319. Death Proof (2007)

*The Warlock walks into the base with Mr. America on his phone*

W: Its time.

A: Time for what?

W: Remember last year we did Planet Terror for Michael Biehn Appreciation Month?

A: Gun leg lady?

W: Yeah, well now its time for the other half of Grindhouse.

A: It took you a full year to do it?

W: Better late than never.

A: Whatever.

*Mr America sits on the throne while Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: For those that don’t know, Death Proof stars Kurt Russell as a deranged ex-stuntman hellbent on murdering women for no apparent reason. Unlike Planet Terror which was Robert Rodriguez’ baby, this was Quentin Tarrantino’s work. So let’s get started with DEATH PROOF

Written and Directed by Quentin Tarantino

 

Cast:

Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell)

Zoe Bell (Herself)

Abernathy (Rosario Dawson)

Arlene (Vanessa Ferlito)

Jungle Julia (Sydney Tamiia Poitier)

Kim (Tracie Thoms)

Pam (Rose McGowan)

Shanna (Jordan Ladd)

Lee (Mary Elizabeth Winstead)

Warren (Quentin Tarantino)

Marcy Harriell (Herself)

Dov (Eli Roth)

Nate (Omar Doom)

Omar (Michael Bacall)

Lanna Frank (Monica Staggs)

Jasper (Jonathan Loughran)

Punky Brusier (Marta Mendoza)

Tim the Bartender (Tim Murphy)

Venus Envy (Melissa Acaro)

Earl McGraw (Michael Parks)

Edgar McGraw (James Parks)

Dr. Dakota Block-McGraw (Marley Shelton)

Counter Guy (Nicky Katt)

Babysitter Twins (Electra & Elise Avellan)

Peg (Helen Kim)

Juana (Tina Rodriguez)

Lanna’s Friends (Eurlyne Epper, Jamie L Dunno)

Bar Patron (Manuel Cantu)

April March (Herself)

Extra (Chris King)

Restaurant Patrons (Darryl K Phipps, Violet Saenz-Arocha)

Business Class Patron (Julitta Pourciau)

Nurse (Amanda Rivas)

Laquanda (Kelley Robins)

Businessman (Gary Teague)

Guero’s Waitress (Angela Ware)

College Player (Steven A Webb)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “Two separate sets of voluptuous women are stalked at different times by a scarred stuntman who uses his “death proof” cars to execute his murderous plans.”

A: His car is death proof? Then don’t get out of the car.

 

*Movie opens Grindhouse style*

W: Remember Planet Terror?

A: Oh yeah, just as you said.

 

*Cartoon plays*

W: What the hell is this?

 

*Opening credits has a woman’s feet on the dashboard*

W: Tarrantino and his damn feet again.

 

*Woman in her underwear*

W: Woah, is that Rosario?

A: No.

 

*Stuntman Mike drives down the road*

W: I want that car.

 

*Shanna and Arlene show up as Jungle Julia bends over*

W: Woahhhh

 

*We cut to Austin where Jungle Julia and Shanna arguing with Arlene trying to play peacemaker*

W: She’s new on NCIS New Orleans.

 

*Various billboards with Jungle Julia*

A: That’s gonna get old real quick when they scream at every one of them.

 

*Arlene talks with Julia’s feet on the headrest*

A: Does he have a legitimate foot fetish?

W: Yes.

 

*The girls tell sex stories, Shana says no hooking up tonight. Shanna says her father said no boys at their cabin and he usually shows up. If they flirt with him then he’s a puppy dog, her father is named Ben. Julia says they need to score with Lanna Frank*

W: Monica Skaggs.

 

*Mike follows them. Arlene notices the car and it revs at her*

W: Was that an El Camino?

A: I have no idea.

 

*Marcy calls Arlene “Butterfly”. Julia says she did a radio promo putting Arlene over. Marcy acts out what Julia had in mind. Marcy pretends to be a man to flirt with Arlene and Arlene talks about Julia’s big ass*

W: That just got me hot.

 

*Arlene has to give a lap dance to the first poem who recites a poem and calls her Butterfly*

W: What’s the point of this?

A: I don’t know.

 

*The girls stumble out of the bar drunk and Mike laughs at them. Mike already has their pictures in his visor. We go to Texas Chili Parlor*

W: What the hll?

 

*Julia dances in front of the jukebox*

W: She’s had that same cigarette the whole movie.

 

*Some guy dances up on Arlene as Dov chills with Shanna*

W: The Bear Jew in the house.

 

*Julia calls Lanna and says they’re waiting for her. Shanna tells Dov don’t call her Shauna while Julia texts with a Nokia*

W: Remember those damn things.

A: Oh yeah.

 

*Julia texts Chris back and for with Warren sending over shots. The waitress sits on their lap as Warren joins them for shots*

W: Hahaha Tarrantino.

 

*Arlene goes out to smoke in the rain*

W: Don’t tell me she’s first.

 

*Omar and Dov get Julia and Shanna drinks. Warren tells the waitress to flip the light outside and Arlene sees Mike’s car*

A: Oh god, dont go further! You don’t have an umbrella!

 

*Guy wants to make out with Arlene in his car and he pulls out an umbrella. Arlene says most guys won’t brag about that*

A: I honestly did not think this guy would show up with an umbrella.

 

*Arlene says 6 minutes, no whining and no begging*

W: 6 minutes of heaven.

 

*Back inside somebody eats nachos up close*

W: Gross.

 

*Dov tells Omar to get Julia before Chris does. Dov says they need to go to Jager shots to get them*

W: Come on Donny, let’s do it.

 

*Mike is the one eating nachos as Dov and Omar make fun of him*

W: Stagger Lee?

 

*Mike watches the duo as Nate and Arlene come back. Tim the bartender brings a drink to Arlene as Julia makes fun of the blonde at the bar. Pam wants a ride home and Mike tosses the keys to her*

W: Hahaha Rose McGowan.

 

*Mike cuts a promo saying he doesn’t drink but goes to bars for many other things. Interesting people, women and stories.  Pam asks who Stuntman Mike is and Warren says Stuntman Mike*

A: Hahahaha.

 

*Julia orders shots of Wild Turkey*

W: That stuff tastes like shit.

 

*Pam offers to buy Mike a virgin pina colada. She’s having a magarita*

W: Dammit, almost plye Misirlou.

 

*Closeup of Arlene’s ass*

W: She plays a gay woman on NCIS New Orleans.

 

*Three women enter the bar and greet Pam and Warren. Mike is infatuated with Julia and Pam says he needs to get famous to get her. Pam and Julia go back to kindergarten and Pam says she’d rather die than give up her chocolate milk*

W: More feet.

A: He has no shame.

 

*Julia smokes a bowl with Lanna an Mike asks if she’s famous or something*

A: He asks that with a giant billboard of her right behind her.

 

*Mike and Julia meet and Mike goes to sneeze before walking inside. Mike tells the girls at the bar he used to be a stuntman. Pam and the girls have no idea who the names he mentions are*

W: They’re too young for you man.

 

*Mike “If someone is fool enough to throw himself down the stairs, he’ll find someone dumb enough to pay him” Julia holds Arlene and Arlene wants to go to the cabin with jut the girls. Mike then recites the poem and buys Butterfly a beer. Julia tells him to beat it as Mike asks if he frightens her with his scar. She says its the car. He says its his mom’s car. She asks if he’s following her, he says no but its such a small down. Julia tries to tell Mike to get lost and Mike tells her he knows she didn’t any that night. “So how about that lap dance.” Arlene tells him no and Mike says she’s going in the book under “chicken shit”. She grabs the book and tells him to get ready for the dance*

W: Come on let’s go.

A: What? No you, idiot.

 

*Arlene gives a lap dance to Mike to Down In Mexico by The Coasters*

W: This movie just got better.

 

*Pam gets into the dance too*

W: Ha, look at Rose. Kurt Russell is lucky.

 

*Mike checks out Arlene when she bends over*

W: This is like From Dusk Till Dawn without the vampires.

 

*Outside Mike says goodbye to the girls but they make fun of Pam. Pam “I’m not gonna fuck him” Mike “I can hear you.” Pam “He’s old enough to be my…” Mike “I can still hear you”

W: Hahahahahaha

 

*Mike explains how stunt cars work including his. Julia’s crew drives off as Mike looks at the camera and smiles. He says his car can go 120 miles into a brick wall and still be fine. Mike asks her which way she’s going and she says right. He says start getting scared because they’re going left. He slams her head against the window repeatedly*

W: There are no cops around here?

A: Apparently not.

 

*Pam tells him to let her out and Mike cuts her off saying the car is 100% death proof….in his seat. He slams on the brake and Pam goes face first into the dashboard, smashing her nose and snapping her neck. He grabs the photos of Julia’s crew and says he has to catch his girlfriends*

W: Well this just got dark.

 

*Julia sticks her foot out the window*

W: Again with the feet. Between Arlene’s lapdance and various foot shots, Tarrantino pretty much just made his own porno.

A: Pretty much.

 

*The girls jam to Hold Tight as Mike flies in front of them and goes to play chicken*

W: Want to play chicken?

 

*Mike plows into their car going 150 miles an hour. Julia’s leg goes flying, Shanna is thrown 50 feet in the air, Arlene is decapitated and Lanna is crushed in the passenger seat*

W: Woahhhh yeah.

 

*Dr Block is taunted by Earl and Edgar McGraw. She says Mike is busted up but alive*

W: Its her from Planet Terror.

A: Oh yeah.

 

*Earl tells Edgar that Mike to kill the girls and they’re dead just the same. Earl says the DA says there wasn’t a crime since the girls were all fucked up and he was clean. Edgar says he got banged up good. Earl says all four of the girls died*

W: We still got an hour to go…..

A: They killed them all off early.

 

*Earl says the only thing they can get Mike on is Pam dying in the passenger seat. Earl says he can follow Mike everywhere or let him go. He’s gonna make sure he doesn’t do t again in Texas. 14 months later they’re in Lebanon, Tennessee*

W: For the next hour we’re gonna get another group of girls.

 

*Mike looking no worse for wear checks out two girls and a pair of feet*

A: Again with the feet.

W: He’s not even trying to hide it.

 

*Kim and Lee are two of the girls. They talk sex stories before they pick up Zoe at the airport. Abertnathy is relaxing in the backseat*

W: Rosario Dawson motherfuckers.

 

*Kim sings in the car as Mike tickles Abernathy’s feet. Mike pretends to drop his keys to make sure she doesn’t notice and then revs his engine. He leaves and Lee says he has a little dick. Abernathy puts cowboy boots on and lights up a cigarette*

W: Excuse me while I…

A: Smoke.

 

*Mike waits for her to notice him before driving off again. Lee calls Abernathy inside the store and says to get her Allure which she’s in. The creepy clerk says he has other issues in the back. He wants 27 dollars for Italian Vogue and Abernathy wants Lee’s approval to buy it. Lee, Abernathy, Kim and Zoe are Mike’s next targets*

W: Why do I have a feeling this isn’t going to end well?

 

*Lee says Toolbox likes to watch her pee*

W: Gross.

 

*Lee says she’s with The Rock lookalike. They go over who’s sleeping with who*

W: Sorry, they don’t have the same charisma as the first group.

 

*Abernathy says her ex Cecil fucked a woman on Abernathy’s birthday. Cecil made her a cassette tape for her birthday*

W: Love how that’s Zoe Bell playing….Zoe Bell.

 

*Zoe makes fun of Abernathy for not getting any. Kim “Before you claim a nigga, you got to CLAIM a nigga”

W: Hahahahahaha

 

*Abernathy tells a story at a diner*

W: This movie came to a screeching halt after Kurt Russell plowed into the first group.

 

*Kim has a gun and a license*

W: Oh boy, she’s got a gun.

A: Oh okay.

 

*Abernathy says carry a knife. Kim says people who carry knives get shot. Zoe wants to drive a 1970 Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine from Detroit. Zoe says she got it all found out. Lee calls her an Aussie and Zoe acts angry because she’s from Auckland, New Zealand*

W: Isn’t Peter Jackson from New Zealand?

A: Yeah.

W: Actually, she is too.

 

*Zoe says s she found a guy willing to sell her the car. Kim and Zoe are gearheads, Abernathy and Lee were Pretty In Pink girls. We cut to a farmhouse where some redneck is selling the car. Kim says not to play Ship’s Mast when they talk alone*

W: This is ridiculous.

 

*Zoe and Kim want to steal the car and need Abernathy to distract the farm guy. Abernathy agrees only by getting Lee to blow the guy*

W: I miss the first group.

A: *Sighs* Yeah….

 

*Abernathy asks Jasper to take the car out on their own. Jasper says he’s not stupid and they’ll just steal the car. Abernathy says if he agrees, he can be with Lee. He asks if she’s been in a porno movie and Abernathy says yes*

W: Ha.

 

*Lee wakes up in front of Jasper and he grunts*

W: Hahahahaha okay finally a laugh.

 

*Kim and Zoe leave Abernathy in the car. Zoe and Kim ask if they should do this*

A: Oh just do what you’re gonna do already.

W: I know, this movie’s dying a painful death.

 

*Zoe and Kim get geared up. Zoe climbs out of the car doing 90 and rides on the hood*

W: She is a professional stuntwoman.

 

*Abernathy climbs in the front while Zoe rides on the hood*

W: Is that Vanishing Point?

A: I don’t know.

 

*Mike watches the girls from afar and takes off after them in his car*

W: Muscle car vs muscle car.

 

*Mike drives up on the car*

W: 20 minutes to end this.

 

*Mike plows into Kim’s car but it only barely swerves*

W: If that was a modern car, he would have plowed right through it.

 

*Mike continues to ram the car as Zoe is hanging on to the hood by a thread*

W: Just hit the brake!

 

*Mike “Wanna get hot?” He rams the car. “You wanna get hot?”

A: Pretty sure that would send her flying.

 

*Mike continues to ram the car with Zoe desperate to hang on. A truck coming the other way has Mike swerving into a ditch*

W: Now get off and get in!

 

*Mike “Get ready to fly bitch!”

W: That’s on them for not pulling over.

 

*Mike swerves into a ditch and shouts “Hey, ladies, that was fun!” Kim shoots at him with the gun and tags him in the arm. He drives off*

W: That got rid of him.

 

*Kim and Abernathy cry*

A: Where’s your friend?

 

*Zoe pops up unharmed*

W and A: Hahahahaha

 

*Zoe says they should take the fight to Mike. Abernathy “Let’s kill this bastard”

W: I like the idea.

 

*Zoe grabs a pipe and hangs out the window*

W: Hahaha at least the ending is gonna be good.

 

*Mike pulls over in obvious pain. He pours booze on the wound and screams*

W: Hahaha now he’s overacting.

 

*Mike takes a swig and Kim plows into him as he spits the booze out. Zoe runs up with the pipe and takes out his window with it. She tags him a few times and gets in the car, speeding off after Mike. Kim taunts Mike as she plows into him. Kim “Gonna bust a nut in your ass right now”

W: Hahahahaha.

 

*Kim and Mike drive over a ditch and some motorist plows into a billboard*

W: Owwwwww.

 

*Kim chases Mike through traffic*

W: Two busted up muscle cars in the middle of traffic.

 

*Mike apologizes and says he was just playing around. Kim says she’s not playing and continues to ram Mike off the road until he plows through another billboard. He slams the brakes and thinks he lost them. “Jesus fucking christ its about time.” Kim comes back and rams Mike one last time to make his car flip. He screams as they drag him out of the car and beat the shit out of him*

W: Hahaha that’s one way to end this.

 

*Zoe spinkicks Mike in the face. THE END. As the credits roll Abernathy snaps his neck with a boot with Chick Habit playing*

W: Hahahaha

A: Okay.

 

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 6, it was good.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7. The first hour was awesome but the next half hour after that sucked. The final 20 minutes were awesome. All in all it was a fun watch.

Final Grade: 6.5 – Very Good

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: That was pretty damn good even if it dragged a little bit in the middle. From the feet to the asses to the soundtrack, this has Tarrantino written all over it and as usual its awesome. The acting was superb, most of the characters were great and all in all it was a fun 2 hours. The pacing dropped off dramatically after the first hour to establish brand new characters but the final 20 minutes made up for it. Can I recommend Death Proof? Absolutely I can. Its nowhere near Reservoir Dogs, Desperado or Pulp Fiction but its still a lot of fun to watch. As the calendar turns to August we got a very special tribute month planned for a fallen comrade. Stay tuned for that, now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

 

318. The Mask (1994)

*Thug D and The Warlock are sitting in Warlock’s red 1958 Plymouth Fury. They’re at a drive in theater*

W: Why are we here?

D: A certain movie came out 24 years ago this week. This is an anniversary showing.

W: Oh, what movie?

D: I’ll give you a hint.

*D pulls out a wooden mask*

W: Wait…isnt that…The Mask?

D: Right there dude.

W: This is gonna be fun. So let’s get the party started with The Mask.

*The drive in movie starts*

 

Written by Michael Fallon, Mark Verheiden and Mike Werb

Directed by  Charles Russell

 

Cast:

Stanley Ipkiss (Jim Carrey)

Lt. Metch Kellaway (Peter Riegert)

Dorian (Peter Greene)

Peggy Brandt (Amy Yasbeck)

Charlie Schumaker (Richard Jeni)

Niko (Orestes Matacena)

Irv (Timothy Bagley)

Mrs. Peenman (Nancy Fish)

Burt (Johnny Williams)

Freeze (Reg E Cathey)

Doyle (Jim Doughan)

Sweet Eddy (Denis Forest)

Tina Carlyle (Cameron Diaz)

Police Officer (Joseph Alfieri)

Alley Punk #1 (BJ Barie)

Cigarette Girl (Catherine Berge)

Guard (Phil Boardman)

Lady Cop (Krista Buonauro)

Alley Punk #3 (Debra Casey)

Murray (Blake Clark)

Paramedic #3 (Christopher Darga)

Reporter (Suzanne Dunn)

Maggie (Joely Fisher)

Henchmen #7 (Kevin Grevioux)

Park Policeman (Peter Jazwinski)

Niko’s Thug #2 (Howard Kay)

Police Officer (Robert Keith)

Megaphone Cop (Beau Lotterman)

Niko’s Thug #1 (Scott McElroy)

Henchman #1 (Richard Montes)

Mayor Tilton (Ivory Ocean)

The Figure (Robert O’Reilly)

Coco Bongo Valet (Louis Ortiz)

Henchman #6 (Daniel James Peterson)

Bobby The Bouncer (Jeremy Roberts)

Mr. Dickey (Eamonn Roche)

Screaming Lady (Randi Ruimy)

Dr. Arthur Neuman (Ben Stein)

Orlando (Nils Allen Stewart)

Coco Bongo Cop #1 (Chris Taylor)

Alley Punk #2 (Bullet Valmont)

Wendy Walsh (Herself)

Pebbles (Meadow Williams)

Milo The Dog (Itself)

Tina’s Singing Voice (Susan Boyd)

Monica (Monica Lee Bellais)

Hostess (Keri-Anne Bilotta)

Dancing Policewoman (Leslie Cook)

Dancer (Krista Miller)

Bodyguard (Richard Raynesford)

 

*D reads the tag-line*

D: “Bank clerk Stanley Ipkiss is transformed into a manic superhero when he wears a mysterious mask.”

W: Sounds like a comic book.

D: It is.

 

 

*Charles Russell film*

D: They wanted to make another horror icon but Jim Carrey was so funny they decided to go the comedy route with this movie*

 

*Scuba divers find a strongbox, a mask floats up to the surface*

D: Who’s gonna be the lucky winner?

 

*Edge City Savings and Loan is the setting for Stanley Ipkiss getting concert tickets for him and a co-worker. She cons him into giving up his ticket so she could go with someone else. Charlie says Stanley is a wuss*

W: Wow he sucks.

D: “Introducing Cameron Diaz”

 

*Charlie wants to get Stanley to the Coco Bongo Club. Meanwhile Tina walks in*

W: I don’t remember her tits being that big.

D. Yeah really.

 

*Tina makes Charlie hold her jacket and asks Stanley for help. He sniffs her jacket*

D: What a creep.

 

*Tina wants to open an account and she introduces herself to Stanley. She says his tie reminds her of an ink blot test*

W: This reminds me of a comic book.

D: It was. It was a really bloody comic. Stanley was only in the first issue and he dies in the end.

 

*Tina distracts Stanley with her body and Stanley puts a pen in a pencil sharpener*

W: AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA!!!!!

 

*Dorian’s men prepare to rob the bank. Dorian tells Freeze he wants to take out Niko after he takes the bank. They toast*

D: Scumbags.

 

*Stanley’s car is in for repairs and he takes a beat up Yugo to the Coco Bongo Club. He finds Charlie and he introduces her to two girls. Charlie greases Bobby The Bouncer’s palm and he lets him and the two girls in. Stanley is left behind. He goes to jump the barricade and Bobby throws him out where a puddle splashes him. The car’s door that splashed him opens and Tina walks out. Stanley gets his car and he tells the valet he’s very angry. The car dies in the middle of a bridge*

D: Jesus.

W: Can his luck get any worse?

 

*Stanley kick the car and it completely falls apart*

W and D: Hahahahaha.

D: Guess I’ll just walk home.

 

*Stanley freaks out on a beach but finds the mask in the water. He goes to put it on but the cops stop him. He tells them he found his mask. Stanley returns to his apartment and the manager yells at him. When she’s gone he says she needs to get back to the lab so she can get her bolts tightened. He throws the frisbee to his small dog and Mrs Peeman the manager yells. Stanley “Alright MRS PEEMANNNNNN!”

W: Ha!

 

*Stanley watches Dr. Arthur Neuman talk about masks*

W: Ben Stein.

 

*Stanley puts the mask on. He tranforms and says “SCHMOOOOOKINNNNNN”

W: Iconic line.

 

*Stanley as The Mask takes out giant mallet and smashes the place. Mrs. Peeman grabs a shotgun and shoots at him. Mask jumps out a window and says “Look mom, I’m roadkill!”

W: Ha.

 

*A motorist honks at him and Stanley blows the windshield out with his own horn. Stanley is surrounded by bikers and Stanley runs into an alley where he performs a carnival act*

D: Hahahaha.

 

*The gang finds Stanley hilarious until he makes a balloon animal in the form of a tommygun. He shoots at them and says he should be a superhero, but first he has an errand. He goes to the shady mechanic’s place and beats the crap out of them. Stanley wakes up without the mask in his own bed*

W: What a dreammmmmmm.

 

*Stanley thinks it was just a dream and says he needs to lay off the cartoons. He gets a knock on his door and its Lt. Kellaway*

W: Hey its Boon from Animal House.

 

*Kellaway asks if Stanley knows about the disturbance last night and Stanley pretends he doesn’t know anything. Kellaway gives him his card and leaves. Milo gives Stanley the keys and Stanley walks out the door. Kellaway investigates the auto shop where both victims have bumpers up their asses*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Mr. Dickey says Stanley is 40 minutes late but lightens up when Charlie says Tina is Stanley’s client. Dickey says sends her his way and Charlie makes fun of them. Peggy the newslady comes in*

W: Flo from Problem Child.

 

*Stanley recognizes Peggy as Ask Peggy from the news. She warms up to him and she says they got a lot of letters because he was Mr. Nice Guy. She asks what the truth is about love and he doesn’t know*

W: Possible love interest.

 

*Niko has his two thugs bring Dorian in. They humiliate him and use him as a golf tee for Niko. Niko says he’s fed up with Dorian trying to scam him on the side. He gives Dorian one week to get out of town or he’ll kill him. Meanwhile Stanley has a dream of impressing Tina*

D: He probably pictured this scenario in his head.

 

*Tina licks the head of Stanley and he wakes up with Milo licking him*

D: Oh you little fuck.

W: Nice pajamas.

 

*Stanley reads the newspaper headline praising Tina and puts the mask on again while Milo hides*

D: The best part about the mask is in the comics the mask can get mutilated, the person wearing it can lose limbs but as soon as he takes it off, everything goes back to normal.

 

*Stanley looks in the mirror in a yellow suit and says “Somebody stopppp me!”

W: Nice.

 

*Stanley has no money and Dorian’s crew prepares to rob the bank. Freeze lead the gang but Stanley comes out with a bag of money and spins away. The cops shoot out with Freeze’s boys. Stanley shows up to Coco Bongo as The Mask and bribes Bobby to get in. The Mask drools over Tina*

W: That’s Susan Boyd’s voice.

D: Thats his iconic suit but this is the only time he wears it.

W: Because it was on the cover.

 

*The Mask takes control of the bar band and dances with Tina*

D: This looks like it burns a lot of callories.

 

*Eddie the Henchman tells Dorian The Mask robbed the bank and Dorian says he’s dead meat. The Mask kisses Tina and her shoe flies off. Dorian shoots part of The Mask’s tie off. The bald henchman pulls a gun on The Mask and Dorian wants his money. The Mask does a series of funny skits including being shot old West style. He mocks dying in the Henchman’s arms while Dorian tries not to laugh*

W: He’s trying not to laugh for real.

 

*Lt. Kellaway shows up with the cops and says Dorian is under arrest and so are his guys that robbed the bank. Dorian says The Mask isn’t one of his guys. They find the henchman upstairs and Dorian is taken in*

W: How do they explain this?

 

*Kellaway knocks on Stanley’s door to wake him up. Stanley opens the door to his closet and money pours out. He puts it back and lets Kellaway in. Kellaway says the bank he worked in was robbed and his pajamas match the ones found at the scene. Stanley denies everything*

W: What’s he gonna say, “aww ya caught me?”

 

*Kellaway says he thinks Ipkiss did it and wants fingerprints to prove it*

W: Can’t convict a guy with no proof*

 

*Dorian puts a 50 grand bounty on the head of The Mask. Tina tells Dorian that he’s losing it. Dorian is mad The Mask put the moves on her and he says there’s gonna be payback*

W: Yeah ok.

 

*Dickey gives Stanley shit when he gets in and Stanley yells at him to back off. Charlie loves it. Stanley says he hasn’t been himself lately*

W: Hahaha.

 

*Charlie has two tickets to the Coco Bongo Club that Saturday night and he wants Stanley to go with him. Tina walks in and goes to cancel her account. Stanley asks about The Mask. Tina tells him how amazing he is. He says he knows The Mask and she wants to meet him that night. Stanley says he’ll hook it up*

W: Riiiight.

 

*Dr Neuman says the mask beyond to Loki, the Norse god of Mischief. He says its mythology but Stanley says its all real. Stanley puts the mask on but it does nothing*

W: Why did it do nothing?

D: It only works at night.

 

*Stanley looks dumb trying to make the mask work*

D: Hahahahahaha

 

*Stanley meets Tina at the park and says his friend will be there soon. He puts the mask on in a bush and starts mackin on her in a French accent*

D: Hahahhaa

 

*Kellaway watches from the bushes and radios for backup. He calls out for Stanley and tells him to freeze. The Mask literally freezes*

W: Literally.

 

*The Mask is arrested and back at the paper, Murray tells Peggy to cover the Ipkiss situation*

D: Shawn’s dad?

W: Boy Meets World, yes.

 

*The Mask handcuffs Doyle and Kellaway and barricades the exit. He’s surrounded by 50 cops and he does a rumba dance number. The cops join in*

D: This scene hahahahaha.

 

*Doyle gets into it but Kellaway tells him to snap out of it or he’ll blow his brains out*

W: Hahaha

 

*The Mask kisses some random lady*

D: Hahahhaa

 

*Stanley takes The Mask off and runs for it. He jumps in Peggy’s car as Kellaway shoots at him. Peggy drives him to safety and he gives her the story*

D: I’d get the mask away from her.

 

*Peggy tells him he doesn’t need the mask to be great. Stanley asks if she really means that, she says no. Dorian walks in and Peggy asks for the 50 grand. Dorian hands it to her and prepares to have Stanley killed. Dorian puts the mask on and turns into Mega Dorian. Mega Dorian says to get the money before killing him. Orlando the bald henchmen and another goon raid Stanley’s apartment for the money as Milo notices Stanley in the car below. Milo runs outside and the crew bags all the money. The goons drive off and Milo runs after them*

W: In hot pursuit.

 

*Kellaway and Doyle walk outside and Stanley is thrown to them. Stanley says he can explain everything. He gets locked up anyway*

D: Explain this!

 

*Stanley tells Milo to beat it but he stays outside. Tina visits Stanley in jail and tells him Mega Dorian is going to do something at the charity ball. Stanley explains how he feels when the mask is on*

W: Least they explained it.

 

*Stanley says it turned Dorian into a monster and she needs to get out of town. Tina tells him that he’s special. He thinks she means The Mask but Tina says no, Stanley himself. They go to kiss and the cop stops them. He begs for one more minute but the moment passes*

W: Ughhhhh

 

*Tina leaves the police station and Orlando chases her. Stanley prepares the toilet but hears Tina screaming. The guard falls asleep and Stanley makes Milo jump up to him*

D: Awww he’s a good boy.

 

*Dorian without the mask corners Tina. He intimidates her and says theyre going to a party tonight. Meanwhile Stanley tells Milo to get the keys. Milo grab cheese instead*

W: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA that’s my favorite line.

 

*Milo gets the keys and brings them to Stanley. Meanwhile Dorian says its almost night time and he has explosives planned for the ball*

W: Oh yeah the mask doesn’t work during the day.

 

*Stanley pistol whips the guard and Stanley accidentally holds Kellaway at gunpoint. Kellaway says there’s no way they’re walking out of there. Stanley says he’s right and handcuffs himself to Kellaway. Stanley says he’ll tell him about it on the way and they head to the club with Milo. Dorian puts the mask on*

W: Time for the finale.

 

*Mega Dorian bursts through the door and Niko asks who he is. Mega Dorian says hes here for payback. Dorian’s men shoots it out with Niko. Eddy, Orlando and some other goon survive. Niko drills Dorian and Dorian kills him with his own bullets*

W: Good luck getting his mask off.

 

*Stanley, Kellaway and Milo pull up and Kellaway says something’s not right, nobody is there. Stanley tells Kellaway to call for backup and for Milo to stay there. Kellaway says he’s a dead man. Charlie is taken hostage. Meanwhile Stanley disarms a guard. Dorian’s plan is to rub the place and blow it along with Tina. Stanley calls Charlie over and says to get everyone out the back. Stanley goes to do something but a henchmen catches him. Stanley “Crap”

D: Saw that coming.

 

*Milo exits the car and runs in. Kellaway “Smart dog”

D: Good thing my dog can’t do that.

 

*Tina fools Mega Dorian into taking the mask off. She kisses him and slips her foot out to kick the mask to Stanley. Milo intercepts it and Stanley is punched by Dorian. Eddy catches Milo by the legs and Milo accidentally puts the mask on. He becomes Super Milo as Stanley pokes Dorian in the eye before tackling him through a craps table*

W: That was cool.

 

*Super Milo scares Eddy as Stanley wails on Dorian. “I’m winning!” Dorian slugs him.

D: Thats what he gets for being cocky

 

*Milo pisses on Eddy*

W: Hahaha.

 

*Stanley punches Dorian and Super Milo bites Orlando’s pants off. Orlando shoots the mask behind the bar and Stanley puts it on as Orlando, Eddy and another goon shoot at him. The Mask pops up “Did you miss me? I guess not!” Orlando, Eddy and Hench reload and Mask pulls out 100 guns to scare them away.*

W and D: Hahahha

 

*Mask swallows the bomb and we get a cartoon effect. Mask breathes fire “That’s-a spicy meat-a-ball!!!”

D: Heh.

 

*Mask frees Tina and “flushes” Dorian down the drain. Mask “You were good kid but as long as I’m around you’ll always be second best see!”

D: Yes!

 

*Stanley unmasks but is stopped from kissing her by Charlie and the cops*

D: I’m curious what the sequel was supposed to be.

W: The Mask 2..the Nintendo Power contest on the movie that was never made haha.

 

*Mayor tells Kellaway that Dorian was The Mask and Stanley saved the day. Doyle says Stanley is a hero*

D and W: Hahahhaa

 

*Charlie pulls up on the bridge with Stanley and Tina. Stanley asks if she’ll miss The Mask, Tina throws the mask away and finally kisses him*

W: About time.

 

*Milo growls in approval*

W: He won Best Actor.

 

*Charlie runs and dives after the mask. Milo doggie paddles with it away*

W: Hahaha Milo intercepts it.

 

*Stanley ” Smokinnnnnnnn” End credits*

W: That was fun.

 

Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 10 out of 10, its one of my alltime favorites. The CGI stays up and its a damn near flawless movie. Its a shame it never got the sequel it deserved.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 9 out of 10. The only point off is the source material was a much bloodier comic and this was a slapstick comedy movie. Its still one of the best comedies of the 90’s but I’m a nitpicker like that.

Final Grade: 9.5 out of 10 – Almost the Best of All Time

 

*Warlock stays still*

W: That was a lot of fun. It was one of the best movies of 1995 even if it was a toned down version of the source material. It was funny, it had good acting and I highly recommend it. By the way, that’s not the REAL mask is it?

D: Want to find out?

W: Uh…no thanks, knock yourself out.

D: Ok, here goes.

*D puts the mask on and starts transforming*

W: Oh shit!

*Warlock floors his car out of the drive in*

D: SCHMOKINNNNNNNN

W: Now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

317. Good Morning Vietnam (1987)

*The Warlock is sitting with The Grand Wizard. Wizard reads the newspaper*

Wizard: Hey Adrian Cronauer just died.

Warlock: Who?

Wizard: You know Robin Williams’ character in Good Morning Vietnam? The real life Cronauer died.

Warlock: I’ve never actually seen it from beginning to end.

Wizard: WHAT?

Warlock: I saw it with you as a toddler but I dont remember much.

Wizard: We’re watching it!

Warlock: Okay.

*Warlock grabs a bottle of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Guess we are watching Good Morning Vietnam.

 

Written by Mitch Markowitz

Directed by Barry Levinson

 

Cast:

Adrian Cronauer (Robin Williams)

Edward Garlick (Forest Whitaker)

Tuan (Tung Tranh Tran)

Trinh (Chintara Sukapatana)

Lt. Stephen Hauk (Bruno Kirby)

Marty Lee Dreiwitz (Robert Wuhl)

Sgt Major Dickerson (JT Walsh)

General Taylor (Noble Willingham)

Private Abersold (Richard Edson)

Phil McPherson (Juney Smith)

Dan “The Man” Levitan (Richard Portnow)

Eddie Kirk (Floyd Vivino)

Jimmy Wah (Cu Ba Nguyen)

Censors (Dan and Don Stanton)

MP #1 (Danny Aiello)

Sergeants (James McIntyre and Peter Mackenzie)

Vietnamese Students (No Tran, Hoa Nguyen, Uikey Kuay, Suvit Abakaz, Panas Wiwatpanachat, Lerdcharn Namkiri, Hanh Thi Nguyen, Tuan Lai, Boonchai Jakraworawut, Joe B Veokkeki, Wichien Chaopramong, Kien Chufak, Prasert Tangpantarat)

Convoy Soldiers (John Goyer, Louis Hood, Christopher Mangan, Kenneth Pitochelli, Jonathan MacLeod, Gregg T Knight)

Chaplain Noel (Ralph Tabakin)

Vietcong (Sangad and Vanlap Sangko)

Mr. Sloan (Mark Johnson)

MP #2 (John Marshall Jones)

Richard Nixon (Himself)
*Wizard reads the tag-line*

Wizard “In 1965, an unorthodox and irreverent DJ begins to shake up things when he is assigned to the U.S. Armed Services radio station in Vietnam.”

Warlock: So this is based off a true story.

Wizard: Yes.

 

*Touchstone pictures*

W: Haven’t seen that in a while.

 

*Movie opens with boring DJ reading the news*

W: Did they really have DJ’s in Vietnam?

Wizard: Yeah, and they sucked.

 

*Adrian Cronauer arrives via airplane as DJ continues to drone on with Graphic reading Saigon 1965*

W: Wow they were there then?

 

*Adrian meets Private Garlick who’s going to be his right hand mand and he’s nervous. Tries to start a car already started*

W: Hahaha, perverted.

 

*Adrian checks out the local ladies and wants to stop to meet them*

W: Hahaha

 

*General Taylor informs Major Dickerson that Cronauer is coming. Dickerson doesn’t want non-military personnel. Garlick gives intel on Lt. Hauk being a goofball and Dickerson being an asshole. Taylor greets them and says the shadow of Garlick’s ass weighs 20 pounds*

W: I’m stealing that line.

 

*Cronauer and Garlick meet Hauk. Hauk makes them salute him and says he’s a comedian too. They say they should swap jokes sometime. Dickerson walks in and gives him the business*

W: I hate him already.

 

*Cronauer says Dickerson reminds him of Donna Reed around the eyes*

Wizard: Hahahaha.

 

*Chaplain Noel gives the broadcast at 5:30. Garlick tries to get Cronauer up but he wnts to go back asleep*

Wizard: What’s he complaining about? We had to get up at 4:30 in Nam.

 

*Typewriter types out news of President Johnson. Garlick says they have to run it by the two censors. Garlick brings Cronauer to meet Marty Lee. Garlick says they’ll be roomates so he may want to think about suicide*

W: Hahahaha

Wizard: Too bad he did.

W: ….yeah.

 

*Adrian begins his broadcast with “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAMMMMMMMM*

W: Iconic.

 

*Adrian goes into his schtick and Sgt Hauk is confused “What’s that supposed to mean”

W: Dumbass.

 

*Adrian continues his schtick, Marty Lee and Garlick fall over laughing including Hauk’s assistant Abersold*

W: I bet they were laughing for real.

 

*Adrian plays Nowhere To Run*

W: Its the song from The Warriors, just by the original performer.

 

*Montage of soldiers in Vietnam horsing around while Sgt Hauk protests playing rock and roll*

W: Wait 5 years till Black Sabbath.

 

*Adrian “Know what’s the difference between the army and the cub scouts? The cub scouts don’t have heavy artillery”

Wizard: Hahahaha

 

*Adrian “Why did Lyndon name his daughter Lynda Bird? Lynda Dog would have been too cruel”

Wizard: Hahahahaha

 

*Great songs are played*

W: I love the soundtrack.

 

*Dickerson doesn’t like the schtick*

W: I feel bad for the actor, he probably had to stop himself from laughing.

 

*Adrian turns it over to Dan “The Man” Levitan who’s about as exciting as a glass of water*

Wizard: Listen to this guy after Adrian.

 

*Adrian’s crew laugh their balls off but Lt Hauk gives him the business. He says to not make fun of the army or play rock music. Hauk says Nixon is coming next week and asks who they can book for November. Everyone cracks jokes and Cronauer cracks up the room with initials*

W: Classic.

 

*Eddie Kirk plays Ray Conniff jazz records*

Wizard: That’s the music I grew up with.

 

*Garlick and Adrian go to Jimmy Wah’s. They meet Jimmy who’s as eccentric as Adrian. Garlick says Jimmy wants naked pictures of Walter Bennett. Cronauer tries not to laugh at him. They drink beer and Jimmy says formaldehyde is in it. Adrian spots a woman walk by and he runs up and tries to charm her but she says no. She takes off on a wagon and Garlick and Adrian bribe kids for their bicycles to chase after her*

W: What is he doing?

 

*Garlick and Adrian tail the woman to an English speaking class with Mr. Sloan instructing. Adrian asks Garlick how to get with her and Garlick jokes about becoming the teacher. Adrian runs into the classroom and bribes the teacher off. He takes over and tries to get them to sing My Boyfriends Back*

W: Hahahaha, this ones for The Enchantress

 

*Adrian tells the class to learn slang instead of plain English. The old man loves it as the brother of the girl tries to protect her. Adrian says he has honest intentions but the boy says he’s a phony like Americans and French before*

W: Oh thats right, the French were there first.

 

*Adrian eats fish ball and gags. The brother and an old lady laugh. He brings the kid to Jimmy Wah’s. Jimmy gawks at a guy’s ankle. Adrian introduces the brother, named Tuan, to his crew. Adrian notices some callgirls and says their behinds were invented in Switzerland by Dr. Feintush*

W: Im stealing that.

 

*Marty Lee says his name William Holden. Meanwhile 2 blowhard GIs start a fight by making fun of Tuan. Adrian jumps to his defense and attacks the two guys with his crew jumping in. He headbutts one but hits the chest of another “Oh shit!”

W: Hahaha

 

*Dickerson gives him the business again*

Wizard: I hate this guy, doing a great acting job.

 

*Adrian runs his stuff by the censors who leave him with almost nothing. Undeterred he says “GOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAMMMMM” before playing more rock music. Montage of army activity*

Wizard: Yeah that’s pretty accurate.

 

*Adrian “What’s the weather? Got a window? Open it!”

W and Wi: Hahahahahaha!

 

*Hauk gives him the business for saying the weather sucks. Phil and Abersol makes fun of him when he leaves.  Adrian goes back to his schtick and plays James Brown’s I Feel Good*

Wizard: I knew that I would.

Warlock: So good.

 

*Soldiers in the field and Phil in the studio dance to James Brown*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Abersol is having a blast as the twins look menacing. Guys are on the phones taking calls from happy soldiers*

Wizard: Yes, this stuff happened.

 

*Adrian teaches the English class to the Vietnamese Students. He makes them all laugh by saying the great ca-ca. Tuan’s sister is named Trinh, Meanwhile the old guy cracks up Adrian with his dry humor. Tuan has organized a date with Trinh but her entire family shows up with her. Adrian is overwhelmed but tries to get her to talk by saying he’s never gone on a date with a grand jury before*

W: That sounds like fun doesn’t it?

 

*Adrian hands out money to her relatives and asks if they want to see a movie. He invites the whole family and Trinh sings Puff The Magic Dragon. The movie is Beach Blanket Bingo*

Wizard: That was a terrible movie.

Warlock: Who was in it?

Wizard: Annette Funicello.

Warlock: Oh…mousekateer.

 

*Adrian wants to read real news and Garlick tries to stop him. Adrian cracks up Garlick on the radio by making fun of the Pope and Ethel Merman. He compares Richard Nixon to Mr Ed. The radio station parties*

W: Did they really have this much fun?

Wizard: Hell no. You know Dan “The Man” Levitan, THAT’S what we had. Cronauer was gone before I got there. Even he admits Robin Williams wasnt an accurate portrayal of himself but he loved it anyway.

 

*Adrian does a schtick pretending to be Gomer Pyle*

W: His face is turning red.

 

*Adrian wants to get something to eat but Hauk stops him and wants him to edit Nixon highlights. Adrian later goes to Jimmy Wah’s and he says Jimmy looks like an oriental leprechaun in his green suit. Richard Nixon’s actual press conference is played but edited by Adrian cracking jokes. Hauk listens and says “Please don’t do this to me.” Meanwhile Abersol, Marty Lee, Phil and Garlick laugh. Hauk runs in and asks where Adrian is*

W: This guy again?

 

*Hauk complains to Taylor that he needs to be taken off the air. Taylor tells him they’re getting their best ratings ever. Hauk says Nixon is a good man and Taylor says he’s not. Taylor says he wouldn’t buy an apple from him and he’s a really good friend of his. Dickerson wants him gone too but Taylor tells him to get lost. Dickerson and Hauk walk off and say this isn’t over*

W: Uh oh.

 

*Tuan pulls Adrian out of Jimmy Wah’s to go talk to Trinh. As soon as he leaves the place is blown up*

W: Woahhhhhhhh!!!!

 

*Adrian walks around the carnage horrified at what just happened*

W: Jimmy Wah is okay, thank goodness.

 

*Adrian is pissed the bodies aren’t being tended to and he pulls them off the street saying they deserve better*

Wizard: This happened all the time back then.

 

*A pissed off Adrian is stopped by the censors to not read the bombing report. Dickerson sees his chance and tells him not to read it and insults him. Adrian goes back on air and starts his schtick but can’t do it. He tells about the bombing anyway and Dickerson has him shut off*

Wizard: Yup, they tried to cover this shit up for years. Took the Washington Post to finally put an end to Nixon’s bullshit.

 

*Dickerson and Hauk want Adrian gone. Taylor tries to tell them to get lost. Dickerson says Hauk can do the show and Taylor begrudgingly suspends Adrian. Adrian gets hammered and Tuan tries to get him to go to his village. He doesn’t want to until Tuan says he can see Trinh. Adrian “I’ll drive”

W: Hahahahhaa

 

*Hauk prepares for the show and Marty Lee, Phil, Abersol and Garlick tell him not to go through with it. Hauk tells them he’s funny and does the show horribly. Phil, Abersol Marty and Garlick are embarrassed*

Wizard: That sucks.

 

*Marty asks if Hauk is going to continue*

W: I hope not.

 

*Adrian visits Tuan and Trinh’s village. Tuan points out a few people who lost relatives to American and French conflicts*

Wizard; Yeah those French bastards were there first and screwed it all up.

 

*Adrian tries to calm a crying baby as some kid takes a piss*

W: An integral part of the movie.

 

*Trinh says she can’t be friends with him and walks off. Adrian “Great week”

Wizard: You ain’t kidding.

 

*Polka music plays as more troops arrive. Meanwhile people complain in droves about Hauk. Garlick pleads his case to Taylor. Marty Lee reads a letter saying “Hey Hauk, eat a bag of shit. You suck!” Taylor meets with Hauk and gives him the business before telling him to reinstate Adrian. Garlick tells Adrian the good news but Adrian is pissed and doesn’t want to go back on. He blows off Garlick*

W: Why?

 

*Garlick confronts Adrian and gives him shit for quitting on the men that are dying in the field. Adrian tries to plead his case that the army hates him and Garlick says to forget them and go on. Garlick gives Tuan and Adrian a ride. He stops next to two army trucks full of soldiers and Garlick tells them that Adrian is there. He does an impromptu schtick and the two trucks of soldiers all cheer*

W: I think he’s got his groove back.

 

*Adrian gets tossed a condom and he does a schtick with it*

Wizard: You laugh but they used those to put on the rifles to keep mud and shit out of them.

 

*Adrian wishes them all good luck and safety as the two trucks take off*

Wizard: At least they’re on the coast in Nah Trang, the real shit was Danang.

 

*Adrian does his morning schtick and dedicates the broadcast to the soldiers he saw yesterday and plays Louis Armstrong’s A Wonderful World. Scene gets dark as a montage of buildings blown up, protestors attacked, soldiers getting shot and citizens harrassed*

Wizard: What a lovely place for a war.

W: That’s why they won. They were on their turf.

Wizard: Yeah, they had all sorts of underground tunnels dug up. They would simply disappear during raids. Theyd strike, our guys would have no idea it was coming, and bang….gone without a trace.

 

*Dickerson tries to set up Cronauer by sending him up a certain road that’s not protected by American troops but Vietcong controlled. The censors refuse to let Marty Lee say the road Garlick and Adrian are on is Vietcong controlled*

Wizard: He’s setting him up.

 

*Garlick runs over land mines and flips the jeep. Teenaged Vietcong patrol finds the jeep and raids it. One guy speaks in broken English to get Adrian and Garlick to come out. Marty Lee takes over for him and plays Baby, Please Don’t Go by Van Morrison as Marty Lee asks around for where Adrian went. Tuan goes with him and he finds out they went to An Lac. Tuan takes a truck and goes up the road. Meanwhile Adrian complains about the situation. “I can’t see dick, its like hunting with Ray Charles” Tuan finds them by saying “Flip Them The Bird”. Tuan’s van breaks down so the three of them walk into a desserted village*

W: Is that their village?

Wizard: Its A village.

 

*A helicopter passes by and picks them up*

W: Here they come to save the dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

 

*Adrian is grilled by Dickerson and Dickerson says Tuan is really a VC terrorist that masterminded the Jimmy Wah bombing. Dickerson says Adrian will be convicted of treason and be hung. General Taylor walks in and says he won’t be tried for treason but he has to go for aiding avl terrorist.. Adrian asks Dickerson when Taylor is gone why he did this. Dickerson says he doesn’t like anything about him and he’s to leave tomorrow. Adrian says Dickerson needs a blow job worse than anyone and leaves. Dickerson goes to attack him but Taylor stops him and says he’s out of there too. Dickerson says why and Taylor says he’s mean and this is just radio*

W: Bye bye Dickerson.

 

*Adrian angrily confonts Tranh and says he needs to see Tuan NOW. They’re gonna kill him as a terrorist unless he sees him. Tranh brings Adrian through a ghetto*

Wizard: How’d you like to live there? You think Americans are poor? Look at these people.

 

*Adrian finds Tuan aka Phan Duc Tho and he runs. Adrian chases him*

W: Oh boy, a chase scene.

Wizard: Suk Muk Dik.

 

*Adrian loses him and goes on a monologue about him being the enemy. Tuan “We are not the enemy, YOU are the enemy!”

Warlock: He’s right. The US never should have got involved.

 

*Tuan goes on a speech of his own saying relatives and neighbors are dead for no good reason*

W: He’s right again.

 

*Adrian “5 months in Saigon and my best friend turns out to be VC. THIS DOES NOT LOOK GOOD ON A RESUME!!!”*

Wizard and Warlock: Hahahahahahaha

 

*Garlick is to drive Adrian to the airport but he has to make a pit stop. He holds a “softball” game using fruit instead of a ball with his English class as California Sun plays*

W: I know this song.

 

*Garlick gets into the fun as well. MP’s join the fun as well*

W: Its too bad the whole war couldn’t be settled in a softball game.

 

*Adrian says his goodbyes as the old man says to some MP’s that they are Goliath but beware of David*

W: He wasn’t kidding, American’s treated the Vietnames like non-threats and they lost the fucking war.

 

*Adrian goes to say bye to Tranh and Garlick says “He has to say goodbye to the whole god damned country”

W and Wizard: Hahahaha

 

*Tranh says they are different and Adrian says they are but will always be together. They shake hands and bow and once again Garlick tries to start the jeep while its already started*

W: Again?

 

*Adrian looks at the troops as he’s passing by*

Wizard: He should be thrilled to leave that god forsaken place.

 

*Adrian says goodbye to Garlick and hands him a record to play for everyone he left behind. Adrian cracks one last joke and leaves. Next frame is Garlick doing Adrian’s schtick and says he’s gonna play the record. Its a recorded schtick of him insulting the army”

W: He’s gone, they can’t do a fucking thing thing about it!

 

*Plane takes off, schtick ends, end credits*

Warlock: That was a lot of fun.

 

The Grand Wizard has no assessment.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 9 out of 10. Its almost perfect except Hauk never got his and the movie took a lot of liberties with the real Cronauer. Other than that, THIS is a real comedy that’s fun for everyone. It was a reminder of how fucked up the Vietnam War was and why the US had no business being there.

Final Grade: 9 out of 10 – A Must Watch.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: That was one if the best comedies I’ve ever seen. It was funny from beginning to end even with the serious scenes included. It had an all-star cast and the villains did their job as well as the heroes. It had a great soundtrack as well and I highly, highly recommended. That wraps up another awesome adventure, now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

316. One Crazy Summer (1986)

*Thug D and The Warlock are on Good Harbor beach in lounge chairs. Warlock is wearing a green bathing suit and gargoyle shades. D is wearing a black bathing suit and Oaklies shades*

D: Now this is more like it.

W: If we’re gonna watch a movie, we may as well do it in style.

*D reaches into the cooler and pulls out a can of Mountain Dew for himself and a can of Barq’s root beer for Warlock. Warlock flicks his wrist and the can flies over into his hand*

W: So what are we watching any way?

D: They’re having a special showing of One Crazy Summer.

W: I’ve always heard of it but I’ve never actually seen it.

D: Well here we go.

*A huge view screen rises above the lifeguard station*

W: So let’s get started with One Crazy Summer.

 

Written and directed by Savage Steve Holland

 

Cast:

Hoops McCann (John Cusack)

Mrs. McCann (Linda Warren)

George Calamari (Joel Murray)

Graduation Orator (Grenville Cuyler)

Egg Stork (Bobcat Goldthwait)

Squid Calamari (Kristen Goelz)

Clay Stork (Tom Villard)

Ack Ack Raymond (Curtis Armstrong)

Crossing Guard (Laura Waterbury)

Andrea (Jennifer Yahoodik)

Brunhelda (Rachel C Telegen)

Cassandra Eldridge (Demi Moore)

Stain (John Matuszak)

Biker 1 (Paul Lane)

Biker 2 (Don Ruffin)

Biker 3 (Gary Littlejohn)

Biker 4 (Pat McGoarty)

Man on Ferry Boat (Anthony Viveiros)

Cameraman (Isidore Mankofsky)

Teddy Beckersted (Matt Mulhern)

Cookie Campbell (Kimberly Foster)

Ty (Jeremy Piven)

Grandma (Billie Bird)

Uncle Frank (Bruce Wagner)

General Raymond (Joe Flaherty)

Yuppie Preacher (Al Mohrmann)

Aguilla Beckersted (Mark Metcalf)

Aguilla’s Maids (Sharon Hope, Donna Clements, Alberta Glover, Pamela Shaddock)

Old Man Beckersted (William Hickey)

Fat Guy (Jerry Winsett)

Medics (Bill Hoversten and Donald Watson)

Ty’s Girl (Lisa Melilli)

Screaming Girl (Deborah Bial)

Taylor (Taylor Negron)

Wilbur (Rich Hall)

Dew Drop Inn Band (Bob Gage, Bob Duncan, Herb Mingace and Earl Blank)

Chong Freen (Donald Li)

Giant (Barry Doe)

Victim (Scott Richards)

Beautiful Girl (Elizabeth Field)

Producer (Len Lawrence)

Doctor (Barry Karas)

Patient (John Blood)

Nurse (Joan Drott)

Regatta Judge (Jim Cooke)

Man Overboard (Robert Boardman)

Crewman (John Fiore)

Disc Jockey (Rich Little)

Girl on Beach (Cindy Baer)

Little Girl (Radha Rebekah Lewis)

Paramedic (Mark Vafiades)

 

*Thug D reads the tag-line(

D: “An aspiring teenage cartoonist and his friends come to the aid of a singer trying to save her family property from developers.”

W: Sounds crazy…ha…ha.

 

*Movie opens with Hoops McCann narrating an animation of a rhino meeting bunnies*

W: Like out of the three stooges.

 

*Rhino goes apeshit on the bunnies*

W: Hahahahhaa was not expecting that.

 

*Hoops says “This is a love story not Rambo*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Hoops mom says he’s graduating today*

W: College or high school?

D: She washed his cap and gown so it shrunk.

W: Generic High School hahaha.

D: It’s cool that this takes place in the North.

 

*Cap impales the kid next to him*

W: Hahaha what??? Is this a horror comedy?

 

*Twisted Sister’s Be Cool To Your School plays as two 8 year old female bullies get their faces stuck. George “There’s some ugly looking kids around here*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Wood’s Hole Salvage is shown with ZZ Top’s Dirty Dog playing*

W: I like the soundtrack.

 

*Hoops takes a piss as Cassandra hides in the bathroom stall from Stain’s gang. Hoops steals the money Stain’s gang was looking for and throws it at them. George drives off with Cassandra jumping in the car with Hoops*

D: He took the gas pump with him.

 

*George drives a Lincoln Contintental 50 feet off a jump to a boat and lands the car perfectly*

D: Only a movie.

 

*Stain drives off the bridge and lands in the water*

W: Ha its John Matuszak from The Goonies.

 

*George says this is gonna be a great summer and they all hit him*

W: Why?

 

*Egg and Clay stork are there to meet George, Squid, Cassandra and Hoops. They’re there to work security*

W and D: Hahahhaha

 

*Teddy, Ty and Cookie are introduced*

W: A young Jeremy Piven.

 

*George, Hoops and Squid visit Grandma and the dog eats the toy. Grandma ignores George and Hoops. George says to meet Uncle Frank*

D: You’re gonna love this.

 

*Uncle Frank just wants to win radio contests*

W: Bruce Wagner wrote Nightmare on Elm Street 3

 

*General Raymond is introduced*

W: Its Joe Flaherty, I love this guy.

 

*Raymond says he thought George would be in prison by now*

W: Hahahhaa

 

*Raymond asks where Ack Ack is. He’s under fire while taking shells. The shells are not seashells but artillery shells*

W: HAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

*Ack finds a headless doll and goes on a speech about a broken hearted girl*

W: Hahahaha even better.

 

*Hoops drives by and sees Cassandra at a funeral. He backs into the Priest’s car*

D: Hahahahahaha he dinged the bumper.

 

*Aguilla is introduced*

W: Neidermayer from Animal House.

 

*Aguilla grabs Teddy who’s wearing floaties*

D: Ha, he’s wearing floaties.

 

*Teddy says if Cassandra doesnt raise enough money, Aguilla gets her land*

W: Yay, a point to this movie.

 

*Hoops draws a Hippo and a girl to impress Cassandra. She wants to see him play basketball because his father was a big player*

W: Let me guess, his father is Pete Maravich.

D: No, he’s never introduced.

 

*George is buried in the sand. The Stork Twins and Hoops chill until Cookie and two friends show up. She wants his help to put her boat in the water. Egg and Clay don’t want to. Cookie asks out Hoops and he asks what about Teddy. She says he’s busy. Meanwhile some fat guy sits over George listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Down on The Corner*

W: Good soundtrack.

 

*George has been gassed and Hoops tells Cassandra nobody wanted to revive him. He says he has to go to supper and tells Cassandra good luck at her gig. Grandma charges 15 dollars for dinner, George and The Twins make Hoops pay*

W: Ha.

 

*George says Teddy will be at the reception where Aguilla takes Cassandra’s land. Ack Ack, George and The Twins say to go on the date and help Cassandra later.Hoops narrates an animation of a boyfriend lizard pounding the rhino. Hoops wants to see Cassandra and Cookie stands in the door before he can go*

W: Wow.

 

*Hoops spots Cassandra on the side of the road and leans out the window. “Hey you need a ride?” Cookie splashes her with puddle water and drives off. She doesn’t pick up hitchhikers*

W: Hahahaha that didn’t work.

D: He better run next time she sees him.

 

*The Twins bungle the battle plan. Meanwhile Hoops is scared of Teddy and is hiding in bushes he brought with him in the car. She intimidates him some more and he runs out of the car. Ty nearby spots him*

W: Uh oh.

 

*Cassandra makes it to the Dew Drop Inn*

W: My dad’s been there.

 

*George sneaks up on Hoops as Egg dresses up as Godzilla and does standup until he realizes he was supposed to watch Teddy*

W: Saw that coming.

 

*Grandma needs gas from two attendants*

W: Ha, they’re reading Mad Magazine.

 

*Cassandra performs at Dew Drop Inn in front of 3 people*

W: That’s not her real voice is it?

D: I dont know.

 

*Aguilla introduces the banker Chong and lets him turn the lights on. Meanwhile Hoops hands Cookie a trash bag of popcorn. Ty rats out Hoops to Teddy as Egg in the Godzilla suit terrorizes the miniature city model*

W: Hahaha nice touch.

 

*Chong loves the Godzilla touch*

W: Hahaha.

 

*George looks for Egg but can’t find him. Cookie drives off with Hoops. Raymond gives a speech about death to Ack Ack and a bunch of child campers*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Raymond says he won’t allow cowards in his house so Ack Ack either enlists or is disowned. Hoops falls down a hole and the campers bandage him up and scare Cookie away. Hoops, George, Ack and Egg are outside Dew Drop Inn. Teddy runs up and threatens to pound Hoops but Cassandra says she bets 100 bucks Hoops can beat him in basketball. Teddy hits a bunch of shots while not even trying and Hoops can’t hit shit*

W: Thought he was supposed to be good.

 

*Cassandra maces Teddy, Ty and his gang and allows Hoops’ crew to get away. Once to safety, Hoops tries to apologize to Cassandra but she walks off*

W: All because of a puddle.

 

*George reads the obituary “Ever notice people die in alphabetical order*

W: Hahahahahahahaha

 

*Ack Ack breaks the fourth wall and Hoops has an idea but George is gassed again*

W: The first time was funny, the second was overkill.

 

*Hoops draws cartoons in order to raise money for Cassandra’s show. George and Squid get made fun of, someone throws popcorn at Hoops. Egg and Clay mug people and hand them flyers. Cassandra notices the flyers and George puts one on Aguilla’s door. Uncle Frank tries to win a million dollars*

W: He’ll win.

 

Aguilla asks who Cassandra is and Teddy doesn’t know. Aguilla says if he raises enough money she may be able to buy back her land. Teddy says they must be stopped. Egg and Clay pick up Aguilla’s car and Teddy bullies them*

W: Can’t wait till he gets his.

 

*Ack visits the Twins and Egg tells a funny story*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Hoops says this is the biggest media blitz in the history of Nantuckett. Hoops goes to tell her something but he falls down the stairs*

D: Ouch.

 

*Ack Ack uses a mortar launcher to blow up a boat so Hoops can steal the Lobster Truck owned by Aguilla. They drop off hundreds of Lobsters into Aguilla’s pool. Teddy kisses Cookie and dives in*

W: Wouldn’t the chlorine kill the lobsters?

D: Yeah in real life.

 

*Jaws theme plays as Cookie and Teddy are attacked. The Twins dance in celebration*

W: Ha.

 

*Cassandra performs in a packed house. George robs somebody as Squid dances with Clay*

W: Hahaha.

 

*Egg floors some poor lady*

D: Heh.

 

*Hoops counts the money with the dog working security*

W: Neyz would love that.

 

*Aguilla, Old Man Beckerstead and Teddy crash the party….then turn around and leave. Meanwhile Chong Freen tells Cassandra that Aguilla has bought the house from the bank. The gang goes to see her and Aguilla is there saying the house is theirs. He kicks the dog*

W: Neyz would have killed him.

 

*Hoops and Ack Ack come up with a plan. Ack Ack says they need to win the boat race to get Aguilla and Teddy disowned by the Old Man. They find the worst looking boat*

W: Oh boy, ripping off Summer Rental.

 

*Montage of Hoops crew fixing up the boat*

W: Oh boy, a montage.

 

*George wants to christen the boat and pulls out a nip bottle. Cassandra goes to smash it and punches a hole in the boat*

W and D: Hahahahhaa

 

*Ack Ack says Hoops is captain of the boat but Hoops says no and runs off. He tells Cassandra he’s afraid of boats. Cassandra says he’s had the wrong experience*

D: Yeah, come have sex with me.

 

*Clay says they don’t have an engine but then remembers something. Clay comes back with Teddy’s car and a bloody nose, Teddy hit him. Egg goes to town with a chainsaw on the car*

D: Good, douchebag deserved it.

 

*Hoops’ crew uses Teddy’s car engine for their boat. He pulls up and Teddy not only flips him off but cuts a stuffed Odie’s tongue out and Ack Ack is pissed*

W: Someone kill these guys.

 

*George motivates Egg by saying Teddy insulted his favorite pro wrestler*

W: Why I aughtta.

 

*Hoops’ sail is a Bullwinkle poster*

D: That’s awesome.

 

*Aguilla loads up his crossbow and Teddy tries to stop him. Aguilla shoots the sail down with an arrow but Hoops says they’re not dead yet. Hoops shoots a weighted ball with the sail 30 feet into the hole*

D: The one shot he makes.

 

*Ty cheats by knocking someone on a rival boat into the water*

D: Damn, that could have killed the guy. I would have pressed chargers.

 

*Ack Ack dives in and saves the guy, tells the guys to go on. Aguilla notices them gaining and goes to fire another arrow. The giant dolphin with rabies drops Aguilla in the water and Teddy leaves him behind to win the race. Squid is driving the dolphin*

W: Squid saves the day.

 

*Ty and Teddy taunt Hoops until Hoops turns on the Corvette engine and the thing blows, revealing the whole back of the car is powering the boat*

D: Ha that’s great.

 

*Hoops, George, Egg and Clay blow past Ty and Teddy giving them the finger, Teddy realizes his car is powering the boat*

W: About time.

 

*Cookie cheers on Hoops who naturally wins the race. Hoops kisses Cassandra on land. George kisses Cookie*

D: There ya go.

W: Hahaha.

 

*Squid embraces her dog who has puppies all wearing neck cones*

W: Neyz would love that.

 

*Raymond hugs Ack Ack and says he’s damn proud of him and to come home. Ack doesn’t want to give back the bazooka*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Hoops wants to trade the trophy with Teddy for Cassandra’s house. Teddy takes the trophy and says “Sucker” before Old Man Beckerstead stops him. He gives the trophy back to Hoops and the deed back to Cassandra before pulling Teddy away by the ear*

W: Finally.

 

*Animation of Rhino and lover getting away while the bunnies blow up. Meanwhile Uncle Frank wins a million dollars but pulls the phone out of the outlet so the money goes to someone else. He uses a rocket launcher to blow up the radio station. Egg wants to have a bonfire with the explosion, end credits*

W: Hahahaha.

 

Thug D’s Assessment: I give it an 8 out of 10. Fun movie to turn your brain off to.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I agree, 8 out of 10. Its mindless and its stupid but its fun.

Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Brilliant

 

*Warlock rises from the lounge chair*

W: Well that was a perfect way to spend a day at the beach. It was a cheesy, 80’s comedy but it was very entertaining and well worth a look. You had a lot of well knowns in the cast and a few up and comers as well. Its not meant to be taken seriously so if you turn your brain off, you’re going to love it. That about wraps up another goodtastic adventure, now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

 

 

 

315. Killdozer (1974)

*The Warlock is driving down the road in his red 1958 Plymouth Fury. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades while listening to Back in Black by AC/DC. He pulls up to The Base, pulls over next to a panzer and walks into the Barracks. Mr. America is there in the common area in his recliner cleaning his Carbine rifle. He’s wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

Mr. America: Did you get it?

Warlock: I got it.

Mr. America: Wonderful.

*Warlock tosses America at DVD box*

America: So if Mr. Wallstreet ever returns, we’ll be ready.

Warlock: Exactly.

America: And here’s what you wanted.

*America turns on the TV, the DVD is already cued and ready to go*

America: What the hell is this anyway?

Warlock: Remember Clint Walker from The Dirty Dozen?

America: Barely.

Warlock: He was in Snowbeast too.

America: Oh god, we’re gonna watch THAT again?

Warlock: No no, he was in another horror movie and that’s what we’re about to watch.

America: Which is?

Warlock: Killdozer.

America: Kill….dozer.

Warlock: As if you couldn’t guess, its about a possessed bulldozer.

America: To hell with Christine, I want that thing.

*Warlock sits in the other recliner*

Warlock: So let’s not waste any more time, let’s begin Killdozer.

 

*Warlock reads the tagline*

Warlock: “A small construction crew on an island is terrorized when some strange spirit-like being takes over a large bulldozer, and goes on a killing rampage.”

America:  *sighs and shakes his head* ehhhhh.

 

*Movie opens with asteroid going to Earth*

Warlock: Check out the claymation asteroid.

America: More like a huge piece of styrofoam….and since when did asteroids turn into Sputnik?

 

*Asteroid hits island*

Warlock: It really does look like a huge heaping pile of shit.

 

*Foreman drives by his crew*

Warlock: What the hell you lookin at?

 

*Beltran (James Watson 3rd) talks with Kelly (Clint Walker). Kelly tries to radio Mac (Robert Ulrich)*

America: He doesn’t want to talk to you.

 

*Mac and Dutch (James Wainwright) look for Life magazines*

Warlock: Who the hell would want that?

 

*Kelly is the Foreman and he tells Dutch and Mac to get to work, they only have 5 days. Kelly tells Dutch to give Beltran a hand on the access road*

Warlock: Which hand?

 

*Dutch runs over stuff with the bulldozer*

Warlock: What’s so menacing about a bulldozer anyway? Its so slow that you can easily outrun it.

America: Nothing.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: Little late for the credits.

 

*Special guest star*

Warlock: Special guest star?? This is a movie, not a show.

 

*Dutch gets stuck in the cliff*

America: Did he just get stuck? Dude you’re an idiot. This guy can navigate a beach in a jeep meanwhile this idiot rams the bulldozer into the side of a cliff.

 

*Kelly comes over to Dutch*

Warlock: Duhhhh I got bulldozer stuck.

 

*Dutch listens to strange trilling coming from the asteroid*

America: Its not a sea shell.

 

*Kelly rams the asteroid and it wakes up. The blue light transfers from the rock to the bulldozer. Dutch is knocked flat during the transfer. Kelly checks on him*

Warlock: The dialogue is horribly looped.

 

*Beltran, Dutch and someone else get mad at Kelly for Mac getting sick. Kelly is trying to radio for help with greasy guy. Later on Mac tells everyone to leave but Kelly. Mac tells Kelly about the blue light that burned his face. Mac says he’s a gonner*

Warlock: If he’s dead why is he still talking?

America: I don’t know.

 

*Kelly tells Mac to rest and relax as Mac says the blue light went from the rock to the bulldozer*

America: You know, with horror movies not exactly being box office smashes in the early 1970’s, you’d think actors would be more careful about what roles they would take. Who wants to go see a haunted bulldozer?

 

*Dutch is enraged when Kelly tells him Mac is dead. Beltran holds Dutch back from going after Kelly*

Warlock: Wow, there’s one for the rampage.

 

*Kelly checks out the bulldozer*

America: Yep, its still a bulldozer.

 

*Bulldozer attacks Kelly with strange noises*

America: This music doesn’t fit.

Warlock: Its not even music.

 

*Bulldozer runs over the jeep with Kelly in it, Kelly is ok as the bulldozer stops*

America: Bulldozer is dead, the end.

 

*Chub (Neville Brand), Dutch, Beltran, Dennis (Carl Betz) bury Mac and give a eulogy*

Warlock: That would bring a tear to a glass eye.

 

*Beltran pulls out a bottle of whiskey and says its the only way to remember an Irishman*

Warlock: Ha!

 

*Dutch tells Mac stories*

Warlock: Ah lovely, character development on a guy who’s already dead.

 

*Dennis goes through Mac’s stuff, Dutch gets mad until Dennis says it has to be done. Kelly walks in and Dennis offers him a drink. Kelly grabs the bottle and says the bar is closed*

Warlock: Wow what an asshole.

 

*Beltran asks what his problem is. Dennis says Kelly is a dried out drunk*

Warlock: Ohhhhh, nevermind. The other guy is an asshole.

 

*Dennis throws a rock and hits the bulldozer*

America: You hit me.

 

*Bulldozer almost falls on Dennis*

Warlock: You missed.

 

*Kelly radios for help as the Dozer flickers. Chub calls him over*

America: Hey greasy!

 

*Chub gives Kelly a rundown on the bulldozer that its in reasonably good shape except the fuel line has been cut. Kelly says he did that on purpose. Chub says the only thing he found wrong was a strange noise coming from inside. Kelly says its not important*

America: Ha, boy are you mistaken.

 

*Kelly tells Chub not to worry about it*

America: Not if it kills you first.

 

*Dennis confronts Kelly about the blue light. Kelly says its the bulldozer. Dennis says it makes sense since the thing almost took his foot off*

Warlock: Yeah really.

 

*Beltran takes off with the bulldozer as Chub tries to stop him. The dozer moves on its own and runs over the radio that Kelly was using*

Warlock: Wow…..the alien is smart.

 

*Dennis takes off on the jeep after Beltran*

America: Hot pursuit!

 

*Beltran jumps off the bulldozer and the thing chases him*

Warlock: Its a bulldozer! I can walk away faster than it can move.

 

*Beltran tries to hide in a barrell*

Warlock: What the hell are you thinking?

 

*Bulldozer runs over the barrell, killing Beltran*

Warlock: Saw that coming.

America: Good luck explaining his death to the rest of the people.

 

*Dennis, Dutch and Chub bury Beltran. Bulldozer goes up hill*

America: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

 

*Dennis, Chub and Dutch surround Kelly*

America: You got some explainin to doooooo.

 

*Dutch asks what really happened. Kelly says he doesn’t know what happened. Dutch said Kelly saw pink elephants. Chub said he saw Beltran out of control. Kelly says they have an hour of daylight left so they need to get to work*

Warlock: What?? Hahaha 2 guys are dead, if I was him I’d be like “Let’s get the fuck out of here!” Not only that, if I were the other guys I would have said fuck this and leave.

 

*Dutch “Can you believe that guy?”

Warlock: No, I can’t.

 

*Dutch tells another Mac story but Dennis isn’t listening. Dutch says they should go swimming, Dennis sarcastically tells him they can send out for pizza too*

Warlock: I want pizza.

 

*Dutch listens to some generic folk song on the radio as Dennis notices bulldozer tracks. Dennis asks what happened and Kelly says pink elephants. Dennis says for real and Kelly says the bulldozer was moving on its own. Dennis says its the blue light but Kelly doesn’t believe it. He thinks that because the thing has no fuel line that its dead. He tells Dennis to get some sleep because they got work to do in the morning*

Warlock: What union are they apart of that makes them work through death?

 

*Dennis spots the bulldozer mashing through shit on its own. It spots Dennis and flashes it lights*

America: Pretty sure it sees you.

 

*Dennis confronts Kelly the next day and shows a piece of the rock to Kelly. Dennis says the thing came from outer space and its taken possession of the dozer. Kelly asks what to do and Dennis says they have dynamite. Kelly goes to say the D9 cost 90 grand but stops himself and says okay. Meanwhile Chub and Dutch are refueling a different bulldozer. Suddenly the D9 shows up and plows through their living area*

Warlock: Well guess this is the big finale.

America: By running over tents?

Warlock: Notice after every scene with someone dying they go back to the tent for a scene when nothing’s happening? Now they don’t have the tents for the do nothing scenes.

America: Get some sticks and some leaves, voila you got shelter.

 

*Dennis and Chub look on with Dutch and Kelly*

America: I guess he doesn’t have to tell them that its alive now.

 

*Dennis goes over the wreckage and tells Kelly they have enough supplies to last a day and Kelly says the supply boat will be there in 2 days. Dutch says D9’s don’t move on their own*

Warlock: No shit sherlock!

 

*Kelly rallies Dutch and Chub to get moving to higher ground. Dutch refuses to ride with Kelly and rides with Dennis. He tells Dennis that he played in the Cotton Bowl in 64 and caught two touchdowns*

Warlock: What does that have to do with ANYTHING?

America: Nothing at all.

 

*The crew head off for higher ground while the D9 putters around below*

Warlock: So this is the inspiration for Christine?

America: Could be.

 

*Dutch, Dennis, Chub and Kelly stop deep up a hill to look around. Dutch still doesn’t believe it and acts erratic. Chub says the dozer kills and that’s good enough for him. Kelly and Chub take off while Dutch tells Dennis they should split up*

Warlock: Uh oh….

America: No……DO NOT SPLIT UP…OH MY GOD DO NOT SPLIT UP. If you guys split up I swear to god I will want all of you to die with no survivors.

 

*Kelly says they need to find a way to trap it as he sees the D9 on its way up the hill. Chub can’t believe it and says there should be no way with no fuel it can climb that high. Kelly and Chub start a bonfire*

Warlock: Got any marshmallows?

 

*Kelly says to ram a burning jeep into the D9. Dennis says that may not be the right thing to do. Kelly says to try it anyway*

Warlock: The pacing on this movie is all over the place.

 

*D9 runs over the bonfire*

Warlock: Its smart enough to cut off their ways out.

 

*Dutch compares this situation to Vietnam*

America: I don’t think so.

 

*Bulldozer heads toward the convoy. Dennis and Kelly move out of the way but Dutch and Chub go directly into its path. Dutch jumps out of the jeep but Chub doesn’t move and is run over and killed. The next day shows the 3 buried bodies*

Warlock: Guess I was wrong about this being the finale.

America: Ya think?

 

*D9 watches Dennis bury Chub. Dutch asks Kelly if he believes that thing. Asks what its waiting for. Kelly “What’s its hurry?” Dutch figures out the thing knew what they were going to do*

Warlock: At least one of them is smart enough to realize its an intelligent being.

 

*D9 causes an avalanche of rocks, Dennis is knocked down and the others run to rescue him and drive off*

America: Why didn’t you take the OTHER jeep too?

Warlock: A big mistake.

 

*Kelly says they need to keep running but Dennis says to stay and fight. Dutch says to Dennis “You stink!”

Warlock and America: Hahahahahaahahahahahaha!

 

*Dutch wants to go swimming*

America: Enough with the swimming.

 

*Dutch goes to tell another Mac story but stops. He says Dennis is crazy*

America: That makes two of you.

 

*Kelly hands the bottle of whiskey to Dutch and says to go relax. Dennis takes a swig too*

Warlock: Kelly says “Its poisoned, hahaha!”

 

*Kelly takes a swig too and says to take it away. Kelly and Dennis ask what they are gonna do when this is over. Dennis says there’s going to be an investigation and they can’t explain this*

Warlock: Yeah you can…if you want to be thrown in the Happy Home.

 

*An intoxicated Dutch steals the jeep and drives right into the D9. The thing stops short and Dutch tries to start it repeatedly*

America What are you doing? Get out and run!

 

*Dutch just sits there and gets run over. Dennis and Kelly take off on foot as the D9 chases them*

Warlock: See? Easily can outrun it.

 

*Dennis spots a large steam shovel and hop inside it. The two machines collide. Dennis is the shovel operator so he knows how to use it. Kelly tells him to aim for the top*

Warlock: Does it matter?

 

*Dennis takes off the top part of the exhaust on the D9. The D9 snaps off the crane so they ran back to base. Kelly says they can’t kill the machine but they went about it wrong. Dennis says it needs to be stopped. Kelly says to electrocute it*

Warlock: They need Storm.

 

*Kelly says this is their last chance and Dennis hides behind the electric generator as bait. Kelly hops in a different bulldozer and waits for D9 to make its move. Kelly then grabs a crowbar and challenges it to come after him*

Warloc: Yeah just beat the shit out of it!

 

*Kelly smashes a light on the D9*

America: He poked an eye out.

 

*D9 takes the bait and runs over the electric current, frying the D9. The blue light appears then slowly fades away*

Warlock: I think they got it.

America: I think so.

 

*Dennis and Kelly listen for the trilling, its gone. Kelly says its dead. Dennis says they should tell the company the others got caught in a landslide. Kelly says no, tell the truth*

Warlock: Yeah, they’ll believe you for sure.

 

*Dennis says he’s glad that he’s alive. Kelly says he is too and throws off his hard hat. Before it lands the movie stops and the credits roll*

Warlock: That’s…it?

America: That was….something.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3. We get it…a killer bulldozer. Whoopie. At least you could follow the story.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 4.5….it was below average but it didn’t suck. It wasn’t that bad and had a decent cast. It wasn’t good but it wasn’t that bad.

Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10 – Bad

 

*Warlock rises from the recliner*

Warlock: Well that was a waste of time. Not that I was expecting The Deer Hunter with a movie titled Killdozer but I didn’t think it was going to be that boring. Clint Walker and Robert Ulrich can act but this was a script you can’t possibly give your best effort on. A bulldozer looks menacing but the problem is a real one moves to slow to be scary. I can jog in a circle a lot faster than it would take a dozer to turn in a circle. Can I recommend this movie in the end? No, I can’t. Well that about wraps up another craptastic adventure, now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

*Warlock walks outside and the Plymouth Fury starts by itself. He hops in, buckles in and it moves forward with his arms folded*

314. Mikey (1992)

*The Warlock is driving to Thug D’s Palace in his red 1958 Plymouth Fury while listening to the Midnight Express theme. He pulls up to the Palace and gets out. He’s wearing a white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades while carrying a DVD box. He walks into D’s man cave where he’s sitting on his throne wearing a jean jacket with band patches on it, Manowar t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*

D: So you finally got your head out of your ass huh?

W: Wasn’t just me.

D: Yeah, but you should have made amends a long time ago.

W: Did you want me here to lecture or to see this movie?

D: What movie is it?

W: Remember when we were kids and Blockbuster had the horror section. They had those great covers like Funhouse and Happy Birthday To Me?

D: Yeah.

W: Remember Mikey?

D: Wasn’t that about the killer child?

W: Apparently.

D: Yeah, it rings a bell.

W: Well that’s what we’re watching.

*Warlock takes his seat on the nearby couch*

W: So let’s not delay, its time for Mikey.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A seemingly innocent and sweet little boy causes murder and mayhem in his new neighborhood and falls for the teenage girl next door”

D:  Pfft, uh….so I guess we’re watching the prequel to The Good Son.

 

*Movie opens with Mikey (Brian Bonsall) lighting a match and blowing it out*

Warlock: Well that was pointless.

D: He just went to the bathroom so he’s trying to get rid of the smell.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: I like the soundtrack

 

*Mikey is setting things on fire, his stepmom slaps him an says not to do that. His sister Beth made him do it but blamed him. Later he takes her doll and throws it in the pool. She falls in and he just stares at her*

Warlock: Wow.

D: This kid’s like Bart SImpson mixed with Hannibal Lector.

 

*Girl drowns and Mikey confronts the step-mom. She’s in the tub and he says she doesn’t love him. He throws the hair dryer into the tub and electrocutes her*

D: Normally the hair dryer has to go INTO the water.

Warlock: I noticed that too.

 

*Kid nonchalantly looks at the body floating in the pool*

D: They could have just given him the Super Nintendo.

 

*His father comes home and trips all over Mikey’s marbles before falling through the glass outside. Mikey caves in his head with a baseball bat*

Warlock: Wowwww what the fuck is up with this kid.

 

*Detective Reynolds (Mark Venturini) and his partner go over the crime scene and figure a robber did it with a two-by-four*

Warlock: Hacksaw Jim Duggan did not do this.

 

*Reynolds asks Mikey who did it. He gives him a coackammie description of the killer. Reynolds wonders why everyone is dead so far apart but no forced entry*

Warlock: Wow, who do you think did it?

 

*Therapist clears Mikey of any pychological problems and says he needs a new home*

D: So he can kill more people.

 

*Neil Trenton (John Diehl) and his wife Rachel (Mimi Craven) are his new parents*

Warlock: Detective Zito from Miami Vice.

 

*Neil spots the bat and asks if he likes to pitch. Mikey says he’s a better hitter*

Warlock: Hahahaha good one.

 

*Neil and Rachel take him home. He meets Mrs Owens (Peppi Sanders) and his son Ben (Whit Herford)*

D: Its the creepy kid from Nightmare on Elm Street 5.

 

*Mrs Owens says they know they’ll be good friend*

D: Until he drowns him in gasoline.

 

*Shawn (Ashley Laurence) enters*

Warlock: Hey its Kristy.

 

*Neil and Rachel put Mikey to bed. Mikey thanks them*

Warlock: He’s gonna sick a rabid animal on them next.

D: “Mikey, you’re such a scamp!”

 

*Neil and Rachel bond over trying to be parents*

Warlock: Character development nice.

 

*Mikey plays with toys*

D: I want to grow up to be a GI Joe so I can kill everyone.

 

*Mikey learns archery with Neil*

D: Oh great, give the kid a bow and arrow.

 

*Neil shows Mikey how to shoot while dressed as Native Americans. Mikey hits the target dead center on his first try*

Warlock: Sharpshooter.

 

*Mikey is in Shawn’s class, she’s his teacher. Ben waves hi and Shawn introduces him to the class. He high fives Ben and Shawn talks about the marble prize*

Warlock: Wow this really is like the Good Son but this came first.

 

*Ben says his father died in a hospital. Mikey gets pissed and says his parents AREN’T dead. Mikey runs off and Ben has to chase him. Mikey lays on a grave and says “Dead people aren’t the ones to be afraid of, living people are”

Warlock: Good line.

 

*Ben and Mikey play with a frog. Mike looks at a picture of Ben’s sister Jessie (Josie Bissett). Later in class Shawn says in order to get people to like him is to be himself*

Warlock: You don’t want that.

 

*Neil and Rachel bring Mikey to the zoo. Mikey brings an older couple their bag they left behind. They go to pay him but Mikey refuses to take their money. The couple tells Rachel and Neil that he’s a keeper and he has Neil’s eyes*

Warlock: That’s sweet.

 

*Rachel gives Shawn a gun*

Warlock: Arms dealing, wonderful.

 

*Mikey draws a picture of a turkey killing a pilgrim*

Warlock: That’s AWESOME.

 

*Mr Jenkins (Lyman Ward) brushes off the picture Shawn give him. Jenkins said he did the same thing when he was Mikey’s age. Jenkins tells her to not worry about it. He looks at the picture again*

Warlock: Im gonna hang this on my wall!

 

*Shawn visits the adoption office and wants Mikey’s records unsealed*

Warlock: Shes the only one with a brain.

 

*Mikey is at soccer and he refuses to take off his shirt in a shirt/skin game*

D: Take off your shirt so I can stare at you.

 

*Jenkins brings Mikey inside to chat one on one*

D: He could never get away with that.

 

*Jenkins grills Mikey about his background and why he doesnt want to take his shirt off. Mikey says his real parents were bad. He doesn’t answer, he checks out a skeleton and asks how it died*

Warlock: This guy would make a great coroner.

 

*Jessie comes home*

D: Nice imitation AC/DC

 

*Ben pretends Mikey needs mouth to mouth. Jessie asks if this was a joke. Ben says no. Jessie checks his pulse and he really has none. She gives him mouth to mouth and he pops up. She tackles Ben and asks how Mikey pulled off not having a pulse. Mikey says he had a ball under his arm*

Warlock: Brilliant!

 

*Jessie’s boyfriend David (David Rogge) is hiding in the closet. They kiss after Ben and Mikey leave*

D: Close the door, Mikey will kill you!

 

*Mikey sneaks into Jessie’s room at night*

D: That’s great a 9 year old rapist.

 

*Mikey hides under her bed where Butch the frog hops around. Jessie wakes up and notices the window wide open, she closes it. Next frame is Mikey checking out the fish. He puts the frog into the fish tank*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Shawn asks Mikey how to spell assassin, Ben helps him spell it*

Warlock: Youuuuureeee cheating.

 

*Mikey wins the marble prize, its a watch. He shows the fish. Shawn calls Mikey’s former school and the woman says Mikey’s whole family were murdered*

Warlock: All that for a damn watch?

 

*Mikey talks to Jessie by the pool*

D: There hasn’t been a killing in a while.

Warlock: I like that, build up characters to kill them off.

 

*Jessie and Mikey bond in the lake*

Warlock: Keep him happy with girls and he won’t kill anyone.

 

*Jessie tells Mikey he can look at girls but not stare*

Warlock: Be like us and don’t get caught.

 

*Mikey watches the footage of himself killing his father*

Warlock: Where did he get that?

D: Nice evidence tampering.

 

*Neil puts Mikey to bed, they bond a little over a bedtime story*

Warlock: I’m shocked, these are generally nice people.

 

*Mikey video tapes Jessie undressing but David is in the room*

Warlock: Ohhhhhhh shit.

D: Mayyyybe his next victim? I’d say so.

Warlock: There’s not a more dangerous animal than a jealous boyfriend.

 

*Mikey heaves a rock through the window*

Warlock: Well he was a pitcher.

 

*David runs outside and yells to come and get some. Jessie tells him to come inside. He grills her about any boyfriends. The cat goes over to Mikey and he snaps its neck*

Warlock: There’s your next victim, the cat.

 

*David wants to get some but Jessie is not in the mood. He starts his car up and puts in reverse, he hears a snap. Sure enough, the cat is underneath the wheel. He honks the horn to get Jessie out there. Mikey records it all*

D: Wow, that’s gonna be his downfall.

 

*Mikey in school pokes himself with a tack as he answers a math question. Shawn asks why hes doing that. He doesn’t answer. Jenkins and Shawn bring in Neil and Rachel for questioning. Shawn tells Neil and Rachel he’s self mutilating and Neil brushes it off. “Oh now we got Ted Bundy Jr”

Warlock: Nah, Bundy just killed women.

 

*Rachel accuses Shawn of never wanting her to be happy. They storm out and Shawn tells Jenkins say they’re too close. Rachel says he’s gonna pull her from his class. Later on Mikey throws a temper tantrum because they sold his fish. He runs upstairs raving*

D: Good thing she didn’t tell him they’ve been sold to Long John Silvers.

 

*Rachel and Neil ponder what to do. Later on Mikey comes home and sees Rachel in the jacuzzi*

D: I cant find the hair dryer so I’ll have to innovate.

 

*Mikey brings her flowers and Rachel says thats nice but he needs to knock. Mikey picks up the hair curler and asks if he threw it in the water would it be an electric chair. She says yes. He unplugs it*

Warlock: That was close!

 

*Later on Ben and Mikey are watching a movie when Jessie walks in. Mikey gives her a stuffed cat and she hugs him*

D: Let me cop a feel.

 

*David barges in and tries to talk to Jessie on his knees*

D: Let me apologize with my head in your crotch.

 

*Mikey asks Ben where his mom is, he says not home*

D: Don’t you notice the mom is never home?

 

Mikey looks out the window and sees Jessie and David in the pool with music*

Warlock: Revenge will be his.

 

*Rachel goes to check on Mikey and Neil asks why. She says he’s too quiet*

Warlock: Wow! How can a kid be too quiet? My parents would jump for joy if I was quiet at age 9.

 

*Mikey gets on the phone and calls someone before putting the phone next to the tv*

Warlock: He really is like Kevin McCallister.

 

*Jessie does a strip tease*

Warlock: This just got better.

 

*Mikey confronts David while Jessie answers the phone. Mikey kicks the radio into the jacuzzi and kills David*

Warlock: Shocking.

 

*Jessie calls out to David for 2 minutes. He pops up dead in the jacuzzi. Jessie screams*

D: Now she’ll be mine.

 

*Shawn calls Reynolds and they both think something is up with Mikey. Jenkins gets a phone all at the school when Shawn walks in. Jenkins is visibly upset and tells Shawn that David was killed at Ben’s house the night before. Jenkins says he was electrocuted in a jacuzzi, Shawn says that’s how Mikey’s step-mom died. She and Jenkins say they need to meet up after class. Rachel back home ponders what happened with Mikey*

Warlock: They’re starting to catch on to him.

 

*Mikey tells Jessie that maybe David was punished for killing the cat. Jessie says you can’t love an animal like a person, she loved David and now he’s dead. Mikey goes to give her a rose and  hug by saying “Now you can just love me” She sends him away*

D: Bitch!

 

*Jessie throws the petals of the rose into the water and figures out Mikey had something to do with David’s death. Jessie looks for Rachel and finds her home. Jessie tells Rachel there’s something wrong with Mikey. She says she thought Mikey has a crush on her but its more an obsession. Rachel doesn’t want to hear it and Jessie screams at her that he’s dangerous. Mikey watches silently from the banister*

D: I’ll get you my pretty. I was really looking forward to that passionate sex.

 

*Shawn gets a fax from Detective Reynolds about how Mikey’s family did. Mikey takes the phone off the hook as Shawn tries to call Rachel. Jenkins runs into her and Shawn tells her that Mikey’s dangerous, they run together to his car*

Warlock: At least they’re smart.

 

*Rachel catches Mikey watching his tape of him killing people. Rachel “What did you do?”*

Warlock: Well bitch, you see the tape. What do you think he just did?

 

*Mikey attacks Rachel with a hammer. Sh gets away once and he nails the fishtank. She runs and locks herself in the study. Shawn and Jenkins drive to Rache;s place but Mikey smashes his way through the outside door. He runs in with a shard of glass and tackles her 2 stories below. Shawn and Jenkins walk in, both Mikey and Rachel are on the stairs. Shawn assumes their both dead and leaves. Jenkins looks at them and leaves*

Warlock: Uh, police? Ever heard of calling the police?

 

*Shawn fumbles with the gun and Jenkins takes it*

Warlock: How about calling an ambulance?

D: Call the pizza guy, anybody!

 

*Jenkins says he’s going into call the police*

Warlock: About time.

 

*Jenkins goes in and looks around. He puts the gun down and goes to use the phone, it won’t work. Mikey picks up the gun and puts it down*

D: Switched it with a fake.

W: Nah he unloaded it.

D: Or both!

Warlock: BRILLIANT!

 

*Jenkins sees Rachel dead. Mikey picks up a bow and arrow and aims it at him. Jenkins shoots at him but its not loaded. Mikey shoots him dead. Mikey says “I guess you were looking for these” he throws the bullets at him*

Warlock: I was right.

 

*Mikey kills Shawn with a slingshot marble. He starts dragging bodies around when Mikey gets a phone call from Neil. Neil says he’s on his way home, Mikey says mom’s not feeling well. Neil says he’ll be home soon. Mikey combs his hair and puts the gas stove on. He then goes to visit Jessie*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Jessie sends him away but he climbs in through the window. Mikey confronts her but she throws him out again. She runs downstairs and the TV is blasting a movie. She shuts it off and says she’s gonna get the little shit. He waits for her with a bow and arrow, he fires and misses by an inch*

D: Again, is this person’s mother ever home?

 

*Neil comes home and Mikey says he’s been waiting. Jessie tries to warn Neil but the window is closed. Neil and Mikey go inside, Neil goes through the mail with blood and bodies everywhere*

Warlock: Love how he doesn’t notice anything.

 

*Mikey shows Neil a table setting with Rachel, Shawn and Jenkins dead next to a skeleton. Mikey throws a molotov cocktail through the window, kills Neil and blows the whole house*

D: Wow, he’d have to be dead too.

 

*The fire department says everyone’s dead including Mikey because they found skeletal remains of a child. Jessie wants to know if they’re sure. Next frame is a couple adopting a kid named “Josh” who has amnesia. The social worker tells the child to come in, its Mikey. Mikey “Are you gonna be my new mommy and daddy?” End credits.

D: This could have been a nice little series.

 

 

Thug D’s Assessment: Not bad all. This was like a slasher only with a child. I give it a 7 out of 10. There were some obvious plotholes but overall it was fun

The Warlock: I give it a 7 too. It really surprised me of how deep the characters were and how sinister 9 year old Mikey was.

Final Grade: 7 out of 10.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W. That was pretty damn cool. This made The Good Son look like Home Alone. I love the character development and the general darkness of the movie. It was like a 30 year old killer inside a 9 year old child. I give props for it being innovative and it is definitely worth a watch. That about wraps up another goodtastic adventure, now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

313. Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016)

*The Warlock and The Grand Wizard are reading Lee Child novels. Wizard is reading Never Go Back while Warlock is reading The Enemy*

Warlock: According to this, Reacher was a well respected Major in the US Army before he became a drifter.

Wizard: Absolutely, Night School is the book where it shows him going from army to drifting.

Warlock: Did they make a movie out of that?

Wizard: No, they made two movies, one was One Shot and the other is the book I’m reading, Never Go Back.

Warlock: Yeah, I remember watching One Shot last year. Why don’t we catch Never Go Back?

Wizard: Why not?

Warlock: Alright then, its time for Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

 

Written by Lee Child, Richard Wenk, Edward Zwick, Marshall Herskovitz

Directed by Edward Zwick

 

Cast:

Jack Reacher (Tom Cruise)

Turner (Cobie Smulders)

Espin (Aldis Hodge)

Samantha (Danika Yarosh)

The Hunter (Patrick Heusinger)

Colonel Morgan (Holt McCallany)

General Harkness (Robert Knepper)

Local Deputy (Judd Lormand)

Onlookers at Diner (Christopher Berry, Hunter Burke)

Sheriff (Jason Douglas)

Smuggled Women (Lizeth Hutchings, Marisela Zumbado, Alexandra Lucchesi)

Sgt Leach (Madalyn Horcher)

Colonel Moorcroft (Robert Catrini)

Buzzcut (Anthony Molinari)

Passenger (Theo Kypri)

Shop Owner (Talbott Lin)

Cibelli (M. Serrano)

Mirkovich (Nicole Barre)

Lt Sullivan (Jessica Stroup)

Fort Dyer MP (Craig Henningsen)

Master Fort Dyer MP (Giovanni Silva)

Prison Guard (Ryan Joseph Broussard)

OPS Center Worker (Josh Breslow)

OPS Center MP (Ninja N Devoe)

Cab Driver (Ernest Wells)

Restaurant Hostess (Caroline Hebert)

DC Policeman (Michael Papajohn)

Nancy Peters (Sharon E Smith)

Art Teacher (Martin Covert)

Pembroke Students (Abbie Gayle, Rae Varela, Taylor Faye Ruffin)

Airport Security (Lee Child)

Hotel Receptionist (Robert Larriviere)

Prudhomme’s Wife (Teri Wyble)

Cage Match Goon (Gordon Alexander)

Decoudreau (Sean Boyd)

Amputee Vet (Zachary James Rukavina)

Junkies (Jared Bankens, Robert Segari)

Prudhomme (Austin Hebert)

Apolline (Darcel White Moreno)

OPS Tech (Jenny Ballard)

OPS Aide (Jesse Malinowski)

Parasource Aide (Billy Slaughter)

Parasource Gate Guard (Ben VanderMay)

Hotel Guest (Ashley Wilks)

Ghoul on Float (Robert John Gilchrist)

Musicians (Bennie Pate, Tyrus Chapman, Larry Lamar Brown, Phillip Sherrell Armand, Harry Darvell Cook, John Arvin Gilbert, Dwayne Finnie, Alvarez Huntley)

Candace (Sabrina Gennarino)

Staff Sgt Logan (Rusty Bourg)

Pimp (Devin Lord Chachere)

Joe Bokemen (Terence Easterling)

Witch Doctor (Divine price Ty Emmecca)

Dred (Stephane Fiossanangaye)

Wendy G Kennedy (Gino Galento)

Prostitute (Brigitte Sharai)

Prada (Wolfgang Stegemann)

Lt Mosely (Daryl Thibodaux)

 

*Grand Wizard reags the tag-line*

Wi: “Jack Reacher must uncover the truth behind a major government conspiracy in order to clear his name. On the run as a fugitive from the law, Reacher uncovers a potential secret from his past that could change his life forever.”

W: Oh boy, we may get a flashback to his military days.

 

*Police show up to a crime scene. An onlooker says 4 guys were taken out by one guy. The one guy sitting and having coffee is Jack Reacher*

W: I’m not surprised.

 

*Sheriff Raymond Wood and deputy take Reacher into custody. Sheriff says Reacher is about to do 10-20 years and Reacher says no, they will. Apparently theyve been kidnapping illegals and Reacher caught them. Sure enough Reacher’s friend Major Turner has brought the MP’s to arrest them*

Wi: The Twister Motel!

 

*Reacher hitches a ride to a different motel and calls Sgt Leach looking for Turner. He calls Turner and finds out its a woman*

W: Oh god its Robin from How I Met Your Mother.

 

*Turner has Reacher’s old job and Reacher is on his way to DC to meet her*

Wi: He bounced someone’s skull off the desk, hahahaha.

 

*Reacher meets Leach and she refers to him as Major. He walks into the office and Colonel Sam Morgan is there instead. Sam says Major Turner has been arrested for espionage*

Wi: What??

 

*Morgan asks if they were friends and Reacher says he never met her. He leaves and Leach gives him the scoop she was ordered not to tell him Turner is gone. She doesnt like it. Reacher says who’s the best military lawyer and she says Colonel Moorcroft. Reacher meets Moorcroft and he says Reacher is a deadbeat dad. A Candace Dutton claims he’s the father of her 15 year old daughter Samantha. Also Turner told Moorcroft that Reacher has no visitation rights to her. Moorcroft says she must have read his file*

W: Ha!

 

*Reacher walks by Colonel Morgan who expects a salute and he doesn’t get one*

Wi: He’s a civilian, he doesn’t have to.

 

*Reacher orders food at a diner and looks at the picture of Samantha as two goons tail him. They turn their heads for ne second and Reacher punches one through the window and pulls a gun on the other. They’re working for Parasource*

Wi: They’re mercs.

W: Right through the window.

 

*Reacher tails Samantha who steals from a grocery store. Reacher loses her outside and she comes from behind and says she doesn’t like being followed. She asks if he’s a cop and he retorts he doesn’t look like one. He asks who she lives with and she flips him off before leaving*

Wi: Damn kids.

 

*Moorcroft gives intel to Reacher that Turner’s top guys Sgt Merkovich and Cibelli were found dead and she was arrested shortly after. Reacher says Parasource is behind it. Moorcroft has no idea what he’s talking about Reacher says he’ll call him tonight. He flashes back to him shooting people*

W: A flashback!

 

*Moorcroft is being tortured by The Hunter*

W: These guys mean business.

 

*Anthony Espin brings Reacher to meet Morgan. Apparently Reacher delayed Espin’s promotion by 6 months when Reacher was in charge. Morgan says he doesn’t have to say anything so Reacher bullshits him. Morgan turns serious and says Moorcroft was beaten to death and Reacher is the prime suspect. Reacher goes to leave but two MP’s stop him. Reacher says he can’t be arrested as a civilian and Morgan says he signed a emergency recall clause when he was discharged. Lt Sullivan is representing Reacher and Jack figures out he’s been set up. Morgan has him arrested and Espin cuffs him.

Wi: I got a funny feeling he ain’t seeing the inside of a jail.

 

*Espin sends him to a detention center where Lt Sullivan calls him a dickhead, Reacher respects that. He apologizes and says to get him food and when she leaves he steals money and some intel out of her bag. He says he’s done there and Espin leads him away. Reacher knocks Espin cold as the two assassins from earlier visit Turner. Reacher in Espin’s uniform shows up*

W: Of course it fits him perfectly.

 

*Reacher knocks out the two assassins and uses a stun gun on the MP. Sullivan unknowingly lets Reacher and Turner out. They run out into a parking lot of black Sedans. Turner hits the car alarm to distract them and says to head to the passing Food Truck. The truck is stopped by the MP and there’s no one in there*

Wi: Where’d they get the police car?

W: They never left the parking lot.

 

*Morgan tells Espin “nice job”. Espin “His ass is mine”

W: Oh boy, a revenge plot.

 

*Morgan says Turner is 34 years old. Reacher “Really?” Turner “Shut up”

W: Ha.

 

*Turner and Reacher catch a cab and Turner says two of her men were killed from the inside. She’s going to find out who. The cab driver listens in and Turner buys his hat from him*

W: Go Natinonals.

 

*Morgan and Espin are tracking Reacher’s movements. He calls The Hunter and says to take them out*

W: They’re all dirty.

 

*The Hunter approaches as they leave the internet cafe, Hunter almost gets hit by a bus*

W: Hahaha

 

*Reacher knows Hunter is coming. They run and a police cruiser is on its way. They find a restaurant and head for the back, clearing out the kitchen staff. They prepare for Hunter and moments later he walks in with a silenced pistol*

Wi: Got a silencer.

 

*Turner and Reacher double team him*

Wi: Break his wrist.

 

*As Reacher and Hunter fight, Turner chases away intruding kitchen staffers with a soup spoon*

W: Hahahha

 

*Hunter beats up both Turner and Reacher and two cops run in. Turner and Reacher escape as Hunter kills both cops*

Wi: This guy’s good, Reacher never loses a fight in the books.

 

*Turner and Reacher catch a bus as Hunter walks out looking for them. Reacher and Turner hit up a motel and she takes her shirt off*

W: That’s more like it.

 

*Turner is jealous he’s not in the army and can do what he wants. Reacher takes a shower and Turner goes through his stuff including the picture of Samantha. Hunter calls up his handler and says Reacher is interesting*

W: Setting up for the big fight at the end.

 

*Reacher returns to the motel with new clothes and a burner phone. Reacher calls Morgan and taunts him. Reacher then walks in the room Morgan is in and disarms him. Turner walks in and they go through his shit. Morgan was being paid off and they hack his email for Turner’s personal files. They take the cash and a flash drive and leave*

W: Ha, they took the cash.

 

*Turner downloads the files and makes copies, Prudhomme was Parasource’s contact in dealing with Mirkovich and Cibelli. Reacher calls up Leach and asks her to find out who Prudhomme is and who Parasource is. Reacher figures out Samantha is being targeted. They run to the crackhouse she was at. They find two dead bodies and Reacher envisions Hunter shooting them with Samantha escaping*

W: If that IS his daughter then she’s got his knack for escaping.

 

*Reacher searches the place for clutes and finds Samantha under the sink. They calm her down and drive off with her. They have a screwdriver in the ignition*

W and Wi: Hahahaha.

 

*Samantha doesn’t want to be there and Reacher has to tell her that people are after her. They stop at Frosty Burgers. Samantha asks why Beth and Herb were killed and Reacher has to explain why*

W: Being a good dad.

 

*Samantha is reluctant to hide out among a catholic school and Reacher asks if she wants to live. Meanwhile Hunter visits Morgan and confronts him. Hunter figures out Reacher’s prints are on Morgan’s phone and beats him to death with it*

Wi: This guy’s a psychopath.

 

*Samantha is brought to Pembrooke on a favor from Nancy, a friend of Turner’s. Reacher watches her try to fit in*

W: Either she’s the only one without makeup or……

 

*Samantha pulls out a phone and texts someone as Reacher notices. He drags her off and she swipes a girl’s backpack. Leach calls Reacher and says Parasource is going broke and Prudhomme was the contractor. As expected Leach tells them Morgan has been killed and Reacher is the suspect. Reacher says they need to find Prudhomme before Parasource does. Samantha pulls out stolen credit cards and Turner calls her a little shit*

W: Fuckin kleptomaniac.

 

*Reacher lifts a guys wallet that has some resemblence to him so he can get everyone on a flight. Samantha gets scared on the flight. Turner says she’s been in the army 10 years. Samantha asks if she’s gay and when she says no, she asks if they hooked up with Reacher. Samantha reveals her military father that left before she was born was a “big hero and total asshole” according to her mother. Reacher spots one of the Parasource guys going to the can and sits next to the other one. He says the haircuts give them away and knocks him cold*

Wi: He made them.

 

*Reacher knocks the other guy out in the shitter and some old guy uses the other stall*

Wi: He’s not feeling well.

 

*Reacher calls up Hunter and says he got them. Hunter “They’re the B team” and Reacher banters back and forth. Reacher makes him for ex-special ops and Hunter says walk away and Samantha won’t get hurt. Reacher realizes he’s at the terminal in New Orleans waiting for him and he runs out with Samantha and Turner. Hunter and two goons chase after them*

Wi: How the hell do they know where they’re going?

W: Reacher’s probably flown there in the past.

 

*Reacher, Turner and Samantha make it to a shuttlebus and Samantha wants to know why they’re after her. Reacher finally tells her that the army thinks he’s her father. Her expression changes*

W: That would be interesting if its true.

 

*Samantha asks to take a DNA test and he says he’s too busy. Samantha says she was behind the parternity suit just to help her mother get clean. Samantha says she should just leave and Reacher says “Okay…where you gonna go?” Next frame is Reacher walks in on girl talk between the two*

W: He didn’t expect them to bond?

 

*Samantha shuts the door in Reacher’s face after he gets her dinner*

W: Ha, she shut him out.

 

*Turner and Reacher banter back and forth. Reacher says he’s gonna go after Prudhomme and she will stay with Samantha. She gets hot and says she’s been dealing with chauvinist crap her whole career and she’s sick of it. Reacher says he’s the senior officer and he’s going. Next frame is Reacher finding Prudhomme’s wife and asks her where he might be. She shows Reacher a photo of him and says he can burn the photo for all she cares*

W: Is he a deadbeat dad too?

Wi: Its Halloween.

W: Its New Orleans, isn’t it always Halloween there?

 

*Reacher is surrounded by goons and he kicks a door in to find a spot to fight*

W: 4 against 1

 

*Head goon says he’s gonna take out Reacher’s legs and Reacher says Turner’s about to call and if he sounds distressed, she’s gone. Goon says to toss him the phone and he does but knocks the guy down. Reacher takes out 3 of them but Hunter takes out the fourth. Hunter taunts Reacher by saying some day he’s gonna take out Samantha and Reacher won’t be able to do it. Reacher goes apeshit with a gun but Hunter is gone*

Wi: He’s in the wind as they say.

 

*Turner is teaching Samantha some defense tactics when Reacher walks in. She asks what he thinks and Reacher blows them off*

W: Jerk.

 

*Lt Coudereau is there to meet Espin. and Espn wants Reacher, Turner and Samantha NOW*

W: Everyone’s after him.

 

*Reacher tells Turner that Prudhomme is a junkie. Turner is still pissed. Reacher asks if she’s mad he treated her like a woman or as a man. Reacher tries to apologize because he’s used to working alone and Turner says she wants them more than he does because her life was ruined. Samantha overhears this and gets up*

W: Uh oh.

 

*Next morning Turner asks Reacher what if she IS his kid and Reacher says he should have been there 15 years ago. Reacher figures out Samantha is gone and she casually walks in. Samantha says she overheard them last night that Prudhomme is a junkie so she spent all night tracking down homeless VA wards and she might have found him. Turner grills her for leaving and she says she can take care of herself. Reacher thanks her without actually saying so and she passes out. Turner and Reacher go look for Prudhomme*

W: They’re gonna leave her alone?

 

*Hunter is looking for Samantha*

Wi: It is Halloween, see the trick or treaters?

W: You’re right.

 

*Turner finds Prudhomme and she smashes his head against the table for lying that he didn’t know her two MP’s that were killed. Prudhomme says Parasource was double dealing with the Afghani’s and when they wanted more money, Parasource said no and they were ambushed. A bunch of people were murdered including Cibelli and Mirkovich (by Hunter). Prudhomme said he ran away and started doing drugs, promised hed get clean when he got home, never did*

W: I’ll say.

 

*Turner asks why would the government worry about contracts if they’re double dealing and Reacher says they need to get over there and find out why. A prostitute slips Espin something and goes back to Turner. Its a phone and Turner calls Espin and starts fingering him for working for Parasource. He denies it and says he’s on her side and Turner gives him a location to where they’re going to be. Espin’s phone has been bugged by Parasource and when DeCoudreau calls Espin about Turner, Espin gives them the location. Parasource boss tells his men including Hunter “no witnesses”

W: Half hour left.

 

*Espin walks in and Prudhomme is there to meet him. Turner calls Espin and says listen to him. Espin has Prudhomme at gunpoint as Samantha watches scary movies*

W: Hahaha.

 

*Espin and Prudhomme are fired on by Parasource mercenaries. Espin is hit in the leg and Prudhomme is shot dead. Reacher jumps in and disarms one of them*

W: Well Espin isn’t in on it otherwise they wouldn’t shoot at him.

 

*The other guy has Reacher and Espin pinned down*

W: Where’s Turner?

 

*Reacher distracts the guy with a searchlight and Turner takes him out. Hunter and Boss look pissed. Reacher and Turner pull Espin to safety. He says they’re gonna need more proof that Parasource is behind this and Reacher says to arrest him. In the car Espin says Parasource was bleeding money and somehow started paying their debt off. Turner asks how that’s possible gun running since its not enough money. Reacher starts thinking*

W: Uh oh.

 

*Samantha orders room service using a stolen credit card and Parasource tracks her. Hunter “I warned him”

W: Saw that coming.

 

*A squad of Mp’s are on their way and Turner drives right through them*

Wi: Game of chicken.

 

*Parasource Boss exits the car, his name is General James Harkness. Turner and Espin confront him about the stolen weapons. Harkness has the crates opened and all the weapons are there*

W: Half hour left, there was no way this would end this soon.

 

*Reacher starts thinking as Turner is arrested. Meanwhile Hunter and a gaggle of goons look for Samantha. Reacher then figures it out and opens the crate. Harkness gives orders to shoot him but Espin disarms the MP. Reacher smashes one of the rocket launchers and a few kilos of opium fall out*

W: Drug money.

Wi: That’s how you make money real quick.

 

*Harkness is arrested by Espin as Hunter has found Samantha’s room. 500 kilos are confiscated as Samantha calls Reacher and says they found her. Reacher and Turner are on their way as Samantha knocks on someone else’s door and uses the fire escape to run*

W: Clever girl.

 

*Samantha is on the run as Turner and Reacher look for her as well*

W: We got 20 minutes to end this.

Wi: And tie up a loose end.

 

*Reacher calls Hunter and says to end this one on one. Hunter says no way, he found a way to hurt Reacher that’s never been done before. He spots Samantha and tells his two goons to go after her. Turner spots her and tells Reacher where they are. Turner confronts one of the goons and snaps his neck*

W: One down, two to go.

 

*Hunter chases Samantha to a roof*

W: Nowhere to go now.

 

*Second goon shoots at Turner. Reacher bum rushes him off the roof*

W: Bye bye.

 

*Hunter snatches Samantha and holds her on the ledge and threatens to let her go. Reacher says he’ll put it down if he lts her go*

W: Where’s Turner?

 

*Reacher says they’re dead already and puts it down. Samantha uses the trick Turner taught her to disarm him and Reacher tackles him to the ground 20 feet below. Both of them struggle to get up but Hunter gets the upper hand*

Wi: Time for the steel cage match.

 

*Hunter grabs a weapon and Reacher breaks his arm then snaps his neck. Reacher says “Look at me then elbows him in the nose through a fence 30 feet below*

Wi: He went for the foreign object and paid for it.

 

*Reacher has a concussion and is helped up by Turner and Samantha. Samantha asks if it hurt jumping off a building and Reacher says yes*

W: Ha.

 

*Turner in full uniform leads Reacher to his old DC base*

W: There’s his leather jacket like in the books.

 

*Turner thanks him and says to let her know how he and Samantha turn out. Turner says goodbye and Reacher refers to her as Major. Leach salutes her and Espin on crutches greets her. Espin’s full captaincy is restored*

W: Yay.

 

*Reacher meets Samantha in a diner. She asks if he’s the father and he says he’ll know when her mother gets there. She asks if either one will remember the other and he says he’ll know because he remembers the women he slept with. Samantha says he’s not her father then because the waitress that’s been waiting on him is her mother and neither one has said anything*

W: Loose end tied.

 

*Reacher sends Samantha off to the school from earlier*

W: So wait….if she filed a suit just to get her mother clean, did she pick Reacher’s name out of a hat or something?

 

*Samantha runs up and hugs up, he hugs her back*

W: I was wrong, I thought he was unaffected.

Wi: The father she never had.

 

*Samantha slips something to him*

Wi: A cell phone?

 

*Reacher walks down a highway and Samantha texts him “Miss me yet?” He smiles and sticks his thumb out*

Wi: He’s on his merry way.

 

*End credits*

Wi: Alright.

 

The Grand Wizard has no assessment.

The Warlock’s Assessment: 8.5 out of 10….It fixed the pacing issues from the first movie and apart from a few minor gripes, it was a damn good movie.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: Well that was a fun movie. It was better than One Shot in my opinion and the two hours didn’t drag at all. I like how it stayed relative to the source material even though Tom Cruise doesn’t fit the character in terms of look. Jack Reacher is supposed to be built like The Rock and Cruise is a midget. If you don’t know that then you won’t care. All in all its a good movie and in some ways it was better than One Shot. That about wraps up another goodtastic adventure, now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

 

 

312. The Swinger (1966)

*The Warlock is in his 1958 Plymouth Fury driving up Hell’s Highway after a late romp with Lucindia when he gets a phone call from Mr. America*

W: Yeah?

A: Dude you gotta get over here, I found a movie that you’re gonna love.

W: You…have a movie…for me?

A: I’m telling you, get over here now, you’re not going to want to miss it.

W: Why?

A: Ann Margret.

*Warlock hits the gas*

W: On my way.

*Later on Warlock pulls up to The Base. He parks his car and sprints inside. America is waiting for him in green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

W: Alright this better be good.

A: Its called The Swinger.

W: The Swinger?

A: Yeah, my father told me she looks amazing in it.

W: Well she looked great in Bye Bye Birdie and Viva Las Vegas so why not?

*America takes his seat in the recliner and Warlock takes the couch*

W: What’s it about?

A: I have no idea.

W: Well let’s get started then.

 

Written by Lawrence Roman

Directed by George Sidney

 

Cast:

Kelly Olsson (Ann Margret)

Ric Colby (Anthony Franciosa)

Sir Hubert Charles (Robert Coote)

Karen Charles (Yvonne Romain)

Sergeant Hooker (Horace McMahon)

Aunt Cora (Nydia Westman)

Sammy Jenkins (Craig Hill)

Mr. Olsson (Milton Fromme)

Mrs. Olsson (Mary LaRoche)

Clete Roberts (Himself)

Sally (Myrna Ross)

Sir Hubert’s Secretary (Corinne Cole)

Police Captain (Bert Freed)

Jack Happy (Romo Vincent)

Man with Fish (Steven Geray)

John Mallory (Larry D Mann)

Warren (Lance LeGault)

Svengali (Diki Lerner)

Blossom LaTour (Barbara Nichols)

Photographers (Robert Aiken, Ford Dunhill, Peter Gowland, Dick Winslow)

Seedy Character (Phil Arnold)

Elderly Woman (Majorie Bennett)

Comedian (Jack Berle)

Honest Hal (Larry J Blake)

Reporters (Anthony Brand, Myron Healey)

Models (Susan Cavet, Phyllis Davis, Veronica Ericson, China Lee, Deanna Lund, Kathy Martin, Suzy Martin, Midori, Teddy Parks, Dawn Villere, Jan Watson, Diane Webber, Christine Williams, Ilona Wilson)

Card Player (Miriam Chavez)

Tall Girl (Ricki Covette)

Elevator Operator (Debi Creger)

Woman in Elevator (Marie Denn)

Gamblers (George DeNormand, Victor Romito)

Winter (Kellie Everts)

Roy (James Farley)

Cops (Harry Fleer, Max Power)

Elderly Man (Sam Flint)

Court Clerk (Byron Foulger)

Gigolos (Rian Garrick, Lucien Lanvin, Tony Navarro)

Eddie (James Hibbard)

Dumb Model (Beverly Hills)

Police Officer (Robert Hitchcock)

Bum (Clegg Hoyt)

Receptionists (Jean Jarrett, Francine Pyne)

Vendor (Norman Leavitt)

Mixer (Mike Mahoney)

Asian Girls (Tita Marsell, Kim Luna Satano)

Burly Greek (Tiger Joe Marsh)

Bearded Beatnik (Nick Navarro)

Joe (Walter Painter)

Stripper (Siri Putman)

Tim (Michael Quinn)

AD TV Man (Olan Soule)

Club Patron (Jack Tornek)

Waiter (HT Tsiang)

Emil (Harry Vartesian)

TV Crewman (Dick Whittinghill)

John Willis (himself)

Autumn (Heidi Winston)

Executive (Robert Winston)

 

 

 

*Warlock reads the tagline*

W: “An authorress writes a steaming sex novel and proceeds to live out her heroine’s adventures.”

A: Uh….

 

*Movie opens with Kelly singing “Hey swinger”

W and A: Hello!

 

*Kelly performs Hey Swinger in see through spandex*

W: Woah

A: At some point I’m going to look up how many movies Ann Margret sang the opening to.

W: You’re not complaining are you?

A: Hell no.

 

*Kelly jumps over the swing*

A: Oh god look out!

 

*Credits*

W: Horace McMahon, any relation to Vince?

A: Or Hogan?

 

*Credits roll*

W: I don’t know any of these people.

A: The movie is over 50 years old.

W: I know but I’m usually good with names.

 

*Cars smash into each other*

W: Hahahaha what?

A: Ohhhhhh

 

*Fast motion office chaos*

W: What is going on?

 

*Gas prices are shown*

A: Wish we still had those prices.

 

*Sunset Strippers*

W: Wanna go there?

A: Ok.

 

*Voice over announcer burps*

W: You know that was a big deal back in the 60’s? I’m sure if they had ratings systems in the 60’s this would be rated R. This is actually edgy stuff for 1966.

 

*Sir Hubert works for Girl Lure magazine. Hubert says sex is going to be big in LA as it is in New York*

W: Wow.

 

*Hubert pinches three girls asses in the elevator*

W: Try getting away with this now.

A: That’s at least two sexual assault charges.

 

*Karen makes out with the art designer*

W: This is a smut movie. How the hell did this ever get shown on television?

 

*Aunt Cora calls Hubert an old bag of dirt*

W: Ha.

 

*Ric wants Cora to meet Karen and Cora she’s just fancy in the feathers*

W: *Spits out drink* What????

 

*Kelly wants to meet Ric*

W: Good grief look at all the women.

 

*Ric makes Kelly turn around*

W: The Turnaround Check-Out, I love it.

 

*Kelly explains that she’s not here to be photographed, she’s a writer that Mr Jenkins keeps rejecting. She pitches her ideas to Ric and Jenkins says not interested. Kelly gets escorted out of the bulding*

W: Her dialogue is badly looped in.

 

*Kelly says she’s gonna see the boss, Jenkins says “Mr Hubert?”

A: Oh god, he seems worse than the other guy.

 

*Kelly says the world wants sex and hanky panky*

W: *sings* My baby does the hanky panky

A *Plays guitar*

W: I saw her walkin on down the line.

A: Yeahhhhh

 

*Kelly walks into some dance studio with a book*

W: What is going on?

A: I don’t know

 

*Kelly dances with the book in her hand and tells Eddie to tak her jacket to her room*

W: Is this a radio station?

A: I’m so confused right now.

 

*Warren has a We Protest sign*

W: What are we protesting?

A: I dont know.

 

*Kelly dances out of the office in see through spandex with no underwear. They zoom in on her crotch and ass*

W: What……the….fuckkkkkkkkkkkk

A: Ohhhhh my goodddddddddddd

 

*Kelly visits Sgt Hooker who’s painting*

W: I’m not standing up for at least a half hour.

A: If your dick comes out of your pants, I’m throwing you out.

W: I’m not gonna take it THAT far.

 

*Kelly types on a typewriter with still pictures of Kelly in different outfits and situations*

A: I’m betting this is the character she’s typing up.

W: I’m gonna agree with with you.

 

*Kelly finishes her script The Swinger and the entire radio station helps her find the beginning*

A: Good luck spell checking.

W: Yeah really.

 

*Various girls speak with different accents*

W: Ohhhh…ohhhhh

A: Ok, maybe I won’t throw you out, I’m in the same boat.

 

*Kelly crashes the beauty pageant and shows the script to Ric and Sir Hubert*

A: I love how she clearly interrupts everything.

 

*Kelly runs into the men’s room to cater to Ric. He tears into her character and calls her lazy and a fraud*

W: Wow.

 

*Hubert listens to Ric describe the story and gets excited. Kelly says The Swinger is her life story and throws the script in the trash. She goes to strut out but opens the wrong door and enters the steam room*

W and A: Hahahaha

 

*Hubert okays the story and Kelly’s gang is informed they’re going to visit her at the station. They think she’s really The Swinger and wants to see how depraved she is. Kelly is shocked and Eddie says they’re going to make the place look depraved by the time Hubert gets there*

W: Sounds like a plan.

 

*Ric and Hubert show up to the station. Hubert says its positively degenerate. They peek in the window*

W: Could have just knocked.

 

*The gang uses Kelly to body paint in the middle of the room*

W: Woahhhhhhhh

A: She’s wearing a bikini.

W: Oh okay.

 

*Kelly sensually paints the canvas with her self*

W: Remember the movie Showgirls how it was NC-17 and we weren’t allowed to watch as kids? This must have been the 60’s versions.

 

*A whole herd of police show up to the station*

A: What??

W: Remember Sgt Hooker said he’d help.

 

*Cops run in and start shooting*

A: Wowwwww

W: They better be just blanks.

 

*Mr and Mrs Olsson call and ask if Kelly is behaving. Gunshots go off and Kelly says Bonanza is on*

W: Ha.

 

*Hooker has everyone “arrested” and Huber and Ric are shocked. Hubert wants her. She runs outside and they grab her*

W: What are they gonna do, kidnap her?

 

*Ric tells her to shut up and do as she’s told, she bites his hand*

W: Hahahaha you deserved it.

 

*Kelly bullshits that her parents are swingers too. Ric asks if she ever wants to fly straight. She gets into the character*

A: What year did this come out again?

W: 1966, why?

A: I’m just trying to place it timewise compared to the other movies we’ve seen her in.

W: Bye Bye Birdie came out in 63, Viva Las Vegas came out in 64.

 

*Kelly throws Ric’s license out of the car and he continues to drive*

A: Ha, love how he doesn’t even attempt to turn around and go get it.

 

*Ric brings Kelly home to Aunt Cora. Cora says she’ll prepare for her staying. Ric calls Karen and says her father hired Kelly. Kelly starts hitting the liquoir cabinent and Ric says he has to go because she’s stealing the bourbon*

W and A: Hahahahaha

 

*Kelly listens to a private conversation between Cora and Ric and Ric puts down Hubert’s depravity. Cora says she hopes he gets busted by the fuzz*

W and A: Hahahaa

 

*Ric comes up with a scheme to turn Kelly good*

W: Haha that plays right into her hands, right?

A: Yeah.

 

*Hooker in scuba gear hangs out in the shower while Kelly takes a bath*

W: Is he really in scuba gear?

A: I say if the media figures out what he’s doing, they’d say its a waste of taxpayers money. Breaking up a fake party and shit.

 

*Kelly pretends to be getting off with a bottle of bourbon in her hand, Ric thinks she’s for real*

W: I thought she was gonna get naked for a minute.

A: Unfortunately me too.

 

*Kelly acts drunk and Ric tries to throw her in the shower. She pins him*

W: One…two…nope he got the shoulder up.

A: Its a near fall.

 

*Karen and Hubert show up to Cora’s place and recognize Rics car. Kelly says “You fellas are all alike, you can’t wait to shower with me” She pulls him in with her as Hubert and Karen listen outside*

W: Hahahahahaha

 

*Hubert gets excited*

W: He wants in.

 

*Ric runs out drenched with all his clothes on looking for Karen and stubbs his toe. He tries to explain and Karen wants Hubert to say something. Hubert says he wanted her first*

W: Hahahahaha.

 

*Karen storms off and later on Ric on the phone says to send Karen flowers to his subordinate. Ric wants to re-educate her on how to be a lady*

W: Wasn’t Pretty Woman virtually the same thing? Richard Gere trying to turn Julia Roberts from a stripper into a lady?

A: Uh, I don’t know.

W: If so then this movie came first.

 

*Hubert finds Kelly in the office and gets excited. He chases her around his desk laughing*

W: This movie is a madhouse.

 

*Hubert pushes a bunch of buttons that turn music up, makes wine pour itself and the shutters close*

W: Its like if Q from James Bond was Hugh Heffner.

 

*Everyone in the office hears buzzers and bells and they all stop to watch*

A: Oh god.

 

*A bed rolls itself out and he continues to chase her around. He falls into the potted plant*

A: Good job, you caught a plant.

W: The plant won best supporting actor.

A: No, not that.

W: Oh wait I got something better.

A: Now what?

W: The best supporting actor his her see through spandex pants.

A: Okay, that works.

 

*Hubert calls himself a stinkweed*

W: Hahaha what?

 

*The secretary calls Hubert and says Ms Fowler is waiting for Kelly outside. Hubert cancels the hanky panky show reluctantly*

W: Sorry Q.

 

*Kelly walks outside pretending she enjoyed herself to make it look like they got it on. Ms Fowler is actually Aunt Cora and Kelly admits to her that the book was a sham and she’s really a normal girl. She says she’ll tell Ric the truth and Cora says no, let him be an idiot. Maybe she’ll tell the English muffin (Karen) off*

W and A: Hahahahhaa

A: She’s my favorite character.

 

*Still photos of Kelly shopping for outfits*

W: Woah….oh that was a mannequin.

A: Yes, just a mannequin, get a hold of yourself.

 

*She tries on various hats*

A: That’s one expensive trip.

W: Look at all those hats.

 

*Kelly bent over in striped pants wth her head between her legs*

W: Woah..oh…ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

A: Alright that’s enough.

 

*Kelly gets a call from Ric, her date is off. She gets a book to read from him*

A: Did you see all the boxes?

W: He probably paid for it.

A: Comment still stands.

 

*Kelly pretends to go through alcohol withdrawl*

A: Whatever this is, itsmore of her act.

 

*Ric tells her to take it all off*

W: Okay that works.

 

*She stands there in just an orange night dress*

A: Holy shit.

 

*Ric tries to cater to her before he leaves for a date with Karen as Cora giggles to herself at Kelly’s act*

W: Love how she’s into it.

 

*Kelly starts singing to Ric, he stops*

W: I love how we’ve seen a thousand movies in it with nudity, strippers or sex but we’re more enthralled by a 50 year old Ann Margret movie.

A: We got about a half hour left.

W: I guess its because this is unexpected.

 

*Kelly kisses Ric*

A: I know we’re gonna get the happy ending, but how are we gonna get there. How much longer before he figures out this is all an act?

W: I don’t know, I just know that she’s……..

A: ….She’s

 

*Kelly looks at the camera with sexy eyes…Warlock and America slowly crawl toward the screen and bump into each other*

A: Why don’t you look where I’m going?

W: Get out of my way you butt burglar.

 

*Ric tries to work off his boner performing calesthetics with Kelly*

W: Hahahahahaha

 

*Kelly continues to screw with him by having him hold her hand before she pulls him on top of her. He ponders what he’s doing as Cora behind a curtain wants him to go for it*

W: Go for it!

 

*Kelly giggles then moans as Cora calls Karen and says Ric won’t be making it. Ric ges to rub her shoulder but doesnt. He runs outside and starts running in place before doing a whole exercise routine in a tuxedo*

W and A: Hahahhahaha

 

*Ric dives into a nearby pool*

W: Hahahahahaha

 

*Mallory tells Ric that Kelly is a fake, she’s clean and normal*

A: Yup, here it is. The scene where he figures it out.

 

*Ric laughs with Mallory and Sally. He tells Mallory to leave and don’t tell Hubert about it. He tells Sally to tell Kelly to see him after lunch. Hubert has her entire life printed and says her life is a sexpose. She is mortified and Ric loves it*

W: Uh oh.

 

*She tries to tell him the truth but he pretends to ignore him. Ric says she’s gonna photograph her in all the scenes she wrote about*

W: This is his revenge.

 

*Kelly has no idea how to deal cards and is embarassed, Ric photographs her anyway. She tries to tell him the truth and he still ignores her. He tells her to wiggle across the street and she does, some bum checks her out*

W: Her wiggling would be hot if it wasn’t for the bum.

 

*The bum is working for Ric*

W: I knew it.

 

*Ric books Kelly at a Burlesque show. She has no idea how to perform*

W: You wanted things to go wrong.

 

*Blossom LaTour is pissed she won’t strip*

W: Her knockers are bigger than Ann Margret’s.

 

*Kelly sings but doesn’t strip*

W: She almost got away with it.

 

*Blossom has Kelly stripped for her to turn it into a comedy show*

W: Ha…ha….ha.

 

*Kelly now in a bikini gets into the show at the end*

W: That’s more like it.

 

*Ric says he has a treat for Kelly and takes her to a cheap ass motel*

W: Oh he’s taking the humiliation all the way.

 

*Ric turns it around on her and chases her around the motel room*

W: Oh boy, a chase scene.

 

*Ric runs into the wall*

W: Ohhhh ho.

A: Ouch.

 

*An old couple watches Ric chase Kelly around and loves it*

W: Ha.

 

*Hooker shows up and arrests Ric for abduction. The motel owner says Ric’s name is John Jones. Kelly rides off on a motorcycle*

A: So many questions…..where’d she run to? How did she get a motorcycle?

 

*Kelly runs into the station. Warren tries to warn her but her parents are there. Kelly tells the entire movie’s story to them*

W: What’s with the closeup shots?

A: And dramatic head turns.

 

*Ric at the station is grilled by Hooker. Ric says its police brutatlity as Sally runs in with a file. Ric says to call his lawyer. Hubert and Karen show up and say the motel is NOT for their propriety. Some used car dealer tries to buy off the cops*

W: What is going on?

A: Clown hour.

 

*Cora rides in on a motorcycle and yells at Ric. Some fisherman waves a fish around. Hooker throws everyone out as Kelly gets on her motorcycle rides to the station. Warren and Eddie ride with her parents after her*

W: Look at this convoy.

 

*Ric’s car has been impounded so he gets in a police cruiser*

A: So now he’s commandeering a cop car?

 

*Cora rides off after Ric*

W: This movie just went schizophrenic real fast.

A: Yes it did.

 

*Ric chases after Kelly*

A: It won’t happen but I’d love to see the car swerve into her and they fall off a cliff.

 

*Narrator says “Will the lovers find each other? Will they live happily ever after?”

W: Find out…..right now.

 

*Kelly crashes into Ric’s car and explodes, Ric falls out of the car. Newspaper headline says “Young couple die in crash”*

W: Good call.

A: Wh…….what……I was kidding. I WAS KIDDING??

W: I was not expecting that.

A: I did NOT expect to call that one.

 

*Narrator says that’s no way to end the movie and it rewinds to Kelly and Ric stopping their vehicles. Ric waves to her and they run into each others arms*

W: Haha you were almost right.

 

*Movie ends with Kelly performing The Swinger*

A: I didn’t think they actually would call out my sarcasm.

 

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 6. It was an entertaining movie. Im amused the movie called out my sarcasm, that I was not expecting.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it an 8, I was turned on the whole movie and it was complete chaos. What makes this special is most of the smut would be in today’s movies. Remember this was 1966 so movies at the time were Mary Poppins, Sound of Music and Gone With The Wind. This was like a James Bond movie with the raunch turned WAY up. I loved it.

Final Grade: 7 out of 10 – Great

 

*Warlock remains seated*

W: Oh my god that was awesome. Like I said, the movie surprised me in a good way as it was hot and raunchy for its time. Ann Margret was gorgeous and the story was easy to follow…until the end anyway. Do I recommend it? Well if you’re watching it for the acting you will be disappointed but if you watch it for why America and I did, you’re gonna have a lot of fun. Turn your thinking cap off and just enjoy the show. Now if I could get up right now I would but I cant.

A: I’d come over and throw you out but I don’t want to stand up either.

W: Guess we’re not going anywhere so get outta here before I give ya a slap!

311. Harry and Tonto (1974)

*The Warlock appears on screen*

W: Welcome to The Realm. Today is going to be an adventure of sorts with some backstory to it.

*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner wearing standard attire*

N: I don’t see anything special about today.

W: Talking about today’s movie. In 1974 The Godfather Part 2 was the runaway winner of Best Picture at the Oscar’s. The problem was Al Pacino did NOT win Best Actor that year for his performance as Michael Corleone.

N: How could you top The Godfather?

W: The winner that year was none other than Art Carney, yes Ed Norton from The Honeymooners won Best Actor for his leading role in Harry & Tonto. My cousin was so irate he wrote my grandmother a letter years later saying it was a travesty.

N: What the hell is Harry & Tonto?

W: That’s what we’re gonna watch today. Did Art deserve Best Actor or was this one of those lifetime achievement awards because Art never won anything before? Let’s find out and begin Harry & Tonto.

 

Written by Paul Mazursky and Josh Greenfield

Directed by Paul Mazursky

 

Cast:

Harry (Art Carney)

Tonto (Himself)

Grocery Clerk (Rene Enriquez)

Rivetowski (Herbert Berghof)

Mugger (Michael McCleery)

Leroy (Avon Long)

Mrs. Rothman (Rashel Novikoff)

Burt (Phil Bruns)

Burt Jr (Cliff De Young)

Norman (Joshua Mostel)

Elaine (Dolly Jonah)

Old Landlady (Sybil Bowan)

Panhandler (Joe Madden)

Morgue Clerk (Bette Howard)

Airport Security Woman (Patricia Fay)

Taxi Driver (Muriel Beerman)

Dominic (Louis Guss)

Bus Driver (Clint Young)

Used Car Salesman (Cliff Norton)

Ginger (Melanie Mayron)

Hitchhiker (Michael Butler)

Wrong Jessie (Letitia Toole)

Her Husband (W. Benson Terry)

Her Grandson (Gregg Harris)

Old Age Home Clerk (Mike Nussbaum)

Jessie (Geraldine Fitzgerald)

Shirley (Ellen Burstyn)

Wade (Arthur Hunnicutt)

Hooker (Barbara Rhoades)

Vegas Gambler (Philip Roth)

Sam Two Feathers (Chief Dan George)

Eddie (Larry Hagman)

Chess Player (Andre Philippe)

Anatol (Anatol Winogradoff)

Cat Lady (Sally Marr)

Airport Man (Alex Colon)

Sandcastle Girl (Jill Mazursky)

Male Prostitute (Paul Mazursky)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “When his apartment building is torn down, a retired lifelong New Yorker goes on a cross country odyssey with his beloved cat Tonto”

N: Awwwwww its an orange tabby.

 

*Opening credits*

N: Geraldine Fitzgerald??

 

*Music by Bill Conti*

W: He did Rocky in 1976

N: There’s all old bastards in it.

 

*Harry walks Tonto*

W: Hey Norton.

 

*Harry goes to the Pet Store with Jesus working the counter. Jesus is excited about Ironside from the night before*

W: Ha.

 

*Tonto spots Jesus’ cat*

N: Awww its a babies.

 

*Jesus says the cat eats better than he does and his grandfather is still dating at 82*

W: He eats a lot of bananas.

 

*Harry buys a paper and ask who the vice president was that week*

W: Yeah, this was 1974 right after the Watergate scandal. Guys were resigning left and right.

 

*A car almost runs over Harry and Tonto. Harry cuts a promo on the driver as a freaked out Tonto squirms*

N: Awww you scared him.

 

*Harry tells Jacob that he has to move. Jacob “Capitalist bastards!”

W: Ha.

 

*Jacob offers Harry a place to stay but Harry turns him down. He says Jacob would get sick of him. Jacob says he lived with his wife for 40 years, he can handle Harry*

W: Ha.

 

*Harry gets mugged by some white kid. A black man helps Harry gather his stuff*

W: No respect for the old.

 

*Leroy asks if the kid was black or white. Harry asks what difference does it make before saying white. Leroy “Hot damn.” Harry “The last one was Puerto Rican.”

W: Ha.

 

*Harry runs into Mrs R and she says to come stay with her in Miami. He says that’s too much sunshine. Harry starts singing*

W: Just don’t sing Swanee River.

N: Why?

W: He’s…..nevermind, long story.

 

*Harry talks to Tonto as it paws its litter box*

W: Leave him alone, he’s doing his business.

 

*Harry talks to Tonto in his recliner*

W: He better get more exciting because my cousin is right so far.

 

*The entire NYPD shows up to get Harry to leave his apartment. Tonto walks out onto the catwalk*

W: The cat on the catwalk.

 

*Harry is dragged out still in his chair. His son tries to get him to move in with him and Harry spots the mugger and helps the cops catch him*

W: Hahahahahaha

 

*Burt is the son and he drives Harry and Tonto to his house. Harry says King Lear had to give up his real estate too*

N: Ha.

 

*Burt’s family has dinner with Harry*

W: Ok, Art Carney was 56 when this movie was made. Philip Bruns was 43….he’s only 13 years older than his “son”.

 

*Norman has taken a vow of silence. Junior tries to yell and insult him. Harry takes his side and Norman appreciates it. Junior says he stuffs coke up his nose. Norman writes him a note and Junior pours water down his shirt. Burt says if he does that again he’ll stick something up Junior’s nose*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Norman is rooming with Harry and has a nightmare. Tonto comforts him*

N: Awwwww

 

*Harry goes to take a leak and Burt runs out with a gun. Harry “Humphrey Bogart”. Burt apologizes and Harry says sometimes he wakes up late to urinate. Burt says that’s fine and Harry says “Promise you won’t shoot me?”

W: Hahaha

 

*Harry talks to Norman in a way so he doesn’t have to talk*

W: The best way I can describe this movie 25 minutes into it is its not bad, just lame.

N: I agree.

 

*Jacob tells Harry that an Armenian man became a father at 93. “He must eat a lot of bananas.”

W: A friend of mine in high school’s father was pushing 60 when he was born.

 

*Jacob tells the story of how he last made love in March of 1951*

W: I give props for character development.

 

*Harry plays piano for Leroy to dance to*

W: There’s Norton.

N: And Gene Gene.

 

*Elaine talks about soul food with Leroy. He’s living with his mom for now, she’s 90. She still works as a cleaner and Burt looks at his sons while talking about jobs*

W: Hahaha.

 

*Elaine cuts a promo about how hard it is to be accommodating and Harry sympathizes with her. Elaine asks why Harry’s other kids aren’t helping and Burt gets mad and tells her to shut up*

W: Yeah, its tough to take care of someone else.

 

*Burt meets the old landlady who’s 73. She says her husband has been in the hospital for 5 weeks. She misses him when he’s gone because she has no one to argue with*

W: Ha, that’s funny.

 

*Burt says he has a cat and landlady throws him out*

W: Well that went south real fast.

 

*A panhandler asks Harry for 35 cents to buy a mink coat*

W: Ha.

 

*Burt says he’s going to Chicago to see Shirley. Burt wants to help get him there*

N: He’s such a good son.

 

*Burt wants to look at a body. Apparently Jacob died*

N: Oh no he died?

 

*Burt is led to the morgue to identify the body, it definitely is Jacob*

N: Awwwww, that sucks.

W: Great, we just lost the funniest character in the movie.

 

*Harry starts crying*

W: Ok, that was a powerful scene.

 

*Harry smuggles Tonto into the airport inside a toolbox*

W: You could never get away with that now.

 

*Harry says goodbye and tells Burt his will in his safe deposit box if something were to happen*

N: Nothing better happen.

 

*Tonto’s nose peeks out through the air hole*

W: Awwww.

 

*Harry refuses to let go of Tonto to get through the airport metal detector and he gets thrown out. Harry calls a cab and a cabbie picks him and says 10 bucks to the bus station. Cabbie has a sign in the back “Not ashtray for fare*

N: What?

W: As in, its not an ashtray, its to put money in.

 

*Harry discusses what a hero sandwich is with Dominic on the bus*

N: Ugh, he’s feeding it to Tonto?

 

*Harry asks what to do if he has to pee. Dominic says there’s a John in the back. He tries to get Tonto to use the toilet and it won’t*

N: Yeah really.

 

*Harry asks the bus driver to pull over so the cat can piss and the driver refuses. Harry says either let Tonto out or he’ll piss on someone’s leg. Bus pulls over and Harry lets Tonto out. Tonto runs away*

N: Oh nooooo.

 

*Harry runs to the driver and says he can’t leave the cat behind so just leave his bag here.  As soon as the driver drops the bag and drives off, Tonto runs over to the bag*

W: Nice timing huh.

 

*Harry laments leaving Tonto’s case on the bus and says that’s show business*

W: That’s why you don’t bring a house cat outside.

 

*Harry goes to buy a used car*

W: Its a long story.

 

*Harry buys a car for 250 dollars*

N: Wish I could do that.

 

*Harry calls Elaine and wants to talk to Burt. He tells him what happened at the airport and with the bus*

W: Yeah, what an adventure.

 

*Harry talks to Tonto while he drives*

W: The cat’s on the dashboard.

 

*Harry says he’d rather die with a bang than to suffer*

W: Me and my dad are the same. There comes a point in life where you’re no longer living, you’re just existing. The quality of life ends.

 

*Harry thinks he’s being pulled over and pulls off right in front of hitchhikers. The cop car drives off and Harry asks if the hitchhikers have a license. The male says yes and Harry makes him drive*

W: He made the kid drive, hahahaha.

 

*The male leaves his partner behind. The girl’s name is Ginger and she stays with Harry. Harry “Is this the Pepsi generation?”

N: Hahaha

 

*Harry gets to know Ginger. She’s a 16 year old runaway who hates school but loves her parents. She’s on her way to a commune in Colorado. Harry doesn’t judge, he just doesn’t know what its like to be 16 anymore*

W: Yeah, I don’t know either.

 

*Harry tells Ginger in their motel how he used to be in a traveling show to make ends met. Ginger walks out topless*

W: Omg she better not be 16.

 

*Harry apologies for reacting wrong to her nudity. He tells a story how he slept with a woman named Jessie and loved her, but she didn’t love him. He then fell for Annie instead. After the story is over Ginger wants to find Jessie*

W: Well at least we have a point now.

 

*Harry, Tonto and Ginger look on a map on how to find Jessie*

W: A Rand McNally road atlas.

N: Paper GPS.

 

*Harry finds “Jessie Stone’s family but its a black woman. The family has a laugh with him rather than at him. Jessie says the one he’s looking for is in an old person’s home on State Street and they get their mail mixed up all the time*

W: I like how Jessie’s husband and son were helpful instead of angry.

 

*Harry, Ginger and Tonto enter the nursing home and the receptionist says Jessie hasn’t had visitors in years. Harry says he hasn’t seen her in 50 years. Jessie has no idea who he is due to dementia. She keeps calling him Alex but does remember Annie*

W: This is sad. She remembers bits and pieces but the alzheimer’s makes it a puzzle.

 

*Harry dances with Jessie as Ginger watches smiling*

W: At least he got some closure on a 50 year old booty call.

 

*Ginger, Tonto and Harry walk through Chicago*

W: I’m glad they introduced this character to give it some spice, it would have been just him and Tonto.

 

*Harry runs into Norman in Chicago and he’s talking now. Shirley is working in a book store*

W: That’s Ellen Burstyn.

 

*Harry jokes that he had a very short love affair with Ginger to make Norman laugh. Shirley grills Ginger about her background and Ginger lets it slip she’s 15. She wants to get Ginger help but Ginger says now. Norman says he likes Shirley even though she’s a bitch*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Norman goes off with Ginger as Harry and Shirley walk together. They bond while discussing their lives. Shirley admits she loves him and he hugs her. Next scene is Harry driving with Ginger and Norman in the back with Tonto in the rear window cleaning himself*

W: Did Tonto win Best Supporting Actor in 1974? I’m not even joking.

N: Wasn’t it Robert De Niro?

W: That’s right, Vito Corleone.

 

*Harry drives by a horse carriage, Norman moons him*

W: Look at that big white ass.

N: Hahahaha

W: I’m talking about the horse you pervert.

N: Hahahahaha.

 

*Harry, Ginger and Norman make it to Arizona. Norman calls Burt and Elaine and tells them he’s going to live in Colorado with Ginger*

W: Ok so that gets rid of Norman and Ginger in the script. We got 40 minutes left.

 

*Harry tells Burt to forward his checks to LA to Eddie’s house. Eddie is the brother of Burt and Shirley. Harry tells Norman and Ginger to take the car and go, don’t worry about him. Harry says this is the first time he’s been west of Chicago and he’s loving it. Ginger and Norman say goodbye to Harry and Tonto*

W: One more character left, Eddie.

N: How’s he gonna get to LA stranded in Arizona?

 

*A Winnebago with a Volkswagen Beetle for a top*

W: What kind of car is that?

 

*The owner of the van is Wade Carlton and he used to sell cats too*

W: That’s not his son.

N: I figured that.

 

*Wade rants and raves about his life*

N: Okay this guy is boring me.

W: Yeah, we were going good with Ginger and Norman, we just went backwards.

 

*Harry tries to hitchhike*

W: What happened to Wade

 

*A hooker named Stephanie drives Harry to Las Vegas. Harry calls her pretty and she says she has to be. She says she’s a high priced hooker and Harry doesn’t believe her*

W: No, she’s right. Prostitution is legal in Vegas, they probably really are high priced out there.

 

*Harry says he only has a hundred dollars and Stephanie rears off the road into the desert*

N: Oh my god.

 

*The car stops*

W: I think he just got it on.

N: You’re right.

 

*Stephanie drops Harry and Tonto off at the casino*

W: Would the cat even be allowed in 1974?

N: I don’t know.

 

*Harry asks some gambler to hold his cat as he orders a drink while listening to a band perform*

W: I know this song, just don’t know the name of it.

N: Sounds like Chicago.

 

*Harry hits the crap tables*

W: My dad and I saw this already in Going In Style, Art Carney cleaned out the crap tables.

 

*Crap Player loses and he blames Harry. Harry tells him to blow it out his liver*

W: Hahaha

 

*Harry pisses on a window with a police officer right behind him*

W: He’d have to register as a sex offender for that now.

 

*Harry wakes up in jail and the guard tells him the cat is fine. His cellmate is Sam Two Feathers*

N: By the way I looked it up, that song was The Doobie Brothers.

W: Long Train Running! I couldn’t remember it.

 

*Sam and Harry share their stories. Harry says this is the first time he’s been in jail. He says he’s in for peeing and Sam says he got a ticket for his horse shitting in a hotel lobby. Sam trades his beaded necklace for a blender*

W: Indian giver.

 

*Sam is in jail for practicing medicine without a license. He said he cast a spell on a man who ended up dying*

W: Thats up your alley.

 

*Harry asks Sam to cure his bursitis. Sam goes into a ritual*

W: Over a prison toilet.

 

*Harry walks down Hollywood Blvd*

W: I bet he just walked over his own star.

 

*Harry gets hit on by a male prostitute*

N: Ewwww

W: That’s the director of the movie haha.

 

*Eddie pulls up and spots Harry. They embrace*

W: Larry Hagman.

N: Who?

W: JR Ewing.

N: Who??

W: Dallas?

N: Don’t know.

W: Ughhhhhhhhhh

 

*Eddie is living in what looks to be a VFW*

W: We got 15 minutes left, how are we gonna end this?

 

*Harry, Tonto and Eddie walk into Eddie’s apartment. Eddie says an upcoming event will be a great time to get laid. Harry asks for water for Tonto*

W: “I’m not even gonna dignify that with a response”

 

*Eddie reveals hes broke and needs a roomate. Harry says he can’t stay there. He says he’ll give Eddie a grand and Eddie says not to tell Burt*

W: He helps everyone in the movie except himself.

 

*Eddie says he’s scared to go out on a job, Harry says to pour him a scotch and water*

W: Wouldn’t that taste awful?

N: I don’t drink scotch.

 

*Eddie starts crying*

N: Oh christ.

W: Come on JR.

 

*Next frame is Harry playing chess. Anatol sits with him. They go back and forth with philosophy about air. Anatol says Tonto isn’t looking so good*

N: Oh no.

 

*Harry takes Tonto to the animal hospital. Harry sings to Tonto sleeping in a cage*

N: I can’t…I can’t.

W: Oh for heaven’s sake its just a movie. Its not actually dying.

N: No…I can’t.

 

*Harry says “So long kiddo” and leaves Tonto in the kennel*

W: What? He cries over Jacob but not Tonto?

 

*Harry walks down the beach while narrating a letter he writes to Leroy that Tonto passed away at age 11 which is 77 in cat years. A cat lady shows up while Harry writes with a group of cats. Celia and Harry laugh with each other and she offers him a place to stay. Harry thinks of taking up the offer*

W: And he’ll play with cats again.

 

*Celia tries to get one cat’s attention but it won’t come. Harry runs off after it, its an orange tabby kitten*

W: See? Its another Tonto.

N: Still….I don’t like pets dying.

 

*Harry catches the orange cat and asks its name. The cat runs around as Harry spots a little girl making a sand castle, he joins her*

W: “MOMMMM, SOME CRAZY OLD MAN IS STARING AT ME!!”

N: Are you kidding me? That’s it? Nothing happened in this movie.

 

*End credits*

N: That was horrible. There was nothing going on.

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I give it a 5, it wasn’t bad so much as it was lame. There was nothing going on.

The Warlock: I’ll go with a 5. I agree, it wasn’t a bad movie that it was just…nothing. A guy goes on an adventure with a cat.  Was Art Carney better than Al Pacino? I would say not so much but Academy Awards rarely get it right anyway.

Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: Well my cousin had every right to be irate that Al Pacino didn’t win Best Actor. Art did a good job but this movie is barely remembered and EVERYONE has seen The Godfather and part 2. I remember reading somewhere that some guy said that giving Art Carney Best Actor wasn’t the popular thing to do but it was the right thing to do. Uh huh…I’m not buying it. That was a lame duck movie with not much going on but I will say it’s not bad. Its worth to take a look but ludicrous to think Harry could match Michael Corleone. Someday I’ll watch Godfather Part 2 on the Realm and prove it.

N: Oh god.

W: You don’t have to watch it. Anyway that wraps up Harry & Tonto. Now get outta here before I give ya a slap!

310. Rampage (2018)

*When we last left off, Mr. Wallstreet came to visit Mr. America and The Warlock only to find out they were torn apart over a woman and no longer speaking. Wallstreet managed to convince Warlock to confront America at his base. They’re on their way now in Wallstreet’s rental car*

Wallstreet: Whatever you do, no guns.

Warlock: You’re talking to the wrong one if you’re talking about guns.

Wallstreet: Oh yeah, no fireballs.

Warlock: No promises.

Wallstreet: I mean it, I expect you to throw down but no killing.

Warlock: No killing, got it.

Wallstreet: Yes, now I’m happy. You two can slug it out and I’ll stand over in the corner being happy.

Warlock: Whatever you say.

Wallstreet: 20 years down the drain over a woman? Really?

Warlock: Tell him that, it wasn’t my idea.

Wallstreet: Alright let’s get this over with.

*Wallstreet parks the car next to the panzer. Wallstreet and Warlock exit the car and Warlock stands a good distance away from Wallstreet as Wallstreet knocks on the barracks. America opens up*

America: Oh, you again. How’d it go?

Wallstreet: You got a lot of explaining to do.

America: Oh, let me guess, they called me every name in the book and you believe them.

Wallstreet: From what I gather, yes, I do believe them.

America: Oh well, buh bye.

*America shuts the door in Wallstreet’s face*

Warlock: Oh fuck that, I’ll burn it down.

*Warlock goes to shoot a fireball but Wallstreet stops him*

Wallstreet: No no no, what did I tell you? None of that now!

*A voice from inside*

America: Stop talking to yourself and go away.

Warlock: *Shouts* He’s not talking to himself you Darwinian nightmare!

America: Wait….I know that voice.

*America throws open the door and spots Warlock and Wallstreet*

America: YOU! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Wallstreet: Its time to end this.

*America runs back into the base, a second later he re-appears with a carbine rifle and loads it*

America: I’ll take care of him.

*Warlock throws Wallstreet aside*

Warlock: I’ve been waiting for this.

*Warlock flicks his palm and flame appears. America aims the rifle at him*

Wallstreet: STOP! STOP! STOP!

*Wallstreet shoves Warlock backwards and bullrushes America into the Base. Warlock runs in but Wallstreet rushes him and stops him from throwing fire*

Wallstreet: Enough! Enough! If you’re gonna fight, use your fists. Otherwise use your words and settle this!

Warlock: Use my words? I’ll use my words, you broke up the crew over a WOMAN. A woman who didn’t even want you?

America: How could she want me with you in the way? You and your damn leather jacket. How was I supposed to compete with that?

Warlock: It doesn’t matter if I wore a tutu, she wasn’t interested.

*America takes a step closer toward Warlock*

America: You should wear a tutu, you’d look much better.

*Warlock takes a step toward him*

Warlock: You’re the one dressed like Phyllis Diller’s cousin.

*America takes one step closer*

America: Oh yeah?

*Warlock takes a step and gets in America’s face*

Warlock: Oh yeah.

*The two go nose to nose*

Wallstreet: Uh, how about we watch a movie guys?

*Wallstreet chuckles nervously as Warlock and America relax and shrug their shoulders*

Warlock: Yeah sure.

America: Sounds good to me.

*America goes over to the recliner*

America: After you.

Warlock: Thank you sir.

*Warlock sits down on the right side of the couch as America takes his seat*

Wallstreet: Wait…what?

Warlock: Wallstreet you coming?

*America turns the TV on as Wallstreet looks completely confused*

America: Hey check it out, Rampage is on.

Warlock: The video game movie or the Michael Biehn movie?

America: The one with The Rock.

Warlock: Ohhhhh good choice.

Wallstreet: But….what…..ugh….oh well.

*Wallstreet takes his seat on the left side of the couch*

Warlock: Let’s check out…..Rampage.

 

 

Written by Ryan Engle, Carlton Cuse, Ryan J Condal and Adam Sztykiel

Directed by Brad Peyton

 

Cast:

Davis Okoye (Dwayne Johnson)

Dr. Kate Caldwell (Naomie Harris)

Claire Wyden (Malin Akerman)

Harvey Russell (Jeffrey Dean Morgan)

Brett Wyden (Jake Lacy)

Burke (Joe Manganiello)

Dr. Kerry Atkins (Marley Shelton)

Nelson (PJ Byrne)

Colonel Blake (Demetrius Grosse)

Connor (Jack Quaid)

Amy (Breanne Hill)

Zammit (Matt Gerald)

Agent Park (Will Yun Lee)

Garrick (Urijah Faber)

Taylor (Bruce Blackshear)

George (Jason Liles)

Communications Officer (Mac Wells)

Radar Officer (Allyssa Brooke)

First MP (Stephen Dunlevy)

Second MP (Danny Le Boyer)

Officer (Alan Boell)

C-17 Pilot (Adam Sztykiel)

Captain Evans (DJames Jones)

Police Captain (Gary Weeks)

Kaplan (David An)

Commanding Officer (Arnold Chun)

Pilot (Gregory Hoyt)

Co-Pilot (Suzanne Cotsakos)

Soldier with SAT Phone (Ross Phillips)

Air Force Captain (Bernard Dowdell)

HLN Reporter (Robin Meade)

San Diego Newscasters (Chris Murphy and Maria Arcega-Dunn)

San Diego Reporter (Jason Sloss)

Ground Reporter (Shannon Hallgan)

Chicago Reporter (Andy Rosegen)

Mt. Rushmore Reporter (John Crow)

Zoo Reporter (Lane Carlock)

Willis Tower Reporter (Wendy Yang)

Female Gorillas (Skye and Willow Notary)

Kid (Chase Anderson)

National Guardsmen (Aqeel Ash-Shakoor, John D Gordon, Tyler Jackson, Alex T Love, David Oelert, Jeff Stenzel, Perry Zulu Jr)

SWAT Team (Jeff Baird, Jason Gerrard, John Gettier, Jatone Smith)

Officer King (Daniel Craig Baker)

Zoo Staff (Lexston Bearss, Christopher Doss)

Air Force Officer (Ben Belay)

Evacuating School Kid (Zion Bly)

Zoo Kids (Jasmine Bolton, Camden Haydon, Ethan Stormant)

USAF Officers (Adam Burnette, Adam Lavander)

Rancher (Pete Burris)

Lieutenant Colonel (Andrea Antonio Canal)

Mercenaries (Timothy Carr, Eric Ian, Brad Spiers)

Scientist (Terrance P Carson)

Private Drake Flynn (Kimber Closson)

Special FBI Agent (Anthony Collins)

US Military (Tony Comrie)

Military Officers (Paul Ron Cruz, Steven Dutton)

FBI Agents (Laura Distin, David Dunston, Timothy D Montjoy)

Poacher (Ibrahim Dumbuya)

USAF Pilot (Matthew Ewald)

Dad with kids (Martin Feigen)

Zoo Visitors (Gavrielle Anne Fontanilla, Sierra Nicole Krug, Mason Pike)

Field Trip Student (Clifford Gay)

Lab Tech (Tahseen Ghauri)

Zoo Guest (Emelita T Gonzalez)

Zoo Employee (Anthony B Harris)

Private McClaine (Keith LeCreed Harris)

Pedestrians (Connie Hollins, Rafaela Ochoa, Shekeb Sekander)

Zoo Patron (Brian Kayode-Patrick Johnson

K9 Handler (Earl David Jones)

Kate’s Brother (Demetri Landell)

Zoo Girl (Destiny Lopez)

Police Officers (Phil Madura, Adam Mengerink)

Zookeeper (Van Marten)

Marine SSG (Devon McKelvin)

Businessmen (Shaun McMillian, Freddy Moyano)

Scuba Diver Girlfriend (Jessica Medina)

Pilot (Andrew Morgado)

Soldiers (Joel Nathanial, Jamin Thompson)

Mother (Valentina Latyna Plascenia)

DHS Agent (Diezel Ramos, Travis Thompson, Robert Tinsley, Tamica Wiley))

School Teacher (Rekkhan)

Fleeing Jogger (Valoria Robinson)

Zoologist (Henardo Rodriguez)

Civilian (Kodi Swank)

Calvin Mangum (Joey Thurmond)

Teacher (Giota Trakas)

Injured Civilian (Wes Weems)

FBI Raid Agent (Angie Yarbrough)

Navy Officer (Michael David Yuhl)

 

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “When three different animals become infected with a dangerous pathogen, a primatologist and a geneticist team up to stop them from destroying Chicago”

A: There will be no sharks in this movie right?

Wall: Right.

 

 

*Opening graphic reads CRISPR was designed in 1993 to treat incurable disease through genetic editing. In 2016, genetic editing was banned and deemed a WMD*

Wallstreet: If those things went on sale, the market would crash.

 

*Athena 1 is under attack by a large animal. Atkins is the only one alive. Atkins wants to get out of there but Claire won’t let her leave until the samples are secure*

War: Wow what an asshole.

A: Yeah no kidding.

 

*A hand floats by*

W: Give her a hand.

Wall: Which one?

A: The one floating.

 

*Atkins gets the samples*

A: You’re gonna die.

 

*The large mutated rat chases Atkins into the escape pod. It bites the window but Atkins blows the airlock and the rat immolates with the space station*

A: That’s one pissed off rat.

 

*The bite marks tear through the glass. The glass shatters causing Atkins to burn up in the atmosphere and send the samples flying throughout parts of the United States*

War: Good call on the dead.

 

*Davis makes fun of Connor for embellishing stories and says not to talk about poaching in front of the gorillas. David asks Connor what’s going on. Paavo the male gorilla is trying to put the mack down on some of the female gorillas. Davis tries to communicate with Paavo using sign language*

Wall: Right out of Congo.

 

*George appears out of the woods*

A: Hello.

 

*Paavo chases Connor and goes to attack but George tackles Paavo and pretends to hurt him. George laughs at Connor and he and Davis make fun of each other using sign language. Davis tells George to be nice to Paavo. Davis goes to fist bump George and George gives him the middle finger. Davis “I should never have taught you that.”

War, Wall, America: Hahahahaha

 

*Nelson walks with Davis and Amy asks out Davis but he says no politely. Nelson tries his luck with her but no dice. Nelson tells Davis its weird he hangs out more with animals than humans. Davis says with animals they either like you or eat you, its easy to follow*

Wall: Good point.

 

*One of the samples falls into the Gorilla exhibit at the zoo. One falls into the Wyoming desert where a wolf sniffs it and the third falls into a swamp in the Everglades*

W: Those mosquitoes will bite the heck out of you at night down there in the Everglades.

 

*George is sprayed by the contents of the sample*

A: Oh he’s not happy.

 

*Next day Davis pulls up and Nelson tells him George went berserk and attacked the grizzly bears. Nelson and Davis find a dead bear and George hiding in a cave. Davis tells Nelson to put the gun down*

A: Let’s not piss him off more than he already is.

 

*George walks out of the cave twice the size he was before and says he’s scared and sad inside. Nelson asks if he’s bigger and Davis says much*

A: I’d say so.

 

*Connor radios the two to get to the gorilla enclosure, they find the sample box with Amy. Davis wants to figure out whats in it. Meanwhile Brett goes to town on the model of the space station destroyed earlier with a bat. Claire calmly tells him Burke will take care of the cannisters. Burke is the head of a private mercenary team*

A: That’s a blackhawk chopper.

 

*Burke tells the team they’re headed to Wyoming*

A: And they’re off.

 

*Down in LA, Dr. Kate Caldwell is late for work. Mark screams at her*

War: Chronically late for life.

 

*Brett tells the reporters on TV that he’s sad the station blew up but Energyne refuses to take responsibility. The news reporters report George has escaped and Kate tells Mark her car just exploded*

A and War: Hahahahahaha

 

*Burke’s team finds the canister in Casper, Wyoming but its empty. Burke reports to Claire and Brett that one of the wolves killed the others and ran off. Claire figures out the last wolf of that pack is infected and needs to be brought in dead or alive*

War: Oh someone is gonna die.

 

*Nelson tries to reason with Davis that George is changed and people are asking questions. Davis says they can’t report this or they’ll put George down. Nelson reports that George’s brain activity is through the roof. Davis asks who knows anything about the canister and Kate makes her appearance. She knows what’s wrong with George and Davis brings Kate to him. George signs that he’s hungry and Davis says to get him something. He wants to know how George killed a bear so easily. Kate says his DNA is being rewritten by a pathogen she helped create. It’s designed to enhance its genetic code but unpredictable. George then flies off the handle and smashes his way out*

Wa: You’re in trouble now.

 

*George escapes again and Connor falls down and cries*

A and Wall: Hahahahaha

 

*George smashes a car and runs into the middle of the road. Davis and Kate run up and George signs that he’s scared. The cops show up*

A: That’s not gonna help.

 

*Davis wards off the cops so he can talk to George. He calms him down but a helicopter shows up and knocks George out with a dozen tranquilizer darts*

War: What kind of chopper is that?

A: Another blackhawk. George ain’t doing so well.

 

*Burke’s team flies over Wyoming*

War: George’s partner is about to show up.

 

*Burke shoots the wolf now named Ralph. Burke tells base that Rampage-1 is down*

A: No he’s not, that’s what you think but he’s not.

 

*Burke’s team looks for Ralph as Brett follows on video. Burke says he’s got nothing*

A: That’s gonna change.

 

*One of the mercenaries says he should have brought the 50 cal  gun*

War: Or 12 of them.

 

*A herd of elks run by followed by Ralph who slowly eliminates the mercenaries. Garrick, Vincent, Taylor are attacked. Claire tells Brett they won’t survive. Wilson, Zammit are also taken down. Burke is the only one left*

War: You’re next.

 

*Burke radios Garcia to get him out of there. Burke runs for it but Ralph takes down the chopper and it explodes. Ralph finally gets Burke*

A: Goodnight.

 

*George, Kate and Davis are taken to a secret facility run by Harvey Russell*

Wall: Hey I know him.

War: He was in The Losers.

America:……and something else.

 

*Harvey and Davis go to fight each other and Kate mocks both of them*

W: Alpha male Smackdown.

Wall: I got money on The Rock.

War: Me too.

 

*Davis notices George is healing himself. Kate says African spiny mouse DNA helped. Harvey gives Davis’ background and says he himself sympathizes as an animal lover. Davis says he’s gonna wake up and Harvey says that won’t happen. Harvey informs Davis that Ralph is on the loose and Davis asks what’s gonna happen to George. Harvey doesn’t know and Davis says Kate can help, she works for Energyne. Harvey says she USED TO, because she was fired. Davis had no idea and Harvey mocks her for lying to him. Harvey tells Davis man to man he’s truly sorry for what’s happened to George*

War: Ooops.

 

*Kate says she was working on a cure before she was fired. Next morning Brett tells Claire Kate is there. Claire has a plan and Brett doesn’t want to go to prison. Claire goes to the roof of Energyne’s tower and turns on a beacon to draw Ralph and George to Chicago. They do have a cure called the R-19 and they’ll administer it when they get to Chicago*

War: Sounds like a plan.

A: Glad to see you’re catching on, better tlate than never in your case.

 

*Ralph hears the beacon from South Dakota and takes off, Lizzie hears it from the Gulf of Mexico and George hears it from the C-17 Globemaster which wakes him up. Davis “Ohhhh no.”

War: He’s awake.

 

*George escapes and wipes out the FBI guys. He almost kills Harvey but Davis saves him. An explosive goes off which blows a hole in the hull and depressurizes the cockpit, knocking out the pilot*

A: There goes the engine.

 

*Davis swings Kate into the forklift which impales George. Davis says they have to get out of there. They grab some gear and Davis puts a parachute on the unconcious Harvey. Kate “We’re gonna die!” Davis “Yeah, probably!”

A: Yeah that’s encouraging.

 

*Kate makes it out first but Harvey is stuck. Davis jumps out with Harvey who wakes up midflight “Holy shit!” Davis “You’re welcome” Davis and Harvey parachute to safety as the plane with George in it crashes. Later Harvey, Kate and Davis look for George’s remains but he’s not dead, he lived. Davis says he’s headed northeast. Harvey says the FBI and DoD will be after Energyne for this. He thanks Davis for saving him and Davis says assholes deserve a second chance. Harvey says his grandfather said assholes gotta stick together*

War and Wall: Hahahhaa

 

*Claire and Brett are under investigation by Agent Park, Brett stammers but Claire handles it. She fingers the blame onto Kate as Brett is a nervous wreck. Back at the wreckage Kate asks why Davis hates people and he answers humans will do anything to get what they want. He found George under a poacher’s truck while the poachers were cutting up George’s mother. She asks what happened to the poachers after he rescued George, Davis says they shot at him and missed. He shot back and didn’t*

War: Good.

 

*Kate gives her life story next. She trusted Claire to cure her brother but Claire used the DNA testing for her brother to experiment on animals. Then she had Kate arrested and her brother died a month after she went to prison*

Wall: I can’t wait for the revenge.

 

*Kate and Davis agree to take down Energyne*

A: They’re scheming.

Wall: Scheming Schemers!

 

*Kaplan is second in charge at the military base. Captain Evans is on location reporting George and Ralph are teaming up to cause destruction. Davis says that can’t possibly happen with two different species. Colonel Blake is in charge and asks who Kate and Davis are. Harvey vouches for them and Davis reasons that they’re not behaving normally. Kate says they’re being drawn to Chicago by a beacon. Blake has Davis and Kate thrown out and Harvey doesn’t like it*

War: Better than being dragged out.

 

*Davis says if the MP’s don’t let them go he’s gonna hurt them. They don’t believe him and Davis knocks them out like he said he would. Kate says there’s a chopper at the medevac point and Davis admires her intuition. They make their way toward the chopper and hide when a guard runs out*

A: Ha.

 

*Dais and Kate make it to the chopper as Harvey shows up. Kate says there has to be an antidote and they’re going to Chicago to find it. Harvey tosses the keys to the chopper and a radio to Davis. He says he wants to take down Claire Wyden and he’ll help Davis do it. Davis nearly crashes the chopper because he hasn’t flown in years. “Its coming back to me.”

Wall: Mayday, mayday!

 

*Colonel Blake’s strike team are attacked by George and Ralph*

A: Yeah they’re dead.

 

*Some soldier says “Nothing is working!”*

A: Nothing.

 

*Captain Evans is killed and Blake calls Davis to inform him that Chicago is being evacuated. Davis says they won’t get everyone out in time*

War: You expect everyone to go quiet?

 

*Davis flies into Chicago where George and Ralph are tearing the place apart. Ralph scares a dog then uses his spiked tail to drop a chopper. An A-10 Warthog lights up the road*

A: One of my favorites.

 

*Harvey spots a very large object moving toward Chicago from underwater. Davis and Kate fly by as Lizzie makes her appearance by knocking over a cruiser liner*

A: How many people do you think died when it capsized?

Wall: Too many.

 

*Davis looks at Lizzie “Well that sucks* George rips the wall off a Dave and Busters*

War: No not Dave and Busters!

A: What product placement though.

 

*Davis watches the destruction and says the military can’t stop the monsters*

A: What gave you that impression?

 

*Harvey tries to talk Blake out of dropping a bomb on Chicago so they can get evidence on Energyne’s involvement. Blake throws him out and Harvey says that’s an order he can agree with*

War: Player 3 has entered the game.

 

*The B-2 Stealth Bomber has the MOAB*

Wall: MOAB?

A: Mother of All Bombs.

War: Wow.

 

*B-2 is flying out of Whiteman Air Force Base in Missouri*

A: Hold up, this movie is being very misleading. They’re making it sound like it’ll take ten minutes to get there. It’ll take AT LEAST an hour in real time.

 

*Harvey is given intel that Claire and Brett are involved and Harvey calls them sneaky sons of bitches. Kate and Davis make it to Energyne as Harvey says they have 30 minutes before the bomb is dropped. Davis “I’m never taking your call again.”

War: Hahahha

 

*Claire is now in a red dress as Bret packs a rat in a carry on bag. They figure out Kate and Davis are there. Kate finds out the system is wiped of all evidence*

A: Did she really think they would leave evidence behind to find?

 

*Davis finds the antidote but Claire and Brett get the drop on them saying the antidote doesn’t revert them to their normal size, just cures the aggression. Bret holds the gun awkwardly. Kate puts one of the vials in her pocket before Claire can see she has them. She hands over the rest of them as Bret says to move. Davis refuses so Claire takes the gun and shoots him down. They take Kate hostage as the monsters climb Energyne’s building to get to the beacon. George makes it to the top first and scares Bret into running away*

War: Wuss.

 

*George heaves the chopper pilot 50 stories down as Davis shows up to chase away Kate. Davis says to give the last vial to George so he can help destroy the others. Now they just have to figure out away to give it to George. Claire shows up with a gun and Davis figures it out. Kate sticks the vial in Claire’s purse and punches her in the face saying she’s feeding the monster to the gorilla. George eats Claire*

A: I love the arcade game tie in with the woman in the red dress.

 

*Bret makes it to the first floor and demands an SUV out of there and Claire’s lost her mind. Harvey nonchalantly mocks him for running down 80 flights of stairs so he didn’t have to run up and arrest him. Harvey says give him the laptop and the rat and Bret can go free. Bret hands everything over and runs out the door where he’s squashed by a tank. Harvey “Oh…damn…that was a lot*

A: Pretty sure he knew that was going to happen.

 

*Davis asks when the antidote kicks in, Kate says 10 minutes. Davis says the building won’t last ten minutes as Ralph makes it to the top with George. Davis and Kate hop in the downed chopper and Davis says they’re not gonna fly, they’re gonna crash, like riding an avalanche*

War: Sounds like a plan.

 

*Lizzie makes it to the top as the building itself collapses. The monsters are thrown off as the chopper crashes with Kate and Davis still alive. Davis says he needs a drink*

W: He got shot in the side, he should be bleeding out.

 

*George pounds his way out of the wreckage*

A: I’m sure he’s nice and pissed off now if he wasn’t already.

Wall: George needs advil.

 

*George wakes up and is cured. He signs that Davis looks like shit*

War: Hahahahhaa

 

*Lizzie and Ralph wake up and Davis says they need George’s help. Two F-18’s are escorting the B-2 to Chicago. Davis tells Kate to get the people evacuated and he and George will take down the other monsters. George signs to kick some ass*

W: The final showdown.

 

*George and Lizzie stare each other down with Ralph off to the side. George whacks Lizzie with a bridge and throws Ralph airborne where it sprouts wings to fly down. Davis “Of course the wolf flies*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Davis tricks Ralph into jumping into Lizzie’s path. Lizzie turns on Ralph and bites Ralph’s head off*

Wall: One down, one to go.

 

*Harvey runs into Kate and Kate says George and Davis are trying to take down the monsters but there’s still people there, they need to call off the airstrike. Harvey hands the rat to a military guy and takes the key to a humvee*

A: Hahahahaha

 

*Lizzie throws Davis around and stalks him but George starts beating on Lizzie with a dump truck. Harvey calls Blake and says to call off the strike, Davis is handling it. George rips a horn off Lizzie’s head and stabs her with it. Lizzie then gets the upperhand as Davis heaves a grenade into the gills of Lizzie which drops it*

A: Yeah that’s gonna hurt.

War: Hurt but not kill it.

 

*George is impaled through the chest when he saves Davis from Lizzie. George unimpales himself with the pipe but Lizzie attacks. Davis makes it to a downed apache and starts shooting Lizzie*

W: Another blackhawk?

A: Apache.

 

*The bullets do no damage but Davis fires missiles into Lizzie. Still no effect. He escapes the apche before lizzie crushes it. Lizzie goes to finish off Davis when George jumps in out of nowhere with the pipe and impales Lizzie through the eye into its brain with it. Lizzie’s dead and George crawls off the corpse. George stumbles off as Blake notices Lizzies down and aborts the airstrike*

War: Now its over.

 

*George falls down holding the hole on his chest with Davis holding his gunshot wound*

A: They’re not doing so good.

 

*Davis says they saved the city, George says he saved Davis too. They fistbump and George dies*

Warlock and America: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

*Kate and Harvey pull up in the hummer*

Wall: I have a question, who’s gonna clean up this mess?

War: The cleanup crew will take 3 months.

Wall: That’s some serious overtime.

 

*Ambulances rescue the survivors as Davis says George saved the day. Davis figures out George is alive and George makes the middle finger*

War and America: Hahahahhaha

 

*George makes fun of Davis for crying and Kate asks if that’s a thing between him. Davis says its a thing with him because he has a twisted sense of humor. George motions Kate and Davis got it on and Davis says “No, have some class!” Kate walks off and Davis says “That was funny.” Kate “I heard that.” Davis “Shit”

Wall: Busted.

 

*Kate asks what now. Davis says to help rescue survivors and make sure George gets a new home. He will NOT be on a plane. George laughs as he helps the survivors, end credits*

W: A little different from the game but pretty good.

 

Mr. Wallstreet’s Assessment: That was a lot of fun, 8 out of 10.

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 6.5. Its a fun and enjoyable watch but the movie itself isn’t complex.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it an 8 out of 10. Its based off a video game where you smash buildings so the plot wasn’t going to be Oscar worthy. Not only that, the storyline is different than the video game storyline. If you take it as it is, a hard hitting, brainless action movie…you’ll love it.

Final Grade: 7 out of 10 – Great

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was a pretty damn good movie. In the video game three humans turn into monsters where as this movie has normal animals that turn into monster versions of themselves. As I said if you like brainless action, here you go. The Rock isn’t going to be quoting Shakespierre and Jeffrey Dean Morgan is not going to go on a crying speech on philosophy so don’t bother wasting time looking for that. Well that about…

Wallstreet: Wait, that can’t be it.

Warlock: Why?

Wallstreet: I think you two have something to settle. Or at least get your aggression out.

America: I think he’s right.

Warlock: Yeah, he is. What are you gonna do about it?

*America produces three red vials. He drinks one of them and tosses one to Wallstreet and the other to Warlock*

Warlock: Oh ho ho ho, I know where this is going.

*Warlock drinks from the vial as America starts gagging and falls down*

Wallstreet: Wait, what is this?

*A large growl is heard as American turns into a giant ape*

Wallstreet: Woah, woah WOAH WOAH WHAT IS THAT?

*Warlock gags and falls to the ground too as America/George pounds through the wall and into the streets. He starts kicking over cars and roaring*

Wallstreet: Am I seeing this?

*Warlock pops up as a giant alligator. It roars and smashes through the other wall. Warlock/Lizzie starts wiping out cars and the side of a building nearby*

Wallstreet: I…uh….oh well.

*America/George runs over to where Warlock/Lizzie is and they start to rumble. Lizzie throws George against a building and George whacks Lizzie with a traffic post. A minute later a giant wolf flies in. Wallstreet/Ralph joins in on the destruction, tearing apart police cars and eating humans*

 

THE END