266. Going In Style (1979)

*The Warlock and The Grand Wizard are reading newspapers when Grand Wizard points out something he’s reading*

Wizard: Ha, they’re remaking Going In Style. It comes out next week and its got Michael Caine, Alan Arkin and Morgan Freeman in it.

Warlock: Its a remake?

Wizard: Yeah, the original came out 40 years ago starring George Burns.

Warlock: I haven’t seen the original.

Wizard: Why don’t we watch it then?

Warlock: Ok, might as well.

*The Warlock makes the DVD appear out of thin air and pops it into Wizard’s player*

Warlock: Alright, let’s get started with Going In Style.

 

Directed by Martin Brest

Written by Martin Brest and Edward Cannon

 

Cast:

Joe (George Burns)

Al (Art Carney)

Willie (Lee Strasberg)

Pete (Charles Hallahan)

Kathy (Pamela Payton-Wright)

Colleen (Siobhan Keegan)

Kevin (Brian Neville)

Boys in Park (Constantine Hartofolis, Matteo Cafiso)

Teller (Mary Testa)

Mrs. Fein (Jean Shevlin)

Hot Dog Vendor (James Manis)

Gypsy Cab Driver (Tito Goya)

Bank Guard (William Pabst)

Bank Manager (Christopher Wynkoop)

Businessmen (John McComb and Melvin Jurdem)

Moon (Joseph Sullivan)

Cab Driver (Bob Maroff)

Bellhop (Vivian Edwards)

Crap Dealers (Jim Tipton, Ron Gagliano, Victor Masi, Raymond Kernodle, Richard Teng, Patrick Donoho)

Waitress (Barbara Ann Miller)

Restaurant Cashier (Betty Bunch)

Hooker (Karen Montgomery)

Casino Cashier (Catherine L Billich)

Salesman (Robert J Zay)

Head FBI Agent (Anthony D Call)

FBI Agents (William Larson, Reathel Bean, Alan Brooks)

Prison Guards (Mark Margolis, Pedro E Ocampo Sr, Tony DiBenedetto)

Radio Announcers (Paul L Smith, Bruce Charles)

Store Cashier (Margot Stevenson)

Crap Table Woman (Angelique Pettyjohn)

Park Player (Ilana Rapp)

Cowboy (Tom Willett)

 

*The Grand Wizard reads the tag-line*

Wizard: “Three friends who are living on the dole decide to organize a bank robbery”

Warlock: And we thought the government is screwed up now, this was 40 years ago.

 

 

*Movie opens with still photosof the main actors when they were young*

W: That really is them when younger.

Wi: Black and white. Lee Strasberg was Hyman Roth.

 

*Al, Joe and Willie walk down the street*

Wi: Art Carney can barely walk.

 

*Willie feeds pigeons at the park as Al reads the paper*

W: The old newspapers.

 

*Al tells Willie pigeons bring disease, Willie says they never brought him disease*

Wa: Neyz would agree.

 

*Kid runs up to Joe and just looks at him. Joe “What the hell is wrong is with this kid?”

Wa and Wi: Hahahahha

 

*Joe snarls to get the hell out of here after saying he’s got a pisspot head*

Wa and Wi: Hahahaha

 

*Joe is mad the electric bill is $49. He blames Al and Al says Willie forgets to flush*

Wa: We’ve all been there.

 

*Bank security wheels bags of money to the vault, Willie watches intently*

Wa: Look at that.

Wi: Mmmhmm.

 

*Al sings while doing the dishes. Willie laments not buying a house 30 years earlier. Joe says he just hasn’t had an appetite lately. Al and Willie are concerned*

W: All three live together?

Wi: When you’re on fixed income you can’t afford much. Look at the government today.

 

*Joe gets up in the middle of the night and does some math. 237 times 36. Next morning Al pours tea for the others*

Wi: He’s plotting.

 

*Joe asks Al and Willie how they’re feeling. Joe says he can’t stand doing nothing anymore. He asks the others if they want to go on a stickup together*

Wi and Wa: Hahahaha

 

*Willie “What?”

Wi and Wa: Hahahaha

 

*Joe figures if they can hit a bank, combined with social security checks that they’d be set for life. Al says its a great idea but Willie is skeptical. Joe goes on a speech saying they have nothing to lose if they get caught or get away. Joe says hi to Ms. Fein and says they need guns. Willie is still skeptical but Al is in*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Al says his nephew Pete is a gun nut and he’ll ask him while babysitting. Joe says dont tell anyone anything. Bunch of kids play guns in the park*

Wa: Ah the good ol days.

 

*Al says they got four pistols, one of them is German*

Wi: A Luger?

 

*Joe says if they pull it off, Pete gets some money but if they get caught then they don’t squeal on him. Joe says banks are insured so they have nothing to really lose. Al says they can’t hit the local bank, they’re known there. Joe says they’ll go into the city tomorrow and look for targets*

W: I recognize the subway from The Warriors and Bananas.

 

*Joe, Al and Willie walk through New York City. Joe “Doesn’t anybody work anymore?”

Wi and Wa: Hahahahha

 

*Joe, Al and Willie walk into UMB and Joe says they only have one guard. They stop at a hotdog stand and Joe says lets splurge. Willie asks if it’ll work and Joe says it doesn’t matter, he feels like he’s 40 again*

Wi: Heh.

 

*The trio walk by trash can bangers on the street. Al dances a jig*

Wa: THAT’S Norton.

Wi: Yup.

 

*Al invites Joe to join in. He declines and Al continues*

Wi: He improvised that.

 

*The trio gets caught in the rain*

Wi: Oops.

 

*Joe plots their escape route. Al asks when they should do this, Joe says tomorrow*

Wa: Wasting no time.

 

*Joe, Al and Willie buy Groucho Marx disguises since they won’t see too well in real masks*

Wi: Look at the old cash register.

 

*Pete invites Al in to babysit the kids. Kathy the wife says hi as does Pete’s son. Al plays peekaboo with his great niece*

Wi: Isn’t she cute?

 

*Kathy tells her to show Al the pictures she drew upstairs. He sends her upstairs as he sneaks into the basement to steal the guns*

Wa: That’s one way to keep the family safe, don’t tell anyone he did it.

 

*Al wraps up the guns and the bullets in a newspaper. Later on he’s got the entire spread on the kitchen table. Joe asks if he had enough bullets, Al says he didn’t know which went with which gun so he grabbed them all. Joe runs through the plan and Willie asks what if they get shot? Joe “What’s the difference.”

W: Yeah really.

 

*Al wakes up in the middle of the night and spots Willie staring out a window. He can’t sleep*

Wi: Too excited.

 

*Willie tells a story about him spanking his son Bobby when he was little. They never had any fun after that and the kid died when he was 18. Willie laments it to this day, Al tells him to get some sleep*

Wa: That’s not even abuse, that’s discipline.

Wi: I got hit with a lot worse from my parents.

 

*Joe hits the alarm on his alarm clock*

Wa: Look at that old clock radio.

Wi: Look at the size of this thing.

 

*The trio tries to match up the bullets to the guns*

Wa: Hahahaha

 

*Joe goes to do the pistol spin and the bullets fly out. Joe “That’s not it, let’s start over.”

Wi and Wa: Hahahhaa

 

*The trio dresses in horrible looking suits and fedora hats*

Wi: He said to wear stuff you can throw away.

 

*The trio walks across the street and a van almost runs them over*

Wa: Oh geez.

Wi: Look how brisk their steps are now. It would take them a month days earlier.

 

*Ad on the bus for Roosevelt Raceway*

Wi: That is New York.

 

*Joe bullshits a cab driver to take them to Manhattan. Driver says its a $30 fare. Joe says that’s a lot but fine*

Wi: Manhattan.

Wa: Is that the George Washington?

Wi: Yes.

 

*Cabbie pulls up to the bank but the trio start getting cold feet. They get out and put their disguises on. Willie breaks his so he holds it up with his hand*

Wa: HAhahaha.

 

*Al holds up the guard as Joe tells everyone its a stickup. The manager comes out and laughs at him. Joe shoots the clock on the wall and everyone drops down*

W: Little show of force never hurts.

Wi: Those old bills.

 

*Willie spots two men in the corner and he makes them get on the ground. Joe and Willie clean out the registers. Joe insults the manager*

W: Hahahaha. Plus there were barely any cameras in 1979 right?

Wi: He needs to close the bag.

 

*Joe says that’s it and time to go. They run out into the street and hop in the cab*

W: That went well.

Wi: Mhmm.

 

*The trio exit the cab and Joe pays off the guy before they run down to the subway. Al stops to get tokens and Joe says he’s got the tokens already. Joe transfers the money from the duffel bag to a brown paper bag before throwing the duffel bag away. Willie tries to pick up loose cash that the train wind blew around, Joe tells him to forget it*

W: I think the actor was legit laughing.

 

*The trio counts the money. Joe says he’s got 11.5 grand, Al has 9.8 and Willie as 14 grand. Joe figures out they got 35.5 grand out of it. Willie says they should have hit the safe too. Joe says they need to split up the money so they can’t be traced. Al says he’ll keep it at his nephew’s house.”

W: Something has to go wrong, there’s still 47 minutes left.

 

*Willie, Al and Joe listen to their heist on the news and the old people’s society says to blame the government, not the old timers. Al says Pete never new the guns were gone and he’s stashed the money*

Wi: There’s no soundtrack to this movie really. A real throwback to letting the dialogue do the talking.

 

*Willie starts convulsing*

Wi: Is he having the big one or just crying?

 

*Ambulance is shown*

Wi: He IS having the big one.

 

*Al and Joe are in the waiting room. Joe is on the phone with Mr. Bender, Willie has died*

W: Oh shit…..

 

*Joe says they need to make arrangements. He’ll pay in cash*

W: Well this movie just turned.

 

*Pete and Kathy pull up to Al And Joe on the street. Pete asks if they’re ok and volunteers to house Al for a few days. Joe says to go for it and Al agrees. Al asks if Joe’s going to be ok and Joe says he’ll be fine. Pete invites Joe too but Joe says he appreciates the offer but he’d rather be alone. They all drive off as Joe returns home*

Wa: There’s 50 minutes left, how is this going to progress from here?

Wi: Went from living with three guys to just him.

 

*Joe goes into his closet and pulls out a box of old photos*

W: Those actually are his old pictures.

 

*Joe goes to the bathroom lamenting that he just pissed himself*

W: He was 83 years old, Art Carney was 60. Either Carney looks a lot older than he was or George looked good for his age.

 

*At the closed casket funeral, Al goes off with his family as Joe sits with Willie’s casket alone. Pete’s great nephew Kevin is going into third grade. Joe says they should give Pete 25 grand and keep 10 for themselves. Al wants to talk to Pete alone*

W: Ive seen the actor before but I can’t remember where.

Wi: He was in Pale Rider.

W: The Thing! He was Norris.

Wi: That’s right.

 

*Al tells Pete that Willie left them a $25K insurance policy and they want him and his family to have it as long as he gives them $20 a week. Pete says sure*

Wi: Jesus Christ look how crowded the cemetary is. Then again its New York, it is an island.

 

*Al and Joe lament that Willie never got to spend the dough. Al says what were they gonna do with the money anyways? Joe says they should go to Las Vegas or Hawaii*

Wa: 40 minutes left, something else has to happen.

 

*Al and Joe both say they’ve never been on a plane before. They pack up and get in a cab. They don’t know what airport to go to*

W: They don’t know where theyre going.

Wi: The big one would be Laguardia in those days.

 

*Al and Joe get nervous taking off*

Wa: HAhahaha

 

*Las Vegas is shown*

Wi: I stayed at the Flamingo

Wa: I won a glass there once.

 

*Al and Joe walk around the casino*

Wi: In those days they paid out in quarters, long before paper. You had to walk around carrying cups.

 

*Al listens to a crap dealer and asks Joe if he understands any of that*

W: That’s why they call it a crap shot, just roll with it.

 

*Joe wants $2,500 worth of chips. He tells Al just pick up the dice and throw them. Joe bets a hundred. Al rolls a 5 and the dealer says he has to hit the end roll. Joe bets another two hundred and Al rolls another 5. Joe bets another 300 and Al wins again. Joe bets 500 and Al wins. Joe wants to bet a grand but they won’t let him. He starts betting money all over the place. Al continues to win*

Wa: In real life hed never have this kind of luck.

Wi: Of course not.

 

*Al asks how much they won and Joe says he cant lift it all. Al asks if Willie would have enjoyed it and Joe says he set this all up. Later Joe and Al order at the restaurant and they order the same thing. Joe says they should go to a girlie show but Al says he’s tired. Joe says they’re too old for this nonsense*

Wa: Sad part of life.

 

*Willie looks at a slot machine and puts a single quarter in. He loses but a blonde woman looks at him. He starts playing with the slot machine to make her laugh*

W: There goes his laundry money.

 

*They play kissy face with each other until Joe from behind tells her off. Back at the tables Al needs a six to win and he throws a 6. Joe says they had 30 grand won 20 minutes earier. Joe says they should cash out and count the winnings after one more roll. Al asks how much they got and Joe says he’ll tell him later. They get the chips counted and they’ve won almost 62 grand. Joe says they’ve won 73 grand total and need to get out of there before the house takes them. Joe asks the casino manager for an oversized bag with a lock on it. The teller wants to pay in check and Al and Joe just want cash instead. They pile the cash into their clothes bag and watch it like hawks*

W: They got to watch it like hawks.

 

*Al says they should have stayed the night but Joe says this is the right thing to do. Al says he wont be able to sleep because he doesn’t trust planes without propellers*

Wi: Ha.

 

*Al and Joe return home and start pulling cash from every orfice and pocket they have. Al lies down on the bet and Joe sits down before pulling out more cash. Joe says Al was great back there*

W: Yeah really.

 

*Joe says it felt like they lived two lives, one before the robbery and one after Joe can’t sleep so he pours himself tea and listens to the radio. Joe is mad the police chiefs called them amateurs. Joe goes to Al’s room and tells him to wake up. Al doesn’t move*

Wi: That’s it, Al’s done.

 

*Joe can’t get Al to wake up. He’s dead*

Wa: Wow….

 

*Joe cries and goes to see Pete. He tells him that Al is at home. He wants to talk to Pete alone. Joe tells Pete that HE was behind the robbery. Pete doesn’t believe him until Joe says they went to Vegas and cleaned them out. He dumps the cash out and Pete finally believes it*

W and Wi: HAhahaha

 

*Joe tells Pete that Al is dead. Pete starts crying*

Wa: Damn.

 

*Pete asks Joe what now and Joe says he’s got the arrangements in order. He needs Pete’s help because he has a feeling they screwed up. He wants Pete to stash the money first thing in the morning. He says don’t tell the cops anything if they show up because they’ll think its all stolen*

W: Good plan..why do I think it’ll fail?

 

*Joe returns home*

Wa: He was the oldest of the three and outlasted them all.

Wi: But now he’s all alone and that’s a heavy burden.

Wa: That’s why its called Going In Style. One drops dead after a bank robbery, the other after cleaning out Las Vegas.

 

*Joe does the dishes*

Wi: Doing the dishes before they go out. Look, Comet, Joy, all the old products.

 

*Joe checks everything before he leaves*

Wi: Looking around like he ain’t coming back.

 

*Joe walks down the street in a suit and someone follows him. Two plainclothes cops arrest him*

Wa: Saw that coming.

Wi: Takes nine of them to arrest him?

 

*Joe in the car “Thats it boys, they got us. Looks like I’ll be living a third life.” Bob Jensen at the station is going to try to get him to confess. Joe says he buried the money and he’s never going to say where. Jensen tries to bullshit him to get him to confess so he gets off clean. Joe asks a cop for an extra piece of gum*

Wa: Hahahaha.

 

*Joe thinks about it and tells Jensen to get the hell out of here, he gives Joe a headache*

Wi and Wa: Hahahahha

 

*Pete visits Joe in jail. Pete is nervous they may bag him*

Wa: He’s afraid they’ll arrest him too.

 

*Joe is led to Pete in normal clothes*

Wi: Well he doesnt have stripes.

 

*Pete tell Joe that Kathy sends her love. Pete didn’t let her or the kids in on it. Joe laments not being able to go to Al’s funeral. Pete says he talked with the lawyer about it and they’re gonna come down hard on him if he doesn’t return the money. Joe says forget it. Pete says to just return the stolen money and Joe says hell no, Al and Willie would have died for nothing. Joe goes on a speech saying he’s better off in jail than outside anyway, tells Kathy and the kids to enjoy their inheritence. The guard leads Joe away and Joe says “And besides, no tinhorn joint like this could ever hold me*

Wi and Wa: Hahahahaha

 

*Joe returns to his cell, end credits*

Wi: That was good.

 

 

The Grand Wizard has no assessment

The Warlock’s Assessment: That was a fun little dark comedy.  I give it a 6.5 out of 10.

Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very Good

 

*Warlock rises from his chair*

W: Well that was darker than I thought it was going to be but it was a lot of fun. It had a lot of classic humor and it stayed true to the title. Al and Willie dying and Joe having to spend the rest of his days in jail really meant “Going in style” so props to the writer for keeping it true. It had a small cast and everyone played their part well. The only drawback is that apart from Joe, Al and Willie didn’t really have their own personality. Art Carney did his best to bring his 1940’s and 50’s comedy style out but in terms of dialogue, Willie and Al were no different. Still, they played their parts well and it was a fun 98 minutes to sit through. There were points where I wondered what was left for a story and they delievered every time to keep my interest. All in all its a fun little movie and I recommend seeing this as well as checking out the remake when it comes out. That about wraps up another goodtastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.

 

265. Viva Las Vegas (1964)

*The Warlock hears the doorbell ring and goes to answer it. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and Gargoyle shades*

Warlock: About time.

*Warlock opens the door*

W: What in the name of god are you wearing?

*Mr. America walks in wearing a white Elvis jumpsuit with slick backed hair and pink sunglasses*

A: Thank you, thank you very much.

W: Care to explain? Honky Tonk Man.

A: I’m picking the movie today and we’re watching Viva Las Vegas!

W: Wait, since when do you like Elvis?

A: Shaddup and watch it!

*America goes to put the dvd in*

W: What…wait….oh, okay.

A: You’re gonna love Ann Margret in this.

W: Ann Margret?

A: Yeah, she was hot.

W: I’ve only known her as an old lady in the last 25 years.

A: Wait, you’ll see.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch with America in the recliner*

W: Tonight we’re watching Viva Las Vegas. The 1964 movie about Elvis hitting up Vegas. So let’s get started.

 

Written by Sally Benson

Directed by George Sidney

 

Cast:

Lucky Jackson (Elvis Presley)

Rusty Martin (Ann Margaret)

Count Elmo Mancini (Cesare Danova)

Mr. Martin (William Demarest)

Shorty Farnsworth (Nicky Blair)

Driver (Robert Aiken)

Wedding Guest (Don Anderson)

Sons of the Lone Star State (Larry Barton, William Burnside, Harry Fleer, Claude Hall, Lance LeGault, Mark Russell, Red West)

Dancer in red dress (Tony Basil)

Dancer in pink (Lori Williams)

Jugglers (Carl and Ruth Carlsson)

Showgirls (Regina Carrol, Bambi Hamilton, Ingeborg Kjeldsen, Beverly Powers, Kay Sutton)

Maitre’D (Steve Carruthers)

Casino Performer (Jack Carter)

Guards (Taggert Casey, Brad Logan)

Swingers manager (George Cisar)

Bartender (George DeNormand)

Starter (Howard Curtis)

Mr Baker (Roy Engel)

Race Announcer (Alan Fordney)

Female Dancers (Teri Garr, Kay Tapscott)

Male Dancers (James Hibbard, Dallas Johann, Christopher Riordan)

Mechanic (Barnaby Hale)

Casino Patrons (John Hart, Pete Kellett, George Klein, Kent McCord, William Meader, Mike Ragan, Fred Rapport, Reb Sawitz)

Waitress #1 (Connie Hermida)

Resort Guest (George Hoagland)

Race Officials (Jimmie Horan, Larry Kent)

The Jubilee Four (Themselves)

Waiter (Joseph La Cava)

Delivery Boy (Rickey Murray)

Big Gus Olson (Robert Nash)

Cowboys (Murray Pollack, Clark Ross, Bernard Sell)

Resort Guest (Paul Power)

MC (Eddie Quillan)

Francois (Francis Ravel)

Show Spectator (Leoda Richards)

Resort Guest (Bert Stevens)

Head Captain (Ivan Triesault)

Swanson (Robert B Williams)

 

*America reads the tag-line*

America: “Race car driver Lucky Jackson goes to Las Vegas to earn money to pay for a new engine for his motor car. Working as a waiter, he still finds the time to court young Rusty Martin.”

Warlock: He goes to Vegas to earn money? Doesn’t everyone go there to lose money?

 

*Opening credits to Viva Las Vegas by Elvis*

W: Do you like this song?

A: Yeah.

 

*The Mint is shown*

W: Wonder if they’ll show the Stardust.

 

*The Stardust is shown*

W: There it is. That’s the casino the movie Casino is based on.

 

*The Flamingo is shown*

W: Bugsy Siegel’s original Flamingo.

 

*Lucky Jackson walks through a casino*

W: That woman in white needs to sit on me.

A: What??

 

*Lucky plays Craps*

W: He’s gonna win isn’t he?

 

*We cut to Mr. Swanson and some mechanic. Lucky is gonna race*

W: Guess we’ll never know.

 

*Lucky drives into Baker’s garage*

W: The car looks awful.

A: Not the one he’s towing.

 

*Lucky talks to Elmo Mancini*

W: So Elvis based his entire gimmick on The Honky Tonk Man right?

A: Oyyyyyyy

 

*Elmo wants Lucky to block for him in the next race, Lucky says no HE’S gonna win*

W: Shake and Bake goes to hell.

 

*Rusty Martin makes her entrance*

W: Wow, Ann Margaret WAS hot back in the day.

 

*Rusty’s car won’t start, Lucky and Elmo run to fix it. The motor is broken and Lucky says it’ll take a day to fix, Elmo says two*

W: Haha nice.

 

*Lucky gets into Rusty and says he’ll be back as Elmo moves in. Lucky goes to take his jumpsuit off as Elmo fixes the car and Rusty drives off*

A: You let her get away!

 

*Elmo says they have no time for girls, they got a race to win*

W: What about after?

A: Now they’re gonna have to go find her.

 

*Elmo watches the showgirls with Lucky*

A: There’s your showgirl credits.

 

*Showgirls dance a number*

W: None of them is Rusty.

 

*Lucky and Elmo hit up another show with all Asian girls*

W: That ain’t it.

A: No.

 

*The Stardust has a  show with wmen in masks*

W: Good luck identifiying them.

 

*The Flamingo has booty dancers in pink*

A: I like how they’re no longer sitting in the crowd, they’re just awkwardly standing in front of the stage.

 

*Lucky and Elmo hit up The Sahara looking for Rusty. Security throws them out*

A: That’s great.

 

*Lucky and Elmo hit up the Sons of The Lone Star State*

W: All men, this won’t help.

 

*Lucky grabs two guns and starts shooting the air to get everyone’s attention*

W: Now he’d get thrown out for that.

A: He’d be arrested.

W: If it rains, they’re screwed.

 

*Lucky starts singing The Yellow Rose of Texas as everyone line dances*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Lucky leads a conga line of all the Sons out the door*

W: Haha brilliant.

 

*Lucky and Elmo get a hotel together and Rusty just so happens to teaching kids how to dive in a pool*

W: Found her.

 

*Lucky says he’s going to LA and grabs the guitar before Elmo notices her outside too*

W: Beat you to it.

 

*Lucky tries to hit on her but she shuns his advances. She goes to the ladies room and Lucky plays the guitar and sings outside the door*

W: The PC crowd would say this is rape, fuck them.

 

*Rusty sings as she dresses*

W: Is that her actual voice?

A: I think so.

W: Wow.

 

*Lucky loses Rusty as he sings*

A: Where’d she go?

 

*He asks her out through song and she rejects him*

A: I really love the scene because the back and forth is hilarious.

 

*Rusty pushes Lucky into the pool*

W: Ruined a perfectly good guitar.

 

*Elmo laughs at him as a kid puts money down the drain*

A: That was money for the engine.

 

*Lucky doesn’t have the money for the engine, its gone*

W: Good call. He should shoot that kid.

 

*Elmo tries his luck with Rusty*

W: Now this guy?

 

*Shorty and Lucky have to work for the Casino since he lost the money. He blows off Elmo but Rusty is sorry he lost it. He asks her out again and she says no*

W: He won’t quit will he?

A: Nope.

 

*He finally gets her to say yes. He wants to go dancing with her*

W: His dancing caused a lot of wet seats in his prime.

 

*Rusty dances in see through tights*

W: Holy fuck she’s hot.

A: Yah….I told you.

 

*Lucky performs for Rusty’s dance class*

W: I want the soundtrack.

 

*Rusty booty shakes*

W: Woah…

A: Yeah….

W: Those are fucking see through.

A: I told you she was hot.

 

*Rusty starts joining him onstage*

A: The song is Come On Everybody

W: Got it.

 

*Rusty does various fun things with Lucky*

W: I like how they montaged this.

 

*Rusty and Lucky do a mock old west duel with her in short shorts*

W: Woah.

 

*Lucky falls down dead*

W: Too bad he really did die young.

 

*Rusty gives a history of the Hoover Dam in a helicopter*

W: Actually educational.

 

*Rusty and Lucky go water-skiing*

W: Where they getting the money for all this?

 

*Rusty says she’s from Dubuque*

W: Iowa.

 

*Rusty said her father worked on the Dam, liked it and stayed. She’s bounced around*

W: That’s kinda sad.

 

*Rusty’s father Mr. Martin runs a boatyard and likes to work for himself. Lucky says quite like him. Mr. Martin walks in and they shake hands*

W: Gotta impress the dad.

 

*Mr. Martin wants him over for lunch but Lucky says he’s got to get the copter back. His buddy is an old Air Force friend. He leaves and Lucky says he doesn’t want the day to end. She’s got to go change*

W: I’d love to see her change.

A: Settle down Beavis.

 

*Lucky sits at a piano and sings Today, Tomorrow and Forever*

A: Give you my hearttttt

W: YOU settle down, Beavis.

 

*The Jubilee Four performs*

W: My grandmother knew of these guys.

 

*Jubilee Four plays What I say*

W: I love this song.

 

*Lucky performs What I Say*

W: Its not Ray Charles but I’ll take it.

 

*Rusty shakes to the song*

W: Oh fuck yeah.

 

*Extras dance, one guy spazzes*

W: Look at this idiot over here.

A: Hahaha.

 

*Woman in red dress performs*

W: That’s Tony Basil shaking her ass. She did the song Hey Mickey.

A: Wow, she was hot here.

 

*Choreographe dance routine*

W: Wow that was good.

 

*Elmo pulls up in his race car to say hi to Rusty*

W: Too late bud.

 

*Lucky shows up and steals her away*

W: Haha

 

*Rusty and Lucky are towed in the race car as it goes down the highway*

W: Hahahaha

A: Yeah, that’s one way to get the car moving.

 

*Rusty and Lucky share their hopes and dreams*

W: Halfway through the movie.

A: What do you think so far?

W: I’m digging it. I never knew Ann Margaret to be hot, I’ve only seen her as an old lady in movies the past 25 years.

A: I told you!

 

*Lucky sends Rusty an actual tree*

W: Well you got 45 minutes to win him back.

 

*Mr. Martin says he and the tree can both get lit up by Christma*

W and A: Hahahaha

 

*Rusty looks for Lucky but runs into Elmo. He asks her out and she says no. Meanwhile Shorty says Elmo paid off their debt. Elmo says he entered Lucky into a contest. The winner gets $2,500. Rusty is in the contest and tells Lucky she hopes he loses. She accepts Elmo’s invitation out*

W: Ouch.

 

*Rusty meets Elmo dressed in all pink*

W: Guess they had to do this part.

 

*Lucky crashes the date between the two. Elmo says he’d give up racing for her. Lucky continues to interfere. She insults Lucky and he doses them both in champaigne*

W and A: Hahahaha

 

*Lucky trips Shorty on his way in. Elmo is pissed*

W: All this mayhem.

 

*Lucky sings outside and Elmo tries making moves on Rusty*

W: This just got awkward.

A: Dont worry….

 

*Lucky barges in with a guitar and sings*

A: There ya go.

 

*Lucky calls her baby much to her chagrin and leaves saying the contest is soon but is outside the door listening*

W and A: Hahahaha

 

*Some couple stumbles about*

W: They won’t win.

 

*Rusty performs in a mink coat*

W: Its gonna come off isn’t it?

A: Of course.

 

*Rusty starts a G rated striptease*

W: Ok you may be right.

 

*Rusty removes her coat to reveal a pink leotard*

W: Very nice. If you coudn’t tell, I’m a huge pervert.

A: Nooooo, ya don’t say.

 

*Rusty does a salsa, Warlock gets up and joins in*

A: Hey hey, down in front. Sit down.

 

*Rusty gets a 10 out of 10 for her performance*

W: Top that Elvis.

 

*Lucky comes out performing Viva Las Vegas*

W: We heard this already.

A: Well you’re gonna hear it again.

 

*Lucky performs*

W: In those days you had to be in killer shape to act, sing and dance. Its a lost art these days.

 

*America gets up and starts mimicing Lucky*

W: Now its your turn to sit down, geesh.

 

*Showgirls dance with Lucky*

W: How is he gonna win if they’re dancing more than him?

 

*Lucky gets a standing O from the crowd and he gets a 10 out of 10 to tie Rusty*

W: Saw that coming.

 

*Lucky wins the contest by winning the coin flip. Rusty wins a pool table as second prize. Lucky gets a trophy and a 2 week vacation in Vegas as grand prize*

W: I thought he was supposed to win money.

 

*Lucky is sad he can’t get the money for the motor. Shorty says he’s gonna jump in the Dam*

W: Yeah, me too.

 

*Lucky performs for slow dancing and snuggling couples*

W: These guys are asleep.

 

*Lucky “I’m tired of being unhappy and so blue*

W: I know how you feel.

 

*Shorty has an idea, he takes Lucky’s car. Meanwhile Lucky goes to Elmo and says he’ll work on his car. Elmo says he’ll work on his girl*

W: Low blow.

 

*Lucky describes the car to Mr. Martin before Rusty shows up and scares him into his hitting his head. Meanwhile Shorty got the motor for Lucky*

W: How?

 

*Lucky goes to work with his crew working on the car as Rusty storms off. She performs while chopping bread*

W: What’s the point of this?

A: She’s mad he’s picking the race over her.

 

*Rusty brings a gigantic picnic basket for Mr. Martin. He yells at her*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Rusty gets dirty while being unhelpful in the garage*

W: She’s gonna blow something.

 

*The announcer says the race will begin*

W: Let me guess, gonna come down to Elmo and Lucky.

A: Oh shut up and watch.

 

*Shorty, Mr. Martin and Rusty gets Lucky’s car started and he drives to the start line*

W: That motor sucks.

 

*Cars nearly crash into each other as the race begins*

A: I wonder how many takes they needed to get for this.

 

*Shorty flies a chopper with Mr. Martin and Rusty in it*

W: What kind of chopper is that?

A: I’d have to see it again.

 

*The race goes all over Vegas including the Dam*

W: Destiny in the desert.

 

*Cars crash everywhere*

W: Looks like I was right.

 

*Rusty roots for Lucky*

W: Oh now she’s rooting for him?

A: That’s a Sikorsky by the way.

 

*A car crashes badly*

A: That guy’s dead.

 

*Lucky wins the race*

W: What was the grand prize?

 

*Mr. Martin is revealed to have bought the motor. Next frame is Rusty and Lucky getting married*

W: Wow that went quick.

 

*Split frame of Lucky and Rusty performing*

A: Yeah that wrapped up quick.

 

*End credits*

W: That ended in record time.

 

Mr America’s Assessment: I give it a 7.5 cause it was very entertaining. Good numbers even if it was hokey. Its not too farfetched.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7, it was a damn good musical even if some of the scenes were hokey as all hell. It was the 1960’s so I’ll forgive a lot of the hokeyness. Ann Margaret was gorgeous and Elvis was the king for a reason. All in all its damn good.

Final Grade: 7.5 out of 10 – Great

 

*Warlock and America rise from the couch*

W: I’m stunned, Ann Margret really as hot back in the day. I’m gonna have to see more of her from back then. As for the movie, kind of dumb but it was Elvis who was one of the biggest icons in music history. If you’re a fan like apparently this guy is, you’ll love it. Well that about wrap….

*America cuts him off*

A: Well since my baby left me!

W: Stop that.

A: I found a knew place to dwell…

*America starts dancing*

W: Have a pleasant evening.

264. City Heat (1984)

*The Warlock and The Grand Wizard are reading newspapers a The Grand Wizard’s place*

Wizard: Clint Eastwood is coming out with a new movie next year.

Warlock: What’s it about?

Wizard: I don’t know but he’s directing it.

Warlock: You know what I haven’t seen yet?

Wizard: What?

Warlock: City Heat.

Wizard: What’s that?

Warlock: Apparently he and Burt Reynolds are a buddy cop team.

Wizard: Sounds interesting.

Warlock: Let me go cue it up.

*Warlock uses his power to make a DVD fly out of a box into the DVD player*

Warlock: So let’s get started with City Heat

 

Written by Blake Edwards and Joseph C Stinson

Directed by Richard Benjamin

 

Cast:

Lieutennant Speer (Clint Eastwood)

Mike Murphy (Burt Reynolds)

Addy (Jane Alexander)

Caroline Howley (Madeline Kahn)

Primo Pitt (Rip Torn)

Dehl Swift (Richard Roundtree)

Leon Coll (Tony Lo Blanco)

Lonnie Ash (William Sanderson)

Troy Roker (Nicholas Worth)

Nino (Robert Davi)

Dub Slack (Jude Farese)

Fat Freddy (John Hancock)

Garage Soldiers (Jack Thibeau, Gene LeBell, Nick Dimitri, George Fisher, Bill Hart, Bob Herron)

Counterman Louie (Gerald S O’Loughlin)

Bruisers (Bruce M Fischer, Art LaFleur)

The Bookkeeper (Jack Nance)

Redhead Sherry (Dallas Cole)

Referee (Lou Fillipo)

Vint Diestrock (Michael Maurer)

Keith Stoddard (Preston Sparks)

Ballistics Expert (Ernie Sabella)

Roxy Cop (Christopher Michael Moore)

Roxy Driver (Carey Loftin)

Locker Room Attendant (Harry Caesar)

Dr. Breslin (Charles Parks)

Garage Attendant (Hamilton Camp)

Tuck (Tab Thacker)

Doc Loomis (Arthur Malet)

Pitt Roof Sniper (Fred Lerner)

Pitt Doorway Thug (George Orrison)

Pitt Lookout (Beau Starr)

Poker Players (Anthony Charnota, Walter Robles, Richard Foronjy)

Peggy Barker (Joan Shawlee)

Bordello Maid (Minnie Summers Lindsey)

Bordello Dancer (Darwyn Swalve)

Mr. Smith (Wiley Harker, Bob Maxwell)

Chauffer (Tom Spratley)

Billard Soldier (Bob Terhune)

Little Red (Holgie Forrester)

Roman Orgy Patron (Harry Demopoulos)

Roxy Patron (James C Lewis)

Butler (Edwin Prevost)

Short Guy (Alfie Wise)

Shorter Friend (Hank Calla)

Shortest Friend (Alex Plasschaert)

Agnes (Daphne Eckler)

Didi (Lonna Montrose)

Boxing Fan (Dell Yount)

 

 

*Wizard reads the tag-line*

Wizard: “A slick private eye and a tough police lieutennant, once partners now bitter enemies, reluctantly team up to investigate a murder”

W: Oh boy, buddy cop movie before the craze.

 

*Opening credits*

W: Set in 1933, great.

 

*Lt. Speer enters a diner and orders coffeee from Louie. Two older women look at him, scoff and leave. Louie says good the “free refills” were killing him*

Wi: Haha.

 

*A big tough guy comes in and looks for Mike Murphy. Tough guy pushes Louie around and says he’ll wait for him. An old car driven by Murphy pulls up with his umbrella open*

W: Cars didn’t have roofs then?

WI: A lot of them didn’t.

W: Imagine holding an umbrella while driving.

 

*Murphy enters the diner and cracks a joke. He notices Speer and asks when he got let out. Suddenly another tough guy walks in*

W: Art LaFleur, I know him.

 

*The two goons surround Murphy and Steer just laughs at him. Murphy fights both of them off but wrecks the place. Speer shakes his head and Louie asks if he’s gonna help. Speer wants a refill*

W: Not my fight.

 

*The two goons get the upper hand and Murphy begs Speer for help but he doesn’t budge. Speer cracks jokes at his expense and tells Louie that he can take care of himself. Suddenly the first bruiser gets thrown into Speer and spills his coffee*

Wi: Now you’ve done it!

 

*Speer joins in and helps Murphy beat up the two goons. Speer asks if he had his nose in the wrong ass and Murphy says there’s room for him too. Louie tells them to take it outside. Speer says to watch himself, he’s heard that Murphy is wanted by the mob for getting too close. Murphy calls him a pathetic son of a bitch and he’s got his own office since he turned in his badge*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Dehl Swift gets his shoes shined before he walks down the street to a violin theme*

W: Catchy song.

 

*Murphy is in his office making paper airplanes when his secretary Addy walks in. The repo men are after Mike’s car and they’re behind on their rent to Mahoney the landlord. Swift the “invisible partner” walks in with a wad of cash and starts doling out money. Murphy tells Addy to go take a letter*

Wi: Black man with that much money in the 1930’s?

 

*Murphy confronts Dehl where he got the money but he stones him. Dehl tells him he’s getting a bonus soon and Murphy asks why. Dehl says Mike’s the only one that can’t tell the difference between dark and light*

W: In other words, he’s the only one who’s not racist.

 

*Dehl leaves and Addy walks in with money of her own. She says to go pay the repo men off so he can work. Mike kisses Addy deep and leaves*

W: Character development, what a concept.

 

*Singer in a lounge croons a song*

W: For youuuuuu

Wi and Wa: For you my life my love my alllllll

 

*Dehl walks in with a suitcase and heads to the back after listening to her. He and his partner pull out cash, passports and a Ledger. The partner is The Bookkeeper and he’s headed to Bolivia. He says to give the money to Primo Pitt after he leaves*

W: Bolivian bubble booty is the best.

Wi: I thought it was Brazilian.

W: Good point.

 

*The singer, Ginny, walks in and scolds Dehl for doublecrossing Pitt and Dehl says he’s got protection from Leon Coll. She pleads with him not to go ahead with the doublecross and he says its all taken care of*

W: Why do I have a feeling this isn’t going to work?

 

*Mike retuns home and puts the radio on before he gets a phone call. Its Caroline in the bath*

W: Oh my god its Madeline Kahn.

Wi: Aint that a fwiggen shame?

 

*Caroline is having a party friday night and Mike is invited but he says he’ll be late. He hangs up on her and gets another phone call. He thinks its Caroline and says he’ll buff her body and bring a nice glow to her body. Speer on the other line says he’ll bring a foot to his ass*

W: Hahahahahahaha

 

*Speer says he’s got two tickets to the fights tonight and Mike says why invite him. Speer says he’s not, he wants Addy. Mike says hell no, he likes her too much. Speer says he’ll see him around and Mike calls him a flatfoot*

W: How is flatfoot an insult?

Wi: In the old days the lower you were in the chain on the police force, you walked a patrol. You walked a beat and were usually caught flatfooted.

 

*A black fighter fights a white fighter in the ring. Addy and Speer are there in the crowd while Coll is ringside. Addy scoffs at the concept and Speer cracks a joke. Addy spots Dehl heading toward Coll*

W: Business is about to pick up.

 

*Black fighter knocks out the white one*

W: The ref is Lou Fillipo.

 

*Coll and his entourage celebrate with the fighter. Later on Coll confronts Dehl and calls him sunshine before beating him up. Dehl says The Bookkeeper sold Coll out to Primo Pitt for 25 grand. Coll tells his guards to back off so they can talk. Pitt doesn’t have the stuff yet and Dehl says he’ll get it back for 50 grand. Dehl tells him where The Bookkeeper will be. The sweeper nearby walks away as Coll warns Dehl that if he crosses him, Dehl is snail food*

W: I believe it.

 

*Speer and Addy tail Dehl even though Addy says its not a good idea. Dehl walks into his place and Primo Pitt has Ginny hostage and two goons with him. Dehl fights off the goons and tells Ginny to run. Ginny runs out the door as Speer runs in*

W: Could be too late.

 

*Dehl and Pitt wrestle and Pitt shoots him. He opens the briefcase but theres nothing there. Pitt’s men throw Dehl’s body out the window onto Speer’s car below*

Wi: Say goodnight Dick.

 

*Speer grabs Ginny and says to stay behind him. He plugs one of the goons who tries to get back with Pitt and the other but they leave him high and dry, pushing him out of the elevator. Speer shoots him six times but the guy is still standing*

W: Does he have a vest?

 

*Speer reloads and plugs the guy a seventh time, still standing*

Wi: Is he on PCP?

 

*The eighth shot drops the goon for good and a nearby neighbor runs out and asks Speer how he’s doing. Speer says good, the goon not so much*

W: Nice cameo.

 

*Speer and Mike look at Dehl on the slab and Mike says he was his partner. Speer says the goon he plugged is Vint Diestrock. Mike asks what he did with Addy, Speer says he sent her home in a patrol car. Mike quipps that Speer knows how to show her a good time*

W: Yeah really.

 

*Mike walks outside and two of Coll’s thugs says Coll want to see him. Mike is taken peacefully to Coll’s mansion. Mike calls him a fish face and Coll’s thugs go to beat him up but Coll stops them. He says he didn’t have Dehl whacked, it was Pitt. Coll bribes Mike to getting his stuff back from Pitt and Mike says 50 grand or he walks*

W: Stop trusting these guys.

 

*Mike calls the two thugs rodents and wants them to fix him a drink. Next frame is somebody playing sax at the cemetary*

Wi: Fuck a priest, I want this guy to play a tune when I die.

 

*Dehl’s friends and family gather at the grave including Mike and Addy. Addy leaves a flower on the casket*

W: The Sax player wins best supporting actor.

 

*Mike is being tailed by more thugs*

W: Coll or Pitt?

Wi: Pitt I think.

 

*Mike pulls out a gun before entering his apartment. His place is ransacked and someone’s in his chair. Its Speer having a cup of tea. Speer “Wait till you see the bedroom.”

W and Wi: Hahahahaha

 

*Speer asks when’s the last time he talked to Pitt. Mike says never. Speer asks why two of his men are waiting for him then*

W: Good call.

 

*Speer his his tea tastes like gin and Mike says its HIS gin and takes it away. Speer says they fished The Bookkeeper out after the wire on his cement shoes snapped in front of a seafood restaurant much to the chagrin of the customers*

W: So much for him.

 

*Speer says Dehl ate a 9 MM round and he wouldn’t look good wearing one of those. Speer leaves and gets the drop on Pitt’s men. He ties one of them to the window and threatens the other. He tells them both to lose the guns and they throw theirs out the window before Speer leaves. The fat goon drives off with the other still tied by his tie to the window. Mike from a distance “Stealthy”

W: Ha.

 

*Mike visits the jazz club and Tuck the bouncer. Mike meets with Freddie who says business is down without Ginny. Mike says to kill them before they kill him. He goes to Caroline’s party in a brown suit and one of the waiters says its black tie only and Mike shows him his black tie*

W: I need to do that.

 

*Mike interrupts Caroline having a conversation with Keith Stoddard by kissing her deeply.  He insults Keith and Keith says to step outside, Mike refuses and says he’s gonna go with Caroline upstairs. They leave*

Wi: That ended better than I thought.

 

*Speer sneaks up on Pitt sleeping*

W: WAKE UP!

 

*Speer wakes him up and jams Pitt’s gun in his face. He says he wants the gun for ballistics and Pitt says he needs a warrant. Speer shoots one of his pillows and digs the slug out saying that’s all he needs. We cut back to Caroline and Mike for pillow talk. Caroline says she’s falling for him and she’s scared. He says he is too but can’t actually say it which sends Caroline in a rage*

W: Saying the wrong thing to a woman never ends well.

 

*Back at the office Addy hands Mike a letter to Dehl in Dehl’s on handwriting. He opens it and inside is a pawn shop voucher. All of a sudden Pitt and one of his stooges walk in and Mike tells Addy to go pick up his laundry. Mike says they kicked over the rock Pitt was under and he tells Addy to scram*

Wi: Amscray!

 

*Pitt says Mike or Addy has something he wants. Mike asks why he should hand it over and Pitt says he’s got something Mike wants. The phone rings and Caroline says she’s been kidnapped*

W: Yup, saw that coming.

 

*He asks if she’s okay and she says hell no*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Mike surrenders and says he’ll give Pitt what he wants if he lets her go. Pitt laughs and says she walks when he’s got his goods. Meanwhile Addy puts something in her purse*

W: Gee what could that be?

 

*Speer checks the slugs with the Ballistics guy who says they’re a match. Meanwhile Addy hands Mike the case she got that was pawned off and its the Croix de Guerre*

W: The hell is that?

Wi: French medal of honor.

 

*Mike says when Dehl was good, he was very very good. Speer walks in and says how’d he get that from the bottom of a cracker jack box. Mike “I didn’t hear you knock.” Speer “What a relief, I thought I was going deaf.” Speer says the slugs match guns from Primo Pitt and his thug Dub Slack. Speer says they need an eyewitness to nail them to Dehl’s crime scene*

W and Wi: Ginny

 

*Speer and Mike go nose to nose and Addy mocks them by pretending to be a ref. She says she needs a drink and Mike says there’s furnature polish underneath the sink. Speer goes and gets it*

W: Right out of MASH huh?

Wi: Yeah, gin isn’t exactly the best tasting stuff.

 

*Addy asks why they fight so hard and Mike says he enjoy it. Mike gets a call from Ginny as he finds a key hidden underneath the medal. Ginny says to meet him at the pavilion*

W: Time to advance the story…I hope.

 

*Mike leaves and Speer pours gin for himself and Addy. She says it really is furnature polish and Speer says blame prohibition. Addy is mad both Speer and Mike take off at the worst moments*

W: The life of a cop.

 

*Addy throws a copy of War & Peace up against the wall as Mike waits at the pavilion. Coll’s goons report to Coll that Pitt kidnapped Caroline Howley who happens to be Randolph Howley’s daughter. Coll says to his goons to bring him Murphy. He gets up and leaves the pavilion and finds a theater ticket to the Roxy on his windshield. Pitt’s goons are tailing him*

W: On the rob from two different gangs.

 

*A Groucho Marx short plays*

Wi: Horse Feathers! One of my favorites.

 

*Some asshole sitting next to Ginny says she belongs in the back*

W: Separate drinking fountains too, right?

Wi: Mmmhmmm.

 

*Mike tells the guy to scram and he sits next to Ginny. She starts crying and Mike says to call Speer or they’ll kill her like Dehl. Mike says Speer is a bastard but he’s good at his job, they’ll bust Pitt if she can help. Mike asks Ginny where the merch is and she doesn’t know. Mike asks where the key goes and she doesn’t know. Ginny says the only thing out of the ordinary was he started playing handball in a gym near where he lived*

W: Could be a key to his locker.

 

*Mike leaves the theater and walks down the street*

W: Do we really have to see this?

 

*Mike finds a flatfoot and gives him a half tongue lashing and half pep talk before asking if there’s any gyms nearby and he said Riverside on Broad Street. Mike leaves and Speer walks up and calls the kid Muldoon*

W: Yay, a name.

 

*Ginny leaves the theater and is surrounded by goons of both crews. She runs inside as Pitt’s men chase her. She runs into the street and is hit by a car*

W: There goes your witness.

 

*Mike finds a boxing gym and heads for the lockers. The attendant says he can’t open it without permission. Mike says Dehl is dead and hands the guy a dollar*

W: That’s a modern looking dollar, historical inaccuracy.

 

*Attendant says the locker is 628. Mike opens it and finds the merch in there. Back at the hospital Dr. Breslin tells Speer that Ginny broke her arm, her ribs and suffered a concussion but still alive. Speer can’t talk to her until the next day*

Wi: She won’t be right for a week.

 

*Mike is tailed by Pitt’s thugs back home and he drops the merch on a table with Addy opening. The merch is actually 3 ledgers that could put Coll away and make Pitt the number one boss*

W: Which is why Pitt wants them so badly.

 

*Addy heard on the radio Caroline has been kidnapped and Ginny is in the hospital. Mike says to stay there as he grabs a suitcase. Mike says to call Freddie and tell him about Ginny as he loads up his gun. Addy says she already did. The phone rings and its Pitt. Mike says he’s got the stuff and he’s bringing the goods. He tells Addy if she doesn’t hear from him by morning to tell Speer to comb the river with a magnet*

Wi: Haha

 

*Mike goes to leave but Pitt’s men are outside and shoot through the door. Mike “Doesn’t anybody knock anymore?” Mike has Addy open the door and he wipes out both of them with a baseball bat. Mike runs outside and Addy tosses him the suitcase but Coll’s men are waiting outside*

W: Now he’s really in trouble.

 

*Coll’s men and Pitt’s men shoot at each other*

W: I like what I see, trash taking care of itself.

 

*One of Coll’s men shoots a mannequin*

W: I dont think he’s gonna make it.

 

*Mike runs through the crossfire and jumps in his car. They shoot out his windshield and he runs for it as Speer watches in his own car, laughing. One of Pitt’s men hides under a truck but one of Coll’s men shoots the fuel tank and doues him. Mike makes a mad dash in front of another car and spots Speer laughing at him. A stray bullet goes through Speer’s windshield and now he’s angry*

W: Just like at the diner.

 

*Speer grabs a shotgun and walks down the street with Mike passive agrresively maing fun of him for casually strolling. Speer drives all four goons away with well timed shotgun blasts, shooting one of Pitt’s men in the ass and lighting the other on fire by blowing the truck. Coll’s men retreat as well as an angry Speer goes to arrest Mike. Mike says to let him go see Pitt and end this now. Speer tells him to get lost*

W: There would be no movie if he arrested.

 

*Mike says he’s gonna punch Speer next time he ses him. Addy runs up after Mike’s leave and they casually stroll away from the carnage*

W: Imagine that in real life, shoot the place up and casually walk away.

Wi: No paperwork in the 30’s.

 

*A bunch of goons in a garage are playing cards*

W: Hey its Gene Lebell, legit judo master and former pro wrestler in the Lebell family.

 

*Mike drives though the wall and Pitt runs up frantic. Mike says he’s got the stuff and Pitt says to shoot him. Mike says he’s got the case rigged to blow and Pitt doesn’t believe him. He goes to shoot the briefcase but Speer shows up. Speer says he’s got 20 officers outside and Pitt doesn’t believe him either*

W: Maxwell Smart would love this.

Wi: Would you believe…..

 

*The garage clerk says he just pissed his pants and everyone turns and looks at him*

W: Hahaha

 

*One of the goons says there’s nobody outside but an old man walking his dog. Speer says they work for him*

Wi: Hahaha

 

*Pitt says to hand over the case and Speer says to give it to him. Mike whacks him with it and another shootout commences. Speer plugs one of the goons then a second who falls on the clerk. Speer plugs a third as a fourth is squished by a car. Mike and Speer start pulling out progressively longer guns.

Wi: The Dirty Harry special.

 

*Speer finishes off the goons as Pitt makes a run for it. Speer shoots at him but Mike shoots at Speer. Speer plugs Pitt and he crashes down the stairs. Mike runs up and calls Speer a big dummy for shooting Pitt. Speer “Why’d you shoot at me?” Mike “I wasn’t shooting at you, I was trying to distract you!” Speer “Some difference.”

W: Ha.

 

*Mike asks Pitt where Caroline is and he says if he don’t answer by 2 AM, she’s dead. He dies laughing at them. Mike asks how they’re going to find her and Speer answers Dub and Nino. Before Mike can ask who they are, Speer shoots Nino dead. Speer “Make that Dub”

W: One man left on Pitt’s side, Coll’s entire crew intact.

Wi: That must be the finale.

 

*Mike “How are we gonna find Caroline if you keep shooting the bums that could tell us?” Speer “We’ll get Dub”

W: Yeah, you got 20 minutes to do it.

 

*Speer says he’s holed up with Doc Loomis as Coll and his goons barges in on Addy, kidnapping her. Meanwhile Speer and Mike find and interrogate Dub. Mike responds by setting Dub’s ass on fire when he refuses to talk*

W: Come on baby light my ass on fire.

 

*Coll gets a call that Mike and Speer still has the books*

W: With Pitt dead, they can just run to the presinct now and draw up the paperwork to have Coll arrested.

Wi: Where’s the fun in that?

 

*Poker players meet Peg at the brothel. Mr Smith is amused. Meanwhile Caroline is cleaning Pitt’s men out at draw poker*

W: Come to papa!

 

*Speer and Mike spot Pitt’s lookouts while driving by. Mike pretends to be drunk to get the drop on one of them. They formulate a plan and Speer jumps into a taxi and makes the high rolling passenger take his clothes off. Meanwhile the entire room is watching Caroline win at poker and the leader tells the guy to get back to watching the window*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Mike takes out the guy on the roof and poses as the lookout. Meanwhile Speer gets out in the old man’s tux and heads inside. Peg recognizes Speer and asks what he wants. Speer says to get out of there with the girls in five minutes or else he adds kidnapping to her charges. She says Pitt made her do it and Speer says Pitt is dead. Peg says they’ll be out in two minutes.”

W: Smart lady.

 

*Peg tells Speer how many armed men there are as Mike runs around outside. Speer wipes out the guy playing pool as Mike nearly falls off the roof*

W: Its like Danny Glover in Predator 2.

Wi: That’s all I need is birds.

 

*Some whore is role playing Little Red Riding Hood with some guy when Mike falls through the window. Mike recognizes her and says “Hi Marie.” She asks what he’s doing and he says to keep the congressman happy and leaves*

W: Heh.

 

*Mike is dressed as the Big Bad Wolf in grandma pajamas. He opens a door to various rooms with different sound effects including a horse*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Peg throws everyone out on the first floor as Mike barges in on Pitt’s men. At first they pull guns but then they start laughing. The leader tells him he’s in the wrong room. Mike tries to get Caroline out but the leader says to scram. Mike says he’ll huff and puff and blow the house down as he flips the table and starts punching out the men. Caroline breaks a vase over someone’s head*

W: Right out of the Stooges.

 

*Speer walks in and Mike stops him from beating him up. They punch out the rest of the goons. Next frame is the cops arresting everyone as Mike leads Caroline away. They share a kiss as Coll pulls up with Addy in tow and says he wants his goods*

W: Forgot about him.

 

*Mike grabs the case with Speer and Caroline standing beside him and he tells Speer to make the call. Mike hands Coll the case and he releases Addy. Coll drives off and Speer says he’s gonna get them sooner or later. Mike says its going to be sooner and right on cue Coll’s car explodes*

W: He wasn’t bluffing.

 

*Back at Freddie’s club, Ginny sings a number with a double date going on. Speer and Addy, Caroline and Mike. Speer sits in on the piano as Mike comes up and says they make a great team. Speer calls him shorty and Mike wants to fight. Some of the patrons yell at Mike to sit down and he insults them all. Mike ends up fighting off the patrons until Tuck sends him flying*

W: House from Police Academy.

 

*They recreate the opening scene where Speer refuses to help until his drink is spilled. We cut to outside where Mike wants to fight Speer in the street. Mike continues to crack jokes and they go nose to nose after Speer calls him shorty. End credits*

W: So we never did get the one on one fight.

Wi: That was a fun little flick.

 

The Grand Wizard has no assessment.

The Warlock’s Assessment: 6 out of 10, that was a funny popcorn flick.

Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good

 

*Warlock rises*

Warlock: That was actually pretty good. It was a buddy cop movie before the genre took off so it was fresh at the time. The jokes were telegraphed but still funny and since gore was at a minimum, this could probably be family fun for all. It had a great cast but they all ham it up for this movie, which I don’t mind but it could irk people the wrong way. Either way the story was easy to follow, it was a good tribute to Noir and classic comedy so its worth a look if you can find it. That about wraps up another goodtastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.

 

 

263. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (2005)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket,  SUBURBAN COMMANDO t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a water bottle of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock runs down the steps then back up and inside*

Warlock: Tonight we’re doing the second movie I bought in my most recent haul from Seven Eleven.. That’s right, tonight its another….IT CAME FROM SEVEN-ELEVEN! Tonight’s movie is the 2005 dark comedy Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. I won’t be doing it alone, with me today is Thug D.

*Camera pans to the recliner where Thug D is sitting wearing standard attire*

D: Yo.

Warlock: The good news is this was written and directed by Shane Black, the same guy who did The Nice Guys. What do you think?

D: It could be good after all.

*The Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get this party started with Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.

 

Directed by Shane Black

Written by Shane Black and Brett Halliday

 

Cast:

Harry Lockhart (Robert Downey Jr)

Val Kilmer (Gay Perry)

Harmony Faith Lane (Michelle Monaghan)

Harlan Dexter (Corbin Bernsen)

Mr. Frying Pan (Dash Mihok)

Dabney Shaw (Larry Miller)

Mr. Fire (Rockmond Dunbar)

Pink Hair Girl (Shannyn Sossamon)

Flicka (Angela Lindvall)

Harry Lockhart age 9 (Indio Downey)

Harmony age 9 (Ariel Winter)

Chainsaw Kid (Duane Carnahan)

Richie (Josh Richman)

Pistol Woman (Martha Hackett)

Kristin (Deanna Dozier)

Protocop (Christopher Gilman)

Marleah (Ali Hillis)

Richard Greico (Himself)

Genaro’s Beer Bear (Laurence Fisburne)

 

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A murder mystery brings together a private eye, a struggling actress, and a thief masquerading as an actor.”

D: If Shane Black had a hand in it, at least it will be interesting.

 

*Movie opens at a county fair*

W: Hurry hurry step right up!

 

*Harmony actually begins screaming while being “sawed in half”. Harry and the chainsaw kid open the box and she’s fine, she claims she’s going to be an actress. Her father backhands her*

W: Hahahahaha

D: Yeah that would deserve a punch.

 

*Day One: Trouble is my business*

W: There’s Downey.

 

*Harry is the narrator and he welcomes us to the party in LA*

W: Sounds like Christmas music.

 

*Gay and Dabney are introduced. Gay is actually gay*

W: Val Kilmer and Larry Miller.

 

*How Harry Got To The Party*

W: So he didn’t just walk there?

 

*Harry calls his neice while he’s robbing a toy store for her. He runs out after the alarm is tripped and some woman starts firing at him and Richard. He runs right into a casting call*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Harry starts acting during the script reading*

W: Hahahaha

 

*An actual cop busts into the casting call and leaves*

W: Hahaha

 

*Harry says he retired from inventing dice*

W: Hahahhaa

 

*How Harmony Got To The Party*

W: Rudolph is racist? Hahaha

 

*9 year old Harmony apparently was influenced by a fictional hero written by a guy who only did it for money. She wanted to save her sister that was raped by her dad. He never came, the author died and she moved to LA at 16*

W: Ha.

 

*Protocop aka Neil falls off a ledge and Harmony happened to be there. Dabney watches on TV and hires her. That’s how she got to the party*

W: Hahhaha

 

*Harmony reads Johnny Gosmer books and passes out. She’s felt up by some guy*

D: Uh oh.

 

*Harry catches him and challenges him to a fight. Harry gets his ass kicked*

D: What happened to you Iron Man?

 

*Gay helps up Harry and Harry says one of these days he’s gonna learn how to fight*

D: Damn, Batman and Iron Man in the same movie. Closest we’ll ever get to Marvel vs DC.

 

*Harlan Dexter is hosting*

W: Hey look its Roger Dorn.

 

*Harry and Gay leave the party and he’s supposed to be taking acting lessons the next day. Gay says Harry can find Harmony at the Domino room*

W: That doesn’t sound good.

 

*Harry meets Flicka, nothing happens*

W: That was useless.

 

*Harry and Harmony meet. Harry doesn’t recognize her and they hit it off until her friend shows up. Harry makes Harmony laugh and Harmony recognizes him from their childhood. Harry narrates how he was her high school friend while she dated every other guy*

W: Hahaha friend zoned.

 

*Harmony says she didn’t get famous and Harry says yet*

W: Yet.

 

*Harry remembers her from the Genaro’s Beer commercial. He makes her do a spittake by saying “punk rock Steven Seagal”

W and D: Hahahhaa

 

*Harry wakes up next to the friend, Marleah and freaks out*

W: Thats not her is it?

D: Nope.

 

*Harry runs over to Harmony’s place to apologize because he was drunk and didn’t remember anything but she throws him out(

W: That sucks.

 

*Day 2: Lady in the Lake*

W: Friday the 13th part 3.

 

*Gay calls a Derringer a “faggot gun”

D and W: Hahahahahhaa

 

*Harry tells Gay Harmony fucked everyone except his best friend because he asked her not to*

W: Ha.

 

*Gay and Harry follow some guy who drives right off a cliff into the water. Harry goes to save him*

W: What is going on here?

 

*Harry and Gay pull a girl out of the trunk. Apparently Gay shot her in the head trying to shoot the lock off the trunk. Harry throws the gun away and Gay hits him*

W and D: Hahahahaha

 

*Gay drops Harry off and tells him to sleep badly and die*

D: That’s even better.

 

*Harry gets a call from the cops saying Harmony killed herself. Harry is distraught*

W: Wow…..that was the girl in the trunk?

 

*Harry watches the Genaro’s Beer commercial with Harmony in it. Harmony knocks on his door and Harry is freaked out*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Apparently Harmony’s sister stole Harmony’s ID and made it to LA. It was the sister that was dead. Harry narrates while checking out Harmony’s nipple slip*

W and D: Hahahaha

 

*Harmony rants and raves she was murdered, it wasn’t a suicide. She passes out aftr she begs for help. He starts undressing her and a spider crawls down into her bra. We get a back and forth scene where he gropes her but he doesnt, she doesn’t believe him then she does*

W: Why?

 

*Harry takes a piss then looks at his shower where the girl in the trunk is in the shower, he pisses on her*

W and D: Hahahahaha

 

*Harry calls Gay and Gay tells him they need to wrap the body and find the planted gun. Harry says he peed on her and Gay asks why in perfect health would he pee on a corpse*

W and D: Hahahahaha

 

*The cops show up and Harmony sends them to the wrong room to unknowingly cover for him. They wrap the body and throw her off the roof but the body bounces off the dumpster instead of going in*

W: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

 

*Gay kisses Harry to throw the cops off and Harmony shows up. She asks why he was kissing Gay and Harry narrates how he convinced her he wasn’t by not mentioning. They leave the dead girl on the side of the road*

W: On the side of the road???

 

*Day 3: The Little Sister*

D: Now what?

 

*Harmony told her sister their father wasn’t their real father and the real dad was Johnny Gosman. She was in town trying to find him*

D: That’s awful.

 

*Harry realizes the dead girl was Harlan Dexter’s daughter*

W: Oh shit…..

 

*Harry talks with Gay and talk over what to do. Gay says Dabney used Harry to get Colin Farrell to lower his price tag. Harry punches him and Gay puts him in a sleeperhold and says Harmony was pissed when he told her he wasn’t a real detective. Not only that but they’re not friends, Gay is protecting Dabney. Harry is sad*

W: Ha.

 

*Harry finds Flicka at the airport and begs her to use her phone to call Harmony. Flicka says Harmony is listed under her stage name Alison Ames. Harry realizes that her sister used that identity when she was murdered. Harry thanks Flicka and runs off. He calls Gay and says they’re working the same case because whoever killed the sister was after Harmony*

W: Oooooh.

 

*He runs to tell Harmony that her sister was murdered when she slams the door on his hand and cuts his finger off*

W and D: Ohhhhhh

 

*Harry gets his finger sewed back on and he yells at her through the phone “YOU CUT MY FINGER OFF!!!” Harry shows up to a club expecting to find who killed Veronica Dexter and Harmony’s sister. He finds Harmony and goes on a rant about how LA women are damaged goods. She asks who hates Harry and the whole club raises their hand.

 

*Harry watches Lord of The Cock rings with Gay and Harmony. Michael Beck is the main character*

W: Ha, Swan from The Warriors.

 

*Harlan Dexter is in the movie and Harmony says he was with the movie crew in the 80’s. Gay figures out the sister thinks Harlan Dexter is her real father.

 

*Gay says he thinks Harry is stupid*

D: He is killin it in this movie.

 

*Mr. Fire and Mr. Frying Pan take Harry hostage. Harry figures out they’re the ones who killed Veronica and they rip his finger off and they tell him to back off. Harmony realizes they’re after Gay and Harry is pissed because his finger is falling off and needs to get to the hospital. She chases after Gay and leaves Harry in the car*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Pink Hair girl signals Mr. Fire as Gay walks by. Mr. Fire catches Harmony and she kicks him in the balls and headbutts him. She refuses to shoot him and runs off*

D: Damn, knocked his ass out.

 

*Mr Frying Pan tails Gay as Harmony dodges traffic. She falls off a ledge and her gun goes off and it signals Gay to dive out of the way of Mr. Fryimg Pan’s car. They shoot it out and a Nacho Truck guy kills Frying Pan. Pink Hair drives off in the car with Harry sleeping in the back*

W and D: Hahahahaha

 

*Gay and Harmony hug and say they need to find Harry. Harry wakes up and Pink Hair’s place. Harry hears someone coming and dives under the bed. An unknown assassin kills her right in front of Harry who has to shut her up*

W: Wow that’s sad.

 

*The assassin was Mr. Fire. Harry picks up the gun and continuously shoots him*

D: That guy wasn’t very bright. He clearly saw him holding the gun.

W: He didn’t think Harry would shoot.

 

*Harry puts the gun in Pink’s hands and puts his finger on the counter. The dog eats it*

W: HAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

*Harry gets a phone call from Gay and Harry says the dog ate the finger, they’re safe. Harry hangs up on Gay and hugs the dog*

W: Neyz would love that.

 

*Harry asks Gay if this is over. Gay says there’s more to it but he doesn’t want any part of it. He tells Harmony that the sister hired him but he’ll give the money back. Meanwhile Harry tries to ask Harmony out but she says no. She asks why he lied to her and he says he really likes her and wanted to be around her. She doesn’t like it so Harry tells the truth that he’s a thief in real life. He never finished anything his life and he says they need to finish this case*

W: Where’s the joke? You know its coming.

 

*Harry watches her naked and realizes that Veronica Dexter was wearing underwear under a transparent dress. Harmony is naked and asks if he wants to sleep next to her and he says sure. She cuddles up to him and he holds her. He has a boner so he gets up to leave but she kisses him*

W: Oh boy, useless sex scene coming up.

 

*Harry stops to say this was his dream since high school*

W: Shut up and kiss her.

 

*Harmony says she has a confession to make and next scene is Harry throwing her out because she DID sleep with his best friend*

D: Wait what?

W: Remember earlier when he said she slept withe everyone but his best friend? She just admitted she did.

 

*Harmony calls Harry and asks if Veronica was right. Harry says no and she slept with his best friend*

W and D: Hahaha

 

*Day Four: A Simple Act of Murder*

W: The end is near.

 

*Gay wakes up Harry and says Harmony as solved the case but he can’t find her. Gay asks what he said to her and Harry says he told her about Veronica wearing underwear. Gay and Harry hit up a Mental Institution and run into a fat lady. Gay asks if she’s wearing underwear and she disrobes*

W and D: Hahahhaa

 

*Gay tell Harry that the REAL Veronica Dexter is in there and an imposter was killed. Dexter Clinic Guard takes them both hostage. Gay disarms him and they both pull guns on him. Gay says “This isn’t good cop, bad cop this is Fag and New York”

W: Hahhaa

 

*Gay tries to get Guard to talk but can’t. Harry tries to scare him by playing Russian Roulette but actually shoots the guy*

D and W: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

 

*Gay calls Harmony and tells her to tail Veronica’s body. Meanwhile Harlan and his bodyguard show up and take them at gunpoint. Bodyguard throws Harlan the phone but Harry catches it and says theyre in trouble. Harmony pretends to be a carpet service to throw off the Bodyguard. Next frame is Harlan electrocuting Harry’s nutsack*

D: Ohhhhhhhhhhh

 

*Gay makes fun of Bodyguard named Aurilio for being in the closet. Harry is getting electrocuted but Gay shoots him with a hidden gun in his crotch*

W: Ha.

 

*Harmony steals the truck with the body, Dexter’s goons scramble*

W and D: Hahahaha

 

*Harmony is being tailed by the goons as Harry and Gay run after her. The van flips and the casket flies away onto a road sign*

W: Right in plain view.

 

*The goons shoot at Harmony. Gary shoots one of them and he gets shot. Harry falls down pretending he’s shot too. The goons drive off and Harry gets up and tries to wake up Gay. Harry realizes Gay is dead and answers his cell phone*

W: The ringtone is I Will Survive.

 

*Harmony begs for Harry to save her. He gets up, loads a gun and is nearly run over by Harlan. He jumps off the bridge and lands on the casket. He almost falls and the gun lands in his left hand. He caps Harlan and then the goons singlehandedly. Harry “There, all done. Finished”

W: Hahaha

 

*Harry walks up to Harmony and shows that the bullet stopped the gunshot….except it didn’t. He passes out*

W: I was wrong.

 

*Harry wakes up in the hospital and Gay wheels himself into the room. Harry narrates saying yeah Hollywood put him up to this and usually brings everyone back. Everyone dead walks into the room as well as Abe Lincoln and Elvis walk in but they’re ushered out*

D: Hahahhahaha

 

*Dexter didn’t murder Veronica. The Pink Hair girl was Harlan’s lover and pretended to be his daughter, the sister saw it and was triggered since it was her past. She took her own life*

W: Wow.

 

*Harry says this one was for the books. We got back to Indiana for one final scene. Gay visits Harmony’s father and accuses him of murdering her 20 years ago. Gay slaps him around and the father yells at him for being a fake tough guy. Gay calls him one in reverse and watches the Genaro’s Beer commercial*

W: Ha.

 

*Harry narrates an ending where he’s working for Gay and Gay breaks the fourth wall saying the movie’s over, hope you enjoyed it, validate your parking and sorry for saying fuck so much. The End*

D: Love how his name is Gay Perry.

 

Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 9 out of 10. It was extremely well written, great dialogue, nice black humor. There were some key plot points that went by too fast so you have to watch it twice to get everything. That’s one of the best dark comedies I’ve ever seen.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 9 out of 10….what he said.

Final Grade: 9 out of 10 – One for the ages

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: Shane Black is 2 for 2. First The Nice Guys was awesome and now this was also awesome. This was dark comedy at its finest and it was really, really good. It didbt take itself too seriously and I can highly recommend it. That about wraps up another outstanding adventure, have a pleasant evening.

262. Big Money Hustlas (2000)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Barq’s root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky then walks inside*

W: Tonight I am not picking the movie. Tonight is a special request by Neyzor Blades herself.

*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner wearing standard attire*

Neyz: Yeah, after sitting through Little Miss Sunshine, Singles and Freaky Friday its my turn to pick the movie.

Warlock: What have we picked out tonight?

Neyz: Big Money Hustlas.

Warlock: WHAT????

Neyz: You heard me.

Warlock: You mean the Insane Clown Posse movie where they satire blacksploitation movies?

Neyz: I don’t know what that means, I just know its funny.

*Neyz pops the DVD in as Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Well I’ll do it but I won’t like it.

Neyz: Why?

Warlock: When I was a kid you had to make a choice, ICP or Eminem. I took Eminem’s side.

Neyz: You missed out.

Warlock: We’ll see. So let’s get started with Big Money Hustlas.

 

 

Written by Joseph Bruce

Directed by John Cafiero

 

Cast:

Big Baby Sweets (Joseph “Violent J” Bruce)

Sugar Bear (Shaggy 2 Dope)

Big Stank (Jamie Madrox)

Lil Poot (Monoxide)

The Chief (John G Brennan)

Officer Harry Cox (Harland Williams)

Dolemite (Rudy Ray Moore)

Cactus Sac (Mick Foley)

Bootleg Greg (Fred Berry)

Hack Benjamin (Jumpsteady)

Dr. Dinglenut (Stefan Kudek)

Green Willie (Myzery)

Hazad (Alex Abbiss)

Old man Kissel (Kamal Ahmed)

The Director (John Cafiero)

Missy (Sindee Williams)

Grandma Sweets (Jeanmarie Evans)

Ring Announcer (Floyd Vivino)

Phat Tittie Kittie (Kimberlee “Kayla Kleevage” Chiapeti)

Father Duckett (Keith Perry)

Magic Ninjas (Bob Greenberg and Lee Willet)

Mike E Clark (Himself)

Suburban Mom (Florence Sturgeon)

Suburban Dad (John Hartmann)

Jerry Only (Himself)

Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein (Himself)

Michale Graves (Himself)

Dr. Chud (Himself)

Billy Bill (Himself)

Scared Funeral Guy (Tom Dub)

Police Officers (Eddie Santiage and Poncho Munoz)

Chain Snatching Victim (Christina Gutierrez)

Chief’s Assistant (Susan Caiafa)

Dolemite Girls (Adaku Arondiz, Sharlene Collado, Stephanie Redd, Sandra Schneider, Johanna Estevez, Tearanie Gibson)

Bodybuilders (Sharma Hyman and Terrence Spivey)

Naked Guy (Bo Arias Jr)

Strippers (Cynder Moon, XXXena and BB Gunns)

 

*Neyzor Blades reads the tag-line*

Neyz: “It’s New York City, and the crime lord Big Baby Sweets has got NYC around his finger. The NYPD is helpless so the Chief sends out for Sugar Bear, a 70s, Dolemite worshiping, rhyming supercop from San Fransisco to stop Big Baby, his Magic Ninjas, Hack Benjamin (Jumpsteady, and his 2 sidekicks, Big Stank and Lil’ Poot, with the help of Officer Harry Cox.”

W: Wonderful, white guys doing blacksploitation. This should be a barrel of laughs.

 

*Opening movie begins at a church here the Preacher says the only way to save their souls is to give up money. Meanwhile Sugar Bear narrates an intro with Big Baby Sweets and his crew Big Stank and Lil Poot. Sugar Bear says Baby Sweets ran New York and his boys couldn’t hurt a flea with a shotgun. Baby Sweets says to his own grandmother that she’s got 24 hours to come up with his MONEYYY. He throws her out but says to tell his dad to say hi. Big Stank says “Uh..my mom says hi and she’ll see you in church” Poot starts dancing*

N: Hahahahahhaa

 

*Baby Sweets says time to celebrate, they pull out huge lines of coke and Sugar says he needs help. We cut to The Chief getting visited by Sugar Bear who makes his enrtance*

N: That’s sexy.

 

*Sugar Bear rhymes everything he says*

N: I like how they do that.

 

*Chief brings up cockamamie thing Sugar Bear has done to establish him as a bad ass*

W: Oh I get it, they’re making a satire of blacksploitation.

 

*Chief says Sweets runs NYC and the entire city is in his pocket. Bear says his problem ain’t the streets, its Streets. Chief says Harry Cox is the only one who can help. Chief kicks his ass when he enters for wearing a hat*

N: Awww he’s so cute.

 

*Cox re-enters without his hat and they act like the previous scene didn’t happen. Sugar Bear doesn’t need a partner, he just wants someone to show him around town. Cox is intimidated*

W: Heh.

 

*Sugar Bear forgoes the cruiser for his Cadillac.  He plows into the cruiser*

W: Hahahaha

 

*The Misfits eat at Donut Hut*

W: That’s actually The Misfits.

N: No shit.

 

*Cox names all the donuts. Sugar asks how he’s gonna clean up the town when he knows more about donuts than bad guys. He looks like an idiot and Misfits laugh at him*

W: Dr. Chud is like what the fuck.

 

*Cox talks to a donut as some moron robs the place in an ape suit. Cox says that’s Ape Boy of Sweets’ gang. Sugar Bear grabs a banana and tosses it to him. Sugar kicks him in the gut and hits him with the DDT*

W: Mick Foley taught him that probably.

 

*Cox says he would have helped but he found a quarter on the ground*

W: Hahahaha.

 

*Ring announcer announces Big Baby Sweets entrance to his throne room*

N: This is my favorite part.

 

*Sweets “This meeting is about money..MY MONEYYYYY. Anybody want to fuck with my moneyyyyyy? Crowd “No Big Baby”. Stank and Poot make empty threats as Hank Benjamin in a ninja suit works security. Sweets “Who’s money is it? MY MONEY MOTHAFUKOOO”

N: My favorite.

 

*Sweets introduces everyone. “You are the cities deadliest mothafuckoos.”

W: I know her.

 

*Green Wllie sells fake gold everything and he hands Sweets his money. Hazad is the infomercial king and we get an impromptu infomercial for a fruit juicer*

W: Hhahaha

 

*Sweets cuts him off and asks for his money. Hazad says he’s got a check and Stank yells at him. Hazad pays cash instead. Phat Tittie Kittie is introduced*

W: Thats Kayla Kleevage, she used to work for Taylor St Claire.

N: How the fuck do you know that?

 

*Kittie hands him the money and flashes us*

W: This is no longer the words movie of all time.

 

*Sweets breaks the fourth wall and says that was for us watching*

N: See he knew you were watching.

 

*Sweets introduces him to his Bootleg Greg. He’s wearing a Master Pee hat and Adidass t-shirt. Stank and Poot approve. He asks for his money and Greg pulls out cash, but Benjamin blows him away. He turns over the moey and its fake. Everyone “Ohhhhhh”

W: Ohhhhhhh okay.

 

*Father Duckett hands Sweets his money and Sweets asks where Ape Boy is. They watch a VHS tape of Sugar Bear dropping Ape Boy with the DDT. He asks who that is and Kittie puts over Sugar Bear. Benjamin blows her away. Sweets “So much talent, such a waste.”

W: Well I’m done this movie’s over for me.

N: No stay right there.

 

*Sweets says they need to take out Sugar Bear and we cut to the strip club. 3 dancers perform*

W: This movie just got better.

 

*Missy does a striptease*

W: I know her too.

N: I’m sure you do.

 

*Sugar Bear says its his dream girl. He makes kissy faces at her and buys her a slice of pizza. Sugar hits on her*

N: That would be me.

 

*Sugar calls her a tantalizing tenderloin. She says her name is Missy, Sugar says he wants her tonight. She goes with him and takes the pizza with her*

N: There ya go.

 

*Missy strips for him*

N: I wonder if she feels weird.

W: Why would she? Its an acting role.

N: Are those custom made clothes?

W: Lane Bryant?

 

*Sugar feeds her Hostess Snowballs and throws his pants off*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Sugar and Missy “have sex” as she eats the Snowball*

N: Do guys get off on chicks being able to shove things in her mouth like that?

W: Oh yeah.

 

*Sweets, Stank and Poot shoot at stock footage of dear, hit nothing*

W: What was that?

 

*Some woman is robbed of her gold by Green Willie as Bear mounts Missy. Benjamin blows up a building CGI style with a bazooka. Bear cums and falls asleep as Cox radios Sugar Bear. He asks where Sugar Bear has been as Sweets has attacked the city. Cox says not to go after Sweets because he’s too bad. Sugar says he’s going after him*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Sugar says he’s gotta go, duty calls. A stunt double of a jacked naked guy walks away*

W: Oh come on.

 

*Cox hysterically honks for Sugar*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Stank and Sweets feed each other chips when Poot walks in with baby oil. Sugar Bear places them all under arrest. Meanwhile Chief says Cox shits his pants*

W: This is dialogue is making me sick.

 

*Sugar walks in and Chief says good job. Cox says they only have them for an hour. Sugar interrogates Sweets. Sweet “Mothafuckaaaaaa is it a crimeeeeeeeeee to have so much money you bitch ass mothafuckooooo”

W: I hate to say it but this is a satire of blacksploitation done right.

 

*Stank and Poot cry and give up Sweets instantly to Chief*

N: Hahaha.

 

*Sweets continues to act arrogant while Chief says they can’t charge Stank or Poot because they denied everything. Poot “This aint even real mannnn” Meanwhile Sugar and Sweets exchance mannerisms and Motherfuckas*

N: Hahahaha that’s hilarious.

 

*Stank and Poot continue to cry and give up Sweets as Chief calls them pussies*

W: Sugar Bear called it.

 

*Cox asks if he got anything out of Stank and Poot and Chief says no. Chief says to let them go and Cox gets his own spotlight where he says “Let’s hope they don’t retaliate and take more innocent lives.” Closeup of his eyes*

N: Hahahhaa.

 

*Sweets meets with Duckett, Willie and Hazad and says they didn’t make the message clear. Baby “He’s fuckin with my moneyyyyyeahaayyeywayyyyyyyyyyy”

N: Hahahahah

 

*Stank “Yeah, rub Sweets’ butt!” Everyone looks at him funny*

W and N: Hahahahahaha

 

*Every time someone says Sugar Bear, a noise is heard. Everyone acts like “where its coming from?*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Benjamin blows away Green Willie and Hazard Duckett goes to say a prayer and he’s blown away too*

W: If this wasn’t satire, I’d be mad because of “Take out your own guy”

 

*Sweets say they need to summon the Magic Ninjas. Stank and Poot “Magic magic ninjas whattttt, magic magic ninjas whatttt. Neyz does it along with them*

N: Magic magic ninjas whatttttt.

 

*The two ninjas appear and bump into each other and the scenery*

W: Hahahhaa.

 

*Sweets says they can’t kill Sugar Bear or else the movie is over. They need to hit Sugar where it hurts. Benjamin shows a picture of Missy and Poot recognizes her. Sweets “How do you know that fat bitch?” Poot “I seen her around the spot”

W: Yeah, ok.

 

*Sweets says they need to kill Missy to get Sugar Bear to get lost. Sugar says he needs to get some ass. He calls up Missy on a rotary phone in the car*

W: Hahahhaa

 

*Sugar says he’s coming to get Missy. Missy kicks out some fat guy in a cowboy hat*

W: What was the point of that?

 

*Magic Ninjas lure Missy with a trail of food on plates*

N: That’s how I feel when I’m high.

W: This is ridiculous, enough with the stereotype.

N: They’ve stereotyped EVERYONE.

W: Yeah you’re right.

 

*Ninjas kill Missy and spray blood everywhere. Ninjas walk downstairs and Sugar runs into them. He tells them to screw and they leave. He walks into Missy’s place with a gun and bag of taco bell. He finds Missy dead and slow motion screams, stops to eat a taco*

W: Hahhahaa

 

*Sugar says he gave up on being a cop after Missy died. He flashbacks listening to Chief and Cox. Sugar gives his badge to a beggar. Graphic 2 Weeks Later*

W: Really?

 

*Chief has to talk to Sugar but he’s holed up in his apartment with cans of Faygo everywhere*

W: Is that Faygo everywhere?

 

*Sugar does a line with vaccuming noises. He says he did take down a cartel….in a video game. Sweets says Cox is being held hostage. Sugar wants revenge but Cox says he’s nothing but a Dolemite wannabe. Dolemite’s real voice from a movie poster tells Sugar he’s right. The ghost of Dolemite appears*

N: Who’s that?

W: It really is Dolemite, Rudy Ray Moore.

 

*The Director tells them to keep to the script*

W: That’s actually the director.

 

*Dolemite is there to give him a pep talk to do it right like Dolemite*

W: THAT’S the Dolemite I remember.

 

*Dolemite says there’s a million juggalos watching him do his Dolemite shit and he’s backing off. He needs to get his act together for the bitches, not the kids*

W: Hahahahaha.

 

*Sugar stands up and says he’s gonna save Cox and get Sweets. He asks for Dolemite to help and he says “Hell no, you’re gonna have to pay me.” Sugar goes through a training montage*

N: The fuck is he wearing?

 

*Dolemite reads Pimps and Hoes magazine while Sugar Bear jump ropes*

W: Not exactly Rocky and Mickey.

 

*Dolemite is supposed to spot Sugar Bear lifting a barbell but spots a black girl bent over*

W: Bury your face in that.

N: You’re disgusting.

 

*Dolemite says the first thing you need to do is hypnotize a motherfucker. Later Sugar kicks the homeless bum to get his badge back*

W: Could have just asked for it.

 

*Chief says they’ll surrounded the area and the budget for the movie is almost out so he so he doesn’t have to worry about explosions when Sugar rescues Cox. Chief introduces Dr. Dinglenut who’s been in disguise all movie. He introduces a special ninja detector gun to take out the ninjas. His next target will be Hack Benjamin, Dinglenut hands him a dog whistle and the whistle will kill Benjamin. Then he hands him a remote control for Stank and Poot. Sugar says to grab Dolemite and let’s go. Chief says the budget ran out so Dolemite is gone. Sugar is on his own*

W: Now for the finale.

 

*Sugar Bear takes out two guards, one of them with a snap mare*

W: Ha, a snap mare.

 

*Sugar pulls out the ninja detector gun and fires, killing the one on the toilet. He fires a second time and kills the other one who was eating Chinese food. The fortune reads “You will be killed” before he dies*

W: Nice touch.

 

*Guard whacks off his gun and Sugar Bear drops him with a vulcan nerve pinch*

W: That was….weird.

 

*Sugar spots Stank and Poot playing dice when Benjamin holds him at gunpoint.  Sugar pulls out the whistle and blows on it, Benjamin’s head explodes. Poot asks what the fuck was that*

W: So much for him.

 

*Sugar pops up and says he’s there to take out Stank and Poot. Cox is happy he’s there. Sugar hits the remote control and all of a sudden Stank and Poot’s parents arrive. They call them Spaulding and Norwood. The father says they’re grounded and leads them away by their ears*

W: That was creative.

 

*Sugar Bear frees Cox and Sweets has a trap prepared for Sugar. Sugar finds a wrestling ring as Sweets says prepare to battle Cactus Sac. Cactus enters the ring*

W: The real Mick Foley.

N: It is!!!

 

*Sugar goes for the DDT but Cactus backdrops him. He clotheslines him and stomps away while trying not to say Have A Nice Day. He pounds away in the corner and hits the running knee smash*

W: I fee like I’m watching Raw.

 

*Cactus goes into Dude Love’s schtick but says “God dammit that’s not mine” Cactus hits the double underarm DDT and says its time for Mr. Saco. He puts on Mr. Saco and says “What the fuck is this thing?” before throwing it away. Cactus backdrops Sugar over the top rope and onto a wodden skid where his leg is impaled. Cactus “Bang bang!”

W: Yes!

 

*Cactus rolls Sugar inside and hits him with a steel chair. He goes up to the top for the big splash but Sugar pulls the wood out of his leg and impales Cactus on the way down. Cactus says “Right through the heart” and he dies*

W: So much for him.

 

*Sugar rolls Cactus off him but Sweets is waiting. Sweets says in real life Cactus would have fucked him up*

N: True.

 

*Sweets says Sugar Bear to trigger the sound effect. Finally Sweets has enough and asks where the sound is coming from. The sound director stands up and says him. Sweets shoots him*

W: That makes sense.

 

*Sweets says Sugar Bear but the guy is dead so no sound effect. Sweets cuts a promo on him but he’s shot from behind by his Grandma. “You broke, bitchass motherfucker.” Last scene is Chief with Dinglenut and Sweets says to reveal who Sweets is. Its been Cox the whole time. Chief is shocked*

W: Nice twist.

 

*The funeral Sugar Bear is at is for Big Baby Cox. He rubs his eyes and the preacher is Stank and the alter boy is Poot. Stank and Poot continue to preach*

W: Wait till I get off this cross so I can fuck you up!

 

*Big Baby Sweets and his crew shoot up the church to the credits. Sugar Bear shoots back*

W: Introducing everyone in the end credits.

 

*Billy Bill wasn’t in the movie*

W: Haahhahahaha

 

*Cox uses a squirt gun*

N: Hahahahaha

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I give it a 10 out of 10…out of all the shit you watch, this is the best.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7…I had a great time watching this. Some of the language I could do without but its par for the course with these two.

Final Grade: 8.5 out of 10 – Outstanding

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: I hate to say this but that was a lot of fun. Growing up in the early 00’s you had to make a choice, ICP or Eminem. So it was this or 8 Mile, I chose 8 Mile. This was actually pretty fun because it didn’t take itself seriously. If you can put up with this kind of rancid humor its actually a pretty decent tribute to blacksploitation. Well that about wraps up another insane adventure, have a pleasant evening.

 

 

261. Raw Deal (1986)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a Progresso soup can of Pepsi.*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair……welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates before entering the lair*

Warlock: After Among Dead Men, Lords of The Street and JCVD had Mr. America and I ready to drink drano, we hope and pray that the fourth movie in this “Action” pack is worth sitting those 3 piles of chimpanzee feces for.

*Mr. America is sitting in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

Mr. America: Whatever the fourth movie is could have fucking won an Oscar for all I care, NOTHING is going to make up for sitting through 3 bad movies to get to just one.

Warlock: Whatever, point is we have one left and it should be good.

America: What is it?

Warlock: The only one left, the 1986 action movie Raw Deal.

America: Wasn’t that an Arnold movie?

Warlock: Yes it is.

*America starts up the DVD player as Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s begin Raw Deal.

 

 

Written by Sergio Donati, Luciano Vincenzoni, Gary DeVore and Norman Wexler

Directed by John Irvin

 

Cast:

Mark Kaminsky/Joseph P Brenner (Arnold Schwarzenegger)

Monique (Kathryn Harrold)

Luigi Patrovita (Sam Wanamaker)

Paulo Rocca (Paul Shenar)

Max Keller (Robert Davi)

Baker (Ed Lauter)

Harry Shannon (Darren McGavin)

Marvin Baxter (Joe Regalbuto)

Marcellino (Mordecai Lawner)

Martin Lamanski (Steven Hill)

Amy Kaminsky (Blanche Baker)

Lamanski’s Girl (Louise Robey)

Dangerous Man (Victor Argo)

Killers (George P Wilbur and Denver Mattson)

Trager (John Malloy)

2nd Sergeant (Lorenzo Clemons)

Dingo (Dick Durock)

Spike (Frank Ferrara)

Thomas Rosales Jr (Jesus)

Carson (Jack Hallett)

Man in Tux (Leon Rippy)

Rice (Jay Butler)

Fake Statey (Norman Maxwell)

Rudy (Rony DiBenedetto)

Metzger (Tom Hull)

Saleswoman (Mary Cannon)

Patrovita’s goons (Gary Houston and Greg Noonan)

Blair Shannon (Steve Holt)

Shannon’s agent (Cedric Guthrie)

Driver (Gary Olsen)

Elevator Operator (Brooks Gardner)

Kinks Cashier (Pat Miller)

Stickman (Jery Hewitt)

Byron (James Eric)

Captain (Ralph Foody)

Bomb Squad Leader (Howard Elfman)

Trooper (John Hateley)

Brenner (Joel Kramer)

Bodyguards (Jeff Ramsey, Bill McIntosh, Ted Grossman)

Drunken Player (Kent Hays)

Rudy double (Greg Walker)

Tony’s bodyguard (Cliff Happy)

Patrovita’s bodyguard (Michael Adams)

Stationwagon Driver (Alex Ross)

Bearded Bodyguard (Sven-Ole Thorsen)

 

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “A former FBI agent turned small-town sheriff agrees to help the FBI chief infiltrate the Chicago mafia when the FBI chief’s son is killed by them.”

A: You know Seagal could never be in the running for this movie.

 

*Movie opens with an Amtrak train*

W: Starting in the subway

A: More like commuter rail.

 

*Bunch of guys walking together*

A: Oh boy, bunch of suits walking with ominous music.

 

*Helicopter approaches*

W: What kind of chopper is that?

A: MD 500.

 

*Man in Trilby shoots a gaggle of guards and radios three men in suits. Bunch of guys inside are playing Trivial Pursuit. The hit team blows everyone away with gunfire then a grenade is thrown inside. The four men surround the witness being protected and the leader shoots him in the head*

W: Woah yeah.

 

*Harry Shannon the FBI Chief tells Mike that whoever did this is dead when its revealed one of the slain officers was his son Blair*

W: And we have our plot.

 

*Really redneck country song plays as Mark Kaminsky chases a guy on a motorcycle in a Jeep Wrangler. He stops and lights a cigar and throws a lit cigar to ignire gasoline to drop him*

A: Told ya!

 

*Mark is the Sheriff and he wants the guy he was chasing booked for impersonating an oficer. Resisting arrest and host of offenses*

W: Isn’t that felony.

 

*Amy listens to opera music as Mark walks in. They have a fight because she’s bored in the country and he lost his job with the FBI because he was forced to resign rather than go to trial over a dispute he couldn’t win. She bakes a cake and writes shit on it, then throws it at him, he ducks and it hits the cabinets*

W: You’re cleaning that up, bitch.

 

*Mark “Don’t drink and bake”

W: Haha.

 

*Mark carries a drunken Amy to bed and drinks while listening to opera when the phone rings*

W: I miss those old phones.

 

*Harry calls Mark and says if he wants to see better days, meet him. Mark walks into the Community Services center marriage counseling room*

A: When did this come out?

W: 86.

A: When did Terminator come out?

W: 84.

 

*Marvin Baxter grills a corporate suit why hes so rich. Its revealed Baxter was the one who got Mark to resign because he brutalized a suspect who raped and murdered a child. Baxter gets the suit named Luigi Patrovita  to admit he’s friends with Paolo Rocca*

W: Its Sosa from Scarface. He died 3 years after this.

 

*Harry says his son was involved. Mark asks how he is*

A: Ha!

 

*Harry says he was murdered defending a witness. Rocca didn’t kill everyone himself but he had help. Harry wants Mark to go undercover into the mob to take everyone out from inside. Harry says if Mark can pull this off he can get his old job back. Mark is worried about passing a physical*

W: He could outrun all of us NOW in 2017.

 

*Mark cuts a lock off a power plant with bolt cutters*

W: What is he doing?

A: I’d say tresspassing.

 

*Marks radios in he’s investigating the tresspassing*

W: Ha, gave himself probable cause.

 

*Mark dumps gasoline all over his car. Runs and grabs a motorcylce then shoots an M-79 at the car and blows it*

W: That was an M-79

A: That was a flare gun.

 

*Harry on a tape recorder tells Mark he is sorry he had to kill himself off. Harry says to watch out for Martin Lamansky when he goes after the gang and to see him in Chicago. Next frame is Mark at a high rolling crapgame*

W: Yeah real high roller.

 

*Mark complains about the game and says he wants to see Lamansky. He throws two magnet balls and they come together meaning the table is rigged. Everyone grabs their money and runs. A fight breaks out with Lamansky’s gang and Mark. Mark beats them all up*

A: Love how he took an outright punch and didn’t flinch.

 

*Mark throws a guy straight up into a support beam. Mark says bye and the guy falls*

W: What was the purpose of just leaving?

 

*Mark gets into a tow truck and plows into the building. The leader goes “Oh shit”

W: Terrible acting.

 

*Mark smiles as he plows through*

W: Happy as a clam.

A: He doesn’t care.

 

*Lamansky meets with Rocca and Luigi. Luigi tells him to close up and get out or they’ll whack him in 2 days. Luigi says he doesn’t work for anyone or anybody in town. Luigi and his crew leave but a bus of assassins nearly takes out Luigi but Rocca saves him. Tony didn’t make it. Luigi calls Lamansky, who got away, a son of a bitch as they drive off in the shot up car*

W: Ha, they’re gonna drive the fucking car!

 

*Mark pulls a gun on a limo driver and waits for his girl to come out. He makes her take off all her jewelry*

W: Her clothes next, right?

A: No.

 

*Mark lets the driver and the girl out but takes the guy’s lunch. Driver “You took my lunch you sonovabitch!”

W and A: Hahahaha

 

*Mark greases a palm to get into a meeting with Rocca. He tells the bouncer to tell him he’s a pain in Lamansky’s ass. He lights a big cigar and tells a woman winning improves your wardrobe*

W: Not really.

 

*Mark meets with Rocca and gives him an alias. Max Keller is next to Rocca. Mark hands him the jewelry as proof. Mark says he wants in to get Lamansky and he’s from Miami. Rocca tells him to hit the tables and Mark says he’ll be back. Max says he doesn’t believe him at all*

W: The only smart one.

 

*Mark gives 1,000 dollars to Monique and leaves. He runs into an alley where he’s tailed by a gaggle of goons with Baker watching from a distance. Mark takes out the goons and they leave as Baker pulls up with the noise and the cherries. Baker asks if Mark had any trouble. Mark says no and hands him his fake ID. Baker says he’ll see him around. Mark is recorded spilling the mission while calling Harry. Meanwhile an FBI Squad led by Baker makes a raid*

W: Who was the girl?

 

*Luigi says 100,000 million just got raided and Lamansky is up his ass. He asked who got busted and Rocca says nobody got shot so they’ll all make bail. Luigi asks if Tony has been replaced and Rocca says he’s looking into it. Luigi wants the money and the smack back and Rocca says that’s not a good idea. Luigi says its his and he wants it back*

W: Greedy bastard.

 

*Rocca hires Mark to replace Tony with Max all pissed off. Rocca says if he’s wrong and Max is right, this is a temporary hire*

W: Heed the warning.

 

*Mark meets Monique who’s a degenerate gambler and he takes her on a date. He gets her loaded*

W: Why do I have a feeling he’s only pretending.

 

*Mark and a drunk Monique stagger into the bedroom. She rips his shirt off and he falls asleep. Monique “Great….”

W: Maybe he really is loaded.

 

*Monique checks out Mark’s fake ID and passport. Mark pretends to be asleep so she doesn’t notice him listening in. She sold him out to someone. Next morning Luigi and Rocca are trying to find his lost cash and smack. Sosa wants to talk Luigi out of it but Luigi says if they think something is too much for them its time to retire. He says this is fixed like wrestling*

W and A: WHAT???

 

*Mark hits up a strip club*

W: She’s HIDEOUS.

 

*Grace Jones sings I’ve Seen That Face Before*

W: That’s Grace Jones aka May Day from James Bond.

A: Cool.

 

*Max and Mark browbeat one of Laminsky’s men. They walk out and Baker meets them. Mark tells him everything is fine and they leave. Max asks who was that and Mark says hes the one that was there when he knocked out the men Max sent after him. Max smiles*

W: You were testin meeeeeeee.

 

*Laminsky puts the hit out on Mark. Meanwhile Monique and Mark meet Rocca at a party. Luigi wants to meet Mark. Meanwhile Max is drunk and makes a scene which makes Rocca tell him to go eat something. Max takes a photo with Mark and says he’ll say he’ll send him and 8×10, Mark says keep it. Meanwhile Monique is working for Max to dig dirt on Mark. Mark and Luigi banter back and forth*

W: We got all sorts of different shit going on in this movie.

 

*Luigi asks if Mark has ever killed before. He says 3 times and says he’ll give him names and addresses. Luigi gets pissed and says he likes smart but not smart asses. He throws him out and Mark says nice meeting you. Luigi alone with Rocca says he doesn’t know about him. Tells Rocca not to let him in too far too fast*

W: Smart man.

 

*Max uses a photocopier to send the pictures he took to someone. Meanwhile Mark goes shopping with Monique. Laminsky’s men spot them an walk into the store. He threatens Mark and Mark tells the clerk to call security and he belts one of the men. Monique clocks another guy with a flowerpot*

A: With the assist!

 

*Monique swings away with a mannequin arm as Mark beats up the others and punches the leader through a window. She grabs the dresses and leaves without paying with Mark*

W: Hahaha.

 

*Luigi plots with Max and Rocco to steal the loot they lost and Rocca says its crazy. Luigi says it can be done and Rocca says that was an inside job. Rocca says how are they gonna do it and from across the room Mark says a bomb. He says to call in a bomb threat to every police station in the city. Luigi smiles*

W: Hahaha blame Laminsky.

 

*A small bomb is placed in vending machines at a police station in Chicago as a warning*

W: Good thinking.

 

*Harry Shannon goes over the bomb evidence. Baxter walks in and Harry says this is personal, fuck justice. Max meets with Monique for intel and she’s got nothing. She says the only time she’ll ever lay next to him is if they’re run over by the same car. He goes to touch her but Mark stops him and pulls a gun. He tells Max to buzz off and when he’s alone with Monique, he says Laminsky’s men will come back. She says she’ll stick with him as long as hes not married and he admits he is. She asks where his wife is and he says far away from there. She’s miffed when he says he’s a friend*

W: He friendzoned her.

A: Ha!

 

*Moniue says if she wants friends she’ll go to summr camp. Before she leaves she rips her dress off and throws it at him. She rips the drink out of Max’s hands and smashes the glass*

W: That went well.

 

*Mark meets with Harry and updates him that Luigi is after the money and smack. Mark says if they stop the raid, Luigi will know there’s a leak and he’ll finger Mark because he’s new. Harry says to let them have the money, they have bigger fish to fry. Mark says his cover is more exciting than he is and Harry says not to let it go to his head*

W: It will.

 

*Max is bringing Mark and a goon on a random mission, Mark says its not wise to go into something half cocked. Meanwhile Luigi’s men prepare to raid the police HQ where Luigi’s shit is. The chief says to clear the building. The SWAT team called to case the bomb are Luigi’s men in disguise. Max is overseeing the operation*

W: The big raid.

 

*Luigi’s men prepare to steal as Max wants Lemansky shot dead but there’s too many people around. The raid continues as Max chases Lemansky’s car. Max says they’re going to run him off the road and Mark argues their car is bigger. Mark pulls a gun and Max’s cover is blown. A chase scene reveals its a bulletproof car to boot*

W: Shooting it is not gonna do any good.

 

*Max drives directly in front of Lemansky’s car*

W Let’s play chicken.

 

*Max and Mark cap a few of Lemansky’s men before forcing Lemansky’s car to drive into an oil tanker and explode*

W: That takes care of him.

 

*Luigi’s men run off with the money and smack. Meanwhile Max shows the photo to Harry himself. Harry refers to Mark as his alias and says he’s busted him a few times. Max pays him off. Meanwhile Harry’s partner is revealed to be working for Luigi and he tells him there’s a rat in the family. Max walks in and says Mark’s alias, Luigi laughs*

W: Uh oh.

 

*Mark meets Monique and gives her his car keys and says to go home, she kisses him and Max beeps the horn to tell him to get going. Max and Mark get in the car as Max gives Monque the signal for something*

W: Something….

A: Is afoot!

 

*Max and Mark meet in a cemetary, Max says Mark will be taking out a cop. The two men and another goon walk up to the guy. Its Harry. Mark recognizes him and the goon hits Harry with a shotgun blast. Mark kills the goon and Max and runs up to Harry. Harry says to get out of there before the cops catches him. Monique pulls up as Harry runs and makes him get in*

W: So that’s it for Max and Lemansky….only Rocca and Luigi to go.

 

*Mark tell Monique to pack her things and hit the airport, he’s going after Luigi. Meanwhile Mark hears Harry’s voice as he showers. Then he pulls out a bag*

W: Are we gonna get a montage?

 

*The bag is full of guns*

A: Yup.

 

*Mark loads all sorts of machine guns, shotgun and pistols*

W: He gonna kick somebodies ass.

 

*Mark dresses in a wifebeater and black leather jacket*

W: Stealing my look.

 

*Mark shoots the windshield up and listens to Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones*

W: Why?

 

*Mark drives toward the gravel pits and hits a guy on a crane from 150 feet away*

A: I love how the stationary guy can’t hit a moving vehicle but the guy moving in a car can hit the stationary guy.

 

*Mark plugs various goons and plows into a bulldozer, ending the song*

W: Mick Jagger didn’t make it.

 

*Bulldozer lines up with a mack truck for a sandwhich job*

W: Why doesn’t he just get out?

A: Now he sees it.

 

*Mark jumps out at the last second and plugs the bulldozer guy. He runs into the office and wipes out the guys who raided the police station before plugging the guy in the mack truck*

Now what?

 

*Mark calls the cops after he realizes this is where all the money and smack is. Rocca, Baxter and Luigi watch the news where all the contraband is taken into custody. Rocca says Mark is probably dead. Suddenly Rocca sees Mark shooting his way in. They all load up and the elevator and shoot it when it comes up. No one is in there

A: Hes not stupid.

 

*Mark wipes out 20 guys one by one*

A: I love how these guys are not even trying to find cover.

 

*Bearded goon shoots away*

W: He plays a henchmen in every movie.

 

*Luigi makes it to cover with some men as Baxter cowers in the corner. Luigi and Rocca run upstairs and Luigi shouts to call the cops. Rocca is suddenly blown away by Mark. Luigi runs for it and Mark guns him down too*

W: Bye bye mob.

 

*Mark finds Baxter and hands him a gun saying his choice. He walks off and Baxter pops up, Mark turns around and shoots him dead. Later on Baker goes over the crime scene and says he knows who did this*

W: Gee, I wonder.

 

*Baker has Luigi’s car tailed as Mark sends Monique on the plane with 250 grand. She kisses him goodbye*

W: She’ll blow it in two seconds.

A: Probably.

 

*Monique waives bye on the plane*

W: BOOM!

A: Ha, I wish.

W: What kind of plane is that?

A: Navaho.

 

*Baker runs up to Mark and says he figured he was one of them. Meanwhile Harry is alive but is sad. He doesn’t want to be a cripple. Meanwhile Mark walks up and says to see better days. Mark is back with the FBI and his wife is happy. He forces Harry to get up and walk. Mark says Amy is pregnant and he wants Harry to be the godfather. He motivates Harry to walk again and with great effort he does. They embrace*

W: This is….kind of inspirational.

 

*End credits*

A: Aww what a sweet ending.

 

Mr. America’s Assesment: I give it a 5. It was okay. It had some entertaining moments.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6, it was a mindless popcorn movie but it was easy to sit through. It had a straightforward plot, some good action and some humor.

Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: Well that was good, not good enough to sit through 3 bad movies to get to this but still good enough. It was a straightforward popcorn movie, nothing special but not bad either. Typical 80’s action, nothing more and nothing less.

America: If that was the “action” four pack then I refuse to sit through the three pack.

Warlock: Oh yes you will.

America: Ha, and why should I?

*Warlock shows him the cover*

America: Oh okay.

Warlock: Well that wraps up another good-tastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.

260. JCVD (2008)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, I SURVIVED SHARKNADO t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a flask of Pepsi*

W: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots lightning before walking inside*

W: Tonight we continue our coverage of the 4 pack “Action” set that Mr. Wallstreet donated with the third movie.

*Mr. America is sitting in the recliner wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

A: After the first two sucked hard, this better be good. I’m gonna hunt him down if its not.

W: I have a feeling it will, at the least the last two features actors we actually know.

*Warlock starts up the DVD, America picks the third movie*

A: What the hell is JCVD?

W: I assume it stars Jean Claude Van Damme. What he does or what its about I have no idea.

A: Why do I have a feeling it won’t be good?

W: Have some pride man! Its Jean Claude Van Damme, how bad could it be?

A: I’ll hold you to that.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: So let’s get started with JCVD.

 

 

Written and Directed by Mabrouk El Mechri

 

Cast:

Jean-Claude Van Damme (Himself)

Veuve Film Budapest (Valerie Bodson)

Lt. Smith (Herve Sogne)

Asian Realtor (Rock Chen)

Asian Tractor (Huifang Wang)

Ex Fan (John Flanders)

Bonnet Homme (Zinedine Soualem)

Otags (Claudio Dos Santos, Raphaelle Lubansu, Michel Bouis)

Eric (Olivier Bisback)

Kepi’s (Pascal Lefebvre and Jacky Lambert)

Bruges (Francois Damiens)

Leon (Alan Rossett)

JCVD’s sister (Saskia Flanders)

JCVD’s mom (Liliane Becker)

JCVD’s dad (Francois Beukalaers)

Detenu (Gregory Jones)

Tobey Wood (Paul Rockenbrod)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “Jean Claude Van Damme gets involved in a bank robbery with a hostage situation and reflects about his life during it”

A: How long does this standoff last?

 

*Silhoutte of adult kicks the crap out of a silhoutte of a kid*

W: Hahahahhaa

A: That was awesome!

 

*Jean Claude Van Damme beats the crap out of enemies and shoots them in a military setting*

W: This movie is wasting no time.

 

*JC wipes out a whole military base by himself and grabs a hostage that was taken. He heaves a grenade and takes out 10 people*

W: Ha, look how that guy jumped.

 

*JC throws sand in the guy’s face*

A: Nice

 

*Its revealed its only a movie he was in*

W: Ohhhhhh, really?

 

*JC whines he’s 47 years old and he can’t do scenes in one take*

W: Nice we got subtitles.

 

*Lawyer tries to bury JC’s character by bringing up his old movies without actually showing them. JC “Can I go to the restroom please?”

W: Ha!

 

*Really bad dubbed dialogue*

W: That is totally dubbed.

 

*Arab guy says in the 70’s it was Soviets as bad guys, now its arabs. He and his friend take pics with him. Some woman scoffs at him as the arab guy says he left that shithole for Hollywood, what did she ever do?*

W: Ha.

 

*Police guy shows up and the two fans show him the pictures, he takes their sides. A bullethole shatters the lady’s window*

W: Woah, what was that?

A: You’re right this is shit dubbing.

 

*JC tells the cop to get out of there and he smashes his hand through the window*

W: Good way to cut your hand up.

 

*A gun fires from point blank range and only tags him in the leg. The cop runs and radios for backup that JC himself is robbing the post office*

A: Hahahaha what?

 

*The police use the 2 fans video store as a base. The police chief Bruges tells him to release a hostage, JCVD says its impossible*

W: They think he did it.

 

*Lt Smith shows up and JC calls back and says Bruges and a doctor can come in but unarmed. Meanwhile 2 men walk outside in their underwear*

W: Why are they in their underwear?

A: I don’t know.

 

*Crowd chants lose the shorts*

W: They want them naked…..this country is weird.

 

*The doctor and Bruges enter, JC has a guy at gunpoint and tells him the guy hurt is in the next room. They tend to the downed man before the doctor attacks, JC throws paper at him. Some weirdo with long hair pulls a gun. Its revealed the hostage is the real robber along with long hair guy. The guy in a tie praises JC’s acting ability and lets him watch tv*

W: Ohhhh, I get it now.

 

*Beard robber tells head robber that they can’t kill JC first, they need him alive for ransom. Meanwhile Bruges yells at Smith for almost getting him killed. They yell at each other*

A: I see they’re getting along nicely.

 

*The swat team laughs at Bruges running out in his underwear on video*

W: I’d laugh too.

 

*Bruges wants the kid released and a really bad dub of JC argues with him*

W: Even JC is dubbed! His own voice!

 

*JC read some demands when robber in tie says “Hey dumbass” to leader robber*

W: Hahhaha

 

*JC watches tv with the hostage*

W: Put on Bloodsport or something.

 

*Leon is mentioned in a custody battle. JC ponders*

W: Flashback time?

A: Could be.

 

*Claudia is asked whether she wants to live with mom or dad (JC) and she says mom because kids make fun of her when he’s on tv*

W: That sucks.

 

*JC’s agent tells him some roles that are available. He argues that he’d rather get paid nothing and be in a huge movie then get paid handsomely to a direct to video shitfest*

W: First world problems.

 

*JC tunes out the agent and says he lost his daughter. Agent says he’ll get over it*

W: It would be funny if he wore a cowboy hat.

A: Why???

 

*JC wears a snap brim hat and gets in a car with a sappy song playing*

W: This music sucks.

 

*JC gets a phone call and its Leon. The check bounced and he has to drop the case unless he gets the money by noon. This is where the fans meeting him picks up*

W: Ok so we flashed back about 10 minutes….whoopie.

 

*JC walks into the Post Office and knocks on the door. Tie robber answers and tells him they’re closed. Bad dub of JC’s voice tries to get in*

W: There’s two different voice actors for his dub, was that by design?

 

*JC argues hs way in where he asks the clerk for cash but she says there isn’t any. JC asks people to take up a collection and he needs 600, she tells him she can’t and he freaks in the bad dub voice. He hasn’t slept in 2 days. he’s jetlagged and he needs money. Leader robber and Tie robber pull guns and JC thinks he’s on candid camera*

W: Hahahaha.

 

*Leader robber pistol whips JC and tells Tie to put him with the others. Beard robber runs in and one of the hostages attacks Tie. Tie shoots the guy and the bullet goes through to the outside. This is where JC tries to send the cop away*

A: I don;t think he’s opening up.

 

*Beard and Tie argue what to do and JC tells them to turn themselves in. Leader says they can shoot everyone but he’s not turning himself in. Meanwhile Bruges is informed JC is robbing the Post Office. Meanwhile Leader and Beard argue before the call is placed. Back in real time fan takes a picture of Bruges*

W: Lot of good that will do.

 

*JC tells Tie that in Hard Target he got knocked out by a blank shot. Tie tries to tell the hostages that JC is great but scares them because he’s waving the gun around*

W: He’s waving it around.

 

*Tie tells JC that he’s 10 times better than Steven Seagal*

W: Unless Seagal plays a….

A: Ex-CIA agent…or a former Operative!

 

*Tie intimidates a hostage who was laughing at JC*

W: Hahahaha.

 

*A payphone inside the Post Office rings*

W: A payphone?

A: Really?

 

*Tie has JC kick a cigarette out of a hostage’s mouth. He makes everyone gives him a hand*

W: This guy’s a big fan hahahaha.

 

*Tie tries to do the kick himself and says its been a few years. JC “So don’t do it!”

W: Yeah really.

 

*Tie kicks the guy in the head*

A: Yeah that didn’t work.

 

*Bruges shouts on a megphone to JC and Leader figures out they think JC is behind it. Meanwhile the fan takes pics of JC’s stuff*

W: Is this really that big of deal?

 

*Leader tells JC to pretend to be a robber, we go back to Bruges calling JC from earlier*

W: This is flashback done horribly wrong.

 

*Leader and Beard argue that if they kill anyone, they screwed. It was JC’s idea to send Bruges and the other guy in by their underwear*

A: So the last hour is a synopsis of the first 10 minutes?

W: Pretty much. That’s why I said this is a flashback that sucks.

 

*Flashback of JC trying to withdraw money but none of his cards work. He almost gets run over and the motorist says sorry he didn’t recognize him. JC calls his agent and the agent says Seagal got the part because he cut off his ponytail*

A: Hahaha in this movie’s world, that’s actually funny.

 

*JC gets offered the role of No Limit Injuries 2*

A: He sounds THRILLED!

 

*Whining woman from earlier was his cab driver and she yells at him for trying to shut her up*

A: You’re right, this is a poorly done flashback.

W: We got…*locks*….FOURTY MINUTES LEFT? Ughhhhhhhh.

A: With the music, this sounds like they were going for Noir.

W: Yeah I agree…it just failed.

 

*Whining cab lady continues to berate him and JC keeps saying “Yes madame”*

W: Belgium women are persistent.

 

*SWAT teams surround the city bloc along with the cheering crowd*

W: The best part of this movie is the cheering JCVD fans.

 

*Smith, Blonde and Bruges go over the battle plan*

A: This is a poorly done My Name Was Bruce. That movie he was making fun of himself, this is just depressing.

 

*Bruges says the money transfer went through as long as he lets the kid go. JC says he’ll call back. Meanwhile JC’s parents show up and want to talk him out of it*

W: That’s not his real parents.

A: Of course not.

 

*Leader robber argues with Tie robber*

W: I hate Take Out Your Own Guy….I hate it.

 

*Beard tells Leader not to shoot JC. Leader relents and trashes the place as the phone rings*

A: He’s venting.

 

*Smith tells the parents their maniac son is taking hostages*

W: Maniac son haha.

 

*JC’s mom tries to talk JC into releasing the kid. JC says he’ll do it and Leader gets pissed. One on one JC says it was his mother. Leader says the last time he saw his own mother was when he was born. Tie gets ready to release the kid. Bruges calls JC’s lawyer*

W: He looks like Larry Fine.

A: Or a low budget Danny Devito.

 

*JC and Leader says each other is lucky as the phone rings. Beard drags woman away and Tie takes the kid. Leader grabs the woman and Lawyer gets on the phone. JC asks if he got the money, Lawyer says he did. JC “Okay um…do your job” and hangs up*

W: Hahahaha

 

*The door opens and the bank clerk is let go but the kid is still inside*

W: Leader with the power play.

A: The more hostages they let go, the worse they are.

W: Why?

A: The more hostages they let go, the more people that will vouch that JC is innocent.

 

*JC’s bad overdubbed talks to himself*

A: What is this?

 

*JC talks to the camera about his karate past and his ex wives*

W: Nice soliloquoy huh?

A: No!

 

*JC talks about how easy it was to get drugs*

W: That I believe.

 

*JC continues to ramble on in the bad overdubbed voice*

W: 25 minutes left…..ugh.

 

*JC prays to God that nobody gets shot. This is not a movie, this is real*

W: Yeah right.

 

*JC ends the speech and Tie is crying*

W: Hahahahaha, I get it now, he was performing for him.

 

*Arthur is Tie’s real name. JC tries to convince Arthur to let the hostages go. He says to raise the door and just run*

W: Ha good plan.

 

*Leader and Arthur go back and forth*

W: I can’t shit on the dialogue too much because its dubbed. Real emotion gets lost in the looping.

 

*Leader and Beard figure out JC is releasing hostages. One gets free but Leader puls the other one inside. JC gets shot and he tackles Leader. He wrestles with him as JC’s mom cries that he’s dead. Arthur pulls a gun on Leader*

W: A face turn?

 

*JC’s Lawyer fires him on camera. JC then goes nuts and shoots an empty gun at Beard before he slinks down. Arthur says he’s 52 and doesn’t need this. Leader says he fucked his mother and Arthur shoots him between the eyes. Leader rambles as Beard walks in*

A: Well he shot him.

W: What? He said no mothers!

A: I’m not gonna claim to be a doctor but when someone is shot in the head, I don’t think you’re able to speak coeherently.

 

*Beard answers the phone and says JC shot him in the head without mentioning any names. The SWAT team prepares for dynamic entry and Arthur asks JC for an autograph when this is over*

W: Hahhaha.

 

*Arthur is with JC and the hostages and JC tells him not to shoot at them. The SWAT team shoot Arthur and the movie goes silent*

W: What happened to Beard?

 

*JC is dragged out but is dragged back in by Beard. He shoots a few officers and holds JC at gunpoint. JC staggers*

W: Finish this please.

 

*Beard runs outside holding JC at gunpoint in front of everyone*

W: Don’t they have snipers?

A: Yeah.

 

*JC disarms the guy and spinkicks him and adores the cheering crowd, the film cuts*

W: Hahaha he was dreaming it.

 

*JC stomps on the guys foot for real and Beard is arrested along with JC. Bruges is under investigation by Smith for extortion*

W: What just happened?

A: I don’t know.

 

*Arthur is lying dead in the Post Office*

W: So much for him.

 

*Leader is lying dead too*

W: Him I don’t care about.

A: Easiest scene to film.

 

*A few months later JC shows up at his trial in sunglasses and stones the reporters cold*

W: He’s got his swagger back.

 

*JC has been convicted and will serve 3 years in prison. While in prison he teaches martial arts to prisoners*

W: Hahahahhaa

 

*JC’s mom calls him on the prison phone and lets Claudia talk next. She says hi, he says hi….end credits*

W: That’s….it?

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3. That sucked and was confusing. It took an hour to run through a 10 minute scene.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 3. That was worse than Lords of The Street and that’s saying something. The story was abysmal even though it had a few unintentionally funny scenes.

Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – Abysmal

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: Well that fucking sucked. I honestly can’t believe a movie starring Van Damme could be that bad. I know his life somewhat went to shit after his heyday but that was absolutely ridiculous. I understand what the concept was supposed to be but the framing and the actual editing were horrendous. The acting wasn’t bad and the story wasn’t that awful but the presentation was HORRIBLE.

America: See? I told you it was gonna suck. We’re 0 for 3 with this damn “Action” pack. I’m gonna run Wallstreet over with my panzer the next time he’s in town.

W: Well let’s not jump to conclusions, we still have one movie left.

A: You think one movie could make up for 3 bad ones?

W: Well it stars Governor Arnold.

A: Unless its the second coming of Predator, I’m not convinced.

W: We’ll see when the time comes. As for now, JCVD sucked and not recommended. That wraps up another craptastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.

259. Lords of The Street (2008)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a Robert Langdon t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a water bottle of Dr. Pepper*

W: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and enters the lair*

W: Tonight we continue our 4 pack coverage with the second movie in that pack.

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: And which one is that?

Warlock: I don’t know, let’s pick one.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch and the DVD starts*

W: How about Lords of The Street?

A: Sounds good…..well  not really, what’s it about?

W: I don’t have a damn clue, but let’s find out.

 

 

Written by Tony Faia, Dan Garcia and Sheldon Robins

Directed by Amir Valinia

 

Cast:

Thorn (DMX)

Raymond (Kris Kristofferson)

Detective McCoy (Sheldon Robins)

Myesha (Veronica Berry)

Bartender (Eric F Adams)

Myrtle (Lisa Arnold)

Deputy Saranhoff (Randy Austin)

Travis Roundtree (Ameer Baraka)

Pedro (J. Omar Castro)

Dr. Tramden (Richard Diggs)

Lano (Zacharias Foppe)

Captain Jeffries (Shanna Forrestall)

Thug Twin (Dan Garcia)

Ms. Wong (Debby Gaudet)

Hospital Patient (Charles Jupiter)

Santiago (Armando Leduc)

Tyrone (Escalante Lundy)

Chavez (Jon McCarthy)

Mexican Thug (Sam Medina)

Sheriff Steele (Wayne Douglas Morgan)

Derrick Johnson (Yohance Myles)

Taylor (Christopher Newhouse)

Abuelo (Antonio Paone)

Maria (Ciera Payton)

Jimmy (Alec Rayme)

Officer Anderson (Staci Robbins)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Set in post-Hurricane Katrina New Orleans. A brutal Mexican drug lord busts out of jail to retrieve the 15 million that his girlfriend is hiding. Can he find the girl and the cash before the cops track him down?”

America: Hopefully the cops don’t do a very good job otherwise there won’t be a movie.

 

*Most Wanted*

A: This is not a most wanted film, probably least wanted.

 

*Opening credits*

W: Camera work sucks already.

 

*Thorn and Roundtree chase a car and discuss music*

W: Country vs Rap.

 

*Raymond calls Roundtree an asshole*

W: Ha.

 

*Suicide bomber blows his car, Raymond taunts Roundtree*

A: This movie has a better budget than the previous.

 

*Opening credits and song*

W: I wanted a DMX soundtrack, this sucks.

A: Nice shot of the Superdome. Your hopes are way too high for this movie.

 

*Fat redneck security guard beats up a prisoner. Chain gang makes its away to the prison*

W: You know somebody is gonna bust out.

A: Nooooo…really?

 

*Prisoner taunts the Doctor and fat guy beats him up again*

W: Ha.

 

*Other prisoners prepare for a jailbreak disguised as orderlies*

W: Nobody can see this coming?

 

*Orderly opens fire with a machine gun. Caps one guard but fat redneck remains. Redneck radios for backup*

W: Did the smart thing.

 

*White prisoner sneaks up on fat guy an shoots him in the head. Mexican drug lord along with white prisoner and orderlies make a run for it to a chopper*

W: What kind of chopper is that?

A: Sikorsky.

W: Would be nice to get some names for these guys.

 

*Raymond yells at Myrtle for not putting his shirts in order. Myrtle says his oldest son had a job interview and he borrowed one of his shirts. Alan got the job. Travis shows up and Raymond asks what he’s doing there*

W: Free breakfast.

 

*Raymond’s youngest son tells Travis he’s made it to level 4*

W: He’s playing an original Gameboy in 2008.

 

*Raymond and Roundtree insult each other in blatantly obvious green screen*

W: That looks like shit.

 

*The drug lord’s name is El Gato Santiago. Apparently he capped the white prisoner and dumped the body. Raymond and Roundtree get the lowdown on Santiago from Captain Jefferies. They take off and we cut to the chopper*

W: Is that the same chopper?

A: Yes.

 

*Santiago’s goons cap the chopper pilot and drive off in a van*

W: That’s gratitude for ya.

 

*Roundtree and Raymond browbeat Elliot. He says the Santiago gang came to buy fuel from him in the Warehouse district a few days ago. Raymond “Thank you for protecting the citizens of New Orleans” Elliot “Why do I find that hard to believe?”

W: Hahahaha

 

*Myesha runs a grocery store and she says goodbye to a customer. Meanwhile Raymond and Roundtree hit up a crackhouse and Jimmy won’t talk. Roundtree and Raymond play good cop, bad cop russian roulette*

W: That would have been funny if he actually blew his head off.

 

*Jimmy talks that Santiago uses his warehouse. Jimmy says he has a family*

A: Every guy uses that line.

 

*Roundtree says US Customs will be by shortly*

W: Would love to see him hauled off in handcuffs.

 

*Raymond says he’s traumatized from Vietnam. Roundtree says to toughen up. Raymond says Desert Storm and Vietnam were two different things*

W: So we’re establising they’re both vets.

 

*Raymond and Roundtree discuss Ray Charles*

W: Where the fuck is DMX?

 

*Thorn loads a gun*

W: There he is.

 

*Roundtree gets intel from Jefferies that the pilot is dead and he has no face*

A: Uh, he got shot in the chest.

 

*Jefferies tells Roundtree to find Santiago’s girl*

W: That would be easy.

 

*Ms. Wong is wearing a straw hat*

W: Can this get any more racist?

A: You’re giving this movie way more thought than it deserves.

 

*Roundtree wants to see Baby Junior. Bartender lets him in. Roundtree gets intel on Santiago*

A: I hope this guy didn’t think this would be his breakout hollywood role.

W: Nah, he was in The New Guy.

 

*Baby Junior says Santiago’s hiding 15 million in cash with his girlfriend Maria. The cartel wants it bad. Thorn is playing pool and he says the wrath of God is coming*

W: Who’s side is he on?

 

*Roundtree calls Raymond who’s in the middle of fucking Myrtle*

A: Ha. I don’t really blame him for not answering the phone.

 

*Roundtree heads to the docks alone. Two guys tell him to beat it and head to Burbon Street. Roundtree plugs one of them named Pedro and figures out they’re after Maria*

W: Uh oh.

 

*Maria grabs an iron and hears a knock on the door. Its Roundtree, he says when she wants to talk he’ll be outside*

W: She’s not gonna run outside in her underwear you idiot.

 

*Roundtree falls asleep and Maria wakes him up and asks for breakfast*

W: Waffle House time.

 

*Raymond and Jefferies go on a picnic, Raymond complains about the bugs and birdshit. She yells at him to find Maria*

W: Is he gonna complain the whole movie?

A: I suppose so.

 

*Roundtree takes Maria to breakfast. She says no presinct, no cops. Meanwhile Raymond goes at it with Myrtle again*

A: Hahahha!

 

*Raymond washes his hands religiously*

W: He’s like Howard Hughes.

A: The Aviator? Yeah really.

 

*Maria says she doesn’t care about Santiago anymore. The street cars are still running*

W: At least we’re getting SOME bonding moments. Better than the last movie.

 

*Ponytails and Bear ride a boat*

W: Is that Beard from Snowbeast?

A: Heh, 30 years later.

 

*Santiago is hiding in a swamp house. Ponytails says they’ll find Maria, Santiago says he needs to get the money to his uncle or he’s dead*

W: Well then all Raymond’s crew has to do is wait it out, the cartel will take care of him.

 

*Santiago caps 2 guys and tells Ponytails to find Maria*

A: He just did your favorite thing, “Take out your own guys”

W: I…HATE…that.

 

*Ms Wong says Maria has child bearing hips and she and Roundtree could have four boys*

W: What?

 

*Thorn calls Junior and he needs to know “where he is”. Junior says keep your eyes closed and ears open. Junior says he’ll give him 300 grand and Thorn says no, he’s out for blood*

W: I don’t know who he’s after but they’re dead.

 

*Roundtree and Maria bond*

A: They changed clothes, did they fast forward?

W: I guess.

 

*Maria tells Roundtree of all the horrible things Santiago started doing. He broke her jaw before she hid the money. Maria says its her only leverage against him, she dies, he loses the money*

W: Ok, then take her to New York or something, Santiago will never find her and the cartel will wipe him out.

 

*Junior wants Black to send a message to Thorn to check in on an arms deal coming their way*

W: Wonderful.

 

*Santiago says in Juarez he was treated like a king*

W: Again, take Maria to work or the circus, Santiago can’t find her….they cap him, movie’s over.

A: You’re giving this way too much thought.

 

*Man in hat says his uncle is not unreasonable. The uncle broke him out and gave him some men. He says there’s a plane leaving for Juarez with guns on it. If Santiago is on the plane with the money, he’ll be ok. If the money isn’t there, his ears and balls will be cut off*

W: Wonderful.

 

*Raymond calls Roundtree and says there’s an arms deal going down in 15 minutes. Roundtree leaves her behind*

W: Don’t leave her behind you moron.

 

*Beard leads a boat with Baby Junior and Black to Santiago’s*

W: Uh oh.

 

*Santiago has Baby Junior killed and Santiago tells his goon to cut Blacks balls off, he does but off camera*

W: That would have been scary if they showed it.

 

*Raymond gets to the warehouse where the guns are being loaded. He just starts shooting*

W: No freeze, no police, he just starts shooting?

 

*Roundtree gets there and helps Raymond out. Roundtree “You gonna start listening to my music?” Raymond “Tupac? Fuck it I’ll stay here.”

W: Ha!

 

*Roundtree says they’ll start with Naughty By Nature first. Raymond “Ok you win”

W: Naughty By Nature, damn.

 

*Some dickhead shows up and says Roundtree and Raymond blew their investigation and he’ll have his badge. Roundtree says they’re getting away. Dickhead says let them go, they’re small time*

W: Who’s this asshole?

 

*Maria leaves Roundtree a note saying there’s only one way to settle this*

W: Is she gonna split?

 

*Detective McCoy is grilling Roundtree about where the money is. Roundtree says Raymond got there first and he’s in critical. TV says Raymond is wounded and in critical. Myrtle and son gets scared*

W: Ah he’s ok.

 

*Thorn talks in bible verses and kills 3 vatos*

W: Would be nice to know who those clowns were.

 

*Guy in hat says they’re gonna try to eliminate Santiago. Meanwhile some hospital patient is next to Raymond. Maria calls Santiago and says she’ll hand over the money*

W: Are you joking? Then again there would be no movie.

 

*Jefferies yells at Roundtree and asks where the girl and the money is. He tells her he doesn’t know anything about it and she says to use his big black head*

W: Would you object if he knocked her out?

A: Eh.

 

*Jefferies says to bring in Maria or she’ll throw him to IA*

W: That’s blackmail.

 

*Maria meets with Ponytails. Meanwhile Thorn caps more thugs looking for Santiago. Apparently his little sister was taken by him*

W: Now we’re getting somewhere.

 

*Roundtree finds the note. Meanwhile Myrtle cries to Raymond and says to retire, she doesn’t want to be a widow*

W: Can’t blame her.

 

*Myrtle says she’s having another boy*

W: She’s like 50, how can she have another kid?

 

*Roundtree hits up the bar to get loaded*

W: Real police work.

A: Time for the “tell the bartender your life story” scene.

 

*Myrtle continues to plead to Raymond to retire*

W: Take the pension!

 

*Roundtree sees a mother and a son and pushes aside the drink he ordered*

W: Some humanity left.

 

*Santiago’s men shoot at Roundtree then chase him in a car*

W: Oh boy, a chase scene.

 

*Roundtree calls for backup*

W: He did the smart thing.

 

*The goons flip their car. One of them gets out alive and Roundtree shoots him dead*

W: Ok, so much for the goons.

 

*Ponytails throws Maria to Santiago. She spits in his face*

W: We got 16 minutes left.

 

*Diaz is Ponytails, Santiago say to take Maria and get the money. Abuelo, Diaz and Maria hit up Myesha’s store. Myesha gives the 15 million to Diaz and they depart. Diaz brings the money back to Santiago. He says to count it*

W: Idiot.

 

*Santiago tells Abuelo when Diaz is done counting the money, cap him*

W: I hate that.

 

*McCoy grills Roundtree. Meanwhile Thorn sneaks up on Santiago’s men. He starts capping people*

W: So I guess he’s an independent contractor.

 

*McCoy gets a call and leaves. Jefferies walks in and frees Roundtree. Meanwhile we cut to the plane where an informer calls Roundtree*

W: Time for the climax.

 

*Santiago caps Diaz but Roundtree wrestles with him. Santiago gets the upperhand and taunts him. Thorn shows up and kills him slowly by shooting him and setting him on fire*

W: THAT was cool.

 

*Thorn says amen and leaves*

W: Thanks DMX!

A: Yeah we’ll just let you go.

 

*Maria and Roundtree kiss*

W: Talk about false advertising. HE’S the star of the movie, not DMX.

A: Ya think?

 

*Roundtree and Jefferies visit Raymond who says he’ll be taking a desk job. Roundtree hands him a cd of Willie Nelson’s greatest hits. The kid “Uncle Travis, level 7!*

W: There’s that Gameboy again.

 

*Roundtree, Maria, Jefferies, Myrtle and the kids leave the hospital. Raymond tries to rap*

W: Ha.

 

*Guy with hat watches everyone leave, end credits*

A: Are they setting up for a sequel no one wants?

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3.5 out of 10. Less of a heaping pile than the previous but not good either.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 4.5. A lot of garbage but there are fun elements in there.

Final Grade: 4 out of 10 – Bad

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was slightly better than the first movie we saw but not by much. The acting ranged from ridiculous to solid and the action was decent, just not spectacular. The story was full of holes, especially the premise. All they had to do was hide Maria somewhere out of state and Santiago was dog meat. I understand there would be no movie if it was that easy but still, logic. Anyway the bottom line its a bad movie and not recommended. So far we’re 0 for 2 on this 4 pack.

America: Wallstreet is a dead man.

W: Have a pleasant evening.

258. Among Dead Men (2008)

*3 DAYS EARLIER*

*The Warlock is on a Skype call with Mr. Wallstreet*

Warlock: And the bartender says….that’ll be three fifty.

Wallstreet: BAAAAHAHAHAHAHA that was a good one.

Warlock: Alright so let’s get down to business. What have you got for me?

Wallstreet: I have two packs for you, one four and one three.

Warlock: Oh beautiful, more direct to video Sci-Fi Channel specials?

Wallstreet: No, this actually should be good, especially the three pack.

Warlock: You better be right, send them.

Wallstreet: The three pack is one of my personal favorites.

 

*PRESENT DAY*

*The Warlock is standing outside his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, Cobra Kai t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s waiting for a package to arrive. All of a sudden Darnell The Delivery Man exits his USPS van grabs a package, runs as fast as he can and heaves it at Warlock. Warlock stops the package in midair as Darnell leaves in a huff*

W: Geez, what’s his problem.

*Warlock walks inside and puts the package on the kitchen table. Mr. America has an old World War 2 style radio in front of him complete with antennae. He talks into it as Warlock opens the package*

America: Hotel, Uniform Lima, Kilo, Hotel, Oscar, Golf, Alpha, November!

Warlock: Whiskey, Indigo, Lima, Lima, Yankee, Oscar, Uniform, Sierra, Hotel, Uniform, Tango, Uniform, Papa?

America: Foxtrot, Uniform, Charlie, Kilo, Yankee, Oscar, Uniform.

Warlock: You may have a point.

America: What’s in the box?

Warlock: Wallstreet sent us a four pack and a three pack.

America: Oh no! Oh no he doesn’t, I remember the last one he sent.

Warlock: Relax, he said the three pack was his favorite.

*Warlock pulls out two DVD boxes. He looks at the three pack*

Warlock: Hey! He was right for once, this actually will be good.

America: What is it?

Warlock: You’ll see.

*Warlock pulls out the four pack*

Warlock: I’ve never heard of 3 of these movies.

America: That can’t be good, what is it?

Warlock: Its a 4 part “Action” pack.

America: Ah lovely.

*America walks over and sits in the recliner*

America: So which one do we do first?

*Warlock pops the DVD in and looks at the selection*

Warlock: Let’s try Among Dead Men.

America: What’s that?

Warlock: I have no idea, so let’s watch.

 

Written by James Richards and Peter West

Directed by James Richards

 

Cast:

Bobby Delgado (Avelino “El Rico” Lescot)

Jarvis Sweet (Ab Vegvary)

Wade Bull (Ron Vreeken)

Tony Bonito (Nick Pendragon)

Marty Haines (Erich Thrill)

Nick Spargo (Troy Hunter)

Blair Cassidy (Kirsty O’Leary)

Mickey Quinn (Andrew Bate)

Leo Rowe (James Pope)

Shane (Robert Reitano)

Francois Chiape (Damien De Bisscop)

Lito Montero (Salvador Cantellano)

Leon (Robson Gumbo Jr)

Seco (Michael Te Ture)

Zane Hunter (John Reynolds)

JB Martin (Harley D’Jekic)

Jimmy Cole (Brad McMurray)

Mitch Yates (Rene Perrin)

Goon (Jimmy Christiansen)

Warlock The Strongman (Warrick Brant)

Frankie Fitz (Ann-Marie)

Exotic Dancer (Brooke Peaches)

French Thug (Bayden Docking)

Junkyard Fighter (Joel Amos Byrnes)

Ah-Hing (William Cheung)

Kung Fu Instructor (Alfredo Del Brocco)

8 year old Bobby (Rico Lescot Jr)

Mrs Delgado (Janey Lescot)

Delgado Fan (Pritchard Lloyld)

Jimmy’s friend (Steve McMurray)

Rebecca Moore (Valeria Rodionova)

Fighter (Hussain Sadiqi)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “No rules, no mercy, scores settled”

America: Ohhhhhhh kayyyyyy.

 

*Bobby Delgado goes on a monologue*

W: Not exactly Hamlet is he?

 

*Bobby says this is his story*

W: Oh really.

 

*Biker rally in Hawaii*

W: We’re in trouble, the camera work looks like complete shit.

 

*Bald guy pulls a gun*

W: He’s got a gun!

 

*Some drug deal goes down*

W: What the hell is going on?

 

*Bobby is scheduled to fight Zane Hunter in Australia with an exotic dancer dancing naked*

W: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*Announcer announces the fight*

W: They’re fighting in someone’s closet.

A: More like someodies basement.

 

*Bobby beats the crap out of Zane while betting slips are passed around*

W: This is worse than Bloodsport 4.

 

*Zane “You’re about to be 17 and 1” Bobby then rallies*

A: That’s what happens when youre too busy trash talking.

 

*Announcer calls off the fight and Bobby is the winner*

W: That looks like the boiler room of a high schol.

 

*Benito is setting up a deal*

A: What?

 

*Bobby gets on his motorcycle and rides*

A: Great product placement.

 

*Bobby goes to the cemetary and visits a grave. His friend then says his next fight is in 3 weeks. Bobby fights a black dude and kicks the crap out of him*

A: When was this made?

W: 2008.

 

*Somebody tosses brass knucks to Bobby’s oppponent. A Delgado fans protests to Announcer*

W: That guy is the best character in the whole movie.

 

*The black fighter is Nick Spargo and Delgado kills him with blows to the kidneys*

W and A: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

*Announcer is Tony Bonito. He meets Bobby’s friend who hands him a package and says give it to Bobby. Next frame is Bobby apologizing to Spargo’s uncle for killing Nick. The uncle forgives him and they embrace*

W: Yeah I just killed your relative.

A: Yeah that’s okay.

 

*Bobby has flashbacks of laying in a prison cell*

W: Christ, this really is a ripoff of Bloodsport 4.

 

*One guy punches another guy in the face*

A: What?

 

*The spirit of Nick visits Bobby in the prison cell. Nick says to squash that shit and move on*

W: What in the world is going on?

 

*Nick says some bad men are coming for Bobby and he needs to choose*

W: Choose the form of the destrctor.

 

*Some assailant goes after Bobby and Bobby knifes him in the throat then beats the shit out of someone else*

W: Oh nice.

A: What the hell are we watching?

 

*8 years later he gets out of jail for killing Nick*

W: Love how nobody ages a day.

 

*HM Prison For Men*

W: Not exactly the hair club for men.

 

*Bobby returns home*

W: Can we get on with it?

 

*Bonito strong arms some guy as Lito talks down to blonde guy. Bonito announces a fight between JB Martin and Wade Bull. Bull massacares the guy*

W: I guess this is their answer to Bobby.

A: I don’t care.

 

*Jarvis Sweet calls off Wade. Next we see Bonito setting up Delgado vs Bull*

W: They’re setting up the main event a little early.

 

*Detective Blair Cassidy visits Bobby and says people are after him. He thanks her for the tip*

A: The dubbed in dialogue is horrible.

 

*Jarvis Sweet meets his boss and the boss says time is the essence. Jarvis thanks him*

W: This movie really needs subtitles.

 

*Bobby goes on a date with a woman an walks her home*

W: Are we gonna get any character development at all?

A: Probably not.

 

*Bonito sets up another fight. Bull scoffs at his opponent and says “He’s wearing pajamas”*

W: We didn’t even get introductions.

A: You’re asking for too much.

 

*Wade cracks his opponents skull and snaps his neck. Bonito stops the fight and Bull walks out. Jarvis says he did good. The other fighter was Jimmy Cole and Bonito says he may not make it. Wade “Fuck him.” Bonito “Get him outta here!”

W: Ha.

 

*Sweet wants to book Delgado against Bull. He chats with Mickey Quinn. Meanwhile we flash back to Bobby fighting Warlock The Strongman*

A: Hey its you.

W: I’m not a bald fat guy.

 

*Bobby fights Warlock*

W: The movie’s budget is about 200 dollars.

A: Pretty much.

 

*Warlock bows his head in defeat and we cut to Blair dancing*

W: The pacing is horrible but the woman is hot.

 

*Bobby watches her dance*

W: Ever heard of knocking.

 

*Red car drives by*

W: Yeah red car!

 

*Bobby meets with his friend. Next frame is Sweet asking him for money and Bull beating the crap out of him. Meanwhile Bobby looks out on the moon with Blair*

W: Pacing…issues…..everywhere.

 

*Bobby flashes back to when he wiped out a whole gang by himself, he lets Francois Chappe go*

W: Not a good idea.

 

*Stripper makes out with another girl*

W: This movie just got better.

 

*Wade Bull crashes the party and kills all the male men in the house*

W: The stripper lived.

 

*Bobby watches video of Wade Bull*

W: Holding off for now.

 

*Bobby trains for the fight*

W: Was this guy a real MMA fighter?

A: I have no idea.

W: He’s wearing a Latrell Sprewell jersey.

 

*Bobby looks in the mirror*

W: Taking a serious look at yourself, you find you like what you see.

 

*Bobby visits Mitch Yates at the autoshop. Bobby says his father was good enough to be a pain in the ass but not good enough to be worth listening to*

W: This movie is ridiculous.

 

*Wade Bull asks gang where Leo Rowe is. He pays the motormouth leader off who tells him Room 5. Bobby in the voiceover says Jarvis was enjoying his knew Pit Bull. Leo throws something at Wade and Wade leaves. He picks up a piece of wood and caves the skull in of the guy who taunted him and takes his money back*

W: What an Indian giver.

 

*Flashback to Bobby fighting a Bruce Lee lookalike*

W: Is that supposed to be Bruce Lee?

A: Who knows?

 

*Bobby wins the fight*

W: At least Bloodsport 4 had charater development, this is even worse than that.

 

*Bobby and Mitch hit up the bar. Sweet and Bull crash the party. Jarvis challenges Bobby to a fight. Mitch talks for Bobby and says he’s not gonna fight. Wade hits Bobby with a sucker punch and the bouncer throws him and Sweet out*

W: Wow.

 

*Bobby invisions Nick talking to him again*

W: He’s hearing voices in his head.

A: No, more like hallucinating.

 

*Blair talks to Bobby*

W: She hasn’t changed her outfit the entire movie.

 

*Blair and Bobby fuck*

W: Cue the obligatory useless sex scene.

 

*Mitch is working late when Bonito walks in. Bonito wants Bobby to fight and Mitch says no. Back at Bobby’s, she says to fasten his seat belt*

W: I can write better dialogue than this.

 

*Bartender makes drinks as a cabana band plays*

W: The pacing of his movie is ADHD.

 

*Blair dances with Bobby*

W: Australian cabana band?

A: I don’t get it.

 

*Sweet stands in front of a a menacing muscle car. 3 tough guys get out of the car. They’re here to avenge their leader’s murder. Wade Bull wipes them all out*

W: Was this the gang from earlier?

A: I honestly don’t know.

 

*Sweet stands over the wreckage and Bull says next time don’t give him amateurs*

W: What did he expect, Royce Gracie?

 

*Detective asks Bobby where Jimmy Cole is. Bobby doesn’t know. She asks what he knows about Wade Bull, he stones her. Bobby then goes up to Sweet and says he’ll fight Bull. Jarvis says to take a dive. Bobby says this time Jarvis walks, next time don’t go stepping on Earth*

W: That is the least menacing line I’ve ever heard.

 

*Bobby visits his childhood instructor who’s teaching Kung Fu to new students. He looks over at a picture of the instructor with a young Bruce Lee and another picture of him and the instructor*

W: Oh…wait, I recognize him. That’s Master Cheung, he legit trained with Bruce Lee. Finally something cool about this movie.

 

*Master Cheung tells Bobby to channel his past to win the fight and to watch the blindside elbow*

W: He probably cost more than the whole budget.

 

*Sweet pays Leo Rowe 300 to find out about Master Cheung. Sweet “Fuckin Muppets”

W and A: Haha!

 

*Cheung beats the shit out of Leo Rowe and his gang*

W: Saw that coming.

 

*Cheung thanks his dog for the help*

W: That dog won best supporting actor.

A: Okay.

 

*Sweet gets the call that Leo failed. Sweet confronts Mitch and he refuses to let Bobby fight. Wade Bull attacks Mitch and beats the crap out of him. Sweet calls off Bull before he can finish him off and tells him he wants Delgado*

W: Took this long to do that?

 

*Bobby finds Mitch and Mitch tells Bobby to go get him. Bobby says goodbye to Blair as he prepares for Wade*

W: The rest of the movie sucks but they’re doing a hell of a job building up this fight.

 

*Bobby gets visited by Nick again and Nick says he’s walking into heavy shit. He tells Bobby to let go what happened between them. Nick “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

W: I forgive ya!

 

*Bobby goes up to Sweet and says he wants Wade NOW. Sweet says no but Wade says sure. Bobby says no money, no bullshit, no crowd. Wade “Let’s do it!”. Wade elbows Sweet in the face for calling him a dumb fuck*

W: Alright here we go. No time for popcorn.

 

*Bobby “How bad do you want this? Theres no one to see this”  Bobby gives him a chance to walk away and Wade sucker punches him*

A: I dont think hes taking that chance.

 

*Bobby beats the shit out of Wade*

W: Aww come on, this is too one sided. This is like the end of a Steven Seagal movie.

 

*Bobby continues the epic beatdown*

W: Lammmeeeeeeeeeeee

 

*Bobby finishes off Wade as a black eyed Sweet says “What the fuck?”. Bobby stares at Jarvis and Sweet shambles off. Watching from a distance, Mitch and Bonito watch. Bonito owes Mitch 700 dollars. Mitch and Bonito shake hands as everyone gets paid including Seco. Mr Haines gets paid as well*

W: That’s it?

 

*Lito shoots a guy in the head*

W: Sorry folks should have told you about the subplot.

 

*Wade Bull returns to a crackhouse and mets Leo Rowe. Mr. Civello shoots him through the head*

W: The hell?

 

*Bobby says he an Blair are like Bonnie and Clyde running away. Civello would be after, Bobby rides off. End credits*

W: We hope you’ve enjoyed no morale theater.

 

Mr. America’s Assesmment: I give it a 2.5. That was a low budget heaping pile of shit.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 2.5. The dubbing sucked, the pacing sucked, the camera sucked, the plot was confusing, no character development and it was just overall ridiculous. It did have nudity and some funny dialogue but that’s it.

Final Grade: 2.5 out of 10.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That sucked! Not only was the camera shit, but so was the acting, the pacing and the locations. The looping was a pile of crap and this really raked the eyes of anyone who had the displeasure of watching it.

America: This 4 pack better improve in a hurry or I’m gonna punch Wallstreet again.

Warlock: Yeah really, Among Dead Men sucks and I don’t recommend it. Tune in next time for movie number two of this four pack. Hopefully it won’t be number two if you know what I mean. Have a pleasant evening.

257. The Weather Man (2005)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, Red Jaguars t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a coffee mug of Dr. Pepper*

W: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and enters the lair*

W: With Little Miss Sunshine being a success, I figured Neyzor Blades and I could take a look at another dark comedy.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*

Neyz: Oh great, another depressing mess.

W: Look at the bright side, no underage stripping this time….I think.

Neyz: Oh…lovely.

W: Tonight we are taking a look at the 2005 comedy The Weather Man starring Nicholas Cage.

Neyz: A friend of mine has seen that.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: So let’s get started with The Weather Man.

 

Written by Steve Conrad

Directed by Gore Verbinski

 

Cast:

David Spritz (Nicolas Cage)

Robert Sprtizel (Michael Caine)

Noreen (Hope Davis)

Shelly (Gemmenne de la Pena)

Mike (Nicholas Hoult)

Russ (Michael Rispoli)

Don (Gil Bellows)

Lauren (Judith McConnell)

DMV Guy (Chris Marrs)

Andrea (Dina Facklis)

Clerk (Deanna NJ Brooks)

Nurse (Sia Moody)

Nipper Guy (Guy Van Swearingen)

Fast Food Clerk (Alexander Pine)

Fast Food Kid (Jackson Bubala)

Fast Food Mom (Jennifer Bills)

Shelly’s Archery Instructor (Peter Grosz)

Paul (Joe Bianchi)

Frosty (Nick Kuehneman)

Viewer (Bruce Jarchow)

Viewer’s wife (Joanne Sylvestrak)

Beer Girl (Robyn Moler)

Beer Patron (John D Milinac)

Shelly’s girlfriend (Melane Decelles Castro)

Tim (Jason Wells)

Race Organizer (Scott Benjaminson)

Trust Counselor (Ora Jones)

Takeout Clerk (Mike Bacarella)

Register Worker (Jennifer Joan Taylor)

Mark Dersen (Chuck Stubbings)

Hello America Producers (Dan Flannery and Shanesia Davis)

Hello America Director (Sandy Whiteley)

Pedestrian (Antoine McKay)

Pie Thrower (Eddie Martinez)

Robert’s Friend (David Darlow)

Priest (Will Zahrn)

NY Pedestrian (Poorna Jagannathan)

Bryant Gumbel (Himself)

Anne Marie Howard (Herself)

Ed McMahon (Himself)

Christina Ferrare (Herself)

Dave’s Archery Instructor (Stephen Hilger)

Guy in Park (Ron McClary)

Elevator Kids (Eric Ambriz and Leah Rose Orleans)

Co-Anchor (Juhong Xue)

WGN Asisstant Director (Tom Skilling)

Wolfgang Puck (Himself)

Living Funeral Guests (Monica Weaver and John Francis Mountain)

New York Businessman (Peter Nicholas)

Tim’s Son (Ryan Burk)

Tim’s Wife (Kristen Duerdoth)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “A Chicago weather man, separated from his wife and children, debates whether professional and personal success are mutually exclusive”

N: Why?

 

*Opening credits*

W: Chicago.

N: What do you know about Chicago?

 

*David washes his face, smiles and frowns*

N: Its Mr America.

 

*Ann Howard and Bryant Gumbel are on the morning news*

W: The real Bryant Gumbel.

 

*David gets ready for work*

N: What’s he dancing around for?

 

*Wolfgang the chef appears*

N: Wolfgang pucky?

 

*David gets a parking ticket for expired tags*

W: I hate that.

 

*A guy in lin at the DMV asks David for his autograph and he turns him down. He gets persistent and David yells at him. David’s own voice narrates his life*

N: I dont think Kevin Lemanowitz would be happy.

 

*David’s daughter Shelly waves to him in the mirror*

N: That’s me.

 

*David hands Shelly a 20, she doesn’t have money. She buys cigarettes with them*

N: She’s 12!

W: The no tobacco under 21 rule DOES NOT APPLY!

 

*Robert makes his appearance. He says Shelly is grossly overweight and unhappy and so is Michael. He sits next to Robert at the doctor’s*

N: He doesnt see his own life.

 

*Robert asks David to get him a paper. David puts money in the machine and it closes without getting a paper. He doesn’t have change so he goes to Arby’s to get some. The clerk gives him 20 cents, not 25 when he buys a coffee. He goes back to Robert and says he didn’t have enough change after buying it.

N: He’s so stupid.

 

*David says his father was a great writer, Pullitzer winning and a friend of Jimmy Carter. He’s a good father but he’s a lousy son*

W: He sucks.

 

*David drove 90 minutes to teach Shelly archery*

N: Glad I don’t have kids.

 

*Shelly can’t shoot for shit. He purchased a 5 pack lesson plan, they didn’t come back*

W: 170 bucks.

 

*Michael and Paul get run into by Michael’s counselor. He’s insanely creepy but pays for a sweater for him. David shows up and picks him up. The counselor is Don Boden*

N: Paul is smarter.

 

*David tells Noreen he may get a job in New York for Hello, America. She asks what about the kids, he says its a long shot. He tries to hit her with a snowball in the back but she turns and hits her in the face*

W: Hahahahahahhaa

N: That was painful to watch.

W: He either is very stoic or very stupid in movies.

 

*David gets hit with a frosty and Robert asks why he would get hit. David says people throw stuff at him sometimes. Robert tells him his scans came back and he has lymphoma*

W: Cancer.

 

*Robert refuses to accept a ride from David*

N: He doesn’t want to get hit with a frosty.

 

*David tries to wipe it off*

N: Oh god, miserable.

 

*David says he changed his name for TV. Some guy calls him bullshit and an asshole*

N: We do that.

 

*David dresses up as Abe Lincoln*

W: National Treasure.

 

*David fucks a German beer lady*

W: Hahahahahahahaha

 

*David’s narration has David saying to give him more time to get it together before Robert goes*

W: An actual nice scene, I’m stunned.

 

*Shelly and her fat friend smoke and say people suck*

N: If that was weed, that would be me and my friend.

 

*David wants to take the kids out, Michael isn’t home so he takes Shelly instead. He takes her ice skating. He finds the pack of cigarettes in her bag*

W: Uh oh.

 

*Shelly and David enter a sack race skate off. He hurts Shelly when she falls. He tries to get her to finish the race anyway but shes pissed. He brings her home on crutches and she has a torn ACL and MCL. Noreen shouts at hime and David yells at her. Russ makes him step back and David calls him every name in the back and Robert walks outside to calm him down. Robert tells him Shelly has camel toe and he describes what that is. David ask how he knows*

N: He’s not stupid.

 

*David says he’ll get through to Shelly*

W: He really has no clue, does he?

 

*Montage of camel toes*

N: Why are we getting a montage of that?

W: This is black comedy.

 

*David tries to make amends with Noreen before someone throws a Super Big Gulp at him. He says they should go to counseling and they do. They do trust falls*

N: You’re gonna laugh at this one.

 

*The counselor asks them to write something down the other doesn’t know about and give it to the other person, the other person isn’t supposed to read it. David reads it in the bathroom 30 seconds later*

W: Hahahahahahhaa

 

*Noreens letter says the book he wrote was embarassing and it sucked*

N: That’s just being a bitch.

 

*Noreen says she thought it went pretty well. He’s miffed and he reveals he read the letter. She calls him a real asshole and a blue ribbon fuck. She yells at him on their way home and she tells him he fucked their marriage up. She reads his letter and he says her blowjobs sucked and lacked enthusiasm. She says she hated everything about him. Shelly walks outside and hears all of it*

W: Wow.

 

*David tells Shelly to go inside and he’ll talk to her tomorrow*

W: No, now’s when you talk to her you dickhead.

 

*Robert says the cancer spread too far for radiation*

W: Yeah, he’s done.

N: After all the money they put into cancer research.

 

*David tells Robert he may get the Hello, America gig. Robert doesn’t say anything*

W: That’s sad.

 

*David sits with the meteorologist to talk about the trade winds*

N: They push you all over the world.

 

*David by himself goes back to archery and we got a montage of him learning. Everyone hits the bullseye, he misses completely the first time. The second time he almost hits the the bullseye. Meanwhile Don has dinner with Michael*

W: I know where this is going.

 

*Don tells him to whip his shirt off to take pictures*

N: What a creep.

W: Told you.

 

*Don snaps pics of him shirtless*

N: I can’t watch this.

W: The worst part is the kid has no idea

 

*David tries to get Shelly back into archery. He tells her fletchers make the arrows. Shelly shoots it about 10 feet. David asks if she’s not interested, she says yeah. He asks why she wanted to do it in the first place, she says hunting. She says she wants to kill animals*

N: Fucking bitch.

 

*David says that’s not archery that’s bow hunting. He refuses to kill animals and Shelly says that’s not fun. On the ride home David says he may go to New York and asks her if she wants to come, she says yeah*

N: She annoys me.

W: There are no likeable characters in this movie apart from Michael Caine.

 

*Michael shows up and say David doesn’t look good. He tells Michael he parks in front of the house to check on everyone. He asks Michael how the program is going and Michael doesn’t answer*

W: Ugh.

 

*David’s voice narrates how he fucked it up. We flashback to him and Noreen yelling at each other and she tells him not to forget the tartar sauce*

N: Yeah, if you forgot the tartar sauce after yelling at me like that, I’d punch you in the scmeckel then kill you.

 

*David checks out a girls ass and says he’d love to bury his face in it*

W: Oh my god he’s me.

N: You’re so gross.

 

*ADD brain takes effect and he forgets the tartar sauce. He lies and says they were out of tartar sauce. They yell at each other and Michael and Shelly run upstairs. They try to drown out the noise*

W: This is getting worse.

 

*David meets with Robert. He says David needs to sacrifice for the kids. The hard thing to do and the right thing to do are sometimes the same thing. We get establishing shots of Chicago winter*

W: Nice establishing shots.

 

*David gets a call from Hello, America. He flies to New York with Shelly. He takes her shopping and she’s got a camel toe but doesnt have the heart to tell her*

W: That’s tough to tell someone.

 

*David tries to dance around the kids calling her names. He asks if she knows why they call her camel toe and she says they’re tough.  They walk across the dessert in hot weather. David smiles and says yes, she’s tough*

N: Yeah, leave it at that.

 

*David and Shelly visit Robert. Robert tells him Michael got arrested for fucking up Don’s car. Robert says he tried to suck Michael off and Michael threw a rock through his window. David calls Noreen and says he believes Michael. Noreen yells at him and he yells back right in front of Robert. He gives Shelly his wallet and she walks off. He goes to buy a coffee but forgot he gave Shelly his wallet. She buys a coke with his only dollar*

W: He can’t do anything right.

 

*Robert says his cancer is terminal, he only has a few months. David says 12 and Robert says if it was 12 the doc would have said a year*

N: I’m gonna be upset when he dies….in real life and in this movie.

W: Yeah Michael Caine rules.

 

*David drinks a nip bottle and looks at himself in the reflection in the dinow. A large floatie of Spongebob flies by*

W: Ha, look at that.

 

*David hallucinates he and his family riding on a float being praised*

N: It cost 980,000 to own a house these days.

 

*David prepares at 6 AM*

N: Yup. At least the sunrise is pretty.

 

*David is interviewed and he has no degree in meteorology. They want to test him by giving him a green screen. David chats with Bryant Gumbel*

W: Ha. “Other shit”

 

*David impresses the interviewers. Robert outside almost ruins in*

N: His dad just fucked that up.

 

*David returns to Noreen’s house, he wants to see Mike. Russ walks up to him*

N: Get this chooch out of here.

 

*David flips completely out on Russ and David narrates Robert thinking he’s a silly fuck*

W: This movie is getting worse.

 

*Two kids get in an elevator and pushes all the buttons*

W: Hahahaha

N: Little shit.

 

*David reads his novel that he was writing and deletes it just like that. Next frame is him hitting the bullseye*

N: He’s getting it.

 

*David wants to have a living funeral for Robert to have a family dinner while everyone can enjoy it, his mother read about the idea in a book*

N: That’s nice.

 

*Some guy asks him what the Nipper is and some kid hits him with pie. He runs with the pie and smushes it on the kid’s face in the car*

W: YEAH! ABOUT TIME!

 

*David gets a call from Mark about Hello, America. He goes to the dinner and tells Noreen he got the job. He just has to take it. He wants to take it since it would be 1.2 million a year salary. He wants to bring Noreen and the kids and Noreen reveals she’s marrying Russ*

N: There’s his living funeral.

 

*David opens his trunk which has his archery set*

N: Wish that was all I had in my car.

 

*David shoots arrows into a tree with perfect accuracy*

N: Ok Robin Hood

 

*Russ walks outside and smokes*

W: Uh oh.

N: Don’t cross a crazy man.

 

*David aims at Russ and Russ walks over to Noreen. David still aims at him anyway before lowering his bow. He puts it away and next frame is David giving a speech at Robert’s dinner*

W: How’s he gonna fuck this up?

N: I’m sure he’ll find a way.

 

*David goes to give a speech when the power blows. When the lights go on everyone leaves. David says the only thing he managed to say was his dad reminded him of Bob Seger’s Like A Rock*

W: This is depressing.

 

*Its revealed David never took the job and won’t even call back. He’s sitting with Michael and Michael tells him to take the call. David refuses to and shambles out*

W: What is wrong with him. This movie is starting to piss me off.

 

*David shadow boxes*

N: Now he’s gonna box the air.

 

*David runs up to Don Boden and beats the shit out of him*

W: YEAH!

 

*David tells him he saw him buy Mike shit so dont bother to go to the cops about this. He tells him to stay away from Mike and walks off*

W: This got better instantly.

 

*Some fat lady eats a hot dog*

W: I was right.

N: You know you like it.

 

*David gets hit with various shit*

N: Its always fast food.

 

*David tells Mike he took care of Don Boden by beating him senseless. David awkwardly puts his arm around Mike and tells him not to put himself in grown up situations until he’s a grown up. Mike laughs. Next frame is David sitting with Robert, Rober puts Like A Rock on the radio*

N: Awwwwwww i’m gonna cry.

 

*David explains the song’s meaning to Robert. He tells Robert he got the job but he can’t knuckle down because Noreen is marrying Russ. Robert asks Mike what happened to his hand and David says he took care of Don Boden. Robert says good job*

W: That probably meant a lot.

 

*Robert says to always look out for your kids. David says he chucked his book like garbage. Robert says he had to practice and get good. David says he’s not good at his job because its just predictions. Robert says in this shit life we must chuck things*

W: Yeah!

N: Awwww

 

*David narrates that after they had the living funeral, they had his real one*

N: Awww no.

 

*Mike says he’s going to be a cameraman for Monday Night Football and David says to go for it. David narrates that he envisioned himself being powerful until he got reduced to being just him….the weather man*

W: Really?

 

*David walks onto the set of Hello, America. Then he gives a weather report in Times Square with Noreen and the kids watching. Then he hits 3 consecurive bullseyes while shooting*

W:  Getting paid a million to shoot arrows.

 

*David walks down Times Square with his archery set and he says no one throws shit at him anymore*

W: Hahahaha

 

*David is on the float with Bryant Gumbel. He says things didn’t work out exactly as he planned and he may be behind Fire Bridgade 47 but he’s in front of Spongebob*

W: Hahahha

 

*End credits*

N: Beasley!

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: It was sad but Michael Caine was good in it. I give it a 4 out of 10.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6, the acting was tremendous, the humor was very very dark but there were a lot of stupid things. This kind of dark comedy is not for everyone but if you’re a cynic, you’ll love it.

Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

W: While not as dark as Little Miss Sunshine, this was another dark comedy. It gets stupid sometimes but other times it can be funny. I loved the pedophile beatdown and rubbing the pie in the heckler’s face. I said it before but Nicholas Cage either plays a dope or someone stoic, there is no in-between. Either way can this movie be recommended? Sort of. If you’re not into dark comedy then this won’t be for you but if you’re a dick like me, go for it. Well that wraps up another average adventure, have a pleasant evening.