*The Warlock and Mr. America are marching around the lair in a circle, The Warlock’s wearing an Adidas New England Patriots #12 Tom Brady jersey, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. Mr. America is wearing a Nike New England Patriots #87 Rob Gronkowski jersey. They’re pointing their index fingers in the air after the New England Patriots defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers 36-17 in the AFC Championship Game*
Warlock: WE’RE NUMBER ONE! WE’RE NUMBER ONE! WE’RE NUMBER ONE!
*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner wearing standard attire*
Neyz: Will you guys cut it out? Its just a game.
Warlock: Just a game??
America: Howwwww dareeee youuuuuu!
Neyz: They still have to win the Superbowl.
Warlock: Yeah don’t remind me.
America: Our bet still stands, Warlock.
Warlock: Yeah but I got two weeks of freedom beforehand and I’m gonna celebrate!
Neyz: Oh lovely.
Warlock: In fact, its movie time!
Neyz: Wait what? You put me through a 3 hour football game and now you’re gonna make me watch a movie?
Warlock: Oh quit your whining, its a Rob Zombie movie.
*America sits on the left side of the couch*
America: House of 1,000 Corpses?
Neyz: Devil’s Rejects?
America: Then what?
Warlock: The Haunted World of El Superbeasto.
America and Neyz: What??
*Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*
Warlock: Its only 77 minutes long, you can deal. So let’s begin.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A washed-up luchador and a super-spy investigate Nazi zombies, a nefarious scientist, and a stripper with a Satanic birthmark.”
America: This feels like Rob Zombie’s tribute to Scooby Doo.
Neyz: And if it is a pentacle, I’m going to scream.
*Old style Frankenstein opening for credits*
Neyz: This is your chance to go pee.
America: Go pee?????
*El Superbeasto (Tom Papa) and Luke St Luke (Ken Foree) yell at big breasted women. El Superbeasto hires hot women*
Warlock: Quiet on the set.
America: Big spicy meatball man! And action!
*Naked lady is scared of Superbeasto. He speaks in fake Italian*
Warlock: Ah shut up a ya face.
*El Superbeasto does 3 way scene with two hookers*
America: The hell?
*Two girls turn into demons with pentacles on their foreheads*
Neyz: I KNEW IT! Fucking A.
*Luke says its time to leave*
Warlock: The werewolf bit him in the ass. Time to hit the titty bar.
*Superbeasto hits up the titty bar.Gerard the Exterminator (Harland Williams) sprays bats. We get a montage of Superbeasto’s backstory with a musical number*
Warlock: Hahahaha oh my god its me.
Neyz: No its NOT.
*Superbeasto runs over Michael Myers who complains. The disco version of Beethoven’s 5th plays*
*Nazi werewolves do their march. Suzi-X (Sheri Moon Zombie) storms the nazi palace by herself.and steals Hitler’s head and escapes. Murray (Brian Posehn) escorts Suzi to safety. Suzi gets her own theme song*
Warlock: I sniffed her ass.
Neyz: You did NOT!
*Suzi kills a bunch of sharks*
Warlock: Jaws is gonna be pissed.
*Superbeasto watches his own commercial*
Warlock: This guy is so spastic.
America: Y0u know what would have been fitting for this movie to follow?
America: If we watched Heavy Metal before this.
Warlock: Good point.
*Dr Satan (Paul Giamanti) goes on a rant*
Warlock: Pie a la mode!
Neyz: Even on the can!
*Dr Satan buys King Kong’s corpse*
Warlock: That explains the opening.
Neyz: Really really scary.
Warlock: Yokozuna just missed a leg drop.
America: What? Oh…okay.
*Naked asses have Satan’s sign*
Warlock and America: Woahhhhhhhh
*Backside Meatpole Ride plays*
Warlock: You’re loving this aren’t you?
Neyz: No comment.
*Velvet Von Black (Rosario Dawson) performs by taking her top off.Warlock and America do a cartoon eye bulge*
Neyz: You two…ugh.
*Velvet Von Black song*
Warlock: I’m digging the soundtrack.
*Satan sees the 666 mark on Velvet’s ass. He says bring her to him*
Warlock: Send him to meeeeeee!
*Actual footage of animals are shown*
Warlock: Awww der Smittens.
Neyz: This movie is like Ren and Stimpy.
*Otto (Tom Kenny) talks to Elevator dude*
Warlock: That’s not me.
America: Ah finally.
*Otto goes to kidnap Velvet. Superbeasto goes to visit her with a beer hat on*
Warlock: Hahaha I love the hat.
*Superbeasto enters Velvet’s room and sees Otto trying to rape Velvet. He says “Should I leave or join in?”
Neyz: That was not right!
America: Is he gonna sing the Thomas The Tank Engine Theme?
*Superbeasto hears Velvet struggling and goes back to save her. Otto gets away*
Neyz: What the fuck?
*Velvet leaves a trail of cigarettes for Superbeasto to find. Velvet farts in Otto’s face*
*Superbeasto has to choose between wings and Velvet*
Neyz: This guy is so retarded.
*Beasto hands a cd of crank calls*
Warlock: I’m not the king of the forest.
America: What a dickhead.
*Suzi fights Nazi with a Beatles-esque song*
Warlock: That IS clever.
America: Like how the song is narrating what’s happening.
Warlock: Rock on, one time for Ringo.
*Suzi and Murray are surrounded by Nazi’s*
Warlock: Vhen Ze Furher sez, ve is the master race….
America: We heil! *farts* heil *farts* right in the fuerher’s face!
*Beasto helps Suzi fight the nazi’s and needs her help rescuing Velvet*
Warlock: Tool shed
America: Vertical bacon
*Suzi warns Beasto if he’s just in it to fuck Velvet she’s gonna kick his ass*
Neyz: Why does this guy remind me of Handel’s Messiah?
*Hitler’s head blows and all the nazi’s with it*
Warlock: Why didn’t Frankie D do that?
*Otto corrects Velvet’s grammar. The elevator dude bores everyone*
Warlock: I’m going to sleep now.
*Velvet farts again*
Neyz: You’re so gross.
America: Since when am I a hooligan?
*Beasto drives by the barrio*
Warlock: That’s how we do things in the barrio meng.
*Boss Rico (Danny Trejo) greets Superbeasto. He wants to play Twister*
Warlock: Left hand red, right foot yellow
America: Go fish.
*Otto says Velvet will make the perfect bride.Satan masturbates to Judy Gardland*
Warlock: What the fuck is this?
America: He’s fapping,
Neyz: He’s wanking.
*Otto interrupts Satan*
Warlock: Oof, blue balls.
*Superbeasto finds the Frankenstein wife getting eaten out by Burt (John Dimaggio)*
Warlock: Damn Burt.
*Otis Driftwood (Bill Moseley) and Varla (Tura Satana) talk*
Warlock: Hey look its Otis Driftwood.
Neyz: Oh my god, it is.
*Suzy shoots up the titty bar. Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig) grabs Suzi by the ass. She squeezes his hand till it bleeds with her ass*
Neyz: I knew he’d be here too.
*Satan sees Superbeasto coming*
Warlock: What’s the big stinkeroo?
America: For more information on Coliseum Video releases…..
*Suzi kills the worm after he gives up Satan’s location*
Warlock: Well that was easy.
*Monsters attack Superbeasto*
Warlock: We got 40 minutes left.
Neyz: Domo Agrigato Mr. Roboto.
*Suzi calls Superbeasto*
Neyz: Tutti fuckin fruiti.
*Beasto “Fred Savage is that you?”
Warlock: No, ITS BEN! MUAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
*Satan dances to Rapper’s Delight. Warlock sings along word for word*
Neyz: Alright shut up, that’s enough.
*Superbeasto says Dr. Satan was the dorky freshman who had a crush on Superbeasto’s sister. Flashback to normal Steve Wachowski getting bullied by Superbeasto*
Warlock: So who’s the bad guy here?
*Suzi calls Beasto and Krongarr (Charlie Adler) knock out Superbeasto. Otto has to go wait on Velvet and bathe her*
America: Bozo is Ozob spelled backwards.
*Otto goes down on Velvet by accident. He says it smells like bilge water from the Thames River*
*Beasto is in prison with El Gato (Rob Paulsen). Beasto “Who gives a shit?”
Warlock: This is a temporary setback.
*Suzi gets naked*
*Murray gets hard looking at Suzi. She tells him to cool it*
Warlock: That’s just being a dick tease.
*Beatles Zombie song again*
Warlock: Ringo Herr Starr
*Strange has 22 failed marriages as Otto narrates why they sucked*
Warlock: Hahahahaha “Ah my dry cleaning”
*Satan says nothing will stop him now. Beasto is afraid of Uncle Carl and rats. Uncle Carl shits out a whole bunch of rats*
Neyz: Oh this is so fucked up. I can’t even believe what I saw.
Warlock: There must be a world record amount of weed smoked in order to write this.
*Beasto breaks free and takes Gato with him. Meanwhile the zombies check out Suzi*
Warlock: I’m hard.
Neyz: You’re disgusting.
*Suzi finds 100 ways to insult nazi’s*
America: Here here!
*Zombies rise from the grave. Suzi corrects the nazis. Wilhelm is told to shut up. Meanwhile Satan tries to seduce Velvet. He says 50 percent of everything is hers if she marries him. She says he’s the man. Otto has to cut the ring off a finger*
*Satan “Be my number 23?” Velvet says yes*
Warlock: The best Polish wedding ever!
America: This makes Boo Hoo The Donkey look like Child’s Play.
*Gato says they’re doomed. Beasto uses Gato as a nunchuck and the sound guy is late*
Warlock: El Superbeastooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Neyz: Cut it out.
*Beasto hears the Polish music and goes to investigate. Meanwhile Suzi tells Murray to take care of the nazis, she’s going in. Otto ties Satan’s tie too tight*
Warlock, Neyz and America: Hahahahahaa
*Satan makes fun of Otto and Otto says they’re going to laugh at him. Meanwhile Kraggor takes attendance at the wedding*
*Satan stares at Velvet’s ass as she talks jive to her girlfriends*
Warlock: I hate that.
*Satan shoots her with a stun ray Godfather style*
Warlock: Love the Michael Corleone tribute.
*Beasto buries his face in Suzi’s ass until he finds out its Suzi “Creepy..incest”
Warlock: Oh god, they’re brother and sister. I get it now.
*Suzi confronts Beasto. Beasto says Steve Wachowski is trying to marry Velvet. Suzi recognizes the name and retches*
*Dr Phibes plays the organ*
Warlock: Ha, love that reference.
*Minister asks Velvet if she’ll marry him. A ripoff of Carrie complete with song occurs. Even the song says this part is most retarded*
Warlock: Hahahaha I knew they were ripping off Carrie as soon as I saw the bucket of blood.
*Satan kills everyone in the room. Suzi comes out and shoots at Satan who’s now 15 feet tall and ripped. Satan grabs Suzi and takes off as the Benny Hill theme plays*
Warlock: Hahahahaa nice touch.
*Montage of Satan tearing shit up. Santa Claus is killed. Meanwhile Murray, Beasto and Velvet are on their way to save Suzi*
Warlock: This is nice isn’t it?
*Velvet gets on a megaphone “Put the ho down” Suzi tells Satan to put her down. They egt in each other’s faces. Boss Rico says “catfight”
Warlock: ALRIGHT TAKE YOUR BETS, WHO YA GOT?
*Song *Masturabation’s good for your prostate*”
Neyz: Hahaha what the fuck??
*Suzi wins the fight*
Warlock: Neyz wins.
*Satan says Suzi is the the new Mrs Satan. Velvet complains and Satan kills her dead. Apparently according to the rulebook, killing his wife puts Satan back to normal*
*Superbeasto gives Satan a wedgie and punches him in the face. He goes to kick Satan away and Otto suggest a new boot. Beasto boots Satan away as Mexican gang chases the nazi’s away. Meanwhile Satan gets run over by the nazi’s and mexicans*
Warlock: Oh sweet heaven.
*Murray and Suzi leave Beasto as he’s delivering a monologue. Morris Green (Daniel Roebuck) interviews Beasto as he goes into Loverboy’s Working For The Weekend*
Warlock: *sings it word for word*
*Murray finally gets some from Suzi*
Warlock: About time.
*Otto waits on an injured Velvet. She unscrews him and he screws her*
Warlock: She screwed him, he screwed her.
*Elevator guy (Geoffrey Lewis) narrates the end credits*
*Betty Sue Lou (Laraine Newman)
Warlock: Is that what Laraine looked like naked in 1975?
Neyz: Ewwww, probably not.
*Dick Soup plays*
Neyz: Dick soup!
America: *Taps foot*
*Otis kills the country singer, grabs Betty Sue and leaves*
Warlock: Otis my man!
*end credits end with disco number and James Bond tribute*
Warlock: Totally over now.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I don’t even know what to give it.
Neyzor Blades Assessment: The fuck did I just watch? Don’t make me put a number in there. The coolest part was seeing Devil’s Rejects characters.
The Warlock’s Assessment: How about a 5, will you two agree with that? Fuck it…I give it an 8. I fuckin loved it.
Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Brilliant.
*Warlock sings badly as he puts the song Superbeast on*
Warlock: HEYYYYY YEAHHH, IM THE ONE THAT YOU WANTES, HEYYYY YEAHHHH IM THE SUPERBEAST!
*all 3 headbang*
Warlock: HEYYYY YEAH, HAVE A PLEASANT EVENING, HEYYY YEAHHH!