*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing an American Ninja t-shirt, leather jacket, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce bottle of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock flicks his wrist and lightning strikes nearby. Warlock walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight, Thug D and I continue our coverage of the Carrie series with The Rage: Carrie 2.
*Thug D is in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with band patches on it, Anthrax t-shirt, black jeans and sneakers along with Oaklies shades*
D: Continuing coverage? There’s only two movies.
Warlock: True, look at the bright side, we don’t have to do anything afterwards.
D: Sounds good to me.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s see if The Rage can hold a candle to the original Carrie, let’s begin.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A horrible massacre strikes up after an outcast teenage girl is taunted by a group of high school jocks, all of them unaware of her cutthroat telekinetic powers.”
D: So they just remade the first the movie?
*Opening scene has opening credits with someone painting the drapes red*
D: Strawberry designing is not in season. Trying too hard to be edgy right now.
Warlock: *making fun of opening song* Ah ah ah
D: Possibly one of the worst scores I’ve ever heard.
*Young Rachel (Kayla Campbell) wonders why her mom is going nuts instead of playing in her room. The mother paints her face*
Warlock: Two movies in a room with an insane mother.
*Rachel’s mom Barbara (J Smith Cameron) is hauled off in a mental ambulance as a detective tells her she has to go away for a while. She’s going to live with a nice family*
D: A family that won’t beat you as bad as your mom did.
*Rachel says she has no dad and runs inside, telekinetically shutting doors. She falls asleep in the closet next to her dog. She wakes up in the present as current Rachel (Emily Bergl) has to get up for school. Her foster parents yell at her*
Warlock: Why are all authority figures dicks in this movie?
*Rachel talks with Lisa (Mena Suvari).Lisa says she lost her virginity*
Warlock: Wow, the prude from American Pie is the non-virgin here.
*Rachel and Lisa are best buds*
Warlock: Least she’s doing 100 times better than Carrie who everyone hated.
*Eric (Zachary Ty Bryan) walks over with his jock friends*
D: Here comes Brad to wreck the day.
*Guys love Tracy (Charlotte Ayanna). Lisa and Rachel walk by and Jesse (Jason London) likes her*
D: He’s been playing a high school kid for 10 years.
*Arnold (Eddie Kaye Thomas) makes a joke to crack up the class*
D: Good work Shitbreak.
Warlock: Holy shit this movie has half the cast of American Pie.
*Fat teacher yells at class*
D: “God dammit you;ve been playing high school kids for 20 years!”
*Lisa walks around sulking*
D: She looks happy.
Warlock: Jesus she looks like she just shot up a bunch of heroin.
*Lisa dives off the roof of school and lands on a car*
D: Guess Chris Kleine dumped her at the end of American Pie
Warlock: Was her grades really that bad?
*Lockers tart exploding in school. Sue Snell (Amy Irving) is the guidance counselor*
Warlock: Sue Snell is back.
*Jesse watches from afar as Sue pulls Rachel away. Idiot with camera films Lisa’s body and asks who’s car she fell on*
Warlock: I need to slap him silly.
*Sue gets on the intercom and says at 1 PM they will observe a moment of silence. Eric erases Lisa’s name from the “scorebook”*
D: Covering his tracks.
*Sue and others break open Lisa’s locker. Eric is grilled by Mark (Dylan Bruno) about what to do. He’s more worried about the college he applied to turning him down because of a scandal*
Warlock: Wow, what an asshole.
*Rachel works at photo shop where she develops the pictures of Eric and Lisa looking like a couple*
D: He’s not really a dick so much as he bows to peer pressure. He doesn’t have the balls to stand up to his friends.
Warlock: Yeah, we all had THOSE type of friends. “Dude you’re with THAT girl?”
*Jesse and Mark pull up to the photo drive through*
Warlock: They had photo drive thru’s?
D: You want some cheese on those photos?
*Jesse asks if her name is Rachel*
Warlock: No, its Mary. You only see me every day.
*Mark wants to buy the pictures off Rachel for 30 dollars. Rachel refuses and Mark says Lisa won’t be picking them up anytime*
*Mark tries to ask out Rachel just to get her picture but she refuses and calls herself a dyke because Mark called her that earlier. He speeds off*
*Sheriff Kelton (Clint Jordan) brings Rachel in for questioning with Sue. Kelton reveals Lisa was distraught Eric used her. Rachel reveals that Lisa was bragging about losing her virginity. Sue brings Kelton outside and wants Eric arrested on statutory rape charges since he’s 18 and she was a freshman*
Warlock: That’s not rape, he’s a senior and she’s a freshman. Its fair game.
*Kelton doesn’t want to arrest Eric. Sue says he better because she doesn’t want someone else’s daughter jumping off a building*
Warlock: That’s strong.
*We get stick footage of Carrie with Carrie White (Sissy Spacek) being tortured in the shower*
Warlock: At least they’re establishing this as a sequel.
*Jesse bangs Tracy and doesn’t really care much as Mark, Eric, Camera Guy and sidekick cheer him on. Sidekick pukes as the car pulls away*
Warlock: Oh Jesus.
*Tracy flips off the car as they leave. In Jesse’s car, he laments about Lisa killing herself. Tracy “She wasn’t anybody.”
Warlock: Fuck you.
D: There’s your answer.
*Tracy asks Jesse to be her date for Mark’s party. He doesn’t really answer. Meanwhile Rachel starts moving stuff telekinetically as Stepfather gets home. He tells Rachel to get the dog*
Warlock: What do you want her to do about it?
*Jesse drops Tracy off and speeds away*
Warlock: He just blew her off totally.
D: I faked it the whole time.
*Walter the dog gets hit by a truck. Jesse drives up and Rachel screams for help, smashing his windshield with her power. He stops, loads them in the car and drives to the Animal Hospital. The vet (Gina Stewart) says the dog is banged up but will survive*
Warlock: Good thing Neyz didn’t see the dog get hit, but at least he’ll make it.
D: I love how the dog is looking around unhurt even though its supposed to be.
*Jesse takes Rachel to a diner and she has blood all over her*
Warlock: Looks like a mass murderer.
*Jesse and Rachel share bonding moments at the diner*
D: I like their chemistry more than Carrie and Tommy in the first movie.
*Rachel has dream of trying to save Lisa*
Warlock: Yeah, that kind of thing would fuck someone up the rest of their life.
*Ticking clock sound effect*
Warlock: On tonight’s 60 Minutes.
*Sue says Rachel’s mom is at Arkham*
D: Guess they couldn’t come up with anything original.
*Sue admits she was once a patient while trying to get over Carrie’s death. She asks about Rachel’s background. She stonefaces her. Sue tries to reason with her but she’s too distraught. She uses her power to move a coffee mug off the table. Sue says she didn’t even see her knock the mug off*
Warlock: She knows.
*Rachel uses her power to shut Eric’s locker. She says she knows what he did. He just walks away*
*Coach Walsh (Steven Ford) talks about smash mouth football as Eric tells Mark he needs the pictures*
Warlock: Heads not in the game, they’ll get their ass kid.
*Coach slaps Mark in the head and makes him drop his pants. Coach says after the half-ass block he made during the game he wants to see if there was a tampon up his ass*
Warlock: That’s hilarious but he’d never get away with that now.
*Sheriff Kelton confronts Eric at practice. Eric claims he’s never seen Lisa before in his life. Kelton holds up the picture of them together and says he’s lying*
D: “Uh that’s not me, that’s Brad from Home Improvement”
Warlock: Case dismissed.
*Jesse asks Rachel to meet her at the diner. Arnold walks up and asks what’s going on*
Warlock: Shut up Shitbreak.
*Arnold says Jesse is with Tracy who’s giving Rachel the look of a thousand deaths*
Warlock: Nice choice of words.
*Eric runs up to Mark and says he’s been suspended and his dad is going to kill him. The Sheriff is bringing him up on rape charges, he sees the judge on Thursday. Mark says they need to do damage control now*
Warlock: Brad is fucked.
*Someone knocks on Rachel’s door, Rachel calls out for her Stepfather who’s now known as Boyd (John Doe). We get black and white camera shots from outside*
Warlock: What’s with the black and white?
D: Trying to be edgy I guess.
*Football team fucks with Rachel by playing around by knocking on windows and doors*
Warlock: Oh I see what they’re doing.
*The phone rings and Rachel answers*
Warlock: Moe’s Tavern.
*Mark completely rips off Scream by saying “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Mark and Eric go to move in. Eric puts on brass knucks and says he’s going to beat the shit out of her. She uses her power to slam the window on Eric’s hand. Boyd and the stepmom return and the jocks run away. After things calm down Mark calls back and threatens her not to spill the beans on Eric*
Warlock: He’s fucked too if this gets out.
*Next day Rachel tries to blow off Jesse because she thinks he was involved. He tries to tell her he wasn’t as Tracy nearby bitches to her friend that there’s something wrong with Jesse. She says Tracy is caviar and Rachel is Cheese Wizz*
Warlock: Very poor choice of words.
*Jesse says he’ll talk to Mark and Rachel says forget it. Guys like him are supposed to date girls like Tracy, not her. Jesse is relentless and asks Rachel out again*
Warlock: At least he’s got some charm. Tommy had the personality of a glass of water.
*Sue tells Rachel they need to talk. Meanwhile Jesse confronts Mark in the locker and tells him to back off Rachel. Mark shouts that he’s gonna do what he can to protect Eric and Jesse says next time he’ll have to go through him. They shove each other and are separated by the team. Jesse says they’re not friends, just grew up together*
Warlock: I wanna see a fight.
*Sue quizzes Rachel about her power and when Rachel uses it to smash a Snowglobe on the desk. Sue has a flashback of Carrie going insane at prom*
Warlock: She was thrown out of the building,how did she know what happened?
*Jesse and Rachel share bonding moments in the rain*
Warlock: At least they’re trying some character development.
*Jesse kisses Rachel*
Warlock: He shoots he scores!!!!!
*Jesse’s boner pokes her in the back. She says she’s a virgin and doesn’t know how to say it. She says she wants her first time to be special, like come to her door with flowers. He asks what kind of flowers. She says daisies*
Warlock: You better do it, when you’re on the quest for the holy ass without looking like the assy hole.
*Sue visits Arkham Asylum and grills Barbara about who her father is. Barbara says its none of her business. Sue says Rachel is troubled and she’s worried. Sue asks Barbara if she knows about Rachel’s power, Barbara then starts saying she’s known all along. Barbara reveals Rachel’s father is Ralph White….Carrie White’s father*
Warlock: Half sisters.
*Sue confronts Rachel and brings her to the ruins of the old high school*
Warlock: That’s pretty cool for the movie’s effect…but Jesus Christ why didn’t they tear this down?
*Sue asks if Rachel knows Carrie White and Rachel says she knows the legend. Sue says what’s happening with Carrie is happening with Rachel. Sue finally says she’s not crazy, she’s got the same power as Carrie because her father is Carrie’s as well. Rachel blows her off*
Warlock: I love the contrast. Carrie White was a complete loser with a psychotic mom she lived with and Rachel’s mom is nuts but locked away and at least Rachel looks like she can kick someone’s ass. Nobody messes with her like they did with Carrie.
*Eric’s dad (Gordon Clapp) tries to tell Kelton and the assistant DA (Katt Shea) that Eric is a good kid and just had youthful transgressions. Kelton “Youthful transgressions?”
Warlock: I love how the cop is on Lisa’s side rather than Eric’s like in every other movie. How many times have we seen the former jock Sheriff protect the athletes. This is the first movie I can think of that its the other way around.
*The DA (Robert D Raiford) says to continue. Eric’s father says if Eric goes down, others will go with him. Eric’s dad names Chuck Potter (Eli Craig), Mark, Brad Winters (Justin Urich) as the co-conspirators. He says if they press rape charges, all of their lives are ruined. The DA says case dismissed because its election year and Eric’s dad is his biggest supporter*
Warlock: You gotta be kidding me.
*DA and Eric’s dad leave arm in arm. Eric winks at the asisstant DA and mock salutes Kelton before nonchalantly leaving*
Warlock: Unlike the first movie, I can’t wait to see everyone just fucking die.
*Jesse sits with Rachel and asks her to come to the game friday. Jesse says he needs her for luck as Tracy looks on pissed. Tracy says she’s pretty and counts, Rachel doesn’t count. Tracy says she wishes she could do something to make Jesse see the light. Mark gets an idea*
Warlock: Something is afoot.
*Jesse bench presses and Mark spots him. Mark tries to talk to him and Jesse says “Don’t fuck with me.” Mark admits he’s scum, a prick, an SOB and even Jesse laughs. Jesse says he’s not the one who needs an apology*
Warlock: They cut there?
*Rachel walks around jewelry store. Monica (Rachel Blanchard) tries to earn Rachel’s trust by saying Tracy tried to steal Brad from her. She puts lipstick on Rachel and begs her to go to the after party after the football game. She walks away and Monica swipes the lipstick for her*
Warlock: This is gonna suck.
*Mark runs up to Jesse and hands him cabin keys. Meanwhile we get a montage of Rachel getting pretty for Jesse and the game*
Warlock: Is it me or is this exactly like the first movie where Carrie and Tommy get ready for prom.
*Rachel walks out looking gorgeous yet with a stone cold look as Jesse picks her up with daisies*
Warlock: She looks like she’s going to kill somebody.
*Jesse tells Rachel about the party on Friday and they should go. Jesse starts making out with Rachel and she starts getting cold feet*
Warlock: They’re just as nervous as you.
*Jesse says they don’t have to fuck, they can do it whenever she’s ready. She says she must be crazy. Jesse says she’s the only sane one he knows. She then makes out with him more*
Warlock: Yeah really, this is MUCH better love plot than the first movie.
*Montage sex scene to piano music*
Warlock: I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m liking this better than the first movie.
D: Well, the original got to the point, not many creepy disturbing things have happened in this.
*Rachel sneaks back to her room but Boyd is waiting. He slaps her*
Warlock: Oh that’s bullshit.
*Boyd grounds her and threatens her with further harm*
Warlock: You want to talk rape, what about abuse?
*Entire team shaves their heads for the game…except Jesse*
Warlock: I did the same thing my freshman year of wrestling. I was one of two guys that didn’t shave my head.
*Sue confronts Barbara, she says she wants Barbara’s help to prevent Rachel from getting hurt*
Warlock: Wow, can they simply bail her out?
*Rachel watches the game with the dog as the game begins. Chuck gets popped on the opening kickoff*
Warlock: What a lousy kick return.
*Eric is thrown out of the game for hurting another player and the opposing team scores a TD*
Warlock: Hahahaha so he gets thrown out of the game anyway. He beats a rape charge only to get thrown out anyway.
*Carrie can take no more and leaves the room. Meanwhile Sue drives Barbara is still insane. Meanwhile at the game, with seconds left Jesse calls a pass play. Rachel runs out to the sideline as Jesse goes long. Jesse catches the hail mary pass for the winning touchdown*
Warlock: Yeah, saw that coming.
*Jesse is carried off the field by his teammates, he points to Rachel and even Tracy smiles. In the locker-room the scout that Eric wanted to be recruited by, talks to Jesse instead. Outside Brad says hi to Monica*
Warlock: I love the karma. Eric wanted to be recruited and it ended up being Jesse because he got himself thrown out of the game.
*Monica and Rachel get ready for the after party. Meanwhile Jesse’s car is destroyed. Tracy pulls up and offers him a ride*
D: ITS A TRAP!
*Sue pulls up with Barbara and asks some kid where Rachel is. The kid says she’s with Monica and Sue is concerned*
Warlock: Finally, let’s end this shit.
*Arnold is wasted outside the party. He wants his driver to do donuts in the lawn. Meanwhile Mark tells Eric to beat it as Rachel walks in. Mark offers Monica and Rachel some margaritas. Mark gives a fake apology and Brad says “No hard feelings” Rachel says “As long as you pour me a drink.”
Warlock: Yeah really she’s got more personality than Carrie.
*At Tracy’s house, she tries to throw herself at Jesse. Jesse initially resists. Meanwhile a really crappy song plays as everyone starts dancing*
Warlock: I can’t tell them apart now that they all shaved their heads.
*Mark puts on the tape of the game and they vulture around Rachel. They switch the tape around to Jesse banging Rachel and her being just a score*
Warlock: Oh this is gonna suck.
*Mark makes the reveal that this was a set up. Mark, Brad and Eric make fun of Lisa*
Warlock: You know, if Jesse stayed at Tracy;s house and Rachel snapped and killed everyone, Tracy saved her life.
*Everyone laughs at Rachel as Margaret White (Piper Laurie) says “They’ll all laugh at you”. Brad spots the tattoo on Rachel pulsating. Suddenly Rachel’s veins turn black and she starts wrecking the place*
Warlock: Now we’re getting somewhere.
*Rachel snaps and kills one person as Sue tries to get inside. Chuck runs for the door and Rachel uses a red hot poker to impale both Chuck and Sue through the door*
Warlock: Awwww, that was an accident to kill her.
D: Well she survived the first, you knew she wouldn’t have survived the second.
*Brad and Eric see that Rachel is doing the killing and they run for it. Meanwhile Arnold outside says “we’re witnessing a killer party”
*Mark, Eric and Monica get packed as Rachel sets the house on fire. Barbara prays to God*
Warlock: Did she just get it?
*Rachel stalks the trio of terror and they split for the pool. Rachel uses her power to smash Monica’s glasses and take her eyes out, and she shoots the harpoon through Eric’s nutsack into the pool. They both drop dead*
Warlock: OHHHH YEAHHHHHHHH
*Barbara cries out and Rachel is distracted long enough for Mark to shoot her with a flare gun. She falls in the pool and the water turns red. She grabs Mark and pulls him in. She closes the pool doors to knock Mark out as she cuts her way out. Mark drowns*
Warlock: Take that you piece of shit.
*Barbara finds Rachel by the pool. Barbara still thinks Rachel is a little girl. Barbara snaps and runs away after saying “the devil’s inside you”
D: What are the chances that her father married two insane Jesus freaks?
Warlock: That’s why he left.
*Jesse and Tracy walk into the party. Jesse cries out for Rachel. Rachel uses her power to drop a flaming pillar on Tracy. Jesse tries to reason with Rachel but Rachel won’t listen to him. Jesse says he loves her and at first she doesn’t believe him until the tape that’s still playing reveals Jesse whispered it to her when she was asleep. A roof falls and Rachel pushes Jesse out of the way and is crushed by roofing. Jesse tries to lift it off her*
Warlock: Come on man, you were doing the lifting earlier, get it off her.
*Rachel says she loves Jesse and he kisses her. His arm catches fire. She uses her power to toss him off her to the pool below. She dies*
Warlock: Well that’s depressing.
*Graphic reads One Year Later. Jesse’s arm is mangled from the fire as Walter the dog barks at him*
Warlock: How the hell did he end up with the dog?
D: Well she loved him, no way was Boyd going to take it.
D: Yeah I wish Rachel killed Boyd.
*Jesse imagines Rachel coming through his window. They kiss and she shatters into pieces*
Warlock: Nice primitive CGI
D: He’s losing his mind.
*Jesse looks at himself in the mirror, end credits*
Warlock: Depressing but par for the course.
Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 5 out of 10. It was 25 minutes too long, fuck. Wasn’t the worst sequel ever but it was basically the same movie only a little bit more edgy, starring Brad from Home Improvement.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I hate to say it but I had more fun with this movie than the first one. Maybe because I like edge, but I dug Rachel a lot more than Carrie White. Carrie was your sheltered, homely prude while Rachel was pretty badass and didn’t take any shit from anyone. I give it an 8.5 because the heels were far worse than the first movie and they got their comeuppance grizzlier than the first.
Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very good
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Now THAT was awesome. I know its pretty much the first movie just updated, but I dug the characters a lot more. The first movie the heels were classic bullies just looking to pull pranks and be mean, THESE heels are fucking criminals. That makes it that much better when Rachel finally kills them. The acting was solid even if the soundtrack sucked. All in all its worth a look if you’re into this sort of thing. I still say it would be cool to have Carrie and Rachel’s kind of power.
*D looks at Warlock totally shocked*
D: But…you….lightning…levitate…fire….ugh. Nevermind
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.