256. Inferno (2016)

*The Warlock is visiting the Grand Wizard. Wizard is already in his throne with Warlock on the couch*

W: Welcome……as you may recall back in November the movie adaptation of the Dan Brown novel Inferno hit the theaters. In honor of the movie coming out, me and my father covered the first two movies in the series. Tonight, the blu ray has come out and we are ready to complete the Da Vinci Code trilogy.

Wizard: If you ever shut up.

Wa: So without further delay let’s get started with Inferno.

 

Written by Dan Brown and David Koepp

Directed by Ron Howard

 

Cast:

Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks)

Felicity Jones (Sienna Brooks)

Christoph Bouchard (Omar Sy)

Harry Sims (Irrfan Khan)

Elizabeth Sinskey (Side Babett Knudsen)

Bertrand Zobrist (Ben Foster)

Vayentha (Ana Ularu)

Marta Alvarez (Ida Darvish)\

Dr. Marconi (Paulo Antonio Simioni)

Florence Hospital Taxi Driver (Alessandro Grimaldi)

Parker (Fausto Maria Sciarappa)

Apartment Carabinieri Captain (Robin Mugnaini)

CRC Tech Arbogast (Paul Ritter)

Boboli Gardens Policeman (Vincenzo Tanassi)

Gallery Guard (Alessandro Fabrizi)

Security Director (Simone Mariani)

Ignazio Busoni (Gabor Urmai)

Richard (Jon Donahue)

Entrance Museum Guard (Fortunato Cerlino)

Local CRC Agent (Atilla Arpa)

Gate Keeper (Kata Sarbo)

Venice Museum Guide (Francesca Inaudi)

Roma Merchant (Maria Grazia Mandruzzato)

Istanbul Professor (Philip Arditti)

Mirsat (Mehmet Ergen)

Death Mask Guard (Vincent Riotta)

Video Technician (Luca Fiorilli)

Bouchard Agents (Cristian Stelluti, Alberto Basaluzzo, Wolfgang Stegemann)

Istanbul Student (Gabor Nagypal)

Video Room Guard (Gianni Annoni)

CRC Techs (Yang Haiwen, Mirjam Novak, Rebecka Sternberg, Sandar Tagiorvsky)

Handless Beggar (Gabor Diossi)

Concert Patrons (Peter Schueller, Lili Gesler, Felipe Torres Urso)

Death Mask Hall Guards (Dino Conti and Mario Acampa)

Angry Motorist (Pasquale Corrente)

Turkish Control Tower Agent (Kerem Ozen)

Bouchard French Agent (Xavier Laurent)

Turkish Who Agents (Buyukkol Mehmet Onur and Balint Adorjani)

Who Cistern Agents (Zsolt Pall, Peter Linka)

CDC Workers (Martin Angerbauer and Arnold Montey)

Business Traveler (Bjorn Freiberg)

Sinskey’s Aide (James Fred Harkins Jr)

Passerby (Juan Ignacio Pita)

Man in Hell (Balazs Szitas)

Juventus Fan (Andras Abel)

 

*Wizard reads the tag-line*

Wizard: “When Robert Langdon wakes up in an Italian hospital with amnesia, he teams up with Dr. Sienna Brooks, and together they must race across Europe against the clock to foil a deadly global plot.”

Warlock: Back in Europe again.

 

*Bertrand Zobrist gives a speech about how the earth is dying because of overpopulation. Then he runs from the cops as his voice narrates how to kill half the world*

Wa: Very dark.

 

*Cristoph Bouchard corners Zobrist and throws himself out of a bell tower and kills himself*

Wa: Say goodnight dick.

Wi: Hopefully he was knocked out before he went face first.

 

*Robert Langdon wakes up from a hallucinating coma in the hospital*

Wi: He was having a bad nightmare.

 

*Dr. Brooks checks on Robert. He has no idea where he is or what day it is. He has blood on his shirt and doesn’t know why. Brooks says he’s suffering from short term amnesia*

Wa: That’s always fun.

 

*Robert realizes he’s in Florence, Italy. He asks how he got there and Brooks tells him he was rushed there 3 hours before. Brooks says they met when she was 9 and she loves his books. He says “Weird kid” and she says she was. He apologizes for saying that out loud*

Wa: Jerk.

 

*A female police officer is on her way up. Brooks tells him he was almost killed but the cop is actually an assassin. She caps the orderly as Brooks slams the bulletproof door and rushes Robert out of there*

Wa: His head’s gonna hurt for a week.

 

*Robert hallucinates about a plague as Brooks throws him in a cab and they drive off while being shot at*

Wa: Cabbie is like “Get the hell out of here!”

 

*Brooks rips the IV out*

Wa: Ow.

 

*Robert wakes up in Brooks’ apartment. She wants to call the police but Robert says the police just tried to kill him. Sienna is her first name and Robert says he doesn’t know what’s going on. Robert asks for coffee and thanks her for her help. He sees visions of the black plague*

Wa: Over half of Europe was killed by it.

 

*Robert realizes his watch fell off, it was a gift from his parents. She’ll call the US consulate when he comes to. Its revealed she’s a genius and he hops on her laptop. He checks his email and reads one from Ignaziio saying what they stole is safely hidden*

Wi: He’s starting to remember.

 

*He hallucinates Ignazio attacked by a snake before cleaning up in the bathroom. His back is scarred*

Wa: Oooh.

 

*Robert has a government issue bio tube and he has no idea how he got it. He wants to open it to see if his thumb print will open it or not. It does open and its a Black Plague carving in bone. Its a Faraday pointer. He activates it and its  Botticelli’s map of hell. Robert explains 700 years ago this was Dante’s interpretation of hell and it hasn’t changed since.  They call the consolate and they know about the tube. He says he’s in a hotel across the street. Bouchard and his men discover he’s actually at Brooks. They discover letters added to the painting. “The truth can only be glimpsed through the eyes of death.”

Wa: Zobrist.

 

*Robert watches a youtube video of one of Zobrist’s speeches. He says in 40 years we’re all screwed. He says 5 species have gone extinct and they’ll be the sixth. Brooks reads he created a plague. Robert realizes the order of hell in the painting is wrong. Zobrist made an anagram. Meanwhile the assassin shows up outside of the hotel but hides from Bouchard’s men. Bouchard runs into the apartment representing the WHO but he’s not there. In Brooks’ car he remembers its Cerca Trova and why he’s there*

W: A little late.

 

*The assassin chases Langton and they’re on their way to where he was supposed to go. The WHO and Bouchard’s men both miss him completely. Vayentha is the assassin and she wants to speak to the provost. Her contact says to get the pointer before the government does. Mr. Sims is running the operation and he wants Langdon dead and gone. The guy tells Sims Langdon is off the grid and still has the pointer. He’s supposed to open Zobrist’s video in 24 hours. Mr. Arbogast is this guy’s name. He wants secrecy*

Wa: Top secret.

 

*Robert in the car realizes he wasn’t saying very sorry but Vasari. Brooks drives into a border check and they get out and run. Bouchard’s men set up drones for surveilance. Vayentha conducts her own search while Langdon and Brooks run for it. Ponte Vecchio is their destination. Local police says there are 2 public exits and one ancient, Bouchard says Langdon knows that one. Mr Arbogast says Vayentha better not fail or she will he held accountable*

Wi: They’ll frag her Russian ass.

 

*Robert and Sienna enter the Hall of Five Hundred and he stares at a painting that has Cerca Trova on it. He looks around for the eyes of death and hallucinates of him being drugged with something. He asks if HE’S the carrier of the plague, she says no. A pregnant woman comes up and says hi and Marta Alvarez is her name. She asks if Ignazio is okay and Robert says he couldn’t make it. He asks Alvarez to show him the last thing he was looking at. Meanwhile Bouchard meets with Sinskey and Bouchard says he’ll find him*

Wi: They dont trust each other.

 

*Alvarez has trouble going up the stairs*

Wa: I love her waddle.

 

*The death mask they’re going to see was Dante’s himself. Sienna says Dante’s journey out of all was to find Beatrice and he failed. Robert looks over and the mask is gone. Marta calls security and they show the previous night where Ignazio and Robert are checking out the mask. Marta reveals the owner of the mask was Zobrist and he loaned it to the museum. The video shows Ignazio and Robert himself taking it*

W: He caught himself stealing it.

 

*The WHO and Bouchard’s men rush the museum. Robert uses Marta’s card to keep security from chasing them and he promises her they’ll return the mask. Outside Robert tells Sienna that this doesn’t involve her and can leave at any time but she wants to stay.

Wa: Why would she stay?

 

*Robert says they need to find Paradise 25 in order to find Ignazio. Meanwhile Bouchard and Vayentha both search for him separately. Robert finds a secret door behind a map of Armenia. Bouchard finds another hidden passage. Robert figures out Ignazio hid the mask in the church where Dante was baptized*

Wi: Apparently.

 

*Robert and Sienna have to walk across a catwalk 50 feet in the air. He tells Sienna not to look down. Vayentha crashes the party and shoots at Robert. Sienna trips Vayentha and she falls 50 feet to her death

Wa: OHHHHHH!!!!

Wi: Its not the fall that killed her.

Both: Its the sudden stop.

 

*Bouchard looks at Vayentha and leaves*

Wi: He’ll just leave her there.

Wa: “Cleanup in the main hall.”

 

*Sims and Arbogast watch the video from Zobrist saying the virus has already been released and in 6 days half the world will be dead. Arbogast facepalms*

Wa: He’s like “Get this clown out of here.”

 

*Sims says they’ve been working for a mass murderer. He says let’s not fuck this up any worse. Sims says he’s going to Florence himself and packs some knives. Sinskey takes a picture of Vayentha and says they need to find Robert*

Wa: Who’s working for who?

 

*Sienna is shook up after killing Vayentha. Robert says it was self defense and if she wants to go, she can. She says she’s coming. They walk into the cathedral with everyone watching*

W: They can walk just right in.

Wi: No guards at all.

 

*Robert finds the mask in the holy water. He reads a message on the bask of the mask and Bouchard walks in. Robert realizes Bouchardf was the one who asked for his help in Boston to begin with. Bouchard asks what’s the last thing he remembers and Robert says he was with Sinskey. Bouchard says she’s been working for the government to steal the virus and he’s been after Zobrist for 2 years. He says they’ll take the train to Venice and he calls for two plane tickets to GENEVA to fool Sinskey. Sims walks in where Sinskey is*

Wa: Everyone’s in on it.

 

*Bouchard explains he found the pointer in the pocket of Zobrist and he asked Robert to translate it. He was seeing Sinskey when he was kidnapped and doesnt remember anything after. Robert has a rash on his wrist and Bouchard doesn’t want to touch it. Robert remembers it was Sinskey who met him in Boston, not Bouchard*

Wa: Bouchard is the liar.

 

*Sinskey in the real flashback asks for his help as apart of the WHO. Robert pretends to be sick so Sienna can send Bouchard away. Robert says to Sienna that Bouchard is lying. Sienna runs up to Bouchard and says Robert is trapped in the bathroom. He gets it open and Robert cracks him with a fire extinguisher. Sienna maces him*

Wi: That’s gonna ruin his day.

 

*Sinskey grills Sims and Sims casually admits he’s been working against her for two years but now needs her help. Sims says Bouchard is trying to steal the virus and sell it to the highest bidder. Sims reveals Sinskey really cares about Langdon and his private firm can help her find Robert*

Wa: Who can ya trust?

 

*Robert and Sienna take a boat through Venice*

Wi: There’s water, must be in Venice.

 

*Langdon says the term quaranteen came from the Italian word quaranta which means forty. During the black plague the harbor master made any and all ships wait 40 days before they could walk on land*

Wi: Isn’t he a smart bastard.

 

*Sienna asks some tour guide if the heads were ever severed from their bodies. The tour guide says yes, they were then re-attached by Ernico Dandolo. Dandolo during the Crusades were supposed to sail the Venetians to Egypt but ransacked Constantinople instead. Robert figures out they’re supposed to find Dandolo’s grave, not his place of rul. He was from Venice but died in Hagia Sophia in Istanbul*

Wa: Not only are they in the wrong church, they’re in the wrong country to boot.

 

*Robert spots Bouchard coming and they head to the basement. They find a window 12 feet in the air. Robert pushes Sienna up to get it open. She brib some gypsy lady to help her*

W: A hundred Euro’s…lovely.

 

*Bounchard heads to the basement as Sienna slips out. Robert makes his way up but Sienna turns on him and slams the cage shut. She reveals she’s been working with Zobrist all along. Robert figures out Sienna was Zobrist’s girlfriend and she says Robert is wearing Bertrand’s suit. Bouchard pulls Robert down and he falls on his head*

Wi: Another blow to the head, another concussion.

 

*Montage of Sienna and Bertrand as lovers. Its revealed they planned to design and release the plague together but only Bertrand knows where it will be released. He then kisses her in the rain and says if he dies then she’ll get the first clue. Inferno will be at the end of her path*

W: Robert had absolutely no idea. Was this in the book?

Wi: I can’t remember.

 

*Bouchard loads Robert into a boat and Robert passes out*

Wa: Not having a good week is he?

Wi: Nope, getting his head bashed in everywhere he goes.

 

*Robert comes to and says Bouchard is trying to sell the virus. Bouchard says he would if he knew where it was. He asks Robert where it is as a door opens from behind. A figure sneaks up on them as Bouchard makes a speech. Sims then runs up and guts Bouchard from behind*

Wi: How did he know he was there?

 

*Sims introduces himself and says he never had a head wound and the drugs were to clear his memory. Sims says the hospital trip was all staged, the doctor that was shot was an agent in place and Vayentha was working for him to stop Brooks. Sims bashes Bouchard’s skull in and says they’ll think it was a mugging. Robert says he tried to kill him and Sims says he apologes. He reveals Sienna and Zobrist brought him in for help. Sims says Sinskey brought Robert in to help stop this from happening. Mr Arbogast pretended be from the consulate as apart of Sims plan. Sims says he was working for Zobrist until he found out they were trying to kill the world. Sinskey pulls up and hugs Robert*

Wa: So Sims is a crooked bastard but he’s seen the error of his ways?

Wi: Pretty much.

 

*Sinskey apologizes for bringing Robert into this. She tells him Zobrist came to her for help two years earlier and she threw him out. That’s probably why Zobrist hired Sims. We get the real flashback of when Sims men kidnapped Robert to set up the beginning of the movie*

Wa: Now it all makes sense.

 

*Robert explains little fish would stay in the warm water or else the big fish came out of the cold water and ate them, until the fisherman caught them all*

Wa: Nice analogy.

 

*Robert says his photographic memory is a curse, not a gift. He remembers being taken as we see Istanbul*

Wi: Right on the border, half in Europe and half in Asia.

Wa: You can literally walk from Europe to Asia?

Wi: Yes.

 

*Sienna meets her contact and says she needs to trigger the explosion before Robert can stop them. Zobrist picked this location because 5,000 people died in the streets of Istanbul a day during the Justinean pleague*

Wi: There’s the Mosque.

 

*Mirsat is there to help Robert find the virus. Robert, Sims and Elizabeth look for the tomb of Dondalo. Mirsat says underneath the tomb is the the ancient cistern known as “Sunken Palace” Sinskey says they need to get there. Meanwhile Zobrist’s Turkish crew hands Sienna the virus. She flashes back to Zobrist explaining the survivors of the plague gave birth to the renaissance*

Wa: She’s as nuts as he is.

 

*Sinskey figures out Zobrist created a bioaerosal to get it to spread through the air. Mirsat explains there’s a global concert happening that night. Robert, Sims, Elizabeth and Mirsat make their way down while Sienna looks for a spot to detonate*

Wa: The big climax.

 

*The WHO start containment on the surface while Robert says the Medusa statue is the key. They’re looking for a small bag. Its been explained a cell phone call will detonate it. Sienna has the cell phone. Sims spots Sienna and her contacts. Meanwhile Sinskey finds the bag. Sims is gutted by one of them but he kills one of them. The other falls into the water. Sims is killed by Sienna and Robert spots her*

Wa: So much for him.

 

*Robert runs after Sienna and she throws the detonator into the water. Robert says there’s too many of them, she will fail. She pulls out her phone and goes on a rant saying she’ll do anything to save the planet. She goes to detonate but has no signal on the phone. She dives after the detonator manually. She blows herself up and Robert is thrown in the water. Luckily the bag is already in a hazmat container. The bag blows but inside the container*

Wi: Don’t panic! Remain calm!

 

*Sinskey retreives the container but the other henchmen reaches it. He goes to release it but Sisnkey tackles him. Robert swims after them and tackles the dude after he dispatches Sinskey. Robert and the guy wrestle as the swat team arrives. Sinskey says not to shoot the box. Robert pinches the guy in the neck to get clear and the swat team shoot the guy dead*

Wa: About time.

 

*Robert and Sinskey fix the container and everyone is safe*

Wa: Yayyyyy they did it!

 

*Robert sees a bodybag being carried out and figures its Sienna. He says she thought she was saving the world. He asks what now and Sinskey says they must research the virus before destroying it. She asks what hes gonna do now and he says Cambridge. Before Sinskey leaves she hands Robert his watch back. Its a Mickey Mouse watch. He asks if they can get back together and she says someday. She leaves and we go to Florence. He finds a guard and he tells Robert that Marta had her baby. Robert says the mask has been returned. He walks off smiling as the museum staff celebrates. End credits*

Wa: Good, very good.

 

The Grand Wizard has no assessment.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it an 8 out of 10. That was very good. It wasn’t as epic as the first two movies but it was really, really good. The Da Vinci Code trilogy is amazing even if this wasn’t as good as the first two. The acting was tremendous, the story was solid and the effects were great. I highly recommend it.

Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Brilliant.

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was damn good. The thing about the Da Vinci code movies is just like National Treasure, there’s legimate history wrapped around the story if you know the difference. You can learn something as well as be enthralled by the story. I recommend all 3 books and all 3 movies. That about wraps up the Da Vinci Code trilogy, have a pleasant evening.

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255. Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair, he’s wearing a black leather jacket, a red Wild & Crazy Kids t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a fishbowl of root beer*

W: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*The Warlock makes lightning appear and walks inside*

W: Tonight Neyzor Blades and I will be taking a look at a dark comedy from 2006.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*

N: What’s a dark comedy.

W: In other words, the humor is really graphic and offensive. Its not supposed to be funny but it is.

N: I dont get it.

W: Anyway, tonights movie is Little Miss Sunshine. It stars Abigail Breslin and Alan Arkin so it can’t be bad.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: So let’s get started with Little Miss Sunshine.

 

Written by Michael Arndt

Directed by Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris

 

Cast:

Olive Hoover (Abigail Breslin)

Richard Hoover (Greg Kinnear)

Dwayne (Paul Dano)

Edwin Hoover (Alan Arkin)

Sheryl Hoover (Toni Collette)

Frank Ginsberg (Steve Carell)

Doctor #1 (Marc Turtletaub)

Cindy (Jill Talley)

Diner Waitress (Brenda Canela)

Mechanic (Julio Oscar Mechoso)

Convenience Store Proprietor (Chuck Loring)

Josh (Justin Shilton)

Larry Sugarman (Gordon Thomson)

Teen Boy #1 (Steven Christopher Parker)

Stan Grossman (Bryan Cranston)

Doctor #2 (John Walcutt)

Linda (Paula Newsome)

State Trooper McCleary (Dean Norris)

Pageant Official Jenkins (Beth Grant)

Kirby (Wallace Langham)

Miss California (Lauren Shiohama)

Pam (Mary Lynn Rajskub)

Funeral Home Worker (Jerry Giles)

Biker Dad (Geoff Meed)

MC (Matt Winston)

Judge (Joan Scheckel)

Hallway Girl (Casandra Ashe)

Officer Martinez (Mel Rodriguez)

Pageant Contestants (Alexandria Alaman, Alissa Anderegg, Brittany Baird, Cambria Baird, Brenae Bandy, Kristen Holaas, Maliah Hudson, Destry Jacobs, Lindsey Jordan, Shane Murphy, Annabelle Roberts, Sydni Stevenson-Love, Nicole Stoehr and Lauren Yee)

Photographer (Erik David Barber)

Pageant Worker (Terry Bolo)

Seminar Class (Mard De’Antone)

Tara Dawn Holland (Herself)

Pretty Girl (Ksenia Jarova)

Hotel Security (Alva Loomis)

Pageant Judge #1 (Robert O’Connor)

Regis Philbin (Himself)

Pageant Mom (Melissa Roberts)

Funeral Worker #2 (Matthew W Tate)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “A family determined to get their young daughter into the finals of a beauty pageant take a cross-country trip in their VW bus”

N: What?

 

*Fox Searchlight Pictures*

W: Da da da daaaaaa!

 

*Closeup of girl’s face*

W: AHHHHH!

 

*Regis Philbin narrates Miss Louisiana winning Miss America. Little girl watches*

N: She’s adorable.

 

*Richard Hoover gives a great speech to about 5 people*

W: Hahaha there’s like 5 people.

 

*Teenaged boy works out*

W: He’s got the eye of the tiger.

 

*Edwin Hoover snorts coke*

W: Hahahahah Alan Arkin snorting coke.

N: Ohhhh.

 

*Sheryl Hoover smokes and drives. Her brother Frank Ginsberg tried to comit suicide but failed. The doctor tells her she’s gonna be fine as long as you keep away sharp objects*

W: Especially a wallpaper steamer.

N: What?

W: Nevermind.

 

*Sheryl is glad he’s still here, he says that makes one of them*

W: Ha.

 

*Sheryl brings Frank home, she’ll put him with Dwayne, the teenager*

N: That’s his name.

 

*Dwayne walks out without saying anything*

N: They’re all a bunch of misfits.

 

*Sheryl asks Dwayne to get some chicken but he doesnt move. Sheryl asks Olive the little girl and grandpa Edwin to come down for dinner. Richard comes home and calls Stan Grossman about a book deal. Dwayne sets the table and goes to get Frank. Dwayne is taking a vow of silence because of Friedrich Nietzsche*

W: Typical American household, coke addicted grandpa. suicidal uncle, mute teenager.

 

*Frank shambles to the table*

W: This could be his best acting performance ever if this keeps up.

 

*Dwayne writes down he hates everyone. Frank asks even family, Dwayne underlines everyone.

W and N: Hahahaha.

 

*Frank drinks out of an old McDonald’s glass*

W: Hahhaha

 

*Dwayne has taken a vow of silence until he joins the Air Force. Olive comes down and Frank says she’s getting big. Edwin comes down and complains about the chicken. “Every night its the fucking chicken!”

W and N: Hahahaha.

 

*Olive asks how Frank hurt his arms and Sheryl tells her he tried to kill himself. Richard tries to stop him from answering but Frank says he wasn’t happy. He fell in love with someone who didn’t love him back. One of his grad students he fell in love with was a man that was really in love with Larry Sugarman. Frank says he got fired and moved into a motel and when he found out Larry got a genius grant, he tried to off himself. Edwin blows his nose*

N: Hahahaha.

 

*Olive says she’s going to win a pageant and Frank wishes her good luck. Richard says only losers need luck. Frank and Dwayne lock eyes as if to say “Really?”

W: Hahaha.

 

*Cindy calls and says Olivia is in the Little Miss Sunshne pageant this Sunday. Olivia gets excited and packs up. Sheryl says they’re flying unless he can come up with a better idea. Richard says he’ll drive the bus as long as Frank and Dwayne go too. Neither one of them want to go. Frank relents but Dwayne is indignant. He writes down that its unfair and he wants to be left alone*

W: Wow.

 

*Sheryl says she’ll give him permission for flight school and he reluctantly accepts. He’s not going to have any fun and Frank agrees. Richard asks if she can win and she says yes. Meanwhile Dwayne writes to Frank “please dont kill yourself tonight.” Frank says he won’t. Dwayne writes “Welcome to hell”

N: Hahaha

N: It only gets worse. By the ay there hasn’t been any credits.

W: I noticed that too. 22 minutes into it, no credits.

 

*Edwin says he’s so tired that if a woman begged him to fuck her he couldn’t*

W: Hahahaha.

 

*Edwin tells Dwayne to fuck as many women as he wants but Dwayne isn’t. Edwin went to Sunset Manor and snorts heroin. Edwin says he got second degree burns on his Johnson. Edwin tells Frank he knows he’s a homo but he’d appreciate that there were 4 women to every guy. He then tells Dwayne to fuck more women*

W: Hahaha.

 

*Waitress takes the orders of everyone at the diner. Olive orders waffles and ice cream for breakfast and Richard tells her not to apologize because its a sign of weakness. Frank tries to tell Olive the meaning of a la mode and Richard tells him to shut up. He body shames Olvie about eating ice cream and Edwin tells him Richard is an idiot. Richard then shames her some more*

W: I want Frank to knock him out.

N: Such an asshole, that’s the worst thing you can do to a kid.

 

*Edwin, Frank, Dwayne and Sheryl all jump in to get her to eat it. Richard is miffed and Dwayne shoots a straw paper at him*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Sheryl wants to drive the bus but she cant get it right. Richard can’t get it either, the mechanic tells them their clutch is shot. He says he can’t fix it until Thursday. Olive pushes a tire around. Mechanic says they don’t need a clutch as long as its not on a hill. They literally have to push the bus to get it to run*

W: Ha. The mechanic was running with them.

 

*Dwayne and Frank fall behind but they catch up and they all make it in*

W: That does look like fun.

 

*Richard rambles about his 9 steps, everyone else is bored stiff or ignoring him*

N: Just shut up already.

 

*Richard singles out Frank because sarcasm is the refuge for losers. They go back and forth before Richard’s cell rings. He has no reception so he jumps out to use a payphone. Stan says his book deal fell through. Edwin hands Frank some money and tells him to get him porn and a “fag rag” for himself. Frank buys a whole bunch of porn and he runs into his ex lover who says Larry is pumping gas*

N: Oh no, he’s buying all that.

 

*Frank’s lover gets miffed when he sees the porno rags. Frank pays and forgets his slushee and the clerk at the gas station has to remind him*

W: Ha.

 

*Frank throws the mags at Edwin and Richard says to Sheryl that they’re fucked. He yells at her to go and Sheryl gets in*

N: Wait, where’s Olive?

 

*They leave without Olive. Dwayne notices*

W: You morons!

 

*Olive has to run and jump in the bus again when they return*

W: Good work Dwayne.

 

*Edwin tries to give Richard a pep talk, Richard thanks him*

W: I was expecting a dick move, good on the writers for holding off.

 

*Richard and Sheryl bunk, Dwayne and Frank bunk and Olive is with Edwin*

W: Good thing they didn’t have anyone else in the party.

 

*Richard says the whole trip is a fucking nightmare. He wants to get through this and go home. They start arguing and Frank/Dwayne can hear them in the next room. George W is on TV and Dwayne turns the tv off*

W: Dubya!

 

*Edwin teaches Olive how to growl. She’s scared about tomorrow’s pageant but he says she’ll do great. She asks if she’s pretty and Edwin says she’s the most beautiful girl in the whole world. She says she doesn’t want to be a loser because Richard hates losers. Edwin says a real loser is so afraid of not winning they don’t even try. Edwin says she’s trying and should tell them all to go to hell*

N: Hell yeah.

 

*Richard grabs his shoes and his keys*

N: He’s gonna find Stan Grossman.

 

*Richard runs to the bus*

W: Nice parking job.

N: Because they have to get out and push.

 

*Richard spots some bikers and he takes a moped 23 miles to Scottsdale. Meanwhile Edwin snorts, Sheryl smokes and Frank ponders his ex*

W: You’re right, they’re all misfits.

 

*Richard is at the hotel where Stan is at. He calls Stan’s phone and Stan nearby blows him off, Richard sees him. He confronts Stan and Stan reveals that the program would work but Richard is the problem, nobody knows who he is. Richard fires Stan on the spot and mopeds back to the motel. Next morning Olive tells Richard Edwin won’t wake up*

W: Oh shit.

 

*At the hospital Sheryl tells Dwayne and Olive that he may not make it. Dwayne writes down go hug mom to Olive and Olive does*

N: Awwww

 

*Doctor comes out and tells them Edwin has died*

W: This movie just took a turn for the worse.

N: This is horrible.

W: Wow, Richard may be a dick but he lost his investment and his dad in less than 24 hours.

 

*Linda the bereavement counselor meets the family*

W: That’s Jackie Vance on NCIS.

N: I don’t care.

 

*Linda hands Richard a bunch of paperwork. She says they cant bury the body there and need a permit to cross state lines. Richard says they have to get to Redondo Beach by 3 PM and Linda says that’s not happening. They yell at each other before Richard relents and wants to see the remains*

W: What, he’s gonna steal the body?

 

*Richard is mad at Edwin for ODing, Sheryl tells Olive they’ll go next year. Richard says no way, they’ve come 700 miles and they’re not quitting. He throws away all the paperwork and prepares to take the body with them*

W: They’re gonna pull a Weekend at Bernie’s.

 

*Richard says Edwin wanted Olive to win and they’ll be winners by moving the body and getting to Redondo Beach by 3 pm. Frank and Dwayne run outside as Sheryl and Richard toss them the body*

W: Good thing they’re on the first floor.

 

*The family runs with the body to the bus*

N: Look at that they’re putting him in the back.

 

*Dwayne tosses Richard the keys and they all run in one by one again*

N: I want cashews.

 

*Olive asks what’s gonna happen to Edwin and Richard doesn’t answer. She asks Frank is there a heaven and he asks her what she thinks. Frank asks if he’ll get in and Olive says yes*

N: Awww.

 

*Someone cuts off Richard and he honks at that person. The horn gets stuck and a state trooper pulls them over. Richard asks like an idiot and the trooper says he’s going to search the trunk. He opens it and the porn mags fall out. He doesn’t notice the body and takes the rags except for the gay one. He leaves it with Richard*

W: HAhahaha

 

*Its revealed Dwayne is colorblind. Dwayne can’t join the Air Force if hes colorblind. Dwayne goes crazy and Frank says to pull over. Richard pulls over and Frank runs out and screams “FUCKKKKK!!!!”

N: He hasn’t said a word the whole movie.

W: Now he has.

 

*Sheryl says they have to go and Dwayne says he’s not going. He doesn’t want to get on the bus and he doesn’t want to be family. “I HATE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE. DIVORCE, BANKRUPT, SUICIDE! YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING LOSERS!”

W: Hahahaha this is pitch black comedy.

 

*Frank voluneers to stay with Dwayne and Sheryl says that’s NOT happening*

W: Yah, they’ll both try to off themselves.

 

*Richard asks Olive to go get Dwayne. Olive goes over and hugs him*

N: Awww she’s adorable.

 

*Dwayne gets right up when Olive asks*

W: The whole trip is for her, he doesnt want to blow it for her.

 

*Dwayne apologizes to everyone and they welcome him back, they get back in the bus. The van still honks on its own and they fly to Redondo Suites. They miss the exit and plow through a parking lot stop bar. He drives like a maniac down a one way road to the hotel*

W: Hahahahahaha

 

*The door falls off as Frank runs out and they rush Olive to the sign in*

W: Hahahaha the door fell off.

 

*Frank runs into the registration clerk and she refuses to let Olive enter. She’s adament but Richard beggs her. Kirby says he can put her in the system*

W: CSI guy saves the day.

 

*Olive meets Miss California and gets her autograph. She asks if she eats ice cream and she does*

N: Awww, nice touch.

 

*Richard asks Kirby if there’s a funeral home around*

N: Hahaha.

 

*Olive enters the dressing room and all the girls are getting makeup and spray tanned*

N: These are little girls, that’s so sad.

 

*Frank reads a newspaper about Larry Sugarman being named the number 1 Proust scholar. Dwayne watches girls run by and says they need to get out of there. Kirby then asks Olive for her music and Olive hands him the CD. He asks if she chose the song, she says no, Edwin did. Meanwhile Richard shows the local undertaker the body of Edwin. He claims Edwin died in the bus*

W: Yeah, pitch black funny.

 

*MC welcomes everyone to the pageant*

N: Look at this weenie.

 

*All the contestants make their entrance, they all look like runway models except for Olive*

N: They all look like Barbie dolls except for Olive.

 

*Olive makes her entrance awkwardly*

W: Love how they all acted like Kate Moss and Olvie had no idea how to be cute.

 

*Olive checks herself out in the mirror trying to suck in her stomach*

W: That sucks.

N: You have no idea.

 

*Richard asks a biker if he’s got a kid there, he doesnt answer. MC sings America The Beautiful as Richard looks on*

W: Where is everyone else?

 

*Dwayne and Frank are on the boardwalk and he says he wishes he could be 18. Frank says Proust was a real loser but his worst years made him who he was. Frank says “If you sleep till you’re 18, you’re gonna miss all that suffering.” Dwayne “Fuck beauty contests, life is one big beauty contest” He says fuck the Air Force and Frank is glad he’s talking again*

W: This is Steve Carrell’s best role yet. He’s not his usual deadpan delivery self.

 

*The kids start doing their routines*

W: At least they’re cordial to each other.

N: They’re kids.

 

*One girl yodel and Richard doesn’t like it*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Gymnast girl flips around*

W: Oh shit.

 

*Cowgirl  does her thing as Frank and Dwayne make it back. Dwayne goes backpage. Olive is dressed in business clothes and Richard wishes her well. He then tells Sheryl he doesn’t want her to go on. Dwayne and Richard both don’t want her to go on. Dwayne says they’re gonna laugh at her. Sheryl tells them both to stick it*

W: Remember Edwin taught her the act, this is gonna be interesting.

 

*Sheryl asks if she wants to go on, Olive says no she’ll do it. She puts on a top hat and makes her entrance. Richard and Dwayne are miffed but they join Sheryl and Frank in the audience. Olive makes her entrance and dedicates this to Edwin who’s in the trunk of ehr car*

W: Awwwww ahahha

 

*Olive’s act is a striptease to Rick James’ Superfreak*

W: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!

 

*Some people walk out, Frank stands up and claps and Richard joins in. Sheryl stands up and even the MC gets into it*

W: Haha yes!

 

*The host is pissd and tells Richard to get Olive out of there. He goes out onstage and joins her dancing. Frank gets on stage and joins in to spite the host. Dwayne joins in as well*

N: This is fucked!

 

*Sheryl runs onstage and grabs Olive to dance with her. Everyone but the host is smiling*

W: Hahahahahahhahahahaa

 

*The song ends and Kirby gives them a standing O along with the demented biker*

N: The brother was hilarious.

 

*Richard is told by the police they can all go without charges as long as she never enters a pageant in the state of California again*

W: Ha.

 

*The family all pushs the van and they all run in again*

W: I get the symbolism, they’re all free.

 

*Bus crashes through the gate and Dwayne gives the host the finger*

W: HAHAHAHA!

 

*End credits*

W: Bravo! Bravo! That was one of the most fucked up movies I’ve ever seen.

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: That was totally fucked up. I give it a 5 out of 10.

The Warlock’s Assessment: That wasn’t dark comedy, that was pitch black comedy. Holy shit that was as vulgar as you can get without toilet humor. Underage stripping, snorting heroin, jesus H Christ I give it a 7 and may god have mercy on my soul

Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: That was one of the darkest comedies I have ever seen and I’m still in shock. That was one of the most messed up movies I have ever seen but for all the right reasons. That was Steve Carrell’s best role ever because he wasn’t using the deadpan delivery he’s accustomed to. This was a great acting performance all around and Alan Arkin is now the designated grumpy old man in every movie. This movie is NOT for everyone and you need pretty thick skin to get through it all. Its worth a look if you’re into pitch black comedy. That about wraps up another fucked up adventure, have a pleasant evening.

254. Back To School (1986)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, ROCKY t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. Hes holding a Progresso soup can of root beer*

W: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates and enters the lair*

W: Tonight we are going to look at a movie I have never seen before but have been told its good numerous times. Since its a comedy, Neyzor Blades will be joining me.

*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner wearing standard attire*

Neyz: Yeah, none of this Driller Killer shit.

W: Tonight’s movie is the 1986 Rodney Dangerfield comedy Back To School. I’ve heard it was good so its time to find out for myself if it is or not.

Neyz: It better be.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: So let’s get started with Back To School.

 

Written by Harold Ramis and Rodney Dangerfield

Directed by Alan Metter

 

Cast:

Thornton Melon (Rodney Dangerfield)

Dr. Diane Turner (Sally Kellerman)

Lou (Burt Young)

Jason Melon (Keith Gordon)

Derek Lutz (Robert Downey Jr)

Philip Barbay (Paxton Whitehead)

Valerie Desmond (Terry Farrell)

Coach Turnbull (M Emmet Walsh)

Vanessa (Adrienne Barbeau)

Chas (William Zabka)

Dean David Martin (Ned Beatty)

Dr. Barazini (Severn Darden)

Professor Terguson (Sam Kinison)

Giorgio (Robert Picardo)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr (Himself)

Marge Sweetwater (Edie McClurg)

Tony Meloni (Boris Aplon)

Sorority Girl (Sarah Abrell)

Young Woman (Dana Allison)

Dorm Girl (Kimberlin Brown)

Lisa (Lisa Denton)

Contractor (Bob Drew)

Crowd Girl (Holly Hayes)

Young Thornton Melon (Jason Hervey)

Coed (Leslie Huntly)

Judge (James Ingersoll)

Player (Michael McGrady)

Bartender (Santos Morales)

Mrs. Stuyvesant (Beth Peters)

Trendy Man (Timothy Stack)

Security guard (Steve Sweeney)

Hot Tub Girls (Stacey Toten and Randi Randolph)

Executives (Phil Rubenstein and John William Young)

Petey (Brad Zutaut)

Student (Josh Saylor)

Drunk Student (William Grauer)

Female Student (Kristen Aldrich)

Bubbles (Beck Lebeau)

Lisa’s friend (Tricia Hill)

Party Girl (Jill D Merin)

Heckler (John Williams James)

Frat Guy (Eric Alver)

Cashier (Theresa Lyons)

Rodettes (Dallas Winkler, Lisa Montgomery, Kimberlee Carlson)

Oingo Boingo (Themselves)

Grad Students (David Blatt and Christine Bridges)

Dancer (Jacqi Bowe)

Jacuzzi girl (J Cynthia Brooks)

 

*Warlock reads the tagline*

W: “To help his discouraged son get through college, a funloving and obnoxious rich businessman decides to enter the school as a student himself.”

N: Yeah like anybody can do that.

 

*Orion Pictures release*

W: I miss that opening.

 

*Opera songs plays on a phonograph as we get a graphic “New York City 1940”

W: Going back to the past.

 

*Young Thornton goes into his father’s tailor shop*

W: Heh its Jason Hervey.

N: Wayne from Wonder Years.

 

*His father is mad he got bad grades and is even more irate Thornton wants to work in the shop instead of go to college. Thornton says he can’t do it and his father says he can do anything he wants*

W: Especially in those days.

 

*Opening crdits set to still pictures of NYC*

N: Thats really what it was like?

W: Yup.

 

*Thoronton Melon’s Tall & Fat store*

W: They need one of those now.

 

*The montage hows Thoronton grows an empire and how his son Jason comes of age*

W: Love the golf picture from Caddyshack.

 

*Thornton “When you go jogging, do you leave potholes? When you make love, do you have to give directions? At the zoo, do elephants throw you peanuts? Do you look at a menu and say ‘okay’? Well now you can eat all you want because at Tall & Fat we got you covered. If you want to look thin, come hang out with fat people!”

N: You’re loving this aren’t you?

W: Yup.

 

*Thornton’s driver is Lou, Lou tells him he needs to lose weight. Thornton says he needs to hire bigger actors*

W: Hahaha.

 

*Thornton’s business meeting has a full buffet spread. One bigwig wants a Melon Patch Kid featuring a big fat cabbage patch kid*

W: Haahahahhaa

 

*Jason calls Thornton from college and is sad. Thornton says to come home and have dinner with him and mom. Jason says its not his mom, its his new wife and she doesn’t like him. Thornton says he’ll come see him and Jason says that’s a bad idea. Its revealed Jason’s not on the swim team, he’s the towel boy. Chas gives him shit*

W: Johnny from the Karate Kid.

N: Looks more jacked than he did in that.

 

*Lou says he liked Thornton’s old house and old wife better. Thornton says to lay off Vanessa. Next frame shows Vanessa complaining*

W: Adrienne Barbeau, great complainer, even better cleavage.

N: You pig.

 

*Vanessa says to behave himself in front of her friends. There is no beer at the bar, Thornton is sad He goes in his own fridge and gets one. He finds Vanessa making out with some guy. He blows her off*

W: Wow.

 

*Thornton goes to the finger food spread. “I hate small food”

N: Yes!

 

*Thornton makes everyone laugh by making a giant sandwhich*

W: That’s you.

 

*Mr and Mrs Stuyvesant are introduced to Thornton, he pulls food out of his mouth and goes to shake her hand*

W: Hahahhaa.

 

*Vanessa says Mrs Stuyvesant looks great in her green dress. Thornton says if it had pockets she’d be a pool table*

W: Hahahahaha.

 

*Vanessa wants a divorce and Thornton already has the papers ready. She says it won’t be that easy and he shows polaroids of her cheating on him with Giorgio*

W: The guy from earlier.

 

*Lou is passed out by the pool, Thornton does a triple flip into the pool. Thornton says he got rid of Vanessa and he’s sorry he let her come between him and Jason. He says to pack their bags so they can see Jason. We get a montage of Great Lakes University set to Back To School by Jude Cole*

W: Jude Cole, he makes Rick Astley more relevent.

 

*Lou and Thornton pull up to a house. Its a girl’s sorority and he walks into the shower. A girl screams and he says he didn’t see a thing…but she’s perfect*

W: Hahahaha.

 

*A campus guard leads Thornton out and says it was an honest mistake. Thornton hands him money and says its for his kids. Guard says he doesn’t have kids so Thornton hands him more money and says go get some*

N and W: HAhahahaha.

 

*Jason and his multicolored haired friend Derek check out Valerie*

W: Hey look its Iron Man.

N: NO WAY! IT IS!!

 

*Derek says Valerie has a tight ass*

W: Yes, Jadzia Dax did have a great on one Deep Space Nine.

N: Thats where I’ve seen her before!

 

*Derek say Valerie would never go out with Jason because they’re schmoes. They banter back and forth*

W: Hahaha.

 

*Derek and Jason enter his room where Lou and Thornton are. Thornton figures out he’s not in a frat or on the diving team. He insults Derek’s hair*

W: Saw that comng.

 

*Thornton says he used to dream about going to college while he was falling asleep in high school. Jason says he wants to drop out because he doesn’t fit in. Jason says he’s getting straight C’s, Thornton says he’s in the top 3. Jason says its not easy, Thornton says he’ll enroll with him. Jason is overjoyed*

W: Hahahaha you would think he wouldn’t want him.

 

*Dean Martin is skeptic of Thornton going to Great Lakes U and won’t let him in because he never graduated high school and has no SAT scores. Thornton bribes him by building an office*

W: Hahahahahaha

 

*Philip Barbay doesn’t like Thornton and says for the record, he’s against this. He says the legitimate students will be distracted by him. Thornton tells him off and digs into the symbolic dirt and throws it on Barbay*

In: Hahahahahhaa

 

*Derek is dressed even more ridiculous than before. He notices Valerie and Valerie drops her Hooters binder. Jason picks them up for her and asks her to cut the line with him*

W: That went.

 

*Jason and Valerie hit it off with Derek assisting. Chas crashes the party and tries to cut in, Jason and Derek won’t let him*

N: Hahahaha

 

*Derek tells Chas off and Chas says he won’t forget this to Jason*

W: Oh sure, pick on the little guy.

 

*Lou holds up a sign that says BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN so the crowd leaves to rush the limo which makes Thornton, Derek, Valerie and Jason the only ones in line. Thornton “Let’s register”

W: Hahaha.

 

*Derek and Jason go to buy used books and Thornton says no way, get new ones. He then buys out the whole store to make everyone happy. Dr. Diane Turner looks on happy but Barbay calls him a clod*

W: Hey look its Hot Lips from MASH.

N: The old Hot Lips.

 

*Buzzy the contractor says Thornton’s room is ready. He walks into a luxury suite and Derek is like “wowwwww”. Jason says economics class is tomorrow. The next day economics class is taught by Barbway who looks miffed to see Thornton next and Jason. Barbay tries to teach the class and Thornton ends up correcting him every 10 seconds*

W: That’s the advantage of 30 years experience in business.

 

*Barbay tries to teach about consctruction costs but Thornton goes on a rant on what to do. Students take notes on what THORNTON says*

W: Hahahahaha.

 

*Thornton makes one more crack and Jason says to cool it or he’ll flunk him. Thornton “Flunk me? Flunk him!”

W: Ha.

 

*Professor Terguson goes on a rant about Vietnam*

W: Sam Kinison, he was nuts.

 

*Terguson rants about Korea and yells at Thornton, Thornton yells back. Terguson smiles*

W: Did you ever hear Kinison’s cover of Wild Thing?

N: No.

 

*Guy recognizes Thornton and says “You’re tall and fat!” Thornton “Well you’re short and ugly, gimmie that pen back.” The next class is Dr. Turner reading scripture and Thornton is awestruck, he daydrams about marrying her and then stands up and shouts “Yes! Yes!” Diane laughs and says thanks for the vote of confidence. Thornton tells Jason he likes her and Jason says she’s the teacher”

W: I can’t imagine going to college next to my dad.

 

*Thornton asks out Diane but she turns him down. She says she’s going with someone and he says where. She says she has classes that week and he says to call him when she has no class*

W: Hahaha.

 

*Turns out she’s going with Phillip. He snootily says they need to merge and move in together. Diane says she wants to be romanced and loved. Philip stones her*

W: I see where this is going.

 

*Thornton shows up to the gym pool in a bathrobe. Jason goes with him. he high dive is 40 feet in the air*

W: Look at that high dive.

 

*Jason dives and Thornton says that was good. Thornton outdoes him and everyone cheers. The coach says he’s setting a record for most consecutive diving losses. Thornton says he taught Jason in high school. Coach says he remembers Thornton diving off the Atlantic City pier when they were younger. He asks if Jason can do it and Thornton says no one can, its too dangerous. Thornton tells Jason to do a certain dive and Jason sticks it perfectly. Coach says not bad!”

W: Thats great.

 

*Derek invits Jason to the anti-pep rally. Jason turns him down to do a study session. Valerie sits next to him and they bond*

W: Awwwww.

 

*Valerie ask Jason to do her homework this semester*

W: Oh no, she’s not serious is she?

 

*Thornton is at the bar and he invites two girls to sit with him and Lou. The band Rodettes along with Curtis Stone perform Twist and Shout*

W: Now we’re ripping off Animal House?

 

*Thornton says bring a pitcher of beer every 7 minutes until someone passes out, then make it every 10 minutes*

W: Hahhahahahaa.

 

*Thornton gets up and starts singing*

N: Who the hell is singing?

W: Who do you think?

 

*Thornton checks out one of the dancers*

W: Hahahahhaa

 

*Jason and Thornton need IDs to get in. Jason is miffed they were supposed to be studying. Meanwhile a football team covered in paint walk in. Chas greets them and sells out Derek as the culprit*

W: Oh shit.

 

*Meathead insults Derek and threatens to beat him up. Thornton says to cut it out. Meathead challenges him to a fight and Thornton declines but says Lou would be interested. Lou crshes a cheese grater with his bare hands and walks up to Meathead. Lou “Got a problem?” Meathead “No” Lou “Now you do.” A bar fight occurs and Jason hides under a table with the waiter*

W: Hahahaha.

 

*Derek gets thrown all around and Lou throws someone through the jukebox*

N: Wasn’t he in Rocky?

W: It took you this long to notice that?

 

*Thornton enters Dianes class the next day. He looks haggard but says Lou’s worse. Diane asks how to summaraize The Great Gatsby and Thornton says he was great. Diane says to see him after class. After class Thornton says in his high school a kid proved the law of gravity by throwing the teacher out the window*

W: Hahahaha.

 

*Thornton says he needs a tutor and wants Diane’s help. She says to come over to her place at 7 and he says he’ll be on time. He shows up at 7 in coat and tie and reads with her*

W: At least he didnt show up in a bathrobe.

 

*Thornton says Burl Ives, Marlon Brando and Orson Welles were good customers of his. Diane says to forgt movies and to read every now and then. Thornton asks her out for sinner and she says she’s meeting someone. He says he’ll take out the garbage, do the dishes and do her hair. She laughs*

W: He’s persistent.

 

*Thornton says he once sent a love letter to a teacher and she corrected it*

N: Ha..ha…ha…

 

*Thornton admits over dinner he really loved Jason’s mother but she died 10 years ago. He’s been lonely ever since and Vanessa was no help. Diane says since the women’s movement men went from too macho to too soft*

N: Damn straight.

 

*Diane says if they finish the bottle of wine, he won’t have to beg for affection. Next frame shows Phillip polishing his convertible and Lou’s limo pulling up*

W: This should be good.

 

*Diane meets Philip and she’s plastered. Thornton makes a quipp to him before following her inside. They exchange pleasantries and Thornton kisses her. Two dogs watch them*

N: Awww they’re the babies.

 

*Next frame is Lou giving Thornton a massage. Lou says Thornton needs to get in shape. Jason says Thornton needs to study for midterms. Thornton says Jason reminds him of his brother Vito. Jason admits he made the diving team and Thornton wants to party. Jason says he needs a reality check and he may not pass Dr. Turner’s class if he doesn’t start readng Kurt Vonnegut’s books. Thornton says he has no idea what Kurt is saying. Vonnegut himself shows up and a stunned Jason lets him in*

W: Yes thats actually him.

 

*Thornton visits Dr Barazini and he sold the Doc his pants*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Barazini tells him his project is to put VHS tapes in for the monkeys.  Thornton says they need to spice it up so he calls his friend Marge and tells her to bring the gang to Great Lakes U. Thornton puts wrestling on and orders pizza for the monkeys*

N: Awwwwww.

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Marge is typing on her accounting machine while Jason sits next to her trying not to laugh*

W: She plays a ditz in every movie, and very well. Jason’s dying laughing.

 

*Marge says she’s taking notes for Thornton and she’s writing everything Barbay says. Barbay tells Marge that Thornton will never ever pass this course*

W: That’s illegal.

 

*He has his legal team doing his homework for him. If they get A’s all around they all go to Hawaii. Thornton says he has Jason’s paper written for him and Jason throws it. Jason rants saying he’s taking astronomy to learn something and Thornton will never learn anything unless he does it himself*

W: He’s right about that.

 

*Next scene is the diving team with Derek sitting next to Thornton. Thornton gets excited when Jason is introduced. Jason invites Valerie to the dorm party after and she says she has a date, Jason says to bring him along*

W: Why do I have a feeling that’s not going to end well?

 

*Valerie says she wishes her dad was more like his, Jason says nothing and walks away. Jason tries to make amends with Chas but Chas stones him and says Thornton bought his way on the team and probably paid off the judges*

N: What a dick.

 

*Thornton spots Diane and Philip and invites them over. Philip says he can’t possibly see what Diane sees in him. Thornton invites her to the dorm party but she has a date with Philip. Thornton says to bring him along, they may run out of ice*

W: Ha.

 

*Chas sticks his handstand dive and the judges give him 9 1/2’s all around. Thornton talks to the coach and Jason is pissed. Jason intentionally screws up a dive*

W: I see where this is going.

 

*Chas brings Valerie to his dorm party where they are all dressed as cave people with a Michael Bolton record “Everybody’s Crazy” playing*

W: Hahahaha Michael Bolton’s record is a nice touch.

 

*Chas asks one of his dorm buddies why there’s no one there and the guy says everyone is at Melon’s party. Valerie wants to go but Chas says that’s a bad idea. Chas says Jason cost them the meet. Valerie storms out and over at Thornton’s party, Oingo Boingo themselves are playing “Dead Man’s Party”*

W: Danny Elfman himself.

 

*Thornton dances with 3 girls. Derek is with Jason who’s pissed. Derek tries to cheer him up and Thornton says to get off the floor because he looks like the poster child for birth control*

W: Hahahaha.

 

*Thornton asks Jason what’s wrong. Jason stones him until Thornton asks him to snap into it. Jason goes on a tantrum, kissing a girl, spraying a guy with beer and pushing people out of his way as he leaves*

N: He’s acting like a child.

W: He’s carrying his performance in Christine over.

 

*Barbay and Diane pull up and Diane has to remind him what a party is. Barbay asks a drunk kid what’s up and the drunk kid says Melon’s party is the greatst thing ever*

W: Hahaha.

 

*Barbay says to phone security and two police cruisers pull up. Four officers walk out carrying beer to the party and Barbay is miffed. Diane wants to go in and Philip refuses, she goes in alone*

W: Can’t wait to see him get his.

 

*Derek fucks with the sound system and it cracks the windshield of Barbays car. Thornton is in the hot tub with 3 girls, he calls for Bubbles to join them. Dr Turner looks for him*

W: Uh oh.

 

*Diane finds him in the hot tub and storms out*

W: Saw that coming.

 

*Valerie finds Jason outside wearing sunglasses. Jason goes on a rant about how college isn’t the real world. Valerie wants to go for a walk when Chas shows up. Chas wants to go and Jason isn’t happy to see him. Chas insults him and says his father isn’t there to help this time and Jason clocks him. He has to be pulled off of him*

W: Finally, was waiting for that.

 

*Thornton tracks down Jason. Jason claims Thornton bribed the coach to get him on the team and Thornton says he didn’t. Jason says one of them has to go because he’s trying too hard and Jason wants to make it on his own. Thornton says all he wanted was the best for him. Jason says he was happier when he was miserable*

W: I know that feeling.

 

*Dr. Turner failed Thornton over his Vonnegut paper. She says he doesn’t know the first thing about Vonnegut. Thornton calls him up just to tell him fuck you*

W: Ha.

 

*Derek runs into the dorm suite and says Dean Martin wants to see him. Thornton and Dean Martin share a drink but says we have a problem. Barbay wants Thornton expelled for academic fraud and Martin asks if that’s really Thornton’s work. Thornon says “I can’t lie to you….yes it is.” Dean says he’s happy but Phil is outraged. Barbay says to give him a surprise oral exam to see if he really did the work*

W: Ooooh, interesting.

 

*Lou wants to chat with Jason and tells him he’s being too hard on Thornton. Jason says Thornton doesn’t understand, Lou says he does. Lou gives him a pep talk to look out for him as much as Thornton does for him*

N: Good advice Paulie.

 

*Thornton chats with Jason, says if he doesn’t take the exam they’ll kick him out and if he takes them he won’t know where they’ll kick him*

W: Ha!

 

*Jason gives him a pep talk and says he’ll help him. Montage of Thornton legit studying with Derek and Jason’s help. Even Diane pitches in*

W: Love Jason in a rain slicker.

 

*Thornton is brought before all the professors supreme court style and Barbay wants the first crack at him. He wants one questioned answered…in 27 parts. Thornton “I’d like to break him into 27 parts”

N: Yeah really.

 

*Valerie walks up to Jason and he apologizes for his behavior and thanks her for her behavior. He professes his love for her and she loves him back. They kiss*

N: Awwwww

 

*Chas sees them kiss*

W: Yeah, take that! Love how she’s leading because she’s taller.

 

*Thornton answers all of Barbay’s questions right. Turner herself is next and she asks him about the poem they shared. He remembers it word for word and gets confident he can pass the test*

W: Hooray!

 

*Derek tells Lou nobody heckles a driver and he uses a blowhorn to distract an opposing diver. Then he uses a mirror to distract another*

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Chas tells Jason he’s always gonna suck and he’ll be just like Thornton. Jason says that’s fine because he loves him*

W: Deck him again!

 

*Chas dives and gets 6’s all around. Thornton shows up and says the board will let him know if he passed. Jason dives and gets two 9’s and a 10. Chas chickens out of the next dive and the referee says they need an eligable replacement. Coach screams for Thornton. “GET YOUR SUIT ON! WE NEED YA!”*

W: Yeah, like that would happen today. Pick someone out of the crowd

 

*Thornton doesn’t want to do it until Lou talks him into it. Diane runs to the meet as Coach says Thornton is on the substitute roster and he’ll bring it to the ref later. Thornton runs out amidst cheers and scales the ladder. Coach says hes going to do the Triple Lindy. Diane asks some guy if that’s hard, the man says its impossible. Thornton jumps on all three diving boards and sticks it perfectly*

W: Oh good grief.

 

*Everyone gathers around and celebrates when Thornton gets out of the pool. Valerie hugs Jason, Lou and Derek celebrate and Diane hugs Thornton and says that was great. Diane gives him his grades, all D’s and an A. She gave him the A*

W: Faber College would be aghast.

 

*At graduation day Dean Martin says for the first time a freshman will be delivering the speech. The front row has Jason Valerie, Derek with a big cigar and Lou clapping. Thornton takes the mic and says the real world is a jungle. Look out for yourself as number 1 but look out for number 2*

N: Hmmph.

 

*Thornton gets a standing ovation and everyone throws their caps. Thornton smiles and we get the end credits set to Aretha Franklin’s cover of Respect. Warlock stands and cheers*

W: YES! YES! BRAVO!

N: Settle down!

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment:  I thought it was funny, 7 out of 10.

The Warlock’s Assessment: THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME! I give it a 10 out of 10, one of the funniest damn things I’ve ever seen. I can watch that again and again and listen to the soundtrack for days!

Final Grade: 8.5 out of 10 – Amazing

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

W: That was awesome, it really was. It didn’t let up with the humor from beginning to end and even the dramatic scenes were funny. The acting was top notch and some of the jokes were telegraphed but still funny and the ones that weren’t telegraphed were hilarious. It was a bit unrealistic but that’s just for the movie, especially the dive at the end. I also like how the villains didn’t have too much happen to them like Chas get expelled or Barbay fired, having Jason punch Chas and Thornton passing Barbay’s exam was good enough for me. I also like how they had somewhat of a romance between Diane and Thornton but not enough to where it overshadowed everything. That was one of the best comedies Ive ever seen and I’m glad I found it.

N: Wow, you liked it that much?

W: Absolutely. That about wraps up another great adventure, have a pleasant evening.

253. Jack Reacher (2012)

*The Warlock is visiting The Grand Wizard and both are reading Jack Reacher novels. Warlock is reading The Enemy while Wizard is reading One Shot*

W: So this is the chronological first book and yours is….what?

Wizard: Mine is the one the movie was based off.

W: You mean the movie Jack Reacher?

Wizard: Yes.

W: Do you have it?

Wizard: Yes.

W: Pop it in!

*5 minutes later Jack Reacher is in the DVD player*

Warlock: Alright let’s get started with Jack Reacher.

 

*Written by Lee Child and Christopher McQuarrie

Directed by Christopher McQuarrie

 

Cast:

Jack Reacher (Tom Cruise)

Helen (Rosamund Pike)

Rodin (Richard Jenkins)

Emerson (David Oyelowo)

The Zec (Werner Herzog)

Charlie (Jai Courtney)

Vlad (Vladimir Sizov)

Barr (Joseph Sikora)

Linsky (Michael Raymond-James)

Sandy (Alexia Fast)

Jeb (Josh Helman)

Cash (Robert Duvall)

Rob Farrior (James Martin Kelly)

Gary (Dylan Kussman)

Punk (Denver Milord)

Oline Archer (Susan Angelo)

Chrissie Farrior (Julia Yorks)

Nancy Holt (Nicole Forester)

Rita (Delilah Picart)

Darren Sawyer (Joe Coyle)

Mrs Sawyer (Alicia Murton)

Mr. Archer (Peter Gannon)

Mr. Holt (David Whalen)

Marcos (Tristian Elma)

Wesley (Scott A Martin)

Mindy (Kristen Dalton)

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “A homicide investigator digs deeper into a case involving a trained military sniper who shot five random victims.”

Wizard: Yeah, its based off One Shot.

 

*A Tom Cruise Production*

Wizard: Getting in on the other side of it

 

*Bullets are shown*

Wizard: Looks like slugs.

 

*Opening scene shows a bridge and a white van*

Warlock: Its a hit it looks like.

 

*PNC Park is shown*

Warlock: Its in Pittsburgh.

 

*Van runs over cones as it parks*

Warlock: Terrible driving accuracy.

 

*Guy puts a quarter into the parking meter with a 30 minute time limit. He’s holding a sniper rifle*

Wizard: He’s looking for trouble.

 

*He caps about 6 people including a mother and her baby*

Wizard: That’s crude…..very cruel.

Warlock: He didn’t miss once.

 

*Emerson shows up and investigates*

Wizard: Aby Sciuto can get a tire print off the cone he ran over.

 

*Emerson flashes light into the camera*

Warlock: Ow hey!

 

*Emerson pulls out a slug*

Warlock: He forgot to police his brass.

 

*They pull a print off the quarter in the meter. The guy framed for it is Barr. The shooter also stole his van and his quarter*

Warlock: They really fucked this guy.

 

*Emerson questions Barr with DA Rodin in the back. He wants Barr to end this now so there’s no trial with a full confession. Barr jots something down and Rodin reads it. “Get Jack Reacher”

Warlock: There’s the premise.

 

*Emerson gives background on Reacher. He’s off the grid with no history, he’s a ghost. He was a highly paid mercenary and highly trained military ace for hire. He’s a troublemaker that was demoted from Major to Captain then went back to Major. He’s back in the States collecting his military pension. His police record is clean. DA “How do we find him?”

Wizard: Exactly.

 

*Secretary says Jack Reacher is there to see them*

Warlock: There he is!

 

*Reacher says James Barr and we cut to Barr getting the shit kicked out of him by prisoners. He’s in a coma and Reacher walks out when they refuse to let him see the evidence. They try to grill him but he wants to walk away. Helen shows up and shes Barr’s attorney and Rodin’s daughter. Helen “So” and Reacher walks away*

Warlock: Hahahahhahaa

 

*Reacher says he wasn’t there to visit Barr, he came there to bury him. We cut to Linsky who gets paid off and gets a call asking about Jack Reacher. Helen and Reacher talk in a cafe. Reacher says Barr is crazy. Helen says he father is undefeated in court because he gives suspects a choice, confess or death*

Warlock: This guy could intimidate Vincent Gambini.

 

*Reacher says Barr joined the military just to kill people. He says Barr never had to fire a single shot even though he trained 2,000 rounds a day. Reacher says Barr needed a release because he never got to shoot in Iraq*

Wizard; How the hell did he not find someone to shoot in Iraq?

 

*Barr went nuts and killed four people. Only problem is the four people he killed were rapists which is how he avoided jail time. Reacher says Barr came back to the States and was quieted. Helen says he didn’t confess this time like he did in Baghdad. Reacher is just as confused as she is*

Warlock: Very interesting.

 

*Reacher thanks Helen for the coffee and leaves. He sits on a bus and thinks. Helen gets in her car and the handle comes off in her hand*

Wizard: What the hell is she driving?

 

*She goes to follow the bus when Reacher appears in front of her car. Helen blurts out that she wants him to investigate and he’ll do it as long as the victims are looked at objectively. She visits Mr. Farrior and wants to know his daughter’s background. He says that’s unusual considering she’s representing the killer*

Warlock: He’s right.

 

*Helen says some of the families spoke with her, others didn’t. Farrior lets her in*

Warlock: Now she has to find out if the victims were all assholes or not.

 

*Reacher checks out the crime scene. He then looks and see’s the sniper’s nest*

Wizard: Retracing the steps. What’s he going to find that Emerson missed?

 

*A distraught Farrior pulls out a gun and says the obituary did a good piece on her. Farrior tells her to not move and tells her that man deserves to die. He asks why she’d defend him and she runs away. She gets in her car and DA Rodin opens the door, she’s relieved*

Warlock: Hello daddy.

 

*Rodin wants to know why she hired Reacher when she can’t pay him. As her father he says she can’t win and it’ll ruin her career. She storms off and drives away*

Warlock: Daddy issues.

 

*Emer lets Reacher look at the evidence. He looks around and goes to leave. Emer asks what army cops do and Reacher says the same thing he does only his suspects are all trained killers. Reacher says if he was about to cap 6 people, why pay for parking? Emerson says he did it out of habit. Reacher tells him the exact date on the quarter*

Warlock: This set up nicely.

 

*Reacher hits up the bar with House of Pain’s Jump Around plays*

Warlock: Great song.

Wizard: Hardly.

 

*Reacher checks out his waitress before noticing a couple arguing. He goes over the crime scene in his head when Sandy sits down and tries to talk to him. He says his name is Jimmie Reese. She says he doesn’t look like a Jimmie. Reacher says he’s usually new in town. She tells him she’s old enough for a lot of things. He calls her a hooker when a bunch of guys surround him*

Warlock: 5 against 1, real fair.

 

*Leader of the gang calls him out and Reacher says don’t do this. He says outside and Reacher goes with him. Outside the Leader says its 5 against 1. Reacher says 3 against 1 because he’ll take out two of them and the others will run. Sure enough Reacher wipes out 3 of them and 2 others run when the cops show up. Reacher asks the Leader who hired him but gets no response. In the clink Emerson and Helen bail him out*

Warlock: That was fun.

 

*Reacher tells Emerson the serial number on Barr’s rifle and Helen gives him the business for getting in a bar fight. Reacher says he was set up, Sandy was supposed to draw him into the fight and the cop that showed up was too quick in response time to just be passing by. Helen says who set him up and he doesn’t know. Helen tells her about the victims. Chrissie Farrior was a great nanny, Rita Coronado took care of her 9 year old son and was taking him to his first baseball game. Nancy Holt was buying a watch with cash for her husband for their 10th anniversary. Oline Archer was supposed to be selling her dead husband’s company but she couldn’t do it. Darren Sawyer worked for Archer and had an argument with his wife. He was found next to a bouquet of roses and Helen says they were for his wife. The scene shows he was actually waiting for Nancy*

Warlock: In other words, these people aren’t as innocent as it seems.

 

*Reacher tells Helen that Nancy and Darren were having an affair. You don’t buy roses BEFORE you go to work and you don’t worry about credit card charges 2 days before an event*

Wizard: Aha!

 

*Linsky meets the real shooter. The Zec is with him. Linksy hired the 5 guys to hit Reacher and he failed. Charlie is the real shooter’s name. The Zec proved hes a badass by showing his nearly fingerless hands that he lost so he wouldn’t work in a sulfur mine and he chewed off so he wouldnt get frostbite in a prison camp in Siberia. He wants Linksy to bite his own fingers off and he cant. Charlie caps him in the head*

Warlock: Should have done that 5 minutes ago.

 

*Charlie pulls out a saw and starts to hack up Linksy*

Wizard: He had a saw on his person?

 

*Reacher says Barr went shooting every Saturday and Reacher remembered Sandy worked at THE auto parts store. He gets dropped off by Helen and Reacher is at DeFault Auto Store. He walks up to the desk and rings the bell*

Warlock: There’s nobody in here!

 

*Gary answers and won’t tell him anything. Reacher hangs up the phone and Gary still tries to talk into it*

Warlock: HAhahaha

 

*Reacher bursts into the back and finds Sandy. She says it was Jeb Oliver (the Leader) that was behind this. Sandy says don’t hurt her and Reacher tells her to relax. He wants to find Jeb and she says he’s a meth maker. She asks if she’s in trouble and he says no. He wants her Camaro and she says its Jeb’s car. Reacher says Jeb will be surprised when he shows up. She tries to ask Reacher out again and Reacher says to stop letting men use them. Reacher says to get out of town for a few days*

Warlock: There’s gonna be blood.

 

*Somebody follows Reacher to Jeb’s. Some woman strung out on meth doesn’t answer when Reacher asks to come in. He walks in then she pulls out a phone and texts*

Warlock: Ohhhh it was a set up, nice.

 

*The place is deserted and Reacher figures out its been ransacked and the phone doesn’t work. Reacher investigates the bathroom as a hit team approaches. Two goons swing their bats and hit everything but Reacher*

Wizard; The two stooges.

 

*Reacher recovers and wipes them both out.*

Wizard: He’s using one’s head to smash the other’s skull. I like that, that’s efficiency.

 

*One of Jeb’s goons from the bar points a gun at Reacher and Reacher disarms him. Apparently Jeb had to go see someone after they left jail and goon says that’s not like him to abandon his mother like that. Reacher asks if he can use his car, the guys says for as long as you’d like*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Reacher says Jeb is dead. Helen asks how he knows and Reacher says the shower curtain is missing*

Warlock and Wizard: Ohhhhhhhhh.

 

*Helen notices Reacher got tagged with a bat and Reacher says you don’t want to know. Reacher explains how Barr was not the shooter. Reacher “Who the hell pays for parking, crazy or sane?”

Warlock: Hahahahaha.

 

*Reacher says the sniper was too perfect to be Barr. Helen says one shot missed and Reacher says it didn’t miss. It was supposed to be used as evidence so it would tie Barr to the shooting. Reacher “James Barr is innocent.”

Warlock: The plot thickens and we’re only halfway done.

 

*Reacher takes Helen to the window and goes on a speech about freedom before saying the Audi has been following him all day. Reacher says to run the plates and he’ll leave. Meanwhile The Zec calls someone and says he’ll handle the problem. Zec calls Charlie in the Audi and says their cover is blown*

Warlock: How did they know so quick?

Wizard: They have a mole somewhere.

 

*Reacher hands a  piece of paper to Helen and says that’s the motive, hang on to it. Helen “What are we doing playing Clue?”

Warlock: Ha!

 

*Helen finds a picture and says the car is registered to Lebendauer Enterprises. Oline Archer’s competition. Helen figures out that it was a hit on Oline and the others were shot to cover it up. Her expression tells the story*

Warlock: Good psychology.

 

*Reacher says an eyewitness said there was a pause between the first and second shot. Reacher says the first shot a sniper uses is a cold barrell shot and the second one was more precise. Oline was the real target, Darren was practice*

Warlock: Cold barrel shot, even I knew that.

 

*Helen says this is getting too scary and she wants out. Reacher thanks her for the coffee again and we cut back to Sandy*

Wizard: She ain’t gonna see the light of day. That’s called a loose end.

 

*Charlie walks up to Sandy and introduces himself. He says he just moved in and checks her out. He asks her out and she says she’s meeting someone. Charlie says “Do it here.” His accomplice Vlad knocks her cold and Charlie suffocates her with his bare hand*

Warlock: Good call.

 

*Helen says Barr was in Ohio when this happened. Reacher says this is getting messy and she needs to take care. Next day Emerson finds Sandy dead*

Wizard: Must have roughed her up a bit to make it look like a mugging.

 

*Emerson tells his secretary to find someone strong enough to kill a girl with one punch. She says to check out Ernie Johnson. Meanwhile Reacher drives to a motel with Charlie and Vlad on his tail*

Warlock: He’s still using that guy’s car.

Wizard: He said keep it as long as possible.

 

*Reacher watches Sandy’s body being hauled off from the motel grounds. Reacher realizes that he’s being set up. Emerson walks out and clenches his fist. Reaches for the clutch. Emer pulls his gun and Reacher drives off*

Wizard: He wouldn’t be stupid enough to leave a body at the place he’s staying at.

Warlock: Emerson doesn’t seem smart enough to realize that.

 

*We get a two way chase scene where the cops are on his tail along with Charlie. He plays tag with Charlie*

Warlock: Oh boy, a chase scene.

 

*The camaro dies and Jack can’t get it started for a few seconds*

Warlock: Oh shit.

Wizard: Burn some rubber!

 

*Reacher does wheelies and slowly drives away*

Warlock: I get it, he was throwing off the cops by leaving tire marks.

Wizard: No, he’s looking for Charlie.

 

*Charlie rams the Camaro and they just bounce off*

Warlock: He’s in a muscle car, they’re in a damn Audi.

 

*Emer and Jack just look at each other*

Warlock: Should have pulled his gun.

 

*Emer crashes into a pair of cruisers as Reacher nearly runs over pedestrians. He keeps the car moving and walks out of it*

Warlock: He’s ghost riding.

 

*Reacher stands with the crowd at the bus stop and some black guy gives him his hat as the cops surround the Camaro*

Warlock: Hahahahahahaha that’s awesome.

 

*Reacher sits on the bus and gives the man his hat back*

Wizard: A real gentleman.

 

*Emerson and DA Rodin try to pin all the murders on Reacher. Helen doesn’t want to hear it. Reacher calls Helen and says he didn’t do it, Helen believes him. He claims he stole her car and she can end it by filing a missing report. Otherwise, he says the person setting him up has the most to lose if Barr is cleared. Its either her, DA Rodin or Emerson….one of them is the mole*

Warlock: Don’t trust anyone.

Wizard: I say its Emerson.

 

*Helen tells Emerson and DA Rodin to leave, they do*

Wizard: You’re in the deep shit now honey.

 

*Reacher takes her car to the firing range. He spots a deer head on the wall inside the store*

Wizard: Its John Deere.

 

*Cash is running the store. He gives off a few sniper quips and Reacher introduces himself as Aaron Ward*

Warlock: The hockey player.

 

*Cash says Reacher is no jughead and anyone can see that. Reacher wants to know who Barr and his friends are. He says Barr is innocent and is trying to prove it. He wants Cash’s help. Cash says to put 3 rounds in the center and they’ll talk. Reacher says he needs warm up shots. Cash hands him one round*

Warlock: The cold barrel shot.

 

*Reacher is 300 yards away. He fires the cold barrel shot 6 inches to the right of center mass. Cash says that’s his mulligan and this ones for real. Reacher hits two shots dead center before picturing Barr being trained personally by Cash. Reacher hits the third and Cash says Barr was the best shooter he ever saw. Reacher says Barr wasn’t THAT good. He had a friend and the security camera reveals Charlie is the real shooter*

Wizard: There he is.

 

*Reacher calls Helen and says he has the real shooter’s evidence and he’ll be back in 3 hours. Helen says she can’t talk and hangs up. She tells her father about the Russian syndicate that permeated Lebendauer Enterprises and they killed Oline after she couldn’t be bought off. Helen starts to think her father is the mole. She says she pulled all these files under her own name and if Reacher’s right, she’s in danger now. She says she’s given him enough evidence to investigate Lebendauer and whether or not he’s on her side or not will depend on if he does it. DA Rodin says she needs to be put in protective custody and she says she’s not safe. She leaves and looks behind her*

Wizard: Checking her six.

 

*Helen goes into the elevator and Emerson joins her. He pulls out a taser and nails her with it. He walks out and Charlie and Vlad are there. They pull her out of it*

Wizard: See? I was right.

 

*Reacher uses his payphone to call her cell. Charlie answers and says he has Helen. Charlie says if he’s not there in an hour, she’ll die. Reacher says he has enough evidence to go to the feds and the laweyer is all his. He hangs up*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha.

 

*Reacher calls back and says he’s coming after Charlie because he has nothing to lose. Charlie gives him an address where a gaggle of Zec’s men are waiting for him. Zec, Vlad and Emerson stand over Helen*

Wizard: Jumpy little prick.

 

*Cash shows up with his own gun. “If I had a dollar for every time the Army asksed the Corps for help”

Warlock: Hahaha.

 

*Cash admits he saw Reacher shoot ten years ago and refuses to let Reacher use his own gun. Cash’s plan is to use Reacher as bait so he can start shooting*

Wizard: Hahahaha.

 

*Cash gets set up outside of Zec’s camp. Helen says Zec means “prisoner”. Zec says there’s never enough money that can be taken. Emerson says he had no choice to do this and she’ll see. Zec says anything happens to her will be in front of her begging father. Zec says once they kill Reacher she won’t be so confident*

Warlock: Good acting.

 

*Reacher calls Helen and says she won’t be hurt until they have him and that won’t happen. He’s coming to get her. Meanwhile Charlie prays behind his rifle. Reacher drives backwards in Helen’s car toward the camp. Charlie shoots at him*

Warlock: He’s not supposed to miss.

 

*Reacher says anytime now gunny. We show Cash with his eyes closed*

Wizard: He’s trying to hear where they’re coming from.

 

*Cash misses every shot and Charlie figures out Reacher has cover fire. Vlad, some goon and Charlie take turns shooting at Reacher who runs around. Cash still can’t hit shit. The goon finds Cash and Cash shoots him through the corner of the building*

Wizard: Noce shooting.

 

*Reacher dropped his knife scampering away from Vlad*

Wizard: You brought a knife to a gunfight.

 

*Reacher pounces and bashes Vlad’s head in with a rock*

Wizard: Oh I like that.

 

*Reacher uses Vlad’s body as cover as he takes out the goon*

Warlock: Two down, 1 to go.

 

*Charlie shines light on Cash’s position. Reacher uses Vlad’s gun to shoot at Charlie to disrupt his shot. He and Cash fire simultaneously and Cash’s shot goes through Charlie’s gun while Cash is tagged in the face*

Warlock: Dueling snipers. Modern day Enemy At The Gates.

 

*Reacher runs inside where Helen is being held. He figures out he’s in the wrong place and steals a big rig. Meanwhile Charlie walks into the real office and orders goons out to go get Reacher. The goons shoot the big rig and its really Cash driving. Reacher pops up and takes out the goons*

Wizard: Clever.

 

*Charlie by himself walks outside and right into Reacher who makes him drop his gun*

Wizard: At the end of this, Reacher takes out 8 guys by himself.

Warlock: Time for the one on one fight.

 

*Reacher drops his gun and wants Charlie hand to hand*

Warlock: I called it.

 

*Charlie and Reacher fight one on one. Charlie is favoring where Cash shot him. Reacher crack Charlie’s leg and Charlie pulls out a knife. Reacher disarms him again and snaps his wrist*

Wizard: Ooh that’s another broken bone. That was a wrist. Now for the neck!

 

*Reacher snaps Charlie’s neck*

Wizard: Hell of a way to die.

 

*Emerson hides behind Helen with two guns. Reacher drops the knife and says he knows Emerson is in there. Reacher says he knew Emerson was in on it because of the quarter. Nobody would have thought to dump the meter, not even Reacher. Jack pounces and shoots Emer dead*

Warlock: Yeah!

Wizard: Where’s The Zec?

 

*Helen tells Reacher he was wrong about her father. Reacher says he won’t make a thing of it. Reacher asks who The Zec is and asks for his real name. Chelovek is his real name. Reacher says “Human being prisoner.” He tells Helen to call the cops. Reacher says he knew he wouldn’t have to shoot him. Zec says he’ll walk if they arrest him, Reacher is the wanted man. Reacher says no one is going to prison and shoots Zec in the head. Helen bitches about clearing everyone and Reacher says she’ll do it*

Warlock: Yup, very easy.

 

*Cash pulls up in his pickup truck and tells Reacher they need to go. Reacher says she’ll know where to find him*

Wizard: He’s already got her number.

 

*Barr is awake and Helen grills him. Barr says he did it because he can’t remember. He says he killed people in Baghdad and got away with it. Helen asks how he would have done it, Barr says he would have done it in a van on a bridge just like Reacher told her he would. Helen looks over at DA Rodin and says James is okay. Barr says he’s not because Jack Reacher said he’d come after him. The end*

Wizard: Well that was good.

 

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: 8 out of 10…that was damn good with a few pacing issues. Other than that it was a lot of fun and worth watching again.

Final Grade: 8 out of 10.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: That was damn good. If that was based off One Shot, I wonder what the sequel “Never Go Back” will be like. I guess we’ll find out another time. That about wraps up another amazing adventure, have a pleasant evening.

252. The Quiet Man (1952)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of Pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock turns his head and the lights flicker before he walks inside*

Warlock: Happy St Patrick’s Day here at the Realm. Even though I’m not Irish, Mr. Wallstreet and Neyzor Blades are. Wallstreet couldn’t make it to day but…..

*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner wearing a green dress and holding a mug of beer*

Neyz: Yeah, its my day so I’M picking the movie.

Warlock: As you wish, what do you have for us.

Neyz: Since St. Patrick’s Day is an Irish festival, I figure we pick one of my nana’s favorite movies. The 1952 John Wayne movie The Quiet Man.

Warlock: I used to see that advertised. Isn’t he supposed to be in Ireland in that one?

Neyz: Exactly, hence St. Patrick’s Day.

*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: John Ford directed it so it must be good.

Neyz: I don’t know who that is but I do know this is good, so shut up and watch.

W: Yes ma’am. Without further adieu its time for The Quiet Man.

 

Directed by John Ford

Written by Frank S Nugent and Maurice Walsh

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A retired American boxer returns to the village of his birth in Ireland, where he finds love.”

Neyz: I’ve already read it.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: At least its in color.

Neyz: Will you stop?

 

*Sean Thornton (John Wayne) leans his head out of the train stopped in Castletown*

Warlock: Ever been there?

Neyz: Nope.

 

*Sean asks for directions, the police constable (David Hughes) says not to go that way*

Neyz: Hahaha

 

*A crowd gather around Sean and they speak in Irish accents*

Warlock: Without subtitles, I’m lost with these accents.

 

*Railway porter (Paddy O’Donnell) takes Sean’s bag inside the station as everyone banters outside. Sean must take a horse and carriage to his destination*

Neyz: Heh, horse and buggy.

 

*The whole town stares at Sean*

Warlock: Is everyone in on it?

Neyz: I want this to be my hometown.

Warlock: It ain’t Paris.

 

*Sean sits on a rock and looks at the scenery*

Neyz: Look at the scenery, its so beautiful.

W: He’s hearing voices in his head.

 

*Sean says he’s from Pittsburgh but he was born in the little cottage. The carriage driver Michaleen (Barry Fitzgerald) opens up to him. The narrator is Father Peter Lonergan (Ward Bond).

Warlock: I know him.

 

*Peter says Sean’s whole family was good but are all dead. He talks wth Michaleen as Sean spots Mary Kate (Maureen O’Hara) tending to sheep*

Warlock: Baaaaaaaaad boy.

Neyz: Awkward meeting.

 

*Sean is lovestruck by Mary Kate. Michaleen says she’s only a mirage*

Neyz: Hahaha

 

*Sean rides around town, people stare at him*

Warlock: Why does everyone keep staring at him?

Neyz: He’s a famous boxer.

 

*Next frame is at the church*

W: Sucks he smoked 6 packs a day.

 

*Michaleen smokes a pipe as Sean tries to introduce himself to Mary. She crosses herself and runs away. Michaleen “None of that now! Who taught you to be playing pattyfingers in the holy water?”

W: Hahahahaha

 

*Michaleen tells him to forget Mary*

W: Put it back in your pants.

 

*Mary rides off on a bicycle. Peter says the Widow Sarah Tillane had neither chick nor child*

W: She cant pick up chicks either.

 

*Sarah chats with Sean. Sean wants to buy his old house he was born in*

W: So what, he wants to get into real estate?

 

*Will Danaher barges in an accuses Sean of trying to buy the land he wants. She says she hasn’t sold it yet. He says he knew she wouldn’t and goes on a rant. Tillane starts an auction between the two men and Sean wins with 1,000 pounds*

N: How much is 1,000 pounds in American currency?

W: 1300 dollars give or take.

 

*Mary is feeding workers and Will barges in telling them all to get back to work. Mary yells at him to wipe his feet and clean up or he wont be eating tonight. Will is her father*

N: Yeah really.

 

*Guy lighting a pipe calls Sean a Yank. He hits up the bar*

W: Why do I have a feeling there’s about to be a fight?

N: They don’t like foreigners coming in and stealing their houses.

W: He was born there!

 

*Sean lights his cigarette with a lantern*

N: I like when he uses the match on his shoe.

 

*Old man with beard grills Sean about his history. When Sean reveals his father and grandfather, the old man says he’s passed. They all celebrate with drinks and one guy starts singing*

W: Hhahahahaahhaha

 

*The 2 yahoos ask Michaleen about Sean. Michaleen explains what a sleeping bag is*

W: They don’t have sleeping bags in Ireland?

 

*Will heads to the bar with everyone singing. He says he’s not gonna welcome Sean for paying 1,000 pounds for the land. Fahy (Ken Curtis) says he heard Will bid 810. Will tells his lackey to put Fahy’s name in the book*

W: He’s got a hit list.

 

*Will tells Sean to stay away from his sister*

W: Ohhh Mary is his sister.

 

*Will says Sean tried to put the mack on Mary. Sean calls him a liar. Will goes berserk and goes to fight Sean but Sean refuses. He charges but Sean uses his jacket to throw him against the wall. Beard man laughs at Will and Will throws the jacket at him*

W: Ha.

 

*The patrons restrain will until Father Peter and Father Paul (James O’Hara) run in. They break up the fight and tell them to shake hands. Will and Sean do a hard handshake and Will leaves*

W: What a heel.

 

*Michaleen tries to talk Sean out of staying but Sean is adamant*

W: You want to live there?

N: Hell yeah, beats the city.

W: Big City nights.

 

*Mary walks into the cottage, Sean throws a rock through the mirror to drag her out. He kisses her and she goes to roundhouse slap him, connecting on his hand*

W: Hahahaha

 

*Sean sweets talks her*

W: Are Irish girls really this hot tempered?

N: Yeah, we are…got a problem with that???

 

*Sean paints his new cottage as a man and a woman ride up on a bike. Reverand Playfair (Arthur Shields) and his wife (Eileen Crowe) say hi. She checks out his exterior decorating and says he needs horse manure for fertilizer*

W: Hahaha wish censors weren’t around in the 50’s so she could have said horse shit.

 

*A drunk Michaleen in a tux and top hat rants to Mary. He calls him Than Shorton*

N: Hahahahaha

W: She’s got the same look on her face she had in Big Jake.

 

*Mary says her brother owns her house but she can have anyone in the parlor and invites Michaleen in. He asks if there are any bottles inside*

W: You know why God invented whiskey? To keep the Irish from taking over the world.

 

*Michaleen says she’s a fine, steady hand. He pops a cork and throws it*

N: Hahahaha.

 

*Michaleen is trying to ask her out for Sean. He drunkenly admits Sean doesn’t care about her fortune. She gets miffed and tells him to come with her. He gets up but takes the bottle of booze with him*

N: Ha.

 

*Michaleen listens to her rant about the possessions she own and he says maybe he should marry her instead of Sean*

W: That would be an interesting twist to this movie.

 

*Mary sings while playing the piano*

W: But first….a number.

 

*Michaleen listens to the song and asks if she knows Peter and The Ghost. She tells him to put water in his whiskey*

W: Or drano.

 

*Mary and Michaleen spit on their hands and shake them*

W: Gross.

N: That was funny, you germaphobe.

 

*Sean and Michaleen stand outside Mary’s window with matching bolar hats*

W: Is he wearing a derby hat?

N: Aye.

 

*Mary tries to dance around Sean coming over with Will but he blows her off. Sean and Michaleen says they are there to see Will actually*

W: Now we gonna get the fight?

 

*Michaleen says he’s from Pittsburgh, Massachusettes*

W: WHAT? Hardly!

 

*Will tells Mary to beat it so he can talk with Michaleen and Sean. Michaleen wants permission for Sean to date Mary. Sean says he’ll leave but Will says he’s giving him to the count of 3 or else. Sean “If you count to 3 you’ll never hear the count to ten”

W: I love that line.

N: Best believe it.

 

*Sean wants to marry Mary but she can’t. Its Irish tradition to get permission first, Will would never allow it.*

W: Nowadays it doesn’t matter, he’d just hook up with her at the pub.

 

*Sean rides up on a horse and says “Hello Mary Kate Danaher” in a firm tone. A couple of kids (Michael, Patrick and Tori Wayne) sit with her*

W: That’s his fighting voice.

N: She’s got a bug on her.

W: By the way those are his real life kids. The sons were in Big Jake with him 20 years later.

 

*Bagpipe band plays*

W: Fat Bastard is on his way.

N: Shut up.

W: Rowdy Roddy Piper?

N: Shhhhh, I know this song.

 

*Sean enters the horse race*

W: Aren’t these guys too big to bee jockeys?

 

*Mary looks sad*

W: She’s got a bee in her bonnet.

N: Wind is gonna blow it off.

 

*Emcee tells the ladies to put their bonnets on the trophy. Mary refuses*

N: What a dope.

 

*Will threatens Michaleen wearing a snap brim hat that hes gonna put him in the book. Father Peter shows up and they both try to tell Will that Mary and Sean have real feelings*

W: Wow.

 

*Will tries to get Mary to put up her bonnet, she refuses. Sean stomps out a cigarette in front of her*

W: Hahaha, dick move.

 

*Mary finally puts up her bonnet*

W: About damn time.

N: She’s gonna tie it though.

 

*The race begins and Sean tanks it. Then he starts picking up the pace*

W: He almost cleaned out that other guy.

N: Awww see the dog running alongside.

 

*The 2 yahoos mock Sean and say it would be a shame if he broke his neck*

W: Statler and Waldorff over here.

 

*Sean and Will are neck and neck. Sean wins and takes Tillane’s bonnet. The other’s finish and Mary’s is the only one unchosen*

N: Serves you right.

 

*Reverend recognizes Sean as “Trooper Sean” and Sean tells him to keep quiet about it*

W: What?

N: You’ll see.

 

*Will puts up 350 pounds to Father Peter*

W: For what?

 

*Sean paces back and forth outside a church. Will brings Mary to Sean*

W: They’re gonna marry after all?

 

*Will gives permission to Sean in front of everyone….but under usual conditions. He asks Michaleen to watch them and he says he will. He refuses to let them enter a cart side by side*

W: THAT’S how they marry in Ireland?

N: Yeah, much simpler times.

 

*Sean asks why Michaleen has to come along. In the States he’d just drive up, honk the horn and go. Mary says she’s NOT to be honked at*

W: Hahahahahaha.

 

*Michaleen is there to drive the couple to the church.”Off ya go!”*

N and W: Ohhhhhhhh.

 

*Michaleen “No pattyfingers if you please”

W: Oh he’d hate me.

 

*Mary and Sean walk and talk, Sean says nice bonnet. She says he left her bonnet out to dry and goes to hit him. Michaleen “Easy now, have the manners to wait until he’s your husband to hit him”

W: Hahahaha.

 

*Mary says she has a bad temper*

W: Yeah no shit.

 

*Sean and Mary run off and steal a bike. They ride off, Michaleen ride off after him*

W: There’s a story for the pub later.

 

*The horse stops at the bar, Michaleen shrugs and goes in*

W: Hahahahahahaha

 

*They frolic around the area. He runs across a pond*

W: Well he’s not Jesus Christ.

N: Still wearing a bowler hat.

W: He stole my hat.

N: He threw it away.

W: That’s even worse.

 

*They walk through the graveyard*

W: I do have to ask, what’s the point of the movie now? He got the girl….what could go wrong? We still have an hour to go.

 

*Mary doesn’t want to be kissed and wants to go through the proper Irish traditions. Sean says nope*

N: That’s so American.

 

*It begins to rain so Sean puts his jacket on Mary*

N: Nobody does that anymore.

W: Nobody wears jackets like that. Its either hoodies or nothing.

 

*Seans white shirt is soaked through and becomes see through*

N: My grandma was onto something with John Wayne, mmhmmm.

 

*Sean gets his picture taken with an old fashioned camera*

N: Yeah, taking selfies in those days involved gunpowder.

 

*Father Peter sings Irish drinking songs at the wedding party for Sean and Mary*

W: Gotta love drinking songs at a wedding.

 

*Michaleen says they need to see the bride’s fortune. Sean stands next to Mary and Will drops 350 pounds in front of them*

W: So that’s what that was about.

 

*Yahoo toasts Sean and Mary*

W: They’ve all been poisoned. Will’s last revenge!

 

*Will has an announcement to make*

W: He’s FULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

 

*Will announces that he’s proposing to Sarah Tillane. Sarah is horrified. She smashes her glass and storms out. Will goes on a rampage, throws Michaleen’s drink, throws the money all over the floor and tells everyone to get out*

N: He’s lost it.

 

*Mary tries to pick up the gold coins and says its HER money and Sean knocks them out of her hand. He goes to leave and Will drops him with a right hook. Sean has a flashback of his boxing days where he killed a man (Jack Roper) in the ring*

W: PTSD sucks.

 

*Ringside doctor (Douglas Evans) pronounces fighter dead*

W: *Fakes death* Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

*Sean comes to and tells Mary “Let’s go home”*

W: Well there goes my “nothing is left” motif. He’s gonna get revenge somehow in the next 50 minutes.

 

*Mary cries that she wanted her own things. Sean says he didn’t know she felt that way*

W: You could have asked her.

 

*Mary says she’s no married woman and tells him she’ll be his servant but not his wife. She wanted her own life and Sean says she’ll have it. Mary locks him out as he lights a cigarette. He punches the door in, grabs her and says they’ll be no deadbolts here or her mercenary heart. He kisses her forcefully*

N: Sometimes a girl just needs some sense put into them.

W: Modern day socials justice gummy bears would have a field day with this scene.

 

*Sean picks her up and throws her in bed, he leaves. She cries in her pillow*

W: Talk about a ruined wedding day.

 

*Sean lights up a cigarette on the floor in his sleeping bag*

W: He’s worse than Constantine.

 

*The wedding party drunkenly makes their way past Sean’s cottage singing Mush Mush*

W: Hahaha they had the party without them.

 

*Michaleen and the gang has brought Mary’s furnature for a wedding present*

W: Does Will know about this?

 

*Michaleen has also brought a cradle rocker. Everybody unpacks but Mary laments losing the money and Sean says let Will have it.  Mary asks one of the yahoos what kind of man she married and he answers a better one than she thinks*

W: Yeah, so shut up.

 

*Michaleen goes into the bedroom and screams “Impetuous!”

W: Oh you have…NO idea!

 

*Mary plays the piano and sings. Sean digs a ditch while he smokes*

W: He’s smoking AGAIN?

 

*Sean plants roses and she bitches that they’re not cabbage or potatoes*

W: Is she the most ungrateful woman in movie history or is it just me?

 

*Mary says they need a plow, a cultivator and other things*

W: What, she wants him to be a farmer?

 

*Mary goes to leave and he smacks her in the ass. She runs off laughing*

W: She doesn’t want hanky panky but she liked that?

 

*Sean bought Mary a one horse carriage. He asks if she can drive it and he said its all hers. She says “Hold on to your hat*

W: When was this supposed to be set? Imagine him rolling by in a 1946 Ford?

N: I think it was the 1920’s.

W: Ohhhhh ok.

 

*Will buys a round of drinks at the pub. Mary wants Sean to ask him for her money. Sean doesn’t want to because that would shame themselves. She calls him a coward and he says he’s sick of talking about money and that’s all her family cares about. She rides off without him*

W: That answers his question. They’re nothing but greedy bastards.

 

*Sean walks home*

W: Look at the look on his face. Somebody’s gonna get knocked.

N: That’s a long walk though.

 

*Sean snaps a stick*

W: Yeah show that twig who’s boss.

 

*Mary spots Father fishing and hides behind a tree*

N: He’s drunk of he doesn’t recognize her staring there.

W: That’s Father Peter, not Michaleen.

 

*Mary speaks in Gaelic about Sean sleeping on the floor in a bag. Father raises his voice about this is Highland and a man should sleep in his own bed before he catches a bite on his line*

N: Was he gonna pop her one?

W: No, just yell.

 

*Father dives in the water trying to ree it in*

N: That’s you fishing.

 

*Father snaps the line and Mary runs off*

N: Now he’s gnna kill her.

 

*Sean lights a cigarette, takes a puff and throws it*

N: He’s wasting so many cigarettes.

 

*Michaleen’s crew drink at the bar*

N: Whatever happened to going to a pub, hanging out with your buddies and not being judged for it.

W: Whatever happened to working for a living, they’re always there.

 

*Sean walks in the pub and wants to talk to Will in private. Will wants to fight but Sean storms off. Michaeleen sits down*

N: What a leprechaun he is.

 

*Elizabeth and Reverand Playfair get visited by Sean. Playfair recognizes Sean and brings up newspaper clippings of Sean killing a man in the ring and vowing never to fight again. Playfair says it was an accident but Sean says he’s carrying it inside. He says he took a man’s life because he intended to beat his brains in. He says he did it for money and he’s afraid of killing Will for the same reason*

W: I get it.

 

*Sean laments Mary’s desire for money and furnature and Playfair reasons that Mary doesn’t want the money just for the money but to feel good about herself. Sean says he won’t fight unless he’s mad enough to kill and maybe she doesnt love him enough*

N: Awww.

 

*Playfair says he may not be around much longer because he could get transfered. Playfair says Will should not be underestimated because he’s got a granite chin and a mean right hand. Playfair used to box himself and shows Sean a picture of his days as a lightweight*

W: Hahaha nice.

 

*Playfair says Sean is in training so no booze for him. Next frame is Sean and Mary lamenting each other’s lives. Sean lights a butt, takes a drag and tosses it*

N: Again with the cigarettes.

 

*Sean wakes up and looks for Mary. Michaleen says she’s gone. She left because she didn’t want Sean to fight Will, she loves him too much. Sean throws his cigarrette and says to saddle up his horse*

N: See, throws it.

 

*Mary gets on the train*

W: Where’s she going?

N: Away, that’s what I feel like doing.

 

*Conductor gives the constable shit for the train leaving late. Before fisticuffs break out Sean rides up on horseback and dismounts, pounding on the train searching for Mary*

W: Is he gonna hitch the horse?

N: Nope, he don’t give a fuck.

 

*Sean literally grabs Mary, drags her off the train and through the crowd*

W: Now spank her in front of everyone.

 

*Sean drags Mary with her and the entire town follows them. Michaleen at the pub gets the phone call that Sean is bringing her back. Michaleen grabs a gun and leaves while the bartender says the drinks are on the house.”Well…they are.”

N: Ha!

 

*Maryn loses her shoe, the constable retrieves it. She trips and falls and he drags her across the glass. He gets up and pushes her forward. She sits down to pick up her shoe and he drags her forward. She takes a swing, he ducks and he knees her in the butt. Mrs Playfair gives him a stick to hit Mary with*

W: They could never get away with this now but it sure is funny.

 

*The pub clears out and joins the crowd as Sean continues to drag and pull Mary. He says its only 5 miles to Will’s estate, a good stretch of the legs*

N: Hahaha.

 

*The farmers working for Will tell him Sean is on his way. Sean walks up dragging Mary*

W: Here we go, time for the big fight!

 

*Sean says Will owes him 350 pounds and he wants it now. Will says he wont pay it. Sean throws Mary to him and says he can have her back. Will throws the money at him, Sean picks it up and throws it in the fire. Will throws a punch but Sean ducks and busts him with an uppercut to the ribs. Mary says she’ll have supper ready and walks off*

N: She’s cooked.

 

*Will drops Sean with an uppercut and Sean says he asked for it. Michaleen has 3 to 1 odds on Sean. Sean beats the living daylights out of Will and a huge brawl develops*

W: Typical day in Ireland. Its a free for all.

 

*Michaleen fires his gun to stop everyone. Michaleen says this is a one on fight and nobody else should be fighting. Marques of Queensbury rules are in effect, shake hands and come out fighting. Will says the rules are in effect and kicks him in the face. Sean fights back as Widow Tillane says she wants Will to win*

N: Why?

 

*Reverend’s boss has 5 to 1 odds on Will, Playfair says he’s on. Sean punches Will into the river and Will says “Ya had enough?” Sean laughs and says yes. Will says to get him out of the water and when Sean helps him out, Will sucker punches him*

W: Saw that coming.

 

*Priest gives an old man last rites but the old man pops up when he hears a fight brewing. He runs outside*

W and N: Hahahahaha

 

*Priest runs to get Father Peter. The brawl spills into the town square as Peter hops a fence. Priest says they should stop it and an excited Peter gets into the fight. Will is decked again. Sean asks Michaleen how the fight is going, its even money. Will punches Sean into the horse trough and Sean says “Thanks”. The bartender says the drinks are on the house so Will and Sean take a break to hit up the bar*

W: Ha.

 

*Will says its peaceful and quiet in there. Sean and Will share a pint but both refuse accept the other payng for them. They throw money around and Sean asks what time it is, the bartender says 5. Sean punches Will through the door and down. Sean wins*

N: There’s the bell.

 

*Will and Sean sing as they stagger toward Mary’s house. Sean invites him in for more drinks as they have supper. Father Peter narrates that Tillane is about to run over someone on her bicycle*

W: Hahahahha

 

*Playfair gets a standing ovation by the town. Michaleen tells Will and Tillane “No pattyfingers if you please*

W: Ha.

 

*The entire cast is shown sending Will and Tillane off on their honeymoon, Sean and Mary wave goodbye as well and frolic back to their house*

W: Let me guess, that’s it.

 

*THE END*

W: Yup, usually that’s how they ended back then, with a big orchestral outtro.

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment:

The Warlock’s Assessment: That was really good, I give it a 7 out of 10.

Final Grade:

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

W: That was pretty good. Ireland in the 1930’s when this was set would make 2017 liberals heads explode. Life was a lot different back then and this movie captured it very well. It was mostly drama with a lot of humor mixed in. It’s definitely worth a look as a classic. Yes John Wayne beats someone up but not in the classic sense. I do recommend it if you know what you’re in for. If you’re offended by everything in life, John Wayne dragging Maureen O’Hara around isn’t for you. For the rest of us normal folk who appreciate good humor in proper context, check this out. That about wraps up our St. Patrick’s Day spec…..

*Ney raises her pint of Guinness and speaks with a perfect accent*

N: Have a special fuckin evening lads and lassies.

251. Kingpin (1996)

 

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades while holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I dont think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock spins midair and walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight Neyzor Blades and I are taking a look at a Farrelly Brothers comedy from 1996…that movie is Kingpin.

*Neyz is sitting in the recliner wearing standard attire*

N: Finally something that doesn’t suck.

W: Hey Freaky Friday didn’t suck.

N: You got lucky.

W: Oh whatever.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: So lets get this going its time for Kingpin.

 

Directed by Bobby and Peter Farrelly

Written by Barry Fanaro and Mort Nathan

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A star bowler whose career was prematurely “cut off” hopes to ride a new prodigy to success and riches.”

Neyz: I just know that its funny.

 

*Young Roy (Will Rothhaar) bowls with his father Calvert (Daniel Greene). Calvert says he can apply bowling to his life*

Warlock: Really?

 

*Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) bowls in 1979 with Disco Inferno by The Village People playing*

Warlock: Gene Simmons would hate this.

 

*Roy makes his ball stop mid motion and disco shimmies it for a strike*

Warlock: Hahahaha what the fuck was that?

 

*Roy disco dances with his father watching*

Warlock: That’s my boy!

 

*Calvert says Roy will be the Dimaggio and Unitas of bowling. They hug goodbye and Roy is off to the pro bowler’s tour. Roy is mocked by Ernie McCracken (Bill Murray). Ernie says his butt is about to explode like a fried brautwurst. Roy bowls a strike to defeat Ernie in the Odor Eaters invitational*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*The gas station attendant Fatima (Sayed Badreya) says someone put sugar in Roy’s tank. Ernie shows up and insults Fatima. At the diner inside, he insults the waitress as well*

Neyz: What a dick!

 

*Ernie asks if he wants to make more money, Roy falls for it. Ernie says hi to an old lady*

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahaha

 

*Ernie and Roy are selling “dictionaries” for extra money. Roy gets annihilated but Roy makes a 1,500 dollar bet he can pick up a spare. Ernie yells at him to make it or mess it. Roy hits it. Ernie in the car says it may not be legal but it sure is fun. Roy spots the sugar in the back seat. Roy gets left behind by Ernie for the angry locals. Roy gets his hand destroyed*

Warlock: Wow……

 

*17 years later Roy is living in a run down apartment with no hair*

Neyz: What happened to Woody???

Warlock: Isn’t that his real hair?

 

*Roy “Hey Herb how’s life?” Herb “Slowly.” The landlady (Lin Shaye) yells at him*

Warlock: Hahahaha.

 

*Roy is trying to sell stuff to the Lancaster Bowling Manager (Googy Gress). Ishmael (Randy Quaid) bowls and Roy spots something in his form*

Warlock: Oh what arcade games in the background are those?

Neyz: Pay attention to the movie.

 

*Roy has a prosthetic hand but still has his 1979 Iowa State Champion ring. Ishmael rides off on his bike. Roy tries to become his manager*

Neyz: Hahahhaa

 

*Roy hustles the convenience store clerk for extra money*

Warlock: That’s so adorable.

 

*Roy scares the daylights out of a baby’s mother and steals the baby bottle to put in his milk*

Warlock: I can’t tell who’s worse, him or Bill Murray.

 

*Roy stops a robber from robbing the Landlady. Later on Roy and robber split their cut…until the Landlady walks in and Roy throws hot coffee in the robber’s face again and throws him out the window. Landlady makes Roy sleep with her to make the rent. Roy throws up as she says she has to pump and dump*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Landlady makes him puke again by making tongue motions*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

Neyz: Ewwwww

 

*Roy pretends to be an Amish with an Irish accent to meet Ishmael and his family. Ishmael recognizes his rubber hand and they speak outside. Ishmael says his family can’t know about it. Roy says there’s a million dollar bowling tournament in Reno coming up. If they win they’ll split everything 50/50. Ishmael says he’ll think about it. Next day Roy milks a bull*

Neyz: Grossssss

 

*Montage of Roy being a non-help at the Amish festival. The Amish get mad when Roy leaves for the dinner bell. Thomas (Zen Gesner) gets mad and Roy blows him off. Ishmael has to re-shoe Buttercup, the biggest horse in the county. His father makes Roy de-shoe him. Pa says Ishmael needs to come up with 500 thousand dollars or they lose their land. Ishmael figures out he has to bowl to win the money. Meanwhile Roy runs out with the hooves cut off with the shoes still attached, Pa is mortified. Rebecca (Michele Matheson) says goodbye to Ishmael*

Neyz: Hahahaha

 

*Ishmael loses to a club player. He reveals he plays 15 frames, not 10. His 270 average is more a 150 with 10 frames. Roy drives Ishmael home but Ishmael wants to go to Reno. Ishmael says the name Munson means to blow it. Roy has a hallucination of Landlady so he invites Ishmael back in the car. Ishmael “You were just testin meeeeee”

Neyz: Hahahaha

 

*Roy gets it in the nuts with a bowling ball*

Warlock: Hahahahahahaha

 

*Montage of Ishmael learning how to bowl better. Roy gets his hand knocked off by Ishmael*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Ishmael does number 2 in a urinal*

Neyz: Oh my goddddddd

 

*Roy and Ishmael get into bowling hustling. Ishmael acts horribly and the clerk calls them on it. The clerk says to show up at midnight. Roy has monopoly money underneath a 100 dollar bill. Stanley (Rob Moran) has Claudia (Vanessa Angel) show them to the bowling alley. Ishmael needs 3 strikes to win. He gets two easily but Claudia distracts him by erecting her nipples in a freezing. Ishmael erects his own to get Roy a beer. Ishmael “I’m kind of nippy”

Warlock: Hahahahahhahahaa

 

*Ishmael gets the third strike. Claudia “The great Stanley got beaten by a farm boy in his own track”

Warlock: This isn’t gonna end well.

 

*Stanley slaps Claudia in the back and figures out Roy has monopoly money. He tells his assistant to cut off Ishmael’s left hand. Claudia hits the lights to allow Roy and Ishmael to escape. She slashes Stanley’s tire and they all drive off in Roy’s car*

W: Oh boy, a chase scene!

N; Not really.

 

*Claudia has no idea why she did this and starts freaking out. Roy says to be more like Ishmael and turns to see Ishmael in a trance like state*

N: Ha look at the face.

 

*Pa sends Thomas off to bring back Roy in a horse and buggy*

Warlock: Now this?

 

 

*Claudia, Roy and Ishmael eat at some dive bar. Roy whines about his prothstetic hand and Claudia says it must be hard to spank his monkey. Ishmael “You have a monkey?”

W: Ha.

 

*Woman asks Ishmael to dance.  He slow dances with her horribly*

Warlock: I can dance better than that.

 

*Claudia tells Roy she doesn’t care about him, only Ishmael. Roy says she’s no angel and she responds they are partners because he doesnt have enough money to get to Reno. He tells her to butt out and she says he’s an idiot. Roy “Well who are you, Alfred Einstein?”

W: Ha.

 

*Woman spots her boyfriend Skidmark (Roger Clemens) and his crew walk in. Warlock spits out his drink*

W: Is that Roger Clemens???

N: The Red Sox pitcher?

W: It IS Roger Clemens! Holy shit!!!

 

*Ishmael says he’d like to meet him but she says he doesn’t want to. Ishmael “Hey Mr Skidmark! Meanwhile Claudia tells Roy he’s as fresh as a Foghat concert*

W: Hey Slow Ride is a great song?

N: Yeah, 20 years ago.

 

*Claudia says she’s got 500 bucks and Ishmael likes her. Meanwhile Skidmark has Ishmael by the shirt collar and Ishmael says she taught him to dance and asks if he wants to as well*

W: Hahhahaha, Randy Quaid is taller than The Rocket.

 

*Skidmark’s boys threatens Ishmael so Roy runs up and punches Ishmael himself to keep them off him. Skidmark gives Roy a high five. In the car Claudia tends to Ishmael and she sarcastically says “That was really heroic Munson”

W: Hahahahaha.

 

*Apparently Roy had beers with Skidmark’s crew and rubbed tabasco in Ishmael’s eyes. Roy relends and lets Claudia be partners. Montage of Claudia helping Ishmael win to Bow Wow Wow’s I Want Candy. They hustle an old lady out of a mobility scooter*

N: What a dick.

 

*Roy tries to leave Claudia behind but she’s already in the car. Roy “There’s a huge cloud of…….shit.” Ishmael “Wow a huge cloud of shit! I think I can smell it, let’s go!”

W: Hahaha.

 

*Claudia kicks Roy in the junk. Roy accuses her of trying to steal Ishmael from him,. She beats the shit out of him. While they were fighting Ishmael leaves and knows what they were up to. They drive off as he walks home. Roy drives past his old town and says he hasn’t been there in 17 years. Claudia says he looks good, real sharp*

W: After beating the daylights out of him?

 

*Roy drives through town and everything from his past his boarded up*

N: That’s sad.

 

*Roy finds his old bowling pit by his father’s old shop. His father died 10 years earlier and he didn’t have the nerve to come back. Claudia said hed be proud of Roy teaching Ishmael. Roy says not like this. We cut to Ishmael reading a sign saying Lap Dancer wanted and he literally sits and gets lapdances for 8 hours thinking he should be paid for sitting there. The owner threatens to kick his ass outside until Ishmael says he’ll do anything*

N: Poor Ishmael.

 

*Claudia wants to start over with Roy. Roy and Claudia find Ishmael at the nudie bar dancing for the patrons in drag*

N: Grosss….the tongue.

 

*Roy and Claudia grab Ishmael and drive off. Ishmael is mad they were fighting and Claudia promises no more fighting. Ishmael forgives them*

W: Wonderful, let’s get to Reno.

 

*Another montage of weird shit including Ishmael and Roy plauing the shaving crea trick on each other. Ishmael and Claudia dance in the car. Claudia offers Ishmael a drink, he turns her down to take a hit from a bong*

N: Hahaha yes!

 

*Jeffersons on Ice. Roy “I love Sherman Helmsley”

W: Ha.

 

*Ishmael wakes up with a tattoo on him and freaks out*

W: Really?

 

*Claudia, Ishmael and Roy walk through a Casino in Vegas and a high roller bets 800 grand. He holds the dice in front of Claudia and says how about a little luck? Ishmael says “Sure thing and throws the dice. The high roller wins*

W: Hahahahahaha.

 

*Ernie is the number 1 ranked player in Reno and he hands a woman his hotel number and says no one can beat him. Someone asks about a potential paternity suit and he says he pulled out early on that stone faced liar*

N: Ugh, I hate his character.

 

*Ernie spots Roy and says its been a while. Ernie picks up Roy’s fake hand and says for the first few years he felt responsible then laughs. Roy says he’s thought about what to say to him every day for 17 years and Ernie blows him off. Ernie recognizes Claudia and its revealed she’s his ex. Ernie wants her back but she’d rather mop floors at a peepshow. Roy tells him to beat it. Ishmael tells him not to lower himself to Ernie’s level and Ernie says Munson is a born loser. Ishmael goes to punch him but hits the wall instead when Ernie ducks. Ishmael says Ernie has 5 seconds to get his childbearing hips out of there before he shoves his ass in his face. Ernie tells Claudia what room he’s in and runs away awkwardly*

N: Look at him run!

 

*Ishmael runs off with a damaged hand as Stanley appears behind Claudia. Stanley says if she thought she felt pain, its nothing compared to what he’s gonna do to Roy and Ishmael. She says they should take the 42 grand a run*

W:I knew he’d come back.

 

*Ishmael’s hand is broken and he can’t play. Roy and Ishmael walk into an empty room and realize Claudia took the money and ran. They hit up the bar where the high roller they helped earlier shows up. He says he’ll pay Roy a million dollars to sleep with Ishmael. Roy whispers to him and next we see Roy on the floor throwing money in the air with Like A Virgin by Madonna playing with Ishmael gargling mouthwash. Then we see it was all an hallucination and the high roller was never there*

W: The hell was the purpose of that?

 

*Roy mulls losing 42 grand and Ishmael says she’ll be back. Ishmael says they’re gonna win the tournament. Roy says how and Ishmael says ROY will win it himself. Roy says no way, not with his hand and we see an obsene commercial on TV where Ernie fondles a bunch of single moms. Roy is pissed beyond belief and he walks into the stadium wearing 70’s clothes. He goes to register and the clerks say he hasn’t paid his dues in 17 years. He asks how much that’s gonna cost*

N: 42 grand.

 

*The clerk says he owes 38 dollars in unpaid dues*

W: Not exactly 42 grand.

 

*Roy gives up his championship ring as collateral to enter. He bowls and his hand goes with it, he hits a strike. Munson’s odds are 1,000 to 1. Montage of everyone bowling, Munson does very well. Munson’s odds go back to 400-1. We get a useless scene where Roy and Ishmael get a prison bath before going back to the bowling. The quarterfinals show Ernie as the first seed facing Nesbit and Munson as the second seed facing Palombi*

W: Its funny how he wanted Ishmael to bowl to win the million and he’s doing it himself, Ishmael is pretty much useless now.

N: He made a friend.

 

*Roy finds a love letter on the scoreboard saying Claudia is sorry and to marry her. He looks around excited until he sees it was written by Ernie as a prank*

N: That dick!

 

*John Dennis of WEEI interviews Roy*

W: Heh, its Dennis from Dennis and Callahan….now Kirk and Callahan.

N: From WEEI?

W: Yup.

N: The “CLEAN UP AFTER MIKE ADAMS” guy?

W: The same.

 

*Dennis asks Roy what he’s been doing for 17 years, Roy says a lot of drinking. Dennis asks him if he’s still drinking and he says “Why, you buying?”

W: Before he sobered up, Dennis would have been.

 

*The semi-finals has Ernie against Pedersen. Manwhile Roy defeats his semi-final opponent. The final match is Ernie against Roy with Chris Berman is covering the event for ESPN. Before the event Roy pukes*

W: Pulling a Bill Russell.

 

*Ishmael asks if he’s been drinking. Roy says its withdrawl from not drinking. Roy and Ernie make their entrances and Roy trips*

W: Ha!

 

*Ernie takes the first shot and hits a strike. Some fan gives Roy a kiss for good luck. Roy hits a strike of his own. Montage of the back and forth game*

N: These guys are real life friends right?

W: Oh yeah they probably had a blast filming this.

 

*Stanley and Claudia are at some resort hotel. Claudia watches Roy bowling and cheers him on. Roy is leading by 9 going into the final frame. He bowls a 7-10 split and Dennis on commentary says he has no chance. Meanwhile Thomas shows up and tells Ishmael to come home. Ishmael says if Roy wins, they win a million and can save the farm. Thomas says time to go home and Ishmael leaves*

N: Awww what?

 

*Roy picks up the split but realizes Ishmael is gone. Claudia from the bar watches Roy pick up the final strike to give himself a 29 pin lead. Ernie needs 3 straight strikes to win it. He gets the first two as tension mounts*

W: 16 minutes left, how is this gonna endddddd???

 

*Ernie throws…..and hits the third strike to win. Ernie “I’m the greatest! I’m the greatest!” Ernie wins 226 to 225. Ernie pulls off Roy’s hand and throws it to the crowd*

N: What? That’s awful. He won??

 

*Roy sits there dejected. A janitor hands him back his hand. He screams in agony and goes to his car. Stanley and his assistant attack and say Claudia ran off with his money, Roy says welcome to the club. They all hit each other in the nuts as Stanley says she called Ernie 14 times. Roy calms everyone down and says its his own fault for losing his hand and its Stanley’s fault Claudia is gone*

W: Wow this ending sucks.

 

*One week later Roy is pouring all his booze down the drain when Claudia walks in. She brought the money and Roy gives her shit for leaving. She reveals she called Ernie to get Stanley to go after him to throw Stanley off. She says she doubled the money because Stan bet on Ernie to win. She wants Roy back. Roy reveals he got a 500 thousand dollar endorsement deal from Trojan and tells her to beat it*

W: Now what?

 

*Ishmael returns with Thomas and says he can’t face his family, he wanted to save the family. Thomas says they know he meant well. Ishmael walks in and Roy and Claudia are there, they told Pa everything. Roy told Pa Ishmael got him to quit drinking and got Claudia to quit being a whore. Roy told Pa that Ishmael is a hero. Roy also has given his 500,000 dollar check to Ishmael to pay off his families debt*

W: So what, Ernie wins and Roy gets nothing at all?

 

*Claudia fixed Roy’s watch, all it had to do was be wound. Roy spots a ladybug and kisses Claudia. The family “Bye brother Munson, bye whore! End credits*

W: Come on….this can’t be it.

 

*Ishmael gets the amish country to dance for the modern music with Landlady making motions in the mirror*

W: One last kick in the ass for me…..good grief.

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I liked it, I give it a 6 out of 10.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5.5 out of 10. That ending soured what was a decent movie.

Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

W: It had some unessecary and obscene scenes that went nowhere but that’s the Farrelly brothers for you. It was a twisted movie that did make me laugh plenty of times. If you can go for crude humor, this ones for you. However, if you like happy endings, stay away. Bill Murray’s character will have you wanting to jump through the screen and strangle him and he wins at the end. I mean, why? It diminished the movie a bit but that’s just me. Anyway that about wraps up another above average adventure, have a pleasant evening.

250. Where Eagles Dare (1968)

*When we last left off, The Warlock was on the set of Lacy Lou’s popular TV show Indy Horror Rising. He had shown how he got into B Horror movies when he watched The Coroner when he was 15 years old*

Lacy: And we’re back with The Warlock. That was very interesting how you chose The Coroner almost at random 17 years ago and here you are today.

W: Unfortunately I have to admit, that movie is apart of my tapestry and can’t change it.

Lacy: Now you were also going to tell me how this all began?

W: Oh yes, I’ve been watching movies with my dad ever since I was old enough to crawl on his lap and one of our favorites was Where Eagles Dare. It was a World War 2 based movie starring Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood filmed in 1968.

Lacy: I have not seen that.

W: What makes this so special is it was one of the first I can remember watching with him. Of course I can’t exactly remember what he said the first time I saw it but I remember when I was 10 exactly what we said.

Lacy: How did you do that?

W: Photographic memory I guess. Either way if The Coroner was one of the worst movies I ever saw, then Where Eagles Dare more than makes up for it.

Lacy: Tell us about it.

*Warlock flashbacks to 1996. 10 year old him is wearing a Bret Hart t-shirt, blue jean shorts and a Boston Red Sox cap*

Warlock: Daddy daddy, what are we gonna do for Father’s Day?

Wizard: I don’t know about you but I’M watching a movie.

Warlock: What movie?

Wizard: Where Eagles Dare.

Warlock: The Clint Eastwood one you like?

Wizard: Yes.

Warlock: Ohhhhh I’ll watch it to.

*Warlock sits on the couch next to Wizard as the movie begins*

 

Written by Alistair MacLean

Directed by Brian G Hutton

 

*Movie opens with a British airplane flying over the Autrian alps with the opening credits and the theme song*

Warlock: I love this song.

Wizard: Every time I hear it I know some nazi scumbags are gonna die. Always a good thing.

 

*The inside of the plane shows a British MI6 hit team led by Major Smith (Richard Burton), including Lt Schaffer (Clint Eastwood), Sgt Christiansen (Donald Houston), Sgt Ted Berkeley (Peter Barkworth), Sgt Thomas (William Squire), Sgt. Harrod (Brook Williams) and Sgt. Jock MacPherson (Neil McCarthy)*

Warlock: Funny thing is Clint Eastwood wasn’t the most well known member of the cast back then.

Wizard: Correct, Richard Burton was the star. Eastwood had just come off the Spaghetti Western trilogy but this was a British movie.

 

*Major Smith has a flashback to their briefing at headquarters, Colonel Turner (Patrick Wymark) and Admiral Rolland (Michael Hordern) brief the hit team on what happened. General Carnaby (Robert Beatty) and his plane was shot down and they were double damned idiots for ignoring Turner’s plea not to fly over Austria*

Warlock: Double damned idiots.

 

*Carnaby is being held in the town of Verfen in the Schloss Adler aka The Castle of Eagles which was named because only an eagle to get to it as it was built high up in the mountains*

Warlock: I want to visit there.

 

*Turner says their mission is to penetrate the castle and get Carnaby out before he talks. Smith asks how the plane was shot down and Turner says a German fighter plane shot him down. Turner says everyone in the room may not have worked together but they know each other except for Schaffer who’s an American Ranger*

Warlock: Why is he there?

Wizard: They’ll explain it.

 

*Turner says they’re all trained in combat and speak fluent German and should be enough to get Carnaby out through stealth and secrecy. Christiansen pipes in and says there’s another way with 100% guaranteed success. Turner says he and Rolland are open to ideas and Christiansen says just to blow the whole place up and nobody will ever talk again*

Wizard: Blowed up real good.

 

*Rolland says Carnaby is an American general and if the Americans figure out that Mi6 killed him then General Eisenhauer will launch the second front against Great Britain instead of the Germans. Christiansen nods his head*

Warlock: If they did that there would be no movie.

 

*Turner asks if there’s any other questions. Harrod asks why he’s so damned important. Turner goes to shut him up but Rolland says he deserves to know. Carnaby knows when and where the Second Front will be and if he talks, the Germans will be ready for it. Harrod apologizes and so does Turner*

Warlock: Second Front is D-Day right?

Wizard: Indeed.

 

*Turner ends the briefing and we’re back on the plane. They get the signal and the entire team paratroops down to drop area in the high alpine pasture. A moment after the team lands, a blonde haired woman jumps out in full gear*

Warlock: Who’s that?

Wizard: You’ll see.

 

*The team lands*

Warlock: That looks like it hurts.

Wizard: Its the sudden drop that gets you.

 

*Smith gets to the equipment locker first and soon the others make their way over as well. They start to gear up when Smith notices one missing. He asks “Where’s Harrod?” Schaffer says he was drifting to the trees nearby. The team splits up to look for him*

Warlock: Good thing Mr. America didn’t see that.

Wizard: They’re all dressed the same, how did he know which one was Harrod?

 

*Sgt Thomas finds Harrod down and screams “MAJOR!”*

Wizard: Way to give your position away.

 

*Smith checks on him, his neck is broken and he’s dead. Christiansen “Dammit!”

Warlock: We got one down.

 

*Berkeley asks what to do. Smith tells the group to pack up and the snow will bury Harrod. Smith wants to see if the radio is working. The group leaves and Smith checks the radio, it works. He looks at Harrod’s neck and discovered the skin is badly discolored*

Warlock: What’s that mean?

Wizard: One of them killed him.

Warlock: A traitor!

 

*Smith says there’s a barn a mile down the valley they can regroup in. Thomas asks what about the people living in it. Smith says there isn’t anyone because the cattle roam there from May to September, otherwise its deserted*

Wizard: Imagine a winter lasting from October to April.

Warlock: No thanks.

 

*Smith and crew make it to the barn. They unpack and Smith says he forgot the radio code book in Harrod’s pocket and he needs to go get it. Christiansen says he’ll get it but Smith says no, its his own fault. He says if he’s not back in an hour, signal him with a flare gun. Christiansen asks what about the Germans and Smith says there’s not a German for 5 miles. He asks Jock to save him some coffee and Jock says it’ll be cold by then. Smith says that’s the advantage, you can’t taste cold coffee”

Wizard: True.

 

*Smith goes to a woodshed 20 feet from the barn where the blonde haired woman pulls a gun on him. Smith turns around and she puts the gun down, the woman’s name is Mary (Mary Ure). She’s a secret member of the team*

Warlock: They better explain this.

 

*Smith isn’t so pleasant with Mary because Harrod was murdered and whoever did it broke his neck to make it look like an accident. He says he’s taking the group at dawn into the town and try not to bump into them*

Warlock: Hahaha Thomas goes “ahhhh who’s thatttttt???”

 

*Smith says they’ll be heading to a bar called Zum Vinden Hirsch, he’ll meet her in the woodshed next to it at 8 pm the next day. He pulls out a nightie from her equipment bag and says she’s come fully prepared*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Mary asks how he knows all this but he stones her cold. Mary “I’m entitled to know.” Smith “You’re entitled to know nothing.” Smith kisses her and the scene cuts*

Wizard: He’s gonna get some exercise.

Warlock: I don’t see a Soloflex.

 

*Jock and Schaffer are the only ones awake. Schaffer is cleaning his gun when Smith arrives back, Schaffer asks where he was and Smith says he met a fabulous blonde. Schaffer asks if she has any friends*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Smith uses the radio and sends Jock and Schaffer to bed. The radio doesn’t work. He’ll try again in the morning*

Warlock: That’s a pain in the ass.

 

*Major leads the team through the woods and then tells them all to stop. He brings Schaffer only to a spying area. They spot the castle and Schaffer asks how anyone can get up there. Smith reveals Turner is a double agent that spent 3 years penetrating the High Command to get in there and if he could, they can. He tells Schaffer to get the boys back behind the trees and he’ll be along shortly*

Warlock: How could he be German and British?

Wizard: The term is “Double Agent”. He posed as a German officer while secretly working for the British. Its like you claiming to be a Yankees fan when you’re really a Red Sox fan.

Warlock: Ohhhhhhhh.

 

*Smith uses the radio and calls Rolland and Turner. He tells them Harrod has been murdered and Rolland says they’ll remain at HQ until the operation is over. Turner says Rolland is right that they have traitors. Rolland says Smith may be next, Turner says no because Smith has a 6th, 7th and 8th sense. Rolland says if there’s a traitor then the mission is impossible*

Warlock: Nothing is impossible.

 

*Schaffer checks out the Schloss Adler cable car system and the army barracks using binoculars. Smith reveals that this is the training ground for German soldiers and spies. Schaffer says he should have told him that earlier. Smith says this was planned and they’re wearing these uniforms because what’s six new faces amongst 600? Schaffer asks why he’s there and Smith says he’s there BECAUSE he’s an American. Suddenly a chopper flies by*

Warlock: A huey?

 

*General Rosemeyer (Ferdy Mayne) exits the chopper and meets Colonel Kramer (Anton Diffring) along with the German battalion. Kramer lines up his senior staff for Rosemeyer to meet. Major Bacola, Major Brant, Colonel Weissner (Victor Beaumont) and Major Von Hapen (Derren Nesbitt) representing the Gestapo*

Wizard: Sons of bitches.

 

*Rosemeyer is clearly miffed to see Von Hapen and as he and Kramer walk away he gives Kramer strict orders to keep Von Hapen out of the questioning of Carnaby until they have the information they need. Rosemeyer “We don’t need the gestapo cluttering things up with their torture chambers.”

Warlock: Wow, even the nazis didn’t like the Gestapo.

Wizard: Very bad men.

 

*Rosemeyer says he wants to rest and relax before meeting Carnaby and the next frame shows the town at night with a train passing by. Smith’s team makes it across the tracks into an equipment shed. They unpack and gear up in German uniforms. They exit the shed and walk amongst the Germans. Smith and Schaffer start speaking English*

Warlock: Wouldn’t that give them away?

Wizard: No, this is a training ground. They’re taught English so they can be spies.

 

*Smith’s men make it to the bar. Some major (John G Heller) gives Smith the stink eye. Smith spots a busty waitress (Ingrid Pitt) and goes to make his move*

Warlock: More exercise?

 

*Smith plants the girl on his lap. Her name is Heidi and Smith sweet talks her. He pulls her in close and tells him to meet him in the woodshed in 5 minutes and slap him in the face. She slaps him and storms off. The major says his conduct is not becoming of the Wehrmacht*

Warlock: The werewolf?

Wizard: Wehrmacht, the German army.

 

*Smith identifies himself as Major Bernd Himmler and to mind his own business. The major gets spooked and shuts up. Smith goes back to Schaffer and Schaffer asks what that was about. Smith says he said he was Himmler’s brother. Schaffer “Yeah I can see why that would shake him up a little*

Warlock: Himmler?

Wizard: Heinrich Himmler was Hitler’s right hand man. He’s the one who oversaw the Holocaust and he was the leader of the Gestapo. Old time Germans say he was somewhat worse than Hitler.

 

*Smith goes to meet Mary in the woodshed. They kiss again. Smith says Mary will penetrate the Schloss Adler by applying for a job. She will be claiming to be Heidi’s cousin and from the Rhineland. Mary says this must have taken a lot of planning, Smith says a long time. Mary says Carmaby’s plane only went down yesterday and Smith said it was arranged that way. They crash landed an empty plane and riddled it with holes, British machine gun holes. Smith “What the hell a hole is a hole is a hole as they say” Mary asks all this for a general and Smith says no. He’s got to get to the castle because that’s not General Carnaby inside but an imposter, an American actor named Cartwright Jones. He’s a corporal and a second rate actor but looks like Carnaby. Mary asks if he talked him into this and Smith said he volunteered, what actor wouldn’t*

Wizard: Did you get all that?

Warlock: So Turner tells everyone that General Carnaby is holed up at the Adler. Now Smith is saying not only is it not Carnaby but everyone but Smith’s men knows its not Carnaby.

Wizard: Yes, this isn’t about Carnaby Jones at all, you’ll see soon.

 

*Mary and Smith get a knock on the door. Its Heidi. Smith says Mary will be taking orders from her from now on as she’s been their top agent in Bavaria since 1941 and has quite a disguise*

Warlock: What?

Wizard: Just admiring her cleavage.

 

*Smith leaves and finds a familiar hat on the ground. He looks around and finds Jock lying in the snow nearby. He checks on him, he’s been beaten to death*

Wizard: Poor Jock.

 

*Smith talks with Schaffer and Schaffer tells him Jock left shortly after Smith did. Schaffer said any one of them could have killed him. Schaffer says he knows Harrod wasn’t killed in the drop so Smith better start telling him what’s REALLY going on or he’s out of this mess. Smith goes to tell him what the real plan is when Mary walks in. Heidi is talking with Major Von Hapen. Heidi warns Mary that he’s gestapo and Von Hapen introduces himself*

Warlock: He looks British.

Wizard: The actor is.

 

*Von Hapen offers to escort Heidi and Mary to the cable car later. Heidi takes Mary upstairs to brief her. Meanwhile Smith has the remaining group at a table and plays stupid, asking where Jock is. Berkeley says he didn’t see anyone leave and Christiansen says he’ll look outside. Suddenly Colonel Weissner and soldiers barge into the bar and says that 4 or 5 deserters from the base killed two officers and are on their way here. He’s going to check everyone’s papers for validity*

Warlock: What?

Wizard: Someone ratted them out.

 

*Smith asks the group for suggestions. Schaffer says they have a better chance outside than inside. Smith agrees. Smith says “Gentleman, see you after the war.” Smith goes up to Weissner and says he and his team are the ones they’re looking for and they’ve come to surrender*

Warlock: This also means the real deserters just got away with it.

 

*Weissner says to take Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley away for questioning while Smith and Schaffer go with him. Von Hapen rings the cable car guy up at the castle who doesn’t answer. Finally the guy (Roy Beck) answers and when Von Hapen identifies himself, the guy rushes to get the car up to the castle*

Warlock: Throws his weight around.

 

*Weissner and three soldiers are crammed into a jeep. Smith gives the signal to Schaffer to do something. Schaffer pushes one of them out of the car as Smith wrestles with the guy next to him to shoot and kill the driver. The jeep crashes and Weissner flies through the windshield*

Warlock and Wizard: Hahahahahaha

 

*The other soldier is apparently dead. Schaffer retrieves the guy they pushed out originally, puts them all in the jeep and he and Smith push the jeep over a cliff where it crashes below and explodes*

Wizard: Blowed up real good.

 

*Von Hapen introduces Mary and Heidi to Lt. Kernitser (Olga Lowe). She runs the female staff at the castle and she escorts them away as Von Hapen goes through Kernitser’s files. Suddenly Kramer walks out and coldly asks if he found anything. Von Hapen says 5 deserters were caught at the bar and Kramer says that those were just the orders and those men were actually 5 British agents in disguise*

Warlock: Oh, my bad.

 

*Von Hapen is pissed he didn’t know about this. They yell back and forth at each other before Kramer storms out. Heidi and Mary gear up in Mary’s room before Heidi tells her good luck. Meanwhile Smith and Schaffer go back to the equipment shed where Smith calls Rolland on the radio.  Smith says Jock is dead, three others are captured and he and Schaffer are going into the castle within the hour. Rolland radios back to pull out and save themselves. Smith says he must be joking and cuts transmission*

Warlock: Down 4 men and still tries to complete the mission.

 

*Turner shouts “Damn it!” Rolland says it was his idea and Germans have penetrated MI6. Turner asks where the Germans got their info since they handpicked every man for this mission. Rolland says the word security has become a bloody joke*

Wizard: There’s a big clue right there, there’s a rat in a high place.

*Warlock looks up at the ceiling*

 

*Schaffer sees Major Brant and a gaggle of soldiers descending on the shed. Schaffer and Smith gather what they need as Schaffer sets a trip wire bomb. Smith and Schaffer escape as Brant steps on the tripwire and the place goes KABOOM!*

Warlock: They just wiped out half of Kramer’s senior officers.

 

*The explosion causes a chain reaction of carnage in town. Soldiers scramble everywhere as Smith and Schaffer kill a few soldiers in order to steal a motorcycle. They drive off and Smith laughs*

Wizard: Having a jolly old time.

 

*Schaffer and Smith wire booby traps to trees and phone poles on their way to the castle base*

Wizard: Its for their escape route.

 

*Heidi exits a cable car by herself and gets checked out by a random soldier*

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Schaffer and Smith make it to a garage with a snowplow bus. He says to put their stuff in the bus and see if it works. It does*

Warlock: Would have been a short trip if it didn’t.

 

*Smith and Schaffer hide inside a building while Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley are taken off a nearby truck at the cab;e car station. Schaffer and Smith climb on the roof and on top of the car while the 3 others are loaded into it. The leader calls the cable car dude and says “Yes, Captain Mueller with 3 prisoners”

Wizard: My favorite line.

 

*The cable car makes its way to the Schloss Adler with Schaffer and Smith on top of it*

Warlock: Love how nobody sees them from the castle.

Wizard: Don’t look down.

 

*Mary enters a dark room up in the castle and prepares a rope*

Warlock: Smith really did have all his bases covered.

 

*Smith and Schaffer jump off the car and use their ice picks to land on the roof. Schaffer’s doesn’t work and he almost falls off. Smith reaches his hand out and pulls Schaffer to safety*

Warlock: That was close.

 

*Smith and Schaffer unload their gear under where the room Mary is in. Schaffer ties one of the bags to the end of the rope as Smith climbs into the room. He chats with Mary and she asks why doesn’t he help Schaffer. Smith says if he can climb up so can Schaffer. Schaffer finally makes it up and pants “You..wouldn’t..mind giving me a hand will ya?”

Warlock: Ha.

 

*Smith introduces Schaffer to Mary and pulls the equipment bag up. The trio packs for battle as Smith tells Mary to take the bombs and the rope to her room while they go spelunking. Smith says the first thing to do is cripple the helicopter so they cant fly Carnaby Jones out. Smith goes into the radio office and shoots the telephone guy dead. Smith finds the chopper pilot (Bill Sawyer) and says the Kommandant wants him on the phone. He enters the room and Schaffer kills him with a knife*

Wizard: Ooooh stabbed the bastard!

 

*Schaffer asks what to do now and Smith says its time to find Jones*

Warlock: Good idea.

 

*Jones is being held in a large dining room where Rosemeyer, Kramer and Kernitser are in various chairs. Jones claims to know nothing about the Second Front and Rosemeyer says he’s done all he can to hold off the high command and the gestapo. He asks one more time but Jones stones him*

Warlock: He looks like Shemp Howard.

 

*Kramer says Kernitser will make him talk before he gets a phone call. He says some very interesting company is on its way. Meanwhile hiding in the shadows Schaffer says they should make their move but Smith says to wait a minute. Meanwhile Mary packs all the bombs and her clothes before getting a knock on the door. Its Von Hapen who invites her out for a drink. She says she has to see Kernitser and he says she can wait. He wants to talk abut Dusseldorf because he went to school there and she’s supposedly from there*

Warlock: Uh oh.

 

*Meanwhile the traitor turns out to be all three of the others, Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley and they share a drink with Kramer*

Warlock: All 3 of them?

Wizard: That’s very poor security.

 

*Kramer taunts Carnaby Jones and asks what the plan was next. Berkeley says they were supposed to get out through Switzerland and Kramer says that’ll be easy. Just take a dinghy out the canal and they’ll be in London in no time. Berkeley says there’s no way they’re going back with Smith and Schaffer still alive. Rosemeyer says its getting late and Kramer says its most unfortunate Jones won’t talk. Kernitser goes to pull out her drugs when Smith and Schaffer walk in. Smith says that will be a waste of drugs. Smith tells everyone to calm down and then points his gun at Schaffer, ordering him to drop his gun and sit down*

Warlock: Him too???

 

*Schaffer sits down and Smith calls him a second rate punk. Smith says the drugs won’t work because this isn’t Carnaby but Cartwright Jones. He says the drugs should be better used on Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley. Berkeley “Don’t listen to him general, its a bluff!” Smith “Keep quiet!”

Warlock: Ha!

 

*Smith introduces himself as “Major Johan Schmidt” working for the SS. Rosemeyer wants him to prove it and Smith says he will but wants Kramer to call in a guard so he doesn’t have to keep an eye on the others*

Warlock: Schaffer got screwed, his whole team are nazi’s.

Wizard: Just wait.

 

*Von Hapen is with Mary and she doesn’t know a god damn thing about Dusseldorf. Mary says she’s tired and has had a long day and Von Hapen says one more Schnapps and he’ll walk her back to her room*

Warlock: What a gentleman.

 

*Back in the dining hall, Smith says its time to reveal the plot. Schaffer is an American assassin brought in to kill Rosemeyer and Kramer and Jones mission was to provide false information about the second front and give MI6 an excuse to come get him. He then says the three others work for MI6. Christiansen “That’s a lie!” Kramer “Let him finish!”

Warlock: Yeah really.

 

*He says the real Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley were captured a month ago and these guys were secret agents penetrating the high command. Thomas “That’s another lie, you can’t prove any of this!” Smith says before he does he wants Carnaby Jones to give up the act. He fires a pistol round into Jones’ seat and that is enough for Jones to admit he’s really Cartwright Jones*

Warlock: No he’s really Shemp Howard.

 

*Smith says the mission was for these three to allow themselves to be captured and taken to Berlin where they can execute the high command while he was supposed to make his own way out through Switzerland. Rosemeyer wants proof and Smith says he’ll have it in 3 parts. The first part is if he’s not Johan Schmidt then why did he just give up Jones? The second part is if the others really are Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley then they would know the name of the top nazi secret agent in Whitehall. Smith says they should at least know the man in charge of the mission. Christiansen argues that they work through contact and that it wasn’t necessary or safe to know who gave the orders. Smith says while that may be true, he knows the man and they don’t. He jots down someone’s name and shows it to Kramer who confirms it*

Wizard: Remember this for later.

 

*Smith says the final portion of the proof is to call Major Wilhelm Wilner (Guy Deghy) the German chief of intelligence working in Italy. The next scene is some aide waking Wilner up to answer the phone. Wilner says to make Smith show his arm and see if there are two scars there. Smith shows his arm and there are. Wilner tells Kramer to ask how he got them. Smith says he was born with them. Wilner “That is right, tell him he’s a traitor.” Smith “Tell him he’s a renegade” Wilner “Hahaha yes, that is Schmidt no question about it.” Kramer thanks him and hangs up. Wilner “Give me the water!”

Wizard: Give me the wassah!

 

*Smith then says Thomas, Christiansen and Berekeley’s mission wasn’t just to penetrate MI6 but to start their own double agent chain of German double agents. Smith says if these men are who they claim to be, they can write down the names of all those agents. Christiansen pipes in and says he doesn’t doubt who Smith is but there’s been a mistake. Smith orders Kernitser to get some pencils and notebooks so we can find out who’s really telling the truth*

Warlock: I’m lost.

Wizard: You’ll get it soon.

 

*Von Hapen bids Mary goodnight and says they should do this again sometime*

Warlock: He seems pleasant enough to her.

Wizard: She’s a blonde, if she was Jewish he’d shoot her on sight.

 

*As soon as Mary shuts the door, creepy music hits and Von Hapen starts looking menacing*

Warlock: What’s that about?

Wizard: He smells a rat.

Warlock: I didn’t know they smelled that bat.

Wizard: Its an expression for he knows something is wrong. She was supposed to be from Dusseldorf and she doesn’t know a damn thing about it.

 

*Thomas, Christiansen and Berkeley are writing their contacts down*

Warlock: There will be a test on this later.

 

*Smith collects the notebooks and throws them in front of Kramer. He goes through them with all eyes on him. Smith looks at Schaffer and nods toward the machine gun he dropped earlier. Kramer is finished and Smith says to check his out. Kramer opens it and there’s nothing in there. He knows he’s been had so he calls for the guard. Smith shoots him dead and Schaffer grabs the machine gun*

Warlock: Wait what?

Wizard: Shut up and listen.

 

*Schaffer “Second rate punk huh?” Smith “All I could think of on spur of the moment” Schaffer “Makes me feel worse”

Warlock: Ha!

 

*Smith gathers up the notebooks and Kramer asks if that’s all he wants, Smith says yes. Kramer says then the trio really are German agents and Smith says yes, they’ve been under suspicion as classified information was going out and useless information was coming in. It took several weeks but they couldn’t prove the trio were double agents and even if they did, what MI6 was really after was their contacts anyway. Roseyemer asks him about his own double agent status and Smith says the Schmidt alias is a real cover and he’s been feeding Wilner with false, useless and out of date information for years now. Smith wants to grab Jones and go but Von Hapen shows up, holds everyone at gunpoint and shouts “STAY WHERE YOU ARE!”*

Warlock: Uh oh.

 

*Kramer stands and says thank god he’s here but Von Hapen screams “SIT DOWN COLONEL!*

Wizard: He doesn’t know which end is up.

 

*Von Hapen asks what’s going on and Smith says “Its very simple major, the lieutenant and myself have just uncovered a plot to assassinate Der Fuehrer.” Rosemeyer “THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS!” Von Hapen “GENERAL…..sit down”

Warlock and Wizard: Hahahahahaha.

 

*Smith says these people are all involved in a conspiracy to overthrow the Third Reich. In his pocket are all the names of everyone that’s in on it. Before he showed up, Smith and Schaffer had placed the entire party under arrest.” Kramer pipes in that the names are just German agents working in Britain. Smith says he doesn’t have to believe him but he can believe the names. Von Hapen asks Smith to bring them to him. Smith stands directly in front of Schaffer so he can pull a gun out. Mary makes it to the door and opens it. Schaffer says “Smith” and Smith ducks. Schaffer plugs Von Hapen right between the eyes. Kramer goes to call for help and Schaffer drills him in the back. Rosemeyer stands with a Luger and Schaffer tags him in the heart. Kernitser runs for it and Schaffer shoots her in the back as well. Smith kicks at the 3 traitors and makes them surrender. Smith tells Jones to tie them up and tells Mary to bring the supplies over to him*

Warlock: That was intense.

Wizard: Movie is far from over.

 

*Smith tells Schaffer to take them with us and Mary that she’s late then tells Schaffer that they need to create enough confusion in the next 15 minutes to get out of there alive. Schaffer “Right now you’ve got me about as confused as I’d ever hoped to be.”

Warlock: Yeah really.

 

*Smith says they need to make it to the radio room on the other side of the castle. Schaffer and Smith pull out bombs to rig as booby traps. Smith tells the trio if any of them utters a word he’ll kill them all and orders Jones to pick up Von Hapen’s gun and move them out. Everyone but Schaffer clears out as he rigs up the bombs*

Warlock: Why do I have a feeling they’re gonna blow the place?

Wizard: Not exactly.

 

*Smith plants a bomb in the library while Schaffer steals the dead guard’s gun and walks out of the dining hall*

Warlock: Should have stolen Rosemeyer and Kramer’s guns while he was at it.

 

*Two German soldiers nearly run into Smith’s team but he hides them just in time. Schaffer walks into the armory with a suitcase. He says hello, pulls a gun out of it and shoots both the desk clerk and the guard behind him*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

 

*Schaffer tosses a bomb into the armory and leaves. They make it to the radio room and Schaffer very slowly walks up to him. The radio guy’s music stops and Schaffer causes the floor to creak. Radio guy turns around and sees the group and hits the alarm. Smith shoots him dead but its too late*

Wizard: Should have shot him a minute ago instead of stab him, now they’re in trouble.

 

*A gaggle of German shoulders make their way to the radio room as the German alarm goes off*

Warlock: That’s the same alarm from Dirty Dozen

Wizard: Good memory.

 

*Smith tries to radio Admiral Rolland and Colonel Turner as Schaffer prepares for the onslaught*

Wizard: Here comes a shootout.

 

*A shitload of troops walk to the radio room and Schaffer shoots half of them dead. We get a full minute shoot-out between Schaffer by himself against half a German regimen. A gattling gun is used but none of the shots hit Schaffer*

Wizard: One guy taking on a whole battalion.

 

*The bomb in the armory goes off and it distracts the gattling gunners long enough for Schaffer to reload and take them out. The bomb in the library goes off and the leader of the troops tells half the men with him to go find out what that was. Rolland finally answers*

Warlock: About time!

 

*Smith tells Rolland that the mission was a success and they’re on their way. Rolland “All sins forgiven” but a German shuts off radio communication*

Wizard: On their own now.

 

*Smith wants Thomas and Jones ushers him to Smith. They go to a window and Smith prepares a grappling hook. The german leader throws a german style grenade and Schaffer just tosses it back, wiping out a few soldiers*

Warlock: Nice delayed detonation there.

 

*Smith unties Thomas and tells him to climb out the window. Thomas starts climbig as two grenades are thrown. Schaffer hightails it out of there and they go off. The germans keep firing and tosses grenades as Schaffer rigs up another bomb. He tosses it out a window into a cannon below. The leader and the germans notice the rope moving leading out the window. The leader shouts out “CORPORAL!”

Warlock: Sounded like Koopa to me.

 

*The leader shoots Thomas and he falls to his death. Another bomb goes off as the leader tells everyone to get out of there*

Warlock: Smith sacrificed Thomas to get the soldiers off their backs.

Wizard: Hey you’re learning.

 

*The bomb goes off and the cannon starts firing and ammunition ignites. Random germans are hit with gunfire and real fire. The power inside the castle blows as well*

Warlock: There’s your confusion.

 

*Schaffer gets the rope and the group goes to leave but the Germans are on their way back. Smith’s crew races up the stairs and Schaffer stands there waiting. The germans stop when they notice him and Schaffer shoots them all dead*

Warlock: Take that you nazi scumbags.

 

*Smith’s crew runs past the Germans trying to put out a huge fire with mops*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Smith’s crew are discovered outside the cable car room and Smith is shot in the hand. Schaffer deadbolts the door and they press on to the control room. They untie Christiansen and Berkeley and they all put winter jackets on*

Warlock: Where are they going.

Wizard: Rock climbing.

 

*Schaffer sets up the rope and the whole crew rappel down to the control room*

Warlock: Love this soundtrack.

 

*Another troop of soldiers enter the castle when another bomb goes off, one of them runs outside on fire and burns to death*

Warlock: Fried kraut, gotta love it.

 

*3 soldiers open the door to the dining hall and it blows*

Wizard: More dead nazis.

 

*Schaffer jumps in the control room to barricade the door and rig up a cable car. Smith orders Berkeley and Christiansen down next. Barkeley falls and pretends to be hurt. Schaffer checks on him and Christiansen jumps on him. Berkeley knocks Schaffer out and steals his gun. Smith calls out for Schaffer and Christiansen says they have him. He says he’ll make a deal with Smith, let them leave in the car and they won’t kill Schaffer. Smith grabs a bomb out of the bag and says sure. Berkeley and Christiansen enter the car and it descends. Smith grabs his ice pick, the bomb and jumps on top of it*

Warlock: Heights…yikes.

 

*Christiansen notices Smith on top and shoots at him until he runs out of ammo. He tells Berkeley to get up there and get him*

Warlock: Wouldnt they be better off waiting until they got to the bottom, surely there are German soldiers that would notice Smith and shoot him right?

Wizard: They don’t know if he’s armed or not.

 

*Both Berkeley and Christiansen attempt to climb up and get him. Christiansen goes for the legs while Berkeley goes for the front. Christiansen gets kicked in the face and blood splatters everywhere*

Wizard: Ooooh that was a good one.

 

*Smith grabs Berkeley’s arm and buries the pick in it. Berkeley screams and slumps back inside the car*

Warlock: Ooooh even better.

 

*Smith manages to kick Christiansen over the edge and he holds on to Smith’s legs for dear life. He begs for mercy and for Berkeley to help but he’s out of reach, Smith wraps the pick around the top of the car for support to hang on as Christian slips further until hes holding on to just Smith’s foot*

Warlock: That’s a good way to lose a shoe in the middle of an Austrian winter.

 

*Christiansen falls to his death*

Wizard: Say goodnight Dick!

 

*Smith rigs the bomb he brought on top of the car and waits for the passing car to come by. He jumps 30 feet onto the other car going back toward the castle*

Warlock: We’re supposed to believe he just jumped 30 feet and landed dead center?

Wizard: Its only a movie.

 

*The bombs blows, taking out the car and Berkeley with it*

Warlock: That’s it for the traitors.

Wizard: Less baggage now.

 

*Schaffer wakes up and asks where Smith is. Mary tells him he’s on the cable car while the Germans try to bash their way into the control room. Smith makes it back and he, Mary, Schaffer and Jones pile in to the remaining car as the Germans make it to the inner door. They descend in the car as a troop gets ready to greet them at the bottom*

Warlock: Uh oh.

 

*Smith has the cable car rigged to go off as meanwhile Heidi makes it to the bus from earlier with guns and ammo*

Warlock: The escape route.

 

*Smith, Jones, Schaffer and Mary all jump out of the car into the water below as the Germans open fire. The car blows and the crew swims to safety*

Wizard: They just jumped into freezing cold water in the dead of winter and they’re moving like nothing is wrong.

Warlock: Like you said, its only a movie.

 

*The plane from the beginning of the movie makes its away to the base with Colonel Turner in it*

Warlock: Why would he be there personally?

Wizard: You’ll see.

 

*Smith, Jones, Schaffer, Heidi and Mary make it to the bus. Smith is driving with Schaffer and Mary in the back with machine guns*

Warlock: You’d think it would be Jones and not Mary.

Wizard: Remember he’s just an actor, Mary is the agent.

 

*Mary and Schaffer shoot every nazi in sight with perfect accuracy and none of them even hit the bus*

Warlock and Wizard: Its only a movie.

 

*The bus drives past and triggers the bombs Schaffer and Smith set earlier to slow down the Germans following them. Meanwhile the Leader from earlier that killed Thomas calls the Kommandant at the airfield*

Warlock: This guy’s smart, he knows they’re gonna try to make it out by airplane.

 

*The bombs blow the phone poles before Leader can tell the airfield they’re coming. A tree blows and stops the convoy. A small 2 man jeep makes it through. Smith parks the bus just over a bridge and he and Schaffer rig it. The Germans have blown up the tree and the convoy makes its way through*

Wizard: Better hurry.

 

*Mary spots the jeep and opens fire. Naturally she takes out both the driver and the passenger with ease. Smith runs to the bus as Schaffer rigs the rest of the bombs. He opens fire and much larger jeep tumbles into the water. Schaffer makes it to the bus just in time as the bridge blows and stops the convoy*

Warlock: That takes care of the Schloss Adler boys. Now they just have to make it to the plane.

 

*The bus parks and waits for the plane to arrive*

Warlock: That would suck if it gets shot down.

 

*The pilot calls the airfield and pretends to have engine trouble to get the airfield to permit them to land. The control guy (Ernst Walder) says they can land.*

Warlock: Imagine if he said no?

 

*The plane lands and Smith crashes the bus through the fence. Once again Mary and Schaffer wipe out every soldier in sight and none of them hit the bus. Control guy hits the alarm as the bus crashes through all the planes*

Wizard: So they can’t follow them.

 

*Control guy tries to call other planes for help but Mary and Schaffer shoot him dead*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Smith parks the bus in front of the plane. Jones, Mary, Heidi and Schaffer run for it while Smith stays behind to shoot a jeep with four guys in it by himself. The jeep blows*

Warlock: This is getting ridiculous.

 

*Smith makes it into the plane and a gaggle of German troops show up to shoot the plane as it takes off. The pilot’s window is nicked and he barely flinches*

Warlock: Look where the holes are, that should have taken him out.

 

*The plane flies away to safety*

Warlock: Shouldn’t that be the end?

Wizard: Nope, one last little twist to go.

 

*Turner looks at the notebooks and rhetorically asks them that Berkeley is the traitor. Smith says Thomas and Christiansen as well. Turner says that’s incredible. Smith says not as incredible as the one name not in their notebooks. He says he has it in his own notebook and he’s the top German agent in Britain, Colonel Kramer confirmed it.*

Wizard: Remember that from earlier? Not even those three schmoes knew who the boss was.

 

*He hands the notebook to Turner and its Turner himself. Smith tells him not to look shocked and that he should have suspected it, after all he was there to meet them. Turner points his gun at Smith and tells him to go on*

Warlock: Wowwwww.

 

*Smith finally gives away the whole reason for the movie. Rolland suspected Turner and the others for some time. Rolland brought Mary and Smith back from Italy because they were the only ones he could trust for this mission. Rolland asked Turner to handpick the team and Turner chose Smith to lead it thinking he was Johan Schmidt. Rolland knew that was just his cover. Turner says he’s just guessing, Smith says him pointing the gun is evidence enough. Smith says Mary was brought in without Turner’s knowledge to get him into the castle. Schaffer being an American had no contact with MI6 which meant he was the only member of the group he could trust. He wasn’t so sure about Harrod and McPherson until they were killed. Turner says its fascinating and goes to talk but Smith cuts him off and says he’s finished. Turner says Smith is overlooking something and Smith says he’s not. He rhetorically asks if Rolland brought Turner to the airfield and gave him the gun himself. Smith mentions the firing pin has been removed. Turner pulls the trigger and nothing happens*

Wizard: Game, set, match.

 

*Schaffer grabs his gun and Smith says “Not so hasty lieutennant , we musn’t cheat the hangman.” Turner “What now?” Smith “You’ll be tried for treason.” Turner says a public trial would be damaging and painful to MI6, Smith counters by saying not as painful as a long drop at the end of a rope. Turner says he has no cards left to play and asks if he has another option. Smith says if he wants it. Turner thanks him and gets up. Smith stops him “I’ll…have those books.” Turner smiles and hands them over*

Warlock: Can’t get anything by Smith.

 

*Turner goes to the door, opens it and looks at Smith. Smith looks glum as the camera pans to an empty doorway*

Warlock: He jumped?

Wizard: Yup.

Warlock: Why?

Wizard: So he wouldn’t have to stand trial.

 

*Schaffer closes the door and asks if that’s it. Smith says yes. Schaffer says the next time there’s another mission to keep it strictly British. Smith “I’ll try.” Smith sits back and Mary tends to his hand. End credits*

Wizard: That’s it.

 

 

2017 Warlock’s Assessment: 10 out of 10….one of my favorite movies of all time. You had to be smart to follow the whole story, it had action, it had drama. It had suspense and better yet you had nazi’s getting whacked left and right. You can’t go wrong with that.

Final Grade: 10 out of 10, one of the best of all time.

 

*We cut back to Lacy Lou’s studio where Warlock is kicking back smiling*

W: Yep, one of the best. Can’t go wrong with that one.

Lacy: Yes that’s nice but there’s one problem.

W: What’s that?

Lacy: Well this is Indy HORROR Rising and while The Coroner certainly qualifies, I don’t think a British World War 2 movie qualifies for horror much less indy horror.

W: Oh yeah, sorry about that.

Lacy: Well I’d like to thank you for wasting all of our time here.

W: It was my pleasure.

Lacy: Wonderful…..have a pleasant evening.