it was dragging on but it wasn’t horrible, wasn’t great. It was decent.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6. For a low budget flick shot on weekends, it was pretty damn good. Obviously some major plotholes and some drag time but still a fun movie. It made me laugh a lot and that’s always a good thing.

Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: For a directorial debut that was pretty impressive. Somebody must have saw Jackson’s talent if he could pull that off with a low budget, which is why he’s now a famous director.  All in all if you can look past the fact it was shot on a shoestring budget with New Zealand humor, you’ll have a blast watching this. That about wraps up another craptastic adventure…..next up is episode 200. You won’t want to miss it.

198. Timebomb (1991)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, TRON t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a diamond studded goblet of Dr Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock looks at joggers who look at him and sprint faster down the street. Warlock walks inside*

Warlock: Last night’s big victory by the New England Patriots over the Texans kept the bet alive with Mr. America. Thank god for that.

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: There’s always next Sunday.

Warlock: Yeah, and if they win, they’re going to the Superbowl.

America: Whatever, what are we watching now?

Warlock: Tonight’s its another IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE!

America: Oh great.

Warlock: Don’t worry, I got my laptop hooked up to the TV so we don’t have to huddle around the kitchen table.

America: That’s a little better.

Warlock: Tonight’s movie is the 1991 Michael Biehn thriller Timebomb.

America: Never heard of it.

Warlock: Me either. This should be interesting.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s kickoff Timebomb.

 

*Warlock reads the tagline*

Warlock: “When someone tries to murder watchmaker Eddy Kay, the incident triggers a barrage of nightmares and flashbacks into a past that isn’t his own. Fearing for his sanity, Eddy contacts psychiatrist Dr. Anna Nolmar (Patsy Kensit) for help*

America: Okay, I’m lost.

 

*Opening credits with closeup of eyeball*

Warlock: I see you.

 

*Colonel Taylor (Richard Jordan) walks down the hallway with a briefcase*

America: Oh good, you can walk down hallways well.

 

*Man in suit walks into a room of mannequins with a banner for Dean Jordan (Harvey Fisher) overhead. Mr Grey (Jim Maniaci), Mr. Brown (Billy Blanks), Ms Blue (Tracey Scoggins), Mr Redd (Steven J Oliver) Mr Green (Carlos Palomino) and Mr Black (Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini” take target practice*

Warlock: So Reservoir Dogs ripped these guys off. By the way we got boxing champion Ray Mancini, martial arts master Billy Blanks and Tracey Scoggins of Babylon 5.

America: Good cast.

 

*Eddy Kay (Michael Beihn) is working on a watch when Dr. Anna Nolmar walks in*

Warlock: Now we get Kyle Reese and Rika from Lethal Weapon 2.

 

*Eddy badly flirts with Anna and she tells him please make the watch work again*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Bernie (Bernie Moffat) says hi as Waitress (Julie Brown) asks about his buns before a building blows across the street*

America: What the hell?

Warlock: Talk about random.

 

*A car blows*

America: Why did the car blow up? Its parked a good 10 feet outside the building.

 

*Eddy runs into the building burning to save a woman and baby*

Warlock: A man of the people.

 

*Eddy savate kicks through the wall to save the lady and we cut to the news where Dean Jordan is featured*

Warlock: Ohhhhhkay.

America: Lovely.

 

*Colonel Taylor makes a sex hotline call when Eddy is shown on the news being the hero of the fire*

Warlock: Way to go Kyle Reese.

 

*Taylor makes a phone call to Mr. Phillips (Robert Culp) and says they need to take out Eddy Kay. Next frame Eddy wakes up when his alarm goes off. He feeds the fish*

Warlock: Wow, I’m not used to him being halfway human.

 

*Eddy says hi to Mrs McDonald (Jeannine Riley) before riding his bike to work. Taylor and Mr.Brown drive by and recognize him*

Warlock: Billy Blanks will fuck him up.

America: We’ll see.

 

*Taylor says to Brown to take him out that night. Next frame is Brown sneaking into Eddy’s room with a knife. Eddy fights off Black as McDonald bangs on the door. Eddy is in fetal position as the cops show up*

Warlock: Damn.

 

*Detective Sanchez (Raymond St Jacques) questions Eddy. Eddy says this wasn’t a burglary, it was an assassination. They didn’t take anything. Sanchez asks who could have done this. Eddy says the man looked like a psycho. Sanchez asks how he didn’t kill him. Eddy doesn’t know. Next morning Eddy helps McDonald with her flower planting*

Warlock: Two movies in a row with flowers, only this isn’t as crucial.

 

*Ms. Blue meets with the rest of the assassins*

Warlock: Boom boom!

America: Who?

Warlock: Ray Mancini.

 

*Eddy flashesback to a naked woman (Sheila Young)and someone getting throat cut*

Warlock: This is no longer the worst….what the fuck is going on?

 

*Eddy arrives to work and the assassins close in when he leaves*

Warlock: They’re shit at explaining things in this movie.

 

*Mr Black runs over Eddy but Eddy lives. He walks home*

Warlock: He’s having a shitty day isn’t he?

America: Oh yeahhhh.

 

*Eddy has a flashback of him killing someone. He says this has got to stop*

Warlock: What the hell is going on?

America: They’re not doing a good of of explaining things.

 

*Eddy calls up Anna and says he’s got a replacement watch for her that night. More flashbacks after*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*Eddy arrives at Anna’s office and hands her the watch. Then he asks for help with his flashbacks. She says she has to leave soon but lets him in anyway*

Warlock: In real life she would have sent him away.

America: Probably.

Warlock: And shoot at him too.

America: I don’t know about THAT.

 

*Eddy talks about the naked girl and throat cutting*

Warlock: Yeah this will get you far, bringing up pornstars and murder.

 

*Eddy says he used to drink and do drugs until he woke up in a garbage dump. He changed right then and there. He drifted to the west coast and Anna tells him to get a checkup and a brain scan. Anna says memory neurons are destroyed by abuse*

Warlock: Well that sucks for him.

 

*Anna says he can pay for the session by fixing her watch*

Warlock: Two movies in a row.

 

*Eddy walks out of Anna’s office and spots the assassins waiting. He tries to leave through the basement. Ms Blue says hi to Eddy and he doesn’t recognize her. Finally she pulls a knife and attacks him. He fights her off and runs into Mr Grey who pulls a knife. He runs for it. He pulls a shotgun and Mr Green is behind him. A shootout occurs*

Warlock: Where’d he get the shotgun?

America: It was in his bag.

Warlock: Yeah but where did he GET it?

 

*Eddy tries to beat up Mr Grey but Grey no-sells everything. Grey, Blue and Green surround him until Anna shows up. He jumps in her car and goes berserk about the assassins. Anna didn’t see them and she wants to take him to the police. Eddy doesn’t know what to do. Eddy speaks Hungarian to a doctor and he has no idea how. He then flashes back to when he spoke Hungarian to a man (Steven Daboczy). He then wakes up and Anna is starting to believe him. Eddy says he knows things that he shouldn’t and its like someone is in his body*

Warlock: Jesus H Christ.

 

*Eddy begs Anna to stay with him at the hospital. Meanwhile the assassins show up*

Warlock: So this movie is a ripoff of Total Recall.

 

*Mr Brown leads Mr Grey and Mr Green disguised as SWAT teamers into the hospital. An explosion knocks out the power and the assasins wipe out the hospital staff*

Warlock: What the hell?

America: Remember Mr. Phillips said not to make it clean? Well this sure is messy.

 

*Green shoots at Anna but she runs away into Eddy’s room. Eddy strangles and kills Green while shooting at Grey and Brown. The timer runs out and brown and Grey retreat. Eddy grabs Anna and grills her in the car. He says the only one who knew he was at the hospital was Anna and if he had taken the sedative Anna suggested, he’d be dead now. She calls him mad. Anna doesn’t want to be involved and Eddy says to do what he says*

Warlock: Come with me if you want to live.

 

*Eddy: “Stay here…STAY!”

Warlock: Sit! Roll over! Play dead!

America: Ugh.

 

*Eddy calls Sanchez and Sanchez says he’s NOT Eddy Kay. He died in Vietnam in 1972. Eddy hangs up and Anna tries to run away. Eddy then takes Anna hostage and threatens to kill her if she tries anything*

Warlock: That was a quick heel turn.

America: Its a movie, he’ll go good guy again.

 

*Anna at the hotel says she wants to fetch Eddy medicine. Eddy says its a conspiracy. Eddy Kay calls Mrs. Richards who was the mother of his childhood friend and she doesn’t recognize him. Eddy died in 72. Anna makes a fun for it but Eddy trips her and cries on her shoulder*

Warlock: This getting weirder.

 

*Taylor confronts Phillips face to face. Taylor says the Bluebird Program was instigated to combat the emotional operatives. Taylor says they experimented on people and 7 became exceptional soldier. Six are active, the seventh is the 7th. Taylor says they thought Eddy was killed in combat but he’s alive. Taylor says if this gets out, they’re all fucked*

Warlock: They think he’s crazy, nobody will believe him.

 

*Eddy and Anna share bonding moments*

Warlock: If he bangs her in this movie, I’ll be proud.

 

*Eddy ties up Anna and rigs up a trap, if she moves, she’s dead*

Warlock: What if she’s gotta take a piss.

America: I don’t know.

 

*Eddy gets food and returns. The trap was a fake all along. Anna goes to attack him but he calms her down. He says he hopes she’s not on a diet*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Eddy calls up Sanchez and says he’ll release Anna to him but him alone. He wants him there alone in 20 minutes. Anna thanks him for allowing her to go home. Next frame is Eddy letting Anna go and taking her car*

Warlock: He’s a man of his word.

 

*Eddy listens to the news that Anna was targeted as well. Eddy drives after her. Mr Black does a driveby and wipes out Sanchez but Anna is ok. Eddy rams Black, guns down Redd and runs off with Anna. Brown, Grey and Black shoot at them*

Warlock: He got another one.

 

*Anna and Eddy make it to an adult porno theater as Sanchez is alive but wounded. A bomb blows up a police car*

Warlock: Lot of explosions but no point behind them.

America: Wow.

 

*Black kills a theater patron. Black, Grey and Brown surround them*

Warlock: I can’t take this seriously with the porno in the background.

America: All she’s doing is playing with her hair.

 

*Eddy blows away Black with a pistol*

Warlock: So much for a one on one fight between Beihn and Boom Boom.

 

*Grey and Brown shoot at Eddy and Anna but they make it out alive. They shoot at them in a chase scene*

Warlock: What happened to Ms Blue?

 

*Back at the presinct, Sanchez is alive. His LT says the 7 people involved got sent to Lang Institute*

Warlock: Of course they cut away when they’re trying to explain it.

 

*Anna and Eddy hide in the back of a truck. She cries because she didn’t cry at her father’s funeral*

Warlock: She’s vulnerable. Go for it.

 

*Spanish sign says Alto*

Warlock: Juan es Alto. We still got 37 minutes to go.

 

*Eddy and Anna are now in Mexico*

Warlock: Wait, they made it to Mexico?

America: That’s what they want us to believe.

 

*Eddy flashesback to an assination attempt and crawls across the street*

Warlock: Leave him alone he’s method acting.

America: Psssft.

 

*Taylor figures out they fled across the border, Brown and Grey are dispatched. Anna and Eddy share more bonding moments. Eddy drives to Oracle, Arizona*

Warlock: So they got back across the border just as easy?

America: Yeah.

 

*Eddy and Anna break into the abandoned Lang Institute*

America: Now they have to go search for clues.

Warlock: And that’s fun?

America: Yes!

 

*Anna finds skeletons of dead animals. “Who would do this?”

Warlock: Weirdos.

 

*Anna asks why there would be military personnel at a mental institution and Eddy kicks the door in*

Warlock: Time to investigate.

 

*Anna is attacked by a bat*

Warlock: Its Grandpa Munster.

America: No, its a horribly designed prop bat. Its not convincing at all.

 

*Anna and Eddy find a secret office along with a lab area*

America: That seems like an awful lot of wasted space.

Warlock: Could be a training area?

America: Does it look like a training place. There’s buttons, control panels, monitors. What kind of training place would that be? Let’s shoot the stuff that’s supposed to operate the place. Great idea!

 

*Eddy looks confused*

Warlock: Is he rocking a mullet? He’s had like 5 different hairstyles in this movie.

 

*Anna uncovers more gizmos and gadgets along with a magazine from 1972. Eddy finds a human sized pod and he lies in it. Anna starts up the power*

Warlock: She unintentionally fries him, movie’s over.

 

*She unknowingly locks him in the pod and starts mashing buttons, his pod begins to fill with water*

Warlock: Hey hey how ya doin that? Get me outta here.

 

*Eddy has flashbacks of him as a boy, Anna notices and walks out. Eddy finally has the flashback to explain it. The memories were implanted in his head. His real name is Oliver Dykstra. Eddy Kay DID die in 1972 and he assumed his identity*

Warlock: So his real name is Oliver Dykstra.

 

*Anna yells to Eddy that he’s not a murderer. He has a flashback of Blue, Grey and Brown leaving him for dead during an assassination attempt. Anna gets Eddy out of the pod before the whole station blows. Next frame is at an INN*

Warlock: Come on, this was getting interesting.

 

*Oliver is in the shower as Taylor gets a tip that they surfaced again. Grey and Blue are on their way. Oliver is covered in bruises*

Warlock: He’s having a bad week.

 

*Anna says she should kiss the pain away*

Warlock: Damn, right out of Terminator.

 

*Anna starts kissing up on him*

Warlock: Here comes the useless sex scene.

America: Let me take a power nap.

Warlock: Takes off the runtime.

 

*Anna and Oliver get it on for real*

Warlock: Wow, this is real. Man she gets around….Mel Gibson, Mario Van Peebles, Michael Beihn.

 

*Blue and Grey barge in the room and take Anna hostage. Anana claims she has no idea where Oliver is.  Grey goes to take advantage of her as Blue steps back. Oliver uses the mirror under the door trick to see where he is. He barges in with a chain and absolutely unloads on Blue*

Warlock and America: Ohhhhh

 

*Anna stabs Grey with a pocket knife and Oliver goes apeshit on him. He kills him with elbows*

Warlock: That was gruesome.

 

*Blue comes to and Oliver tells him to make the call. She refuses so he shoots her in the leg. She then calls Taylor and says the job is done. Blue tells him that there’s a plan against Dean Jordan the Attorney General that night. Sure enough, Taylor, Phillips and Brown are at the gala honoring Dean*

Warlock: Oh yeah, Blanks is the only one left.

 

*Mr. Brown pulls a gun from a toilet*

Warlock: Ewwww.

 

*Anna and Oliver race to stop the assassination*

Warlock: What happened to Blue?

America: No idea.

 

*Taylor has a bomb rigged to blow the whole building set for 30 minutes*

Warlock: That’s just movie time, they have all day.

 

*Dean Jordan: Man of The Year*

Warlock: Harvard Lampoon.

 

*The cops attempt to pull over Oliver, he keeps driving and pulls over. He leaves Anna with the cops who arrest her as she runs into the gala unarmed*

Warlock: How are they gonna finish this?

 

*Oliver buys a ticket from a dude (David Sawyer) using his own watch as collateral*

Warlock: The dude just made a thousand dollars, he’s happy.

 

*Sanchez shows up and believes Anna’s story that they’re after Jordan. Jordan says he’s there to rock the boat*

Warlock: rock the boat, don’t rock the boat baby.

America: Shut up already.

 

*Taylor spots Oliver and tells security to get him. Brown gets ready to shoot Jordan. Sanchez and Anna run in as the power blows. Brown goes to make the shot but Oliver jumps 10 feet in the air to stop him*

Warlock: Nice tribute to Jimmy Snuka there.

 

*Taylor starts shooting people aiming for Oliver*

Warlock: You’d think a police officer would notice and start capping him.

America: You’d think.

 

*Oliver catches Brown after a long chase. They have the one on one fight*

Warlock: Billy Blanks would kick the crap out of him in real life.

 

*Oliver tries to reason with Brown they’re just pawns but Brown won’t listen. Oliver throws him off the roof and Brown goes splat*

Warlock: Oooooh.

America: He’s not getting up.

 

*Taylor shows up and says he was the best. He points a gun at Oliver and says “See you in hell.” Then Sanchez shows up and shoots Taylor off the roof. Anna says its finished as Oliver has another flashback, end credits*

Warlock: What in the name of God was that ending?

America: That was not impressive.

 

Mr.America’s Assessment: I give it a 2.5. Just wasn’t that good.

The Warlock’s Assessment:  I give it a 4. It was pretty bad, which is a crime considering all who were involved. They pretty much ripped off Terminator, Total Recall and some elements of Lethal Weapon. It was like the writers grilled Michael Biehn and Patsy Kensit about their previous movies they were in and wrote an incoherent script around it.

Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – Bad

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was disappointing. With a cast that diverse I expected better. Then again it wasn’t so much the acting as it was the incoherent writing. The story was too convoluted when it didn’t have to be. They abandoned the first part of the movie like it never happened by the end. He went from mild mannered watchmaker to ultimate badass fighting Billy Blanks one on one. Still, it wasn’t he worst I’ve ever seen.

America: Oh just wait. If the Patriots lose the AFC Championship Game you’ll be suffering.

Warlock: Alright, I’ll bite. What’s this mythical beast you have planned if the Patriots don’t win the Superbowl?

America: You don’t want to know.

Warlock: I wanna know.

America: You REALLY wanna know?

Warlock: Out with it.

America: ……..A Serbian Film.

Warlock:….FUCKKKKKKK!!!

*America gets up and leaves, laughing as he shuts the door*

America: Have a pleasant evening.