238. Kook’s Tour (1970)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, GHOST CRAZY t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a coffee mug of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and enters the lair*

Warlock: Tonight is a special night here at the Realm. We are taking a look at a made for TV movie that was never actually released. With us tonight is Mr. America.

*Mr America is sitting on the left side of the couch. He’s wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: Pleasure.

Warlock: But wait there’s more….the man behind the money himself, MR WALLSTREET!

*Mr Wallstreet spins around in the recliner. He’s wearing a red linen suit with yellow tie and brown shoes*

Wallstreet: Great to be here.

Warlock: Tonight we are looking at an hour long made for TV special which was going to be a pilot for a future TV show featuring The Three Stooges. The title was KOOK’S TOUR.

Wallstreet: Why was it never completed?

Warlock: Just before filming ended Larry Fine suffered a paralyzing stroke. The show…and pretty much the Stooges themselves were cancelled for good.

America: That’s sad.

*Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*

Warlock: Yes it was, but let’s enjoy one last hurrah with the Stooges in Kook’s Tour.

 

Written and Directed by Norman Mauer

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “After nearly 50 years of eye-poking and face-slapping, the Stooges decide to retire and tour the world with their dog, Moose.”

America: What???

Wallstreet: Nyuk nyuk nyuk

 

*Opening scene has a montage of old Stooges action*

Warlock: Ah the good ol days,

Wallstreet: Hahahahaha

 

*Moe (Moe Howard), Larry (Larry Fine) and Curly Joe (Joe Derita) explains how they retired and are now touring the world*

Warlock: Welcome to Kook’s Tour.

America: What???

Wallstreet: What, you never heard of it?

America: No.

 

*Moose (himself) is introduced as the Stooges leave*

Warlock: Moose won best supporting actor.

America: Okay.

 

*Moe, Larry and Curly Joe sign autographs for women before a trailer is loaded onto a plane*

Warlock: Can you do that?

America: I’d have to see the size of the plane. That looks like 707.

 

*The boat with the Stooges is loaded onto the plane with them inside it*

Wallstreet: Hey you’re crushing my eyebrows.

 

*Moe by himself says he drew the short straw. He’s in the noisy city to tell the story of the great outdoors*

America: I wonder if this was filmed because Larry had a stroke.

 

*Curly Joe radios Moe and the feedback is too loud. He goes to poke the radio and says “Oh, have to forget old habits*

Warlock: I don’t have to

*Warlock pokes Wallstreet in the eyes*

 

*Joe falls into the water trying to back the boat into it. Larry sends Moose to retrieve Joe’s hat. Larry says he’ll drown. Moe says with all that blubber he’ll float. Joe, Larry and Moe screw up putting the boat in the water*

Warlock: You knuckleheads.

 

*Moe says he’s been surrounded by morons for 50 years*

Warlock: Ted Healy, Shemp and Moe were the first stooges in the early 20’s.

 

*The boat floats away without them and they send Moose to go retrieve it*

Warlock and America: Hahahahaha

 

*Moe “Captain Moe please.” Joe “Okay, Captain Moe Please.” Moe looks at him*

Wallstreet: Hahahaha

 

*Moe says they were following the trail of Lewis and Clark on the Snake River. It was a dangerous part of the Oregon trail because Shoshoni Indians were ambushing travelers. Moe narrates actual history*

Warlock: This would have been educational as well as funny if Larry didn’t get sick.

 

*Moe says the National Park forbid Moose to hang in the boat*

Warlock: Dogs suck, cats are better.

America: Nooooooo.

 

*Joe, Larry and Moe go fishing. Joe has a biter and they reel it in*

Warlock: Wow, they actually didn’t screw up.

America: Give them time.

 

*Moe says they headed to Yellowstone. Moe, Larry, Curly Joe and Moose are surrounded by fans*

Warlock: They must have been used to this by now.

 

*Larry films the geysers and says that’s a funny way to make coffee. Moe “That’s a witches brew right there.”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Moe narrates the waterfalls as the Stooges go sightseeing*

Warlock: Do you think this would have worked?

Wallstreet: What do you mean?

Warlock: Would the show have been a hit?

America: I don’t know.

 

*Moe ties Moose to a tree and say they’ll be right back*

America: That sucks.

 

*Moose breaks free and runs after them*

Warlock: Saw that coming.

 

*Moe, Larry and Curly Joe board a boat with Moose watching from the shore. He jumps in the water and swims after them. They ride away not noticing him*

Warlock: They’re not gonna drown him are they?

America: Why would they do that?

 

*Moose swims back to shore as Moe, Larry and Curly Joe ride around.  Various shots of birds are shown*

Warlock: I get it now, because Larry got sick they had to use all this nature footage to make up for it.

America: It could be a combination of both.

 

*Moose frolics in the water with various animals around. Moe, Larry and Curly Joe turn around to go get moose. Moose wanders around the park while a real moose is shown*

Warlock: This isn’t that funny though.

America: Yeah I don’t think this would have garnered the same audience.

Warlock: Then again this could be footage shot to make up for Larry being ill.

 

*A bear shows up and spots Moose. Moose runs for it*

Warlock: Bogey The Bear show!

 

*Moe, Larry and Curly Joe go back to get Moose. Larry camouflages himself to get a picture of a deer when they spot Moose’s leash. They split up*

Warlock: They split up.

America: Ugh.

Wallstreet: Its not a horror movie though.

 

*Moe and Larry walk like dogs to find Moose*

Warlock and Wallstreet: Hahaha

 

*Curly Joe and Moe trash talk Larry not knowing he’s right behind them*

Warlock: Hahahhaa

 

*Moose chases Larry who’s still in disguise. They run to Moe and Curly Joe. Larry says he found him. They cater to Moose and ignore Larry. Moe in the voiceover says Larry’s been written as the moron for 50 years*

Warlock: He’s right.

 

*The Stooges play a prank by screwing with the geysers at Yellowstone. Its all in fast motion*

Warlock: Wonder how this would have looked in HD.

 

*Moe and Curly Joe catch fish, Larry gets nothing. Moose was fascinated by the fish. Moe says the entire trout population of Dick Springs, Idaho plotted to drive him crazy*

Warlock: Actually this would have fit right in on the Travel Channel today.

America: Actually you’re right.

 

*Larry takes a picture of piranha. Then they later take separate boats and Curly Joe crashes into Moe. Moe “You dumb numbskull. Look out you fat idiot!”*

America: Saw that coming.

 

*Henry’s Lake is one of the best rainbow fishing spots. Larry still can’t catch anything. Curly Joe and Moe continue to catch fish. Larry runs into a pole and falls*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Moe uses Larry’s rod to catch a fish. Moe tells Larry the rule is if he don’t catch em, he don’t eat em. They head to Redfish Lake in the Sawtooth Mountains in Idaho. Moe, Larry and Curly Joe go camping. Joe can’t hack wood but he picks up litter. Moe “The old fatso loved to keep the camp clean”. A woman (Lois Goleman) belts Joe with her purse*

America: Hahaha

 

*Joe rides a motorbike vaccum to clean up the park. He crashes into everything with a trumpet version of Yankee Doodle Dandy. He crashes into campers (Norman Mauer and Jeffrey Scott)*

Warlock: That’s Norman Mauer, Moe’s son in law.

 

*Larry concocts a trap to catch animals to take a picture of a deer. Moe says to get Moose and go to lunch before the men in the white coats show up. Larry “Are they coming to lunch too?”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*A rainstorm ruins the Stooges picnic*

Warlock: Saw that coming.

 

*Moe makes Curly Joe sleep in the tent. Moe will sleep in the trailer. Two lovers kiss by a tree and trigger Larry’s trap. Larry tells Joe and Moe to follow him as he goes to check out the camera.  They are chased away by the angry couple*

Wallstreet: Hahahaha

 

*Moe gives the history of the Boise River where they do more fishing. Curly Joe says this is Larry’s chance. Moose catches a fish before Larry does. Larry gets frustrated*

Warlock: Everyone fishes better than Larry.

 

*Moose eats the fish as Moe steers the boat to Priest Lake. Moose became Moe’s first mate*

Warlock: I should have watched this with Neyz.

Wallstreet: I resent that!

Warlock: What are you gonna do about it?

Wallstreet: Nothing.

 

*Larry is sure he’s going to catch a fish. They fished for 3 solid hours and once again Larry caught nothing. Joe and Moe laugh at him as Larry throws his hat in the water. The hat have fish biting it and Joe pulls it in. He says one for him, one for Moe and one for Moose. Back by himself, Moe says goodbye to everyone and says they’re going to Japan next time. The end*

America: So they were setting up for the next episode.

Warlock: Yeah, too bad it never happened.

 

Mr. Wallstreet’s Assessment: It was good for its time, it was definitely something different. I give it a 6.

Mr. America’s Assessment:  I give it a 4

The Warlock’s Assessment:  I too give it a 6. It was an interesting concept and it would have actually been a hit had it came out today. It did have flashes of classic Stooges so one can only wonder how this series could have gone.

Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average.

 

*Warlock, America and Wallstreet all rise*

Wallstreet: Well fellas, it was fun but I must be returning home.

Warlock: Hope what you watched wasn’t too bad.

Wallstreet: Not at all, always wanted to see Kook’s Tour.

America: Shall I give the customary ride in the panzer?

Wallstreet: Soitainly. Warlock it was a pleasure.

*America and Wallstreet leave, moments later the ceilimg starts to rumble*

Warlock: No…not yet….have a pleasant evening.

237. Africa Screams (1949)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates before walking inside*

Warlock: Tonight we are joined by Mr. America.

*Mr. America stands from the left side of the couch wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: TEN HUT!

*America salutes, Warlock returns it, America sits down*

Warlock: Oh and I forgot…making his return to the Realm….the one….the only….MR. WALLSTREET!

*Mr. Wallstreet spins around in the recliner, he’s wearing a black armani suit with white undershirt, red tie and brown dress shoes*

Wallstreet: Guess who’s back…back again.

Warlock: Now that the band is back together, its time to go back to the past for tonight’s movie.

America: And what movie is that?

Warlock: Wallstreet handpicked this one himself. Its called Africa Screams, starring Abbot and Costello but with guest appearances by people we know.

America: This better be good.

*Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*

Warlock: It better be, so let’s get started with Africa Screams.

 

Directed by Charles Barton

Written by Earl Baldwin, Martin Ragaway and Leonard Stern

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Abbot and Costello search for diamonds in Africa, along the way meeting a visually-impaired gunner, a hungry lion and a tribe of cannibals”

America: Huh??????

Wallstreet: Sounds promising.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: Look at the bottom two names.

Wallstreet: Joe!

America: Shemp!

 

*Opening song*

Warlock: The song would be scary for another movie.

 

*Stanley Livington (Lou Costello) tries to tame a kitten who scares HIM off*

Warlock: The smittens.

America: Hahahahha

 

*Buzz Johnson (Bud Abbot) holds up the kitten and Stanley freaks out. Stanley says when he was a baby he was terrified of his piggy bank*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Grapper McCoy (Max Baer) and Boots Wilson (Buddy Baer) pulls Stanley over the counter and says they’ll give him 1,000 dollars to draw a map of Africa*

Warlock: The Baer brothers. Both were boxers, Max was world champion and Buddy knocked down Joe Louis.

 

*Diana Emerson (Hillary Brooke) asks about the Safari book. Buzz introduces Stanley to her. Buzz says Stanley is a big game hunter and Diana says she’ll offer 2500 dollars for him to draw the map. Later on Boots and Grappler are working for a mob boss…Diana. They figure out they both tried to hire the same guy. Diana says after Buzz and Stanley walk in to give them the business. Diana tells Harry (Joe Besster) to answer the door. He whines and answers the door*

Warlock: That was his act, he was a whinebag.

 

*Harry takes their hats and has the faucet that was on Stanley’s hand stuck to his hand now*

America and Wallstreet: Hahahahaha

 

*Stanley tries to take the thing off Harry’s hand. Harry “Not so hardddddd”

Wallstreet: So that’s where it comes from.

 

*Diana brings in Clyde (Clyde Beatty) who is a real explorer. Her plan to wipe out Stanley and Buzz, Buzz listens in. Harry gets water sprayed in his face*

Warlock: Are ya listenin…bubbbaboo,bubbabbooo

*America slaps Warlock*

 

*Diana asks Harry where they are, he says the living room. He still has the faucet on his hand. Stanley spots Clyde and gets scared*

Warlock: Kind of like Jackie Gleason. By the way Moe Howard considers Lou Costello’s act a knockoff of Curly.

 

*Stanley tells Clyde without knowing who he is that Clyde Beatty is a phony and he’s the real lion tamer. Clyde introduces himself and Stanley spazzes out. Stanley introduces himself and Clyde introduces himself causing Stanley to spazz too. They’ve been treading on his name for years. Diana walks in and says Stanley needs to draw the map. Clyde leaves and Diana pulls Harry aside. She says Grappler and Boots are waiting and tells Harry to call them off. Buzz tells Diana that they won’t draw the map but they’ll go for 5 grand apiece.  She says she’s bringing in a crack shot to help them. There’s a knock on the door*

Warlock: Gee I wonder who that could be.

 

*Diana brings in Gunner (Shemp Howard) who wears goggle glasses and cant see*

Warlock: Who’s that?

America: I know who that is.

Wallstreet: Heh

 

*Gunner walks into pool cues and aims a rifle the wrong way. Stanley goes to escape but Harry accidentally slams a door in his face*

Warlock: They’re missing Moe in spirit.

 

*Next frame is the opening theme as the African Safari takes place*

Warlock: We got an hour left, can you make it?

America: Mmmhmmmm

 

*Buzz and Stanley yell at each other while an alligator follows*

Warlock: What’s the alligator’s name?

Wallstreet: Andy.

 

*Stanley sees the alligator and paddles away using the wrong side of the oar*

Warlock: Hahahhaa

 

*Harry is on the Safari as well. Gunner ties Harry up by accident. Harry whines and leaves. Gunner “Always complaining.”

Warlock: Surreal to see Shemp and Joe, Joe replacing him and all.

 

*Clyde tells Diana things are going to plan. Boots and Grappler complain and Diana slaps Grappler saying not to mention diamonds. Buzz gives a nickel to Stanley to draw a map. Buzz says to Diana he wants a new deal. He wants 20% of the profits they generate and she says sure. Buzz opens the map and he drew a map to a local department store. Buzz walks away as Diana tells Harry to fetch Boots and Grappler. Stanley reveals the map he’s been drawing for years is the map to the store and wonders why they wanted to pay so much money for it. Buzz realizes they’re in trouble and go to leave, only to be stopped by Boots and Grappler who threaten them. As soon as they walk away, Stanley whispers  threatssoftly so they can’t hear him*

Warlock and America: Hahahahaha

 

*Stanley and Buzz argue as Harry runs around like a mad man*

America: How long before they ask him why he’s running back and forth.

 

*Harry says his tent is on fire*

Warlock: 4 seconds.

 

*Clyde, Stanley, Buzz say to pitch camp and Diana agrees. Gunner fumbles around*

America: Hahahaha

 

*A lion cub shows up and Stanley gets freaked out. Buzz picks it up*

Warlock: Awww lookit der smittens.

 

*Stanley runs after the baby cub and runs into the real lion, Stanley runs like hell the other way*

Warlock: Hahahahahaa

America: I knew that wasn’t going to end well.

 

*Stanley pulls a gorilla (Charles Gemora) out of a hole and Stanley faints*

Warlock: Why is it every movie Shemp is in has a gorilla in it?

America: You’re asking the wrong person.

Wallstreet: He’s bananas.

 

*Frank (Frank Buck) says they have a trap laid out*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*Buzz and Frank introduce each other. Frank says he’s looking for Orangutan Gargantua*

Warlock: The gorilla they found?

 

*Bobo (Burt Wenland) opens the trap and Buzz figures out Stanley is in it. The natives run away*

America: This is making a monkey out of the situation.

Wallstreet: African League of Road Improvement?

 

*Stanley and the gorilla imitate each other*

Warlock: I think they better get back to camp.

 

*Grappler and Boots put Andy the Alligator in a cage but it escapes*

Warlock: Andy made it.

 

*Stanley wants to take a bath and Buzz says Diana maybe has the diamonds already. Stanley scoffs as Andy swims into the lake. Buzz makes Stanley dive onto the wrong side of the lake where crocodiles are*

Warlock: This is not gonna end well.

 

*Buzz sees Andy and faints. Andy starts tickling Stanley. Stanley sees Andy and swims for it*

Warlock: Swim for your life!

 

*Boots and Grappler complain about Stanley and Buzz while Clyde does his lion taming act*

Warlock: Good thing Neyzor Blades can’t see this.

America: 36 minutes left.

Wallstreet: I believe we’re going to make it.

 

*Clyde wants to bring lions back to the states. Stanley pulls Diana aside and has Buzz dress as a lion. Diana spots the Buzz as a lion and freaks out. Buzz then sees a real lion and faints*

Warlock: What’s his name?

America: Who?

Warlock: The lion.

America: Burt.

 

*Burt the Lion walks into the camp and Stanley puts him in the cage thinking its Buzz. Stanley locks himself in and throws both the key and his gun away. Grapper and Boots scoff*

Warlock: Hahahaha

Wallstreet: This is going to be funny.

 

*Stanley talks to Burt like its Buzz and Burt swipes at him. Stanley bites Burt’s paw and it growls out. Grappler, Boots and Diana leave. Buzz shows up and Stanley acts like he’s not even in the cage. He laughs as Buzz says to get out of there. Stanley acts like the lion is fake until he realizes its a real one. Buzz finds the key and walks back, thinking Burt ate Stanley. He laments as Clyde opens the cage. All the lions are let in the cage and Clyde tames them all*

Warlock: Neyz would hate this.

 

*Stanley was hiding inside the box the whole time.He goes to run out and the other lions chase him away. Stanley runs into Buzz who laments about him, Stanley plays along*

Wallstreet: Hahahahaha

 

*Buzz says he’ll get the lion and Stanley says don’t do that. Buzz realizes its him next to him and acts like he’s a mirage. Buzz calls him a doublecrosser and bops him. He falls and lands on a real diamond*

Warlock: Don’t get hoggish.

 

*Stanley says those aren’t diamonds, they’re broken milk bottles*

Warlock: Its a trap!

 

*Cannibal Chief (Martin Wilkins) set the diamonds to lure them into a trap. Buzz and Stanley are caught and prepared*

Warlock: Ever seen Cannibal Ferox?

America: No.

Warlock: Good.

America: I’m guessing its better that I didn’t?

Warlock: Mmmhmmm

 

*Chief looks over Stanley and Buzz*

Warlock: 20 minutes left, let’s finish this.

 

*Stanley frees himself but forgets to untie Buzz. Buzz gives him shit for it*

Warlock: That would be something you’d do, America.

America: Yeah, I;m better off leaving you behind.

 

*The cannibals attack but George The Gorilla bops them down. Stanley hits the tree*

America: Yeah you really showed that tree.

 

*Buzz confronts Diana about the diamonds. He says he can lead her to them. He says he wants 50 percent, take it or leave it. Diana says she’s going to fire Clyde and take the offer. Buzz says to move his stuff and to leave Stanley’s stuff there. The cannibals show up and Harry goes to get Diana. Diana tells Clyde he can go and Harry brings Diana to the cannibals. Chief wants a conference with the interpreter (Bill Walker). The translator wants to trade diamonds for Stanley. Diana says sure. Buzz listens in and asks Gunner if he sees Stanley, tell him to hide. Buzz looks for Stanley as he happens to walk right into the conference. He babbles for awhile before he runs for it. Grapper and Boots are told by Diana to go after Stanley. Buzz watches from in hiding. He grabs the diamonds*

Warlock: You greedy sonovabitch.

 

*Stanley runs from the cannibals*

Warlock: He runs fast for a fat guy

America; He does move real well.

 

*Buzz walks into George The Gorilla and faints. Stanley picks him up and they run for it. Buzz grabs the diamond bag and says he’ll hide them. He hides them with George watching. George steals them as Diana is caught in one of Frank’s traps. She asks where Stanley and Buzz are. They run to the cannibal camp as Harry has Gunner by the hands*

Warlock: Hahahahhaa

 

*Stanley and Buzz split up*

America: We all know how that works out.

 

*Gunner and Harry corner Stanley.  Harry says to hold him while he gets help. Stanley points Gunner’s gun at a tree. Later he pretends to be Harry and carries Shemp away. Buzz finds the spot where the diamonds were buried but they’re gone*

Warlock: So who stole the show in this movie?

Wallstreet: Lou Costello.

 

*George calls all the monkeys using a horn. Grappler and Boots abandon the cannibals and run into the monkey trap. They think the other tripped them and they start brawling. Boots “I’ll hit you harder than Louis ever did.”

Warlock: They probably really are hitting each other, that’s the best part.

 

*The monkeys knock both men out*

Warlock: Louis beat both of them.

 

*The cannibals run into the 20 foot tall Orangutan Gargantua. Stanley sees him too and runs like hell*

Warlock: Nice special effects for 1949.

 

*The monkeys bop Stanley when George shows up. George grabs the diamonds, picks up Stanley, Stanley sees him and runs*

Warlock and America: Hahahahhahaa

 

*Buzz goes to leave and Stanley wants on the raft. Buzz refuses to let him on and tells him to get lost. Andy the Alligator shows up as Stanley walks off. Next frame is Stanley a millionaire playboy with his own building*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*Stanley meets Mr. Mercer (Arthur Hecht) and then gets in the elevator. Buzz is the bellhop. He wants a raise and Stanley says he’ll talk to his partner. His partner in the office is George the Gorilla. Stanley says he’s in. End credits*

America: What?

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 5

Mr. Wallstreet’s Assessment: I give it a 7

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6

Final Grade: 6 out of 10: Good

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: It was interesting to see so many comics in one movie and have it still be entertaining. Its not great but its 1949 so there’s not much to complain about in terms of modern standards. Its worth a one time look.

236. Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

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*The Warlock and Mr. America are walking into an opera house. Both are wearing matching tuxedos only America has on avaitor shades and Warlock has gargoyles. They enter to Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top playing while the high class opera goers look at them with scorn*

America: I have to be out of my mind to let you talk me into this.

Warlock: What?

America: Why in the name of hell are we going to an opera???

Warlock: Its not just any opera, you’re going to love it.

America: The words “opera” and “love it” do not go together.

Warlock: Oh don’t be such a trillabooya.

America: I am not a trill……wait what?

*Warlock hands the two tickets to the ticket taker who just happens to be Jay-Z Jedley and they walk inside*

Warlock: Alright, let me guess, two drinks and two hot dogs right?

America: In an opera house???

Warlock: Yeah, good point. Let’s take our seats.

America: I swear to god I don’t think you’ll be living to see the end of tonight.

*Warlock and America take their seats in the balcony*

America: Just for morbid curiosity, what show are we watching anyway?

Warlock: Repo, The Genetic Opera.

America: What? An opera based off the Jude Law movie we saw?

Warlock: Not exactly, but almost, this came out first I believe.

*The lights begin to dim*

Warlock: Oh, its beginning.

 

Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman

Written by Darren Smith and Terrance Zdunich

 

*Warlock reads the tagline*

Warlock: “A worldwide epidemic encourages a biotech company to launch an organ-financing program similar to a standard car loan. The repossession clause is a killer, however.”

America: So it IS like the Jude Law movie.

Warlock: Yeah, only its an opera.

 

*Comic book opening shows an epidemic caused half the world to die. Geneco rose from the ashes to give organ transplants for a price*

Warlock: This is the same shit as Repo Men, only this came first.

 

*Rotti Largo (Paul Sorvino) is the most powerful man in the world. Amber Sweet (Paris Hilton) is also introduced. The Repo Man (Anthony Head) is introduced. The weird dude  gives a rhyme about the Repo Man*

America: We wasted no time. Instead of hitting the ground running, we’re hitting the ground singing.

 

*Repo Man cuts a girl’s heart out*

Warlock: Mind if I eat?

 

*Blind Mag (Sarah Brightman) is in her last performance*

America: You know what would suck? If the engines for the floating TV’s failed?

 

*Rotto says you disgust me*

Warlock: You disgust me!

 

*The doctor informs Rotto that he’s dying, the bodyguard shoots him dead*

Warlock: Well that’s one way to grieve.

 

*Rotto cuts a promo all in rhyme*

Warlock: This is like Woman Haters, the first 3 Stooges short.

 

*Floating bug man appears*

Warlock: Look its a whale.

America: How the hell do you call that a whale?

 

*Graverobber (Terrance Zdunich) is the host*

Warlock: Belowwwwwwwwwwwwwww

 

*Graverobber gets spotted so he and the girl enter a room of dead bodies. Police drag the girl out. Repo Man saves her. Shilo Wallace (Alexa PenaVega) is the Repo Man’s daughter. Nathan is his real name*

Warlock: Oh my fucking god its Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

 

*Shilo has an inoperable disease, she’s naturally bald so she wears black wigs. She goes on a song about being infected*

Warlock: So this is the Saw version of Rent

America: Pretty much.

 

*Shilo looks outside*

America: What a view. That’s prime real estate.

 

*Nathan’s Story. Nathan was a doctor married to Marni (Sarah Power) 17 years ago. Marni was pregnant with Shilo. She got sick and he thought he came up with a cure, only it killed her. He barely managed to rescue the baby Shilo*

Warlock: Good job you quack!

 

*Nathan has Marni in crio stasis and he goes into a solo number*

Warlock: I dig the digitized pictures.

 

*Nathan goes behind the fireplace and turns into the Repo Man*

Warlock: So Giles is a bad ass, I love it.

 

*Irish drinking song with graphic lyrics*

Warlock: Hahahahahahahaha

 

*Amber asks where the fuck is dad. Her brother Luigi (Bill Moseley), Amber and Pavi (Kevin “ohGr” Ogilvie) are all sibilings and they sing of who their father Rotti is going to leave Geneco too*

Warlock: Bill Moseley in the house.

 

*Rotti’s story. 17 years ago Marni was Rotti’s girlfriend and he lost her to Nathan. He snuck poison into Nathan’s cure. He had Nathan’s life ruined. He also says his kids will inherit nothing*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Rotti goes on his own rhyming number. His bodyguards (Andreja Punkins and Alisa Burket) kidnap Shilo and throw her into the limo. He sings to her*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Rotti says she should meet Blind Mag and Nathan doesn’t have to know. Meanwhile Nathan goes on a sadistic number before cutting someone open and ripping his intestines out. He retrieves organs and sings no one likes a thankless job. He cleans off his suit while watching a commercial for Geneco. The spokesperson (J Larose) introduces Blind Mag*

Warlock: Excitement is in the air.

 

*Geneco’s expo is going to be hosted by Blind Mag. Pavi has his face put on. More arguing with Amber and Luigi. Rotti sends them away as Rotti introduces Mag to Shilo and says they’re together again*

Warlock: Together again?

 

*Blind Mag’s story. 17 years ago two best friends Mag and Marni, Mag was blind. Marni was dating Rotti. Rotti cured Mag’s blindness but at the cost of her freedom. She has to serve Rotti for life*

Warlock: So more or less an aunt to Shilo.

 

*Shilo is thrown into a tent. Nathan gets a message from Rotti to repossess more organs. He sings to Shilo through a wristwatch phone while he cuts someone open*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

America: What?

 

*Nathan says a patient of his is sick*

America: That’s an understatement.

 

*Shilo takes medication for her blood disease. Graverobber sticks his head in*

Warlock: There’s the alien shoot him!!!!!

 

*Graverobber breaks out Shilo*

Warlock: 58 minutes to go, can you handle it?

America: Sure.

 

*Tabloid comics on Amber’s zydrate use*

Warlock: Like a live action National Enquirer.

 

*Drug Market song*

Warlock: I like the riff.

 

*Amber and her bodyguards (Martin Samuel and Stephan Dubeau) show up. Graverobber is Amber’s zydrate dealer. Amber goes on a number on her own. Graverobber says if Mag splits, the Repo Man will come for her eyes. Graverobber and Shilo split as Rotti’s guards capture Amber*

Warlock: So Paris Hilton is a heel, that makes perfect sense.

 

*Nathan is brought before Luigi, Amber, Pavi and Rotti. They sing to him that he’s to remove Mag’s eyes because she’s skipping town. Rotti reveals to cover up the fact she murdered Marni, he turned him into Repo Man to pay off his debt*

Warlock: If only he knew.

 

*Nathan goes on a number about being a night surgeon*

Warlock: Bravo, bravo!

America: Bravo!

 

*Nathan says he can’t cut Mag’s eyes out and Rotti says no one walks away from him. Rotti says he’ll take him out. Mag visits Shilo and says she’s her godmother. Mag shows her mother when she was younger using a hologram projector in her eyes. Mag  says to follow her dreams when Nathan walks in. Shilo sings at him asking why he told her Shilo died. They argue while singing and Nathan throws Mag out*

Warlock: Nonsense.

America: Nonsense.

 

*Nathan refuses to help Shilo and Mag because Shilo thinks the Repo Man will get her not knowing he IS the Repo Man*

Warlock: All he has to do is tell her he won’t let the Repo Man get her.

 

*Shilo goes on her number on being 17*

Warlock: *Sings* She’s only seventeeeeeeeeeeeen

 

*The guitar player (Joan Jett) plays during the makeshift concert*

Warlock: That’s the real Joan Jett.

America: No kidding!

 

*Shilo says she’s a fucking monster and Nathan slaps her down. He quickly apologizes and we cut to Rotti confronted by Amber. Amber whines and says she’ll never sing again*

Warlock: Good.

 

*Rotti looks at the disfigured Amber and gags. He coughs and he says he’ll have one of his surgeons fix her so she can sing that night. Rotti sings his plan is to wipe out the kids and leave Geneco to Shilo. He sings gold makes the world go around. Rotti says he has Shilo’s cute but Nathan hears it. He goes to change behind the fireplace and Shilo runs to the window. Rotti’s message is at the window*

Warlock: What the hell is this about?

 

*Rotti’s goons attack Nathan, Nathan kills the two goons. Rotti says he wants Nathan Wallace taken out and reveals he’s the Repo Man. Shilo escapes and Nathan says to make Rotti pay at the opera that nigh. Nathan sends a message to Shilo that she should wear her mother’s dress to the opera*

Warlock: Still got a half hour left, this can’t be the end.

 

*Mag, Nathan, Shilo, Pavi, Amber, Amber and Luigi all prepare for the opera that night. Graverobber narrates what may happen at the end, whoever is left alive wins Geneco*

Warlock: That actually does sound exciting.

 

*Single mom (Jake Reardon) bares her top*

Warlock: Yay, titties.

 

*Big Man (Marty Adams) dances in the crowd*

Warlock: Fat guy dances better than you do.

America: That’s not saying much.

 

*Rotto “Testify!”

Warlock: Where’s D’Von?

 

*Rotti says she’s going to be used as bait to draw out Repo Man. Amber has her own solo*

Warlock: Somebody shoot her.

 

*Amber’s face falls off and the crowd boos*

Warlock and America: Booooooooooo!

 

*Rotti “Bring me Repo Man and you’ll get your cure.”

Warlock: Sounds simple.

 

*Blind Mag sings.opera*

Warlock: This is killing my ears.

 

*Mag cuts her own eyes out, Rotti cuts her chord and she’s impaled through the fence below. The voiceover says its all part of the show*

Warlock: So much for Mag.

 

*Rotti says Shilo will be cured as the main event. Repo Man shows up and Shilo hits him in the head. He unmasks and Shilo drops her blunt object. They sing argue at each other. Shilo runs off and Nathan says Rotti is to blame. We get more comic book graphic violence*

Warlock: Perfect.

 

*Nathan walks out onstage and sees Mag dead. Luigi guts him with a spike. Rotti says Pavi is worthless. Rotti says Nathan killed his mother and poisoned Shilo. Shilo drops and flashes the entire movie in 25 seconds. Shilo wakes up, Rotti hands Shilo a gun and says if she kills Nathan, she gets Geneco. The kids protest and wrestle each other. Suddenly Shilo grabs the gun and aims at Rotti saying he used her to get to Nathan. The lights go out and Rotti shoots Nathan*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Rorri says Pavi and Luigi are creatures. He tells them both to go away. He calls Amber disgusting and not his daughter. Rotti says when he’s gone, Geneco will crumble. He falls down dead*

Warlock: Well that was easy.

 

*Nathan and Shilo sing before Nathan dies in her arms*

Warlock and America: *Fake death* Ehhhhhhhhhhh

 

*Shilo goes on a solo number before walking out, entering a limo. Graveronner reads the news and sings the outro song*

Warlock: This guy is the movie’s Crypt Keeper.

 

*Amber, Luigi and Pavi get their outros in comic form. Amber sold her face in an auction…to Pavi. End credits*

Warlock: Now is it over?

 

*One last credits scene shows Amber as Geneco’s new CEO*

Warlock: Wonderful, NOW its over.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 5, it wasn’t that bad.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7 out of 10. I digged the dark humor although the fact Shilo never learned that Rotti poisoned the mother was a little disheartening.

Final Grade: 6 out of 10: Good

 

*The red curtain goes down as warlock and America stand and applaud*

Warlock: Bravo! Bravo!

America: What a show! What a show!

*Suddenly Warlock and America are pelted with programs, tomatoes, gloves, hats and eggs. One patron complaibs they talked during the whole opera as another shouts to “get them!”*

America: Holy shit, let’s get outta here!

Warlock: Run for it!

*Warlock and America run off*

235. Relentless 2: Dead On (1992)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, OOGA BOOGA t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a can of pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host…..

*Suddenly Mr. America runs out, grabs Warlock and throws him inside*

Warlock: Hey, hey watch the threads. The hell is the matter with you? Almost spilled my drink.

*Mr. America is wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: I thought you said Mr. Wallstreet was going to be here, where is he?

Warlock: I never said he’d be here today, I just said he’d be here.

America: Oh come on.

Warlock: Patience, patience. It’s just the two of us today.

America: Fine, fine….

*America throws up his hands and sits in the recliner*

Warlock: Before I was rudely interrupted, I was going to say tonight’s movie is Relentless 2. The sequel to the movie we saw a few weeks back.

America: You mean the one where Judd Nelson was the killer?

Warlock: That’s right, apparently the studio big wigs liked it so much they brought back the main character for a sequel.

America: So he has to catch a killer played by someone less famous, right?

Warlock: Exactly!

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Let’s begin Relentless 2.

 

Directed by Michael Schroeder

Written by Phil Alden Robinson and Mark Sevi

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Detective Sam Dietz (Leo Rossi) is paired with a shady FBI agent to track down another serial killer terrorizing Los Angeles.”

America: Oh boy.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: Creepy as fuck credits.

 

*Somebody is hanging*

Warlock: Woah.

America: That’s nice.

Warlock: Not wasting any time.

 

*Killer watches guy hang*

America: You are getting sleeepy.

 

*Killer lets go. Body has arms outward to protect his fall*

America: Alright if he’s dead, the body would have just hit the floor, it wouldn’t have braced the fall like that.

 

*Killer drops down through a window onto support beams.A mechanic (Sven-Ole Thorson) knows he’s there, picks up a tire iron and tells him to come out.  Killer hangs him using a chain too and beats the crap out of him. Mechanic fights back with a bear hug and a headbutt but Killer still manages to hang him again. He punches the chain link fence*

Warlock: That would hurt his own hand.

 

*Sam has a nightmare of the first movie before waking up. Sam looks at a picture of his wife Carol (Meg Foster)*

America: Are you gonna go with dead, divorced or married?

 

*Sam gets a call from Carol and he blows her off to take another call*

Warlock: I’m gonna go with divorced.

 

*Sam talks to the press and looks at a creepy looking guy. Sam checks out Mechanic’s corpse and symbols painted on the wall in blood. He tells everyone in the room how it happened*

America: He wouldn’t be much of a cop if he didn’t know.

 

*Belinda (Leilani Jones) doesn’t want to work the next day, Sam says give her husband play time so she can get away with it*

Warlock: Taken from a pro.

 

*Killer returns to his hotel room and pulls out a briefcase from his ceiling tile. He finds a victim’s name and studies the file. Sam meets Captain Rivers (Dale Dye) and is introduced to Kyle Valsone (Ray Sharkey) the FBI guy. Kyle says the killer has 22 confirmed kills and Rivers puts him on the case*

Warlock: This guy died a year later of AIDS.

 

*Killer pops up disguised as a couch and attacks his next victim. Kyle has high tech equipment in his car and Sam scoffs at him for using a pager. They find Mechanic’s apartment where Paul Taglia (Marc Poppel) says there’s been another killing. Two male cross dressing hookers walk past Killer as he goes and takes an ice bath naked*

Warlock: Ugh, talk about shrinkage.

 

*Kyle gives the file on Sam and his supervisor says they need to meet*

America: He insists.

 

*Sam checks out the symbols on the wall covered in blood as Taglia bags the evidence. Sam looks over the crime scene with Kyle. Kyle is just as good as Sam at detecting and Sam is shocked. Belinda can take the day off. In the car Kyle and Sam share their caseloads*

Warlock: Why not?

 

*Kyle pays a valet (Anthony Donato) at the St Bonaventure hotel to go over the Killer’s case file. Killer is Gregor (Miles O’Keefe) and the Supervisor is Grazinsky (Allan Rich). Sam walks into Carol’s house and they fight. Cory (Brendan Ryan) still has nightmares about the first movie. He rides up on his bike and into Sam’s arms. Sam says he can’t stay but he’ll be around tomorrow*

Warlock: A cop’s work is never done.

 

*Grazinsky says Gregor must be stopped. Kyle says give him time and he’ll get results. Grazinsky gives him 24 hours to find the killer. Kyle says he understands*

America: Do you really understand?

 

*Sam goes to the film room and asks if anybody is there*

Warlock: The film canisters are gonna answer no.

 

*Henry (Art Kimbro) helps Sam hack into the FBI mainframe and Henry tells him to go eat a donut. Sam falls asleep for an hour. Henry tells him they have a problem, the victims have all been dead for 20 years*

Warlock: There’s a pattern.

 

*Gregor buys a newspaper and has to pay 45 cents*

Warlock: Should have just whacked the guy with it.

 

*Gregor flashes back to when he was in the military. Meanwhile Sam walks into Carol’s house which is now up for sale. They argue in front of Cory and Sam walks out. Carol tries to apologize and Sam says he’s in a very bad case and Kyle is a pain in the ass. She hands him a Sheriff’s application as a peace offering. She wants him to take the job so he can be closer to home and out of danger*

America: Yes, get the bad guy, take the job and live happily ever after.

 

*Kyle tells Sam that Gregor uses superglue to mask his fingerprints. Kyle says he should have read the case file.  Dr Park (John F Goff) says Kyle is impressive. Sam asks Francine (Mindy Seager) where Rivers is. Rivers is at the track. Sam asks Rivers about Kyle and the computer system. Kyle then holds a seminar of Gregor’s M.O*

Warlock: And he stinks too.

 

*Kyle and Sam trade barbs as Kyle makes a crack at Sam’s family and threatens to have him demoted. Sam walks out and finds Henry who had been transferred. Henry tells him it was over the night before and there’s nothing wrong with the computers. Sam apologizes*

America: I don’t think your apology carries much weight.

 

*Sam meets with Dr. Park on the roof while he fixes his cable. Sam breaks Dr. Park’s pipe by accident. He uses superglue to glue it back together as Sam asks what the symbols and superglue is about. Park asks about Sam’s personal life, he says “Fine, never better.”

America: Liar.

 

*Park says he needs to talk to him before he eats himself and his marriage alive. Sam figures out the connection is that the victims were already legally dead. Sam smirks and says he’s got Kyle. Sam then reports to Rivers that Kyle isn’t telling the whole story. The victims were in the witness protection program.*

America: If you accuse someone of insanity, it makes NO sense to take a physical. You need to see a psychiatrist, not a personal fucking trainer.

 

*Sam says Kyle is covering this up and tells Rivers to make some calls and not to tell Kyle that he knows. Kyle shows up later and Sam says he’s going home to see Cory. He invites Kyle over and Kyle passes. Sam get an A plus paper from his son and they high five*

Warlock: Great job.

 

*Gregor flashes back while in the ice bath*

Warlock: Let me guess, Russian assassin?

America: Something.

 

*Hotel clerk (Loren Farmer) tells Cleaning Lady (Jean Adams) to stop bringing the dog around. She knocks on Grazinsky’s door and opens it, he’s dead. Gregor attacks and rips her wig off before throwing the dog out the window*

America: I hate this guy.

 

*Gregor in disguise attacks and kills two cops, taking one of their uniforms*

Warlock: This guy is a professional.

 

*A blonde cop (Lisa M Hansen) asks where the killer went and Gregor in disguise tells her to shh and points the other way. He drops down and clotheslines a motorcycle cop, escaping into a bowling alley. Another cop chases him*

Warlock: Hooray, deaths to more character’s that don’t matter.

 

*Gregor traps the cop in the bowling equipment but the cop cries out for help, so Gregor lets him go. He knocks him out*

Warlock: What was that about?

 

*Ibsen (Steve Kahan) says Kyle was on the money and Sam is wrong. Sam wants to see the witness list. He screams at them and Ibsen tells him to watch it. He and Kyle walk away and Rivers gives him a tongue lashing. He acts what the hell is wrong with Sam lately*

Warlock and America: Hahahaha

 

*Sam confronts Kyle in the bathroom and says this won’t stop him. Sam says he’s dirty and he knows it. Kyle gets physical and tells him to back off. He leaves and Sam follows him. He drops Kyle with a right hand and Rivers says he’s suspended. Sam says he quits and walks out. Meanwhile Gregor stitches himself up*

America: Oh that looks fun.

 

*Gregor’s next target is an old army buddy.  One of the cops let’s Kyle know Grazinsky is dead and Kyle goes to the crime scene. Kyle says the murder isn’t with the serial murders and Taglia questions him. Kyle blows him off as Gregor reads the newspaper with an ad mocking him*

Warlock: Ha, remember Judd Nelson in the first movie how they used the paper to fuck with him?

America: Ahhhh yeah.

 

*Gregor blows off the waitress (Shelby Chong) as Toby (Steven Lambert) heads to the construction sight while listening to a killer guitar riff*

Warlock: I gotta get this on MP3.

 

*Ted (David Conrades) tells him to work somewhere else. Gregor tries to hang Toby but Toby cuts himself loose with pliers. A fist punches through the wall to drop Toby*

Warlock: That helps.

America: Ha!

 

*Toby recognizes him “Gregor?” Gregor kills him and writes blood graffiti. Meanwhile Carol visits Sam and Sam tells her that he punched Kyle and possibly got fired. He doesn’t know what to do. Carol embraces him and they start macking before Taglia knocks on the door*

Warlock: Cock block

 

*Sam “Its a good thing you don’t schedule airline flights because your timing sucks.”

Warlock and America: Hahahhaha

 

*Sam gets a hint from Carol that the victims were making too much money for their job professions. Sam vents to Taglia and Taglia says Kyle is leaving soon. Taglia says to kiss Rivers ass to get his job back. Sam hands the casefiles over to Taglia but keeps the bankbook. Taglia gets a radio that Toby has been killed and Sam tells him to call him later*

Warlock: 25 minutes left.

 

*Sam figures out the victims have the same banks. Sam calls Francine and asks where the latest crime scene was. She’ll call him back. Taglia rushes to the crime scene and Kyle is already there. Kyle tells Taglia to check out Toby’s apartment as Gregor gets packed and ready to leave. Gregor freaks completely out and pulls out a wooden box. Inside is a handcannon*

Warlock: Its like Robocop’s gun. Somebody’s gonna die.

 

*Sam gets a call from Carol. They’re on their way to the counselor and Sam blows her off. Francine calls on the other line and tells him where to go. Meanwhile Taglia investigates Toby’s apartment and Sam is already there. Taglia says Kyle is on their way. Sam tells Taglia what he knows. The victims all have the same branch at the same bank. Sam leaves before Kyle arrives. Taglia tells Kyle they found nothing. Sam goes to the bank and pulls his badge to be let in, the bank guard pulls his badge and says to go away*

Warlock: Hahahahahhaa

 

*The mailman (Gregory R Wolf) tells him to move. Sam wonders if he plays poker*

Warlock: Who’s he?

 

*Sam hides in a parking garage. He finds Kyle’s cell phone and goes over his previous calls. The LA Tribune, the FBI and the Soviet Embassy. Sam asks Paul for a favor and we cut to Kyle’s suite. Sam calls him from the ground below and Kyle goes to meet him*

Warlock: This should end well.

 

*Sam confronts Kyle. He says all 3 victims shared the same bank and same branch. Kyle then pulls a badge that says he’s NSA. Kyle says he’s not the bad guy, he just has more info than Sam can handle. Watching from afar is Gregor. Kyle checks Sam for a wire. Kyle then says its not about witness protection, the killer is Soviet special forces. He’s taking out the entire network of informants. Kyle’s mission is to help the Soviet’s bring him in. Sam says the symbols match a serial killer, Kyle says it was to make it look like a serial killer. Sam says Rivers needs to know so Sam can get his job back. Sam hands Kyle the files he was going to send. Sam then reveals it was a set up, there are no files. Kyle pulls a gun on Sam when Taglia pulls up. Kyle shoots him dead and knocks out Sam*

Warlock: Saw that coming.

 

*Kyle has Sam all tied up and starts beating on him. Kyle says the Soviets are knocking each other off so they shouldn’t interfere. Sam asks Kyle why didn’t he kill Gregor himself. Kyle says he does what the mission calls for, and the mission is don’t let the informants squeal. Kyle goes to finish off Sam when Gregor shows up. Gregor puts a gun to Sam’s head and then shoots Kyle dead*

Warlock: Surpriseeeeeeeee!

 

*Gregor shoots Sam free and asks who makes the choices in life. He says yesterdays hero shouldn’t become tomorrow’s villain just because a change in ideology. Gregor shoots Sam in the leg and walks off.  Sam hobbles after him and says he can’t let him walk out of there.  Gregor flashes back to his wife and kid and empties his gun without Sam noticing. He turns to shoot and Sam shoots him dead*

Warlock: Did I just see a dove fly by?

America: Pretty sure you did.

 

*Sam finds the empty clip and figures out Gregor pulled an assisted suicide. He returns to his apartment on crutches. He looks at the Sherriff’s application and Sam calls Carol. He says he was at the hospital because he was shot. He says he’s okay and tells Carol that they’ll talk when she gets there. He says “Make that Sherriff Sam” Carol cries and smiles, telling him she loves him. Sam says he loves her too and we get the end credits*

Warlock: Isn’t that a happy ending?

America: Mmmmm

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5, not as good as the first movie but a solid sequel. Kind of a hard to follow plot but it had the babyface ending. Its worth a one time look as far as sequels go.

Final grade: 4.5 out of 10 – Below Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: As with most sequels it wasn’t as good as the first movie but it still was watchable. It wasnt the worst but it wasn’t the best either. It was somewhat hard to follow but the ending had all the bad guys cleared out so no problems there. Take a look if you want. That about wraps up another below average adventure, have a pleasant evening.

234. Bounty Hunters (2011)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, AMERICAN NINJA t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades.  He’s holding a red thermos of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock does nothing but walk inside*

Warlock: Tonight is a special IT CAME FROM SEVEN-ELEVEN. Tonight’s movie stars former WWE Women’s Champion Trish Stratus. Yes of course I’m serious. I have no idea what this movie is really about but we’re about to find out. Its called Bounty Hunters and it came out in 2011. That’s all I know about it.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s start Bounty Hunters.

 

Directed by Patrick McBrearty

Written by Reese Eveneshen

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A hundred thousand dollar bounty or a million dollar execution?”

Warlock: The hell kind of a tag-line is that?

 

*Movie begins with elevator music and the opening credits*

Warlock: Oh this is not off to a good start.

 

*Jules (Trish Stratus) does a voice over as she has a gun pointed at her head. She’s wearing a school girl uniform*

Warlock: Good visual though.

 

*Chase (Boomer Phillips) is her partner who is unconcious on the ground. Ridley (Frank J Zupancic) is her boss. He’s trying to talk Mob Bosss out of killing Jul. Mario (Enrico DiFede) wants the money, he’ll let Mob Boss and Ridley shoot each other for all he cares after. We get a graphic that says “10 hours earlier”

Warlock: Oh great a flashback.

 

*Chase and Jules work out. Jules is a pro while Chase sucks*

Warlock: He’s making me sick.

 

*Jules walks up to Matt Plant (Marc-Andre Boulanger) and says he’s under arrest for jumping bail*

Warlock: The guy is built like Batista, you sure you want to try that?

 

*Matt says that’s funny. He says no and Chase says he’s with her. They’re going to take him in. Ridley distracts the counter girl (Paige Albrecht) as Matt drops a weight barbell on Chase’s foot. Chase hops around*

Warlock: How did you not see that coming?

 

*Jules jumps on Matt’s back and twirls around. She then does a tiltawhirl into a chokehold. Mat breaks free and she swings on the free weight to execute a frankensteiner on him*

Warlock: Is she gonna use the bulldog next?

 

*Jules uses the cartwheel kick to knock Matt down. He grabs her by the throat and goes to powerbomb but she head scissors him down. She locks in a head scissors on the ground to render him weak and Chase finish him off with a barbell to the head. Jules says thanks for the help*

Warlock: She should have covered him for the 3 count with Ridley as the referee.

 

*Chase and Jules hand the paperwork into Ridley. He says their next mission is to find Peter Wallace (Rodrigo Fernandez-Stoll). He’s at his girlfriends house and Jules says she’s busy that night working. Chase says let her go, he’ll collect on his own. Ridley says that’s not how they do things there. Later on Jules bangs on the door and says to open up. Chase says just once he’d like to see someone actually open the door peacefully. Jules says that’s not going to happen. She kicks the door in*

Warlock: Doesn’t she need a warrant?

 

*Peter’s girlfriend jumps on Chase’s back and he subdues her. Ridley runs in as Peter starts shooting at them. Chase asks what he’s packing and the girl says “A nine inch dick you faggot.”

Warlock: Nice dialogue.

 

*Peter shouts to let Mimi (Shealyn Angus) to go and Chase says there’s 3 of them with guns and one of him, guess how this turns out*

Warlock: Well he could pull out a bazooka, you never know.

 

*Mimi says its a BBgun and Jules says to surrender or she’ll hurt him. He calls her a fucking bitch and Ridley says “Oh no.” Jules grabs a trash can lid, deflects the BB’s and beats the crap out of him. Jules cuffs him and Ridley says he can find a new girlfriend in jail. Peter “Fuck you ya piece of shit.”

Warlock: Some salty language tonight.

 

*Chase and Ridley with Peter in the back of the van drop Jules off at her real job, a strip joint. Peter is excited and Chase wants to go in with her but Ridley says no*

Warlock: Cock block.

 

*Jules says she’s a bartender and not a drug dealer. Chase wants to go for drinks, the round is on him. Ridley says no and to drive off. Jules starts taking her clothes off in the changing room. She only gets to her underwear before she puts on a school girl outfit*

Warlock: Every teenager back in Trish’s prime just went “Yayyyy…awwwwwwww” Including me.

 

*Peter says he’s really sorry about the BBgun thing. He wants to be let go as Ridley and Chase totally ignore him. Chase wants Ridley to check his lotto numbers and Chase stops short so Peter hits his head on the cage. Chase’s lottto tickets are worthless. Ridley asks what he could possibly have that they’d want. Peter says he knows a 100 grand bounty named Mario that they can collect. Chase wants to look it up. Ridley says it checks out, Peter is right. Ridley says if Peter can give him intel, he won’t go to jail. He tells them he knows a girl that works at a strip joint where Mario hangs at. There’s a tattoo on his left forearm. Ridley knows because its on the intel. Chase says its a shitload of money and Ridley says the force finds out, they’re fucked. Peter swears this is no trick. Chase wants to go after it. Ridley says not without Jules. Chase says that’s fine*

Warlock: And there’s your plot.

 

*Ridley walks into the strip joint. One guy gropes Jules and she punches him out with her right hand. A guy takes a swing at her and she hiptosses him into a table. She headbutts the third guy and throws him as wqell, all without spilling the bar tray*

Warlock: That was impressive.

 

*Ridley tells Jules to come with him. In the car Chase is jealous that Jules and Ridley are an item. Chase says Peter is not going anywhere as Mercedes gets naked on a pole*

Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*Ridley tells Jules about the mission. Ridley and Chase want the 100 grand. Jules “We’re supposed to believe this fuck face?” Chase says Ridley won’t do it unless all 3 of them will do it. Jules wants to do it by the book but Ridley says they’d be 33 grand richer and she’d have money for Sofia*

Warlock: Who the hell is Sofia?

 

*Chase says he’s been there before. Jules loads her gun with blanks. Chase and Ridley explains the noise usually scares off innocent bystanders. Chase has a real one in case things get messy. They enter The Lounge Massage Parlor.  Chase bullshits the receptionist as Jules makes him look silly. Jules tells Chase to stop thinking of threesomes with her*

Warlock: Every teenager’s dream in 2001.

 

*Chase and Jules find the manager’s office. Mario has been crashing there recently. He walks out of the bathroom and Jules identifies him. Mario mentions Hal (Joseph Rafla) must have sent them. Jules and Chase chase Mario and Jules kicks his ass while an asian guy beats the crap out of Chase. The receptionist clocks Jules with a stick. Chase calls timeout and calls the guy a dick. He tackles the guy as Mario says he’s gonna hit Jules with the punch that made him famous. Ridley out of nowhere points a gun at his head and says if he lands the punch, his brains will be splattered. Outside the trip lets Peter go. The receptionist places a phone call as they all leave. She calls Hal*

Warlock: The mob boss.

 

*In the van, Jules says she’ll take her cut to go on vacation with her daughter.  Mario threatens them by saying they don’t know what they’re dealing with. Hal then calls Ridley and identifies himself. He shouts for Mario and Mario says he’s there. Hal says he’s gonna rip Mario’s tongue out and he’ll pay them a million dollars to deliver him in exchange for him. Ridley says no deal much to Chase’s dismay. Ridley hangs up on him and Chase says to go for the million. Chase pulls over and Ridley says he needs to think. Ridley says Hal will kill him. Chase says Mario is dirty anyway so who cares. Ridley and Jules say they can;t have a million dollars at the cost of someone’s life. Jules says she doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. Chase is indignant as Ridley says they have to do what’s right. Chase wants the money and Jules brings up the application. Chase pulls out a letter saying he got rejected for a medical condition*

Warlock: Heh, he got wished well on his future endeavors. Wonder where they got that line from? Maybe Jules knows….

 

*Chase rants and goes back to the van. Meanwhile Hal asks a crooked cop (Craig Cyr) for intel on the trio. Chase has been trying to get on the force for years but had a hockey accident. Jules can kick serious ass. Ridley is a neighborhood hero and a hero to the kids. He was engaged to his college sweetheart when a punk shot up a convienience store, killing the woman. He had jumped bail a week earlier. Ridley became a bounty hunter to prevent that in the future*

Warlock: So he gave absolutely no background on Jules but the life story of Ridley and Chase. The hell was that about?

 

*Ridley calls Hal and asks when and where. Hal says he made a wise decision and hangs up. He then goes to Peter who’s all tied up*

Warlock: Well this should be good.

 

*Hal says Peter was stupid enough to jump bail and then on top of it, he ratted out Mario. Hal says he’s gotta pay a million dollars to get Mario back or else Mario will rat Hal out to save his own ass. Hal rambles on and on before grabbing a golf club. He goes to cave Paul’s head in but we don’t get to see it. Mario notices a car pulling up and says “He sent Francis (Christian Bako)!”

Warlock: But everyone calls him psycho!

 

*Francis exits his car with a gun. He says put him in the trunk and he’ll give the money. Jules pulls a gun on Francis and Mario elbows Chase before running for it. Francis shuts the trunk and drives after him, Jules is knocked goofy. Chase tags Francis in the arm as Ridley tends to Jules. Ridley carries Jules to the hospital and Ridley tells the nurse to call him when they have an update on her condition*

Warlock: Wouldn’t be much of a movie if she died.

 

*Francis walks into the bathroom where a homeless man (Craig Porritt) tells him to fuck off. Francis calls Hal and says the deal went bad, Mario got away. Mario sayshe’s got the money and put Jules in the hospital. Hal says he doesn’t care about the money, he wants Mario dead. Francis pulls the bullet out of his arm with his bare hands as the bum rats him out to Hal. Francis pulls a gun out and shoots the bum in the head. Francis says he got shot and is patching himself up. He tells Hal to send the intel on the bounty hunters to his phone so he can take care of them himself. Hal says no, come back and formulate a plan*

Warlock: How about kill everyone involved?

 

*Ridley and Chase have Mario back in custody and they ask who Francis is. Chase says hand him to Hal to get Francis off their back and collect the million. Ridley says to wait. Hal then calls his wife and says she can stay another week in Italy. After he hangs up, he bitches about prices in Italy*

Warlock: Least they’re TRYING some character development.

 

*Hal brings in Deacon (Rixhard Ha) and his associate Ruby (Andrea James Lui) to replace Francis*

Warlock: You know how much I hate “Take out your own guy.”

 

*Chase and ridley talk in a diner as Ruby walks in disguised as a cop. Deacon is the guy that beat the crap out of Chase earlier. Ruby sits next to Chase at the diner. The waitress asks what she wants and she doesn’t answer. She just stares at Chase for a solid minute before he says he has to take a piss. Ruby follows him. Ridley notices Deacon lurking outside the van. Ridley confronts him and says they’re taking him to lock up. Deacon pulls a gun and says to hand over the keys. Ridley says Chase has them. Deacon radios Ruby that Chase has them. In the bathroom Chase goes on about how hot Asian girls in cop outfits are when Ruby stares at him,. Chase sheepishly apologizes as Ruby seduces him only to kicks his ass*

Warlock: He gets beat up by everybody in this movie.

 

*Outside Ridley taunts Deacon as Chase stabs Ruby in the foot before knocking her out with a left uppercut. Chase takes his keys back and says “Everyone knows Asians can’t drive”

Warlock: Yeah that’s going to go over real well with the PC crowd.

 

*Chase runs out and Deacon pulls a second gun on him. Ruby gets in her cruiser and picks up Deacon as the real cops show up. Chase and Ridley drive out of there. Mario says Ruby and Deacon are called to handle situations. Mario says those two are in serious shit now. Ridley says they give Mario up and Hal will leave them alone. Mario says that won’t work. Deacon calls Hal and says they didn’t get Mario but Ruby wants revenge. Hal says he’s sending them intel and to make good use of it*

Warlock: Still got 28 minutes left, this can’t be the end.

 

*Ridley takes a call from Hal. Hal reveals that a cop on their force gave up the GPS in their van so Hal can track them. Ridley says they’re going to turn Mario in and Hal counters by threatening to kill Jules. Ridley says hurt her and he hurts Hal. Hal says to bring him Mario and Ridley says “Fuck you.” Ridley calls the hospital as Jules is being wheeled away by Deacon and Ruby*

Warlock: Too late.

 

*Chase and Ridley drive up as Deacon and Ruby drive off. Jules wakes up in the amulance as we get a chase scene. Ruby holds a gun on Jules and Jules disarms her*

Warlock: She got stabbed in the foot, she shouldn’t be moving that fluidly.

 

*Ruby and Jules beat the crap out of each other. Ridley tells Deacon to pull over and Chase tells Ridley to shoot him in the head*

Warlock: That’s not legal.

 

*Jules and Ruby continue to brawl in the back of the ambulance. Chase complains about the van as they fall bejind. Jules nearly falls out of the ambulance*

Warlock: Woahhhh there.

 

*Deacon wisely puts the noise and the cherries on to get cars to fall behind. Meanwhile Ruby has won the fight with Jules. Ruby checks out the school girl outfit as Ridley and Chase pull over to talk. Chase says its not his fault and Ridley says it is. Hal calls Ridley and says at Hal’s warehouse he’ll make a trade, Mario for Jules. If he’s not there in an hour, Jules dies*

Warlock: That would be a hell of an ending.

 

*Ridley tells Chase that if anything happens to Jules, he couldn’t live with himself. Chase says he has his back. Ridley says their plan is to get Jules back and turn Mario in for the money. Jules taunts Hal saying Chase and Ridley will fuck him up. Jules and Ruby slap each other. Jules “When I get these cuffs off, I’ll show you how a real bitch slaps.”

Warlock: Those are fighting words in my country….too bad we’re not in my country.

 

*The van shows up to the warehouse. Ridley hands ario a gun and says don’t use it until Jules is safe. Mario tells Hal to fuck off. Ridley wants Jules cuffs off and Deacon uncuffs her. She punches Ruby in the face. Everyone draws their guns and Hal demands Mario to walk on over. Jules passes Mario and Mario tells her to get down. He pulls his gun and Deacon shoots him in the shoulder. Mario doesn’t even sell it as everyone scatters*

Warlock: Nice acting Mario, not.

 

*Chase and Ridley split up*

Warlock: America would hate that.

 

*Ruby and Jules brawl one on one. Ruby gets the early advantage with a pump kick. Chase finds Deacon and they go one on one. Deacon beats the shit out of him. Meanwhile Trish hits the Stratusfaction on Ruby*

Warlock: All that’s left is the Bulldog.

 

*Deacon continues to clean Chase’s clock. Ruby goes for the ankle lock but Jules counters out of it. Ruby says in Cantonese they could have had some fun together as Jules hits an axehandle to the back. Deacon continues to kick around Chase as Ruby and Jules continue to trade blows. Ruby hammerlock takeovers Jules a few times before kicking her in the face.  Meanwhile Chase grabs Deacon and snaps his neck out of nowhere*

Warlock: Gets his ass kicked the whole fight and somehow wins it.

 

*Ruby says in perfect Enlgish she’s lucky they found Jules so easily because she would have gone after her daughter instead. Jules punches her in the throat headlocks her, runs up the wall and bulldogs her*

Warlock: There it is! Waiting the whole movie for that.

 

*Jules smashes Ruby’s head in and stumbles away*

Warlock: Never threaten family, it never ends well.

 

*Hal shoots at Mario and Ridley takes Hal hostage. He calls Mario out and Mario walks out. Ridley calls for Jules and Chase and they stumble out. Jules says Chase is in bad shape, Ridley says if Chase dies, so does Hal. Suddenly a shot rings out from behind, its Francis. Hal uses the distraction to push Chase down and take Jules hostage. Hal says its about time he showed up. Mario and Francis point guns at each other. Hal says Francis is his backup and the duffel bag Francis is carrying holds a million dollars. Hal says he’s still willing to pay for Mario. Ridley says no deal. Hal says they either all shoot each other or Ridley takes the money. Mario then says he can. Mario says to Francis to give him the money. He wants the money and he’ll walk out, the rest of them can kill each other off*

Warlock: And now we’re back at present time.

 

*Hal says he’s going to kill Jules and Mario says he doesn’t care, he threatens to kill Francis if he doesn’t hand over the money. Mario cocks his gun and fires at Francis….nothing. Ridley says “Blanks”

Warlock: He’s screwed, not to mention dumb. Why did he think they’d trust him with a loaded gun?

 

*Francis shoots Mario down and from the ground, Chase drills Francis in the gut, killing him. Hal says they’re unfuckingbeliveable. Hal says take the money and go. Ridley says he can’t do that. Hal says he’ll just kill Jules then. Ridley says Hal is going to put the gun down and they’ll take him in. Hal says if he goes to prison, he’s finished. Ridley says the finishing move, he asks if Chase knows it and Chase says he loves it. Jules says everyone loves the finishing move. Ridley says now and Jules does a split, allowing Chase and Ridley to shoot Hal dead*

Warlock: Worst mobster ever.

 

*Ridley and Jules go to kiss, Chase stops them by saying he’s dying. Ridley and Jules carry Chase and pick up the money bag. Jules says not bad for a day’s work and we get the end credits and the gag reel*

Warlock: Yeah, a gaggle of dead bodies everywhere, this is going to look great in a police report. Then again they’re all gangsters, its trash taking care of itself.

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: Well that was a forgetable movie. If Trish Stratus wasn’t in it, would anybody know about this movie? Like if anyone else was in Trish’s role, this would be pretty damn bad. Just for the fact she was in it, I give it a 4 out of 10. Its bad but its not the worst either. I don’t really recommend it unless you’re a big wrestling fan.

Final Grade: 4 out of 10: Bad

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was pretty brainless, thank god for Trish otherwise I would have fallen asleep.  Its not a trainwreck but its not good either. Watch at your own risk, you may or may not like it. That about wraps up another craptastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.

233. Deadly Target (1994)

deadly-target

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, BLOODFIST t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates before walking inside*

Warlock: You’re not going to believe this but its another solo IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE. Tonight’s caper is Deadly Target, the 1994 Gary Daniels movie.

*Camera pans to an empty lair, Warlock takes his seat in the recliner *

Warlock: So let’s not waste any time, let’s begin Deadly Target.

 

Directed by Charla Driver

Written by James Adelstein and Michael January

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A dangerous drug lord, a renegade cop, the ultimate showdown”

Warlock: Gary wants nothing to do with anything ultimate after Firepower.

 

*Movie opens with a plane landing in Los Angeles*

Warlock: Mr America would know what kind of plane that is.

 

*Charles Prince (Gary Daniels) walks off the plane wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt and jeans*

Warlock: Where have I seen that look before.

 

*Two men hit on each other as Charles laughs and says “Lovely California*

Warlock: Pretty common nowadays.

 

*Jim Jenson (Ken McLeod) of the LAPD introduces himself to Prince. Prince is with the Hong Kong Police Department*

Warlock: He’s whiter than I am. At least Don Wilson looked Asian when he played the Japanese cop in Red Sun Rising.

 

*Charles asks if Chang (Byron Mann) is being transferred. Jenson says they’ve had him under surveillance for 3 months and they set up a meeting with his uncle Xiong (Aki Aleong). Jenson says they have a man on the inside named Choi (Timothy Dang) that says Chang is trying to muscle in on Xiong’s territory. When Chang shows the drugs, they’ll pounce. Charles gets Chang and they get the drugs. Jenson says this will be a piece of cake. Charles says he’s chased him all around the world and Jenson says he’ll let him make the arrest when its over*

Warlock: Would be the shortest movie ever if the plan worked.

 

*Jenson and Charles sit nearby as Chang shows up with his lady Mei (Lydia Look). Chang and his crew led by Han (Phillip Tan) scope the place*

Warlock: Phillip Tan in the house.

 

*Xiong and his men walk up as Jenson and Charles decide to take a closer look. Chang, Han and Mei walk in to Xiong’s office. Xiong calls him a good student of deceit. He knows about Chang’s drug operation and he doesn’t want it. Chang says he’s old and needs younger blood. Charles runs in as Jenson calls for backup*

Warlock: A little hasty but good logic by Jenson to call for help instead of go banzai.

 

*The guard holds Charles at gunpoint and Charles kicks the crap out of him*

Warlock: First fight 6 minutes into it. Way ahead of Blood Warriors’ pace.

 

*Chang holds up a key of pure and says he increases the value by ten times, that’s 100 grand. That’s a million dollars of coke. Charles beats the crap out of another Xiong goon. Xiong says he doesn’t need the drugs and the subject is closed*

Warlock: Like Don Corleone telling Sollozo no.

 

*Chang says he will not be stopped as Charles dispatches another goon. A better fighter fights Charles and Charles takes a few hits but ultimately beats him. Chang pulls the gun and shoots him in the head, he falls out the window as Chang’s crew wipes out Xiong’s men*

Warlock: Guess Chang wins the gang war.

 

*Xiong lands on Jenson’s car as Charles finishes off the goon who attacked him. Han shoots and kills some random goon.  Jenson catches up with Prince and tells him to go one way, he’ll go the other. Choi shoots Mei in the leg and holds her hostage as Chang spots the wire Choi is wearing. Choi threatens to kill Mei and Chang says his employees are very loyal. Chang shoots and kills both of them*

Warlock: So much for the informant.

 

*Jenson goes to town on Han and another goon as Charles chases after Chang*

Warlock: Didn’t know Jenson could fight, cool.

 

*Charles grabs a random goon and kicks his ass. Meanwhile Han kicks Jenson’s ass. Charles catches up to Chang but one of his goons shoots at him. Charles shoots him in the shoulder and runs after Chang. Jenson continues to beat Han around. A police cruiser pulls up as Jenson runs out angry. The cruiser goes to shoot Chang when the goon from earlier kamikazes the cruiser, both cars exploding. Charles catches up to Chang and takes him down*

Warlock: Ryu can’t fight? Say it ain’t so.

 

*At the presinct, Charles trash talks Chang and asks why he’s into drugs. He doesn’t answer and we cut to the high seas. An Asian man and a woman are checking out the ship. The man cracks open a box full of coke. The woman is Diana (Susan Byun) and the man says they don’t have to tell Chang and Diana says he better hope she doesn’t.*

Warlock: Some names would be nice instead of just guessing.

 

*Charles tries to get Chang to talk but he won’t. Captain Peters (Max Gail) watches through the screen with Jenson*

Warlock: Wojo in the house!!!!

 

*Charles punches Chang which causes Peters to stop the questioning and have Charles report to his office. Chang taunts Charles saying he’ll beat him due to his lack of experience. Charles side kicks him in the head before reporting to Peters. Peters gives him an earful in his office*

Warlock: Come on Wojo, give him a break.

 

*Peters “I don’t care if you heard fucking bazookas, you call for backup.” Peters says two of his men are dead and its Charles’s fault. Jenson says to lighten up and Peters yells at him too. Peters says that Chang will be on the plane to Hong Kong and then he’s all for Charles but until then he’s under his jurisdiction. Peters throws them out of his office*

Warlock: He’s probably on Chang’s payroll.

 

*Charles waits at the airport for Chang to arrive. Jenson will lead the conclave but the officer driving Chang is nervous as hell*

Warlock: This is not gonna end well.

 

*Somebody tosses a grenade into one of the cruisers and it blows. A car full of goons show up and pins down the rookie cop, Jenson and Chang. Rookie cop doesn’t stay down and he’s shot bu the goons. Charles is still at the airport waiting*

Warlock: Gonna be there a while, have a Snickers.

 

*Back at the station, Jenson reports to Peters that Chang got away. Peters says he got 7 men killed and Charles barges in. He says he’s not leaving without Chang. Jenson says he got away. Charles gives Jenson shit for letting Chang get away. Peters tells him to back off and Charles says he can help get Chang. Peters says he’s a civilian now and to get on a flight home. Charles storms out and accuses Jenson of being on Chang’s payroll since both times they had him, he was the one who screwed things up*

Warlock: Big time accusations.

 

*Jenson shoves him against the wall and Charles shoves him back into the other wall. Jenson says he’d rather have 1 LA cop than ten pricks like him. He tells Pruitt and Randall to escort Charles to the airport. They exchange fuck you’s and Charles says he’s not leaving without Chang. Jenson says in his dreams. Pruitt and Randall (Addison Randall) yuk it up with Charles until Charles beats the shit out of both of them. Charles steals a cruiser and drives around looking for Chang*

Warlock: Yes because Chang is going to randomly run out in the middle of the street and announce his presence.

 

*Charles spots a random drug deal going down. He alerts them and they try to run. Charles beats the shit out of all of them until one of them drops him with a piece of wood. He stands over Charles with a gun but is knocked cold by an unknown assailant. Charles wakes up in Diana’s bed*

Warlock: What…the…hell?

 

*Diana says his clothes are in the wash. She says she carries a brick in her purse. They shake hands and introduce each other.  Charles goes back to sleep after showing concussion symptoms. He wakes up later with Diana watching over him. She made him tea*

Warlock: Is it poisoned?

 

*Diana says she has to get ready for work but make himself at home. He asks what she does for work and she strips to her undies*

Warlock: This just got better.

 

*Diana says he’s a cop and she’s a card dealer so they both see people at their worst. He checks her out and she says he hopes he enjoys the view. He says he’ll drop in on her later and she says hell no. Later on Charles visits her at the club*

Warlock: He doesn’t listen to anyone much.

 

*Jenson finds Charlie and says he’s under arrest. Charlie asks what’s the charge. Jenson says 2 counts of assault and grand theft auto. Jenson asks where the cruiser is and Charlie says parked out front. He tells Diana he’ll be back. Jenson asks what Charlie is doing there and Charlie says its a Chinese gambling club so Chang may be there. Jenson says for once he may be right since the who’s who of the Triad are there. Zhou (Bill M Ryusaki) owns the place. Jenson says they don’t work with Chang but they’ll know where he is. Jenson says he’s still under arrest and Charles says he’s not leaving without Chang. Jenson asks why he’s so hellbent on catching Chang. Charles says its personal and he wouldn’t understand. Jenson says Choi was a friend of his. He knew him for 9 years. Charles apologizes and Jenson says to work with him, no cowboy shit. Charles says he’s staying with Diana for now and hands Jenson her number. Jenson says its must be the accent*

Warlock: Things are about to pick up.

 

*Charles spots Zhou and Diana points out the who’s who. The bouncer (Al Leong) forbids Charles from followng Zhou*

Warlock: He plays a henchman in every movie, I love it.

 

*Charles pretends to be drunk to make the henchman take him to the bathroom where Charles kicks his ass. Charles confronts Zhou and Han and asks where Chang is*

Warlock: Zhou kind of looks like Jack Soo.

 

*Charles asks if they know who he is and Chen (James Wing Woo) says “No but I’m sure you’re gonna let us know.”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Charles says he’s their guardian angel. He’s here to save them from Chang. Han says they’re not involved with him. Charlie reasons that Chang will take them over like Xiong and Zhou says they don’t know where he is. Charles warns them to watch their backs because Chang only cares about himself. Next frame is Chang talking with the very much alive Mei along with 3 other gangsters. One of them says to strike out on their own and Chang ignores him. Chang says Lucky (Ron Yuan) proved his loyalty last night by springing him free. He owes him his freedom but not his livelihood. Lucky “Sorry Chang.” Chang cuts a promo and then cuts his own guy in the gut, killing him*

Warlock: “Take out your own guy” HATED IT!!!

 

*Some guy plays a jazz tune on the sax*

Warlock: Catchy tune, no joke.

 

* Chen chats with the other Triad guys and are split on whether to join Chang or not. Mei and Lucky walk up to propose a deal. Meanwhile two guys fight*

Warlock: Is that James Lew?

 

*Mei wants Chen to join Chang. Chen refuses so she and Lucky blow them all away*

Warlock: There goes the competition.

 

*Charles makes squid for Diana and asks if she’s Chinese. Diana says she’s Californian born and raised. She wants to go to an American restaurant but Charles is adamant about trying the squid salad. He feeds her and she actually great*

Warlock: Yeah right.

 

*Diana says she’s lived there since she was 3. Her father died when he was young. Her mom fixed the place up herself. Diana says she could never leave there*

Warlock: So you know Chang will blow the place.

 

*Diana says the Triad guys are nice guys. Charles says Chang is a drug dealer and a murderer and he’s going to change thing. He says he’s going to check into a hotel and she says no, stay with her. He cooks and she does the dishes. Next morning Jenson orders Taco Bell much to Charles’ dismay. Jenson says Chang had the Triad guys murdered. Chen somehow survived and says Chang is behind it. Gunshots ring out at the courthouse*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*Jenson says not to kill anyone, Charles says just the bad guys. Some terrorist (Chuck Borden) has the court reporter (Marta Merrifield) hostage. Charles disarms the guy and Jenson takes out the partner*

Warlock: What’s the point of this? Unless this is supposed to show teamwork, this is pointless.

 

*Charles kicks the terrorist down the escalator and drops him with a right cross. Jenson jumps on the partner’s car and shouts that he’s under arrest*

Warlock: I don’t think he’s going to listen.

 

*Charles picks up the gun and tells Jenson to get off the car. Charles shoots one of the tires out and shoots the driver from 50 feet away. Jenson says “Are you crazy?”

Warlock: He’s a crack shot.

 

*Peters wants Charles and Jenson in his office. Peters says he’s supposed to be in Hong Kong and Charles bullshits him. Peters continues to give him shit and tells him to get lost and bring him back his cruiser. Charles blows him off as Peters says Jenson is off the case permanently. Peters says if he sticks his nose in the case he’s fired*

Warlock: He’s gotta be on the take.

 

*Jenson tells Charles he’s going to see Chen. Jenson tells Charles to lay low. Charles takes the stolen cruiser and drives off*

Warlock: Love to see Peters chase after him, have a heart attack and die.

*Charles visits Diana. She offers him a beer and says she doesn’t drink. Charles says in a week he’s gotten 2 officers killed and Jenson kicked off the case. Diana says he’s being too hard on himself. They flirt with each other and kiss*

Warlock: 40 minutes left in the movie, time for the pointless sex scene.

 

*Charles says he’s wanted to kiss Diana for six days. She asks what else he wants to do and Charles says “You really want to know?” Diana “Try me.”

Warlock: He’s gonna go put a dent in that.

 

*Chang’s crew visits Han, the only one left. He’s introduced as the next mayor. Lucky pulls a gun and kills Han as Mei wipes out a bunch of innocent bystanders. Jenson confronts Peters and says he wants back on the case. Chen says he’ll match the police sketch Chen gave. Jenson says Chang is a bad man and he can nail him and asks for a chance. Peters relents and says go for it, just keep Charles out of it*

Warlock: Yeah that ain’t happening.

 

*Charles kisses Diana good morning. Charles invites Diana to breakfast and she wants to play with the siren. They share more bonding moments at breakfast. Lucky and Mei crash the breakfast. Lucky says they travel in the same circles and he’s fucking with the wrong people. Lucky says he’s been looking for him. They fight one on one as Mei calls Lucky a stupid idiot. Charles kicks the crap out of Lucky. Lucky pulls a gun and holds Diana at gunpoint, kidnapping her. Lucky drives off as Jenson walks up. Charles tells him to start the car and chase him. Lucky tells Diana to shut the fuck up*

Warlock: Oh boy, a chase scene.

 

*Charles smashes up Jenson’s truck who protests the whole way. Charles “Bloody foreigners!”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Charles nearly runs over pickup basketball players, one of them throws the ball over his head and runs, the ball lands through the hoop*

Warlock: BURIES A THREE!!!

 

*Charles chases Lucky in reverse*

Warlock: That’s original.

 

*Lucky throws Diana out of the car and Jenson says to pull over and get her. Charles says no way, Lucky is one of Chang’s guys so he’s not gonna let him get away. A cruiser swerves in front of Lucky and he flips his car. Jenson and Charles drag Lucky out of the wreckage as Diana walks up. Charles asks if she’s alright and she slaps him, calls him an arrogant, uptight asshole*

Warlock: You got all that because of one small incident?

 

*Diana blames Charles and tells him to leave her alone. Charles chases after her as Mei runs up to Lucky being arrested. Mei reports to Chang that Lucky got bagged. She says not to worry, he won’t talk. Chang doesn’t trust him. Mei asks what to do and Chang says he should have killed Charles in Hong Kong. Mei squeals about Diana and Chang is suddenly interested, he says they may need her for insurance*

Warlock: 24 minutes left, plenty of time to capture her.

 

*Charlie visits Diana who’s taking a bath. He hands her flowers and she pulls him into the bath. They kiss again. We then cut to Lucky being questioned by Jenson. Charles walks in and Peters actually invites him in. Jenson asks where Chang is and Lucky refuses to talk*

Warlock: I just remembered, Lucky is Li from Ring of Fire.

 

*Peters says they may need Charles’ help with this. Next frame has Charles and Jenson tying up lucky for some stretch torture. Jenson goes to drive off and pull Lucky in half. They almost do it when Lucky talks and tells them he’s at the harbor. Charles asks him what birth, Lucky says 53. Jenson thanks Lucky and tells him his services are no longer needed. Lucky warns Charles about how things are done in Hong Kong before Jenson knocks him out with the butt of his pistol. Jenson asks what he meant and Charles figures out they’re going after Diana*

Warlock: I just realized Jenson is Blade from Out For Blood….damn, what a face turn.

 

*Diana listens to an answering machine message from a friend of hers*

Warlock: The shootout with the terrorists and this scene could have been cut and nobody would have noticed.

 

*Charlie calls Diana and says she’s in danger, get out of the house now. Diana instead goes deeper where Mei attacks. Mei beats the crap out of her but she fights back, only to run outside where she’s knocked flat by Chang. She’s kidnapped as Charles runs in with Jenson*

Warlock: Missed it by THAT much.

 

*Jenson and Charles still have Lucky in the trunk. Jenson says they should call for backup. Diana tries to escape. Jenson and Charles load up with Lucky still in the trunk and run off*

Warlock: What? No hostage trade?

 

*Lucky finally escapes the trunk as Diana escapes. Mei taunts her and Diana fights back. Charles beats up a random goon. Diana jump kicks Mei off a set of stairs where she’s impaled below*

Warlock: That takes care of Handsome Harriet.

 

*Charles dispatches his goon and shoots another. Jenson fights a random goon of his own*

Warlock: Now that I know he played Blade, he can definitely kick some ass.

 

*Chang calls for a helicopter as Jenson and Charles dispatch his men one by one*

Warlock: Its over at this point, he’s got no guys left.

 

*The bouncer from the bar from earlier shoots at Charles and Diana knocks him out, steals the gun and shoots a random goon. Lucky boards the ship and knocks Diana down, taking her hostage. Jenson continues to fight his random goon. Charles finally confronts Chang one on one. Chang pulls a gun and says Charles looks just like his brother. Charles grabs Chang but Lucky shows up and holds him at gunpoint. Chang takes Diana away and Lucky goes to shoot Charles but the gun is out of ammo. Chang shoots at Diana but she gets away. Jenson then beats the crap out of a random goon*

Warlock: How many of these goons are there?

 

*Charles beats the crap out of Lucky as Jenson knocks his random goon into the drink below*

Warlock: Hope he brought a snorkel.

 

*Lucky pulls a knife on Charles and Charles guts him with it, killing him by hanging him*

Warlock: NOW Chang is all by himself.

 

*Chang threatens to blow Diana’s head off. The chopper arrives and he makes Diana climb up the ladder first. Jenson shoots at the chopper*

Warlock: Are you an idiot? You may hit Diana!

 

*Jenson moves the cannon turret on the deck, aiming at the chopper. Diana drops into the water safely. Charles shoots the ladder and Chan falls through a table. Jenson blows the chopper away with a cannon blast*

Warlock: How the hell did he know how to operate that?

 

*Jenson and Charles bring Diana to the deck when Chang pops up. Jenson and Charles blow him away*

Warlock: Bye bye Chang.

 

*Charles says his goodbye at the airport to Jenson and Diana when Jenson gets a call for a hostage situation. Jenson says “Let’s go” as he and Charles run off, Diana pouts. End credits*

Warlock: That was better than I expected.

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6.5. It was really good with some great fight scenes, good acting, a solid cast easy to follow storyline and a good ending. It was mostly mindless but unlike Blood Warriors, the technical aspects were much better. There was no horrible looped in dialogue and the one liners were actually funny here. I definitely recommend this for fight fans.

Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very good

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Now that was more like it. We had a string of blah IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE lately but this one was pretty damn good. Like I said earlier I liked the cast, the acting wasn’t bad, the sound quality was pretty good, the writing was easy to follow and it had the happy ending. Not much to really complain about. That about wraps up another good-tastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

231. Blood Warriors (1993)

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*The Warlock is on a Skype call with Mr. Wallstreet at his kitchen table*

Warlock: You’re coming back?

Wallstreet: You damn right I’m coming back. You’ve been doing way too many solo shots lately so its time to bring back the good old days.

Warlock: For how long?

Wallstreet: 2 days.

Warlock: I was hoping a week but it’ll do. When will you be here?

Wallstreet: Soon…very soon.

*Wallstreet cuts off the Skype chat. Warlock turns around. He’s wearing a white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Camera pans to empty lair*

Warlock: Yes, its another solo IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE. Tonight’s B-movie spectacular is Blood Warriors. The 1993 action flick starring the “other” American Ninja, David Bradley. In this movie, an old friend wants him to turn heel and David refuses to. Obviously this means a one on one brawl at the end.

*Warlock turns his attention to his laptop*

Warlock: So let’s brace for Blood Warriors.

 

Directed by Sam Firstenberg

Written by John Stevens Alon, Glenn A Bruce and David Bradley

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “An ex-Marine finds out a old buddy is leading a private army of mercenaries. When an ex-Marine refuses to join an old friendship’s personal army of mercenaries a deadly violent battle erupts between the two men! And this is not good”

Warlock: No its very good, box of fluffy ducks!

 

*Movie begins at the California State Pen*

Warlock: All my friends went to Penn State and I went to the state pen.

 

*A voiceover says a man has been charged with assaulting a police officer and resisting arrest. He’s sentenced to two years in prison. The man is heckled by other inmates*

Warlock: Are we gonna explain this?

 

*We flash back to a war zone. Wes Healey (David Bradley) and his brother Joe (Joe Simpson) are pinned down. Wes starts shooting and it looks like he shoots his own brother in the back*

Warlock: He’s either got horrible aim or he is one sick bastard.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: Little late for that, the movie’s started.

 

*Back at the state pen, the warden mentions that Wes studied under Keith Stone (Frank Zagarino). Wes was top of the class. The warden says he knows Keith Stone. Stone now runs a cartel in Asia. Keith also owns Wes’ farm. All he wants is Wes to work for him. Warden tells him what happened in combat was a tragedy and shit happens. Wes says it was no accident. Warden says he’s free to go….to Asia that is*

Warlock: And we get the plot early.

 

*Keith’s wife Karen (Jennifer Campbell) meets Wes at the airport*

Warlock: This acting is shit already.

 

*Wes says she looks terrific and they hug awkwardly. Karen says its good to see a face from home. Wes asks where Keith is and Karen’s face turns and says to go. Wes gets in a car with a bunch of goons*

Warlock: This can’t be good.

 

*Karen says Keith was killed 2 days earlier, driving off a cliff*

Warlock: The Warden just fucked up big time, set a man free to work for a dead man.

 

*Karen says they’re going directly to the funeral. They arrive as the goons lock and load guns. Karen says Keith believed in a lot of security. The priest (John P Karls) reads the eulogy as Wes looks around. Two cars full of goons show up. Some asshole in a suit gets out of the car and spits on Keith’s grave. Karen slaps him and he goes to slap her, but Wes grabs his arm and says “Don’t do that.”

Warlock: Who’s this guy?

 

*The man says “That was very foolish” and walks away. In the car, Karen explains that was Keith’s rival named Jurgen (Dicky Zulkarnaen). He is very vindictive and Wes asked if Keith’s death was an accident. Karen says Keith had his enemies. They are driven to Keith’s estate with goons everywhere*

Warlock: Let me guess, Wes is going to have to fight them all eventually.

 

*Karen says home sweet home. Wes calls it a palace. Karen tells Wes to get some rest and they’ll have a nice, quiet dinner*

Warlock: Something has to go wrong, this is too easy.

 

*Wes and Karen have dinner and talk during. Karen says this was never her home and Wes says there’s nothing in Texas. Wes asks what Keith’s business was, Karen guesses that he was a merchant. Major Ramsey (Frans Tumbuan) is introduced from the local police. Ramsey asks if Texas is as vast as they say, Wes says vaster*

Warlock: Plaster vaster.

 

*Out of nowhere, Ramsey says Wes is not welcome there. He is accused of assaulting an officer as soon as he got off the plane. Wes says he’s got the wrong guy and Karen says Wes is right. Ramsey says Karen is one to talk knowing what Keith’s business was. Wes says he has no idea what Keith was up to and Ramsey says to meet at the station tomorrow to talk*

Warlock: The acting is shit and its not getting any better.

 

*Wes looks at the picture of himself, Joe and Keith. We flash back to the war briefly as Wes finds a guitar. Karen dresses in lingerie and downs a bottle of wine*

Warlock: Woah.

 

*Wes plays a country song on the guitar as Karen walks up in a robe. Karen pours more booze as she says Wes should have been a singer. Wes says he should have been a something. Karen asks him to sing something else*

Warlock: Play Freebird.

 

*Karen asks why Wes came over. Karen starts putting the moves on Wes and Wes says she was just a kid the last time he saw her. Karen strips to her lingerie and says she’s definitely not a kid anymore. Wes picks up her robe and hands it to her. Wes “I think you dropped something.”

Warlock: Never turn down a good thing!

 

*Karen kisses Wes and he covers her up. He says Keith wouldn’t like this. Karen says he doesn’t know half the truth about Keith. Karen doesn’t want to talk about it, she wants to go at it. Wes doesn’t want to push it right now, she covers up and runs away*

Warlock: The hell is the matter with you?

 

*Karen goes to bed. Wes knocks on her door and says it was good to see her and goodnight. She apologizes and Wes enters the room. He sits on the bed with her*

Warlock: We’re 20 minutes into it and we haven’t seen one fight yet.

 

*Karen says she loved Joe and Wes says they have something in common. He says its good to see her but asks what Keith was up to. Karen says Keith had changed. Karen was seeing some guy and Keith didn’t like him, so he disappeared*

Warlock: So Keith is her brother, not her lover?

 

*Karen is sad Ramsey is going to deport Wes the next morning. Wes says that’s not going to happen. Karen says she thought about him for a long time. Wes says he’ll cook her breakfast in the morning. Meanwhile Jurgen has Keith’s grave opened and no one is in there*

Warlock: Well….that certainly changes things, doesn’t it?

 

*Assassins kill Keith’s guards and a whole gaggle of Jurgen’s men storm’s Keith’s palace. They wipe out all the guards*

Warlock: The death sounds are so badly overdubbed its making the movie worse.

 

*The badly overdubbed dialogue gets worse*

Warlock: This is getting worse by the minute.

 

*Jurgen’s men wire the palace with C4, take Karen hostage and kill the rest of the guards. Wes narrowly avoids getting shot*

Warlock: I love how they can’t miss guards 90 feet away but can’t hit Wes standing right in front of them.

 

*Wes jumpkicks one goon then beats up another one, using him as a human shield. He throws another goon out the window. A goon and a guard kill each other as Jurgen’s number one guy throws Karen in a car and drive off. Wes swan dives on top of a car as Keith’s palace blows to smithereens*

Warlock: Well if he faked his own death, he’s not gonna be happy when he gets home.

 

*The car swerves trying to get Wes to fall off but he hangs on*

Warlock: Now would be a great time for the police to show up.

 

*A police cruiser follows the car and calls for backup*

Warlock: Well like I said.

 

*The car plows into a tollbooth and then into an outdoor cafe*

Warlock: The owner is going to be PISSED.

 

*The swerving car causes a 2 car pileup but Wes hangs on. He pulls the driver out of the window and the guy is killed by an oncoming truck*

Warlock: Oooooh that’s gonna hurt.

 

*Wes swerves to avoid school girls and he flips the car. The police show up and arrests Wes despite his claim that Karen was kidnapped. Ramsey says wherever he goes, trouble follows. Wes says he feels like a piece of raw meat. Wes says Karen was kidnapped and Ramsey says he has no proof. Ramsey says he’s to return to Texas and Wes says he’s not going anywhere without Karen. Wes says Jurgen is involved and Ramsey says Keith’s body is gone. Ramsey says Karen is behind it all including Keith’s death and her kidnapping. Wes says he doesn’t think so*

Warlock: That would be a hell of a heel turn.

 

*Ramsey tells Wes that Keith was Jurgen’s partner and were powerful drug lords until Keith upstaged Jurgen and took his own power. They became rivals and Karen is involved. Wes says he doesn’t think Karen is involved. Ramsey says with Keith dead and Karen gone, he’s got nowhere to stay until his flight home so he’s putting him up in a hotel*

Warlock: Wow, what service.

 

*Jurgen loads a gun at a firing range and taunts Karen who’s the prime target. Jurgen asks where Keith is and Karen shouts that he’s dead. Jurgen says they dug up the grave and it was empty. She screams she has no idea and Jurgen doesn’t believe her. We cut to Wes stomping around the hotel with two guards outside*

Warlock: Why do I have a feeling Ramsey is involved?

 

*Wes escapes out the window and nearly falls off the roof. A guard outside notices Wes trying to escape and radios the two guards upstairs. They run out the window and spot Wes hanging*

Warlock: Love how the window cleaners don’t see him hanging there.

 

*Wes makes it to the wooden ladders and climbs down with 3 guys chasing him above and below*

Warlock: These guards are inept as hell.

 

*Wes kicks one guard through a table below*

Warlock: He’s not dead, just is going to hurt like hell tomorrow.

 

*Wes uses a pulley to get to ground level but a guard pulls on him. Wes lets go off the pulley and it drops a bucket which slingshots dirt on the guy. Wes jumps into a cab and tells the driver (Rony Sax) he needs a pistol, he hands him a wad of cash and the driver says sure*

Warlock: Rather than shout for police, he goes with it…sure.

 

*Jurgen has his top man help torture Karen using electro shocks. Meanwhile Wes sneaks into Jurgen’s estate*

Warlock: How the hell did he know where Jurgen lived? Wow, this movie blows.

 

*Jurgen tortures Karen and she continues to deny that she knows anything. Wes sneaks around with a .22 6 shooter*

Warlock: What the hell does he expect to do with that pea shooter?

 

*Wes knocks out two guards without firing a shot as two choppers fly overhead*

Warlock: Wish Mr. America could tell me what those are.

 

*3 masked man prepare to storm the estate. Jurgen looks out the window and the masked men open fire on the estate*

Warlock: I assume Keith’s men.

 

*The masked ninjas propel through the window and wipe out all the guards*

Warlock: So the same crew that stormed Keith’s palace with relative ease now can’t shoot for shit.

 

*One of Jurgen’s top guys is shot by the ninjas. Jurgen sends his top man to fight and he ends up killing one of the ninjas before being shot. Jurgen grabs an AK as the ninjas cut Karen loose. Jurgen opens fire and kills a ninja as Wes drops from the balcony and lands on one of the ninjas. He grabs the gun from the guy and aims it at him. The ninja unmasks to be…Keith*

Warlock: Now comes the part where you explain what this is all about.

 

*Keith has Karen and Wes loaded into the chopper as Jurgen watches with a bazooka. He fires and blows away the wrong chopper. Keith shoots Jurgen dead from the other chopper*

Warlock: Okay, we got 45 minutes left and the primary villain is gone. Is Keith going to take over as top heel now?

 

*Wes calls Keith a sonovabitch. Karen smacks him for almost getting her killed and Keith screams “Listen bitch, I just saved your ass” and he slaps her. Wes grabs his arm and tells him to relax. Wes holds Karen close as Keith has them taken to a remote island. Keith says welcome to Fort Knox. This is one of his hideouts, heavily guarded*

Warlock: Hope this security detail is better than the last one.

 

*Wes asks what this is all about. Keith says all in good time, he says he’s glad Wes is there. Wes gets cleaned up as Keith says he can all powerful there. Keith wants to share his dream with Wes. Keith explains Tanaka (himself) is his best warrior and his guards get their ass kicked by him in training. Keith says to make a good showing to convince Wes to join the team. Tanaka beats the shit out of the guards*

Warlock: Ah the cliche “one guy attacks at a time”, works so well for Chuck Norris movies, makes everyone else look like an idiot.

 

*Keith says he won’t make Wes fight Tanaka as Tanaka beats up the rest of the guards. Wes wants to know what’s going on. Keith says he’s got an import/export business and he wants Wes to run shipments for him. Keith says its electronics and Wes says Ramsey told him it was heroin. Keith says Ramsey knows nothing*

Warlock: Ramsey is right.

 

*Wes thanks Keith for getting him out of a jam but he wants nothing to do with this. Keith says the island is just a small part of his earnings. He wants Wes to help and he’s a marine for life*

Warlock: Semper fi.

 

*Wes says when his dad died he started thinking a lot. He says he has to start over and Keith says a new beginning. Wes says he’s not running heroin for him. Keith says he knows all about his prison sentence and his father’s farm. Keith says he’s not selling him the farm back and Wes gets up and leaves. Keith says he owns everything and everyone including Karen. If he wants Karen, he has to play pointman for him. Keith says he can leave but Karen is staying. Wes says that’s up to her to decide. Keith says not to make an enemy out of him and Wes says or what, end up like a lump of coal in his next car wreck*

Warlock: Wouldn’t be much of a movie if he joined him, would it?

 

*Keith “Whatever it takes, Wes.” Wes “I’ll remember that.”

Warlock: I can write better dialogue than this.

 

*Wes has flashback of his brother being shot and he wakes up sweating. Wes wakes up Karen and he wants to say goodbye, he’s leaving. Karen doesn’t want him to leave. She needs him. Wes says its between her and Keith, he doesn’t want any part of this. She calls him a no-good liar and Wes says he’s got his own problems at home. She tells him to go and Wes says goodbye*

Warlock: He can’t make anybody happy. Everyone in the entire movie with the exception of that taxi driver wants him dead or to go away. I’m surprised the Priest didn’t try to throw holy water at him at the funeral.

 

*Karen shouts that this is typical of Wes and Joe would have stayed to help her. Wes says that was below the belt and he leaves*

Warlock: What a wuss.

 

*Wes walks back in and kisses Karen deep*

Warlock: That’s more like it.

 

*Pointless sex scene*

Warlock: Of course, the obligatory sex scene. We still have another 30 minutes to boot.

 

*Wes and Karen saunter down for breakfast. Keith shows up and tells Wes to pour him a cup. Keith says he knows Wes doesn’t want to get his hands dirty. Karen says they’re going home and Keith tells her to shut up. He says if Wes will help his latest shipment, he’ll cancel the morgatge on the farm. Wes doesn’t want anything to do with drugs. Keith shows him a briefcase of money and says you sure you want to pass this up. Wes is sure. Keith says he has a going away present and shoots him in the leg before pistol whipping Karen. Keith tells Tanaka to get him out of there and tells his men to lock Karen in her room*

Warlock: Knew that was coming.

 

*Wes is dumped into the middle of the street where he’s taken in by random locals. Wes wakes up with the father welcoming him downtown. The father is Salin (Piet Burnama) and the son is Walid (Diaz Tangkilisan). Wes gives the kid the thumbs up as Salin says they must get ready. He’s going to fix the leg without anasthetic*

Warlock: Owwwwwwwww

 

*Keith walks in on Karen and calls her a disappointment. Karen pulls a knife and threatens Keith with it and Keith says Wes is already dead. She cries as he leaves*

Warlock” Thought he was going to go incest for a minute, glad it didn’t go that way.

 

*Wes looks at a statue and Salin says its a dispenser of justice*

Warlock: This is getting progressively worse.

 

*Salin says Wes is a marine and needs to act like one*

Warlock: How would he know that? Ees hasn’t told him anything about himself yet.

 

*Keith tells Karen Wes is good for nothing and he deserved more than he got. Karen tries to plead her case that she wants to be with Wes and Keith says who is he to stand in the way of true love. He says he’ll make the arrangements*

Warlock: This can’t be good.

 

*Keith tells Tanaka to find Wes and bring him back. Meanwhile Wes is already storming Keith’s palace*

Warlock: In broad daylight.

 

*Wes disarms a guard and throws a knife 80 feet away, hitting a guy on the guard tower*

Warlock: That was so cheesy.

 

*Wes finds a box of grenades, mines and other explosives*

Warlock: The movie’s score contains rapid gunfire that’s interfering with the actual sounds. This is ridiculous.

 

*Wes loads up an M16 and wipes out another guard. Wes gets the drop on another one and takes him out with a jumping axehandle smash. Fianlly Wes starts blasting guards which wakes up both Keith and Karen. Wes runs to Karen’s room and she thought he was dead. Wes says not yet. He’s there to get her out of there. Keith and Karen escape out the window as Keith runs in with a handgun*

Warlock: 18 minutes left, this can’t be the end.

 

*Wes blasts more guards trying to escape*

Warlock: That last guy clearly was hit with a paintball, that was awful.

 

*Wes carries Karen to a boat and has the palace rigged to blow. Keith picks up a bazooka and fires it, missing the boat completely. Wes takes off on his own boat after Wes and Karen. They shoot it out during the chase*

Warlock: Yay, a boat chase scene.

 

*Keith’s boat crashes into rocks and explodes, Wes holds Karen close. Next frame is at a hotel where Karen thanks Wes*

Warlock: For killing her brother, that’s some thanks.

 

*Walid runs up and says Salin is in trouble. Keith has taken over the orphanage*

Warlock: How did he know Wes was with Salin? This is definitely no coincidence.

 

*Wes shows up to the crime scene and Ramsey is there waiting. Keith has 20 kids hostage and he wants Wes. Wes shouts in the megaphone that he’s there. If he lets the kids go, he can have him. The 20 kids immediately run out*

Warlock: Now the smart thing would be for a SWAT team to run in and get him.

 

*Keith’s goons go to intercept Wes and he knocks them both out. Keith has Salin at gunpoint and Wes tells him to let the old man go. Keith shoots at Wes and tells him to come and get him. Wes chases Keith to the roof where he threatens to toss Salin off. Wes tosses Keith the gun and Keith says bad move, now they’re both gonna die. Salin elbows Keith in the ribs and Wes tackles him off the roof…onto another roof below*

Warlock: Sacked for a loss.

 

*Keith spirals over one side of the roof, Wes the other. Wes falls through the roof and into a boiler room. Keith turns on the boiler and pretends to be hurt. He then attacks him before running away*

Warlock: When is this gonna fucking endddddd???

 

*Keith plays cat and mouse with Wes.  Keith throws a knife but Wes catches it in midair*

Warlock: One last kick in the nuts to anyone watching this expecting logic.

 

*Finally Wes and Keith go one on one. Wes beats the crap out of Keith until he cheats and starts beating Wes down. Keith taunts Wes that HE killed Joe all along. Keith says it was easier for Wes to take the blame. Keith goes to blow the place and Wes wants to go one more time. Wes annihilates Keith and Keith gets trapped. Keith says to rescue him and Wes runs out just as the place blows. Karen asks what happened and he doesn’t answer. The school kids all celebrate around Wes*

Warlock: A hero’s welcome…..

 

*End credits*

Warlock: Thank fucking god its over.

 

The Warlock”s Assessment: That was one of the worst “fighting” movies I’ve ever seen. It had poor acting, horrible dialogue, TERRIBLE looped in dialogue, absolutely no logic at all. It was a complete piece of crap. I give it a 3 out of 10 and anybody out there should avoid it at all costs.

Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – Abysmal

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: I was dreading that IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE would go south and unfortunately it did. Blood Warriors was a total turd and I feel dumber for having watching it. David Bradley wasn’t HALF this awful in American Ninja 3 so there’s no excuse for a performance this bad. That about wraps up another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.