183. Roadkill (2011)

roadkill.jpg

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. He’s holding a World War 2 canteen of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: No, don’t adjust your TV set. Its me The Warlock…I’ll explain everything. Enter my lair…if you dare.

*Warlock walks inside*

Warlock: The 6 Pack Horror Collection that Mr. Wallstreet sent us has been a complete bust so far with just one movie to go. I figured switching outfits may be the answer to the bad karma we’ve gotten with all these stinkeroos.

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades*

America: I look completely ridiculous.

Warlock: You don’t think I don’t? At least I got style.

America: Yeah, for 60 years ago. The bright side is this torture is almost over. What do we have left?

Warlock: The sixth and final movie in this pack is Roadkill.

America: Roadkill?

Warlock: Yeah, the 2011 Sci-Fi special.

America; This stupid outfit switch idea better work because that name is very uninspiring.

Warlock: At this point I don’t give a damn, we got one movie left and we may as well end with a bang.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get started with Roadkill.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Six friends on a roadtrip to Ireland run afoul of gypsies who curse them for running over an old woman. The curse takes the form of a terrifying flying beast that tries killing them all.”

America: So I Know What You Did Last Summer has gone avian?

Warlock: So they’re basically combining Hostel, Thinner and the fucking gargoyle movie we saw earlier.

*Syfy presents*

America: Oh wonderful.

Warlock: All 6 are from Syfy, this is the first one that flat out says it.

 

*Opening graphic Roadkill*

America: We start with foliage and heavy breathing.

 

*Scared shitless dude is on the run from something*

America: I assume he’s trying to hide from something.

Warlock: I say he’s in trouble.

America: SO WHY…THE HELL…ARE YOU WEARING A BRIGHT YELLOW VEST THAT SCREAMS “over here, over here, over here!”

 

*Dude is picked up through the roof and carried away. Next we get a graphic of Dublin, Ireland*

Warlock: On the rocky road to Dublin one two three four five.

 

*2 girls contemplate moving to Ireland. One girl says she can still twirl a baton*

America: I hope this doesn’t turn into one of those cliche things where her baton twirling will save the day in the end.

Warlock: Can she twirl the baton and just hit me in the head instead?

 

*Girl says she and Ryan (Oliver James) broke up already. Anita (Roisin Murphy) says girl’s brother is hot*

Warlock: Her name is Roisin? Did someone forget how to spell Raisin?

America: She doesn’t look pruney enough to be a raisin.

 

*Bus drives by*

Warlock: Hope the bus blows up.

 

*Tommy (Kobna Holdbrook-Smith) is skeptical. Chuck (Diarmuid Noyes) and Brian drive the bus. Tommy is skeptical about the whole trip between Brian and the girl, now known as Kate (Kacey Clarke). Chuck says he’s gonna tap Kate*

Warlock: This is ridiculous.

 

*Joel (Colin Maher) is the brother of Kate. Kate and Anita introduce themselves. Suddenly Hailey (Eliza Bennett) appears and hugs Ryan. She awkwardly hugs Kate as well*

Warlock: Awkwarddddd

 

*Chuck says Hailey has nice bags*

Warlock: This dialogue makes me want to drink Drano.

 

*Ryan pulls over at a gas station*

Warlock: That wheelbarrow won best supporting actor.

America: No!

 

*Chuck grabs an exhaust pipe and says “I’m exhausted”

America: I really hope he dies first. I really do.

Warlock: Ahhhhhhh!

 

*Luca (Ned Dennehy) plays cards as Chuck insults everyone. Ryan and Kate talk outside*

Warlock: I hope he buries his face in her ass.

America: Huh?

 

*Tommy picks up a lighter*

America: Good grief.

 

*Tommy buys lighter for 10 euro’s from Luca*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*Ryan finds the garage and screams “hello”

America: This movie is dragging already.

Warlock: Drag me under a car, will you?

 

*Ryan finds a missing poster of the kid from the beginning of the movie. A dog barks at him*

Warlock: The dog won best supporting actor?

America: No.

 

*Anita buys a necklace for 100 Euro’s. Kate is bothered by a fortune teller (Stella McCusker). She tells her that Ryan is her true love. Teller has one mangled eye*

America: Woah

 

*Ryan walks up to Kate and Teller freaks out. She tells them they must go. Meanwhile back inside Anita figures out she’s been gypped when he puts a different necklace into her box. Chuck complains*

Warlock: This is going to end well….not.

 

*Luca tells Chuck to piss off. Chuck runs up and steals the real necklace. He runs into the winnebago and floors it…running over the Teller*

America: Uh…I’d say you hit someone.

Warlock: Nice going asshole.

America: Good job.

 

*Teller wakes up and curses everyone. Luca runs out and Ryan floors it, escaping the station*

Warlock:I assume this is where the shit hits the fan.

America: I’d say so.

 

*Joel says the cursed bird called the Roc is just a legend. It supposedly will come after them one by one*

America: I love how you say there’s no such thing as curses as a big fog shows up.

 

*The group freaks out but Ryan keeps driving*

America: Yeah, you’re gonna drive into a tree or something.

 

*Chuck says he can see a flying bird for real. Kate blames Hailey but a cross-eyed boy in the middle of the street gives the slit throat sign*

Warlock: What the hell is he doing here?

 

*The boy runs off as Anita walks outside. The Roc picks her up and flies away, dropping her outside*

America: You’re all fucked.

 

*Half of Anita’s face is ripped off as The Roc picks her up and flies away*

Warlock: Got call on the fucked.

 

*Everyone freaks out in the van. They want to know what it is*

America: You just said what it was 10 minutes ago.

 

*Chuck “I just saw Anita get killed by a giant bird and you want me to chill?”

Warlock: Yeah, just smoke some weed and forget it.

 

*Ryan swerves to avoid the Roc and blows a tire*

Warlock: Why didn’t they just run it over?

America: Because it wasn’t on the road! Can’t run it over if its not on the road.

 

*Ryan and Tommy play rock, paper scissors in order to find out who has to go out and change the tire*

Warlock: This is ridiculous….and we still got one hour to go.

 

*Ryan gives Tommy a walkie talkie and says keep in touch*

America: KEEP IN TOUCH?? You’re literally outside the window. You can get two tin cans and a string and still be within distance.

 

*Tommy goes to change the tire. Chuck hits on Hailey*

America: Oh god.

 

*The Roc sneaks up on Tommy and tweets. Tommy reaches for the flare and ignites it. Ryan walks up and Tommy’s face is half gone. They retreat to the van as the Roc carries Tommy away*

Warlock: Bye bye Tommy.

 

*Chuck and Ryan fight and Ryan freaks out. Kate says to stop freaking out. Ryan flicks the lighter and the Roc returns. Chuck can’t get the van started*

Warlock: Why won’t it start?

America: Oh wait, they started it.

 

*Van drives off with Roc close behind. Kate spots a house and they drive toward it. The Roc flies away as the 5 remaining kids walk toward the house. Ryan says “Hello”

Warlock: Cowbell logic?

America: Yup.

 

*Drina (Eve Macklin) is there with her family. She allows everyone in. Ryan asks if they can use the phone. Its an old rotary phone*

Warlock: That phone is older than I am.

 

*Luca barges in and blames everyone for the Teller’s death. Hailey says they’ve been cursed. Drina says only the Teller can lift it. Since she’s dead, they’re bird feed*

Warlock: Good point.

 

*Luca says he’s taking her to the woods. Kate says she knows where his medallion is. Its in a safe in the RV. Luca pulls a gun on Ryan as Drina escorts Kate to the van. Luca leads them to an area with several dead bodies strapped to wooden X’s*

America: OHHHH what?

 

*At the RV, Drina asks Kate where the mediallion is. Ryan, Chuck, Hailey and Joel are tied up and left for dead by Luca. Back at the RV, Kate kill Luca’s second in command and wrestles with Drina as the Roc arrives to the feeding grounds*

America: The bird is just wasting damn time.

 

*Kate runs up and unties everyone*

America: They’re tied up! Just go down and take them out!

 

*The Roc swoops in but stops when it sees the medallion and flies away*

Warlock: You notice that?

America: Yeah.

 

*Luca shoots and kills Hailey out of nowhere as he, another random gypsy and Drina chases the four remaining kids into the woods. Luca taunts them*

Warlock: Can it just kill him now?

 

*Ryan and Chuck makes a run for the RV as Joel and Kate keep running into the forrest. They spot hanging rabbits*

Warlock: That rabbit won best supporting actor.

America: THE RABBIT IS DEAD!

 

*Chuck notices Ryan’s been shot. He says to patch it up or it’ll be like leaving a trail of breadcrumbs for the gypsies. Luca and partner continue to bumble around*

Warlock: Who’s that?

America: That’s an extra.

 

*Kate tackles Chuck before they run off*

Warlock: Sacked at the five yard line.

 

*Chuck, Ryan and Joel make it to the RV but Drina drops Kate. The Roc makes its return and Drina begs for the medallion. Kate kicks Drina in the head and Ryan steals her gun. Drina begs for it as Kate figures out the medallion is protection from the Roc. Right on cue, Roc attacks Drina*

America: So you have the RV for cover and you run into an open field with no cover? What the hell were you thinking?

 

*Joel tries to patch up Ryan. They all take swigs of Guinness*

Warlock: I need a swig

 

*Kate says the medallion has protective powers. Chuck says no wonder they wanted it back. Joel says the Roc can’t be killed. Kate and Ryan make up*

Warlock: Awww, isn’t that sweet.

 

*Ryan says he’ll run outside and go for help as Kate kisses him much to Chuck’s dismay. The Roc appears as the RV drives off leaving Ryan behind to run through the woods.The Roc chases the RV. Ryan makes it to a phone but the police station gives them the runaround. The Roc knocks around the RV. A finch lands on the mirror and scares Chuck*

Warlock: Tweet tweet.

 

*Roc busts through the window as Kate makes a flamethrower with a lighter and  Roc flies away. Joel remembers fire can harm it. They run to the phone and find it covered in blood. Ryan is nowhere to be found. Joel, Chuck and Kate hide in the crapper*

Warlock: That toilet stall won best supporting actor.

America: Yeah, you know how much shit that thing has seen.

Warlock: Glad we finally agreed.

 

*Kate and Joel mourn the loss of Ryan as Kate admits she cheated on him. Joel admits he cheated to get into school. Chuck says his cousin touched him*

Warlock: Good grief its too late for character development.

 

*Joel “Was it a guy or a girl?” Chuck “Dude, you think I’d have a problem if it were a girl?”

Warlock: Grossss.

 

*Seamus (Stephen Rea) shows up and pulls a gun on the trio. He takes the medallion and leaves them for the Roc. Seamus says he’s cursed too. He made a deal with Luca that if he gives the kids to the Roc, his curse will be lifted. Suddenly Kate goes to down with a twirl attack*

Warlock: There ya go?

America: Uhhhhhhhhh

 

*The trio overpowers Seamus and knock him out. Kate gets in the patrol car and the Roc chills behind the car*

America: Doesn’t she have the medallion?

Warlock: Ripping off Jurassic Park here.

 

*The radio cracks which alerts the Roc to the patrol car*

Warlock: 18 minutes of torture left.

 

*Joel rescues Kate from the car but he drops the medallion. He picks it up and tosses it to Kate as the Roc grabs Joel and carries him away. Kate freaks completely out as Chuck drags her away. They get in the RV and Chuck floors it, running over and killing Seamus*

Warlock: Serves him right…although they cheated the Roc out of a kill.

 

*Chuck and Kate share bonding moments*

Warlock: Its a bit late for this. By the way, why is he still alive? The boyfriend is gone, the brother is gone…he had no ties to Kate. Talk about shitty writing.

 

*Chuck says he’d like to be a father some day but also would like a three way. All of a sudden Kate gets a phone call, its Ryan. The line is cut so Kate runs out of the RV looking for a signal. Chuck and Kate run into the forest where they find Luca with Ryan’s phone. Luca leads Kate to the Roc’s nest. Everyone’s dead including Ryan and Joel. Kate pukes. Chuck points the shotgun at Luca’s head. He tells Luca to beat it*

Warlock: Why didn’t he just shoot him?

 

*Chuck tells Kate they have to go. He opens his hand out and she grabs the shotgun, pointing it at him. She cocks it and tells him to go. The Roc approaches and Chuck runs for it*

America: Who has the medallion?

 

*Chuck wanders back to the RV as Kate stays in the nest with Ryan. She smears her face with Ryan’s blood*

Warlock: She’s lost it folks.

 

*Chuck makes it to the RV as Kate goes berserk with the shotgun until the Roc wipes her out. Chuck puts on his hat and drives off*

Warlock: Guess he had the medallion.

 

*Now the only one left, Chuck pounds the dashboard and says it was a friggen accident. He then calls his father and says he can’t explain but he loves mom and Johnny is a butt-head. He continues to rant and hangs up after saying Corey touched me in 5th grade*

Warlock: Where was this an hour ago? I’m falling asleep here.

 

*Chuck makes it to the gas station where the trouble all started*

America: Right back where we started.

 

*Luca walks out as Chuck fills the gas tank. Luca pulls a gun on him and asks for the medallion. Chuck leaves the gas running on the ground as he tosses the medallion in font of Luca. The Roc approaches and Luca says its Chuck’s turn to feed the bird. Chuck runs inside, grabs the lighter as the Roc crashes through the windshield. He makes it outside and throws the lighter into the gas, blowing up the station, RV and Luca*

Warlock: Shitty CGI right there.

 

*Chuck is knocked down and rolls over. The Roc approaches. Chuck “Oh crap”  End credits*

Warlock: We’ve hope you’ve enjoyed no moral theater.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 2. Its just terrible

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 3. Pretty damn crappy but not the worst I’ve ever seen. They attempted character development but the CGI and the plot were abysmal.

Final Grade: 2.5 out of 10 – Abysmal.

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Oh my good god, its over….not just this movie, but the 6 Pack. Its over….thank fucking god its over. The next time Mr. Wallstreet sends us one of these things, Im gonna ship it back with a bomb attached to it.

America: I say we go down to Florida and just beat the crap out of him.

Warlock: I like that idea better. Let’s go!

*Warlock and America leave the lair….15 seconds later they walk back in*

Warlock: Shit, we forgot to change clothes.

America: Yeah really.

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

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