*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, SORROW CREEK: CITY LIMITS t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce bottle of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock makes lightning strike before walking inside*
Warlock: Last July I watched Dead Alive with Mr. America, one of Peter Jackson’s most famous movies. Tonight Thug D and I catch one of his very first flicks.
*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with band patches on it, a Judas Priest t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*
D: I’ve seen most of his work, don’t think I’ve seen this one.
Warlock: The movie was called Bad Taste and it came out in 1987. It was filmed on weekends and took 3 years to make because Jackson had almost no budget.
D: Did not know that, wonder if its good with no budget.
Warlock: Well that’s what we’re about to find out.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So without any further delay its time for Bad Taste.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “The population of a small town disappears and is replaced by aliens that chase human flesh for their intergalactic fast food chain”
D: Hahaha well, sounds better than Scary Movie part 55
*Movie opens with guy calling 9-11 as a mechanical finger listens*
D: Dr Claw here.
*Guy lights up with a burnt hand*
Warlock: Smokin a blunt.
*Guy walks after another guy with an axe*
Warlock: Hahahaha this is the worst chase scene ever.
*Guy shoots other guy twice in the head, blowing it half off*
D: Guy’s got a splitting headache.
Warlock: Oh beautiful.
*Derek (Peter Jackson) says he’d hate to be the guy to have the clea the mess up*
*Derek radios the guy with the gun, now named Barry (Pete O’Herne) who tells him they have a specimen to work with*
D: Peter’s got his Harry Potter scarf working.
*Barry says the town is deserted and there’s supposed to be 75 people*
Warlock: That’s not so bad.
*Barry finds blood by a payphone*
Warlock: A planet of Charlie Mansons hahaha.
*Guy pulls up to Kasorock*
Warlock: Nice one.
*Barry says to watch out for The Collector. Suddenly he’s attacked and thrown in a shed. He escape but 100 guys run out after him*
Warlock: There’s your missing townspeople.
*Derek radios Ozzy (Terry Porter) and Frank (Mike Minett) who listens to Rock Lies by Madlight*
Warlock: Good song.
*Frank and Ozzy says they’ll be there in 45 minutes. Frank says not to touch the aliens, Derek says Barry blew his head off. They’re all members of B.R.E.A.D*
Warlock: Hahahaha Bread.
*Derek says he’ll give him a bird’s eye view of an intergalactic wanker*
Warlock: Hahahaha I need to steal that line.
*Derek goes to investigate a fallen alien*
Warlock: Wow, this came out before Harry Potter, they stole it from him.
*Derek taunts the fallen alien Robert (Also Peter Jackson) while Barry hides from the other aliens*
Warlock: I love how they don’t explain how the aliens got there.
*Aliens use one of them as a battering ram to bust open the shed where Barry is*
Warlock: Hahahaha the Shemp Howard treatment.
*Derek jams a spike through the foot of Robert and an alien yell alerts the rest to where Derek is. All the aliens grab large mallets except the battering ram who grabs a tiny hammer*
Warlock: Hahaha tiny hammer.
*Barry drops his radio and has to go back and get it. He radios Derek that the aliens are coming. He says to run for it. Derek “I’m a Derek, Derek’s don’t run!”
Warlock: Derek’s don’t run you know.
D: They don’t?
*Upbeat music plays as the blue shirt aliens make their way to Derek’s location. He pulls out an Uzi*
Warlock: Oh Jesus.
*Derek unloads a whole clip into the tree*
Warlock: What does he think this is, Predator?
*Derek pretends to shoot the alien making “ack ack” noises and the alien sells it like he really was shot*
*Derek shoots and kills the alien with a reloaded uzi, it falls on him and Derek buries the uzi into the chest to shoot two behind it*
Warlock: From Dusk Till Dawn stole that from this.
*Derek shoots the grass*
Warlock: Another earthworm bites the dust.
*A fourth alien sneaks up on Derek who falls over a fence*
D: Dude just fuckin run for gods sakes.
*Two aliens attack Derek who manages to run to the edge of a cliff*
D: If you notice how dangerous the area is they’re running around in?
*Alien swings and misses with the sledgehammer*
Warlock: Swing and a miss, struck em out!
*Derek uses his head to load a clip and shoot one alien who digs the sledgehammer into the other’s head. The first one’s arm falls off, the other just collapses*
Warlock: This really was filmed on a shoestring budget but so far its making me laugh my ass off.
*Robert attacks Derek and kicks him down the cliff, falling to his death*
D: So much for him.
*Robert attacks Barry next but Barry runs off. Meanwhile The Collector shows up listening to Chopsticks*
Warlock: 8th grade music class.
*The Collector carries his B.R.E.A.D. back as Frank and Ozzy set up a road block. Barry then radios the duo. Derek wiped out 5 aliens but he’s dead. Barry says he’s going to chase Robert*
Warlock: Half hour into it and Derek’s dead, now what?
*Collector fumbles around town looking for someone to answer doors. He walks into Robert who’s eating the brain of one of the aliens with a spoon. He chases Collector away*
Warlock: Decent song.
D: Yeah it is.
*Collector gives Robert the finger*
‘D: Does everybody trip in this?
*Collector fumbles for the keys and can’t get the car started as Robert approaches. So he rolls up the window instead. Robert drops a knife in Collector’s lap. He finally gets the car started and drives off with Robert still caught in the door. Robert breaks free but Collector drives off*
Warlock: No explanation of who that guy is?
*Barry spots a mansion in trees and sees Collector running for it. Collector knocks on the door as Robert bashes the car Collector was in. Collector wakes up with an apple in his mouth scotched taped on while in a cooking pot*
Warlock: Its not even duct tape, that’s scotch tape!
*Lord Crumb (Doug Wren) makes his appearance. He taunts Collector and says he’s tomorrow’s lunch. Meanwhile Derek wakes up*
Warlock: He’s alive.
D: Oh that’s bullshit.
*Derek spots some of his brain splattered on the rock so he picks it up and puts it back in his head*
D: Yeah you may want to get that looked at.
Warlock: That’s hilarious.
*Frank, Ozzy and Barry spy on the mansion and plan what they’re gonna do*
Warlock: There’s 80 thousand of them and 3 of us, I think we can take them.
*Ozzy, Frank and Barry get packed for battle with sentry guns. Frank says to shoot the bastards*
Warlock: I second on that.
*Lord Crumb says they are meeting in human form so they don’t take any chances. Tomorrow they return home. Meanwhile masked Frank, Ozzy and Barry get ready to storm the mansion*
Warlock: Oh isn’t this exciting?
*Lord Crumb says 6 of their brothers were murdered by some real arseholes*
*Lord Crumb gives away that all the humans in town are stuffed in cardboard boxes. An alien walks in and Ozzy pulls his head off before kicking it out the window. Barry mops the blood on the floor*
Warlock: THE KICK IS UP AND ITS GOOOOOOOD!!!
*Frank disguises himself as the guard they just killed to infiltrate. Crumb is in charge of Crumb’s Country Delights*
Warlock: That would make a good band name.
*Crumb says the master plan is to sell human flesh to the intergalactic market and initiate a mass slaughter. Meanwhile Robert pukes green slime into a punch bowl held by Frank. Crumb drinks it*
Warlock: Mind if I eat?
*Everyone drinks from the bowl except Frank*
D:Let me have some of that Nickelodeon slime.
*Crumb continues to shill Sapien Burers as the bowl is given to Frank. He drinks from it*
Warlock: *Gags for real*
D: Jeez, no eating for you.
*Frank reports back to Barry and Ozzy, Ozzy knowing exactly what happened*
D: Couldn’t have been that bad if you had a second helping.
*The boys free The Collector and begin infiltrating the house*
Warlock: They’re infiltrating.
*The Collector is now known as Giles (Craig Smith). They spot two aliens playing patticake*
Warlock: Roger Rabbit would approve.
*The boys start shooting the place up. Giles asks if that’s all of them. Ozzy says there’s heaps more*
Warlock: Heaps is an Australian word.
*Derek comes to after getting shit on by a seagull. He gets in his car with Beatles cutouts in the front*
D: Heh, the Beatles.
*Barry, Frank and Ozzy shoot up the perimeter and all the guards outside. Lord Crumb grabs a gun*
Warlock: Half hour left, this can’t be the end.
*Frank is nearly wiped out by an unknown shooter. He blindly shoots into a tree and hides as 12 bodies fall out of the tree*
D: Pretty useless henchmen, all these guys.
*The Cook attacks Ozzy and Giles. He punches out Giles and a one on fight occurs. Ozzy gets the upperhand but a second alien grabs him from behind. Lord Crumb puts a gun to Giles’ head. Ozzy flips up and Cook kills the Alien with a swipe. He then back drops Cook off the balcony to the ground below. He looks up and Giles is gone*
Warlock: Hostage taken…AGAIN!
*Derek pulls up to the mansion and hears the shooting going on. He’s accidentally shot and dropped by Frank. Giles is about to be executed but Ozzy saves him by shooting the executioner. Ozzy is then saved by Frank, killing another alien. Derek wraps his belt around his head to keep his brains from falling out. Frank, Ozzy and Giles regroup*
Warlock: Where’s Barry?
*Derek runs over a guard*
Warlock: I say the cardboard cutout of Paul McCartney won best supporting actor.
*Derek goes apeshit with a chainsaw as Lord Crumb runs across the grass. Frank asks where Barry went*
Warlock: Ok, at least we know he’s still around.
*Frank and Ozzy shoot at Crumb but miss. Frank is shot at by 7 guys, Frank with a pistol shoots all of them dead*
D: These are the worst henchmen I’ve ever seen.
Warlock: Putty Patrol gets more shit done.
*Robert attacks but Barry saves the day by killing him with a machete. Lord Crumb is tagged and he goes down. Giles, Frank, Barry and Ozzy run away. Crumb mutates into his real form and 3 other aliens do as well. He tells the three to chase after the humans while he and whoever’s left will load their brothers into the ship*
Warlock: Time for the big finale.
*Barry says Derek was right all along about them being aliens*
Warlock: Ya think?
*Frank caps one of the aliens. The car Frank was in is hit by gunfire and the exhaust goes. They have to get out and run as two remaining aliens chase them. Ozzy takes his gear off and pulls a gun. He says to go on ahead, he’ll stay behind to take out the aliens. He runs to the car and pulls out the large wooden box that was in the trunk*
Warlock: Let me guess, a bazooka?
*The two aliens check the car as Ozzy shoots the lock off the box. He pulls out a rocket launcher*
Warlock: What did I say?
*The aliens turn on the radio and Ozzy blows them and the car away with the launcher. Frank :”That was my car!!”
Warlock: Hahaha whoops.
*Ozzy runs off after loading another rocket. Crumb and two more aliens look at the wreckage from afar and assume that was the humans. Ozzy fires the second rocket into the mansion, knocking half of it down*
D: For a low budget, that’s a lot of damage.
*Crumb and the two aliens are unharmed by the rocket blast. Crumb “Wankers”
*Frank unmasks and storms the ruins of the mansion. Ozzy grabs a wooden board and follows him. They attack the two aliens as Derek storms the ruins with a chainsaw*
Warlock: Here he comes to wreck the dayyyyyyy.
*Derek cuts his way in*
D: Cause, ya know, there’s a front door but who needs that?
*Frank kills one alien and Derek hacks up the other one. Lord Crumb hides*
D: How the fuck did they take over the town if they’re this incompetent?
*One alien remains and we get a one on one fight tease*
*Frank kills the alien but a second alien has the two dead to rights. Derek cuts through the wall and kills it, screaming “bastards!” Ozzy “Derek’s gone apeshit!”
Warlock: That’s my line.
*Lord Crumb shoots Ozzy in the leg as Frank runs off. Frank shoots the rocket but it misses Crumb completely and blows up a nearby sheep*
*Crumb kicks Derek in the nuts and activates his spaceship*
Warlock: Last one alive.
*The mansion itself is the space ship. Frank pulls Ozzy to safety in a fireman’s carry as the ship leaves*
Warlock: He’s gonna get away with it?
*Derek is still in the house/ship and he grabs his chainsaw. The ship leaves the atmosphere. Frank “Bastards”
Warlock: How are they gonna end this?
*Crumb uses a rotary phone to call for help as Derek notices the ship leaving orbit. Crumb says they lost all his workers but he’s got the samples. He hears a noise and goes to investigate. Derek cuts a hole in the ceiling and says “Suck my spinning steel shit head!” He then cuts through Crumb and dives through his body*
Warlock: That is gross yet so hilarious.
*Derek “I’m born again”
*Derek on the phone “I’m comin to get you bastards!!!” He puts on Crumb’s skin as a disguise as the Beatles van picks up Barry and Giles with the end credits going. Bad Taste by The Remnants plays*
Warlock: Pretty good for its kind.
Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 6.5. It was a fun movie and it was better in the last 20 minutes. Some of it felt like it was dragging on but it wasn’t horrible, wasn’t great. It was decent.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6. For a low budget flick shot on weekends, it was pretty damn good. Obviously some major plotholes and some drag time but still a fun movie. It made me laugh a lot and that’s always a good thing.
Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: For a directorial debut that was pretty impressive. Somebody must have saw Jackson’s talent if he could pull that off with a low budget, which is why he’s now a famous director. All in all if you can look past the fact it was shot on a shoestring budget with New Zealand humor, you’ll have a blast watching this. That about wraps up another craptastic adventure…..next up is episode 200. You won’t want to miss it.