187. A Christmas Story 2 (2012)

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*When we last left off, The Warlock wished he had never been born after he was feeling alone on Christmas for the second straight year. Suddenly Thug D appeared dressed as an angel and we pick up*

Warlock: What in the name of Magus are you dressed like that for?

D: What are you asking me for? This is your story you dillweed.

Warlock: Oh yeah….

*Warlock gets in character*

Warlock: So why are you here?

D: You wished you had never been born. I’m here to grant your wish.

Warlock: Wait a second, how do you have that kind of power?

*Warlock stops himself*

Warlock: Why am I asking you?

D: Exactly, shaddup. I’m here to show you what life would be like without you. Its not pleasant, that’s for sure.

Warlock: Weren’t you the one showing me the future last year saying I was destined to be desolate, desperate and alone? How could it be unpleasant without me?

D: Last year I was showing you what would happen if you kept putting your friends through shitty movies. I never said anything about you never being born. That’s an entirely different box of paperwork. You touched the lives of so many people and you don’t even know it. They may not show their appreciation of you the way you want, but that doesn’t mean its not there.

Warlock: Alright, I’m convinced, show me.

*D whirls into a tornado and his attire changes from the angel cloak to his standard attire*

Warlock: What did you do that for?

D: You think I’m gonna walk around in that get-up? Fuck that.

*D then whirls an even bigger tornado that sucks in the screen, we are taken to a lobby of the Happy Meadows For The Criminally Insane asylum. Moans and random screams are heard*

Warlock: What the hell are we doing here? Don’t tell me I’ve driven Mr. America completely crazy.

D: No you dillhole, you weren’t even born remember?

Warlock: Oh yeah.

D: You may not like what you’re about to see.

*D leads Warlock to a particular cell*

Warlock: Why?

*Warlock peaks in and Lady T is sitting in the corner in a straight jacket laughing to herself. Her hair is cut short and her eyes are baggy*

Warlock: What? Why is she here?

D: Just watch.

*T starts singing to herself*

T: Sing and shout, to and fro, that’s what makes the world go around. For every high there is a lowwwww.

*T leans forward and farts*

T: Ooooh I totally farted. That’s gonna make my bum stinkkkkkkkk bwaahahahahahahaahahahaha

*meanwhile Warlock shakes his head*

Warlock: Ok, I’ll bite…the hell is she doing there? She’s married with 3 kids. There’s no possible way my absence causes this.

D: Oh that’s where you’re wrong. You see, when she does the commentaries with you and Neyzor Blades, she gets to let loose and be herself. Taking care of 3 kids all the time means she can’t let loose. Without you around it just built up inside her and one day she snapped. Singing to herself and going completely berserk. She ended up here, her kids rarely see her.

Warlock: That’s bullshit.

D: So now do you see why you are needed?

Warlock: If this is how this is going to go, this is gonna suck.

*D makes another whirlwind and we are now shown what appears to be a house masquerading as a zoo with animals all over. Cats, dogs, birds, rats, snakes, fish bustle around in tanks or open space*

Warlock: Why’d you bring me to the Stone Zoo?

D: I didn’t, check it out.

*Neyzor Blades is sitting on a throne surrounded by dogs and a cockatiel on her shoulder*

Neyz: Kisses for LARRRRRRRRY. Larry the bird….Larrylarrylarry.

*Warlock shakes his head nearby*

Warlock: Don’t tell me she goes insane too.

D: Not at all, that’s just how she talks to her animals. She’s a natural introvert anyway, without you around she spent her life dedicated to chilling with animals*

Warlock: Doesn’t seem like a bad thing.

D: No….but do you see any humans around?

Warlock: No.

D: There ya go.

Warlock: So without me she goes into seclusion talking to animals……now I’m starting to regret my wish.

D: Oh you haven’t seen nothing yet. Check this out.

*D makes another tornado and we’re shown the center of town Warlock, Mr. Wallstreet and Mr. America grew up in. The town hall has been replaced with a giant tower. The nearby buildings are no longer CVS, a diner and an ice cream parlor but a giant Lawfirm, a Stock Exchange and a high scale restaurant. Stock brokers, business suits and various high class people walk around the streets. A large picture of Mr. Wallstreet is in the middle of the tower as someone drives by in a Cadillac with the song I Can’t Drive 55 playing*

Warlock: Careful, you may get run over by one of these weirdos.

D: Don’t worry, we’re not actually here.

Warlock: What the hell happened here anyway. This was always a rich town but since when did Donald Trump take over?

D: Trump??? That fucker got bought out years ago. Nobody has seen him since the takeover.

Warlock: Takeover?

D: Look at that.

*D and Warlock enter the tower, on the wall in the lobby is a framed picture of a Boston Herald front page with the headline WALLSTREET BUYS OUT TRUMP,ATLANTIC CITY CRUMBLES from June 3, 2009*

Warlock: What in the name of fuck?

D: Yeah, Wallstreet took over Trump 7 years ago. Instead of staying in Atlantic City, Wallstreet built his empire in his home town.

*They continue across the lobby. A framed picture of the cover of Forbes from 2005 reads “Mr. Wallstreet, the teenage business phenom.” Nearby a framed cover of Time that says “MR WALLSTREET, FROM RICHES TO SUPER RICHES” from 2008.

Warlock: The guy couldn’t even fight the Demonic Toys, how the hell did he take over the country?

D: Remember all those years hanging out with you and America? Not even counting the Realm but back in high school? Without you around, he started investing in stocks early. Naturally they did well enough for him to become a millionaire at 19. By 21 he was a billionaire and at 23 he ran Donald Trump out of New York and New Jersey. Now he’s bleeding the god damn country dry because Flint, Michigan doesn’t have drinking water and celebrities are dying left and right because he won’t finance cures for diseases.

Warlock: Wait, he’s not an asshole, he wouldn’t do that.

D: Ah, the Wallstreet you know isn’t an asshole. Without you as a friend, there was no one to stop him from becoming a tyrannical business mogul.

Warlock: Ok, I’m convinced, I want to live again…….wait, what about you? Where did you end up without me around?

D: I don’t count.

Warlock: Why not?

D: Someone had to play the role of Clarence right?

Warlock: Good point…..wait a minute, why are you saving Mr. America last? Wouldn’t it make more sense for Neyz to be last?

D: Who says he’s last?

Warlock: Aren’t you going to show me him now?

D: Well that’s kind of impossible.

Warlock: What do you mean?

D: Well….let me take you back to the past.

Warlock: To play the shitty games that suck ass? Wrong show.

*D makes a whirlwind and we’re taken to a dilapidated TV studio*

Warlock: Isn’t this the local public access studio by the high school?

D: Yup.

Warlock: The hell are we doing here?

D: I didn’t want to show you where America is now, so I went back 3 years.

Warlock: Why did you do that?

D: Just watch.

*The director and the producer sit in their chairs with the camera man drinking a soda. The director says “The ratings are completely in the toilet.” The producer says “If this show doesn’t deliver, I’m cancelling it. I’ve had enough of these two boneheads.” Finally the camera man gets in position and the director says….THREE…TWO…ONE…GO.  Circus music that sounds like it was recorded on a scratched record plays, bells and whistles toll as a cheap, paper banner that has THE HAPPY AND CRAPPY SHOW scribbled in crayon falls from the ceiling*

Warlock: The Happy and Crappy Show?

*D doesn’t answer. All of a sudden a man dressed as a clown tries to run out but trips over his large shoes and falls flat on his face. His red nose falls off and he races to put it back on*

Warlock: Wait…I know that guy.

*The clown makes it to his feet and nearly trips over the tricycle nearby. He pulls out a blowhorn but it doesn’t work. He aims it to his face and he blows it, only it knocks him over the tricycle*

Warlock: Oh my god its Harris. The hell is he doing dressed as a clown?

*Harris then gathers himself as the circus music ends*

Harris: Hiya kids….its your old pal Happy! Let’s have a big hand for another wacky show.

*Meager claps from the producer, director and cameraman*

Warlock: Not exactly a rousing ovation.

*Harris marches in a circle*

Harris: Today kids we’re going to learn about fire safety. You know what that means, we need our old trusty pal…..COME ON OUT CRAPPY!!

*Bad circus music plays and the record begins to skip as Crappy The Clown in full costume, hair, makeup and red nose walks out*

Warlock: Oh…my…fucking….God.

*Crappy is actually Mr. America. He looks totally miserable as he shambles out from behind a shower curtain that’s seen better days. He’s carrying a fire extinguisher*

Harris: There ya are Crappy! Quick, pull my finger.

*America looks at him with a sad glare*

America: No.

Harris: You’re no fun….hey, ready to teach the kids some fire safety?

America: What kids? Do you see any kids around?

*Harris chuckles nervously*

Harris: Oh that Crappy, always joking.

*Harris pulls out a zippo lighter*

Harris: Alright kids, Crappy here is going to demonstrate just what to do if your friend is ever on fire. Using a fire extinguisher may save your friends’ lives. Here we go!

*Harris flicks the light and lights his lower pant leg on fire*

Harris: YEEEOOOOUCH….ok Crappy, put me out!

*America just stands there*

Harris: Um…Crappy…put me out!

*America continues to stand there, the fire begins to spread as Harris’ pants completely catch fire*

Harris: HEY..HEY..HEYYYYY…WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? PUT ME OUT! AHHHHHH!

*Harris whole outfit catches on fire and he stops drops and rolls, putting himself out and his clothes are completely tattered*

Harris: WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I TOLD YOU TO…

*The director then says cut as one of the stage lights falls from the ceiling, nearly crushing Harris as he barrel rolls out of the way*

*A stagehand has to restrain Harris from attacking America*

Harris: YOU SONOVABITCH, YOU WERE GONNA LET ME BURN. THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!

*Harris is led away as the director goes with him to call an ambulance. America shambles over to a nearby stool and sits down with his head in his hands. The producer comes over and fires him on the spot*

Warlock: Ok I’ve seen enough. This is absolutely ridiculous. This can’t possibly be happening.

D: Oh but it is. You want to know why I saved this for last, its because its the most tragic story. Wallstreet is an evil businessman, Lady T is a psycho and Neyz is a crazy animal lady…but at least they’re happy, somewhat.

Warlock: Hey wait a second.

*After the producer walks away, America reaches into costume and pulls out a loaded .45 handgun*

Warlock: Woah woah woah….what the fuck?

*America sighs and aims it at his head*

Warlock:No no no no NO NO NO NO NO!

*Warlock runs and dives to stop America but he pulls the trigger and the whole scene disappears when Warlock hits the deck. When he looks up we’re in a cemetary setting with flashing lightning and high wind around*

Warlock: Did I stop it?

D: Look.

*Warlock looks up and sees a tombstone. It reads “OUR LOVING SON, MR. AMERICA. 10/1/85 – 12/25/13*

Warlock: No way…..no way…..

D: Yes way, you wanted to know why I couldn’t show you Mr.America in the present with the others? THIS IS WHY…….

Warlock: No….this isn’t happening.

D: Without you there to save him from Harris, he becomes his lackey. He spends his teen years and his 20’s following him around, getting nowhere and not being allowed to break out of his shell. You remember how reserved he was in school until you brought his personality out, well without you, his personality never comes out. He remains a lackey all these years. Harris never took care of him, never cared about him and used him as fodder bouncing from one local public access show to another. Finally, 3 years ago America couldn’t take it anymore. When Harris came up with the design to be set on fire, America didn’t act because he wanted him to burn. If he didn’t die, he would take his own life. Obviously Harris rolled himself to safety and America took his own life. Gone, to be forgotten as a never was. Never would have happened if you were around. Lady T never goes insane, Neyz never becomes an introverted animal lady, Wallstreet doesn’t take over the country and America is who he is.

Warlock: Alright, I’ve heard enough. I want to live again.Take me back to the present and I’ll never complain again.

D: We are in the present. Enjoy your new life as nothing.

*D vanishes and Warlock stays in the cemetery setting*

Warlock: HEY! COME BACK HERE! DON’T LEAVE ME OUT HERE!

*Warlock sinks to his knees in front of America’s grave and sobs. Finally he holds his hands to the sky and makes a lightning bolt strike the tombstone and he’s flung backward. When he comes to he’s back in his lair*

Warlock: What…peh…puh huh…..how did I get here? I really need to lay off the soda.

*Warlock looks around*

Warlock: Everything seems to be normal.

*Suddenly the door opens and Mr. America walks in, no longer dressed as Santa*

Warlock: YOU’RE ALIVEEEEEE!!!!

*Warlock pounces on the unsuspecting America*

America: HEY HEY WHAT THE FUCK? GET OFF ME DUDE.

*Warlock kisses America on the cheek and America makes a prune sour face*

America: OH MY GOD I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

Warlock: YOU’RE ALIVE! YES!

America: Will you calm the fuck down? The hell is the matter with you?

Warlock: Long story, what are you doing back here?

America: I told you I’d be back after the Christmas Party, right?

Warlock: No….

America: Oh, well here I am. What are we watching now?

Warlock: Well uh….didn’t expect it to be this soon but you know how we did A Christmas Story?

America: Considering it was a few hours ago, yeah.

Warlock: Well in 2012 the major domo’s felt they needed to make a sequel so they shat out A Christmas Story 2!

*Warlock holds up the DVD box*

America: I thought the sequel was A Summer Story?

Warlock: Shaddup, THIS is the sequel.

America: Ok, anything you say.

Warlock: So without further adieu, let’s get started with A Christmas Story 2.

 

“The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Five years later, Ralphie has his eyes fixed on a car. But trouble is sure to follow.”

America: Of course trouble follows, otherwise it wouldn’t be a movie.

Warlock: Wait, 5 years later? Didn’t he say he was 9 in the first one? Wouldn’t he be 14 at this point? The hell does he need a car for then?

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: Talk about cheap opening credits.

 

*Old Ralphie (Nat Mauldin) narrates*

Warlock: Look at that AWFUL CGI. You know, not that the first narrator was Morgan Freeman or anything, but you’d think they’d have gotten someone relatively famous to be Old Ralphie. At least he sounded old in the first movie. This movie is 10 seconds old and it already sucks.

America: I’m just gonna be entertained by your disparity of this movie.

 

*Old Ralphie says its been years since the lamp broke that locked the parents in mortal combat*

Warlock: FINISH HIM! That would have been cool.

 

*Randy (Valin Shinyei) apparently has no recollection of the first movie. He is a Buck Rogers fan. He tags the milkman as Ralphie (Braeden Lemasters) checks himself out in the mirror. He still has the same glasses and Old Ralphie shills Vitalis*

Warlock: VITALIS????

 

*Mother Parker (Stacey Travis) tells Randy to get ready for school. Randy “You can’t trust that sonovabitch!”

Warlock: She at least looks like the first movie’s mother.

 

*Mother asks where the boys pick up their language as Old Man Parker (Daniel Stern) curses and rants inside the furnace*

Warlock: Daniel Stern in the house.

 

*Old Ralphie says nothing changed. Old Man says if he owned the White Sox things would be different*

Warlock: Took them 60 years to win a world series

 

*Mother still gathered grease like it was gold dust*

Warlock: Shhhhhhhhhhhhh Goldust….

 

*Flick (David W Thompson) and Schwartz (David Michael Paul) say Rita Hayworth is playing at the Majestic*

Warlock: So is this supposed to be the 50’s now?

America: I assume so.

 

*The trio check out a new car*

Warlock: That is a nice car.

 

*The trio announces its Buick Fireball Straight Eight. Old Ralphie says the trio was about to turn 16*

Warlock: Hold on, Ralphie was 9 in the first movie….how the hell could he be 16 if “a few years” passed? This movie has zero consistency.

America: Your disdain entertains me.

Warlock: My foot up your ass is gonna entertain you.

 

*Ralphie cleans out a trashcan backing up his father’s car*

Warlock: HA…ha.

 

*Old Man screams “Son of a bitch!”

Warlock: Ha.

 

*Old Man “Stop sign!”

Warlock: Hahahha

 

*Drucilla Gootrad (Tiera Skovbye) is Ralphie’s crush. She’s with Todd Chapin (Nick Mandryk) the captain of the basketball team*

Warlock: Ok, here’s a love interest. Let’s see how they screw this one up.

America: What’s your problem now?

 

*Ralphie daydream that a Nazi interrogator (Alex Zahara) has Drucilla tied up. Ralphie barges in and shoots the fan ontop of his head. She kisses him to end the day dream*

Warlock: That was awful.

America: Ugh.

 

*Old Man “Any pea brain can go buy a new car. Buying a used one, you gotta be on your toes. Treat the gas like your wife and the clutch like your mother in law*

Warlock: That is funny.

America: Okayyyy

 

*Hank Catenhauser (Gerard Plunkett) tries to sell Old Man a car. Ralphie and Old Man con him into lowering the price by saying there’s no room in the back*

America: That was your amazing bargaining trick? Say its not roomy?

 

*Ralphie spots a dilapidated 1939 Mercury Model Eight Convertible and he goes gaga. Old Ralphie says its the greatest car of all time*

Warlock: Is that the greatest car of all time?

America: Not a car guy, wouldn’t know.

 

*Ralphie has a day dream of riding with Drucilla and she kisses his cheek*

Warlock: Now that’s more like it.

 

*Old Ralphie says his father was full of cliches. “If anything can go wrong, it will.”

America: You mean Murphy’s Law?

 

*Ralphie puts an ad for the car into a magazine. He says lightning doesn’t strike twice but he’s got experience. Ralphie then drops hints that he needs his own car*

Warlock:This is the first movie.

 

*Ralphie plays the cymbals as Drucilla plays the flute. Old Ralphie says that 45 minutes of band practice was the highlight of his day because he was right behind her and could smell her shampoo*

America: I’d love to see him fall or get lost in a day dream and cartoon style bash her head with the cymbals.

Warlock: That would be the greatest thing in the history of American television.

 

*Ralphie plays the cymbals orgasmically. The teacher says “A little less holiday spirit Mr Parker.”

Warlock: WOW, LOOK AT THAT ENTHUSIASM!!

America: Why shout?

 

*Schwartz, Flick and Ralph watch the car Ralph wanted. Old Ralphie says people would be lining up to hurl checkbooks at Hank*

Warlock: Yes,literally.

 

*Ralphie gets behind the wheel. He goes to leave but gets caught on the clutch. He accidentally triggers it and the car rolls off the ramp. Ralph glances into a post and his pants are ripped off. A reindeer falls through the roof. “Oh fudge”

Warlock: This is ridiculous.

 

*Hank wants 85 dollars by Christmas Eve or he’ll call the cops. Old Ralphie says he, Flick and Schwartz were NATO*

America: You’re comparing yourselves and mode of attack to the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. That’s a bit dramatic. Next they get a papercut and one of them says they’re going to bleed out.

 

*Schwartz figures out Randy is spying on them so he opens the door, Randy falls in. Flick says to just ask his father for 85 dollars. Flick and Schwartz say its his only option. Ralphie says he can join the Navy, change his name and grow a beard*

Warlock: This dialogue is terrible.

 

*Ralphie has a daydream Flick and Schrwartz lead him to the business end of a noose*

Warlock: This is painful.

 

*Ralphie asks for 85 dollars, Old Man screams and says no way. Ralphie says he’ll pay him back. Old Man says he COULD give him the money but that will teach him nothing. Back upstairs Schwartz and Flick says a prison sentence would be minimal*

Warlock: They can’t call the cops on a minor could they?

America: They could call the cops on whoever they want.

 

*Ralph says he’ll get a job at Higbee’s. He has a day dream Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Ross Douglas) honors him for his service at Higbee’s*

Warlock: They’re taking the daydream element and butchering it completely.

 

*Ralphie throws money around in his daydream until he sees Drucilla. He dances with her ballroom style and kisses her*

Warlock: Give it a rest!

 

*Old Man continues to fight with the furnace*

Warlock: Daniel Stern is doing his best, but he can’t save this by himself.

 

*Mother puts spare change dropped on the ground into a container*

America: This is their way of following the formula from the first movie. I’m guessing she’s saving up money for him.

Warlock: I’m thinking its for a car for herself.

 

*Old Man says he needs a new furnace*

Warlock: He needs a hot dog!

America: Why?

 

*Old Man throws the heating guy (C Ernst Harth) out*

Warlock: Shoot him with the BBgun.

 

*Old Man refuses to pay for turkey. He storms out. George (Viv Leacock) calls him a cheapskate. The Christmas Eve dinner will now be fish if they can catch it*

Warlock: This movie is getting worse.

 

*Old Man asks Randy if he wants to catch Christmas Eve’s dinner. Randy “This won’t end well.” Ralphie, Schwartz and Flick apply for jobs and get drafted military style*

Warlock: His monologue is making me sick.

 

*Hildred (Darla Fay) teaches them how to wrap*

Warlock: Someone should bury their face in her ass.

America: NO! For the love of god no!

 

*Old Man and Mother go furnace shopping*

Warlock: So everything he owns is falling apart and he refuses to pay normal prce to fix anything.

 

*Angry customers flood Higbee’s as Hildred takes a Jack Daniels break. Schwartz giftwraps a baby by accident*

Warlock: Oh god….

 

*Flick walks with a stack of shoeboxes*

America: Please drop them.

 

*Schwartz sprays himself in the eyes with perfume*

Warlock: Saw that coming.

 

*Dog nearly cleans out Schwartz*

America: Hahaha

 

*Schwartz is chased by an angry sailor after spraying a woman’s breast with perfume. More shenigans has them short 12 dollars already*

Warlock: I’m gonna sing now

America: No.

 

*Old Man tries to teach Randy how to fish. Randy asks why no one else is there. Old Man says everyone is a sucker. Montage of Randy and Old Man freezing. Old Ralphie “This is why Randy still lives in Fort Lauderdale.”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Old Man rants and raves about fish. Randy mouths “Help me”. Old Man “Parker residence, its your dime!”

Warlock: They’re hammering home the fact he’s a complete cheapskate with a railroad spike.

 

*The furnace blows again and Old Man shouts at it. “Its your last night on earth!”

Warlock: Good grief. Poor Daniel Stern is doing his best.

 

*Old Man has a new oiler installed. Randy cries about fishing. Old Man says the new burner runs like a charm. Old Ralphie “Six months later he’d have these guys in small claims court, but no matter. It was time to savor the moment.”

Warlock: My god…halfway there. We’re halfway home…..half-way done.

 

*Randy cracks a tooth and Mother says she needs to get him to Dr Straussen (Tony Alcantar). Randy then cries that he wants to go fishing*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Ralphie walks away from the filing system as Flick sticks his tongue in it and gets caught*

Warlock: Really?

 

*Santa (Garry Chalk) is a pervert*

America: I’ve seen him somewhere before.

Warlock: Legendary voice actor.

 

*Randy fights Mother about the dentist. He used a pedal pushed drill and no novacaine*

America: They really introduced this guy as a villain.

Warlock: Jesus H Christ this movie is awful.

 

*Santa “You waited 2 hours in line to ask for a bed spring?”

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Randy is carried out by Mother. Meanwhile a kid wants a car tire. Ralphie yells at Santa and tells the kids Santa isn’t worth it. Meanwhile Flick and Schwartz get into a shoving match. Santa “Here we go, Elf fight!” Schwartz and Flick use candy canes as swords*

Warlock: Ok this is a little amusing.

America: Now he suddenly cares?

 

*Santa taunts the kids as he leaves. Meanwhile Old Man fishes by himself until Mother arrives*

Warlock: I don’t get it. I’m jigging my keister out here.

America: What?

Warlock: This movie is pure torture. What did I do to deserve this?

 

*Mother catches fish on her first try. Old Man “Its prehistoric”

Warlock: THEY CAUGHT THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!!

 

*Really bad puppet fish with visible strings pops out of the hole*

Warlock: You can clearly see the strings.

 

*Old Man yells at Mother that she jynxed it. She yells at him that all he does is skimp. She calls him a cheap sonovabitch. Old Ralphie “She hadn’t uttered an obscenity in 30 years since she told a customer to “go to heck”

Warlock: I wanna know who wrote this movie and I want to beat them with a lego board.

 

*Ralphie, Schwartz and Flick get fired. Ralphie spots the kid from earlier, he’s homeless. Ralphie goes home and Mother says Old Man is still at the lake. Ralphie joins him. Old Man “Its 10 degrees out!” Ralph tries to say he got fired but Old Man puts him over so he doesn’t get a chance to. He gives a funny speech*

Warlock: Back in Bataan.

 

*Old Man returns frozen and without any fish*

Warlock: He’s worse than I am.

 

*Ralphie begs for his job back. The manager (Shawn Macdonald) gives him another chance by working outside as a reindeer mascot*

Warlock: Talk about a fate worse than death.

 

*Ralphie and Charity Guy (Darcy Michael) have a jingleoff*

America: We’re having a jingleoff

Warlock: Shoot him with the BBgun.

 

*Some guy punches Ralphie and puts a 5 on his antler. Ralphie then stamps forms inside as Drucilla scoffs*

Warlock: Poor kid.

 

*Ralphie is 88 cents short. He says he needs to pawn something. Schwartz says he has a lucky buck. He gives a sob story but Flick catches him on it. Later Ralphie goes to pay off his debt…but runs into the homeless family and uses the money to feed them*

Warlock: Saw that coming a mile away.

 

*Old Man says he tried to be frugal. Mother walks out with a fish she bought and prepared. Ralph gets a phone call to show up at Hank’s. He meets up with Hank and says he bought a tire and dinner for the homeless. He pays him 39 dollars and Hank reveals he sold the car Ralphie wanted. Next morning Ralphie and Randy open presents*

Warlock: This is almost the exact same script of the first movie.

 

*Old Man opens a present,its a tackle box. Randy gets a Buck Rogers playset. Ralphie gets a present from Aunt Clara. Its a sailor suit. Ralphie “Good lord.” Old Man “Sweet Jesus. He’s almost 16 is she that deranged?”

Warlock: Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa

 

*Mother figures out the suit is for Randy, not Ralphie. Ralphie chases down Randy and makes him dress up. They take a picture*

Warlock: Finally something funny.

 

*Ralphie leads Old Man to his present, a brand new leg lamp. Old Man says its the greatest Christmas in history. Mother drops her teacup and it smashes*

Warlock and America: Heh.

 

*Ralphie’s present is the car he wanted. He goes apeshit and jumps around like a madman. Old Man “That’s the last we’ll see of him for a while.” Ralphie does snow circles as Old Man turns on the leg lamp*

Warlock: I wish we could have seen the BBgun at least once.

 

*Old Ralphie says he failed his drivers test 4 times as his car rolls down the driveway. Drucilla stops it*

Warlock: Oh yeah, forgot about her.

 

*She knows more about cars than he does. Old Ralphie “Well? You gonna say something?”

Warlock: Yeah really.

 

*Drucilla says Ralphie has a lot of guts to stand up to that guy for the 5 dollar bill. Drucilla gives him a fruitcake*

America: Okay she just made the first move.

Warlock: He’ll get there.

 

*Drucilla says she broke up with Todd. Ralphie “I didn’t know that.”

Warlock: Just kiss her already.

 

*Ralphie begs Old Man to take Drucilla once around the block. He really does drive her around. Old Ralphie explains the BBgun was the best present he ever got…until now*

Warlock: Bullshit.

 

*End credits*

Warlock: Ugh….oh god….we made it…its a miracle. FALLALAALALALAAAAAAAA

America: Settle down.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3.

Warlock: I’ll say 2.5….that was a complete piece of crap knockoff of the original movie. Daniel Stern did his absolute best but couldn’t save the movie alone. They made no mention of the BBgun and half the movie was just stupid shit.

Final Grade: 2.5 out of 10 – Abysmal.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well we sure stepped into a big pile of bashit on this one. They took a cute concept that worked and completely butchered it. Every joke was telegraphed and the acting was absymal. The writers thought they could replicate the first movie and failed miserably. Ugh, well that concludes the Christmas special.

*Mr America gets up from the recliner*

America: Oh that was very bad.

Warlock: Well look at the brightside. At least you’re not on The Happy and Crappy Show.

America: What?

Warlock: Merry Christmas everyone.

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