*The Warlock opens the door to his lair, he’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, sneakers, blue jeans and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a champagne glass of pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates a few moments and walks into the lair*
Warlock: Watching Batman Forever with Thug D here inspired me to do a Don “Dragon” Wilson tribute.
*Thug D is in the recliner wearing a blue jean jacket with metal band patches, Pantera tshirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*
Thug D: Wasn’t he that kickboxer from the 80’s?
Warlock: You got it.
*Warlock takes a seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s begin Blackbelt.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Ex-cop protects a singer from a psycho serial killer.”
Thug D: Sounds like nothing I’ve ever heard before.
D: Never heard of any of these guys
*John Sweet (Maththias Hues) leads a lady to a hotel room*
D: The hell with the room, let’s do it right here.
*Sweet says he forgot something at the bar*
D: Look at the size of his nose.
*Sweet walks down the hall and knocks on a door. He kills everyone in the room as the girl strips in the other room*
D: Sex and violence, literally.
*Sweet goes back to the girl and pulls out a mini radio*
Warlock: Not exactly Detroit Rock City.
*Sweet: Want to play a game?” She takes her top off*
Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.
*4 hookers walk around. A black one refuses and her pimp beats her up until Jack Dillon (Don “The Dragon” Wilson) saves the day by beating him up and kicking him in the junk*
D: Get your mullet and get the fuck out of here.
*Luannne (Mychelle Dangerfield) is rescued by Dillon. Her mother tries to pay him and he says “Keep it, I don’t charge for taking out the garbage”
Warlock: Garbage Dayyyyyyy
*Shanna (Deidre Imershein) and the Bad Girls croons*
D: Yeah, they got “Bad” right.
Warlock: Cover your ears.
*John Sweet fantasizes about Shanna and goes backstage at the bar she’s crooning at. He goes into the dressing room and starts sniffing her clothes*
Warlock: Sniffing around, literally.
*He leaves behind a queen of spades and goes through her purse for her address*
*Reporters ask if Shanna is touring in Europe*
D: Oh sure, start World War 3
*Eddie DeAngelo (Richard Beymer) has mob connections. Shanna finds a severed finger and screams*
Warlock: Mind if I eat?
*Dillon teaches a karate class*
D: You know a story would work out right about now.
*Karate student takes Jack down. Meanwhile Barbara Glenn (Barbara A Graham) introduces Shanna who doesn’t want to be there*
Warlock: Throw her out.
*Lt Will Sturges (Alan Blumenfeld) sent her there. They need protection from a psycho serial killer. Jack says he used to be a cop but quit for unknown reasons. She doesn’t like cops because her father raped her. “Did your father rape you?”
D: “Actually yes”
*Carl shows Jack the crime scene from earlier. Jack surveys the damage*
D: Stop moving your leg, you’re supposed to be dead.
*Jack sees the hooker from earlier*(
D: So far I don’t care, this movie’s giving me nothing.
*Jack hasn’t had breakfast yet. He finds the dead hooker*
D: “My fifth wife!”
*Shanna sees the hooker and cries*
Warlock: She’s gonna shit her pants.
*They talk in the car*’
D: I wonder if they’re going to have sex in the movie.
Warlock: I’d be shocked if they don’t.
*Shanna “My real name is Carrie”
D: I’ll forget that in five minutes.
*Shanna takes her shirt off*
Warlock: This movie just got better.
*The doorbell rings, Jack answers*
Warlock: “Gahhhh who’s that?”
*Will Sturges walks in*
D: “I gotcha a role in Batman Forever”
*Jack runs off*
D: I guarantee you’ll never see product placement in these kinds of movies.
Warlock: They’d go bankrupt.
*Dillon hits up a seedy bar. The patrons jumps him and he beats everybody up singlehandedly*
D: One rule in action movies, don’t go into bars.
Warlock: Every movie, somebody is looking for somebody and it ends up a brawl.
*Jack wipes out the whole bar and finds a playing card. The bartender says the killer’s name is John Sweet*
D: This was pretty badly choreographed.
*The bartender says the playing card is a Vietnam War thing*
Warlock: In VietNAM
D: Talk about pointless crap.
*Jack goes to the studio and Shanna says the song is called “Love Rocket”
D: The song is called “I’m a slut”
*Bobby Machado (Jack Forcinito) is Shanna’s boyfriend. He’s unimpressed. DeAngelo shows up and slaps Bobby around, he says Shanna is safe*
Warlock: I don’t believe you.
*Dillon says he busted DeAngelo for money laundering 5 years earlier. DeAngelo “You’re pushing me Jack.” Dillon “So push back.”
D: Sure thing slut.
*Shanna shoots the video for Love Rocket*
D: More shitty music.
Warlock: I can dance better than that.
D: “Gives me the runs”
Warlock: Ace Frehley would be appalled.
*Up in the booth DeAngelo is having a conversation*
D: “This can’t be real can it? This shit!”
*DeAngelo gives Bobby a tongue lashing saying he doesn’t want to lose her. Her contract is up in two days. If she doesn’t sign tomorrow he’s taking matters into his own hands*
Warlock: There’s your story….a half hour into it.
*Jack watches another music video*
Warlock: Another shitty song, this is torture.
*Barbara “Are you in love with her yet?”
*Barbara is wearing baggy clothes. Meanwhile Shanna walks out yelling at Bobby. He slaps her but she stops Jack from interfering*
Warlock: What a loser.
*Bobby storms out. Shanna “The front door will be locked when you get back!”
Warlock: That’s not gonna help, he probably has a key.
*Shanna hits on Jack outside but he resists. She walks back inside and takes her jacket off, revealing herself*
Warlock: May want to go put a dent in that.
D: As she walks her away in her “respect me” look.
*Bobby and DeAngelo talk about what to do about Jack. DeAngelo says he loses 2 million dollars if she doesn’t sign. He threatens Bobby if she doesn’t sign. DeAngelo “That bitch isn’t going to sign. Set up a hit.” Dino (John P Menese) is to bring back her ring finger*
Warlock: No love for the middle finger.
*The hit team storms Shanna’s house with John Sweet in tow. Jack is waiting and he wipes out the mobsters*
D: Home Alone, the rated R version.
*Jack wipes out a few more guys*
D: Damn that dude had a fuckin raccoon on his head.
*Shanna nearly gets stabbed with a knife. Jack runs in and kicks the guy out the window*
D: So much for the ponytail gang.
*John Sweet looks at Dillon but does nothing and walks away*
Warlock “Fuck this, I’m leaving”
*The cops show up and Sturges with them. “Its quite a mess”
Warlock: We’ll be lucky if anybody survive.
*Dillon says 3 of the mob men were killed by Sweet to protect Shanna*
Warlock: Lonewolf Louie over there.
*Jack trains with a bob and weave bag as Shanna walks up to him*
D: Now its time to stare at his muscles.
*Sturges brings Dillon on a ridealong, Will calls someone a pinhead*
D: He jut beeped a horn.
*Sturges gives Sweet’s background. He immigrated when he was 10. His mother was raped and killed in front of him when he was 12, he killed the rapist with his known wife. He joined the special forces and became a martial arts expert*
Warlock: He’s a seriously disturbed ex-special forces guy.
*Sturges and Dillon interrogate the warehouse manager while he’s making out with his secretary*
D: “I thought you just needed a piece of gum, not my underwear*
*They intimidate him into giving Sweet’s location away*
Warlock: He really doesn’t like Angola.
*Rene (Mitchell Bobrow) can find Sweet*
Warlock: Ha, Bobrow the martial arts champion.
*Sturges and Dillon leave after smashing the place up.*
Warlock: Awww man, 45 minutes left?
*Sweet listens to Shanna sing. Basically Shanna reminds him of his mother who was a lounge singer*
Warlock: Well at least it makes sense now.
*Sweet trains while pounding a heavy bag, his mother sings the song Shanna sings now. We get a flashback of his mother putting a ring on her finger, kissing young Sweet and saying he’ll be her new husband.*
Warlock: This just got 7 levels of fucked up.
D: So he banged his mother?
*Sweet beats up Rene and Rene taunts Jack saying Sweet will kill him.Next frame its revealed in a flashback that his mother wasn’t raped bu a rapist, Sweet killed him as a jealous lover*
Warlock: Sooooo fucked up.
*Strurges pulls a 44 mag*
Warlock: HE’S GOT A GUN!!!!
*Jack and Will storm Sweet’s complex. Jack kicks the window in*
*Sweet kills Sturges as Jack busts through the window. Sweet steals the police badge and throws a playing card at him*
Warlock: Are we supposed to care he’s dead?
D: He wasn’t THAT bad of a character.
*Dillon turns the music off*
Warlock: Time to change the record.
*Mullavey (Bob McFarland) asks if Jack is going to be okay*
Warlock: “Got some Drano I can drink?”
D: Yeah, I just saved money on my car insurance.
*Jack reports to Shanna that Sweet killed Will. Shanna “Is there anything I can do?”
Warlock: Take his shirt off.
*DeAngelo gives Jeremy (Charles Philip Monroe) a tongue lashing for letting Shanna go. He wants Shanna dead by 10 PM and he’ll kill him if he doesn’t get the job done. Once Jeremy leaves, DeAngelo says he doesn’t trust them. DeAngelo calls and hires Sweet, meanwhile Shanna sings again*
D: This song again.
*Jack says Sweet knows the song she’s singing. She asks what he’s gonna do. Jack “I’m gonna take him out”
D: “I’m gonna take him out then I’m gonna take you up the ass.”
*Barbara drives to San Fransisco and walks in the door of her house*
D: Well she’s about to die.
*Sweet corners Barbara and she screams. We cut to another video shoot*
Warlock: Oh good, at least we don’t have to hear it.
*DeAngelo mills around as Jeremy pulls up. Bobby walks downstairs and apologizes to Jack*
Warlock: A face turn?
*Bobby says she likes the rough stuff. Jack “If you lay your hands on her again, I’m gonna break them off and shove them down your throat” Bobby drags Shanna upstairs and threatens her. She runs out and says “Let’s split” They drive off and Jeremy follows them*
Warlock: Hi Jeremy.
*Jack’s car flips over as Jeremy and his crew shoot up the car with nobody in it since Jack and Shanna got away*
Warlock: These guys are idiots.
*Jack starts capping mobsters in a warehouse*
Warlock: He missed him point blank.
D: Its like GI Joe, a thousand lazers going around and nobody gets hit.
Warlock: That sounds like A-Team
*Sunglasses dude gets shot up with his own gun*
D: If you weren’t wearing sunglasses you would have saw that.
Warlock:25 minutes of torture left.
*Jack shoots the rest of the mobsters. Meanwhile DeAngelo is about to toast to Shanna’s death when Jack busts in and takes everyone out hand to hand. DeAngelo sicks Frank Ellis (Brad Hefton) on him. Jack says he saw him fight in New York and he was great. Frank gives him a chance to leave and DeAngelo complains, Frank says he’ll do things his way. Obviously Jack refuses and they fight*
Warlock: I would have loved to this fight for real.
*DeAngelo shoots Frank dead and Jack beats the shit out of him.DeAngelo goes for the gun and Jack breaks his jaw with a kick*
*Jack and Shanna kiss*
Warlock: Here comes your pointless sex scene.
D: I’d hit it.
*Jack and Shanna have a sex scene*
D: Come on you shmucks, do something!
*Jack wakes up in the middle of the night, Bobby is there. He catches them in bed. He goes to hit Jack but Jack breaks his nose with a right cross. Shanna yells at him and Jack leaves. Meanwhile the doorbell rings. Shanna opens the door and its Sweet*
*Sweet rams Bobby through a wall*
D: I am Lord Vigo!
*Jack comes back and finds Bobby dead and Shanna gone. A playing card says “Your place”
Warlock: Time for the big finale.
*Jack drives to the dojo. Rene is there and tells Sweet that Jack is on his way*
Warlock: I haven’t seen one black belt yet.
*Sweet ties up Shanna as Jack makes it to his dojo, Sweet “Mother, your maid of honor” and he pulls out Barbara’s ring finger*
Warlock: Oooooh yeah.
*Rene has a whole crew of men ready to jump Jack. He fights them off one by one*
Warlock: Hahahah why don’t they just gang jump him?
*Jack continues to beat up all the henchmen*
Warlock: Just gang rush him, one on one don’t work. Nice Bruce Lee stomp.
*Jack dispatches everyone as Sweet cuts his own finger off*
*Jack and Sweet fight, Jack’s blows have no effect. They brawl in the dojo and finally Jack starts to wear him down. Shanna frees herself. Sweet punches her and he drops his sword. Jack kicks him as Shanna picks up the sword and impales him. Jack “You can go home now”
Warlock: Yeah, just forget this ever happened.
*Jack kisses Shanna and they leave, end credits*
Warlock: We made it, hooray, hooray!
D: That was some smelly trash.
Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 2 out of 10, makes No Retreat, No Surrender look like Enter The Dragon. That was trash, smelly smelly trash.
Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 4 out of 10…I liked the sex and violence but not much plot. Horrible soundtrack to boot. That was a turd.
Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – Trash
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Of all the Don Wilson movies out there, that could possibly be the worst. Its a shame because the title implies some kind of martial arts tournament could go down. Instead we got this…this…
Warlock: Yes, exactly. I take it you dont want to see another Dragon Wilson movie?
D: Hell no.
Warlock: Well that wraps up the Don Wilson tribute…after one movie. Have a pleasant evening.