*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a Big Island University #95 jersey with the name KINCAID on the back, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a cooking pot of Pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t thinks so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock spots some joggers running by and he screams “ahhhhhhhhhhhh” at them before walking inside*
Warlock: Once again I am flying solo on this mission. IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE is a dirty job but someone has to do it. Tonight’s movie is Executive Target, a 1997 movie starring some of the most well known actors and pornstars from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s…yes of course I’m serious.
*Warlock takes his seat at the kitchen table with the laptop all set to go*
Warlock: So let’s get this party started with Executive Target.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A stunt driver heading for prison on a minor charge is freed against his will by a terrorist gang. Then by kidnapping his wife, he is forced to drive a getaway car in a plot to kidnap the President from a motorcade.”
Warlock: Kidnapping the president. Yeah, no big deal. Good luck with that.
*Movie opens with credits during a panoramic view of New York City*
*President Carlson (Roy Scheider) says he didn’t become president to make friends, he would have stayed in New Jersey*
Warlock: Roy Scheider, always gotta be the tough guy.
*Carlson says he’s gonna need Mac’s help. The First Lady (Michele Colucci-Zieger) walks with Carlson to a press conference. Carlson’s plan is to end poverty*
Warlock: Sounds like a good plan.
*Carlson talks about Star Wars should be financed by Hollywood, not the American public.Crazy spending went out in the 80’s*
Warlock: Ah yes, this came out in 1997, right around the re-release of the first 3 Star Wars movies in theaters.
*We cut to Area 55 where Lamar (Keith David) watches the President’s speech on TV. A radio personality calls the president a bleeding heart as we cut to a prison bus being driven*
Warlock: That’s more torturous than prison, having to listen to political radio.
*Lacey (Angie Everhart) and Clay (Gareth Williams) are waiting for the bus and she says “There’s our boy”*
Warlock: Tonight there’s going to be a jailbreak.
*Lacey calls Lamar and says they’re on it. Meanwhile an Inmate (Frank Stager) yells at a guard (Ray Laska) to shut the radio off. The guard threatens to kick his ass and the inmate says only because he’s locked up in chains*
*Inmate looks at Nick James (Michael Madsen) and says “fuck you too”
Warlock: Ah, so this is how Mr. Blonde got out of jail.
*A whole bunch of cars crash into the bus. Suddenly a mac truck shows up and rams it*
Warlock: Not really a sound plan, what if Nick was on the wrong side of the bus?
*Clay, Lacey and two henchmen bust out Nick. Clay caps two of the inmates*
Warlock: I like what I see, trash taking care of itself.
*The cops show up and 3 other henchmen start shooting at them. Lacey and Clay load Nick in the car, who steals it and drives off with Lacey and Clay in hot pursuit. The 3 other henchmen are capped by the cops. The mac truck driver starts plowing through cars. Lacey screams at Clay who Clay explains Nick is a stunt car driver*
Warlock: Least they explained that much.
*Nick lights up a cigarette as a police cruiser spots him. He then gets trailed by a whole squad as Lacey and Clay continue to yell at each other. She says let her think for a second*
Warlock: And her head explodes.
*Cop cars go flying everywhere as Nick continues to try and escape them all. He slams on the breaks and flies over another car*
Warlock: Oh bullshit….
*Nick swerves to avoid a woman pushing a stroller and the woman is nearly cleaned out by the cops. She makes it to safety and Nick continues the escape*
Warlock: A man of the people!
*Two cars remain in the chase until Nick swerves to catch one of them in traffic. The final car is joined by yet another squad car to keep it a 2 on 1 chase. Nick then plows through a construction site and the final two cars crash into each other. Nick speeds off as a chopper overhead looks for him. Apparently 13 inmates total escaped*
Warlock: The sequel to this movie could be about the other 12 escapees.
*Detective Smoke (Mike Genovese) and Detective Green (Jessica Cushman) say most of the inmates can be picked up by tailing their families, but Nick James will be different*
Warlock: Of course he’d be different. There’d be no movie.
*Next scene is at a strip joint*
Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.
*Dancer (Carolyn Renee Smith) seduces Bela (Dayton Callie) and dances for him*
Warlock: Lucky dude.
*Dancer “If my wife was as beautiful as you, we’d still be married.” Dancer “If your wife was as beautiful as me, she wouldn’t have married you.”
*Strip Club Boss yells at Dancer for touching customers and has Bela thrown out onto the street. Bela “Hey fuck you too! Fuckin bastard!”
Warlock: Hope he gets his cover charge back.
*Bela runs into Nick and Nick says he needs help. Bela makes fun of him while leading him to his car. He takes him back to his apartment. Nick wants out of the cuffs. Bela “What’s the matter, bondage is not your style?”
*Nick pulls out huge chain cutters from under Bela’s bed. Bela says those are for safety after some hooker cuffed him to the bed for 6 hours. Nick laughs at him*
*Nick goes to cut himself free but Bela stops him and says he could use the cuffs. Nick, confused, tell him to get him out*
Warlock: Sick fuck haha.
*Once free, Nick and Bela share bonding moments*
Warlock: Yay, character development.
*Nick wants to know about his wife Nadia (Kathy Cristopherson). Nick tells him about the attempted break from earlier. Bela asks what he’s gonna do. Nick says he’s gonna turn himself in because he only has one year left on his sentence and he wants to see Nadia*
Warlock: Yeah, good luck convincing a federal judge that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
*Nick says he loves Nadia more than anything and he needs to go see her. Bela says he needs better attire than prison gear*
Warlock: No, don’t do that. The cops and the bad guys will be looking for you through her.
*Green and Smoke say next on their hitlist is Nick James. Smoke explains Nick was a Hollywood stunt driver until he was caught with an 18 year old with a purse full of cocaine*
Warlock: Oh wonderful. This reminds me of GTA so much.
*Nick uses a key outside to let himself in to Nadia’s. He finds her slumped over sad. Nick goes to praise the outside key when out of nowhere Clay and Lacey put guns on him*
Warlock: Idiot….where do you think people were going to look for you? What did I tell ya?
*Smoke and Green knock on the door. Clay hides Nick as Lacey tells Nadia to lose the cops. Smoke and Green tell Nadia want to come inside and Nadia says they can’t come in without a warrant. They DO have a warrant and walk in. Clay executes them both off-screen*
Warlock: Awww come on, we don’t even get to see it?
*Carter (Dan Martin) points the finger at Nick for the shooting. His associate says he’ll put out an APB on him. Meanwhile in the back of Lacey’s car, Nick tries to explain to Nadia that he had no idea what was in the 18 year old girl’s purse. All he was doing was giving her a ride. Clay makes fun of him. Nick asks where they’re going, they don’t answer*
Warlock: They’re going to Hulk Hogan’s Pastamania.
*Jack (Robert Miano) greets Nadia, Nick, Clay and Lacey and says to walk this way*
Warlock: Not exactly Eyegor.
*Clay says this is Area 55*
Warlock: 51 unavailable?
*Lamar greets Nick and says he’s a big fan. He introduces himself and demands Nick has his cuffs taken off. Nick wants to know what’s going on. Lamar tells Clay to take her away and he taunts Nick. Nick “You’re gonna get yours, motherfucker!”
Warlock: Yeah really, this guy’s annoying as hell. The mark of a good heel.
*Lamar tells Lacey to keep an eye on Clay to make sure she’s okay*
Warlock: He’s no fool, if Clay beats her up Nick will refuse to do anything.
*Lamar, Jack and Nick go over the battle plan while playing with remote control cars*
Warlock: That was unexpected.
*Lamar tells Nick that he’s going to drive the getaway car. Nick says he can’t make him, but his heart can. Lamar says if he fucks up, Nadia dies. Lamar says to go see her and tell her everything will be fine.*
Warlock: “Hey honey, you’re gonna die if I don’t get back, but nothing’s wrong.”
*Clay hits on Nadia when Nick walks in. Clay “Well if it ain’t Rudolph Vaselino”
Warlock: Hahahaha the silent movie heartthrob.
*Nick tells Clay to get lost. Lacey tells Clay to scram and she leaves with him. Nadia yells at Nick when they’re alone. Lamar watches them on closed circuit as Nick says he doesn’t know them. Nick tells Nadia that he’s going to be a getaway car of a bank robbery. He says he’s crazy about her but she scoffs. Meanwhile Lamar gets a phone call from whoever is organizing this and he takes it out on Lacey saying they fucked up by killing Detective Smoke. He didn’t want any attention drawn to Nick and now he’s all over the news. Lamar says they won’t be able to spend a fucking dime unless the bait is alive. Lamar says he’s not going to allow anyone to jeopardize his reputation or this mission. Lamar tells Lacey to kill Clay because he doesn’t think. She refuses to kill him because they’re partners. Lamar says take him out whenever she wants and to do it quickly*
Warlock: Ah yes the old “take out your own man” gimmick, one less asshole for the hero to deal with.
*Carlson on Air Force One asks Dorothy (Jana Robbins) what’s their status. She says politicians are after him. Dorothy says the next 4 days are going to be their toughest. If they can convince California to roll with the punches, they’ll go along with him*
Warlock: Nobody is a hero here.
*Various henchmen work over the cars Nick and others are going to drive. Nick says he’ll custom make the getaway car using Lamar’s own car. “It’ll be a lot less painful if you don’t watch.” Meanwhile Clay brings up the blueprints of the bank vault. Clay says it should take 4 minutes, 45 minutes to complete. A scan of the room reveals Lacey, Jack and Vic (Matthias Hues) in the room with Lamar and Clay*
Warlock: Ha, Matthias Hues is there randomly. How many movies am I going to see him as a henchmen in?
*Nick works on the car as Clay taunts him some more. Clay says he’d do his wife and pulls a gun on Nick when Nick lunges. Clay says his days are numbered and calls him a turkey*
Warlock: He has no idea his own days are numbered.
*Nick goes back to Nadia but she continues to ignore him. Next day is bank day. Some henchmen brings Nadia to Lamar. Lamar says the van Nick is in is bugged in case he tries to run*
Warlock: I don’t think he’ll try anything with Nadia in Lamar’s clutches.
*A homeless window washer (George “Buck” Flower) wants a dollar for washing Nick’s window against his will*
Warlock: God damn, Red still hasn’t found a place to live yet. Crazy drunk driver….
*A random cop walks by and Nick plays it off. Cop tells him to put a quarter in the meter. Nick tells the bum to get lost and the cop walks away*
Warlock: Wouldn’t that be a bitch, getting arrested for parking in a metered zone.
*Lacey, Jack, Clay and Vic rob the bank although Vic is tagged by the guard. Nick pulls up in the van and they all get in, Vic included*
Warlock: Figures, he’s the only one that gets tagged.
*Chase scene occurs. Jack yells at Clay for shooting a woman when he didn’t have to. Clay says “They weren’t gonna just hand us the money and say thank you for shopping with us.” Nick tells Clay to shut up.
Warlock: Wow, the real Mr. Blonde telling this movie’s Mr. Blonde to shut up.
*Nick gets chased by at least 5 police cruisers that try to ram him, further injuring Vic. He begans evading one after another, causing them to crash one by one. One completely explodes a winnebago*
Warlock: Metal cars, gotta love em.
*Nick plows into the final car and pushes it into traffic before speeding off. Nick pulls over and the team escapes through a hole in the sewer. Nick tells Lacey not to let anything happen to Nadia and Lacey says “don’t let anything happen to you.”
Warlock: Awwww isn’t that sweet?
*The police are on their way as Nick drives off. Jack carries Vic but he can’t really walk. Lacey shouts to Clay to go back and help them. Clay “We’re all gonna day because of that fat Fabio lookin fuck”
Warlock: He’d kick the shit out of you, I wouldn’t say that.
*Lacey shouts to help them and he says sure. Clay then naturally plugs Vic three times, killing him. Jack strangles him until Lacey says to let him go*
Warlock: That was her chance to take him out under Lamar’s orders. Oh well.
*Carter gets intel that its Nick James driving the car*
Warlock: Ah lovely, he’s gonna go away for life.
*Clay kills Jack and Lacey finally shoots Clay in the side*
Warlock: About fucking time.
*Nick drives through a warehouse while still being chased by the police. He then gets surrounded so he drives off a pier back onto the street, evading police*
Warlock: Yeah, these cops suck.
*Nick abandons the van and runs for it. Cops don’t find him. Simpson (David Fralick) at the police has no idea where Nick is. Lamar tells Lacey that they’re going to leave Nick with Clay when this mission is over. Lacey thought the plans was just to hand him over to the cops. Lamar yells at her that she’s being ridiculous*
Warlock: Yeah, he can go.
*Luther (Sal Landi) meets Nick “Where the hell you been?”
Warlock: Is his first name Bart?
*Next frame is Lacey eating with Nadia. Nadia is still pissed at him. An associate says Luther and Nick are on their way back. Lamar greets them when they enter the warehouse. Nick gives him shit for Clay’s actions. Nick says he’s taking Nadia and leaving. Lamar says there’s one more step and if he refuses, he’ll kill Nadia personally. Nick asks if they’re going to hit more banks. Lamar says no, kidnap the president*
*Lamar says the plan is to kidnap the president and sell him. Nick “to who?” Lamar “I don’t know, somebody he pissed off.”
Warlock: Take a number there.
*Lamar asks Nick “How do you think we got all this?”
Warlock: Wasn’t on blood and semen.
*Nick says Lamar is insane. Lamar says Nick will join him because of big money. Lamar “With big money, you can do anything. Money is power, money is freedom, money is hahahahha”
Warlock: Nice monologue.
*Nick “How can you do this, you’re American.” Lamar “OH DON’T GIVE ME THAT!”
Warlock: Yeah really.
*Nick knows Lamar is going to kill him and Nadia after and Lamar bullshits him otherwise. Lamar says his cut is 3 million dollars*
Warlock: Pfft, he’d piss that away in 3 minutes.
*Lamar says Nick’s involved in some very deep shit, the cops will put Nick in prison a very long time. This is his only chance out*
Warlock: You can trust Jake Roberts before you can trust this guy.
*Nick says he wants 1.5 million now and the other half when he gets the president. Lamar “A fool and his money are soon parted. Nick goes back to Nadia who finally shows him affection while Lamar watches on the monitor. Nick says everything’s going to be fine*
*General Moore (Lance LeGault) calls Lamar and says the execution must go perfectly. Lamar says to just bring the money*
Warlock: This is not going to end well.
*Lamar shit talks Moore when they’re off the phone. Lamar says if they don’t bring the president alive, they’re all dead*
Warlock: Nah, Nick will be fine.
*Traffic report says the presidential concave will cause grid-lock throughout the city as Nick checks his moneybag*
Warlock: He should pick up the president and give him half to buy his freedom. Still gets 750 grand out of it.
*Radio host complains about how liberal the president is*
Warlock: Nothing’s changed in 20 years.
*President asks first lady “how it went” she says “it went well”
Warlock: What was the purpose of that?
*Lamar tells Nadia that money made Nick do this. Meanwhile a truck driver pulls up to Officer Simpson and says 3 trucks coming through. Simpson lets them by. Lamar says to Nadia this is a well executed plan*
Warlock: We got 27 minutes left, this can’t end this quickly.
*The trucks smash into the concave and wipes out one of the secret service vans. Nick springs into action. The trucks wipe out the police escorts before the henchmen pour out and shoot it out with the secret service. The henchmen load Carlson into Nick’s car and he tells him to buckle up. They drive off as Lamar tells Nadia to watch this. The henchmen uncover a gattling gun*
Warlock: Who the fuck financed a goddamn gattling gun?
*The gattling gunners shoot the chopper out of the sky. Another chopper shoots at two henchmen and an explosion takes them both out*
Warlock: WHAT CAUSED AN EXPLOSION? They literally were running down the sidewalk. Was there a landmine that appeared out of nowhere?
*Second chopper wipes out all henchmen before its shot out of the sky by gattling gunners*
Warlock: THAT explosion makes more sense.
*Carlson tells Nick he’s not gonna get away with this. Nick says maybe not but hang on anyway. Lamar with Nadia says Nick is going to make him a very rich man*
Warlock: He’s just a pawn as much as Nick is….or a rook.
*Nick can’t shake the cops and one of Lamar’s men radios him asking where he is. Nick continues to try to evade the police*
Warlock: Can we get enough chase scenes? We’ve already established the cops are useless.
*Carlson asks where they’/re going, Nick says to a friend’s. Carlson “Oh good…step on it” Nick “No problem”
Warlock: The prez wants in too.
*Nick passes a checkpoint which is actually a bomb rigged to blow which takes out the police chasing behind Nick.*
Warlock: Good plan Lamar.
*Nick makes it to the warehouse where Jack is there to greet him. Jack takes Carlson and tells Nick to get out of there*
Warlock: I thought Jack was killed by Clay, guess I was wrong earlier.
*All of a sudden Nick holds Jack at gunpoint and tells him to get in the red car. Lamar gets pissed and asks what he’s doing. Lamar grabs Nadia and tells her that he must not value her life and throws her out of his office. Meanwhile Nickgrabs his money, loads Carlson in the trunk of Jack’s car and floors it. Jack sits in the red car and says “Shit!”*
Warlock: What in the name of magus is he doing?
*Nick drives to Bela’s garage who says “You won’t believe what’s going on out there. Its insane!” Nick tells him to close the door. Nick unlocks the trunk and Bela sees Carlson “Hooooooly shit! Jesus Christ”
*Nick leads Carlson into Bela’s apartment. Bela tries to pass off his pervsion on “kidss”. Nick tells Carlson about being forced to kidnap him by a man named Lamar. Bela shouts that they’re not terrorists. Nick tries to Carlson that he needs to stay there because the bad guys are holding his wife and they’ll kill her no matter what. He says they’re holed up in Area 55. Suddenly a SWAT team prepares to blow into Bela’s apartment*
Warlock: Oh jesus, how’d they find him?
*Nick tells Carlson his side and Carlson asks if he’s innocent. Carlson says he’s pissed off, not so much at Nick as he is his security for letting this happen. Nick says he needs a few hours to rescue his wife before he’ll turn himself in. Carlson asks why should he trust him. Finally the SWAT team barges in but Carlson says to let them go. Carlson asks how far Area 55 is. Carlson says he’ll give him two of the SWAT teamers and if they don’t rescue Nadia in 2 hours, they’ll do it his way. Carlson hands him his watch and says there’s a homing device in it, hence why the SWAT team found him*
*Bela wants to go with Nick and Nick says sure. Nick shakes hands with Carlson and Nick’s team leaves. Bela tells the SWAT teamers that stayed with Carlson that there’s plenty of beer in the fridge*
*Lamar laments to Lacey that they have 20 million dollars worth of equipment but can’t find them. We cut back to Nick who has Bela in a body bag and Bela says he doesn’t have a good feeling about this*
Warlock: Oh come on, how dumb do you think Lamar is? He won’t fall for that.
*Nick says the keyword is cherry coke. When he says cherry coke, shoot everything in sight except him. The SWAT guys are in the trunk. When he pops it, go*
Warlock: This….may not work.
*Lamar watches on the monitor as Nick arrives. Luther wants to see the president and Nick asks if he’s ever had a cherry coke. It takes a few seconds but Bela plugs Luther. Nick pops the trunk and the SWAT teamers take out the other guard. Nick yells at Bela as they continue their way to Arwa 55*
Warlock: This makes me want a cherry coke.
*An alarm goes off as about 30 henchmen make their way toward Nick’s car*
Warlock: Jesus its 4 against 30, plus Lacey and Lamar….maybe Jack too.
*Nick’s team takes out 4 or 5 onrushing guards. Nick tells Bela to stay behind, he’s going to get Nadia*
Warlock: Mr. America hates splitting up.
*Swat Team dude takes out 5 more guys. The other SWAT dude and Nick start capping guys left and right. Lamar tells Lacey to go get Nadia*
Warlock: 8 minutes left, let’s end this.
*Backup arrives and a whole shootout commences. Nick starts capping guys*
Warlock: Ok come on, he’s a Hollywood stunt driver, not a former commando. His accuracy is way too good.
*Lamar corners and kills one of the SWAT teamers. Nick barges into the holding cell where Lacey has Nadia at gunpoint. Nick tells her to drop the gun, its all over. Lacey says its never over. Bela walks in and she taunts him to put down the gun. Bela says ladies first. Lacey shoots Bela and Nick pistol whips her. Nadia grabs Lacey’s gun and Bela is hit in the chest just above the heart. Nick says “You’re not gonna die you crusty old bastard, let’s go.”
Warlock” Yeah, that looks above the heart, he should be good.
*Bela “Some fuckin plan Nick.”
Warlock: Hey it almost worked.
*Lamar and 2 henchmen corner Nick, Nadia and Bela. Lamar “If I’m going down, least I’ll have the pleasure of taking you out first.” Bella screams “Cherry coke” and kamikazes the trio. He kills the two henchmen but Lamar shoots him twice and Nick in the shoulder. Nick grabs Nadia’s gun and unloads into Lamar, killing him*
Warlock: Goodnight dick.
*Nadia grabs Nick and leads him outside where the president’s men await. Nick is patched up in an ambulance as Carlson jumps in. Carlson “How ya doin partner?” Nick “I’m sorry.” Carlson “Its alright, worse things have happened to presidents.”
Warlock: Don’t go into a playhouse.
*Carlson without actually saying so says they can reduce his prison sentence. He grabs the moneybag and says he can have it. Nick hands him the watch back and Carlson leaves*
Warlock: Wow, that would never happen. They’d confiscate the bag.
*Nadia says he loves him and they kiss. End credits*
Warlock: What happened to Lacey? Did she get arrested? What happened to Jack? Awww fuck it.
The Warlock’s Assessment: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average
*Warlock rises from the kitchen table*
Warlock: That was pretty average. Lot of decent things, action was good, acting was good…storyline was iffy but for a B movie that was fun to sit through. Would have loved to have seen Roy Scheider start kicking ass but oh well. Its worth taking a look if you’ve got two hours to kill and nothing else is on. That about wraps up another IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE, have a pleasant evening.