*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a blacl leather jacket, Brick Bardo t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a sacred chalice of Dr Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock lowers his head and the ground runbles before walking inside*
Warlock: Tonight we take a look at a movie I have never seen. Thug D has graciously provided one of the most requested movies to watch here at the Realm.
*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with band patches on it, a Vader t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*
D: Yeah, and its going to be good.
Warlock: That’s what I intend to find out. Tonight’s movie is Tucker and Dale vs Evil. The story of two misunderstood rednecks that are attacked by college kids.
D: Thats pretty much it.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So lets get started with Tucker and Dale vs Evil.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Tucker and Dale are on vacation at their dilapidated mountain cabin when they are attacked by a group of preppy college kids.”
D: Pfft, yup….
*Billy (Eli Craig) films as News Reporter (Sasha Craig) is killed before he is too*
Warlock: Heh, the Craig family wiped out in 5 seconds.
*Chad (Jesse Moss), Allison (Katrina Bowden), Chuck (Travis Nelson), Chloe (Chelan Simmons) and Jason (Brandon Jay McLaren) establish themselves as preppy college douchebags. Tucker (Alan Tudyk) and Dale (Tyler Labine) drive by and they stare at each other*
Warlock: Getting the cast list out early.
*Dale has a crush on Allison but is too shy to talk to her. Tucker says to have faith in himself. Dale “I fix their toilets”
Warlock and D: Hahahaha
*Dale walks over to the college kids holding a scythe and laughs nervously at himself. Chad springs to action and the kids run for their cars and speed off*
Warlock: Hahaha poor Dale.
*Dale tells Tucker he’s a zero with the ladies. In the truck, Dale and Tucker banter back and forth with Jangers The Dog in the back-seat*
Warlock: Neyz would love the dog.
*Sheriff (Phillip Granger) pulls them over. He asks where they’re going, Tucker says their vacation home they need to fix up. Dale is having trouble with the ladies and Tucker needs to help him with man time. Sheriff says there’s nothing up there but pain and suffering. After he leaves, they drink Miller together*
Warlock: ITS MILLER TIME!
*Dale says the dilapidated cabin is a fixer upper and the greatest thing he ever seen*
D: It looks like the cabin from Evil Dead.
Warlock: It probably IS the cabin from Evil Dead.
*Dale and Tucker looks at the wall with newspaper clippings of attacks and mass murders. They ignore that and see a buy one, get one free coupon on one of the clippings with no expiration date*
Warlock: Hahahahaha they notice THAT?
*Chad tells a campfire story of 20 years earlier where kids are listening to Pump Up The Jams when some killer hillbillies (Mark W Strong, Shaun Tisdale) wipe out some college kids. Chad says the bodies are buried underneath them. They all go skinny dipping*
Warlock: What is that about?
D: The real killers.
*Tucker and Dale go fishing and they argue over who gets the last beer*
Warlock: You’re not getting my Bud Light, Johnny.
*Chad scares Alison and he says they’re better than everyone else*
Warlock: Can we kill these people now?
*Alison doesn’t want sex right now, they go skinny dipping…..feet away from Tucker and Dale*
*Alison strips as Tucker and Dale watches. Dale shouts and she falls into the water. She doesn’t resurface. Dale dives in to save her. The rest of the college kids see them and say “They have Alison, RUNNNN!”
D: Hahaha they think they’re capturing her, not saving her.
*Next day Alison wakes up with Jangers the Dog looking at her*
Warlock: The dog won best supporting actor.
*Dale walks in and offers pancakes but she freaks. The rest of the college kids make plans to attack the rednecks. One goes to run for help. Jason spots the cabin as Dale brings a steak dinner with flowers to Alison. Dale tries to tell her he rescued her while they fishing. She asks where her friends are, Dale says they ran away. They hope they return to get her*
Warlock: Hahaha this is hilarious.
*Dale says Jangers looks scary but is a big old marshmellow*
Warlock: Neyz would love that.
*Alison asks if there’s anything to do, he says board games*
Warlock: I call Stratego.
*Tucker spots Dale and Alison playing games and he revs up a chainsaw. Mitch (Adam Beuchesne) walks up to him. Tucker accidentally cuts through a bees nest and he starts flailing around with the chainsaw. Mitch thinks he’s being chased but Tucker is running away from the bees. Tucker runs PAST Mitch and Mitch impales himself on a tree branch*
Warlock and D: HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Warlock: He impaled himself hahaha.
*Dale and Alison share bonding moments as Tucker walks in with his face a mess due to bee stings. He pours beer on his face to cut down the swelling*
*Dale pulls the stingers out of Tucker while he says Alison’s friend must be allergic to bees because he was running like a bat out of hell*
*Tucker and Dale says they’ll find her friends, she just stay there. Chad and the kids find Mitch’s body and Chad goes berserk. They all hide when Tucker and Dale walk around. Tucker screams out for the kids. Dale screams out as well*
Warlock: They’re trying to help, not hurt…hahaha.
*Dale cuts a message in the woods “We got ur friend” as Tucker works the wood chipper with Dale digging. Alison walks outside and Dale is checking her out, puppy eyed*
Warlock: He’s puppy eyed.
*Dale tells her he’s digging an outhouse hole*
D: How many times do you think he’s been close to a girl. Probably never.
*Alison said she grew up on the farm where you helped out or got out*
D: Nice rule.
*Group walks up and sees Alison digging to help Dale. Jason “Sick fuck, they’re making her dig her own grave!”
*Dale pulls Alison out of the hole. Naiomi (Christie Laing) and Chloe scamper around. Dale “Oh hey there’s your friends! HEY!” Just as Dale shouts, Todd (Alex Arsenault) runs up with a large stick in the shape of a javelin and screams. Alison pushes Dale out of the way and the shovel hits her, they both fall. Todd falls into the hole and impales himself as the javelin. He slowly falls on top of Dale who screams*
D and Warlock: Hahahahahahha
*Chuck sneaks up on Tucker with a knife and trips, falling into the wood chipper. Tucker tries to pull him out but the kids see him putting him instead. Back inside the cabin, Tucker and Dale freak out and say they’re doing a suicide pact since they’re killing themselves. Dale thinks the kids want Alison dead. Dale says go to the police. Tucker says the police will think they did it*
Warlock: He’s right.
*Tucker says they have to clean the mess up. Meanwhile Jason. Naomi, Chloe and Chad are the only ones left. Chad calls the rest of them pussies. Chad says “A few little murders”
D: Those were your friends dude.
*Chad cuts an insane promo. Jason calls him fucked up. He and the two girls run off*
Warlock: That’s hilarious.
*Chloe tells Sheriff there’s a murderer on the loose. He believes them as Tucker and Dale try to remove Chuck from the wood chipper. They pull his lower half out and Sheriff drives up. Tucker says he’ll do the talking*
Warlock and D: Hahahahahaha
*Tucker tells what really happened. Sheriff doesn’t believe him and says they must think he’s a moron. Dale says they have Alison inside and he knocked her out by accident*
D: Just shut up Dale!
*Sheriff wants to see Alison. Tucker and Dale lead him inside. He checks on Alison and he starts believing Tucker and Dale. He leans on the support beam which snaps and a makeshift nailbat impales him in the head. He falls outside with the kids in the Sheriff’s car screaming*
Warlock and D: Hahahhaahaaaa
*Sheriff gets up and gets in the car. Tucker says “Oh good he’s gonna walk it off.”
Warlock: Yeah he’s fine.
*Sheriff drops dead on the ground. Mike (Joseph Allan Sutherland) grabs Sheriff’s gun and points it at Tucker and Dale. Dale tells him to take the safety off and while Mike takes the safety off, he shoots himself in the head*
D: What an idiot!!
*Chad grabs the gun and shoots at the duo, who run inside scared*
Warlock: Poor Dale.
*Chad unloads the whole gun as Tucker blames Dale for being a good Samaritan. Dale blames him for going fishing, he claims he doesn’t like fishing. Tucker is heartbroken*
Warlock: You just broke his heart.
*Chad continues to shoot and takes Jangers hostage*
Warlock: Oh that’s fucked up.
*Tucker plans to go out the back, Dale the front. Dale starts shooting out the window at the kids. Dale taunts them and calls them a bunch of freaks. Dale unloads about 20 nails and even Tucker is concerned. Tucker frees Jangers but Chad catches him. Tucker takes off but falls in mud. He covers himself in camoflauge as the kids run around. Chad punches out Tucker and hangs him upside down*
Warlock: Great, now what?
*Tucker wakes up and asks what the hell is wrong with them. Chad taunts him and says its payback time. Tucker says to let him go and he’ll get him some beers. Chad “This is for mike” and chops a finger off. Tucker screams*
D: Ohhhhhhhhhh wow.
*Dale checks on Alison who wakes up. He gives her a sob story. Dale says her friends forgot to take their medication. Dale says they’re trying to kill Tucker and Jangers. Dale says they’ve gone insane. Chad bangs on the door and Alison says she’ll take care of it. She walks outside and sees the Sheriff and Mike dead and a package on the ground. She walks back inside and the package is two of Tucker’s fingers. The note reads “Now we got your friend, come and get him.” Alison says this is a misunderstanding, they think he’s trying to kill her. Alison says he looked like a creep at the gas station. Dale says he doesn’t know how to talk to girls. Alison understands that now but Dale gets mad and storms out thinking she’d never go for a guy like him*
Warlock: Dale is the MVP of this movie.
*Dale runs into Mitch and calls him a stupid college kid. He then finds Tucker hanging and Tucker says its a trap*
D: ITS A TRAP!!
*Dale is nearly impaled through the nutsack but it misses him. Dale “I’m so glad I’m not hung like a bear.” Tucker “That kid has some serious issues”
*Chad and Naomi enter the cabin. Alison asks why they are whispering. Alison tries to say there’s been a huge misunderstanding. Chad starts pouring gas all around. Alison tries to say Tucker and Dale are normal. Naomi says Alison has Stockholme Syndrome.
D: These kids are Looney Tunes.
*Chad goes to attack Alison as Tucker and Dale barge in to save Alison. Alison tries to play peacemaker as Tucker says he’ll make the finger sandwhiches. He pours beer on the finger stumps. Dale sits across from Chad as Alison makes the tea. Its Earl Gray*
Warlock and D: Hahahhaa
*Alison wants them to tell both sides of the story and envision the other in the other’s shoes*
*Chad says before he was born, his parents were attacked by hillbillies. The memorial day massacre. His mother was captured by the hillbillies. They tortured his parents. She escaped but his father’s body was never found. He says his mother was in an asylum when he was born. Alison “….Okay”
D: Well that sucks.
*Jason and Chloe sneak around outside. Jason “Dammit woman, don’t argue with me.”
D: Its amazing she’s in college.
Warlock: With the intellect of a shoe.
*Jason peaks in to the peace talks and says Chad and Alison are hostages. Dale tells his side that he would have been 6 years old at the time. Chad says it wasn’t them but it was done BY people like them. Dale says he fells better now. Meanwhile Jason barges in with a weed whacker and goes to kill Tucker, but he ducks and Jason cuts Naomi’s face off*
Warlock: What an idiot!
*Chad knocks the table over on Dale and tries to kill him with a hatchet. Tucker punches Chad in the face. Chad throws a lantern on Jason who burns. Chloe throws gas on him by accident and he burns to death. Tucker, Dale and Alison make it out as the place blows*
D: There goes your summer house.
*Tucker “My vacation house.” Alison “I’m a terrible therapist” Chad staggers out of the house disfigured with a limp and hobbles after them. Tucker, Dale and Alison drive off….and into a tree*
*Jangers licks Dale awake. Dale asks Tucker what happened. Tucker says Chad took her. Dale laments saying he never should have tried his luck with Alison. Tucker gives him a pep talk saying Dale is better than he thinks he is. Tucker says Alison digs him*
Warlock: Yeah really do.
*Tucker says take Jangers and go get Alison, he’ll be fine. They go to shake hands but Dale grabs the wrong hand and Tucker cries out in pain. Tucker “Kick the shit out of that college dickhead” Dale “I’m gonna shove my boot down his throat”
Warlock: Hahaha redneck rampage.
*Jangers leads Chad to a lumber mill. Chad ties her up and makes her beg. He starts licking on her as Dale breaks in to save her. Dale packs for battle and scares Alison in the process*
*Chad taunts Dale over the intercom and turns on the buzzsaw. He can’t untie the knot so he cuts her loose. Chad pounces and attacks Dale. They brawl and Dale tosses a hatchet to cut Alison loose. Dale fires up a chainsaw and they go one on one, tool against tool. Chad gets the upperhand and runs upstairs with Alison. Dale “Jesus H Christ that kid is tough as nails”
*Alison finds a newspaper revealing Chad’s father wasn’t the survivor, he was the murderer 20 years earlier. Chad barges in with the chainsaw and and Dale stops him with the newspaper. Alison says Chad is half hillbilly. Chad says nothing is real anymore and goes to rev the chainsaw. Dale throws tea bags on Chad that triggers his ashtma. Dale says he’ll be okay if he gets his inhaler…and Chad falls out the window*
Warlock: So much for him.
*Dale visits Tucker in the hospital, Tucker has his fingers sewn back on. Tucker brings him a beer and a straw. Tucker asks if Dale asked Alison out. Dale says they’re going bowling. Tucker “You little dickhead!”
*Dale tells BJ (Bill Baksa) to believe in himself to go ask someone out. Dale and Alison share bonding moments as Dale says besides the killings he’s glad they got to spend time together. She kisses him and says “I feel the same way”. They make out as the credits roll*
Warlock: Well that was fun.
Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 10 out of 10. It was hands down THE best horror comedy movie in the past 10 years.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 9 out of 10. The only thing I didn’t like is how they came out with the story that this was all a misunderstanding. They should have kept running with the fact Tucker and Dale weren’t bad guys but shit kept happening compared to them telling Naomi, Chad and Alison that they weren’t bad guys. I agree that this was the best horror comedy since Shaun of The Dead.
Final Grade: 9.5 out of 10 – Almost the best of all time.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Now THAT was awesome. That’s what a horror comedy is supposed to be like. I laughed my ass off in this one and enjoyed it greatly. It had a great mix of superb acting, a plot and great effects. This is a must see for any horror comedy fan. That about wraps up another amazing adventure, have a pleasant evening.