634. The Princess (2022)

*The Warlock is on a skype call with Mr. Wallstreet in his lair*

W: Well since you don’t have to send movies anymore, is there anything you’d want to recommend since you’re out of a job?

Wa: Shut your trap, Lock. There’s going to be movies that aren’t on any app you’re going to be begging me for and you know it.

W: Whatever, any suggestions today?

Wa: Yeah, a new movie just came out today on Hulu.

W: What is it?

Wa: Its called THE PRINCESS. Its a fantasy story of a princess who gets locked up by a rich suitor and she has to fight her way out.

W: Ah, so in today’s supposedly progressive world there’s no knight in shining armor, she’s just going to beat up everyone herself?

Wa: Looks like that’s the point.

W: You sonofabitch, I’m in.

Wa: Enjoy.

*Warlock ends the call, reads the page on the movie and spins around*

W: Welcome to the lair for another edition of Warlock’s Movie Realm. With the exception of School Ties I’ve had a real string of movies that have come out in the last year or so but tonight’s flick literally just came out today. The 2022 fantasy drama THE PRINCESS. Joey King stars as a princess who’s father the King has a good ol fashioned pre-arranged marriage to a nefarious rich lord. When she refuses, the asshole kidnaps her and it becomes a fight for her life. Like Mr. Wallstreet was alluding to, this is 2022 so there’s no more princes, kings or Robin Hoods to come save her, she’s going to beat the bad guys all on her own. The good newsis THE PRINCESS is only 94 minutes long so if it sucks, at least its short. Who knows, maybe it’ll actually be good. The only way to find out is to shut up and push play. So grab your popcorn, grab your drink and grab your woman because its time for THE PRINCESS.

Written by Ben Lustig and Jake Thornton

Directed by Le-Van Kiet

Cast:

Joey King	…	The Princess
	Olga Kurylenko	…	Moira
	Antoni Davidov	…	Merc Leader
	Radoslav Parvanov	…	Merc Brute
	Ludmil Kehayov	…	Merc #3
	Katelyn Rose Downey	…	Violet
	Alex Reid	…	The Queen
	Ed Stoppard	…	The King
	Kristofer Kamiyasu	…	Khai
	Fergus O’Donnell	…	Kurr
	Ivan Vodenicharov	…	Merc Horseman #1
	Mitko Angelov	…	Merc Horseman #2 (as Mitko Dalakov)
	Apostol Tenev	…	Merc Horseman #3
	Dominic Cooper	…	Julius
	Vasil Toshev	…	Death Guard
	Dawn Sherrer	…	Noblewoman
	Veronica Ngo	…	Linh
	Lyubomir Neikov	…	Priest
	Ivan Kostadinov	…	Horned Merc
	Allegra du Toit	…	Young Princess
	Todor Kirilov Georgiew	…	Heavy Merc (as Todor Kirilov)
	Milko Yovchev	…	Royal Residence Merc 1
	Adam Othman	…	Royal Residence Merc 5
	Vasil Vitanov	…	Royal Residence Merc 4
	Ioan Karamfilov	…	Royal Residence Merc 3
	Rossen Penchev	…	Royal Residence Merc 6
	Velislav Pavlov	…	Royal Residence Merc 2
	Todor Todorov	…	Tin Man
	Deyan Angelov	…	Harsh Merc #1
	Zahari Grozdanov	…	Harsh Merc #2
	Max Kraus	…	Kitchen Merc #1
	Ulyana Chan	…	Female Cook
	Ivan Panev	…	Male Cook
	Younes Boutinane	…	Kitchen Merc #2
	Jean-Adrien Espiasse	…	Kitchen Merc #3 (as Jean Adrien Espiasse)
	Boyan Anev	…	Cowboy Merc #3
	Stanislav Satko	…	Cowboy Merc #1
	Vladimir ‘Furdo’ Furdik	…	Cowboy Merc #2 (as Vladimir Fudrik)
	Hristo Dimitrov	…	Balsy Merc
	Billy Edwards	…	Merc Lookout
Rest of cast listed alphabetically:
	Ivo Arakov	…	Knight in Shining Armor (uncredited)
	Bozhidar Hristov	…	Additional Crew (uncredited)
	Julian Naidenov	…	Death guard (uncredited)
	Martin Taskov	…	Murk (uncredited)

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “When a strong-willed princess refuses to wed the cruel sociopath, she is kidnapped and locked in a remote tower of her father’s castle. With her vindictive suitor intent on taking her father’s throne, the princess must save the kingdom.

W: Imagine Princess Jasmine saying screw Aladdin, she’ll kill Jafar herself.