201. Fire & Ice (1983)

fire

*Thug D opens the door to the lair. He’s wearing a jean jacket with band patches on it, Twisted Sister t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*

D: Welcome to the motherfuckin lair. I’m your host Thug D.

*D walks inside*

D: Tonight, I’m in chargebof the movie tonight. After sitting through Bad Taste I decided to take matters into my own hands.

*The Warlock is sitting in the middle of the couch. He’s wearing a black leather jacket,  ROCKY t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a moonshine jug of root beer*

Warlock: Hey thats no fair, you liked Bad Taste.

D: Whatever, point being I’M picking the movie tonight.

Warlock: What did you have in mind oh exalted one?

D: Fire & Ice, the 1983 animated classic illustrated by legendary Frank Frazetta and directed by Ralph Bakshi.

Warlock: Awww man, I’m not into anime.

D: Its not anime you idiot.

Warlock: Oh ok, push play.

*D takes his seat in the recliner*

D: With pleasure.

 

*D reads the tag-line*

D: “A tiny village is destroyed by a surging glacier, which serves as the deadly domain for the evil Ice Lord, Nekron. The only survivor is a young warrior, Larn.”

Warlock: So…Conan The Libarian ripoff?

 

*Opening credits*

D: It was like they drew over the real actors for this kind of animation.

Warlock: So it kind of feels real?

D: Yes.

 

*Voiceover says Juliana (Eileen O’Neil) gave birth to a sorcerer named Nekron (Stephen Mendel) and together they took over the Ice lands. Jarol (Leo Gordon) fought back with his men at Fire Keep*

Warlock: Fire vs Ice

D: Doesn’t have the same ring to it.

 

*Glaciers go to attack. Larn (Randy Norton) is ready to fight. Nekron screams on his throne*

Warlock: What, is he taking a dump?

 

*Glacier wipes out North Village*

D: That’s what snowing was like back in the ice ages.

 

*Ice Warriors attack Fire Warriors*

Warlock: Well this movie is over.

D: Heh.

 

*Nekron facepalms on his throne*

Warlock: What’s he bitching about? He won!

 

*Julianna says North village has fallen and sends messengers to Fire Keep with surrender terms for Jarol to sign. She says give their regards to his daughter*

Warlock: The fuck?

 

*Ice Warriors pillage North Village*

Warlock: Pewww. Stinks.

 

*Blonde Fire Warrior is shown*

Warlock: HE MANNNNNNN.

 

*Blonde Warrior grabs a mace and wipes out the Ice Warrior with it. Another attacks and Blond impales him with a spear*

Warlock: Lot of violence in this movie, I like it.

D: Let me beat you with my stick! Ahhhhhhhh

 

*Ice Warriors attack Blondie who sprints away from a thrown axe. He throws the ace and kills the Ice Warrior but not before the Ice guy gropes his ass*

Warlock: Nice hand placement.

 

*Blondie climbs a tree and evades slinging arrows. He then pulls one guy off a tree and another falls on his own*

D: You guys are really bad at this.

 

*Blondie takes a swan drive off the mountain*

D: Weeeeeeeee

 

*Blondie hits every branch on the way down 100 feet below and survives. His name is Larn (Randy Norton) *

Warlock: Yeah, that’s….not realistic.

 

*Jarol tells Teegra (Cynthia Leake) her place is here, not at the meeting place*

D: The men here will appreciate you in your G string more than I could use you here.

 

*Teegra rolls around in her underwear complaining about being bored*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Taro (William Ostrander) and Jarol meet with the messengers and as expected, they refuse to surrender.

 

*A guard panther is killed by a thrown knife by invading Ice Warriors. Jarol and Taro kill the messengers as Teegra is captured and kidnapped. Tutor (Tamarah Park) is knocked out*

Warlock: That was actually a great battle plan. Distract the king and kidnap the princess.

 

*Ice Warrors take a bath next to Teegra and throw her in. She’s wearing a small bikini, they grunt at her*

Warlock: Wow, and this came out in 83.

D: Yeah Ralph Bakshi’s stuff was never for kids. It was mostly for adults.

 

*Teegra dives under water and swims away. The Ice Warriors follow her*

Warlock: Nice gratuitous ass shot.

 

*Ice Warriors bumble around searching and sniffing for Teegra*

Warlock: This reminds me of the Bad Taste aliens and how useless they were

 

*Some large bug grabs one of the Ice Warriors, they stab and kill it but then retreat. Teegra climbs out of the tree bark with her exposed ass in the air*

Warlock: Wow, you’re right about Ralph.

 

*Larn is asleep in the tree*

Warlock: HEY STU WAKE UP!

D: He can’t hear you dude.

 

*Larn spits at the warriors and trudges on*

D: You don’t get hand painted backgrounds like that anymore.

 

*Ice Warriors fight amongst themselves*

Warlock: Great, kill each other, the good guys don’t have to do shit.

 

*Teegra floats on a tree branch down river*

Warlock: How can these Neanderthals not pick up her scenet.

 

*A large dinosaur comes out of the water and flattens the Ice Warriors*

Warlock: Right out of King Kong.

 

*A lone Ice Warrior paddles over to Teegra but he’s wounded. He goes to attack with an axe and she stabs him with a stick*

Warlock: So much for Handsome Harold.

 

*Ice Warriors report to Juliana and she screams at them for letting Teegra escape. She kills one of them to make an example. Says it’ll happen to the rest of them if they fail*

D: Well if you hired henchmen that didn’t suck, you’d win.

 

*Larn encounters a wolfpack. He chicks a spear and kills one before screaming while pole vaulting over the rest of them*

Warlock: Just as annoying as the wolves in Red Dead Redemption.

 

*The wolves just give up and walk away*

Warlock: Well that was easy.

 

*Larn is at the ruins of an old compound. He eats one of the dead wolves*

Warlock: Doggie burger.

D: At least cook the damn meat.

 

*Larn lies down as Teegra sneaks up on him*

Warlock: This is gonna end well.

 

*Larn wakes up “What do you want?” She bites into the wolf bone. Larn “Well if you want it, take it.” Teegra “I am not a thief”

Warlock: Not a cook either.

D: You mean crook?

Warlock: No, cook.They’re eating the meat raw.

 

*Larn follows Teegra around*

Warlock: Who wouldn’t follow that ass?

 

*Teegra eats berries seductively, Larn follows her and eats berries too*

Warlock: Now what?

 

*Teegra and Larn kill a wolf and cook it together. Teegra “At night, I’m afraid”

Warlock: Of what?

D: And…..and???? Okay, we’re not gonna find out.

 

*Larn holds Teegra close by the fire. Next morning Teegra says she’s going home, he wants to go with her. She says he can come if he can behave himself. He acts like a monkey to make her laugh then falls into the water with her. He’s snatched by a giant octopus as Teegra swims to safety*

D: All kind of shit could kill you in those days.

 

*Larn grabs a stick and stabs the giant octopus in the eye. He is flung out of the water as the Ice Warriors capture Teegra*

D: Come with us wench!

 

*Larn is found by a guy wearing a cat mask*

Warlock: Peter Criss’ ancestor.

 

*Catman calls Juliana a “wolf bitch”

Warlock: What was this rated?

D: Probably R.

 

*Larn yells out for Teegra, Catman says they took her west. Catman is actually Darkwolf (Steve Sandor)*

Warlock: Now what?

 

*Ice Warriors get drunk and stumble around. Teegra grabs one of their knives and tries to cut her chain off*

Warlock: You can’t cut steel with a knife.

D: The fact no one has raped her yet is a miracle.

 

*Ice Warrior wakes up and she stabs and kills him with a knife*

Warlock: You CAN cut that haha.

 

*Teegra drags the corpse of the Warrior and they both fall off a cliff*

Warlock: Nice going asshole.

 

*Darkwolf and Larn plan to rescue Teegra. Darkwolf will distract the Warriors and Larn will get the girl*

Warlock: Heh, Krauser…go get de girl!

 

*Wolf fights off the Ice Warriors while Larn is tackled to the ground. Larn stabs and kill one of them. Wolf says they need to lead the Warriors on a goose chase so they can double back and save Teegra*

Warlock: BRILLIANT!

 

*Caveman with red hair finds Teegra and rips the chain off her. He carries her away. Meanwhile Jarol tells Taro to negotiate terms for Teegra’s release. Taro protests but Jarol says they have no choice*

Warlock: Sucks to be them.

 

*Caveman brings Teegra to Roleil (Elizabeth Lloyd Shaw) the caveman is Otwa (Micky Morton). Roleil hits on her as she passes out. She starts kissing up on her before taking a lock of her hair*

Warlock: This movie is all kinds of fucked up. I love it.

 

*Roleil freaks out when she finds out Teegra is wanted by Nekron, calling her a bitch. She says to Otwa to bring the Ice Warriors, say they can have her for a price*

Warlock: Somebody kill this greedy bitch.

 

*Wolf distracts the Ice Warriors and throws Larn off the cliff while tellig him to find the girl*

Warlock: Wowwwww.

 

*Otwa tells the Ice Warriors to follow him. Otwa stumbles back to the hut with a spear in his back. Monga (Big Yank) the leader of the Warriors kills Roleil and takes Teegra*

Warlock: So much for them.

D: Are all bad guys in this movie stumbling, bumbing buffoons?

 

*Larn finds Roleil’s skeleton who bitches about being dead. She says to avenge her by going to Akatar and killing Nekron*

Warlock: Why would she help him and how the…..nevermind.

 

*A ship sails to Akatar and Larn hops aboard. Meanwhile Julianna brings Teegra to Nekron. She wants a child to carry on the legacy and Nekron says he doesn’t need children. Teegra tries to cater to him but he’s completely not used to friendship. She goes to shake his hand and he extends his hand while laughing maniacally*

Warlock: Well that tickled his funnybone.

 

*Nekron “Woman…I spit on peace. I spit on you.”

Warlock: I spit on your grave!

 

*Nekron says the next time Julianna brings him a slut, he’ll squash her like a bug. He says to get the garbage out of here*

Warlock: Must be a homo then.

D: Heh.

 

*Ice Warriors celebrate as Taro’s party arrives on horseback*

Warlock: This isn’t gonna end well either.

 

*Larn makes his way up the Ice Palace wall. He kills a guard as Taro makes his surrender to Nekron. Nekron laughs at him as Larn makes his way inside. Nekron taunts Taro by insulting Teegra and he freezes Taro in place. Nekron then uses his power to make Taro kill his own party*

D: This guy is the legend of the bad Smurfs.

 

*Taro impales and kills himself, falling next to Teegra in the pit she was in. She screams “NOOOOOOOOO!”

Warlock: So much for the party.

 

*Larn shoots an arrow at Nekron who dodges it. “Oh no I don’t think so.” He freezes him in place and says to the Warriors to bring him closer. Nekron asks why he’s there. They sword fight as Larn says he killed his people. Nekron says they had to kill a lot of people lately*

Warlock: Little early for the one on one fight.

 

*Larn is thrown in a prison as Teegra goes to bust him out. He tries to talk her out of it*

Warlock: That won’t work.

 

*A guard investigates and Larn beats the shits shit out of him, running out of the prison cell. The warriors follow him*

Warlock: Don’t let him get away!

 

*Larn collapses in the snow as Darkwolf saves him by taking out the onrushing Ice Warriors. Darkwolf brings Larn to Jarol. He reports Taro is dead but Teegra is alive.  Darkwolf needs the dragonhawks to get in and destroy Nekron*

Warlock: Sounds like a plan.

D: What do you really think?

Warlock: We’re fucked.

 

*Fire Warriors are ambushed by Ice Warriors, only Darkwolf and Larn make it through the onslaught. Nekron laughs and Larn’s pterodactyl crashes but Larn is alive. He rushes in the palace. Darkwolf’s pterodactyl is shot down but he makes in the palace and wipes out several Warriors. Teegra wrestles with Julianna*

Warlock: Catfight!

 

*Larn takes out the guards and hugs Teegra as Nekron keeps laughing. Darkwolf screams at him*

Warlock: Little early for the final battle.

 

*Nekron freezes Darkwolf in place but Wolf resists. Nekron asks why won’t Wolf die*

D: Because I’ve got the power of Grayskull.

 

*Wolf buries his axe in the side of Nekron*

D: That’s right bitch, check yoself!

 

*Julianna runs out and screams*

D: The fuck is that supposed to do?

 

*Wolf buries his axe in Nekron’s chest. He screams and the glaciers get larger, Jarol gives the order to flood the land with lava*

Warlock: Fire meets ice.

D: This was definitely meant for teenagers.

Warlock: JUMP IN THE FIREEEEE.

D: Title of the movie makes sense now.

 

*Julianna falls to her death when the glacier melts. Teegra and Larn jump on the crashed Pterodactyl, wake it up and fly to safety. Later on Larn wakes up Teegra. A lone Ice Warrior crawls toward them and Larn goes to kill him with  a rock. Teegra stops him and says its over*

Warlock: Yeah, they’ll die out on their own.

 

*Teegra and Larn hug as the skies clear. End credits*

Warlock: That’s….it?

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: For it being innovative for 1983 standards I’ll give it a 6 out of 10. Animated movies back then were kiddie stuff, this was NOT kiddie stuff. Bad language, half naked women…little girl on girl action. Definitely worth a look. The rotoscoping was shit but I don’t give a fuck.

Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 7 out of 10. Its definitely dated that’s for sure but I do appreciate that they went for the realistic approach. I loved the artwork and you don’t see hand painted backgrounds anymore. It had a Conan feel to it, I dug it.

Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very Good.

 

*D rises from the recliner*

D: That was good stuff. Much better than most animated movies at the time. I still don’t know how it wasn’t rated R for the violence and nudity. That’s it this time on the Realm,  have a pleasant evening.

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