*The Warlock and Mr. America are watching an old episode of WCW Nitro where Kevin Nash is featured*
A: Can you believe he was nobody wrestler BEFORE he was Super Shredder and was’t really a star for a couple of years after?
W: Well considering the movies Nash has been in, I can see why he wouldn’t have made it as a straight up actor.
A: Why?
W: Get this, there’s a movie on IMDB that’s rated 3.1 called THE MANOR. Apparently he, Mike Kanellis and Sully Erna of Godsmack are in it.
A: We have got to watch this.
W: I agree, let’s do it.
Written by Tom DeNucci, Glenn Jeffrey, Mike Messier and Matt O’Connor
Directed by Jonathan Schermerhorn
Cast:
Amy Hunter (Christina Robinson)
Doctor Tryvniak (Rachael True)
Reverend Thomas (Kevin Nash)
Brett Bayton (Sully Erna)
Blaire Clarke (Danielle Guldin)
Ethan Clarke (Eric Lutes)
Robert Anders (Armen Garo)
Trevor Clarke (Michael Zuccola)
Jane Hunter (Tana Melendez Lynch)
Nurse Amanda Feliz (Pamela Jayne Morgan)
Ole Bayton (Mike Messier)
Aka Mana (David Tessier)
Eva Clarke (Tandi Tugwell)
Darsaw Bayton (Mike Bennett)
Nicklaus Anders (Mark Sullivan)
True Believers (Allie Marshall, Edilsy Vargas)
Ryan (Ryan King Persaud)
Gwen (Chelsea Vale)
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
W: “This family reunion’s gonna be insane”
A: Knowing how some family reunions can be, that doesn’t sound so bad.
*Opening credits with a closeup of a girl’s face*
W: Nash!
A: Should we take it as a bad sign that he’s top billed?
W: Yes.
*A chessboard is shown*
A: We have a chessboard.
W: The pawn won Best Supporting Actor.
A: What?? The pawn?
*Woman tosses and turns having a nightmare of a devil attacking her*
A: Woah!
W: Darth Maul in a suit.
*Anders Manor is shown*
A: Who’s brilliant idea was this?
W: How high were Nash and Erna to agree to do this?
*Some guy says “the kingdom”
W: He’s thinking.
A: Apparently.
*Jane talks to Doctor Tryvniak and says Amy is coming home to see family at a nice bed and breakfast called Anders Manor. The guy stares at the chessboard*
A: How long are you gonna stare at the chess pieces?
*Flashback of a young man playing chess*
W: Are we gonna get any names?
*Jane brings Amy to Anders Manor and they chat outside of it. Jane asks if she’s ready and Amy says she’s ready*
A: Was that the girl screaming during the credits?
W: Yes.
*Jane and Amy meet Nicklaus Anders and he runs the Manor. He takes their bags*
A: I know we’re only 5 minutes into the movie, but to the people who made this, thanks for nothing!
*The flashback father is Robert Anders as Amy has visions of horror*
W: This movie is explaining nothing.
*Nicklaus says nobody stays in that room. Jane tells Nicklaus that she has a mental disorder and Jane is her mother. Nicklaus says some hunters are joining them for dinner later*
W: At least he told her about it.
*Another flashback of Robert teaching young Nicklaus chess*
W: You know, if he was daydreaming this is one thing, but these flashbacks are totally random.
*Jane meets Ethan and Blaire Clarke along with Eva and Trevor*
W: Oh my god its Tandi Tugwell.
*Blaire and Trevor insult each other as Blaire asks how Amy is doing at the funny farm. Nicklaus has enough and goes to welcome the hunters. Brett, Darsaw and Ole meet Nicklaus*
W: That’s Sully Erna, the writer of the movie and pro wrestler Mike Kanellis.
A: I know its not him but the writer looks like Seagal.
*Blaire eyeballs the hunters before smoking with Trevor outside. Trevor admits he fucked his cousin once*
W: This dialogue is horseshit.
*Amy walks around outside as Ole eyeballs her. We flashback to Amy getting hock treatment from Doc*
W: What’s the point of this?
A: What’s the point of anything???
*Doc says Amy is a tiny caterpillar*
A: Why are you telling her that???
W: Yeah, that’s getting struck by lightning.
*Blaire goes outside and meets with Amy on a gazebo. She apologizes for being an asshole because she doesn’t want to be there. She extends her hand as Darsaw chops wood. Ole says Eva is a MILF as Brett says the True Believers are hotter*
A: The who?
W: This movie is dog crap.
*Amy says she got sick and Blaire asks what she can do to help. Amy says to help her do makeup*
W: That’s really not going to help.
*Eva walks around outside*
W: Milf
*Eva jumps on a trampoline*
A: Why do I need to see her bouncing on a trampoline?
W: To see her tits bounce up and down.
A: I retract my statement.
*Amy’a hair is in curls as Blaire and Trevor do her makeup and curl her hair*
A: This movie is getting better and better….note my sarcasm.
*The True Believers show up with Reverend Thomas. Thomas “Let’s party with the lord!”
W: Look at his outfit.
*Eva wants to drink with Jane and check out the guys outside. Eva wants Darsaw*
W: She’s gonna have to wrestle Maria.
A: Have fun with that.
*Brett leaves Darsaw to chop wood*
W: I didn’t know Sully was that short.
*Trevor, Amy and Blaire walk outside to meet the True Believers*
A: What is going on???
*Thomas “We all come together and we all go apart! Did you get cotton candy, ice cream? So nice to know your bodies are nourished. Its time to nourish our souls. BREATHE IN WITH ME AND BREATHE OUT!”
A: What if I don’t want to?
W: Not the worst Nash promo I’ve ever heard.
*Jane, Eva and Ethan talk about Amy*
W: Are we gonna get a Mike Kanellis vs Kevin Nash match?
A: My hopes aren’t high.
*Ole eats and is checked out by a male hippie. Thomas says every god ever loves Trevor, Amy and Blaire. Thomas says crank up the tunes, turn up the pit and rejoice in the name of love. Darsaw meets Blaire, Trevor and Amy. Blaire laughs at his accent. Darsaw wants Trevor to help him move firewood as Jane admits Amy was adopted. Darsaw has a cooler full of beer*
A: No ice?
*Darsaw asks what’s with him and Amy. Trevor says that’s his cousin. Darsaw says that doesn’t matter, its fair game*
W: In this movie Mike Kanellis supports cousin fucking.
*Trevor admits he hooked up with Amy when he was 16 and she was 14 in the Anders Manor*
W: This movie’s getting worse.
A: It wasn’t that fantastic to start.
*Darsaw says Trevor and Amy need to rekindle. Trevor says no but he’ll have another beer. Ole spots some hippie girl taking pictures and he wants to be in one. He poses for her*
W: He did the Randy Orton pose.
*Ole rips the girls throat out and fake blood spews everywhere before we cut to them looking normal and she simply walks away*
W: Was that supposed to be a daydream?
*Ole scares Amy and Thomas intervenes and saying he wants to rap with her*
W: Why do I have a feeling he’s actually going to rap?
A: Please no. Please spare us.
*Blaire snoops around the Manor as Thomas says her aura is like woah. She claims she’s sick in the head and Thomas says he’s got true love. She says she’s paranoid schizophrenic with hallucinations. Thomas “Bummer”
W: Hahahaha
A: Least convincing “bummer” I’ve ever heard.
*Amy says she just got out of the nuthouse that day. Thomas “Intense”
W: Never one to waste words is he?
A: Nope.
*Doc puts Amy to sleep using hypnosis. Doc wants to talk about “the accident”
A: Don’t do it, its a trap!
*Amy says Aka Mana tricked her. Its a demon that tries to tell her what to do. Thomas says that’s not a made up demon. Aka Mana made her kill someone and is his fucking puppet*
A: We got puppets now?
*Thomas says Aka Manah means “evil mind”. He hands her his card and says to give him a call when she’s having trouble figuring out what’s real. He leaves as Darsaw and Trevor drink. Darsaw wants to go on a double date with some girl, him, Amy and Trevor*
W: What???
*Ethan reveals Amy killed Jane’s husband because she thought he was a sex demon before he leaves*
W: Wowwwww.
*Darsaw hits on Blaire and she returns it*
W: If it wasn’t for the actors involved, this is reaching Dead Clowns bad.
*Amy tells Trevor she likes him a lot and she wants him. She says she’s adopted and they kiss*
W: Then its okay!!!!!!!
*Darsaw and Blaire drink and flirt*
W: I’m never gonna look at him the same again after this.
*Darsaw says they should compare each others rooms. She accepts*
W: We better see some nudity or this movie is going to go right into the shitter.
A: Like it wasn’t already?
*Trevor an Amy make out by the gazebo until she hallucinates Aka Mana is using her as a puppet. Trevor “What the fuck??”
W: Yeah really.
*Ole goes to rape Amy but Aka Mana kills him and stalks her*
A: Oh shit!
*Amy runs up to Ethan and punches him in the face*
W and A: Hahahahaha.
A: Was not expecting that.
*Thomas runs in after Amy*
A: What are you doing Nash?
*Thomas feels the presence of Aka Mana when he touches her head. Jane leads Amy upstairs as Thomas facepalms. Nicklaus has another chess flashback*
W: This crap again? This movie’s pacing is terrible.
*The True Believers leave as Blaire says she has a surprise for Darsaw. Blaire goes to strip*
W: Come on…come on.
*Blaire almost has her top undone as we cut to Ethan outside*
W: Come…….fuck.
*Ethan flashes a flashlight around*
W: What’s he looking for?
A: I don’t know.
*Amy dreams of meeting with Doc on her last day. Then she flashes through a thousand different images*
W: I give up trying to make sense of anything.
A: I stopped a while ago too.
*Aka Mana attacks Darsaw and Blaire as Amy strips to her underwear in the montage*
W: At least we got undies.
*Darsaw fights back against Aka Mana in the dream*
W: I think Mike Bennett would wreck this guy.
*Aka Mana kills Darsaw in the dream as Doc tells Amy she should stay in the program. Amy doesn’t want to stay. In real time Ethan is mad he got hit. Ethan says Jane has the patience of a saint. Nicklaus walks in and says he’s going to bed. He says breakfast is from 7 to 9 before he leaves and we get another chess flashback*
W: This movie sucks.
A: Ya think.
*Robert sings in the flashback “I am the white pawn clash clash”
W: This movie is seriously falling off a cliff, this is teetering on Dead Clowns level. At least Driller Killer had a good soundtrack.
*Eva tells Ethan the chessboard freaks her out. He goes to the gazebo to get stoned while she drinks with Amy*
W: This is divorce court waiting to happen.
*Ethan hopes Eva drinks herself to death as someone throws something at Ethan. He think takes a piss*
W: This an integral part of the movie.
A: Oh yeah.
*Brett pisses outside*
W: I forgot about Sully.
*Aka Mana kills Ethan with an axe*
W: Yay, a death to a character that doesn’t matter.
*Brett pats the pissing statue and sings*
W: At least he CAN sing.
*Brett stumbles into the Manor intoxicated. He needs help unloading the truck and asks where his brothers are. Eva says they haven’t seen them but offers him wine. He says hed better not and he goes upstairs*
W: Never turn down a good thing. Sully Erna turned down two hot milfs.
*Amy and Trevor are in bed*
A: These two are having fun.
*Trevor hears Brett pounding around and figures out Darsaw is with Blaire. Brett still cant find anyone as he passes out against a bed*
A: Nice job dumbass.
*Jane and Eva tell sex stories as Trevor and Amy look for Blaire. Eva and Jane get smashed as Trevor and Amy leave*
W: If they weren’t sisters this would be hot.
*Trevor and Amy can’t find Blaire. Trevor opens the bathroom door and finds Blaire and Darsaw dead. Aka Mana snaps his neck as Amy plays chess with Nurse Amanda in a flashback*
W: Good god almighty this is awful.
*Amy runs downstairs to find Jane and Eva passed out. Brett finds Amy and he’s sober now. Jane and Eva don’t move as Brett and Amy go outside with a flashlight. They find a trail of blood in the gazebo. Brett goes to call for help but can’t get service. The power is out when Amy and Brett walk in. There’s blood all over Eva as Aka Mana appears out of nowhere and kills Brett with an axe*
W: So Nash is last man standing?
A: No, Nicklaus too.
*Amy follows a trail of chess pieces up the stairs*
W: 18 minutes left.
*Another chess flashback has Robert performing a skit*
W: This is BARELY better than Dead Clowns.
*Amy finds a birthday cake that says happy birthday Amy on it. She flashes back to the psych ward getting sung to by Amanda. Aka Mana shows up out of nowhere and says make a wish. She wishes this would end and Aka Mana says to follow the breadcrumbs. Amy grabs a knife as Jane is tied up. Another chess flashback*
W: This movie had Sully Erna, Kevin Nash, Mike Bennett, two hot milfs and its still one of the worst I’ve ever seen.
A: How many chess pieces did this guy own?
*Robert tells Nicklaus to defend the kingdom*
W: I CAN WRITE BETTER THAN THIS!
*Amy follows the pieces to the basement*
W: Someone needs to ask the actors just what the fuck they were thinking taking the roles. Especially Sully….if he was that hard up for cash he should have just ran a Cameo account.
*Amy goes to cut Jane loose when Aka Mana turns into Nicklaus. Amy goes to kill him as he calls her his daughter. Her real mother is Elizabeth Rosen, Nicklaus younger cousin. Nicklaus was Aka Mana all along and the people he killed were just game pieces*
W: There’s not a chance in hell Mike Bennett lost a fight to this guy.
*Nicklaus says he’s Aka Mana’s puppet and he didn’t kill Trevor. Amy says he’s not her father but he tells her to remove the black queen. Amy turns around smiling and slashes Jane’s throat. He tells her to give him a hug and she does*
W: What….the….fuck…….
*Amy starts hauling out the bodies to be burned and buried*
W: Where’s Nash?
*Amy buries all the murder weapons and burns everyone’s IDs. She wahses the makeup off her face and we cut to her pregnant dressed in black leather spanx. She calls Thomas and says to come meet her at the Manor, she’s in charge now. Its revealed she killed Nicklaus right after she killed Jane. Fade to black*
W: Fuck…this….movie.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 2. That was not good.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 1.5 out of 10, one of the worst I’ve ever seen. Literally the only thing saving this from reaching Dead Clowns was the cast. I put this up there with Driller Killer as BARELY missing out on worst of all time. The acting was garbage, the pacing was terrible, the twists were ridiculous, there was no nudity and the script was awful.
Final Grade: 1.5 out of 10 – One of the worst of all time.
*Warlock rises and throws the DVD box across the room*
W: Son of a BITCH that was bad. Seriously that was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. The acting was garbage, the story was garbage and the characters were ridiculous. The only thing saving this from being the very worst is the big three. Kanellis, Nash and Erna brought a certain flair to the movie that none of the actors in Dead Clowns did. So, when all is said and done can I recommend The Manor? Hell fucking no, this was a complete waste of time and I seriously need to ask Nash, Kanellis and Erna what they were drinking or smoking in order to take those roles. None of them need the money so what possessed them to do something THIS bad. That about wraps up another craptastic adventure, now get outta here before I give ya a slap!
Warlock's Movie Realm 