*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock flicks his wrist and flame shoots out to the ground before he walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight is a special night here at the Realm. I’ll be flying solo for this one as my colleagues make preparation for the big Superbowl 51 party. Hope to god the Patriots win so I don’t have to watch A Serbian Film but no matter. Tonight I’m taking a look at a special request, not a fan request but a recommendation by the actual director of tonight’s movie.
*Warlock holds up a DVD cover*
Warlock: Tonight’s movie is The Girl. The 2014 horror movie directed by Jennifer Blanc-Biehn. For those who don’t know, that’s Michael Biehn’s wife. Her husband will be one of the main stars. What is it about? Let’s find out.
*Warlock takes his seat in the recliner*
Warlock: I could get used to this chair. Anyway, let’s start The Girl.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A kidnapped girl is rescued by a young boy, and in return is compelled to save him from the horrors that lie in his home.”
Warlock: This sounds creepy as fuck, its got my attention.
*Movie begins with Father (Michael Biehn) and some girl pleading to do anything so he won’t kill her. He says she’s already done everything he wanted*
Warlock: Use your imagination with that folks.
*Father “ARE YOU DONE BITCH? YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH! YOU WHORE! ARE YOU DONE?”
Warlock: Aw man, Biehn’s a heel?
*Father whacks girl in the head with a blunt object, drags her to the woods, takes a picture of her, takes her jewelry and buries her. Opening credits*
Warlock: Lovely, Kyle Reese is a a serial killer.
*Credits are a montage of Father killing various girls*
Warlock: Geez, save some of that for the movie.
*Father returns home from work with the picture in his uniform pocket and he locks his car door. His nametag reads Davis*
Warlock: Nice car actually.
*Davis washes his hands and looks in the mirror. He puts his hat back on, grabs the bracelet and picture before he hears the sound of a TV*
Warlock: Someone’s watching Home Shopping Network, quick, investigate!
*Davis enters the bedroom where Mother (Tia Carrere) is wearing crocs in bed while passed out with HSN on*
Warlock: Ha, I called it.
*Davis pulls out his special box of pictures out of the closet and puts this one in*
Warlock: I’d ask how she doesn’t wake up, but I just noticed the pill bottles on the nightstand.
*Davis puts away the box deep in the closet as Mother wakes up groggily for a brief second as Davis kisses her. He takes her crocs off and breathes heavily*
Warlock: “Christ…what a stink!”
*Davis is pulled over on the highway trying to fix his engine*
Warlock: “Good for nothing busted piece of junk!”
*Davis continues to tinker with his car while watching girls go by*
Warlock: Ohhhhh I get it.
*A mom (Heather DeVan) rushes to aid of her son (Cassius DeVan) who falls off his scooter*
Warlock: Heh, Jason’s wife.
*The Girl (Evie Thompson) is stopped by Davis who asks her for help. She says she doesn’t know anything about cars*
Warlock: Seriously guy? I know what you’re up to but most teenage girls aren’t Mona Lisa Vito.
*Davis says he needs to pick up her son from soccer practice. He asks if she has a cell phone. She asks if he has one and he says his battery is dead*
Warlock: A likely story.
*Girl hands him her phone and he says she’s a godsend. She says she doesn’t want him to get in trouble with his son and his wife. Davis “Oh, I’m not the one who’s in trouble.” He throws her phone in the trunk and gags her with a rag of chloroform*
Warlock: What the hell? He’s in broad daylight with people around? How did nobody see this?
*He puts her in the trunk and says “we’ll be home soon” He drives home to sappy soundtrack. Mother watches more HSN on TV where a weight loss snuggie is shown*
Warlock: What the hell is that? It looks like a oversized blanket, how is that supposed to help lose weight? And Tia Carrere is a goddess, what does she need to lose weight for?
*Mother shouts for Tommy (Tristian DeVan) who looks at her awkwardly as she goes nuts ordering the cocoon snuggie*
Warlock: Jesus, I can’t tell who’s more insane, Mother or Davis.
*Tommy tells Mother that dad is home. He ties up Girl to the shed with duct tape over her mouth. He takes the tape off and she sobs to let her go. He puts the tape back on and says to listen closely. “I don’t like messes, so if you need to shit or piss, use the bucket. You know, I don’t really think you understand. I really wish I could believe you that you’re different from all the others. I had high hopes of each and every one of them.” He then continues his monologue about all the girls he’s had being lying bitches. He asks her if she’ll behave and do everything he asks her to. She nods as Tommy watches Davis lock the shed door*
Warlock: Love how the kid is the only one who notices.
*Davis walks in and gets a warm greeting by Mother. Tommy looks at him in horror. Mother says she’s gonna get dinner started. Its going to be hot soup*
Warlock: Great, comes home from a hard day’s work with a brand new kidnapping victim and all he gets his a can of Progresso. No wonder why he’s nuts.
*Mother says he’s been busy lately. Usually on Thursday’s he comes home at 6, he asks if she’s been keeping tabs on him. She says no, that’s when her double double deal ends. Davis looks at her, scoffs and shouts for Tommy*
Warlock: “Get my belt, mommies in for a whooping”
*Tommy walks in and we get a back and forth montage of Girl sobbing and screaming while Davis patronizes Tommy for not eating the soup.Starving boys and girls would kill to have his soup*
Warlock: Wow, what an asshole.
*Tommy blows on his soup and Davis yells at him “NO, like a man!”
Warlock: Come on dude, even I can’t stand scolding hot soup….
*Davis warns Tommy to never, ever EVER go in his shed, he’s working on a new project.*
Warlock: Way to give away something is wrong in there.
*Mother says she’s bringing ice cream, Davis says he’d love some. He then opens a newspaper and says to Tommy “none for you.”
Warlock: Take away the shed gimmick, eventually this kid is gonna walk into his room with a gun and shoot him in the fucking head when he’s like 16.
*Tommy leaves the house and makes his way to the shed*
Warlock: Well the movie’s only 79 minutes long, can’t waste any time can we?
*Tommy plays outside near the shed but doesn’t go in it. Next frame is at night with a full moon*
*Girl continues to sob as Tommy has visions of girls screaming*
Warlock: What is he, a stigmata with his father?
*Tommy is passed out against the window as Mother wakes him up. Tommy watches Davis enter the shed and she nags him to get ready for school*
Warlock: Poor kid.
*Davis brings Girl a sandwhich but gets miffed when he sees the shit bucket tipped over with shit everywhere. He says he doesn’t have time to clean it up so he sprays it with Febreeze*
Warlock: How was she able to use it anyway with her hands tied up?
*He retapes her mouth as Tommy investigates the shed. Davis gets in his car and drives off as Mother walks outside and brings him his lunch. He’s supposed to come straight home after school for chores and homework*
Warlock: Ever heard of friends? Then again they live in the middle of fucking nowhere it seems.
*Mother nods off watching HSN again in between shots of Girl sobbing*
Warlock: ALRIGHT WE GET IT! CAN WE PROGRESS THE STORY PLEASE?
*Girl hears Tommy outside kicking a ball and she starts kicking her feet around to get his attention. The TV goes on the fritz inside the house*
Warlock: Oh no, don’t mess with her HSN!!!
*Tommy “I know someone’s in there!”
Warlock: Then do something you idiot!
*Mother marches outside and calls for Tommy to do his homework. Tommy says he doesn’t have any*
Warlock: He didn’t even go to school…..not that she’d notice.
*Tommy tries to communicate with Girl from outside and Girl unintentionally takes the cable out. Tommy threatens to tell his dad and he hears a loud scream from inside. He runs inside and tells Mother someone’s in the shed but she blows him off because she has to fix the TV. She blames Tommy for the cable and tells him not to go near the shed. Tommy “I’m sorry mommy.”
Warlock: Wow what a wuss.
*Tommy watches from his room as Davis goes to the shed. He nails the windows shut and Tommy watches where he puts the key. Next day Tommy runs home from school and goes to the shed*
Warlock: At least they gave him a backpack this time.
*Girl gets her tape off and says to help her. Tommy “I’m Tommy, who are you?” Girl “I don’t know, I’m confused.”
Warlock: What kind of dialogue is that? How does she not know her own name?
*Tommy can’t get inside and Girl says he’s her only hope. Tommy pushes some boards and is able to go inside. He looks around, Girl “I’m not gonna hurt you.”
Warlock: Hahahahah what the fuck?
*Tommy picks up knocked over stuff and Tommy offers her grapes*
Warlock: AND THEN HE WADDLED AWAYYYYYYYYYYY
*Tommy feeds her grapes*
Warlock: If he was 5 years older, this would be somewhat romantic.
*Tommy puts her tape back on and says he’ll be back that night with more stuff. He tells her not to be afraid*
Warlock: What would make this doubly sick is if he was in on it.
*Tommy has more night terrors and so does Girl*
Warlock: Are they ever going to explain this stigmata?
*Tommy sneaks out of the house while Mother and Father are asleep*
Warlock: You know, if she’s shitting and pissing in the bucket next to her, how is he not grossed out?
*Girl asks about Davis, Tommy says he’s asleep. He brought her fruit punch and says it stinks in here. He notices the bucket and asks if she uses that*
Warlock: Ok, at least we got THAT explained.
*Girl says there have been other victims and Tommy asks what happened to them.”
Warlock: The fuck would she know? You’re the one who lives there kid!
*Girl says its too late for her and Tommy tries to get her out of there. Girl tells him to scram before Davis gets there. He puts her tape back on and hightails it out of there. He goes back to bed as Mother wanders in and says she found his toy. She grills him about being up and then she finds his backpack right next to him*
Warlock: You could have at least put it on a doorknob.
*She finds her tuna casserole inside and changes from angry to happy.”If you wanted extra you could have just told me!” Tommy “You won’t tell dad?”Mother “No, it’ll be our little secret.” Mother leaves as Girl passes out. Tommy falls asleep on a chest near the window as Mother wants some lovey dovey, Davis says “Not tonight!”
Warlock: Wowwwwwwww, you’re married to Tia Carrere and you don’t want to hit that? I know you got a hot blonde in a shed but jesus dude.
*More night terrors of previous victims (Raven Carrell, Grace Powell, Crystal Caitlin, Nichola Flynn) before we cut to next day. Mother asks where Tommy is going because breakfast is ready. Tommy says its Saturday and he’s not that hungry*
Warlock: This kid can’t take a piss without one or both of his parents up his ass. Like I said earlier, take away the girl in the shed element and he’s gonna take a shotgun to these two by the time he’s 16.
*Tommy wants his breakfast to go. Tommy has to drink green energy first. He nearly gags and asks for his dad. Mother says he’s in the shed tinkering around. She pouts that she doesn’t like the green juice and he finishes it. She says he’s a good boy*
Warlock: Oh my god…
*Davis starts massaging Girl’s thigh and starts hitting on her. She wants to go and Davis starts screaming at her. Tommy calls for him outside and he says he’ll be right there. He tells Girl to shut the fuck up. Next frame Tommy walks into Davis. “I told you to stay the hell away from the shed.” Tommy stammers*
Warlock: All you had to say was “I wasn’t in the shed I was outside”
*Tommy hands Davis a phone and says its work. Davis “Its Saturday for christ’s sake. You owe me Joe!” He tells Tommy to run back to the house and Mother brings him inside once he makes it to the porch. Back in the shed, Davis offers her an apple and she says no. Davis “Alright, that’s what I get for being nice.”
Warlock: Tommy needs to start lifting some weights.
*Bunny (Dana Daurey) is the host of the HSN. Mother watches intently as an “I love you” button is for sale and she says “I love chocolate cookies too” and starts sobbing*
Warlock: She is TAPPED.
*Mother turns off the TV*
Warlock: ITS A MIRACLE!!!!!
*Davis drives to work as Mother buys the Love Button*
Warlock: Good grief.
*Tommy checks on Girl and asks what Davis did to her. Girl says she’s fine now. She refuses the food and claims her stomach hurts. Tommy says he’ll go get orange juice and she says she wants him to stay. She doesn’t know how much time she has left. Tommy “There’s got to be a way!”
Warlock: You know what would be nice? CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. Make us care about the girl. Have her tell a story about herself, her background, SOMETHING. That’s not an acting or directing problem, that’s the writer’s fault.
*Tommy says they should cut through the chains*
Warlock: Do you see any boltcutters?
*Tommy says “Oh my god how could I be so stupid?” Girl “You’ll never be like him. Tommy “I don’t know anything about you.” Girl “Neither do I. I’m trying to remember”
Warlock: Holy fucking christ….doesn’t this girl have a family? She has a cell phone, couldn’t they just track it? Wouldn’t there be missing posters around? Didn’t someone see Davis haul her off in broad daylight? Ugh….
*Girl wants to know what Tommy’s favorite food and subject in school. Its history. He says he likes history because anything is better than the present and future*
Warlock: Finally, some development.
*Girl “Anything is possible.” Tommy says she doesn’t even know her own name*
Warlock: Stop trying to be heel.
*Girl makes Tommy promise to go….anywhere but there. Tommy “You tricked me.” Girl “I’ll be at peace as long as I know you’re okay.” Tommy scoffs and nods off next to her*
Warlock: Uh…kid….you may want to get out of there.
*Tommy has visions of some lady (Hallie Jordan) speaking backwards*
Warlock: Ok we get it….
*Girl wakes up and tells Tommy she wishes they can get away from there. Tommy wakes up. “I won’t let him hurt you.” Suddenly Davis walks in “WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN ON????”
Warlock: The shit hit the fan 25 minutes early.
*Tommy runs for it. Davis “YEAH YOU LITTLE FUCKER! Tommy makes it outside but Davis tackles him”YOU LITTLE BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU DISOBEY ME!” Tommy “Sorry.” Davis “SORRY DOESN’T CUT IT!” Davis goes to hit Tommy when Girl screams and a CGI shockwave stops his hand as Tommy gets away*
Warlock: So now she has supersonic powers…..out of nowhere….
*Davis runs into the shed and then boards Tommy’s window shut while taunting him about disobeying him*
Warlock: How are they going to end it? We got a kidnapping going on, how does Mother not know about all this going on?
*Girl has a vision of some lady saying they’re aliens that have seen galaxies created and destroyed*
Warlock: ARE THE FUCKING WRITERS ON DRUGS????? So let me get this straight…..Davis unknowingly kidnapped an alien from another planet? Hahahaha what the fuck is this? As bad and as completely out of nowhere, at least this DOES explain why she can’t remember her name.
*Girl snaps out of her vision with Davis screaming “YOU FUCKING WHORE! YOU LIED TO ME! I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU! WE’RE JUST GOING FOR A LITTLE RIDE…BITCH” Davis cuts her loose and duct tapes her hands together*
Warlock: Now would be a good time for Tommy to do something.
*Tommy runs to Mother and says Davis is not okay*
Warlock: I have a feeling where this is going.
*Davis carries Girl out as Mother calls Tommy a liar. Tommy then says “How about his secret little box.” and he goes to get the box of pictures*
Warlock: Wait, how would he know about that????
*Mother pulls Tommy down and she sobs hysterically. She runs and hugs him and says she’ll make it right. Mother says they’ll figure it out. They run outside as Davis puts the picture box in the trunk next to Girl*
Warlock: Kid would have been fucked if Mother didn’t believe him, Davis had it all along.
*Mother confronts Davis “Hi honey. Go back inside this doesn’t concern you.” Tommy breaks free and says to search the trunk. Davis intercepts but all of a sudden a mini van pulls up and two FBI agents (Nick W Nicholsen and Lorraine Ziff) jump out and the male says “Where’s the girl?”
Warlock: Oh ho ho ha ha, now what?
*The agents pull their guns and Mother asks what girl? Davis brings out Girl with a knife to her neck and tells them to lower their weapons*
Warlock: Okay, there’s 18 minutes left…this can’t possibly be the final standoff.
*Davis shouts that she’s a bitch and a whore and asks why do they care about her*
Warlock: Well gee, usually kidnapping is FEDERAL OFFENSE you idiot.
*Girl uses her power to make the pictures go fly. Mother jumps in front of Davis and takes a bullet through the heart*
Warlock: Could have done without the techno soundtrack but….nice shooting stranger.
*Tommy comes to Mother’s aid and then rips the tape off Girl’s hands. She grabs his wrists and shouts “Stop!” literally freezing time. She shouts “Go back” and we rewind all the way back to where Davis was loading Girl in the trunk with the picture box. Only instead of Tommy waking Mother, he goes to rescue her alone*
Warlock: Oh great, now we’re gonna do the Clue ending. “But here’s what REALLY happened!”
*Tommy rips the tape off and says “I don’t know how you did it, but thank you.” Davis then loads Tommy in the trunk too and drives off. Mother then walks outside with the FBI agents pulling up.
Warlock: So now not only is the girl not rescued, Tommy’s fucked too.
*Davis pops the trunk and sneers. “Its time to have some fun. Aww isn’t that sweet. You can have your shot with her when I’m done with her.”
Warlock: That was a possible ending I was thinking of, but Tommy’s too young to have hit puberty.
*Tommy grabs Davis arm and says “No dad, YOU are done.” Girl shouts “Stop” and we cut to Girl looking menacing before shouting “GO!” Davis wakes up in the hole he had previously dug. Tommy “I’m sorry.” Davis “I’m still your dad. I love you!” Tommy “I love you too dad.” Davis “GET ME OUT OF HERE YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!” Tommy “Or what?” Girl says this is for all the other girls that never had a chance. Tommy and Girl bury Davis alive and Tommy drops the keys to the shed on the dirt. Mother then walks up and Tommy asks what she saw. She says everything and hugs Tommy*
Warlock: There’s 10 minutes left, this can’t be the ending either.
*Mother hands the dinosaur toy to Tommy and apologizes for being so blind. She asks for forgiveness and Tommy says yes. The FBI int he nearby minivan exit and says “Its time. Come with us.” Tommy asks what’s going on, Girl says its okay. Girl says they’re taking her to her REAL home.”In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not from here.”
Warlock: Great, so we’re ripping off ET now too?
*Tommy “Will I ever see you again?” Girl”I hope so.”Tommy “Remember me” and he hands her the dinosaur toy. She kisses his cheek and goes with the feds*
Warlock: He’s gonna jerk off to her every day for the rest of his life when he gets old enough.
*Tommy “What now mom?” Mother “We go home.” We get a sappy song and an overhead shot*
Warlock: The hell? There’s still 10 minutes left.
*Fade to black, end credits*
Warlock: Something’s wrong, there’s still 10 minutes left in the run time.
*At the end of the movie we get the outakes. At one point Michael Biehn hams it up, Tristian makes funny faces, Jennifer fails to say action several times and Michael scolds her*
Warlock: Oh jesus christ. So the movie was really only 70 minutes long with 10 minutes of credits and outtakes….wow.
The Warlock’s Assessment: 4.5 out of 10 – Insane
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: This was one of the most batshit insane movies I have EVER seen. Not one of the worst, BATSHIT…INSANE. The writing was totally fucked up but that’s what gave it its charm. I can’t fault the acting because everyone turned in a fantastic performance with what they had to work with. Michael Biehn as the serial killer was surreal as I grew up watching him shoot the bad guys in various movies. Its a testament to good acting which is how he cal flip the switch from hero to heel. I gave this a 4.5 because the writing was so bizarre and off the wall but it wasn’t total garbage. I had fun with it and if you want to fly by the seat of your pants, I recommend this totally. That about wraps up another insane adventure, have a totally fucked evening.