*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, PUPPET MASTER VS DEMONIC TOYS t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and walks into the lair*
Warlock: With the Royal Rumble last Sunday, it gave me an idea for a special IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE.
*Mr. America is sitting in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: What does Youtube have to do with the Royal Rumble.
Warlock: Tonight’s movie stars Rowdyyyyyyy, Roddyyyyy, Piperrrrrrr!!!
America: Oh, that’s much better.
Warlock: Tonight’s tale is Jungleground, the 1995 action flick starring Roddy Piper as an undercover cop who’s cover gets blown to smithereens and must fight his way out of a trap.
America: Sounds straightforward.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get right to it, Jungleground.
Directed by Don Allan
Written by Michael Stokes
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Roddy Piper portrays a police Lt. working undercover in the so-called Jungleground. His sting operation goes bad and as a result he is caught. Odin, his captor and would be drug lord decide to play a game with Roddy. Roddy is given until morning to make it out of the Jungleground alive”
America: What? So it sounds like this guy had him to start. That’s your own damn fault for letting him live and giving him a chance. I don’t care who the bad guy is, he deserves to die for that stupidity.
Warlock: Movie hasn’t started yet and you’re already irate.
Warlock: I don’t hear bagpipes
America: What the…..ughhhhh
*Movie begins at a pizza shop. The workers load cocaine bags into the pizza sack. Niko (Rob Stefaniuk) has to drive Ponytail dude to the dropoff point. Niko wants a gun if they’re going into Jungleground. Ponytail scoffs at him. Niko doesn’t like it and Ponytail tells him to lighten up*
Warlock: Its like delivering pizza in Escape From New York.
*Rollerblading kid rolls by and Niko tells Ponytail to relax. Ponytail says its a war zone. He tells Niko to deliver the shit and go. Niko hits the doornob and the whole complex blows. Rollerblader rides up, now named Gameshow (Joel Gordon), kills Ponytail and says Dragon (Peter Williams) warned them. “Thanks for playing” as he blows the van with a molotov cocktail*
Warlock: Even the drug dealers are hated.
*Lt Jake Cornell (Roddy Piper) tells himself not to blow it*
Warlock: He kinds looks like Rowdy Roddy Piper, ever notice that?
*Sammy (Torri Higginson) tells Jake that Caitlin (Nicole De Boer) is setting up an art gallery. After a little romance two bikers walk into a convenience store. The clerk (Poi Wong) gets wise and a guy (Tommy Chang) comes out the back,starts throwing kicks at Thor (Jeff Wood). Thor gets the upper hand and throws the dude out the door. The leader is Diesel (Christopher Kennedy) and makes the clerk open the safe where there are about 15 keys of coke inside*
Warlock: Who needs money these days?
*Jake in coat and tie wanders around the exhibit. Caitlin says Jake must be getting serious with Sammy. Sammy is talking to Louis Brising (Earl Pastko). Caitlin and Jake walk up. Louis condescends Jake on purpose and Jake counters with his own barb about Louis not being toilet trained. Louis thanks her and leaves. On the roof Jake thinks she’s gonna yell at him but instead she yells about Louis being a prick instead. She says she’s gonna make something of herself as Jake pulls out an engagement ring box. Before he pops the question, Caitlin runs up and says Jake has a call from Robert Nielson (Nicholas Campbell)*
Warlock: Art gallery people suck.
*Jake says Robert is a sleaze in the government task force. Jake kisses Sammy and says he loves her. He puts the box away and walks away*
Warlock: He’s walking with a limp, his hip was never the same after the surgery.
*Jake meets Robert and Robert hands him a case file. Mob boss has been getting hit left and right by Odin (JR Bourne) and the Ragnarockers. Jake says they’re trying to clean up their own streets. Robert says Odin wants to corner the drug market for themselves. Robert drives Jake to Jungleground. Jake has two team members, Blackjack (Damon D’Oliverira) and Whitney (Anne Marie Loder-DeLuise)*
Warlock: She married Peter DeLuise. Ha, married a fake undercover cop and now is playing one.
*Whitney and Blackjack says they’re posing as druglords to get inside with Ferret (Jason Blicker) and Dragon. The four of them are going in*
Warlock: Why do I have a feeling 3 of them aren’t getting out alive?
*Dragon tells Gameshow to get in and get out, apparently Gameshow is his little brother. Meanwhile Jake’s team has the bus depot staked out. Whitney and Blackjack get surrounded by Dragon’s men. Pretty Boy (Robin Dunne) hits on Whitney. Blackjack wants to make a drug deal. Dragon throws the coke down and says no one sells on his turf. Blackjack says to get out of there. Pretty Boy gooses Whitney and he punches him down*
Warlock: Nice shot.
*Pretty Boy pulls a gun and Robert shoots him dead. Gameshow unloads with a machine gun and Robert is tagged. Whitney jumps behind a bar as Dragon’s men start hightailing it. Blackjack dives through a window. Dragon and Gameshow make it out of there as Ferret unloads with a machine gun. Blackjack and a gang member take each other out. Ferret finally kills Whitney as Jake runs out of there and gets hit by a bus. Ferret shoots at him but misses by a mile*
America: One of the worst shots out there.
*Gameshow and Dragon formulate a plan as Jake runs away*
Warlock: Now we get to play Escape From New York.
*Jake gets surrounded by Diesel’s gang. They take him hostage. Diesel says Dragon is gonna lose his colors for this. Now Jake is all chained up. Odin taunts him and gives orders to Dragon. Jake says “You walk his dog too?” Odin says you won’t get any sympathy from Dragon because a crooked cop was supplying Dragon’s sister with heroin and she died of an OD*
Warlock: Possible face turn, maybe.
*Odin says he’s gonna show Jake something that no one from the city ever sees*
America: Awwww so considerate.
*Odin shows Jake the village of Jungleground. Various rejects, weirdos, goons and jagoffs mill around. Odin says Ragnarok is the viking word for Apocalypse. Odin gets on the intercom and says some of their friends are dead and Jake is responsible. Odin gives the order to serve “justice” as a car smashes through a window and pulls into the crowd. They tie spikes to the car. Odin then has Ferret tossed 30 feet below on it, killing him. Odin says that’s a reminder not to talk to outsiders. Captain Purdy (Victoria Snow) gets the scoop from Ivan (David Gow) about the shooting and that Jake was taken hostage*
Warlock: So much for ferret face.
*Odin calls up Sammy and hangs up without answering. Louis then walks up and hits on her*
Warlock: I doubt he’s in on it.
*Dragon protests Odin letting Jake live, saying if he gets away, they’re all fucked. Odin says everything its a game. Odin says to Dragon to take Shades (Naomi Gaskin), Loki (Rogue Johnston), Thor, Spider (Lexa Doig) and Gameshow. Dragon says he doesn’t want to risk his little brother and would rather take VP (Ernie Grunwald). VP says if he goes, that would jeopardize the whole operation. Odin says sure, VP goes. Diesel protests since he caught Jake. Odin says fine, Diesel goes too*
Warlock: Alright, 7 against 1.
*Louis tries to force himself on Sammy as a set of twins (Rafael and Yan Feldman) shoot Louis dead. Odin then tells Jake that the twins are keeping Sammy company as insurance*
Warlock: Odin looks like Christian Cage circa 2005 only this was 10 years before.
*Jake tries to cater to Dragon but Odin cuts him off. Jake is led away with people throwing garbage at him. Shades flicks a cigarette and it lights a gas trail. A car is blown as Jake gets a headstart. Dragon says they’ll search in teams so Jake doesn’t pick them off one by one*
Warlock: Wow, logic.
America: There’s something you don’t see too often.
*Jake spots Diesel, Thor and Loki headed his way. Thor and Loki spot Jake on the roof of a building and make their way up there. Dragon’s team shows up as Loki says Thor’s got him on the roof. They all make their way up there as Jake knocks out Thor. He searches him for a gun but takes his clothes instead*
Warlock: At least he’s not wearing pink, floppy boxers.
*Dragon finds Thor stripped to his boxers. Dragon scoffs at Diesel as Gameshow shows up unannounced. Jake puts on the gang colors nearby as we cut briefly to Purdy and Ivan leaving the crime scene*
Warlock: What’s the purpose of that?
*Jake runs after the police cruisers but they drive off. Jungleground citizens including Posie (Rachel Wilson) taunt Jake. Diesel’s team shows up and Jake says “Ain’t life fucking grand” and runs for it*
Warlock: Oh boy, we get to play cat and mouse for another 45 minutes.
*Jake runs into a warehouse where Diesel’s team splits up*
Warlock: Oh, they split up.
*Spider scares Diesel and he calls her a stupid bitch. VP and Loki surround a bus. Jake cleans out VP with a fire extinguisher*
America: What did you think would happen when you gave your position away?
*Jake has VP cornered and finds a key of coke on him. “Ohhh, Blackie had you pegged.” Jake ties up VP and leaves him for the others. Dragon says to kill VP since he talked. Diesel says they can’t do that since its Odin’s right hand man. Dragon says do it anyway and Loki shoots VP dead*
Warlock: You know how your pet peeve is splitting up?”
America: Yeah, its a recipe for suicide.
Warlock: Mine is “take out your own guy”, its a recipe for the good guy don’t have to do shit.
*Gameshow rides up on Jake and shoots at him while taunting him with game show cliches*
America: His aim sucks.
*Jake makes it up the stairs*
Warlock: Well he can’t follow him up the stairs on roller blades.
*Jake jumps down to ground level*
*Gameshow is crushed by a falling refrigerator. Dragon rushes to his aid but Gameshow shoots himself so he won’t die like this*
Warlock: Possible face turn….
*Sammy sets up a trap in the bathroom to electrocute one of the twins who stares at the wire*
America: This moron is staring at the wire and realizes what’s in front of him and STILL puts his hand on the metal window.
*Sammy climbs the fire escape as the second twin screams*
Warlock: That’s really not going to help.
*The second twin pulls out a gun and recaptures Sammy. Meanwhile Posie says she’s there to help and Jake goes along with it*
Warlock: Why would he ever trust her. For all he knows that could be Odin’s sister, cousin or girlfriend.
*Posie brings Jake to a hotel room, the clerk calls up Odin. Odin’s car pulls up to Diesel’s crew. Cowboy (Dayo Ade) is in the back. Diesel squeals that Dragon had VP killed and Gameshow is dead too. Dragon pulls a gun on Odin and says they had a pact. Dragon pulls the key of coke and figures out Odin used them to kill the competition. Odin caters to Dragon that they’re family*
Warlock: Don’t listen, shoot him! End this movie early.
*Dragon puts the gun down and Odin hugs him. Meanwhile Posie says her pimp’s name is Roach (Drew Lynn) and Jake says “He sounds like a prince of a guy”
*Posie says Jake is a bad guy down there. Odin and his crew shows up to the hotel and all pull out. Odin asks Roach if Jake is alone and he says “who cares man?”
Warlock: He looks like Sleazy P Martini the GWAR manager.
*Jake punches a hole through a mirror and uses a huge shard as a knife. Pose says Round Ruby has a gun. They go up and get it for her while she’s with a client. Jake loads the gun and they run downstairs right into an ambush, Cowboy opens fire as Jake runs back upstairs*
Warlock: They’re a little early for this.
*Odin’s crew split up again as Jake pries the elevator doors open. He sends Posie down the shaft as Cowboy shoots at her. He misses, Jake slides down the shaft and shoots Cowboy dead “Hiyo silver”
*In the bowels of the building Jake regroups with Posie. They make it through an underground exit to get back on the streets. Jake has a one on fight with Loki and steals his car. Posie hotwires it. Jake “Does everybody in this town know how to do this but me?” Jake says lets get out of here and we cut to the Twins. The second twin has gone insane and starts whispering to the dead one*
Warlock: I think he’s lost it folks.
*Twin 2 has Sammy tied up and goes to suffocate her with duct tape. Meanwhile Odin’s men have killed Roach and take off in hot pursuit of Jake and Posie. A whole gaggle of gangsters have the bridge leading out of Jungleground surrounded*
Warlock: How they gonna pull this off?
*Posie says they know she helped her so if she goes back, she’s dead. Jake says across the bridge is HIS turf and he’ll get her someplace safe if they make it across. Odin and his crew make it to the bridge. Odin waits for Jake to show*
Warlock: Thee’ 23 minutes left, this can’t be the finish.
*Posie does a donut to draw everyone’s fire long enough for Jake to sneak across the bridge, wiping out one goon after another. A guy kamikazes himself but misses Jake completely*
Warlock: Hahahaha what the fuck?
*Jake fights Big Boy (Craig Mally) and backdrops him over the car. Kamikaze guy makes weird noises and Jake punches him out with one punch. Jake starts a car and drives off as Posie runs for it. Jake rides up and Posie gets in. They gun it for the bridge with Odin’s crew shooting at them*
Warlock: Little early for them to escape.
*Jake wipes out one of the cars with men in it. They get to the bridge and two guys propel down with machine guns. Jake takes them out but he flips the car*
Warlock: That didn’t work.
*Jake grabs Posie and they run for it. Jake screams as Odin crashes through the car. Dragon is out cold in the driver’s seat. Odin crawls out as Jake grabs him and places him under arrest. Odin admits Dragon took Jungleground back but Odin was supplied by the mob boss all along. Odin’s men run up and start blasting. Jake makes it across the bridge as Odin runs back to his men. He tells Diesel that he’s warchief now. Posie is hit in the stomach and Jake drags her to a construction site. He commandeers a truck to go back to Sammy. Diesel can’t follow Jake because the bridge is blown by the exploding car. Odin screams “Noooooooooooooo”*
Warlock: Is Dragon dead or what?
*Back at Sammy’s, Twin 2 spots Jake coming. He hides behind the elevator with a gun and shots at it….nobody there. He kicks open a door and Jake shoots him dead. Jake finds Sammy and unties her. Dragon then walks in*
Warlock: How the fuck did he get here?
*Dragon “You thought you left me for dead on the bridge, well here I am. I’ve come to get the motherfucker responsible for my brother’s death…..is he coming?”
Warlock: I knew it.
*Dragon says he heard Odin squealing on the bridge and said he wanted to kill him there but couldn’t find his gun. Odin’s men attack Sammy’s penthouse but Dragon and Jake fight them off. Diesel, Thor, Loki, Odin, Lazarus (Christopher Lee Clements) have Jake surrounded on the roof. Jake says he made it home at dawn, he wins. Odin says he lied about letting him go. Dragon wipes out Lazerus and Thor with a machine gun until attacked by Diesel. Jake clotheslines Odin. We get dueling one on ones with Diesel/Dragon and Odin/Jake. Sammy runs up and she and Loki shoot at each other*
America: Dude, you have horible cover. You’re hiding behind nitrogen tanks.
*Dragon hangs and electrocutes Diesel at the same time*
Warlock: How’s it hanging Sparky?
*Jake grabs Odin by the nuts and throws him 30 feet below through a glass window. Sammy finally hits the tanks and blows Loki away. Jake runs down with Dragon where Odin is laying. Odin pleads with Jake as Jake takes his engagement ring back. Jake goes to kill Odin but makes Dragon give the order. Dragon says let him live a straw life. Jake backs off and Dragon says “Thank for playing.” Jake walks off and Odin taunts him. Next day the olice show up. Purdy says Posie made it out of surgery ok. Jake tells the cops to let Dragon go. He says he’ll be seeing him, Jake says “You can count on it.” Sammy asks Jake why he’s going back to Jungleground and he gives a speech about change and how it can be better. They kiss and he opens the ring box. He hides it from her as we fade to black. End credits*
Warlock: We made it!
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6. I would have rated it higher but it was a clear knockoff of Escape From New York. The gang taking over the town element plus the “Duke” in Odin. Yeah, been there done that. Still it was fun to watch Roddy Piper kick ass so this makes it enjoyable to watch. Not great, but it’ll do.
Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: I liked it but it does have its flaws. Too many characters without development and the floor is full of holes. Its worth a look to see the late, great Roddy Piper. The walls are a little bit blue right now, I dont know why, they’re supposed to be white.
America: What the hell are you talking about?
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.