182. Sand Serpents (2009)

sand

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a white t-shirt, leather jacket, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce glass of Pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock lowers his heads and dims the lights before walking inside*

Warlock: Mr. America and I need to make Mr. Wallstreet step outside for sending us the abomination known as the 6 Pack Horror Collection. We’ve gone through four movies and only one of them has been any good.

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: Any good? I’d settle for just plain bad…these are HORRIBLE.

Warlock: Well I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.

America: Ok, Barrett, what is it?

Warlock: Our movie tonight, and fifth in the pack, is Sand Serpents.

America: Sand…serpents.

Warlock: That’s what it says.

America: Did I divebomb the wrong town in a previous life to have to suffer through all this?

Warlock: Oh hold out some hope, maybe this will be good.

America: The Cleveland Browns have a better chance of winning a game this season.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get this over with, Sand Serpents.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A small band of US soldiers are stranded in the Afghanistan Desert, but it ain’t the Taliban worrying them, its the refugees from Tremors.”

America: Wait, so this is a knockoff of Tremors?

Warlock: Sounds like it.

America: Really?? Refugees from Tremors?

Warlock: Yeah.

America: Um, there’s a law known as COPYRIGHT! How the hell did they make the graboids somehow surface in Afghanistan. They hardly look like graboids. They look more like the sandworm from Beetlejuice.

Warlock: Movie hasn’t even started and we’re off on the wrong foot.

 

*Movie opens with opening credits and stock footage of soldiers in Afghanistan*

Warlock: Fastest opening credits ever.

America: Yes.

 

*7 soldiers take position by an oil drilling facility. Blonde girl says it looks deserted. Bates (Duma Iulian) has point*

America: Its the opening of the movie, not going to be a ghost town much longer. Otherwise it would be a horrible set up.

 

*Kaminsky (Sebastian Knapp) says he has a bad feeling about this. Sgt Wilson (Chris Jarman) scoffs. Team moves out, blonde girl is Jan Henle (Tamara Hope). Private Andrews (Elias Toufexis) moves out*

America: Oh wait, we forgot some credits.

Warlock: That are on the screen for exactly one second.

 

*Kaminsky banters with Andrews who won’t shut up*

America: Can the Serpents kill these guys already.

 

*Andrews continues to complain. He calls the driller a waste of space*

Warlock: He looks like an overweight Elijah Wood.

 

*Eno (Michelle Asante) tells Andrews to shut up. Wilson tells them to cut the chatter and spread out*

Warlock: Are they supposed to spread out like that. They kinda look like sitting ducks.

America: I don’t know but you know I hate splitting up.

 

*Lt Stanley (Jason Gedrick) walks by a Taliban hideout. They open fire. Morales (Viscreanu Constantin) is hit in the leg. A host of Taliban run out and start shooting*

Warlock: Did they magically spawn like out of a Borderlands game?

 

*Bates is killed by a grenade. The soldiers are pinned down where nobody hits nobody. A grenade blows and it wakes up the sand serpents*

Warlock: CGI serpents.

 

*A grenade goes off and people are taken hostage*

Warlock: So if his team is dead, why are we supposed to care when the sand serpents attack?

America: They’re not all dead.

 

*Stanley, Andrews, Kaminsky, Wilson, Henle and Eno are still alive*

Warlock: So only Morales and Bates are dead?

 

*A tremor rocks the hideout, Henle says its an Earthquake*

America: That’s no earthquake.

 

*Taliban opens fire as a loud growl occurs. Andrews says earthquakes don’t growl like that. The firing stops*

Warlock: Well that was easy.

 

*An ant crawls across the camcorder*

Warlock: That ant won best supporting actor.

America: An ant? I disagree.

 

*Team cuts themselves loose and removes the blindfolds*

America: How did they get themselves free so easy?

Warlock: Horrible hostage taking.

 

*Stanley grabs an axe*

Warlock: What about the axe? Is that the best supporting actor?

America: No!

 

*Stanley finds nothing outside*

Warlock: No blood, no guns, no bodies.

 

*The 6 soldiers walk outside*

America: They’re investigating.

 

*Andrews notices Morales and Bates’ bodies are gone. Andrews “There’s something out here. I heard it.”

Warlock: Maybe the camcorder is the best supporting actor.

America: No.

 

*Wilson watches the camcorder footage of the serpents attacking*

Warlock: This is right out of Rise of the Gargoyles.

 

*Stanley says to pick up supplies if its there. Andrews protests but Wilson shuts him up. Eno says there’s a truck nearby but Stanley says there’s a bullseye on it*

Warlock: The truck?:

America: NO! Shut up already.

 

*Henle says Stanley’s history of running away is showing. Stanley says is its strategic retreat*

America: Oh boy, character development.

 

*Eno finds an AK-47 with blood on it*

America: Yes its blood.

 

*Henle finds two grenades*

America: Probably gonna need more than that to take on the sand serpents.

Warlock: You know this reminds me of a video game where when you first start out and have to find a basic weapon to fight your way out of whatever pickle you’re in?

 

*Andrews finds another AK and cocks it as a serpent looks nearby. He sees it but nobody else notices it. He’s skeptical. They still move out*

Warlock: Can they pilfer faster?

 

*Wilson finds a pistol as Kaminsky is sad they took his wallet with the kids’ pictures in it. Wilson gives him a pep talk to get up and fight so he can get home to his kids*

Warlock: Wow, development. I’m stunned.

 

*Wilson tells Kaminsky to keep his kids faces in his brain, if he gets captured, they can’t take that away from him*

Warlock: An astonishing good line.

*Henle says the radio isn’t working. All they have are two grenades, two grenades and a pistol. Stanley pulls out a map and say they’re gonna go to the extract point. Kaminsky and Stanley have the grenades, Henle has the pistol, Eno, Wilson and Andrews have the AK’s. They move out*

Warlock: At least they’re going for realism.

 

*Wilson asks Stanley how they are going to report this. Right on cue a chopper approaches as an earthquake rumbles*

America: Looks like a black hawk.

 

*A giant sand serpent comes out of the ground and grabs the chopper, destroying it. Wilson “Whatever that was it just smoked a black hawk right out of the sky”

America: That wasn’t a black hawk! Oh ho ho you douchebag that was NOT a Black Hawk.

Warlock: Yes it was.

America: No it isn’t….at all. That’s an EH-101

Warlock: Don’t mean an ED-209?

America: I’m gonna kill you and feed you to these sand serpents.

 

*Team runs for it as the serpents approach*

Warlock: Oh boy, a chase scene.

America: I’m not impressed.

 

*Wilson draws the serpent away and tells everyone else to get inside the hideout. Team shoots randomly with nothing appearing to be inside. Serpent eats and kills Wilson. Andrews says they should have listened to him. Stanley says to shut up because its attracted to sound*

Warlock: Ok, so just tiptoe your way home, you’ll make it.

 

*Henle says the drills woke up an ancient species. Andrews “We just opened up a giant can of worms”

Warlock: This dialogue sucks.

 

*Stanley says to hightail it to the refugee camp. Andrews doesn’t want to walk. Stanley says to go for the truck. Andrews says it grabbed a chopper out of the sky, there’s no way a truck can outrun it. Eno says she can hotwire it. Andrews is impressed. She needs a minute to wire it. Stanley says he pulls her in two minutes*

Warlock: Will you stop?

America: I’m not hitting anything.

Warlock: I’ll have you taken out of here.

 

*Eno and Stanley tiptoe outside*

Warlock: Please tell me we’re at least 20 minutes into it.

America: 28, you’re aggravated already?

Warlock: Great, one hour left to suffer through.

 

*Eno goes to hotwire it but the tremors begin*

Warlock: They didn’t even make any noise.

 

*Kaminsky, Henle and Andrews run out. Everybody piles in the car as Andrews throws some racist insults at her. Eno gets it started and tells Andrews to kiss her ass. The serpent rises out of the ground*

Warlock: Wonderful….what do you think?

America:Meh.

 

*Andrews apologizes for being out of line*

Warlock: I need to find the writers of this movie and kick them in the shin.

 

*Some kid runs into the middle of the road and Eno flips the truck*

America: Nice job.

 

*Amal (Jonas Khan) says the girl saved their lives as the road is mined up ahead. Meanwhile Eno is trapped underneath the truck. Stanley tries to dig her out as the tremors begin. Stanley “Why can’t it leave us alone?”

America: What kind of movie would that be?

Warlock: Yeah, it just goes away, movie’s over a half hour into it.

America: Thing wakes up “Eh, I’m still full from the last person I ate. I’m going back to sleep” The End. What kind of movie would that be?

 

*Amal asks what is it as Andrews says you have to see it to believe it. Eno tells them to go on without her. Andrews pulls Kaminsky away and Eno tells Stanley to get out of there. They run for it as Eno is eaten*

Warlock: Could have at least shot the gas tank or something.

 

*Amal leads Stanley, Kaminsky, Andrews and Henle into the refugee camp*

America: Isn’t friendly??? That’s an understatement.

*Asala (Andreea Paduraru) says the Taliban will be back soon. Amal says they are not safe there. They have an old radio but it doesn’t work.

Warlock: Nothing ever works.

 

*Amal leads them to the armory. Kaminsky sees Isla (Patricia Lavina Coscai) and plays the father figure*

Warlock: Nice development.

 

*Everyone gets packed as Amal leads them to an old truck*

Warlock: Is that truck best supporting actor?

America: No!

Warlock: What about the tires on the truck?

America: NOOO!

 

*Henle says they can’t fix the truck but she can use the parts to fix the radio at the mining camp. Amal and Isla want to come too. Amal says the others will not come with them until their sons return. Asala refuses. Stanley says Amal and Isla are coming with them. Andrews complains and Stanley calls him a pain in the ass*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Kaminsky asks if they can’t fix the radio, then what? Stanley says go down fighting*

Warlock: I hope so.

 

*Henle gets the truck working long enough so they can go back to the mining camp. On their way back, they spot the serpents approaching. There’s at least 3 of them. They start heaving grenades and shooting randomly*

Warlock: Maybe the steering wheel is the best supporting actor?

America: What??? No!

 

*Andrews tosses an IED bomb and the serpents stop following*

Warlock: So an IED can stop it?

 

*The truck runs out of gas 100 yards from the camp, They grab supplies and run for it*

Warlock: That crate on the ground, is that best supporting actor?

America: No!

 

*The serpent pops up over the hideout. Stanley tosses an IED and blows it up*

Warlock: One down, two to go.

America: I’d say the building they’ve been hiding in half the movie won best supporting actor.

Warlock: Hmmm, you could be right.

 

*Andrews continues to complain*

America: Just slap him already.

 

*Stanley says they’re gonna hunker down there. Amal “Never in my life have I seen such a beast.”

Warlock: Ha!

 

*Stanley asks Amal’s help navigating the map. Meanwhile Andrews says to Kaminsky he doesn’t trust Amal. Kaminsky says he doesn’t trust Andrews either. Andrews says he’d never shoot him in the back, Kaminsky says he knows because Andrews is a lousy shot*

Warlock and America: Heh!

 

*Kaminsky and Amal share bonding moments*

Warlock: I admire the movie at least trying to get us to care about these characters.

 

*Kaminsky tells Amal to keep his son’s face in his head so he remembers it no matter what*

America: You’re right there, definitely trying to make us care about these people.

 

*Henle and Stanley banter back and forth about how she outranks him*

Warlock: Alright, can we progress the story now?

 

*Henle gets the radio working but there’s too much interference. They need a better antennae*

Warlock: I may have to say the chain won best supporting actor.

America: What?

Warlock: No the radio won.

America: How?

Warlock: It’ll save their lives.

 

*Colonel Jones (Bryan Jardine) says there will be no evac due to heavy fighting. Henle says they need immediate evac and Jones refuses. Stanley says they’re under attack from Taliban and 100 foot long worm creatures*

Warlock: Not gonna end well.

 

*Jones refuses to send evac. Henle then says they got diamonds here. Jones pauses and says evac is on its way*

Warlock: Good old American way…bribe someone.

 

*A grenade blows randomly and drops Kaminsky with shrapnel. The Taliban are here*

Warlock: As if they needed more bullshit.

 

*Andrews blames Amal for leading them here. Andrews is insistent Amal led them here. Stanley says this is their cavalry. Soldiers shoot back but are outnumbered. Kaminsky won’t stop screaming*

Warlock: Shut him up.

 

*Stanley catches a grenade in mid air and throws it back at them. It blows and takes out the RPG guy*

America: Right……

 

*Andrews is tagged as the tremors begin*

America: What took the thing so long?

 

*The serpents wipe out the Taliban. Andrews “Holy crap they’re kicking their asses out there” Meanwhile Kaminsky is dying*

America: First time for everything.

 

*Amal says to make a break for the mine. Amal and Stanley pull Kaminsky up. Isla, Henle, Kaminsky, Amal, Stanley and Andrews make a run for it. The serpents are on their way*

Warlock: They don’t make it, movies over.

America: We’ve already been over this.

 

*Serpent busts out of ground, they drop Kaminsky. They find a cave to hide in as Kaminsky is eaten*

Warlock: Great, the good guy dies and the antagonist lives.

 

*Andrews is mad Amal is leading them underground. Henle and Stanley yell at him. Amal “You know we’re not all terrorists” Henle tells Amal to lead on*

Warlock: You know if he DOES turn heel, this would be so cliche.

America: Yup.

 

*Stanley finds an armory. They re-pack themselves. Henle “This is the reason the war won’t end*

Warlock: Sad but true.

 

*Amal finds a c4 strap. Andrews says he can teach them how to use it*

Warlock: WOWWWWWW.

 

*Amal says to go right, Stanley spots an exit. Amal says not to go that way. Isla and Amal argue over which way to get to the quarry. Even Stanley starts to get suspicious*

Warlock: Yeah, they’re really setting something up.

 

*Stanley pulls Amal aside and asks if this is really the way out. Amal opens the door and leads everyone through. The door closes behind them. Amal then steps on a landmine but it doesn’t blow. Stanley says they’ll try to diffuse it but Amal says to take care of Isla and blows himself up*

Warlock: Wow, that was even worse.

 

*The crew is trapped until Stanley spots an air vent. Only Isla can fit through*

Warlock: This movie has the magical ability of slowing down time.

America: You REALLY want this one to end huh? This is setting a record of your level of anticipation for it to end. Usually its me who complains, this is a new level for you.

 

*Isla goes into the vent as Andrews. Stanley and Henle remain behind. The tremors start as Andrews asks what they did to deserve this. Isla makes it to the surface*

Warlock: How are they going to end this?

 

*Isla spots the Taliban nearby*

Warlock: Oh Jesus Christ.

 

*Isla sneaks up on Taliban and is taken hostage. Meanwhile Andrews says he doesn’t want to die like this. The serpents attack the Taliban*

Warlock: So this is how the war ended? All the Taliban were eaten by graboids?

America: Huh? I’m gonna say an emphatic NO!

 

*Isla runs back and opens the door just as a serpent eats Andrews*

Warlock: And there goes this movie’s Hudson.

 

*Isla, Stanley and Henle run out as the Taliban continue to shoot at the two worm outside. The worms finish off the Taliban*

Warlock: You sure? They just took care of the Taliban.

America: Are you SERIOUSLY asking if the worms ended the war in real life?

Warlock: Yes I am.

America: Oh my god….NO!

 

*Henle says they can grenade the worms to death*

America: I need to find something to beat some sense into you.

 

*Stanley straps himself with c4. Henle says not to do that. Stanley says if he’s going down, he’s not gonna end up eaten by a maggot*

Warlock: So you know that will be the ending.

 

*Stanley throws a grenade and the two worms follow them*

Warlock: All the world is a stooge!

America: You’ve really lost it.

 

*Isla, Stanley and Henle are cut off by a serpent. They shoot at it*

America: Are you trying to get killed? Just stop moving.

 

*Stanley pulls Isla and Henle close, about to detonate the c4 when a chopper shoots a serpent with a missile. They touch down and pick up the trio. A serpent goes to attack and Stanley dives out the chopper, pulling the c4 chord and blows himself up along with the worm*

Warlock: Did he seriously just do that?

America: Yeah, and there’s still one worm left to terrorize the world.

 

*End credits*

Warlock: That’s it????

America: That’s an unforgivable ending.

Warlock: The only character left we should care about blows himself up and still leaves one worm.

America: You have the two worms exposed and they only shoot one measly rocket just to piss it off. It scared it away for a few seconds. That pisses me off. That’s like looking at a dam with 10 holes in it, plugging one and saying you’re good. NO, THAT’S NOT GOOD! The problem still persists. AND WE STILL HAVE ONE WORM LEFT. I hate this movie.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 2 out of 10. I hate this movie. It sucks

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 1.5. This was absolute crap. The character development was completely wasted when the deaths meant nothing most of the time. The only ones you care about die for nothing AND WE STILL GOT ONE DAMN WORM LEFT. The writer of this movie needs to be beaten senseless.

Final Grade: 1.5 out of 10 – Almost the worst of all time.

 

America: Hopefully the one worm that got away ate the writer so we never have to see another piece of garbage he wrote.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch and chucks a drink coaster at the tv&

Warlock: Of all the worthless hunks of junk we’ve seen, I’ve never been more pissed off. You had great character development ruined on a shitty plot, shittier ending and absolutely mind boggling writing. ….and we’ve got an even bigger problem.

America: What’s that?

Warlock: *Holds up the final DVD* We still have one to go.

*America sprawls and sinks lower in the recliner*

America: Ohhhhhh, good god.

Warlock: I need to take a sledgehammer to Wallstreet’s head as soon as the last movie is over. This one was inexcusable. Have a god damned shitty evening.

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