200. FDR American Badass (2012)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black, Men’s Warehouse suit along with white undershirt, black tie, black dress shoes and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates and shoots fire in the sky before dimming the lights on the street, then walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight is a very special night here at the Realm. Tonight is our special TWO HUNDRETH EPISODE party!

*Mr. America is on the left side of the couch wearing a tan, Joseph A Bank suit with brown clogs, tie and aviator shades*

America: I can’t believe we’ve lasted this long without killing you.

Warlock: Episode 50 was Rabid Grannies, episode 150 was Pokemon and we all know episode 100 was Neyzor Blades’ favorite, Let My Puppets Come.

*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner wearing a black dress and dres shoes*

Neyz: Don’t even fucking remind me. That was the worst shit I’ve ever seen.

Warlock: Oh but I found a way to top it. I scoured the globe to find something that could be on the same level of Let My Puppets Come, not so much the porno but the insanity of it. I have found a worthy successor.

America: And what is that?

Warlock: FDR: American Badass!

Neyz and America: What???

Warlock: Yes, that’s right. Just like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, we get FDR: American Badass.

America: Oh god dammit.

*Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get our 200th episode started. Its time for FDR: American Badass.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “An outrageous,  untold true story of our country’s greatest monster-hunting president.”

America: You mean Van Helsing has competition?

Neyz: This is retarded.

 

*Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Barry Bostwick) gives a speech that he’s a badass and asks if his fellow Americans are too*

Warlock: Hahaha

Neyz: You think the real Roosevelt would be rolling in his grave right now?

 

*Frankie D and 3 hunters tell stories about Teddy. Then they spot a wereworlf and tells everyone to run*

Neyz: What IS that?

 

*Louis (Bruce McGill) and Frankie look on in horror as Senator Bronson (Richard Riehle) is killed by the werwolf*

Warlock: He didn’t jump to conclusions enough.

 

*Louis says run and the other hunter is killed. Wolf throws guts at Louis. Frankie says they’re gonna old school and puts up his fists*

Warlock: Hahaha put em up!

America: Wow, he swept the leg.

Neyz: Where do you FIND this shit?

 

*Frankie kills werewolf with silver bullets but is bit in the leg*

Warlock: I think he’s gonna make it.

 

*Elenor (Lin Shaye) cries at his bedside as Frankie wakes up. Louis “How do you feel?” Frankie “Like a bag of dicks at a lesbian convention”*

Warlock: Hahahahahahaha

 

*Louis pulls a gun on the doctor*

Warlock: HE’S GOT A GUN!

 

*The doctor informs Frankie that he has polio and can’t feel his legs anymore*

Warlock: So that’s how he got polio in real life?

America: I’m gonna have to hit you?

 

*Doctor tells him he’ll never walk again. Elenor goes crazy and Frankie tells her to shut the fuck up. Doc says they got him in time before his dick got it too. Frankie thanks Louis for that*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Louis pulls a gun on Doc outside and Doc shows him a dead corpse with a hard on. Louis “What the fuck bro?” Doc “Oh, wrong one”*

Neyz: Who wrote this fuckin thing?

 

*The Doc shows Louis the REAL corpse and he’s a German spy with a swastika tattoo. Louis tells him not to tell anyone and threatens him. He says he had a bad day*

America: He had a bad day?

 

*Frankie looks at the wheelchair and says he doesn’t know if he can live in that thing. Frankie then gets an idea to run for president when a crowd chants outside and throws a bra at Elanor*

Warlock: Hahahaha

Neyz: No, I don’t believe it.

 

*Nurse walks in and says a 10 year old boy named Timmy (David Chandler) wants to see him, he has polio too. Timmy stutters and FDR “Oh Jesus, am I gonna stutter too?”

Warlock and America: Hahahaha

 

*Timmy pushes the chair over to FDR who gets in it. He thanks Timmy and Timmy says he should run for president as he’s the only one who can save the country*

Warlock: Right in the middle of the Depression.

 

*Frankie is interviewed outside and he makes fun of Abraham Lincoln (Kevin Sorbo). He then says “Marco…..Polio!”

America: Wowwwwww

Neyz: Come onnnnnn

 

*The reporter (Eric Bruskotter) asks what its like to be invalid. FDR says conservatives have been invalid for years. He goes on a speech saying he’ll take on the country’s problems like he did the werewolf. He runs for president*

Warlock: I’d vote for him.

 

*Frank smacks Elanor’s ass and Louis says she needs to sit on his lap because there’s a dead werewolf in the trunk*

America: I love the Adam West style scene cut.

 

*Louis tells Eleanor to get her shit together*

Neyz: Hahahah

 

*Louis says there are more werewolves out there*

America: Of course there are. There would be no movie if he shot the only one.

 

*Louis asks Frankie about the werewolf and Frankie says to put it in the kids room*

America and Neyz: Hahahaha

 

*Louis says there hasn’t been an attack since Lincoln. Then he has to keep a lid on the German werewolves because Hoover would use it in his run against him*

Warlock: Yeah Hoover had no chance in hell.

 

*Black and white montage of Frankie*

Neyz: You gonna vote?

America: Hell yeah.

 

*Frankie goes on campaign trail*

Neyz: Was it the Pan-American?

 

*Frankie sings Bon Jovi to the coal miners*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Cleavon Buford (Ross Patterson) and his wife Marietta (Keri Lynn Pratt) introduce themselves. Marietta says she’ll go down on Frankie and Louis. Louis “Excuse me?”

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

 

*Cleavon invites them in for moonshine and Frankie says “Sold!”

Warlock: Hahahha even better.

 

*Cleavon says the town is called Warm Springs because “injun” girls get their first period and go into the water to wash themselves*

Warlock: Grosss.

 

*Louis doesn’t like the black man with a chalkboard, calls Cleavon racist and the black man Curtis (Ahmed Best) insults him up and down*

America: Wow.

 

*Frankie and Cleavon hit up the springs. Cleavon said he took his nephew Jimmy Carter on a camping trip and got bit by a werewolf*

Neyz: This guy reminds me of Lady T only male.

 

*Cleavon introduces Peaches (Vanessa Vander Pluym) and yuks it up with Cleavon, Marietta and Louis. Next frame Frankie offers him a vice president….of hot tubs job*

Warlock: I want the minister of defense job.

 

*Cleavon makes an epic speech about Frosty and Louis looks bewildered*

America: This guy’s nuts.

 

*Cleavon says the state of Georgia is full of re-pubes*

Warlock: Im stealing that line.

 

*Curtis plays street ball after Frankie leaves*

Warlock: The inspiration for the Globetrotters.

 

*James (Cody McMains) says Frankie has won the presidency. The radio says the entire country except for Maine voted for Frankie*

Warlock: Mainers, gotta love em.

 

*Eleanor, James,Frankie and Louis go crazy in celebration. Dan Rutherford (Rob Lathan) walks in and says Woodrow Wilson went nuts too but James taking a dump in a vase isn’t good*

Warlock: That’s gross.

Neyz: I’m gonna puke.

 

*Actual footage of Roosevelt’s parade*

Warlock: Heh, the actual footage used.

 

*Adolph Hitler (Jesse Merlin) in full werewolf form says turn that scheizer off*

Neyz: That means shit.

Warlock: Nooooooo.

 

*Hitler calls Mussolini (Paul Ben-Victor) who’s a werewolf too. Mussolini says the last thing they needed was a swinging dick in the White House*

Neyz: Hahahhaa

 

*Mussolini calls Hirohito (Jamison Yang) who also is in full werewolf mode. Mussolini says he’s gonna infect the entire US through alcohol*

Warlock: Damn, that would have worked.

 

*Hirohito gets mad at Mussolini and Hitler for laughing at sake*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*George Freeman (Deon Richmond) is the butler Missy (Robin Sydney) is the secretary. FDR tells George to rig the “bitch” up so he can speak to the nation*

Warlock: This movie is fucked.

 

*George spins a record for Frankie as he makes his State of the Union Address*

Warlock: Spin it!

 

*Frankie “Hoover was great, they’ll probably name a Dam or a vaccum cleaner after him”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Frankie says he’s ending prohibition. “This is ‘The Delano’ signing off. Louis “Jesus Frank, what was that?”

Warlock: Hahaha.

 

*Missy loved her speech but the FBI needs to speak to him. Albert Einstein (Ed Metzger) and Douglas MacArthur (Ray Wise). MacArthur says he can’t end prohibition because the booze is poisoned*

Warlock: MacArthur is on the case.

 

*MacArthur gives away Hitler’s plot, Frankie says he’ll take care of it himself and pulls out a gun. Einstein has invented the Delano 2000. Louis “Oh shit!” Its got machine gun and rocket launchers. Louis “Regulators, mount up!”

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Mobsters make fun of Frankie D.  He takes them out with his machine gun wheelchair*

Neyz: That’s so cool though.

 

*Frankie says to the survivor to go tell his boss that if he sees another werewolf he’s gonna blow them all away himself*

Warlock: Heh.

America: Love how the rocket launches blew up the whole restaurant.

 

*Montage features topless woman*

Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time

 

*Mussolini calls Hitler and says FDR iced everybody. Hitler is playing beer pong with a big tittie girl (Nea Iacofano)*

Warlock: I’d be deadly at that.

 

*Hirohito is called and Mussolini says their plan didn’t work. Hirohito gets a package from Frankie with a letter that says “Don’t ever send this pussy shit over here again XO FDR”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

Neyz: That looks like my handwriting.

 

*Hirohito “SON OF BEACH!” Hirohito wants to go to war. Hitler agrees and he’ll start with Austria. Hirohito says he’ll take China. Mussolini says Ethiopia and Hitler says “Fuckin pussy”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Cleavon and Marietta walks in and MacArthur denies that they met until Winston Churchill (Paul Wilson)

Warlock: Its one of the Bob’s from Office Space.

 

*Churchill “This drink is as stiff as a dead man’s cock!”

Warlock: Did Churchill really say that?

America: NOOOOO!!!!

 

*Churchill calls the Irish “potato fuckers”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Frankie says he can’t go to war without a cause but will lend Churchill weapons. Cleavon will lease Churchill the wife*

Warlock: To the hot tub!

 

*Graphic of Poland being invaded. Werewolves advancing toward England in 1939. Next frame is Missy reading Churchill that he needs weapons and Marietta*

Warlock: I’ll take the girl.

 

*Frankie says he’s been trying to stay out of the damn war. Missy massages his legs and he moans*

Warlock: What do you think Neyz?

Neyz: Stop asking me questions!

 

*Frankie cums just from having his legs massaged*

Warlock: America’s getting off on this.

America: HARDLY! What the hell?

 

*Eleanor walks in to Missy licking ketchup and mustard off his legs. Eleanor says she’s gonna strong arm a ho, then backhands Missy*

Neyz: Yessss!!!

 

*Missy runs away*

Neyz: Awww poor Hillary Clinton.

America: What???

 

*Eleanor “If anyone asks you what happened, just say a rainbow took a shit on your legs*

Warlock: Strong arm a ho.

America: I don’t ever remember news reports of Hillary slapping Monica Lewinsky.

 

*Eleanor gags while trying to save legs*

Neyz: Hahahaha

Warlock: Dammit Janet!

 

*Frankie D “I must be the only president in US history that hasn’t gotten laid in the office and this is my third term!” He then says he has to go tend to an entire nation*
Warlock: Yeah!

Neyz: Don’t push it.

 

*Frankie “Who the fuck is this?” MacArthur introduces Dwight D Eisenhower (Robert Catrini) who Frankie attacks*

Neyz: What was that about?

 

*MacArthur says they need to go to war and Churchill is next. Frankie says he needs to think about it. Louis, Dwight and Doug form a battle plan with Frankie’s go-ahead*

Warlock: I want his hat.

 

*George walks in and tells him to smoke George Washington’s weed. He fires up a blunt and trips that he’s seeing Lincoln. Lincoln hits the weed with Frankie*

Neyz: WHAT am I watching?

 

*Lincoln takes a hit and tells Frankie to come with him. They lay on the roof of the white house and hit the weed. Lincoln says “Mary Todd had to go to that FUCKIN play?”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Frankie “Shit pickle”

Warlock: Shitpickleshitpicklepicklepickle shiitttttpickle

 

*Lincoln says he saw him with the secretary and laughs with him. Frankie asks how Lincoln dealt with werewolves. Abraham says they’re telepathic. Lincoln says they attacked Washington. Frankie “They attacked G Thang too?” Frankie asks why they didn’t attack Woodrow Wilson and Lincoln says “That was a bitch war, we really didn’t need to be in that.”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Lincoln says do what’s right in his heart. Lincoln “I can FUCKING fly!”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Hot dog vendor douses himself in condiments*

America: Oh god.

 

*Black man fucks a white girl. Lincoln “Emancipate that ass!”

Warlock: Word.

 

*Uncle Sam the bald eagle will take Frankie home as he comes down from his trip. He says get MacArthur on the horn. We cut to June 5, 1944 as Eisenhower goes over the Normandy plan*

Warlock: Is that really what happened in Normandy?

America: Ughhhh. That’s a German Fokker DR1…not an American plane.

Neyz: When was Normandy.

Warlock and America: June 6th, 1944!!!!

Neyz: Geez sorry.

 

*Frankie gives a speech to the troops*

America: That’s a C46 Commando.

Warlock: Accurate for the time?

America: Not exactly. That model came out AFTER Normandy.

 

*Plane is shown*

America: Bring it on, right here! See? You made me miss it. That nose cone is a British Super Marine Spitfire*

Warlock: How do you know?

America: …..one the prop, two the eliptical and three the engine.

Warlock: Okay.

Neyz: I know kayaks.

America: I never said ANYTHING about kayaks.

 

*Wing says R-31*

Warlock: Its a T-34

Neyz: Its a T-1000

America: Nooooo!

 

*Frankie says he’s going to lead the attack himself. The troops all salute*

Warlock: I’m convinced.

 

*Frankie says to kick some werwolf ass tomorrow*

America: The Germans tried to invent their own Spitfire jet

Warlock: Yeah, and they ended up building a TV instead.

America: You have NO IDEA what you’re talking about.

 

*Louis wants to go with Frankie, Frankie says no. He says if anything happens to him, take care of Missy. Louis “Word!” Frankie “Wordddddd!!!!”

Neyz:That’s my favorite line in the whole movie.

 

*Frankie loads himself and the Delano 2000 onto a fighter jet*

Warlock: Ready to kick some ass?

America: Sure.

 

*Churchill says Frankie is ready for takeoff. Churchill “If I wasn’t drunk and blind, I’d be up there with you.”

America: A Navion, and on the left is a T-6 Texan

Warlock: That’s an S-5 Houston.

America: Throw something at him will you?

*Neyz hits Warlock with paper towels*

Warlock: Hey!

 

*George puts the radio on for Eleanor. Frankie makes inappropriate jokes*

Warlock: This is hilarious.

 

*George “Sorry, I’ll go back to standing in the corner and being black.”

Warlock: Haha great line.

 

*Mussolini and Hitler try to shoot down Frankie*

Warlock: I don’t remember Hitler and Mussolini being on the same battlefield, do you?

America: HELL FUCKING NO!

 

*Frankie shoots and kills Mussolini. Hitler shoots down Frankie. Frankie says he’s gotta bail out and the radio goes dead. Eleanor is distraught*

Neyz: Awwww.

 

*Eleanor tries to maintain composure while requesting the bottle that Mr.Daniels sent over*

Warlock: Good ol Jack.

 

*Eleanor downs the whole bottle*

Warlock: Hahaha Lin Shaye is awesome.

 

*Missy cries too*

Warlock: There has to be a Monica Lewinsky joke in here somewhere.

 

*Cleavon pops out of a box and says he’s there to help*

Neyz: They’d be flying all over the place.

 

*Cleavon opens the hatch and they both jump out. Cleavon has no parachute. Frankie says he’s a hero and people will know that. Cleavon says take care of his wife for him and Frankie says “No doubt.”

Warlock: He died serving his country.

 

*Frankie “You got The Delano motherfuckerrrrr” Next frame is the radio saying Frankie may be killed. Eleanor “Turned that god damned thing off* Frankie then rolls in “Mussolini and Hitler, I capped those bitches!”

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Eleanor goes to punch Frank and he holds her close. Frankie “Nobody gonna take down the Delano.”

Neyz: That’s me.

 

*Frankie gets on the radio. “My fellow Americans, this is your president Franklin Delano Roosevelt.”Louis “FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT MOTHERFUCKER!” End credits*

Warlock: Perfect.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3.5. Far reaching mindless entertainment.

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I hate when you make me do the numbers. It was pretty stupid but it wasn’t THE stupidest. So…6.

The Warlock’s Assessment: That was one of the stupidest movies I’ve ever seen but one of the most hilarious. I laughed my god-damned ass off. I give at 7 for pure stupidity alone

Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was a fun, patriotic movie. Frankie D was a legit badass, I’m a believer now.

America: What??? This movie was about as accurate as your shooting in Ace Combat 4! It was more inaccurate than Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

Neyz: Yeah really, the fuck was this shit?

Warlock: Word….

Neyz: Word……

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

 

 

 

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