158. Abraxas: Guardian of The Universe (1990)

abraxas

*The Warlock and Mr America are watching the main event of Wrestlemania 3 in the lair. The Warlock is in the middle of the couch wearing a Degeneration X t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades.  Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white camo fatigues, vestand hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

Warlock: Its almost movie time.

America: Shut up its Hogan.

Warlock: But we’re on a…

America: Shut up its Hogan!!

*America picks up the remote and throws it behind him*

Warlock: Well that was stupid.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and the remote levitates back to Warlock*

America: Shut up its Hogan!

*Hulk finally pins Andre the Giant amd the show ends*

America: As it should be, Hogan wins.

Warlock: Well Hogan is not in tonight’s movie but someone we just heard is.

America: Who?

Warlock: Tonight is a fan request. We’re going to take a look at Jesse “The Body” Ventura in…ABRAXAS!

America: What the hell is that?

Warlock: I dont know, lets find out.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and switches over the VHS to DVD*

Warlock: Its time for Abraxas.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “An alien “policeman” arrives on Earth to apprehend a renegade of his own race who impregnates a woman with a potentially destructive mutant embryo.”

America: Alien policemen? Where the fuck have you been since humankind came into existence?? Also….WHAT???

 

*Opening song has catchy late 80’s beat over the credits*

Warlock: Yeahhhhhhh, that’s what I’m talking about!

America: What, credits??

Warlock: No, the song!

 

*credits*

Warlock: Who the hell is Michael Copeman?

 

*Abraxas (Jesse “The Body” Ventura) does a voiceover explaining how torture works on his home planet. He gets tortured to make him stronger*

Warlock: So this is supposed to make him stronger?

America: Yeah.

 

*Abraxas says he’s been on the police force for 10,000 years*

Warlock: Wow, looks great for 10,000 years old.

 

*Abraxas says his target is Secundus (Sven-Ole Thorson), his ex-partner on the force who goes renegade*

Warlock: Not THE Renegade right?

America: No, not him.

 

*Two guys discuss sending Abraxas after Secundus, they establish that if Secundus knocks anyone up, the planet is in big trouble*

Warlock: Ok, get your rubbers ready.

 

*The two guys discuss the situation and what Abraxas has to do*

Warlock: At least they’re giving us backstory and explaining the plot. Better than the garbage we’ve seen lately.

 

*Abraxas and Secundus shoot at each other in a winter setting with laser weapons, each giving voiceovers*

Warlock: Martin Scorsese would be proud.

America: Up until now they were competing to see who had worse aim.

 

*A car with New York license plate pulls up*

Warlock: They’re on Earth already?

 

*Carl (Ken Quinn) tries to put the moves on blonde girl. Secundus shows up and pulls Carl out of the car through the window. The girl’s name is Sonia (Majorie Bransfield). Abraxas gets a voice message (Marylin Lightstone) saying Secundus has a girl. Secundus runs over Carl but plows into a snowy ditch, Sonia makes a run for it*

Warlock: You better run.

America: Better fun for your life.

 

*Secundus chases Sonia as Abraxas chases both of them. Secundus catches her first, puts his hand on her stomach and a voice says she’s pregnant now*

Warlock: Well that was easy.

 

*Abraxas catches up to Secundus who says he already knocked her up. Abraxas asks why he turned heel, Secundus says he wanted to have immortality and the child will be a living God. Secundus is apprehended but before he’s transported, he says he wins. The voicebox says Abraxas has two minutes to stop the birth of the demon*

Warlock: Well this is going to be a very short movie if he’s successful.

 

*Abraxas lets the birthing happen. Dar (Damian Lee) and Hite (Jerry Levitan) are unhappy. Sonia calms her newborn baby*

Warlock: Oh yeah, good luck explaining this one. “Hi mom, hi dad….I just had a baby in one night”

 

*Sonia goes to throw the baby into the river*

America: Don’t do it!

Warlock: Do it! End the movie!

 

*Sonia walks away. She tells her dad (Robert Naismith) and mom (Kris Michaels). Her dad throws her out of the house. She tries to register the baby but she doesn’t have the father’s name and the clerk (Layne Coleman) yells at her. Next scene is a voiceover by Sonia saying its been 5 years and Tommy (Francis Mitchell) her son doesn’t talk*

Warlock: Wait, 5 years? Is Jesse on vacation?

America: I’m lost.

 

*The female nurse (Sonja Belliveau) says he has functioning vocal chords but never uses them. Meanwhile Secundus escapes again, Dar and Hite yells at Abraxas. Abraxas says they should have executed him. Dar says they can’t execute a “Finder”. Abraxas says he’ll go get him*

America: I give up.

Warlock: Secundus just escaped.

 

*Abraxas in a voice over says wormhole travel is very dangerous. They crossed the streams and he’s screwed. He crash lands in water*

Warlock: See, they should have listened to Egon. Don’t cross the streams!

America: Wrong movie.

 

*Meanwhile Sonia and Francis share bonding moments as Abraxas gags and flails in water*

Warlock: Hahahah what?

 

*Principal Latimer (Jim Belushi) gives Sonia the business for not having a father*

Warlock: What the hell is Jim Belushi doing here?

America: I don’t know.

 

*Latimer says Tommy is going expelled for his own safety. Sonia says just tell the kids to stop bulluing him. Latimer says he didn’t think of that and will try*

Warlock: WHAT? He’s the goddamned principal! Wowwwww

 

*Secundus voiceover explains his situation as he runs through the woods. Abraxas is close behind*

Warlock: Oh boy, a chase scene.

 

*Abraxas and Secundus fight, Secundus gets the upperhand and Abraxas goes flying. Secundus then goes to a camping family (John Blackwood, Rae Johnson and Adrian Burnett). He intimidates the dad into giving him the car keys*

America: So you’re about to lose your car and the first thing that comes to mind is “Wait, I have good insurance?”

Warlock: Yeah, not very manly.

 

*Abraxas dives on the camper driven by Secundus but he’s thrown off*

Warlock: Oops.

 

*Deputy Johnny (David Mitchell) asks out Sonia but she doesn’t give him an answer. Maxie (Al Timmer) walks in and Johnny leaves*

America: Here’s your love plot folks.

 

*Abraxa stops a Winnebago and says “Stop! Stop! Could you please provide me with ground transportation?”

Warlock Hahaha nice one.

 

*Sheriff Sharp (Michael Copeman) gives Johnny a pep talk. Meanwhile Abraxas explains his situation to the camper family. Meanwhile Secundus starts knocking over glass bottles of pepsi*

Warlock: Heyyyy!!

America: That’s a waste.

Warlock: You can kill all the humans you want but leave my drinks alone.

 

*Garage owner (Michael Scherer) asks Secundus what he’s doing*

America: Oh he’s gonna get fucked up.

 

*Secundus fries the dude and steals the dude’s clothes. He charges his answerbox. Meanwhile Abraxas says he can find the families car using his answerbox. Meanwhile Sheriff gives Johnny a tongue lashing. Abraxas voiceover says Secundus has found Tommy and he runs to stop him. Secundus kills the registry clerk and his secretary*

Warlock: Can’t say I’m sorry to see that.

 

*Irate woman (Kathy Tapin) complains to Secundus and he snatches her. Abraxas, Sheriff and Johnny barge in but Secundus takes their guns and runs off with the woman. The trio run outside after them and Secundus shoots at them, missing completely. He shoots some random guy in the leg. Johnny jumps on Abraxas who throws him off easily. Secundus takes off on a motorbike. Abraxas runs after him*

America: So when a bad guy is miles away, he flags people down for transportation. When he’s 10 feet away, he runs after them. Nice logic.

Warlock: He’s gotta get his cardio somewhere.

 

*Tommy is bullied by 3 kids (Tyrell Janos, Jason Turnpenny) the leader is Willy*

Warlock: Hah, that’s Ventura’s real life son. Remember he used to shout out to his kids Terry, Tyrell and Jade? That’s Tyrell.

America: Lovely.

Warlock: Even his son’s a heel.

 

*Tommy uses mind control to make Willy wet his pants. Later Willy corners him in the bathroom and says its payback time. Tommy uses telekinesis to throw Willy into a bathroom stall and flush his head in a toilet*

Warlock: Worst bully ever.

 

*Betty (Lee Anne Simms) the babyshitter shares bonding moments with Sonia and Tommy. They walk outside and she dances around*

Warlock: What am I watching?

 

*Betty and some kid watch tv as Secundus breaks in. He spots the wrong kid and Abraxas dives through the window after him*

Warlock: Love how he knew exactly where to go.

 

*Secundus and Abraxas fight again, Secundus impales him with a broken lamp. Secundus taunts him as Abaraxas crumbles*

Warlock: Wow, some hero.

 

*Abraxas’ answer box heals him as Sonia runs in. Sonia confronts him and gives him the business for putting her into this situation. Meanwhile Secundus runs into some guy (Johnny Askwith) and steals his car, running him over after he says he needs to find exotic dancers. Meanwhile Sonia, Tommy and Abraxas says they’re going to see Maxie for help. He turns off his answerbox as Dar and Hite are unhappy*

Warlock: What the hell is their problem?

 

*Sheriff asks the kid, now known as Jack (Zion Forrest Lee) what happened.  Meanwhile Sonia and Maxie put the kid to bed, for 5 seconds before the kid gets up and visits Abraxas in his room*

Warlock: Hahahaha.

 

*Abraxas tells Tommy the story of him and Secundus as Johnny and Sheriff hit up the mini mart. Rosa (Johanna Householder) is instructed to put the food on Sheriff’s tab. Back at the house, Abraxas tells how Secundus turned heel. Sonia catches them and sends Tommy to bed. Abraxas tells Sonia how Tommy could be evil and Secundus role in all of this*

Warlock: You get all that?

America: Sure.

 

*Stripper (Sarah James) dances onstage*

Warlock: This movie just got better.

 

*Secundus beats the shit out of the bouncer (Alex Rouge) after asking a guy in a wheelchair (Leo Armoffe) if there’s women here*

America: I find it entertaining 3 or 4 guys got knocked out before she noticed.

 

*Secundus intimidates the stripper and then leaves. Meanwhile Sonia takes a shower and Abraxas goes bug eyed when he sees her naked body*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Johnny and Sheriff drive around, Johnny says its aliens. Sheriff scoffs*

Warlock: 31 minutes left.

America: Ughhh, you had to say that?

 

*Sonia shares bonding moments with Abraxas. Two waitresses (Ellen Dubin and Kate Healey) argue over who serves Secundus. One of them says a man that murdered 3 people isn’t going to sit down and order breakfast. Johnny and Sheriff continue to yap at each other*

Warlock: Can we progress the story now?

 

*Abraxas and Sonia share a kiss*

Warlock: Here we go…

 

*Answerbox says Tommy is gone. He leaves a goodbye note and runs away. She reads the note and freaks*

Warlock: So much for the romance.

 

*Secundus polishes off a whole menu and asks where the school bus goes to, The waitress hands him the bill and he eats it. Says “Merry Christmas”

Warlock: Hahahahahaha. I’m gonna do that next time I’m in a restaurant. I’m gonna just eat the bill and walk out.

America: Just…ugh…not even gonna go there.

 

*Sheriff and Johnny crash their car when they see Secundus, get out and start shooting at him with an uxi. The bullets do nothing.

Warlock: Where’d the get the fucking Uzi?????

America: I’ve never seen that.

 

*Secundus throws Johnny aside, starts shooting with the uzi Johnny dropped*

Warlock: Love how he doesn’t have to reload and cars magically blow up from small arms fire.

 

*Secundus steals the Sheriff cruiser and drives off. Johnny and Sheriff throw snowballs at the car as it goes off*

Warlock: HAHAHAH WHAT THE HELL??

America: Yeah, that will stop him for sure.

 

*Abraxas finds Tommy running through the snowy cornfield*

Warlock: He who walks behind the rows.

America: Wrong movie…and out of season!

 

*Abraxas promises to protect Tommy as he goes to find Secundus. Secundus goes to Tommy’s school and takes everyone hostage unless Tommy is brought before him. Abraxas tells Tommy about the demon inside him as they drive. Dar and Hite continue to discuss the situation, Dar thinks Abraxas will kill Tommy*

Warlock: Wow, what an idiot.

 

*Sheriff and Johnny stop Abraxas until Abraxas says he knows where Secundus is. Abraxas, Sheriff, Johnny, Abraxas, Sonia, and the whole town walk up to the school where Secundus demands Tommy’s presence. Tommy runs in and Secundus says he is HIS son. Abraxas nails him with a fire extinguisher and tells Tommy to run.  Once again Secundus gets the upperhand and chases after Tommy*

Warlock: He is a lousy defender.

America: How many times is this guy gonna get away from him?

 

*Secundus steals a car as Abraxas voiceover says what’s about to happen. Sonia runs with Abraxas. Dar and Hite continue to discuss*

Warlock: The Gorilla Monsoon and Gene Okerlund of the movie.

 

*Secundus corners Tommy but Tommy sets the place on fire with his mind and continues to run away to a crappy song in the background*

Warlock: This music sucks.

 

*Abraxas runs into the flaming wreckage. Secundus says its against the law to execute him and to go home. Abraxas slow motion beats the shit out of him*

Warlock: Took him the whole movie to get the upper hand?

 

*Abraxas blows Secundus away but flies out the window. Tommy uses his power to pull Abraxas back up*

Warlock: Ok, how are they gonna end this?

 

*Secundus pops up again and he and Abraxas fight with Sheriff and Johnny pointing guns at them*

Warlock: Is this the final fight now?

America: I hope so.

 

*Secundus goes to finish him off but Abraxas trips him. Abraxas goes to snap his neck but answerbox tells him he can’t.  Abraxas kills him anyway*

Warlock: He found a loophole.

 

*Answerbox says Abraxas’ mission is successful. He needs to return home. He requests to stay on Earth to look after Tommy. Answerbox says they’ll take it into advisement. He refuses to leave and therefore loses his Finder position. He stays on Earth with answerbox to look after Tommy and Sonia. They all hug*

Warlock: So there’s a child with telekinetic powers being watched over by an alien?

America: Yeah,no big deal.

 

*Sheriff hires Abraxas and he requests a uniform scaled to his size. Sheriff says “I kinda like that guy.” Abraxas in the voiceover says he’s there on Earth for good. Sonia says she’s glad he’s staying. Tommy “Me too.”  End credits to sappy song*

Warlock: We made it!

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4.  Wasn’t the best story but there was a plot to it. There was still A plot you could follow, wasn’t the best done but they attempted character development.

The Warlock’s Assessmnet: I give it a 5. It had an easy to follow plot, backstory and a purpose. VERY unrealistic but whatever.

Final Grade: 4.5 – Below Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Unrealistic but not the worst we’ve ever seen. Usually Jesse is in a supporting role but this is his first lead role I’ve seen. It could have been better but it wasn’t too hard to sit through. Well that about wraps up…

*Suddenly the cd player cranks Real American as Mr. America bops along*

Warlock: another…craptastic…

*America fist pumps and marches oit of the player to the beat*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

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