188. Repo Men (2010)

45 MINUTES AGO

*The Warlock and Mr. America are at Seven-Eleven picking up snacks for the big Patriots game coming up against the Miami Dolphins. While America raids the food isle, Warlock stops to check out the bargain bin movies. He sneers and pulls three of them out*

Warlock: Perfect.

PRESENT TIME

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, ICE CREAM MAN POLICE DEPARTMENT t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a sacred chalice of Pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots a fire ball into the sky and walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight we take a look at one of three movies I found in a bargain bin…otherwise known as IT CAME FROM SEVEN-ELEVEN

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: Oh god, what the hell are you going to make us suffer through?

Warlock: That’s the thing, I have no idea if these movies are good or bad. We’ll just have to watch and find out.

America: Terrific, what’s first?

Warlock: Up first is Repo Men, the 2010 action movie starring Jude Law. Apparently in the future you can take out a loan to purchase vital organs but if you’re late on any payment, guess who shows up?

America: The Repo Man from WWF?

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: I wish….but let’s find out. Its time for Repo Men.

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

 

Warlock: “Set in the near future when artificial organs can be bought on credit, it revolves around a man who struggles to make the payments on a heart he has purchased. He must therefore go on the run before said ticker is repossessed.”

America: Sucks to be him.

 

*Remy (Jude Law) does a voice over*

Warlock: That’s Jude Law.

America: I know, my ear still works.

 

*Remy types out a story on a typewriter*

Warlock: He can’t type worth a shit.

 

*Remy “I don’t give a fuck about small fury animals”

Warlock: Don’t tell Neyz that.

 

*Mr Smythe is about to get a blowjob when Remy stops him by saying he’s from the Union. Smythe tries to bribe him and Remy shoots him with a tranquilizer. The hooker whacks him and he complains. “There’s no need for violence, miss.” She goes to hit him again and Remy shoots her*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Remy surgically removes Mr. Smythe’s liver*

Warlock: Oooooh, mind if I eat?

America: You’re asking the wrong guy.

 

*Remy says his job is repossessing vital organs*

Warlock: So he’s the Repo Man.

America: Prettttty sure they established that by, I don’t know, RIPPING THE GUY’S LIVER OUT!

 

*Remy does pull-ups and takes a shower as the news says the latest world war is in Nigeria. Remy’s son Peter (Chandler Canterbury) needs to be taken to school. As remy drives him, he touches the suitcase with the liver in it. Remy tells him not to touch it*

America: Yeah don’t touch the organs.

 

*Montage of Remy shooting people and taking their organs. Frank (Liev Schreiber) oversees everything at The Union*

Warlock: Sabertooth in the house.

 

*A man is being offered a pancreas for 618,000 dollars with a 19.6 APR rate*

Warlock: Hahahahahahahaa

 

*Frank reassures the man that the Repo Man doesn’t show up until the 6th day of the 4th month of non-payment*

Warlock: That’s a deal.

 

*Remy makes his way to the staff room. One of the staffers cut open a woman with a knife on a crowded subway*

Warlock: What an asshole.

 

*Frank says to Remy not to come in the front because it scares customers into paying in full, they don’t make money that way. Frank asks what Remy’s got on ice and he pulls out two livers. Frank “What, have you been hanging out at AA meetings?”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Jake (Forest Whitaker) sneaks up on Remy and clowns around with him. Remy is miffed. Remy tells a story of how Jake was his bully in school and later Remy fought back, they’ve been friends since. They wrestle around, Frank “I’m working with fucking children”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Remy’s wife Carol (Carice van Houton) nags him about transferring to Sales. Jake ribs him after*

Warlock: Do you want to crochet a set of balls?

America: What?? Why??

 

*Jake says Remy’s pay would be cut in half if Remy move to Sales. Jake spots a fat man and bets Remy 20 bucks he’s overdue. He’s 2 days from being overdue. Remy threatens him and he runs. Remy “Slow down, you’re gonna need a heart too”

America: Hahahahha

 

*Remy asks if Jake ever Repo’d a friend. Jake says his grandfather. Remy and Jake check out the lounge singer named Beth (Alice Braga) and Remy is awestruck*

Warlock: Wow, she’s cute.

America: Why are you staring at her? Aren’t you supposed to be married?

Warlock: I can do whatever I want.

America: I WASN’T TALKING ABOUT YOU, YOU IDIOT! I was talking about Jude Law….wowwwww.

 

*Remy gets home to Carol and puts on a romantic song. He asks her if she remembers Jimmy T-Bone (RZA). He wants some nook but she stones him cold*

America: He got shut down.

 

*Remy visits Peter who’s sleeping*

Warlock: Kid, lemme tell ya something, I can’t have sex because of you.

America: That’s a bit extreme isn’t it?

 

*Remy and Peter share bonding moments. Remy says the Romans were bad ass*

Warlock: Yes we were.

America: You weren’t one of them?

 

*Remy is hosting a barbeque when Jake says he’s got a half commission for him if they leave now. Remy tells him two minutes. Jake walks out in an apron and a butcher knife*

Warlock: I see where this is going. Hahahaha

 

*Jake zaps the guy and cuts him open. Carol walks outside and sees Jake finishing the job. He’s taken the guy’s kidney. Meanwhile Carol grabs Peter and drives off, leaving Remy alone with Jake. Jake apologizes but Remy says its not his fault. On their way to The Union, Jake and Remy banter*

Warlock: Good call on the “guy leaves the company storyline”

 

*Jake’s scanner goes off, apparently 20 people with organs are hiding out on a boat. Remy and Jake round everyone up. Jake uses excessive force “Are you having fun yet?” Meanwhile Remy gets jumped by two guys. Remy takes them both out*

Warlock: Ohhhhhohohoooooo

 

*Jake gets in a knife fight with a muscle head. Remy saves him but Jake scoffs. Back at Frank’s office, Jake and Remy return with the loot. Frank offers a Spec job to Jake and Remy, Jake wants it but Remy doesn’t. Back in the car, Jake asks what keeps the world together*

Warlock: Forest has too much hair though.

America: ……WHAT HAIR? He has as much hair as Sputnik.

 

*Jake gives Remy a pep talk and tells him to finish the T-Bone job. Remy drops Jake off and goes home. A voiceover of Remy says he’s been listening to T-Bone since high school*

Warlock: Its RZA

 

*Remy walks up to T-Bone and T-Bone asks to finish the song first. Remy gets nervous when T-Bone asks him to help finish*

Warlock: Oh he suckered him.

America: Alright if he’s gonna turn against the company, he needs to do it now.

 

*T-Bone hands him the tape and says to hand it to Terence at Blue Note Records. Remy gives him the courtesy of asking for an ambulance or being taken to a hospital. When Remy goes to defib T-Bone, he gets blown backwards. We get a backstory of Remy being knocked out four times. Once in the military*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Second was when he got knocked out in a strip joint. The third was right then and there. He wakes up in the hospital with Frank and Jake looking over him. Jake says he’s been in a coma. Frank says to tell him. Jake says they have business to discuss. Frank says he’s lucky to be alive. Frank says he’s got an artificial heart hooked up right now. Remy is pissed and demands it removed. He gets up and walks out. Jake to Frank “You’re an asshole, man”. Remy rips out the heart and he flatlines, falling on the floor*

Warlock: What the hell did you think was going to happen?

America: That’s hospital property. Did you really think that concerns him?

 

*Remy agrees to have the artificial one put in*

Warlock: Well here’s your storyline.

 

*Remy returns home 3 days later. His key won’t work. She’s kicked him out of the house. He wants to see Peter. She slams the door in his face*

Warlock: Wow what a fucking cunt.

 

*Remy visits Jake who tries to cheer him up as he unofficially moves in. Back at the Union, Frank hires a stripper to cheer Remy up*

Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*Remy picks a lock on a house.  Mr. Erikson resists and Remy nearly has a heart attack taking him down. Remy can’t cut him open because of his heart*

America: Well that ain’t good.

 

*Remy hits up the bar where Jake asks how the job went. Remy bullshits him and Jake tells a story to crack up the crowd. Meanwhile Remy visits Peter and Carol tries to drag him away but he runs into Remy’s arms before going inside. She hands him his overdue bill and slams the door on him again*

Warlock: Knock her the fuck out.

 

*Jake figures out that Remy bailed on his last job. We get a montage of Remy’s life falling apart. He’s falling behind on his payments since he transferred to Sales.  Remy in a voiceover says he’s got 6 days to live*

Warlock: Wow, that sucks.

 

*Jake gives him a tongue lashing in the car on their way to a job. They zap a kid who’s 5 months overdue. Jake tells him he’s got this one.  Jake the brings over a dude behind on a liver and kidney payment. Remy gets cold feed again*

Warlock: What is wrong with him?

 

*Jake yells at him to stay there until its done. Jake says to get as many as he can to get over the hump*

America: I’m gonna say he grew a conscience.

 

*Remy lets the kid go and the other guy beats the shit out of him. Remy’s voiceover says that was knockout number four when he gets hit in the head*

Warlock: They got another hour left, this can’t possibly be close to over.

 

*Remy finds Beth singing in some kind of drug haze. Remy uses his final days to look after Beth as she goes through withdrawal. He figures out she has overdue organs. Remy’s voiceover says he can’t kill anymore. Meanwhile Jake is pissed off*

Warlock: We’re gonna have a big fight.

 

*Remy comes back to Beth and she kicks his ass*

Warlock: Why does everyone want to kick his ass?

America: What do you THINK she thinks his intentions are? He’s either going to remove her organs or rape her.

 

*Remy explains his situation. Beth “You’re as fucked as me.” Remy: “Maybe not.”

Warlock: What’s he doing?

 

*Jake catches him fucking with the system input and tell a story of his uncle the bank robber who went soft. Remy asks who Frank’s gonna send after him. Jake says either Ray (Joe Pingue) or him. Remy gives up his gun and leaves*

America: They had to find a way to make this more interesting.

 

*Remy sneaks in Peter’s window*

Warlock: Sneaking into the window of his own home.

 

*Remy tells Peter he’s going away for a while. Back at the motel he returns to Beth. He says he got caught trying to clear her forgs. Beth tells him to go on without her, he says he can’t. He goes on the lam with her. His voiceover says he’s trying to save them both. Meanwhile in a downtrodden Union room, Jake gets the bad news from Frank that he’s been sent to go get Remy. Jake refuses and walks out. Frank asks around and no one takes it*

Warlock: Well that’s encouraging.

 

*Remy and Beth ransack the dump looking for stuff. Beth apparently has artificial everything due to diabetes and the Q habit. She continues but he stops her. He asks about her lips and she says they’re all hers. He runs over and kisses her*

America: Well I guess he forgot about his wife.

Warlock: Fuck her. Bitch kicked him out for no good reason.

 

*Beth and Remy celebrate his birthday. Beth got him a typewriter she found. They kiss again*

America: She HAD a reason. Not a very good one, but she had a reason.

Warlock: I don’t give a fuck.

 

*Remy types out his will*

Warlock: That explains the voiceover.

 

*Beth asks about Remy’s writing when she hears somebody coming. Remy can’t hear anything. Beth uses her artificial ears and spots Ray aproaching. Remy and Beth attempt their getaway. Remy types away as Ray walks in and says he’s dissappointed. Remy “You’re disappointed? They sent the ear guy after me” Ray walks in and falls through the floor 50 feet below. Beth also falls when the whole floor crumbles. Both Beth and Ray crawl around hurt. Ray grabs his gun but Remy drops the typewriter on his head, crushing it*

America: Talk about writer’s block.

 

*Beth’s knee is fucked up. Remy says they’re after supplies. Beth fixes her knee*

America: Owwww.

 

*Remy mugs Larry (Max Turnbull) The Lung for his costume. Inside The Union, Remy fucks with Jake before punching out Frank in his office*

Warlock: Woooooahhh.

 

*Remy removes the costume and Fran laughs at him. Frank tells him he’s killed Ray and he’ll kill anyone else he sends after him. Frank reveals that the stunt with the barcode has got them all backed up. He says they can do this two ways, give him the heart or talk this out. Remy shoots him and leaves. He tells Beth theyre  heading for the airport and he’s got code jammer. Meanwhile Jake laughs at Frank for Remy shooting him. Frank says to stop laughing because he’s got Remy now*

Warlock: Now its on.

 

*Remy and Beth make it through customs until a couple spots Beth’s leg bleeding. They take her to the first aid station where they work on her. Meanwhile a whole crew makes them. Beth and Remy wipe everyone out but run into Jake. He stares a whole in them and they hop away the other way*

Warlock: 45 minutes, wow.

 

*Beth and Remy hit up the black market for a new kneecap. Asbury (John Leguiazamo) walks in. Beth says she needs help. He turns to Remy “Mi casa es su casa cabron”

Warlock: My house is your house, asshole.

 

*Its revealed Asbury is the reason Beth got addicted to Q.  Remy calls him a vulture, Asbury calls him a parrot*

Warlock: You’re a cockatiel.

America: What?

 

*Asbury says he can’t fix her knee but Alva (Liza Lapira) can. Beth says Alva almost killed her. Little Alva (Tiffany Epensen) walks in and Alva says its her daughter. Alva makes Beth say what parts she’s working with. She babbles on until she falls asleep. Little Alva is the surgeon, not Alva and Remy freaks*

Warlock: Hahahahahahaha clever.

 

*Remy “She’s five!” Alva “Nine actually, she’s been doing this since she was four”

Warlock: That is actually clever.

 

*Beth feels like break dancing*

Warlock: So do I.

America: Break a leg.

 

*Remy and Beth return to Asbury’s but Remy smells a rat. He tiptoes with a gun as Beth finds him on the couch with his guts ripped open. Beth goes to cover him when Jake walks in. Remy asks how they found him. Jake says the same way he would have found him. Jake says he can make this right if Remy comes with him. Remy says he can’t go back. Jake reveals he rigged the defib unit for him to get electrocuted. Jake says he did it to keep him from working Sales. Remy and Jake go at it*

Warlock: Is this the final battle?

America: Gonna say no considering there’s a half hour left.

 

*Jake throws Remy through a wall. He charges but Jake throws him against the sink. Beth charges but Jake shoves her down. Remy starts laughing and Jake laughs along with him. Remy stabs Jake in the thigh and Jake goes to crash his skull with a brick. Beth then zaps Jake just in time as only the side of Remy’s head gets bashed. Remy spots Jake knocked out as a bunch of people scream its a raid. The Repo Men are here and they start offing people. Remy and Beth do their best to get away*

Warlock: Not exactly the finale I was thinking of.

America: There is a lot of people for this raid.

Warlock: They want to do it right, right?

America: True.

 

*Rhodesia (Yvette Nicole Brown) takes Remy hostage and asks why she shouldn’t kill him. He reveals his artificial heart*

America: I know her, she’s from Community. Was a pretty good show.

 

*Remy walks through the sea of bodies all with organs removed*

Warlock: Like right out of Vietnam,

 

*Remy finds Little Alva amongst the victims*

America: Oh shit.

 

*Remy walks outside dejected. Beth asks what to do. He says to finish this. Their plan is to break into Union HQ. Carol and Peter show up and Carol gives him shit on the train. She yells at Beth and reams Remy until Peter of all people shoots her*

Warlock: About fucking time.

America: Why are you so mad about her being mad that he wouldn’t spend more time with her?

Warlock: Because she refuses to let him see his own kid because she’s mad that he works.

 

*Remy tries to say Peter is naughty but can’t stop laughing. Beth and Remy leave the train with Peter and a passed out Carol still on it*

Warlock: Jesus Christ, he’s gonna get his ass beat.

 

*Frank gets in his car and Beth/Remy are waiting. Frank “Come on, again?”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Remy leaves Frank out cold. 3 security guards try to stop Remy and he wipes out all three of them before taking out the security camera. Remy tells Beth to head for the pink door*

Warlock: Do they have pinkish blood?

America: What?

 

*Beth and Remy walk through a secret lab where the artificial organs are made. One of the lab workers runs for an exit as security starts shooting the lab crew trying to get to Remy and Beth*

Warlock: That is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

 

*Remy and Beth wipe out a slew of guards. His old Union buddies stand in his way. Remy wipes them all out with two knives. Remy gets stabbed in the process but keeps attacking. Remy uses an assortment of tools to dispatch the rest of them*

America: Why are they even trying?

Warlock: Look at you, you’re not even wearing a name tag.

 

*Remy and Beth make their way to the Pink room as Jake and Frank are on their way. Remy manages to shut the door on them as Frank says “Great, that’s just fucking great.” Remy looks for the keyboard but can’t find one. Remy freaks out but then calmly says the only way they can crack the interface is to repo themselves. Beth kisses Remy and he says to do it. She shoves the scanner up his insides and scans his forg, it clears. He’s home free. He patches himself up and prepares to Repo Beth. He gets her eyes, ears, voicebox, kneecap, etc*

Warlock: Oh this is gonna hurt.

America: Yup.

Warlock: This reminds me of the scene in Boondock Saints where they quartarize their own wounds.

 

*Remy cuts open Beth as Jake and Frank make their way inside the room. They find Remy with his hands inside Beth, he’s looking for the final organ. Frank says to finish it. Jake “Is she REALLY worth it?” Remy “She’s worth every job we ever did.”  He reclaims the final organ and Frank says to end it. Jake “Alright then.” Frank says he’ll do it himself and Jake stabs him in the throat, killing him. Jake then hands Remy a syringe and says to give her a shot of adrenaline. She wakes up and Jake blows the machine completely with two grenades*

Warlock: Nice explosion effect.

 

*Jake and Remy laugh as the doors unlock*

Warlock: How they gonna end this?

 

*Remy listens to T-Bone while at the beach with Beth. He’s had his Repo Men tattoo removed. Jake joins them and claims its hot. Beth kisses himmand walks away. Jake picks up Remy’s first book “The Reposession Mambo”. Jake laughs at him. Suddenly Jake is gone and we switch to Remy being loaded onto a gurney. Apparently when Jake cacked him in the head earlier, what happened next was all a dream. Jake says he’ll deal with the unconscious Beth later. A very much alive Frank then shills a commercial for the M-5 Neural Net which explains how Remy’s at the beach. Its all a dream in his head. Warlock stands and throws the drink coaster at the TV*

Warlock: OH THAT’S BULLSHIT.

 

*End credits*

Warlock: THAT IS BULLSHIT!

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 5.5. Decent film, would have given it better if it wasn’t for the garbage ending.

Warlock’s Assessment: That ending was GARBAGE. It was a decent twist but it was a twist that NOBODY wants to see. I loved the movie up until that point. It made me laugh, had great gore effects…..but fuck that ending. I give it a 6.5….was gonna give it an 8 but fuck it.

Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: The ending sucked bjt it was very entertaining and watchable. Its a good way to kill two hours even if the twist has you pissed off at the end. That about wraps up part 1 of IT CAME FROM SEVEN ELEVEN..

America: What’s the second?

*Warlock holds up the blu ray but doesnt reveal it*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

187. A Christmas Story 2 (2012)

*When we last left off, The Warlock wished he had never been born after he was feeling alone on Christmas for the second straight year. Suddenly Thug D appeared dressed as an angel and we pick up*

Warlock: What in the name of Magus are you dressed like that for?

D: What are you asking me for? This is your story you dillweed.

Warlock: Oh yeah….

*Warlock gets in character*

Warlock: So why are you here?

D: You wished you had never been born. I’m here to grant your wish.

Warlock: Wait a second, how do you have that kind of power?

*Warlock stops himself*

Warlock: Why am I asking you?

D: Exactly, shaddup. I’m here to show you what life would be like without you. Its not pleasant, that’s for sure.

Warlock: Weren’t you the one showing me the future last year saying I was destined to be desolate, desperate and alone? How could it be unpleasant without me?

D: Last year I was showing you what would happen if you kept putting your friends through shitty movies. I never said anything about you never being born. That’s an entirely different box of paperwork. You touched the lives of so many people and you don’t even know it. They may not show their appreciation of you the way you want, but that doesn’t mean its not there.

Warlock: Alright, I’m convinced, show me.

*D whirls into a tornado and his attire changes from the angel cloak to his standard attire*

Warlock: What did you do that for?

D: You think I’m gonna walk around in that get-up? Fuck that.

*D then whirls an even bigger tornado that sucks in the screen, we are taken to a lobby of the Happy Meadows For The Criminally Insane asylum. Moans and random screams are heard*

Warlock: What the hell are we doing here? Don’t tell me I’ve driven Mr. America completely crazy.

D: No you dillhole, you weren’t even born remember?

Warlock: Oh yeah.

D: You may not like what you’re about to see.

*D leads Warlock to a particular cell*

Warlock: Why?

*Warlock peaks in and Lady T is sitting in the corner in a straight jacket laughing to herself. Her hair is cut short and her eyes are baggy*

Warlock: What? Why is she here?

D: Just watch.

*T starts singing to herself*

T: Sing and shout, to and fro, that’s what makes the world go around. For every high there is a lowwwww.

*T leans forward and farts*

T: Ooooh I totally farted. That’s gonna make my bum stinkkkkkkkk bwaahahahahahahaahahahaha

*meanwhile Warlock shakes his head*

Warlock: Ok, I’ll bite…the hell is she doing there? She’s married with 3 kids. There’s no possible way my absence causes this.

D: Oh that’s where you’re wrong. You see, when she does the commentaries with you and Neyzor Blades, she gets to let loose and be herself. Taking care of 3 kids all the time means she can’t let loose. Without you around it just built up inside her and one day she snapped. Singing to herself and going completely berserk. She ended up here, her kids rarely see her.

Warlock: That’s bullshit.

D: So now do you see why you are needed?

Warlock: If this is how this is going to go, this is gonna suck.

*D makes another whirlwind and we are now shown what appears to be a house masquerading as a zoo with animals all over. Cats, dogs, birds, rats, snakes, fish bustle around in tanks or open space*

Warlock: Why’d you bring me to the Stone Zoo?

D: I didn’t, check it out.

*Neyzor Blades is sitting on a throne surrounded by dogs and a cockatiel on her shoulder*

Neyz: Kisses for LARRRRRRRRY. Larry the bird….Larrylarrylarry.

*Warlock shakes his head nearby*

Warlock: Don’t tell me she goes insane too.

D: Not at all, that’s just how she talks to her animals. She’s a natural introvert anyway, without you around she spent her life dedicated to chilling with animals*

Warlock: Doesn’t seem like a bad thing.

D: No….but do you see any humans around?

Warlock: No.

D: There ya go.

Warlock: So without me she goes into seclusion talking to animals……now I’m starting to regret my wish.

D: Oh you haven’t seen nothing yet. Check this out.

*D makes another tornado and we’re shown the center of town Warlock, Mr. Wallstreet and Mr. America grew up in. The town hall has been replaced with a giant tower. The nearby buildings are no longer CVS, a diner and an ice cream parlor but a giant Lawfirm, a Stock Exchange and a high scale restaurant. Stock brokers, business suits and various high class people walk around the streets. A large picture of Mr. Wallstreet is in the middle of the tower as someone drives by in a Cadillac with the song I Can’t Drive 55 playing*

Warlock: Careful, you may get run over by one of these weirdos.

D: Don’t worry, we’re not actually here.

Warlock: What the hell happened here anyway. This was always a rich town but since when did Donald Trump take over?

D: Trump??? That fucker got bought out years ago. Nobody has seen him since the takeover.

Warlock: Takeover?

D: Look at that.

*D and Warlock enter the tower, on the wall in the lobby is a framed picture of a Boston Herald front page with the headline WALLSTREET BUYS OUT TRUMP,ATLANTIC CITY CRUMBLES from June 3, 2009*

Warlock: What in the name of fuck?

D: Yeah, Wallstreet took over Trump 7 years ago. Instead of staying in Atlantic City, Wallstreet built his empire in his home town.

*They continue across the lobby. A framed picture of the cover of Forbes from 2005 reads “Mr. Wallstreet, the teenage business phenom.” Nearby a framed cover of Time that says “MR WALLSTREET, FROM RICHES TO SUPER RICHES” from 2008.

Warlock: The guy couldn’t even fight the Demonic Toys, how the hell did he take over the country?

D: Remember all those years hanging out with you and America? Not even counting the Realm but back in high school? Without you around, he started investing in stocks early. Naturally they did well enough for him to become a millionaire at 19. By 21 he was a billionaire and at 23 he ran Donald Trump out of New York and New Jersey. Now he’s bleeding the god damn country dry because Flint, Michigan doesn’t have drinking water and celebrities are dying left and right because he won’t finance cures for diseases.

Warlock: Wait, he’s not an asshole, he wouldn’t do that.

D: Ah, the Wallstreet you know isn’t an asshole. Without you as a friend, there was no one to stop him from becoming a tyrannical business mogul.

Warlock: Ok, I’m convinced, I want to live again…….wait, what about you? Where did you end up without me around?

D: I don’t count.

Warlock: Why not?

D: Someone had to play the role of Clarence right?

Warlock: Good point…..wait a minute, why are you saving Mr. America last? Wouldn’t it make more sense for Neyz to be last?

D: Who says he’s last?

Warlock: Aren’t you going to show me him now?

D: Well that’s kind of impossible.

Warlock: What do you mean?

D: Well….let me take you back to the past.

Warlock: To play the shitty games that suck ass? Wrong show.

*D makes a whirlwind and we’re taken to a dilapidated TV studio*

Warlock: Isn’t this the local public access studio by the high school?

D: Yup.

Warlock: The hell are we doing here?

D: I didn’t want to show you where America is now, so I went back 3 years.

Warlock: Why did you do that?

D: Just watch.

*The director and the producer sit in their chairs with the camera man drinking a soda. The director says “The ratings are completely in the toilet.” The producer says “If this show doesn’t deliver, I’m cancelling it. I’ve had enough of these two boneheads.” Finally the camera man gets in position and the director says….THREE…TWO…ONE…GO.  Circus music that sounds like it was recorded on a scratched record plays, bells and whistles toll as a cheap, paper banner that has THE HAPPY AND CRAPPY SHOW scribbled in crayon falls from the ceiling*

Warlock: The Happy and Crappy Show?

*D doesn’t answer. All of a sudden a man dressed as a clown tries to run out but trips over his large shoes and falls flat on his face. His red nose falls off and he races to put it back on*

Warlock: Wait…I know that guy.

*The clown makes it to his feet and nearly trips over the tricycle nearby. He pulls out a blowhorn but it doesn’t work. He aims it to his face and he blows it, only it knocks him over the tricycle*

Warlock: Oh my god its Harris. The hell is he doing dressed as a clown?

*Harris then gathers himself as the circus music ends*

Harris: Hiya kids….its your old pal Happy! Let’s have a big hand for another wacky show.

*Meager claps from the producer, director and cameraman*

Warlock: Not exactly a rousing ovation.

*Harris marches in a circle*

Harris: Today kids we’re going to learn about fire safety. You know what that means, we need our old trusty pal…..COME ON OUT CRAPPY!!

*Bad circus music plays and the record begins to skip as Crappy The Clown in full costume, hair, makeup and red nose walks out*

Warlock: Oh…my…fucking….God.

*Crappy is actually Mr. America. He looks totally miserable as he shambles out from behind a shower curtain that’s seen better days. He’s carrying a fire extinguisher*

Harris: There ya are Crappy! Quick, pull my finger.

*America looks at him with a sad glare*

America: No.

Harris: You’re no fun….hey, ready to teach the kids some fire safety?

America: What kids? Do you see any kids around?

*Harris chuckles nervously*

Harris: Oh that Crappy, always joking.

*Harris pulls out a zippo lighter*

Harris: Alright kids, Crappy here is going to demonstrate just what to do if your friend is ever on fire. Using a fire extinguisher may save your friends’ lives. Here we go!

*Harris flicks the light and lights his lower pant leg on fire*

Harris: YEEEOOOOUCH….ok Crappy, put me out!

*America just stands there*

Harris: Um…Crappy…put me out!

*America continues to stand there, the fire begins to spread as Harris’ pants completely catch fire*

Harris: HEY..HEY..HEYYYYY…WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? PUT ME OUT! AHHHHHH!

*Harris whole outfit catches on fire and he stops drops and rolls, putting himself out and his clothes are completely tattered*

Harris: WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I TOLD YOU TO…

*The director then says cut as one of the stage lights falls from the ceiling, nearly crushing Harris as he barrel rolls out of the way*

*A stagehand has to restrain Harris from attacking America*

Harris: YOU SONOVABITCH, YOU WERE GONNA LET ME BURN. THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!

*Harris is led away as the director goes with him to call an ambulance. America shambles over to a nearby stool and sits down with his head in his hands. The producer comes over and fires him on the spot*

Warlock: Ok I’ve seen enough. This is absolutely ridiculous. This can’t possibly be happening.

D: Oh but it is. You want to know why I saved this for last, its because its the most tragic story. Wallstreet is an evil businessman, Lady T is a psycho and Neyz is a crazy animal lady…but at least they’re happy, somewhat.

Warlock: Hey wait a second.

*After the producer walks away, America reaches into costume and pulls out a loaded .45 handgun*

Warlock: Woah woah woah….what the fuck?

*America sighs and aims it at his head*

Warlock:No no no no NO NO NO NO NO!

*Warlock runs and dives to stop America but he pulls the trigger and the whole scene disappears when Warlock hits the deck. When he looks up we’re in a cemetary setting with flashing lightning and high wind around*

Warlock: Did I stop it?

D: Look.

*Warlock looks up and sees a tombstone. It reads “OUR LOVING SON, MR. AMERICA. 10/1/85 – 12/25/13*

Warlock: No way…..no way…..

D: Yes way, you wanted to know why I couldn’t show you Mr.America in the present with the others? THIS IS WHY…….

Warlock: No….this isn’t happening.

D: Without you there to save him from Harris, he becomes his lackey. He spends his teen years and his 20’s following him around, getting nowhere and not being allowed to break out of his shell. You remember how reserved he was in school until you brought his personality out, well without you, his personality never comes out. He remains a lackey all these years. Harris never took care of him, never cared about him and used him as fodder bouncing from one local public access show to another. Finally, 3 years ago America couldn’t take it anymore. When Harris came up with the design to be set on fire, America didn’t act because he wanted him to burn. If he didn’t die, he would take his own life. Obviously Harris rolled himself to safety and America took his own life. Gone, to be forgotten as a never was. Never would have happened if you were around. Lady T never goes insane, Neyz never becomes an introverted animal lady, Wallstreet doesn’t take over the country and America is who he is.

Warlock: Alright, I’ve heard enough. I want to live again.Take me back to the present and I’ll never complain again.

D: We are in the present. Enjoy your new life as nothing.

*D vanishes and Warlock stays in the cemetery setting*

Warlock: HEY! COME BACK HERE! DON’T LEAVE ME OUT HERE!

*Warlock sinks to his knees in front of America’s grave and sobs. Finally he holds his hands to the sky and makes a lightning bolt strike the tombstone and he’s flung backward. When he comes to he’s back in his lair*

Warlock: What…peh…puh huh…..how did I get here? I really need to lay off the soda.

*Warlock looks around*

Warlock: Everything seems to be normal.

*Suddenly the door opens and Mr. America walks in, no longer dressed as Santa*

Warlock: YOU’RE ALIVEEEEEE!!!!

*Warlock pounces on the unsuspecting America*

America: HEY HEY WHAT THE FUCK? GET OFF ME DUDE.

*Warlock kisses America on the cheek and America makes a prune sour face*

America: OH MY GOD I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

Warlock: YOU’RE ALIVE! YES!

America: Will you calm the fuck down? The hell is the matter with you?

Warlock: Long story, what are you doing back here?

America: I told you I’d be back after the Christmas Party, right?

Warlock: No….

America: Oh, well here I am. What are we watching now?

Warlock: Well uh….didn’t expect it to be this soon but you know how we did A Christmas Story?

America: Considering it was a few hours ago, yeah.

Warlock: Well in 2012 the major domo’s felt they needed to make a sequel so they shat out A Christmas Story 2!

*Warlock holds up the DVD box*

America: I thought the sequel was A Summer Story?

Warlock: Shaddup, THIS is the sequel.

America: Ok, anything you say.

Warlock: So without further adieu, let’s get started with A Christmas Story 2.

 

“The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Five years later, Ralphie has his eyes fixed on a car. But trouble is sure to follow.”

America: Of course trouble follows, otherwise it wouldn’t be a movie.

Warlock: Wait, 5 years later? Didn’t he say he was 9 in the first one? Wouldn’t he be 14 at this point? The hell does he need a car for then?

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: Talk about cheap opening credits.

 

*Old Ralphie (Nat Mauldin) narrates*

Warlock: Look at that AWFUL CGI. You know, not that the first narrator was Morgan Freeman or anything, but you’d think they’d have gotten someone relatively famous to be Old Ralphie. At least he sounded old in the first movie. This movie is 10 seconds old and it already sucks.

America: I’m just gonna be entertained by your disparity of this movie.

 

*Old Ralphie says its been years since the lamp broke that locked the parents in mortal combat*

Warlock: FINISH HIM! That would have been cool.

 

*Randy (Valin Shinyei) apparently has no recollection of the first movie. He is a Buck Rogers fan. He tags the milkman as Ralphie (Braeden Lemasters) checks himself out in the mirror. He still has the same glasses and Old Ralphie shills Vitalis*

Warlock: VITALIS????

 

*Mother Parker (Stacey Travis) tells Randy to get ready for school. Randy “You can’t trust that sonovabitch!”

Warlock: She at least looks like the first movie’s mother.

 

*Mother asks where the boys pick up their language as Old Man Parker (Daniel Stern) curses and rants inside the furnace*

Warlock: Daniel Stern in the house.

 

*Old Ralphie says nothing changed. Old Man says if he owned the White Sox things would be different*

Warlock: Took them 60 years to win a world series

 

*Mother still gathered grease like it was gold dust*

Warlock: Shhhhhhhhhhhhh Goldust….

 

*Flick (David W Thompson) and Schwartz (David Michael Paul) say Rita Hayworth is playing at the Majestic*

Warlock: So is this supposed to be the 50’s now?

America: I assume so.

 

*The trio check out a new car*

Warlock: That is a nice car.

 

*The trio announces its Buick Fireball Straight Eight. Old Ralphie says the trio was about to turn 16*

Warlock: Hold on, Ralphie was 9 in the first movie….how the hell could he be 16 if “a few years” passed? This movie has zero consistency.

America: Your disdain entertains me.

Warlock: My foot up your ass is gonna entertain you.

 

*Ralphie cleans out a trashcan backing up his father’s car*

Warlock: HA…ha.

 

*Old Man screams “Son of a bitch!”

Warlock: Ha.

 

*Old Man “Stop sign!”

Warlock: Hahahha

 

*Drucilla Gootrad (Tiera Skovbye) is Ralphie’s crush. She’s with Todd Chapin (Nick Mandryk) the captain of the basketball team*

Warlock: Ok, here’s a love interest. Let’s see how they screw this one up.

America: What’s your problem now?

 

*Ralphie daydream that a Nazi interrogator (Alex Zahara) has Drucilla tied up. Ralphie barges in and shoots the fan ontop of his head. She kisses him to end the day dream*

Warlock: That was awful.

America: Ugh.

 

*Old Man “Any pea brain can go buy a new car. Buying a used one, you gotta be on your toes. Treat the gas like your wife and the clutch like your mother in law*

Warlock: That is funny.

America: Okayyyy

 

*Hank Catenhauser (Gerard Plunkett) tries to sell Old Man a car. Ralphie and Old Man con him into lowering the price by saying there’s no room in the back*

America: That was your amazing bargaining trick? Say its not roomy?

 

*Ralphie spots a dilapidated 1939 Mercury Model Eight Convertible and he goes gaga. Old Ralphie says its the greatest car of all time*

Warlock: Is that the greatest car of all time?

America: Not a car guy, wouldn’t know.

 

*Ralphie has a day dream of riding with Drucilla and she kisses his cheek*

Warlock: Now that’s more like it.

 

*Old Ralphie says his father was full of cliches. “If anything can go wrong, it will.”

America: You mean Murphy’s Law?

 

*Ralphie puts an ad for the car into a magazine. He says lightning doesn’t strike twice but he’s got experience. Ralphie then drops hints that he needs his own car*

Warlock:This is the first movie.

 

*Ralphie plays the cymbals as Drucilla plays the flute. Old Ralphie says that 45 minutes of band practice was the highlight of his day because he was right behind her and could smell her shampoo*

America: I’d love to see him fall or get lost in a day dream and cartoon style bash her head with the cymbals.

Warlock: That would be the greatest thing in the history of American television.

 

*Ralphie plays the cymbals orgasmically. The teacher says “A little less holiday spirit Mr Parker.”

Warlock: WOW, LOOK AT THAT ENTHUSIASM!!

America: Why shout?

 

*Schwartz, Flick and Ralph watch the car Ralph wanted. Old Ralphie says people would be lining up to hurl checkbooks at Hank*

Warlock: Yes,literally.

 

*Ralphie gets behind the wheel. He goes to leave but gets caught on the clutch. He accidentally triggers it and the car rolls off the ramp. Ralph glances into a post and his pants are ripped off. A reindeer falls through the roof. “Oh fudge”

Warlock: This is ridiculous.

 

*Hank wants 85 dollars by Christmas Eve or he’ll call the cops. Old Ralphie says he, Flick and Schwartz were NATO*

America: You’re comparing yourselves and mode of attack to the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. That’s a bit dramatic. Next they get a papercut and one of them says they’re going to bleed out.

 

*Schwartz figures out Randy is spying on them so he opens the door, Randy falls in. Flick says to just ask his father for 85 dollars. Flick and Schwartz say its his only option. Ralphie says he can join the Navy, change his name and grow a beard*

Warlock: This dialogue is terrible.

 

*Ralphie has a daydream Flick and Schrwartz lead him to the business end of a noose*

Warlock: This is painful.

 

*Ralphie asks for 85 dollars, Old Man screams and says no way. Ralphie says he’ll pay him back. Old Man says he COULD give him the money but that will teach him nothing. Back upstairs Schwartz and Flick says a prison sentence would be minimal*

Warlock: They can’t call the cops on a minor could they?

America: They could call the cops on whoever they want.

 

*Ralph says he’ll get a job at Higbee’s. He has a day dream Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Ross Douglas) honors him for his service at Higbee’s*

Warlock: They’re taking the daydream element and butchering it completely.

 

*Ralphie throws money around in his daydream until he sees Drucilla. He dances with her ballroom style and kisses her*

Warlock: Give it a rest!

 

*Old Man continues to fight with the furnace*

Warlock: Daniel Stern is doing his best, but he can’t save this by himself.

 

*Mother puts spare change dropped on the ground into a container*

America: This is their way of following the formula from the first movie. I’m guessing she’s saving up money for him.

Warlock: I’m thinking its for a car for herself.

 

*Old Man says he needs a new furnace*

Warlock: He needs a hot dog!

America: Why?

 

*Old Man throws the heating guy (C Ernst Harth) out*

Warlock: Shoot him with the BBgun.

 

*Old Man refuses to pay for turkey. He storms out. George (Viv Leacock) calls him a cheapskate. The Christmas Eve dinner will now be fish if they can catch it*

Warlock: This movie is getting worse.

 

*Old Man asks Randy if he wants to catch Christmas Eve’s dinner. Randy “This won’t end well.” Ralphie, Schwartz and Flick apply for jobs and get drafted military style*

Warlock: His monologue is making me sick.

 

*Hildred (Darla Fay) teaches them how to wrap*

Warlock: Someone should bury their face in her ass.

America: NO! For the love of god no!

 

*Old Man and Mother go furnace shopping*

Warlock: So everything he owns is falling apart and he refuses to pay normal prce to fix anything.

 

*Angry customers flood Higbee’s as Hildred takes a Jack Daniels break. Schwartz giftwraps a baby by accident*

Warlock: Oh god….

 

*Flick walks with a stack of shoeboxes*

America: Please drop them.

 

*Schwartz sprays himself in the eyes with perfume*

Warlock: Saw that coming.

 

*Dog nearly cleans out Schwartz*

America: Hahaha

 

*Schwartz is chased by an angry sailor after spraying a woman’s breast with perfume. More shenigans has them short 12 dollars already*

Warlock: I’m gonna sing now

America: No.

 

*Old Man tries to teach Randy how to fish. Randy asks why no one else is there. Old Man says everyone is a sucker. Montage of Randy and Old Man freezing. Old Ralphie “This is why Randy still lives in Fort Lauderdale.”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Old Man rants and raves about fish. Randy mouths “Help me”. Old Man “Parker residence, its your dime!”

Warlock: They’re hammering home the fact he’s a complete cheapskate with a railroad spike.

 

*The furnace blows again and Old Man shouts at it. “Its your last night on earth!”

Warlock: Good grief. Poor Daniel Stern is doing his best.

 

*Old Man has a new oiler installed. Randy cries about fishing. Old Man says the new burner runs like a charm. Old Ralphie “Six months later he’d have these guys in small claims court, but no matter. It was time to savor the moment.”

Warlock: My god…halfway there. We’re halfway home…..half-way done.

 

*Randy cracks a tooth and Mother says she needs to get him to Dr Straussen (Tony Alcantar). Randy then cries that he wants to go fishing*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Ralphie walks away from the filing system as Flick sticks his tongue in it and gets caught*

Warlock: Really?

 

*Santa (Garry Chalk) is a pervert*

America: I’ve seen him somewhere before.

Warlock: Legendary voice actor.

 

*Randy fights Mother about the dentist. He used a pedal pushed drill and no novacaine*

America: They really introduced this guy as a villain.

Warlock: Jesus H Christ this movie is awful.

 

*Santa “You waited 2 hours in line to ask for a bed spring?”

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Randy is carried out by Mother. Meanwhile a kid wants a car tire. Ralphie yells at Santa and tells the kids Santa isn’t worth it. Meanwhile Flick and Schwartz get into a shoving match. Santa “Here we go, Elf fight!” Schwartz and Flick use candy canes as swords*

Warlock: Ok this is a little amusing.

America: Now he suddenly cares?

 

*Santa taunts the kids as he leaves. Meanwhile Old Man fishes by himself until Mother arrives*

Warlock: I don’t get it. I’m jigging my keister out here.

America: What?

Warlock: This movie is pure torture. What did I do to deserve this?

 

*Mother catches fish on her first try. Old Man “Its prehistoric”

Warlock: THEY CAUGHT THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!!

 

*Really bad puppet fish with visible strings pops out of the hole*

Warlock: You can clearly see the strings.

 

*Old Man yells at Mother that she jynxed it. She yells at him that all he does is skimp. She calls him a cheap sonovabitch. Old Ralphie “She hadn’t uttered an obscenity in 30 years since she told a customer to “go to heck”

Warlock: I wanna know who wrote this movie and I want to beat them with a lego board.

 

*Ralphie, Schwartz and Flick get fired. Ralphie spots the kid from earlier, he’s homeless. Ralphie goes home and Mother says Old Man is still at the lake. Ralphie joins him. Old Man “Its 10 degrees out!” Ralph tries to say he got fired but Old Man puts him over so he doesn’t get a chance to. He gives a funny speech*

Warlock: Back in Bataan.

 

*Old Man returns frozen and without any fish*

Warlock: He’s worse than I am.

 

*Ralphie begs for his job back. The manager (Shawn Macdonald) gives him another chance by working outside as a reindeer mascot*

Warlock: Talk about a fate worse than death.

 

*Ralphie and Charity Guy (Darcy Michael) have a jingleoff*

America: We’re having a jingleoff

Warlock: Shoot him with the BBgun.

 

*Some guy punches Ralphie and puts a 5 on his antler. Ralphie then stamps forms inside as Drucilla scoffs*

Warlock: Poor kid.

 

*Ralphie is 88 cents short. He says he needs to pawn something. Schwartz says he has a lucky buck. He gives a sob story but Flick catches him on it. Later Ralphie goes to pay off his debt…but runs into the homeless family and uses the money to feed them*

Warlock: Saw that coming a mile away.

 

*Old Man says he tried to be frugal. Mother walks out with a fish she bought and prepared. Ralph gets a phone call to show up at Hank’s. He meets up with Hank and says he bought a tire and dinner for the homeless. He pays him 39 dollars and Hank reveals he sold the car Ralphie wanted. Next morning Ralphie and Randy open presents*

Warlock: This is almost the exact same script of the first movie.

 

*Old Man opens a present,its a tackle box. Randy gets a Buck Rogers playset. Ralphie gets a present from Aunt Clara. Its a sailor suit. Ralphie “Good lord.” Old Man “Sweet Jesus. He’s almost 16 is she that deranged?”

Warlock: Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa

 

*Mother figures out the suit is for Randy, not Ralphie. Ralphie chases down Randy and makes him dress up. They take a picture*

Warlock: Finally something funny.

 

*Ralphie leads Old Man to his present, a brand new leg lamp. Old Man says its the greatest Christmas in history. Mother drops her teacup and it smashes*

Warlock and America: Heh.

 

*Ralphie’s present is the car he wanted. He goes apeshit and jumps around like a madman. Old Man “That’s the last we’ll see of him for a while.” Ralphie does snow circles as Old Man turns on the leg lamp*

Warlock: I wish we could have seen the BBgun at least once.

 

*Old Ralphie says he failed his drivers test 4 times as his car rolls down the driveway. Drucilla stops it*

Warlock: Oh yeah, forgot about her.

 

*She knows more about cars than he does. Old Ralphie “Well? You gonna say something?”

Warlock: Yeah really.

 

*Drucilla says Ralphie has a lot of guts to stand up to that guy for the 5 dollar bill. Drucilla gives him a fruitcake*

America: Okay she just made the first move.

Warlock: He’ll get there.

 

*Drucilla says she broke up with Todd. Ralphie “I didn’t know that.”

Warlock: Just kiss her already.

 

*Ralphie begs Old Man to take Drucilla once around the block. He really does drive her around. Old Ralphie explains the BBgun was the best present he ever got…until now*

Warlock: Bullshit.

 

*End credits*

Warlock: Ugh….oh god….we made it…its a miracle. FALLALAALALALAAAAAAAA

America: Settle down.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3.

Warlock: I’ll say 2.5….that was a complete piece of crap knockoff of the original movie. Daniel Stern did his absolute best but couldn’t save the movie alone. They made no mention of the BBgun and half the movie was just stupid shit.

Final Grade: 2.5 out of 10 – Abysmal.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well we sure stepped into a big pile of bashit on this one. They took a cute concept that worked and completely butchered it. Every joke was telegraphed and the acting was absymal. The writers thought they could replicate the first movie and failed miserably. Ugh, well that concludes the Christmas special.

*Mr America gets up from the recliner*

America: Oh that was very bad.

Warlock: Well look at the brightside. At least you’re not on The Happy and Crappy Show.

America: What?

Warlock: Merry Christmas everyone.

186. A Christmas Story (1983)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers, gagroyle shades and an Ebeneezer Scrooge top hat. He’s holding a tea kettle of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host Ebeneezer Warlock….bah, humbug!

*Warlock walks inside the lair with his nose in the air*

Warlock: Merry Christmas from here at the Realm. Tonight we take a look at a movie I have never seen before, A Christmas Story.

*Mr. America is in the recliner dressed as Santa Clause complete with fake beard*

America: Still don’t know how the hell you’ve never seen before.

Warlock: When I was a kid my go-to Christmas movies were Home Alone 1 and 2, Miracle on 34th Street, A Muppet Christmas Carol, Its A Wonderful Life, Scrooged and Die Hard. Christmas Story was not one of them.

America: Well there’s a first time for everything, let’s get this started already.

Warlock: Geez, I thought I was the one with the bad attitude.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get started with A Christmas Story.

 

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “In the 1940’s, a young boy named Ralphie attempts to convince his parents, his teacher, and Santa that a Red Ryder B.B. gun really is the perfect Christmas gift.”

America: Thank God Clinton isn’t his parent.

 

*Movie opens with credits and Deck The Halls*

Warlock: Tis the season to waste money, fa la la la, la la la laaaaa

America: Sometimes I think you need to be declared legally braindead.

 

*Old Ralphie (Jean Shepherd) is telling the movie through flashback. Young Ralphie (Peter Billingsley) is running in the street*

Warlock: This movie’s a fucking flashback?

America: No shit Sherlock!

 

*More credits with jugband playing Deck The Halls*

Warlock: Is that you playing the tuba?

America: Hell no!!

 

*Carolers sing a song*

Warlock: That looks like Ron Jeremy on steroids.

 

*Higbees corner window is the high watermark of the Christmas season*

Warlock: Kirby Higbe?

America: I want the airplanes.

 

*Scott Farkus tells Ralphie to check out the trains*

Warlock: No, you want the trains instead.

America: No!

Warlock: What about the tank?

America: I’ll take that too.

 

*Ralphie looks at the Red Ryder air rifle and says its the greatest thing he’s ever seen*

Warlock: This was before The Rifleman right?

America: In the movie’s setting, I think so.

 

*Randy (Ian Petrella) and Ralphie are brothers that fight*

Warlock: Its you and Mr Wallstreet

America: Uhhh…no.

 

*Ralphie puts an ad for the air rifle in her Look magazine*

Warlock: Look….precursor to People.

 

*Mother Parker (Melinda Dillon) says Victor is the name of the Lone Ranger’s nephew’s horse*

Warlock: That IS correct.

 

*Old Man Parker (Darren McGavin) talks about the crossword puzzle and Ralphie says Flick (Scott Schwartz) saw grizzly bears outside the door*

Warlock: WHAT?

 

*Mother ask Ralphie wants he want for Christmas. Ralphie says the air rifle. She says he’ll shoot his eye out*

Warlock: How could you possibly shoot your eye out.

America: Uh…horribly mishandling a rifle.

Warlock: But you’re shooting at someone, I can see shooting someone else’s eye out, but not your own.

America: Nevermind.

 

*Ralphie has a daydream of burglars invading the house and he fends them off in full cowboy outfit with an air rifle*

Warlock: You know, if burglars were attacking the house, I don’t think a BB gun would scare them off.

America: No, they wouldn’t!

Warlock: Even in Home Alone it didn’t work.

America: Burglars don’t even need a bulletproof vest, all they need is a heavy jacket and the BB’s would bounce off.

 

*Ralph’s dream has his family asking him for help*

America: I don’t like this kid already.

Warlock: This was supposed to be the 1940’s?

 

*Ralphie shoots burglars with air rifle and they drop dead like its a real gun*

America: That dude is climbing a tree to get away.

Warlock: God damn burglars are so incompetent.

 

*Old Man Parker bitches and moans about life*

Warlock: He was the father in Billy Madison.

 

*Furnace blows. Parker “Dad gummit. WHO THE HELL TURNED IT ALL THE WAY DOWN AGAIN?”

Warlock: Hahahahahhaa

 

*Old Ralphie “Getting ready for school was like getting ready for extended deep sea diving”

Warlock: A Christmas Story: The Abyss!

America: The kid’s not ready,he isn’t a mummy yet.

 

*Randy can’t pull his arms down because he’s got too many layers*

Warlock: Are you kidding me? It can’t be THAT cold.

America: Is the kid still screaming?

Warlock: Yup

America: He makes a great scarecrow.

 

*Flick knocks over Randy who can’t get up*

America: So you’re a turtle now?

Warlock: He can get up just fine. I love how Ralphie has books but Randy doesn’t.

 

*Ms Shields (Tedde Moore) tells the kids to take their seats*

Warlock: Where do I put it?

America: Shaddup.

 

*Entire class has fake teeth as a prank*

Warlock: I’d love to see a kid be like “No these are my real teeth, OWWWWWWW”

 

*Silas Marner*

America: What? She claimed a book about aviation.

 

*A triple dog dare by Schwartz has Flick sticking his tongue to a pole*

Warlock: Who does that?

 

*Flick actually gets stuck, the kids just run away back to school*

America: Don’t just stand there, help him you morons?

 

*Ralphie “The bell rang!”

America: Tell someone you dumbass?

 

*Miss Shields asks where Flick is. Old Ralphie “Flick? Flick who?”

Warlock: What the hell kind of a name is that?

 

*Shields looks out the window and sees Flick still stuck to the pole. “Oh my god”

Warlock: Look at Shields’ butt.

America: What? No!!

 

*Schwartz: “Its the fire department! Its the cops!” Ralphie is sitting at his desk*

Warlock: If only he was reading the newspaper.

 

*Flick staggers back to his seat in class*

America: All I can say is you better not ask him any questions.

 

*Shields says Flick refused to give up who put him up to it*

America: Of course he couldn’t, who could understand him?

Warlock: *Stands up* IT WAS AMERICA!!

America: It wasn’t me!

 

*Shields wants the kids to write a theme. They complain. Shields “What you want for Christmas” Ralphie is excited*

Warlock: Yeah imagine writing that down now. “I want a gun for christmas”

America: Uhhhhh

 

*Flick, Schwartz and Ralphie hear Scott laughing maniacally*

Warlock: Maniacal laugh.

 

*Scott Farkus had yellow eyes. He screams and the kids run away*

Warlock: All he’s doing is doing a Bozo imitation.

 

*Grover Dill (Yano Anaya) chases the kids as Scott knocks Randy down. Old Ralphie “Randy laid there like a slug, it was his only defense”

America: A slug? More like a possum. A slug implies he was trying to get away slowly. He’s not moving.

Warlock: What about the Chewbacca defense?

America: How does THAT play into this?

Warlock: Well he could bore him to death explaining.

 

*Scott makes Schwartz say uncle. Old Ralphie “You were a bully, a toady or a nameless rabble of victims”

Warlock: The toady was shorter than the other kids. I would have stomped him.

*Old Man Parker is attacked by dogs. Old Ralphie “Aha, the Bumpus hounds. Da da da da! They had at least 785 smelly hound dogs. They ignored every other human being except my old man.”

Warlock: Hahahahahahahaha

*Old Man Parker sings and dances that he won*

Warlock: He probably won a cup of coffee or something.

*Mother Parker “How are they going to send a Bowling Alley in one night?”

Warlock: They snapped their fingers and it appeared

America: What are you talking about?

*Randy hasn’t eaten voluntarily in 3 years*

Warlock: He looks like Donatello

America: I doubt that.

*Mother uses psychology to get Randy to eat dinner like a pig*

Warlock: He should have been named Bacon.

America: How is that supposed to make sense? The kid is making a mess.

Warlock: This is going on way too long.

America: Ok, it may have been cute the first couple of seconds, but seriously, stop.

*A knock on the door signals the arrival of his package. Delivery dude has no idea what’s in the box*

Warlock: What is that, a coffin?

America: You’re calling THAT a coffin?

*Parker “Fra-Gel-ley, must be Italian”

Warlock: What a moron!

*Parker opens up the box, throws back the hay….and pulls out a small lamp in the shape of a leg*

Warlock: Why the giant crate for that?

America: I’m wondering the same thing.

*Mother doesn’t like it, Ralphie does*

Warlock: Now what’s he gonna do with the fucking crate?

*Parker plugs in the lamp in the overcrowded outlet.The fuse blows and the house goes dark. Parker “Its alright, its alright”

America: Oh yeah, that isn’t a fire hazard.

Warlock: They could always hold their nose.

*Ralphie plays along with Parker. Mother doesn’t like it*

Warlock: We’re about a half hour in and I really don’t see how this is supposed to be famously funny.

*Swede (Bob Clark) is amazed that Parker won the lamp*

Warlock: Heh, he directed this movie.

*Ralphie listens to Little Orphan Annie on the radio*

Warlock: Not exactly Ryan Seacrest.

*Ralphie hands Shields his theme paper. He has a daydream of Shields dressed as an 1800’s British schoolmarm giving everyone an F except Ralphie*

Warlock: This is ridiculous. I’m gonna take my pants off.

America: I’m gonna leave the room if you do that.

*Ralphie is carried away on Flick’s shoulders as everyone cheers*

America: No! Not even close.

Warlock: Is this where the writers of Doug got their inspiration.

*Grover and Scott chase the boys away*

Warlock: Alright this is getting old too.

 

*Parker and the family goes tree shopping*

Warlock: Bring a chainsaw.

America: Why???

 

*Tree salesmen (Leslie Carlson) tries to tell family that trees are built to last*

America: If he was trying to sell me that the tree was made, I would have walked away.

Warlock: No you wouldn’t have, you would have put a turban on your head, bowed down and thanked him.

America: No I wouldn’t have you ignominious fool! With the quality of those trees, the better question is “Is he selling firewood?”

 

*Ralphie, Randy and Mother sing Jingle Bells badly*

Warlock: That’s not singing, they’re just screaming loudly. I feel bad for the actor who has to listen to multiple takes of this.

 

*The tire blows on Parker’s car*

Warlock: What did he run over, a fucking railroad spike?

America: I don’t know.

 

*Mother makes Ralphie help Old Man*

Warlock: He gets run over, movie’s over.

America: HA!

 

*Ralphie held the hubcap with the bolts on it and it was knocked out of his hand. Ralphie “Oh fudge.” Old Ralphie “Except I didn’t say fudge, I said THE word.”

Warlock: POW! BING! WHAP!

 

*Old Man rats out Ralphie. Later Ralphie has a bar of soap in his mouth. Old Ralphie says he became a connoisseur of soap over the years*

Warlock: Ha!

 

*Ralphie rats out Schwartz as the one who told him the F word. Schwartz mom beats him senseless*

Warlock: That would be funny if it wasn’t eerily truthful to how parents worked back then.

 

*Ralphie has a daydream of him being blind. Parents ask how he went blind, Ralphie “It was soap poisoning” Parker cries*

Warlock: I told you not to use lifebuoy.

America: I didn’t!

 

*Boys run from Scott and Grover again*

Warlock: Why didn’t Schwartz beat the shit out of him the next day?

 

*Students give Miss Shields presents, Ralphie brings her a fruitbasket. Old Ralphie “A little bribe never hurts”

Warlock: What is he bribing again?

America: Remember the BB gun?

Warlock: What could SHE do about it?

America: Nothing.

 

*Ralphie gets his decoder pin in the mail from drinking Ovaltine*

Warlock: Pierre Andre?

 

*Ralphie listens to Little Orphan Annie. He gets the secret code and runs to the bathroom to translate it. B-e-s-u-r-e-t-o-d-r-i-n-k-y-o-u-r-o-v-a-l-t-i-n-e. Ralphie “That’s all it is? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch”

Warlock: What a sham.

 

*A glass window shatters. Dad runs out, Mother reveals she accidentally broke the leg lamp. Old Ralphie says it was a family controversy for years following*

Warlock: This movie is ridiculous.

 

*There’s no glue to repair the lamp. He runs out to buy some*

Warlock: We’re 53 minutes in….so when does this shit get funny?

America: You tell me.

 

*Parker can’t fix it. He buried it in the backyard. Old Ralphie says he could hear Taps*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Grover and Scott make Flick say uncle. Meanwhile Ralphie gets a C+ on his theme. He envisions Shields and Mother dressed up as a witch and a jester saying “You’ll shoot your eye out”. Later Ralphie walks home dejected until he eats a snowball from Grover*

Warlock: This means war.

 

*Scott makes fun of Ralphie. Ralphie tackles him*

Warlock: Sacked at the 5 yard line.

America: He’s got a good 3 feet and a half of second to react.

 

*Ralphie pounds on Scott, the kids gather around. Old Ralphie “A fuse blew and I had gone out of my skull” Ralphie pushes Grover away and continues the assault, bloodying Scott*

Warlock: Ok,the big climax where the bully gets his comeuppance came a little early.

 

*Mother pries Ralphie off of Scott and he cries in her arms. Scott looks around as Flick and Schwartz chuckle and walk away*

Warlock: Still got a half hour left and the bully beatdown is over.

America: Are you not enjoying the movie?

Warlock: Oh no, I enjoyed that.

 

*Randy hides under the sink and cries because he thinks Old Man Parker will kill Ralphie*

Warlock: Why would the father kill Ralphie?

America: Who knows?

 

*Mother shuts the cabinet on Randy as Ralphie cries in bed in fear of his father. Father comes home and says “What’s for dinner? I’m starving to death”

Warlock: Uh, I hate that. Make something yourself you lazy bum.

 

*Mother rats out Ralphie for fighting with Scott. Mother says the Bears are playing the Packers that Sunday*

Warlock: What year was this? George Halas should stomp on this movie.

 

*Ralphie thinks by asking Santa for the BB gun, he’ll get it*

Warlock: That never works. I’m still waiting for the Kriss Kross Krash car set I asked for when I was 9.

America: Well keep waiting!

 

*High school band plays Santa Clause is Coming To Town*

Warlock: Is that you on the clarinet?

America: No! And how does Wizard of Oz fit into a Christmas parade?

Warlock: The Tin Man is Santa Claus.

America: You’re a clown.

 

*Santa (Jeff Gillen) rides by*

Warlock: I thought he was in a tank.

America: Its NOT a tank.

 

*Santa is set up on top of a slide. Ralphie is in a suit and tie*

Warlock: Why is he in a coat and tie?

America: Who knows.

 

*Kid with goggles (David Svoboda) says he likes Santa*

Warlock: Is that Hans’ kid?

America: Who?

Warlock: Nevermind.

 

*Santa “If Higbee thinks I’m working a minute pass 9 he can kiss my foot”

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Ralphie tells the Wicked Witch (Helen E Kaider) to get lost. The male Elf (Drew Hocevar) sends a kid down the slide as The Head Elf (Patty Johnson) makes fun of the kid*

Warlock: You know somebody important is going down that slide.

 

*The mall is closing with Ralphie still in line. Randy screams and is sent down the slide. Ralphie is brought to Santa who freaks him out. Ralphie freaks out. Santa says he’ll give him a football. Ralphie goes halfway down the slide but stops himself. He says he wants the air rifle. Santa “You’ll shoot your eye out kid.” Santa pushes him down*

Warlock: It…

America: Failed!

 

*Randy and Ralphie lie in the cotton “snow” dejected*

Warlock: What a failure.

 

*Mother and Old Man set up the Christmas Tree and the fuse box blows*

Warlock: The house gets set on fire.

America: No!

 

*Mother and Old Man send Ralphie and Randy upstairs to bed on Christmas Eve*

Warlock: What, no feast?

 

*Ralphie wakes up Christmas morning*

Warlock: 20 minutes left, lets end this.

 

*Ralphie looks out the window and says “Wowwww”

America: Are you wowing at snow?

Warlock: The snow’s been there all movie.

 

*Ralphie and Randy run downstairs. There are toys everywhere. The parents walk downstairs groggy*

Warlock: Yup, very accurate.

 

*Everybody opens presents. Randy and Ralphie get clothes from their aunt and they throw them over their shoulders*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Ralphie gets a pink bunny rabbit onsie. Old Ralphie “My aunt Clara perpetually thinks I was not only 4 years old but a girl as well.”

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Mother demands Ralphie try it on*

Warlock: Are you kidding me???

 

*Old Man gets a blue bowling ball for Christmas*

Warlock: He looks like he’s gonna hit her with it.

 

*Ralphie walks downstairs in the bunny onsie. Old Ralphie “If Flick saw me this I’d be the laughingstock of Warren G Harding school*

Warlock: Oh god, so true.

 

*Old Man “You look like a deranged Easter Bunny. Take that off!”

Warlock: My dad would have burned it before I could.

 

*Old Man tells Ralphie he’s got one present left behind the desk after all are opened. Mother asks how it got there. Old Man says Santa brought it*

Warlock: Nice kayfabe.

 

*Ralphie opens it and its the Red Rider BBGun*

Warlock: Imagine if he didn’t get the gun?

America: This would be the worst, lamest movie EVER if he didn’t.

 

*Old Man admits he had one when he was eight years old. Mother says don’t shoot any animals. Old Man “Except the hound dogs.”

Warlock: Don’t tell America that.

 

*Ralph shoots and the BB riccochets back and knocks his glasses off. He steps on them trying to find them. Ralphie fakes being hit by an icicle*

Warlock: Really?

 

*Ralphie continues to sell the icicle story as the father stalks the turkey*

Warlock: He eats it and dies.

 

*Ralphie looks at the camera and smiles*

Warlock: He just broke the fourth wall.

 

*The hound dogs enter the house and knock over the turkey. Old Man “Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!”

Warlock: Really?

 

*Old Man says they’te going to Chop Suey Palace. The chinese father (John Wong) makes fun of his own crew (Johan Sebatian Wong, Fred Lee, Dan Ma) who can’t sing in English*

Warlock: Yeah, this isn’t racist or anything.

 

*Waiter cuts the duck’s head off. Old Ralphie “All was right with the world.”

Warlock: Ok that was funny.

 

*Mother shuts out the light. She and Old Man watch the snowfall next to the Christmas tree. We Wish You A Merry Christmas plays as Old Ralphie says the gun was the best gift he ever got. End credits*

Warlock: Thank fucking God its over.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I’ll give it a 5

The Warlock’s Assessment: 5 out of 10…holy moly. For years I heard this was a classic movie but there was nothing classic about it. I laughed a handful of times but it wasn’t one of those laugh yourself hoarse like Home Alone. The acting was solid but there was something missing that made it “classic”. I didn’t laugh my balls off like I did with other Christmas movies. It wasn’t a bad movie but definitely not a classic.

Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: What in the world makes this a classic? The story is cute and the acting was solid but it wasn’t that funny to be considered on the same level as Home Alone. It wasn’t as heartwarming as Miracle on 34th Street or Its A Wonderful Life. Even Scrooged made me laugh my balls off more than this movie. Still, it has its moments so its not a waste of time or anything. Well that about wr…..

*Mr. America cuts him off by getting up and preparing to leave*

America: I’m afraid I’ll have to cut this short. I gotta get going.

Warlock: Already?

America: Yeah, I’m playing Santa again at the orphanage and the kids are waiting.

Warlock: Ok then, see you around.

*America makes his exit*

Warlock: Damn….now what? Wallstreet is in Florida, Neyz, Lady T and Thug D are with their families. I’m alone on Christmas.

*Warlock flashes back to last Christmas*

Warlock: Thug D said someday I’d be alone.

*We are shown the Christmas Future scene from last year’s Christmas special with a haggard, broke and desperate Warlock all by himself on Christmas. Present day Warlock looks in the mirror and sees the haggard one before shaking his head. Warlock then walks into the viewing room and looks around*

Warlock: Apart from everything still intact, I may as well be the desperate, haggard looking Warlock I saw in my future. Maybe this is the start……..this sucks.

*Warlock slumps into the recliner and looks at the picture on the wall of himself, Wallstreet, America and Ooga Booga*

Warlock: Even Ooga Booga wouldn’t want anything to do with me on Christmas.

*Warlock goes into the bed room and slumps on the bed*

Warlock: Maybe Thug D was right last year. Maybe I am destined to be alone, haggard and desperate. Maybe I really do drive my friends away. I don’t want to be around to find out, I wish I never put them through all that torture. Maybe I should have never been born. Wish there was some way to reverse that.

*All of a sudden a flashing light appears and Thug D dressed as an angel appears*

Warlock: You gotta be fuckin…kidding…….

 

*To Be Continued*

185. Creed (2015)

*The graphic T-H-E-W-A-R-L-O-C-K scrolls by to the Rocky theme as The Warlock sprints down the street. He’s wearing a gray hooded sweatshirt, maroon work out shorts and white sneakers. He runs up his steps and into the lair. He frantically massages his shoulders*

Warlock: HABOOOOO, OOOHAHOHAOWOWWWWWWW!!!

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*

Neyz: What the hell’s the matter with you?

Warlock: I tried going for a run but its 35 degrees outside.

Neyz: You’re the idiot for running outside in December in shorts.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and flame appears in his hand, he holds it towards vital areas to warm himself up*

Neyz: So what piece of garbage are you going to make me suffer through this time?

Warlock: Actually its not a piece of garbage, we’re doing something good.

Neyz: I still don’t trust you.

Warlock: Here.

*Warlock walks over to the TV and tosses a blu ray case to Neyz*

Neyz: Creed?

Warlock: Yup. Tonight’s movie is a tribute to the FORTY year anniversary of the release of the original Rocky. We’re doing Rocky 7…..otherwise known as Creed. A now elderly Rocky Balboa trains the bastard son of Apollo Creed.

Neyz: He’s not a bastard, he knows both his parents.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Let’s get this party started with Creed.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock:  “The former world heavyweight champion Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) serves as a trainer and mentor to Adonis Johnson (Michael B Jordan), the son of his late friend and former rival Apollo Creed”

Neyz: Hadn’t we had enough of Rocky movies?

 

*Movie opens with MGM*

Warlock: AHHHH!

Neyz: Oh for Christ sakes Warlock.

 

*Graphic “Los Angeles California: 1998*

Warlock: Didn’t Apollo die in 85?

 

*Juvenile center has young Adonis beating the crap out of another kid*

Warlock: “My dad was the best of all time!”

 

*Mary Anne Creed (Phylicia Rashad) visits Adonis*

Warlock: They replaced the first Mary Anne with Mrs. Cosby

 

*Mary Anne tries to get through to Adonis that Apollo Creed is his father. Adonis “Nigga said something about my ma so I beat his ass”

Warlock: Can’t fault him for that.

 

*Mary Anne “He passed before you were born but he HAD a father” Adonis “What was his name?” Opening graphic CREED*

Warlock: That’s his name.

 

*Older Adonis gets taped up to fight in Mexico*

Neyz: Ooooh look at that body.

 

*Folk music plays as Adonis makes his way to the ring*

Warlock: Not exactly fitting.

 

*Referee is white and bald*

Warlock: Is that Mills Lane? Damn he’s fallen off.

 

*Adonis knocks his opponent cold in the first round*

Warlock: First round knockout

 

*Adonis is typing out his letter of resignation for his office job 12 hours later*

Neyz: He’d be in a lot of pain.

 

*The boss asks Adonis what he’s going to do after quitting. Adonis blows him off*

Warlock: Damn, that was fast.

 

*Adonis watches his father Apollo (Carl Weathers) fight Rocky Balboa in the rematch. He shadow boxes like Apollo*

Neyz: We need a large big sceen.

 

*Adonis hits up Delphi Boxing Academy where Apollo used to train. Duke Burton Jr (Wood Harris) tells him his father died in the ring. Duke refuses to train him to protect him and wants to make sure no one else does either*

Neyz: Why is he being a jerk?

Warlock: Adonis is supposed to be a rich kid working in an office, these are street kids that NEED to fight to stay out of trouble. Think of Mike Tyson coming up through the streets and Malcolm-Jamal Warner decides to leave The Cosby Show to fight him.

 

*Adonis puts up the keys to his Mustang if anyone can knock him out. Kevin “The Bank” Grier steps up to take the bet. Adonis drops him and says “Who’s next?”

Warlock: Is he Goldberg?

 

*Danny “Stuntman” Wheeler (Andre Ward) steps up next. He’s a world ranked fighter*

Warlock: Andre Ward in the house. The legitimate world class boxer.

 

*Wheeler knocks out Adonis and Duke taunts him*

Warlock: What did he expect?

 

*Mary Anne confronts Adonis about his black eye. He admits he quit his job and wants to be a fighter. Mary gives an epic speech “You know how many times I had to carry your father up these stairs because he couldn’t? To wipe his ass because he couldn’t use his hands?” Adonis is adamant about fighting and thanks Mary for all she’s done. She tells him not to call her*

Neyz: That sucks.

 

*Adonis takes a cab to Philadelphia*

Warlock: How do you take a cab from LA to Philly?

Neyz: He probably took a train or a plane you dope.

 

*Family takes pictures in front of the Rocky statue*

Neyz: They moved it?

Warlock: Yep.

Neyz: Why?

Warlock: The art museum felt it wasn’t real art and demanded it be removed.

Neyz: Yes it was, its performance art. Who are those scumbag geek squads that demanded it be moved?

 

*Adonis hits up Adrian’s*

Warlock: Can we eat there?

Neyz: No, I don’t think they’re open.

 

*Rocky “How you doin?”

Neyz: Hey its him!

 

*Adonis asks Rocky who won the closed door fight. Rocky initially refuses. Adonis asks how he beat Apollo if he was the best. Rocky says time beat him, time is undefeated*

Warlock: That is true.

 

*Adonis pulls out more information nobody should know and Rocky gets suspicious. “What are you a cousin?” Adonis says he hasn’t talked to Mary Anne since Apollo’s funeral. Rocky starts to believe him. Adonis wants Rocky to train him. Rocky asks why he wants a fighter’s life when he had one. Adonis says its all he knows. Rocky says his father got killed because he didn’t stop the fight, Adonis counters with “That’s what he wanted.”

Warlock: Great dialogue.

 

*Adonis says he’s going to Mickey’s Gym tomorrow, Rocky says he hasn’t been there in a while. He asks who won the secret fight, Rocky says Apollo did*

Warlock: End of Rocky 3 revealed.

 

*”Pretty” Ricky Conlan (Tony Bellew) is about to serve prison time but has one last fight, he’s going to fight Danny Wheeler. Danny holds up an olympic medal*

Warlock: That’s Andre Ward’s real medal.

 

*Adonis can’t sleep because someone’s playing loud music. He says “Kick this dude’s ass”

Neyz: That’s me yelling at you.

 

*Adonis bangs on the door, Bianca (Tessa Thompson) answers. He goes lovestruck and says “I’m Donnie” Bianca blows him off*

Warlock: He’s awkward as hell.

 

*Adonis hits up Mickey’s Gym which is completely restored and modernized*

Warlock: Not exactly the same is it?

Neyz: Nope.

 

*Pete Sporino (Ritchie Cosner) trains his son Leo :”The Lion” Sporino (Gabe Rosado). Adonis signs up and asks if he knew Rocky, he says they grew up together. While jogging Adonis spots Bianca’s poster on a telephone pole, she’s a singer*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Bianca sings “Grip”

Warlock: Drip…..drip…..sink…..drip

Neyz: Cut it out.

 

*Adonis watches her awestruck*

Warlock: Pip…..pip…..squeak

 

*Adonis watches on TV the news of Conlan punching out Wheeler at the weigh-in. Wheeler says he plans to sue Conlan and the WBC for suffering a broken jaw. The superfight is now on hold*

Warlock: There’s your storyline.

 

*Adonis visits Rocky getting supplies for the restaurant. Adonis calls him “Unc” and Rocky is puzzled. Adonis “It was that or OG” Rocky “What’s an OG?” Adonis “Old ass Gangsta” Rocky “Unc” is good*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Adonis asks Rocky for some tips because Pete spends more time with Leo. Rocky asks if they know he’s a Creed. Adonis says no, he goes by his birth name because he wants to make it on his own. Rocky still refuses to train but Adonis asks for some drills. Rocky writes drills on a piece of paper. Adonis snaps a picture of it and walks away. Rocky “Don’t you need this?” Adonis holds up his phone “I got it in the cloud!” Rocky looks up “What cloud?”

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahahahahahaha

 

*Adonis calls Mary Anne and says he misses her and he’s doing well on his own. He hears Bianca’s music again and knocks on her door and asks her out. Bianca is skeptical but she goes out anyway*

Warlock: Not exactly Rocky and Adrian.

 

*Bianca puts in her hearing aid and walks out. She takes him to a steak shop named Max’s. They share bonding moments*

Warlock: Yay, character development.

 

*Adonis asks why the hearing aid, she has progressive hearing loss. Eventually she’ll be deaf*

Warlock: That’s powerful.

 

*She teaches him “Bullshit” in sign language*

Warlock:  I need to steal that.

 

*Bianca asks why he wants to fight. He says his father was a fighter. He asks why she wants to sing. She says it makes her feel alive. He wants to come to her next show*

Warlock: Awww isn’t that nice.

 

*Rocky visits Adrian and Paulie’s graves. Paulie died in 2013. Rocky starts reading the newspaper and talking as if they were there*

Warlock: Killing off the old guard one by one. Tony Burton died after this was made.

Neyz: Who?

Warlock: Apollo’s trainer.

 

*Rocky hits up Mickey’s Gym to see Adonis. He gets a heroes welcome when he walks in the door. Rocky without saying so blows off Leo to look for Adonis. Leo is 17-0. Adonis walks up and Pete asks how they know each other. Adonis says he met at the restaurant*

Warlock: Trying his best to make it on his own.

 

*Rocky pulls him aside and says Adonis needs to work harder than he ever has. We get a funny training montage with Rocky doing nothing and Adonis doing all the work. He catches the chicken easily. Rocky “Chickens are slowing down”

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahhaa

 

*Rocky makes Adonis stand in front of a mirror and says its his toughest opponent in boxing and in life. He teaches him how to slip a jab because when he throws a punch in the mirror, the mirror throws one back*

Warlock: Great life advice.

 

*Adonis hits up Bianca and freestyles badly*

Warlock: I can do better than that.

 

*Bianca and Adonis lay on the ground together, he kisse sher cheek*

Neyz: Ruh roh.

 

*They kiss for real*

Warlock: Awww, isn’t that sweet?

 

*Rocky trains Adonis in Mickey’s gym as Pete watches on visibly miffed. He wants Adonis to fight Leo in a warmup fight. Rocky says they’ll think about it. Adonis is mad that he won’t let him fight. Adonis says they got 6 weeks to train, he’ll move into Rocky’s house. Rocky admits he doesn’t walk around naked. Adonis says that’s fine and he gets in the van*

Neyz: Poor Rocky got roped.

 

*Rocky “You better not walk around naked either”

Neyz: That’s for sure.

 

*Adonis moves out of the apartment as Bianca watches. Adonis says Rocky is his uncle. Bianca says he’s white. Rocky “Yeah, a long time”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Adonis moves into Paulie’s old room.There’s a picture of Rocky and his son. Rocky says he moved to Vancouver and he rarely hears from him*

Warlock: In real life, Sage died a few years before and this was how Sylvester grieved, said it helped alot.

 

*Adonis picks up one of Paulie’s old dirty magazines. Adonis “Alright Paulie!”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Adonis is woken up by Rocky singing and dancing*

Warlock: Hahahaha

Neyz: He’s so cute

 

*Rocky says they’re gonna train at the Front Street Gym, it makes no sense to train at the same spot as his opponent. Rocky drives in the van and Adonis runs alongside*

Neyz: 3 hours later…

 

*The gym is in Frankford, Rocky says Philly guys are the toughest fighters in the world. The street bikes are a Philly thing. The gym is dilapidated but Rocky and Adonis like it that way. Rocky introduces Padman, Elvis Grant, Amir and Stitch (Jacob Duran). Amir (Malik Bazille) spars with Adonis and we get a training montage. Adonis and Amir get into a shoving and shouting match. Rocky “You’re not learning if you’re talking. You’re not listening if you’re talking.”

Warlock: Good advice.

 

*Adonis and Amir touch gloves and say they’re cool. We get a second montage with Adonis getting it*

Warlock: Not the same without the Rocky theme.

 

*Rocky and Adonis hit the speedbag together*

Neyz: That’s so cool.

 

*Pete pulls Rocky aside before the Adonis/Leo fight and says he knows Adonis is Creed’s son.Rocky asks Pete to keep it under wraps because Adonis wants to make it on his own. Pete “Secret’s safe with me.”

Warlock: Bullshit

 

*The fight is at the Blue Horizon*

Warlock: Always wanted to go there.

 

*Adonis needs his gloves cut off because he’s got to take a shit. He retreats to the bathroom. Stitch “That’s a first for me”*

Neyz: That’s so funny.

 

*The ref gives instructions to Leo and Adonis. They jab at each other when the fight begins*

Neyz: So he’s never fought before?

Warlock: Self taught himself to fight in Mexico.

 

*Adonis eats a jab and a hook before the crowd chants for Leo. Adonis keeps his elbows up and Leo tags him with a body blow*

Warlock: He telegraphed that one.

 

*Leo beats him from pillar to post to end the first round. Adonis is cut*

Warlock: He’s cut already.

 

*Leo fires up the crowd as the second round begins*

Neyz: I wonder if he’s a real fighter.

Warlock: Gabe Rosado? Yeah, he’s a middleweight.

 

*Adonis knocks out Leo and he jumps in Rocky’s arms. Rocky goes to shake Leo’s hand out of respect and Leo says “Lucky shot!”

Warlock: Nice.

 

*Adonis celebrates with Bianca and Rocky and says they’re gonna tear the city apart tonight. The next frame is Adonis and Bianca passed out with Rocky watching Skyfall on the couch*

Neyz: Hahaha few hours later

Warlock: More like 20 minutes later.

 

*Rocky puts a blanket on them and goes upstairs. Bianca wakes up and shows Adonis a mixtape she made. He makes out with Bianca on the couch and says Rocky’s asleep*

Neyz: I’d be pissed. I’d say at least move it to the bedroom,

 

*Cuff and Link are shown*

Warlock: Its probably them, turtles have a long life span.

Neyz: What about Butkus?

Warlock: Dogs don’t live that long.

 

*Rocky makes breakfast the next day. Bianca looks up Adonis’ fight and shoots him a glare*

Neyz: Ruh roh.

 

*An online news article shows Adonis is Apollo Creed’s son. Bianca is mad at him for not being honest. Adonis admits Apollo had an affair with his mom, she died when he was young. He bounced around foster care and juvi before Mary Anne picked him up. Adonis and Bianca make up*

Neyz: Awwww

 

*PTI has Tony Kornheiser talking about Adonis being Apollo’s son. Michael Wilbon says its a stretch that he can fight like Apollo can*

Warlock: Even in a movie Kornheiser is a dick.

 

*Tommy Holiday (Graham McTavish) is Ricky’s trainer. He says they need to fight Adonis for one last pay day. Ricky scoffs and says no one cares about Balboa anymore. Tommy says he has no choice because of his criminal behavior and his kids need a roof over his head*

Warlock: His mind is in the right place.

 

*Tommy calls up Rocky and requests a 30 minute business meeting. Rocky says sure and groans after*

Neyz: Awww shit.

 

*Tommy sits with Rocky and Adonis at Adrian’s. Rocky says Tommy is here because he knows Adonis is a sure thing. Tommy says the real reason is its Ricky’s last fight and he needs a big payoff. The only stipulation is Adonis has to change his fighting name from “Hollywood” Donnie Johnson to Adonis Creed just for the fight poster. Adonis refuses and Tommy says take a day to think about it*

Warlock: Its like a reverse Rocky 1.

 

*Adonis says he’s afraid of taking on his father’s name and losing. He doesn’t want to be a fake Creed. Bianca says he IS Apollo’s son, so use the name*

Warlock: She’s got a point.

 

*Adonis hits up Adrian’s and tells Rocky he wants to fight Conlan. He says Conlan is taller, has more reach, is faster and has more experience. He has to bring the fight to Conlan like he did with Apollo. Rocky says he doesn’t know if HE’S ready to be in the corner. Adonis says the only reason he’s taking the fight is Rocky is in the corner*

Warlock: Awww isn’t that a tearjerker.

 

*Adonis shouts “I’M FIGHTING PRETTY RICKY CONLANNNNNNNNN”

Warlock: There’s no need to shout.

 

*Rocky spars with Adonis for a bit. Rocky pukes then collapses and needs to be rushed to the hospital*

Neyz: Oh noooooo

 

*Rocky wants to go but Adonis and the doctor says to rest up. Next day Adonis and Bianca make dinner for Rocky. Rocky says he’s never had anything but Italian food*

Warlock: Cent’anni

 

*Rocky continues to train Adonis before he gets a phone call. He needs to see the doctor immediately. The doctor tells him he has Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma….a treatable form of cancer. The doc says they caught it early so he can begin treatment. He says Adrian tried that and it didn’t work.  Rocky refuses treatment and tells her not to tell anyone although she hands him brochures*

Neyz: That’s so sad.

 

*Back at the gym Rocky says he wouldn’t believe the traffic. Adonis “What, the senior bus ran late?” Rocky “That’s a cheapshot”

Warlock: Trying to make the best of it.

 

*Rocky says Adonis needs to look after himself. In the locker-room, Adonis finds the brochures and confronts Rocky about it. Rocky says he accepts what will happen but Adonis is pissed. Rocky gives a speech that he’s lost everything and he belongs in the past. Rocky “We’re not a real family”

Neyz: That’s fucked up.

 

*Rocky admits to himself that he shouldn’t have said that. Adonis visits Bianca who’s with Tone Trump (himself). Adonis is visibly miffed as Trump called him Baby Creed. Adonis tells him not to call him that and Trump doesn’t back down. Adonis says not to talk tough and Trump says he’ll give him a VIP seat next to his old man and Adonis drops him with a right hand and ends up jailed*

Neyz: He shouldn’t have said that.

 

*Adonis is in his own cell as Rocky comes to bail him out because he was fighting other inmates*

Neyz: Fighting the inmates, fighting the neighbors, fighting kids on the street.

 

*Rocky comes to apologize but Adonis screams at him and says he got his real family killed. Rocky says he’s not leaving until he explains himself. Rocky gives him a pep talk saying he’s mad at Apollo, not him. Forgive Apollo and forgive yourself. Adonis tells him to leave and Rocky walks out. Adonis cries*

Neyz: That sucks. He definitely needs a big timeout.

 

*Adonis is let go and he visits Bianca. She initially blows him off until he says Rocky is sick with cancer. “They want him to start chemo but he’s too macho for that shit.”  Bianca blows him off anyway and he’s pissed*

Warlock: He’s got abandonment issues and she pulls that shit? Get a new girl. She’s worse than that Black Chyna bitch or whatever her name is.

Neyz: Oh shut up.

 

*Adonis goes to the gym the next day but its closed. Some kid on a dirtbike says “That’s whatsup” and rides off. Adonis comes home to Rocky’s and Rocky says he saw cancer fighting with Adrian. Adonis doesn’t care “I fight, you fight.” Rocky puts his fist out, Adonis puts his out*

Neyz: *hums the Rocky theme*

 

*We get a montage of Rocky going through chemo with Adonis training in the hospital. An orderly checks on Rocky “Don’t hit the lady Adonis, she’ll probably drop you”

Neyz: Ha.

 

*Rocky throws up due to the chemo and as to wear a hat to cover his head. We are also shown Conlan training his ass off*

Warlock: Good, shows Adonis will have to beat Ricky on his best day.

 

*Rocky looks awful going through chemo but still trains Adonis anyway he can. Adonis runs with the dirtbike gang riding with him*

Warlock: The new generation.

 

*Adonis has the gang popping wheelies outside the gym giving a salute to Rocky. Meanwhile at the press conference Rocky warns Adonis that the fight starts when Conlan walks in, he’s going to start on him. The conference begins when Conlan walks in. Conlan trashes him but puts over Rocky, saying HE’S in Rocky’s cloth not Adonis. They nearly come to blows and have to be separated*

Warlock: Always something isn’t it?

 

*Rocky asks Adonis for a favor when the fight is over. Rocky keeps looking at the door, confusing Adonis. “You hear something?” Adonis finally hears a knock and opens the door, its Bianca*

Warlock: “Go away” CLICK!

Neyz: Shut up.

 

*Rocky leaves them alone but he says “legs”

Warlock: Hahahaha women weaken legs.

 

*Adonis walks into the dressing room at the fight venue. He has a gift package waiting for him. Bianca says its not from her. Its from Mary Anne. Its a pair of USA colored trunks with Creed on the front, Johnson on the back with a tag “Build your own legacy” Rocky “That’s gonna bring him luck*

Warlock: Perfect

Neyz: Oh yeah.

 

*Rocky gives a speech saying to do it for himself, not for Apollo or Rocky, himself. Adonis makes his way to ringside in the middle of the huge soccer stadium. Rocky says he’s never fought in front of that many people so use it*

Warlock: Yeah really.

 

*Adonis enters to a chorus of boos with Tupac as his theme*

Neyz: Word

 

*Michael Buffer (himself) claps for Adonis as the Liverpool crowd chants for Conlan. He enters to “Don’t Waste My Time”

Warlock: Isn’t this your favorite song?

Neyz: No.

 

*Conlan enters with a midget shooting fire in a cloud of blue smoke*

Neyz: What’s with the leprechaun?

 

*Max Kellerman (himself) asks if he can fight*

Warlock: What do you think?

 

*Buffer introduces the two fighters as Mary Anne watches at home. Adonis is 16-0, Conlan is 36-0*

Warlock: Somebodies 0 has got to go.

 

*They touch gloves and Conlan taunts him saying his father should be in his trunks, not him. Rocky says shut his big mouth*

Warlock: Here we go.

 

*Round 1 begins with Jim Lampley (himself) calling the action. Conlan beats him from pillar to post and drops him with an uppercut. Adonis takes the standing 8 count as the bell rings that busts open Adonis. Ricky “Is that real for you?” Ricky to Tommy “Gonna knock his ass out” Tommy “Don’t wait”

Warlock: Wouldn’t be much of a movie.

 

*Second round has Conlan on the run as Adonis begins to fight back, he busts open Ricky. They trade haymakers before the bell rings. Conlan and Adonis trash talk each other*

Warlock: Once again, there’s no way a fight like this goes the distance. You can’t pulverize each other that hard for that long before someone goes down.

 

*Conlan pounds Adonis in the third round and Adonis goes in the wrong corner*

Warlock: Over here fool!

 

*Montage has the rounds going by with Adonis making up ground. Adonis is taking a beating but he’s still standing. Rocky “Its you against you, he’s in the way, get him out of the way.”

Warlock: Good line.

 

*Various zoom ins of blood splatter, ice cracking, bell ringing, blows landing. Rocky says to pound the body and the head will fall*

Warlock: That’s how Ali beat Frazier in the third fight, Joe couldn’t move by the end.

 

*Conlan parries a jab and drops Adonis with a right hook. Adonis uses the slow motion effect to get up as Conlan celebrates thinking he’s done. Adonis gets up and Conlan is confused*

Warlock: Right out of the first movie.

 

*Adonis gets pounded in the 11th round. His left eye is swollen shut but the ref lets him go. Rocky says he’s gonna stop the fight. Adonis says hell no. Rocky says he never got a chance to thank Apollo after Mickey died so he’s thanking him now for giving him the will to live. When he goes home he’s gonna fight the cancer, but he’s gotta fight this round for him. “I fight, you fight.”

Warlock; Hell Yeah.

 

*Going the distance by Bill Conti plays as Adonis beats the ever loving shit out of Conland in the 12th round. Mary Anne “Knock his ass out!” Adonis drops Conlan, Mary Anne “That’s what I’m talkin about” Conlan makes it up at the end and the fight ends with Conlan still standing. Jim Lampley says he won respect. Buffer announces Conlan the winner by split decision. Conlan says Adonis is the future of this division and wear the name proud. Adonis thanks Mary Anne, Rocky, Bianca and the entourage. Max Kellerman asks Adonis if Apollo was there, what would he say? Adonis says he loves him and he’s proud to be a Creed*

Neyz: Why do reporters always gotta make it worse? He looks like Sloth from the Goonies with his eye like that.

 

*Kellerman “Conlan wins the fight, Creed wins the night”

Warlock: The proper ending.

 

*Rocky and Adonis hit up the art museum*

Neyz: Couldn’t they at least moved the statue back just for the movie?

 

*Rocky says he first ran up the steps when he was 12. Rocky “When you get to the top, you think you can fly.” Rocky has trouble walking up the steps but Adonis coaches him on. “One step at a time” Rocky “Who taught you that?” Adonis “Some old guy.” Rocky “I think they added a few more steps”

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Rocky and Adonis look out at the city at the top of the steps as the movie ends. End credits*

Neyz: Awww good movie.

 

*End credit: In Memory of Robert Chartoff 1933-2015*

Neyz: Who’s that?

Warlock: He produced all the Rocky movies and Raging Bull. Legendary producer.

 

Neyzor Blades’ Assessment: 9.5 out of 10. Its not a crap movie, good story, I love that Rocky is still adorable.

The Warlock’s Assessment: 9 out of 10. I thought this movie was just as good as the first movie and in some cases its better. It had amazing acting, amazing story and the fight scenes were done great. Stallone didn’t want to initially do the movie but he did it to grieve for his son. The only thing stopping me from saying this movie is better than the first was if Apollo died in 85, that would have made Adonis 30 at the time of the movie…that’s too old to start boxing. That’s trivial though. I highly recommend this movie and is a must see.

Final Grade: 9 out of 10 – Instant Classic

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: How fitting is it that 40 years after the first Rocky comes Creed which pays tribute by being just as good as the first. The original Rocky had the underdog, rags to riches story but this one kept up with family legacy and fighting for more than just in ring bouts. Honor your family how you can and be true to yourself. That about wraps up another instant classic adventure, have a pleasant evening.

*Warlock jumps up and is frozen as Eye of the Tiger plays*

Neyz: Will you cut that out?

184. Ghost Crazy (1944)

*The Warlock and Mr. America are watching the New England Patriots battle the Denver Broncos. The Warlock is on the middle of the couch wearing a Reebok Richard Seymour #93 jersey, jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. Mr. America is wearing a Nike Rob Gronkowski #87 jersey, jeans, black sneakers and aviator shades*

Warlock: Look like they’re gonna win this one 16-3.

America: Not enough offense. Don’t think they’ll win the Superbowl without Gronk.

Warlock: Please….if they lock up the first seed, Oakland and Pittsburgh would have to come to Gillette and I’m not afraid of either one of them there.

America: Wanna put a bet on it?

Warlock: Oh no, I made that mistake with Thug D last year.

America: Patriots had 18 guys on IR last year, you lose your balls this year?

Warlock: Ok fine, if the Patriots don’t win the Superbowl I’ll cover any movie you want.

America: And if they win?

Warlock: Oh ithat’s no secret, you’re doing Pearl Harbor with me.

America: NO!

*Suddenly the doorbell rings*

Warlock: Ah, perfect timing.

America: Who the hell could that be?

Warlock: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you.

*Warlock goes to answer the door*

America: So instead of telling me, you go and answer the door…nice

*Warlock opens the door*

Warlock: Long time no see!

*Warlock steps back and shakes hands with…Mr. Wallstreet, who enters wearing a green Nehru suit, blue tie, brown clogs and Roy Orbison sunglasses*

Wallstreet: Great to be back.

*America pops out of the recliner*

America: WHAT???

Wallstreet: Surprised?

*America shakes his hand*

America: You sonovagun, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?

Warlock: Because we wanted to see your reaction.

America: Oh, thanks.

Warlock: So how’s Florida been?

Wallstreet: Very lucrative, just wish I got there years ago. Ho’w the Realm been?

Warlock: Doing just fine, almost Christmas time and getting close to our 200th episode special.

Wallstreet: Good…good….hey is that us?

*Wallstreet goes over to the wall where the framed picture of Wallstreet, America, Warlock and Ooga Booga is*

Warlock: Sure is, I had it framed just after you left.

Wallstreet: That’s amazing.

Warlock: Yeah, I needed something to cover the bullet holes America left after our shootout with the Demonic Toys.

Wallstreet: You HAD to bring that up didn’t you?

Warlock: Sorry.

Wallstreet: Well, I didn’t come empty handed, you guys ready for a movie?

Warlock: Always ready, what’s the movie?

Wallstreet: Ghost Crazy.

America: What the hell is that?

Wallstreet: You’ll see, its a surprise.

America: Well, since its you and not Warlock, I trust your judgment.

Warlock: I resent that!

America: I don’t care.

*America goes to sit in the recliner, Wallstreet gives him a look, America stops and defers. Wallstreet sits in the recliner as America takes his spot on the right side of the couch. Warlock pops in the dvd and takes his spot on the left side of the couch*

Warlock: You remember how to do this?

Wallstreet: Like the back of my hand.

Warlock: Ok then, let’s get started with Ghost Crazy.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Three goofballs run up against ghosts and a giant gorilla in a haunted house.”

America: How the hell does a haunted house and a gorilla even mix in the first place?

Wallstreet: A swell place for a moider!

 

*Opening credits*

America: Shemp Howard? This just got more intriguing.

Wallstreet: There’s your surprise.

 

*We begin at the circus. The fat lady is named Lotta Fat who is 681 pounds of fat*

Warlock: SHE CAN’T BE MORE THAN 350!

Wallstreet: Wow, the fact you can even figure that out is frightening.

 

*Billy (Billy Gilbert) is introduced as the gorilla trainer. The gorilla is Shemp (Shemp Howard) in a costume*

Warlock: In case you had to guess, that’s Shemp.

 

*Billy “At 15 feet I didn’t move, at 10 feet I didn’t move, at five feet….I moved*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Billy makes Shemp scare the girl. In the back its revealed the real gorilla is named Barney*

Warlock: Barney the dinosaur takes a back seat.

 

*Billy and Shemp say they need a vacation. Shemp wants to go to Canada. Billy wants California. They have 20 dollars between them. Billy “It was a nice vacation while it lasted.”

Warlock: If he watched his money, it would have went out the window.

 

*Shemp and Billy nearly get wiped out by Maxie (Maxie Rosenbloom) who’s driving. Joan (Jayne Hazard) is scared her uncle Mr Gardner (John Hamilton) would be murdered. Ralph Williams (Tay Dunn) pulls over and says he sees something*

America: What does he see?

 

*The car catches fire and blows up. Williams runs back and everyone is unharmed because Maxie pulled everyone out in time. Mr. Gardner is skeptical*

America: Considering there is no damage, that was a pretty lackluster explosion.

Wallstreet: What a narrow escape!

 

*Billy slaps Shemp and says he’s making him sea sick*

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Dave Hammon (Bernard Snell) is driving Shemp and Billy. He pulls over and walks up to Gardner’s crew. He piles everyone in the car and has Maxie throw the bags in the car but leaves him behind*

America: Oh that’s so kind.

 

*Billy and Shemp make faces*

Warlock and America: Hahahaha

America: They’re sporting the look of “Is this really happening right now?”

 

*Dave and the others share character development. Billy thinks they’re calling HIM a gorilla*

America: Hahahaha

 

*Maxie rubs a car window with grease because the driver won’t give him a ride*

Warlock and America: Heh.

 

*Dave pulls up to a mansion with a cemetery in the front yard. Billy and Shemp refuse to go in the house. Ralph, Joan and Mr. Gardner say their goodbyes to Dave. Ralph asks if there’s any danger*

America: In the very beginning you said the life was threatened, and this idiot asks that?

 

*Mrs Benson (Minerva Urecal) asks Ralph if anything’s wrong, he says no. Dave asks Billy and Shemp to join him inside. Shemp makes monster motions. Billy says the girl was scared and there’s a cemetery. Shemp continues to make exaggerated motions*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Billy spots Mrs Benson and screams “TIMBERRRRRR”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Canned laughter has Billy about to attack Shemp*

Warlock: Yeah, you got Billy in the Moe role.

 

*Billy tells Dave he can hear someone laughing. He sees it with his own two ears*

Wallstreet: Hahahaha

 

*Ralph says goodbye so Billy says goodbye to Shemp as well. Mr. Gardner says his goodbyes as a door creaks open. Billy and Shemp run to the car and hide*

Warlock: Hearts of lions those two.

 

*Dave investigates the door and the electrician (Dan White) walks in. Mrs Benson says she forgot about him*

Warlock: Something is afoot.

America: That’s awful convenient she forgot to mention him.

 

*Billy says he’s going to have nervous indignation*

Warlock: Indigestion?

 

*Shemp says he pressed the horn, not blew it*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Benson asks why Joan came back. Benson insinuates Joan’s mother was killed there*

Warlock: Isn’t that too bad. This bitch is CREEPY.

 

*A figure sneaks up on Joan in a hat*

Warlock: I want his hat.

 

*Joan screams as Mr. Gardner, Dave, Shemp, Benson and Billy run in. Joan says she blacked out because she saw a man with a horrible face. Gardner asks where Williams is and Ralph walks right in, scaring Shemp and Billy*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Dave tries to defend Joan, he says they need to split up. He says he, Billy and Shemp  will help. Billy and Shemp “No!”

America: Ha!

Wallstreet: Ohhhh not me.

 

*Billy “Don’t worry, if we see something you’ll hear the loudest yell you’ve ever heard*

America: I believe him.

 

*Shemp and Billy run up to Gardner and he says the two will be no help at all*

Wallstreet: We can’t help it, we’re morons!

 

*Shemp and Billy pull 3 stooges routines while searching the house*

Warlock: Cast Moe as Billy and this is an hour long stooges special.

 

*Billy and Shemp hug each other scared. Billy “Follow me” and he hides behind Shemp. A picture keeps changing to scare Shemp*

Warlock: Another joke out of the Stooges.

 

*Billy “My glasses could be dirty.” Shemp “You’re not wearing glasses.” Billy “Well then they’re not dirty”

Warlock, America and Wallstreet: Hahahaha

 

*Billy tells the picture frame that one of them has to go. The guy in the frame (Buster Brodie) says he’ll go and pulls down a frame. Billy turns around and says “See, I told ya I’d fix it” before freaking out*

Warlock: That’s original.

 

*Shemp runs to the left and Billy says the voice is coming from the right, Shemp says that’s why he’s going left*

Warlock, America and Wallstreet: Hahahaha

 

*The crew finds Mr.Gardner knocked out. Benson walks in and asks if he’s ok. Dave asks how Benson could have known he was hurt to begin with? Shemp and Billy suspect Ralph. Billy and Shemp then ask if they can leave. Dave says they may as well*

Warlock: Time to go.

 

*Somebody downstairs makes a noise, Joan asks the three of them to stay the night. Dave says sure much to Billy and Shemp’s dismay. Joan asks Benson to prepare rooms for Dave and the stooges, Benson complains.Gardner forces her too*

Warlock: This would be a cool murder mystery without the stooge element, but that’s what makes it a comedy.

 

*Shemp pulls up the shade and Billy says pull it down. Shemp “I need to take a cold shower, I hope they have hot water”

Warlock: I’m stealing that.

 

*Billy pulls up the shade and the frame says “Hello”. He pulls it down again*

America: Heh.

 

*Billy gets his hat thrown back at him by an unidentified person in the room. Billy freaks and calls for Shemp. Shemp runs out in a white robe and Billy thinks HE’S the ghost*

Warlock: Hehehehe.

 

*Billy spots a real ghost when Shemp walks in, they spot it*

America and Wallstreet: Hahahha

 

*Shemp “Billy you can’t go out with one shoe”

Warlock: Yes he can, he won’t look good though.

 

*Shemp and Billy search the cemetery*

America: In today’s horror movie, they’d be dead.

 

*Billy finds the phony ghost costume and puts it on to scare Shemp while wearing his hat*

Warlock: He’s still got the hat on.

 

*Shemp freaks and runs away. Billy chases him and Shemp runs into a tree*

Wallstreet and Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Billy slaps Shemp. Shemp “Billy its you!”

America: Heh, he said do it again.

 

*A bush moves and Shemp freaks. Billy “Would you mind standing over there!” Billy runs away*

America: Hahahaha

 

*Grogan (Tim Ryan) walks up to Maxie outside the car*

Warlock: That guy wrote this script.

 

*Grogan pulls Maxie and says he’s gonna clock him*

Warlock: I wouldn’t do that, Maxie in real life was a world champion boxer.

 

*Barney the Gorilla (Art Miles) grabs Maxie from inside the cart, Maxie “Nice kitty”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Maxie runs away. Billy reports to the group that someone is playing a ghost. Dave is skeptical. Shemp stays behind to console him*

Warlock: I’ll be lucky to sleep a wink tonight.

 

*Billy slaps Shemp around*

America: Hahahha

 

*Billy “Don’t close that door or I’ll make a new one!”

Warlock: The bush was waving right there by itself.

America: As opposed to over there?

 

*Billy and Shemp tell Dave someone’s trying to scare them. Dave says better than being murdered*

Wallstreet: Another swell place for a moider.

 

*Shemp and Billy see someone and Billy holds the door shut on him. Its Maxie. He says there’s a gorilla outside. Ralph yells that the 3 of them are disturbing people. Billy says they’re being disturbed. Maxie wants Shemp and Billy to buzz off or they’ll be sorry. Billy scoffs at him*

Warlock: Get the door and turn out the lights.

Wallstreet: SWING IT!

 

*Billy “Why’d you open the door?” Shemp “There’s more light out here”

America: Hahahhaa

 

*Ralph runs by Maxie like he wasn’t even there*

Warlock: Did he really just run by him disguised as a telephone?

America: Yes.

 

*Maxie tails Ralph into Shemp and Billy’s room. A brawl develops. The lights go on and Grogan says he’s a private detective. The electrician sinks out. Grogan orders everyone to bed. Everyone leaves but Maxie, Billy and Shemp corner him. They interrorgate Grogan in a funny manner*

Warlock: Now there’s 3 of them.

 

*Maxie blows smoke. Shemp “I can’t see” Billy “Why?” Shemp “I got my eyes closed*

Wallstreet: Classic.

 

*In Gardner’s room, he says Ralph and Benson are behind it. Dave believes him. Billy has an idea. He wants Shemp to get in the gorilla outfit. Billy slaps him and makes him do it*

Wallstreet: He’s gonna make a monkey out of him.

America: Ughhh.

 

*Barney the gorilla pounds around downstairs as Shemp gets changed into the costume*

Warlock: Didn’t they do the same shit with the Stooges?

America: Similar, yes.

 

*Barney walks up to Billy and Billy says he’s putting blanks in his gun. Shemp walks in with his costume as Billy turns around and sees Barney. Billy slowly freaks out*

Warlock: NYahhahahahayyaaahaha

 

*Billy and Shemp run downstairs and Billy freaks out.They run and hide behind a chair as Maxie walks upstairs. The gorilla scares Maxie “You don’t live here.”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Dave and Joan walk downstairs and find Maxie who has fainted*

Warlock: Some boxer.

 

*Maxie explains he saw a prehistoric monster. He spots Shemp in the costume and runs away. Shemp unmasks and Billy says he’s not the gorilla. Billy and Shemp run outside to find Maxie as the lights go off inside. A ghost captures Joan as Mrs Benson is grilled by Dave, Shemp and Billy. Williams is nowhere to be found. Shemp finds Maxie who says he’s okay. They find Williams who’s dead. Dave says that eliminates him as a suspect. Meanwhile Mrs Benson runs around*

Warlock: So if he’s not the killer, who is?

 

*Shemp, Billy and Maxie scream and run out*

Warlock: So they couldn’t pay Larry and Moe so they put Billy Gilbert and Maxie Rosenbloom in those roles?

America: Pretty much.

 

*Maxie, Billy and Shemp search the basement. Billy “What are we whispering for?” Maxie and Shemp “I dunno.”

Warlock: So Billy is Moe, Maxie is Larry and Shemp is….Shemp.

 

*Shemp jumps in Maxie’s arms and screams*

Warlock: Hahahahha

 

*The graveyard leads to a secret passage underneath the mansion. The trio grabs candles as Maxie says he needs some boxing gloves as Joan screams*

Warlock: Maxie would knock the ghost out.

 

*Billy makes Maxie and Shemp split up. A ghost asks directions to the graveyard. Shemp nonchalantly says where it is, the ghost thanks him. Once the ghost leaves Shemp freaks. Billy has his candle lit by the ghost and he freaks himself. Dave finds Grogan and shows the way to the underground tunnel. Grogan and Dave hide as the Ghost taunts the trio who run Grogan and Dave. Billy gives him shit as Joan continues to scream*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Shemp gets a bird cage stuck on his head as Dave punches out the Electrician. The ghost appears and is knocked flat by Mrs Benson. Its old man Gardner himself. Gardner wanted Joan’s money but Williams found out and Gardner had the Electrican and Bald guy scare people away. Grogan and Benson solve the mystery as Billy, Maxie and Shemp run away . End credits*

Warlock: Kind of anticlamatic.

 

Mr. America’s Assesment:  I’ll give it a 5

Mr. Wallstreet’s Assessment: I give it a 6

The Warlock’s Assessment: I’ll give it a 6. It was short and sweet even if it dragged a little at the end. It was more or less an hour long Stooges episode with Billy Gilbert in the Moe role and Maxie Rosenbloom in the Larry role. Can’t judge a movie made 70 years ago by modern standards but we had a few laughs. Definitely worth watching.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was a trip down memory lane. Seeing Shemp Howard playing in a stooge without the stooges was more or less showing he could still play the role, ironic since Curly would get sick and retire 2 years later. Billy Gilbert had been in some Stooges shorts so he had ties to them as well. Interesting to see the ex-boxer Maxie play the stooge because he could probably knock out everyone in the movie. Thanks for the entertainment Mr. Wallstreet.

Wallstreet: Glad you enjoyed it….well, got to go.

*Wallstreet gets to his feet and heads for the door*

America: Wait, what? You’re not staying?

Wallstreet: Oh no, I got a business deal in Florida I have to make. One of the reasons why I kept the movie short.

America: So you literally flew here from Florida to stay for an hour then fly back?

Wallstreet: Helps to have a private jet.

Warlock: Well thanks for dropping by, see you next time.

*Warlock shakes his hand and opens the door*

America: Wait a minute.

*America gets up and Wallstreet puts his hand out. America then belts Wallstreet with a right hook that sends him out of the lair into the grass outside. America shuts the door and locks it*

Warlock: Now is the part where you explain to me just what the hell that was about.

America: Sand Serpents…Roadkill…Sea Beast….need I say more?

Warlock: Oh ok.

*Warlock walks away shaking his head*

America: Have a pleasant evening.

 

183. Roadkill (2011)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. He’s holding a World War 2 canteen of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: No, don’t adjust your TV set. Its me The Warlock…I’ll explain everything. Enter my lair…if you dare.

*Warlock walks inside*

Warlock: The 6 Pack Horror Collection that Mr. Wallstreet sent us has been a complete bust so far with just one movie to go. I figured switching outfits may be the answer to the bad karma we’ve gotten with all these stinkeroos.

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades*

America: I look completely ridiculous.

Warlock: You don’t think I don’t? At least I got style.

America: Yeah, for 60 years ago. The bright side is this torture is almost over. What do we have left?

Warlock: The sixth and final movie in this pack is Roadkill.

America: Roadkill?

Warlock: Yeah, the 2011 Sci-Fi special.

America; This stupid outfit switch idea better work because that name is very uninspiring.

Warlock: At this point I don’t give a damn, we got one movie left and we may as well end with a bang.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get started with Roadkill.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Six friends on a roadtrip to Ireland run afoul of gypsies who curse them for running over an old woman. The curse takes the form of a terrifying flying beast that tries killing them all.”

America: So I Know What You Did Last Summer has gone avian?

Warlock: So they’re basically combining Hostel, Thinner and the fucking gargoyle movie we saw earlier.

*Syfy presents*

America: Oh wonderful.

Warlock: All 6 are from Syfy, this is the first one that flat out says it.

 

*Opening graphic Roadkill*

America: We start with foliage and heavy breathing.

 

*Scared shitless dude is on the run from something*

America: I assume he’s trying to hide from something.

Warlock: I say he’s in trouble.

America: SO WHY…THE HELL…ARE YOU WEARING A BRIGHT YELLOW VEST THAT SCREAMS “over here, over here, over here!”

 

*Dude is picked up through the roof and carried away. Next we get a graphic of Dublin, Ireland*

Warlock: On the rocky road to Dublin one two three four five.

 

*2 girls contemplate moving to Ireland. One girl says she can still twirl a baton*

America: I hope this doesn’t turn into one of those cliche things where her baton twirling will save the day in the end.

Warlock: Can she twirl the baton and just hit me in the head instead?

 

*Girl says she and Ryan (Oliver James) broke up already. Anita (Roisin Murphy) says girl’s brother is hot*

Warlock: Her name is Roisin? Did someone forget how to spell Raisin?

America: She doesn’t look pruney enough to be a raisin.

 

*Bus drives by*

Warlock: Hope the bus blows up.

 

*Tommy (Kobna Holdbrook-Smith) is skeptical. Chuck (Diarmuid Noyes) and Brian drive the bus. Tommy is skeptical about the whole trip between Brian and the girl, now known as Kate (Kacey Clarke). Chuck says he’s gonna tap Kate*

Warlock: This is ridiculous.

 

*Joel (Colin Maher) is the brother of Kate. Kate and Anita introduce themselves. Suddenly Hailey (Eliza Bennett) appears and hugs Ryan. She awkwardly hugs Kate as well*

Warlock: Awkwarddddd

 

*Chuck says Hailey has nice bags*

Warlock: This dialogue makes me want to drink Drano.

 

*Ryan pulls over at a gas station*

Warlock: That wheelbarrow won best supporting actor.

America: No!

 

*Chuck grabs an exhaust pipe and says “I’m exhausted”

America: I really hope he dies first. I really do.

Warlock: Ahhhhhhh!

 

*Luca (Ned Dennehy) plays cards as Chuck insults everyone. Ryan and Kate talk outside*

Warlock: I hope he buries his face in her ass.

America: Huh?

 

*Tommy picks up a lighter*

America: Good grief.

 

*Tommy buys lighter for 10 euro’s from Luca*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*Ryan finds the garage and screams “hello”

America: This movie is dragging already.

Warlock: Drag me under a car, will you?

 

*Ryan finds a missing poster of the kid from the beginning of the movie. A dog barks at him*

Warlock: The dog won best supporting actor?

America: No.

 

*Anita buys a necklace for 100 Euro’s. Kate is bothered by a fortune teller (Stella McCusker). She tells her that Ryan is her true love. Teller has one mangled eye*

America: Woah

 

*Ryan walks up to Kate and Teller freaks out. She tells them they must go. Meanwhile back inside Anita figures out she’s been gypped when he puts a different necklace into her box. Chuck complains*

Warlock: This is going to end well….not.

 

*Luca tells Chuck to piss off. Chuck runs up and steals the real necklace. He runs into the winnebago and floors it…running over the Teller*

America: Uh…I’d say you hit someone.

Warlock: Nice going asshole.

America: Good job.

 

*Teller wakes up and curses everyone. Luca runs out and Ryan floors it, escaping the station*

Warlock:I assume this is where the shit hits the fan.

America: I’d say so.

 

*Joel says the cursed bird called the Roc is just a legend. It supposedly will come after them one by one*

America: I love how you say there’s no such thing as curses as a big fog shows up.

 

*The group freaks out but Ryan keeps driving*

America: Yeah, you’re gonna drive into a tree or something.

 

*Chuck says he can see a flying bird for real. Kate blames Hailey but a cross-eyed boy in the middle of the street gives the slit throat sign*

Warlock: What the hell is he doing here?

 

*The boy runs off as Anita walks outside. The Roc picks her up and flies away, dropping her outside*

America: You’re all fucked.

 

*Half of Anita’s face is ripped off as The Roc picks her up and flies away*

Warlock: Got call on the fucked.

 

*Everyone freaks out in the van. They want to know what it is*

America: You just said what it was 10 minutes ago.

 

*Chuck “I just saw Anita get killed by a giant bird and you want me to chill?”

Warlock: Yeah, just smoke some weed and forget it.

 

*Ryan swerves to avoid the Roc and blows a tire*

Warlock: Why didn’t they just run it over?

America: Because it wasn’t on the road! Can’t run it over if its not on the road.

 

*Ryan and Tommy play rock, paper scissors in order to find out who has to go out and change the tire*

Warlock: This is ridiculous….and we still got one hour to go.

 

*Ryan gives Tommy a walkie talkie and says keep in touch*

America: KEEP IN TOUCH?? You’re literally outside the window. You can get two tin cans and a string and still be within distance.

 

*Tommy goes to change the tire. Chuck hits on Hailey*

America: Oh god.

 

*The Roc sneaks up on Tommy and tweets. Tommy reaches for the flare and ignites it. Ryan walks up and Tommy’s face is half gone. They retreat to the van as the Roc carries Tommy away*

Warlock: Bye bye Tommy.

 

*Chuck and Ryan fight and Ryan freaks out. Kate says to stop freaking out. Ryan flicks the lighter and the Roc returns. Chuck can’t get the van started*

Warlock: Why won’t it start?

America: Oh wait, they started it.

 

*Van drives off with Roc close behind. Kate spots a house and they drive toward it. The Roc flies away as the 5 remaining kids walk toward the house. Ryan says “Hello”

Warlock: Cowbell logic?

America: Yup.

 

*Drina (Eve Macklin) is there with her family. She allows everyone in. Ryan asks if they can use the phone. Its an old rotary phone*

Warlock: That phone is older than I am.

 

*Luca barges in and blames everyone for the Teller’s death. Hailey says they’ve been cursed. Drina says only the Teller can lift it. Since she’s dead, they’re bird feed*

Warlock: Good point.

 

*Luca says he’s taking her to the woods. Kate says she knows where his medallion is. Its in a safe in the RV. Luca pulls a gun on Ryan as Drina escorts Kate to the van. Luca leads them to an area with several dead bodies strapped to wooden X’s*

America: OHHHH what?

 

*At the RV, Drina asks Kate where the mediallion is. Ryan, Chuck, Hailey and Joel are tied up and left for dead by Luca. Back at the RV, Kate kill Luca’s second in command and wrestles with Drina as the Roc arrives to the feeding grounds*

America: The bird is just wasting damn time.

 

*Kate runs up and unties everyone*

America: They’re tied up! Just go down and take them out!

 

*The Roc swoops in but stops when it sees the medallion and flies away*

Warlock: You notice that?

America: Yeah.

 

*Luca shoots and kills Hailey out of nowhere as he, another random gypsy and Drina chases the four remaining kids into the woods. Luca taunts them*

Warlock: Can it just kill him now?

 

*Ryan and Chuck makes a run for the RV as Joel and Kate keep running into the forrest. They spot hanging rabbits*

Warlock: That rabbit won best supporting actor.

America: THE RABBIT IS DEAD!

 

*Chuck notices Ryan’s been shot. He says to patch it up or it’ll be like leaving a trail of breadcrumbs for the gypsies. Luca and partner continue to bumble around*

Warlock: Who’s that?

America: That’s an extra.

 

*Kate tackles Chuck before they run off*

Warlock: Sacked at the five yard line.

 

*Chuck, Ryan and Joel make it to the RV but Drina drops Kate. The Roc makes its return and Drina begs for the medallion. Kate kicks Drina in the head and Ryan steals her gun. Drina begs for it as Kate figures out the medallion is protection from the Roc. Right on cue, Roc attacks Drina*

America: So you have the RV for cover and you run into an open field with no cover? What the hell were you thinking?

 

*Joel tries to patch up Ryan. They all take swigs of Guinness*

Warlock: I need a swig

 

*Kate says the medallion has protective powers. Chuck says no wonder they wanted it back. Joel says the Roc can’t be killed. Kate and Ryan make up*

Warlock: Awww, isn’t that sweet.

 

*Ryan says he’ll run outside and go for help as Kate kisses him much to Chuck’s dismay. The Roc appears as the RV drives off leaving Ryan behind to run through the woods.The Roc chases the RV. Ryan makes it to a phone but the police station gives them the runaround. The Roc knocks around the RV. A finch lands on the mirror and scares Chuck*

Warlock: Tweet tweet.

 

*Roc busts through the window as Kate makes a flamethrower with a lighter and  Roc flies away. Joel remembers fire can harm it. They run to the phone and find it covered in blood. Ryan is nowhere to be found. Joel, Chuck and Kate hide in the crapper*

Warlock: That toilet stall won best supporting actor.

America: Yeah, you know how much shit that thing has seen.

Warlock: Glad we finally agreed.

 

*Kate and Joel mourn the loss of Ryan as Kate admits she cheated on him. Joel admits he cheated to get into school. Chuck says his cousin touched him*

Warlock: Good grief its too late for character development.

 

*Joel “Was it a guy or a girl?” Chuck “Dude, you think I’d have a problem if it were a girl?”

Warlock: Grossss.

 

*Seamus (Stephen Rea) shows up and pulls a gun on the trio. He takes the medallion and leaves them for the Roc. Seamus says he’s cursed too. He made a deal with Luca that if he gives the kids to the Roc, his curse will be lifted. Suddenly Kate goes to down with a twirl attack*

Warlock: There ya go?

America: Uhhhhhhhhh

 

*The trio overpowers Seamus and knock him out. Kate gets in the patrol car and the Roc chills behind the car*

America: Doesn’t she have the medallion?

Warlock: Ripping off Jurassic Park here.

 

*The radio cracks which alerts the Roc to the patrol car*

Warlock: 18 minutes of torture left.

 

*Joel rescues Kate from the car but he drops the medallion. He picks it up and tosses it to Kate as the Roc grabs Joel and carries him away. Kate freaks completely out as Chuck drags her away. They get in the RV and Chuck floors it, running over and killing Seamus*

Warlock: Serves him right…although they cheated the Roc out of a kill.

 

*Chuck and Kate share bonding moments*

Warlock: Its a bit late for this. By the way, why is he still alive? The boyfriend is gone, the brother is gone…he had no ties to Kate. Talk about shitty writing.

 

*Chuck says he’d like to be a father some day but also would like a three way. All of a sudden Kate gets a phone call, its Ryan. The line is cut so Kate runs out of the RV looking for a signal. Chuck and Kate run into the forest where they find Luca with Ryan’s phone. Luca leads Kate to the Roc’s nest. Everyone’s dead including Ryan and Joel. Kate pukes. Chuck points the shotgun at Luca’s head. He tells Luca to beat it*

Warlock: Why didn’t he just shoot him?

 

*Chuck tells Kate they have to go. He opens his hand out and she grabs the shotgun, pointing it at him. She cocks it and tells him to go. The Roc approaches and Chuck runs for it*

America: Who has the medallion?

 

*Chuck wanders back to the RV as Kate stays in the nest with Ryan. She smears her face with Ryan’s blood*

Warlock: She’s lost it folks.

 

*Chuck makes it to the RV as Kate goes berserk with the shotgun until the Roc wipes her out. Chuck puts on his hat and drives off*

Warlock: Guess he had the medallion.

 

*Now the only one left, Chuck pounds the dashboard and says it was a friggen accident. He then calls his father and says he can’t explain but he loves mom and Johnny is a butt-head. He continues to rant and hangs up after saying Corey touched me in 5th grade*

Warlock: Where was this an hour ago? I’m falling asleep here.

 

*Chuck makes it to the gas station where the trouble all started*

America: Right back where we started.

 

*Luca walks out as Chuck fills the gas tank. Luca pulls a gun on him and asks for the medallion. Chuck leaves the gas running on the ground as he tosses the medallion in font of Luca. The Roc approaches and Luca says its Chuck’s turn to feed the bird. Chuck runs inside, grabs the lighter as the Roc crashes through the windshield. He makes it outside and throws the lighter into the gas, blowing up the station, RV and Luca*

Warlock: Shitty CGI right there.

 

*Chuck is knocked down and rolls over. The Roc approaches. Chuck “Oh crap”  End credits*

Warlock: We’ve hope you’ve enjoyed no moral theater.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 2. Its just terrible

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 3. Pretty damn crappy but not the worst I’ve ever seen. They attempted character development but the CGI and the plot were abysmal.

Final Grade: 2.5 out of 10 – Abysmal.

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Oh my good god, its over….not just this movie, but the 6 Pack. Its over….thank fucking god its over. The next time Mr. Wallstreet sends us one of these things, Im gonna ship it back with a bomb attached to it.

America: I say we go down to Florida and just beat the crap out of him.

Warlock: I like that idea better. Let’s go!

*Warlock and America leave the lair….15 seconds later they walk back in*

Warlock: Shit, we forgot to change clothes.

America: Yeah really.

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

182. Sand Serpents (2009)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a white t-shirt, leather jacket, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce glass of Pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock lowers his heads and dims the lights before walking inside*

Warlock: Mr. America and I need to make Mr. Wallstreet step outside for sending us the abomination known as the 6 Pack Horror Collection. We’ve gone through four movies and only one of them has been any good.

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: Any good? I’d settle for just plain bad…these are HORRIBLE.

Warlock: Well I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.

America: Ok, Barrett, what is it?

Warlock: Our movie tonight, and fifth in the pack, is Sand Serpents.

America: Sand…serpents.

Warlock: That’s what it says.

America: Did I divebomb the wrong town in a previous life to have to suffer through all this?

Warlock: Oh hold out some hope, maybe this will be good.

America: The Cleveland Browns have a better chance of winning a game this season.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get this over with, Sand Serpents.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A small band of US soldiers are stranded in the Afghanistan Desert, but it ain’t the Taliban worrying them, its the refugees from Tremors.”

America: Wait, so this is a knockoff of Tremors?

Warlock: Sounds like it.

America: Really?? Refugees from Tremors?

Warlock: Yeah.

America: Um, there’s a law known as COPYRIGHT! How the hell did they make the graboids somehow surface in Afghanistan. They hardly look like graboids. They look more like the sandworm from Beetlejuice.

Warlock: Movie hasn’t even started and we’re off on the wrong foot.

 

*Movie opens with opening credits and stock footage of soldiers in Afghanistan*

Warlock: Fastest opening credits ever.

America: Yes.

 

*7 soldiers take position by an oil drilling facility. Blonde girl says it looks deserted. Bates (Duma Iulian) has point*

America: Its the opening of the movie, not going to be a ghost town much longer. Otherwise it would be a horrible set up.

 

*Kaminsky (Sebastian Knapp) says he has a bad feeling about this. Sgt Wilson (Chris Jarman) scoffs. Team moves out, blonde girl is Jan Henle (Tamara Hope). Private Andrews (Elias Toufexis) moves out*

America: Oh wait, we forgot some credits.

Warlock: That are on the screen for exactly one second.

 

*Kaminsky banters with Andrews who won’t shut up*

America: Can the Serpents kill these guys already.

 

*Andrews continues to complain. He calls the driller a waste of space*

Warlock: He looks like an overweight Elijah Wood.

 

*Eno (Michelle Asante) tells Andrews to shut up. Wilson tells them to cut the chatter and spread out*

Warlock: Are they supposed to spread out like that. They kinda look like sitting ducks.

America: I don’t know but you know I hate splitting up.

 

*Lt Stanley (Jason Gedrick) walks by a Taliban hideout. They open fire. Morales (Viscreanu Constantin) is hit in the leg. A host of Taliban run out and start shooting*

Warlock: Did they magically spawn like out of a Borderlands game?

 

*Bates is killed by a grenade. The soldiers are pinned down where nobody hits nobody. A grenade blows and it wakes up the sand serpents*

Warlock: CGI serpents.

 

*A grenade goes off and people are taken hostage*

Warlock: So if his team is dead, why are we supposed to care when the sand serpents attack?

America: They’re not all dead.

 

*Stanley, Andrews, Kaminsky, Wilson, Henle and Eno are still alive*

Warlock: So only Morales and Bates are dead?

 

*A tremor rocks the hideout, Henle says its an Earthquake*

America: That’s no earthquake.

 

*Taliban opens fire as a loud growl occurs. Andrews says earthquakes don’t growl like that. The firing stops*

Warlock: Well that was easy.

 

*An ant crawls across the camcorder*

Warlock: That ant won best supporting actor.

America: An ant? I disagree.

 

*Team cuts themselves loose and removes the blindfolds*

America: How did they get themselves free so easy?

Warlock: Horrible hostage taking.

 

*Stanley grabs an axe*

Warlock: What about the axe? Is that the best supporting actor?

America: No!

 

*Stanley finds nothing outside*

Warlock: No blood, no guns, no bodies.

 

*The 6 soldiers walk outside*

America: They’re investigating.

 

*Andrews notices Morales and Bates’ bodies are gone. Andrews “There’s something out here. I heard it.”

Warlock: Maybe the camcorder is the best supporting actor.

America: No.

 

*Wilson watches the camcorder footage of the serpents attacking*

Warlock: This is right out of Rise of the Gargoyles.

 

*Stanley says to pick up supplies if its there. Andrews protests but Wilson shuts him up. Eno says there’s a truck nearby but Stanley says there’s a bullseye on it*

Warlock: The truck?:

America: NO! Shut up already.

 

*Henle says Stanley’s history of running away is showing. Stanley says is its strategic retreat*

America: Oh boy, character development.

 

*Eno finds an AK-47 with blood on it*

America: Yes its blood.

 

*Henle finds two grenades*

America: Probably gonna need more than that to take on the sand serpents.

Warlock: You know this reminds me of a video game where when you first start out and have to find a basic weapon to fight your way out of whatever pickle you’re in?

 

*Andrews finds another AK and cocks it as a serpent looks nearby. He sees it but nobody else notices it. He’s skeptical. They still move out*

Warlock: Can they pilfer faster?

 

*Wilson finds a pistol as Kaminsky is sad they took his wallet with the kids’ pictures in it. Wilson gives him a pep talk to get up and fight so he can get home to his kids*

Warlock: Wow, development. I’m stunned.

 

*Wilson tells Kaminsky to keep his kids faces in his brain, if he gets captured, they can’t take that away from him*

Warlock: An astonishing good line.

*Henle says the radio isn’t working. All they have are two grenades, two grenades and a pistol. Stanley pulls out a map and say they’re gonna go to the extract point. Kaminsky and Stanley have the grenades, Henle has the pistol, Eno, Wilson and Andrews have the AK’s. They move out*

Warlock: At least they’re going for realism.

 

*Wilson asks Stanley how they are going to report this. Right on cue a chopper approaches as an earthquake rumbles*

America: Looks like a black hawk.

 

*A giant sand serpent comes out of the ground and grabs the chopper, destroying it. Wilson “Whatever that was it just smoked a black hawk right out of the sky”

America: That wasn’t a black hawk! Oh ho ho you douchebag that was NOT a Black Hawk.

Warlock: Yes it was.

America: No it isn’t….at all. That’s an EH-101

Warlock: Don’t mean an ED-209?

America: I’m gonna kill you and feed you to these sand serpents.

 

*Team runs for it as the serpents approach*

Warlock: Oh boy, a chase scene.

America: I’m not impressed.

 

*Wilson draws the serpent away and tells everyone else to get inside the hideout. Team shoots randomly with nothing appearing to be inside. Serpent eats and kills Wilson. Andrews says they should have listened to him. Stanley says to shut up because its attracted to sound*

Warlock: Ok, so just tiptoe your way home, you’ll make it.

 

*Henle says the drills woke up an ancient species. Andrews “We just opened up a giant can of worms”

Warlock: This dialogue sucks.

 

*Stanley says to hightail it to the refugee camp. Andrews doesn’t want to walk. Stanley says to go for the truck. Andrews says it grabbed a chopper out of the sky, there’s no way a truck can outrun it. Eno says she can hotwire it. Andrews is impressed. She needs a minute to wire it. Stanley says he pulls her in two minutes*

Warlock: Will you stop?

America: I’m not hitting anything.

Warlock: I’ll have you taken out of here.

 

*Eno and Stanley tiptoe outside*

Warlock: Please tell me we’re at least 20 minutes into it.

America: 28, you’re aggravated already?

Warlock: Great, one hour left to suffer through.

 

*Eno goes to hotwire it but the tremors begin*

Warlock: They didn’t even make any noise.

 

*Kaminsky, Henle and Andrews run out. Everybody piles in the car as Andrews throws some racist insults at her. Eno gets it started and tells Andrews to kiss her ass. The serpent rises out of the ground*

Warlock: Wonderful….what do you think?

America:Meh.

 

*Andrews apologizes for being out of line*

Warlock: I need to find the writers of this movie and kick them in the shin.

 

*Some kid runs into the middle of the road and Eno flips the truck*

America: Nice job.

 

*Amal (Jonas Khan) says the girl saved their lives as the road is mined up ahead. Meanwhile Eno is trapped underneath the truck. Stanley tries to dig her out as the tremors begin. Stanley “Why can’t it leave us alone?”

America: What kind of movie would that be?

Warlock: Yeah, it just goes away, movie’s over a half hour into it.

America: Thing wakes up “Eh, I’m still full from the last person I ate. I’m going back to sleep” The End. What kind of movie would that be?

 

*Amal asks what is it as Andrews says you have to see it to believe it. Eno tells them to go on without her. Andrews pulls Kaminsky away and Eno tells Stanley to get out of there. They run for it as Eno is eaten*

Warlock: Could have at least shot the gas tank or something.

 

*Amal leads Stanley, Kaminsky, Andrews and Henle into the refugee camp*

America: Isn’t friendly??? That’s an understatement.

*Asala (Andreea Paduraru) says the Taliban will be back soon. Amal says they are not safe there. They have an old radio but it doesn’t work.

Warlock: Nothing ever works.

 

*Amal leads them to the armory. Kaminsky sees Isla (Patricia Lavina Coscai) and plays the father figure*

Warlock: Nice development.

 

*Everyone gets packed as Amal leads them to an old truck*

Warlock: Is that truck best supporting actor?

America: No!

Warlock: What about the tires on the truck?

America: NOOO!

 

*Henle says they can’t fix the truck but she can use the parts to fix the radio at the mining camp. Amal and Isla want to come too. Amal says the others will not come with them until their sons return. Asala refuses. Stanley says Amal and Isla are coming with them. Andrews complains and Stanley calls him a pain in the ass*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Kaminsky asks if they can’t fix the radio, then what? Stanley says go down fighting*

Warlock: I hope so.

 

*Henle gets the truck working long enough so they can go back to the mining camp. On their way back, they spot the serpents approaching. There’s at least 3 of them. They start heaving grenades and shooting randomly*

Warlock: Maybe the steering wheel is the best supporting actor?

America: What??? No!

 

*Andrews tosses an IED bomb and the serpents stop following*

Warlock: So an IED can stop it?

 

*The truck runs out of gas 100 yards from the camp, They grab supplies and run for it*

Warlock: That crate on the ground, is that best supporting actor?

America: No!

 

*The serpent pops up over the hideout. Stanley tosses an IED and blows it up*

Warlock: One down, two to go.

America: I’d say the building they’ve been hiding in half the movie won best supporting actor.

Warlock: Hmmm, you could be right.

 

*Andrews continues to complain*

America: Just slap him already.

 

*Stanley says they’re gonna hunker down there. Amal “Never in my life have I seen such a beast.”

Warlock: Ha!

 

*Stanley asks Amal’s help navigating the map. Meanwhile Andrews says to Kaminsky he doesn’t trust Amal. Kaminsky says he doesn’t trust Andrews either. Andrews says he’d never shoot him in the back, Kaminsky says he knows because Andrews is a lousy shot*

Warlock and America: Heh!

 

*Kaminsky and Amal share bonding moments*

Warlock: I admire the movie at least trying to get us to care about these characters.

 

*Kaminsky tells Amal to keep his son’s face in his head so he remembers it no matter what*

America: You’re right there, definitely trying to make us care about these people.

 

*Henle and Stanley banter back and forth about how she outranks him*

Warlock: Alright, can we progress the story now?

 

*Henle gets the radio working but there’s too much interference. They need a better antennae*

Warlock: I may have to say the chain won best supporting actor.

America: What?

Warlock: No the radio won.

America: How?

Warlock: It’ll save their lives.

 

*Colonel Jones (Bryan Jardine) says there will be no evac due to heavy fighting. Henle says they need immediate evac and Jones refuses. Stanley says they’re under attack from Taliban and 100 foot long worm creatures*

Warlock: Not gonna end well.

 

*Jones refuses to send evac. Henle then says they got diamonds here. Jones pauses and says evac is on its way*

Warlock: Good old American way…bribe someone.

 

*A grenade blows randomly and drops Kaminsky with shrapnel. The Taliban are here*

Warlock: As if they needed more bullshit.

 

*Andrews blames Amal for leading them here. Andrews is insistent Amal led them here. Stanley says this is their cavalry. Soldiers shoot back but are outnumbered. Kaminsky won’t stop screaming*

Warlock: Shut him up.

 

*Stanley catches a grenade in mid air and throws it back at them. It blows and takes out the RPG guy*

America: Right……

 

*Andrews is tagged as the tremors begin*

America: What took the thing so long?

 

*The serpents wipe out the Taliban. Andrews “Holy crap they’re kicking their asses out there” Meanwhile Kaminsky is dying*

America: First time for everything.

 

*Amal says to make a break for the mine. Amal and Stanley pull Kaminsky up. Isla, Henle, Kaminsky, Amal, Stanley and Andrews make a run for it. The serpents are on their way*

Warlock: They don’t make it, movies over.

America: We’ve already been over this.

 

*Serpent busts out of ground, they drop Kaminsky. They find a cave to hide in as Kaminsky is eaten*

Warlock: Great, the good guy dies and the antagonist lives.

 

*Andrews is mad Amal is leading them underground. Henle and Stanley yell at him. Amal “You know we’re not all terrorists” Henle tells Amal to lead on*

Warlock: You know if he DOES turn heel, this would be so cliche.

America: Yup.

 

*Stanley finds an armory. They re-pack themselves. Henle “This is the reason the war won’t end*

Warlock: Sad but true.

 

*Amal finds a c4 strap. Andrews says he can teach them how to use it*

Warlock: WOWWWWWW.

 

*Amal says to go right, Stanley spots an exit. Amal says not to go that way. Isla and Amal argue over which way to get to the quarry. Even Stanley starts to get suspicious*

Warlock: Yeah, they’re really setting something up.

 

*Stanley pulls Amal aside and asks if this is really the way out. Amal opens the door and leads everyone through. The door closes behind them. Amal then steps on a landmine but it doesn’t blow. Stanley says they’ll try to diffuse it but Amal says to take care of Isla and blows himself up*

Warlock: Wow, that was even worse.

 

*The crew is trapped until Stanley spots an air vent. Only Isla can fit through*

Warlock: This movie has the magical ability of slowing down time.

America: You REALLY want this one to end huh? This is setting a record of your level of anticipation for it to end. Usually its me who complains, this is a new level for you.

 

*Isla goes into the vent as Andrews. Stanley and Henle remain behind. The tremors start as Andrews asks what they did to deserve this. Isla makes it to the surface*

Warlock: How are they going to end this?

 

*Isla spots the Taliban nearby*

Warlock: Oh Jesus Christ.

 

*Isla sneaks up on Taliban and is taken hostage. Meanwhile Andrews says he doesn’t want to die like this. The serpents attack the Taliban*

Warlock: So this is how the war ended? All the Taliban were eaten by graboids?

America: Huh? I’m gonna say an emphatic NO!

 

*Isla runs back and opens the door just as a serpent eats Andrews*

Warlock: And there goes this movie’s Hudson.

 

*Isla, Stanley and Henle run out as the Taliban continue to shoot at the two worm outside. The worms finish off the Taliban*

Warlock: You sure? They just took care of the Taliban.

America: Are you SERIOUSLY asking if the worms ended the war in real life?

Warlock: Yes I am.

America: Oh my god….NO!

 

*Henle says they can grenade the worms to death*

America: I need to find something to beat some sense into you.

 

*Stanley straps himself with c4. Henle says not to do that. Stanley says if he’s going down, he’s not gonna end up eaten by a maggot*

Warlock: So you know that will be the ending.

 

*Stanley throws a grenade and the two worms follow them*

Warlock: All the world is a stooge!

America: You’ve really lost it.

 

*Isla, Stanley and Henle are cut off by a serpent. They shoot at it*

America: Are you trying to get killed? Just stop moving.

 

*Stanley pulls Isla and Henle close, about to detonate the c4 when a chopper shoots a serpent with a missile. They touch down and pick up the trio. A serpent goes to attack and Stanley dives out the chopper, pulling the c4 chord and blows himself up along with the worm*

Warlock: Did he seriously just do that?

America: Yeah, and there’s still one worm left to terrorize the world.

 

*End credits*

Warlock: That’s it????

America: That’s an unforgivable ending.

Warlock: The only character left we should care about blows himself up and still leaves one worm.

America: You have the two worms exposed and they only shoot one measly rocket just to piss it off. It scared it away for a few seconds. That pisses me off. That’s like looking at a dam with 10 holes in it, plugging one and saying you’re good. NO, THAT’S NOT GOOD! The problem still persists. AND WE STILL HAVE ONE WORM LEFT. I hate this movie.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 2 out of 10. I hate this movie. It sucks

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 1.5. This was absolute crap. The character development was completely wasted when the deaths meant nothing most of the time. The only ones you care about die for nothing AND WE STILL GOT ONE DAMN WORM LEFT. The writer of this movie needs to be beaten senseless.

Final Grade: 1.5 out of 10 – Almost the worst of all time.

 

America: Hopefully the one worm that got away ate the writer so we never have to see another piece of garbage he wrote.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch and chucks a drink coaster at the tv&

Warlock: Of all the worthless hunks of junk we’ve seen, I’ve never been more pissed off. You had great character development ruined on a shitty plot, shittier ending and absolutely mind boggling writing. ….and we’ve got an even bigger problem.

America: What’s that?

Warlock: *Holds up the final DVD* We still have one to go.

*America sprawls and sinks lower in the recliner*

America: Ohhhhhh, good god.

Warlock: I need to take a sledgehammer to Wallstreet’s head as soon as the last movie is over. This one was inexcusable. Have a god damned shitty evening.

181. Tucker & Dale vs Evil (2010)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a blacl leather jacket, Brick Bardo t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a sacred chalice of Dr Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock lowers his head and the ground runbles before walking inside*

Warlock: Tonight we take a look at a movie I have never seen. Thug D has graciously provided one of the most requested movies to watch here at the Realm.

*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with band patches on it, a Vader t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*

D: Yeah, and its going to be good.

Warlock: That’s what I intend to find out. Tonight’s movie is Tucker and Dale vs Evil. The story of two misunderstood rednecks that are attacked by college kids.

D: Thats pretty much it.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So lets get started with Tucker and Dale vs Evil.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Tucker and Dale are on vacation at their dilapidated mountain cabin when they are attacked by a group of preppy college kids.”

D: Pfft, yup….

*Billy (Eli Craig) films as News Reporter (Sasha Craig) is killed before he is too*

Warlock: Heh, the Craig family wiped out in 5 seconds.

*Chad (Jesse Moss), Allison (Katrina Bowden), Chuck (Travis Nelson), Chloe (Chelan Simmons) and Jason (Brandon Jay McLaren) establish themselves as preppy college douchebags. Tucker (Alan Tudyk) and Dale (Tyler Labine) drive by and they stare at each other*

Warlock: Getting the cast list out early.

*Dale has a crush on Allison but is too shy to talk to her. Tucker says to have faith in himself. Dale “I fix their toilets”

Warlock and D: Hahahaha

*Dale walks over to the college kids holding a scythe and laughs nervously at himself. Chad springs to action and the kids run for their cars and speed off*

Warlock: Hahaha poor Dale.

*Dale tells Tucker he’s a zero with the ladies. In the truck, Dale and Tucker banter back and forth with Jangers The Dog in the back-seat*

Warlock: Neyz would love the dog.

*Sheriff (Phillip Granger) pulls them over. He asks where they’re going, Tucker says their vacation home they need to fix up. Dale is having trouble with the ladies and Tucker needs to help him with man time. Sheriff says there’s nothing up there but pain and suffering. After he leaves, they drink Miller together*

Warlock: ITS MILLER TIME!

*Dale says the dilapidated cabin is a fixer upper and the greatest thing he ever seen*

D: It looks like the cabin from Evil Dead.

Warlock: It probably IS the cabin from Evil Dead.

*Dale and Tucker looks at the wall with newspaper clippings of attacks and mass murders. They ignore that and see a buy one, get one free coupon on one of the clippings with no expiration date*

Warlock: Hahahahaha they notice THAT?

*Chad tells a campfire story of 20 years earlier where kids are listening to Pump Up The Jams when some killer hillbillies (Mark W Strong, Shaun Tisdale) wipe out some college kids. Chad says the bodies are buried underneath them. They all go skinny dipping*

Warlock: What is that about?

D: The real killers.

*Tucker and Dale go fishing and they argue over who gets the last beer*

Warlock: You’re not getting my Bud Light, Johnny.

*Chad scares Alison and he says they’re better than everyone else*

Warlock: Can we kill these people now?

*Alison doesn’t want sex right now, they go skinny dipping…..feet away from Tucker and Dale*

Warlock: Hahaha

*Alison strips as Tucker and Dale watches. Dale shouts and she falls into the water. She doesn’t resurface. Dale dives in to save her. The rest of the college kids see them and say “They have Alison, RUNNNN!”

D: Hahaha they think they’re capturing her, not saving her.

*Next day Alison wakes up with Jangers the Dog looking at her*

Warlock: The dog won best supporting actor.

*Dale walks in and offers pancakes but she freaks. The rest of the college kids make plans to attack the rednecks. One goes to run for help. Jason spots the cabin as Dale brings a steak dinner with flowers to Alison. Dale tries to tell her he rescued her while they fishing. She asks where her friends are, Dale says they ran away. They hope they return to get her*

Warlock: Hahaha this is hilarious.

*Dale says Jangers looks scary but is a big old marshmellow*

Warlock: Neyz would love that.

*Alison asks if there’s anything to do, he says board games*

Warlock: I call Stratego.

*Tucker spots Dale and Alison playing games and he revs up a chainsaw. Mitch (Adam Beuchesne) walks up to him. Tucker accidentally cuts through a bees nest and he starts flailing around with the chainsaw. Mitch thinks he’s being chased but Tucker is running away from the bees. Tucker runs PAST Mitch and Mitch impales himself on a tree branch*

Warlock and D: HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Warlock: He impaled himself hahaha.

*Dale and Alison share bonding moments as Tucker walks in with his face a mess due to bee stings. He pours beer on his face to cut down the swelling*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

*Dale pulls the stingers out of Tucker while he says Alison’s friend must be allergic to bees because he was running like a bat out of hell*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

*Tucker and Dale says they’ll find her friends, she just stay there. Chad and the kids find Mitch’s body and Chad goes berserk. They all hide when Tucker and Dale walk around. Tucker screams out for the kids. Dale screams out as well*

Warlock: They’re trying to help, not hurt…hahaha.

*Dale cuts a message in the woods “We got ur friend” as Tucker works the wood chipper with Dale digging. Alison walks outside and Dale is checking her out, puppy eyed*

Warlock: He’s puppy eyed.

*Dale tells her he’s digging an outhouse hole*

D: How many times do you think he’s been close to a girl. Probably never.

*Alison said she grew up on the farm where you helped out or got out*

D: Nice rule.

*Group walks up and sees Alison digging to help Dale. Jason “Sick fuck, they’re making her dig her own grave!”

D: Hahahaha

*Dale pulls Alison out of the hole. Naiomi (Christie Laing) and Chloe scamper around. Dale “Oh hey there’s your friends! HEY!” Just as Dale shouts, Todd (Alex Arsenault) runs up with a large stick in the shape of a javelin and screams. Alison pushes Dale out of the way and the shovel hits her, they both fall. Todd falls into the hole and impales himself as the javelin. He slowly falls on top of Dale who screams*

D and Warlock: Hahahahahahha

*Chuck sneaks up on Tucker with a knife and trips, falling into the wood chipper. Tucker tries to pull him out but the kids see him putting him instead. Back inside the cabin, Tucker and Dale freak out and say they’re doing a suicide pact since they’re killing themselves. Dale thinks the kids want Alison dead. Dale says go to the police. Tucker says the police will think they did it*

Warlock: He’s right.

*Tucker says they have to clean the mess up. Meanwhile Jason. Naomi, Chloe and Chad are the only ones left. Chad calls the rest of them pussies. Chad says “A few little murders”

D: Those were your friends dude.

*Chad cuts an insane promo. Jason calls him fucked up. He and the two girls run off*

Warlock: That’s hilarious.

*Chloe tells Sheriff there’s a murderer on the loose. He believes them as Tucker and Dale try to remove Chuck from the wood chipper. They pull his lower half out and Sheriff drives up. Tucker says he’ll do the talking*

Warlock and D: Hahahahahaha

*Tucker tells what really happened. Sheriff doesn’t believe him and says they must think he’s a moron. Dale says they have Alison inside and he knocked her out by accident*

D: Just shut up Dale!

*Sheriff wants to see Alison. Tucker and Dale lead him inside. He checks on Alison and he starts believing Tucker and Dale. He leans on the support beam which snaps and a makeshift nailbat impales him in the head. He falls outside with the kids in the Sheriff’s car screaming*

Warlock and D: Hahahhaahaaaa

*Sheriff gets up and gets in the car. Tucker says  “Oh good he’s gonna walk it off.”

Warlock: Yeah he’s fine.

*Sheriff drops dead on the ground. Mike (Joseph Allan Sutherland) grabs Sheriff’s gun and points it at Tucker and Dale. Dale tells him to take the safety off and while Mike takes the safety off, he shoots himself in the head*

D: What an idiot!!

*Chad grabs the gun and shoots at the duo, who run inside scared*

Warlock: Poor Dale.

*Chad unloads the whole gun as Tucker blames Dale for being a good Samaritan. Dale blames him for going fishing, he claims he doesn’t like fishing. Tucker is heartbroken*

Warlock: You just broke his heart.

*Chad continues to shoot and takes Jangers hostage*

Warlock: Oh that’s fucked up.

*Tucker plans to go out the back, Dale the front. Dale starts shooting out the window at the kids. Dale taunts them and calls them a bunch of freaks. Dale unloads about 20 nails and even Tucker is concerned. Tucker frees Jangers but Chad catches him. Tucker takes off but falls in mud. He covers himself in camoflauge as the kids run around. Chad punches out Tucker and hangs him upside down*

Warlock: Great, now what?

*Tucker wakes up and asks what the hell is wrong with them. Chad taunts him and says its payback time. Tucker says to let him go and he’ll get him some beers. Chad “This is for mike” and chops a finger off. Tucker screams*

D: Ohhhhhhhhhh wow.

*Dale checks on Alison who wakes up. He gives her a sob story. Dale says her friends forgot to take their medication. Dale says they’re trying to kill Tucker and Jangers. Dale says they’ve gone insane. Chad bangs on the door and Alison says she’ll take care of it. She walks outside and sees the Sheriff and Mike dead and a package on the ground. She walks back inside and the package is two of Tucker’s fingers. The note reads “Now we got your friend, come and get him.” Alison says this is a misunderstanding, they think he’s trying to kill her. Alison says he looked like a creep at the gas station. Dale says he doesn’t know how to talk to girls. Alison understands that now but Dale gets mad and storms out thinking she’d never go for a guy like him*

Warlock: Dale is the MVP of this movie.

*Dale runs into Mitch and calls him a stupid college kid. He then finds Tucker hanging and Tucker says its a trap*

D: ITS A TRAP!!

*Dale is nearly impaled through the nutsack but it misses him. Dale “I’m so glad I’m not hung like a bear.” Tucker “That kid has some serious issues”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Chad and Naomi enter the cabin. Alison asks why they are whispering. Alison tries to say there’s been a huge misunderstanding. Chad starts pouring gas all around. Alison tries to say Tucker and Dale are normal. Naomi says Alison has Stockholme Syndrome.

D: These kids are Looney Tunes.

*Chad goes to attack Alison as Tucker and Dale barge in to save Alison. Alison tries to play peacemaker as Tucker says he’ll make the finger sandwhiches. He pours beer on the finger stumps. Dale sits across from Chad as Alison makes the tea. Its Earl Gray*

Warlock and D: Hahahhaa

*Alison wants them to tell both sides of the story and envision the other in the other’s shoes*

Warlock: Hahahahaha.

*Chad says before he was born, his parents were attacked by hillbillies. The memorial day massacre. His mother was captured by the hillbillies. They tortured his parents. She escaped but his father’s body was never found. He says his mother was in an asylum when he was born. Alison “….Okay”

D: Well that sucks.

*Jason and Chloe sneak around outside. Jason “Dammit woman, don’t argue with me.”

D: Its amazing she’s in college.

Warlock: With the intellect of a shoe.

*Jason peaks in to the peace talks and says Chad and Alison are hostages. Dale tells his side that he would have been 6 years old at the time. Chad says it wasn’t them but it was done BY people like them. Dale says he fells better now. Meanwhile Jason barges in with a weed whacker and goes to kill Tucker, but he ducks and Jason cuts Naomi’s face off*

Warlock: What an idiot!

*Chad knocks the table over on Dale and tries to kill him with a hatchet. Tucker punches Chad in the face. Chad throws a lantern on Jason who burns. Chloe throws gas on him by accident and he burns to death. Tucker, Dale and Alison make it out as the place blows*

D: There goes your summer house.

*Tucker “My vacation house.” Alison “I’m a terrible therapist” Chad staggers out of the house disfigured with a limp and hobbles after them. Tucker, Dale and Alison drive off….and into a tree*

D: Oops.

*Jangers licks Dale awake. Dale asks Tucker what happened. Tucker says Chad took her. Dale laments saying he never should have tried his luck with Alison. Tucker gives him a pep talk saying Dale is better than he thinks he is. Tucker says Alison digs him*

Warlock: Yeah really do.

*Tucker says take Jangers and go get Alison, he’ll be fine. They go to shake hands but Dale grabs the wrong hand and Tucker cries out in pain. Tucker “Kick the shit out of that college dickhead” Dale “I’m gonna shove my boot down his throat”

Warlock: Hahaha redneck rampage.

*Jangers leads Chad to a lumber mill. Chad ties her up and makes her beg. He starts licking on her as Dale breaks in to save her. Dale packs for battle and scares Alison in the process*

Warlock: Hahahaha

*Chad taunts Dale over the intercom and turns on the buzzsaw. He can’t untie the knot so he cuts her loose. Chad pounces and attacks Dale. They brawl and Dale tosses a hatchet to cut Alison loose. Dale fires up a chainsaw and they go one on one, tool against tool. Chad gets the upperhand and runs upstairs with Alison. Dale “Jesus H Christ that kid is tough as nails”

Warlock: Hahahaha

*Alison finds a newspaper revealing Chad’s father wasn’t the survivor, he was the murderer 20 years earlier. Chad barges in with the chainsaw and and Dale stops him with the newspaper. Alison says Chad is half hillbilly. Chad says nothing is real anymore and goes to rev the chainsaw. Dale throws tea bags on Chad that triggers his ashtma. Dale says he’ll be okay if he gets his inhaler…and Chad falls out the window*

Warlock: So much for him.

*Dale visits Tucker in the hospital, Tucker has his fingers sewn back on. Tucker brings him a beer and a straw. Tucker asks if Dale asked Alison out. Dale says they’re going bowling. Tucker “You little dickhead!”

Warlock: Hahaha

*Dale tells BJ (Bill Baksa) to believe in himself to go ask someone out. Dale and Alison share bonding moments as Dale says besides the killings he’s glad they got to spend time together. She kisses him and says “I feel the same way”. They make out as the credits roll*

Warlock: Well that was fun.

Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 10 out of 10. It was hands down THE best horror comedy movie in the past 10 years.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 9 out of 10. The only thing I didn’t like is how they came out with the story that this was all a misunderstanding. They should have kept running with the fact Tucker and Dale weren’t bad guys but shit kept happening compared to them telling Naomi, Chad and Alison that they weren’t bad guys. I agree that this was the best horror comedy since Shaun of The Dead.

Final Grade: 9.5 out of 10 – Almost the best of all time.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Now THAT was awesome. That’s what a horror comedy is supposed to be like. I laughed my ass off in this one and enjoyed it greatly. It had a great mix of superb acting, a plot and great effects. This is a must see for any horror comedy fan. That about wraps up another amazing adventure, have a pleasant evening.

180. The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing an American Ninja t-shirt, leather jacket, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce bottle of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and lightning strikes nearby. Warlock walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight, Thug D and I continue our coverage of the Carrie series with The Rage: Carrie 2.

*Thug D is in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with band patches on it, Anthrax t-shirt, black jeans and sneakers along with Oaklies shades*

D: Continuing coverage? There’s only two movies.

Warlock: True, look at the bright side, we don’t have to do anything afterwards.

D: Sounds good to me.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s see if The Rage can hold a candle to the original Carrie, let’s begin.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A horrible massacre strikes up after an outcast teenage girl is taunted by a group of high school jocks, all of them unaware of her cutthroat telekinetic powers.”

D: So they just remade the first the movie?

 

*Opening scene has opening credits with someone painting the drapes red*

D: Strawberry designing is not in season. Trying too hard to be edgy right now.

Warlock: *making fun of opening song* Ah ah ah

D: Possibly one of the worst scores I’ve ever heard.

 

*Young Rachel (Kayla Campbell) wonders why her mom is going nuts instead of playing in her room. The mother paints her face*

Warlock: Two movies in a room with an insane mother.

 

*Rachel’s mom Barbara (J Smith Cameron) is hauled off in a mental ambulance as a detective tells her she has to go away for a while. She’s going to live with a nice family*

D: A family that won’t beat you as bad as your mom did.

 

*Rachel says she has no dad and runs inside, telekinetically shutting doors. She falls asleep in the closet next to her dog. She wakes up in the present as current Rachel (Emily Bergl) has to get up for school. Her foster parents yell at her*

Warlock: Why are all authority figures dicks in this movie?

 

*Rachel talks with Lisa (Mena Suvari).Lisa says she lost her virginity*

Warlock: Wow, the prude from American Pie is the non-virgin here.

 

*Rachel and Lisa are best buds*

Warlock: Least she’s doing 100 times better than Carrie who everyone hated.

 

*Eric (Zachary Ty Bryan) walks over with his jock friends*

D: Here comes Brad to wreck the day.

 

*Guys love Tracy (Charlotte Ayanna). Lisa and Rachel walk by and Jesse (Jason London) likes her*

D: He’s been playing a high school kid for 10 years.

 

*Arnold (Eddie Kaye Thomas) makes a joke to crack up the class*

D: Good work Shitbreak.

Warlock: Holy shit this movie has half the cast of American Pie.

 

*Fat teacher yells at class*

D: “God dammit you;ve been playing high school kids for 20 years!”

 

*Lisa walks around sulking*

D: She looks happy.

Warlock: Jesus she looks like she just shot up a bunch of heroin.

 

*Lisa dives off the roof of school and lands on a car*

D: Guess Chris Kleine dumped her at the end of American Pie

Warlock: Was her grades really that bad?

 

*Lockers tart exploding in school. Sue Snell (Amy Irving) is the guidance counselor*

Warlock: Sue Snell is back.

 

*Jesse watches from afar as Sue pulls Rachel away. Idiot with camera films Lisa’s body and asks who’s car she fell on*

Warlock: I need to slap him silly.

 

*Sue gets on the intercom and says at 1 PM they will observe a moment of silence. Eric erases Lisa’s name from the “scorebook”*

D: Covering his tracks.

 

*Sue and others break open Lisa’s locker. Eric is grilled by Mark (Dylan Bruno) about what to do. He’s more worried about the college he applied to turning him down because of a scandal*

Warlock: Wow, what an asshole.

 

*Rachel works at photo shop where she develops the pictures of Eric and Lisa looking like a couple*

D: He’s not really a dick so much as he bows to peer pressure. He doesn’t have the balls to stand up to his friends.

Warlock: Yeah, we all had THOSE type of friends. “Dude you’re with THAT girl?”

 

*Jesse and Mark pull up to the photo drive through*

Warlock: They had photo drive thru’s?

D: You want some cheese on those photos?

 

*Jesse asks if her name is Rachel*

Warlock: No, its Mary. You only see me every day.

 

*Mark wants to buy the pictures off Rachel for 30 dollars. Rachel refuses and Mark says Lisa won’t be picking them up anytime*

D: Oooooh.

 

*Mark tries to ask out Rachel just to get her picture but she refuses and calls herself a dyke because Mark called her that earlier. He speeds off*

Warlock: BURN!

 

*Sheriff Kelton (Clint Jordan) brings Rachel in for questioning with Sue. Kelton reveals Lisa was distraught Eric used her. Rachel reveals that Lisa was bragging about losing her virginity. Sue brings Kelton outside and wants Eric arrested on statutory rape charges since he’s 18 and she was a freshman*

Warlock: That’s not rape, he’s a senior and she’s a freshman. Its fair game.

 

*Kelton doesn’t want to arrest Eric. Sue says he better because she doesn’t want someone else’s daughter jumping off a building*

Warlock: That’s strong.

 

*We get stick footage of Carrie with Carrie White (Sissy Spacek) being tortured in the shower*

Warlock: At least they’re establishing this as a sequel.

 

*Jesse bangs Tracy and doesn’t really care much as Mark, Eric, Camera Guy and sidekick cheer him on. Sidekick pukes as the car pulls away*

Warlock: Oh Jesus.

 

*Tracy flips off the car as they leave. In Jesse’s car, he laments about Lisa killing herself. Tracy “She wasn’t anybody.”

Warlock: Fuck you.

D: There’s your answer.

 

*Tracy asks Jesse to be her date for Mark’s party. He doesn’t really answer. Meanwhile Rachel starts moving stuff telekinetically as Stepfather gets home. He tells Rachel to get the dog*

Warlock: What do you want her to do about it?

 

*Jesse drops Tracy off and speeds away*

Warlock: He just blew her off totally.

D: I faked it the whole time.

 

*Walter the dog gets hit by a truck. Jesse drives up and Rachel screams for help, smashing his windshield with her power. He stops, loads them in the car and drives to the Animal Hospital. The vet (Gina Stewart) says the dog is banged up but will survive*

Warlock: Good thing Neyz didn’t see the dog get hit, but at least he’ll make it.

D: I love how the dog is looking around unhurt even though its supposed to be.

 

*Jesse takes Rachel to a diner and she has blood all over her*

Warlock: Looks like a mass murderer.

 

*Jesse and Rachel share bonding moments at the diner*

D: I like their chemistry more than Carrie and Tommy in the first movie.

 

*Rachel has dream of trying to save Lisa*

Warlock: Yeah, that kind of thing would fuck someone up the rest of their life.

 

*Ticking clock sound effect*

Warlock: On tonight’s 60 Minutes.
*Sue says Rachel’s mom is at Arkham*

Warlock: Arkham?

D: Guess they couldn’t come up with anything original.

 

*Sue admits she was once a patient while trying to get over Carrie’s death. She asks about Rachel’s background. She stonefaces her. Sue tries to reason with her but she’s too distraught. She uses her power to move a coffee mug off the table. Sue says she didn’t even see her knock the mug off*

Warlock: She knows.

 

*Rachel uses her power to shut Eric’s locker. She says she knows what he did. He just walks away*

Warlock: Run!

 

*Coach Walsh (Steven Ford) talks about smash mouth football as Eric tells Mark he needs the pictures*

Warlock: Heads not in the game, they’ll get their ass kid.

 

*Coach slaps Mark in the head and makes him drop his pants. Coach says after the half-ass block he made during the game he wants to see if there was a tampon up his ass*

Warlock: That’s hilarious but he’d never get away with that now.

 

*Sheriff Kelton confronts Eric at practice. Eric claims he’s never seen Lisa before in his life. Kelton holds up the picture of them together and says he’s lying*

D: “Uh that’s not me, that’s Brad from Home Improvement”

Warlock: Case dismissed.

 

*Jesse asks Rachel to meet her at the diner. Arnold walks up and asks what’s going on*

Warlock: Shut up Shitbreak.

 

*Arnold says Jesse is with Tracy who’s giving Rachel the look of a thousand deaths*

Warlock: Nice choice of words.

 

*Eric runs up to Mark and says he’s been suspended and his dad is going to kill him. The Sheriff is bringing him up on rape charges, he sees the judge on Thursday. Mark says they need to do damage control now*

Warlock: Brad is fucked.

 

*Someone knocks on Rachel’s door, Rachel calls out for her Stepfather who’s now known as Boyd (John Doe). We get black and white camera shots from outside*

Warlock: What’s with the black and white?

D: Trying to be edgy I guess.

 

*Football team fucks with Rachel by playing around by knocking on windows and doors*

Warlock: Oh I see what they’re doing.

 

*The phone rings and Rachel answers*

Warlock: Moe’s Tavern.

 

*Mark completely rips off Scream by saying “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Mark and Eric go to move in. Eric puts on brass knucks and says he’s going to beat the shit out of her. She uses her power to slam the window on Eric’s hand. Boyd and the stepmom return and the jocks run away. After things calm down Mark calls back and threatens her not to spill the beans on Eric*

Warlock: He’s fucked too if this gets out.

 

*Next day Rachel tries to blow off Jesse because she thinks he was involved. He tries to tell her he wasn’t as Tracy nearby bitches to her friend that there’s something wrong with Jesse. She says Tracy is caviar and Rachel is Cheese Wizz*

Warlock: Very poor choice of words.

 

*Jesse says he’ll talk to Mark and Rachel says forget it. Guys like him are supposed to date girls like Tracy, not her. Jesse is relentless and asks Rachel out again*

Warlock: At least he’s got some charm. Tommy had the personality of a glass of water.

 

*Sue tells Rachel they need to talk. Meanwhile Jesse confronts Mark in the locker and tells him to back off Rachel. Mark shouts that he’s gonna do what he can to protect Eric and Jesse says next time he’ll have to go through him. They shove each other and are separated by the team. Jesse says they’re not friends, just grew up together*

Warlock: I wanna see a fight.

 

*Sue quizzes Rachel about her power and when Rachel uses it to smash a Snowglobe on the desk. Sue has a flashback of Carrie going insane at prom*

Warlock: She was thrown out of the building,how did she know what happened?

 

*Jesse and Rachel share bonding moments in the rain*

Warlock: At least they’re trying some character development.

 

*Jesse kisses Rachel*

Warlock: He shoots he scores!!!!!

 

*Jesse’s boner pokes her in the back. She says she’s a virgin and doesn’t know how to say it. She says she wants her first time to be special, like come to her door with flowers. He asks what kind of flowers. She says daisies*

Warlock: You better do it, when you’re on the quest for the holy ass without looking like the assy hole.

 

*Sue visits Arkham Asylum and grills Barbara about who her father is. Barbara says its none of her business. Sue says Rachel is troubled and she’s worried. Sue asks Barbara if she knows about Rachel’s power, Barbara then starts saying she’s known all along. Barbara reveals Rachel’s father is Ralph White….Carrie White’s father*

Warlock: Half sisters.

 

*Sue confronts Rachel and brings her to the ruins of the old high school*

Warlock: That’s pretty cool for the movie’s effect…but Jesus Christ why didn’t they tear this down?

 

*Sue asks if Rachel knows Carrie White and Rachel says she knows the legend. Sue says what’s happening with Carrie is happening with Rachel. Sue finally says she’s not crazy, she’s got the same power as Carrie because her father is Carrie’s as well. Rachel blows her off*

Warlock: I love the contrast. Carrie White was a complete loser with a psychotic mom she lived with and Rachel’s mom is nuts but locked away and at least Rachel looks like she can kick someone’s ass. Nobody messes with her like they did with Carrie.

 

*Eric’s dad (Gordon Clapp) tries to tell Kelton and the assistant DA (Katt Shea) that Eric is a good kid and just had youthful transgressions. Kelton “Youthful transgressions?”

Warlock: I love how the cop is on Lisa’s side rather than Eric’s like in every other movie. How many times have we seen the former jock Sheriff protect the athletes. This is the first movie I can think of that its the other way around.

 

*The DA (Robert D Raiford) says to continue. Eric’s father says if Eric goes down, others will go with him. Eric’s dad names Chuck Potter (Eli Craig), Mark, Brad Winters (Justin Urich) as the co-conspirators. He says if they press rape charges, all of their lives are ruined. The DA says case dismissed because its election year and Eric’s dad is his biggest supporter*

Warlock: You gotta be kidding me.

 

*DA and Eric’s dad leave arm in arm. Eric winks at the asisstant DA and mock salutes Kelton before nonchalantly leaving*

Warlock: Unlike the first movie, I can’t wait to see everyone just fucking die.

 

*Jesse sits with Rachel and asks her to come to the game friday. Jesse says he needs her for luck as Tracy looks on pissed. Tracy says she’s pretty and counts, Rachel doesn’t count. Tracy says she wishes she could do something to make Jesse see the light. Mark gets an idea*

Warlock: Something is afoot.

 

*Jesse bench presses and Mark spots him. Mark tries to talk to him and Jesse says “Don’t fuck with me.” Mark admits he’s scum, a prick, an SOB and even Jesse laughs. Jesse says he’s not the one who needs an apology*

Warlock: They cut there?

 

*Rachel walks around jewelry store. Monica (Rachel Blanchard) tries to earn Rachel’s trust by saying Tracy tried to steal Brad from her. She puts lipstick on Rachel and begs her to go to the after party after the football game. She walks away and Monica swipes the lipstick for her*

Warlock: This is gonna suck.

 

*Mark runs up to Jesse and hands him cabin keys. Meanwhile we get a montage of Rachel getting pretty for Jesse and the game*

Warlock: Is it me or is this exactly like the first movie where Carrie and Tommy get ready for prom.

 

*Rachel walks out looking gorgeous yet with a stone cold look as Jesse picks her up with daisies*

Warlock: She looks like she’s going to kill somebody.

 

*Jesse tells Rachel about the party on Friday and they should go. Jesse starts making out with Rachel and she starts getting cold feet*

Warlock: They’re just as nervous as you.

 

*Jesse says they don’t have to fuck, they can do it whenever she’s ready. She says she must be crazy. Jesse says she’s the only sane one he knows. She then makes out with him more*

Warlock: Yeah really, this is MUCH better love plot than the first movie.

 

*Montage sex scene to piano music*

Warlock: I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m liking this better than the first movie.

D: Well, the original got to the point, not many creepy disturbing things have happened in this.

 

*Rachel sneaks back to her room but Boyd is waiting. He slaps her*

Warlock: Oh that’s bullshit.

 

*Boyd grounds her and threatens her with further harm*

Warlock: You want to talk rape, what about abuse?

 

*Entire team shaves their heads for the game…except Jesse*

Warlock: I did the same thing my freshman year of wrestling. I was one of two guys that didn’t shave my head.

 

*Sue confronts Barbara, she says she wants Barbara’s help to prevent Rachel from getting hurt*

Warlock: Wow, can they simply bail her out?

 

*Rachel watches the game with the dog as the game begins. Chuck gets popped on the opening kickoff*

Warlock: What a lousy kick return.

 

*Eric is thrown out of the game for hurting another player and the opposing team scores a TD*

Warlock: Hahahaha so he gets thrown out of the game anyway. He beats a rape charge only to get thrown out anyway.

 

*Carrie can take no more and leaves the room. Meanwhile Sue drives Barbara is still insane. Meanwhile at the game, with seconds left Jesse calls a pass play. Rachel runs out to the sideline as Jesse goes long. Jesse catches the hail mary pass for the winning touchdown*

Warlock: Yeah, saw that coming.

 

*Jesse is carried off the field by his teammates, he points to Rachel and even Tracy smiles. In the locker-room the scout that Eric wanted to be recruited by, talks to Jesse instead. Outside Brad says hi to Monica*

Warlock: I love the karma. Eric wanted to be recruited and it ended up being Jesse because he got himself thrown out of the game.

 

*Monica and Rachel get ready for the after party. Meanwhile Jesse’s car is destroyed. Tracy pulls up and offers him a ride*

D: ITS A TRAP!

 

*Sue pulls up with Barbara and asks some kid where Rachel is. The kid says she’s with Monica and Sue is concerned*

Warlock: Finally, let’s end this shit.

 

*Arnold is wasted outside the party. He wants his driver to do donuts in the lawn. Meanwhile Mark tells Eric to beat it as Rachel walks in. Mark offers Monica and Rachel some margaritas. Mark gives a fake apology and Brad says “No hard feelings” Rachel says “As long as you pour me a drink.”

Warlock: Yeah really she’s got more personality than Carrie.

 

*At Tracy’s house, she tries to throw herself at Jesse. Jesse initially resists. Meanwhile a really crappy song plays as everyone starts dancing*

Warlock: I can’t tell them apart now that they all shaved their heads.

 

*Mark puts on the tape of the game and they vulture around Rachel. They switch the tape around to Jesse banging Rachel and her being just a score*

Warlock: Oh this is gonna suck.

 

*Mark makes the reveal that this was a set up.  Mark, Brad and Eric make fun of Lisa*

Warlock: You know, if Jesse stayed at Tracy;s house and Rachel snapped and killed everyone, Tracy saved her life.

 

*Everyone laughs at Rachel as Margaret White (Piper Laurie)  says “They’ll all laugh at you”. Brad spots the tattoo on Rachel pulsating. Suddenly Rachel’s veins turn black and she starts wrecking the place*

Warlock: Now we’re getting somewhere.

 

*Rachel snaps and kills one person as Sue tries to get inside. Chuck runs for the door and Rachel uses a red hot poker to impale both Chuck and Sue through the door*

Warlock: Awwww, that was an accident to kill her.

D: Well she survived the first, you knew she wouldn’t have survived the second.

 

*Brad and Eric see that Rachel is doing the killing and they run for it. Meanwhile Arnold outside says “we’re witnessing a killer party”

Warlock: Hahaha.

 

*Mark, Eric and Monica get packed as Rachel sets the house on fire. Barbara prays to God*

Warlock: Did she just get it?

 

*Rachel stalks the trio of terror and they split for the pool. Rachel uses her power to smash Monica’s glasses and take her eyes out, and she shoots the harpoon through Eric’s nutsack into the pool. They both drop dead*

Warlock: OHHHH YEAHHHHHHHH

 

*Barbara cries out and Rachel is distracted long enough for Mark to shoot her with a flare gun. She falls in the pool and the water turns red. She grabs Mark and pulls him in. She closes the pool doors to knock Mark out as she cuts her way out. Mark drowns*

Warlock: Take that you piece of shit.

 

*Barbara finds Rachel by the pool. Barbara still thinks Rachel is a little girl.  Barbara snaps and runs away after saying “the devil’s inside you”

D: What are the chances that her father married two insane Jesus freaks?

Warlock: That’s why he left.

 

*Jesse and Tracy walk into the party. Jesse cries out for Rachel. Rachel uses her power to drop a flaming pillar on Tracy.  Jesse tries to reason with Rachel but Rachel won’t listen to him. Jesse says he loves her and at first she doesn’t believe him until the tape that’s still playing reveals Jesse whispered it to her when she was asleep. A roof falls and Rachel pushes Jesse out of the way and is crushed by roofing. Jesse tries to lift it off her*

Warlock: Come on man, you were doing the lifting earlier, get it off her.

 

*Rachel says she loves Jesse and he kisses her. His arm catches fire. She uses her power to toss him off her to the pool below. She dies*

Warlock: Well that’s depressing.

 

*Graphic reads One Year Later. Jesse’s arm is mangled from the fire as Walter the dog barks at him*

Warlock: How the hell did he end up with the dog?

D: Well she loved him, no way was Boyd going to take it.

D: Yeah I wish Rachel killed Boyd.

 

*Jesse imagines Rachel coming through his window. They kiss and she shatters into pieces*

Warlock: Nice primitive CGI

D: He’s losing his mind.

 

*Jesse looks at himself in the mirror, end credits*

Warlock: Depressing but par for the course.

 

Thug D’s Assessment:  I give it a 5 out of 10. It was 25 minutes too long, fuck. Wasn’t the worst sequel ever but it was basically the same movie only a little bit more edgy, starring Brad from Home Improvement.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I hate to say it but I had more fun with this movie than the first one. Maybe because I like edge, but I dug Rachel a lot more than Carrie White.  Carrie was your sheltered, homely prude while Rachel was pretty badass and didn’t take any shit from anyone. I give it an 8.5 because the heels were far worse than the first movie and they got their comeuppance grizzlier than the first.

Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very good

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Now THAT was awesome. I know its pretty much the first movie just updated, but I dug the characters a lot more. The first movie the heels were classic bullies just looking to pull pranks and be mean, THESE heels are fucking criminals. That makes it that much better when Rachel finally kills them. The acting was solid even if the soundtrack sucked. All in all its worth a look if you’re into this sort of thing. I still say it would be cool to have Carrie and Rachel’s kind of power.

*D looks at Warlock totally shocked*

D: But…you….lightning…levitate…fire….ugh. Nevermind

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

 

 

179. The Prisoner of Second Avenue (1975)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a Rabid Grannie t-shirt, black leather jacket, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a coffee mug of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock

*Warlock levitates before walking inside*

Warlock: Tonight’s movie is The Prisoner of Second Avenue. A 1975 comedy about a man going through a mid-life crisis with his wife, slowly losing his sanity.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*

Neyz: So in other words, you in 20 years.

Warlock: Shaddup, that’s not nice.

Neyz: Whatever, just get it started.

*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get started with The Prisoner of Second Avenue.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A suddenly unemployed ex-executive suffers a nervous breakdown.”

Neyz: That’s unfortunate.

 

*Movie opens with panoramic view of New York City with the opening credits and a news report*

Neyz: What are you making me watch?

 

*News said the days temperature is 96 degrees with no relief in sight*

Warlock: Hahaha look at the people on the street.

 

*Mel Edison (Jack Lemmon) runs for the bus. He is ordered off by the driver (Fat Thomas) for not having exact change. Mel “I wasn’t born with 35 cents in my pocket”*

Warlock: That’s the breaks.

 

*Edna Edison (Anne Bancroft) drops her laundry in the street. She shouts for Joe (M. Emmett Walsh) who ignores her*

Warlock: That was Senator DeHaven in GI Jane.

Neyz: She was young here.

 

*Mel hops in a cab and the driver (F Murray Abraham) shouts at him*

Warlock: Wow, he’d go on to be in a lot of good movies.

 

*Mel shouts to take him to 47th and Madison but there’s no air conditioning. “Up there its great, back here its a coffin”

Warlock: Heh, even the extras in this movie went on to stardom.

 

*Mel tips the driver 35 cents and kicks his way out of the cab. The driver yells he’s not picking him up again because he hates nervous people*

Warlock: He;ll shoot him.

 

*Mel tells Charlie (Gene Blakely) that Edna is okay. Mel gets stuck in the elevator with Charlie and a host of others, they’re all jam. Mel starts shouting for help*

Warlock: That’s really not going to help.

 

*Mel shouts but the doors open, they weren’t jammed at all. He sheepishly walks out*

Neyz: This poor guy is having a shitty day.

 

*Helen (Dee Carroll) forgot to make Mel fresh coffee*

Warlock: Wow good call.

 

*Helen says people are getting laid off left and right. Mel is sad because the company blocked his company charges of lunch per day*

Warlock: A big pickle.

 

*Mel wakes Edna up in the middle of the night. “If I could sleep you think I’d be calling God at 2 in the morning.” He complains the AC is too cold. “Its 84 degrees outside and 12 degrees inside. One of these they’re gonna need a flamethrower to get us out in the morning”

Warlock: That’s me hahaha.

 

*Edna asks what Mel what his problem with since he’s been grouchy for a week. He dodges the question by complaining about trivial stuff. He then says he can hear the neighbors next door. Edna says she can’t hear it. Mel makes her press her against the wall and she says now she can hear it. Mel says “See, now you know why I can’t sleep.” Edna “Well don’t sleep with your head against the wall, sleep in the bedroom.”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Mel freaks and punches the wall and it cracks*

Neyz: Ohhhhh.

 

*Mel freaks again, Edna says the crack was already there. Mel rants and raves and Edna says he’s having an anxiety attack. He says he’s a little tense. She says to take valium and he says they don’t work. Mel shouts at the wall again and Edna wants to know what’s wrong. Mel “I ate crap today.” Edna “Where did you eat.” Mel “A health food restaurant. If you can’t eat healthy anymore what can you at?”

Neyz: Oh my god it is you!

 

*Edna asks what’s wrong with Mel. He says he used to love food, he hasn’t eaten it since he was 13. He walks out onto the balcony and takes a deep breath. “Christ, what a stink! I can smell the garbage from 14 stories up. Why do they put garbage out in 84 degree heat?”

Warlock: This is scaring me. This really is me in 20 years.

 

*Mel makes Edna smell the garbage. Edna says they have to throw it out sometime, that’s why its garbage. Mel starts screaming and Edna freaks telling him not to take whatever is bothering him out on here. She goes to storm off but Mel finally opens up. He calmly tells her he’s losing his mind. He forgot to work the water cooler at work*

Neyz: Mid life crisis.

 

*Mel says he’s slipping and he’s scared*

Neyz: Oh no.

 

*Mel says the last shrink he saw died after taking 23 grand from him*

Warlock: Should have stole the will.

 

*Someone phones the apartment. Edna “Who could that be?” Mel gets a call from the next door who bangs on the wall. Mel makes Edna beat herself up banging at the wall in return*

Warlock: Poor her.

 

*Next morning Helen says Mr Brockman was fired. Then the phone rings and she answers it. Without saying anything, she nods at Mel. He’s gone too*

Neyz: This guy’s getting the shit stick every 5 minutes.

 

*Mel can’t sleep at night. Edna says his brother Harry (Gene Saks) invited them out. Mel blows her off because Harry give him breathing lessons. Edna says they’re already going. Mel says to just tell him then instead of ask. Next frame is them driving over the George Washington Bridge*

Warlock: Heh, GWB.

 

*2 German shepards greet Mel*

Neyz: Awww they’re the babies.

 

*Mel “Are these your mosquitoes too?”

Warlock: Hahaha.

 

*Belle (Maxine Stuart) talks with Edna about her organic plants and vegetables. They play with dirt*

Neyz: Hahahaha.

 

*Mel says he’s 48 years old and feels old, Harry says he’s 55 and feels like a kid. Living in the country cured him*

Warlock: Hahaha that’s true.

 

*Belle scolds Edna for painting side to side, not up and down*

Warlock: Ughhhh I hate that shit.

 

*Harry in his study asks Mel what his problem is. Mel admits he got fired. Harry says not to panic and its not the end of the world. Harry rants and raves not to panic and Mel says he was there for 22 years. Harry says to join him in the Lighting Fixture business and turns on his lights. Mel blindly says “Can you turn off the lights, it feels like a night game at Shea Stadium”

Warlock: Heh, Flushing.

 

*Mel says he hasn’t told Edna yet. Harry says he doesn’t want to be around for her reaction. Edna walks in and says “To what?” Harry “To dinner.”

Warlock: Nice recovery.

 

*Later in the car Edna asks what’s wrong and he says he needs a dollar for the toll*

Warlock: The toll is like 5 now.

 

*Next morning the news says its 5 o’clock and temperature is 92 degrees. Tells a story of an Albanian man was mugged but didn’t know the English word for help*

Warlock: HAhaha

 

*Edna returns home and find the place ransacked. She calls the police. Mel walks in and completely  ignores the mess*

Warlock: He doesn’t even notice.

 

*30 seconds later Mel finally notices*

Neyz: About time.

 

*Mel shouts for Edna, she nearly takes him out with a lamp. Mel says the place is the mess and Edna says they’ve been robbed. Mel says “How could somebody rob us?” Edna “They just walked right in, what do you think they made an appointment?”

Warlock: Jesus Christ this IS us in 20 years.

 

*Mel is sad they took the television. Edna “What did you want me to do, make a citizens arrest?” Mel is distraught when they find out the liquoir is gone. He runs out the balcony and shouts to the street below “YOU SONS OF BITCHES! DIRTY ROTTEN BASTARDS! YOU HEARD ME!!!”

Neyz: Did he just flip them all off?

 

*Mel and Edna shout at each other. Mel “There’s nothing to drink and there’s nothing to watch.” Edna says 86 dollars in cash was taken. Edna admits she left the door unlocked. Mel says junkies look for openings. Mel goes into the bedroom and finds all his clothes gone. He says they left him khaki pants and a golf cap*

Warlock: Very poor caddying.

 

*Mel finally breaks down and admits he’s been fired. Mel says to take down the living room drapes and make him a suit so he can find a new job*

Warlock: Hahahahha

 

*Edna wants to move Mel says where to. He says out of work lumberjacks saw the legs off chairs because they have nothing to do.*

Warlock: That’s a great line.

 

*The detective (Stack Pierce) walks in as Mel spots two cheerleaders and 2 jocks, he scoffs*

Warlock: What was the point of that?

 

*Mel pays for lunch and leaves the diner. He walks the street with Edna and tells her he’s been fired for a week. He buys a bottle of Chivas Regal and says miracles don’t happen when you’re 48. Moses saw the burning bush at 24, not 48. When they get back to the apartment Mel says “Hello, we’re baaaaack”

Neyz: Hahahaha.

 

*Mel throws various magazines around and plays a music box. Edna “Dinner is served”

Warlock: Doing the best she can.

 

*Frozen pizza and beer is dinner*

Warlock: What a feast.

 

*Mel says he’ll quit his gym membership, he’ll run around the bedroom. Its the only way to keep warm*

Warlock: Good thinking.

 

*Mel punches the wall and it cracks again. He has a panic attack and freaks out. He goes to the balcony and shouts. The guy upstairs (Joe Turkel) tells him to shut up because he has children. Mel shouts that he was robbed and he has nothing. The guy asks if he’s drunk. Mel says they took the liquor, he can’t possibly be drunk. The guy shouts if he has any respect for anyone. Mel “RESPECT? YES, I’VE GOT RESPECT. FOR MY ASS!!!!”

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahaha

 

*Mel dances a jig and the guy’s wife tosses a bucket of water on him*

Neyz: He deserved that.

 

*Edna walks outside and says “I apologize for my husband’s language but God will punish you for that!”

Warlock: Its Glory, God and….

Neyz: Okay that’s enough.

 

*Edna says they can start a summer camp and their daughters would be the counselors*

Warlock: Sleepaway Camp….the prequel.

 

*Edna doesn’t want to live in this world without Mel*

Neyz: Awwwwwww that’s sad.

 

*Edna visits Wayne Morgan (Alan DeWitt) and he says Mr Cooperman (James McCallion) recommended her. She’s a tv studio secretary. Meanwhile Mel can’t find a job in his trench coat*

Neyz: What about the unemployment office?

 

*Mel visits the unemployment office. He tells the clerk (Ketty Lester) that he’s been out of work for 10 weeks. She asks if he’s been looking for work.*

Neyz: They do this shit over the phone now.

 

*Mel says he’s been looking for 10 weeks to find work. He freaks when she asks if he’s turned down work.”Why would I turn down work? I wouldn’t be here asking for work!”

Warlock: Good point.

 

*Edna comes home bustling with activity and news and Mel is throwing a softball into glove*

Neyz: Why is he blowing her off?

Warlock: He’s Mr.Mom 10 years earlier. His pride is hurt, especially in those days. The man was supposed to work and woman furnish the house. Now its a lot different.

 

*Mel says the highlight of his day was going to the toilet*

Warlock: Dayum.

 

*Edna gets pissed because he patronizes her*

Neyz: He’s being a royal dick.

 

*New York Times delivery guy drops off bundles of newspapers*

Warlock: Look at the size of those newspapers back then.

 

*Mel runs in his pajamas stealing food and the newspaper from his neighbors*

Neyz: What is he doing?

 

*Mel says there’s a hair stylist job opening. He says he’ll practice on her and if she doesn’t go bald he’ll take the job*

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Mel increasingly belittles her and she walks out the door as he waters his plants*

Neyz: She needs to give him a big whack.

 

*Mel has a large package and he hands the bellhop a few bucks. He asks when the man upstairs gets home. Mr Jacoby (Ed Peck) gets home at 6. Bellhop asks if he wants to send him a message, Mel says he’s got a message*

Warlock: He’s losing it.

 

*Edna gets groped by a man on the bus and she says to try his perversions somewhere else. Back home an increasingly unkempt Mel laughs at himself. Edna asks why he’s laughing, Mel says private joke. Mel will tell her when the time comes*

Warlock: This autta be good.

 

*Mel has a mischievous smile on his face. Edna says to stop staring at her. Mel says there’s a conspiracy plot for him not to get a job. Edna “Oh that plot”

Neyz: Hahaha

 

*Mel goes on another insane rant about social economics*

Warlock: He’s lost it.

 

*Mel holds Edna’s face and says this is going to frighten her. There’s an invisible plot that only a handful of people know about it. They’re after everyone*

Neyz: The book of the month club.

 

*Mel says the human race is behind the unemployment. Edna mocks him and he freaks. Mel then goes on an actual sane rant about how she has no idea what its like being unemployed, mocked for being unemployed and had a bucket of water thrown on him. He then runs out on the terrace and screams “I have NOT forgotten you you sonovabitch!”

Neyz: My grandmother would do that.

 

*Edna wants Mel to see a doctor. Mel rants and raves as Edna makes a phone call to a shrink. Mel then goes insane with a knife and opens his package, its a snow shovel. He’s going to bury Mr. Jacoby*

Warlock: This is hard to watch.

 

*Mel tells the shrink (Ivor Francis) he couldn’t sleep. He gets cut off because his time is up. Mel “Jeeeeeeesus”

Neyz: Hahaha

 

*Pearl (Florence Stanley) is crying at Harry’s dinner table because Mel suffered a nervous breakdown. Harry says to give him a loan until he gets a job and pay them back. Their sister Pauline (Elizabeth Wilson) protests. They talk about his head falling off*

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahah what?

 

*Pauline, Harry and Pearl visit Edna to help her take care of Mel. They want to give her money but Edna has no idea how much it’ll cost. It may cost 25 grand. Pauline wants to talk in private but Harry says out with it. Pauline says they found out what X was. Edna is thankful for their help but Pauline says she hasn’t been invited over in 9 years. Edna says Mel needs to get out of New York City and move the country. Harry agrees. Edna says they should start a summer camp in Vermont*

Warlock: Vermont.

 

*Edna says she needs 25 grand for a summer camp. The price is 100 grand. Harry finally snaps and says 100 grand for someone on the verge of a breakdown is insane. He says he’ll help when Mel is better. Edna snaps at them and says they suck for wanting to help when he’s okay but not when he’s down. She tells them to get lost for another 9 years when Mel walks in fucked up from sedatives. Harry, Pauline and Pearl say hello but he;s out of it*

Neyz: Did they put him in a day program or something?

Warlock: What’s that?

Neyz: Like for crazy people.

Warlock: Hahaha that would be hilarious.

 

*Mel thinks Harry is the one who’s sick and he starts giving tips*

Neyz and Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Radio news says crazy kids cut obscene words in the grass in central park*

Warlock: This reminds me of MASH with the “attention all personnel” announcements.

 

*Mel says to the shrink he’s gonna use his shovel and drop snow on Jacoby’s head. Mel says his brother laughs at the Farmer’s Almanac. Mel has an epiphany that Harry is more like his father and he’s never stood up to him or anyone and that’s why he’s in this position. His time is up “Jeeeeeesus”. Radio announcement says the gay liberation basketball has only been playing with themselves since December*

Warlock: Good luck getting away with that joke now.

 

*Mel gets pick-pocketed by some guy (Sylvester Stallone)*

Warlock: This is the reason why we’re watching this movie. Recognize the pick-pocket?

Neyz: Rocky!

 

*Mel figures out the pick-pocket stole his wallet and he chases him into Central Park*

Neyz: So you mean to tell me before he became a big boxer, he was on the streets of New York robbing people of their wallets?

 

*Mel keeps up with the pick-pocket in a chase scene. He tackles him to the ground and demands his wallet back. The pick-pocket gives it up and runs away, jumping over cabs*

Warlock: Stardom was right around the corner for that guy.

 

*Mel tells a guy with a dog (Harry Ray) to curb him*

Neyz: Awww its a babies.

 

*Joe the bellhop says the elevator is out. Edna has to walk up 14 flights with grocery bags. Meanwhile Mel scampers in the building. Joe tells him the same story. Mel says he’ll pray for rain on the way up*

Warlock: He’s more skippy.

 

*Edna is passed out on the couch. Even Mel is tired as he makes it in the door*

Neyz: That’s me.

 

*Mel “I just walked up fourteen flights.” Edna “You should have called me, I would have carried you” Mel is ecstatic because he stopped a guy from mugging him and pulls out his wallet. Edna “Mel, that wallet is black, yours is brown. You left it on the dresser this morning.” Mel “By God, I mugged a kid.”

Warlock and Neyz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

 

*Edna takes the cash out of the wallet and says they need it. SHE’S been fired too*

Warlock: Ohhhhhh.

 

*Edna goes berserk like Mel did like he did when he got fired. She snaps “What are you, out of your mind???” She stops and apologizes*

Warlock: How are they gonna end this?

Neyz: She’s scarrrry.

 

*Mel says he’s gonna take care of them. He claims he’s got his strength back. Edna says they should just leave and have some water to take a bath. Mel says this is HIS city and she’ll get water. The doorbell rings and Edna goes to mug the person. Its Harry, he wants to talk in private*

Warlock: What’s he want?

 

*Edna can’t flush the toilet*

Neyz: Hahaha that’s me.

 

*Harry hands him a check for 25 grand and says to start his summer camp. Mel says he can’t accept it because he’s all better now. Harry then goes berserk saying he was never cared about as a kid and Mel got all the attention. Peal and Pauline favored Mel, not Harry. Harry then says that he feels Mel is the spoiled, undisciplined baby yet he envies him because he has everything Mel doesn’t but he’d like to have the attention Mel gets just once*

Neyz: Awwwwww

 

*Mel and Harry make up and Mel tears up the check before Harry leaves. Back upstairs Edna freaks out and screams before Mrs Jacoby (Patricia Marshall) shouts to shut up. Edna runs out on the terrace and screams at her. Mel ushers her inside and HE takes the bucket of water meant for her. Mel says they’re gonna be okay as it starts snowing. Mel grabs his shovel and sits on the couch with Edna. They laugh evilly as we get the end credits*

Neyz: That’s me and you. He went crazy which drove her crazy and she went crazy because he was crazy.

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: It was a good one, I’ll give it an 8.

The Warlock’s Assessment: 7 out of 10. Its a comedy without much substance to it. It was more a story of emotions than it was physical. Its worth a watch but its old time comedy, not new school raunch. Its an acquired taste.

Final Grade: 7.5 out of 10 – Brilliant

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Alright I’m officially freaked out now. That was too close to home and I think I may have to run away now. The movie was great for its time even if it hasn’t aged well. Everyone turned in great performances and two extras went on to star in iconic movies still talked about today. That about wraps up another goodtastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.

*Warlock runs out of the lair screaming*