45 MINUTES AGO
*The Warlock and Mr. America are at Seven-Eleven picking up snacks for the big Patriots game coming up against the Miami Dolphins. While America raids the food isle, Warlock stops to check out the bargain bin movies. He sneers and pulls three of them out*
*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, ICE CREAM MAN POLICE DEPARTMENT t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a sacred chalice of Pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots a fire ball into the sky and walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight we take a look at one of three movies I found in a bargain bin…otherwise known as IT CAME FROM SEVEN-ELEVEN
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: Oh god, what the hell are you going to make us suffer through?
Warlock: That’s the thing, I have no idea if these movies are good or bad. We’ll just have to watch and find out.
America: Terrific, what’s first?
Warlock: Up first is Repo Men, the 2010 action movie starring Jude Law. Apparently in the future you can take out a loan to purchase vital organs but if you’re late on any payment, guess who shows up?
America: The Repo Man from WWF?
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: I wish….but let’s find out. Its time for Repo Men.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Set in the near future when artificial organs can be bought on credit, it revolves around a man who struggles to make the payments on a heart he has purchased. He must therefore go on the run before said ticker is repossessed.”
America: Sucks to be him.
*Remy (Jude Law) does a voice over*
Warlock: That’s Jude Law.
America: I know, my ear still works.
*Remy types out a story on a typewriter*
Warlock: He can’t type worth a shit.
*Remy “I don’t give a fuck about small fury animals”
Warlock: Don’t tell Neyz that.
*Mr Smythe is about to get a blowjob when Remy stops him by saying he’s from the Union. Smythe tries to bribe him and Remy shoots him with a tranquilizer. The hooker whacks him and he complains. “There’s no need for violence, miss.” She goes to hit him again and Remy shoots her*
*Remy surgically removes Mr. Smythe’s liver*
Warlock: Oooooh, mind if I eat?
America: You’re asking the wrong guy.
*Remy says his job is repossessing vital organs*
Warlock: So he’s the Repo Man.
America: Prettttty sure they established that by, I don’t know, RIPPING THE GUY’S LIVER OUT!
*Remy does pull-ups and takes a shower as the news says the latest world war is in Nigeria. Remy’s son Peter (Chandler Canterbury) needs to be taken to school. As remy drives him, he touches the suitcase with the liver in it. Remy tells him not to touch it*
America: Yeah don’t touch the organs.
*Montage of Remy shooting people and taking their organs. Frank (Liev Schreiber) oversees everything at The Union*
Warlock: Sabertooth in the house.
*A man is being offered a pancreas for 618,000 dollars with a 19.6 APR rate*
*Frank reassures the man that the Repo Man doesn’t show up until the 6th day of the 4th month of non-payment*
Warlock: That’s a deal.
*Remy makes his way to the staff room. One of the staffers cut open a woman with a knife on a crowded subway*
Warlock: What an asshole.
*Frank says to Remy not to come in the front because it scares customers into paying in full, they don’t make money that way. Frank asks what Remy’s got on ice and he pulls out two livers. Frank “What, have you been hanging out at AA meetings?”
*Jake (Forest Whitaker) sneaks up on Remy and clowns around with him. Remy is miffed. Remy tells a story of how Jake was his bully in school and later Remy fought back, they’ve been friends since. They wrestle around, Frank “I’m working with fucking children”
*Remy’s wife Carol (Carice van Houton) nags him about transferring to Sales. Jake ribs him after*
Warlock: Do you want to crochet a set of balls?
America: What?? Why??
*Jake says Remy’s pay would be cut in half if Remy move to Sales. Jake spots a fat man and bets Remy 20 bucks he’s overdue. He’s 2 days from being overdue. Remy threatens him and he runs. Remy “Slow down, you’re gonna need a heart too”
*Remy asks if Jake ever Repo’d a friend. Jake says his grandfather. Remy and Jake check out the lounge singer named Beth (Alice Braga) and Remy is awestruck*
Warlock: Wow, she’s cute.
America: Why are you staring at her? Aren’t you supposed to be married?
Warlock: I can do whatever I want.
America: I WASN’T TALKING ABOUT YOU, YOU IDIOT! I was talking about Jude Law….wowwwww.
*Remy gets home to Carol and puts on a romantic song. He asks her if she remembers Jimmy T-Bone (RZA). He wants some nook but she stones him cold*
America: He got shut down.
*Remy visits Peter who’s sleeping*
Warlock: Kid, lemme tell ya something, I can’t have sex because of you.
America: That’s a bit extreme isn’t it?
*Remy and Peter share bonding moments. Remy says the Romans were bad ass*
Warlock: Yes we were.
America: You weren’t one of them?
*Remy is hosting a barbeque when Jake says he’s got a half commission for him if they leave now. Remy tells him two minutes. Jake walks out in an apron and a butcher knife*
Warlock: I see where this is going. Hahahaha
*Jake zaps the guy and cuts him open. Carol walks outside and sees Jake finishing the job. He’s taken the guy’s kidney. Meanwhile Carol grabs Peter and drives off, leaving Remy alone with Jake. Jake apologizes but Remy says its not his fault. On their way to The Union, Jake and Remy banter*
Warlock: Good call on the “guy leaves the company storyline”
*Jake’s scanner goes off, apparently 20 people with organs are hiding out on a boat. Remy and Jake round everyone up. Jake uses excessive force “Are you having fun yet?” Meanwhile Remy gets jumped by two guys. Remy takes them both out*
*Jake gets in a knife fight with a muscle head. Remy saves him but Jake scoffs. Back at Frank’s office, Jake and Remy return with the loot. Frank offers a Spec job to Jake and Remy, Jake wants it but Remy doesn’t. Back in the car, Jake asks what keeps the world together*
Warlock: Forest has too much hair though.
America: ……WHAT HAIR? He has as much hair as Sputnik.
*Jake gives Remy a pep talk and tells him to finish the T-Bone job. Remy drops Jake off and goes home. A voiceover of Remy says he’s been listening to T-Bone since high school*
Warlock: Its RZA
*Remy walks up to T-Bone and T-Bone asks to finish the song first. Remy gets nervous when T-Bone asks him to help finish*
Warlock: Oh he suckered him.
America: Alright if he’s gonna turn against the company, he needs to do it now.
*T-Bone hands him the tape and says to hand it to Terence at Blue Note Records. Remy gives him the courtesy of asking for an ambulance or being taken to a hospital. When Remy goes to defib T-Bone, he gets blown backwards. We get a backstory of Remy being knocked out four times. Once in the military*
*Second was when he got knocked out in a strip joint. The third was right then and there. He wakes up in the hospital with Frank and Jake looking over him. Jake says he’s been in a coma. Frank says to tell him. Jake says they have business to discuss. Frank says he’s lucky to be alive. Frank says he’s got an artificial heart hooked up right now. Remy is pissed and demands it removed. He gets up and walks out. Jake to Frank “You’re an asshole, man”. Remy rips out the heart and he flatlines, falling on the floor*
Warlock: What the hell did you think was going to happen?
America: That’s hospital property. Did you really think that concerns him?
*Remy agrees to have the artificial one put in*
Warlock: Well here’s your storyline.
*Remy returns home 3 days later. His key won’t work. She’s kicked him out of the house. He wants to see Peter. She slams the door in his face*
Warlock: Wow what a fucking cunt.
*Remy visits Jake who tries to cheer him up as he unofficially moves in. Back at the Union, Frank hires a stripper to cheer Remy up*
Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.
*Remy picks a lock on a house. Mr. Erikson resists and Remy nearly has a heart attack taking him down. Remy can’t cut him open because of his heart*
America: Well that ain’t good.
*Remy hits up the bar where Jake asks how the job went. Remy bullshits him and Jake tells a story to crack up the crowd. Meanwhile Remy visits Peter and Carol tries to drag him away but he runs into Remy’s arms before going inside. She hands him his overdue bill and slams the door on him again*
Warlock: Knock her the fuck out.
*Jake figures out that Remy bailed on his last job. We get a montage of Remy’s life falling apart. He’s falling behind on his payments since he transferred to Sales. Remy in a voiceover says he’s got 6 days to live*
Warlock: Wow, that sucks.
*Jake gives him a tongue lashing in the car on their way to a job. They zap a kid who’s 5 months overdue. Jake tells him he’s got this one. Jake the brings over a dude behind on a liver and kidney payment. Remy gets cold feed again*
Warlock: What is wrong with him?
*Jake yells at him to stay there until its done. Jake says to get as many as he can to get over the hump*
America: I’m gonna say he grew a conscience.
*Remy lets the kid go and the other guy beats the shit out of him. Remy’s voiceover says that was knockout number four when he gets hit in the head*
Warlock: They got another hour left, this can’t possibly be close to over.
*Remy finds Beth singing in some kind of drug haze. Remy uses his final days to look after Beth as she goes through withdrawal. He figures out she has overdue organs. Remy’s voiceover says he can’t kill anymore. Meanwhile Jake is pissed off*
Warlock: We’re gonna have a big fight.
*Remy comes back to Beth and she kicks his ass*
Warlock: Why does everyone want to kick his ass?
America: What do you THINK she thinks his intentions are? He’s either going to remove her organs or rape her.
*Remy explains his situation. Beth “You’re as fucked as me.” Remy: “Maybe not.”
Warlock: What’s he doing?
*Jake catches him fucking with the system input and tell a story of his uncle the bank robber who went soft. Remy asks who Frank’s gonna send after him. Jake says either Ray (Joe Pingue) or him. Remy gives up his gun and leaves*
America: They had to find a way to make this more interesting.
*Remy sneaks in Peter’s window*
Warlock: Sneaking into the window of his own home.
*Remy tells Peter he’s going away for a while. Back at the motel he returns to Beth. He says he got caught trying to clear her forgs. Beth tells him to go on without her, he says he can’t. He goes on the lam with her. His voiceover says he’s trying to save them both. Meanwhile in a downtrodden Union room, Jake gets the bad news from Frank that he’s been sent to go get Remy. Jake refuses and walks out. Frank asks around and no one takes it*
Warlock: Well that’s encouraging.
*Remy and Beth ransack the dump looking for stuff. Beth apparently has artificial everything due to diabetes and the Q habit. She continues but he stops her. He asks about her lips and she says they’re all hers. He runs over and kisses her*
America: Well I guess he forgot about his wife.
Warlock: Fuck her. Bitch kicked him out for no good reason.
*Beth and Remy celebrate his birthday. Beth got him a typewriter she found. They kiss again*
America: She HAD a reason. Not a very good one, but she had a reason.
Warlock: I don’t give a fuck.
*Remy types out his will*
Warlock: That explains the voiceover.
*Beth asks about Remy’s writing when she hears somebody coming. Remy can’t hear anything. Beth uses her artificial ears and spots Ray aproaching. Remy and Beth attempt their getaway. Remy types away as Ray walks in and says he’s dissappointed. Remy “You’re disappointed? They sent the ear guy after me” Ray walks in and falls through the floor 50 feet below. Beth also falls when the whole floor crumbles. Both Beth and Ray crawl around hurt. Ray grabs his gun but Remy drops the typewriter on his head, crushing it*
America: Talk about writer’s block.
*Beth’s knee is fucked up. Remy says they’re after supplies. Beth fixes her knee*
*Remy mugs Larry (Max Turnbull) The Lung for his costume. Inside The Union, Remy fucks with Jake before punching out Frank in his office*
*Remy removes the costume and Fran laughs at him. Frank tells him he’s killed Ray and he’ll kill anyone else he sends after him. Frank reveals that the stunt with the barcode has got them all backed up. He says they can do this two ways, give him the heart or talk this out. Remy shoots him and leaves. He tells Beth theyre heading for the airport and he’s got code jammer. Meanwhile Jake laughs at Frank for Remy shooting him. Frank says to stop laughing because he’s got Remy now*
Warlock: Now its on.
*Remy and Beth make it through customs until a couple spots Beth’s leg bleeding. They take her to the first aid station where they work on her. Meanwhile a whole crew makes them. Beth and Remy wipe everyone out but run into Jake. He stares a whole in them and they hop away the other way*
Warlock: 45 minutes, wow.
*Beth and Remy hit up the black market for a new kneecap. Asbury (John Leguiazamo) walks in. Beth says she needs help. He turns to Remy “Mi casa es su casa cabron”
Warlock: My house is your house, asshole.
*Its revealed Asbury is the reason Beth got addicted to Q. Remy calls him a vulture, Asbury calls him a parrot*
Warlock: You’re a cockatiel.
*Asbury says he can’t fix her knee but Alva (Liza Lapira) can. Beth says Alva almost killed her. Little Alva (Tiffany Epensen) walks in and Alva says its her daughter. Alva makes Beth say what parts she’s working with. She babbles on until she falls asleep. Little Alva is the surgeon, not Alva and Remy freaks*
Warlock: Hahahahahahaha clever.
*Remy “She’s five!” Alva “Nine actually, she’s been doing this since she was four”
Warlock: That is actually clever.
*Beth feels like break dancing*
Warlock: So do I.
America: Break a leg.
*Remy and Beth return to Asbury’s but Remy smells a rat. He tiptoes with a gun as Beth finds him on the couch with his guts ripped open. Beth goes to cover him when Jake walks in. Remy asks how they found him. Jake says the same way he would have found him. Jake says he can make this right if Remy comes with him. Remy says he can’t go back. Jake reveals he rigged the defib unit for him to get electrocuted. Jake says he did it to keep him from working Sales. Remy and Jake go at it*
Warlock: Is this the final battle?
America: Gonna say no considering there’s a half hour left.
*Jake throws Remy through a wall. He charges but Jake throws him against the sink. Beth charges but Jake shoves her down. Remy starts laughing and Jake laughs along with him. Remy stabs Jake in the thigh and Jake goes to crash his skull with a brick. Beth then zaps Jake just in time as only the side of Remy’s head gets bashed. Remy spots Jake knocked out as a bunch of people scream its a raid. The Repo Men are here and they start offing people. Remy and Beth do their best to get away*
Warlock: Not exactly the finale I was thinking of.
America: There is a lot of people for this raid.
Warlock: They want to do it right, right?
*Rhodesia (Yvette Nicole Brown) takes Remy hostage and asks why she shouldn’t kill him. He reveals his artificial heart*
America: I know her, she’s from Community. Was a pretty good show.
*Remy walks through the sea of bodies all with organs removed*
Warlock: Like right out of Vietnam,
*Remy finds Little Alva amongst the victims*
America: Oh shit.
*Remy walks outside dejected. Beth asks what to do. He says to finish this. Their plan is to break into Union HQ. Carol and Peter show up and Carol gives him shit on the train. She yells at Beth and reams Remy until Peter of all people shoots her*
Warlock: About fucking time.
America: Why are you so mad about her being mad that he wouldn’t spend more time with her?
Warlock: Because she refuses to let him see his own kid because she’s mad that he works.
*Remy tries to say Peter is naughty but can’t stop laughing. Beth and Remy leave the train with Peter and a passed out Carol still on it*
Warlock: Jesus Christ, he’s gonna get his ass beat.
*Frank gets in his car and Beth/Remy are waiting. Frank “Come on, again?”
*Remy leaves Frank out cold. 3 security guards try to stop Remy and he wipes out all three of them before taking out the security camera. Remy tells Beth to head for the pink door*
Warlock: Do they have pinkish blood?
*Beth and Remy walk through a secret lab where the artificial organs are made. One of the lab workers runs for an exit as security starts shooting the lab crew trying to get to Remy and Beth*
Warlock: That is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
*Remy and Beth wipe out a slew of guards. His old Union buddies stand in his way. Remy wipes them all out with two knives. Remy gets stabbed in the process but keeps attacking. Remy uses an assortment of tools to dispatch the rest of them*
America: Why are they even trying?
Warlock: Look at you, you’re not even wearing a name tag.
*Remy and Beth make their way to the Pink room as Jake and Frank are on their way. Remy manages to shut the door on them as Frank says “Great, that’s just fucking great.” Remy looks for the keyboard but can’t find one. Remy freaks out but then calmly says the only way they can crack the interface is to repo themselves. Beth kisses Remy and he says to do it. She shoves the scanner up his insides and scans his forg, it clears. He’s home free. He patches himself up and prepares to Repo Beth. He gets her eyes, ears, voicebox, kneecap, etc*
Warlock: Oh this is gonna hurt.
Warlock: This reminds me of the scene in Boondock Saints where they quartarize their own wounds.
*Remy cuts open Beth as Jake and Frank make their way inside the room. They find Remy with his hands inside Beth, he’s looking for the final organ. Frank says to finish it. Jake “Is she REALLY worth it?” Remy “She’s worth every job we ever did.” He reclaims the final organ and Frank says to end it. Jake “Alright then.” Frank says he’ll do it himself and Jake stabs him in the throat, killing him. Jake then hands Remy a syringe and says to give her a shot of adrenaline. She wakes up and Jake blows the machine completely with two grenades*
Warlock: Nice explosion effect.
*Jake and Remy laugh as the doors unlock*
Warlock: How they gonna end this?
*Remy listens to T-Bone while at the beach with Beth. He’s had his Repo Men tattoo removed. Jake joins them and claims its hot. Beth kisses himmand walks away. Jake picks up Remy’s first book “The Reposession Mambo”. Jake laughs at him. Suddenly Jake is gone and we switch to Remy being loaded onto a gurney. Apparently when Jake cacked him in the head earlier, what happened next was all a dream. Jake says he’ll deal with the unconscious Beth later. A very much alive Frank then shills a commercial for the M-5 Neural Net which explains how Remy’s at the beach. Its all a dream in his head. Warlock stands and throws the drink coaster at the TV*
Warlock: OH THAT’S BULLSHIT.
Warlock: THAT IS BULLSHIT!
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 5.5. Decent film, would have given it better if it wasn’t for the garbage ending.
Warlock’s Assessment: That ending was GARBAGE. It was a decent twist but it was a twist that NOBODY wants to see. I loved the movie up until that point. It made me laugh, had great gore effects…..but fuck that ending. I give it a 6.5….was gonna give it an 8 but fuck it.
Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: The ending sucked bjt it was very entertaining and watchable. Its a good way to kill two hours even if the twist has you pissed off at the end. That about wraps up part 1 of IT CAME FROM SEVEN ELEVEN..
America: What’s the second?
*Warlock holds up the blu ray but doesnt reveal it*
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.