176. Rise of the Gargoyles (2009)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Ooga Booga on the front and OOGA BOOGA written on the back, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. he’s holding a diamond studded goblet of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and walks into the lair*

Warlock: Tonight we complete half of the 6 Pack Horror Collection Mr. Wallstreet sent us. After the first two duds, something HAS to be good right?

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: You’re asking for way too much.

Warlock: Possibly. Tonight’s tale is RISE OF THE GARGOYLES.

America: Please tell me you’re talking about the cartoon.

Warlock: No I’m not talking about the cartoon. I’m talking about the 2009 Sci-Fi special.

*America double facepalms*

America: Oh dear lord, more torture.

Warlock: Have some pride man! Remember our motto, “We watch the the moviess”

America: ….”So they don’t have to”

Warlock: That’s more like it!

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s kick off Rise of The Gargoyles.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Mankind’s worst fear is about to be unleashed”

America: This is going to be petrifying.

 

*graphic reads Paris, France*

Warlock: Great, ready to go to Paris?

America: Sure.

 

*Two construction workers (Constantin Barbulescu and Gabriel Spahiu) are digging in a tunnel*

Warlock: Hi ho, hi ho, you’re such an ugly moe

America: Let me guess, this is how we unleash the gargoyles.

Warlock: Nothing gets by you.

 

*Two guys find a gargoyle hidden in a secret room they uncover*

Warlock: There’s the star of the movie.

 

*Two guys find artifacts not touched for hunreds of years and start looting*

America: Don’t take the stuff.

 

*Two guys find a cross then an abandoned shaft. They enter the shaft*

America: Of course

 

*Something cuts the first worker in half in the shaft. The second runs. A CGI gargoyle chases him and pulls him inside. Opening credits*

Warlock: Great, more CGI monsters.

 

*Professor Jack Randall (Eric Balfour) gives an oral history of gargoyles. The class is bored. His friend Carol Beckham (Tanya Clarke) gives him a B- on his own paper. Two kids makeout on a street. His published work was rejected*

America: The makeout kid’s head isn’t even moving.

 

*Jack says he lost the custody battle for his kids to his ex-wife. He gets one phone call a month*

Warlock: Wow, he got screwed.

 

*Carol invites Jack to check out an old church that’s being torn down*

Warlock: Oh boy, the same church from before.

 

*Carol breaks in and asks Jack to come check it out since it’ll be dust in a week*

Warlock: At least they’re progressing.

 

*Carol says two workers were found dead but not to worry about it. Jack says “Wait, what?”

America: Hahaha that’s a pretty sensible reaction.

Warlock: Yeah, we have one highlight.

 

*Carol has a flashlight and a camera, Jack brings a flashlight. Jack and Carol find engravings that were sculpted longer than France itself was around*

Warlock: At least that sounds cool.

 

*Jack finds the hidden chamber from earlier*

America: I love how there’s no natural light yet the place is well lit.

 

*Jack turns around and dramatic music plays as he walks into a stone gargoyle*

America: That was supposed to be a jump scare? That’s sucked.

 

*Jack finds pagan markings in the wall*

Warlock: Paganism was supposed to be supplanted by Christianity in the early 4th century. So this shit is a thousand years old at least.

America: Nice job,historian…peh.

 

*Carol picks up the shit the workers tried to loot earlier*

Warlock: Well if they kill them, there’s no movie.

America: Soo…they’re not gonna kill them! That’s why any attempt to scare the audience is stupid as hell.

 

*Jack records a gargoyle attacking him, he runs and screams for Carol. He runs into her and they run out*

Warlock: See? No movie if they died.

 

*Jack tries to explain himself to her and she doesn’t believe him*

Warlock: This acting sucks.

America: His or hers?

Warlock: Doesn’t matter.

 

*The church growls and the two drive away*

Warlock: The church growled?

 

*At a diner, Jack wonders why there were gargoyles inside the church instead of outside. He says this is pre-Christianity*

Warlock: What did I just get through saying?

 

*Jack investigates his car. Its completely destroyed. A body drops on the hood*

Warlock: Why is there a body randomly dropping?

America:More like a mannequin.

 

*Inspector Gilbert (Ifan Huw Dafydd) in a 30’s fedora and trench coat says its peculiar something like this happened. The reporter Nicole Ricard (Caroline Neron) tries to get a scoop but both Gilbert and Jack blow her off*

Warlock: She’s so hot.

 

*Carol hides the artifacts she looted in her kitchen cabinet. The power immediately goes out*

Warlock: This is a great movie to show kids. “Look kids, don’t steal!”

 

*Carol lights some candles*

America: Holy shit! Common sense! How many movies have we seen where the lights go out and the idiots just wander around aimlessly in the dark screaming “Hello? Hello?”

 

*Carol hears a noise and screams “Hello?”

America: Ugh, nevermind. If you know there’s an uninvited guest, why scream “hello?” and alert them to your presence.

Warlock: Ring the….

America: Cowbell…..cowbell logic at its worst.

 

*A mouse walks by and scares Carol*

Warlock: Mickey!

 

*She ignores it to see her window wide open*

Warlock: She has a rodent infestation and she’s not gonna do anything?

America: She has bigger problems to worry about.

 

*A gargoyle attacks and she climbs out a window, we get an up-robe ass shot*

Warlock: Ok that was cool.

 

*She screams for help as a gargoyle flies by and decapitates her. The head rolls down the roof*

Warlock: OHHH YEAH! That was cool.

 

*Jack calls Carol and gets no answer. He wanders the street the next day*

Warlock: Hi diddly dee, an actor’s life for me.

America: That has no relevance at all.

 

*Jack walks upstairs to her apartment complex*

America: She also could have ducked if she wasn’t so panic stricken.

 

*Jack spots all the blood in the room and steps in it*

America: Congratulations, you just made yourself a suspect.

 

*Inspector Gilbert says Jack will be returned to the US once the investigation is over. Gilbert asks about their background. Gilbert interrogates him. Jack asks why he’s a suspect. Gilbert says on the two occasions he’s seen Jack, a dead body has been found*

Warlock: Yup, he’s right there.

 

*Gilbert says bodies related to the church are popping up everywhere and gargoyles are Jack’s specialty. He tells Jack that he can go*

Warlock: Now he’s a suspect.

 

*Some girl (Alexandra Buza) spots a gargoyle in an alley and it kills her, spraying fake looking blood on the wall*

Warlock: That looked totally fake.

America: Yeah.

 

*Jack goes over his gargoyle research.and spot something wrong*

Warlock: What did he see? The camera was too dark.

 

*Father Gable (Nick Mancuso) is thrown out of the church demolition site. Gable says the place has great historical significance*

Warlock: Hopefully they explain something.

 

*Jack says the gargoyle on the roof is gone and Gable blows him off*

Warlock: Wow, what an asshole.

 

*Gilbert finds the remains of the dog and girl scattered in the alley. His assistant (Paul Niculita) says he found the head. Gilbert “This is not possible”

Americ: Oh yes it is.

 

*Jack watches Nicole on the news saying a UFO sighting is possible. Next day at the station, Nicole is pissed at Walsh (Justin Salinger). Jack calls Nicole and says he’s on his way to talk about the recent events*

Warlock: Why doesn’t the gargoyle attack him again?

 

*Jack walks by Gilbert who is tailing him. Meanwhile Gable has killed a woman and points a sniper rifle at a construction worker*

Warlock: What the hell????

 

*Gilbert interrogates Jack about the murder and tries to get him to confess by saying Carol ruined his career. Jack says what Gilbert is looking for is an animal, not him or a man and leaves*

Warlock: Can’t blame Gilbert.

 

*Jack confronts Nicole at her desk with Walsh behind her. He tries to tell them the gargoyle is killing people and they don’t believe him. Jack hands him the camera and asks Walsh to look at it. If there’s nothing on it then he’ll go, but if there is something, call him. Walsh is skeptical but Nicole says if there IS something then they may have something*

Warlock: Cops are gonna be crawling all over.

 

*Nicole sneaks into Carol’s apartment with 2 different cops looking the other way*

Warlock: That was the worst perimeter I’ve ever seen.

America: Wowwwww.

 

*Nicole snoops around looking for clues. She snaps pics of the crime scene*

Warlock: I love how there was no crime scene tape anywhere.

 

*Jack goes back to the church as Nicole continues to snap pics. She finds the artifacts Carol hidden. One of them is glowing*

Warlock: That’s interesting.

America: Are they trying to say this is the offspring of this thing so that’s why its pissed?

Warlock: That would make sense.

 

*Nicole puts the glowing rock in her bag. Back at her office she looks over Jack’s book he wrote on gargoyles. Meanwhile Walsh shouts for Nicole, he found the gargoyle. Jack was right all along*

Warlock:Wow, they believed him.

 

*Back at the church, Father Gable walks inside with a gun. Jack follows him*

Warlock: I don’t think shooting it is going to help.

America: If anything you’re just gonna piss it off.

 

*Walsh texts Jack to meet them at the station. Nicole leaves to go pick him up and leaves Walsh behind. Not long after the gargoyle appears*

Warlock: Saw that coming.

 

*Jack calls Walsh and says he’s already there. He walks in but Nicole misses him and keeps walking to her car. Jack meets Walsh and talk about it as Nicole spots it*

Warlock: Shit just hit the fan.

 

*Walsh calls Nicole and says Jack is there. The gargoyle attacks and she ducks*

Warlock and America: SHE DUCKED!!!!

Warlock: Wow.

America: Told you!

 

*Walsh and Jack hear her distress on the phone and run downstairs. Meanwhile Nicole hides in her car until the gargoyle attacks. She dives under a jeep, grabs the glowing rock and throws it away. Walsh hands Jack a gun and he takes potshots at it. The gargoyle hisses, picks up the rock and flies away*

Warlock: Good call.

 

*Nicole says it had to have been an egg. Jack goes to Gilbert and he doesn’t believe their gargoyle story*

Warlock: The Ice Cream Man Police would believe him.

 

*Gilbert says he thought Jack did it, but instead it was “ze boogyman”

America: The boogeyman is well traveled, apparently its been to France.

 

*Gilbert says they’re wasting his time and Jack says “YOU came to ME for help.” He knocks over a chair and leaves*

Warlock: Yeah show that chair who’s boss.

 

*Walsh outside reveals his computer was wiped out and he lost the footage Jack shot. Nicole asks what do they do now? Jack says he knows where she got it. Meanwhile a hot secretary (Florin Busuioc) hands Gilbert another gargoyle egg*

America: And there’s egg number two.

 

*Back at the church, Walsh, Nicole and Jack enter*

Warlock: Oh yeah, I forgot Gable is still there.

 

*Gable pulls his rifle on Jack and crew. Jack says he’s not with the construction crew, he wants to talk about the gargoyle. Gable “Then you knowwww”

Warlock: Great acting…not.

 

*Gable says he found a dead body to use as bait. Walsh calls him “one seriously messed up individual”

Warlock: Ha!

America: That’s the wrong kind of bait.

 

*Gable says when his old pastor died, he could see the fear in his eyes. The pastor’s dying words was “wait for the beast.” In Sumerian times, a gargoyle was a half god/half devil. Its been sleeping for a thousand years. The construction workers woke it up*

Warlock: Nice going assholes.

 

*Gable says its a gargoyle from hell. He failed to stop it. Jack says they have to stop it somehow. Flashlights and bullets won’t work*

America: He’s right.

 

*Gilbert finds yet another blood trail. The blood is going upwards. Gilbert starts to figure out that Jack may be right about gargoyles. Gilbert climbs to the roof and spots a gargoyle. He then finds the headless body over his head. Gilbert pulls out the glowing egg and the gargoyle kills him off-screen*

America: I wouldn’t worry about being the prime suspect anymore,the inspector is dead.

 

*Walsh brought a strobe light to block its urban camoflouge. Nicole asks how do they kill it. Gable says his rifle fires armored piercing rounds, it’ll go right through stone. The dart gun will establish a GPS system if they can tag him. Nicole says how can they find it? Gable pulls out an egg of his own*

Warlock: How many eggs are there?

 

*Nicole grabs the egg and volunteers to be the bait. She places the glowing egg on the ground and the gargoyle flies by. Nicole ducks as Walsh shoots the dart gun, Gable shoots the rifle. The gargoyle flies off with the egg but not after Gable shoots the egg. Walsh tagged the gargoyle and they got a signal*

America: Yeah, not to mention someone must have heard the shots and have called the cops by now.

 

*Back at the church, Gable says they must find the nest and destroy it*

Warlock: They have 25 minutes to do it.

 

*Nicole asks Jack if her story can have a happy ending*

Warlock: Oh please.

 

*Jack and Walsh enter the church and Jack says its not there. Walsh says maybe the GPS popped out. Walsh hears growling. Jack “Its underneath us, its in the crypt”

Warlock: Is the cryptkeeper down there too?

America: Oy.

 

*Nicole spots Gable strapping himself with dynamite. Nicole says he’s gonna blow them all up and she runs inside to warn Walsh*

Warlock: Suicide bombing is Allah, not God. Idiot….

America: I don’t think he intends to die, I think he’s prepared to. Think about it, if he planned to do it, he would have detonated as soon as he walked inside. He’s probably got a hair trigger somewhere.

Warlock: Or maybe he just has a rubber duck he can throw.

America: What….the hell? Ughhhh

 

*Jack tells Walsh to stick close by*

America: What? You mean DON’T split up?

Warlock: Wow, this movie has some logic.

 

*Gable follows Jack and Walsh*

America: These characters actually have logic, I’m impressed.

 

*Walsh figures out they’re lost. Jack says to stay close and watch the strobe light.Meanwhile Nicole runs into Jack. Jack is mad she didn’t stay. Nicole warns him that Gable intends to kamikaze the nest*

Warlock: Very interesting choice of words

 

*Nicole and Jack stop as the gargoyle sniffs around. Walsh and Gable press on. Nicole and Jack run to catch up with them. Walsh and Gable enter the crypt. Walsh freezes and Gable backs up. Nicole and Jack walk up to it. Gable shoots the gargoyle and it turns to go after him. Walsh, Nicole and Jack make it upstairs and through a shaft. Jack falls into a pit of human remains*

Warlock: They’ve found the nest.

 

*Jack and Nicole drop down, Jack tells Walsh to go back  and find Gable*

America: He’s got the strobe so he should be good.

 

*Walsh says Gable is gone, he tosses Jack the strobe and he jumps into the pit. Nicole steps on an intestine and freaks. The eggs begin to glow all around the room. Jack smiles and says they found them. Jack, Walsh and Nicole use the strobe and a huge brick to smash all the eggs*

America: I hope they have a fresh battery in that strobe.

 

*The gargoyle is on its way as Walsh and Nicole barricades the door as Jack continues to smash the eggs. Jack, Walsh and Nicole make a run for the shaft. Walsh “She’s really pissed off now!” The gargoyle smashes through the barricade*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Walsh “What do we do now?”

America: Keep moving.

 

*Jack says to wait for daylight and run for it. Walsh says that’s an hour away, they can’t hold out that long. A stoned hand punches through the wall as they hear gunshots. Jack says they need to go help Gable. Walsh and Nicole want to leave. Jack rallies them by saying if this thing lives, people will die. Walsh “What the hell, we’ve come this far. Let’s do it.”

Warlock: Time for the big finale?

 

*Nicole, Walsh and Jack enter a room. Gable pops up and says “You injured it.”  Gable starts shooting randomly. Jack “Are you trying to kill us?” Gable “Only if I have to”. Jack turns on the strobe. Walsh turns on a video camera as Gable turns on the bomb. He shouts he’s the last guardian of the church. The gargoyle picks Gable up and drops him. Jack freezes him with the UV light but the battery dies. Nicole pops a spare in and re-freezes it. Gable pulls out an egg and says “This is the last one.” He tells Jack, Nicole and Walsh to run for it. They all run out and Gable detonates himself along with the gargoyle and the nest*

Warlock: BOOMSHAKALAKA!

 

*Jack says this would have been a great book. Nicole says this would have launched them to CNN. Walsh pulls out a small tape and says they still have this. Nicole hugs him. End credits*

Warlock: No cliche ending, I love it.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 5. Well, if you can look past the poor cgi and some of the predictability it actually was a decent movie

The Warlock’s Assessment: I hate to say it but that was about as good as it gets from low budget made for TV movies with “special effects”. You had characters with common sense, you had an easy to follow storyline. You had hot looking women. I give it a 6 out of 10, I actually liked it.

Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average.

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Wow, we found a hidden gem. This may actually be the only movie out of this six pack that was actually worth watching. It wasn’t great but it wasn’t the shitstains the other two were. If nothing else at least we got one. That about wraps up another averagetastic adventure……wait.

*Warlock pulls his sunglasses off*

America:…..Gargoyle sunglasses

Warlock: Ironic….have a pleasant evening.

175. Angels & Demons (2009)

*

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, leather jacket, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock throws his hand to the sky and lightning strikes before he walks inside*

Warlock: With the theatrical release of Inferno fresh upon us, me and The Grand Wizard decided to take a look at the second movie in the now trilogy. Angels & Demons.

*The Grand Wizard is in his rocking chair. He nods*

Warlock: So let’s get this started.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Its time to check out Angels & Demons.

 

*The Grand Wizard reads the tag-line*

Wizard: “Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon works to solve a murder and prevent a terrorist act against the Vatican”

Warlock: Oh sure, he was in a race against the Vatican last movie and now he’s trying to save them?

 

*Movie opens with shout outs to production companies*

Wizard: Christ, takes you 15 minutes just to get through the credits.

 

*Opening credits along with Camerlengo Patrick McKenna (Ewan McGregor) destroying the pope’s ring as a part of the legitimate pope’s death ritual. His voiceover explains the process*

Warlock: Ohhh yeah, I remember now.

 

*Graphic reads Geneva, Switzerland*

Warlock: We go from the Vatican to Switzerland in one frame.

 

*Philippe (Xavier J Nathan) talks with Vittoria (Ayelet Zurer) in a lab*

Wizard: They’re in a nuclear lab trying to create antimatter, the stuff that powers the Starship Enterprise.

Warlock: Wish this was for real then, get people the hell off this rock.

 

*Computerized effect of protons and neutrons moving around*

Warlock: Nice CGI effect.

 

*Antimatter is successfully managed. Father Silvano (Carmen Argenziano) is shocked. Someone shouts “That’s a crate of beer on the way”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Vittoria walks by someone in a suitcase. She enters the lab where the anti-matter was made. She finds and eyeball and is freaked out*

Warlock and Wizard: Ohhhh yeah.

 

*Vittoria finds the antimatter gone and Father Silvano dead*

Wizard: That guy just stole it.

 

*Graphic reads Harvard University*

Wizard: So this would have to be Tom Hanks.

 

*Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) frolics in a pool until a man with a suitcase under his arm with the symbol of the Vatican. Robert recognizes him. Claudio Vincenzi (David Pasquesi) says he’s with the Vatican Police and he shows Robert an anagram for Illuminati*

Warlock: Oh great, they’re gonna explore this?

 

*Robert says he wrote a book about the Illuminati and he wanted to write another but doesn’t have access to the Vatican City archives. Claudio reveals four cardinals were kidnapped and they were handed a random note that they will be executed publically. They have no suspects. Robert wants to know what that has to do with him. Captain Olivetti (Pierfrancesco Favino) wants him to crack the case. Robert says the Vatican shouldn’t be happy with him, Claudio says they’re not but they respect his abilities*

Warlock: Good point.

 

*Panoramic view of Rome*

Wizard: We were there.

Warlock: Yup.

 

*Robert says the Illuminati weren’t violent until the 17th century because the word means “Enlightened Ones”. They were scientists, mathematicians, etc until the Vatican viewed them as threats because the Enlightened Ones wanted to move forward and the church didn’t. They were hunted down and killed until they became a secret society underground*

Warlock: At least that part is true.

 

*Ernesto Olivetti introduces himself to Robert. He says they will be working with the Swiss Guard*

Wizard: The Swiss Guard. Also known as Beef Eaters for wearing girly uniforms.

 

*Robert explains why the Roman statues were castrated. Ernesto “Are you anti-Catholic?” Robert “No, I’m anti-vandalism”

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Ernesto says Robert was his suggestion to bring in. Commander Richter (Stellan Skarsgard) introduces himself and Vittoria is there as well. She explains the situation to Richter. The antimatter canister is missing and Vittoria reveals the antimatter could destroy a whole city. Robert figures out that the plot is the Illuminati will destroy Vatican City and they’re going to use the anti-matter to do it. Robert says the four cardinals were the “preferiti” to be the next pope. The four cardinals being murdered is revenge for “La Purga”. In 1668 the church kidnapped four Illuminati scientists and branded them on the chest with a symbol of the cross to “purge them of their sins”. They were executed and thrown into the street as a warning to not question the church. The modern day Illuminati is going to use anti-matter to destroy Vatican City. “Science obliterates religion”

Wizard: There it is, in a nutshell.

 

*McKenna gives a speech in his office that he’s in charge, putting Richter in his place. He suggests to cut the cities power so they can’t use light during the attack. McKenna asks Vittoria who else knew about the anti-matter and she explains only a select few. He wants to know everyone that’s involved. He brings Robert into a room alone and says he can access the archives….but he wants to know one thing*

Wizard: Do you believe in the devil?

 

*McKenna “Do you believe in God?” Robert dances around the question but the answer is no.”

Warlock: The answer was vague but it pretty much means no.

 

*Vittoria, Ernesto and Robert are on the “Path to Illumination” as a legitimate path to find the canister. Robert is looking for Galieo’s Diary because he was the one who created the coded path. Four statues were created to symbolize Earth, Wind, Fire and Water. They were spread out amongst the churches in Rome, each containing a clue to the whereabouts of the Church of the Illuminati, if you could find it, you were one of them*

Warlock: I should have done this.

 

*McKenna informs Cardinal Strauss (Armin Mueller-Stahl) of the proceedings. McKenna wants the city evacuated but Strauss says not to give in to their demands. Strauss says to keep the faith and McKenna says faith won’t protect people from an explosion. Strauss yells at him that he may be the Pope’s favorite but the pope’s dead and he still serves the Vatican. Strauss says he’s not afraid to die for God*

Wizard: That idea has been around since the beginning of time, people are expendable.

 

*Robert is locked in the Vatican Archives with Vittoria and Chartrand (Thure Lindhardt). Chartrand explains what goes on down there and he’ll be watching him.*

Warlock: Mess with anything and I’ll shoot.

 

*The Assassin (Nikolaj Lie Kaas) gets money transferred into his account*

Warlock: Oh, he’s just a hired gun.

 

*One of the Cardinals says God will forgive him. Assassin says he’ll need forgiveness for what he’s about to do*

Wizard: He’s not one for God.

Warlock: Good line.

 

*Robert wants to know what the 503 code stands for. In Roman numerals, it means  DIII, Galieo’s Third Text. Basically Galieo figured out that the Earth was not the center of the universe as the church had said but they threatened him to recant in his second text. His third text is how he got the word out that he was right all along. He created parchments that would dissolve in water if anyone questioned him. Robert finds on page 5 text written in English and Robert finds it weird because English was frowned upon in the Vatican. Vittoria literally rips it out of Galieo’s text and Robert is stunned. They run off*

Warlock: So she ripped it out of Galieo’s ACTUAL text.

Wizard: Yup.

 

*Vittoria and Robert run to the car with Ernesto driving. He shows Ernesto the page and he freaks out*

Warlock: Hahahhaa.

 

*Ernesto, Vittoria and Robert meetup with Chartrand and Richter outside the Pantheon. Rafael is buried there and the church holds the first clue. Robert and Vittoria enter alone and he gives an oral history of the place*

Warlock: Take away the fictional storyline and you’d actually learn something.

 

*Robert figures out Rafael’s tomb isn’t where he’s buried, its the church he DESIGNED. He asks a tour guide if he built any chapels and the tour guide says yes. The Chigi Chapel was its name. It was the Church of EARTH which is the first element. Richter bows out of this goose chase and says he’s done with Robert*

Warlock: Great, what a coward.

 

*Ernesto, Vittoria and Robert pull up to the Plaza Del Popolo. They race to find the first cardinal as kids light off firecrackers*

Warlock: That’s inconvenient.

 

*Ernesto and some guy run off one way, Robert and Vittoria go another. Robert and Vittoria enter the Chapel by running into Ernesto and his top detective. They find a hole in the ground and Robert goes down. He finds the first cardinal dead and eaten by rats. The word EARTH is branded on his chest*

Wizard: They were too late.

 

*Back at the conclave, the priests vote on the new pope. Strauss says everyone is voting for themselves to prevent a majority. They burn the votes to start again*

Warlock: Ohhh yeah, I remember now. Black smoke means no pope, white means new pope.

 

*Robert says Bernini must have been a spy for the Illuminati. Robert looks at a statue that’s pointing and he says its the first marker. He runs outside and he says southwest you’ll find the next marker. Robert asks Richter for a map of all the churches in Rome. Robert climbs to the top of the church and spots a church in the distance. Robert says the second marker is a statue in St Peter’s Square. Ernesto and Richter are in the front, Robert and Vittoria in the back as they drive to St. Peter’s*

Warlock: Let me guess, too late again?

 

*St Peter’s is complete chaos with people milling about trying to find out who the next pope is. Everyone of every sect of Catholicism and Christianity are there. Robert finds a Bas-relief sculpture cast in the ground and says look for markings in the ground that has to do with air. The statues in the Square are all saints, not an angel. They’re looking for an angel*

Wizard: West wind.

 

*Robert stands on the West Wind carving and says this is it. A bunch of people push and shove each other as the bell rings to signify 9 PM. A brawl breaks out and the black cardinal stumbles around. He’s been gutted by The Assassin who walks away. He has the word AIR branded on his chest*

Wizard: So much for Richter keeping this under wraps.

Warlock: They let two guys die, Robert sucks at saving people.

Wizard: The Assassin is a smart man. The first guy was found underground, signifying earth. The second guy had his lungs punctured signifying the air leaving the body. Still got water and fire…someone’s gonna drown, someone’s gonna burn.

 

*Richter, Ernesto, Robert and Vittoria confront McKenna. They figure out the pope was murdered. McKenna wants to blow the whistle on the whole thing but Cardinal Strauss made a final statement before pope voting to keep this under wraps. Robert needs to return to the archives to find the next clue about fire. Ernesto goes with him but Vittoria stays behind to find The Assassin. Robert is wearing a Priest’s frock and McKenna asks if it surprises him that the clothes fit. Robert “It would surprise the hell out of me.”

Wizard: Great choice of words.

 

*In the Archives, Robert is looking for artwork. Chartrand says the Catholic Church is not a corporation, its a beacon. Robert says “Its also a bank.”

Warlock: Yeah, no shit.

 

*Chartrand says he’s been instructed by Ernesto not to leave his side. Robert “It wasn’t me, it was her.”

Warlock: Heh.

 

*In McKenna’s office, he asks Vittoria what kind of signs were there if the pope was murdered. She said his toungue would be notarized a week after his death*

Warlock: He’d already be buried by then, they wouldn’t even be looking for it.

 

*A Swiss guard stays behind as a security team leads McKenna and Vittoria away*

Wizard: A spy!

 

*Robert and Chartrand go over documents. Robert promises to buy cigarettes for Chartrand if he can find the fire in the documents. Robert figures it out that they need to find the sculpture of St Teresa on fire. Meanwhile the Assassin has the power cut to the Archives. Chartrand freaks because if there’s no power, there’s no oxygen and the electronic locks won’t open*

Warlock: They’re trying to kill Langdon.

 

*McKenna gives his background as an orphan that was taken in by the pope as his stepfather. He became a military pilot that evacuated survivors out of conflict before he was ordained*

Warlock: That explains his loyalty to the pope.

 

*Chartrand tries to bust the door using a battering ram but it fails and he passes out. Langdon tries to tip over the whole archive to break the glass. It doesn’t work. He takes Chartrand’s gun and tries to shoot his way out but the glass is bulletproof. He passes out on top of the tipped over archive and the glass suddenly breaks. He catches his breath as the power comes back on*

Warlock: Great timing.

Wizard: Weakened it just enough.

 

*Back with McKenna and Vittoria, he wants to know if the pope really was murdered. They go to inspect the corpse*

Wizard: They just have to open his mouth. If he has a black tongue, they’ll know he was poisoned.

 

*The security team opens the tomb to reveal the dead pope. His tongue is black*

Wizard: Black tongue, he was poisoned!

 

*Robert says the next church is Santa Marie del Vittoria. In the car ride, Robert asks Ernesto if the Illuminati has infiltrated the Swiss Guard. Ernesto says its possible. Meanwhile the shady security guy stands by as Vittoria figures out someone has stolen the journals. Back in Vatican City, McKenna barges into the pope voting to halt everything*

Warlock: Shit hit the fan.

 

*McKenna cuts a promo to all the cardinals that the Illuminati are for real and they’re attacking. McKenna says they’re really at fault but science and religion can co-exist. He says to defend themselves with simple truth. McKenna begs Strauss to break the conclave and evacuate everyone*

Warlock: What a sales pitch.

 

*Ernesto and Robert pull up to Santa Maria Della Vittoria and find the 3rd cardinal being burned alive. A group of officers go to cut him down but one is shot by The Assassin.  The Assassin then kills Ernesto and the rest of the police force as the cardinal drops into the fire. Naturally the cardinal has the word FIRE branded on him. The Assassin escapes with Robert hiding as the last man standing*

Wizard: Well that wipes out half the players.

Warlock: Guy makes James Bond look like Columbo.

 

*Strauss tells McKenna not to worry. An understudy tells Strauss that he should be the next pope right then and there. Meanwhile back at the Church, they find Robert underground. Meanwhile its revealed Richter has the journals. Vittoria confronts him about them. Richter says they’re not in Rome, they’re in Vatican City, his jurisdiction. She asks what he’s hiding and he laughs. He asks what SHE’S hiding*

Warlock: Nobody trusts anybody.

 

*Assassin patches himself up with the fourth cardinal bound and gagged in the car with him. Assassin says if it were up to him, it wouldn’t be this way. They made him a sinner*

Warlock: Oh great, a wonderful humanitarian.

 

*Robert finds the final clue  at Piazza Navona since all four churches form a cross when drawn on a map. The cops escort Robert to the final church. Meanwhile McKenna tells his subordinates that at 11:15 if shit hits the fan to let the cardinals walk out the front door with dignity and not sneak out the back door*

Warlock; If you call that dignity.

 

*Robert and the two cops show up to the fountain and notice the Assassin pull up in a van. The cops are easily dispatched by The Assassin*

Warlock: These guys suck.

 

*Assassin drops the fourth cardinal into the fountain, Robert dives into the fountain to try to save the cardinal. He finds an air hose in the bottom and puts it in his mouth. Random citizens show up and they all pull the cardinal out alive*

Warlock: Hey, they saved one. Its a miracle.

 

*Cardinal Baggia (Marc Fiorini) reveals he was being held in the Castle of Angel. Robert meets up with Vittoria who reveals Richter is up to something. Richter himself cocks his gun and tells Chartrand to assist Langdon, he’s staying behind. Robert makes his way to Castle of Angels and reveals that the Illuminati met right under the church’s nose for 400 years. If the bomb blows here it’ll take out half of Rome with the Vatican*

Warlock: Will they make it in time?

 

*The cops run off to search the castle as Robert and Vittoria stay behind to follow the pattern. Robert and Vittoria find a passageway behind a wall. They find the cells where the cardinals were kept. They race to find the passageway. The Assassin gets his final payment inside a Volkswagen. Assassin hears Langdon coming and bolts*

Warlock: He’s got his money, he should care less now.

 

*Robert finds a fifth brand and figures out its meant for the pope himself. With the pope dead then its for his top subordinate, McKenna. Assassin reveals himself and holds Vittoria and Langdon hostage. He cuts a promo saying he doesn’t want to kill Langdon unless he has to. He says “Be careful” before he leaves*

Wizard: Don’t trust anyone.

 

*Richter walks into McKenna’s office and bolts it shut. McKenna “Are you here to make me a martyr?”

Wizard: Uh oh.

 

*Assassin escapes the castle and enters the car*

Warlock: Let me guess….BOOM!

 

*The car starts and it explodes*

Wizard: Wow, very good. Good call.

 

*Robert and Vittoria run for the Vatican*

Wizard: What, they’re gonna run all the way to the Vatican?

Warlock: How far away is it?

Wizard: They don’t say.

 

*Vittoria and Robert bang on the door, Chartrand lets them in. Robert, Chartrand and Vittoria run into the office where Richter has McKenna at gunpoint. Chartrand and the Swiss guards shoot Richter as a Cardinal barges in and goes to kill McKenna while screaming “Illuminatis!” Chartrand kills him too. McKenna orders everyone evacuated while Langdon checks on Richter who dies while giving Robert the key*

Warlock: Ahhhh, I get it now.

 

*Robert and Vittoria figure out the bomb is below the Vatican in Necropolis. They all run down and McKenna finds the bomb*

Wizard: So who’s got a battery ready?

Warlock: There’s still a half hour left, this can’t be the end.

 

*McKenna grabs the bomb and takes off. He runs toward a nearby helicopter*

Warlock: Ah yes, the former pilot.

 

*Robert and Vittoria head for the roof as McKenna pilots the chopper with the bomb*

Wizard: This ought to be one hell of an explosion.

 

*McKenna flies as far as he can go to the sky*

Warlock: Sacrificing himself to save everyone.

 

*McKenna parachutes out of the chopper*

Warlock: Oh, nevermind, he did try to make it out safely.

 

*The EMP from the explosion knocks everyone senseless. McKenna bounces off one building after another and lands in the crowd*

Wizard: The impact snapped his neck, he’s dead anyway.

 

*McKenna wakes up amidst a chorus of cheers*

Warlock: Guess not.

 

*Chartrand runs into conclave and tells Strauss McKenna saved everyone. Strauss “Praise God.” Everyone celebrates as people are patched up outside*

Warlock: He’s speaking German.

 

*Vittoria and Robert banter back and forth*

Wizard: There’s more to come.

Warlock: Yeah, there’s 25 minutes left.

 

*People sing outside Vatican City*

Wizard: ITS A MIRACLE!!

 

*Strauss tries to block McKenna’s election to pope. One of the cardinals tells him he gave up his position to elect to run for pope. The other cardinals use the loophole to get McKenna elected*

Warlock: A little different from the book.

 

*The Swiss guard asks McKenna to join the conclave as soon as possible. Meanwhile Vittoria searches Richter’s desk for the Silvano journals. She takes them but Robert notices a computer terminal. Robert then pulls out the key Richter gave him and unlocks the terminal, its a security feed from the Vatican. We flashback to Richter not trying to kill McKenna in the name of the Illuminati, he tried to kill him because McKenna had the pope murdered because he wanted to be the pope himself. Richter figured it out that McKenna used the Illuminati as a front to create the illusion that he needed to be pope. They show the footage of McKenna branding himself to Strauss*

Warlock: Plan foiled.

 

*McKenna walks into the conclave where the Swiss guard is waiting. They open the doors to him. They’re all there waiting for him*

Wizard: They don’t look happy. He was expecting a laurel and hardy handshake.

 

*McKenna sees their faces and tries to walk away but Chartrand follows him. Strauss says “Gently, but within our walls.” McKenna tries to walk away but Chartrand has men stationed everywhere to block his path. McKenna runs for Necropolis and immolates himself with a candle and gasoline*

Warlock: Least he was smart enough to know he had no way out.

 

*Next frame shows white smoke, a new pope is elected. The crowd cheers. Meanwhile news reporters say Father McKenna died of internal injuries from his “heroic” attempt*

Wizard: See how they manipulate the news? Been going on since the beginning of time.

 

*Cardinal Baggia is elected to pope. Strauss is his new underboss. Strauss hands Robert more Vatican scripture and says his only request is that it be returned home when he’s done. He also says when Robert writes about them, do it gently. Vittoria notices Baggia chose the name Luke because he was a doctor. Faith and science rolled into one. Strauss says the world needs both. Strauss “Religion is flawed because man is flawed*

Warlock: Powerful messages.

 

*End credits*

Wizard: That was very good.

 

 

The Grand Wizard has no assessment:

The Warlock’s assessment: 9 out of 10. It was even better than the first movie in some ways because it had a legitimate storyline based on the real life aspects of the Illuminati.

Final Grade: 9 out of 10

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was a great one. It was a history lesson rooted in a fictional storyline so you learn something as well as be entertained. The Da Vinci Code was a possible theory of Jesus Christ being a man but this movie was about a crooked man using the Illuminati as a cover to seize power. Its worth taking a look at, plus you don’t have to watch the first movie to understand the second. That about wraps up another great adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

174. The Da Vinci Code (2006)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a white t-shirt, black leather jacket, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and enters the lair*

Warlock: With the theatrical release of Inferno, The Grand Wizard and I decided to back to the beginning. That’s right, we’re watching the movie adaptation of Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code.

*The Grand Wizard is sitting in his rocking chair and he nods*

Warlock: So let’s get started shall we?

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Let’s start The Da Vinci Code.

 

*Grand Wizard reads the tag-line*

Wizard: “A murder inside the Louvre and clues in Da Vinci paintings lead to the discovery of a religious mystery protected by a secret society for two thousand years — which could shake the foundations of Christianity.”

Warlock: The Illuminati, wonderful.

Wizard: Got some good twists to it though.

 

*Movie opens with graphic and opens

Wizard: Tom Hanks is an art historian, he’s consulted about certain pieces whether they’re fake or not.

 

*Some old guy runs through the Louvre*

Warlock: Always wanted to go there.

 

*Silas (Paul Bettany) pulls a gun on the old guy and he gives up the secret of an old church. Silas thanks him and shoots him*

Warlock: That’s some gratitude for ya.

 

*Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) takes the podium for a presentation of Symbols. He fools the crowd about symbols and says symbolism is interpreted by the individual, not the collective. Later he signs books for adoring fans*

Warlock: Gotta make a living.

 

*Lieutenant Colet (Etienne Chicot) shows Robert a picture of Sauniere the old guy (Jean-Pierre Marielle) who castrated himself after he was shot. Robert is freaked*

Warlock: Wow, that is creepy.

 

*Silas talks to his unknown “Teacher” on the phone and says everyone is dead and he will find the hidden location. He then strips naked and mutilates himself*

Wizard: Every time he kills, he has to punish himself.

 

*Colet drops Langdon off at the Louvre. Captain Fache (Jean Reno) introduces himself to Robert*

Warlock: I heard he’s a Professional.

Wizard: Sirius Black thinks so.

 

*Fache leads Robert to the elevator and Robert would rather take the stairs*

Warlock: He’s afraid of them? Yikes.

 

*Fache shows Robert the body, carved a pentacle into himself*

Warlock: Mind if I eat?

 

*Michael interviews Bishop Manuel Arinagosa (Alfred Molina) but he blows him off to get info from the Teacher as well*

Warlock: He’s into it too.

 

*Robert says there’s a deifference between pentacle and pentagram. This is a symbol of the goddess Venus. Officer Sophie Neveu (Audrey Tautou) barges in and says it was a Fibonacci Sequence written on the ground. Meanwhile Robert gets an anonymous voicemail saying don’t tell anything to Fache and he’s in danger*

Warlock: Uh oh.

 

*Robert freaks out and has to bail to the bathroom. Robert walks in and Neveu is in there. He has a GPS tracking dot in his jacket, they’re watching him. Neveu reveals Fache thinks HE’S the primary suspect. She says he wont stop until he gets a confession. Sophie reveals she lived with Sauniere and she knows Robert didn’t do it. Fache waits for him in the command center as Sophie opens a window*

Wizard: Now they’re gonna be on the run.

 

*Sophie and Robert make a jump and run for it. The French police lose him*

Wizard: Christ, that was half the Parisian force.

 

*Sophie gives a little backstory of her and Sauniere’s relationship. He was her mentor*

Wizard: So now these two are locked the rest of the movie.

 

*Robert discovers a fallacy which the code Sauniere left behind. He translates the anagram to Leonardo Da Vinci: The Mona Lisa*

Warlock: Now they have to go search for clues.

 

*Fache finds the tracking device in a bar of soap*

Warlock: Clever.

 

*Robert and Sophie inspect the Mona Lisa, the next clue is Madonna of The Rocks. He finds the Fleur-De-Lis and splits before the cops get there*

Waizrd: And here they come back.

 

*Sophie says the cross was Sauniere’s. Robert brings up the Priory of Scion. He explains its a mythical society that guards God’s power on Earth. Isaac Newton, Da Vinci and apparently Sauniere himself. Sophie spots the police in front of the US Embassy and hightails it backwards to evade capture*

Wizard: Backwards on the sidewalk in a half-car? Its only a movie.

 

*Silas crosses himself and says “God give me strength”

Wizard: Who’s he gonna kill now?

 

*Silas has a flashback of killing his abusive father and going to jail. Bishop Aringarosa (Alfred Molina) bails him out and he later is attacked by two thieves. Silas kills the thieves and Aringarosa christens him an angel*

Warlock: That’s great backstory.

 

*Silas asks Sister Sandrine (Marie-Francoise Audollent) what’s beneath there. She gives an oral backstory. Silas thanks her creepily and she walks off*

Warlock: Hasn’t killed anyone yet.

 

*Fache and Collet banter back and forth over who killed Sauniere. Fache is covinced Langdon did it*

Warlock: Wouldn’t make any sense at all.

 

*Silas smashes his way through the floor and finds a JOB quote in rock*

Wizard: Sister Sandrine is watching him.

 

*Sophie explains Sauniere was her grandfather and he always planted riddles for her. She says the Priory could be real. He says he hopes not. He gives the story of how a French King conquered Jerusalem on orders from the Priory of Scion to find an ancient artifact. They found it and went directly to Rome. The Vatican dubbed them the Templar Knights. Then on Friday the 13th, 1307 the Vatican had the Templar Knights around Europe killed. Only a few escaped and took the artifact with them. The artifact, God’s power, was the Holy Grail. The pendant Sauniere is more or less his membership ID as a Priory.*

Warlock: Brilliant….they’re after the holy grail.

 

*Sister Sandrine calls the cops on Silas but he kills her with the Job stone*

Wizard: Well that answers that.

 

*Bishop Aringarosa is on his way to a council meeting. Aringarosa asks for 20 million to spread the word of God. They scoff and he goes on a rant saying the Holy Grail will be destroyed and the Priory’s last members will be killed. He was contacted by “The Teacher”*

Warlock: Why is he telling them all that?

 

*Sophie and Robert are at a Swiss bank. Vernet (Jurgen prochow) creepily tells them they’ve had accounts there for 50 years unopened, some longer. Sophie figures out the pendant is a key to a box. The 10 digit Fibonacci code is actually the bank account number. They punch in the code and out pops a temperature controlled box. Inside is the Rose bix that Silas was after. Vernet barges in and says the cops are on their way and he’s on their side. He leads them to an armored car where Robert gets claustrophobic again*

Warlock: Oh yeah.

 

*Vernet masquarades as a truck driver to fool Collet, who almost catches him by spotting a rolex on his wrist. Vernet says its a piece of shit and his for 30 Euro’s*

Warlock: Ha.

 

*Silas mutilates himself again naked as the Prefect (Francesco Carnelutti) says Aringarosa is putting a lot of faith in the Teacher*

Wizard: Time to hurt himself again.

 

*Sophie opens the box and inside is a cryptex. A scroll is inside. If you force it open, a chamber of vinegar dissolves the scroll. It has to be opened by entering the password. Robert is clearly uncomfortable so Sophie tries an old method that her mother used on her….moments before a truck smashed into the car, killing her mother, father and brother*

Warlock: Holy shit.

Wizard: Everyone has their secrets.

 

*The truck stop and Vernet pulls a gun on them, he wants the box. He fires a warning shot but the shell casing falls into the truck. Robert kicks the shell casing into the door so Vernet can’t close it. Robert kicks the door open that cracks him in the head. He steals the keys and drives off with Sophie, Vernet is left behind. Robert asks what she’s doing in all this. Robert says he knows someone who can help*

Warlock: A likely story.

 

*Fache catches Vernet at the hospital. Fache says the truck he was in has a homing device and asks to activate it. Meanwhile Robert is at the mansion of Sir Leigh Teabing (Ian McKellen) who asks him random questions to test his loyalty*

Warlock: Magneto’s been keeping busy.

 

*Fache is on his way to Teabing’s mansion, Fache calls up Aringarosa*

Wizard: He’s working for Aringarosa too.

Warlock: Everybody is in on this.

 

*Robert introduces Sophie to Teabing. He appears friendly and jovial. Robert wants to know about the Priory of Scion. He says the Holy Grail isn’t God’s power, but the Church’s power. Teabing says the Grail is not a mere cup. Constantine was a lifelong pagan who was baptized on his deathbed. Centuries after Christianity was formed, followers of Christ waged war on the Pagans in a Holy War. Constantine wanted to unite Rome under one religion, Christianity, in 325 AD. He formed the Council of Nicaea to distribute Christian rituals, rights, etc*

Warlock: Holy wars, gotta love them.

 

*Robert and Leigh go back and forth before Sophie gets in the middle of it. Leigh tells Sophie to close her eyes and analyze the Holy Grail painting. Jesus was supposedly drinking wine from the Holy Grail yet there are no cups in the painting.  So what is the Holy Grail? Leigh says the Holy Grail is not a cup, but a woman. Mary Magdalene, Jesus’ wife. Her name was smeared in 591 as Robert scoffs and calls this an old wives tale*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

 

*Leigh says Da Vinci painted Mary as the one he loved the most and it was HER, not Peter that was to continue his following. The Catholic church was trying to cover up that Jesus Christ was a powerful prophet but just a man, not the son of God. Supposedly Mary was pregnant with Jesus’ unborn child. Hence why the Catholic Church freaked out and insisted Jesus was the son of God all these years. More story reveals that the inquisition to kill women for 300 years was the Church trying to find the descendants of Jesus and Mary, kill them and protect the image. The Priory of the Scion is protecting the living descendants of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalen*

Wizard: You get all that?

 

*Leigh is called away to watch the news where Robert and Sophie are wanted for murder. Leigh shouts at them to leave but Robert figures it all out. Sauniere was her grandfather and at the top of the list to be the next Grand Master. Leigh doesn’t believe him until he pulls out the Keystone as Silas sneaks up on the trio*

Warlock: Its about to go down.

 

*Collet and the cops arrive outside the mansion. Meanwhile Leigh analyzes the keystone. Inside is a map that will lead to the Holy Grail. Leigh asks if he passed down the Fleur De Lis. Suddenly Silas attacks Roberts*

Warlock: Yeesh.

 

*Silas pulls a gun on Sophie and demands the Keystone. He points it at Leigh and Leigh hands it over, then goes apeshit on him with a crutch. Then Sophie joins in to smash his head in. She steals the gun, picks up Robert and Leigh has his assistant ties up Silas. Leigh figures out Silas is Opus Dei (God’s work). Robert realizes Fache is Opus Dei as well. Leigh leads Robert and Sophie to a truck to evade the police. They drive off*

Warlock: Oh boy, a chase scene.

Wizard: In the pitch black.

 

*Silas is tied up in the back. Leigh says the Opus Dei is trying to conceal the real bloodline of Jesus by killing the Priory and anybody who stands in the way. The Vatican would face a backlash the world has never seen if its found out about the real bloodline. Meanwhile Collet confronts Fache about the goose chase. Remy Jean (Jean-Ives Berteloot) is the driver of the truck. They make it to the plane. On the plane, Sophie slaps around Silas and asks if he killed her grandfather. He never says yes or no, only that she’s a living sin and the shadow will be kept there. She responds by saying his God burns murderers*

Warlock: Burn, bitch burn….wooooooooo

 

*The prefect and Aringarosa go over the battle plan. They are to find the Holy Grail, destroy it and burn it so DNA could never be tested. Fache browbeats an air traffic control guy to give up the location of where Leigh’s plane is going. Meanwhile Leigh says Mary Magdalene is buried in a sarcophagus*

Warlock: That’s what Aringarosa is after.

 

*Robert pops off the Rose on the keystone and behind it is a code. The Templar Knights were buried in Temple Church in London. They’re on their way now. Meanwhile Collet confronts Fache about what this is really about. Fache says he’s Opus Dei and Collet says he knows. Fache reveals Aringarosa said Langdon killed Sauniere and its up to Fache to stop Robert*

Warlock: Aringarosa lied to him.

 

*Collet says they’re on their way to London*

Warlock: How would HE know that?

Wizard: Just watch, you’ll see.

 

*When Leigh’s plane lands, the cops are on their way. Remy blows by the traffic guys and enter a hanger. Leigh exits the plane with Remy and tells the Inspector to shoot them if necessary. The cops search the plane and find nothing. Remy and Leigh drive off with Robert and Sophie in the back of the car. Its revealed they jumped in the car BEFORE the cops got to the plane. Meanwhile Aringarosa gets a call from the Teacher saying he’ll deliver the Grail. Aringarosa leaves the Prefect and the Prefect says if this fails, they don’t have his back*

Warlock: The Vatican covering something up? Ya don’t say!

 

*Leigh reveals Robert is claustrophobic because he fell into a well as a child*

Warlock: Took them this long to do that?

 

*Leigh, Robert and Sophie enter the Temple Church. They go over the tombs to find out which one has the Orb. Robert then figures out they’re not tombs, they are effergies. Suddenly Silas appears and chases Sophie*

Warlock: Where did HE come from?

 

*Silas pulls a knife on Sophie and demands the Keystone. Remy runs in and pulls a gun. Robert says not to shoot, he doesn’t have a clear shot. Suddenly Remy turns the gun on Robert and says he does. Leigh asks what’s going on and Remy pistol whips him*

Warlock: What a heel turn.

 

*Remy orders Leigh thrown in the trunk as Robert and Sophie run for it. Silas does as he’s told as Remy continues the chase. They lose him and Leigh says he needs to find a phone*

Warlock: 40 minutes left, jesus.

 

*Remy admits he’s the Teacher to Silas*

Warlock: The butler is the Teacher? I don’t think so.

Wizard: Nope, not even close.

 

*Remy pulls over and tells Silas his work is done. He’ll take over from here. Meanwhile Remy gets his payoff from the REAL Teacher. He admits he fooled Silas and he’ll go to the grave knowing Teacher’s real identity*

Warlock: If you haven’t figured it out already.

 

*Remy realizes he’s been poisoned by the Teacher after drinking from his flask*

Warlock: That gets rid of him.

 

*The Teacher is…..LEIGH. He gets his money back and reveals the location of Sophie and Robert to Fache*

Warlock: Saw that a mile away.

 

*Robert says they’re looking for Isaac Newton who was a grand master of the Priory. The Catholic Church spurned him. The pope referred to that resided at Newton’s funeral wasn’t a catholic pope but Alexander Pope, the person. Sophie finds cane marks in the dust as Leigh makes his appearance. He reveals Sophie is the last remaining Priory. Leigh reveals he’s the one who killed her grandfather. Leigh pulls a gun and asks if they can all be friends again*

Warlock: Yeah, we just imagined the whole thing.

 

*The police pull up outside Silas’ lair. Leigh sold him out as the murderer*

Warlock: Well it was true, he WAS the murderer.

 

*Silas is shot by cops and he starts shooting back, he then accidentally plugs Arigarosa. Silas then is shot and killed by the cops. He says “I am a ghost” before he dies*

Warlock: So much for them.

 

*Leigh reveals his plan is to expose the Catholic Church for the scumbags they are. Fache then confronts Arigarosa on a gurney that Langdon never confessed. Fache then says to take Bishop away*

Wizard: Fache’s nickname is “The Bulldog” for a reason.

 

*Leigh reveals his plan was to masquerade as a Council of Shadows (Opus Dei) member to get to the Grail.  He rolls the Cryptext to Sophie and says if she opens it, he’ll put down the gun. She can’t do it but Robert thinks he can. Leigh says if he can’t, she dies*

Warlock: Defeats the whole purpose.

 

*Robert daydreams for clues then he forces it open…ruining the map. Robert says only the worthy find the Grail. The cops rush in and Sophie puts the gun down. Fache says Leigh is under arrest. They haul him off as he screams at Robert for ruining it. He rants and raves as he’s taken away*

Warlock: Yeah, he’s not insane or anything.

 

*Robert reveals he solved it, the password was Apple….what Newton based his life’s work on. They look at the scroll and Robert says Rossilyn Chapel is where the tomb lies. Robert says Sauniere called him a historical flatfoot, meaning he never got his hands dirty*

Warlock: Until now.

 

*In the Chapel, Sophie has a flashback of when she was there in the past. Robert spots the pagan pentacle and walks downstairs to a private room. The curator follows them as Robert pulls back a rug to reveal a secret chamber leading below. They walk down the stairs and find a potted rose where the sarcophagus was*

Warlock: They moved it.

 

*The curator lets a bunch of shady characters inside as Sophie reveals she found no record of the accident that killed her family. Her grandfather yelled at her and made sure she never told anyone or look for her family. Robert reveals he wasn’t her grandfather. Robert reveals a newspaper that says the accident killed the whole family. Robert says that she survived and the Priory hid her with the Grand Master himself. The newspaper was a cover up. She comes from the Saint-Clare family, one of the most powerful in French history. She wasn’t supposed to protect the holy grail, she IS the Holy Grail*

Wizard: What do you say to that?

 

*Robert and Sophie walk back up the stairs where a dozen people wait. An elderly lady proclaims she’s her grandmother and these are the Priory. She’s home now*

Warlock: Should we believe it?

 

*Sophie and Robert banter. Sophie reveals the location of the sarcophagus died with Sauniere so they’ll never get to find out if she’s REALLY a descendant of Jesus Christ. Robert says when he was down in the well he prayed so it doesn’t matter if its real or not. He asks if she’s going to destroy faith or renew it. She thanks him. He says his goodbye as she pretends to walk on water*

Warlock: Godspeed.

 

*Back in his hotel room, Robert cuts himself shaving and the blood in the sink forms a sword. He looks in his own book and realizes something. He follows the “Rose Line” and realizes the sarcophagus is underneath a glass panel outside the Louvre*

Warlock: Hiding out in plain view.

Wizard: Yup.

 

*End credits*

Wizard: All symbolism.

 

The Wizard had no assesment:

The Warlock’s Assessment:  It was a thrillride that had you on the edge of your seat the whole way. You didn’t know who to trust and you didn’t know what was going to happen next. You had to be an expert to catch the swerves before they happened. All in All I give it a 9 out of 10.

Final Grade: 9 out of 10: Amazing

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was a great, great movie adaptation. The book gives a lot more details but the movie kept up big time. The actors did a tremendous job, the cinematography was outstanding and the plot twists worked well into the storyline. Even though the work was a fiction, it did make you wonder on what kind of shady business the Catholics and Christians were up to in the few centuries following the death of Jesus Christ. Actually, the movie felt like a darker, bloodier National Treasure except with world history instead of American history. It made for a great movie. That about wraps up another great adventure, have a pleasant evening.

 

173. Sea Beast (2008)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing an I Survived Sharknado t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitiates off the ground before walking inside*

Warlock: After the let down known as Swamp Devil, we now take a look at the second movie out of our 6 pack….SEA BEAST!

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: Another Dr. Taylor Ahern special?

Warlock: No no, I don’t think the beast in question is a shark.

America: Oh, well excuse me all to hell.

Warlock: Apparently a bunch of morons are trapped on a boat and stalked by the sea beast.

America: Great, a Deep Rising ripoff.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: We’ll see, its time for Sea Beast.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Its a feeding frenzy!”

America: THAT’S THE TAG-LINE?

Warlock: Yup.

America: Wow, that’s just…wow.

 

*Movie begins on a boat in a storm*

Warlock: Perfect Storm 2: This Time Its personal.

 

*Will McKenna (Corin Nemec) tries to steer the boat to safety. Danny (Daniel Wisler) tries to bring up some fish. A sea beast rises up and eats one of the fisherman named Joey (Doug Chambers)*

Warlock: WHAT THE FUCK?

America: That was quick.

 

*Drew (Brandon Jay McLaren) is distraught*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: Second straight movie they don’t explain shit.

America: its the first 5 minutes.

 

*Back at port, Will and Danny are downtrodden. The sea beast has followed them*

Warlock: Oh joy.

 

*Danny and Drew share bonding moments before Will walks by. He says to pay their respects. Meanwhile Carly (Miriam McDonald) shows up and Danny wants to know when he can tell Will they’re dating*

Warlock: Try never.

 

*Ben (Brent Stait) tells Will that he better not lose his boy Danny next time*

Warlock: Strong words.

 

*Carly tells Erin (Christie Laing) that she has the keys to her father’s boat. Danny asks why Drew isn’t coming. Drew says he’s got night shift. Danny will be alone with Erin and Carly. Meanwhile Drew;s fishing line has a bite.  Drew reels it in and his line snaps. Danny finds a dead duck in the net*

Warlock: Where’s the dog to hold it up and laugh?

 

*Roy (Roman Podhora) wants to know when Will will bring back fish and pay him for his boat. He strikes a nerve by saying he loses more crew than fish. Sherriff Jay McKenna (Gary Hudson), Will’s brother breaks it up. Will says he’s going back out again and Roy wants the money up front. Meanwhile Arden (Camille Sullivan) is looking for clues in the water*

America: Word travels fast in this area.

 

*Arden says their eco-system is fucked because she found fish killing algae. Arden walks away and Will checks her out. He says he was looking at her buckets*

America: Sure you were!!!

 

*Erin walks up to Drew and grabs his ass. They kiss and Erin says bye to Drew. She walks off with Danny and Carly as something in the water watches*

Warlock: Shut up!

America: I didn’t say anything!

 

*Will gets a repossession notice and he drinks the pain away*

Warlock: Liquid painkiller, never works. Sad part is this is what real life fisherman go through.

 

*A cloaked monster appears on the dock while Drew looks around*

Warlock: Its got a cloaking device on??

 

*The monster stares at Drew and spits on him*

Warlock: He spits at that question.

 

*Drew staggers around and falls down*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*The beast kills Drew*

Warlock: Love how they don’t explain ANYTHING.

 

*Roy asks Will what he’s doing. Will says he’s going out again. Roy says he wants his money. Will tosses it to him and Roy asks if he robbed a bank to get it. Will says he’s going to make up for the lost catch. Will goes to look for Drew but finds the green goo. Arden walks up and asks what happened, Will doesn’t know. Will asks if she’s ever seen anything like that before. He follows the trail*

Warlock: He kind of looks like Dennis Leary.

 

*Will and Arden inspect the water and its a human hand*

Warlock: Hey give the man a hand.

 

*Carly and Danny share bonding moments*

Warlock: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Carrie Fischer?

America: What? No!

Warlock: Good.

 

*Police block off the dock*

America: Oh boy, its the cops!

 

*Jay says there’s no way a shark killed Drew. Will and Jay argue over what killed him and Jay says they’ll form a hunting party. Jay says he’s sorry about Drew*

Warlock: Bah, half his crew is dead.

 

*Arden says the green goo is some kind of fungus. It has acidic property. Will wants to show her something*

America: He found a clue.

 

*Will says the goo on the boat was there BEFORE they docked*

America: Oh don’t worry you’re gonna find out soon enough.

 

*Carly asks Erin where Drew is, she’s distraught because Drew never showed*

America: Well its not like you think it is lady, the dude’s dead.

Warlock: She doesn’t know that.

America: That’s why I’m saying it.

 

*The sea beat attacks and spits on Erin after Carly leaves. Three little monsters pop up from behind the big monsters*

Warlock: Ok, its not sea beast, its Sea Beasts?

 

*Monsters eat Erin*

Warlock: Once again, not explaining shit.

America: Apparently this thing has kids.

 

*Back at the bar, Will talks to Ben. He says something killed Joey and Drew. He wants to know when Ben lost a crewman, what happened. Ben says a shark killed him…apparently. Ben says he saw a monster. Will explains that he brought a monster back with him and he needs Ben to tell the town what really happened. Ben blows him off and storms out*

Warlock: Ice Cream Man police would believe him.

 

*Danny gathers wood outside as he spots one of the little monsters*

Warlock: Already?

 

*Danny approaches it and tries to take a cell phone picture of it. It runs up and bites his hand then runs off*

Warlock: Well he had the right idea.

 

*Will brings coffee to Arden. Arden says the goo comes from a deep sea predator. Will asks if a deep sea monster killed Drew, she says she doesn’t know. Suddenly one of the little monsters kills a couple in a nearby fan. He shoots it with a handgun*

Warlock: No explanation.

America: Oh boy, dramatic chase music.

 

*Sea Beast hops on a tree as two fisherman watch Will start blasting, they run away scared*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha yeah really.

 

*Carly asks what bit Danny. Danny says it looks like an angler fish from the bottom of the ocean*

Warlock: So how did it get there?

America: We’re supposed to believe the thing evolved so it can jump around on land?

 

*Will calls Carly and asks if she’s still alive in a voicemail*

America: Heh.

 

*Jay confronts Will and Will says he saw the monster take Joey. Jay doesn’t believe him*

Warlock: Actually he looks like a blonde Joseph Gordon Levitt.

 

*Jay says not to do anything drastic, he’ll round up a hunting party. Meanwhile Danny’s bite wound is getting worse. Danny doesn’t want to ruin the weekend*

America: No he’s right, the fish monsters will ruin the weekend.

 

*Jay rallies the townspeople in the bar. He says some kind of creature did it. Jay says they need to find it fast. Roy doesn’t believe Will at all.  Ben walks in sober and tells Roy to shut up. Ben explains how his crewman died, he was attacked by the monster*

Warlock: At least he admits it was a monster.

 

*Barbara (Gwynyth Walsh) walks in and says something’s in the woods. Roy grabs his gun and says he’s going to look for it on his own. Jay says he’ll handle it, Will says he needs professionals to handleit. Jay says he is a professional. Meanwhile Carly and Danny find the boat missing. Danny blames Erin for taking the boat. Danny’s infection is getting worse*

Warlock: Don’t tell me he’s going to turn into one.

 

*Ben and Will confront Arden for going to investigate*

America: She’s searching for more clues.

 

*Ben and Will go with her. They know where to look for the deepest part of the ocean*

Warlock: Where the hell are they?

America: I don’t know.

 

*Little sea monsters are eating Erin as Carly wanders by shouting for her. Carly says Erin was abducted by pirates*

Warlock: PIRATES??

America: What?

 

*Roy and two hunters (Brock Johnson and Brad Kelly) along with Jay search the forest. Meanwhile Arden explains after the 2004 tsunami, 14 new species were found*

Warlock: Hey, finally they explained something. The 2004 tsunami dug up the old sea beast.

 

*Jay finds remains of something dead as Roy says he heard something*

Warlock: I’m hunting wabbits…shhhhhh

 

*Jay says to spread out*

America: Oh god here we go again.

 

*Monster goes to strike*

Warlock: Didn’t waste any time after that.

America: This guy was never given a name and was never introduced. You’re dead.

Warlock: “Look, you’re not even wearing a name tag”

 

*Beast kills unnamed Hunter. Roy walks into Jay and neither found anything*

Warlock: Yeah character development went out the window.

 

*Second hunter runs up and pukes on Will*

Warlock: Hahaha ohhhhhhh

 

*Hunter points to first hunter’s remains. Roy spots beast in a tree*

Warlock: So Perfect Storm meets Predator?

 

*Will, hunter and Roy start shooting at the trees*

Warlock: Holy shit this really is a Predator knockoff.

 

*Jay says to cease fire and keep a cool head. Meanwhile Carly can’t get any reception. Danny starts squeezing his wound and pus oozes out*

Warlock: I give props for disgusting.

 

*Hunter 2 is dragged away as Roy and Jay shoot at his direction*

Warlock: Yeah, shoot him, great idea.

 

*Beast eats Hunter 2 but Jay misses completely when shooting at it. Jay tells Will to look out but Will plugs it right between the eyes*

America: Good shot. Shoot it again just to make sure.

 

*Roy stops to admire it but the beast springs to life and snaps his neck*

America: What did I tell you?

 

*Arden finds an hatched egg. Apparently this thing has laid eggs in the water*

Warlock: That explains the little monsters.

 

*Carly finds Erin’s remains and blames pirates. A little monster shows up and grabs ahold of Danny. Carly drops a rock on the tongue and the monster takes a header into the rock*

America: That creature is gonna be PISSED.

 

*Ben’s plan is to draw the beast out of the water and kill it on land*

Warlock: Good idea….

 

*Will calls Carly again but she doesn’t answer. Arden says she saw Erin, Carly and Danny take off. Meanwhile Barbara is asked to ring Jay. Jay doesn’t answer*

Warlock: I don’t think he’s gonna make it.

 

*Carly and Danny run around, Carly asks if there are other monsters*

Warlock: There’s at least two others, maybe more.

 

*Danny’s wound is getting worse. Carly says Drew maybe dead too*

Warlock Smart girl.

America: She has a point.

 

*Danny says he doesn’t see anything. Maybe it was a bird*

America: You will.

 

*Carly spots a whole family of little monsters. Carly asks Danny to do something. Danny “What do you want me to do?”

Warlock: Walk up and poke them in the eyes, that’ll work right?

America: No.

 

*Danny says these are angler fish so he needs fishing gear*

Warlock: Oh boy, a montage.

 

*Meanwhile Ben gets packed for battle as well. The monsters start attacking the cabin Carly and Danny are in*

Warlock: We still got a half hour of this shit to go.

 

*Little monster busts through the window, Carly impales it*

Warlock: Love how it just kamikaze’d in there.

 

*Monster sends out distress yelp before Carly kills it with a knife. The monsters attack and Danny and Carly fight them off*

America: Nice!

 

*Danny electrocutes two more as Carly throws a knife and nails a third in the eye. Four more are downstairs waiting for them.

Warlock: There’s like 30 of them!

 

*Barbara asks Ben what’s going on. Ben has rigged up a cage. Ben starts wiping fish guts on himself*

Warlock: He’s using himself as bait.

America: Yup.

 

*Arden and Will find Jay cut in half. Will reports Jay’s dead*

Warlock: Holy shit.

 

*Will says Roy and the others are dead too. Barbara says Ben has gone crazy and Will says he’s on his way*

Warlock: Let him grieve, jesus.

 

*Ben sets up a harpoon. “Come on ya dumb fish”

Warlock: Fish are dumb.

 

*Barbara wanders onto the dock and Bill spots the big monster. The Sea Beast bites Barbara’s head off and the body twitches*

Warlock: That was nice.

 

*Ben inside the cage gets paralyzed by the Beast’s spit. The monster growls at Ben. We cut to Danny and Carly. Carly doesn’t want to end up like Erin*

Warlock: Who does?

 

*Carly says a sunken ferry has a radio on it, they could board it and use the radio to call for help*

Warlock: How would a sunken radio work?

America: If the radio antennae isn’t submerged, it’ll work.

 

*Danny and Carly walk outside. Danny says he doesn’t see anything but the dead ones*

America: You will.

 

*A little monster drops Danny and chokes Carly with its tongue. Danny grabs an axe an cuts its head off. It staggers around*

Warlock: That was a little too cheesy.

 

*Carly “I don’t wanna die, Danny”

America: Most people don’t want to die.

 

*Will and Arden find Barbara and Ben dead. Arden says the venom killed him. Will gets on the radio and notices a microchip is in the creature, Ben’s harpoon hit from earlier installed it inside. The monster is headed for the island with Carly and Danny on it. Will and Arden take Arden’s boat toward the island*

America: You know what I love? When this movie is said and done, how are they going to explain it to the cops?

Warlock: What cops? They’re dead.

America: Exactly, when the FBI shows up, how are they gonna explain this?

Warlock: Pirates.

America: WHAT? How are they gonna account for pirates with a half naked dude in a cage on a dock?

Warlock: They scared him to death. They can manipulate any story.

America: Uh huh.

 

*Sea Beast crawls into the dock where the ferry lies. The ferry is above water*

America: Yeah, the radio should work.

 

*Carly says to barricade themselves inside the ferry. Meanwhile Arden and Will make it to the island and find Erin’s remains*

Warlock: I think these are the only four left in the movie cast still alive, including the extras.

 

*Carly finds a flare gun on the ferry. Meanwhile Will and Arden make it to the cabin as Danny shoots a flare. Carly and Danny need to find a safe, secure room*

Warlock: Fat chance.

 

*Danny hears an audible moan and says that sounds like none of the creatures they encountered. He goes off to investigate*

Warlock: Why do they always split up?

America: I don’t know.

 

*Danny barricades Carly in a room and says he’ll be back. Arden and Will hear the mating call as well. Dozens of little monsters head toward the ferry*

Warlock: Feeding time.

 

*Carly screams out  for Danny*

America: So, they’re in a general area that these are. They’re going to the same spot where these creatures are. The head beast is giving off an audible feeding call that gathers the young. So what do they do? Instead of remaining quiet, they scream out their names? They might as well ring the dinner bell!

 

*Little monsters attempt to break into Carly’s room. Meanwhile Arden and Will track the Sea Beast. They run into Danny who says he’ll take them to Carly. Suddenly the Beast snatches Danny. The little beasts attack Carly and she kills them. Eventually Will and Arden find her. She asks where Danny is, Will says he’s sorry*

America: Danny didn’t make it.

 

*Carly finds the nest where all the eggs are laid. Arden says they need to destroy the whole ship. Will says he knows what to do. Will says they have enough CO2 tanks to blow the creature and the nest to kingdom come*

Warlock: That would work

 

*Carly and Arden prepare a trap as Will runs off to find some gas. Will walks over to a car that’s on the boat and siphons gas out of it*

Warlock: Love how there was a car conveniently on a boat.

 

*Will tells Arden to take Carly and get lost. Meanwhile Sea Beast shows up. Will lights up a cigar*

Warlock: Final showdown? *sings* Its the final SHOWDOWNNNNN.

America: No!

 

*Will goes to blow the place but Beast catches him with its tongue. Will uses his cigar to burn the tongue off so he can break free. The trap goes off and KABOOM!!!!! Arden and Carly scream NO*

Warlock: Got any marshmallows?

 

*Will shows up behind Arden and Carly as they hug him*

Warlock: He made it, hooray hooray.

 

*Last frame has Arden and Carly rigging up the boat for Will to cast off*

Warlock: So his brother’s dead, all his friends are wiped out. They fought off mythological creatures. Her boyfriend is dead….and they’re just fine?

 

*End credits*

Warlock: Wait, no cliché ending with one egg left that hatches? Least they didn’t go that route.

America: So this was made in Canada? That’s who we have to thank for this pile? I blame you.

Warlock: I blame YOU.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment:  I give it a 2.5 out of 10. They really didn’t explain a lot and whoever made this movie had a 90 minute excuse for some fictitious creature to go around killing people.

The Warlock’s Assessment: 4 out of 10. At least they explained the origin of the creatures, more than can be said for last movie. Didn’t have much character development or believability though.

Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – Horrible

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: If Swamp Devil was a let down for their plot holes, this fell off the deep end completely. It was nice that they explained where the monsters came from but that was about it. The CGI special effects were nothing special and there was no character development at all. Talk about a waste of time.

America: We’re 0 for 2.

Warlock: Don’t remind me. Have a pleasant evening.

172. Swamp Devil (2008)

3 DAYS EARLIER

*The Warlock is on a Skype call with Mr. Wallstreet*

Wallstreet: So how’s the Realm been in my absence.

Warlock: Thug D has filled in great and Mr. America is as great as ever, just not the same without the three of us together.

Wallstreet: Yes, I noticed lately you haven’t done a lot of the garbage movies you, America and I were doing last year.

Warlock: Neyz, T and D refuse to watch garbage and other stuff have popped up.

Wallstreet: Do you have any idea how long you’ve gone without doing a movie made in the 21st century?

Warlock: What do you mean?

Wallstreet: You just did Carrie right?

Warlock: Yeah.

Wallstreet: Yeah, you haven’t done a movie made past 2000 since Wreck It Ralph.

Warlock: Hey that’s no fair, that was a flashback!

Wallstreet: Fine, you havn’t done one since Vile. That was back in July.

Warlock: My god you’re right.

Wallstreet: I think its time you returned to your roots.

Warlock: What did you have in mind?

Wallstreet: You’ll see. I’ll keep in touch.

*PRESENT DAY*

*The Warlock is standing inside his lair pacing around. He’s wearing a t-shirt that says DEADFALL TRAIL on the back and HIKE IT IF YOU DARE on the back along with blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. He’s trying to watch The Man From U.N.C.L.E. but Warlock is in the way*

America: Will you quit pacing back and forth? You’re giving me motion sickness.

Warl;ock: Sorry, I’m expecting a package.

America: Well can you pace outside then? Robert Vaughn is about to attack somebody.

*Warlock steps outside and paces back and forth until Darnell The Delivery Guy shows up with a small package and literally throws it at Warlock who flicks his wrist to stop it in midair. Darnell storms off in a huff as Warlock grabs the floating package, opens it, laughs and walks inside*

Warlock: Hahahaha I should have known.

America: What? Did you get a movie?

Warlock: Oh, you could say that.

America: Oh great, now what?

*Warlock tosses America the DVD box. America looks at it and shakes his head*

America: No….

Warlock: Yes, compliments of Mr. Wallstreet.

America: I’m gonna shoot him myself.

*Warlock turns as America pops the first DVD in*

Warlock: Tonight we go back to our roots with the beginning of a new 6 Pack Horror movie collection. Compliments of Mr. Wallstreet.

America: He’s a dead man.

Warlock: Up first is Swamp Devil. The 2008 Scy-Fy movie about Swamp Thing’s son….just kidding.

*America sits in the recliner, Warlock in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s kick off the 6 Pack with Swamp Devil

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A young girl finds out some disturbing supernatural truths about her father, who has been a suspect to multiple murder cases”

America: *imitating ghosts* Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Warlock: Wow, I was just kidding when I was saying it was about Swamp Thing’s son. I wasn’t too far off.

*Graphic reads Gibbington Vermont, 17 years ago*

Warlock: Back in 1991.

America: I see a bunch of trees.

*Young Dream Girl (Jenna Wheeler-Hughes) hears a twig snap and runs for it*

America: Oh god, its foliage!

*Opening credits*

Warlock: Not exactly the best credits.

*Some blonde woman runs through the forrest screaming help*

America: Welp, there’s the trip!

*The blonde is named Lisa (Mary-Pier Gaudet)*

America: Its the first five minutes of the movie, she’s dead. You kidding me.

*Lisa is attacked as Deputy Jolene (Allison Graham) asks the Sherriff (James Kidnie) if he heard her screaming*

Warlock: No, he’s deaf…OF COURSE HE HEARD IT.

*Lisa is thrown into the water*

America: Time to cool off.

*Old man Jones (Robert Higden) finds Lisa face up in the water. She’s dead. Bigg (Kwasi Songui) is sad*

Warlock: It would have been better if she was face down.

America: So far we learned that he can manipulate its natural surroundings. I’m not impressed. Imhotep did that in The Mummy.

Warlock: Well technically, this was 17 years ago, he came first.

America: The Mummy was set in the 30’s you idiot.

*Howard Blaime (Bruce Dern) looks on as Old Man Jones cries*

Warlock: HE DID IT!

*Back in present day. Melanie Blaime (Cindy Sampson) wakes up with a migraine*

America: Yeah so? Get some advil.

*Melanie gets a phone call from Jimmy Fuller (Nicolas Wright) who used to be neighbors. He’s calling on behalf of Howard, her father. Jimmy says Howard is dying and wants to see her*

America: Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn

*Jimmy tries to convince Melanie to come see her father and abruptly hangs up*

Warlock: Yeah that was ominous, abruptly hanging up.

America: What was the first five minutes of the movie? Happy time?

*Sheriff wants Bigg to escort Old Man Jones without killing anyone*

Warlock: Haha.

*Melanie gets out of her car and meets Jimmy on the side of the road in front of the City Limits sign*

Warlock: Why are they meeting on the side of the road next to the welcome sign? Are the restaurants closed?

*She gets back in her car, he wants a ride into town and he sticks his thumb out. She gets back in the car and gives him a lift*

Warlock: Why didn’t he just get in her car to begin with?

America: I don’t know.

Warlock: Could have saved 30 seconds of them talking.

*Melanie doesn’t remember the town being a ghost town*

Warlock: Be glad its not Derry, Maine where IT was.

*Melanie wants to talk about her father. Jimmy reveals he made it all up. She slams on the brakes*

America: Yeah you deserved that.

*Melanie “What kind of monster tells someone a person is dying?”

Warlock: Yeah really.

America: How did you think she was going to react, stupid?

*Jimmy says her father’s not dying, he’s wanted for murder. She doesn’t believe him. He says they’re after him now and needs their help*

Warlock: He needs to retire.

*Jimmy manipulates her into staying in town. She lets him back in the car. Meanwhile Bigg and Jones search the forest with shotguns*

Warlock: Im hunting wabbits…shhhhhh.

*Jimmy “How’s your headache?” Melanie “What headache?” He picks up the giant bottle of advil on the dashboard and shakes it*

Warlock and America: Hahaha.

*Jimmy and Melanie enter Shelly’s Diner. Shelly (Bronwen Mantel) greets them*

America: Wow, slow day. There’s nobody there.

*Shelly has a watch collection on the wall*

Warlock: Better than hunting trophies right?

America: Its a very interesting hobby to take on.

*Jimmy tells Shelly about Melanie’s headache, she goes to fix a potion. Meanwhile Melanie spots a picture of her father around the campfire. Shelly says its happier time.  Shelly starts rubbing her shoulders and says “Ooh you’re tense”

America: Of course she’s tense! She was just told her father is wanted for murder after he said her father was dying prior.

*Jimmy calls Shelly mom and Shelly finds that strange. Shelly gives her a glare and Melanie looks away, looks back and she’s gone*

America: What are you staring at?

*Back in the forest, Bigg and Jones continue to search*

Warlock: Meanwhile back at Camp Crystal Lake.

*Jones and Bigg agree to split up*

Warlock: There’s your favorite.

America: Oh here we go, the ol “let’s split up”

*Jimmy’s hand is completely filthy. Melanie asks why and he blows her off. He says he doesn’t remember anything from when he was 12*

Warlock: The hell?

*Jimmy takes Melanie to a cabin on the swamp. She freaks out when a twig snaps*

Warlock: Jittery fuck isn’t she?

America: Well she is definitely jumpy.

*Melanie finds a picture of her and her mother from July of 1985. Jimmy asks if she remembers her mother’s death. He says she was found face up in the swamp the same as the girl. Melanie yells at him to shut up*

America: This guy is a world class athlete at putting his foot in his mouth.

*Jimmy says he’s gonna go. Melanie asks how he’ll get home if she drove, he says he’ll walk in the mud*

Warlock: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I’LL WALK IN THE MUD!

America: What the hell are you going on about?

*Bigg searches the swamp by himself. He hears a branch, turns around, says “STOP OR ILL SHOOT” and fires*

Warlock: You hit nothing!

*Bigg turns around and sees the swamp monster. Bigg “What the hell are you?” The CGI monster trips Bigg and drags him to the center of the path and impales him*

Warlock: That was awful CGI.

America: Alright, you know what, he had it coming. He saw the thing and stood there for a good 4 seconds before reacting. Either shoot him or run! Love how the idiot shot at thin air but not at the creature standing in front of him.

*Melanie is held at gunpoint by Jolene, she drops her tea mug*

Warlock: Jesus, how about serve and protect?

*Sheriff tells Jolene to put the gun down, its Howard’s daughter*

America: At least one of the two is level headed about it.

*Melanie says she’s looking for her father. Old Man Jones barges in asking where Howard is.  Jones asks who Melanie is and Sheriff says Howard’s daughter. Jones goes to shoot Melanie and Sherriff points his gun at Jones and says put it away. Jolene leads Jones away and Sherriff says not to mind him, he just lost his daughter. Sherriff “Your old man is in a lot of trouble”

America: Ya think?

*Melanie says she hasn’t seen her father since 1993. Sheriff says Howard came to him days earlier and says a monster was out there that killed his wife and friends. Sheriff tells Melanie that Howard is nuts and the “monster” is pure fiction. He mentions Chupacabra*

Warlock: I just killed Chupacabra in Red Dead Redemption.

America: Nobody cares.

*Sherriff leaves and asks how long she’s staying. Melanie says a few days. Sherriff says he’ll send Jolene to look after her*

America: Mrs Trigger Happy?

*Melanie name drops Jimmy and Sherriff claims he never heard of him and he didn’t know Shelly had a son*

Warlock: Something’s going on here.

America: Ya think?

*Melanie hears a branch snap and she’s spooked*

Warlock: She sure gets spooked easily by twig snapping.

*Jimmy pops up and hands her flowers. He asks for forgiveness. Melanie tells Jimmy about what happened, Jimmy drops some background info on Jolene and Sheriff. Melanie asks how he knows them but they don’t know him. Jimmy changes the subject and asks her out to dinner*

Warlock: Something’s fishy Commish.

America: Commish??

*Jimmy “There are monsters that do horrible things. Things you should never see. Guns, knives…”

Warlock: He means us.

America: What?

*Melanie asks why Jimmy called her. Jimmy asks if she found out 5 years later how she’d feel. Melanie says she’d feel better. Jimmy says its better to know their parents and understand where they came from*

Warlock: Wow, actual character development.

America: You were doing a great job being philosophical until you said “etcetera, etcetera”

*Jimmy says he’ll take sentry duty and Melanie goes to bed. Meanwhile Howard in the forest eats steaming dead animals*

America: Those damn branches again.

*Melanie wakes up and Jimmy is gone*

Warlock: He went to Dunkin Donuts.

America: Where would there be a Dunkin Donuts?

Warlock: Its Vermont.

America: They’re nowhere near civilization to even be close to a Dunkin Donuts.

*Melanie notices the flowers she got from Jimmy the day before are dead*

Warlock: How could those flowers be dead in one day?

America: They’re trying to imply this dude has to do with the swamp monster.

*Melanie sees a footprint outside as Sherriff and Jolene walk in with coffee*

Warlock: Yeah you’re right.

*Melanie name drops Jimmy again and Jolene says nobody left the cabin all night while she watched. Melanie tries to convince them Jimmy exists but Sheriff doesn’t buy it*

Warlock: They never believe them.

*Jones is stalked by the monster*

America: You’re next buddy.

*Jolene asks about Jimmy and says she doesn’t know him. Jolene picks up the picture of the campfire and says her dad is in it but he’s dead. Everyone’s dead in the photo except Howard*

Warlock: Ominous.

*Sheriff rocks out to classical music in the car and spots Jimmy*

Warlock: Hey, he found him.

*Sheriff says he’s the missing boyfriend. Sherriff asks him where he’s from. Jimmy runs around the question and says he’s in a hurry to get back to Melanie. Sheriff says not to leave her alone for too long. Jimmy says he agrees*

Warlock: Haha, lovestruck.

*Sheriff asks if he saw anything while he was out. Jimmy says no*

Warlock: He had to ask didn’t he?

America: Yup.

Warlock: Well at least its established he’s not a ghost.

*Sheriff looks in his mirror and Jimmy is gone*

Warlock: Nevermind.

*Jolene says how everyone died. She found her father hanging by a rope. Jolene says he would never do that, he wasn’t crafty enough to weave the kind of rope that he was hung with*

Warlock: Wow.

*Jolene says she was convinced that her father was murdered but the police didn’t believe it*

Warlock: The Ice Cream Man Police would believe her.

America: Yes they would.

*Jolene says Howard is crazy. The monster uses a makeshift vine spike strip to pop the Sheriff’s tires. He gets dragged into the forest and he shoots at air*

Warlock: Once again shooting at nothing.

*Jolene hears the gunshots and knows its Sheriff by the gun caliber. Sheriff is dragged into the water it where the CGI monster drowns him*

Warlock: I thought Jones was gonna be next.

*Jolene takes Melanie’s car to look for Sheriff as Melanie cleans off the muddy footprints Jimmy left behind. She finds a crack in the ground and opens a floorboard*

Warlock: A clue!

*Melanie finds newspaper clippings as Billy shows up in the doorway. “Buried treasure?” Jimmy asks if she found anything incriminating*

Warlock: Hahaha.

America: He can NEVER say the right thing.

*Jimmy wants to split but Melanie wants to go through the articles. Melanie reluctantly leaves*

Warlock: Yeah, the picture of Billy’s likeness wasn’t incriminating enough?

*Howard is poking around with a stick. Jimmy tells the history of the forest*

Warlock: Haha what?

*Jimmy says it doesn’t matter about her father. Melanie starts to suspect Jimmy of something. All of a sudden Howard jumps out from behind a tree with a shotgun. Jimmy “I think it might be a LITTLE late for that.” Melanie says Jimmy is her friend and Howard says he’s no friend. Jones sneaks up from behind Howard with a shotgun of his own and threatens to kill Howard. Howard says Jimmy killed his daughter, not him. Melanie says Jimmy would never do that. Jimmy tells Jones to put the gun down. Jones asks why and Jimmy says he’s selfish and wants the glory for himself. He’s waited a long time for this. Jimmy says go ahead and shoot him, guns won’t hurt him. Jimmy then turns into the monster*

Warlock: Yeah, kinda saw that coming.

*Jones and Howard unload on the monster and he’s unaffected. They all run for it. Jones “What is that thing?” Howard “You don’t wanna know!”*

America: Yeah, keep running.

*Jolene finds Sherriff’s car. She goes to look for him. Meanwhile Howard, Jones and Melanie hide in a small cave*

Warlock: Why are they in a cave?

*Jones apologizes for trying to kill Howard. Howard asks who’s out there, Jones says Jolene, Sheriff and Bigg. Howard says they’re all in trouble. Meanwhile Jolene finds Sheriff dead floating face up*

America: He’s dead.

Warlock: No he’s gonna make the big babyface comeback.

America: Can I have what you’re smoking?

*Howard tells Jones to take Melanie out of there. Jones says he wants to kill the thing. Melanie says everyone inside, Sheriff owes her an explanation*

Warlock: Time to explain EVERYTHING.

*Jolene drags Sheriff back to Melanie’s car and tosses him in the car*

Warlock: What’s she doing?

America: I don’t know.

*Jolene can’t start the car. Meanwhile Jimmy the Monster shows up*

Warlock: How come cars never start in these situations?

*Jolene empties a whole clip intoJimmy’s hand. Out of ammo*

Warlock: She panicked on that one.

*Howard says revenge can destroy lives, it happened to him. Howard shows her a likeness of Jimmy only that’s not his name. The girl from the beginning of the movie is stalked by Jimmy and eventually murdered. Howard says he was convinced Jimmy did it and it ate him up inside. Howard says he was going to get a confession out of him. Howard says he was wrong. He and “the boys” tracked Jimmy into the swamp and got a rape and murder confession out of him. Howard asked the boys to cut it out after he admitted it. They beat him to death and buried him in the swamp. A little while after that, Melanie’s mom was found dead. A note was found next to her body “I’ll Come For You Last” meaning Howard. He sent Melanie away to protect her. Howard says all the men that helped him were found dead because of the monster. Howard says every day he’s out looking for him. Even Jones has his back, he asks if the monster can be stopped*

Warlock: That is a good question.

*Melanie figures out Jimmy can’t leave the city. She remembers how he refused to cross the city limits and had her drive 10 feet to pick him up*

Warlock: Now it makes sense.

*The monster crashes through the window and kidnaps Melanie. Howard and Jones run into Jolene and says they need to stock up. Jones heads to Shelly’s diner. Jones asks for all Shelly’s ammo. She hands him the ammo and Jones walks out. Jones drives away and we cut back to Jimmy in human form tying up Melanie*

Warlock: Why is he back in human form?

*Melanie asks why Jimmy is doing this, he dances around the question. Howard, Jolene and Jones find Bigg swinging from a tree, dead. They all freak*

Warlock: Cut him down will ya?

*Jimmy taunts Melanie as Howard, Jones and Jolene find them. Howard say to form a perimeter and surround the area*

Warlock: You think it’ll work.

America: Nahhh.

*Jones and Howard draw Jimmy’s attention. Howard says he knows what to do. He walks up to Jimmy and taunts him. Jimmy asks if Howard told her the story. Jimmy knows Jolene is trying to cut Melanie down. Howard drops Jimmy with a few shots before he changes into the monster. Jolene cuts Melanie loose and now its a chase. Melanie wants to go back for Howard as Jones and Jolene tell her to not look back. Meanwhile Howard is on the run*

Warlock: Is this the big finale?

America: I’d say so.

*Jones is caught in a Jimmy vine, he fires away at the monster but its unaffected.  Jimmy then disables Jones although he crawls for the city limits. Jolene fires a few rounds to distract Jimmy but he’s unaffected. Jones calls him an ugly motherfucker and Jimmy stomps his head in*

Warlock: Ohhhh yeah.

*Howard says they’re safe now but Melanie and Jolene disagree. Howard says he has to stop it. Melanie says she doesn’t want to lose her again. Howard says it was the hardest thing he had to do was to send her away.  He explains why he did everything*

Warlock: I’m surprised, actual development.

*Howard gives her a choice, stay with him or run. If she comes with him, she has to trust him and what’s best for her. Jolene and Melanie run for it as Jimmy stalks Howard. Howard makes it to his cave*

Warlock: Now can we get the big finale? They never explained how he went from buried in the swamp to a swamp monster.

*Jolene and Melanie drive off in Jones’ truck and heads for the county line but Jimmy jumps onto the truck. Jimmy grabs Melanie and pulls her into the back of the truck as Jolene floors it. They cross the county line and Jimmy can’t cross it*

Warlock: They were right, he can’t cross.

*Howard drives Melanie’s car toward the other car*

Warlock: They’re gonna play chicken.

*Jolene swerves into a ditch as Howard plows Jimmy over the county line, disintegrating the monster*

Warlock: That was one way to end it.

*Howard gets Jolene and Melanie out of the car before it explodes*

Warlock: How could it have exploded just by swerving into a ditch? I’ve spun out like that and my car didn’t explode.

*Howard “Well, its over. He’s done. That’s enough of that.”

Warlock: You ain’t kidding.

*Meanwhile back in the forest, Shelly looks around. She grabs the wooden hand of the swamp creature and we cut*

America: Ok?

*End credits*

Warlock: Wonderful, they never explained how he went from rapist murderer to swamp creature.

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3.5. It did attempt to have a coherent story you could follow and characters to follow but it wasn’t anything special.

The Warlock’s Assessment:  I give it a 5, it would have been better but the lack of explaining certain things dropped it from good to average. The characters were developed nicely and it did have an easy to follow plot but how the hell do you go from dead body to CGI tree monster?

Final Grade: 4.0 out of 10 – Bad

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: There’s another one of those movies that COULD have been good but there was too much wrong with it that it ended up being below average. They never explained how the monster became a monster. At least some of the characters were developed and it made for some interesting moments. Just not enough to make it a good movie. That wraps up another craptastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.

171. Carrie (1976)

*The Warlock is sitting on the couch watching WWE Monday Night Raw with Thug D. Warlock is wearing a t-shirt that says ICE CREAM MAN POLICE DEPARTMENT on the front and WE BELIEVE YOU on the back along with blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. Thug D is in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with metal band patches on it, an Iced Earth t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*

D: I’m thirsty, got anything to drink?

Warlock: Coke or pepsi?

D: Coke.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and the kitchen refrigerator door opens. He flicks his wrist again and a can of coke flies out into D’s hands*

D: How the hell do you do that?

Warlock: Don’t ask.

D: Ok Carrie.

Warlock: Who?

D: Carrie..you know…the Stephen King character?

Warlock: Oh THAT Carrie, never seen it.

D: WHAT??

Warlock: Yeah, never seen it. Wanted to but never got around.

D: Turn Raw off right now, we’re watching it.

Warlock: Oh fine.

*Warlock cancels out of Raw and D pops the dvd in*

Warlock: Whats this about anyway?

D: You’ll see.

 

*Thug D reads the tag-line*

D: “Carrie White, a shy, friendless 17 year-old girl who is sheltered by her domineering, religious mother, unleashes her telekinetic powers after being humiliated by her classmates at her senior prom.”

Warlock: I think we all wish we could have done that at prom.

 

*Movie opens with girls volleyball*

Warlock: Helloooooooooo ladies.

 

*Carrie (Sissy Spacek) loses the match point for her team. Every girl makes fun of her. Chris (Nancy Allen) tells her to eat shit*

D: Geez.

 

*Opening credits in girls shower with nudity abound*

Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time one minute into it.

D: We got bush!

 

*Carrie showers alone*

Warlock: Pancake ass

D: Nobody had ass in the 70’s.

Warlock: How is that possible?

D: Gotta love the softcore porn soundtrack here.

 

*Slow motion shot of Carrie showering*

Warlock: Is this a movie or softcore porn?

 

*Carrie gets her period in the shower*

Warlock: My first period?

D: Yup.

 

*Girls make fun of Carrie and throw towels at her. The gym teacher consoles her until Carrie screams, making an overhead light explode*

Warlock: Holy shit these girls are brutal.

 

*Guy walks down the hall*

D: Parachute pants before they were cool.

 

*Mr Morton (Stefan Gierasch) talks with Miss Finch. Morton keeps calling her Cassie until Carrie freaks out and uses her power to break his ash tray*

Warlock: This guy’s memory totally sucks.

 

*Some kid on a bike calls her Creepy Carrie and Carrie makes him fall down with her power*

Warlock: Good.

 

*Carrie’s mom Margaret (Piper Larr ue) visits Mrs Snell (Priscilla Pointer) who doesn’t appreciate being called Godless by Margaret. Mrs Snell says Sue (Amy Irving) won’t like being told that either. Mrs. Snell gives her 10 dollars and she storms out*

Warlock: Holy moly, so ungrateful.

 

*Margaret storms home and gets a phone call. Carrie comes downstairs and Margaret hits her with the bible and drags her by the hair around*

Warlock: Jesus, all because she got her period?

D: Damn, other kids had to worry about getting an F on their report card.

 

*Margaret is locked in a closet, she prays to a scary looking Jesus figure*

Warlock: Hey look its Jimmy Page.

 

*Carrie walks into her mom’s room*

D: Sorry I had my period mom, I’ll think better next time.

 

*Margaret allows Carrie to go to bed*

Warlock: No dinner?

D: No, eating is a sin.

 

*Carrie cries into her mirror and breaks it using her power*

Warlock: Holy shit, now she’s really gonna get her ass kicked.

 

*Margaret asks what the noise was*

D: Don’t talk back to me girl!

 

*Margaret leaves*

Warlock: The mom doesn’t see the mirror shattered?

 

*Girl wearing red shirt, overalls and red hat sits behind Tommy (William Katt)*

Warlock: Hey look its Mario….who doesn’t know howto change clothes.

 

*Mr. Fromm (Sydney Lassick) kisses Tommy’s ass for being a star athlete and making a wonderful poem. Carrie calls it beautiful. Mr. Fromm makes fun of her. Tommy “You suck.” Mr. Fromm “Did you say something?” Tommy “I said aww shucks*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Janitor cleans up graffiti that says Carrie White Eats Shit*

D: Jesus.

Warlock: These kids are BRUTAL.

 

*Helen (Edie McClurg) is in the gym class*

D: Recognize her?

Warlock: Yeah, the secretary from Buehler’s Day Off.

D: She was a lot thinner her.

 

*Miss Collins the gym teacher (Betty Buckley) yells at everyone. Sue, Norma (PJ Soles) the Mario girl and Chris. They all snicker at Collins until she drops a bombshell that they’re suspended from prom. They all freak out until Collins said she WANTED them suspended but instead they get in house detention with Collins. Anyone NOT attending is barred from prom*

Warlock: The heels get it in the wallet.

 

*Collins puts the girls through calisthenics for bullying Carrie*

Warlock: Haha apart from Helen, they’re all in shape anyway.

D: This is what bullies got back then?

Warlock: Gotta love the days of corporal punishment.

 

*Carrie thumbs through the library looking for miracles*

Warlock: Hahahaha.

 

*Chris refuses to run and Collins tells her to keep moving. Chris calls her a bitch and Collins slaps her*

Warlock: OH yeah!!!

 

*Chris tries to rally the girls to protest,they’re all scared of Collins so they refuse. Chris storms off and says this isn’t over*

Warlock: Classic heel line.

 

*Sue wants to talk to Tommy*

D: I’m pregnant.

 

*Sue wants Tommy to take Carrie to the prom*

Warlock: They cut before he could run away screaming with his arms flailing over his head.

 

*Chris is in the car with Billy Nolan (John Travolta). Freddy (Michael Talbott) pulls up*

Warlock: Heh, Switek from Miami Vice again.

D: Wasn[t he doing Welcome Back Kotter at the time?

Warlock: Yeah.

 

*The cops pull up and Billy drops the beer he was drinking on her*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Chris calls him a dumb shit, he slaps her*

Warlock: Lot of violence in this movie.

 

*Sue and Tommy watch a western. Tommy says he’ll ask Carrie*

Warlock: Only cost her 500 bucks.

 

*Billy calls Chris a pain right in the ass*

Warlock: Hahhaha

 

*Billy and Chris make out in the car*

D: I wonder when Travolta became a scientologist?

Warlock: Probably after being in this movie.

 

*Chris calls him a dumb shit again, he slaps her harder*

Warlock: He’s playing the same character he was in Welcome Back Kotter.

D: Well I’m sure he was told to do that.

 

*Chris goes down on Billy and keeps saying his name*

D: Is she saying this while sucking his dick?

Warlock: Not polite to talk with your mouth full.

 

*Chris says she hates Carrie. Billy “Who?”

Warlock: Yeah really. Talk about a buzzkill.

 

*Tommy uncomfortably tries to get to know Carrie*

Warlock: Yeah, really gonna impress him with sewing books.

 

*Tommy asks Carrie to the prom, Carrie runs away without answering*

Warlock: Your first rejection kid, get used to it.

 

*Carrie is distraught, Collins asks what happened. Carrie says Tommy asked her out on a dare*

Warlock: See, she’s not stupid.

 

*Collins tries to hype her up as beautiful and tells her to get ready for prom. Collins then asks Sue and Tommy what’s going on*

Warlock: Hahaha. This is awesome.

 

*Tommy asks what the big deal is. Collins says its a big deal to Carrie. Sue says she’s trying to help, Collins says its hurting her*

Warlock: All this for Carrie?

 

*Tommy knocks on Carrie’s door. Tommy “So this is where you live huh?”

Warlock: What kind of stupid question is that?

 

*Tommy reiterates that he wants to take her to prom on his own free will. She says she can’t go to prom. Her mother shouts for her*

D: Carrie, standing at the door is a sin!

 

*Tommy wants to ask her because she liked her poem*

Warlock: Nice recovery.

 

*Freddy, Billy, Chris and someone else walk to a pig pen*

Warlock: What the hell are they doing?

D: Getting a bucket of Pigs blood.

Warlock: They’re not gonna show it are they?

 

*Billy kills a pig*

Warlock: What the fuck?

 

*Carrie tells her mom she’s going to prom. Margaret says no. Carrie refuses to go to the closet. Margaret starts brow beating her*

D: This movie shows how awful religion can be in the wrong hands.

 

*Margaret refuses to listen. Carrie starts using her powers to shut the windows to the Psycho theme*

Warlock: What’s with the Psycho theme?

 

*Margaret tries to enforce her will but a now calm Carrie says her dad ran away with another woman, she’s going to prom and there’s nothing Margaret can do to stop her*

Warlock: That’s more like it.

 

*Back in the auditorium, Billy and Chris prepare the bucket of blood for a prank at prom*

D: This doesn’t make sense when the timecomes.

 

*Freddy asks Ernest (Anson Downes) he’ll be on the committee balot at 8 much to Chris’ delight*

Warlock: Yeah, this doesn’t make sense.

 

*Helen and Norma make fun of Carrie at the salon*

D: You’re one to talk four eyes. You’d be lucky to get a date with someone who works at Burger King!

Warlock: This reminds me of my high school, even the nerds made fun of people.

 

*Chris reveals her evil plot to Norma. Meanwhile Carrie gets ready for prom with a 70’s tune in the background*

Warlock: Gotta love the disco seventies.

 

*George (Harry Gold) and The Beak (Doug Cox) try on tuxedos with Tommy*

Warlock: Who the hell are these guys? Nice character development…not.

 

*Margaret makes fun of Carrie as she puts on lipstick. Margaret wants to burn the dress in the name of god*

D: Sad thing is, there are people like this in the fucking world.

 

*Margaret starts pulling her own hair and says the kids are going to make fun of her. Carrie uses her power to throw her down as Tommy arrives outside the house*

Warlock: Imagine if he walked in on this?

D: Yeah.

 

*Margaret curses her as she leaves*

Warlock: Wonder if she’ll be the final one Carrie goes after.

 

*Tommy and Carrie pull up to prom. Carrie is hesitant to walk inside. Tommy  “Are you scared?” Carrie “Mmmhmm”

Warlock: See, she’s not stupid.

 

*Vance or Towers plays at prom*

Warlock: Not exactly Thin Lizzy.

D: We couldn’t get Jimmy Page but we got the next best thing, the guy who once had a conversation with John Bonham.

 

*Norma dances at prom*

Warlock: She’s still wearing that god damned hat.

 

*Freddy and Norma laugh at Carrie*

Warlock: This is the first movie I can imagine where the movie is 90% heels.

 

*Slow dance music plays. Carrie doesn’t want to dance. Collins says they make a great couple. Tommy buzzes off as Collins and Carrie have a heart to heart. Collins says her prom date was a 6 foot 7 basketball player. She wore 3 inch spiked heels and their car broke down. She walked so far in those heels that she couldn’t dance, she could just sit and talk. So if that’s all Carrie’s doing, its not so bad*

Warlock: Actual character bonding.

 

*Tommy cracks a joke about not hugging other guys and Carrie smiles*

Warlock: Wow, an actual funny joke.

 

*Tommy asks if she wants to go to the after-party with him. Carrie says she’ll go*

Warlock: American Pie 20 years before.

 

*Tommy and Carrie dance*

Warlock: Wait a minute, this was 1976. That means Michael Bolton stole HIS hair.

D: Hehehehe.

 

*Tommy and Carrie bond on the floor. She’s nervous*

Warlock: A little word of advice, they’re just as nervous as you.

 

*Carrie kisses Tommy and asks why she’s here. Tommy says its the prom. Carrie doesn’t buy it. Tommy tries to make Carrie feel better*

D: I gotta re-read the book. I don’t remember Travolta being in school.

Warlock: Maybe he was a dropout.

 

*Carrie and Tommy laugh*

D: The sad part is he’s being genuine right now, that’s what makes what’s coming up so sad.

 

*Tommy and Carrie are on the Prom King and Queen ballot. Tommy explains if they win, they get their own private dance in front of everyone*

Warlock: Now it all makes sense. Why Freddy wanted to be on the committee and why the bucket of blood is placed where it is.

 

*Tommy and Carrie vote for each other. Tommy “The devil with false modesty” Carrie “The devil.” Meanwhile Margaret chops at the chopping board*

D: Jesus Chris lady its just the prom.

 

*Norma collects all the ballots with Freddy*

D: Her dress is hideous too.

Warlock: Take off that hat! Raise your right hand!

 

*Norma and Freddy kiss as a cover up to drop the real ballots and bring over the rigged ones to the teachers*

Warlock: I got a pretty good idea what’s about to happen, but imagine if she ran with it instead of getting horrified? She gets the blood dropped on her and she laughs it off, saying “good one guys!” The kids would have been stoned cold. They would have been beat at their own game.

D: Doesn’t make for a good movie though.

Warlock: Good point.

 

*Teachers count the ballots with Chris and Billy under the stage. Sue walks in to watch the proceedings. Tommy and Carrie win prom king and queen*

Warlock: Wow, never saw that coming…

 

*Carrie and Tommy slow motion walk to the stage*

D: Uh oh.

 

*Sue and Collins are happy for Carrie as she’s given the crown. Sue then notices the bucket of blood*

D: If she held on to the stage, it probably wouldn’t fall.

 

*Sue notices the bucket placement and Chris’ hands. Sue goes to stop Chris but Collins pulls her away not knowing Chris is there*

D: Teacher fucks it all up.
*Collins throws Sue out. Chris tips over the bucket and it drenches Tommy and Carrie. Norma laughs hysterically. The bucket falls down and hits Tommy in the head, knocking him out*

D: Knocked him the fuck out.

 

*Carrie hears her mother’s voice in her head and imagines everyone laughing at her. Freddy, Chris, Norma, etc try to make their getaway. Carrie then absolutely snaps. She stands on the stage covered in red and unhooks the sprinkler system, drenching everyone*

Warlock: Wanna bully me now???

 

*Sue is locked out, everyone else is locked in when Carrie bolts everything shut.  Collins checks on Tommy as Carrie uses the hose to electrocute Fromm and Morton*

Warlock: Collateral damage.

 

*Carrie crushes Collins with falling debris and she dies. The room is set ablaze and Carrie walks around methodically. Chris and Billy are watching up in the balcony. Carrie walks out of the school as its burning. She walks down the street as Billy and Chris try to run her over. She uses her power to flip the car and make it explode*

D: Sad part is, those were the only two that should have bought it. Everyone else suffered because of their bullying.

Warlock: Great lesson to teach the kids. Bully someone, they go insane and kill EVERYONE. Including YOUUUUU!!!!

 

*Carrie slowly walks up her steps and inside her house. The entire place is filled with lit candles*

Warlock: I can’t tell who’s more insane, her or the mother.

D: She’s not insane, she just was shit on too much. Sad part was John Travolta’s character was just trying to get laid. He had no idea who Carrie was until the prom night.

Warlock: Another lesson to teach the kids. Don’t do anything just for sex, it leads to trouble.

 

*Carrie turns the bath on and takes off her dress. She enters the tub and starts cleaning the blood off. Once she’s showered, she dresses and walks up to the attic. She hugs Margaret and she tells her that she was right. Margaret then cuts a promo that Carrie shouldn’t have been born. She reveals that Carrie was born out of wedlock. She starts stroking Carrie and says its time to pray, for the final time. She pulls out a knife and stabs Carrie in the back. Carrie tries to crawl away*

Warlock: Why can’t she use her power?

D: She will.

 

*Carrie finally uses every kitchen knife in the house to crucify Margaret and impale her. She moans sexually*

Warlock: Jesus Christ, Margaret’s getting off on this.

 

*Margaret dies while crucified*

Warlock: Mind if I eat?

 

*Carrie walks up to Margaret and pulls the knife out. Carrie then has the house collapse in on itself with Carrie and Margaret in the closet. The Jimmy Page Jesus gets a closeup*

D: Remember, the moral of the story is….religion sucks.

 

*Next frame is at Sue’s house. Mrs. Snell gets a phone call from Betty. Mrs. Snell says Sue is better but is sleeping to much due to being the only one left alive from that school*

D: Yup, even Tommy bought it.

 

*Sue has a dream about visiting Carrie’s house which is now a pile of rubble with a sign that says FOR SALE only with “Carrie White burns in hell” graffitied on it. Sue dreams Carrie’s arm grabs her and she wakes up in real time screaming*

Warlock: Stephen King, you are one sick fuck.

 

*End credits*

Warlock: Wow, that was good.

 

Thug D’s Assessment: Its a classic. Sure some things look a little hokey now, but for its time it was a great film. 8 out of 10.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I agree, it took you into the mind of someone who just wanted to be accepted and snapped in the end. You push someone too far and all hell breaks loose. The characters were 90 percent heels so you wanted everyone to die off. 8 out of 10

Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Amazing

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was interesting to say the least. Stephen King movie adaptations could go either way but this one was damn good. It had a great cast, everyone played their roles well and it wasn’t that far off from the book. It sucks what happened to Carrie as she only wanted a normal life, but that’s the breaks. Seriously though, wouldn’t it be cool to use telekinetic powers to terrorize people?

*Warlock flicks his wrist and the refridgerator door opens. He flicks it again and a can of pepsi shoots across the room into his hands*

Warlock: I wonder what its like.

D: You…can’t be serious.

Warlock: What do you mean?

*Warlock flicks his wrist and puts Monday Night Raw back on*

D: Nevermind.

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

170. One Man Force (1989)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a Big Island University #95 jersey with the name Kincaid on the back, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t thinks so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and then enters the lair*

Warlock: Tonight’s movie is a tribute to the late John Matuszak.

*Mr. America is sitting in the recliner wearing a Big Island University #85 jersey with the name Kincaid on the back*

America: I thought we were watching the football game.

Warlock: We are, but first a movie with a football player first.

America: Who’s that?

Warlock: John Matuszak was with the Oakland Raiders when they were the bad guys of the NFL. He was one of their defensive lineman when they won Superbowls 11 and 15.

America: So he’s doing movies now?

Warlock: Well he did, up until he died.

America: What?

Warlock: So let’s start tonight’s movie, One Man Force.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “In this action packed film, an L.A. cop speeds off to get revenge upon the dirty drug-dealing dogs who killed his partner.”

America: Cop seeking revenge for partner killed, sounds like other cop movies we’ve seen. Of course its a one man force, his partner died!

*Upbeat 80’s song over opening credits*

Warlock: I hear this song on sports montages all the time.

 

*Special appearance by Stacey Q*

Warlock: Oh god, didn’t she sing Two of Hearts?

America: Yeah, this isn’t good.

 

*Jake (John Matuszak) runs over cardboard boxes*

Warlock: Oh, nice.

America: Great driving.

 

*Jake puts pantyhose on his head and grabs his .44 mag*

Warlock: I like the gun if nothing else.

 

*Jake rips the door off its hinges*

Warlock: Gotta love steroids.

 

*Jake tries to pick a lock*

America: If he’s wearing a mask and concerned that people may see him, WHY IS HE ROBBING THE PLACE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?

 

*Shirley (Sharon Farrell) flirts with Pete (Sam J Jones)*

Warlock: Hey its Flash Gordon.

America: Are you sure?

 

*Jake goes to shoot Pete and Shirley but some kid pops up and a shootout commences*

America: I love how they’re using heavy calibur guns yet they sound like they’re silenced.

 

*Kid pops both Pete and Jake. Even the drunk RJ (George Flower) gets tagged. Pete and Jake drop. When Jake gets up,Shirley sprays everyone with water and they all laugh. They were using paintball guns*

Warlock: ohhhhhh, Wargames, nice.

America: Paintball guns, no wonder why they didn’t make any noise.

 

*Kid says he has to go to school. Jake says they have to meet McCoy (Ronny Cox). Jake got a tip from Chico (Daniel Rojo). McCoy tells them the answer is no!*

America: Hey its him!

Warlock: Mr Cohagen…or Dick Jones.

 

*McCoy’s office is being painted. He yells at Jake and Pete. He knocks over the paint telling them to get out. Jake storms off and Pete thanks the presinct because now he has to ride with this nut*

Warlock: Hahahaha.

 

*Jake and Pete pull up, Chico nervously tells them the deal is near. Jake grabs him, pulls his gun and says if this goes sour he’s gonna blow his head off and shoot his throat*

America: What a guy.

 

*Jake and Pete sneak around*

Warlock: Jake has food buried around here, I know it.

America: What the hell are you talking about?

 

*El Tipre (Tomas Goros) watches over the drug deal as a henchman starts shooting. A shootout commences with Jake and Pete tagging various vatos. El Tipre blows away Pete with a shotgun*

Warlock: Matuszak was a defensive lineman, that was a lousy pash rush.

 

*El Tipre gets away as Jake picks up a refrigerator and bullrushes one last vato with it*

Warlock: That’s more like it.

 

*Pete dies in Jake’s arms. Jake then awakes from a nightmare*

Warlock: So we imagined the whole thing?

America: I’m guessing no. Otherwise it wouldn’t be much of a movie.

 

*Newscaster says Pete is dead and Leah Jennings (Stacey Q) was kidnapped. Jake picks up Shirley and carries her to bed. Meanwhile the kidnapping is two guys in masks and uzis rushing the stage while she performs and dragging her away*

Warlock: Hahahahaha what? Nice security.

 

*Shirley begs Jake to stay with her until she falls asleep. Shes out cold within 8 seconds*

Warlock: That didn’t take long.

 

*The kid walks in, sees Jake in bed with her and walks out. Jake “Wonderful”

America: Great timing.

 

*Jake bullrushes a van and attacks Chico and his friends, tossing them out various windows and choking him*

Warlock and America: Hahahahaha

 

*Jake attacks Chico in a prison cell. Various officers restrain him. McCoy suspends Jake and Jake screams “FUCK YOU!” before he leaves*

Warlock: Jesus, this is quick.

 

*Leah’s manager (Dennis A Pratt) wants to hire Jake to find Leah*

Warlock: That’s the guy who wrote Leprechaun 4.

America: Oh god, shoot him now.

 

*Ronnie (Chance Boyer) is the kid’s name. He’s having a smokeout and Jake catches him. Jake says he’s gonna kick his ass and Ronnie screams his mother’s a drunk. Jake throws him on the bed and yells at him not to talk about his mother like that. He storms downstairs and Jake follows. Ronnie starts hitting the heavy bag and Jake apologizes. Ronnie says he has to go*

Warlock: This movie is moving way too fast.

America: Better too fast than too slow.

 

*Jake visits Hazel (Shirley Jo Finney) and needs to know about the kidnapping case*

Warlock: Hey its Wilma.

America: Who?

Warlock: Nevermind.

 

*Jake hits up the Blue Leather bar. Its S % M oriented with shirtless men in cages with a blonde girl in spandex*

Warlock: Get me the fuck out of here. I’ll take her though.

America: You do realize that she is probably a he.

 

*El Tirpe and his crew are there. He sicks the Slave Master (Tony Brubaker) and the Love Slave (Doc D Charbonneau) on him. Jake wipes out everyone in the bar using the love Slave as a tetherball*

Warlock: That was innovative.

 

*One guy takes a bump halfway up the wall*

Warlock: Oh-HO! That was a good bump.

*Two guys assist Jake and Jake shakes their hands outside only for them to turn on him in the alley. Jake wipes them both out and nearly is run over by El Tirpe. Jake chases after him*

Warlock: Like I said, they’re not wasting any time.

 

*Jake tails Tirpe and his crew home. Jake follows them in*

Warlock: Wouldn’t this be considered illegal search.

America: Considering he’s under suspension, I don’t think ANYTHING he’s doing is legal.

 

*2 vatos shoot at Jake. He runs off, whole gang chases after him. He grunts up the stairs*

Warlock: That was nonsense hahaha.

America: I love how everywhere he’s gone, he’s been found easily.

Warlock: Well he looks like a mack truck.

America: Well, in this, he didn’t even make it through the first hallway and someone found him.

 

*Jake busts through wooden door and drops two vatos. He knocks on door 410 and some short lady brings him inside. She makes him get undressed as 5 gang members barge in. She throws them all out and says she’s working. Jake escapes out the fire escape*

Warlock: Love how she threw all 5 of them out and they got guns, she’s about 5 foot 1 if that.

 

*Next morning Shirley shows Jake the newspaper, the manager that hired him isn’t the real manager of Leah. Jake smells a rat*

Warlock: That explains how they’re finding him, he was set up. Wow, they’re actually explaining shit in this movie.

 

*Jake finds fake manager dead in a bathtub with his wrists slit. The two guys from earlier arrest him, they’re undercover cops. Jake is thrown in jail, McCoy of all people bails him out. Jake says he figured out he’s not the real manager and this is related to Pete’s murder. McCoy tells him to stay away the kidnapping case*

Warlock: Hahahaha, yeah that’s gonna happen.

 

*Ronnie outside the police station taunts him for being arrested. He has a bruise on his face, he quit buying dope and they beat him up. Jake is proud of him. He jumps in the car with Ronnie as McCoy looks on. Jake trains Ronnie on the heavy bag*

Warlock: What is the point of this? Bonding moments? Hmmm, don’t know why. *shrugs*

America: Was that supposed to be a montage to show him improving? He’s gone from a sloth to a turtle!

 

*Jake tails a car*

Warlock: Who’s he tailing now?

America: This movie isn’t wasting any time so I’m sure they’ll tell us.

 

*Jake follows the two “cops” who work for Mr Adams (Richard Lynch). Jake poses as the janitor to get by the secretary*

Warlock: Yeah, janitors are 6’8 275 pounds normally.

*Adams tells the two guys that Santiago (Richard Lopez) is looking to make a deal. We switch to Jake talking with a stockbroker (Brian Tochi) about Adams and Trinity. Adams is laundering money and was behind the kidnapping*

Warlock: Hey its Takashi from Revenge of the Nerds.

 

*Adams gives a speech and his aide spots Jake*

America: He needs to take lessons from Waldo.

 

*Dante (Charles Napier) meets with Santiago and his girlfriend (Borovnisa Blervaque). One of the two “cops” is Wilson (Robert Tessier). Adams is laundering the money through Santiago and this people have Leah. Dante calls him an asshole and pulls out a badge. He says let Leah go or he’s dead*

Warlock: MURDOCKKKKKK!!!!!

 

*Jake watches intently as Dante and Wilson leave. El Tirpe tells Santago that Jake is there*

Warlock: He has all the stealth of an atomic bomb.

America: Told you.

 

*El Tirpe makes a drug deal, Jake follows his 1930’s sedan until a second car rams into him, another chase scene*

Warlock: Even when driving, they find him.

 

*Chico is driving the other car. Jake laughs at him and says he’s gonna get him. Jake plugs the vato next to Chico. He rams Chico into a pepsi truck which explodes. Next day McCoy asks what happened. Jake “If he wanted a soda he should have just asked.”

Warlock: Hahahaha!

 

*McCoy tries to get him to enter rehab to get his old job back. Jake says he’s not gonna give up the case just to get his job back. We get a training montage of Ronnie and Jake kicking ass on the heavy bag*

Warlock: There’s your improvement. He’s not a turtle anymore, what is he now?

America: I was wrong. He went from a freaking snail, to a sloth, NOW he’s a turtle.

 

*Jake hits up a club and eyeballs a hot chick, its Santiago’s girlfriend Blueberry*

Warlock: Her name is Blueberry?

America: What the fuck?

 

*Weekend Toiz plays at the club*

Warlock: This song sucks.

 

*Blueberry brings Jake back to Santiago’s place. They hit on each other and she says he’s away on business. She shoves him onto the couch and takes off her dress. Santiago then shows up and turns the light on. He insults her and asks what Jake wants. Jake is taken hostage and tied up in a barn*

Warlock: Went from one frame to that in 5 seconds?

 

*Jake spots Leah in a nearby barn and shouts that he’s a cop. He says he’s been looking for her. Jake uses his brute strength to try to escape the trap. Meanwhile a group of vatos show up*

Warlock: The guy with the shovel is up to no good.

 

*El Tirpe’s gang corners Jake and he flicks a knife. He removes his shirt and starts using Jake as a punching bag. He asks who Jake works for. Jake “Fuck…you!” Tirpe calls him a cabron, Jake counters with “maricon”.

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Tirpe goes apeshit on Jake with a shovel. They untie him and toss him in a crate. They nail it shut and put it in the back of a truck as Leah cries nearby*

Warlock: How’s he gonna escape this one?

America: He’ll find a way.

 

*Jake ecapes the crate as Pepe (Gary Carlos Cervantes) and El Tirpe laugh, thinking they got him. Jake knocks out Pepe without El Tirpe noticing*

Warlock: His stealth improved.

America: Its a miracle.

 

*Jake grabs Tirpe by the throat and shouts “You killed my partner!” The truck swerves all over the road. Tirpe grabs a gun and shoots Jake’s coat. Jake falls off but Tirpe drives into a ditch and the car explodes*

Warlock: What???? Nothing happened to cause an explosion. I’ve spun out like that and my car never exploded.

America: SPUN OUT? That’s not spinning out, that’s driving off a freakin cliff.

 

*Ronnie is confronted by the three bullies from earlier. He wipes them out by himself but then jumps up and says “Yeah I kicked some ass!”

Warlock: That cheesy line almost ruined a cool bully beatdown.

 

*McCoy gives the bad news that Leah was found dead. They investigate and find Santiago and his girlfriend dead along with Leah. Jake tells him Adams had them all killed to shut them up. McCoy tells him to lay off Adams, he’s too powerful. Jake says he’s got all the probable cause he needs*

Warlock: So he DOESN’T save the girl.

America: Nope.

 

*Jake confronts Mr. Jacobowitz (Richard Green) and says he’s under arrest for his gross income. He threatens him and Jacobowitz tries to run away. Jake pulls a gun on him and Jacobowitz says “You wouldn’t dare!” Jake shoots his ear off. Jake “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was loaded”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Jake demands him to sing. Jacobowitz says all he does is look away. Jacobowitz is recorded as saying the money comes from Mexico and drug money. Jake asks who gives the orders and Jacobowitz says its Adams. Jake brings the confession to McCoy and McCoy says inadmissible….but its true. McCoy says Adams is too big to bring down*

America: Oh please, its a movie. You’ll find a way!

 

*Jake has an idea but needs McCoy’s help. McCoy “I guess its time I listened to you.”

Warlock: Ya think?

 

*Tomas (Richard Leos) says Sparky (Josh Cruze) will be happy to see him. Sparky is in a wheelchair. They were in Vietnam together. Jake needs some munitions for a job. They set up a stakeout and McCoy brings an APC*

Warlock: Oh shit.

America: This just got better.

 

*Adams meets Jake in a flaming construction site. Adams threatens him with Dante…..and McCoy*

Warlock: Saw that coming.

 

*McCoy says Jake should have listened when he told him to lay off. Adams reveals he paid off McCoy’s gambling debts. McCoy tells Adams he doesn’t have the stomach for this anymore. Adams says let Dante kill Jake if McCoy can’t. McCoy pulls a gun on Jake and tells Dante to search him. They find a tape recorder which Sparky rigged to blow. Explosions happen all around as everyone splits up. McCoy shouts its a fake. Dante and McCoy start shooting at Jake. Jake blows away Dante as Adams calls for Wilson. Jake says McCoy is next*

Warlock: Finally the big finale.

 

*They shoot at each other until Jake shoots a barrell that explodes, killing McCoy. Jake “That’s for Pete!”*

Warlock: Great…

 

*Wilson pops out of the tank with Ronnie and Shirley as a hostages*

Warlock: Nice insurance policy.

America: OH boy, that’s an insurance policy alright.

 

*Adams tells Wilson to take care of them all as he runs off. Ronnie bullrushes Wilson and Shirley pulls a gun on Adams. Wilson and Jake fight one on one*

America: Ohhhh boy Adams you are in trouble. You got the pissed off wife after you!

 

*Wilson drops a pepsi machine on Wilson, crushing him. Ronnie and Shirley run fo it as Jake chases Adams*

Warlock: Was this movie sponsored by Pepsi or something?

 

*Jake corners Adams. Jake cuts a promo on Adams and continues to chase him around. “You kill our children, you poison their lives. You are a blight on the world.”

Warlock: I give it a 3, his delivery was kind of weak.

 

*Adams climbs a ladder up a billboard and kicks a paint can on him*

America: Did he expect a freakin Tom and Jerry scenario?

 

*Jake pulls Adams off the ladder and he gets caught in a rope, he bungee swings into a fire pit and is burned alive*

Warlock: Oooooh that was legit cool.

America: I was about to say that the force of the rope would have tore his hip out of the socket, but then he swung into the fire which rendered the whole thing useless.

 

*End credits*

Warlock: Good to know Al and King Kong’s cousin, Buzz Bundy worked on this movie.

America: Do you wanna know how much I care.

Warlock: Yes.

America: Not at all!

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4. It was a decent watch and I’ll give credit for advancing the plot, just would have liked some more development.

The Warlock’s Assessment: Fast paced, kind of corny, had some cool moments here and there. I give it a 5.5. Its watchable.

Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was the definition of B movie. Nothing special but not the worst either. Its a shame that shortly after the movie was released, Matsuzak died. He would have had a second career in movies had he lived. Both him and Lyle Alzado are proof that drugs and steroids don’t mix. That about wraps up another averagetastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

169. Batman & Robin (1997)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, a Sorrow Creek City Limits t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a diamond studded goblet of pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*The Warlock levitates, spins in a circle and enters the lair*

Warlock: Tonight we take a look at the fourth and final Batman movie that Tim Burton started in 1988. After the commercial success of Batman and Batman Returns, the series took a turn with Batman Forever in 1995 then completely fell off the cliff with tonight’s movie. That’s right, we’re doing Batman and Robin.

*Thug D is sitting in the recliner. He’s wearing a jean jacket with metal band patches on it, black jeans, sneakers and an Armored Saint t-shirt along with Oaklies*

D: Fall off a cliff is an understatement. It killed the franchise deader than shit.

*The Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: But is it as bad as the critics said it was in 1997? Let’s find out and begin Batman and Robin.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Batman and Robin try to keep their relationship together even as they must stop Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy from freezing Gotham City.”

D: That’s pretty cool.

 

*Opening credits*

D: They screwed this one up big time.

Warlock: Arnold Schwarzenegger should have been Bane, not Freeze. Bane’s supposed to be smart.

 

*Bruce “Batman” Wayne (George Clooney) and Dick “Robin” Grayson (Chris O’Donnell) get packed for battle*

D: He’s wearing the Nightwing costume.

Warlock: So?

 

D: He doesn’t get it until AFTER he leaves Batman.

*Alfred Pennyworth (Michael Gough) says he’ll cancel the pizzas*

Warlock: No Dominoes product placement.

 

*Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) says Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is trying to steal a diamond. Batman is on his way*

Warlock: Governor Arnold.

 

*Mr. Freeze starts freezing everything and all cops. Batman busts through the window and says “Hi Freeze, I’m Batman.”

D: Could he have any less enthusiasm while saying that?

 

*Freeze “You’re not sending me to the cooler”

D: If we had a drinking game going of taking a shot on every bad joke, we’d die of alcohol poisoning.

 

*Robin shows up and Freeze calls for his Ice Thugs. Batman and Robin start fighting them off*

D: *Sings the Batman TV theme*

Warlock: All that’s missing is POW, ZAP and BIFF!

 

*Robin goes to town with a hockey stick*

Warlock: That’s two minutes for high sticking.

 

*Freeze “What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!”

D: Great, an ice joke.

 

*Ice Thug (Stephan Desjardins) slapshots the diamond into Freeze’s hand*

Warlock: DESJARDINS SHOOTS HE SCORESSSSSSS!!!!!

D: He a real hockey player?

Warlock: Oh yeah.

 

*Freeze and Batman shoot to the sky in a spaceship*

D: Its a Goodyear Blimp on steroids.

 

*Freeze cuts a promo about killing Batman*

Warlock: This is the first time I’ve seen Arnold heel since Terminator.

 

*Freeze captures Batman and makes his escape. Robin drops in and frees Batman. They blow the rocket ship to save Gotham*

D: Hi, I’m George Clooney, I’m acting.

Warlock: That’s terrible, and this is the first fucking scene.

 

*Robin captures the diamond on a surfboard and slides down buildings. Robin “Cowabunga!”

Warlock: Really?

D: We’re so lame we have to rip off Ninja Turtles!

 

*Batman and Robin trail Freeze to his hideout. Freeze uses his freeze gun to freeze Robin. “Stay cool, bird boy.” Freeze says Batman can either save Robin or go after him. He laughs and gets away as Batman saves Robin*

Warlock: A hero to the end.

 

*Robin thaws “Did we get him?”

D: Another bad joke.

 

*Dr. Pamela Isley aka Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) does experiments and talks into a tape recorder. She enters a secret lab run by Dr. Jason Woodrue (John Glover). He is demonstrating a new steroid called VENOM. He uses a prisoner named Antonio Diego (Michael Reid MacKay) and pumps him full of it. He transforms into Bane (Jeep Swenson) and busts out of his chains*

Warlock: Its Ultimate Solution from WCW.

D: Couldn’t beat Hulk Hogan, maybe he could beat Batman.

 

*Bane starts beating the shit out of people and trashing the place. Woodrue spots Isley and whisks her away. Woodrue asks her to join him and Isley yells at him that she’s going to ruin him. Woodrue “I’m afraid you’ll have to die”

Warlock: What a terrible line.

 

*Woodrue shoves her down and dumps a bunch of poison on her*

Warlock: Yeah this is gonna end well.

 

*Bruce Wayne, Alfred and Dick watch security film of Mr Freeze’s real identity. He was the olympic athlete turned biochemist Dr. Victor Fries. His wife Nora (Vendela Kirsebom Thomessen) contracted a deadly illness and he put her into cryo-sleep until he could find a cure. He then got electrocuted and fell into his own cryo pool. His body mutated and he needs diamonds to keep his body at 0 degrees to survive*

Warlock: Hmmmm, so he’s like Harvey Dent. He’s a good guy who’s in the wrong place at the wrong time, now he blames Batman for everything!

D: No, he doesn’t blame Batman, he just wants to save his wife.

 

*Bruce has a flashback of himself when he was younger falling down and Alfred picking him up*

D: That was the worst looking fall.

Warlock: He didn’t want to take a bump.

 

*Poison Ivy busts in on Woodrue. She explains her lips are full of poison and she kisses Woodrue dead. She cuts a promo on how plants will take back the world*

Warlock: So she’s another Catwoman where her boss turns on her and she goes nuts looking for revenge?

D: You see a pattern developing?

 

*Freeze hangs out as his lair. His gang are nearly frozen. One of them (Stephen Ito) refuses to sing. Miss B Haven (Vivicia Fox) tries to hit on him but he says he’s in love with his wife. Freeze calls for Frosty (Joe Sabatino) and reveals his evil plan to take over Gotham and freeze it so he can find a cure. He goes into a secret room where his wife is in stasis. “Soon we will be together once more. Soon”

Warlock: Not much of a heel if his plan is to save someone’s life.

 

*Barbara Wilson (Alicia Silverstone) rings the doorbell. Bruce calls for Alfred but he’s nowhere to be found*

D: “God dammit Alfred what do I pay you for?”

 

*Alfred emerges and says sorry he overslept*

D: “You’re fired!”

 

*Dick opens the door and sees Barbara. “Please tell me you’re here for me.” She says she’s looking for Alfred, her uncle. She gives backstory that her parents died and she was raised by her grandmother. Bruce invites Barbara to live with them and Alfred complains. Bruce and Dick are happy*

D: “I’ll show you my…special room.

 

*Barbara and Alfred share bonding moments*

Warlock: If nothing else we get character development.

 

*Barbara dons biker gear and sneaks out the window. She steals a bike and rides off*

Warlock: Stealing a bike from the most powerful man in the world?

 

*Gossip Gerty (Elizabeth Sanders) reports Batman will be presented with an award in Gotham Observatory. Ivy and Bane are on their way. Dr. Isley shows up and confronts Bruce. Bruce says Dr. Woodrue was a lunatic and is glad his lab burnt down. Isley cuts a promo about how the planet is dying and humans are destroying it. Bruce says if they do things her way millions of people will die. Isley says its acceptable losses*

D: “Yeah, millions of people, no big deal.”

 

*Isley cuts a promo as she’s walking away from Bruce saying she’s going to take over Gotham*

D: Yeah, nobody can hear me in this missile silo.

 

*Freeze watches his wedding video. Frosty walks in with a newspaper and Freeze shoots him. “I hate when people talk during the movie.” He finishes the video and says “One more diamond.” He looks at the newspaper Frosty was holding that says Bruce Wayne is donating diamonds and gets an idea*

Warlock: Bait taken.

 

*Batman and Robin are auctioning off diamonds when Poison Ivy in a Gorilla suit does a striptease for the crowd. Robin can’t believe his eyes*

D: Doesn’t get much more hotter than that costume.

Warlock: Grayson is about to cream himself.

 

*Ivy introduces herself and blows Batman a kiss. She then blows Robin one too*

D: Its a serum.

 

*Ivy takes the diamonds and puts them around her neck. Batman and Robin outbid each other when Freeze busts in and starts freezing people. Everyone scatters as Batman and Robin fight off the Ice Thugs. Suddenly Freeze confronts Ivy and she blows him a kiss. He says “Pheromone dust, designed to warm up the heart….doesn’t work on the cold blooded, hand over the diamonds.”

Warlock: Haha.

 

*Freeze grabs the diamonds and leaves as Batman and Robin continue fighting off the thugs. Freeze makes his exit as Bane reveals himself with Ivy*

Warlock: Great, Its 3 against 2. Bane, Ivy and Freeze against Batman and Robin. What a Survivor Series.

 

*Batman and Robin take off after Freeze. Batman turns off Robin’s bike so he can’t make a dangerous jump. He screams in anger*

Warlock: This means war!

*Batman finally captures Freeze. Next frame Robin confronts Batman about trust. Robin quits and storms off. Meanwhile Alfred is sending a will to his brother he can’t find*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Bruce asks Alfred if he’s really too selfish and Alfred says yes and explains why. Later Barbara returns with the bike and takes down Dick with a judo flip*

D: That’ll teach him.

 

*Barbara runs off and we cut to Arkham Asylum*

Warlock: Wouldn’t Riddler be in there?

D: Yeah actually.

 

*Freeze is thrown in a cell by two guards (Jesse “The Body” Ventura and Ralf Moeller). Jesse calls him Frost Face*

Warlock: This movie may set a record for most United States Governors in one movie.

D: Well Jesse and Arnold were both in Predator and The Running Man.

Warlock: Aww crap, you’re right.

 

*Ivy talks with Bane wearing a trench coat and fedora. Bane crashes into a wall and the Ultimate Warrior gang is there. Bane scares them all away as Ivy redecorates with her ivy. Meanwhile Bruce and Jane (Julie Michaels) are on a date. Bruce kisses her but sees Ivy instead. He calls out Ivy and Jane doesn’t like it. Dick tries to identify her as Barbara rides off again. Dick takes off in hot pursuit*

Warlock: Yeah this is gonna end well.

 

*Barbara runs into Banker (Coolio) and enters a bike race against Spike (Nicky Katt). Dick enters as well and the race begins*

Warlock: Love how Coolio is randomly here.

 

*Spike and Barbara go neck and neck with Grayson trailing. Spike’s gang cheats to wipe out the competition. Grayson and Barbara go flying and they reveal themselves to each other. Back at Wayne Manor she explains why she’s a street racer. She says she was kicked out of Oxford for racing. Barbara then reveals that she’s there to get Alfred out of there because she doesn’t like how Bruce treats him. She says he’s really sick and walks off. Bruce from behind says he’s not sick, he’s dying. Dick can’t believe it*

D: “Who’s gonna do the dishes? Who’s gonna clean the bat suits?”

 

*In his cell Freeze makes a snowglobe. Ivy visits him and blows kisses to both guards. She kisses Ralf and Jesse, killing them both. Bane busts through the storage locker where Riddler and Two Face’s clothes are*

Warlock: Great reference. Only one problem….

D: Two Face died in Batman Forever.

 

*Ivy and Bane are there to bail out Freeze. Freeze arms himself and blows through a wall and they all jump below*

D: Hope he can swim.

 

*Bruce confronts Alfred about his illness. Later Batman and Robin hit up Freeze’s lair and find Nora. The trio of terror are below. Ivy says she’ll take out Batman and Robin as the pheromones go through the air vent. Batman takes on Bane as Ivy tries to seduce Robin. Then Batman switches with Robin. Freeze makes a beeline for his wife as Commissioner Gordon goes for the kill switch. Finally Ivy seduces Robin as Bane makes his exit. Robin and Batman  fight and the heels get away. Batman pushes Robin into an ice cream vat. Ivy then hits the kill switch on Nora, goes back to Freeze and says Batman did it. He believes her and says he’s going to destroy the world*

Warlock: Love how he believes her.

 

*Freeze tells Ivy to distract the Bat and Bird while he prepares to freeze Gotham. Meanwhile a dying Alfred is visited by Dick and Barbara. He has stage 1 of McGregor’s Syndrome. Even Bruce is distraught. Dick and Bruce talk about how Alfred has what Nora has only on a smaller scale. It can be cured. Dick then goes delusional about Ivy loves him and he’s sick of being in the shadow. Meanwhile with Barbara by his side, Alfred’s dying wish is to find his brother Wilfred and hand him a package*

Warlock: Oh geez, now what?

 

*Isley seduces Gordon at the Observatory into giving away the Bat signal’s location. While she seduces Gordon, Bruce catches whiff of the pheromones. Meanwhile Freeze and the Ice Thugs pack for battle. Bane destroys the bat signal and turns it into a Robin signal*

Warlock: Come on….

 

*Barbara tries to hack her way into the encrypted cd Alfred gave her. Meanwhile Bruce visits Alfred. They share bonding moments. Meanwhile Barbara cracks the code and discovers his research for new Batman stuff. Meanwhile Robin is still delusional but Bruce breaks through to get him to trust him*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*Bane and Freeze hijack the observatory and start building a giant freeze cannon. Meanwhile Barbara goes to the Batcave*

D: How many intruders are there?

 

*Alfred’s simulation allows Barabara access and she has her own batsuit. She suits up as the camera zooms in on her ass*

D and Warlock: Yum….

 

*Robin drives to Ivy’s lair and confronts her. Robin wants Ivy to turn over a new leaf*

Warlock: Hahahaha.

 

*Robin tricks Ivy into giving away her secret and the evil plan. She kisses Robin…and nothing happens. Robin had on rubber lips. She shoves him into an ivy water pit. Batman confronts her and her vines tie him up. All of sudden Barbara busts in as Batgirl and they fight one on one. Ivy reveals she killed Nora to Batgirl. Batgirl kicks Ivy into her own Venus Fly Trap*

Warlock: Little Shop of Horrors motherfucker.

 

*Barbara: “Its me guys.” Robin “Guess we’ll just have to kill her.” Batman “Yup, we’ll kill her later.”

Warlock: I’d love to see that.

 

*Freeze “Let’s kick some ice”

Warlock: No….

 

*Freeze turns Gotham into a giant ice cube as the trio of heroes race to stop him*

Warlock: Ready for the big climax?

D: Yeah…hopefully its not Halloween Havoc Warrior/Hogan bad.

 

*Freeze tells Bane to kill Batgirl and Robin but leave Batman to him*

Warlock: Time to fight.

 

*Batman fights off Freeze as Batgirl saves Robin with a batarang. Meanwhile Batman makes the big comeback. Batgirl and Robin are snatched by Bane. Robin and Batgirl kick the tube out of his head. He turns back into Antonio Diego. Meanwhile Batman knocks Freeze off a platform and uses the freeze cannon to ricochet off satellites to unfreeze Gotham*

Warlock: Hoorayyyyy

 

*Freeze hits his insurance policy, a giant bomb that blows the observatory. Batman, Robin and Batgirl use their harpoons to make it to safety. Batgirl then unfreezes Gotham completely*

D: This is what would happen if Ed Wood made a superhero movie.

 

*Freeze asks Batman to kill him like he killed his wife. Batman reveals she’s not dead, he got to her just in time. He plays a tape of Ivy admitting to it. Batman then calls him by his real name and begs for his help to cure McGregor Syndrome. Freeze pulls two vials out of his arm. “Take two of these and call me in the morning”

Warlock: A face turn!

D: Not a cold joke? Its a fuckin miracle.

 

*Bruce hooks up the vial to Alfred and hopes he’s okay*

Warlock: Awwww

 

*Freeze is Ivy’s cellmate at Arkham. He says her life will be a living hell. Winter has come at last*

Warlock: You spoke too soon.

D: Fuck.

 

*Alfred walks over to Barbara and Bruce, he’s cured. Dick runs over and asks why Batman didn’t save him. Bruce says he can do it on his own. Dick thanks him. Barbara says they’re all partners now. End credits*

Warlock: The…End.

D: Finally.

 

Thug D’s Assessment: 2 out of 10: Trash…..its the fucking blueprint on how to kill a franchise. Batman Forever was good for its time, but they didn’t even fix those problems, they just added to them here. Its a steaming pile of shit. Horrible movie.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5 out of 10….to me I had fun even if it was too cheesy for words. The ice jokes got a little old and there was WAY too much supporting talent to be THIS bad. George Clooney showed zero emotion at all but then again, he’s not supposed to. When you have Coolio, Governor Arnold, Jesse The Body, Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Pat Hingle, Ralf Moeller and Michael Gough in the same movie and most people think its trash, what does that tell you?

Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10: Trash

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was was disappointing. The Tim Burton/cheesy Batman series ended with a whimper following this movie after each one following the 1988 adaption was a step down from the prior. The good news was the series went away long enough for fans to get the bad taste out of their mouths in time for the big return to seriousness with Batman Begins in 2005. Once again, this movie had way too much talent to be this downward. Its still worth a watch but only if you know what you’re getting into. That about wraps up another suerhero adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

168. Used Cars (1980)

*Mr. America walks up to the lair. H’s wearing white, cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. He opens the door and does a double take. He takes his aviators off*

America: What…the….fuck….

*The lair has been decorated with various posters, pictures and decorations all out of 1997. There’s a Spice World poster above the TV, instead of the laptop there’s a Hewlett/Packard Desktop with Windows 95 and AOL 2.5 with a 28.8 K modem attached. On the far side wall is a 1997 Chicago Bulls NBA Champions poster. There’s a picture frame of President Clinton where the picture of Mr. Wallstreet, Mr. America and Warlock along with Ooga Booga used to be. The big screen high def tv is now an old analog Panasonic with a Toshiba VCR underneath instead of the dvd player. The PS3 has been replaced with an N64. The Warlock is busy installing a rotary phone in the corner. He’s wearing an nWo t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades*

Warlock: Oh good, you’re here.

America: I know you recently watched Rocky Horror Picture Show but I didn’t think you were going to do an ACTUAL time warp. What the hell is this?

Warlock: I’m glad you asked. Tonight we are doing a tribute to 1997 here at the lair.

America: A tribute…to 1997.

Warlock: Exactly, in honor of tonight’s movie.

America: You know….this could be cool in a weird sort of throwback way, but WHAT’S WITH THE SPICE WORLD POSTER??

Warlock: I borrowed it from Lady T, what do you think?

America: You were better off with Hanson.

Warlock: No no, that was 1996.

America: So what movie from 1997 are we doing?

Warlock: Used Cars.

America: The hell is that?

Warlock: Its got Kurt Russell and Jack Warden. Here’s the tape.

*Warlock hands America the VHS tape of Used Cars*

America; Oh great, a video cassette.

Warlock: Its 1997, DVD’s weren’t invented yet.

America: Could have gone with lazer disc.

Warlock: Nah, too expensive, even then.

*America glosses over the back cover and facepalms*

America: You are a complete moron.

Warlock: Why?

America: You said this was a tribute to 1997 right?

Warlock: Yeah and?

America: THE MOVIE CAME OUT IN 1980 YOU IDIOT!!!!

*Warlock grabs the tape from America and looks it over*

Warlock: Oh…shit.

America: Perfect, you mosquito brain, couldn’t even get the right year.

Warlock: Well we may as well watch it anyway.

*Mr. America notices the recliner has been replaced with a wooden rocking chair*

America: Hey, where’s the chair?

Warlock: I didn’t have the recliner in 97, that’s the Grand Wizard’s TV chair from back then.

*Warlock sits in an old polyester laden couch*

America: Hey wait a minute, that’s my grandmother’s old couch!

Warlock: I know, your mom let me borrow it.

America: You gotta be kidding.

*America takes his seat*

Warlock: Well let’s get this movie started, Used Cars!

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “When the owner of a struggling used car lot is killed, it’s up to the lot’s hot-shot salesman to save the property from falling into the hands of the owner’s ruthless brother and used-car rival.”

America: I can’t think of anything, too distracted by the damn Spice World poster.

 

*Move opens at New Deal Used Cars*

Warlock: I know its 1980 but those cars look ridiculous.

 

*Rudy Russo (Kurt Russell) turns the odometer back from 98 thousand miles to 33*

America: A likely trick.

 

*Opening credits to Stars and Stripes Forever as Rudy goes around making shitty cars less shitty*

Warlock: Its Lex Luger’s theme song.

America: The bumper just fell off!

 

*Roy L Fuchs (Jack Warden) in the Roy L Fuchs Auto Emporium spits on one of his cars when Rudy says hi. Rudy “Same to you asshole”

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Manuel (Alfonso Arau) brings a yellow taxi cab painted blue for Rudy to sell. Manuel says he’s got 250 cars for him to sell. Rudy says he can’t. Later Rudy scares Jim the Mechanic (Frank McRae). Jeff (Gerrit Graham) follows Rudy. He’s superstious and he says red cars are bad luck*

Warlock: Are they really bad luck?

America: NO!

 

*Rudy hands Jeff a flier that he’s running for Senator*

Warlock: Would you vote for him?

America: Nah.

 

*Rudy uses the dollar bill on a fishing pole trick to reel in a customer*

America: Hahahaha. I like how he put the dent in the car do.

 

*Stan (Beans Morocco) is conned into buying a piece of crap Buick by Rudy*

Warlock: I’m trying to envision Kurt in an eye patch after seeing this and its not working.

 

*Roy tells Sam Slaton (Joe Flaherty) that he’s pissed that the city is going to build a ramp that runs right through his car lot*

Warlock: The heels established.

 

*Rudy puts a bumper sticker on the Buick and the bumper falls off. Rudy “Aww shit, wasted a perfectly is good bumper sticker*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Luke Fuchs (Jack Warden, dual role) is the nicer older brother of Roy. He wants Rudy to be more honest. Rudy says he only does it because he needs 60 grand to run for Senator. Luke has Toby the dog with him. Rudy tells Luke he wants a better life for himself*

Warlock: Doesn’t every 80’s movie begin like this? Local boy wants to make good and be a star?

 

*Rudy runs through his plan as Luke tells Toby to fetch a Philips screwdriver. He brings the wrong one*

Warlock: Poor dog.

 

*Rudy laments that he needs 10 grand to go. Luke says he’ll give it to him in the morning. Rudy celebrates and Luke nearly has a heart attack. He’s got a bad ticker*

Warlock: He’s got a bad ticker.

America: Yup.

 

 

 

*Luke says he wants Rudy to protect his Lot from his brother once he’s senator*

Warlock: Good point.

*Sam tells Roy that he should set the place on fire and collect the insurance money. Roy says he’s better off inheriting it when Luke dies. Sam tries to be reasonable and say that’s his own brother and Roy says “Eh just a dream.” Sam says he has a daughter and Roy says Luke hasn’t seen her in ten years. Roy then notices Luke is having heart problems so he yells out for Carmine (Harry Northup). He wants to bring in Mickey (Michael Talbott) the demolition derby driver*

Warlock: What is he up to?

America: Something rotten.

 

*Mickey shows up in front of New Deal*

Warlock: Hey look its Switek from Miami Vice.

America: Where’s Zito?

 

*Mickey spots Jeff checking out some girl he’s trying to sell a car too. Rudy is busy trying to make a deal so he’s out of the way. Mickey then asks if Luke is a salesman but he ignores him because his daughter Barbara (Deborah Harmon) called. Mickey asks if the 57 Chevy is any good. Luke says its his personal favorite. Mickey says $2,400 is too much but he’ll test it anyway. Mickey buckles up and then drives the car like a demolition derby.  Swerving in an out of traffic, bumping off everything*

Warlock: I’m not used to seeing Switek as a heel, this is new.

 

*Mickey rolls the car a few times and runs off after Luke rips his Roy L Fuchs armpatch off*

America: Why don’t you go and check?

 

*Luke staggers out of the car as Charlie (Andrew Duncan) says $50 dollars never killed anyone. Rudy says “When my boss sees this he’s gonna have a stroke” and he leaves. As soon as he gone, Luke staggers in gagging and clutching his chest. Charlie “Ok ok Its a deal ITS A DEAL!”

Warlock and America: Hahahaha

 

*Charlie empties his wallet and signs the contract as Rudy tries to save Luke’s life. Meanwhile Jeff is getting it on with the woman in the back of the car he was showing her*

America: Hahahaha what?

 

*Luke dies in Rudy’s arms. Rudy finds the patch that says (Roy L Fuchs Pre-Owned Automobiles*

Warlock: He just figured it out.

 

*Roy spies on the office as Jeff trips over Luke’s dead body. He keeps shouting “Jesus Christ!” Rudy tries to calm him down. Meanwhile Roy calls Sam and says they need to visit his brother in the morning, bring the probate papers*

Warlock: Not prostate you idiot, probate!

 

*Jeff says to call the cops and Rudy argues that the cops will think he had a heart attack and Roy inherits the lot. He argues that he made a promise to protect the place. Rudy’s plan is to bury Luke in his 57 Chevy in a pit he constructed. Jim and Jeff are skeptical as Rudy gives a speech about how he’s a good man and to drive over the curb one last time*

Warlock: I’m inspired, aren’t you?

America: No, I’m not.

 

*Rudy, Jeff and Jim bury the pit and cover it with dirt. Next morning Roy shows up. “Aren’t you a little big to be playing in the fucking mud?”

Warlock: Hahahahaha.

 

*Rudy tells Roy that Luke took a trip to Miami Beach. Roy says that’s bullshit and he knows Luke is dead. Rudy bullshits him and says to get lost before he calls the cops. Sam and Rudy leave as Toby chases them away. Jeff brings up the battle plan of having Eddie (Michael McKean) and Freddie (David L Lander) hack into the big football game that night to air a commercial for New Deal*

Warlock: I think its safe to say Toby the Dog is best supporting actor.

America: For once I’ll agree with you, I’ll go with that.

 

*Jeff is scared they’ll get arrested, Rudy brings up that they just work there. Anyone who complains has to bring it up to Luke*

Warlock: Brilliant.

 

*Eddie sneaks around hooking up the hacking devices*

Warlock: This…is Spinal Tap

America: Hello Cleveland!

 

*Margaret (Cheryl Rixon) is sitting on a car, modeling it. Jim notices the car is red and laughs to himself. Rudy asks where the sunglasses are and Freddie hands him Groucho Marx disguises instead. Rudy is pissed. Jeff doesn’t want to put the glasses on because he’ll look ridiculous*

Warlock: Would you wear those?

America: Uh, I’m good.

 

*The game is hacked as Jeff puts the glasses on and goes into the commercial…until he sees the red car. He freaks out and Margaret goes to leave but she gets her dress caught on the hood ornament. Rudy tries to save it by barging in trying to shill the cars. He pops the hood and it rips her dress clean off. A family notices her bare tits as Freddie zooms in on them. The father rips the remote away from the mom*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha.

 

*Next morning Rudy says their stunt was a success. He enlists Jim and Toby to  help himself and Jeff to sell some cars*

America: Even the dog is recruited.

 

*Montage of Rudy and Jeff bullshitting customers while Jim bullies his, “Just get in the fucking car!”*

Warlock and America: Hahahahahhaa

Warlock: That’s the best tactic ever.

America: I will admit that was entertaining.

 

*Mr Ghertner (Woodrow Parfey) protests on behalf of his Driver’s Ed class. Rudy says the piece of crap cars are what kids are supposed to be driving*

Warlock: Good point.

 

*Jeff makes Toby play dead under the car and places a rock under the wheel. The father drives off and Jeff acts like Toby was run over*

Warlock: That is so cheap.

America: I wouldn’t stoop THAT low.

 

*Jeff fakes crying and the father says he’ll buy the car so Jeff stops crying. The kids fall out of the station wagon into the mud*

Warlock: Hahaha.

 

*Roy and Sam lament Rudy’s success. Roy has bought a circus to come in to draw customers. Meanwhile across the street Rudy and Jeff has hired strippers. All the customers run from Roy’s lot over to New Deal*

Warlock: This is like Animal House only with used car lots instead of frat houses.

 

*Jeff and Rudy get into the dance act*

Warlock: Well this was 1980, the weird transition year from disco to dance pop.

 

*Strippers disrobe*

Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*Cars crash into each toher when the girls disrobe*

Warlock: Hahahahhaa

 

*Roy gets on the air but Sam says they can sue for slander if Roy says anything. Roy correctly points out only Luke can sue but he won’t*

Warlock: Good point.

 

*Rudy plays Hail to the Chief on his stereo*

Warlock: Really?

 

*Rudy opens his fridge and the only thing in it is celery, beer and a safe with money in it*

Warlock: That’s a lot of celery.

 

*Rudy goes through his answering machine full of girls*

Warlock: New Barry Manilow record?

 

*Jeff calls Rudy and says to turn on TV. Roy slanders them and Rudy gets pissed*

Warlock: Why’s he getting pissed?

 

*Rudy’s counter move is to jam President Jimmy Carter (himself) presidential address. Freddie, Eddie, Jim and Rudy are in but Jeff is skeptical. Rudy says he had Jim spray nuns with a hose who protested. Jim “Yeah I knocked the motherfuckers on they ass too”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Their plan is to cut into the address at 9:03 PM tomorrow night*

Warlock: You got the plan?

America: Uh huh.

 

*Jeff hits the deck and says a woman outside pulled up in a red car*

Warlock: She’s got great legs.

 

*Jeff “Don’t let the little head do the thinking for the big head*

Warlock: Good advice.

 

*The woman is Barbara, Luke’s daughter. She sees right through Rudy’s bullshit as Jeff freaks out inside the office*

America: Heh!

 

*Rudy shills the car but she shills right through it. He asks if she’s with Nader’s Raiders*

Warlock: I voted for Nader in 08

America: Oyyyyyy

 

*Rudy says Luke is in Miami Beach and Barbara cries. Rudy figures out its Luke’s daughter and he slams the car door on his own hand*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Rudy and Barbara share bonding moments at the bar*

Warlock: Is this the obligatory character development scene?

America: Something like that.

 

*Barbara goes to leave and Rudy puts the sob story on her then goes and sits down. She goes back to him and says she’ll stick around for a few days. Back at the shop Jim shouts at Rudy to get rid of her. Jeff says courtesy of Daphne, he’s got a one way train ticket to Miami. At dinner the next night Rudy contemplates telling her the truth or continue. The waiter picks up the ticket and hands it to him just as he was about to tell the truth. Rudy then goes with the lie but Barbara doesn’t want to go anyway*

Warlock: Well that didn’t work.

America: Nope.

 

*Eddie hacks into the white house satellites*

Warlock: You’d think they’d have better security there, right?

America: You would think.

 

*Jeff and Jim are dressed up and ready for the commercial. Jeff is nervous because he’s full of valium. Freddie “This is a test pattern”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Rudy freaks out on Food Giant (Tiny Wells) to distract Barbara from the TV and he runs outside. When he gets out there he thinks he’s okay until he notices the TV store window next door*

America: Heh, hahaha.

 

*Rudy kisses Barbara as the commercial kicks in. The commercial is Jeff dressed as a cowboy “We’re going to blow the living shit out of high prices”. He then takes a shotgun to various cars in Roy’s lot*

Warlock: None of this is legal is it?

America: NO!

 

*Jim hops up dressed as High Prices and Jeff shoots him. He has blood packets so its ok. Jeff then blows up a 1977 Mercedes with dynamite as Roy says “YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

Warlock: That’s hilarious.

America: If she catches him kissing with open eyes, she’s gonna know something’s up.

 

*Jim and Jeff hop in Eddie’s van and drive off. Later on Rudy bullshits the police saying insane Iranians caused the explosion*

Warlock: Yeah, right in the middle of the Iranian Hostage Crisis.

 

*Roy jumps out of a car and attacks Jeff. They have a huge fight with Toby locked in the bathroom*

Warlock: He’s like 60!

America: How did these guys expect him NOT to get this mad? He’s putting up a good fight though.

 

*Roy decks Jeff with a right cross and whacks him with a wooden chair. He goes to strab Jeff with the broken picture frame and realizes Luke is buried in the pit*

Warlock: Uh oh, he figured it out.

America: Yup.

 

*Roy doggie digs until he finds the Edsel. He cheers until Toby runs over and chases him off*

Warlock: Best supporting actor, right?

America: Yes! Go get em boy!

 

*Toby pisses on Jim to wake him up. He runs out after him screaming*

America: Hahahahaha

 

*Toby alerts Jim to the digging. Meanwhile Rudy and Barbara engage in pillow talk.  Jim calls him frantically and Rudy answers after the machine picks up. He runs off to help him but doesn’t tell Barbara what’s up. Rudy lies and says Jeff got in a fight and he has to bail him out*

Warlock: That’s not gonna work is it?

America: Probably not. I’m trying to figure out if the red car thing is real or just made up for the movie.

 

*When she’s alone, Barbara listens to the answering machine and Jim reveals that Luke is dead and buried, Roy knows and they need to do something. Barbara starts crying*

America: Welp, she knows now.

 

*The next morning the entire police force shows up with Sam and Roy. They’re going to dig up the pit. Roy says they buried his brother and Rudy says not at all, he’s back. Roy can’t believe it. Nearby Jim douses the unearthed car with gasoline and says “Woooh shit he stinks”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Jim and Toby rig the car to drive and it flies off. Rudy spots the car “Oh there he comes now”. Sam “Jesus he IS still alive.” The car then plows through traffic and explodes when it hits the power transformer*

Warlock: Good thinking.

 

*Roy says touche to Rudy. He says he kept out of jail but the lot is now his. Rudy then says the lot is Barbara’s who’s staying over his place. Roy punches out Rudy and nails Jeff as well. The cops haul Roy away as Barbara fires Rudy, Jim and Jeff. She wanted the truth, he bullshitted her so he’s fired. She slaps him*

America: Had that coming.

 

*Few days later Rudy tries to sell a bike but can’t. Jim, Jeff and Rudy are all crashing in Rudy’s trailer. Rudy is still 5 grand short. Jeff says to bet on Denver in that night’s football game. He put 10 dollars down since the game is in Denver against Kansas City. Rudy gets a phone call from Mr Caldwell of the senate committee. He needs to bring in the 60 grand tomorrow or he’s out*

Warlock: Bet on Denver?

 

*Carmine steals a script of the commercial Barbara is going to film. She hasn’t sold a car in 4 days. She’ll be bankrupt in 3 weeks. Roy gets a phone call and he says she’ll be bankrupt, the guy on the other line says forget about his lot because the mayor okay’d the freeway building through his lot. Her filmed commercial says she has a style of cars for them to choose from. Roy’s TV hacker (Dave Adams) switches style with “mile”. That means she’s guilty of false advertising*

Warlock: Brilliant.

 

*When the commercial airs, Jim and Jeff say she’s fucked because of the false advertising. Mr Ghertner confronts Rudy at the bar. He says he’s about to lose his job. They go to have a fight but Rudy notices Denver is kicking ass. Rudy reveals he bet 40 grand on KANSAS CITY. Jeff is shocked*

Warlock: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 

*Jeff begins throwing salt, crawling under the step ladder near the bar, opening umbrellas and asks if anyone’s got a black cat*

Warlock and America: Hahahahahaha

 

*Kansas City beats Denver as Jeff smashes a window, Rudy wins 40 grand*

Warlock: Don’t you love to win 80 grand?

America: He spent the whole movie trying to get this money and he just got that cash in about 5 minutes by betting on the game.

Warlock: Yeah.

America: Then why is this even a movie?

Warlock: Well, he needed the money by tomorrow, otherwise he would have waited.

 

*Rudy hands over the money to the mayor’s aide. The aide reveals that Barbara is going in front of court in 5 minutes to face false advertising charges. At the courthouse, Roy is mad he’s got “Hanging” Judge Harrison (Al Lewis) who’s legit, not on the take. Sam says Harrison gave a kid who stole a case of beer, 35 years of hard labor. Back in the car,  Rudy runs out of the car with his money and hitches a ride to court*

Warlock: And now he comes to save the day.

 

*Judge Harrison walks in chewing tobacco*

Warlock: Hey look its Grandpa Munster.

America: So it is.

 

*Harrison “This court….is now..in session”

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Barbara takes the oath as Rudy literally falls into court and sits down*

Warlock: Nice way to make an entrance.

 

*Harrison shines up a pair of handcuffs as Barbara submits to questioning*

Warlock: Ironic as Jack Warden was on 12 Angry Men.

 

*Sam “Do you have a mile of cars to sell on your lost?” Rudy silently shouts at her to say yes. She says “Yes” and the court goes nuts.*

Warlock: How are they gonna pull this off?

 

*Harrison asks her if she really has a mile of cars and she says yes. Sam says she needs 250 cars to pull it off. Rudy says she has the 250*

Warlock: Ohhhhhh I get it.

 

*Harrison calls a recess and court will resume at 2:45 PM at New Deal to count the cars. Meanwhile Rudy hands over the money to Manuel for the 250 cars he has. Manuel asks how he’s going to transport the cars. Meanwhile Mr Ghertner shows up with the 250 kids he was teaching*

Warlock: Oh my goddddddd, he’s gonna have the driver’s Ed kids drive the cars. So there’s your plot, he blows his Senate seat to rescue Barbara and the Used Car lot.

 

*Ghertner rides with Nervous Nona (Wendie Jo Sperber)*

America: Holy shit! She was in 1941.

Warlock: Yeah, that’s Wendie Jo Sperber.

America: Of all the movies to recognize from, I’m the only one to say 1941.

Warlock: You’re right, I know her from Back to the Future.

 

*Jim says they’ll have 18 feet of free space so they’ll need every car available. Jeff is in his own car, another car drives a tow truck, Rudy and Barbara are in the lead truck driven by Jim*

America: How many takes do you think it took to have all 250 cars drive off safely and not ram into each other?

Warlock: I’m sure Robert Zemeckis had it figured out.

 

*They drive by the desert*

Warlock: Isn’t that the setting for Red Dead Redemption?

America: Oyyyyyy

 

*Rudy says everyone needs to go 75 miles per hour*

Warlock: Floor it motherfuckers!

America: Love how nobody else in on the road.

 

*Gertrude (Judy Began) and Poindexter (Bill Wine) argue over driving legality. Gertrude says they can’t fine her because she doesn’t have her license yet. The cops flash the noise behind her and she slams on the brake causing the towed car to fall off and the trooper to crash. She floors it and drives off. Jeff walkie talkies Rudy and saying they lost their 18 foot advtantage. Rudy tells Jeff to take the point to make sure there are no other cops. He drives on ahead and spots a road block*

Warlock: Oh great, a road block.

 

*Carmine, Mickey and Roy take off after the convoy once Mickey hears about it*

Warlock: Here they come.

 

*The entire convoy goes off-road as Jeff continues on*

Warlock: They had metal cars, they can take it.

America: No they can’t, the shocks and axle are gonna be fucked! The only thing that won’t be are metal frames.

 

*Rudy, Sam and Mickey drive off after the convoy as Jeff drives past a road crew. The water reveals Jeff’s car was red all along*

Warlock: Uh oh.

 

*Harrison says he should be playing golf. Meanwhile Roy has pulled up in his own pickup truck. Carmine drives as Mickey and Roy jump up. Mickey has a gun and threatens Jim. Mickey falls on the hood and Jim punches through the window to knock him flying*

America: That works.

 

*Roy swings a tow chain that knocks Rudy flying. Roy then threatens Jim and goes to swing at Barbara with a wrench. Rudy jumps on one car after another to make it back to the pickup. Nona “What am I supposed to do when someone’s standing on the hood of my car?”

Warlock: You come to the ring, and carry a wrench.

America: Geronimo!

 

*Rudy punches Roy off and the day is saved…..until Jeff realizes he’s driving a red car, screams, pulls over and runs away*

America: Saw that coming.

 

*The convoy makes it to the lot but nearly destroys it by parking all at once*

Warlock: Still one car short.

America: That just turned into a fairgrounds demolition derby attraction.

 

*Mr Ghertner says Nona should get her license in another state*

Warlock: Hahahha.

 

*Sam shows up by himself with Judge Harrison. Jim starts celebrating until he realizes Jeff is not there. Rudy has to talk Jeff into forgetting about the redness. Toby was riding with Jeff*

America: The dog really is the best part of the movie.

 

*Rudy convinces Jeff to get going. He literally pulls up to a tow truck, hijacks the tow lever and gets rid of the other car. He uses a ramp to jump a moving train*

Warlock: Yeah that’s realistic right?

America: Uh…..well….in theory, yes.

 

*Roy runs up and says they cheated, Sam says they’re one car short. Roy starts laughing but Jeff pulls into the final space. He’s still 2 inches short and Roy pounds on Jeff’s car to celebrate. The pound causes the license plate to fall, Harrison counts the inches and says CASE DISMISSED!”

Warlock: Yeah, that was fun.

 

*Roy yells at Harrison and Harrison has him arrested. Sam tries to jump ship to work for Barbara now that Roy is out of business. An old lady (Mildred Brion) asks if that’s yellow paint, Barbara says its yellow primer. End credits*

America: Yup, she’ll do.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I’ll give it a 5. It was entertaining but nothing special. Toby the dog was the best part of the movie.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it an 8. I laughed my ass off at how simple, stupid and entertaining it was. It was unrealistic yet almost every scene had a least something important or something to laugh at. I love how Jack Warden was able to play two completely different characters.

Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very Good

 

*America rises from the rocking chair as Warlock remains seated*

Warlock: The best way I can put this is that this movie is the equivilent to Animal House only witdueling Used Car lots instead of frat houses. It pretty much was a harbinger of the cliche 80’s where local boy wants to leave his every day job behind for stardom and remains there at the end. Although since this was 1980, I guess it wasn’t really a cliche at that point. The actors were solid, the plot was easy to fopllow and I had fun watching it.

America: Well I’m glad you did, I’m getting out of here.

Warlock: Where you going?

America: Back to 2016, this is ridiculous.

Warlock: Ah ah ah, I got Goldeneye for N64.

*America heads for the door but then stops in his tracks*

America: Say that again?

*Warlock flicks his wrist and a nearby N64 cartridge is tossed to America, who catches it*

America: Why didn’t you say so? Hell yeah!

*America runs toward the console and puts the cartridge in before hitting the start button*

Warlock: You forgot to blow on the cartridge.

*America tosses him one controller and picks up another before taking a seat in the wooden chair*

America: Why don’t you blow me?

Warlock: Gonna blow you away in a minute.

America: Yeah right!

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

167. The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

*The Warlock opens the door to the lair. He’s wearing a white t-shirt, sneakers, black leather jacket, blue jeans and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass bottle of pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates before entering the lair*

Warlock: Tonight we have a real treat. A movie not picked by me, but by Lady T.

*Lady T is in the recliner wearing a flowing red dress, she purrs at the camera. Neyzor Blades is on the left side of the couch wearing standard attire, she has her arms folded*

Neyz: Bullshit! I picked out the movie, its been one of my favorites for years!

Warlock: Ok fine, you picked it out.

T: hey, I wanted to watch it, technically I picked it.

Warlock: Both of you pick your noses then. Tonight’s movie is the cult classic Rocky Horror Picture Show. Released in 1975, its been one of the most talked about movies for 40 years now. Since there is a god awful remake out now, we may as well watch the original.

*Warlock takes his seat next to Neyzor Blades, she lays her head on his chest and he wraps his arm around her*

Warlock: So let’s kick off Rocky Horror Picture Show.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A newly engaged couple have a breakdown in an isolated area and must pay a call to the bizarre residence of Dr. Frank-N-Furter.”

Neyz: Why aren’t you in pajamas?

T: This is the temperature it is right now.

 

*Movie opens with singing lips*

T: Lips for days

 

*The song is Science Fiction by Richard O’Brien over the opening credits*

Neyz: Do you want a frankenfuter with mistard?

T: Super pink!

 

*At a church, Betty (Hillary Farr) and Ralph (Jeremy Newson) are married.  Janet (Susan Sarandon) and Brad (Barry Bostwick) are a couple but aren’t married yet*

T: Half-shat!

 

*Brad sings Dammit Janet*

Neyz: I smell poop.

Warlock: They’re in Denton, Texas?

 

*A farmer (Richard O’Brien) and his wife (Patricia Quinn) sing montone with them*

Warlock: What the hell is this?

Neyz: Its a musical.

Warlock: Oh god…..

 

*The preacher (Tim Curry) joins the farmer in his wife as they enter the church singing. Another lady (Nell Campbell) was with them*

Neyz: Hahaha

Warlock: Oh, so these are the actors looking normal.

T: Duh!

 

*The Criminologist (Charles Gray) narrates the intro*

Neyz: Look, its you with all the books.

Warlock: I’M Charles Gray??

Neyz: Yeah.

Warlock: Hardly.

 

*Brad and Janet were on their way to see Dr. Everett Scott (Jonathan Adams) when they broke down*

T: Now we get spooky.

 

*Brad and Janet are listening to Richard Nixon (himself) resigning as President on the radio*

Warlock: Ha, that’s his actual resignation speech.

 

*Brad and Janet see a popped tire and head to the castle they saw earlier. The sign on the gate says “Enter if You Dare”

Neyz: My favorite song is coming.

Warlock: Over At Frankenstein’s Place?

Neyz: No!!!

 

*Brad and Janet perform Over at Frankenstein’s Place*

Warlock: Motorcycle gang.

Neyz: Came to party!

 

*Riff Raff (the farmer) spies on the couple*

Neyz: I think he wrote most of the songs.

Warlock: Try ALL of them. This was his play originally.

 

*The Criminologist continues the narration in his office*

Warlock: Ok Blofield.

 

*Brad rings the doorbell*

T: That’s the weirdest doorbell I’ve ever heard in my life.

 

*Riff Raff opens the door with a weird helloooooo. Brad answers with a preppy “Hi”

Neyz and T: Hahahaha

 

*Riff Raff “You’re all wet” Brad “Yes, its raining”

Warlock: Heh!

 

*Brad “This is probably a hunting lodge for rich weirdos*

Warlock: Really dude?

 

*Riff Raff says they have arrived. Magenta (farmer’s wife) and Riff Raff go into Time Warp and we get a music video*

T: This is your favorite song?

Neyz: No

Warlock: No…MINE

 

*Warlock stands, flings his jacket off, sings along perfectly with the music video*

Neyz: Will you stop?

T: I thought you’ve never seen the movie.

 

*Columbia (another lady) goes into her solo*

Warlock: Time ain’t nothin

 

*Brad smiles along with the chorus*

Warlock: Love how Brad is having a blast and Janet looks ready to run away.

 

*Columbia dance solo*

T: Can you imagine your mother dancing to this?

Neyz: YES!

 

*Criminologist “Its just a jump to the left…put your hands on your hips”

Neyz: My favorite part is coming up.

 

*Entire dance party collapses*

Neyz: That’s me right there.

 

*Brad admires the dancers as Janet wants to leave*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Dr Frank N Futer (preacher) comes down in an elevator with a beat*

Neyz: NOW its my favorite.

 

*Frank N Futer goes into Sweet Transvestyte*

Neyz: Yes!

 

*Neyz stands up and sings along*

Warlock: He reminds me of Paul Stanley.

 

*Futer blows off Brad and Janet to sing with Riff Raff, Magenta and Columbia*

Warlock:Heh.

Neyz: Just a sweet transvestite.

 

*Frank: “Antici……….”

*Janet and Brad lean in, so does Warlock, T and Neyz*

 

*Frank: “……pation”

Warlock: Mastur………..

Neyz: Don’t go there.

Warlock: …..bation.

T: He went there.

 

*Futer “So come up to the lab, see what’s on the slab”

Warlock: Iconic.

 

*Magenta pulls Brad’s pants down and he doesn’t even acknowledge it. Brad and Janet get disrobed*

Warlock: Love how he goes along with it like nothing is happening.

 

*Riff Raff drops the champagne bottle*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Brad cuts a promo on Dr Frank and Frank says he’s a perfect specimen of manhood. Riff Raff says the experiment is ready. Dr. Frank with Magenta and Columbia by his side gives a speech while pulling on a rubber glove*

Neyz and T: Hahahahahaha

 

*Frank pulls back a curtain and reveals an android in a water cube. Frank calls out to Riff Raff to kick up the voltage. 2 whole minutes go by*

T: Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhattttttttttttttttttttttt

 

*Rocky Horror (Peter Hinwood) comes alive and his singing voice (Trevor White) sings The Sword of Damoclese*

Warlock: Testiclese, the God of courage

Neyz: Heh, Frank n Futer is so funny.

 

*Frank N Futer in high heels runs after Rocky as Riff Raff dances along*

Warlock: Pffft what the hell?

 

*Columbia says its “okay” and Frank gets pissed. Frank asks Janet what she thinks, she doesn’t like a musclehead. Frank “I didn’t make him for YOU.”

Warlock: Hahaha.

 

*Frank goes into I Can Make You A Man*

Warlock: Awww what a sweet serenade…..gross.

 

*Eddie (Meatloaf) makes his appearance riding through a wall on a motorcycle. Eddie performs Hot Patootie (Bless My Soul)*

Warlock: Why is he here again?

Neyz: Cause of Columbia.

 

*We get another music video. Eddie plays the sax*

T: Yeahhhhhhh

Warlock: Frank is completely unimpressed.

 

*Riff Raff and Magenta make their exit as Rocky dances along, Frank shoves him into the elevator. Eddie rides his motorcycle up the stairs where Frank grabs an ice pick. The song ends and Frank kills him with the ice pick*

Warlock: Wow, a cold blooded murder. What a party.

 

*Frank lets Rocky out of the elevator. “It was a mercy killing” Frank resumes singing I Can Make You A Man*

Warlock: So we’ll just pretend Meatloaf was never there.

 

*Frank jumps in Rocky’s arm. Back at the Criminologist, he’s got a copy of EC Comics’ Weird Fantasy*

Warlock: Weird Fantasy was a fun comic. Maybe I AM this guy.

 

*Brad and Janet are forced to sleep in different rooms. Frank is disguised as Brad and he climbs on top of her. He reveals himself and he starts kissing up on her. Janet initially resists her. He then sweet talks her into doing it with her*

Warlock: Wow, unfaithful much?

 

*Riff Raff and Magenta are plotting something. They spot Rocky sleeping*

Warlock: What’s he gonna do, ass rape him?

Neyz: No.

 

*Riff Raff chases Rocky with a giant candle stick*

Warlock: Why?

 

*Riff Raff kisses up on Magenta. Meanwhile Frank runs into Brad’s room and he comes on him. Frank kisses up on him and repeats the same scene with Janet. Frank goes to get it on with Brad*

Warlock: No wonder this has a cult following.

Neyz: Highly controversial.

 

*Riff Raff video calls Frank and says Rocky has escaped. The dogs has been sent after him. Susan cuts a promo on Brad before she finds Rocky on the ground. He rubs her hand. We go back to Criminologist who narrates emotion. Magenta and Columbia watch on TV as Janet performs Touch Me*

Warlock: Bummmmmmm

T: Meowwwwww

Neyz: To to to touchhhh me.

 

*Frank lashes Riff Raff with a bullwhip for letting Rocky get away. Until Raff notices Dr. Everett Scott at the door*

Warlock: Here comes the rival.

 

*Frank browbeats Brad about him being a friend of Scott’s*

T: Good times.

 

*Scott goes around and around in a wheel chair until he crashes. Frank “Great Scott!”

Warlock: Oh, so that’s where Doc Brown got it.

 

*Scott is there because Eddy was his nephew. Before anything else happens, Rocky and Janet pop up naked. Magenta bangs on a gong and says dinner is prepared*

Warlock: Shoot em!

 

*The Criminologist narrates the dinner where Riff Raff, Magenta, Brad, Janet, Scott, Columbia, Rocky and Frank attend*

Neyz: Magenta looks amazing in that outfit.

 

*Riff Raff spills wine everywhere*

Neyz: He’s just slopping all over the place.

 

*Frank puts on a birthday hat and sings happy birthday to Rocky*

T: I want his hat.

 

*Columbia shouts out “Eddy”and Frank buzzes a turkey cutter at her*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Columbia leaves and cries. Dr Scott then performs Eddy for the crowd*

Neyz: Heh.

 

*Riff Raff and Magenta sing along*

Warlock: What a guy.

 

*Frank reveals the dead body of Eddy. Everyone screams and runs away. Frank then performs Planet, Schmanet, Janet. Brad can’t move*

T: Look how close together his eyes are. I can’t stand it.

 

*Janet figures out Frank is building a spaceship*

Warlock: Well this just got all sorts of….

 

*Frank continues to sing and Brad joins in shaking his fists*

Warlock: Mr. America would be proud.

 

*Frank turns Brad, Janet and Scott into anatomically correct statues. Columbia cuts a promo on Frank about how much he sucks and preys about people. She says choose between her and Rocky. Frank turns her into a statue as well. Frank “Its not easy having a good time”

Warlock: Hahaha.

 

*Frank cuts a promo on Magenta and Riff Raff*

Neyz: Riff Raff is like “I’m totally stoned….”

 

*Back at the Criminologist, he cuts a promo himself on the beginning of the end*

Warlock: Finally.

 

*Frank dresses the statues up in lingerie and they perform Rose Tint My World when he unzaps everyone*

Neyz and T: Hahahahahahaha

Warlock: An orgasmic rush of lust.

 

*Janet starts crooning*

Warlock: I think she looks better like this with makeup on.

 

*Frank performs Don’t Deam It in front of an old makeshift RKO radio tower*

Warlock: Fay Wray…King Kong.

 

*Scott is unzapped and even he has nylons and high heels on*

Warlock: Und….

T: Ahhhhhhhhh oh my god.

 

*Everyone swims in a pool then does a choreographed dance routine on stage*

Warlock: Can’t imagine how many takes they needed with someone laughing.

 

*Riff Raff and Magenta bust in while in their natural alien look. Frank says he can explain*

Warlock: How?

 

*Frank performs I’m Going Home*

Warlock: What is this?

Neyz: Its his story.

 

*Frank gets a standing ovation from an imaginary crowd*

Neyz: Thank you, thank you.

 

*Riff Raff and Magenta said only they are going back to Transylvania…not Frank. Scott says he has a lazer. Brad says why kill Frank? Scott said he killed Eddy. Riff agrees with Scott. Scott says Frank must pay. Columbia screams and Raff shoots her dead*

Neyz: Hello…to Oblivion.

 

*Frank tries to climb up the wall but Riff shoots him dead. Rocky is distraught and starts climbing the tower like King Kong with Frank in his arms. Riff Raff keeps shooting him but he’s unaffected. Then Rocky and Frank fall into the pool, dead*

Warlock: So much for them.

 

*Scott says Raff did well. Scott apologizes for Eddy’s death and tells him, Brad and Janet to leave. They’re transporting back to planet Transsexual in the galaxy Transylvania. Magenta laughs and Riff calls her his sister*

Warlock: Now it makes sense.

 

*Magenta does a soliloquy intertwined with the Time Warp*

Warlock: Nice mashup.

 

*The castle rocket shoots to the sky leaving Scott, Janet and Brad behind in lingerie*

Neyz: The things popping out again.

 

*Back to the Criminologist, he narrates the ending. The human race are insects, lost in time, space and meaning. He leaves as we get another rendition of Science Fiction. End credits*

Warlock: Its over.

 

Lady T’s Assessment: That was very interesting. It was not my favorite movie but with saying that, I enjoyed myself watching it. I LOVED the music. I give it a 6.5 out of 10.

Neyzor Blades Assessment: Its very controversial. It grew on me over time. I give it an 8 out of 10.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I thought it was amazing for its time. 1975 was right in the middle of the most racist and misogynist era in Hollywood, so for this to break out of the pack with its androgynous overtones makes it a trendsetter. I give it an 8 out of 10 for the amazing soundtrack, ground breaking sexual themes and its story.

Final Grade: 7 out of 10 – Great.

 

*The Warlock, Neyzor Blades and Lady T all rise*

Warlock: Well that was a lot of fun, what say you?

 

*Lady T breaks out into Dammit Janet*

 

*Neyz breaks out into Sweet Transvestyte*

 

*Warlock breaks out into Time Warp*

 

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.