308. Dog Day Afternoon (1975)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black Men’s Warehouse suit, a white undershirt, black shoes, black tie and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates and enters the lair*

Warlock: Tonight is an extra special day here at the Realm as it is our 2 year anniversary special! As I mentioned in the previous episode, John Cazale was in just 5 movies and all 5 of them were nominated for Best Picture. Last time during The Conversation I mentioned that Cazale was going to appear in a Best Picture in 1974 no matter what, but in 1975 One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest beat out Cazale’s movie DOG DAY AFTERNOON. Tonight Neyzor Blades and I will be catching Dog Day Afternoon.

*Neyzor Blades is in a black dress in the recliner*

N: There better be no dogs harmed in this movie.

W: Relax, there are no dogs in this movie. This was based on a true story where some yahoo in August of 1972 held up a bank and the entire city of New York descended on the bank to see what would happen next. The newspaper called it a dog day afternoon and 3 years later they turned it into a movie. John Cazale and Al Pacino were fresh off playing the Corleone brothers in The Godfather Part 2 so they had good chemistry to take the lead roles in this one. Will it be any good? If it was nominated for Best Picture along with Jaws and Cuckoo’s Nest then it better be.

N: Damn right it better be.

W: So let’s get going with Dog Day Afternoon.

 

Written by Frank Pierson, Thomas Moore, PF Kluge and Leslie Waller

Directed by Sidney Lumet

 

Cast:

Sylvia (Penelope Allen)

Mulvaney (Sully Boyar)

Sal (John Cazale)

Margaret (Beulah Garrick)

Jenny (Carol Kane)

Deborah (Sandra Kazan)

Miriam (Marcia Jean Kurtz)

Maria (Amy Levitt)

Howard (John Marriott)

Edna (Estelle Omens)

Sonny (Al Pacino)

Stevie (Gary Springer)

Sheldon (James Broderick)

Moretti (Charles Durning)

Carmine (Carmine Foresta)

Murphy (Lance Henriksen)

Phone Cop (Floyd Levine)

Limo Driver (Dick Anthony Williams)

Father (Dominic Chianese)

Neighbor (Marcia Haufrecht)

Mother (Judith Malina)

Angie (Susan Peretz)

Leon (Chris Sarandon)

TV Anchorman (William Bogert)

TV Reporter (Ron Cummins)

Sam (Jay Gerber)

Doctor (Philip Charles MacKenzie)

Maria’s Boyfriend (Chu Chu Malave)

Pizza Boy (Lionel Pina)

Lout (Alan Berger)

Sgt Gillis (James Bulleit)

NYC Cop (Robert Costanzo)

Shawon Wojtowicz (Fabrizio DiGiacomo)

Sgt Murray (Ed Metzger)

Cop (John Meeks)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “A man robs a bank to pay for his lover’s operation; it turns into a hostage situation and a media circus.”

N: Uh huh.

 

*Graphic reads these are true events that happened on August 22, 1972*

N: This actually happened?

W: Yes.

 

*Montage of New York set to Elton John’s Amoreena*

W: What a shithole.

N: Good song.

 

*Opening credits*

W: They’re in Brooklyn.

 

*Sal and Sonny talk to a white guy in an afro. Sal walks into a building with a briefcase, Sonny sits in the back of the car for a bit. He enters the building with a huge box with a bow on it*

W: Not wasting any time are they?

 

*Sylvia is summoned as afro boy walks into the bank with a black guard leaving. Sal sits with the manager and pulls a gun on him. Meanwhile Sonny’s friend is nervous about all this. Sonny sends him to watch the door*

W: I assume he’s going to get a name?

 

*A mother pushing a stroller exits the bank*

W: Now you can start.

N: Start what?

 

*Sonny pulls out a rifle and holds everyone hostage. His friend has no balls and Sonny yells at him. Sal tells him to go home. Sonny tells Howard the guard to let him out. Stevie is his name and he hands the gun over before running out. He runs back in and says there’s a woman hiding under a desk before leaving again. Sonny has Howard lock the door and close the drapes. He finds the girl “What’s this a squirrel?” Sonny cuts the power to the TV and the manager goes to open the safe. Sonny spots that the key he’s using will trigger the alarm. “I’m Catholic, I don’t want to hurt anyone*

W: Haha.

 

*Sonny has the woman open the vault. She says there’s only 1,100 dollars in there. Sonny freaks out. He goes to the teller drawers. Sonny says he used to work for a bank and knows how the alarms are tripped and which bills are marked. He says the bank will send them a dozen red roses if they survive*

W: Hahahaha.

 

*The teller tells Sonny to watch his language and it stuns him*

N: Hahaha

 

*Sonny grabs the register and burns it so they can’t trace what was lost*

W: It can’t be that easy.

 

*Sonny goes to grab the keys from Howard to leave.but notices the insurance guy across the street can see the smoke. He walks over and Sonny tells the manager to get rid of him. The manager bullshits the guy until he leaves. Sonny says to get the women into the vault but the women have to go to the bathroom first*

W: Are you kidding me?

 

*Sonny spots Maria in the bathroom, He pulls her out and the manager’s name is Mulvaney. The phone rings and its for Sonny*

N: How can it be for him?

W: The cops.

N: But how did they know?

W: Probably Stevie.

 

*Detective Moretti says he has them surrounded. Sonny laments what he did wrong. Mulvaney and the head teller yell at him that he had no plan. Sonny gets a phone call and he thinks its the cops, but its for the squirrell aka Jenny. Another phone rings and Sonny answers “WNEW we play all the hits.” The detective wants a head count and Sonny says he’ll call back. Jenny says her husband wants to know when Sonny will be done*

W and N: Hahahahaha

 

*Snipers are on the roof as a large crowd has gathered outside the bank. Jenny hangs up and Sonny asks Sal what went wrong. Sal asks if he’s serious about killing and if he is, he’s ready. Sonny says he’s gonna chaperone the ladies to the bathroom while Howard has an asthma attack*

W and N: Hahaha

 

*Sonny grabs Mulvaney and they barricade the door. Mulvaney has two kids and wants to see them again, Sonny says they will. He also says Mulvaney has banker’s insurance so he should be ok. Sonny says he needs a hostage, preferably a married woman with kids so they won’t shoot at him*

W: Brilliant.

 

*Moretti greets Sheldon of the FBI*

W: Ferris Buehler’s father in real life.

N: No way.

 

*WNEW TV interviews Moretti and he says they’re working on it. Montage of stuff going on*

W: Rotary phones.

 

*Sonny and Moretti banter back and forth. Sonny tells Moretti their names. He says let a hostage go in exchange for him. Sonny says to get Howard out of there. Sheldon asks what’s going on and Moretti doesn’t want him barging in. The head teller’s name is Sylvia and she leads Howard out the door where the cops pounce and cuff him*

W: They think he’s the suspect hahahahahaha.

N: So racist.

 

*Moretti runs over and get the cops to back off Howard. From inside the door Sonny and Sylvia yell at the cops. Sylvia “You almost killed him!” Sonny sarcasticly “That was smart!”

W: Love how they’re taunting Moretti.

 

*Sonny is surrounded by 250 cops*

W: That’s a lot of man power.

 

*Sonny walks outside and runs around. Sonny knows he’s being conned by Moretti about the sentence he’d serve. Sonny starts screaming “Attica”

N: What’s that?

W: There was a prison riot where the police killed everyone, innocent and guilty alike.

 

*Sonny runs around starting a riot screaming “put the fucking guns down” the cheering crowd cheers him on by chanting “put them down, put them down”

W: A man of the people isn’t he?

 

*Sonny rants and raves outside with a chopper approaching*

N: Why don’t they shoot him?

W: Sal is in there with the women.

 

*Sonny’s family watches on TV. Meanwhile Sonny shakes hands with Moretti and says they have a deal. Moretti asks Sylvia why doesn’t she leave and she says Jenny, Maria, etc are her girls and she’s staying. They go back inside and Sonny briefs Sal. The News people call and ask why he’s doing this Sonny says they have money there. Sonny says he’s got a wife and kids to support and he can’t do it making a bank teller’s salary. Sonny says he’s not going to surrender. Sonny “Fuck him”

N: Hahaha

 

*Sal grabs the rifle and says Sonny made him a promise either they get away clean or they kill themselves. Sal doesn’t want to go back to prison*

W: Character development.

 

*A crank call tells Sonny to kill everyone. He starts pacing back and forth and says they need a helicopter to fly out of the country*

W: That won’t work.

 

*Sonny says he’s flying to the tropics, fuck the snow*

W: Hahaha

 

*Sonny spastically says they’re all flying to Algeria. Sonny requests Moretti outside. Sonny tells Sal they’re leaving the country and not coming back so he has anyone to call do it now. He asks if there’s any country he wants to go to, Sal says Wyoming*

N: That’s not a country!

 

*Sonny comes out alone unarmed and is cheered by the crowd. He caters to the crowd but Maria’s boyfriend tackles him and has to be restrained. He’s dragged away and Sonny shakes his head “How did that happen?”

N: Hahahahaa

 

*Sonny is patched up by Moretti and Sonny says he needs a jet. Moretti says the jet can’t land on the roof, it’ll go right through. Moretti says he’ll talk to his superiors about it. Sonny says he wants to see his wife but Moretti says only if he lets the hostages go. Sonny says he’ll let one go to see his wife. His wife is Angie and she rants and waves to the cops*

W: He’s got the stereotypical fat jewish house wife.

 

*Margaret has passed out. Sonny gets a call from the crazy caller and he hands the phone to Maria and one of the other women. They giggle to confuse the caller. Margaret has heat stroke and Sonny realizes they cut the power*

W: Good luck.

 

*Sal is worried because hes never been on a plane before. Sonny spots people coming in through the back and he fires a warning shot at a window. He makes the women drag Margaret into the vault*

W: Ha they’re dragging her.

 

*Moretti can’t get the megaphone to work*

W: This is dark comedy before dark comedy was a thing.

 

*The crowd says “Sonny” and Moretti tells them to shush. A kid in the crowd gives the cops the finger and has to be restrained*

N: Hahahaha.

 

*Sonny tucks his shirt in and walks out, he and Moretti scream at each other. Moretti “Its a tactical squad. They like to climb things and shoot*

W: Hahahahaha.

 

*Moretti tries to calm down Sonny. Sonny says he needs pizza for the women inside. Moretti calls over Carmine and says to bring pizza and soft drinks, no beer*

W: Hahahaha.

 

*Moretti “I’m not gonna con you, I’m in enough trouble as it is.”

N: He’s just doing his job.

 

*Sonny tells Sal that they’re gonna bring a bus, not a helicopter. He tells the women he ordered food and Mulvaney calls him foolish. Sonny says he’s gotta do everything by himself. He tells Mulvaney that he’s getting on his nerves. Meanwhile Sonny walks outside and pays the pizza guy. The crowd chants for the money and Sonny starts throwing it to the crowd. A riot breaks out as the pizza guy helps him bring the food in*

W: This guy’s having a blast.

 

*Pizza guy jumps “I’m a star!”

W: Hahaha

 

*The people inside are having fun. Sonny teaches Deborah some ROTC stuff. Sylvia wants a cigarette and she doesn’t smoke. Sal asks why she’d start and she says she’s scared. Sal says a body is a temple of the lord and he doesn’t want cancer*

W: Knowing the actor died of cancer 3 years later makes this sad.

 

*Moretti calls Sonny and says his wife is on her away. His “wife” is a man named Leon. Sonny shouts “Hey Leon! Happy birthday!” Leon faints*

W: Its the guy from Child’s Play.

 

*Leon comes to and says Sonny’s been trying to kill him all summer. Leon reveals he’s Sonny’s lover and the reason Sonny’s robbing the bank was to pay for a sex change operation for Leon*

W: THAT’S the premise of the movie?

 

*Moretti tries to call him an accessory.  Leon is too chicken to call. Sonny is mad Leon won’t talk to him. The news says Father Burke married them and the story is true, they really did get married. The priest was defrocked. Sal listens that “Two homosexuals are robbing the bank.” Sal is mad because he’s not gay and Sonny says he doesn’t control the news*

W: This was front page news in 1972, this is a normal saturday night now.

 

*Everyone stares at Sonny. The power gets cut and Sal loads the rifle. Moretti wants to talk to Sonny. Sonny walks out and Sheldon walks up. Sonny says to turn the lights on and the AC. Sheldon says no more favors. Sheldon wants the hostages. Sonny says one hostage for the limo, one for the jet and the rest go with him. Sheldon wants to come inside and Sonny says he’ll think about it*

W: Yeah this is starting to drag.

 

*Sonny frisks the guy and says he wants the guy that kills him to hate him, not because its his job. Sheldon walks in and is there to make sure everyone’s okay. Sheldon looks around as Sal keeps a gun on him. Sal says to stop the TV from saying he’s a homosexual*

W: Yeah that’s not gonna work.

 

*Sonny and Sheldon step outside. Sheldon says they’ll take Sal and to just sit quiet. Sonny says “You think I’ll sell him out you fuck?” Mulvaney collapses and Sonny says they poisoned the pizza. Sylvia says its not the pizza, he has diabetes. Sonny runs out “Is there a doctor around here?”

W: Hahahaha

 

*Sonny says Mulvaney is in trouble and some guy runs up with a medical bag. Sonny lets him in as Sheldon says Leon wants to talk. Sonny calls Leon and they banter back and forth. Leon freaks out because Sonny says he’s dying*

N: Yeah really, you and Sonny have no idea how hurtful saying that is.

 

*Sonny says he either will say goodbye or Leon can come with him. Leon asks why he wants to go to Algeria and Sonny says there’s a Howard Johnson’s there*

W: Hahahaha

N: This is starting to drag.

 

*Sonny says he can’t give up now. Leon says they think he’s part of the plot and Sonny asks if the cops are listening. Murphy and Sheldon are listening in*

W: Lance Henriksen in a bit role.

 

*Sonny tells Sheldon, Murphy and Moretti that Leon had nothing to do with it. Sonny realizes that when Leon gets the operation he’ll be a woman and Sonny says goodbye*

N: When is this over?

 

*Sal has been listening in the whole time. Sonny wants to talk to Angie. She’s frantic when he calls. He called her a pig and she rants that she let herself get fat and he doesn’t love her any more*

W: Id hit it.

N: Shaddup.

 

*Sonny wants her to come down but she says its just him and Sal and she doesn’t have a babysitter. He hangs up. The Doctor says he needs to take Mulvaney for a cardiac check. Sonny says Mulvaney can go but Mulvaney says no and not to act like a hero. Sonny lets Doc out and the crowd chants “out of the closet and into the streets!”

W: Imagine if this happened now? He’d be a hero.

 

*Mulvaney apologizes for his use of language and Miriam laughs. Sonny’s mother is here to see him. His mother told the cops everything and Sonny says he’s flying to Algeria. His mother says he wouldn’t need Leon if Angie was worth a damn. His mother says he needs to run. Sonny says “Where am I gonna go?”

W: Hahaha he runs for it, movie’s over.

 

*Sonny sends her away and Sheldon says 10 minutes*

W: The movie is over in 20.

 

*Sonny tells Sylvia to write a love letter from him to his darling wife Leon. He also takes $2,700 from his life insurance for the sex change and any money left from his death will go to his grave. He leaves 5 grand to Angie and says she’s the only woman he ever loved and he re-pledges his love for her*

W: So he’s bi.

N: Ya think?

 

*He wants his son Timmy to remember him and says he’s the man in the family now. He asks his mother for forgiveness and a military funeral*

W: What’s he gonna kill himself?

N: How would I know?

 

*A limo bus is there to take the group to the airport. Sonny walks out and talks to the driver. He checks the vehicle out and the driver says his old lady Sheila won’t believe it. Sonny tries to get the limo driver to come with him but he won’t. Sonny knows hes a cop and sends him away, brings Murphy in with him. He rallies everyone together to leave*

W: 15 minutes to go.

 

*Sonny grabs Sal and all the women. Murphy leads the way outside and he gets in the drivers seat. Sonny and the women all pile in except Deborah who wishes them luck. Sheldon tells Murphy to follow his car. Murphy tells Sal to point the gun elsewhere because it may go off if they hit a bump*

W: Yeah really, back off.

N: They still don’t have air conditioning.

 

*Jenny, Margaret, Maria, Sylvia, Mulvaney, Sal, Murphy and Sonny are in the car getting honked at and taunted by hecklers all the way to Kennedy Airport*

W: Sal may try something.

 

*The convoy pulls up to the jet. Sal starts to panic. Sheldon says they need one of them in exchange for the jet. Sonny asks who goes and Maria leaves. She wishes Sal luck on the plane. She goes and Murphy tells Sal to point the gun up when he leaves. Sal puts it up and Murphy pulls out his own, Sheldon grabs Sonny and Murphy plugs Stan right between the eyes*

W: *Gasps*

N: No…….I can’t even.

 

*Sheldon arrests Sonny as the women are set free. He watches them go and Sal being hauled off. Sonny cries over Sal*

W: Well I figured there wouldn’t be a happy ending.

 

*Graphic reads Sonny Wortzik is serving 20 years in jail. Angie is living with the kids on welfare and Leon is a woman living in NYC. End credits*

N: That was so fucked up.

W: Wow…that was…wow.

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I cant even….I can’t even. 5 out of 10, fuck it.

The Warlock’s Assessment: The premise of this movie was based on true events so I can’t make fun of it too much, but that movie was batshit INSANE. I give it a 7 out of 10 because of the great acting even if it dragged near the end.

Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: Now that was a lot of fun. It had kind of a sad ending but that’s exactly what happened in real life. Movies based on true events can go either way but this was done very well. You felt like Pacino and the others really got into their characters and it was interesting to see how it would end. Since it was based on a true story the writing took certain liberties. The real life Sonny had been divorced from his wife for two years, not still married to her like in the movie. Still, it was a damn good watch and I highly recommend viewing it at least once. It may not be as epic as Jaws or Cuckoo’s Nest but  there is no shame coming in third place compared to those two. Well that about wraps up another goodtastic adventure and another anniversary special. Have a pleasant evening.

307. The Conversation (1974)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of Dr. Pepper*

W: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and walks inside*

W: The next two days are going to be a mini-special. For those that don’t know, actor John Cazale was only in 5 movies before he died of cancer in 1978. All 5 of them happened to be nominated for Best Picture by the Academy Awards. Those five movies are The Godfather, Dog Day Afternoon, The Godfather Part 2, The Deer Hunter and tonight’s movie, The Conversation.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*

N: What is The Conversation?

W: I’m not sure. It should be noted that of the 5 movies he was in and nominated for Best Picture, 3 of them won. Deer Hunter and the two Godfathers. The Conversation happened to be released the same year as The Godfather Part 2 so Cazale was going to be in Best Picture by default. The million dollar question is The Conversation worthy of second place behind Godfather Part 2? Let’s find out and start the movie.

 

Written and Directed by Francis Ford Coppola

 

Cast:

Harry Caul (Gene Hackman)

Stan (John Cazale)

Bernie Moran (Allen Garfield)

Mark (Frederic Forrest)

Ann (Cindy Williams)

Paul (Michael Higgins)

Meredith (Elizabeth MacRae)

Amy (Teri Garr)

Martin Stett (Harrison Ford)

Receptionist (Mark Wheeler)

The Mime (Robert Shields)

Lurleen (Phoebe Alexander)

Man at Party (Ramon Bieri)

Boy in Church (Giancarlo Coppola)

The Director (Robert Duvall)

Security Guard (Richard Hackman)

Salesman (George Meyer)

Surveillance Salesman (Al Nalbandian)

Businessman (Erick Vinther)

Man in Yellow Hat (Billy Dee Williams)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “A paranoid, secretive surveillance expert has a crisis of conscience when he suspects that a couple, on whom he is spying, will be murdered.”

N: interesting.

 

*Movie opens with “Bill Bailey Wont You Come Home”

W: I don’t know the words but I know the song.

 

*Cindy Williams*

N: Its Shirley.

 

*Mime performs on the street, a dog barks at him*

N: Awww its a babies.

 

*Harry Caul walks the streets with the mime in tow*

W: Ha, a secret agent.

 

*Sniper prepares to shoot a couple but they disappear*

W: Missed his chance.

 

*Ann talks with Harry*

W: Is that Cindy Williams?

N: Yes.

 

*Audio is purposely distorted as Ann and the other walk by Harry. A drunk has fallen asleep*

W: Hahahaha.

 

*Stan records the convo as Harry hops in the van and asks for a status report. Stan says one of the audio camera is malfunctioning. Stan starts taking pictures of 2 girls as Harry looks disgusted*

W: That’s John Cazale.

 

*Paul has been spotted by Ann and Mark*

W: They made him.

 

*Paul banters with Harry and Stan in the van. Paul drops off more hidden audio and leaves. Stan “He’s a nice guy for a cop”. Stan asks if Ann and Mark are being targeted by the Infernal Revenue*

W and N: Hahaha.

 

*Harry runs into a neighbor who wishes him a happy birthday. He has four locks on his door*

N: Jesus.

 

*The alarm goes off anyway, he shuts it off*

W: His neighbors must like that.

 

*Harry gets undressed*

W: Can something happen please? All he’s doing is Mr. Rogers.

 

*Harry calls whoever left him the bottle and asks how they got it in the apartment despite all the locks. Harry takes his pants off and finds out the landlady put it there, Ms Evangelista. He asks his mail to be delivered to a safe box at the post office from now on*

W: Wow what an asshole.

 

*Harry plays the sax to a jazz record*

W: The neighbors must love that too.

N: If he’s really playing.

 

*Stan reveals that Harry is a dignitary at the upcoming surveillance convention. William P Moran will also be there. Stan plays some audio tape for Harry. A reel to reel machine is shown*

W: That’s how my uncle DJ’d in the 70’s.

 

*Harry listens and mixes the audio then makes a call from a phone booth*

W: Can something happen please?

 

*The Director says Harry will be paid at 2:30 PM the next day*

W: This is an all-star cast.

 

*Harry walks in on his girlfriend Amy*

W: Teri Garr in the house.

 

*Amy reveals Harry’s quirks and tendencies*

W: He’s like Livingston in Ocean’s Eleven.

 

*Amy and Harry make out on the bed and she knows almost nothing about him. She asks him about his background and he stones her cold*

W: Cause its his birthday.

 

*Harry pays for Amy’s rent. Amy says she wants a committed relationship but he doesn’t. She says she won’t wait for him much longer*

N: So he’s not a conversationalist, he listens to them.

 

*Harry brings a package to The Director. His assistant will meet him in the lobby. Its Martin Stett*

W: A young Harrison Ford.

 

*Martin offers a Christmas cookie and Harry refuses*

W: Han Solo can bake huh?

 

*Harry gets paid 15 grand in cash but Harry wanted to deal with The Director himself. He hands back the cash and tries to take back the tapes but Martin grabs them and says not to get involved, they’re dangerous. Harry walks out with the tapes and spots Mark in the elevator*

W: He’s starting to think something is up.

 

*Harry gets on a different elevator and Ann is on it*

N: Maybe she is having an affair or something.

 

*Harry re-listens to the tapes with Stan. Stan says christ’s name in vain and Harry doesn’t like it. We have a back and forth montage of the original conversation recorded by The Mime, Harry and the others. Stan and Harry argue*

W: Can something happen please?

 

*Mark says he loves Ann. Ann says someone has been recording her telephone*

W: This is the early stages of this kind of technology to try to clear up audio. Abby on NCIS would have this done in about 10 seconds these days.

 

*After the audio is clear Mark says “He’d kill us if he got the chance”

W: Ooooh.

 

*Harry goes to church for confession. He took the lord’s name in vain, taken newspapers without paying, made impure thoughts and taken part in a plot that may hurt two people*

W: “Gimmie 3 Hail Mary’s and get the hell out of here.”

 

*Harry hits up the convention he was booked at. He has a conversation with someone trying to sell him a model 510-A Eavesdropper, it supposedly records once a phone is picked up and stops when it ends*

W: Nice name for it.

 

*Harry checks out a security camera system. Martin Stett is there*

W: He must be involved.

 

*Paul meets Harry at a meeting. William P Moran is known as Bernie. They finally meet each other. Bernie runs a demonstration with Meredith’s help of a new recording device. Stan is at the convention as well and Harry confronts him. Stan started working for Bernie the day before because he’s mad Harry never tells him anything. Harry begs for him to come back but he won’t budge. Harry says he’s being followed and asks Stan for help, he’ll think about it. Harry tells Stan what he’s selling is junk before he leaves*

W: Ha.

 

*Harry calls Amy’s phone but the number has been disconnected. He asks the operator what Amy’s listing is and the operator says there’s no record of Amy*

N: She ditched him.

 

*Harry confronts Martin who comes with a message. Martin says The Director will be there at 1 pm to deliver the money personally. Lurleen and Millard ride with Paul, Bernie and Harry*

W: What’s he doing there?

 

*Bernie, Stan, Meredith, Lurleen, Bernie, Harry and Paul have a party at the surveillance workshop*

W: This makes no sense, I thought they hated each other.

 

*Bernie wants to know how Harry cracked a case back in 68 but Meredith buts in and wants to dance. She bangs her head against a hook and says she used to bang her head against the wall as a child*

W: She is strange.

 

*Bernie says he tapped his first phone at 12 years old. Meanwhile Meredith takes Harry aside to bond. She tries to get him to trust her*

N: He’s known her 5 minutes, why would he trust her? Use your head Harry!

 

*Harry resists her advances and a scooter approaches with Stan and Paul riding by. He dances with her anyway before she stops to run in a circle*

W: They just did a 10 minute scene to reveal he misses Amy, could have done that in 30 seconds.

 

*Bernie talks about himself but then reveals Harry busted the presidential fraud back in 68. Bernie gives the details as how there’s no way in hell he could have done it but he did it anyway. Harry denies everything but Bernie keeps pressing. Stan tries to play “Bill Bailey Won’t You Come Home” and Harry shuts it off. Stan says it was his latest assignment but Harry refuses to talk. Stan gives up the game plan and asks how Bernie would do it. Bernie’s method doesn’t work and Harry gives up how he did it*

W: Why did he do that???

 

*Harry makes a gay joke and wants to cut in on Paul and Meredith dancing with Paul. Paul slips out of the grip and laughs*

W: Ha.

 

*Harry figures out he’s been bugged by Bernie and everyone laughs but him. He throws everyone out. Everyone but Meredith goes. She says it was just a joke and everything will be ok. She tries to pull him away from the audio for some lip action and he goes with her*

W: Whats his problem?

N: He doesn’t like being bugged. He takes it personal.

 

*Meredith gets naked*

W: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*Meredith lays in bed with Harry but she notices he’s listening very intently to the audio. He tells her a family was murdered because of him. They were stripped naked, shaven and beheaded*

W: Real pleasant.

 

*Harry sleeps next to Meredith*

W: Sweet dreams.

 

*Harry dreams he runs after Ann. He tells Ann he survived polio, he hit a man in the stomach when he was 5 and the man died a year later. He tells the aparition that he’s not afraid of death, he’s afraid of murder. He envisions Ann being attacked and he wakes up with Meredith gone*

W: I bet she stole the tapes.

 

*The tapes are gone*

W: Yup….I was right, Harrison Ford suckered him.

 

*Harry calls Martin and is put on hold. The phone in his house rings*

W: Its an unlisted number, nobody is supposed to have it. I get it now.

 

*Martin calls Harry and tells him they had to take drastic measures to make sure the tapes weren’t destroyed. The Director is there and is prepared to pay him in full. Harry shows up with the photographs*

N: What kind of coat is he wearing? It looks like a plastic raincoat.

W: Half hour left, this can’t be the end.

 

*A dog runs in with The Director*

N: Its a babies.

 

*Martin is with The Director*

W: Robert Duvall in the house.

N: Tom Hagen from The Godfather?

W: The same.

 

*A picture of Ann is on the wall*

W: Ohhhh its his wife.

 

*Director yells at Martin that its true and Martin says unfortunately. Harry counts his money, puts it in an envelope and hands over the pictures of Ann and Mark together. He asks what he’ll do to her and Director doesn’t answer. Martin walks him to the elevator. Harry asks what he’ll do to them and Martin stares at him and says “we’ll see”. Harry throws the money when he walks out but retrieves it*

W: He’s gonna need it.

 

*Harry is trying to figure out how to bug the hotel Ann and Mark are supposed to meet at. He drills a hole in the wall next to the toilet and installs his device. He listens to Ann and Mark argue before a loud crash is heard*

W: Now what?

N: He’s all afraid they’re gonna get killed.

 

*Harry hallucinates that Ann was killed and he freaks out*

W: I think he imagined it, there’s still 20 minutes left.

 

*Harry turns on the TV and passes out. Later on the tv is distorted but he’s wide awake*

W: Hey The Flintstones are one.

N: Neat.

 

*Harry knocks on Ann’s door but there’s no answer*

N: The do not disturb sign is gone.

 

*Harry breaks in and the place is cleared out*

W: Let me guess, either they did a bang up job cleaning the place or they were never there.

 

*The toilet has a seal on it*

W: Is there a head in there?

 

*Harry checks the bathtub, there’s nothing there*

N: Checking for blood.

 

*Harry opens the toilet and flushes it, blood comes out*

W: Either he’s dreaming or hallucinating. There can’t be that much blood.

 

*Harry runs up to the Director’s office but has to be restrained by security. He leaves without any further incident*

W: Love how they didn’t throw him out, he just walked out.

 

*Harry spots a Mercedes limo car with Ann inside it*

N: She’s not dead.

 

*Harry reads that the Director has been killed in an auto accident. Ann is surrounded by reporters, she’s the new CEO*

W: Wow, what a swerve.

 

*Harry realizes that the plot was to murder the Director, not Ann. He was protecting the wrong person. Harry plays the sax with a montage of Director being killed in the hotel room. His phone rings*

W: Martin again.

 

*Harry gets a call from Martin saying don’t get further involved, a tape recording of him playing the sax is played for proof they have him bugged. Harry cases the place for bugs. He can’t find anything until he spots the Virgin Mary statue. He tries to break it and takes out his own shelf*

W: Those things were built to last huh?

 

*Harry goes berserk and wrecks the entire place, still can’t find it*

N: He’s really going crazy.

W: Remember he told Bernie he could hear audio from 200 yards away?

 

*The entire place is ripped up and Harry plays the sax as the credits play*

W: Wow

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: That was boring, I give it a 5.

The Warlock: Its boring but if you can get into the story, its actually interesting. The plot twist at the end was nice but the pacing kinds of ruins it. They definitely padded it to get it to 2 hours. I give it a 7 because the acting was great and the story was great, just paced badly.

Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: I thought All The President’s Men was too talky but this one takes the cake. Then again the movie is called The CONVERSATION so of course there would be a lot of talk involved. Its still a good movie if you look past the pacing issues and its got a great cast. A lot of A listers turned in great performances and the vibe of the movie remained creepy throughout. I’m used to Gene Hackman playing a loudmouth so to see him reserved and quiet was a change of pace that worked very well. The story itself is easy to follow and its a Hollywood production so no sense squawking about production issues. All in all I can definitely recommend The Conversation as worth taking a look at, especially since it just missed out on the Oscar for Best Picture. That about wraps up another goodtastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.

 

306. The Pleasure Seekers (1964)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a diamond studded stein of Pepsi*

W: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock tilts his head and the lights flicker before he walks inside*

W: Tonight’s movie has been handpicked by Mr. America.

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

A: That’s right, you better appreciate it.

W: After the success of Bye Bye Birdie, Ann-Margret went on to star in Viva Las Vegas with the real Elvis Presley. What came after that? THE PLEASURE SEEKERS. Released the same year as Viva, Margret and two other girls are living the single life in Spain when 3 men show up to wreak havoc on their lives. Is it any good? Let’s find out and start The Pleasure Seekers.

 

Written by John H Secondari and Edith Sommer

Directed by Jean Negulesco

 

Cast:

Fran Hobson (Ann Margret)

Emilio Lacayo (Anthony Franciosa)

Maggie Williams (Carol Lynley)

Pete McCoy (Gardner McKay)

Susie Higgins (Pamela Tiffin)

Dr Andres Briones (Andre Lawrence)

Jane Barton (Gene Tierney)

Neighborhood Man (Vito Scotti)

Dona Teresa Lacayo (Isobel Elsom)

Jose (Maurice Marsac)

Marian (Shelby Grant)

Martinez (Raoul De Leon)

Paul Barton (Brian Keith)

Flamenco Dancer (Antonio Gades)

Guitarist (Emilio de Diego)

Party Guests (Leon Alton, Frank Baker, Alex Ball, Ralph Brooks, Steve Carruthers, Ernesto Molinari, Sol Murgi, Monty O’Grady, Murray Pollack, Anthony Redondo, Luree Wiese)

Arturo (Peter Brocco)

Guardia Urbano (Manolo Moran)

Spanish Girl (Warrene Ott)

French Girl (Shirley Parker)

Mr. Morton (Warren Parker)

Receptionist (Ida Romero)

Admiring Young Man (Gino Sabetelli)

Waiter (Cosmo Sardo)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “Three American lovelies room together in Madrid and all manage to get themselves into unhappy relationships with fellows.”

A: ….Isn’t the idea to get a HAPPY relationship?

 

*Graphic reads TV-14*

W: This movie is for 14 and up? It must be raunchy for 1964 standards.

A: I hope so.

 

*Opening credits*

W: That sounds like the Tony Delvecchio theme.

A: The what?

W: Nevermind.

 

*Pots are shown in the credits*

A: Oh boy…pottery.

 

*Movie thanks The Prado Museum to let them photograph inside there*

W: Yeah, they wont let you take pictures in the Sistine Chapel over in Italy.

 

*Cab driver plows into someone*

A and W: Hahahahaha

 

*Susie and Maggie greet and say hi*

W: I thought this was gonna be in Spanish, thank goodness.

 

*Tour of the scenery*

W: Madrid looks lovely.

A: You’re gonna spend the movie admiring the architecture?

W: I’ve never been to Madrid.

 

*Six guys check out Susie*

W: These guys are savages.

A: Apparently she’s translating for us.

 

*Susie and Maggie introduce Fran*

W: There’s your girl.

A: I feel better now.

W: In her underwear to boot.

 

*Fran frantically puts clothes on but her rehearsal isn’t for another day*

W: You’re early.

 

*Maggie and Fran eat breakfast and tell Susie there’s no men worth anything there. Fran eats a sardine sandwich*

W: She’s eating sardines?

A: I’d still kiss her….maybe.

 

*Susie admires a neighbor as Fran says Maggie’s boss is Paul Barton*

W: This should be good.

 

*Maggie runs into Pete who’s smoking and reading letters*

W: Excuse while I…

A: Smoke.

 

*Pete admonishes Maggie for cleaning up for Paul. Pete says he’s a good writer but lousy editing ruined him. Paul walks in and says there’s a party tomorrow night*

W: I’ve seen him before, I just don’t remember where.

 

*Senior Martinez is the landlord of the building, Paul says he’ll take care of him. He gives Pete shit on the way out*

W: At least we got names for people.

 

*Maggie hires Fran to come to the party the very next night*

W: I remember now….that’s Buckshot Roberts in Young Guns.

A: Ann Margret?

W: Noooo….the guy playing Paul.

 

*Fran shows her underwear*

W: Yay.

A: This was shown on TV in the 60’s?

 

*Fran gets wiped out on a motorcycle with a carriage on it. Some handsome doctor runs up and tends to her*

W: Is that Andre Lawrence?

A: Who?

 

*Dr. Andres Briones tends to Fran and tells her his name but doesn’t want to know hers*

W: Wow what an asshole.

 

*Two men stare at Susie and turn away when she looks over*

A: Hahahaha “No we’re not creepers”

 

*Emilio picks up Susie who’s crying*

W: Why is she crying looking at artwork?

A: I don’t know.

 

*Emilio has a drink with Susie. They chat back and forth*

W: Can we progress the story now?

 

*Maggie, Susie and Fran get dressed and ready for the party*

W: This just got better.

 

*Party is shown*

W: So this is Senor Martinez’ party?

A: You’re asking me?

 

*Paul’s wife Jane is introduced*

W: That’s Gene Tierney, she was the Ann Margret of the late 1940’s. This is kind of a passing of the torch moment from her to Ann Margret.

 

*Emilio walk in with a woman. Maggie tells Susie to forget it because he’s a wealthy player. Emilio runs up to Maggie and says hi and to Susie before walking off*

W: At least he’s not a gigolo.

A: Life goes on without me.

W: Pamela Tiffin has knockers, jesus.

A: Yeah really, twice the size of Maggie there.

 

*Drumroll*

A: Now what?

W: Hi everybody I’m Dennis James!

 

*The light go out and some guy plays guitar*

W: El Mariachi!

 

*Spanish dancer does a tap dance*

W: What’s the name of Spanish dancers?

A: Uh….you’re asking the wrong guy.

 

*Guy continues to tap dance*

A: I’m just waiting for this dance to end, that’s all.

 

*Song ends*

A: Now smash the guitar!

W: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 

*Another song starts*

A: Oh wait there’s more.

 

*Fran joins the dancer*

W: This just got better. That pink dress is almost see through.

A: Yes!

 

*Fran sings and performs The Pleasure Seekers*

W: Are you liking it.

A: What do you think?

W: Her hips are out of this world.

A: I’m not complaining.

W: This was a year after Bye Bye Birdie.

A: Look at the rock on her ring finger.

W: Was she married in the movie?

A: That just raises so many more questions.

W: Just shut up and enjoy the show.

A: I…..uh….okay.

 

*Maggie dances with Paul*

W: Buckshot can dance.

A: Is this gonna be the romance pairing?

W: Could be. Susie is with Emilio and Fran can have anyone in the entire fucking planet.

 

*Jane cuts in and tells Maggie to get lost. Maggie has Pete take her home*

W: THERE’S your pairing.

 

*Pete drives Maggie home and asks if she was having an affair and she says no, that’s the problem*

A: A fork in the road, whatever will they do?

 

*Maggie has Pete drive left in the fork*

W: When you see a fork in the road, take it.

A: That’s exactly…..what?

 

*Pete continues to drive*

A: I love the green screen here. The top is down and their hair isn’t moving at all.

W: I just remembered, this is Gene Tierney’s last movie. She did a mini-series but this was the last big one she was in.

A: Fascinating.

 

*Phone rings, Fran and Susie race to answer. Fran wins but its Emilio calling for Susie. He asks her out and Fran eats bratwurst and tells Susie to say no. Susie says yes*

W: Is she eating bratwurst?

A: I don’t know.

 

*The Neighbor makes kissy faces to Susie and Fran says she can’t handle that guy, let alone Emilio*

W: Ha.

 

*Fran catches a ride with them to meet Andres. She wants to go fishing with Andres. She tells Susie she can’t go with her and an excited Emilio drives off*

W: Haha, the cockblock is gone.

A: He wasted NO time in letting her go.

 

*Fran sings Something To Think About laying on a blanket with Andres*

W: I feel a song coming on.

A: Maybe that’s just gas.

 

*Fran and Andres frolic and talk about life*

W: Ok, next couple.

 

*Emilio and Susie hit up a church*

W: Did they just get married?

A: No, they’re looking at artwork.

W: Then why is she wearing a white veil?

A: I don’t know.

 

*Emilio and Susie hit up a cafe after she slaps some guy checking her out*

W: Hahaha

 

*Susie tells Emilio she heard he was a cynical, heartless, corrupt man. Emilio says she heard right. He asks her to marry him. She says “sure, when?” He then says “Maybe we should take some time.”

W: He backpedaled so fast he almost ran over me.

A: Hahahaha

 

*Emilio tells the waiter he just lost a bet*

W: Somebody bet him to ask her to marry him.

 

*Paul tells Senor Martinez to pound sand as Maggie walks in. She asks about his life and he goes into a sob story*

W: Uh oh.

 

*Paul holds Maggie’s face*

W: Here we go…

 

*Paul hugs Maggie instead. Pete walks in jealous and walks out. Maggie goes after him and Paul says hes sorry*

W: Nothing happened, good.

 

*Emilio takes Susie to see bullfighting*

W: El Matador!!!

A: Loco Americano!

 

*Matador tosses his hat to Susie and Emilio says he’s dedicating the fight to her. She gets mad he’s going to actually kill the bull and faints. Emilio says well done as the camera doesn’t pan to anything. He picks up Susie*

W: At least they didn’t show it.

 

*Susie tries to break up with Emilio saying she knows he’s a player. Emilio protests and starts kissing up on her*

W: He’s got a silver tongue like me.

 

*The phone rings inside the apartment, Maggie goes to anwer in her nightie and The Neighbor checks her out using a flashlight*

W: Hahahahaha.

 

*Paul calls Maggie looking for Pete because he can’t find him. Maggie cuts a promo saying she’s not a floozie or easy. Paul tells her to shut up and says this is serious business, Pete’s needed in New York. Maggie tells Paul that Pete is in Paris and Paul asks why didn’t she say that from the beginning. Paul says he’s going to tell her how he really feels about her when Jane walks in. Paul backtracks and hangs up*

W: Hahahaha, busted.

 

*Maggie rips the shades down by accident and Susie walks in. Maggie rips Susie for sleeping with Emilio and Susie says she didn’t sleep with him but they’re engaged. She’s supposed to meet his mother in the morning. Maggie says she’s gonna need two new roommates with Fran wanting to go to America and if this works out with Emilio*

W: Wow.

 

*Fran left a note saying she’s run off with Andres*

W: She’s over the hill?

A: Never.

 

*Fran shares pillow talk with Andres. They go outside and check out a cabana show poolside*

W: She dances better than them.

 

*Little kids dance*

W: They dance better than you do.

A: What????

 

*Andres and Fran perform Everything Makes Music When You’re In Love*

W: This is one of the performance songs.

A: Everything? That’s a lot of things.

 

*Fran dances in a bikini and the little kids join in*

W: Kids gonna have a boner the rest of his life.

A: Hahahaha

 

*Andres is separated from Fran by the kids*

W: That one kid says “back off she’s mine.”

A: Stupid kids.

 

*Fran’s plane is about to take off, Andres can’t go with her. She thanks him for two great days*

A: She’s flying out on a Convair 340.

W: Time period accurate?

A: Yep.

 

*Maggie walks into the office and sees a girl sitting in a chair outside of Pete’s office, Maggie says he brought back homework. Pete walks in and says he DIDN’T get the job. Maggie says Paul wants to see him and Pete says he’ll see him later*

W: Ha.

 

*Susie in white booty shorts runs to answer the door, its Fran*

W: Woah.

 

*Fran tells Susie its over between her and Andres because he can’t stay with her. Susie tries not to cry but Fran does*

W: I hate distance.

 

*Susie says Emilio never picked her up. She catches a cab to meet Mrs. Locayo. His mom has no idea who she is or that she was coming. Susie says Emilio asked her to marry him and Mrs. Locayo asks how well does she know Emilio. Susie says she knows he’s a player but this time is different because he said they needed to meet Mrs. Locayo. The mother reveals this is part of his game*

W: She got played.

 

*Emilio has a girl in the car and runs in. Mrs. Locayo cuts him off and lays into him for hurting Susie. Emilio asks if this was her idea and Mrs. Locayo says no, he brought this on himself. She apologizes to Susie*

W: Slap him!

 

*Emilio asks his mom if she forgot anything and she says yes, he’s a coward*

W: Burn!

 

*Maggie comes home and Fran is packing her things. She’s pissed Andres is gone so she’s going home to the US. Fran starts crying*

A: She has to do a better job folding or the suitcase will never get packed.

 

*Susie walks in and says she’s leaving with Fran because she got played too*

W: Wow, men suck.

A: Speak for yourself.

 

*Maggie answers the phone, its Paul. He invites her to a party. Paul and Pete go back and forth that they don’t like each other. Pete says he’s got the guts to quit and Paul says he’d have guts if he didn’t quit. Paul says he’ll help put Pete on the plane out of there unless he’s got the guts. Pete says he’ll stay*

W: Ok……so now what?

 

*Paul says he’s taking Maggie to the party. Pete says he’s doing the right thing because Maggie loves Paul*

W: No, she loved YOU.

 

*Maggie and Paul hit up the party and mingle. Pete is there with Mei Ling. The parties host tells Maggie he’s never seen Paul this happy before until he brought her along*

W: Wow. The one romance that could make it is an affair?

 

*Jane confronts Maggie and she knows about her affair. She tears into her*

W: Hard to hate Jane for this.

 

*Maggie turns it around and says she should be giving Paul the attention but she didn’t. Jane says shes not giving him up and he doesn’t care about Maggie. Maggie says she feels sorry for Jane and Jane slaps her. Maggie doesn’t sell it*

W: She didn’t even flinch.

 

*Maggie asks Pete to take her home. An intoxicated Maggie rants with Pete listening to every word*

W: So he’s gonna take advantage of her when she’s drunk?

 

*Maggie says Pete has had too much to drink and she passes out*

W and A: Ha.

 

*Maggie wakes up in the car and tells Pete about Fran and Susie got played and even The Neighbor doesn’t like them anymore*

A: Wow…okay.

 

*Pete carries Maggie to her apartment and he says she’s not too old for him. She goes to kiss him but passes out. Next day Pete confronts Paul and tells him off*

W: Yeah really.

 

*Pete makes a call to bring back Andres and tells Maggie that Paul wants to see her. Maggie walks in and Paul says Jane is his fault. He made her that way but he still loves her. Paul says he loves Maggie too but can’t leave Jane*

W: Open marriages weren’t around back then huh?

 

*Pete walks in on them and Maggie leaves. Paul makes a call to Emilio and meets with him. Paul confronts Emilio about Susie and says she’s leaving tomorrow. They’re having a going away party and he invites him to it*

W: Hahaha here’s your closure.

 

*Fran and Susie are about to leave when The Neighbor shows up. He just got married to a big fat Spanish lady*

W and A: Hahahahahahahahhaa!!!

A: That was pretty entertaining.

 

*At the going away party Jane apologizes to Maggie*

W: Wow, you’d never see that.

 

*Fran has been paid to sing. She performs Next Time*

W: Look at the fire in her eyes.

 

*Pete watches from afar. After Fran is done, Emilio and his mother walk in. Emilio wants Susie to meet his mother for real*

W: Awwww

 

*Paul makes a speech saying he’s resigning as the boss and moving to New York, Pete is his replacement. Pete asks what to do, Paul says to ask Maggie*

W: Ha.

 

*Emilio and Fran, Maggie and Pete, Emilio and Susie all drive up to the same crossing guard in different cars. He lets them leave one at a time. End credits*

A: What?

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 5. Nothing special but it didn’t suck either. It could have have been a little bit more if it was a two way love affair rather than three.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I’ll go with 6 out of 10. It wasn’t a bad movie but it wasn’t really that great either. They tried to cram a three way love pairing into just under 2 hours and that’s very difficult to create depth with limited time. The story itself was very easy to follow and the acting was pretty good.

Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: That wasn’t as epic as Bye Bye Birdie or Viva Las Vegas but also expecting it to me would be a mistake. Its basically a chick flick and for what it is, its good. Plenty of eye candy in the movie and at least the love plots aren’t complicated. Some of the 1960’s filming techniques will make you laugh as will a lot of the dialogue. I recommend taking a look at it but only if you’re into romcoms like that. Well that about wraps up another goodtastic adventure, have a pleasant evening!

305. Saw 2 (2005)

*When we last left off, The Warlock and Mr. America were kidnapped and taken hostage by an unknown enemy. When they awoke, they were both handcuffed to thermostats*

America: Great, just great. Why the hell are we here?

Warlock: Somebody wants something?

America: Yeah, they want to kill us, that’s what.

*America struggles to break free*

Warlock: Relax, if someone wanted to kill us they would have done so already. Stop struggling.

A: WHAT DO YOU WANT? HUH?

Wa: Calm down, I’m sure it’ll be explained.

*America looks around and there’s a tape recorder in the middle of the floor, he kicks at it and brings it over to him. He presses play and a distorted voice comes on*

“Hello Warlock, hello Mr. America. Want to play a game? For years you two have been tearing apart movies, ignoring the efforts that were put into them for your own benefit. You clearly have no respect for life and now you’re going to have to earn your right to live. As you can see, you are chained to your graves. If you do not escape by the time the movie is over, you will be trapped here forever. What are you willing to do to live?”

*America presses stop when the voice goes silent*

America: Let me guess, we’re supposed to saw through our arms to get out of here?

Warlock: It would appear that way, but what did they mean by “end of the movie?”

America: Maybe he means that.

*The lights dim as a movie projector behind a mirror projects Saw 2 against the wall*

W: Looks like Saw 2 to me.

A: Don’t you think we should be getting out of here instead of watching a movie?

W: Don’t worry about it, let’s just watch Saw 2.

 

 

Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman

Written by Leigh Whannell and Darren Lynn Bousman

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A detective and his team must rescue eight people trapped in a factory by the twisted serial killer known as Jigsaw.”

America: Good for him.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: No James Wan this time.

 

*Some guy is trapped in a chair with an Iron Maiden strapped to his face. There’s blood all over his right eye. Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) says hello to Michael (Noam Jenkins) and reveals he’s a rat and a snitch. Jigsaw says he’s unworthy for life. Jigsaw says he has to find the key to his mask or he’ll die. The key is behind his right eye. He triggers the alarm, picks up a scalpel and wastes too much time. He throws the scalpel down, screams for help and the timer ends…..mask closes, he’s dead*

Warlock: Like a reverse Amanda.

 

*Detective Eric Matthews (Donnie Wahlberg) bails out his son Daniel (Erik Knudsen). The security officer (Ho Chow) lets him in. Eric yells at Daniel who wants to go back to his mom’s. He calls Daniel the next day to apologize but gets no answer. He then gets a call from the Sarge thinking its Daniel*

America: Not quite.

 

*Detective Kerry (Dina Meyer) tells him they found his informant dead. A victim of the jigsaw killer. Eric finds the Jigsaw mark and Kerry says he needed to see it for himself. Eric asks why they want him, and Kerry says it was HIS informant. Its written on the ceiling “Look closer Detective Matthews.” They watch the Michael footage as they yell at each other. Eric’s going through a divorce, his son is a budding criminal and now this shit*

America: He’s having quite a week.

 

*Kerry asks Eric for help but he blows her off. Eric figures out its from Wilson Street. Eric reports to his SWAT team to surround the area. Pete (Kelly Jones), Joe (Vincent Rother), Kerry, Eric and Daniel Rigg (Lyriq Bent) storm the place. The first team runs into the Saw puppet as two guys are electrocuted and another is caught in a trap. They walk right past him and find Jigsaw aka John Kramer at his desk. Rigg says on his knees and John says he can’t. Rigg reads him his rights as Eric walks in*

Warlock: Okay the movie’s over!

 

*John says Eric has a problem in the other room. Rigg, Kerry and Eric go to investigate. Eric’s son is being held captive on a monitor.  Eric is held back by Rigg and asks where Eric is. John says Daniel is in a safe place. Eric calls Daniel’s phone and John’s voice answers a pre-recorded message. We then watch the monitor which turns into a scene. Daniel is held captive with a host of others. Jonas (Glenn Plummer), Xavier (Franky G), two girls and a guy in a tie reveal they’ve been kidnapped. Daniel says the cameras have no sound. Xavier says they need to do something about it. Suddenly Amanda (Shawnee Smith) wakes up and pukes. Jonas calms her down. Amanda freaks out*

Warlock: Trapped a second time.

 

*Amanda searches as Obi (Timothy Burd) stalks around. Amanda finds a tape recorder and plays it. John’s voice says greetings and welcome.  John says salvation is those who earn it. The doors will open in 3 hours but they’ll be dead of poisoning in 2. They need to find the antidote. One is inside the safe and the combination is in the back of their minds. They all have one thing in common and the clue is somewhere over the rainbow.  They find a key with a note attached not to use it on the door out. Xavier says fuck it and to use it. The guy in the tie is Gus (Tony Nappo) and he goes to unlock the door and is shot in the eye by a trap outside, he’s dead. Amanda reveals she knows Jigsaw is behind it*

Warlock: Good set up huh.

 

*John tells Eric he just wants his time. John tells Eric if he wants to see Daniel again to tell everyone to clear the room. Eric threatens to rip his head off if he doesn’t see Daniel. John  “I don’t intend to mock you officer but I’m a cancer patient. How could you possibly put me in any more pain than I already am in?”

Warlock: Love that line.

America: He’s right too.

 

*Rigg wants to browbeat John and Kerry says no. Rigg says she needs to understand what Eric is going through. Kerry reveals she used to date Eric. Rigg says this is bullshit. The timer reads 90 minutes left. Meanwhile the 7 remaining prisoners look around for clues*

Warlock: They need the Scooby Doo gang.

 

*A door opens and Xavier, Jonas, Daniel, Amanda, Obi and the two girls walk through. Xavier says he’s going to find an antidote and getting out of there. Jonas says they need to come up with a gameplan. Xavier blows him off and keeps going. Xavier unlocks a door that says Exit on it, the key doesn’t work. Jonas takes it. The brunette girl is Addison (Emmanuelle Vaugier) the blonde girl is Laura (Beverley Mitchell). Eric has the room cleared of his crew and talks with John one on one. John wants to play a game, all they have to do is sit and talk, if they do it long enough they’ll find his son. John introduces himself by his Christian name, he says the press called him Jigsaw. The symbol was symbolism that the victims were symbolized as missing something in their lives. Eric doesn’t want to sit there and talk. Eric says he can’t follow the manual when John has his son. John knows Eric’s past that he used to be a fearless cop, but not anymore*

Warlock: Good development.

 

*John asks Eric for water*

Warlock: If only Marky Mark can save the day.

America: Oy.

 

*Xavier cuts through the door with a bat with nails in it, but its steel outside. Xavier insults Addison and they yell at each other. Amanda turns on the lights as everyone starts coughing. Jonas figures out 3 of them have done time as Laura finds a door that leads downstairs. Xavier walks downstairs with the nail bat and a flashlight. He finds a dummy that has a note that says Obi on the chest. Xavier plays the tape and its reveal that Obi was the one who brought them all there. There’s two antidotes, one for him and one for the rest. They are in the boiler*

Warlock: He’s the Zep of this movie.

 

*Laura remembers being kidnapped by Obi. Obi tells Xavier he didn’t have a choice. Xavier grabs a knife and Laura smashes a bottle. Addison says they need the antidotes. Daniel asks who gets them. Laura collapses. Xavier makes Obi go in there and get them. Obi cuts himself with the knife to ward off Xavier as Daniel knocks over a gas tank. Obi climbs in and finds the syringes. He says “Aha, one for me….you guys can fight over this one”. He pulls the second syringe which triggers the boiler. Xavier can’t get the door open. A sign points to the off switch but its too far gone, Obi burns alive*

Warlock: And with him went the two syringes.

 

*Laura cries and says stop it. Xavier busts open the window but its too late. Obi dies. Xavier goes berserk as Jonas says the needles are melted. Meanwhile Rigg is pissed watching on the monitor and they need to move now. Kerry says to hold tight. John goes on a monologue and Eric gets increasingly agitated.  John asks Eric what the cure for cancer is. Eric doesn’t know but calls John a murderer. John says he’s never murdered anyone in his entire life. He says Daniel’s impending death is making Eric act. He asks why Eric only reacts now. John gives a flashback to him being told he’s dying and it shattered his world. He knows he’s on borrowed time and the fact everyone else doesn’t savor anything prevents them from seeing the value of life. John says the cancer didn’t start his work, his failed suicide attempt is what made him start all this*

Warlock: That’s deep.

 

*Eric asks John where his son is. John says Daniel appreciates his life but Eric doesn’t. John tells Eric not to forget the rules. The timer now reads 54 minutes. Back on the monitor Daniel consoles Laura*

Warlock: Have you noticed Daniel seems to be the only one unaffected?

America: Yup.

 

*Amanda finds rope underneath the couch and Daniel asks why did John pick her and she answers that she was a junkie that passed his test. He asks why she’s back and she reveals she cut herself after the ordeal. Daniel asks what she did time in jail for and Amanda answers ask the cop who arrested her. Daniel almost reveals Eric is a cop but just says he’s a hard ass that would kick his ass right now. Jonas then says they found a door. Xavier figures out the door is trip wired. They have 3 minutes to get something done. A tape for Xavier plays. Xavier is a drug dealer and he’s to jump into a pit of syringes to find the key to unlock the door. Xavier refuses to jump in there. Xavier grabs Amanda and throws her in*

Warlock: That wasn’t according to plan.

America: Nope.

 

*Daniel asks Xavier “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Warlock: A lot.

 

*Amanda finds the key and hands it to Xavier but the timer goes off and its too late, the door closes. Daniel pulls her out and starts taking syringes out of her. Xavier goes to attack her but Jonas restrains him. Addison says Jigsaw knows everything about them. Laura says they’ve all been to jail except Daniel. Xavier says they’re all holding hm back and he’s gone*

Warlock: Wasn’t there an antidote attached to the key?

America: Yeah.

 

*Rigg wants to attack now but Kerry says no, Eric needs to stay. The timer reads 30 minutes left as Kerry notices John’s work. Kerry says threaten to destroy his work and end his legacy to get him to talk. Eric starts destroying evidence and John taunts him for destroying evidence. John says Eric gunned down an unarmed suspect and planted evidence to convict someone. The tech team (John Fallon) gets there. John says look in the brown desk. Kerry finds the mugshots of all the prisoners and Eric was the arresting officer who framed all of them. John says it would be a shame if they found out Daniel was his son.  Xavier on the monitor staggers to the safe where the antidote is. He drags the jacket off Gus’ head and then realizes the combination is numbers on the back of everyone’s head. Jonas comes in a pukes out blood*

America: He’s not doing too good.

 

*Jonas says the others are scared of Xavier and he says good. Jonas says they need to figure out who’s behind it. Xavier says he’s found what he’s looking for. Jonas says he’s always looking for enemies. Jonas says bad guys are after him and his family and asks if Xavier if he understands. Xavier says he doesn’t, pulls a knife and tells Jonas to turn around*

Warlock: That was an easy heel turn.

 

*Xavier attacks Jonas and beats the crap out of him before he succumbs to the poison. Xavier takes the nail bat and kills Jonas with it. Xavier looks on Jonas’ neck and it says 16 in white*

Warlock: Down to 5.

 

*Laura collapses and Addison says they have to hold out for one more hour. Amanda says they don’t have that long. Laura finds an X on a cracked painting. Behind it is a picture of Eric and Daniel. Addison says he was the one that set him up. Laura then has a seizure as Amanda says its okay*

America: Its definitely not okay.

 

*Laura dies in Amanda’s arms as Addison and Daniel stare each other down. Addison says she can’t trust anyone. She says Daniel and Amanda are on their own. Amanda says she knows what they all have in common. Xavier shouts for Amanda and Amanda walks off, leaving Daniel alone.

 

*Xavier finds Obi’s number is 11 in green. Xavier rolls over Laura and it says 8 on it. He then finds the picture of Daniel and Eric and gets pissed*

Warlock: Uh oh.

 

*Xavier corners Amanda and Daniel and tells them not to run. They run anyway as Xavier staggers behind them. Eric watches and flashes back to happier times. He puts a gun in his back pocket as Rigg looks on. Kerry runs after Eric but Rigg stops her. Eric then flips out on John and throws him around. Kerry shouts to stop but Eric beats the crap out of him*

Warlock: This is shaping up to be a good ending.

 

*Eric breaks one of John’s fingers and continues the assault as John taunts him. Back on the monitor Addison enters a room where a note is left for her. She throws the tape down and reaches into the box, only she breaks the syringe and her wrists are slashed trying to get her hands out. Xavier staggers in, reads the number 9 off her neck and walks away.  Addison screams for a while as Amanda sinks to the floor. Back in real time Eric shuts the walkie talkie off and points the gun in John’s mouth. He says “Game over, I’ll take you to the house.” He says only Eric can come, no one else. John tells Eric to press a button on the wall. Eric presses it and Kerry watches Eric and John go down an elevator. Rigg runs after them as the van drives off. Kerry stays behind as Techie figures out where the house is. Rigg is given the address as Eric drives John there*

Warlock: Talk about a pulse pounding finish.

 

*Kerry calls Eric but he won’t answer. Meanwhile Xavier still staggers around as Amanda and Daniel try to barricade the door. Amanda pulls the nail bat out of Jonas and uses it to keep the door shut.  Amanda finds a door underneath the safe and Daniel helps her push it aside. The door is locked but Daniel figures out that was what the key was for. Jonas had it. Daniel searches Jonas and finds the key. Amanda opens the door as Eric and John pull up. John gives Eric a key and Eric takes it before leaving John in the van. Xavier finally breaks in the room as Amanda and Daniel make it down to the basement. Amanda grabs Daniel and tells them to run. We get a back and forth of Eric looking for Daniel and them trying to outrun Xavier. Rigg breaks into the house and looks for Daniel. Kerry looks on the monitor and says they can’t see them.  Amanda and Daniel make it to the room from the first movie. They find the corpses of Zep and Adam*

Warlock: You see that, Adam’s dead.

 

*The signature music plays as Xavier walks into the room as Amanda says Daniel is gone. Xavier says he want their numbers. Amanda says he doesn’t even know his own number. Xavier literally cuts the back of his neck off to get his number.He turns to Amanda and Daniel springs to life, kicking his shin. Amanda grabs the knife and cuts Xavier’s throat, killing him*

Warlock: That takes care of handsome Harold.

 

*Eric still looks for Daniel as Kerry looks in the monitor and there’s nothing there. Rigg pulls back a sheet and there’s a second set of monitors along with feed. Rigg figures out what they were watching was a tape. They’re in the wrong house and all the prisoners were killed long before they saw it*

Warlock: That’s the biggest Ella Fitzgerald…ever.

 

*Eric finds the room from the first movie which has the corpses of Zep, Adam and now Xavier. Eric looks in the bathtub and pig mask stabs him with a syringe*

America: Surprise!

 

*The timer goes off in the warehouse where Kerry is and a safe opens. Daniel is inside alive*

Warlock: Brilliant! John played Eric like a fiddle. All Eric had to do was stand there and not attack John, Daniel would have been found alive.

 

*Eric wakes up with a tape recorder next to him. He plays it as the signature music starts up. Its Amanda’s voice. She reveals that SHE was the mastermind behind all of this, and this was revenge for locking her up. She turned to John for help and became her student. Eric is chained as we get footage of Amanda bringing Daniel to John.  Amanda is the one who will carry on John’s work after he dies. Amanda says “Game over” and slams the door on him. John is still passed out in the van as Eric screams. End credits*

Warlock: Pretty god damned fucking good.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 6.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I thought it was almost as good as the first. I give it a 9. For some reason Donnie Wahlberg just didn’t do it for me in terms of emotion. That’s my opinion though. Plus some of the characters, especially Laura, Gus and Addison had absolutely no depth at all so it was hard to care about them. Still it was a fantastic movie and I highly recommend it.

Final Grade: 7.5 out of 10 – Brilliant

 

*Warlock stands up*

W: I loved that movie and that ending. That’s two movies in a row I never saw that coming from this series and I loved both of them. Even though some of the characters weren’t fleshed out, it was a hell of a story with a pulse pounding finish. That was an excellent watch and I highly recommend taking a look at this one, it was just as good as the first.

A: Wonderful, but now we’re dead.

W: No we’re not. Just need to find the key to the cuffs.

A: Its right behind you, but its not gonna do us any good all the way up there.

W: Wait what?

*Warlock looks behind him and high above the wall are a set of keys*

W: You knew they were there the whole fucking time?

A: Yeah, I was gonna tell you but the movie started.

W: Oh for the love of Pete, alright let’s get out of here.

*Warlock holds up his hand and the keys fly off the wall into his hand*

A: Wait what??

*Warlock uncuffs himself, walks over and uncuffs America*

A: You had that kind of power the whole time and didn’t tell me?

W: You didn’t tell me about the keys, we could have been out of here instantly.

A: Oh whatever.

*Warlock and America head for the exit which was locked after the movie was over. Warlock finds the key and unlocks the door. America exits first and Warlock turns to the monitor*

W: Game over!

*Door slams*

304. Saw (2004)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a coffee mug of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots a lightning bolt and walks inside*

W: Today we’re going to take a look at one of the best horror movie series of our generation. The one and only Saw.

*Mr. America is in the recliner with his arms folded*

A: Yeah, the first one was okay….the sequels not so much.

W: We’ll get to those in due time but today we’re gonna watch the first one. Got a problem with that?

A: Absolutely…not. Let’s get this started.

W: Okay, sounds good to me. Let’s start the party with the original Saw.

 

Directed by James Wan

Written by Leigh Whannell and James Wan

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Two strangers awaken in a room with no recollection of how they got there or why, and soon discover they are pawns in a deadly game perpetrated by a notorious serial killer”

America: If they only knew.

 

*Movie begins with Adam Faulkner-Stanheight (Leigh Whannell) waking up in a bathtub*

Warlock: This guy wrote the movie.

 

*He falls out of the tub gagging and notices his foot is chained to a radiator. He asks if someone is there*

America: No…well maybe.

 

*Dr. Lawrence Gordon (Carly Elwes) is also chained up, he tells Adam to calm down and he turns on the light*

Warlock: Good work Dread Pirate Roberts.

 

*When the light is turned on, the duo sees a corpse on the ground with its head blown off, a gun its hand and a tape recorder in its hand. Adam “What the fuck is THIS?”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Adam tries to pry the chain off his ankle but can’t, Lawrence asks if he remembers anything. Adam “I went to bed in my shit-hole apartment and woke up in an actual shit hole.” Lawrence says he was coming home from work and woke up there. Adam freaks out and thinks his kidney is gone. Lawrence says his kidney are still there, he’s a surgeon that knows better. Adam finally mentions his name*

Warlock: Hi Adam.

 

*Lawrence the clock in the room is new. Whoever has them locked up wants them to be aware. Adam reaches into his pocket and pulls out a plastic bag that says “play me” on it including a tape. Lawrence has one as well along with a bullet and a key. The key doesn’t work on their locks*

Warlock: That would have been the shittiest movie if that worked.

America: Hardly! They still have to find out how to get out of there, figure out where they are and defeat whoever is holding them captive. Even if they unlocked themselves they would have plenty of movie left to work with.

 

*Adam can’t reach the tape recorder using his shirt so he uses the bathtub drain chain to pull it over. Adam plays the tape, Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) runs down his whole life and asks if he’s going to die today or not. Adam is revealed to be a voyeur. Lawrence says throw him the recorder and Adam says no, it may break, throw him the tape*

America: Why don’t you just slide it across the floor? Also, the tape isn’t indestructible either, it could break too.

 

*Jigsaw says Lawrence makes a living telling people they are going to die.  His mission is to kill Adam by 6 pm, then his wife Alison (Monica Potter) and daughter Diana (Mackenzie Vega) will die. The clock reads 10:30 AM. Lawrence hears a hidden message at the end that says “Follow your heart.”

Warlock: There’s the plot.

 

*Lawrence notices a heart on the clogged toilet and tells Adam to check in it. Adam digs through the mess and finds nothing. Lawrence says open the lid*

America: I don’t know why he didn’t go to the top first? Common sense should tell you there’s clean water in the upper part, why wouldn’t you check that first before the shit water? That’s like choosing to either use a concert porta potty or use a modern bidet, what the hell would you rather do? Oy.

 

*Adam finds a trash bag in the lid. He opens it and finds two bone saws. He goes to saw through his chain and tosses Lawrence the other one. Neither gets the job done and Adam’s saw breaks. He throws it against the mirror  and it breaks off a little. Lawrence figures out the saws were meant for their feet, not the chains. Lawrence then figures out he knows who’s behind it. We get a flashback*

Warlock: Flashback time.

 

*Detective Sing (Ken Leung), Detective Tapp (Danny Glover) and Detective Kerry (Dina Meyer) investigate the death of a 46 year old in a cage of barbed wire. He died of massive blood loss trying to make his way out. His name was Paul (Mike Butters) and a tape recorder with Jigsaw’s voice reveals he tried to commit suicide by slitting his wrist. Jigsaw says he’s going to give him a chance to stay alive. Tapp finds a jigsaw piece on his shoulder. We get a back and forth of flashback and present time with Lawrence says Jigsaw never murdered anyone, he invents ways for people to kill themselves.  Mark (Paul Gutrecht) burned himself alive*

Warlock: That burns me up.

 

*Lawrence in a flashback looks over John aka Jigsaw who’s dying of colon cancer with the orderly Zep Hindle (Michael Emerson) showing sympathy for him. Lawrence tells his nurses to ignore the orderly. Next frame is Lawrence being questioned by Tapp and Sing. Lawrence’s pen was found at Mark’s crime scene. Back at the station Lawrence admits he was having an affair during the time of the murder. His lawyer Britt (Benito Martinez) tells them to come clean. That was 5 months earlier. Sing brings Amanda (Shawnee Smith) in and wants to give her testimony to Tapp, Lawrence and Sing as to how she survived. We get another flashback of her with a device on her head as she was chained up. A puppet with Jigsaw’s voice appears on TV and says “Hello Amanda.”

Warlock: Hello.

 

*Jigsaw “I want to play a game” When the timer goes off, her mouth will be permanently ripped open. Jigsaw there’s only one key to open it and its in the stomach of her dead cellmate (Oren Koules). She triggers the device timer and we get a spinning 360 camera angle*

Warlock: Its giving me a headache.

 

*Amanda finds the body*

America: Better hurry!

 

*Amanda cuts the guy open and he’s not actually dead. Tapp says the guy was sedated with opiates so he could feel nothing*

Warlock: That’s the producer of the movie she just killed.

 

*Amanda gets the device off just in time after digging through the guy’s insides. The Saw puppet rides a tricycle towards her*

America: Its that damn puppet again.

 

*Saw’s voice says most people are so ungrateful to be alive, not her, not anymore. Amanda reveals that she was a recovering drug addict and Lawrence was helping her*

Warlock: There’s the connection.

 

*Adam in present time asks if Lawrence is sure he did it. Adam then breaks out and says Lawrence could be the killer and Lawrence says he’s in the exact same situation he’s in. Adam picks up a shard of glass and threatens to Lawrence with it*

Warlock: He can’t even reach him.

America: Yeah really.

 

*Adam figures out the mirror he broke is a two way mirror. He smashes the mirror with a rock and there’s a camera filming them. Lawrence says they need to find the X because Saw has thought up everything and anything possible they might do. We get another flashback of Diana waking up in bed*

Warlock: Ah a monster!

America: That teddy bear is not menacing.

 

*Diana watches Alison sleep*

Warlock: She doesn’t have a knife in her hand does she?

 

*Diana says there’s a man in her room who talked to her. Diana wants Lawrence to check it out. Lawrence kind of blows of her off. Diana goes to leave when Lawrence says he’ll check it out. He calms her down by playing This Little Piggy with her foot as his beeper goes off. Diana says she hates that thing*

Warlock: I do too.

 

*Diana asks if he’s going to leave them. Lawrence is stunned. He says he’d never do that and asks why she’d think of that. He says he loves her and she’ll read her favorite story tomorrow. Alison then yells at him and Diana hears it. Back in present, Lawrence tosses his wallet to Adam and Adam says Diana is beautiful.  Adam finds a polaroid of the family tied up and a message from Jigsaw saying you’ll see more with your eyes shut. Adam doesn’t tell Lawrence about the picture he just found before throwing his wallet back. Flashback Alison tells Lawrence to just leave*

Warlock: That’s gratitude for ya.

 

*Diana wakes up as the closet door opens, an eyeball is shown with a voice saying “Goodnight little girl”*

Warlock: Wouldn’t the closet be the first place you’d check?

 

*Zep comes out of the closet and ties up both Diana and Alison*

Warlock: I recognized the voice, that’s Zep.

 

*Zep holds a gun to them to listen to their heart rates rise*

Warlock: That is pretty torturous without actually hurting anyone.

 

*Tapp has Gordon’s place under surveillance and films Zep, He talks to himself and its revealed Tapp’s life has gone to shit. He says “I never should have let you go.” We get a montage of the victims and another flashback of Tapp driving Lawrence home. Lawrence apologizes for not being helpful. Tapp coldly tells him they arrested a pedophile dentist that lives two blocks from Gordon with the message being every neighborhood has their secrets. In the flashback Tapp watches the Amanda video. Sing “Maybe you should find yourself a girlfriend.”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Tapp figures out some graffiti on the wall belongs to the K2K territory. Sing says their turf was 4 blocks and they hear a train. Sing figures out the hideout is a mannequin warehouse. Tapp and Sing load up without a warrant*

Warlock: They should have had a warrant, they would have caught the guy. They could have surrounded the area and the guy wouldn’t have escaped. Its all your fault.

America: Me? What did I do?

Warlock: Nothing, that’s the point.

America: Oh shut up.

 

*Tapp and Sing find all the equipment*

Warlock: Tell me again why they didn’t get a warrant, even if they caught the guy, they couldn’t use it as evidence.

America: For once you’re right.

 

*Tapp and Sing find a model of the eventual trap Adam and Lawrence are in. They also find the Saw puppet along with a pig mask. A victim then begins moving. Its Jeff (Ned Bellamy). A guy is coming and Tapp tells him NOT to take the shot, he wants to catch him in the act. Jigsaw makes it up the elevator and goes to Jeff. Jigsaw goes to perform as Sing and Tapp go to arrest him. Jigsaw trips the trap on purpose and tells Sing the key will unlock it. Tapp takes Jigsaw down as he goes on a monologue saying how he’s dying and he’s sick of everyone else. He slashes Tapp’s throat as Sing shoots the trap open to save Jeff. Sing chases Jigsaw and shoots him down. He then walks into a shotgun trap that blows his head off. Tapp staggers down as Jigsaw gets up and makes his escape. Tapp sees Sing’s body and reaches for help*

America: That is totally on them for not calling for backup or help.

 

*Tapp in present time is insane and tells a picture of Sing they’re going to close the case. Meanwhile Zep watches on the monitor as Lawrence has 4 hours left. Adam tells Lawrence to turn off the lights.  Larence does and there’s an x in the wall behind Lawrence. Adam says it must be glow in the dark paint. Lawrence breaks open the wall and finds a treasure box*

Warlock: Captain Jack Sparrow left that.

America: Righttttttt

 

*Adam figures out the key from earlier is for it. Lawrence uses it to open the box. Inside is a cell phone. They celebrate and Lawrence finds a cigarette. Adam rejoices and wants the cigarette. Lawrence finds a note saying the cigarette is poisonous and he doesn’t need a gun to kill Adam. Lawrence tries the cell but it doesn’t work. He reveals its meant to receive calls, not make them. Lawrence has a flashback of the night before of walking to his car. He says someone was following him*

Warlock: Was somebody following him?

America: Probably.

 

*Lawrence tries calling for help inside the garage but it doesn’t work. Somebody dressed in the cape and pig mask, crawls out of his car. sneaks up on Lawrence and abducts him. Lawrence in present time says it was waiting for him. Lawrence asked why Adam knew to turn off the lights. Adam says instinct. Lawrence says he’s a terrible liar. Adam passive aggressively attacks him before revealing he knows about the family tied up, tossing Lawrence the polaroid. Lawrence is distraught and Adam says it was in his wallet. Adam didn’t want to show him earlier because he didn’t want to scare him*

Warlock: Would it have made a difference?

America: Yeah.

 

*Lawrence screams at the camera. He then notices the cigarette, remembers Jigsaw’s words about blood being poisonous and dips the cigarette into it. He shuts the light off and whispers to him to fool Zep. He turns the light back on and asks if Adam wants the cigarette. Adam says yes. Lawrence gets the second cigarette in there, the lighter and tosses both to Adam. Adam smokes and pretends to die*

Warlock: That’s horrible acting.

 

*Lawrence says Adam is dead and asks for his family.  Suddenly Adam gets electrocuted and springs back to life. He claims someone buzzed him. Lawrence out of desperation tries to cut through the chains and fails. Adam then remembers how he got there. We get a flashback of Adam going to his apartment and his red room to develop film. The pictures are of Lawrence. He falls asleep at his desk as the light switch won’t work*

Warlock: The electric company told him to fuck off.

America: So much for batteries.

 

*Adam uses his camera as a makeshift flashlight by snapping pictures*

America: If he expects to find the bad guy, he’s crazy. He’s not gonna be like “I’m just gonna be a statue and let him find me.”

 

*Adam finds the Jigsaw puppet and beats it with a bat. He opens the closet and the killer pops out, abducting him*

America: Told you.

 

*Lawrence in the present gets a call from Diana. Zep has them at gunpoint and is going to kill them. Alison gets on the phone and asks if Adam is there. Lawrence asks how she knows him. Alison tells him not to believe Adam’s lies and that he knew him before today.  Lawrence threatens the camera that he’ll kill him and pounds the floor. Adam asks if they’re okay. Lawrence says Alison knows Adam. Lawrence asks Adam how he knows him and who he is. Adam coldly tells him he knows what he did last night. It was Adam that snapped his picture the night before while in the parking garage. Adam reveals he’s been hired to follow him for days now. He works as a voyeur snapping rich guys pictures who sleep around. Back in a flashback Carla (Alexandra Bokyun Chun) goes to take her shirt off and Lawrence stops her. He says they have to stop seeing each other. The phone rings and she answers it. Its for Lawrence*

Warlock: Room service DENIED.

 

*A voice says “I know what you’re doing, doctor.” Lawrence hangs up and leaves. THEN he gets his picture taken by Adam. In the present, Adam reveals a man named Bob pays him 200 dollars a night to follow Lawrence. Adam reveals it was Tapp that was paying Adam. Lawrence says Tapp was discharged from the police force. Lawrence calls Adam and Tapp scum and Adam calmly asks him why he cares. Lawrence breaks down mentally as Alison tells Diana to stay strong. Adam finds more pictures*

Warlock: A clue!

 

*Adam asks Lawrence if he knows the guy in the pictures. Its Zep, the orderly. Lawrence says he’s going to take pleasure in seeing Zep pay for this. Adam points to the clock, its 6 PM and they’re out of time. Zep kills the monitor as Diane and Alison break free.  He loads a gun and says time is up. Alison calls Lawrence and tells him he failed, stabs Zep in the leg then wrestles with Zep. She grabs the gun and tells Zep to toss him the phone. She asks Lawrence where he is and he says he’s being held captive. Diana cries out as they wrestle with the gun, firing shots which alerts Tapp*

Warlock: Here he comes to wreck the dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

*Lawrence continuously shouts for Alison as Tapp barges in. Tapp and Zep shoot it out as Lawrence cries. Tapp tackles Zep*

Warlock: Sacked at the 5 yard line.

 

*Zep knocks Tapp down and reloads his gun. Alison and Diana have gotten away. Suddenly Lawrence is electrocuted like Adam was earlier. Tapp chases Zep to their location. Adam wakes up Lawrence and Lawrence says “Fuck this shit!”. Zep makes it to the sewage building as Tapp follows. The cell rings but Lawrence can’t reach it. Adam tells Lawrence to calm down but he freaks completely out*

America: Once again he could have called fro help.

 

*Lawrence wraps his ankle as a tourniquet as Adam tells him not to do it. Lawrence does indeed cut his own foot off as Adam screams bloody murder. Tapp tackles Zepp and beats him around. Zep does manage to grab the gun and shoot Tapp dead with it. Lawrence crawls to the corpse, loads the bullet into the gun and aims it at Adam. Lawrence says Adam has to die and shoots him in the chest. Adam drops*

Warlock: So much for him.

 

*Alison is with her father (Avner Garbi) who keeps tying to call Adam. Zep barges into the murder room as Lawrence threatens him. Zep says its too late and goes to kill Lawrence. Adam springs to life and wrestles Zep to the ground. He then kills Zep by smashing his head in with the toilet lid. Lawrence says he only hit him in the shoulder, he’s going to get help. Adam cries not to leave him as Lawrence crawls away. He promises to bring someone back*

Warlock: Andre the Giant.

America: He’s dead, that wouldn’t work.

 

*Adam searches Zep for a key and finds his wallet. Nothing is in there. He finds a tape recorder and plays it as the signature music plays. Jigsaw’s voice reveals that Zep was used as a pawn for Jigsaw. He had to murder the Gordon’s because there was poison in his system. Suddenly the corpse that was in the room the whole time stands up*

Warlock: Didn’t that one coming did you, motherfucker?

 

*The corpse rips the mask off his face revealing him to be Jigsaw. He tells Adam to key to his chain is in the bathtub….only it fell down the drain early. We get a montage of how Jigsaw came to be. He zaps Adam from shooting him and goes to leave. He shuts the lights off and says “Game over”, slamming the door shut on Adam. End credits*

Warlock: Now THAT, was perfect.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 6

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 10 out of 10. One of the best god damned movies I’ve ever seen. It had an all-star cast, great story and a huge plot twist at the end that caught everyone off guard. Its one of my favorites because of that. The characters had amazing depth that made you emotionally invested.

Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Outstanding.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: Now THAT was a horror movie. It was perfect from beginning to end with a really good story, relatable characters that were actually fleshed out and tremendous acting all around. The special effects were amazing and we weren’t bludgeoned to death with excessive gore. The gore was used sporadically which made it more effective. We didn’t actually see Lawrence saw his foot off but his face turning completely white more or less sold that he did it. Little things like that is what made the movie very special and one of my favorites of all time. Well that about wraps up…..

*Suddenly the lights go out*

A: Awww come on, I hate when you do that.

W: Actually it wasn’t me.

*All of a sudden muffled sounds are heard and America goes quiet*

W: What are you falling over the chair looking for a flashlight?

*No answer*

W: America? You there?

*Warlock makes flame appear in his hand and looks around. He spots America sprawled out on the ground*

W: What the hell….wait, I smell ether.

*All of a sudden a figure in a pig mask knocks Warlock out with a rag with ether on it. Later on Warlock and America wake up in a bathroom handcuffed by their hands to thermostats*

Warlock: Oh…..damn.

 

*TO BE CONTINUED*

303. Hell Comes To Frogtown (1988)

*When we last left off, The Warlock went to San Diego, California to meet the survivor of The Tin Rooster Project and endured The Star Wars Holiday Special as a result. We pick up in The Warlock’s Lair where he’s sitting on the couch wearing a black wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. Mr. America is in the recliner wearing green cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

W: I’m telling you, the movie was so bad I almost smashed a bottle of rum over my head.

A: That’s how I felt after you put me through that god awful Rooster thing?

W: Oh come on, that was only 12 minutes long. I had to watch a 90 minute train wreck.

A: Sure felt like 90 minutes.

*The doorbell rings*

W: Who the hell could that be?

*Warlock opens the door and there’s a package outside from East Nassau, New York*

W: Sam…..

*Warlock brings the package inside*

A: Who was that?

W: Our next movie.

A: I said who, not what!

W: Doesn’t matter.

*Warlock opens the package, its Hell Comes To Frogtown*

W: Oh my good fucking god.

A: What, what is it?

W: Hell Comes To Frogtown.

A: No way….NO WAY.

*Warlock tosses him the dvd case*

A: No….it can’t be.

W: This movie was so bad it not only ended Roddy Piper’s big time movie career but Sandahl Bergman’s as well.

A: Every wrestling community I’ve ever been apart of made fun of this movie.

W: I always avoided it because I knew how bad it was. I guess we can’t escape it now.

*America puts the movie in as Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: I guess its time for Hell Comes To Frogtown.

 

Written by Donald G Jackson and Randall Frakes

Directed by Donald G Jackson and RJ Kizer

 

Cast:

Squidlips (Julius LeFlore)

The Poor Dufus (RCP)

Sam Hell (Roddy Piper)

Captain Devin/Count Sodom (William Smith)

Spangle (Sandahl Bergman)

Patton (Eyde Byrde)

Briefing Officer (Lee Garlington)

Centinella (Cec Verrell)

Runaway Girl (Suzanne Solari)

Arabella (Kristi Somers)

Looney Tunes (Rory Calhoun)

Leroy (Cliff Bemis)

Bull (Nicholas Worth)

Commander Toty (Brian Frank)

Crosse (Danelle Hand)

Unfortunate Frog Guard (James Casey)

Medtech Personnel (Stephanie Bolton, Joni Crider, Debbie Federico, Deborah Hale, Georgina Shore)

Border Guards (Jeff Dolan, Vern Urich)

Frog Bartender (Rick Bross)

Lil Mutant (Annie McKinon)

The Passives (Ellen Crocker, Kim Hewson, Ilana Ishaki, Janie Thorson)

Frog Guards (Joe Ripley, Kevin Hooper, Johnie Saiko, Stephen Bougandoura, Terry Ray, Brad Baker, Vern Cullison, Demetrius Edwards, Tim Fox, David Hayes, Keith Holt, David Monroe, Dan Sherwood, John Bennett, Sholalyn Bundy, Dan Coplan, Jeff Hutchinson, Jay Noiman, John Nuter, Ray Shaffer, Gary Thomson)

Narrator (Lara Cody)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “Trapped in a nuclear wasteland surrounded by mutants, Sam Hell has a mission to fertilize as many women as possible. Its a tough job but somebody’s got to do it.”

A: Oh yeah…toughhhh job, get with women, yeah real tough.

 

*New World Pictures*

W: New World Order Pictures.

A: That actually would have been cool.

 

*Narrator says the world was destroyed in a nuclear war that lasted ten days*

W: They didn’t waste any time did they?

A: Makes sense because if Russia sent their arsenal at us in Cuba we wouldn’t have sent one nuke in retaliation. Mutually assured destruction.

 

*Some idiot picks up a statue of liberty toy. Squidlips is his name. The Poor Dufus punches him down. Dufus throws the statue and Squidlips pulls a gun. Dufus says you’re not allowed to have guns. Squidlips shoots him dead*

W: Haha fuck you.

A: That’s what you get for turning your back on him.

 

*Credits*

W: I’ve never heard of any of these people besides Piper.

A: I think one of them is in Conan.

W: I tried to put that out of my memory.

 

*Sam Hell has been captured*

W: Alright the movie’s over, he’s in jail.

A: Yeah, the end. Almost every other movie when they run with “the con that does the act of redemption routine”, they tell you what they did to get in trouble. Not this movie, they just said fuck it.

 

*Captain Devin is told by Nurse Patton that Hell is needed because he’s carrying a loaded weapon. Nurse Spangle attends to Hell. Nurse says Devin is reassigned to the border.

A: That’s the equivalent of every other movie saying you’ve been reassigned to Siberia.

 

*A banner reads “No Condoms. The future is in your hands.”

A: That’s pretty entertaining.

W: Hahahahahaha

 

*Patton says Hell has the highest sperm count in recorded history. She’s offering all charges to be dropped if he can rescue women and impregnate them*

W: How is this NOT a porno?

A: Like Escape From New York starring Ron Jeremy.

 

*Hell says he’s always been a patriot*

W: I salute that.

 

*Hell signs release and contract forms. Spangle checks out the booby trapped crotch rocket that says “Property of Government”. Hell wants the thing taken off but Patton says its for his own protection and he can’t take it off or it’ll blow*

W: So if he tries to remove it, it blows his nuts to smithereens?

A: Pretty much.

 

*Briefing Officer says Frogtown stole weapons and killed people*

W: Hell is off to Frogtown.

 

*A rendition of The Saints Go Marching In plays as Hell is led by Spangle to a bright pink Medtech van with Centinella as the machine gunner*

W: As bad as this is going to be, at least I can understand the plot.

 

*Hell is disgusted and Spangle tries to make conversation. He says he used to be serious until everything blew up*

W: So if Y2K was a nuclear disaster good to know Roddy Piper would have survived.

A: You…..what’s your idea of Y2K?

W: I know what Y2K really was but imagine if the computers really did shut down on January 1st, 2000 and nukes got accidentally set of.

A: Then they would have called it a nuclear war, not Y2K you idiot.

W: Oh shut up.

A: You’re a piece of work.

 

*Border Patrol guards are asleep wearing uniforms that say “Toad Stomper”

W: Hahahaha

 

*Captain Devin is the head of the Border Patrol and Hell scoffs. He won’t let them pass and Centiella turns the gun on Devin and says he’ll die first*

W: She’s hot.

 

*Hell goes off on Spangle and she says Commander Toty has taken fertile women hostage and Centinella says they’re for his harem. Hell says that’s disgusting. Spangle says “We’re gonna do something about it. We’re gonna get em out an you’re gonna get em pregnant.” Hell looks horrified*

W and A: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

*Centinella pumps gas out of a jerry can*

W: You take Spangle, i’ll take her.

A: I get the blonde? Okay.

 

*Hell says he’ll just be over there*

A: I love his “I’m up to no good” face

 

*Hell runs for it with cartoon music*

A: Roadrunner cartoon music.

 

*Hell’s crotch bomb triggers and he falls down screaming. Spangle says she’s got a proximity detector in her earring and a tracking device codec so she can find where he is and trigger the c4 at any time*

W: He’s going NOWHERE.

 

*Hell is disgusted when Centinella and Spangle check him out*

W: He’s got two girls checking him out and he’s mad about it?

 

*Spangle tries to seduce Hell and at first he refuses. Then he pounces on her and she triggers the bomb causing him to contort his face and grab his crotch*

A and W: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

 

*Spangle says it was her job to keep him stimulated*

W: She gave him blue balls.

A: Almost blew off his balls.

 

*Centinella laughs at Hell and he rolls over “I hate the army.”

W: Now I can see why he’s mad.

 

*Centinella kisses Hell awake and strips naked*

W: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*Centinella says she’s infertile*

W: Then why is she doing this?

 

*Centinella opens his dick flap and Hell goes crosseyed*

W: Hahahahahaha

A: That’s his “I’m about to get laid” face.

 

*Spangle shows up and goes to trigger the bomb, Hell “Holy shit!” and he rolls over. Spangle says Centinella is out of uniform*

W: So are you.

 

*Hell gives the stink eye to Spangle*

A: That’s the “I don’t like you” face.

 

*Hell says he doesn’t want to fight the Frogs. Spangle says its in his contract. He throws the contract out the window. Centinella stops and throws him out. He spits at them as they drive off. His bomb triggers and he has to run to chase the van*

W: HAhahahahaha

 

*Hell staggers toward the campfire the women built and collapses. A motion tracker goes off and Centinella says its not Hell, they need to check it out.*

W: That’s the “I don’t know what’s going on” face.

 

*They find a runaway girl and nearly run her over*

W: Alright don’t kill the girl.

 

*Spangle runs a test and the girl is fertile. Hell slaps Spangle’s arm and says she’s scaring her. She tells “prince charming” to try. Hell tries to make the girl eat and she spits it in his face. Hell laughs and says “She don’t like your cooking either” Spangle injects her with something and says she’s no good to them traumatized, just get ready for work*

W: Wait, what?

A: What do you think they’re going to have him do.

 

*Runaway girl moans and squirms*

W: Did they inject her with Spanish fly?

 

*Spangle says they injected her with an ovulation stimulation*

W: I was right.

 

*Hell says he’s not in the mood. Spangle says he has to do his job and says she’s trained in seduction techniques. She the does a robotic striptease. Hell at first protests then gets into it*

A: I love how he goes from no to “Okay fine, give me your best shot.”

 

*Hell tells Spangle to get dressed and take her glasses off. He then gets on top of the girl and stares at Spangle*

W: Ah, the ol “think of someone else while fucking” only the someone else is right there in front of him.

 

*Next morning Spangle wakes up to Hell and the girl cuddling. Centinella says she’s going to bed. Later on Runaway Girl gives intel that the women captured are Passives and Toty needs them. Spangle says to run for the border and mothers are treated as queens*

W: One down, how many to go?

A: How many else he’s rescuing.

 

*Saints Go Marching In theme again*

W: I’m never looking at this song the same again.

 

*Spangle gets dressed as a sex slave compete with handcuffs and a collar to pose as his prisoner so they can infiltrate Frogtown. Hell pulls her close and he gets excited saying now she’s gonna know what its like being treated as a puppet. Spangle reiterates that if he doesn’t cooperate with her, his junk blows. He repeatedly swings her around by the chain collar*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Hell lets Spangle’s hair down and throws away her glasses. Hell says she looks good but she stones him and says “Shall we?”*

W: Hahahaha he can’t catch a break.

 

*Wooden sign saying Welcome To Frogtown*

W: No neon signs, no I Can’t Drive 55, come on.

A: This isn’t Back To The Future 2 dumbass.

 

*Hell and Spangle hit up a bar with a neon sign*

A: There’s your sign.

W: Now I’m happy.

 

*Some mutant frog strips to a variation of White Room by Cream*

W: I swear to god that’s a cover of White Room.

 

*Hell orders a drink and spits it out*

W: I call this face “What the hell did I just taste?”

 

*Hell recognizes Looney Tunes and they embrace. They’re old friends. Looney wants to know what he’s doing there, Hell says trading. Looney is looking for uranium*

W: He looks like Bill Lee.

 

*Looney says he can hook up a deal with Leroy and the frog stripper is Spangle’s contact*

W: That thing?

 

*Looney eats grinded up reptiles and Hell tries not to vomit. Leroy laughs and says drink a chaser. Hell drinks it and its real beer. Leroy says its radioactive*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Leroy gives the story of how the mutant frogs were created and how they were herded to Frogtown. Hell and Leroy talks turkey as Hell takes pleasure in groping Spangle. Leroy wants Spangle to dance and Hell says exotic especially. A frog with an eyepatch steals Spangle and Hell steps to him*

A: “I did you big jerk!”

 

*Bull “Shut your HOLEEEEEEEE”

W: Hahahahahaa

 

*Bull tries to auction off Spangle and Hell refuses. Bull punches out Hell and leads Spangle away. He suspends Leroy in the process. Hell wakes up to Arabella, the frog stripper who’s working with Spangle. Arabella says Spangle getting captured was part of the plan. Hell needs to rescue her. Meanwhile Bull leads Spangle while making grimmacing noises*

W: What kind of noise was that?

 

*Arabella tries to rape Hell and he resists. Bull has his frog guards take Spangle to Toty*

W: What the hell is with this acting?

 

*Sam puts a bag over Arabella’s head*

W: Hahahhaa

 

*Sam’s crotch bomb is triggered. They need to get to Spangle before his nads are blown. Arabella falls into a bunch of wires and tells him to go on. It continues to beep as he runs after Spangle*

W: That’s not good for stealth, a beeping crotch bomb.

 

*Toty and Count Sodom go over a deal. Hell pushes open a gate, falls down and is captured*

W: What a klutz.

 

*Looney sneaks up on Arabella and says he’s on their side. Looney says he can’t help them*

W: We’re not gonna do anything.

 

*Spangle is taken to where The Passives are. They wave their arms around*

W: HEyyyyyy, hoooooo, heyyyyyy, hoooooo

A: Hahaha.

 

*Spangle talks to the girls*

A: I can’t imagine she did anything much after this.

W: Neither did Piper. They Live was actually good and people thought Piper had a future. One year later he did this turd and his career was never the same. Same with Sandahl Bergman. She did Red Sonja, Conan, She, Airplane 2…..then after this, kersplat.

 

*Bull has Hell tied up in water torture position. Hell asks where Spangle is and Bull says “In the Harem preparing FOR A NIGHT SHE’LL NEVER FORGET!”

W: This guy goes from 0 to 60 in one second.

 

*Bull revs a chainsaw and appears to be ready to cut Hell’s nuts off. Hell freaks out*

A: This is his “holy shit” face.

 

*Spangle wakes up as Warlock does the hand motions the Harem girls are doing*

A: I’d rather see the girls do that instead of you. I’m sorry but you do nothing for me.

W: That’s a good thing.

 

*Hell says he’s wired to blow. Bull runs out of gas in his chainsaw. Hell checks to see if he’s still intact*

W: This is his “Did I live?” face.

 

*Hell asks what now. Bull says “What do you think? To get more gas!”

W and A: Hahahaha

 

*Spangle triggers the bomb by accident while pleasuring herself. Hell screams to Bull to cut it off. Bull “I gotta tell ya, you are one weird dude.”

W and A: Hahahahaha

W: This is one weird movie.

 

*Arabella says she’s doing this to overthrow Toty. Looney says he’s doing it to save Sam*

W: Good reasons.

 

*Bull cuts the bomb off while Arabella sneaks up on a guard. Bull picks up the bomb “Wired to blow, bahahahaha” Hell “Its a fake, she tricked me!” Bull laughs but the bomb blows in his face*

W: It wasn’t fake but now he’s FREEEEEEEE.

 

*Spangle beats up the frog guard and rallies the Passives for a jailbreak*

W: Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak.

 

*The guards pounce and lead Spangle away*

W: Or not.

 

*Arabella cuts Hell down but Bull pops up and impales Arabella with a spike. Hell pounces on Bull and impales him with the same spike. Both Bull and Arabella are dead. Hell looks defiant*

W: This is my “I’m gonna win” face.

 

*Toty says to dance for him, Spangle says she’s gonna dance on his grave. Toty “Dance or die” Toty says do the dance of the 3 snakes*

W: What the hell is that?

A: I don’t have a clue.

 

*Spangle dances and remembers if she dances with passion, she’ll survive*

W: She’s gonna dance with passion in a movie like this?

 

*Spangle gets into it and Toty fondles himself*

W: That’s just wrong.

 

*A guard catches Looney spying and Looney shoots a flare off to alert Centinella. She says “Alright” and takes off*

W: Help is on the way.

 

*Toty “You have arroused the 3 snakes!” He lifts his kilt*

W: Oh god, that’s not what I think it is, is it?

A: It is.

 

*Spangle kicks all 3 snakes as the guards cock their shotguns. Suddenly Hell busts in and screams “Eat lead froggies” and opens fire on the guards*

W: At least this movie isn’t short on one liners.

 

*Toty does a super jump out of there as Hell helps Spangle up. Hell “Let’s boogie”

W: They’re not gonna start disco dancing are they?

 

*Frog guards arm themselves with shotguns. Hell “Someone’s dealing guns to the greeners.” Spangle “Someone named Captain Sodom.” Spangle spots a necklace and asks if it was his wife’s. He says daughter*

W: Some character development late in the movie.

 

*Spangle distracts the guards by pretending to be a damsel in distress. She beats them both up and Hell says “Sure you need me?”

W: This is his “Really?” face.

 

*Spangle says the girls do. Centinella pulls up and tells the guards either eat dirt or lead. They hit the dirt*

W: Haha.

 

*Toty pops up with guards. Looney shoots flares at them so Hell can escape with all the girls in the van*

W: I love how the bomb is gone and yet he’s still helping. He can easily run for it.

 

*Hell saves Looney as well and loads him into the van as Centinella opens fires on the guards. Toty “You’re letting them get away. I want you to do something about it…nowwwww”

W: This acting is bullshit.

 

*Toty fires up a big vehicle to go after the Medtech van. Spangle puts on sunglasses*

W: The They Live sunglasses.

 

*Loony groans and gives a speech before he dies. He says he hopes….and dies*

W and A: *Mock death* Ehhhhhhh

 

*Hell looks sad*

A: The obligatory sad face.

 

*Centinella says they got something behind them and its bad. Hell checks it out and freaks out*

A: I call this the “Woahhhhhh” face.

 

*Toty pulls up in a pickup truck with a cannon on it*

W: I want that car, do you?

A: Who doesn’t want a cannon?

 

*Centinella opes fire and takes out the guards on the pickup. Toty fires back and hits Centinella on the arm*

W: Just a scratch.

 

*Spangle says they’re gonna make it. Piper smirks*

A: This is my “If you say so” face.

 

*Spangle pulls the van over as Count Sodom orders everyone out. Toty pulls up with a Mercedes Benz symbol on his neck as Hell’s crew surrenders. Sodom pulls his mask off to reveal himself to be Captain Devin. He pulls out a bazooka and says women have men by the shorthairs and its going to change. He sells guns to frogs for uranium that he sells to scientists to make him a nuke. He’s going to wipe the slate clean. Hell tells the girl behind him to grab his sword but she won’t because she’s passive. Spangle rolls her eyes. Finally the girl pulls it and Hell throws it, impaling Devin as he falls off a cliff. Hell “Long winded son of a bitch.”

W: Yeah really.

 

*Hell picks up the sword and tells everyone to go, he’s taking Toty by himself*

W: Are we gonna get the one on one fight?

 

*Hell grabs Devin’s gun and finds his corpse. Devin pops up with the bazooka but Hell turns around and shoots him in the head*

A: NOW he’s gone.

 

*Hell grabs the bazooka*

W: This is his “Time to end this” face.

 

*A cannon shot has destroyed the van but no one is in it. Toty pulls up with two guards. Hell pops up with the bazooka and tells the guards to run. He says they’re going down together. Toty pleads but Hell’s bazooka won’t fire. Hell fires the pistol but nothing happens. He almost falls off a cliff and Toty pounces through the air. He drops Piper with a press slam then kicks him in the nuts, then the face*

W: I call this the “OWWWOWOWOWWW” face.

 

*Hell fights back and does the 3 Stooges eye poke to Toty*

W: Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

 

*Hell kicks Toty who falls but grabs Hell’s legs as a last resort. Hell grabs the sword and cuts Toty’s hand off….but as he falls both hands are still attached. Hell’s head drops after Toty falls to his death*

W: This is his “I made it” face.

A: Yeah exactly.

 

*Hell goes back to the blown up van where Spangle, Centinella and the girls are all still alive. Hell says he outta kick Spangle’s butt. Spangle says to try. Hell forcefully kisses her and Spangle says save it for the fertiles and triggers the bomb…only the bombs gone. Spangle kisses him back after he says she’d miss him*

W: Ha.

 

*Hell hands Centinella his daughter’s necklace and she puts it on. Spangle says after he finishes his duties they can go on vacation together. Hell says that’s fine but then stops and asks what his duties are. Spangle motions toward the girls and Hell’s face contorts*

W: That’s his “This is gonna be a long day” face.

 

*Hell “A soldier’s work is never done” Spangle kisses his cheek. They drive off in Toty’s pickup*

W: We hope you enjoyed no morale theater.

 

*Credits*

A: I love “The Poor Dufus”

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3.5. Don’t get me wrong, its a bad movie but its an entertaining bad movie. You can at least laugh at it.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7, that was without of doubt the best worst movie I’ve ever seen. Better than Troll 2 and better than Zombeavers. This was an absolutely hilarious trainwreck. I had way too much fun with it than I should have.

Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: That is officially the new best worst movie of all time. Literally it killed the acting careers of not one but two people. Piper never did anything of consequence again but he still has They Live to fall back on. As for this, this was a polished turd from start to finish. Someone actually got paid to write this script. All in all its a bad movie but its certainly watchable.

America: Between roosters and frogs, I’ve had enough for one week. I’ll see you later.

*America gets up and walks out the door*

Warlock: Least he didn’t throw me out this time. Have a pleasant evening.

302. The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

*When we last left off, The Warlock and Mr. America had traveled to Syosset, New York to find footage of The Tin Rooster Project. After watching the footage and destroying the beast, the duo heads back home. Upon returning home, The Warlock gets a phone call from an old friend*

Warlock: Hello?

Sam: Did you find it?

Warlock: Yes.

Sam: Considering you’re still alive, I assume you destroyed it and the footage.

Warlock: Not the footage, no.

Sam: You left it there??

Warlock: You didn’t tell me to destroy it. Anyway, the job is done.

Sam: I’ll send you the movie as promised. I also have a surprise for you.

Warlock: What’s that?

Sam: He’s alive.

Warlock: Who?

Sam: Gil.

Warlock: You mean the guy who was attacked by the Rooster?

Sam: Yes.

Warlock: How do you know?

Sam: I found him myself near death and dragged him to safety, unfortunately I could not save the others.

Warlock: So where is he now?

Sam: He moved to California and never looked back.

Warlock: Where can I find him?

 

*3 days later The Warlock gets off a plane in San Diego, California. He’s carrying a paper bag while wearing a black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He looks at a slip of paper with an address on it. The Warlock takes an uber to the address where he knocks on the door. A shapely, hourglass woman wearing a black tank top, tattoos and black leggings answers the door*

Ashlee: Um, can I help you?

Warlock: Is Gil here?

Ashlee: Who?

Warlock: Gil….he moved here from NY?

*A voice from inside*

Bruceman: If its not the pizza man, get him out of here.

Ashlee: I’m sorry but you’ll have to go.

*As Ashlee begins shutting the door, Warlock shouts into the house*

W: Its about The Tin Rooster.

*The door shuts and Warlock walks away only for the door to be flown open where a man with slicked back hair, an Ultimate Warrior tshirt and black shorts runs out*

Bruceman: The hell did you just say?

*Warlock turns around*

Warlock: I know about The Tin Rooster Project.

Bruceman: Motherfucker you need to get out of here now, that thing….

Warlock: Is dead.

Bruceman: What?

Warlock: Its dead…I killed it.

Bruceman: You’re full of shit.

*Warlock reaches into the paper bag and pulls out the head of the Tin Rooster and throws it at Bruceman’s feet*

Bruceman: Oh…my….god.

*Bruceman crouches and picks the head up*

Bruceman: Do you have any idea how many people this thing has killed. My friends….neighbors…..

Warlock: Consider it my gift to you.

Bruceman: Who are you?

Warlock: Just call me…The Warlock. Good day Gil.

Bruceman: I don’t go by that name anymore, I am The Uncanny Bruceman.

Warlock: Sounds good, see you around.

Bruceman: No, come on in. Have a drink and celebrate.

*Warlock and Bruceman walk inside*

Bruceman: This is my girl Ashlee.

*They shake hands. Bruceman mounts the head on top of his big TV. They share rum and stories until Bruceman looks at the time*

Bruceman: I hate to do this but I have to cut this short. I’m supposed to watch a movie now.

Warlock: Movie you say?

Bruceman: Yeah.

Warlock: What is it?

Bruceman: The Star Wars Holiday Special. Remember that atrocity?

Warlock: Mind if I join you?

Bruceman: If you want to torture yourself.

*Ashlee and Bruceman sit on the couch, Warlock pulls up a chair*

Ashlee: What is this?

Bruceman: After Star Wars: A New Hope was a smash success, the original cast was hired to make a musical/variety movie the following year to cash in on the success. It sucked so hard George Lucas will never release it.

Warlock: But you have it.

Bruceman: Naturally.

Warlock: So let’s get started with The Star Wars Holiday Special.

 

Directed by Steve Binder and David Acomba

Written by George Lucas, Rod Warren, Bruce Vilanch, Pat Proft, Leonard Ripps and Mitzie Welch

 

Cast:

Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill)

Han Solo (Harrison Ford)

Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher)

C-3PO (Anthony Daniels)

Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew)

R2-D2 (Kenny Baker)

Darth Vader’s voice (James Earl Jones)

Ackmena (Bea Arthur)

Saun Dann (Art Carney)

Mermeia (Diehann Carroll)

Krelman (Harvey Korman)

Malla (Mickey Morton)

Itchy (Paul Gale)

Lumpy (Patty Malone)

Imperial Guard (Jack Rader)

 

*Bruceman reads the tagline*

B: “Chewbacca and Han Solo try to get to the Wookiee homeworld of Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day, but are impeded by an Imperial blockade. Chewie’s family passes the time with various forms of entertainment.”

W: Why do I have the feeling this is going to be really….really bad?

 

*Chewbacca and Han Solo are in the Millennium Falcon being chased by Star Destroyers, Chewy is pissed Solo wants to turn around and he wants to make it home for Life Day*

B: Happy Life Day Everybody

 

*Don Pardo introduces the cast*

W: Why does Luke look ridiculous?

B: He was in an accident that damaged his face.

 

*Announcer “Bea Arthur*

W: Why???

B: It was a mishmash of A list actors on a F rated movie.

 

*Chewy’s family Itchy, Malla and Lumpy are chilling on their home world*

W: Yay, I jumped down the stairs.

 

*Lumpy plays with an X wing fighter and makes wookie noises*

W: That’s gonna annoy me in like 30 seconds.

B: We’re already off to a bad start because we’re watching a conversation with no subtitles and we have no idea what the fuck they’re saying.

 

*Lumpy reaches for a cookie*

B: Put down the Wookie cookie.

 

*Lumpy has to do laundry*

B: He’s doing laundry and they don’t wear any fucking clothes.

 

*Lumpy looks 50 feet down*

B: How’d they fucking get up there?

 

*Lumpy hops up on the balcony*

B: The fucking kid is gonna commit suicide on Life Day.

 

*Malla looks at a picture of Chewy and whines*

W: Oh there he is…..he’ll be back.

A: When was this made?

W: 1978….a year after A New Hope and 2 before Empire Strikes Back.

 

*Itchy and Lumpy turn on the holograph machine*

W: Oh my god what the fuck is that?

B: Cirque Du Solei on a fucking chess board.

 

*Lumpy watches the dancers do a live action segment*

W: What’s the point of this?

B: To kill time. They had a two hour slot and there’s only so much wookie noises you can do in a 2 hour slot.

W: What the fuck does this have to do with Star Wars?

B: Absolutely nothing.

 

*Dance routine with jugglers continue*

W: Show us a space battle, or stormtroopers, or Falcon footage, I don’t want to see this.

B: They wanted to show off the special effects they could do on a made for TV budget in 1978.

 

*Lumpy tries to do the dishes*

W: He’s too short, he can’t reach them.

 

*Malla types on an old computer*

W: Is that a Commodore?

B: Star Wars Skype in 1978.

 

*Malla calls up Luke and R2*

W: Mark does look like he’s been in an accident.

 

*Luke says “One at a time”

B: One at a time? They’re all barking, what difference does it fucking make?

 

*Luke wants to say hi to Chewy*

W: He ain’t there genius.

 

*Luke tells the family that Han and Chewy are in their way and are just held up*

W: This acting is shit. How could he do so well in A New Hope and look terrible here?

 

*Luke gets Malla to smile*

W: Oh my god….what the fuck?

 

*R2 screws up the repairs, smoke blows everywhere*

W: So was that his one scene besides the animated part?

 

*Saun walks into his own shop as an Imperial Guard with a huge helmet looks around*

W: A, he looks like Cheech Marin and B, that’s Dark Helmet’s dome piece.

 

*Saun haggles with him over trinkets when Malla calls up. Saun says Chewy is on his way*

W: Thanks Norton…..I’m too sober for this.

A: Heh.

 

*Saun talks with the guard*

B: Did he use a jedi mind trick?

W: Oh hell no, Ed Norton is not a fucking jedi.

 

*Guard doesn’t pay for item, just takes it and leave*

W: Wow, what an asshole.

 

*Stock footage of A New Hope with overdub of Vader telling his subordinate to search every household for Chewbacca*

W: They couldn’t even film new scenes, they just overdubbed?

B: Yeah this is like Land of The Lost with Star Wars slapped on it.

 

*Chef Goormanda prepares a dish*

W: Why is Harvey Korman in drag?

B: The bantha rump shaker.

W: What does THIS have to do with Star Wars?

B: Can you imagine having to clean all the hair on the chairs and couches in that fucking house?

 

*Chef “Stir whip, stir whip, stir whip*

B: Oh look she has a third fuckin arm, out of nowhere.

W: It would be funny if he had no idea where the arm came from.

 

*Chef’s fourth arm prevents him from sneezing*

W: This could have been cool if they kept stock footage of A New Hope battles, THIS is stupid.

 

*Stock footage of the Falcon escaping tie fighters*

W: See? This is more like it.

 

*Han says they still have a chance to get home. Meanwhile an alarm goes off at Malla’s house. Some imperial guy says no ships are permitted to land until further notice*

W: When would that ever stop the Falcon?

 

*Itchy answers the knock on the door, its Saun. He’s brought a proton pack*

W: Heh, wrong movie…wait, this came first.

B: Yeah, 6 years earlier.

W: Ghostbusters are THIEVES.

 

*Saun brought presents to everyone for Life Day. Itchy gets a VR machine, he watches it*

W: Oooh pretty colors.

B: He’s watching an oversized kaleidoscope.

 

*Mermeia appears in Itchy’s VR fantasy*

W: He’s watching virtual porn.

A: On that note *takes a hit of pipe*

W: Good thinking.

 

*Mermeia goes into a song number*

W: George Lucas was an executive producer right? What kind of cocaine was in his system to come up with this shit?

B: He was after dollar signs and merchandise sales.

A: So they did just try to bury this like they did ET Atari games?

W and B: Yes.

B: Anyone who taped it made copies. Only tape traders had this. That was the only way you could see it.

W: Lucas himself went on record saying he wishes he could find every copy of this movie and smash it with a hammer.

B: Variety shows and movies were still big in the 70’s and they wanted to bank on theme. This was one of the last of its kind.

 

*Mermeia keeps singing*

B: Oh my fucking god stop singing.

W: God dammit WHY is she still singing?

 

*Next scene shows Princess Leia using an old accounting type machine while 3PO uses a computer*

W: So when they mean a long  time ago in a galaxy far, far away…..they mean 1973.

B: Yeah.

W: She looks coked out.

B: Oh yes. Kevin Smith was probably jerking to this.

A: Why?

B: He had a huge crush on her growing up. That’s why she’s in his movies.

 

*Leia orders Saun to take care of Chewy’s family*

W: Better acting than Luke, I’ll tell you that.

 

*Chewy and Han in the Falcon steer toward Kashyyyk*

W: That’s just Yevin painted green.

 

*Stormtroopers and an imperial officer walk into Malla’s place*

W: He’s not even there yet, what the hell are they there for?

B: They’re looking for Anne Frank.

W: You’d have a better chance of finding her than Chewbacca.

 

*Guard reports that four wookies live there, 2 males, one female and one child*

W: No shit sherlock, they’re standing right in front of you.

 

*Saun says Chewy and Malla got into a fight and Chewy stormed out*

W: Ha….this made me laugh once, congrats.

 

*Saun bullshits the imperials as a stormtrooper checks a small cupboard*

B: How could a 7 foot wookie hide in a fucking small cupboard? Who does he think this this is, Webster’s house?

 

*Saun pulls out a trinket to show the guard*

W: What the hell is that?

B: Its a toaster….with no toast.

W: Why?

B: There’s no bread.

 

*Saun starts up a music video. Its a Jefferson Starship song*

B: This could be the saving grace of this whole movie.

W: That’s actually Jefferson Starship, I actually like this song.

B: Too bad he’s singing into what looks to be a giant fucking dildo.

 

*The audio cuts out*

W: Hey audio guy, what the fuck?

 

*Song goes into a guitar solo*

W: See, this actually is a cool music video…..BUT ITS GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH STAR WARS!

B: Like the Metallica Christmas Album featuring Sleighride the Lightning and Enter Santa.

W: He’s showing this goofball a Jefferson Starship music video to distract him long enough for Chewy to bust in and make the save?

B: No, he’s trying to get them to leave.

W: But its Jefferson Starship, that would make me stay.

B: There’s the problem.

 

*Officer, guard and troopers leave and Saun says goodbye*

B: Art Carney’s got a case of cauliflower ear.

W: Did Jackie Gleason smack him around for real?

 

*Stormtrooper throws Itchy out of the way*

W: That bump was the only one I’ve seen in this movie so far.

B: We’re halfway home.

 

*We go into the Animated Cartoon*

W: Now THIS is more like it. They got the actual voices and the animation is okay for 1978 standards, this should have been the whole movie.

B: The Hanna Barbara cartoons look a hundred times better but they had to do limited time animation.

 

*The Falcon crashes into the lake as Luke crashes the X Wing too. Luke fires a laser at a dinosaur that eats it and licks its lips*

B: He’s eating it like a piece of bubblegum.

 

*Boba Fett saves Luke from the dinosaur. Fett calls Luke friend and says the empire is nearby. He says he has no love for the empire*

B: BUT YOU TOOK HIS MONEY!!

 

*3PO says can they trust him. Luke says he looks like a friend*

W: Looks like a friend?? Its fuckin Boba Fett.

 

*Chewy knocks Luke out by accident and Boba Fett uses a hand spear to tie up Chewy*

B: That’s the Scorpion spear! You saw it here first.

 

*Boba tells Chewy to stay*

B: Look at the pink slime, Ghostbusters 2 stole it from here.

W: This movie is more innovative than I thought.

 

*Boba calls Darth Vader and says he’s delivering the rebels*

B: He’s a heel! I knew it.

 

*Lumpy shuts the cartoon off for a minute before turning it back on*

W: So is this actually happening?

 

*R2 jacks into a Boba Fett transmission and figures out Boba is working for Vader. 3PO says what do they do now?*

W: R2 hacked into the skype chat?

B: The budget of this cartoon is so bad they only have 5 colors.

 

*Boba and Chewy get back to the ship, Han and Luke wake up. Han asks what’s going on?*

B: He looks like a Salvador Dali.

 

*3PO tells the others Boba Fett is a heel. Boba flies away. 3PO says Chewy knew he was no good because he didn’t smell right*

W: DIDN’T SMELL RIGHT?

 

*Imperials ransack Malla’s house. A guard rips a toy bantha’s head off*

W: That bantha was the coolest thing of the whole movie. What a heel!

B: I would have actually bought that. But what the fuck is with the guard? Did he expect to find Chewbacca in that toy bantha?

 

*Imperial officer says Lumpy needs to clean his room*

W: This movie is getting worse.

 

*Lumpy laments the bantha’s head getting ripped off*

W: Awww you made the kid cry, what a bastard.

 

*Lumpy throws a blanket on the bantha*

B: Look at him, he’s giving it a funeral. He’s throwing it on the coroner’s table and applying a toe tag.

W: Dr. Donald Mallard comes in to perform the autopsy.

 

*Amorphian Instructor shows how to build a computer*

W: Harvey Korman trying to build a computer.

B: This is kinda like Max Headroom.

W: This movie innovated a lot of ideas but didn’t execute well.

A: He just shoved his fingers in his asshole!

 

*Instructor is reading off a cue card*

B: You can see he’s reading off a cue card.

W: He’s not even trying to act, that’s how ridiculous this is. The directors didn’t give a fuck.

 

*Instructor rolls his eyes*

W: He just snorted a line of Carrie Fisher’s coke.

 

*Instructor falls down*

B: The morphine is kicking in.

 

*Lumpy tries to make the translator that the Instructor was shilling*

W: Oh god.

 

*Stock footage of Mos Eisley port with Greedo*

W: You’re supposed to be dead.

 

*The band plays the song*

W: That’s the same song from A New Hope.

 

*Some asshole throws somebody out*

W: Sit in my seat, hell no.

 

*Ackmena is the bartender, Krelman walks in*

W: Bea Arthur and Harvey Korman.

 

*Krelman drinks through the hole in his head*

W: Why is he…nevermind.

B: He wants him some Bea Arthur.

 

*Krelman has six fingers and counts them*

W and B: He’s got six fingers.

 

*Krelman says he’s fallen in love with her*

W: He just met her and he loves her?

B: He wants some Bea Arthur…..to be fair she probably was attractive 15 years before this.

 

*Krelman hides his head*

W: Why did she take this role?

B: A New Hope was so hot in the summer of 77 that EVERYONE wanted to be apart of this.

 

*Imperial guy on the screen gives another speech saying the bar is closed*

W: Why would they need to close Mos Eisley?

 

*Nobody leaves, Ackmena tries to kick everyone out but nobody leaves. Satan shows up with a gun*

W: Satan shows up.

B: He was in the first movie.

 

*Everybody bangs on the table*

W: TOGA, TOGA, TOGA!

B: She’s gonna sing isn’t she?

 

*The band goes into a livelier version of the song*

B: DOES THIS FUCKING BAND KNOW ANY OTHER SONGS?

 

*Ackmena sings actual lyrics to the song when its slowed down*

W: Is this a new song?

B: No, but that’s all the band knows how to play.

 

*She sings with a giant mouse*

W: What’s with the giant mouse?

B: Stuart Large.

 

*Ackmena goes into a musical number with the bar patrons*

B: I like this scene. She’s singing so badly to get everyone to leave and its working.

 

*Ackmena gets a conga line*

B: She’s leading a fucking conga line in the Mos Eisley cantina.

W: Why is Greedo there? Somebody want to tell me that?

B: Why are WE here? Why are we watching this?

W: Even the band is leaving, they had enough.

B: And they’re still playing the same song out the fucking door.

 

*The song still plays*

W: There’s nobody there why is there still music?

B: They’re playing it in the streets.

 

*Imperial officer gets a call to return to base*

W: Good, get the fuck out of here.

 

*Officer tells one stormtrooper to stay behind*

W: Now its 3 against one, I’m sure they can take him.

 

*Trooper catches Lumpy trying to build a translator. He smashes it*

W: Oh you bastard heel!

 

*Chewbacca shows up, stormtrooper pulls a blaster but hesitates*

W: Why didn’t he just shoot him?

 

*Han shows up, knocks the blaster out of his hands. Trooper trips over his own gun and falls using the wilhelm scream*

B: This is promoting liberalism. We got a gun free zone, we got a man in drag,  no mention of any religions and I think we’re about to see animals fucking.

A: Hahahahaha

 

*Han smiles and hugs everyone including Lumpy*

W: Mercenary badass showing his human side.

 

*Chewy goes to give Malla a kiss*

W: I don’t wanna see this.

A: This is odd.

B: This is awkward.

 

*Chewy hugs her instead*

W: Oh okay.

 

*A knock on the door, its Saun again*

W: Hey Norton, get outta here.

 

*Imperial guy is looking for a specific stormtrooper to report*

W: Why would they give a damn about a single stormtrooper?

 

*Saun reports that the trooper robbed the house blind and left. Imperial says he’ll send a searching party*

W: Ok, there’s like ten minutes left. Now what?

 

*The family all holds orbs*

B: They’re gonna celebrate Life Day by holding snow globes.

 

*The family is now in space walking toward the sun*

B: What the fuck am I watching? Its like the Mystics heading toward the dark crystal.

 

*A whole clan of Wookies hang out, R2 and 3PO wish everyone a happy Life Day*

W: How the fuck did they get th…..nevermind, I give up.

 

*Luke, Leia and Han show up. Han says he’s happy to be there. Leia goes into a speech*

W: Oh no….

B: I feel a song coming on…..

W: Ohhhhh nooooooooo….

 

*Leia starts singing*

B: Yepppp.

W: She looks coked out of her mind.

B: She probably is.

 

*Leia continues to croon*

B: I am so sorry for putting you through this. I’d rather watch Yor on an endless loop then watch this again.

 

*The Star Wars ending theme plays*

W: That’s more like it.

B: Ok everyone clear out, we need the room for the Buffalo Lounge singers.

 

*Scenes from A New Hope are shown*

W: Why are we seeing this?

B: In case anyone forgot they were watching Star Wars.

W: Which would be often since 3/4 of the movie had nothing to do with it.

 

*Chewy zooms in*

W: Oh he was having a flashback, okay.

 

*Orbs are shown*

B: There’s more, we’re not out of the woods yet.

 

*Chewy’s family holds hands in front of the orbs*

B: They’re doing a seance to resurrect Ben Kenobi.

W: That would have actually be awesome.

 

*End credits*

B: Oh thank god, we made it.

W: Thank fucking god.

B: You know Alex Guinness did Star Wars for almost no money because he had no faith in the movie being big so he took a small check just to get a quick payment before the next movie he was in.

 

Ashlee’s Assessment: 2 out of 10, the animation was the best part.

Bruceman’s Assessment: Diabeetus…fuck the numbers.

Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 3 out of 10. That was really stupid but it had enough legitimate cool things to save it from being one of the worst of all time.

Final Grade: 2.5 out of 10 – Abomination

 

*Warlock rises from his chair*

W: That has got to be one of the biggest fuck ups of all time. You had the original cast with good actors such as Art Carney, Harvey Koorman and Bea Arthur….and the acting is so bad that I’m about to smash this with a hammer like George Lucas himself insisted. This would have been the end of the franchise before it started if it wasn’t for Empire Strikes Back. Actually, because it was shown on TV once and never spoke of again, it was easier to forget until the modern era where ANYONE can see or read up on it.

B: The internet played a factor too. I got this off of Youtube, anybody can do that.

W: I don’t see why they want to, this movie sucks. On that note, I need to get out of here before I throw up.

B: Thanks for stopping by. Come back any time.

W: I’ll hold you to that.

*Warlock walks out the door*

Bruceman: Who the hell was that?

Ashlee: Beats the shit out of me.

 

THE END

 

301. The Tin Rooster Project (2000)

*The Warlock is searching an old, abandoned house in Syosset, New York for something. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, white sneakers, blue jeans and a miner’s hat with a flashlight on it. Mr. America is standing next to him wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots. He’s holding a carbine rifle with a flashlight duct taped to the top of it*

America: What the hell are we doing here?

Warlock: Looking for something.

America: I realize that, dumbass. What are we looking for?

Warlock: Ever heard of The Tin Rooster?

America: No.

Warlock: Apparently in the 1950’s a nuclear scientist went mad and encased a live rooster in tin armor and did experiments to it to make it murderous. Apparently it killed the scientist and terrorized Long Island for 20 years. People that were noted to be searching for it disappeared. Back in 2000 an old friend of mine on a wrestling forum said that he was looking for it too and he disappeared. Apparently he left behind a tape of the search, that’s what I’m looking for.

America: So instead of looking for the murderous Rooster itself, you’re looking for a tape of the Rooster?

Warlock: Yes.

America: Oh okay, that’s different. Don’t be afraid I’ll be right behind you.

*America searches one room with Warlock in another*

America: I think I got it. There’s a VHS tape that says “Blair Witch” on it.

Warlock: No, that’s not it.

America: There’s another one here that says “V/H/S”

Warlock: Nope, that ain’t it.

*Warlock dusts off a bookshelf and finds a tape on it*

Warlock: I found something.

*Warlock blows the dust off the tape that reads The Tin Rooster Project*

W: I got it.

A: Wonderful, let’s get out of here. I think a painting in here is moving.

*A voice emanates from the painting*

“I’m stationary.”

A: Oh okay, nevermind Warlock its stationary.

W: That’s swell, now I need a VCR.

A: There’s one in here.

*Warlock brings the tape into the next room*

W: This place has been abandoned for 17 years, there’s no possible way its gonna work.

A: You never know.

W: There’s no electricity in here anyway.

A: Oh yeah.

*Suddenly lights flicker and turn on all over the room, the TV turns on by itself and so does the VCR*

W: Look at that, what service!

*The painting says “Thank you”

A: Don’t mention it.

*Warlock and America look at each other*

A: Let’s just get this damn thing started.

*Warlock puts the tape in and presses play*

 

Written by Bruce Gilbert, Scott Quinn and Richard Farbman

Directed by Bruce Gilbert

 

Cast:

The Masked Chalupa/Gil (Bruce Gilbert)

Scott (Scott Quinn)

Dick (Richard Farbman)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “The footage of three missing men from Long Island searching for an ancient evil is found.”

A: What in the hell?

 

*Graphic reads sightings of a small, metallic bird began in the 1940’s in Syosset, New York*

A: You weren’t kidding.

 

*Graphic reads the sightings continued into the 1950’s but there was no evidence of such Tin Rooster. By the 1960’s the sightings were linked to hallucinogenic substances and further evidence was met with scorn and mockery*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*In 2000, three men in Nassau County went looking for the Tin Rooster and were never found. This is their footage*

A: So we really did find the footage?

 

*Gil takes a piss in the corner*

A: This is an integral part of the movie.

 

*Gil is wearing an Austin 3:16 shirt*

W: This is definitely from 2000, look at that shirt.

 

*Gil says somebody named Solomon was supposedly killed by the Rooster*

W: I heard he can sway pretty well.

A: Excuse me?

W: Nevermind.

 

*Gil and Scott says they got nunchucks and a rifle to hunt The Rooster. Before they do they’re going to talk to a well respected member of the community, The Masked Chalupa*

A: The masked what???

W: Chalupa….he used to have a hell of a feud with El Sandwich.

A: What? Who? My head hurts.

 

*Chalupa says his wrestling shows are the hottest ticket in town. Scott asks if he’s ever heard of the Tin Rooster and Chalupa says his brother tried to catch it to cook in his restaurant but it didn’t end well*

A: How can you cook a tin rooster?

W: You put it in the microwave.

A: Do you have ANY clue how bad that would end?

 

*Chalupa says he’s got a knife in his pocket and will slash the Rooster if it attacks. He says he’s got Hardcore Chow on his side*

W: HARDCORE CHOW!

A: Who?

W: He beat El Sandwhich and Masked Chalupa for the TPF Inner-City Title.

A: How can he beat both guys at once?

W: He’s very very sneaky.

A: Sure….

 

*Chalupa says he’ll wrestle the Rooster if it comes by*

W: That would have been fun.

 

*Gil, Scott and Dick head to the woods to find the Rooster. Scott says the rumor is a Japanese ninja warrior is the guardian of the Rooster. Gil is holding nunchucks and Scott has the rifle*

W: Dick’s got the camera.

A: Anybody got a grenade?

 

*Gil doesn’t have the map and Scott says they’re gonna die out there. Gil says they’re 5 minutes from his house*

W: Some woods.

 

*Dick hears a noise and sends Gil and Scott into the woods. Scott is freaking out and Gil says they walked 10 yards*

W: A whole ten yards.

 

*Gil tells Dick to shut the camera off and we cut*

A: Awww that’s cheap.

 

*Camera comes back on with Gil and Scott on a bench saying they found nothing in the woods while getting lost*

W: That’s why you needed the map!

 

*Gil and Scott freak out when they see a pile of leaves*

A: That’s a pile of leaves. Ooooooh scary.

W: Careful, it could be ticking.

A: THAT’S NOT A BOMB!

 

*Gil attacks the pile of leaves with his nunchucks*

W: I don’t think its gonna make it.

 

*Gil walks off with Scott and Dick in tow. Dick makes noises as Gil says to turn the camera off*

W: What just happened?

 

*Gil sings opera and Scott is confused*

W: JG WENTWORTH.

A: 877 CASH NOWWWWWW.

 

*Gil is possessed by the spirit of the Rooster. Scott and Dick wonder what happened. Scott says they need to put Gil out of his misery. Scott grabs the rifle but says “Holy shit!” The camera pans to the Rooster attacking Gil*

W: Oh my god its real!

A: Really? Seriously? A garden ornament??

 

*Scott runs for it and Gil tells Dick to save himself*

W: That’s it for Gil.

A: When is this over?

 

*Scott apologizes to Gil and Dick’s respective moms. Scott says the Tin Rooster Project was his idea and he apologizes to his own mother*

W: Apologize to me too.

A: You? What do you have to do with anything?

 

*Scott is attacked by the Rooster. Scott says he’s not gonna get him and he blows his own head off with the rifle*

W: Oh my god his brains went everywhere!!!

A:…its a toy gun…..

 

*Dick is the only one left and he runs for it. He has no idea where he is and he fumbles around in the dark. Suddenly he sees Gil standing in a corner when the Rooster attacks and knocks the camera out of Dick’s hands*

W: See the blood….Dick is definitely dead.

A: I don’t see any blood.

 

*End credits with Rooster by Alice In Chains *

W: Naturally.

 

*No animals were harmed during the making of this movie*

A: Oh…yay.

 

*This project did not create any jobs whatsoever. The parties involved went right back to what they hated doing the next day*

W: Except for the trio, they’re dead.

A: Hardly!

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: That was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever watched, I give it a 2.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7, that was 12 minutes of perfection. You really got into the story, the characters and the Rooster itself. I’d say the Rooster was one of the scariest movie villains ever and the acting was top notch.

America: You….can’t be serious.

 

Final Grade: 4.5 out of 10 – Below Average

 

*Warlock hits stop on the VCR*

W: Well there you have it, that was the Tin Rooster Project. That was the last recorded footage of the Rooster itself. A search party was formed to find the bodies but they were never found, neither was the Rooster.

A: You can’t be serious.

W: Well I…..

*All of a sudden the Rooster pops up*

A: AHHHHHH RUNNNNN!!!!

*America runs for it. Warlock just stares at it*

W: What? That can’t be the real one.

*Warlock grabs it when it lunges for him and rips the head off. The body falls to the floor*

W: See? Its just tin…its not the real Rooster, get back here!

*Warlock runs with the head and chases after America. Blood runs out of the body*

 

THE END