*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, TRON t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a diamond studded goblet of Dr Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock looks at joggers who look at him and sprint faster down the street. Warlock walks inside*
Warlock: Last night’s big victory by the New England Patriots over the Texans kept the bet alive with Mr. America. Thank god for that.
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: There’s always next Sunday.
Warlock: Yeah, and if they win, they’re going to the Superbowl.
America: Whatever, what are we watching now?
Warlock: Tonight’s its another IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE!
America: Oh great.
Warlock: Don’t worry, I got my laptop hooked up to the TV so we don’t have to huddle around the kitchen table.
America: That’s a little better.
Warlock: Tonight’s movie is the 1991 Michael Biehn thriller Timebomb.
America: Never heard of it.
Warlock: Me either. This should be interesting.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s kickoff Timebomb.
*Warlock reads the tagline*
Warlock: “When someone tries to murder watchmaker Eddy Kay, the incident triggers a barrage of nightmares and flashbacks into a past that isn’t his own. Fearing for his sanity, Eddy contacts psychiatrist Dr. Anna Nolmar (Patsy Kensit) for help*
America: Okay, I’m lost.
*Opening credits with closeup of eyeball*
Warlock: I see you.
*Colonel Taylor (Richard Jordan) walks down the hallway with a briefcase*
America: Oh good, you can walk down hallways well.
*Man in suit walks into a room of mannequins with a banner for Dean Jordan (Harvey Fisher) overhead. Mr Grey (Jim Maniaci), Mr. Brown (Billy Blanks), Ms Blue (Tracey Scoggins), Mr Redd (Steven J Oliver) Mr Green (Carlos Palomino) and Mr Black (Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini” take target practice*
Warlock: So Reservoir Dogs ripped these guys off. By the way we got boxing champion Ray Mancini, martial arts master Billy Blanks and Tracey Scoggins of Babylon 5.
America: Good cast.
*Eddy Kay (Michael Beihn) is working on a watch when Dr. Anna Nolmar walks in*
Warlock: Now we get Kyle Reese and Rika from Lethal Weapon 2.
*Eddy badly flirts with Anna and she tells him please make the watch work again*
*Bernie (Bernie Moffat) says hi as Waitress (Julie Brown) asks about his buns before a building blows across the street*
America: What the hell?
Warlock: Talk about random.
*A car blows*
America: Why did the car blow up? Its parked a good 10 feet outside the building.
*Eddy runs into the building burning to save a woman and baby*
Warlock: A man of the people.
*Eddy savate kicks through the wall to save the lady and we cut to the news where Dean Jordan is featured*
*Colonel Taylor makes a sex hotline call when Eddy is shown on the news being the hero of the fire*
Warlock: Way to go Kyle Reese.
*Taylor makes a phone call to Mr. Phillips (Robert Culp) and says they need to take out Eddy Kay. Next frame Eddy wakes up when his alarm goes off. He feeds the fish*
Warlock: Wow, I’m not used to him being halfway human.
*Eddy says hi to Mrs McDonald (Jeannine Riley) before riding his bike to work. Taylor and Mr.Brown drive by and recognize him*
Warlock: Billy Blanks will fuck him up.
America: We’ll see.
*Taylor says to Brown to take him out that night. Next frame is Brown sneaking into Eddy’s room with a knife. Eddy fights off Black as McDonald bangs on the door. Eddy is in fetal position as the cops show up*
*Detective Sanchez (Raymond St Jacques) questions Eddy. Eddy says this wasn’t a burglary, it was an assassination. They didn’t take anything. Sanchez asks who could have done this. Eddy says the man looked like a psycho. Sanchez asks how he didn’t kill him. Eddy doesn’t know. Next morning Eddy helps McDonald with her flower planting*
Warlock: Two movies in a row with flowers, only this isn’t as crucial.
*Ms. Blue meets with the rest of the assassins*
Warlock: Boom boom!
Warlock: Ray Mancini.
*Eddy flashesback to a naked woman (Sheila Young)and someone getting throat cut*
Warlock: This is no longer the worst….what the fuck is going on?
*Eddy arrives to work and the assassins close in when he leaves*
Warlock: They’re shit at explaining things in this movie.
*Mr Black runs over Eddy but Eddy lives. He walks home*
Warlock: He’s having a shitty day isn’t he?
America: Oh yeahhhh.
*Eddy has a flashback of him killing someone. He says this has got to stop*
Warlock: What the hell is going on?
America: They’re not doing a good of of explaining things.
*Eddy calls up Anna and says he’s got a replacement watch for her that night. More flashbacks after*
Warlock: What the hell?
*Eddy arrives at Anna’s office and hands her the watch. Then he asks for help with his flashbacks. She says she has to leave soon but lets him in anyway*
Warlock: In real life she would have sent him away.
Warlock: And shoot at him too.
America: I don’t know about THAT.
*Eddy talks about the naked girl and throat cutting*
Warlock: Yeah this will get you far, bringing up pornstars and murder.
*Eddy says he used to drink and do drugs until he woke up in a garbage dump. He changed right then and there. He drifted to the west coast and Anna tells him to get a checkup and a brain scan. Anna says memory neurons are destroyed by abuse*
Warlock: Well that sucks for him.
*Anna says he can pay for the session by fixing her watch*
Warlock: Two movies in a row.
*Eddy walks out of Anna’s office and spots the assassins waiting. He tries to leave through the basement. Ms Blue says hi to Eddy and he doesn’t recognize her. Finally she pulls a knife and attacks him. He fights her off and runs into Mr Grey who pulls a knife. He runs for it. He pulls a shotgun and Mr Green is behind him. A shootout occurs*
Warlock: Where’d he get the shotgun?
America: It was in his bag.
Warlock: Yeah but where did he GET it?
*Eddy tries to beat up Mr Grey but Grey no-sells everything. Grey, Blue and Green surround him until Anna shows up. He jumps in her car and goes berserk about the assassins. Anna didn’t see them and she wants to take him to the police. Eddy doesn’t know what to do. Eddy speaks Hungarian to a doctor and he has no idea how. He then flashes back to when he spoke Hungarian to a man (Steven Daboczy). He then wakes up and Anna is starting to believe him. Eddy says he knows things that he shouldn’t and its like someone is in his body*
Warlock: Jesus H Christ.
*Eddy begs Anna to stay with him at the hospital. Meanwhile the assassins show up*
Warlock: So this movie is a ripoff of Total Recall.
*Mr Brown leads Mr Grey and Mr Green disguised as SWAT teamers into the hospital. An explosion knocks out the power and the assasins wipe out the hospital staff*
Warlock: What the hell?
America: Remember Mr. Phillips said not to make it clean? Well this sure is messy.
*Green shoots at Anna but she runs away into Eddy’s room. Eddy strangles and kills Green while shooting at Grey and Brown. The timer runs out and brown and Grey retreat. Eddy grabs Anna and grills her in the car. He says the only one who knew he was at the hospital was Anna and if he had taken the sedative Anna suggested, he’d be dead now. She calls him mad. Anna doesn’t want to be involved and Eddy says to do what he says*
Warlock: Come with me if you want to live.
*Eddy: “Stay here…STAY!”
Warlock: Sit! Roll over! Play dead!
*Eddy calls Sanchez and Sanchez says he’s NOT Eddy Kay. He died in Vietnam in 1972. Eddy hangs up and Anna tries to run away. Eddy then takes Anna hostage and threatens to kill her if she tries anything*
Warlock: That was a quick heel turn.
America: Its a movie, he’ll go good guy again.
*Anna at the hotel says she wants to fetch Eddy medicine. Eddy says its a conspiracy. Eddy Kay calls Mrs. Richards who was the mother of his childhood friend and she doesn’t recognize him. Eddy died in 72. Anna makes a fun for it but Eddy trips her and cries on her shoulder*
Warlock: This getting weirder.
*Taylor confronts Phillips face to face. Taylor says the Bluebird Program was instigated to combat the emotional operatives. Taylor says they experimented on people and 7 became exceptional soldier. Six are active, the seventh is the 7th. Taylor says they thought Eddy was killed in combat but he’s alive. Taylor says if this gets out, they’re all fucked*
Warlock: They think he’s crazy, nobody will believe him.
*Eddy and Anna share bonding moments*
Warlock: If he bangs her in this movie, I’ll be proud.
*Eddy ties up Anna and rigs up a trap, if she moves, she’s dead*
Warlock: What if she’s gotta take a piss.
America: I don’t know.
*Eddy gets food and returns. The trap was a fake all along. Anna goes to attack him but he calms her down. He says he hopes she’s not on a diet*
*Eddy calls up Sanchez and says he’ll release Anna to him but him alone. He wants him there alone in 20 minutes. Anna thanks him for allowing her to go home. Next frame is Eddy letting Anna go and taking her car*
Warlock: He’s a man of his word.
*Eddy listens to the news that Anna was targeted as well. Eddy drives after her. Mr Black does a driveby and wipes out Sanchez but Anna is ok. Eddy rams Black, guns down Redd and runs off with Anna. Brown, Grey and Black shoot at them*
Warlock: He got another one.
*Anna and Eddy make it to an adult porno theater as Sanchez is alive but wounded. A bomb blows up a police car*
Warlock: Lot of explosions but no point behind them.
*Black kills a theater patron. Black, Grey and Brown surround them*
Warlock: I can’t take this seriously with the porno in the background.
America: All she’s doing is playing with her hair.
*Eddy blows away Black with a pistol*
Warlock: So much for a one on one fight between Beihn and Boom Boom.
*Grey and Brown shoot at Eddy and Anna but they make it out alive. They shoot at them in a chase scene*
Warlock: What happened to Ms Blue?
*Back at the presinct, Sanchez is alive. His LT says the 7 people involved got sent to Lang Institute*
Warlock: Of course they cut away when they’re trying to explain it.
*Anna and Eddy hide in the back of a truck. She cries because she didn’t cry at her father’s funeral*
Warlock: She’s vulnerable. Go for it.
*Spanish sign says Alto*
Warlock: Juan es Alto. We still got 37 minutes to go.
*Eddy and Anna are now in Mexico*
Warlock: Wait, they made it to Mexico?
America: That’s what they want us to believe.
*Eddy flashesback to an assination attempt and crawls across the street*
Warlock: Leave him alone he’s method acting.
*Taylor figures out they fled across the border, Brown and Grey are dispatched. Anna and Eddy share more bonding moments. Eddy drives to Oracle, Arizona*
Warlock: So they got back across the border just as easy?
*Eddy and Anna break into the abandoned Lang Institute*
America: Now they have to go search for clues.
Warlock: And that’s fun?
*Anna finds skeletons of dead animals. “Who would do this?”
*Anna asks why there would be military personnel at a mental institution and Eddy kicks the door in*
Warlock: Time to investigate.
*Anna is attacked by a bat*
Warlock: Its Grandpa Munster.
America: No, its a horribly designed prop bat. Its not convincing at all.
*Anna and Eddy find a secret office along with a lab area*
America: That seems like an awful lot of wasted space.
Warlock: Could be a training area?
America: Does it look like a training place. There’s buttons, control panels, monitors. What kind of training place would that be? Let’s shoot the stuff that’s supposed to operate the place. Great idea!
*Eddy looks confused*
Warlock: Is he rocking a mullet? He’s had like 5 different hairstyles in this movie.
*Anna uncovers more gizmos and gadgets along with a magazine from 1972. Eddy finds a human sized pod and he lies in it. Anna starts up the power*
Warlock: She unintentionally fries him, movie’s over.
*She unknowingly locks him in the pod and starts mashing buttons, his pod begins to fill with water*
Warlock: Hey hey how ya doin that? Get me outta here.
*Eddy has flashbacks of him as a boy, Anna notices and walks out. Eddy finally has the flashback to explain it. The memories were implanted in his head. His real name is Oliver Dykstra. Eddy Kay DID die in 1972 and he assumed his identity*
Warlock: So his real name is Oliver Dykstra.
*Anna yells to Eddy that he’s not a murderer. He has a flashback of Blue, Grey and Brown leaving him for dead during an assassination attempt. Anna gets Eddy out of the pod before the whole station blows. Next frame is at an INN*
Warlock: Come on, this was getting interesting.
*Oliver is in the shower as Taylor gets a tip that they surfaced again. Grey and Blue are on their way. Oliver is covered in bruises*
Warlock: He’s having a bad week.
*Anna says she should kiss the pain away*
Warlock: Damn, right out of Terminator.
*Anna starts kissing up on him*
Warlock: Here comes the useless sex scene.
America: Let me take a power nap.
Warlock: Takes off the runtime.
*Anna and Oliver get it on for real*
Warlock: Wow, this is real. Man she gets around….Mel Gibson, Mario Van Peebles, Michael Beihn.
*Blue and Grey barge in the room and take Anna hostage. Anana claims she has no idea where Oliver is. Grey goes to take advantage of her as Blue steps back. Oliver uses the mirror under the door trick to see where he is. He barges in with a chain and absolutely unloads on Blue*
Warlock and America: Ohhhhh
*Anna stabs Grey with a pocket knife and Oliver goes apeshit on him. He kills him with elbows*
Warlock: That was gruesome.
*Blue comes to and Oliver tells him to make the call. She refuses so he shoots her in the leg. She then calls Taylor and says the job is done. Blue tells him that there’s a plan against Dean Jordan the Attorney General that night. Sure enough, Taylor, Phillips and Brown are at the gala honoring Dean*
Warlock: Oh yeah, Blanks is the only one left.
*Mr. Brown pulls a gun from a toilet*
*Anna and Oliver race to stop the assassination*
Warlock: What happened to Blue?
America: No idea.
*Taylor has a bomb rigged to blow the whole building set for 30 minutes*
Warlock: That’s just movie time, they have all day.
*Dean Jordan: Man of The Year*
Warlock: Harvard Lampoon.
*The cops attempt to pull over Oliver, he keeps driving and pulls over. He leaves Anna with the cops who arrest her as she runs into the gala unarmed*
Warlock: How are they gonna finish this?
*Oliver buys a ticket from a dude (David Sawyer) using his own watch as collateral*
Warlock: The dude just made a thousand dollars, he’s happy.
*Sanchez shows up and believes Anna’s story that they’re after Jordan. Jordan says he’s there to rock the boat*
Warlock: rock the boat, don’t rock the boat baby.
America: Shut up already.
*Taylor spots Oliver and tells security to get him. Brown gets ready to shoot Jordan. Sanchez and Anna run in as the power blows. Brown goes to make the shot but Oliver jumps 10 feet in the air to stop him*
Warlock: Nice tribute to Jimmy Snuka there.
*Taylor starts shooting people aiming for Oliver*
Warlock: You’d think a police officer would notice and start capping him.
America: You’d think.
*Oliver catches Brown after a long chase. They have the one on one fight*
Warlock: Billy Blanks would kick the crap out of him in real life.
*Oliver tries to reason with Brown they’re just pawns but Brown won’t listen. Oliver throws him off the roof and Brown goes splat*
America: He’s not getting up.
*Taylor shows up and says he was the best. He points a gun at Oliver and says “See you in hell.” Then Sanchez shows up and shoots Taylor off the roof. Anna says its finished as Oliver has another flashback, end credits*
Warlock: What in the name of God was that ending?
America: That was not impressive.
Mr.America’s Assessment: I give it a 2.5. Just wasn’t that good.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 4. It was pretty bad, which is a crime considering all who were involved. They pretty much ripped off Terminator, Total Recall and some elements of Lethal Weapon. It was like the writers grilled Michael Biehn and Patsy Kensit about their previous movies they were in and wrote an incoherent script around it.
Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – Bad
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That was disappointing. With a cast that diverse I expected better. Then again it wasn’t so much the acting as it was the incoherent writing. The story was too convoluted when it didn’t have to be. They abandoned the first part of the movie like it never happened by the end. He went from mild mannered watchmaker to ultimate badass fighting Billy Blanks one on one. Still, it wasn’t he worst I’ve ever seen.
America: Oh just wait. If the Patriots lose the AFC Championship Game you’ll be suffering.
Warlock: Alright, I’ll bite. What’s this mythical beast you have planned if the Patriots don’t win the Superbowl?
America: You don’t want to know.
Warlock: I wanna know.
America: You REALLY wanna know?
Warlock: Out with it.
America: ……..A Serbian Film.
*America gets up and leaves, laughing as he shuts the door*
America: Have a pleasant evening.