*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, leather jacket, white sneakers, blue jeans and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce glass of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host….
*Suddenly some 6 foot 8 300 pound monster in overalls and a hockey mask revs up a chainsaw and goes to slice up Warlock. He turns and punches the guy in the balls, the chainsaw goes flying into the yard and he drops into fetal position clutching his nuts*
Warlock: …The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots a fireball that fries the monster before he walks inside.
Warlock: Happy Halloween here at the Realm. Today we’re honoring Halloween with a movie not seen by many in over 40 years.
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: Why can’t we watch something a little more relevant?
Warlock: Because this was on sale.
*Suddenly the door to the lair bursts open and a 5 foot tall bat hisses in the doorway. Mr. America nonchalantly pulls out his .45 service pistol and shoots it in the head*
America: Well if its on sale then I guess I can’t argue.
*Warlock kicks the carcas out the door and shuts it. America holsters his gun*
Warlock: Tonight’s movie is Doctor Death: Seeker of Souls. It came out in 1973 and the REAL reason we’re watching this will be revealed later.
America: Oh just great.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get this Halloween party started with Doctor Death.
*The Warlock reads the tagline*
Warlock: “A thousand-year-old magician has mastered he art of transferring souls from one body to another and thereby manages to perpetuate himself by jumping from one body to the next”
America: Wait a minute. He’s a magician? I thought he was a doctor?
Warlock: He’s a prestidigitator.
America: He presses refrigerators?
*Movie opens with ambulance alarms and a neon sign that say Emergency*
America: Was this built on a former motel plot? Look at that sign.
*Real doctor looks sad as Fred Saunders (Barry Coe) walks in. Nurse shows Fred a woman near death*
Warlock: Who are you? Love the 70’s haircut on Fred.
Warlock and America: Ehhhhhhhhhhhh
*Funeral procession has woman’s casket being carried through cemetary*
Warlock: No credits, no plot.
America: Its the first five minutes of the movie.
*Greg Vaughn (Stewart Moss) gives his condolences before Fred tells him he wants to be alone. He tells the groundskeeper to screw and never to lock the gate. He opens the casket and asks Laura (Jo Morrow) to come back. A voice says she’ll come back*
America: The hell??
*A hand grabs Fred’s hand as he sleeps and Laura appears only with a skeleton face. Opening credits*
Warlock: Alright, for 1973 I can go with that jump scare.
*Greg and Fred walk through the cemetary as Greg says its not Fred’s fault she died. Greg offers Fred tickets to the fights tonight*
Warlock: I wanna go to the fights, don’t you?
America: What’s the card?
Warlock: Kid Bert vs Lefty Ernie
America: No thanks.
*Fred calls Jim (Leon Williams) and asks for a seance hookup from Madam Katrina*
Warlock: Loved the 70’s white afro and glasses.
*Katrina (Athena Lorde) moans and “makes contact”
Warlock: Is she a fortune teller or a zombie?
*Katrina reaches out to Bob (Eric Boles) and says she located his grandmother. He says she’s still alive*
*Katrina reaches out to Fred and he hears Laura’s voice*
Warlock: She’s either really good or he’s hearing shit.
*Fred gets up and reaches behind the curtain, revealing another woman. He walks out*
America: This guy rules.
*Fred attends a gathering full of men in hooded robes chanting in latin*
America: Great, now we’ve gone from seance to cult.
*Fred asks the old Wizard (Robert Ball) to see his dead wife he brought back to life. He picks up dirt and says here she is before laughing maniacally*
Warlock: What the fuck?
*Greg gives Fred a tongue lashing for trying to bring Laura back. Fred goes back to work at a large office building. The hot secretary Sandy (Cheryl Miller) brings him his coffee as he goes over his mail*
Warlock: Tell me she gets naked.
*Fred sees an ad for reincarnation and phones the number*
America: That’s convenient.
*Fred goes to Nicky Blair’s to meet Tana (Florence Marly). They talk and he tells her he wants her back. Tana says there’s only one person who can help him. Tana says he’ll be there tomorrow night if she goes with him*
Warlock: More hullaballooo
*Fred and Tana knock on a mansion door. A fat guy lets them in. They sit in a crowd in front of a stage. Tana says she doesn’t know what’s going on. She calls him Dr. Brilliance aka Dr. Death (John Cosidine)*
America: Brilliance? I thought he was Death.
*Doctor Death comes out and introduces himself*
America: Yes ladies and gentlemen, I borrowed this ascot from Fred from Scooby Doo.
*Doctor Death asks everyone to take an oath of silence and never reveal what we see tonight*
Warlock: I take that oath, this may not be good.
*Man in crowd (Moe Howard) repeats the oath*
Warlock: Recognize the old guy?
Warlock: I’ll give you a hint in a minute.
*Death reveals a blonde, busty woman is dead*
America: Hahaha what?
*Old man volunteers to test her heartbeat “Oh soitainly”
America: Oh shit!
Warlock: Figured it out yet?
America: God dammit.
Warlock: *pokes America in the eye*
America: Gahhh! Its Moe Howard.
America: How many movies was he in without the Stooges?
Warlock: None, this was the only one.
*Doctor Death reveals a woman alive with one eye and burns. Says he’s going to transfer the soul of the living woman into the gorgeous body. First he says he’s going to saw the girl in half for real. The fat guy is Thor (Leon Askin)
Warlock: Hey that’s Thor!
America: Not impressed.
*Fred says “He’s mad!” Tana “Like a fox” Thor and Death really do cut her in half. He then summons her soul in front of everyone. Fred “That’s murder!” Tana “Is it? She didn’t want to live in that body.”
America: Okay Kevorkian.
*The ghost of the now dead woman enters body of gorgeous blonde girl. She wakes up. He asks the audience what her name is. He says her name is now Venus (Sivi Aberg). Old man says “That was quite a stunt”
*Death introduces himself to Tana and Fred. Fred is skeptical as Old man continues to check out Venus*
Warlock: I’d love to see Moe be the hero at the end and hit Death over the head with a mallet or something.
America: How old was he?
Warlock: By 1973, he was 76 at the time.
*A gay man (Jeffrey Herman) wants to be put in a woman’s body. Death looks at him funny and walks off*
Warlock: That dude would fit right in today.
*Fred sees Laura’s ghost in the cemetery and follows her to her tomb. He then stops walking and starts driving in his car*
America: Now you’re just asking for trouble.
*The groundskeeper (Jim Boles) finds Fred talking to himself. Fred opens the casket and Laura is in there*
America: Still dead.
*Sandy walks into Fred’s office*
*Sandy asks him out and he says he’ll take her to dinner. He hears his wife’s voice saying she’ll come back. Fred then bails on her 30 seconds later*
Warlock: Well better 30 seconds than 3 hours.
*Fred calls Tana and says he wants Doctor’s help to bring Laura back*
America: Of course, otherwise there would be no movie.
Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!
America: *On phone* Yes, Tana….I’ve moved on.
Warlock and America: THE END!
*Venus changes in front of a pleased Dr. Death*
Warlock: Steve Williams would kick the crap out of this guy.
America: Is that the price tag or the designer label?
Warlock: Just the fact you noticed the tag and not her body is disconcerting.
*Tana tries to get his attention but he blows her off. Thor knocks on the door and say Fred is here. Death continues to hit on Venus*
America: She’s either gonna turn on him or he’s going to kill her first. MAKE YOUR BETS NOW!
*Death meets Fred in the study. He says Thor is a brave man to have his eye and tongue ripped out. The tongue by an angry sheik*
Warlock: The Iron Sheik got pissed.
*Tana passive aggressively attacks Venus before throwing acid on her*
Warlock: He is not gonna be happy.
*Fred asks what Death can do. Death says he can’t bring her soul back but can bring life to the body*
Warlock: But she was already pumped with formaldehyde, how would that work?……why am I asking you?
America: Yeah, why are you?
*Death says he wants 50 grand up front to do the procedure. Fred says sure*
America: FIFTY GRAND????
*Death says a thousand years ago he was an old man dying and he found a way to move his soul from one body to another. He used his peasant apprentice’s body to transfer his soul*
Warlock: The first of many, many murders.
*Death continues to tell how he jumped from one body to another*
America: Yes, and keeping my serum for years exposes myself to muggers!
*Death says he could rule the world but instead he has more pleasurable pursuits in mind*
Warlock: Hahaha yeah, that would be me too. I love how Fred doesn’t find any of that farfetched.
*Death comes back to find Venus dead. Meanwhile Greg tries to get Fred and Sandy to go to dinner. Sandy explains how he got a phone call and just left. Sandy and Greg say they care for Fred. Meanwhile Fred gives the 50 grand in cash to Death*
Warlock: He had 50 grand just laying around right?
America: Yeah, sure.
*Fred wants to know who’s soul would enter his wife’s body. Death reveals a bound and gagged Tana. Fred protests but Thor throws a knife at her and kills her. Death tells Fred not to worry about it*
Warlock: Oh well.
*Death uses his serum to bring Tana’s soul out of her dead body. Death “Next stop, your wife’s tomb”. Next scene is at the crypt where Death says Laura is lovely. Death commands Tana to enter the body, Tana smiles and walks away.”
*Fred says forget it, keep the money and go away. Meanwhile Death is flabbergasted that he failed. He wonders why*
Warlock: The plot thickens!!
*Fred asks Greg what to do. Greg believes him and says since actual murders took place, they could go to the police and have Death arrested on murder charges. Fred says no, he’d be an accomplice*
Warlock: Not really.
America: Yeah really, he did pay him 50 grand remember? Death could say “See? He paid me to do it.”
*Fred hears Laura’s voice again as we cut to Thor driving Death around. He sees a girl on the side of the road with a flat tire (Denise Denise). She screams and Thor chases after her. She falls and dies. Death takes her soul and takes her to the crypt. He tries to get her to enter Laura’s body but it doesn’t work. Death tells Thor to keep driving, he must not fail*
Warlock: They better explain this in the last half hour.
*Some kid (Larry Rogers) stabs Death and black goo sprays in his face. The kid dies and we get progression pictures of his face melting*
Warlock: They couldn’t get the special effects right in 1973.
*Death reveals his infected wound to Thor and says he’s not gonna stop until he gets a soul in there*
Warlock: The movie ends with him dying while Fred has no idea it happened, wouldn’t that be something?
*Some lady (Lin Henson) is stalked by Death. He enters her room and she screams. Death can’t get her soul in either. Meanwhile Fred wakes up from a nightmare with Laura’s voice saying she’ll come back. Meanwhile Fred tells Groundskeeper to lock the door now, saying he feels better. Greg tells him to go shack up with Sandy. Fred says sure and we get a montage of them going on dates*
Warlock: Awwww isn’t that sweet.
*Fred goes for a nightcap with Sandy while some woman answers a telephone booth (Anna Bernard). Death tells her to stay put as she sees a headline “Murders of Young Girls Continue To Puzzle Police” on a nearby paper. She sees Death and Thor coming but doesn’t move*
America: You saw the headline, why aren’t you running?
*Death “This girl kisses better when she’s dead than Tana did when she was alive*
America: So he’s a klepto…great.
Warlock:…..a klepto is a thief, you’re thinking of necro…pebblebrain.
America: You know what I mean.
*Death goes to the locked crypt and recognizes the groundskeeper as his old friend Franz. Death reveals he put the soul into this body. Death “When you can afford a new one, you know where to come.” Franz hands Death the key to the tomb*
Warlock: Heel turn!
*Harry (Pierre Gonneau) and Alice (Barbar Boles) are in the car. Thor kills Harry and Death takes her soul. Once again it doesn’t work. Death is now obsessed, searching for answers as his infection worsens. “I haven’t much time’
Warlock: This is going to be anti-climatic at this rate.
*Death goes up to Venus who’s still alive. He says she hasn’t left in two weeks. Death chops her head off as Fred calls Greg. Fred says he and Sandy are coming over for dinner. Sandy brings him a package, its Venus’ severed head*
Warlock: Mind if I eat?
*The note from Death “This is to let you know, I’m still trying”
Warlock: Yeah the cops are gonna love to hear you explain this.
*Death tries to get Venus soul into Laura’s body. It fails. Death asks why her body rejects the souls. Death swears he will succeed*
Warlock: If they don’t explain..I’ll swear too.
*Greg and Fred investigate the unlocked tomb and open Laura’s casket*
America: Still dead.
*Greg suggests to bury the body*
Warlock: Should have done that from the beginning.
*Death closes a book “So THAT’S it. I need a soul as strong as Laura’s. Show me that soul!*
Warlock: Why is he asking me? I can’t help him.
*Its revealed Sandy is the only one who can work and Death smiles*
Warlock: Finally, let’s end this.
*Death walks up to Fred and says he’s got the answer. He says that only Sandy’s soul can revive his dead wife. He waves bye to them and leaves*
Warlock: Planting the seed right?
*Sandy locks the door and picks up her cat*
Warlock: That cat won best supporting actor.
America: How so?
*Death says he accidentally killed a patient by bleeding them to death slowly. He says that’s how he’s going to do it. He asks Thor if he’s ever seen someone bleed to death*
Warlock: Oh great.
*Greg and Fred ponder what to do at a bar before leaving. Sandy’s doorbell rings and she hears Fred’s voice. She opens but its Doctor Death. He pounces on her as Fred and Greg pound on Death’s door*
America: Oh boy, we have MUSIC!
Warlock: Sounds like a 70’s cop drama theme.
*Fred and Greg drive back to Sandy’s while Death and Igor has Sandy on a slab*
Warlock: Wait, they were just there.
*Death cuts Sandy’s wrist. She slowly bleeds out. Greg and Fred go to Sandy’s and find the place empty*
Warlock: Wow, these guys are morons. Had they stayed at his place, they would have stopped him.
*Death taunts Sandy as she’s dying. He promises he’ll get a new body for himself and get a soul for her body*
Warlock: Yeah that aint happening.
*Fred and Greg drive with a police cruiser behind them*
Warlock: Are they getting pulled over? That would be a bitch and a half.
*Fred, Greg and the squad car pull up and they run onto Death’s mansion. Death hears commotion and tells Thor to get rid of them. He opens the door and they barge in. They shoot Thor dead*
Warlock: Bye bye Thor.
America: Not looking too good for Sandy.
*Fred and Greg run in and Greg puts a tourniquet on her wrist to save her*
Warlock: How did they know EXACTLY what to do as soon as they ran into the room.
America: I know its not knowing what to do, its instinctive reaction. She’s bound to a table with a beaker of blood by her hand.
Warlock: Yes, but they knew that as they were running into a room?
*They argue for 10 minutes*
Warlock: Alright let’s move on.
*Death hitches a ride with two hippies to the cemetery*
*Death goes up to the crypt. He shouts out to Franz and Franz reports that they buried the body. Meanwhile Greg tells Fred that Sandy is okay*
Warlock: Yup, she’s saved.
*Death’s body is out cold by the casket. Meanwhile Laura gets up and grabs the serum vial before staring directly into the camera. “Fred, I’ve come back darling.” Death’s real voice “I’ve come back. Oh yes, I’ve come back. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!”
Warlock: Well, its over.
America: That was a very unsatisfying ending.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I’ll give it a 4. It had a well developed plot, character development, good effects but an unsatisfying ending. Setting itself up for a sequel nobody wants to see.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I’ll give it a 6. It had a good plot, good special effects for its time. The plot was good, character development was good. We also had Moe Howard so it gets a point for that.
Final Grade: 5 out of 10: Average
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: I thought it was good, it was a decent movie for its time even if it hasn’t aged well. It was great to see Moe Howard one last time before his death in 1975. There was no bad language or nudity but still managed to be good. That about wraps up another….
*Mr America cuts him off*
America: I still don’t understand how you can’t figure out her wrist was cut just by looking at it.
Warlock: That’s not the point, the point is he already knew the wrist was slashed as soon as he RAN in the room without stopping.
*Suddenly a huge spider, about 4 feet tall emerges from behind the couch, it hisses at America. America nonchalantly picks up a nearby carbine rifle*
America: It doesn’t take a brainiac to see if a woman has a beaker of blood underneath a hand to know what happened!
*America non-chalantly blows the spider away as it explodes into several smaller spiders. The spiders make their way toward the duo*
Warlock: Yes but he ran in the room already knowing what had happened. He didn’t run in, assess it for a second and THEN react. He literally ran in and ran for the wrist.
*Warlock shoots a fireball and fries all the little spiders. The closet door opens and a zombified half monkey, half troll emerges and growls*
America: Yeah, because its in PLAIN VIEW plus she was bound and gagged. Even a goosebrain like you could figure it out.
*America shoots the monkey troll in the head and Warlock fries it with a fireball, neither of them acknowledge the creature as it disintegrates into ash*
Warlock: It doesn’t matter if it was plain view. They literally ran in and knew exactly what they were doing.
*The duo walk out of the lair still arguing*