438. Picasso Trigger (1988)

*The Warlock, Thug D and Mr. Wallstreet are on a beach in various bathing suits and attire. They’re surrounded by beautiful busty blonde women*

War: Coming atcha live from Miami Beach, Happy New Year from Warlock’s Movie Realm.

*Thug D and Mr. Wallstreet raise their Margarita glasses*

D and Wall: Cheers!

War: Mr. Wallstreet has graciously invited us all down here for his New Year’s Eve party.

*Mr. America is playing volleyball with Neyzor Blades and Lady T. The Grand Wizard is nearby reading a Lee Child novel in a beach chair*

D: But first we have some business to attend to.

W: That’s right, since we’re down here in the sun. We may as well put on an Andy Sidaris movie.

Wallstreet: You guys have fun with that. Neyzor Blades looks like she needs a partner.

*Wallstreet joins the game and leaves D and Warlock*

W: Suit yourself, the next movie on the Sidaris list is PICASSO TRIGGER.

D: The villain from Hard Ticket To Hawaii has a pissed off brother that wants to avenge his death.

W: Family fun for all. Let’s start PICASSO TRIGGER.

 

Written and Directed by Andy Sidaris

 

Cast:

Travis Abilene (Steve Bond)

Donna (Dona Speir)

Taryn (Hope Mare Carlton)

Jade (Harold Diamond)

Salazar/Picasso TriggerE (John Aprea)

Pantera (Roberta Vazquez)

LG Abilene (Guich Koock)

Miguel Ortiz (Rodrigo Obregon)

Hondo (Bruce Penhall)

Edy (Cynthia Brimhall)

Professor (Richard LePore)

Schiavo (Nicholas Georgiade)

Kym (Kym Malin)

Patticakes (Patty Duffek)

Inga (Liv Lindeland)

Toshi Lum (Dennis Alexio)

Glen (Rustam Branaman)

Clayton (Keith Cooke)

Jimmy-John (Wolf Larson)

Juan (John Brown)

Charles Patterson (Roy Summersett)

Larry (John Dunn)

Agents (Abb Dickson and Erick Schrum)

Cameos (Cynthia Barnes, Luis Castille, Sofia Elias, Barbara Allen, Charlie Allen, Eileen Matsuura, Nancy William, Nobu Shimizu, Robert R Davis, JC Roberts Jr, Matthew A Jones, Laurie Penhall, Jill McDonald, Ashley Sugar)

Assassin (David Hadder)

News Photographer (Bob Pearce)

Whitey (Andy Sidaris)

 

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “After his brother was eliminated, a crime lord triggers a ruthless hunt against all agents responsible, and the remaining agents will have to avenge their fallen comrades.”

D: Hahahaha

 

*Opening credits*

D: Bond…Steve Bond.

 

*Eiffel Tower and Paris is shown*

W: Where are the Griswalds?

 

*Man hands another man a package. Miguel Ortiz sent the guy a package, its a VHS tape. Miguel says the plan is in motion to avenge his brother. He wants his help, the man is Salazar*

W: Oh I know him, he’s Tessio in Godfather 2 and Don Armateo in New Jack City.

D: New Jack is a great movie.

 

*Salazar says the Picasso Trigger is a great painting. Man must learn from god’s creatures to protect what’s beautiful. Pantera looks on in the crowd*

W: Muy bonita.

 

*Pantera says the last time he did this, he was indicted. Pantera says Picasso Trigger is his codename. He says he’s nearing a new beginning. The assassin takes aim at Salazar and shoots him*

W: So much for him.

 

*Uncle Longone calls Travis*

W: Look at that mullet.

 

*Uncle tells Travis that Picasso Trigger is dead. No one knows who did it. We cut to Vegas to Donna and Taryn performing at a cabaret*

W: Hey its Chris Jericho.

D: Haha that guy does look like him.

 

*Mr. Schiavo tells a woman she can replace Donna and Taryn. A henchman plants a tracking device while two agents say they could be replaced. Henchman tells a casino girl to hand the flower to the two agents*

D: He just stinks.

 

*Fred and the henchman take off in a chopper*

W: Wish we could get some names.

D: Love how they’re really in Vegas.

 

*The two agents drive down the Nevada road and they wonder who killed Salazar. The helicopter finds them and the agents shoot at it, but they blow the car with a bazooka*

W: So much for those two.

 

*Edy meets Miguel Ortiz*

D: She gets a boob job in the next movie.

 

*Miguel and his crew drive off. Larry and Susan sit with Edy, Edy says something is in the air. Glenn and Peter have scored. Edy says goodnight to Larry and Susan. Hondo assassinates Larry and Susan*

D: I’m pretty sure he’s the good guy in the next movie.

W: Never saw it.

 

*Donna and Taryn get ready for the day, Donna takes a shower*

W: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*Donna and Taryn go scuba diving as Hondo and his henchman Glenn set up a toy plane. Donna says Jade will appreciate the samples*

W: That toy plane is out of Vice City.

D: I hated that fucking level.

 

*The toy plane crashes into the boat and Miguel detonates it*

W: Why didn’t they wait until they saw the women were on the boat?

 

*The boat blows up*

W: The boat’s toast…

 

*Glenn, Hondo, Miguel and his henchman celebrate. We cut to a guy on horseback*

W: Ha, Arthur Morgan being watched.

 

*Evil agents blow up the LG’s helper thinking its him. LG calls Travis and says Pantera is on her way and show her Texas hospitality. Travis needs to contact the Professor and keep a low profile. Travis says goodbye to his parents*

D: I think that’s Sidaris’ wife.

 

*Donna and Taryn hitchhike and an Asian man picks them up*

D: They’re hot women, of course he’d stop.

 

*Donna and Taryn board the Sugar Cane train and asks who wants them dead*

W: Hogwarts Express in the 80’s.

D: Ha!

 

*Two surfers check out Donna and Taryn. Jade shows up*

W: Its Jade from the last movie.

D: Yeah.

 

*Dolphins perform*

W: Echo and Flipper

D: Best actors of the movie.

 

*Donna and Taryn call Jade. Jade says Travis is in Dallas, we cut to Travis*

W: The main protagonist to all three movies have the same last name.

 

*Pantera in a nightie answers the door*

W: Hello!!!

 

*Pantera “Hello Agent Abeline”

D: Want some milk?

 

*Travis says Pantera was special, she says he was special*

W: This is like the opening of a porno.

D: You know what’s funny is these films have the hottest women but the most boring sex scenes. I’ve seen better sex scenes in Jason movies.

 

*We cut to Travis and Pantera leaving*

W: So did they do it?

D: See what I mean? We didn’t even get one.

 

*Pantera and Travis dance at a club*

W: The hair metal version of Billy Ray Cyrus.

 

*Pantera and Travis get a drink. Travis says she looks great. She says she does the best she can with what she has*

W: This dialogue sucks but it works.

 

*Travis and Pantera reminisce about being in high school together. Pantera says she had rug burns on her rear from doing it on the rug. Pantera says they broke up because she was going to get married and he didn’t stop her. Pantera loves him, needs him and wants him. Travis says that wasnt his style and they kiss as the assassins look on*

W: Dollar Store Magnum TA over here.

 

*Travis and Pantera get it on*

W: Here we go, time to test your theory.

 

*Useless sex scene*

W: He’s rounding second base

 

*Travis reaches in her jean short holes and grabs her ass*

W: He’s going for the culo.

 

Pantera pulls him closer and we cut to Uncertain Texas*

D: That was it.

W: You were right, that was horseshit.

 

*Pantera wears leopard print leggings*

W: Woah.

D: They’re so southern and stupid they don’t know what state they’re in.

 

*Pantera and Travis meet LG as the Dallas Star says Miguel knocked off all the agents. Pantera says LG was the only one Ortiz didn’t get back in the day. The assassins show up and Pantera spots them. Travis tells Pantera to stay inside, he and LG will take care of them*

W: This should be fun.

 

*Travis and LG grab guns and leave Pantera behind to jump into a speedboat*

W: Oh boy, a chase scene.

 

*The assassins and the Abilene’s shoot at each other with Pantera following behind*

W: You can take the blonde women, I’ll take her.

D: Okay.

 

*Travis shoots and misses*

W: That’s right, the Abilene’s can’t shoot for shit.

 

*Pantera caps one of the assassins. Travis says Pantera got him. Travis tells LG to take care of it. LG caps him easily*

W: Love how they kept the tradition that the main character can’t shoot for shit.

 

*Pantera pays the boat lady for “renting” the boat. Pantera asks where Travis learned to shoot and he says its a gift*

D: Where did you learn to fly?

 

*Travis calls Jade and Jade tells them Donna and Taryn are safe. Travis says get himself, Donna, Taryn and Edy to Vegas. Jade says sure. Travis “You ready to boogie?” Pantera “Sure”

W: Love to see her dance.

 

*Graphic reads Thursday as LETHAL holds a meeting. Travis says they need to strike o Monday. Toshi is Ortiz’ right hand man. Glenn and Schiavo are working for Patterson who’s business is snuff films*

D: Toshi is Van Damme’s brother in Kickboxer.

 

*Travis says Miguel is the head honcho. Travis wants Donna and Taryn to take out Miguel as Donna smokes a cigarette. Pantera tells her off and asks Travis where he’ll be. Travis says he and Pantera will take Salazar’s base to search for clues. Travis wants Miguel’s entire crew arrested. He says to expect the worst. We cut to Travis by himself saying he knew Pantera in college and Donna is jealous. She doesn’t like Pantera sleeping with Salazar and Travis knows she’s jealous. She drops her dress and tells him to check her out. He does and we get another sex scene*

W: This guy gets around.

 

*Sex scene*

W: Are those fake?

D: Her tits? Yes.

W: At least the scene was short.

 

*Graphic reads Friday. Taryn tells Edy and Jade to take care*

W: We’re back in Hawaii? Look at that scenery.

D: That really is beautiful.

 

*Whitey watches the agents suck at golf*

D: There’s Andy Sidaris again.

 

*Whitey sinks a 90 foot putt. Jimmy John loses the game. Whitey tells Jimmy John to take Taryn to dinner and he walks off with Willy. Jimmy and Taryn kiss*

W: We were spared another scene.

 

*Travis and Donna are in a plane. He wants to do it 7 times*

D: In that little ass plane?

 

*Schiavo and Glenn watch the dancers at the Greenhorn Club*

W: These two again?

D: Horrible act.

 

*Schiavo wants to hire the girls but wants them to be risque. He tell them to think it over “Anything for money.” We cut to Travis saying he loves her back. She goes to light up a cigarette and Travis says “Wait a minute.”

D: “Who’s flying the plane?”

 

*Travis looks at the pictures of Salazar being assassination and realizes his watch is on the wrong wrist. We cut to Jimmy and Taryn kissing in the pool*

W: That was cool.

 

*Professor strips his wife Inga down*

W: That’s Sidaris’ wife?

D: I think so.

 

*Inga and Professor greet Donna and Taryn*

W: Ohhhh my dad knows her. I think she was Playboy Playmate of the Year in 1971.

 

*Edy works out*

W: Woahhhhhhh

 

*Jade helps her up and they kiss*

W: Here comes another sex scene.

 

*We cut to Travis and Professor*

W: Or not.

 

*Professor’s crutch is actually a gun. “Killing is an art form”

D: Ha!

 

*Donna and Taryn spot Hondo and Clayton*

W: Holy shit its Reptile from Mortal Kombat.

 

*Edy and Jade are dressed as the phone company*

W: Ha!

 

*Edy and Jade plant weapons as they enter Toshi’s office*

D: Think Kickboxer came out shortly after.

 

*Rusty bullies Jade*

W: Johnny from Karate Kid on steroids.

 

*Jade and Edy say they’ll be back and they leave. Meanwhile the dancer girls meet with Glen and Schiavo. Patterson wants to come too and they say that’s fine with them. The dancers are agents working for Juan. “We bite back” Juan “I bet you do.” Kym and Patticakes are the girls*

D: Her name is Patticakes?

 

*Both girls are naked*

W: I hate to say this but when there is too many hot women, when they go naked it kind of desensitizes the nudity. Like if just one woman was super fine, it means a lot more. Oh fuck it, what am I saying? Its all good.

D: Yeah, shut up and enjoy it.

 

*Kym and Patticakes perform for Glen, Schiavo and Patterson*

D: Ugh, this is the worst thing. Just a horrible performance. I wonder if Sidaris had sex with any of the girls.

W: Either all of them or none at all.

 

*Rusty and a bodyguard ask what Edy and Jade are doing there. Jade tries to arrest the men but they resist. Rusty puts Jade in the Boston Crab and knocks Edy out. Jade recovers and rips Rusty’s throat out and knocks out the other guy*

D: I wonder if hes a wrestler.

 

*Kym and Patticakes end their performance*

D: Boooooo!

W: Hahahaha

 

*Kym and Patticakes pull guns. They blow away Patterson and Schiavo but Patticakes is grazed by Glen. Juan runs up and strangles Glen to death. Juan carries Patticakes as Kym says she’ll be okay*

W: That was closed.

 

*Toshi and Jade fight one on one*

W: Finally something interesting.

D: “If my brother Van Damme was here, you’d be in trouble,”

 

*Jade wins the fight and throws him out the window*

W: I thought they were supposed to arrest them.

 

*Rusty busts through the wall*

D: I thought this was the Shockmaster auditions.

 

*Edy kills Rusty and we cut to Hondo and Clayton spotting Donna and Taryn*

D: James Wan is making a new Mortal Kombat. Wonder if he’ll be in it.

 

*Donna and Taryn get the drop on Hondo and Taryn. Taryn caps Clayton*

W: Don’t even get to see him fight.

 

*Donna and Taryn chase Hondo and blow him up with a boomerang*

W: A boomerang???

 

*Donna and Taryn spot Miguel. Miguel hears on the radio that his entire crew has been wiped out. Miguel says they cannot be compromised*

W: COMPROMISED! SUSPECT DOWN!

 

*Lance and Spearo are the bodyguards and they fire on the girls. Taryn uses a booby trapped RC car to blow Miguel’s house*

W: No giant snake in this one?

D: No, that was a horrible plot point in the last movie.

 

*Spearo shoots at Taryn and Taryn blows him away. Lance shoots her with a shotgun blast and she falls down but pops up with a pistol and shoots Lance dead*

W: How is she still alive?

D: Because of “reasons.”

W: Fuck you that’s why.

 

*Miguel shoots at Donna and Donna hits his bike with a booby trapped harpoon. It blows the bike and Miguel*

W: Yeahhhh we got him.

 

*LG calls Donna and Taryn and says there’s an emergency. Taryn says her vest stopped the blast*

W: That’s the world’s smallest kevlar.

D: No shit.

 

*Travis meets Pantera with a pistol and the crutch. Travis wants her to stay outside and keep watch. She tells him the entrance is on the left hand side and they kiss*

W: Oh he knows something’s up. He didn’t tell her the crutch is a gun.

 

*LG calls Donna and says they didn’t miss killing LG, he was never the target. Travis hobbles around Salazar’s place and he’s there waiting for him. Travis puts together the crutch gun and realizes the place is radioactive. Salazar knows LG is alive and he killed the helper on purpose to get LG to knock off his competitors*

W: Brilliant.

 

*Salazar says his most prized possession is the Picasso Trigger. Travis says he’s seen enough and shoots bulletproof glass, a rocket launcher camera blows his stool away but he’s fine. Travis shoots at Pantera and apologizes after he misses. They kiss and Pantera flicks a knife only to have a harpoon shot through her*

D: Right in the ass!

 

*Donna killed Pantera and Travis reluctantly thanks her. Donna “She was one of them.”

D: She’ll be back in the sequel as a good guy.

 

*Travis says “Let’s get that son of a bitch Salazar”

W: Yeah really, end this.

D: The funny thing is I’ve never seen his films available for rent anywhere.

 

*Salazar escapes on a hovercraft, Travis chases him on a speedboat. Travis shoots at him point blank and misses*

W: Not even I’m that bad.

 

*Salazar shoots at Donna*

W: Nothing came out of the gun.

D: That’s how Sidaris saved money.

 

*Donna blows away Salazar and the boat with a harpoon missile launcher. Travis staggers ashore and says nice shooting. They kiss as she says take no prisoners*

D: “You fucked the enemy but that’s okay.”

 

*Donna asks who was killed in Salazar’s place and Travis says some poor actor. Travis realizes the guy they killed was a double too. Salazar kills his right hand man for no reason after inspecting Pantera’s body. Travis sets up the crutch as a mortar launcher*

D: May want to let her shoot.

 

*Travis shoots the crutch and its a heat seeking missile, it blows Salazar away. At LETHAL, Travis tells of what Salazar was up to and how he stopped him. Donna says Pantera was a bitch. Taryn says she’s keeping a replica painting*

D: Look at her skirt.

 

*End credits*

W: Wow.

 

Thug D’s Assessment: I loved it but its a 5 out of 10. The dolphins were the best actors and its mindless. If you’re looking for a good film, look elsewhere. If you’re looking for good cheese, go for it.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6, it was totally mindless with a lot of titties. I will give credit for coming up with bizarre weapon ideas. The acting was god awful but it gave the movie its charm

Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average

 

*Warlock rises from his beach chair*

W: Typical Sidaris cheese and I had a good time. You can’t expect a deep plot or good acting with Sidaris movies so all you can do is shut your brain off and have a good time.

D: Speaking of good time, let’s join that volleyball game.

W: Sounds good to me.

*Warlock and D join the game*

W: Happy New Year everyone.

437. Better Off Dead (1985)

*Darnell The Delivery Guy pounds on The Lair’s front door. Warlock opens it and Darnell shoves his package at him and storms off in a huff. Warlock is wearing a black leather jacket, SANTA WITH MUSCLES t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He walks inside*

W: Yeesh, what’s his problem?

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*

N: With all the packages you get from Mr. Wallstreet that he has to deliver on a daily basis and after Mr. America nearly wiped him out, can you blame him for being grumpy?

*Warlock opens the package*

W: BETTER OFF DEAD.

N: What??? How dare you say that about him.

W: No…that’s the movie I got in the mail, BETTER OFF DEAD.

N: What on earth is that?

W: Its a John Cusack movie from the 1980’s. Thug D suggested it and Mr. Wallstreet sent it.

N: Those goons enable you so bad.

W: Its got Major Winchester in it, you may like it.

N: Like I have a choice? What’s it about?

W: I think John Cusack is on the ski team. That’s all I know.

N: Oh wonderful.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: So let’s start BETTER OFF DEAD.
Written and Directed by “Savage” Steve Holland

 

Cast:

Lane Meyer (John Cusack)

Al Meyer (David Ogden Stiers)

Jenny Meyer (Kim Darby)

Johnny Gasparini (Demian Slade)

Badger Meyer (Scooter Stevens)

Monique Junot (Diane Franklin)

Mrs. Smith (Laura Waterbury)

Ricky Smith (Dan Schneider)

Yee Sook Ree (Yuji Okumoto)

Chen Ree (Brian Imada)

Rocko (Chuck Mitchell)

Beth Truss (Amanda Wyss)

Charles De Mar (Curtis Armstrong)

Roy Stalin (Aaron Dozier)

Roy’s Ski Buddies (Frank Burt Avalon, Joe W Davis, Peter Ellenstein)

Mr. Kerber (Vincent Schiavelli)

Buster (Edward Mehler)

Roller Skater (Thomas Rollerson)

Nerds (Toby Iland, Jonathan Charles Fox, Darren Harris)

Jocks (Randy Stoklos, Sam High, David Vaughn)

Chris Cummins (Tina Littlewood)

Tree Trimmer (Steven Williams)

Helper (Stuart K Robinson)

Mailman (Taylor Negron)

Joanne Greenwald (Rima Delane)

Elizabeth Daily (Herself)

The Band (Ron Anello, Dominick Certo, Jude Cole, Robert Gianette)

Backup Singer (Angie Rubin)

Paperboys (Yano Anaya, Joey Tushnet, Sebastian Dungan)

Smitty (Rick Rosenthal)

Voices (Rich Little)

Students (Catherine Fitz, Stevie Mack)

 

 

*The Warlock reads the tagline*

W: “A teenager has to deal with his girlfriend dumping him among family crises, homicidal paper boys and a rival skier.”

N: Skier?

 

*Animated opening*

W: Wasn’t One Crazy Summer like this too?

 

*Lane Meyer wakes up with a montage of pictures of his girlfriend*

W: He’d get arrested for that now.

 

*Olivia Newton-John song comes on*

W: Persuasion haha.

N: Worst quality.

 

*Lane takes a shower with his socks on*

W: What an idiot.

N: I don’t know why.

 

*Al and Jenny Meyer are asleep*

W: Major Winchester.

 

*A bike with haunting music is shown*

W: There’s your homicidal paper boy.

 

*Montage of broken windows are shown*

W: Hahahahaha

N: He’s not homicidal, he’s just misunderstood.

 

*Paperboy misses and Al celebrates*

W and N: Hahahahaa

 

*Jenny boiled bacon and Al is horrified*

N: Grosssss

 

*Al “What is Lane doing up at this hour on a Sunday? Does he turn to dust if the sun hits him before noon.”

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Every shirt he has is under a picture of his girlfriend*

N: That’s kinda creepy.

 

*Al pulls out all the cereal boxes and the cereal falls out because the youngest son is mailing proofs of purchase. Al yells at him for not driving the car they bought. We cut to The Smith house. Ricky meets Monique the foreign exchange student. Yee Sook and Chen challenge Lane to a drag race and he guns it…in reverse. He plows into Rocko who calls him a stupid bonehead*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Lane’s girlfriend Beth is about to dump him and she puts his picture in the trash*

N: What a bitch.

 

*Lane, Charles and Beth watch Roy Stalin ski. He’s the one Beth likes. Roy is the judge and tells the boys they’re losers and hits on the ladies, Beth included*

N: God he’s repulsive.

 

*Roy tells Lane to get up there and see what he’s got, he pushes everyone down and Beth laughs at him. Roy calls him Oscar and laughs at him. Charles hypes up Lane and calls Roy a punk. Lane goes down hill*

N: That’s definitely not John Cusack, probably an olympic skiier.

 

*Roy clocks Lane too early and says he didn’t make the team. Beth says she needs to go out with someone with a better car and better looking*

N: What a bitch.

 

*Lane gets challenged to another drag race and he plows into Rocko again*

W: Hahahahha.

 

*Jane blows Lane off and he goes to hang himself*

N: Don’t be a sad sap.

 

*Lane talks himself out of it but Jenny pushes him off the stool by vacuuming*

W: Hahahahahaha

 

*Charles tells Lane that Roy is the only one that can ski well and Lane says suicide is an option*

N: Why isn’t this movie banned

 

*Jane prepares another weird dish*

N: What the fuck?

 

*Al continues to admonish Lane about not using the car, calling it an auto cocoon*

W: Hahahaha.

N: Auto cocoon.

 

*Al says Ricky is a loser who stays in his house and crochets all day. The food moves by itself and Lane says he needs to be excused*

N: Ha, its moving on its own.

 

*Lane asks his brother Badger why he wastes his time with garbage and Badger blows away a box with a lazer gun*

W: Hahahahaha I love this movie.

 

*Lane laments losing Beth. He remembers when they met, Charles and Lane screwing around in front of Beth and her friend*

N: Tab.

W: Diet coke.

 

*Lane and Charles crash the picnic table. Both Beth and Lane talk to each other but their minds speak of how nervous they are*

N: Hahahahaha

 

*Lane wakes up with a note on his head from Jenny to feed the cat. Lane forgot his brother cut the box and the kibble goes all over the floor*

W and N: Hahahahaha

 

*Lane pours himself a bowl of cat kibble when the bell rings. Johnny the evil paper boy wants two dollars and flicks a switchblade*

W: Hahahaha this movie’s fucked.

 

*Lane listens to Breaking Up Is Hard To Do. He scrolls through the radio stations playing nothing but break up songs*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Lane throws the car radio out*

W an N: Hahahahaha

 

*Mr. Kerber teaches algebra and the nerds laugh at his jokes. Everyone pulls out elaborate projects*

N: Me me me me

 

*Lane doesn’t want to go up when called*

W: Write the number 4 a million times.

N: Hahahahaha

 

*Lane spots Beth and has a flashback of them trying to lose their virginity. Robbers steal his tires as the condom breaks. We cut to Lane drawing doodles on the chalkboard as Mr. Kerber makes the class study 100 pages for homework, they all cheer*

N: What kind of class is this?

 

*Charles says he’s been going to high school for 7 1/2 years and he knows what Lane needs to do. Lane needs to pick up the sax and run the K-12. Mr. Kerber pulls Lane aside and asks him for permission to date Beth*

W: What?

 

*Ricky embarrasses himself in front of Monique*

W: A young Dan Schneider.

 

*Charles snorts the jello*

W: Channeling Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.

 

*Roy plays guitar and Lane draws a cartoon of a monster eating Roy. The cartoon of Beth insults him and calls him every name in the book. Lane crimples his cartoon and shouts at it to freak out the cafeteria. Lane is going to ask out Chris Cummins and puts rollerskates on*

W: Hahahaha what is he doing?

 

*Lane awkwardly asks out Chris and she calls him a jerk. Lane accidentally pulls her dress off and the basketball team beats him up. Outside Mr. Kerber rides off with Beth*

N: That’s illegal.

 

*Lane goes to jump off a bridge and Charles says they’ll beat the slope together. Charles pats him on the back and Lane falls off the bridge into a garbage truck. The garbage man says they threw away a perfectly good white boy*

W: Ha, that was Steven Williams from 21 Jump Street.

 

*Charles snorts actual snow and wonders what the street value of the mountain is*

W: Jesus Christ.

 

*Lane says he doesn’t want to be Ricky Smith and Charles tells him to go down the mountain and if anything gets in the way, turn. Lane “What a coach.” Lane goes down and wipes out. Charles “Alright, now turn.”

W: Ha

 

*Lane calls Beth and she says she got presents from Roy*

N: Why didn’t we watch this on Christmas?

W: I didn’t know it was a Christmas movie.

 

*Lane watches a fireplace on TV. Jane got TV dinners for Al and Lane for Christmas*

N: Why is she so weird?

 

*Mrs. Smith acts weird in front of Ricky and Monique. Smushing her face and saying “Christmassssss”. Monqiue’s present is a picture of Ricky*

W: Hahahahahaha

 

*Lane smokes weed in the car and pretends to die of carbon monoxide poisoning. Jane gets Al to wear an Aardvark hoodie including the head*

N: What?

 

*Lane’s present to Jane is he fixed the garage windows. A stoned Lane plows through the garage and the neighbor looks at him wearing his own Aardvark hoodie. The mailman listens to Foxy Lady*

W: Where’s Garth to dance?

 

*Mailman insults Badger and asks Lane’s permission to ask out Beth*

W: Taylor Negron died too soon.

 

*Al tells Lane his punishment is to go out with Joanne Greenwald, Al’s boss’ daughter*

W: His punishment is to go out with a girl.

 

*Lane hypes himself up as the man and he drives to Joanne’s house. A dog answers the door and Joeanne walks out with a giant retainer on her head. She says skip the date and hand her $13.67 and call it a night. He says he’ll cut her a check*

W: Hahahaha that’s funny.

 

*Charles and Lane watch Elizabeth Daily perform*

N: Who’s that?

W: Tommy Pickles.

N: No really…

W: No seriously….

N: Omg I hear it.

 

*Roy tries to insult Charles and Lane by calling them a couple but Charles laughs his ass off at him.

 

*Ricky walks in looking awkward as Beth and Roy kiss*

W: Do we have to see this?

 

*Ricky brings Monique through the crowd. He swings her around as they dance*

N: She’s like “helppppp”

 

*Ricky dances awkwardly and Charles breaks up the kiss to laugh at Roy*

W: Hahahaha he’s turning it around on him.

 

*Ricky collapses and passes out. Everyone dances on him. Monique chases Lane outside and knocks him down. Lane “I needed my nose flattened anyway.” Ricky runs outside to get Monique and Lane tells him to go wait by the door. Ricky “You should not upset mother…ever.” Roy and his crew show up to laugh at Lane as Mrs. Smith tells Monique to get in the car*

W: We got 45 minutes left.

 

*Johnny wants his two dollars. A whole slew of paperboys chase Lane*

N: They’re everywhere.

 

*Lane screams and gets in the car, driving home, running inside and locking the door. Al is startled*

W: That was hilarious.

 

*Badger is having a party with hookers. Lane says Happy New Year*

W: Hahahahaha the little brother is getting some.

 

*Jenny prepares a live octopus as Lane brushes his teeth*

W: What IS that?

 

*Lane brushes his teeth and tips his ears and nose at the same time*

W: Wouldn’t that hurt?

 

*Al walks in on him and is horrified*

N: Ha!

 

*Rocko is Lane’s boss on his first day of work. “You look pretty stupid to me.”

W: Hahahaha Porky.

 

*Rocko says to be there at 6 AM to sweep the floor. Rocko won’t let Lane wash his hands before handling meat*

W: That’s a violation.

 

*Lane has a daydream of him being Dr. Frankenstein with the burgers*

N: Shhhh hahahahaha

 

*Lane creates a live burger that turns into claymation*

N: What the fuck is going on here.

 

*The burger plays Van Halen’s Everybody Wants Some*

W: Yeahhhhh!!!!!

 

*Music video with claymation fries and burgers. Rocko runs in screaming and throws him out*

N: He’s really like Doug.

 

*Roy insults him as Beth slumps*

W: Is he ever gonna get his comeuppance?

 

*Lane skis the K-12 and wipes out in record time*

N: Didn’t he already do this?

 

*Lan reads a newspaper about a man committing suicide as he imagines Barney Rubble insulting him*

W: The guy who wrote this is on drugs.

 

*Monique, Mrs. Smith and Ricky are dinner guests for Al, Jenny, Badger and Lane. Jenny has no idea how to speak French. Monique can’t speak English and Mrs. Smith tries to say Monique and Ricky are in love. Monique is horrified and Lane says “That makes sense.” Monique has to use the bathroom and Mrs. Smith blows herself up. Lane goes to take Monique and Ricky home when Yee Sook and Chen show up to race. Lane explains one can’t speak English and the other only learned by listening to Howard Cosell on Wide World of Sports*

W: hahahahahahahahahhaa

 

*Lane guns it backwards into a pond. Lane thinks Ricky is dead as Monique laughs. Swans swim by

N: Awwww the swans.

 

*Lane drops Ricky, Monique and a duck off at school*

W and N: Hahahaa the duck pops out.

 

*Roy makes fun of Lane and we cut to Monique and Lane sitting together. Ricky sits in to stare at them when Roy shows up to insult Lane with 3 guys behind him*

W: Oh sure, big tough guy needs 3 guys?

 

*Roy hits on Monique and says if she wants to know how great Roy is at love, just ask Lane’s ex girlfriend. Monique shakes a can of coke and sprays Roy with it*

W: Hahahaha yes.

 

*Roy calls her a frog and Lane has enough and goes nose to nose with Roy*

W: Cusack is taller than him.

 

*Lane challenges him to a ski race, winner is Ski Team Captain. He says no one needs to know and an announcement is read at school that the two will be racing at high noon. Lane slumps in his seat*

W and N: Hahahaha

 

*Lane “I must be brain damaged.” He doesn’t think he can win and his Chevy Camaro doesn’t work. Lane drives off and she spots the car*

N: She’ll fix it.

 

*Lane buys skis from Smitt who damn near killed himself in the K-12. Meanwhile Johnny jumps on the windshield and Lane takes him to the car wash. Johnny “Nooo I can’t swim”

W: Ha!

 

*Monique is pissed off and says is broken English that Ricky is pissing him off. She says she pretended to be stupid to fool the Smiths and she’s sick of them. She wanted to see Dodger Stadium and instead sees Ricky. Lane says she has a good pitching arm. Lane says he won’t tell anyone she’s not dumb. Mrs. Smith walks out with bandages on her face and Ricky stares at Lane. Lane throws a ball into a window*

N: Ha.

 

*Next morning Lane walks out to Monique fixing his car*

W: You called it.

 

*Monique says she needs his help to fix the car. We get a montage to Like To Get To Know You Well by Howard Jones*

W: Nice soundtrack.

 

*Lane tells his tale about Beth to Monique. Monique can’t understand that all. She says she needs to beat Roy and Lane drives out in the Camero to Mannish Boy by Muddy Waters. He pulls up to Yee Sook and Chen and challenges them to a race. Lane leaves them in the dust. The girlfriends leave the brothers and they fight*

W: Starting to dole out comeuppance.

 

*Lane takes her on a romantic candlelit dinner to the diner dive he worked at earlier*

N: How come you never blindfold me and take me to a random closed burger joint?

W: Hahahaha

 

*Lane thanks Monique for everything and plays the sax for her*

W: It would have been better if it was a tuba.

 

*Van Halen burgers cuddle*

N: What the fuck?

 

*Monique can ski the K-12 no problem. Lane wipes out in record time*

N: Poor stunt double man.

 

*Monique throws snow at him and they ski together*

N: How’d he get his skiis back?

W: Just a movie.

 

*Monique and Lane cuddle as Charles shows up and says to get moving*

W: Where the hell was he the last 20 minutes?

 

*Charles skiis over Lane’s ski clip and breaks it. Johnny shows up and chases Lane to the race. Johnny chases Lane into the race and Lane is only on one ski. Charles in his Scrooge hat gasps. Johnny’s bike is on a ski*

W: The bike is on a ski.

 

*Johnny “I want my two dollars!” Roy “What the hell is that? Take a hike kid.” Johnny falls off a cliff but is okay*

W: Of course he’s okay.

 

*Lane wins the race and he gets mobbed by everyone including Beth. Charles “You’re the hottest thing since sunburn. Beth runs up and kisses him*

N: Oh no.

 

*Mrs. Smith and Ricky steal Monique away. Yee Sook and Chen interviews Lane and he runs off to get Monique. Mrs. Smith tells Ricky to do something and they have a fencing duel with their ski poles*

W: Hahahaa

N: The final boss.

 

*Ricky bum rushes Lane and crashes into Mrs Smith. Lane grabs Monique and takes off in the Camero. Ricky gets a hand from a nerdy girl*

N: Who’s this?

 

*Ricky goes off with nerdy girl as Mrs. Smth asks where he’s going*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Lane kisses Monique at home plate of Dodger Stadium*

W: Hahahaha yeah they just let him in.

 

*Johnny rides up on his bike*

N: This fucking kid.

 

*End credit scene has Al fixing the garage again only for Badger to bust through the roof in his spaceship*

W: Hahahahahaha

N: So stupid.

 

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I give it a 7, its funny.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 9, it was insanely funny. Everything was over the top stupid but that’s what gave the movie its charm. Its not meant to be taken seriously and if you don’t, you’d have a great time. I can watch this again and again and still laugh my ass off.

Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Outstanding.

 

*Warlock laughs as he rises from the couch*

W: That was BETTER than One Crazy Summer. Seriously, if One Crazy Summer was the trendsetter for random, ADD John Cusack movies….say hello to the champion. Better Off Dead was awesome and it was a lot of fun to watch. I would recommend this to everyone because its not just typical 80’s cheese, there’s a lot of good humor in there and the acting works well. A lot of the actors went on to better things and this was one of their best efforts yet. That about wraps up another amazing adventure, I definitely recommend this. Now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

436. Silver Bullet (1985)

*The Warlock is sitting outside in his 1958 Plymouth Fury when he hears someone howling at the moon*

W: Hmm, coyotes.

*Warlock hears more howling when Mr. America runs out of The Base with a 12 gauge, double barrelled shotgun*

A: GOD DAMN WOLVES, GET OUTTA HERE!

W: What the hell are you talking about? That’s not wolves, that’s coyotes.

A: Are you sure?

W: Yes, but you inspired me.

*Warlock and America go inside*

A: Inspired for what?

W: I got a movie for us.

A: How did I know?

*Warlock flicks his wrist and a DVD box appears*

A: What’s that?

W: Ever heard of the Stephen King story SILVER BULLET?

A: Heard of it, yes. Never read it….but let me guess, it has to do with werewolves?

W: Spot on, spot on.

*America sits in his recliner as Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: So let’s get started with SILVER BULLET.

 

 

Written by Stephen King

Directed by Daniel Attias

 

Cast:

Uncle Red (Gary Busey)

Reverend Lowe (Everett McGill)

Marty Coslaw (Corey Haim)

Jane Coslaw (Megan Follows)

Nana Coslaw (Robin Groves)

Bob Coslaw (Leon Russom)

Sheriff Joe Haller (Terry O’Quinn)

Andy Fairton (Bill Smitrovich)

Brady Kincaid (Joe Wright)

Herb Kincaid (Kent Broadhurst)

Tammy Sturmfuller (Heather Simmons)

Milt Sturmfuller (James A Baffico)

Mrs. Sturmfuller (Rebecca Fleming)

Owen Knopfler (Lawrence Tierney)

Virgil Cuts (William Newman)

Mayor O’Banion (Sam Stoneburner)

Billy McLaren (Laurens Moore)

Aspinall (Rick Pasotto)

Girl (Cassidy Eckert)

Stella Randolph (Wendy Walker)

Stella’s Boyfriend (Michael Lague)

Stella’s Mother (Mura Mailloux)

Bobby Robertson (William Brown)

Elmer Zinneman (Herb Harton)

Pete Sylvester (David Hart)

Porter Zinneman (Graham Smith)

Edgar Rounds (Paul Butler)

Maggie Andrews (Crystal Field)

Smokey (Julius LeFlore)

Uncle Red’s Girl (Roxanne Aalam)

Mrs. Thayer (Pearl Jones)

Mr. Thayer (Ish Jones Jr)

Outfielder (Steven White)

Mac (Conrad McLaren)

Older Jane (Tovah Feldshuh)

Arnie Westrum (James Gammon)

Townsgirl (Laura Warner)

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “A werewolf terrorizes a small city where lives the paralytic Marty Coslaw, his uncle, and his sister, the story’s narrator.”

A: The narrator?

 

*Opening credits*

W: Bowowwooooooooo

A: Bark at the moon.

 

*Spring 1976 is shown. Trucker is totally drunk*

A: Well he’s having a good time.

 

*The drunk Arnie works on the railroad with a werewolf stalking him. The wolf decapitates him*

W: Ohhhh, that was cool. By the way that was Lou Brown from Major League that just got offed.

A: So much for him.

 

*The police say Arnie passed out on the tracks and got ran over by a train. The narrator shows a party being shown. Narrator was 15 and Marty was 11. Reverend Lester Lowe makes a speech. Jane has to look after Marty as we cut to Marty holding a snake*

W: That’s Corey Haim.

 

*Jane finds the snake and hits the deck. Marty’s friends make fun of her. Marty is in a wheelchair and Jane shouts she hates him. Brady makes fun of her and throws the snake at her to make her fall in mud. Jane calls Marty a booger and hates him. Brady says they got her good as Jane runs off crying*

W: Not having a good day is she.

A: No.

 

*Marty and Jane’s parents make Jane apologize but she’s defiant, saying they take his side because he’s crippled. Marty legitimately apologizes as they pull up to their house*

A: I wonder how many times they cut a corner too quick and sent the wheelchair flying.

W: With him still in it.

 

*The father is Bob and he makes Jane wheel Marty in. Jane says Uncle Red is a worthless drunk and Marty says he’s not*

A: This sounds like a promising family dynamic.

W: Dinner time at the Hart house.

 

*Marty leaves money on the table for new pantyhose*

W: What a guy.

 

*Marty reiterates it was Brady’s fault. She says 1.50 should be enough. Jane says Uncle Red is getting divorced and Marty says he’ll like the next one better anyway*

W and A: Hahahaha

 

*Woman takes a bunch of red pills*

W: Who’s that?

 

*Woman reveals her husband committed suicide and that she’s pregnant. The wolf stalks her*

A: At the rate you’re going, you’re not gonna have to worry about suicide.

 

*The Wolf attacks the woman and slices her up. The mother runs up with a gun*

A: She’s got a gun!

W: Too little too late.

 

*The mother finds the woman dead and cries*

W: Wompwompwomppppp

 

*Sheriff Joe Haller tells whoever he’s talking to “fuck off*

A: He’s been in something.

 

*Townspeople complain about Haller. Andy starts trouble and Owen points a bat at him and says enough*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Marty motors around in his chair that Uncle Red pimped out for him. He flirts with a girl as they ride up to the house that was attacked. The girl is Tammy and he escorts her home*

W: Nice accent.

 

*Tammy is afraid of something in a shack as her father says to help with the laundry*

W: Hes got child abuser written all over him.

 

*Tammy’s father calls Marty a cripple and swigs a beer*

W: King knows how to write villains you want to punch in the face

 

*Marty gets gas with Virgil Cuts before we cut to Uncle Red drinking, playing cards and telling a story to Marty*

W: Gary Busey.

 

*Red tells Nan to let Marty finish the game. Marty wins the hand and Red says goodnight. He makes Marty laugh with jokes*

W: You can see he was destined for great things….and Gingerdead Man.

A: Oh god.

 

*Nan doesn’t want Red drinking around Marty and Red goes on a rant saying there’s more to Marty than being a cripple. Nan counters by saying Red is a mess and Marty is impressionable enough to get caught up on it. Nan says he doesn’t want Marty to give up like Red did*

W: Low blow.

 

*Tammy’s father watches NWA wrestling as the wolf mills around outside. Tammy’s father loads a rifle and stumbles outside*

W: This is supposed to be 1976 and they got wrestling from 1985 on TV.

A: Oh you would notice that.

 

*Tammy’s father is Milt and he searches the greenhouse. A spider scares him*

W: That’s just Peter Parker.

A: Heh.

 

*Milt shoots the gun*

W: He killed the potted plant.

 

*Wolf attacks Milt and impales him on a floorboard*

W: Wasnt that the guy from The Mummy?

A: I don’t know.

W: Ohhh, he was in Dawn of The Dead. He was Wooley.

 

*Townspeople are scared that something is going down. Meanwhile Marty climbs a tree to retrieve a kite as Jane says to come down. Nan is more mad at Jane for not finding him*

W: Parents like that piss me the hell off.

 

*The wheelchair is Silver Bullet and she helps Marty into it*

W: The chair is named Silver Bullet.

 

*Brady flies a kite as Marty looks at him*

W: What’s he looking at?

 

*Andy says Joe Haller should be a dog catcher. Deputy Pete says if Andy doesnt shut up, he’ll shut it for him. They go to fight but Brady’s father walks in and says his son is missing. Another Deputy has the bloody kite and says a prayer*

W: So much for the kid.

 

*Brady’s father Herb runs up and inspects Brady’s corpse*

W: I don’t think he’s gonna make it.

A: No.

 

*Brady makes weird sound effects*

W: Hahahaha he sounded like he was singing.

 

*At Brady’s memorial, Reverend Lowe looks somber as Red goes to swig from a flask but stops himself*

W: Oh, he restrained himself.

 

*Red wants to take Marty home and he’ll see Bob, Jane and Nan later. Red says they’ll get the guy and Marty says its some kind of monster*

W: Sheriff! Sheriff!

A: A monster!

 

*Marty tells Red that Tammy was afraid of the Greenhouse that Milt died in. Meanwhile Andy organizes a town militia. Sheriff Haller says they can all go home. Andy says he can’t catch a cold. Haller cuts a promo saying he’s a law in Tarker’s Mills and they should all go home. Andy is defiant and says Joe has done nothing. Herb tells Joe to shut up and wants justice for Brady being torn apart. Brady shows a Polaroid of the dismembered Brady and says he wants private justice. Reverend Lowe tries to stop the lynch mob but even Joe says this is the community spirit Lowe wanted. Lowe tells Billy to stop but he and everyone else drives off*

W: We still got about 50 minutes left.

 

*Guy says “That was close”

W: That was close? Nothing happened.

 

*Guy steps in a bear trap and Virgil tries to free him. Virgil hears a noise and closes the trap back on the guy’s foot*

W and A: Haahahahahaha!

 

*Andy rallies the troops into the foggy bog*

W: This reminds me of the idiot on the Ferris Wheel in 1941

A: Ha, somewhat.

 

*Andy realizes the monster is there with them. Billy is attacked as everyone begins to get picked off one by one. Bobby and Maggie run for it as Owen goes down swinging. We cut to church with three more caskets*

W: There’s gonna be nobody left at this rate.

A: At least Herb was right.

 

*Lowe says he wishes he had comforting words as Herb laughs says there’s no comfort, only private justice. Lowe says the bible says not to fear what’s in the night* Lowe sees the whole town turning into wolves*

W: Oh he’s having a dream.

A: That’s some dream he’s having.

W: Must have cost an arm and a leg for costuming and makeup for that one scene.

 

*Lowe wakes up and asks god to end it*

W: Oh it’ll end.

 

*The fireworks are cancelled and Jane scoffs at Marty. The parents quickly rebuke her and she scoffs at them for taking Marty’s side again. They drive through town and we cut to Marty and Red working on things. Marty is mad Brady is dead and the fireworks got cancelled. Marty is sad and Red says the guy killed his best friend, drove his girlfriend away and cancelled the carnival*

W: Yeah, inconvenient wolf.

 

*Red unveils a Silver Bullet motorcycle. Its for Marty*

W: Wish my uncle made me a motorcycle like that.

 

*Red tells Marty the coast is clear and sends Marty off*

W: I thought he couldn’t use his legs.

A: I think he steers with the handlebars.

W: Oh okay.

 

*Marty rides through town on the new Silver Bullet*

W: Nice montage.

A: Hmmm.

 

*Marty rides back home and Red is on the ground. Red says don’t tell Nan how fast it goes or she’ll kill him. He says to be careful because if Marty gets hurt, it’ll hurt him too. Red meets Garbanzo, Jane’s friend and leaves with Marty after the family bbq. Red hands a bunch of fireworks to Marty, including a rocket*

W: Let me guess, he’s gonna use all that against the wolf.

 

*Red says watch out for the werewolf and leaves*

W: How did he know its a werewolf?

 

*Marty sneaks out of the house to go for a ride on Silver Bullet*

A: Kid’s got great upper body strength to get out of the house without his legs.

 

*Marty lights fireworks on the footbridge. The wolf stalks him*

W: Wouldn’t be much of a story if he got killed, also proves Marty isn’t the wolf.

 

*The wolf approaches and Marty shoots him in the eye with the rocket*

A: Nice shot.

W: I called it.

 

*Marty speeds back home*

W: Nice 80’s chase soundtrack.

 

*Marty climbs back to his room as Red’s phone ring in the morning. Marty tells Red there’s a wolf but Red doesn’t believe him. Jane finds Marty distraught and as old Jane’s voice says she believed Marty that there was a killer werewolf*

W: Is the narrator really necessary?

 

*Jane’s mission was to find a man or woman with an injured eye around town*

W: Good detective work.

 

*Jane inspects Mr. McLaren and Andy, they’re uninjured. Jane says she should have known Andy was full of crap. Jane talks with Lowe as his back is turned and he’s the one with the injured eye*

W: That explains the dreams.

 

*Lowe’s garage is full of tons of empty bottles and cans*

W: What’s he need all that crap for?

 

*Jane goes through the empties and find Owen’s broken bat. Lowe walks up and Jane notices his eye bandaged. He says she’s trembling and Jane says she has to go. Lowe says give his best to Marty*

W: I told you he always plays weirdo.

 

*Jane believes Marty now and says Lowe is the wolf. She asks what they can do since grownups won’t believe them*

W: The Ice Cream Man Police would believe them,

 

*Marty’s idea is to make a threatening letter out of newspaper clippings and send it to Lowe*

W: Ha, the serial killer method.

 

*Jane says they threatened Lowe all week then told Red who doesn’t believe either of them. Red takes them to see Lowe from a distance and Red says he expects delusion from Marty but not Jane. Jane says she doesn’t know what Marty saw but she saw the broken bat and the place smelled like an animal. Marty watches kids play ball*

W: Random lamenting scene.

 

*Lowe stalks Marty on Silver Bullet and gun it after him*

A: *Hums the Jaws theme*

W: Hahahaha.

 

*Lowe hits the gas*

W: Look at this image, an eye patch wearing Reverend.

 

*Lowe sideswipes Marty on the bridge. He goes to run him over but Marty rides out of the way. He rides off and Lowe chases him. Marty is running out of gas*

W: Well he can’t really do much in broad daylight.

 

*Marty drives into the broken bridge and runs out of gas*

W: Now he’s fucked.

 

*Lowe says he can’t kill himself because its against his religion. He says he killed Stella so he could save her eternal soul. Lowe calls him a little shit and says he’s gonna have a terrible accident. Marty spots Mr. Zinnerman and cries out for help. Lowe runs off and we cut to Red, Jane and Marty. Red says being run off the road by Lowe sounds more believable than him as a werewolf. Jane says Lowe drives a blue car and Silver has blue car paint on it*

W: Reds starting to come around.

 

*Red tells Joe the story and Joe doesn’t believe it. Red himself doesn’t know what to believe but Lowe needs to be checked out. Joe lights a cigarette and heads for the church*

W: 18 minutes left.

 

*Joe checks out the garage and finds Lowe’s car and spots Silver’s paint on it*

W: Well they can’t get him for being a werewolf but there’s your proof he tried to run Marty off the road.

 

*Lowe in human form pops up and Joe says to come with him. Lowe says its not his fault and knocks the gun out before turning into the wolf. He bashes Joe’s head in and finishes him off*

W: Oh that’s wonderful.

 

*Marty, Jane and Red are at the park and Marty says Joe is missing. Marty takes his necklace off and tells Red to make a silver bullet. Red still isn’t convinced and Jane says she has no idea how Lowe became a wolf and he probably doesn’t either. Marty says Lowe will wait until a full moon so he’s all monster, no human. Red says he’ll do it and wants a silver bullet. Jane’s voice narrates that the Gunsmith made a silver bullet out of her crucifix and Marty’s necklace. Marty says legends vary but silver kills a werewolf in every one. The bullet is finished and Red tries to downplay that its just a gag. Jane’s voice says that Halloween, Bob and Nan went on a trip to leave the kids behind with Red*

W: Time to finish this.

 

*Red tells Nan she’s gonna hurt her head popping in and out of the car*

A: Ha.

 

*Red admits he didn’t win the tickets for the trip, he bought them for Bob and Nan. They wait for Lowe to attack. Red says he’ll sit up but the others are going to bed. Jane screams that she saw the wolf but Marty missed it. Red says he’ll check it out and doesn’t see anything. He doesn’t believe her and takes the bullet out of the gun as Lowe cuts the power. Lowe attacks and Red is thrown up against the wall. The gun and the bullet are scattered. Red is thrown around*

A: Juke to his left.

 

*Marty loads the gun with the bullet and plugs the Wolf in the other eye. Lowe slowly turns human again as Red pops up okay. Red finally believes them as Lowe pops up only to die*

A: Oh wow.

W: Fooooled youuuuu

 

*Marty says “Don’t worry, he’s dead.”

A: Thanks for letting me know.

 

*Marty says he doesn’t think he can walk. He and Jane say they love each other*

Awwwww.

 

*Old Jane says “I love you too Marty, good night.” End credits*

A: What?

 

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 6, it’s not that bad. It was good.

The Warlock’s Assesment: I give it a 7, damn good. Good acting, good special effects, some big names in the cast. Easy to follow story.

Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very Good.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: That was a pretty good adaptation of the story. As always, Stephen King characters have a ton of depth but they’re better represented in the books. Still, this story was easy to follow and worth taking a look at. Gary Busey delivered the goods but he had help from the other cast members. It had one liners, it had blood, it had action. Not much to complain about in this one. When all is said and done can I recommend SILVER BULLET? Yes I can. Its nowhere near King’s best movie but its nowhere near his worst either. Definitely give this a watch if you can get your hands on it. That about wraps up another…

*before Warlock can finish, Mr. America puts on Ozzy Osbourne’s Bark At The Moon and turns it up*

A: HEYYYYYYYAHHHHHHH BARK AT THE MOON!

W: Now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

 

435. Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie (2014)

*The AVGN theme plays as The Warlock appears on screen. He’s wearing an AVGN t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass of Rolling Rock*

W: He’s gonna take you back to the past…

*Thug D is in the recliner wearing a matching AVGN t-shirt, black jeans, black sneakers and Oaklies shades*

D: To play the shitty games that suck ass…he’d rather haveeeeee

W: A Buffaloooooooo…..alright that’s enough. What can you say about the Angry Video Game Nerd apart from he’s one of the biggest internet successes of the past 20 years. Back in 2006, James Rolfe took the internet by storm with his over the top video game reviews and 8 years later made a full length feature film to cash in on his greatest creation. After teasing viewers for years that ET for the Atari 2600 was the worst game of all time, he finally would review it on the big screen. Think of Super Mario 3 being revealed in The Wizard.

D: Great analogy. This movie was a crowd funded independent novelty and it should be a lot of fun. Any one who’s a fan of the AVGN should watch this.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: So let’s get started with ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD: THE MOVIE.

 

Written and Directed by Kevin Finn and James Rolfe

 

Cast:

(There’s 445 people in the movie, not going to list them all)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “The AVGN must overcome his phobia of the worst video game in the world to save his fans.”

D: Sounds shitty.

 

*Opening credits*

D: This is almost 2 hours.

W: It better be good.

 

*Movie opens about Atari’s success. It all came to an end when ET was made in just 5 weeks. It was regarded as the worst game ever and Atari went bankrupt. 2 million copies of the game were buried in the New Mexico desert*

W: All of this is true.

 

*Cochrane Games is coming out with ET 2, with the premise its going to be worse than the original ET. Research says gamers are playing games they hate. She shows a picture of The Nerd saying he’s the reason why gamers play games they hate*

W: Hahahaha, nice picture.

 

*Nerd wakes up*

W: That’s probably his own actual bedroom.

D: He’s married with kids.

 

*Nerd says he grew up with vile crap. He reviews a game and is talked about on the internet. Everyone laughs at his jokes*

W: Who are these clowns?

D: Random people.

 

*Various fans are shown*

W: These are probably real fans too.

 

*Various fans want Nerd to review ET*

W: For years.

 

*Nerd plays Xenophobe*

W: Is that a real game?

D: I think so.

 

*Nerd continues to do reviews*

W: He almost cleaned out Mike.

 

*Cooper the camera guy is helping Nerd and Nerd says he usually films these on his own*

W: What?

 

*Nerd says nerds are supposed to have no physical fitness, no social interaction and no girls. They work at Gamecops and Nerd spots the ET 2 poster. “Holy mother of god!” Cooper says he should do ET now. Nerd says he’d rather suck dogshit out of ass fur*

W: Barf.

 

*Nerd says ET brings his piss to a boil. Some kid says he bought a game off ET with an atari game going in the background*

W: That’s Beat Em and Eat Em in the background.

D: What?? No way.

W: Yes, I know those sounds anywhere.

 

*John wants Nerd to wear a nametag that says Herb*

D: His name is Herb?

W: No.

 

*Nerd tells John not to display the new X-Box game. John pulls a gun and yells at him to sell the new games. Nerd leaves the office and some guy asks if he’d play the new game. Nerd says he’d rather have an anal evacuation. He makes the man laugh and says he has to buy it now. John is pleased as the man says ET 2 could be horrible. The man tells him to review ET and Cooper agrees. Cooper says the time is right and everyone in the store chants ET while doing a conga line*

W: Hahahah the conga line.

 

*Nerd asks why ET is so infamous and Cooper says because it was so bad that it got buried*

W: Which came first, the Atari landfill excavation for the Netflix special or this movie?

D: This.

 

*Cooper gets a call from Mandy, they go to a retro arcade*

W: Nice Asteroids machine.

 

*Nerd signs an autograph during a slo mo walk. Nerd gets a Rolling Rock at the bar*

W: I love how the story goes the only reason he used Rolling Rock in his reviews was because it was the only beer he had in the fridge at the time. He became the unofficial spokesman for it.

 

*Cooper makes Nerd sign a pair of breasts. Cooper says “She has big ass titties”

D: Hahahahaha

 

*Mandy meets Nerd and Cooper set this up. Mandy works for Cochrane Inc and shows him an ET 2 demo. Nerd pukes all over the laptop and Mandy. Mandy “So that’s a yes?”*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Cooper says do the new game and old one. Nerd says it caused him so much torment as a child and he’d retire before doing it. Cooper says he can be a shrimp boat captain. Cooper’s mom yells at him*

W: Ha.

 

*Nerd goes to bed. He dreams about Christmas as a young nerd and getting ET the game as a child*

W: Was he even born yet?

 

*Young Nerd plays ET and hates it*

W: Is that a bootleg copy?

D: Has to be.

 

*Nerd has a nightmare of being in the game than wakes up*

W: He was born in 1980, so he was indeed born.

 

*Nerd has another nightmare he’s attacked by ET 2 before waking up at the Atari Landfill. “They found it, I don’t know how but they found it” He screams “Noooo behind a chain link fence”

W: Ripped off T2 and BTTF.

 

*Its a carnival setting when zombies attack Nerd*

D: What are they supposed to be, people that want him to review the game?

W: Dead gamers.

 

*Zombie Cooper attacks Nerd and Nerd wakes up for real this time. Nerd says he has to save the fans*

W: What? We’re not gonna turn into zombies.

 

*Nerd uses Commodore dial up*

W: Oh good lord.

 

*Nerd logs into an MMO an finds Cooper. Nerd says they need to bury ET once and for all. Nerd says to meet outside now and Cooper says his mom is gonna kill him. Cooper sneaks out the window and falls to the ground*

W: Like Zacchaeus falling out of a tree.

D: Who?

 

*Nerd says they need to find the landfill. Nerd says Cooper is the manager and he needs to manage that. Nerd and Cooper have boxes of stuff when Mandy drives up in a van. Cochrane Inc is actually Cockburn Inc. Mandy says they got the excavation covered and Cooper says its a fair trade. Nerd says she doesn’t like having a girl along and Cooper says she’s their producer*

W: Riiiiight.

 

*Nerd has music covered. He pulls out a record player and plays a parody song*

D: I wonder if anyone ever tried to play records in the car.

 

*Cooper says he posted that Nerd will be covering ET 2. Mandy plays a game where she gets killed by Shitpickle*

W: Shitpickle! Picklepickleshitpickle.

 

*Mr. Cockburn says not to get too close to the nerds. Mandy says they’re just a couple of dorks*

W: What I like about this movie is they’re using random actors rather than regulars.

 

*Mandy, Cooper and Nerd find the landfill*

W: Is this song supposed to be a parody of Spaghetti Westerns or Baker Street?

D: I don’t know.

 

*3 guys with a metal detector are their excavation team due to budget cuts. Meanwhile the FBI thinks Nerd is looking for real aliens. The general says he’ll take care of this. The general goes to use a rocket launcher but the private says that’s excessive. General says he wants to be there “God damn terrorist alien hunters*

D: Hahahaha

 

*Cooper explains how the Earth is flat, Santa is real and there’s a god living under Mt. Fuji*

W: Okay, he lost me.

 

*The army shows up and everyone goes to scatter. Cooper says they don’t have a permit. Private shows up and interrogates them. Cooper says they’re video gamers. Mandy says don’t get your panties in a wad and Private says she doesn’t wear any. Cooper “Hotttttt” General blows his own arm off with a grenade as Mandy drives off with the Nerd and Cooper. Private is McButter and they chase Mandy’s van threw New Mexio. Male soldiers make fun of McButter*

W: That was stupid.

 

*2 guys hold glass and Mandy just misses them. One kid “Shit soup!”

W: Right out of his Back To The Future review.

 

*The ET cartridge is broke and Nerd isn’t sorry. Mandy says they’re near Roswell. Cooper is convinced the game is fixing itself and they need to find ET’s designer Howard Scott Warshaw. They go to his house and he shoots at them with a machine gun thinking they’re FBI*

D: Wonder if that’s really him.

W: It is.

 

*Howard warms up when he realizes they’re gamers, not cops. They walk inside to a primitive version of a NES dungeon theme. Nerd has to use game techniques to make it across the lava*

W: Soundtrack right out of Mega Man.

 

*Mandy and Cooper make it across too*

W: Love the Mario theme for making it.

 

*The man is Dr. Louis Zandor. Nerd says they’re in the wrong place because they’re looking for Howard. Zandor says many years ago he was working at Area 51. Nerd asks if anyone gets bored and Zandor hands him a Rolling Rock*

W: Hahahaha, more Rolling Rock.

 

*Zandor says a ufo crashed in 1947 in Roswell. The metal was similar to tin foil and they wanted him to rebuild the ship. He quit the project and was fired, he found retribution by teaming with Warshaw to get hidden messages out in his video games*

W: The hidden messages part is true, well not Roswell but still.

 

*Zandor says ET isn’t really a game so much as its a floorplan to Area 51. The real reason the games were buried was to conceal the floorplan. Zandor says he stole the pieces of alien metal and replaced it with tin foil*

W: Hahaha right out of Raiders.

 

*Zandor says his mission was to rescue the alien an Mandy says she’s cold. McButter, General and the FBI listen in. General wants Zandor arrested and the fence around the landfill built*

W: Its a dinky fence.

 

*General asks how the scientists are doing and they roll out a giant ball of tin foil. General “Fantastic”

D: This sucks.

 

*Zandor says they’re safe from the Men In Black*

W: Ha.

 

*Zandor says the part of the ET game where the radio parts are scattered was designed to throw off the real MIB. As they get ready for bed, Mandy sits with Nerd. Nerd hates the whole story and how this will encourage gamers to buy ET. Mandy says she knows how to lift his spirits and Zandor hears them playing World Class Track Meet with sexual innuendos*

W and D: Hahahahahahahaha

 

*Mandy and Nerd play with each other as Cooper looks in. We cut to Mandy getting a call from Mr. Cockburn saying they’re going to run a promotion at the landfill*

W: How much time is left in this?

D: An hour.

W: Damn.

 

*McButter and the troops are looking for Zandor’s house and the location keeps changing*

W: Like out of ET.

 

*McButter finds Mandy in the desert. She flips off McButter and she punches her. She wants her to take her to Zandor and Mandy says “Fine bitch.”

W: Uh oh.

 

*Cooper wakes up Nerd and says they can’t trust Mandy. She’s working for the government. Nerd says they’ll settle this like adults and go to find Mandy. Nerd can’t find her and Zandor says she’s not there. Cooper says her glasses weren’t real and Nerd believes her. Mandy drives Sgt McButter to a Dingleberry’s. The troops wants ice cream*

W: Ha.

 

*Cooper shows Nerd that the landfill is for real. Gamers from across the country flocked to the landfill for the convention. Stacy says he can’t wait for Nerd to show up*

D: I’m wondering if this is going to end with a legit review of ET.

W: It has to.

 

*Mr. Cockburn is there to sell ET 2. Zandor says the prophecy is almost fulfilled. Mandy takes them to Hoover Dam and takes a picture*

W: Hahaha

D: Stupid.

 

*Kyle Justin plays a song next to Mike Matei*

W: There they are. Wondering when they’d show up.

 

*Cooper and Nerd drive to the convention hosted by Cockburn. General watches on a camera as McButter says they’re in Vegas. She wants to shoot Mandy but the troops are playing the slots with her*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Nerd grabs a megaphone and says ET is bullshit and so is the legend. They can all go home. Pat The NES Punk says what are we gonna do now*

W: Heh, its Pat Contri.

D: I love the Punk.

 

*Cooper says let’s go home. Howard Scott Warshaw himself shows up*

D: I will say it wasn’t fair what happened to him.

 

*Howard asks how he can help. Nerd says to tell the crowd that the legend is not true. Howard tells the whole story about Zandor and points him out in the crowd. He tells the whole crowd that the landfill contains the treasure and Zandor’s friend. Warshaw tells Nerd the truth needs to be uncovered*

W: What a promo.

 

*Nerd says he can’t let this happen. Cooper says there’s nothing the Nerd can do to prove it isn’t true. Nerd says he’s breaking into Area 51 as Mandy calls McButter “butterface.” McButter calls her “flat butt.” McButter ties up Mandy and General says use her as a diversion. McButter calls Nerd and says come get Mandy, Nerd says he doesn’t care. Cooper says its a trap. McButter says they’re at the top of the mock Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas. Nerd doesn’t fall for it as General is shown the Nerd playing Top Gun*

W: And he misses.

D: Asssssssss

 

*Cooper is the “Super Rad Video Game Dude” General “He sucks”

W: Hahahahahaha

 

*Cooper says this isn’t worth it and doesn’t want to do this anymore. He shows Nerd all the ways they can die on this mission. Nerd is going to sneak his way in using a fake spaceship*

W: Ha, its got the Atari 5200 trackball controller on it.

 

*Cooper falls off the cliff but is unharmed*

W: Isn’t that the cliff from Bill and Ted?

 

*Somehow Nerd flies into Area 51. He’s knocked out and wakes up in a surgical room. Nerd thwarts the staff and uses one of the doctors for the retinal scan. It says “rectal scanner” and he uses the doc to open it*

W: Haha.

 

*Cooper is playing ET when Nerd walkies Cooper saying the game is for real. Cooper says to get out of there when Nerd is on Cooper’s screen. Nerd is taken hostage and wakes up tied to a recliner with an Atari 2600 next to him. General wheels in and says he’s caught up on Nerd’s work. General wants Nerd to play ET and he refuses. General wants to rid the world of this game and we cut to Mandy and McButter. Mandy calls her butch barbie*

W: Ha.

 

*General knows about the floorplan to Area 51. He wants Nerd to help bring in the games. McButter tells Mandy to bring her the old games and she’ll be a success. Nerd refuses and so does Mandy. General says he was behind the burial and bulldozing of the Atari games. General says Nerd’s weakness is he loves his fans and General says he’s going to blow them all up. Nerd says Zandor has the Dream Metal and General has nothing but tin foil. Cooper says he knows how to help Nerd. The real ET escapes*

W: Cooper’s playing the game.

 

*General says he’s going to blow up Mt. Fuji. A missile is shown*

W: That’s probably a pencil.

 

*General cuts his other arm off as ET shows up to rescue Nerd. ET calls Nerd heavy as we’re shown Tupac, Elvis and Michael Jackson still alive. Nerd puts the ET game in his pocket and runs. Killer robots chase him as General looks at the camera and says he wants Zandor alive*

D: Ha.

 

*Nerd uses the ET cartridge to open the door. He tries to shut it behind them but he shoots all the robots first. They find a jet and Nerd says he’ll fly it*

W: Hahaha the land the plane joke from the Top Gun review.

 

*Cooper says he’s going in as ET and Nerd chill in the jet. ET says he was looking for intelligent life on Earth and was trying to save the planet. Cooper gets a call from his mom and yells at her. ET says the Mt. Fuji death god is for real and humanity dies if he doesn’t stop him*

W: That’s Michelangelo’s voice from the Ninja Turtles movies.

D: Holy shit that’s awesome.

 

*Nerd says they need to find Zandor to stop the death god. General finds him first hanging out with hippies*

W: What’s with the hippies?

 

*Death God tears apart the Golden Gate bridge. ET tells Nerd they need to refuel. ET says the last time he tried to land a plane, he crashed into Roswell. Nerd counters with him landing the plane in Top Gun*

W and D: Hahaha

 

*Mandy and McButter fight*

D: This is overly sexual.

 

*Cooper finds the Death God attacking Area 51*

W: This turned into a Godzilla movie.

 

*Death God double middle fingers the Area 51 shoulders “Fuck youuuuuu”

W: Hahahaha

 

*Cooper’s van is picked up by Death God. He gets sucked into a vent as the van is blown up and set on fire*

W: That was a toy van getting set on fire.

 

*Mandy says she wanted to avoid being objectified in a cat fight*

W: Ha..ha…ha…

 

*Death God attacks Las Vegas as Mandy and McButter fight*

D: That’s funny.

 

*Robert and Lisa are getting married when Death God reaches Vegas. Nerd tries to land the plane Top Gun NES style…..when he ejects himself and ET*

W: Hahahahahahaa nice touch.

 

*Zandor celebrates Nerd releasing ET as the soldiers surround Nerd and ET. ET “Great, more guns, just what we needed.”

D: I wonder if this had a theatrical release. An Independent theater maybe?

W: Maybe.

 

*OMG Grand is destroyed*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Bullshit Man and Shitpickle are advertised. Glitch Gremlin appears when the billboard is trashed*

W: 3 references in one.

 

*Mandy knocks McButter into the Bellagio fountain, but she disappears*

D: That’s from Ninja Turtles 3 when Walker falls off the cliff and disappears.

 

*Death God uses a “chick magnet” to grab Mandy as Cooper apologizes. Meanwhile Zandor says the DreamMetal is inside the ET games. The ET games come out of the landfill on their own and ET is summoning them all. The ET game flies out of the consoles of Doug Walker and Lloyd Kauffman*

W: Ha, the real Walker and Kauffman.

D: I miss the Troma Films.

 

*The games form a ship and ET brings Nerd with him to the ship. A toy tank shoots at the ship then falls off the cliff. crashing and burning*

W: That’s one way to save budget, blow up a bunch of toys.

 

*Death God brings Mandy to safety before the planes attack him*

W: Ha, right out of King Kong.

 

*Mandy and Cooper jump but are rescued by ET and Nerd. Mandy “What the fuck is that thing?” ET “Nice to meet you too babe.” ET says Death God is so bored that something that’s never happened before could be the only thing could distract him. Nerd shoots a lazer that makes Death God return to his home planet*

W: Ohhhhkay.

 

*Nerd says he’s gotta review ET 2. He wants Mandy to do to the intro and she introduces him. Nerd appears in front of the crowd of fans. ET projects a screen and Cooper asks if they could play the old games without the cartridge. ET says the ship IS the cartridge. Nerd does his review and says its a knockoff of the failure. Nerd says to dump all the ET 2 games into the pit and everyone does it. Nerd grabs Cooper and Mandy and they all hug. Cooper kisses Mandy, Nerd “Damn”

W: Ha!

 

*Cooper’s Mom won big in Vegas and Cooper tells Nerd that the fans don’t need to protect them from bad games, they can protect themselves. ET hits the switch for Nerd to finally review the original ET*

W: Here we go. 10 years later.

 

*Nerd grabs the Atari controller as the crowd cheers. The credits roll*

W: Hahahaha psyched.

 

*Nerd does the review during the credits. He says you need the manual to play the game*

D: Yeah really.

 

*Nerd explains how to avoid the FBI guys*

W: As bad as the game is, knowing what you’re supposed to be doing helps big time.

 

*The End*

W: That was awesome.

 

 

Thug D’s Assessment: This is cool for an independent movie, doesn’t make a lick of sense. I give it a 7.5. I had a great time watching  it.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it an 8. It was different than what Doug Walker was doing. James had his buddies as cameos but had real actors for the roles. Instead of ripping off a Family Gyuy episode, he wrote his own demented script based on everyone wanting him to review ET for years. For any hater of his, the man got to work with childhood heroes such as the voice of Michelangelo and Lloyd Kauffman. Let’s see the haters do that.

Final Grade: 7.5 out of 10 – Great

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: Well that was the AVGN movie and that was a lot of fun. If you’re looking for an actual, Citizen Kane style movie then forget about it. If you want to shut your brain off for two hours and enjoy AVGN content, by all means this is the movie for you. AVGN Movie is packed full of cameos and references to the many works of James Rolfe if you look hard enough. You can’t treat it as a Hollywood production because it wasn’t. All in all if you’re an AVGN fan, you’re gonna love it. If not, you may like it anyway for its over the top nonsense. That about wraps up another weirdtastic adventure. Now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

434. Bus Riley’s Back in Town (1965)

*Mr. America runs down the street knocking various people over. He’s wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

A: OUT OF THE DAMN WAY!

*America bowls over a kid on a bike, an old lady with a walker and a woman jogging*

A: MOVE IT OR LOSE IT SISTER1

*America shoulderblocks Darnell The Delivery Guy into his mail truck and plows through some little kid’s snowman and makes the kid cry*

A: Ah well that shouldn’t have been there!

*America bolts into the lair as Warlock is startled on the couch*

W: Hey hey, settle down. The hell?

*America slumps over to catch his breath*

A: You…told…me…you…had…an….*coughs* Ann Margret movie.

W: Wait, did you run from The Base all the way here? Why didn’t you take the panzer?

A: *Coughs* Ann Margret….ANN MARGRET!

W: Alright, alright…here.

*Warlock tosses America a DVD box*

A: BUS RILEY’S BACK IN TOWN? What’s this about.

W: That’s the thing, I don’t really know. I just know Ann Margret is in it.

*America runs to put the DVD in and jumps into the recliner*

W: So without further adieu its time for BUS RILEY’S BACK IN TOWN.

 

 

Written by William Inge

Directed by Harvey Hart

 

Cast:

Laurel (Ann Margret)

Bus Riley (Michael Parks)

Judy (Janet Margolin)

Slocum (Brad Dexter)

Mrs. Riley (Joceyln Brando)

Howie (Larry Storch)

Spencer (Crahan Denton)

Gussie (Kim Darby)

Carlotta (Brett Somers)

Paula (Mimsy Farmer)

Mrs. Nichols (Nan Martin)

Joy (Lisabeth Hush)

Mrs. Spencer (Ethel Griffies)

Housewife (Alice Pearce)

Benii (Chet Stratton)

Stretch (David Carradine)

Egg Foo (Marc Cavell)

Jules Griswald (Parley Baer)

Les (James Doohan)

Bartender (William Hudson)

Simmons (Maurice Manson)

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “A young sailor returns home to discover his girl has married an older, wealthy man.”

A: Well, sucks for him.

 

*Movie opens with Bus Riley getting off a bus*

W: That’s Michael Parks

A: Really? I though it was John Doe.

W: Heh, guess that’s why they call him Bus Riley.

A: I’m gonna throw something at you.

 

*Riley bangs on the door of his own house as the credits roll*

W: David Carradine, Kim Darby and Brett Somers.

 

*Mrs. Riley welcomes Bus in as a girl in a skirt bends over*

W: I’m gonna…

A: Do nothing.

 

*Bus is passed out on the couch as the girl sneaks up on him*

W: She has evil intentions.

 

*Gussie wakes Bus up*

W: Bus and Gus? Who named these clowns?

A: Good question.

 

*Gussie says Bus has a tattoo and wants one herself. She asks if she can get one and Mrs. Riley says no. Gus is woken up by Judy and he answers the door in his underwear. Paula is at the table with Gussie and Stu rings a bell to wake Bus. Paula apologizes and leaves. Gussie says Bus is better than Rock Hudson and Cary Grant*

W: But not Clark Gable.

 

*Gussie kisses up on Bus and says she’s as pretty as Paula*

W: Is this a boarding house?

 

*Bus has a present for Gussie as Judy leaves. Mrs. Riley says if he never makes another friend in the world, Gussie makes up for it*

W: Ha.

 

*Gussie always wanted a camera and the present is one. Bus says he got it in Tokyo. She cries happy*

W: He’s got a friend for life.

 

*Bus says he’s gotta take a shower and Mrs. Riley tells her to skip school to get sausages for Bus. Judy will go with her and says he’s gorgeous*

W: So if he doesn’t end up with Ann Margret, he’s gonna end up with one of them.

 

*Bus turns the shower on and we cut to Laurel in bed*

W: There’s your girl. Imagine waking up to that.

A: Way ahead of you.

 

*Laurel is wide awake but was pretending to sleep*

A: I swear to god that violin was out of Phantom of The Opera.

 

*Bus tells Mrs. Riley that the mortician Dr. Spencer wants to hire him as an apprentice*

W: The undertaker.

A: I don’t know how much he’d be working with the dead, they’re already dead.

 

*Bus wants a job that demands respect and Mrs. Riley says a mechanic sounds better*

W: He still wants Laurel.

 

*Mrs. Riley tells him that Laurel married an older, wealthy man*

W: Oh shit she’s a gold digga…just goes to showwwww

 

*Laurel plays cards with wealthy wives, she has no idea how to play Hearts. The bartenders say Bus Riley is back and Laurel hears it. We cut to Bus working on a car and Laurel drives around looking for him*

W: Found him.

 

*Bus gets the car going and Laurel bites her finger*

W: Puppy eyes.

 

*Bus drives his new car*

W: And the muffler falls off.

 

*Laurel plows into Bus*

A: No, she literally rams him to get his attention.

 

*Bus laments her hitting her car and they’re both happy to see each other*

W: Their lines are looped in.

 

*Bus refuses to get coffee with her and says he’ll see her around. He drives to the Mortuary*

W: Get stiff amongst the stiffs.

 

*Some old lady tells Bus to shhhh*

W: He wasn’t even talking.

 

*Spencer greets Bus and Bus wants a job. Spencer says he’d send Bus to night school for a year to learn the trade. Bus says he’ll work hard and not let him down. Spencer says he’ll go to Night School, work during the day and move in. Spencer says he’s lonely and starts crying*

W: Ohhh yeah, his wife just died.

 

*Bus hits up the bar and greets Howie. Laurel called and says to call her insurance and Bus says he’s been gone three years. It feels different*

W: When was this supposed to be set?

 

*Wallace Slocum offers Bus a job and come see him at his office. Wallace says he’s not offering a job, but a future*

W: Let me guess, that’s the husband.

 

*Howie says he’s a local big shot as we cut to Gussie and Judy talking. They return home but Judy’s mother is watching a soap opera about a navy sailor*

W: Hahahaha wasn’t that Elvis?

 

*Judy’s mother is plastered and can barely walk around*

W: Good god.

 

*Slocum wants Bus to be a door to door salesman*

W: He wants him to be a salesman??

 

*Slocum says the housewife is a lonely woman*

A: Try saying that in today’s culture.

W: Ha!

 

*Slocum says he expects big things from Bus. We cut to Simmons telling Laurel that her husband won’t be back for a few days. Laurel wants to go out because she’s bored. We cut to Bus going home and saying he has a job. Carlotta complains that she has a headache as Bus says he’s not going to be a mortician. Mrs. Riley tells Bus to beware of Carlotta*

W: That’s Brett Somers? She was like 40 and they’re making her out to be elderly.

 

*Bus got a call while he was in the shower and Paula says its Laurel. She scoffs at Laurel and Bus yells at her to shut up. Bus and his friends hit up the bar where Howie is bartending*

W: Are we gonna see Ann Margret dance?

A: Yeah.

 

*Bus’ friend is Stretch*

W: David Carradine.

 

*Laurel puts a song on the jukebox and Bus spots her. She slowly walks toward Bus*

A: Tamest dance we’ve seen yet from her.

W: I like this song.

 

*Bus gets up and leaves, later Laurel drives up and Bus scoffs at her. Laurel says that wasn’t her boyfriend and to get in. Bus says no and she drives off*

W: What is his problem?

 

*Some guy walks by*

W: Look out its a mugger!

A: Yeah right.

 

*Bus walks right into Laurel*

W: Found him.

 

*Bus asks what she wants and she says just to talk, no making passes*

A: I don’t believe you.

W: This movie is curing insomnia right now.

 

*Laurel takes Bus to their meeting spot and says he was the scrawniest lifeguard there. They both say the other filled out and Laurel wishes she saw him in his sailor’s suit and he says he wishes he saw her in her bridal gown. Bus asks what she wants and she says she did it for him. Its revealed that her father wanted to put Bus in jail and he joined the Navy to get away. He came home to make something of himself. Laurel wants Bus to take her home because she’s lovely*

W: Should have thought of that before she married that guy.

 

*Bus drives Laurel home in her car. By the pool Laurel says she wants to see him turned on and he says he got over her. She bets he hasn’t*

W: How do you intend to prove that?

 

*Laurel says if he kissed her once, he’d be just as hooked as he ever was. He goes to kiss her then stops and asks if her husband ever gives her kisses. She bites his hand and dives in the pool*

W: This just got interesting.

 

*Bus takes his clothes off and dives in. They fool around in the pool*

W: Take her dress off.

A: How to end a movie…she dies of accidental drowning. Then part 2 is Bus Goes To Jail.

W: Just like Ernest. He goes to a lot of places.

A: He’s very active.

 

*The Atomic Method van is shown*

A: If this was set during the cold war era, I don’t think having something with the name atomic in the shape of a bomb is the best idea.

 

*Slocum and Bus con their way into a housewife’s house. Slocum says most house deaths are caused by bacteria*

A: He’s really trying to sell her hard on this. The thing looks like a nuke.

W: Its not a vacuum, its a real nuke.

 

*Slocum explains how the method works. By himself, the housewife hits on him*

W: They’re really putting over the fact that housewives are very horny.

 

*Joy says Gemini’s are awful scares*

W: Fuck you lady.

 

*Joy hits on Bus and wants him to kiss her. They kiss*

W: There ya go.

 

*Bus tries to sell the Method to another housewife. She’s lonely and horny too*

W: Good grief.

 

*The woman is Judy’s mother and Judy’s mortified when she walks in. Bus apologizes and tries to calm Judy down*

A: Zzzzzzzzz

W: Yeah really.

 

*Laurel tries to play with a cat but the cat doesn’t move. Bus walks in and Laurel looks at him seductively on the floor. Bus asks where the husband is and Laurel says in the middle east looking at oil wells. Bus says her room is like a cage and she crawls toward him*

W: Why is he resisting her?

A: I don’t know.

W: Half hour left, I can see the light at the end of this tunnel.

 

*Laurel and Bus kiss as we cut to Judy’s house smoking. Judy can’t get her mother’s attention and calls the fire department. Bus goes to use the bathroom and walks in on Carlotta. Next morning Carlotta bitches about Bus and says she’s gonna have a nervous breakdown*

W: She’s the only one in the movie that DOESN’T want to jump Bus’ bones.

 

*Gussie is happy Carlotta is gone as Judy walks in with a suitcase. Her house burnt down and her mother is dead. She was smoking in bed and passed out*

W: Well this movie just went south.

 

*Bus walks downstairs and sees everyone sad. We cut to the end of the memorial service for Judy’s mother. We cut to Judy and Bus talking, Judy asks if life is about love and hating*

A: Zzzzzz

W: Yeah, me too.

 

*Bus gives his life story to Judy*

W: 25 minutes left, this is torture.

 

*We cut to Laurel acting seductive in front of Bus*

W: Okay this just got better.

 

*Bus turns away and Laurel shuts the music off*

A: That ended quickly.

 

*Bus doesn’t think he’s much of a man. She says he’s definitely a man. Bus says they’r thinking of two different things. Laurel kisses up on him*

W: Stop resisting.

 

*Bus wants kids, family and a home and Laurel says she’d give him that if she could so get off of it. Bus says he’s leaving and Laurel figures out he’s got another girl. Bus tells her to never call him again and she pouts like a child*

W: Why is he resisting her?

A: You got me.

 

*Judy says she’s being sent to live with her father because he’s next of kin. She could only stay if she quit school and got a job. Gussie says marry Bus and he happens to walk in. Gussie kisses up on him and Bus says he’s been riding around looking at scenery. He wants to take them for a ride and Gussie says she’ll stay home*

W: Oh I see.

 

*Bus goes off with Judy. She’s only 17*

W: Edge of 17….she’s 22 by the way.

A: Zzzzzzzz

 

*Judy says she’s the nicest man she’s ever met. They kiss and he thanks her*

W: He’s turning down Ann Margret for her?

 

*Laurel wants to get Bus a job as a male model. Les tells Jules Griswald inherited a lot of money years a go. Meanwhile Bus is back at the mechanic shop*

W: I thought he was a mortician vacuum salesman. By the way that’s Scotty from Star Trek.

A: Zzzzzzzzz

 

*Bus picks up Laurel and her husband. We cut to Bus sending Judy off on the plane*

W: Won’t see her no more.

 

*Paula has a date with Larry O’Brien because Stu says they were too young to go steady. Paula says Bus doesn’t make deliveries, he stays with “that floozie” all night. Bus pops up and says “damn you Paula.” Paula tells Gussie he’s been bossing her long enough. Outside Mrs. Riley says not to let Paula upset him*

W: We’re almost to the end.

A: Thank god.

 

*Bus visits Laurel*

W: Gonna make a move or not?

A: I don’t think so.

 

*Bus tries to talk to her but she blows him off. He knocks the lipstick out of her hand and accuses her of never wanting to marry him and she lied about her father not letting her. Laurel says she did want to marry her but it wouldn’t have worked out between them, She says to come back at midnight*

W: Make a move.

 

*Bus tells her he doesn’t love her. She says its not true and he says its true. He used to love her and explains why*

W: Oh good lord….make this stop.

 

*Bus says he’s leaving and never coming back. He can’t respect the watch she gave him and she says she’ll kill herself if she leaves. He doesn’t believe her and she says she hates him. He says he feels sorry for her and leaves*

W: Who’s he gonna end up with? The other girls gone.

 

*Laurel’s husband walks in and asks who he is. Bus says he’s just leaving as Mr Griswald puts him over for fixing his car. Bus says yes he’s a great mechanic and leaves with a spring in his step*

W: What the hell is going on? Is he gay? Is that why he didn’t want her???

 

*Bus blows off Paula and Larry and she asks if he’s okay. He says things are fine and they hug. He tells them to have a good time and don’t stay out too late*

W: What is going on? Make this stoppppppp.

 

*Mrs. Riley asks Bus what he’s up to. Bus says he’s been thinking about getting his tattoo removed He hugs Mrs. Riley as Gussie smiles. He wants coffee and a good talk. The End*

W: Good….fucking…god….what the HELL was that?

A: Told you.

W: What…..the fuck…..

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4. Ann Margret looks great but this was her weakest performance.

The Warlock’s Assessment: Wow, you rated a movie higher than I did. I give it a 3.5, that was god awful. This guy doesn’t know what the fuck he wants in life. He kisses Judy and says she’s too young, he kisses Laurel and says he can’t go after taken women, kisses that housewife and nothing comes out of it. This was seriously stupid.

Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10 – Abysmal.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: That was AWFUL, seriously. Ann Margret’s looks couldn’t save this one and it didn’t have other good characters or a decent plot like her other movies. Its a shame because Michael Parks, Ann Margret, James Doohan, Brett Somers and Kim Darby all went on to do better things. To have a cast this good with a script that’s this bad is almost criminal. This was almost a waste of time and I’m sorry for putting you through that.

A: You’re sorry? YOU’RE SORRY?

*People start pounding on the door*

W: The hell is that?

A: I nearly took out half the town trying to get here to watch this movie and THAT’S what we got?

*Warlock hears Darnell The Delivery Guy shout invectives as well as the old lady and the kid with the snowman*

W: You may want to run out the back.

A: CHARGE!!!

*America runs out the back door as the crowd follows him*

W: Now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

433. Sidekicks (1992)

*The Warlock pulls up to Thug D’s Palace in Christine. He’s wearing a RATT t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He sprints inside and heaves a big box at Thug D*

Thug D: Hey what the…

*Warlock holds his hand out to stop the box before it connects*

W: Gotcha.

D: Yeah real funny.

W: Merry Christmas.

D: Yeah, same to you.

*D tosses Warlock his present and Warlock opens it*

W: Woah….is this what I think it is?

D: Yup, that’s SIDEKICKS.

W: The Chuck Norris movie?

D: That’s the one.

W: Guess we know what we’re watching today.

D: If you want.

*Warlock takes his seat on the couch*

W: Welcome to Thug D’s Palace for a special movie compliments of Thug D. In 1992 a Karate Kid spoof came out starring Jonathan Brandis as a daydreaming teen who wants nothing more than to be Chuck Norris’ sidekick.

D: Sounds…sad.

W: It does. But let’s see how this plays out and start SIDEKICKS.

 

Written by Lou Illar and Donald G Thompson

Directed by Aaron Norris

 

Cast:

Chuck Norris (Himself)

Jerry Gabrewski (Beau Bridges)

Barry Gabrewski (Jonathan Brandis)

Mr. Lee (Mako)

Noreen Chan (Julia Nickson-Soul)

Kelly Stone (Joe Piscopo)

Lauren (Danica McKellar)

Randy Cellini (John Buchanan)

Horn (Richard Moll)

Mapes (Gerrit Graham)

Hank (Dennis Burkley)

Man with Dog (Dennis Letts)

Female Student (Christy Martin)

David Born (Businessman)

Old Chinese Man (Lawrence Joe)

Dr. Millard (Keefe Millard)

Lauren’s Mother (Donna Reese)

Lauren’s Brother (James McIngvale)

Registrar (Dave Cox)

Guard (Tom Abbott)

Announcers (Jim Pruett, Mark Stevens)

Referee (Henry Holmes)

Cowboys (Gary and Don Pike)

Bartender (Wally Rose)

Bikers (Dean Ferrandini, Rick Prieto, David Saunders, Joe Todd Walker, Eric Norris)

Women’s Kata Champion (Malia Bernal)

Ed Young (Himself)

George Minshew (Himself)

Allen Steen (Himself)

Bob Wall (Himself)

Wheelchair Boy (Bert Dedman)

Gang Members (Joseph Curdy, Alan Martin)

Extras (Jedidiah Esparza, William E Johnson 3rd)

Chuck Kelley (Himself)

Female Ninja (Samantha Lloyd)

Classmate (Heidi Van Horne)

Karate Student (Willie Wright)

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “A bullied teen who fantasizes about being Chuck Norris’ sidekick trains in martial arts to fulfill his dreams.”

D: Interesting

 

*Opening credits*

W: Aaron Norris, was that his brother?

D: I believe so, I love the nunchuck scene.

 

*Movie opens with samurai walking around*

W: Reminds me of Bruce Lee’s dream scene sequence in Dragon.

 

*Woman is all tied up*

W: Princess Kitana got captured again.

 

*Woman is about to be executed by a samurai when a ninja all in white saves the day and kicks the bad guy into the fire. Chuck Norris “Hi guys, I’ll be right back”

W: Oh god.

 

*Chuck Norris fight ninjas*

W: As Mr. America would say, the Chuck Norris School For Bad Guys. Attack one by one.

D: These were the guys that didn’t make the Ninja Turtles audition.

 

*Barry jumps in as another white ninja and saves the woman before kicking a bunch of them away*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Chuck thank Barry for his help. Barry “That’s what sidekicks are for. All you gotta do is ask.” Barry wakes up from his dream sequence with the kids making fun of him. Lauren tells the others to shut up*

W: Hey Winnie.

 

*The teacher is the woman he saved in his dream, its Mrs. Chan. She says she and his dad need to have a talk*

W: Uh oh.

 

*Jerry is Barry’s father and he meets with Mrs. Chan*

D: There’s the damn boom mic. That’s an Ed Wood mistake.

 

*Jerry blames himself for Barry’s hard times. Jerry says he works long hours and they’ve been through a lot. Jerry knows Barry has daydreams of being Chuck Norris’ sidekick. Jerry wants to sign up Barry with Kelly Stone’s karate school. Kelly yells at Jerry*

D: I love how he plays it so obnoxious.

 

*Barry and Jerry meet Kelly one on one. Barry’s asthma acts up as Kelly puts himself over. Barry says he’s almost as good as Chuck Norris*

D: Uh oh.

 

*Kelly says Chuck doesn’t compete anymore because of him. Kelly “I would kick his ASS!”

D: Hahahaha

W: I’ve heard of hammy acting but that’s ham, cheese and sausage acting.

D: I guarantee nobody had a better physique than Joe Piscopo on SNL.

 

*Barry has a daydream that Kelly in Yellow-Face is about to blow up Mrs. Chan. Kelly makes facial motions and says “I blow you up now”

W: Hahahahahaahaha

D: I love how its Looney Tunes mixed with Chuck Norris.

 

*Chuck Norris and Barry pop up out of the water and save the day*

W: Hahahahaha Joe Piscopo is hilarious.

 

*Jerry turns the TV off on Barry*

D: There’s the microphone again.

 

*Jerry says Barry needs 8 hours of sleep*

W: 8 hours? I was lucky to get 7 in the Monday Night Raw days.

 

*Eugene buddies up to Mrs. Chan*

W: He was awesome in Used Cars.

 

*Mapes says Barry is hopeless and Chan says he’s a dreamer. Barry has another dream*

D: Normally I have a dream of a helicopter flown by big titty women, this kid has dreams of helping Chuck Norris.

W: Oh good lord.

D: Kids gonna have a heart attack by the age of 18.

 

*Chan wakes up Barry who claims he had a charlie horse. Chan wants Jerry and Barry to meet her uncle Mr. Lee. Barry says nobody likes him, why would Mr. Lee? We cut to a racist white man telling Mr. Lee to tell another man to put the cigar out. Mr. Lee does a magic trick to set the man on fire*

W: That was cool.

 

*Chan shows Jerry how to use chopsticks*

D: I always wondered what the point of using sticks was.

W: I assume before they invented steel, they used wood.

 

*Chan gives her backstory to Jerry. Lee throws dough at Barry*

W: So instead of Mr. Miyagi as a maintenance man we get the fry cook.

 

*Mr. Lee “Misterrrrrrrr Dumpling! Smashes fists with his own face”

W: Hahahahahahaha

 

*Jerry “I married the first girl I took out, she died 10 years ago”

D: That sucks.

 

*Chan says if Mr. Lee doesn’t behave, she’ll break his arm. Mr. Lee says Barry will walk to school from now on. Meanwhile a biker gang terrorizes Jerry*

W: What the hell is with these guys?

 

*Hank is the lead biker*

W: Brett the Bum’s brother.

 

*Hank throws a bottle at the door and Mr. Lee comes out acting stereotypical then 3 Stooges Style beats up the bikers*

W and D: Hahahahahahahha

 

*Jerry hides under the table as Mr. Lee beats up Hank and the bikers. Mr. Lee “These gentlemen only believed what I appeared to be. Lesson number 2, believe what you see, not what you think.” Lee makes Barry walk to school and he talks to himself along the way*

W: He daydreams so much Doug Funnie is telling him to tone it down.

 

*Barry daydreams he’s in Vietnam before falling down in front of Lauren’s house. Lauren tells him to hurry because class starts in 10 minutes. Lauren leans out the window and asks if he wants a ride. He says no, he wants to jack his heart rate up*

W: Yeah, as he drops dead.

 

*Randy Celllini makes fun of Mapes class*

W: What’s with the college class setting?

 

*Randy says Yurick is from the bible. Barry says Yurick is from Hamlet and Mapes laughs and says Randy is losing competition in the dumbbell competition*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Randy and 7 of his gang jump Barry and Randy puts his foot on his chest saying he’s Kelly’s top student, he’d kick his ass and Lauren doesn’t like him before ripping up Barry’s magazine*

D: I wonder what these kids would to to kids with cancer.

W: There’s like 7 of them, hard to look like a tough guy when its 8 on 1.

 

*Barry daydreams in gym class that he’s in a Western with Chuck Norris. Chan is the barmaid and Kelly is the villain. Barry and Chuck order milk, the bar laughs at him. Kelly hits on Chan and Barry tells Kelly to leave her alone. They prepare for the showdown as the others call Chuck “Lonewolf”

W: Hahahahaha Lonewolf McQuaid.

 

*Barry outdraws Kelly and bitchslaps him. Barry is woke by the gym teacher Mr. Horn*

D: This kid hung himself in real life.

W: Oh shit you’re right.

 

*Barry is forced to climb the rope by Mr. Horn. Lauren says he can do it as the whole class makes fun of him*

D: Wow, having asthma in this town is like a Scarlett Letter.

W: We thought we had it bad….yeesh.

 

*Barry envisions Chuck Norris coaching him climb the rope. Mr. Horn “Well I’ll be.*

W: Ha, that was funny.

 

*Lauren says Barry’s father should complain about Horn. Barry says his father is a computer tech from Pittsburgh. Barry tells Lauren he really likes her and she says she likes him too. Barry asks her out*

W: Uh oh.

 

*Lauren says she doesn’t like him like that. She pitys him and Barry runs off crying that Randy was right*

W: REJECTED!

 

*Barry runs off coughing. He freaks out and says “I will beat you” to his inhaler*

W: If he really had asthma, he’d be dead.

 

*Barry daydreams Mr Horn has him and Chuck Norris prisoner*

W: This is reaching Ralphie from A Christmas Story levels of day dreaming. Gotta love Richard Moll as the fake heel here. Evil Bull.

 

*Barry wakes up in an ambulance with Jerry saying everything will be okay. His doctor says he’s going to be okay. Chan and Lee visit Barry and Lee goes to cure Barry’s asthma*

W: He’d be a billionaire if he could cure asthma.

 

*Lee tells him to breathe*

W: That would be funny if he flatlined. Jerry would chase Lee halfway down main street.

 

*80’s sounding music plays as Lee trains Barry*

W: Oh boy, 80’s butt rock.

 

*Barry jogs around*

W: My sister can run faster than that.

 

*Lee continues to train Barry. Barry can’t break wood but can do pullups at the restaurant. Barry says he never felt better and Lee says he lies as well as he runs*

W: Good idea.

 

*Barry drinks a special potion and Lee and Chan send him home*

D: The best remedies taste like ass.

W: Yeah, like apple cider vinegar. Tastes like shit but kills acid reflux.

 

*Barry jogs to school as we’re back in the gym. Mr. Horn tells him to sit in the bleachers and Barry says no. Randy makes fun of Barry and Horn tells him to take 20 laps*

D: 20 laps?? That’s outrageous even for that dick.

W: Keeps him in shape.

 

*Barry insists he can do pushups and Horn says if he drops dead, he’ll shoot himself and fall on him*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Lee hands Barry nunchucks and says be careful, if he makes a mistake he’ll feel it. Barry hits himself in the junk*

W: Ohhhhhhowhowowow!!

D: What did he do?

 

*Chan practices kata in front of Jerry, Barry and Lee. Jerry says that’s amazing. Barry and Lee go off to run and Chan says Jerry can do what she does*

W: Love plot forming.

D: She has a phenomenal body.

 

*Barry asks Lee if he dreams. Lee says he knows about Barry’s obsession with Chuck Norris. Back to training, Barry begins to show signs of life*

W: He’s like “Ow, ow, hey.”

D: He kicks harder than Daniel-San.

 

*Randy’s gang watches cheerleader practice. Barry walks in and they make fun of him. He says up yours and Randy attacks him from behind. Barry fights back but Randy is better. Mr. Horn breaks up the fight and says to hit the showers. Randy says this isn’t over by a longshot. Horn tells Barry “Not bad kid, not bad at all” Lauren says she can’t believe it and Barry says he can’t either. Lauren asks him out*

W: Oh yeah, that would never happen.

D: She’s never seen him defend himself.

W: Still, he has to beat up kids to impress her?

 

*Barry dreams that he and Chuck have to save Chan from Kelly and Randy*

W: I keep noticing that he keeps dreaming about saving the teacher, not the girl he likes.

 

*Kelly pretends to conduct an orchestra of poison in candy*

W: Reminds me of Batman where Jack Nicholsen takes over Axis Chemicals.

 

*Barry and Chuck Norris save the day. Barry pulls out a bazooka*

W: Hahahaha the bazooka.

 

*Barry fires it and takes out the crooks*

W: Is that a midget?

D: I think so.

 

*Kelly is gooped to the ceiling. “I’ll hang around up here until they leave.”

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Barry rescues Chan but instead its Lauren. Chuck asks where Noreen is and Barry says its his dream*

W: Hahaha I was waiting for that.

 

*Next day Randy hands Barry a brochure and says if he wants to prove himself, he’d enter a team martial arts competition. At the zoo Barry is with Chan, Lee and Lauren. Barry says he doesn’t know what he should do and Lee says when all things are right, on that day the turtles will dance*

W: The turtles will dance.

 

*Lauren “Come take a look at this”

D: Its my boobs.

W: This would have shattered box office records if Danica McKellar went topless…only problem was she was only 17 here.

 

*Barry breaks concrete as Lee plays cards with a bunch of women*

W: Hahaha he’s a ladies man in every movie.

 

*We cut to the Texas Open Team Karate Championships*

D: The one thing I don’t like about this movie is Randy and Barry don’t fight.

W: I know, its like Randy challenging him to a clam bake.

 

*Chan tries to enter herself, Lee and Barry but the judge says its a four person team, not three. Chuck Norris himself shows up and Lee says he found a fourth team member*

W: Of course.

 

*Kelly confronts Chuck and says he’d love to kick his ass. Chuck “Only in your dreams.” Kelly leaves and Lee tells Chan to ask him nicely. Chan gets his attention and wants to talk to him for a minute. Chan introduces herself and we cut*

D: Show him your tits, that’ll work.

 

*Barry watches the real martial artists in awe*

W: The REAL ninjas.

 

*Barry spots the real Chuck behind him and goes awestruck*

W: This isn’t a dream this time.

 

*Barry and Chuck talk, Barry says he’s nervous. Chuck says he’s there to be on his team and Kelly needs a lesson in humility. Chan enters Chuck Norris as the fourth member and the judge doesn’t believe him. Chuck himself says he’s in and the judge goes awestruck*

W: Haha this is not a drill.

 

*Lee has to leave to go work a shift, he’ll be back. The women’s kata competition is first and the other performers do their thing. Chan goes last*

D: I love how they didn’t have a team name so they named their restaurant.

W: The Frying Dragon haha.

 

*Jerry gives Chan a standing O. She hugs Lauren, Barry and Jerry but Lee is still not there. Stone’s team member Malia Bernal wins first place with Chan placing second. Lee is still nowhere to be found as Randy breaks 8 bricks. Lee is called to perform and Lee is in full work uniform. Judge says he’s not wearing a gi and Lee says he doesn’t need a gi to break bricks. Lee wants 9 bricks and breaks all 9 of them*

D: Now its back to the restaurant.

 

*Barry hugs Lee and even Kelly nods in approval*

W: Even he’s like wow.

 

*Stone’s team member does sword art as Barry does nunchucks. He daydreams himself as a ninja*

D: He daydreams during this too.

 

*Barry envisions himself as a super ninja*

W: That’s not him is it.

D: No, but that’s still impressive. Lauren will want to sit on his face after this.

 

*Barry wakes up and gets a standing O*

W: As cool as that was, this is the worst revenge movie I’ve ever seen. Like he’s not even competing against Randy one on one.

 

*Chuck meets Jerry and some lady. The Men’s freestyle tournament is next*

W: Imagine being one of these guys thinking its just another karate tournament and you have to face Chuck Norris.

 

*Chuck and Kelly win all their matches*

W: Again, as cool as it is to see the heel get his, there’s really no point.

 

*Kelly and Chuck are in the finals and Kelly says he’s always wanted to find out how good Chuck is. Chuck says its only going to be once. Barry laughs and the final match starts. Kelly gets in a cheapshot and taunts the crowd*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Chuck starts whipping Kelly pillar to post. Kelly tries heel tactics*

W: Ha, makes a great wrestling heel.

 

*Kelly takes his gloves, belt top off. He starts making exaggerated motions*

W: Good physique but he looks like an idiot.

 

*Kelly eats a jump kick, does a 360 and falls flat on his face “That hurt.”

W: Hahahahaha.

 

*Kelly staggers around out of it. The Stone Dojo and Frying Dragon are tied and a tiebreaker is announced. Barry is chosen to break bricks against Randy*

D: Ohhh yeah, this is kinda revenge.

W: Yeah, I forgot this part.

 

*Randy tells Barry to quit and he breaks 6 bricks. He tells “pukeface” to beat that*

D: How old is this guy?

W: Yeah really. 4th graders are telling him to grow up.

 

*Barry has to break 7 to keep it going and he does*

W: Yessss what a comeback.

 

*Randy says he’s ending this right now and wants 9 bricks. Randy breaks 7 of them and Kelly yells at him. Barry wins it if he can break 9 bricks. Randy mocks Barry as he goes onstage*

D: He didn’t even do it. I’d have laughed at him.

W: Yeah really, I would have been like “Dude, you didn’t even break them!”

 

*Lee sets the 9 bricks on fire*

D: Wouldn’t that make them easier to break?

W: If so, that’s cheating. Still, why is he allowed to do that?

 

*Barry breaks all 9 bricks and Kelly backhands Randy*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Barry sits alone with Chuck outside and says he doesn’t know what to say. Barry says its like dreams coming true and Chuck says dreams come true if you want them bad enough. Jerry and Chan walk out carrying a giant trophy and Barry thanks him. He walks away, turns around and Chuck is gone*

D: Like a thief in the night.

 

*Barry leaves his magazine behind. Some kid in a wheelchair picks it up*

W: Looks like a crippled Charlie Bucket.

D: He does kind of look like that.

 

*End credits*

W: We made it.

 

 

Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 7.5 out of 10, I generally enjoyed it. Its got hokey acting but the daydreams were intentionally supposed to be hokey. Joe Piscopo was hamming it up the whole time but its a still good family martial arts film. Not as good as Karate Kid but what is?

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it an 8. I can watch it again and again, it was a great story. The acting was so hammy but it worked. The story was easy to follow, the heels played their roles well and Chuck Norris as himself was great.

Final Grade: 7.5 out of 10 – Awesome.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: That was ham, cheese, egg and sausage acting for sure. That was one of the most over the top, hokey, cheesy movies I’ve ever seen but it had its charm. Joe Piscopo was hilarious as the heel and Beau Bridges did his usual “loving father trying to be supportive” role he had in The Wizard. Always great to see Danica McKellar and its a shame what happened to Jonathan Brandis. All in all the movie is ridiculous but its got Chuck Norris. I definitely recommend watching it at least once to have some fun. That wraps up another Chuck Norris adventure, now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

432. Santa With Muscles (1996)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a santa hat, HOME ALONE t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a Christmas tree shaped mug of Pepsi*

W: Merry Christmas everyone from all of us at Warlock’s Movie Realm. Come on in for the special.

*The Lair is decked out in Christmas gear. Mr. America is in the recliner wearing a santa suit with padding including the hat and fake beard*

W: As you all know, Mr. America dresses up as Santa for the local orphanage every year but before he goes, we decided to do one of the worst Christmas movies of all time!

A: Oh sure, you and Neyzor Blades get to do one of the best and I get stuck with one of the worst.

W: It has Hogan in it.

A: WHAT?? Why didn’t you just say that?

W: I just did.

A: Start the movie! START IT!

W: For those that don’t know, back in 1996 Hulk Hogan made one of the worst movies ever. For years America and I have avoided it like the plague but we may as well do it today so we never have to think about it again.

A: It has HOGAN!

W: Yeah yeah, anyway the plot is…

A: HOGAN!

W: Okay okay!

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: Let’s start SANTA WITH MUSCLES.

 

 

Written by Jonathan Bond, Fred Mata, Dorrie Krum Raymond

Directed by John Murlowski

 

Cast:

Blake (Hulk Hogan)

Lenny (Don Stark)

Leslie (Robin Curtis)

Clayton (Garrett Morris)

Elizabeth (Aria Noelle Curzon)

Taylor (Adam Wylie)

Sarah (Mila Kunis)

Helen Chu (Jennifer Paz)

Hinkley (Clint Howard)

Chas (William Newman)

Franco (Robert Apisa)

Pierre (Pierre Dulat)

Dr. Blight (Steve Valentine)

Ebner Frost (Ed Begley Jr)

Dr. Vial (Kai Ephron)

Dr. Watt (Diane Robin)

Dr. Flint (Kevin West)

Mr. Rapini (Eddy Donno)

Steven (Andre Jamal Kinney)

Girl (Bentley Shuster)

Baldie (Troy Robinson)

Nose Ring (Pete Apisa)

Susan (Brenda Song)

Brat Kid (Malone Brinton)

Mall Manager (Bridget Michele)

Sumo Lab Assistant (Ed Leslie)

Boy (Blake Shuster)

Father (Neil Calabro)

Old Lady (Emmy Cicierega)

ATM Voice (Melody Faith Clark-Curzon)

Bazooka Cop (Brian J Williams)

 

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “An evil millionaire believes he is Santa Claus after an accident renders him amnesiac.”

A: Hope his memory doesn’t come back too soon. That’s gonna suck when he goes all Scrooge and wants everything back.

 

*Movie opens with kids saying Edgar Frost is a bad guy and he’s gonna do something bad. Kid wants nothing for Christmas but wants the town of Lakeville to prosper because Frost is driving everyone away. The little girl lives in a orphanage and she’s writing a letter. Elizabeth is the little girl and she says this is the last Christmas ever*

A: I think you’re being a little dramatic.

 

*Blake sneaks around a mansion*

W: Who’s that.

A: Hogan with hair.

 

*Blake beats up a guy with a machete*

A: Ha!

 

*Blake tells him never stop to smell the roses*

A: Really? Oh dear god.

 

*A chef runs out and attacks him before another guy jump kicks him. Blake throws him off the balcony as the limo driver attacks. The gardener attacks with a weed whacker and Blake hits him with a food pan as Chas tosses him another one. Blake says time and they say 4 minutes*

W: They attacked him…

A: To keep in shape!!

 

*Blake sells protein shakes and tells Chas his picture isn’t big enough*

A: I know its only 5 minutes into the movie but he doesn’t seem that evil, just an arrogant jerk.

 

*Blake says rules are important*

W: Okay Hollywood.

 

*Pierre says “Never give an inch when you can take one.” Franklin “Never lend a hand because you may need it later.”

W: Good grief.

 

*Blake wants to play paintball with his cronies and says “Let’s roll”

W: This acting is AWFUL.

 

*Blake cheats during paintball as Deputy Hinkley is playing with a radar gun*

W: Is everyone in this movie a retard?

 

*A few guys on bikes jump his car and Hinkley says he’s being attacked by terrorists*

W: Terrorists???

 

*Blake shoots at the police cruisers chasing him with paintballs as the cops shoot out a sign pointing to the mall. Blake says they can hide in the mall*

W: I hate the sounds of kids.

 

*Kids are waiting in line to see Santa but he’s nowhere to be found. Blake “When in doubt, get out” and he dives out of the humvee*

A: Did he just bail on his buddy?

W: Yes.

A: What a guy.

 

*The elves play cards and the hot blonde says he’ll pay someone 50 dollars to find Santa. Dr Blight has some guy hanging upside down. Ebner Frost taunts him and wants him to sell the shoe store. Frost sicks his henchmen Dr. Flint, Dr. Vial and Dr. Watt on him. Flint is a geologist, Vial is a chemist and Watt is into electricity*

W: This is starting to suck hard.

 

*Blake puts on a Santa suit in the closet*

A: He’s gonna disguise himself.

 

*Blake walks out and Hinkley asks if he’s seen a crazy guy in fatigues. Blake says no and he blows off the brat kid but Hinkley recognizes him. Hinkley loses Blake when he dives into the garbage shoot. Somebody dumps garbage on him*

A: They didn’t notice white gloves?

 

*Somebody drops a Santa statue on Blake and he falls and hits his head*

A: That’s how he got amnesia.

 

*Lenny the elf steals Blake’s wallet. He dances and says he’s rich before Blake wakes up. Blake has no idea who he is and Lenny says he’s an elf. Blake can’t remember his name and Lenny says he’s Santa*

W: Somebody punch this guy.

 

*Kids chant for Santa as Lenny brings him to meet the elves. Lenny tells him to promise the kids everything. Blake rubs a black kids head*

W: The jokes tell themselves.

 

*Lenny gets the 50 from the woman and puts it in Blake’s wallet. Susan wants a new Walkman and a new barbie doll. A girl wants a circle thing and Blake says its a golf ball*

W: What?

 

*Two kids fight*

W: That’s probably Nick and Brooke.

 

*Lenny tries to use Blake’s debit card but can’t. Meanwhile two punks steal money from the charity.*

W: The big dirty.

 

*Susan calls out for Santa and Blake goes to make the save*

W: Time for some Hulkapunches.

 

*Santa is punched but he no sells it. He beats up the punks and gorilla presses one of them. He throws the other one into the elf shack and the crowd cheers. Santa “Pays to be nice”

W: A face turn.

 

*Lenny “Very very nice.”

A: They never made it clear he was that evil to begin with.

 

*Santa leads the crowd outside and says they need to go to the orphanage. He wants his sleigh and Lenny says he’s got something better as he steals someone’s moped*

W: He just stole somebodies moped.

 

*Dr. Blight reports to Frost who is a complete germaphobe. The shoe salesman says he’ll surrender and sell*

W: This crap again.

 

*Frost says the only ones left that haven’t sold are the orphanage*

W: Wouldn’t he be the evil millionaire?

A: That’s what I’m saying.

 

*Frost’s crew goes to the orphanage in an Ice Cream Truck*

W: Wearing a labcoat.

 

*Blight knocks on Leslie’s door and Leslie tells him to disappear forever. He asks her out and she says in his dreams before shutting the door in his face. Meanwhile Santa and Lenny show up on the moped. The Ice Cream Truck goes to run over Clayton but it stops because Blake is pulling it by a chain*

W: Oh come on.

A: Like I really believe that.

 

*The truck drives off and the kids are excited to see Santa*

W: Oh my god, recognize the girl on the right?

A: No.

 

*Elizabeth goes to get her letter. Sarah introduces herself and so does Leslie*

W: Ill give you a hint, Meg Griffin.

A: Son of a bitch.

W: Yup, that’s a young Mila Kunis.

 

*Santa says he’s glad to be here but not sure why. Lenny tries to play along but Clayton tells Santa about Frost’s master plan. Santa says Frost is a naughty boy. Santa refuses to eat cookies but Lenny makes him eat one and drink milk. Clayton says its dinner time and we cut to dinner with Lenny telling jokes*

W: What a motley crew this is. Mila Kunis, Garrett Morris, Robin Curtis and Hulk Hogan.

 

*Elizabeth says Santa will be busy*

W: The goofball still has his wallet.

 

*Taylor storms off in a huff*

A: He’s been in other things too.

W: I know, just don’t know what off the top of my head.

 

*Lenny steals bread rolls as Blake and Lenny get ready for bed*

W: He looks like a monk.

A: He’s not much better dressed as a bunny.

 

*Lenny says to give it a rest*

W: Wish I could give this movie a rest.

 

*Newspaper the next morning says Santa With Muscles. Blake walks out without the costume and the kids are shocked. Everyone knows him from somewhere and Lenny steals the cereal box that has Blake’s face on it*

W: Why is he here again?

 

*Lenny gets an idea to steal Blake’s thumbprint to the 2001 Space Odyssey theme*

W: Ric Flair about to interfere?

 

*Lenny volunteers to do dishes and Elizabeth tells him what to do and what not to do*

W: Her voice is grating.

 

*Sarah made Santa a new suit and it shows off his muscles*

W: He looks like a Village People santa. What did she ever see in Ashton Kutcher?

A: Don’t know.

 

*Newslady interviews Blake in his custom suit*

A: Look at the idiot in the back.

 

*Blake says the reindeer brought him there. She asks what his secret to staying healthy. Blake says he eats a lot of reindeer meat*

W and A: Hahahahahahaha!!!!!

 

*Blake catches himself and says he stays healthy for the kids and there’s a new santa in town. Lenny uses the glass he picked up and its the wrong thumb. Frost’s goons kidnap Lenny*

W: They kidnapped this clown?

A: Yup.

 

*Frost wants the orphanage gone and Lenny later tells Blake they have to leave. Blake tells him he wants to stay and he visits Elizabeth in the chapel. Blake says he doesn’t remember his parents and Elizabeth says she doesn’t either. He takes off his fake beard and hat and wants to speak with her*

W: Isn’t this touching?

A: No, no not really.

 

*Clayton tells Blake he finally made something of himself as something is thrown through the window. Its the statue with a warning that there’s only one day left. Blake says he’ll take care of it*

W: Real American hits.

A: Pfft.

 

*Blight taunts Blake and Blake says the orphanage is his family. Blight starts kicking the crap out of Blake and says he’s his patient. Blake pops up and says patient suffers from a tummy ache and punches Blight in the stomach*

W and A: Hahahahha

 

*Taylor figures out something is wrong as Blake dispatches the bad guys. Taylor is gone and Blake says he knows where he is. Blake and Lenny go to Frost’s mansion. Lenny asks how they’re going to get in and Blake throws him over the gate before jumping over it*

W and A: Hahahahha

 

*Lenny and Blake sneak around*

W: He’s wearing bells on his outfit, wouldn’t anybody hear that?

A: You would think.

 

*Taylor goes to hit Frost with a slingshot but Blake says this isn’t right. Taylor says he wanted to protect the place like Blake did. Blake says he only does it in self defense. Blake tells Lenny to take Taylor home and Lenny says that’s the first thing he’s said that makes sense and runs off with Taylor*

W: 42 minutes left.

 

*Frost tells Blight he wants the orphanage gone as Blake sees his plan. Blake back at the orphanage asks whats beneath the orphanage and Taylor says a big vault. The group all heads to the catacombs*

W: The plot revealed.

 

*Blake figures out he’s been there before. 8-24-16 is the combo they know but don’t know the last number. Blake figures out the rest of the combo and opens the door*

W: How did he know that? Why aren’t the kids asking questions?

 

*The catacombs are full of rare, magic crystals. Sarah says they explode when dropped and Taylor drops one, making it explode*

W: That’s very important.

 

*Everyone leaves and Blake wonders how he got the vault open. Blake wants the truth and Lenny hands him his pants and wallet back. Blake takes his hat off but Lenny says the kids needs Santa and just be Santa, figure out the rest later*

W: What a pep talk.

 

*Frost calls Lenny and wants a progress report. Lenny says they got tabs on him and Elizabeth screams. Blight walks out and takes everyone hostage until Blake walks in and chases him*

A: Ha!

 

*Blight tells him to get out of his life and heads to the roof. Blight swings a candy cane*

A: Strike one.

 

*Blake starts fighting back*

A: Strike two.

 

*Blake punches out Blight but a robot santa pushes him out of the bell tower….into a garbage truck with his protein can. He says the picture isn’t big enough*

A: Did he just get bested by a robotic santa?

W: Of course he lands in a garbage truck.

 

*Blake wakes up and thinks he had a dream. He wakes up in his Santa suit in bed*

W: Nobody knew who he was except for garbage men???

 

*Chas explains the garbage man recognized him from the picture on the protein can*

W: Yup, garbage men knew who he was.

 

*Blake calls the orphanage but Frost’s crew hacks the call and plays a recording of Leslie telling Blight off to fool Blake. We cut to the kids in the orphanage who are downtrodden. Sarah says there’s no such thing as Santa as Lenny watches. Frost’s crew walks in as everyone is taken hostage. Frost himself walks in with a radiation suit on and says merry Christmas to all*

W: So if he’s that much of a germaphobe, just spit on him.

 

*Frost reveals he wants the crystals and wants the kids, Leslie, Lenny and Clayton to do his mining. Frost tries to bribe the kids but they refuse and Frost reveals Lenny was his informant. They all scoff at Lenny as we cut to Blake depressed. His staff tries to cheer him up but they can’t. “He likes to hit me!”

A: Ha!

 

*Lenny calls Blake and tells him what’s going on when Blight and Sumo catch him*

W: Is that Brutus Beefcake trying to be Asian?

A: Yes.

 

*Blake rallies his staff to go save the kids*

W: Really?

 

*Blake “Let’s go spread some Christmas cheer”

A: Yup.

 

*Dr. Flint is trying to pry open the vault as Hinkley says the terrorists are back and follow Blake’s van*

W: Ask him to come along and help.

 

*Blake uses his salad dressing to cause the cops to spin out, the protein powder makes them spin out too*

W: Can salad dressing really do that?

A: I don’t think so.

 

*The cops pull guns on Blake’s crew. A cop pulls out a bazooka*

W: Hahahahaa what?

A: Since when does local police departments get access to a bazooka?

 

*Bazooka blows away Hinkley’s car*

W: This movie is atrocious.

 

*Blake’s crew takes back the orphanage using sophomoric pranks*

W: Good grief.

 

*Blake says he’s not really Santa, he’s Blake. Elizabeth says he’s better than Santa. Blake leads Sarah, Taylor and Elizabeth out. Taylor has a fire extinguisher and he blasts Dr. Vial with it. They use his own stink gas against him to make him dive out the window laughing*

W: He thought it was hilarious.

 

*Dr. Watt takes Blake and we get a one on one confrontation in the chapel. Sumo walks in and takes his shirt off*

W: Hogan vs Beefcake.

 

*Hogan uses a crane kick to take out Sumo*

W: And that lasted 3 seconds.

 

*Lenny dumps water on Watt and electrocutes her*

W: That was easy.

 

*Lenny hands Blake back his wallet and says thanks for making him see the error of their ways. Blake kicks the door in to free Clayton and Leslie. Clayton “All you had to do was knock!”

A: Ha!

 

*Clayton calls Blake by his birthname. Blake grew up in the orphanage with Frost, his best friend*

W: Makes sense now.

 

*Blight taunts his own downed crew and says he has to do everything himself. Leslie walks in and signals the kids to open the freezer. He calls the kids losers and she pushes him into the freezer*

W: They’re gonna freeze him to death.

A: Apparently.

 

*Blake finds Frost and says hes here to stop him.  Flint gets the door open and Frost shoves him into it. Blake throws Flint into the door as well. Finally Lenny knocks him out as we cut to Frost and Blake. Frost was jealous of Blake’s inheritance while he rotted away at the orphanage. Blake says he’s seen the error of his ways. Frost grabs a crystal and smashes Blake with it*

W: Aren’t those supposed to explode?

A: Yeah.

 

*Blake grabs a crustal and they have a sword fight*

W: They’re supposed to explode, how are they having a god damned light saber duel with them?

 

*The kids get Frost’s suit off as the crystals begin to overload. Sarah says they need to get out of there. Flint “ITS GONNA BLOW!” Blake grabs Frost and says they need to go. Everyone runs for it*

W: Did he just save the bad guy and his crony?

A: Yup.

W: No man left behind.

 

*They all run outside with Blake’s crew holding Frost’s crew hostage. The orphanage blows*

W: Wouldn’t that mean Frost wins?

A: I would think so.

 

*Hinkley and the cops pull up and so does the news. Hinkley gets credit for catching Frost as Blight is wheeled away. Blake says he can defrost himself*

W: HA!

 

*Vial, Watt, Flint and Blight are all arrested and thrown in the paddy wagon*

W: One left.

 

*Frost says he’s not through with Blake yet and he sneezes. Leslie says they have nowhere to go now. Blake says he knows a place that’s available*

W: Oh sure, the happy ending.

 

*Frost’s mansion is the new orphanage and they all look through a telescope to see Frost’s crew picking up street trash. Elizabeth says its a Christmas miracle and she believes in Santa. Blake “Ho ho ho!” He throws his hat*

A: This is really gonna be the closing shot?

W: Yup.

 

*End credits*

A: A closeup of a santa hat on a stupid bush?

W: Yup.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3. Its horrible but a fun horrible.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 4, its pretty bad but so bad its fun to make fun of.

Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10 – Horrible

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: That was definitely one of those “so bad its good” trainwrecks. It had its moments of complete stupidity but they also had some legitimately funny scenes to keep us watching. Its nowhere near as epic as Troll 2 but its nowhere near Dead Clowns level either. So, what did you think?

A: Shit.

W: Yeah, I thought so. Its all Hogan’s fault.

*America pops up*

A: What? NOOOOO!!!!

*America starts hulking up as the Demonic Toys materialize out of thin air*

Oopsy Daisy: TIME TO DIE!

*Mr. America points at Daisy*

A: YOUUUUUU!!!

*The Warlock turns on Real America as Mr. America clotheslines Oopsy Daisy and drops the big leg on Jack Attack, decapitating both. America gorilla presses Grizzly Teddy on top of Mr. Static and drops the leg on Teddy to decapitate it. He throws all the corpses together and Warlock fries them with a fireball*

A: Yeahhhh!!!

*America does Hulk Hogan poses in his Santa outfit*

W: Now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

 

431. Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

*The Warlock appears on screen wearing a Santa hat, a horrible Christmas sweater, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Pepsi*

W: Merry Christmas Eve everyone from all of us at Warlock’s Movie Realm. To finish off Oscar’s Revenge Week, Neyzor Blades will take a look at the runner up for Best Picture in 1947 and one of the all time best Christmas movies ever.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*

N: I’ve never heard of it.

W: I haven’t even said what we’re doing yet! Tonight we celebrate this Christmas Eve with MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET.

N: Never heard of it.

W: WHAT???

N: Yeah, never seen it.

W: Well now is a good time as any. Let’s get the party started with MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET.

 

 

 

Written by George Seaton and Valentine Davies

Directed by George Seaton

 

Cast:

Doris Walker (Maureen O’Hara)

Fred Gailey (John Payne)

Kris Kringle (Edmund Gwenn)

Judge Henry X Harper (Gene Lockhart)

Susan Walker (Natalie Wood)

Granville Sawyer (Porter Hall)

Charlie Halloran (William Frawley)

DA Thomas Mara (Jerome Cowan)

Julian Shellhammer (Philip Tongue)

Mail Sorter (Jack Albertson)

Mr. RH Macy (Harry Antrim)

Mrs. Shellhammer (Lela Bliss)

Judge’s Clerk (Walden Boyle)

Kids (Kevin Burke)

Secretary (Dorothy Christy)

Department Store Head (Dick Cogan)

Reporters (Jeff Corey, Richard Irving)

Susan’s Double (Sheryl Deauville)

Bailiffs (Mike Donovan, Joseph McIerney)

Terry (Terry Driver)

Dutch Girl’s Mother (Mary Field)

Doctor Rogers (William Forrest)

Chauffeur (Jack Gargan)

Department Store Window Dresser (Robert Gist)

Mrs. Harper (Jane Green)

Alfred (Alvin Greenman)

George (Alvin Hammer)

Cleo (Theresa Harris)

Drunk Santa (Percy Helton)

Mr. Gimbel (Herbert Heyes)

Patron (Clark Howat)

Thomas Mara Jr (Robert Hyatt)

Intern (Basil Walker)

Second Intern (Robert Karnes)

Customer (Fran Lee)

Dutch Girl (Marlene Lyden)

Macy’s Salesmen (Robert Lynn, Lorin Raker)

Woman in Santa Line (Mae Marsh)

Drum Majorette (Ida McGuire)

Miss Adams (Jean O’Donnell)

Mr. Sawyer’s Secretary (Anne O’Neal)

Mail Bearers (Snub Pollard, Bob Reeves, Ray Spiker)

Peter’s Mother (Thelma Ritter)

Courtroom Reporter (Jeffrey Sayre)

Security Guards (Stephen Roberts, Brick Sullivan)

Dr. Pierce (James Seay)

RH Macy’s Secretary (Irene Shirley)

Alice (Patty Smith)

Mrs. Mara (Ann Staunton)

Peter (Anthony Sydes)

Lou (Guy Thomajan)

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “When a nice old man who claims to be Santa Claus is institutionalized as insane, a young lawyer decides to defend him by arguing in court that he is the real thing.”

N: Nope

 

*Opening credits*

W: Maureen O’Hara.

 

*Santa walks down the street and sees a man putting reindeer together in a store window. Santa tells the store owner the correct order to put them and walks off*

W: Its Thanksgiving.

 

*Macy’s Parade is going on and Doris Walker tries to organize everything. The santa on the sleigh stumbles around. The real Santa goes over to show him how to use the whip. He figure out the other guy is drunk and calls him a disgrace for drinking on the job in front of kids*

W: Ha, a man of the people.

 

*Santa finds Doris who thinks he’s Santa. He says the one she hired is drunk and they storm off to investigate. The drunk santa sings jingle bells and tells Doris that its cold and he has to do something to keep warm. Santa says he’s gonna whack him with his cane*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*The drunk santa passes out and Doris asks Santa to take his place. He does and the parade begins. Santa has a merry old time as Doris goes home to see her daughter Susan. Her servant Cleo says she’s on the balcony watching the parade with Fred Gailey. Susan never heard of Jack and The Beanstalk. Susan says her parents were divorced when she was born and Doris thinks fairy tales are silly*

W: Very silly.

 

*Susan says this parade is better than last year. Susan says this year’s Santa is better than last. Doris says she fired the one she hired for being drunk. Susan wants Fred to come to dinner and begs Doris. Doris says sure and we cut to her assistant saying Santa is a hit. Doris say to hire him to play the mall santa. We cut to the next day in the lockerroom where Santa gets ready with Alfred the janitor. Alfred says it makes him feel good when he dresses as Santa and makes the kids happy*

W: Least he’s not a jerk.

 

*Doris’ assistant tell Santa to push certain toys they’re overstocked on. After he leaves Santa rips the list up and says he’s been fighting this for years. Alfred doesn’t like it either and tells Santa to throw his trash on the floor. He gets tired of just sweeping up dust.*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Peter sits on Santa’s lap and says he wants a fire engine and his mother says Macy’s doesn’t have them. Santa tells the mother that Schofield’s has them and the mother is shocked he’s sending her to another store. “I don’t get it, I just don’t get it.” Santa says he keeps track of the toy market*

W: Wish they’d tell us the assistant’s name.

 

*Santa tells another mother to go to Gimbel’s for a good pair of ice skates and the assistant is horrified. Meanwhile Peter’s Mother walks up and thanks the guy for Santa sending her to the right place and she’ll be a regular customer of Macy’s from now on*

N: Ha.

 

*The secretary for the assistant says more people want to thank him but he’s more worried about what Mr. Macy himself thinks. We cut to Susan and Fred meeting Santa and she’s not convinced he’s the real Santa. She tugs on his bear and its real. He asks Susan what she wants for Christmas but Doris runs up and takes her away. Fred explains he thought it was a good idea*

N: Why does she gotta be such a jerk?

 

*Doris says this is harmful because she told Susan that Santa isn’t real and this guy is claiming that he’s the real Santa. Doris tells Fred she’s going to raise Susan her way. Susan watches as a woman brings a young Dutch girl to see him explaining she doesn’t speak English. Sinterklaas speaks perfect Dutch and sings with her and Susan is blown away. Doris brings Susan aside and says he’s not the real Santa even though he can speak every language. Doris has Santa come in and explain he’s not the real Santa. Santa says he IS the real Santa and Doris has his employment card pulled. He lives in an old folks home but he IS the real Santa*

N: What a bitch.

 

*Doris goes to fire Santa but is called to Mr Macy’s office. Her assistant Mr. Julian Shellhammer is there with the board. RH Macy says Santa was on to something and their new policy is if they don’t have an item, they’ll tell the customers where to get it. Julian and Doris get bonuses for this idea. Doris says she fired Santa and Julian goes “WHAT???”

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Doris says Santa is insane and Julian says maybe he’s just a little crazy. Julian says to have him examined by Granville Sawyer. We cut to Doris telling Santa to report to Mr. Sawyer. Santa knows all about mental exams and he knows them all by heart. Doris is shocked and calls the old folks home for intel. We cut to Mr. Sawyer giving him the exam and Santa is jolly*

W: Ha!

 

*Sawyer tells him to get lost and says she’s been married for 26 years. He barks to his wife her brother is no good. Dr. Pierce is there from the old folks home as Mr. Sawyer walks in and says he needs to be committed. Dr. Pierce says that’s not necessary because he’s no harm to anyone, he’s just delusional that he thinks he’s Santa. Mr. Sawyer says Santa is prone to violence and Pierce says that’s not true. Sawyer says if anything happens, and it will, its on them. Sawyer leaves and Julian says he believes Pierce. Julian asks what could possibly make him violent and Pierce says if someone doesn’t believe who he is. Pierce suggests they get Santa a roommate before he leaves. Julian says he’ll get his wife plastered so she’ll agree to let him take Santa in. We cut to Susan who tells Santa that the other kids wouldn’t play with them because she refuses to be silly*

W: Cynical little shit isn’t she?

N: Her mother made her that way.

 

*Santa teaches Susan how to be a monkey. We cut to Fred and Doris making dinner*

N: Look how tiny the kitchen is.

 

*Fred asks what’s going on and Santa says he’s teaching her how to pretend. Fred says Santa can stay with him and Santa says sure. Julian calls Doris and his intoxicated wife his holding the phone upside down*

N: Hellooooooo

 

*Mrs. Shellhammer says it would be simply charming to have Santa. Santa says he’s staying with Fred and Fred runs away. We cut to Susan asking Santa for a real house to live in. If he gets it, he’s Santa, if not, he’s a fraud. Santa doesn’t know how he’ll pull it off but he’ll do his best. Susan puts her gum away in a box*

N: Gross.

 

*Santa and Fred get ready for bed and Fred smokes a cigarette*

W: He’s smoking in bed.

 

*Santa says he’ll take care of Susan and Doris as Fred says he’ll help out. Santa sleeps with his whiskers out. We cut to Macy’s putting their plan into execution of finding other stores for them to go to. We cut to Gimbel’s boardroom as Mr. Gimbel says they should have done this themselves. Their policy will be to do the same thing only across the country. Mr. Macy counters by saying they’ll do the same thing. We get a publicity picture of Gimbel shaking hands with Macy in front of Santa. Macy hands him a bonus and Santa says he’ll give it to a doctor who needs an x-ray machine. Macy and Gimbel have a Canadian Standoff of who will cover the whole machine*

W: Ha they both want to pay.

 

*Santa wants to sing to Susan in bed who blows bubbles with her gum. He wants to try it too and he blows a huge bubble..that blows into his beard. He uses tweezers to pick it out*

N: Hahahaha

 

*Santa sits with Alfred who’s sad. Alfred wanted to play Santa at the Y and Sawyer told him that people only play Santa have a guilt complex. Alfred is 17 years old and Santa says he’s not guilty of anything. Alfred is convinced Sawyer is right and that he hates his father. Alfred says he’s been seeing him every day and Santa storms off*

W: Uh oh.

 

*Santa barges in to Sawyer’s office him and scolds him for perverting Alfred’s mind. Santa yells at him and he’ll report him to Mr. Macy. Sawyer tells him to leave and Santa hits him with the cane. Julian and Doris walks up and Sawyer pretends to fall down and pass out. Julian and Doris run in and tend to him. Sawyer “comes to” and says Santa is insane and needs to be committed. Julian and Doris mull what to do but Doris doesn’t want to hurt Santa. We cut to Sawyer and Julian plotting to get Santa outside. Julian goes to Santa and says to take a photoshoot with the mayor. Santa says he’ll do it and goes outside with Julian where he’s put into a car and taken to the mental home*

W: Oh they tricked him.

N: Yup.

 

*Santa asks if Doris knew about this and Sawyer says yes. We cut to Fred in his office getting a call that Santa has been committed and he’ll be right over. We cut to Santa who’s sad that Doris turned on him and Fred says it was a set up, Doris had nothing to do with it. Santa calls Sawyer every name in the book and says he’s outside and Santa is in here. He says he tanked the examination on purpose so he doesn’t hurt anyone. Fred gives him a pep talk and says they can fight in court. Santa says he regrets saying Calvin Coolidge was the first president*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Macy yells at Sawyer to get Santa back or he’ll hit him too. Henry X Harper is the local Judge and DA Thomas Harper goes over Santa’s file. Fred walks in and says he wants a hearing and Harper says Monday at 10 AM. Sawyer tells Mara that Macy wants to drop the whole thing and there should be no publicity. Sawyer asks Fred to drop the case and Fred says he’ll get as much publicity as possible*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Newspaper montage of Santa being on trial and Harper doesn’t like it. Harper’s grandkids are mad because he’s putting Santa on trial. Charlie Halloran laughs*

N: Its Fred from I Love Lucy.

 

*At the trial, Santa is sworn in to testify. Harper says this is a hearing, not a trial. Santa says his name is Kris Kringle and he believes he’s Santa. Mara says the state rests*

W: Hahaha that was easy.

 

*Santa tells the judge he’s not just playing Santa and Fred says no further questions. Fred says if he says he’s Santa just like Harper is Harper, then he’s sane. Fred says he intends to prove Santa is the real Santa. Charlie storms off as we cut to Fred visiting Doris*

W: Imagine this now?

 

*Doris is scared Fred will get laughed at and his future will be thrown away. Fred says he’s tired of her cynical ways. We cut to Mara, his wife and their son Tommy Jr. Mara says the papers are making him out to be a monster. Mara tells his wife he has to put Kringle away because its the law. We cut to Alfred and Santa going to the trial together. Mr. Macy is on trial and he has a montage in his mind if he does or doesn’t believe in Santa and decides to say he believes in Santa. Everyone gossips as Macy scolds Sawyer and fires him*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Mara wants Harper to say if there’s a Santa or not and Charlie tells him to think it over. We have a recess and Charlie says if Harper says there’s not Santa, he’ll never win an election. The department stores, candy companies, toymakers and kids will all turn on him. Harper says Mara is a Republican*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Harper says he needs evidence to support any decision. Fred pulls a fast one and has Tommy Jr testify*

W: Hahahahaha I love this part.

 

*Tommy Jr says never tell a lie, especially in court. Tommy says Kris Kringle is Santa and Mara says he protests. Harper smiles “Overruled.”

W and N: Hahaahahha

 

*Tommy wants a real football helmet and Santa says he’ll get it. Mara’s wife and kid looks at him and he says he concedes that Santa is real with the provision that Fred provides proof. Harper agrees and asks Fred if he has any proof and Fred says give him until tomorrow to prove it. Alfred tells Doris that’s that but Doris says its not over yet. Back at home Susan says he is Santa and Doris says she’s right*

W: Took ya long enough to come around.

 

*Susan says she’ll write Santa a letter*

W: Better than firing off an email.

 

*Doris mails the letter to Santa saying she believes too. The mail sorters go through the mail and the sorter tells Lou to send all the Santa letters to Santa at the courthouse*

W: That’s Grandpa Joe from Willie Wonka.

 

*Back at the trial, Fred tells Santa he’s got nothing and Mara on the other side says he doesn’t have anything. We cut to Fred reading about the history of the post office. Mara says that’s nice but what’s the relevance? Fred’s endgame is that the post office sent letters to the court addressed to Santa. Mara says just 3 letters is not proof and Harper wants the rest on his desk. Fred reluctantly says okay and has thousands upon thousands of letters onto Harper’s desk*

W and N: Hahahahaha

N: That’s a lot of pieces of mail.

 

*Fred says the federal government says Kringle is Santa and Harper says case dismissed. Charlie nods in approval as Mara says he needs to get the football helmet. Santa thanks Harper for his help and we cut to Santa outside waiting for Doris. Santa invites Doris and Susan to the happy home he was living in for a party. Alfred is awestruck when Mr. Macy shakes his hand. Julian and Dr. Pierce walk in and Dr. Pierce has a brand new x-ray machine. Susan didn’t get the house and she’s depressed about it. Doris says faith is believing in things that common sense tells you not to*

W: What a line.

 

*Fred wants to drive Susan and Doris home. Santa gives Fred specific directions and Susan recognizes where they are. Its the house she wanted. Susan runs inside with Fred and Doris in pursuit. Susan says this is her house and she believes now. Fred and Doris has no idea this was possible and they kiss*

N: Big smooch.

 

*Fred says they can’t let Susan down. Fred says he pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes when he spots Santa’s cane. Fred says maybe he didn’t do such a wonderful thing after all. End credits*

N: Yayyyyy

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I give it a 7, its a classic.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it an 8, a wonderful Christmas movie.

Final Grade: 7.5 out of 10 – Classic

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: See? I told you it was going to be good. Miracle on 34th Street has been a classic for 70 years now and even though some of it may be horrendously outdated, the overall premise is still fun to watch. The acting was great, the story was easy to follow and the ending was cute. Did Gentlemen’s Agreement deserve to win Best Picture over it? Only because of the message that bigotry still existed in the US even after World War 2. As for  MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET, definitely give it a watch around Christmas time. That wraps up Oscar’s Revenge Week here at Warlock’s Movie Realm. Tomorrow will be our annual Christmas special…now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

 

 

 

430. The Bells of St. Mary’s (1945)

*The Warlock appears on screen wearing a tuxedo t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a goblet of Barq’s Root Beer*

W: Welcome back to Oscar’s Revenge Week here at Warlock’s Movie Realm. Tonight we’re taking a look at the runner up for Best Picture in 1945 and the sequel to the winner of Best Picture in 1944, THE BELLS OF ST MARY’S.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*

N: What?

W: Remember when you and I did Going My Way starring Bing Crosby?

N: Yeah.

W: The sequel came out the following year and came within an eyelash of winning Best Picture too. Hollywood thought the feature length public service announcement for the horrors of alcoholism were better when The Lost Weekend took home Best Picture honors in 1945. Now we get to see if the sequel to Going My Way is at least somewhat decent.

N: What’s it about?

W: Almost the same thing. Bing has to save another church I guess.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: So let’s get started with THE BELLS OF ST. MARY’S.

 

Written by Dudley Nichols and Leo McCarey

Directed by Leo McCarey

 

Cast:

Father Chuck O’Malley (Bing Crosby)

Sister Mary Benedict (Ingrid Bergman)

Horace P Bogardus (Henry Travers)

Joe Gallagher (William Gargan)

Sister Michael (Ruth Donnelly)

Patsy Gallagher (Joan Carroll)

Mary Gallagher (Martha Sleeper)

Dr. McKay (Rhys Williams)

Eddie Breen (Dickie Tyler)

Mrs. Breen (Una O’Connor)

Baby Jesus (Edward Coch Jr)

Nuns (Aina Constant, Gwen Crawford, Eva Novak)

Luther (Jimmy Crane)

Bobby (Bobby Dolan Jr)

Cabbie (Jimmie Dundee)

Tommy Smith (Bobby Frasco)

Sporting Goods Salesman (Matt McHugh)

Schoolgirl (Peggy McKim)

Extra (Georgie Nokes)

Workman (Joe Palma)

Pedestrian (Dewey Robinson)

Elderly Woman (Cora Shannon)

Choir Member (John Smith)

Blind Man (Pietro Sosso)

Landlady (Minerva Urecal)

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “At a big city Catholic school, Father O’Malley and Sister Benedict indulge in friendly rivalry and succeed in extending the school through the gift of a building.”

N: This shit again?

 

*Opening credits*

W: It won’t be quick but hopefully it’ll be painless.

 

*Movie opens with Father Chuck O’Malley walking into a church. The maid answers and lets him in. She says the Father was hauled off that morning*

W: Wow, guess the church is his already.

 

*The maid says Father Fogerty was driven to an early death by the church. Chuck says he didn’t anticipate any trouble. The maid says he’s in for it*

W: I didn’t know this was going to be a horror movie.

 

*Chuck checks out the church yard before ringing the bell. He rang the wrong bell, he rang the school bell. The sister tells him that’s to let children know school is ready. Sam the Gardener says hi*

W: Ha, imagine the kids in town going “Huh what? School?”

 

*Chuck sits on a cat*

N: Oh no.

 

*The sister tells Chuck she’s going to fetch Mother Superior. Various nuns walk in and he has to get up and greet all of them*

W: Ha.

 

*Sister Mary Benedict greets Chuck*

W: Ingrid Bergman as a nun.

 

*Chuck cuts a promo saying times are tough, they’re working hard and he’s there to help. During the speech the cat walks around in Chuck’s hat, the sisters all laugh at him until he finally turns around and sees the cat. The bill rings before he can finish his speech*

W: The cat wins Best Supporting Actor.

N: Yeah really.

 

*Kids outside say the Pledge of Allegiance*

W: They left out “under God”

N: Good.

 

*Chuck tells the kids to all go home*

W: Hahahahaha that was easy.

 

*Mary is shocked he did that and says the kids are liable to get into mischief. Chuck says he’ll call the Super and give him the day off too*

W: Hahahahaha. “You did what?? Oh…okay, see you tomorrow. Yahoo!”

 

*Chuck says the school he grew up in was in the country. Mary says she was born in Sweden and she loves the winter. Chuck looks at the building construction going on and the sisters say they depleted their savings to remodel the church. Chuck “Looks like St. Mary’s is in a bad way.”

W: Ya think?

 

*The sister say they pray that Horace P Bogardus will give them money when a car blares its horn. The man yells at all the kids, its Horace. The sisters run off and say good luck with him. Horace tells Chuck to severely discipline the kids and calls them brats. Chuck says he’s been sent to negotiate with him. Horace says if Chuck doesn’t sell out, the place will be condemned*

W: Clarence is a heel? Say it ain’t so.

 

*Horace says the church is a fire trap. Horace says he’s got a bad ticker so he’ll drive Chuck to St. Victor’s. Horace says take your time but better sell out. Some woman comes up to him and says she wants to put her daughter to school there. Chuck says that can be arranged. The woman says she ran away from home to get married and the guy ran off on him to play piano in Cincinnati. The woman says she’s been supporting her daughter by herself by awful means for years and her daughter is getting old enough to figure it out. She is Mary and she wants the daughter Patricia to go to school there, he says he’ll take care of her if the woman takes care of herself*

W: Finally a plot.

 

*Eddie takes Patricia’s bags for her as Chuck says they’ll set her up with Mr. Breen. Patricia is actually a teenager and wearing makeup. She says she wanted to quit school and get a job. Chuck wipes the makeup off and tells her to enjoy her youth*

W: The more young priests the better.

 

*Sister Mary tells Patricia she’s falling behind in her studies. Patsy says she’s a featherhead*

W: A what?

N: A featherhead.

 

*Patsy and Mary lock eyes and Mary realizes something’s wrong with Patsy’s relationship with her mother. Sister Mary tells Chuck she’s not doing well and there’s a bad home life. Sister Mary knows Chuck is holding out on her when he only gives vague details about what he knows about Patsy’s parents. All of a sudden a schoolyard brawl breaks out*

W: Clown hour.

 

*Chuck breaks up the fight after Eddie gets his clocked cleaned. Chuck playfully declares Tommy the winner and jokes around with him. Mary is appalled after Eddie and Tommy are sent away, Sister Mary says he better speak to Tommy because he’s new and a troublemaker. Mary says if he keeps it up, he’ll be sent away. Chuck says they’re better off correcting the problem instead of sending him away. Mary and Chuck get into a philosophical battle over how to raise children. Mary says Chuck can look after Tommy and she’ll look after Eddie. Mary patches up Eddie as he says Tommy tripped and hit him. Eddie says he turned the other cheek and Mary calls him a very good boy*

W: Schoolyard bullies, I hate him.

 

*Mary says Eddie is the better man. Eddie says he doesn’t feel like it. Eddie doesn’t want to go to school today and Mary sends him away. We cut to Sister Mary holding a baseball bat in a sporting goods store with the owner looking at her. She greets him and says she wants a book on boxing. He pulls out one by James J Corbett*

W: You know who that is?

N: No.

W: John L Sullivan was the first recognized heavyweight boxing champion in the late 1800’s. Corbett was the one who beat him for the title.

N: Useless information from Warlock.

 

*Owner says Corbett won 10 straight fights until Fitzsimmons knocked him out*

W: Bob Fitzsimmons was the first fighter to jump from middleweight to become heavyweight champion.

N: More useless information.

 

*Mary asks if Fitzsimmons wrote a book*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Owner says Mr. Tunney wrote one and its on sale for a dollar*

W: Gene Tunney. Won the heavyweight title by knocking out Jack Dempsey, the embodiment of the roaring 20’s. My grandfather says he met Tunney once.

 

*Mary plays with a baseball after buying the book and comes back to Chuck reading the bible. We cut to Mary preparing to teach Eddie how to box*

W: Ha, look at this.

 

*Mary teaches Eddie how to bob and weave. He says this is better than turning the other cheek and it catches Mary off guard. She tells Eddie to keep his mouth closed during a fight and how to parry punches. She hugs Eddie and tells him he’s clumsy but its her fault because she forgot to teach him footwork*

W: Doofus!

 

*Mary tells him to give her his best shot and she dodges a series of punches but eats a right hook*

N: Oh shit.

 

*Eddie apologies and says she forgot her footwork. She says she forgot everything and laughs about it*

W: Ha!

 

*Next morning Chuck spots Eddie jump-roping*

W: He’s in training.

 

*Chuck tells Patsy to sit down. Patsy wants to quit school and get a job. Chuck says she has no skills. Patsy says she’s not very bright and Chuck disagrees. Sister Benedict wants her to know the 5 senses*

W: Sight, sound, feel, hear and….

N: Taste.

W: Yes, that one.

 

*Chuck goes on a soliloquy on the 5 senses and Patsy tells him to go on. Chuck goes to the piano and sings a song. Warlock gets up and dances*

N: Will you sit down? I can hear my grandmother singing this.

 

*Chuck “Aren’t you glad you’re youuuuuu”

W: I’m very glad.

N: Not everything is about you.

 

*Patsy tells Chuck she feels better as Chuck leaves. Next morning is complete chaos in Sister Mary’s classroom. She makes everyone sit down but a cartoon on the board says its a holiday. Nobody wants to admit who did it when Chuck walks in. Luther wants to give his essay on the 5 senses and Chuck asks how he got there. Mary “We never knew”

W: He just walked in off the street.

 

*Luther wants to see a good movie*

W: Me too.

 

*Luther gives his presentation*

N: Why does he look like Steven Tyler?

W: No, he wasn’t born yet. Probably Mick Jagger.

 

*Patsy wants to give an essay on the six senses. The last is to “be” the sixth sense is to be able to enjoy the 5 senses the right way*

W: The kid behind her looks bored as hell.

 

*Mary gives Chuck a dirty look and brings up Hamlet’s To Be Or Not To Be*

W: Hamlet was talking about killing himself you dope.

 

*The bell rings and Chuck says he learned something. Mary is going to give her an A+ for her speech. Mary says Patsy has the mindset of a man his age. Chuck says he has the sense of knowing when to leave*

W: Run like hell.

 

*Eddie is on the see-saw by himself when Tommy trips him. Eddie smiles at Mary and starts boxing with Tommy. Mary cheers him on with Chuck watching from afar. Tommy swings and misses*

W: Wow, he’s throwing some bombs.

 

*Eddie takes instructions from Mary from the inside and knocks Tommy down with an uppercut. He does the Ali Shuffle and picks up Tommy, offering him to buy some ice cream. Tommy says 2 scoops and gives him a hug*

W: Oh come on.

 

*Chuck asks Mary what’s that about and Mary dances around the subject*

N: Checkmate though, he’s helping the little girl.

 

*Chuck sings in church with the kids*

W: I know his voice a mile away.

 

*Mary says they’re making too much noise and Chuck says they’re practicing for her Christmas play. Mary says they’re going to use something different for music. A kindergardener named Bobby is writing it. Mary says every night its a surprise for her, Chuck says they’ll forget everything in front of the parents. Bobby puts on a Nativity play*

W: Oh I get it, its a Nativity scene.

 

*Bobby goes to ask for a place to stay but the boy playing the innkeeper says the line too early. Bobby “I aint even asked ya yet, go back inside and try it again”

W: Hahahahahahahaha

 

*A toddler named Jimmy walks out and Mary says to get out of there. The curtain raises and the toddlers put on the Nativity scene*

W: Imagine if any one of these kids became stars.

 

*Chuck asks them to sing and they sing Happy Birthday to Jesus*

W: Hahahahahahahhaahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

 

*Chuck says the simplicity is beautiful. He doesn’t want to change a word they said*

N: You’re having too much fun with this.

 

*Horace tells Chuck there will be no more St. Mary’s. The girls play stickball and Mary shows Patsy how to swing the bat right. Patsy then hits a rocket through Horace’s window. They all scatter and Horace complains*

W: Hahahahahaha.

 

*Chuck leaves Horace alone with Sister Michael and Sister Mary. Chuck says do their best and Horace says he’ll pay for it. Mary envisions what Horace’s new building would look like if it was fully remodeled and full of children. Mary says the lord must have built it and Horace says two thieves built it*

W: Hahahaha even better.

 

*Mary says the building will live long after Horace is dust. He looks mortified*

W: Picture what?

N: When I’m dust.

 

*Mary thinks Horace will donate the building instead of buy them out*

W: Ha!

 

*Mary tells the other sisters Horace will just donate the building. Chuck walks out “What’s all the excitement, Notre Dame win?”

W: Ha!

 

*Horace is working too hard according to Dr. McKay. The construction guys bully Horace into giving them overtime*

W: Those damn Teamsters.

 

*McKay tells Horace to take it easy when the church choir starts singing. Horace says they’re ruining him and breaks the glass the construction guys just insult. Chuck runs in and asks what’s going on. Horace wants Chuck to get them to stop singing and McKay says Horace’s nerves are shot. Chuck starts singing too*

W: Go Bing.

 

*Horace envisions the kids in a class and says he needs to go home. McKay “Now you’re making sense.” We cut to Chuck visiting Mary Gallagher. He tells her that he found Patsy’s father, Joe. He found him through the Musician’s Union*

W: There’s a union?

 

*Chuck says he’s out in the hall and Mary is all flustered. Mary says its a big moment for her, she hasn’t seen him in 13 years. Chuck says he hasn’t been on ice all this time. Chuck brings Joe in. Mary “Hello”, Joe “Hello”, Chuck “Goodbye”

W: Hahahaha

 

*Joe and Mary catch up and makes Joe play the piano. Mary doesn’t remember the song but Chuck remembers. Its “In the Land of the Beginning Again.” Joe plays and Chuck sing*

W: What do you think of the song?

N: I don’t know.

W: Oh you’re REAL fun.

 

*Mary brings the girls all in to try on dresses and Patsy gets heckled for having the prettiest dress. The girls joke around that they could flunk as Patsy wants to bring her dress to her mother. Patsy gets in the elevator when Joe walks in it. He offers her gum*

W: That’s her father, I don’t think either of them know it.

 

*Mary goes over test scores. Patsy is the only one left in class after everyone else leaves. Mary tells her times up and turn in her test. Chuck walks in and asks what her marks were. She passed all but one, Patsy’s test is blank. Chuck says to go easy on her and Mary says the honor of the school is more important. Mary “Do you believe in just passing everybody.” Chuck “Well yeah”

W: God’s will.

 

*Chuck goes on a rant saying he knew kids that had the best marks turn out average. He knew another kid that stayed back 3 times and was really dumb but founded Hathaway Shipyards. Chuck says to pass Patsy and Mary says that’s unfair to the kids that did their best*

W: He’s giving her the puppy dog eyes.

 

*Mary says she’ll pass Patsy if Chuck orders it but her marks stay the same. Patsy walks in and returns the dress, knowing she failed. She says she’ll do better next year and leaves. Chuck says he’s not ordering Mary to do anything, what she does is up to her*

W: The mystery continues.

 

*Chuck plays basketball with the boys. Luther hits a layup*

W: Nice layup.

 

*Mary is sick and Chuck runs in to see what’s wrong. Mary knows Chuck went over her head to suggest tearing down St. Mary’s and sending the kids to St. Victor’s. Chuck says they have to face facts. Mary says they tried so hard to ignore the facts*

W: 39 minutes left.

 

*Dr. McKay comes in and Chuck says he’s Horace’s doctor*

W: “I’m done for.”

 

*McKay say Horace is a mess and taking care of him is a full time job. McKay wants to give Mary a checkup, Mary says she’s just tired. McKay wants to figure out what the cause is and he tells her to get some rest. Chuck says Horace needs rest too. McKay pulls Chuck aside and says she’s running a temperature and there’s no way Horace is going to give the building to Mary*

W: Yeah that ain’t happening.

 

*Chuck knows Horace has a bad heart and says a man he knew was given 6 months to live. The man started doing good things and lived to be 90*

W: Was he 89?

 

*Chuck finds Horace on the street and Horace says he just came from McKay. Horace says if he could live his life over, he’d do things differently. He gives money to a blind man and says life is beautiful*

W: Don’t tell me McKay told him he had 6 months to live just to get him to be charitable.

 

*Chuck says he passes this way but once as a stray dog almost gets hit by a car. Horace runs into the street to save the dog and bring him to safety*

N: Its a babies!

 

*Horace helps an old lady onto a bus*

W: He’s on fire.

 

*The dog follows Horace into church*

N: Its the cutest.

 

*Mary spots Horace and the dog, the dog yawns*

N: Yup.

 

*The dog makes human noises*

W: Oh god, don’t tell me its the Son of Sam.

 

*Horace and Mary pet the dog and she says animals love him. Horace says people don’t and he never had any kids of his own, never liked them and they never liked him. Horace says he’s been selfish his whole life and lately has been giving that a lot of thought. Horace wants to give her the building and Mary laughs*

W: 29 minutes left.

 

*Horace says he’ll draw up the papers right away and Mary says the children will love him. Mary shuts the door and we hear tires screech*

W: Noo….noooo…no way.

 

*Mary runs out and Horace as been hit by car. He gets up and says he’s fine and the dog is okay too*

W: That scared the shit out of me. Props to the movie.

 

*Chuck walks in to hear Mary singing and playing the piano*

W: This is the second movie I’ve seen her in and she’s pretty versatile.

 

*Chuck says to play Birmingham Bertha*

W: HA! My grandfather knew that one.

 

*Chuck sings The Bell’s of St Mary’s*

W: He’s singing the theme song.

 

*McKay is there to see Chuck and says Mary needs to go to Arizona for a while. She’s got early stage tuberculosis*

W: Ohhhh shit, I don’t think penicillin was big yet.

 

*McKay says Mary can’t know about it because there is treatment and it would work better if she has vitality. Chuck says he can’t just lie to her and they need her here.*

W: Hey Neyz, you know why people don’t drop dead of tuberculosis anymore? VACCINES!

N: I’m not an anti-vaxxer.

W: I know, just saying.

 

*Mary breathes heavy as she sets up the classroom in the new building. Chuck watches her concerned when she starts moving things around*

W: 21 minutes remaining.

N: Stop that.

 

*McKay told Mary she had nothing to worry about and nothing wrong with her*

W: A doctor lied to his patient. If she dropped dead, McKay would be thrown in jail.

 

*Chuck will make a public speech to thank Horace. Mary says not to make it too long to bore the kids. Chuck says to write the speech and Mary says they better not have a misunderstanding next year. Mary brings up Patsy and says they have to do things that aren’t easy. Chuck says speaking of not easy, Sister Michael is taking charge next year. Mary is horrified*

W: He had to tell her she’s out.

 

*Mary asks if she’ll be Michael’s assistant, Chuck says he’s sorry but she’s being transferred. Mary is solemn and says we shouldn’t become too attached to one place and if she’s around children, she’ll be happy. Mary asks if Chuck is behind this and if she’ll be able to attend graduation. Chuck says yes, she’ll be there*

W: Should have just told her.

 

*Chuck picks up the James J Corbett book*

W: I want that book.

 

*At graduation, the girls dance outside as Patsy watches inside. Joe and Mary Gallagher are there to see Patsy and she hides. Sister Mary asks who they are and Patsy says that’s her mother, she’s there to see her graduate. Patsy never told her she wasn’t graduating because she’s been out of town. Mary says if they don’t fail sometimes, their successes won’t mean anything*

W: Uh huh.

 

*Mary says she’ll tell Patsy’s mother and Patsy goes off on everyone before apologizing and hugs her. Patsy wants to be a nun and Mary wants to know what’s wrong. Mary says you don’t become a nun to run away from things, you do it because you found something*

W: Yeah…God.

 

*Patsy wants to be like Mary and Mary says she’ll be better off in high school. Going to parties, football games and prom*

W: Especially in the 50’s. Grease is the word.

N: Not even close.

 

*Mary says her marks aren’t good enough anyway and Patsy admits she failed on purpose. Mary figures out Patsy tanked it so she didn’t have to leave the school. Patsy says not even Chuck knows, she could have aced the test if she wanted to. Chuck shows up with Joe and Mary Gallagher and introduces everyone. Patsy glares at them both and Joe says to give him a chance. Mary Gallagher says everything will be different now, they’ll have a real home. She won’t be lonely anymore. Patsy breaks and hugs her asking if Joe is her real father. Joe says he is and they’re there to watch her graduate. Mary says she’ll be graduating shortly and leaves with Patsy. Mary Gallagher asks how Patsy’s marks were and a confused Chuck says exceptional*

W: Nice touch.

 

*Pomp and Circumstance plays as the girls walk down the isle*

W: Ooohhhh yeah the Macho Man is on the way!

N: Uh uh.

 

*Chuck says its great day today during his speech*

N: A great day to fart.

W: My father would have approved of that joke.

 

*Chuck thanks Horace and puts over how nice he is. Horace whispers to McKay that its deductible*

W: Pleeease.

 

*Chuck wishes the graduating kids well and its been a long 8 years for them. He says if they ever need help, call him*

W: The miracle worker.

 

*A downtrodden Sister Mary prepares to leave*

W: I like how they reversed it. This time its the nun taking a hike and Chuck stays.

 

*Chuck asks the nuns where Mary is and they say in the chapel. Mary cries and prays to God to remove all bitterness from her heart*

N: Ughhhh

 

*Mary walks out and everyone says goodbye. She says her heart will always be at St. Mary’s. Afterwards Chuck has a second thought and says he has to tell the truth. He tells her she has tuberculosis and Mary smiles. She thanks him and says she’s very happy now*

W: Yeah, you told her the real reason why she’s being sent away. That’s why you don’t lie.

 

*Mary says she’ll get well and call Chuck. Mary walks off and Chuck smiles. The End*

W: Woah that’s loud.

 

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I give it a 5, not my cup of tea.

The Warlock’s Assessment: For what it was, I give it a 7. The story is great, the acting is great and the singing is pretty good. It didn’t try to be Going My Way and that’s a good thing. Bringing in Ingrid Bergman to play the lead gave the movie even more credibility than it already had. That’s like if there was a Forrest Gump 2 with Meryl Streep playing the new love interest. Its worth a watch for sure.

Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: I can say right here and now this movie is nowhere close to being as good as The Lost Weekend but its still watchable. It didn’t suffer from Son of Kong syndrome but it still didn’t replicate the first movie too much. As I mentioned before, bringing in Ingrid Bergman to co-star with Bing gave the movie instant credibility since Ingrid was one of the biggest actresses at the time. I definitely recommend giving this a watch even if its not as good as Going My Way or The Lost Weekend for that matter. That about wraps up another edition of Oscar’s Revenge Week here at Warlock’s Movie Realm. Now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

429. Gaslight (1944)

*The Warlock appears on screen wearing a tuxedo t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

W: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to another edition of Oscar’s Revenge Week here at Warlock’s Movie Realm.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*

N: Revenge for what?

W: I don’t know, just sounded good in my head.

N: You’re a legend in your own mind.

W: Why I aughtta….anyway rather than torture us all with a month dedicated to this, I figure a nice 7 day week leading up to Christmas would be nice and neat. Some of the movies are going to be direct sequels to some of the winners while other are going to be runner ups to winners.

N: So what are we doing tonight?

W: Remember you and I did Going My Way that won Best Picture in 1944 with Bing Crosby as the Priest?

N: There was a sequel to that?

W: Yes…but that’s not what we’re doing. Tonight we will be watching the movie that came in second place, the 1944 film noir crime mystery GASLIGHT.

N: Oh wonderful.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: The movie is going to figure a young Angela Lansbury and the events of the movie are where the term “gaslighting” comes from in today’s terminology.

N: Say what?

W: So let’s find out if GASLIGHT was better or a good runner up to Going My Way.

 

Written by John Van Druten, Walter Reisch, John L Balderston, Patrick Hamilton

Directed by George Cukor

 

Cast:

Gregory Anton (Charles Boyer)

Paula Alquist (Ingrid Bergman)

Brian Cameron (Joseph Cotten)

Miss Thwaites (May Whitty)

Nancy (Angela Lansbury)

Elizabeth (Barbara Evrest)

Maestro Guardi (Emil Rameau)

General Huddleston (Edmund Breon)

Mr. Muffin (Halliwell Hobbes)

Williams (Tom Stevenson)

Lady Dalroy (Heather Thatcher)

Lord Dalroy (Lawrence Grossmith)

Pianist (Jakob Gimpel)

Policemen (Harry Adams, Pat Malone, Joseph North)

Young Girls (Lassie Lou Ahern, Alix Terry, Phyllis Yuse)

Cab Men (John Ardizoni, Antonio D’Amore, Jack Kirk, Al Masiello, Joseph Romantini, Guy Zanette)

Footman (Arnold Bennett)

Pedestrians (Frank Baker, Wilson Benge, Florence Benson, Tom Hughes)

Butler (Arthur Blake)

Lady (Lillian Bronson)

Guide (Leonard Carey)

Turnkey (Alec Craig)

Singing Flower Vendor (Wynne Davis)

Lamplighters (Frank Eldredge, Bobbie Hale)

Extras (Maude Fealy, Al Ferguson, Clive Morgan, Elsie Prescott)

Boy (George Nokes)

Franchette (Helen Flint)

Servant (Gibson Gowland)

Boy in Park (Gary Gray)

Stranger (Roger Gray)

Laura Pritchard (Joy Harington)

Wilkins (Charles McNaughton)

Paula age 14 (Terry Moore)

Museum Boy (Tarquin Olivier)

Baggage Clerk (Syd Saylor)

Durkin (Arthur Stone)

Fred Garrett (Morgan Wallace)

Valet (Eric Wilton)

Budge (Eustace Wyatt)

 

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “Years after her aunt was murdered in her home, a young woman moves back into the house with her new husband. However, he has a secret that he will do anything to protect, even if it means driving his wife insane.”

N: The term “gaslighting” came from this movie.

 

*Opening credits with opera singing*

W: Ha, Murder She Wrote.

 

*Victorian mansion with lamps being gas lit*

N: The actual gaslights.

 

*Thornton Square Murders unsolved*

W: Afoot!

 

*Paula is shown with a man in a top hat telling her to go see Guardi in Italy*

W: No I wouldn’t like that.

 

*Paula sings opera with Guardi*

N: This was supposed to be the 1870’s.

W: Victorian era.

 

*Anton playing the piano leaves and Paula wants to talk to Guardi*

N: Verrrrry seriously.

 

*Guardi says she has the voice but not the heart. Paula says she’s in love and its the first time*

W: She’s in love with Humphrey Bogart.

N: They’re always have Paris.

 

*Paula thanks Guardi for understanding*

N: Don’t forget your little hat.

 

*Paula is in love with Gregory Anton and she knows nothing about him. She’s afraid of being happy and Gregory says he’ll wait for her. Paula says she’s only known him two weeks*

W: Two weeks?

 

*Paula is on the train*

W: Train kept a rollin, all night long.

 

*Old lady really gets in the book she’s reading, 6 bodies are buried in the cellar and its a very good book. Her nickname is Bloodthirsty Bessie*

W: Hahahahahahaha

N: That’s funny.

 

*Bessie lives in Thornton Square and brings up the murder of Alice Alquist and nobody found the killer or motive. Paula is completely grossed out*

W: This is the coolest old lady ever.

 

*Bessie is Mrs. Thwaites and she says look her up sometime. Gregory and Paula kiss as Bessie says “Well!”

N: Sit down Bessie.

 

*Gregory is at his mansion in Italy*

N: Can we have one of those?

 

*Gregory and Paula talk by the lake*

N: Her hair is a mess in this movie.

 

*Gregory kisses Paula and says they need to settle down. Paula wants Paris but Gregory wants London. Gregory wants to settle down in a house in a square. Paula says Alice Alquist was her aunt and she was killed at 9 Thornton Square. Paula says the house is a horror house. Gregory sneers*

W: Look at his expression.

 

*Bessie interacts with the kids before a local water man turns the water on for 9 Thornton Square. Gregory and Paula will be moving in and Bessie is delighted. She leaves and Gregory opens the creaky door*

W: What a swell place for a moider.

 

*Gregory checks out the place. Paula tells him to light the gas*

N: Not in that dusty ass house.

 

*Paula remembers the good times. Paula brings up Alice’s performance past and unveils a giant painting of Alice. She found Alice dead in front of the painting, strangled*

W: Sherlock Holmes wasn’t around yet?

 

*Paula gets freaked out and doesn’t want to stay. Gregory says to get rid of all the stuff so they can start fresh*

W: He’s got a point.

 

*Gregory “Where can we put all these things.”

W: On the roof.

 

*Paula “We have an attic under the roof”

W: Close enough.

 

*Gregory plays piano*

W: “I get to know kick from Ukraineeeee”

N: Ha.

 

*Paula finds a letter to Alice from Sergis Bauer saying he loves her. Paula says the letter was sent two days before Alice was murdered and Gregory pops up like Popeye demanding to know who sent the letter. He snatches it out of her hand*

W: Gee, talk about a dead giveway.

 

*Gregory tries to play off saying the letter doesn’t upset him. Outside Bessie talks with Elizabeth*

W: What is she, the town busybody?

 

*Gregory hires Nancy to be the maid*

W and N: THAT’S ANGELA LANSBURY???

 

*Elizabeth is the new cook and Nancy is the maid. She calls Elizabeth a tarter*

W: She’s got the North London accent going.

N: Yeah, the cockneyed.

 

*Gregory introduces Paula to Nancy. Gregory presents Paula with a brioche and she’ll wear it always. Gregory says she’s inclined to lose things. Paula has no idea what he’s talking about*

N: See, that’s gaslighting, make them feel like they’re going crazy when they’re not.

 

*Nancy asks if Paula is sick, Elizabeth has no idea*

W: How do you not have an idea?

 

*Gregory takes Paula to a medieval setting where a museum tour guide explains how beheadings work*

W: He keeps putting her in situations where she confronts murder.

 

*Brian spots Gregory and Paula and his kids say he looks like he’s seen a ghost. Brian says he’s seen them before. Gregory pulls her aside and calls her suspicious, absent minded and forgetful*

N: See, he’s putting ideas in her head that aren’t there. He’s creating doubt and lack of self worth, that’s gaslighting.

 

*Gregory goes on a creepy rant about jewels*

W: There’s Jerry Lawler’s crown.

N: Ha!

 

*Brian spots Gregory and Paula and thinks. Meanwhile Elizabeth gives Nancy a tour of the mansion. Paula looks for the charm and Gregory asks her to hand it over to him*

W: He took it earlier.

N: I know, it was all part of his plan.

 

*Paula doubts her memory and Gregory snidely tells her not to worry*

W: The master plan in motion.

 

*Paula continues to doubt herself when she says Elizabeth turned on the lights and Nancy says she’s been in bed for an hour. Paula hears footsteps in the attic and we cut to Brian staring at 9 Thornton. Bessie introduces herself to him and says the house has been occupied for 5 months. Bessie tells Brian the couple never leaves the house, or at least Paula doesn’t. Brian says she’s wrong because Paula walked out. Paula tells Nancy she’s going for a walk and Nancy says Gregory will want to know where. Paula runs back inside as Bessie says Nancy is pretty odd and likes the local policeman*

W: All sorts of clues.

 

*Scotland Yard is shown and Brian wants to reopen the Alquist case. General Huddleston says not to bother reopening the case. Williams doesn’t like it and leaves. Brian says he knew Alice Alquist personally and she was beautiful and he has a bad feeling something isn’t right. Jewels were given to Alice but they disappeared. Brian figures out that’s why she was murdered. Huddleston has no idea where the jewels are and Brian finds Williams again. Brian asks where Williams is on duty and Williams doesn’t like where he is at, Brian says he’ll get him someplace better*

W: He’s gonna need backup.

 

*Paula tries not to wake a napping Gregory. Gregory is just pretending and tells her to call the maid. Paula doesn’t want to and Gregory snaps at her that they’ve been over this. Its the servants job to do things and Paula says not to be cross with her. Nancy walks in and Gregory tells her that Paula wants her to put coal on the fire. He subtlety calls Nancy hot and says she can teach Paula a few things on how to be beautiful. Paula cries and says Nancy despises her and Gregory encourages her*

W: Damn right.

 

*Gregory says Paula is imagining things again*

W: Again?

N: What a dick.

 

*Nancy walks in and says Bessie is there. Gregory tells Nancy to tell her that Paula isn’t there. Paula says that’s a lie and Gregory snaps “I will not have people over this house.”

W: That’s not even his house.

N: See, that’s Gaslighting.

 

*Paula protests and Gregory says “You should have told me you wanted to see her.”

N: See?

 

*Gregory says they’re going out tonight and Paula says she must have forgotten. Gregory calls her a silly child*

W: He did it again.

 

*Gregory says they’re going to the theater and Paula celebrates. Gregory says “See, you’re not a prisoner.” Gregory plays Strauss on the piano and Paula sings and dances*

N: What a piece of shit.

 

*Gregory stops playing and glares at Paula. Gregory literally makes himself angry that a picture has been taken down. Gregory tells her to get it back from where she stole it and put it back. Elizabeth comes in and Gregory lights the lamps. He asks if she took the picture down and Elizabeth kisses the bible, saying she’s never touched it. Gregory brings in Nancy and Gregory brilliantly manipulates her into thinking its all her fault, blaming the servants*

N: Wow, he’s good.

 

*Nancy says she didn’t take it down and swears on the bible. Gregory coldly tell her to find the picture*

W: This was the 1870’s, he could backhand her all he wanted and it was within the law at the time.

 

*Nancy finds the picture on the staircase and Gregory says she knew where it was the whole time*

W: This is hard to watch.

 

*Gregory says this proves she’s not well enough for the theater*

W: This is the greatest manipulation I’ve ever seen.

 

*Paula freaks out and says she’s frightened of the house and begs him not to leave. She begs and he nonchalantly says he hopes he finds her better in the morning*

N: He’s like nope, “goodnight bitch.”

W: If he doesn’t get his comeuppance I’m going to be very upset.

 

*Nancy says Paula is getting worse and Gregory says not to call her “she”*

W: What’s he want, “it”?

 

*Nancy says he’s going to a musical with a friend and Gregory says she shouldn’t be going out with friends. Nancy says she can take care of herself and turns his innuendo around on him*

N: Ooooh he’s trying to get it on with Angela Lansbury.

 

*Gregory walks down the street*

N: I love the walls and the lamps. So vintage, so European.

 

*Paula hears footstep*

W: Could record players play footstep records?

N: Mmmhmmm.

 

*Brian is invited to the Dalroy House. Murdock is the butler for Lady and Lord Dalroy. Lady wants Brian too hook up with Laura Pritchard. Brian says she wants Paula Alquist next to him. She has no idea who Gregory Anton is or what his background was. He’s coming to the dinner alone without Paula. Brian is sad*

W: He’ll get to the bottom of this.

 

*Paula comes downstairs in full gown*

N: Her waist is insane.

W: From her corsets?

N: Yeah, like three of them.

 

*Paula says she’s going to the party and she must get out of the house. Gregory says she’ll go alone and Paula says that’s fine, thwarting Gregory*

W: What do you think of that motherfucker?

 

*Gregory says he didn’t know the party meant so much to her, he’ll change and be down in a minute*

N: He’s gonna take too long.

 

*Nancy walks in and Paula tells her to fetch a cab. Nancy didn’t think she was going and asks if Gregory is going too. Paula says yes and Nancy is sad*

W: She’s not even trying to hide.

 

*Gregory has a sinister look as we cut to Nancy shouting for a cab. Williams walks up and asks what’s going on. Nancy says the people she works for are nuts. She reveals Williams is her boyfriend and he walks off. Gregory and Paula enter the horse and carriage. We cut to Dalroy’s house for the live entertainment*

W: *Pretends to headbang*

N: Hahaha stop it.

 

*Paula remembers Lady Dalroy well and Gregory apologizes for being late. Lady Dalroy nods her head at Brian as the piano player warms up*

W: At first I was afraid…I was petrified.

N: Hahahaha shut up.

 

*Piano player tilts to the side as Gregory eyeballs Brian*

W: Even the piano player is falling asleep.

 

*Gregory pretends that his watch is gone and glares at Paula. He goes through her bag and finds it*

N: Did he slip it in there?

W: Yes.

N: When?

W: He probably slipped it in before they even went out.

 

*Brian and Lady Dalroy look over at them. Paula cries and the entire crowd turns and looks at her*

W: It would be brilliant if she did this on purpose.

 

*Gregory tells Lady Dalroy that Paula is sick and needs to go home. Brian follows them home. Gregory scolds her up and down and Paula asks if he thinks she’s insane. Paula calls him on it and knows he’s been acting like this since she found the letter from Sergis Bauer. Gregory says she never had a letter and her mother died in insane asylum. He says what’s happening to her mother is happening to her*

W: He is DAMN good.

N: And he’s quick on his feet.

 

*Gregory says she only went to see Brian and demand to know who he is. Paula says she has no idea who he is and Gregory calls her a liar. Gregory says she’s not lying, she just forgot like she forgets everything*

N: Why does she sound drunk?

W: Yeah really, did he drug her or something?

 

*Brian tails Gregory as he leaves. Gregory looks around paranoid*

W: Some of his own medicine.

 

*Williams shows up and scares Gregory*

W: Haha nice touch.

 

*A cat meows*

W: Awww der smittens.

 

*Gregory drops his cigar and Brian picks it up*

W: DNA test in 1870.

 

*Williams and Gregory meet up and they say Gregory got away. Williams says the only place he could have gone is apartment 5. Paula hears footsteps*

W: Oh I get it, he’s going into Apartment 5 and walking around to fuck with Paula.

N: That’s some sick twisted shit.

 

*Paula freaks out and shouts for Elizabeth. Paula asks if Elizabeth turned on the gas and Elizabeth says no, no one is there but her*

W: 33 minutes to go.

 

*Paula hears commotion overhead but Elizabeth hears nothing*

W: That’s right, she’s deaf. Plays right into Gregory’s hands.

 

*Elizabeth says Paula is just imagining things*

W: Oooooh.

 

*Brian goes over the layout of the Thornton complex when Williams comes in. He says he saw Gregory coming out of the complex all dirty*

W: Yup.

 

*Williams gives intel that Gregory told Nancy that Paula could be going away for a while. Brian and Williams come up with a plan*

W: Better come up with it quick.

 

*Paula tries to read a book but keeps hearing Gregory’s voice in her head telling her her mother went mad. Brian barges in on Elizabeth and Paula staggers downstairs telling him to go. Brian hands her gloves that used to belong to Alice saying he’s an old friend. Brian asks if she’s going away and Paula says she has nowhere to go unless Gregory says her. Paula is afraid she’s going crazy and Brian says he’s there to prove that she’s not. He asks where Gregory is*

N: Ohhhhhh

 

*Paula says he went away to work. Brian says he saw the gas go down and Paula is relieved that he saw it too. She tells him once her husband leaves for the night, she hears things. Brian says things start to happen when he leaves and they stop when he comes back*

W: She didn’t think for one second that he could have been doing it?

N: That’s why they call it “gaslighting”

 

*Brian asks who’s in the attic and Paula says no one. Brian says Gregory is up there, he enters through Apartment 5 and goes to the roof. Brian hears someone in the attic and says “I thought the case was closed.”

W: Here we go.

 

*Gregory is going through Alice’s stuff in the attic. Brian asks if Gregory is armed and she says he has a revolver in his desk. Paula is scared when he opens the desk but spots the letter she saw to Sergis Bauer. The revolver case is empty. Brian says Sergis Bauer was a young pianist who played with Alice in Prague. They find a letter from Gregory to Dalroy and its in the same handwriting of Sergis Bauer. Brian says Sergis IS Gregory and that he’s systematically driving her insane so he can take control of the house and search for Alice’s jewels. The night Alice was murdered Sergis spotted Paula as a little girl. Brian deducts this was a plan ever since by Gregory to do this to her*

W: The plot revealed.

 

*Gregory goes to leave when he spots something. He finds the jewels on Alice’s old dress. Brian tells Elizabeth that Gregory won’t be coming back. Gregory comes back through the attic and Paula is in her room. He runs into another room and pockets them. He goes to open his desk and realizes someone pried it open*

N: Haha got you now.

 

*Gregory goes into Paula’s room who glares at him. Gregory asks her to come with him to his room. Gregory says she looks like a sleepwalker. Gregory asks why she opened his desk and she says it wasn’t her. Gregory continues to ask who opened it and Paula says “He” opened it. Gregory asks Elizabeth who came to the house and she denies a man ever showed. Elizabeth continues to deny it and Paula questions herself. Elizabeth “I see JUST how it is.”

W: Ha ha, good one.

 

*Paula pretends to go crazy when Brian walks in. Gregory asks how he came in and Brian has the dress. Brian claims to be just a figment of her imagination. Brian knows Gregory has the diamonds and he’s Sergis Bauer. Brian knows he stole the jewels and says he killed ad tortured for nothing. Gregory pulls a gun, it goes off and they run to the attack. Elizabeth runs outside and gets both Williams and Nancy. Williams sprints upstairs and Bessie walks in as well*

W: Ha, the busybody walks in.

 

*Paula ventures upstairs where Brian walks out with the diamonds. He says they cost a woman’s life and Gregory is all tied up. Gregory “I assure you I’m quite helpless.”

W: Hahahaha.

 

*Gregory tries to manipulate Paula to come closer and says to help him. He says there’s a knife in a nearby drawer, get it and cut him free. Paula says she’ll get it for him*

W and N: Hahahahaha

 

*Paula fucks with him by saying she’s not holding a knife as she holds in. Paula goes on a rant turning everything around on him before finding the brooch from earlier*

W: Ohhhhhh.

 

*Gregory says she and her mother aren’t mad. Paula says she is mad and tells Brian to take Gregory away. Brian cuts Gregory loose and Gregory says the jewels were a fire in his brain that he wanted all his life. Williams says the cab is coming and Gregory says goodbye. Paula says goodbye and Gregory is hauled off*

W: I think they hang murderers in 1870’s Britain.

 

*Brian and Paula talk on the roof and Bessie finds them. “Well!” THE END*

N: Hahaha

 

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I give it an 8.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I agree, I give it an 8. That was REALLY, really good.

Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Amazing

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: If that’s where the term “gaslighting” comes from then I totally understand. That was one of the best written villains in film history and Charles Boyer did a wonderful job. Gregory was so devious and subtle in systematically breaking down Paula into thinking she was going crazy. The characters were great, the plot was great and it was fun to watch. Now was Going My Way better than this movie? Both were great in their own ways but I gotta go with this one. Going My Way was good but this had a great payoff. That about wraps up another edition of Oscar’s Revenge Week here at Warlock’s Movie Realm. Now get outta here before I give ya a slap!