*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of Pepsi*
W: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates and enters the lair*
W: As if you couldn’t have guessed, we conclude this Memorial Day week with the third and final movie in the Missing In Action trilogy. Only problem is, I fear this won’t be as good as the first two.
*Mr. America is sitting in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
A: Wow, you must be turning over a new leaf. Instead of saying “this might be good” now you’re saying “this might suck”, being more honest in your old age huh?
W: You’re older than me!
A: Oh…..yeah…..damn.
W: Yeah that’s what I thought. Anyway let’s get this going with Braddock: Missing in Action 3.
Written by Arthur Silver, Larry Levinson, Steve Bing, James Bruner, Chuck Norris
Directed by Aaron Norris
Cast:
Colonel James Braddock (Chuck Norris)
General Quoc (Aki Aleong)
Van Tan Cang (Roland Harrah III)
Lin Tan Cang (Miki Kim)
Reverend Polanski (Yehuda Efroni)
Mik (Ron Barker)
General Duncan (Floyd Levine)
Littlejohn (Jack Rader)
Thuy (Melinda Betron)
CIA Agents (Rick Prieto and Jan Michael Shultz)
Embassy Gate Captain (Keith David)
Embassy Guard (Robert Jochheim)
Embassy Secretary (Thuy Lien Samora)
Lin’s Friend (Pita Liboro)
US Helicopter Pilots (Jeff Habberstad and Howard Jackson)
Bar Patron (Bernhard Floedl)
Sgt Nelson (Baron Jackson)
Vietcong Soldier (Richard King)
Reporter (James McKenzie)
Grunt (Ron Preston)
Soldier (Berto Spoor)
Marine Gate Guard (Alan Vafides)
Pool Player (Nick Whiley)
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Braddock mounts a one-man assault to free his wife and son who are still being held in a Vietnam prison camp.
A: STILL in a prison camp? How’d they get there?
*Footage of the fall of Saigon in 1975*
W: Wait a minute, one of the plot points of the second movie was his wife was going to remarry in 1985. Are they retconning the whole fucking thing?
A: I think so.
W: So the first movie was him returning to the camp he escaped from to take revenge from the second movie…this makes no sense at all.
*People are being flown out in Huey’s*
A: Huey.
*Braddock lands on the roof of the embassy and looks for his wife Lin*
A: This movie is literally retconning the entire series
*Lin talks with her friend*
W: The looped in dialogue is terrible.
*Friend steals a bracelet*
W: Thief.
A: Are they gonna show them getting back to the ships?
*Braddock checks with the embassy guard and asks where Lin is*
W: Hey its Keith David.
*Friend celebrates with bracelet when she’s taken out with a mortar launcher. Lin has already left when Braddock gets there*
W: He’s gonna think Lin’s dead, that girl’s wearing the bracelet.
*Braddock thinks Lin is dead*
W: This is probably a pre-quel to the second movie.
A: No, its not. We saw how he got captured, its not this way.
W: Yeah, he probably goes on one more mission and that’s how he got captured.
A: No, that’s not how its gonna happen.
W: Then we can literally throw both prior movies out the window.
*Some kid steals Lin’s purse*
W: Wow what an asshole.
*Braddock walks by jeeps exploding*
A: I remember now! He was captured in 1972, remember they said that in the first movie.
W: Okay, you win. The writers screwed up.
*Lin begs the embassy guard to see Braddock, He goes to let her in but a kamikaze group of Vietnamese citizens storm the base. Some soldier grabs the logo off the fence*
W: He did all that just to get the logo?
*Lin screams and shouts to let her in*
W: She kind of looks like Tia Carrera.
*Some guy throws a woman off a chopper so he can get in. Braddock runs over and throws him off. The guy shoots Braddock and he’s taken out by the helicopter gunner. Braddock is flown away as the soldiers drag the body*
W: Yeah get that piece of shit out of there.
*We cut to Washigton DC in 1988*
W: We were both right. This was a prequel scene but the timeline was off.
A: Yeah, this never should have happened.
W: Not to mention in the second movie the guy said his wife was at home waiting for him.
*Reverand Polanski meets Braddock at the bar. He says his wife and son are still alive in Dagang*
W: My dad tells me that place is a hell hole.
*Braddock doesn’t believe they’re alive and sends Polanski away. Two CIA guys tell Braddock to go with them*
W: Who are these clowns?
A: I don’t know.
*Littlejohn asks him what Polanski told him*
A: These aren’t plotholes, these are grand canyons.
*Littlejohn says his wife and kid aren’t alive. Braddock says since he said they’re not, he believes they are. Braddock says he’s gonna go get them. Littlejohn warns him not to step on any toes*
A: He will.
*Braddock “I don’t step on toes, I step on necks”
W: Ha.
*Braddock arrives in Saigon and the cops trail him*
A: He’s already got the cops chasing him, that didn’t take long.
*Braddock enters a club and finds Mik who beats up a guy. Braddock pays him for setting up the munitions. Mik says the plane won’t be loaded for several hours. Littlejohn and his crew walk in, Mik says here comes trouble. Mik is arrested and Littlejohn tries to arrest Braddock too. Braddock beats up everyone and kicks two of them in the junk*
A: That’ll hurt.
W: Ohhhhhh
*Braddock walks into a Buddhist temple and Littlejohn shoots at him*
W: You shot at him in a Buddhist temple, the hell is the matter with you?
*Braddock gets away*
W: Why would he care?
A: Probably because he doesn’t want to cause an international incident.
*Braddock hijacks the car with Mik in it and drives off*
W: Oh boy, a chase scene.
*Braddock loses the feds and rides to a plane*
A: Its a DC3.
*Braddock is unsure it’ll get off the ground*
A: It will.
*Braddock jumps out of Mik’s plane after the boat is thrown out*
A: It would be so much fun to fly that.
*Braddock parachutes to Vietnam. “See you in hell you crazy bastard” – Mik*
W: Hahahaha
A: Now fly close to the water so the radar doesn’t detect you.
*Braddock lands next to the boat, the patrol is already on its way*
W: So the North Vietnamese army was still prowling around in 1988?
A: Duhhh! That was the whole point of the fall of Saigon.
W: Sorry, stupid question.
A: Astronomically stupid.
*Braddock loads gear*
A: I’m pretty sure he landed in South Vietnam to get his buddy then get flown into North Vietnam.
W: That makes more sense.
*Polanski runs an orphanage*
W: He better not be diddling.
*Braddock finds Polanski. Polanski takes Braddock to the run down camp while Braddock wears a straw hat*
W: Look at that hat. What purpose does it serve? The rain would go right through it.
*Braddock finds Lin and his son Van. She cries when she sees him*
W: 13 years later.
*They hug each other close*
W: Slap him!
*Braddock says he didn’t know. Lin says its not important. Van isn’t happy*
W: Yeah, half breeds were very…VERY frowned upon in Asian culture.
A: Unfortunately you’re right.
*Braddock tries to get through to Van*
W: He got lucky, he never had to change dirty diapers.
*Braddock hugs Lin*
W: We got an hour left, he’s found his family, now what?
*Braddock says they have to go*
W: Well if you’re right and he parachutted into North Vietnam, they’re not gonna just let him walk over the border.
*Van falls behind when some kids heckle him and is captured by Vietnamese soldiers. Braddock beats the shit out of them and continues forward with Van and Lin*
W: Yeah, like I said, they don’t like mixed kids.
*Braddock, takes Lin and Van to look for the boat. Van still doesn’t like him*
A: Youre right, way too much time left. This can’t be that easy.
*The army finds Braddock, Lin and Van on the beach*
W: Good call on the not easy.
*General Quoc calls him foolish*
W: Okay Quack.
*Quoc admits he knew it was him because Polanski had unknowingly given him away. He pulls a gun and says Braddock must pay. He shoots Lin right between the eyes*
W and A: Woahhhhhhhh
*Van goes nuts as Braddock starts fighting people before both of them are captured. A tank is shown*
A: I like how this is North Vietnam but that was an M113 armored personnel carrier.
*Quoc strings up Braddock and ties Van to a chair. He’s going to test Braddock. If Braddock drops his feet, a shotgun blows Van’s head off. He doesn’t and Quoc gets impatient*
W: What did he expect?
*Quoc admires his resiliance and has him electro shocked through the nipples*
W: Better than the nutsack.
A: Yeah.
*Braddock still doesn’t put his feet down and Quoc wrestles with him until the feet drop. The shotgun doesn’t go off*
W: Awww they faked him out.
*Van is thrown in a cell while Braddock is still shocked again and again*
A: He’s not doing too good.
W: Well his wife’s dead…again.
*Braddock snaps a guard’s neck and escapes his cell*
W: Bit late now.
*Braddock locks Quoc and his men in long enough to rescue Van and run for it*
W: Suddenly he trusts him?
*The alarm goes off*
W: That’s the German alarm from World War 2.
A: It does sound like it.
*Braddock stands on the roof and shoots everyone in sight*
W: I love how he’s standing in plain view and nobody can hit him.
*Braddock and Van run for it. Quoc barges in on Polanski’s . Quoc browbeats Polanski as one of his men finds Van locked in a closet. Quoc browbeats him too. He takes all the kids and Polanski hostage*
W: He took them all?
A: They can’t be all bad, they spared the doll on the bed.
W: The doll won best supporting actor.
*Everyone is taken to a prison camp. Braddock follows them. A helicopter is shown overhead*
A: That’s an American Huey.
*Braddock sneaks around*
W: He’s gonna take out the entire prison camp himself.
A: Of course.
W: Won’t be the first time.
*The kids are loaded into a cell. One of the guards stays behind and tries to rape one of the girls. Van shouts to stop and Braddock barges in*
A: Haha.
*Braddock takes out the rapist with a grenade launcher*
A: Is he gonna blow up now?
W: Yup.
*The kids are rescued as Braddock stands in the middle of the camp with no cover and shoots everyone*
W: No cover and they can’t hit him.
A: No way is this realistic.
*Braddock rescues Polanski and wipes out more people with the grenade launcher. He gets in the prison truck and drives off. Quoc checks out the damage and shouts “Braddock!” A huey shoots missiles at the truck*
A: Lovely, another Huey.
*Huey shoots about 20 rockets*
A: They should only carry 7 rounds apiece.
*Braddock evades the Huey and unloads everyone off the truck. They hide from the chopper and Braddock says “its ok”
A: For now.
*Braddock says they have to walk 90 kilometers to the border*
A: That’s 59 miles.
W: That’s a long hike.
*A jet lands*
A: A c47 sky train….more American tech.
*Braddock and the kids make it to the airfield. Braddock leaves the kids behind and starts taking out guards*
A: Thats at least 3 seconds the guy had before Braddock dragged him, why didn’t he scream?
*Pilot calls Quoc for backup. Braddock taunts him before loading the kids and Polanski on the plane*
A: Nobody run into the propeller.
*Quoc and 3 trucks shoot at the plane, Braddock flies off*
W: Love how they hit NOTHING.
*Quoc says he’s gonna kill Braddock and burn the kids. Meanwhile the pilot is dead*
W: 20 minutes left.
*The plan’s fuel line is hit, Braddock goes to land it*
A: Neither propeller has stopped.
*Braddock calls for help. He says he’s 80 miles from the Thailand border*
A: I thought he was 59 miles away.
*Braddock crash lands the plane. Everyone is safe and he evacuates it*
A: It should not be that intact.
*Braddock and the kids keep walking*
W: I love how he knows exactly where he’s going, right?
A: Sure.
*Braddock and Polanski find the bridge from Vietnam to Thailand. Braddock says he’ll take out the guards and Polanski takes the kids across. Braddock tells Van he’s proud of him and he loves him*
A: Yeah press your face against him when its covered in blood.
*The allied troops are on the other side of the bridge and wait for Braddock. He starts going to town on the Vietnamese soldiers on the Vietnam side. He dives through the window and shoots everyone*
W: Perfect accuracy too.
*A tank shows up and a random grenade blows Braddock 20 feet away. He still shoots one guard between the eyes and takes out 3 more*
W: That should have killed him though.
*A Hind shows up*
W: A Hind D? Colonel, what’s a Russian gunship doing here?
*Quoc is in the Hind and laughs that he has won. Two US choppers show up but Quoc says they won’t do anything or cross the border. Van runs over and helps Braddock shoot the pilot of the Hind from a mile away. Quoc crashes and explodes*
W: His chopper blew in 3 seconds while Braddock’s plane was intact.
*Braddock, Polanski and the kids are ok. They go to cross the bridge with allied troops celebrating on the other side*
W: Yay we won the war.
A: Hardly.
*A girl stops and turns around to look at the carnage. A sappy song plays as Braddock is given medical attention. An ending graphic says 15,000 Ameriasian kids escaped Vietnam*
A: So that helicopter was an S62. How much money did they waste on the budget? They paid all the money to rent the chopper and deck it out to look like a Hind?
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4….worst movie of the series. If you’re looking for mindless entertainment, this is for you.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5….its still an action movie so you can grab a bowl of popcorn and shut your brain off, but if you saw the first two movies then you may not like this one.
Final Grade: 4.5 out of 10 – Below Average
*Warlock rises from the couch*
W: Well that was a let down but at least we knew it was coming.
A: Doesn’t make it hurt any less.
W: Anyway the movie wasn’t great but it didn’t suck either. It basically throws out the first two movies because of gaping wide plotholes, the action is very unrealistic and the characters aren’t fleshed out at all. Third movies in a series are rarely any good as the first two and this is no different. Still, you can easily shut your brain off and not think about it too much.
A: Yeah, great, encourage the audience not to think.
W: Well we’re going to be thinking a lot because we got a very special Appreciation Month coming up.
A: Oh for the love of god, didn’t you torture us enough last year with that NCIS thing?
W: Uh….Hunt For Red October, Under Siege, Top Gun, Crimson Tide, A Few Good Men, GI Jane, U-571, The Caine Mutiny, National Treasure?
A: Purgatory House, All Over The Guy, The Shrink Is In, Submarines, Dead Birds?
W: That’s the thing about Appreciation Months, you have to take the bad with the good.
A: Yeah well, less bad this time. Who or what are we appreciating this time?
*The Terminator theme plays and Warlock puts on a Colonial Marines t-shirt and a cowboy hat*
W: I think you can figure it out….have a pleasant evening.
Warlock's Movie Realm 