186. A Christmas Story (1983)

christmas

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers, gagroyle shades and an Ebeneezer Scrooge top hat. He’s holding a tea kettle of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host Ebeneezer Warlock….bah, humbug!

*Warlock walks inside the lair with his nose in the air*

Warlock: Merry Christmas from here at the Realm. Tonight we take a look at a movie I have never seen before, A Christmas Story.

*Mr. America is in the recliner dressed as Santa Clause complete with fake beard*

America: Still don’t know how the hell you’ve never seen before.

Warlock: When I was a kid my go-to Christmas movies were Home Alone 1 and 2, Miracle on 34th Street, A Muppet Christmas Carol, Its A Wonderful Life, Scrooged and Die Hard. Christmas Story was not one of them.

America: Well there’s a first time for everything, let’s get this started already.

Warlock: Geez, I thought I was the one with the bad attitude.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get started with A Christmas Story.

 

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “In the 1940’s, a young boy named Ralphie attempts to convince his parents, his teacher, and Santa that a Red Ryder B.B. gun really is the perfect Christmas gift.”

America: Thank God Clinton isn’t his parent.

 

*Movie opens with credits and Deck The Halls*

Warlock: Tis the season to waste money, fa la la la, la la la laaaaa

America: Sometimes I think you need to be declared legally braindead.

 

*Old Ralphie (Jean Shepherd) is telling the movie through flashback. Young Ralphie (Peter Billingsley) is running in the street*

Warlock: This movie’s a fucking flashback?

America: No shit Sherlock!

 

*More credits with jugband playing Deck The Halls*

Warlock: Is that you playing the tuba?

America: Hell no!!

 

*Carolers sing a song*

Warlock: That looks like Ron Jeremy on steroids.

 

*Higbees corner window is the high watermark of the Christmas season*

Warlock: Kirby Higbe?

America: I want the airplanes.

 

*Scott Farkus tells Ralphie to check out the trains*

Warlock: No, you want the trains instead.

America: No!

Warlock: What about the tank?

America: I’ll take that too.

 

*Ralphie looks at the Red Ryder air rifle and says its the greatest thing he’s ever seen*

Warlock: This was before The Rifleman right?

America: In the movie’s setting, I think so.

 

*Randy (Ian Petrella) and Ralphie are brothers that fight*

Warlock: Its you and Mr Wallstreet

America: Uhhh…no.

 

*Ralphie puts an ad for the air rifle in her Look magazine*

Warlock: Look….precursor to People.

 

*Mother Parker (Melinda Dillon) says Victor is the name of the Lone Ranger’s nephew’s horse*

Warlock: That IS correct.

 

*Old Man Parker (Darren McGavin) talks about the crossword puzzle and Ralphie says Flick (Scott Schwartz) saw grizzly bears outside the door*

Warlock: WHAT?

 

*Mother ask Ralphie wants he want for Christmas. Ralphie says the air rifle. She says he’ll shoot his eye out*

Warlock: How could you possibly shoot your eye out.

America: Uh…horribly mishandling a rifle.

Warlock: But you’re shooting at someone, I can see shooting someone else’s eye out, but not your own.

America: Nevermind.

 

*Ralphie has a daydream of burglars invading the house and he fends them off in full cowboy outfit with an air rifle*

Warlock: You know, if burglars were attacking the house, I don’t think a BB gun would scare them off.

America: No, they wouldn’t!

Warlock: Even in Home Alone it didn’t work.

America: Burglars don’t even need a bulletproof vest, all they need is a heavy jacket and the BB’s would bounce off.

 

*Ralph’s dream has his family asking him for help*

America: I don’t like this kid already.

Warlock: This was supposed to be the 1940’s?

 

*Ralphie shoots burglars with air rifle and they drop dead like its a real gun*

America: That dude is climbing a tree to get away.

Warlock: God damn burglars are so incompetent.

 

*Old Man Parker bitches and moans about life*

Warlock: He was the father in Billy Madison.

 

*Furnace blows. Parker “Dad gummit. WHO THE HELL TURNED IT ALL THE WAY DOWN AGAIN?”

Warlock: Hahahahahhaa

 

*Old Ralphie “Getting ready for school was like getting ready for extended deep sea diving”

Warlock: A Christmas Story: The Abyss!

America: The kid’s not ready,he isn’t a mummy yet.

 

*Randy can’t pull his arms down because he’s got too many layers*

Warlock: Are you kidding me? It can’t be THAT cold.

America: Is the kid still screaming?

Warlock: Yup

America: He makes a great scarecrow.

 

*Flick knocks over Randy who can’t get up*

America: So you’re a turtle now?

Warlock: He can get up just fine. I love how Ralphie has books but Randy doesn’t.

 

*Ms Shields (Tedde Moore) tells the kids to take their seats*

Warlock: Where do I put it?

America: Shaddup.

 

*Entire class has fake teeth as a prank*

Warlock: I’d love to see a kid be like “No these are my real teeth, OWWWWWWW”

 

*Silas Marner*

America: What? She claimed a book about aviation.

 

*A triple dog dare by Schwartz has Flick sticking his tongue to a pole*

Warlock: Who does that?

 

*Flick actually gets stuck, the kids just run away back to school*

America: Don’t just stand there, help him you morons?

 

*Ralphie “The bell rang!”

America: Tell someone you dumbass?

 

*Miss Shields asks where Flick is. Old Ralphie “Flick? Flick who?”

Warlock: What the hell kind of a name is that?

 

*Shields looks out the window and sees Flick still stuck to the pole. “Oh my god”

Warlock: Look at Shields’ butt.

America: What? No!!

 

*Schwartz: “Its the fire department! Its the cops!” Ralphie is sitting at his desk*

Warlock: If only he was reading the newspaper.

 

*Flick staggers back to his seat in class*

America: All I can say is you better not ask him any questions.

 

*Shields says Flick refused to give up who put him up to it*

America: Of course he couldn’t, who could understand him?

Warlock: *Stands up* IT WAS AMERICA!!

America: It wasn’t me!

 

*Shields wants the kids to write a theme. They complain. Shields “What you want for Christmas” Ralphie is excited*

Warlock: Yeah imagine writing that down now. “I want a gun for christmas”

America: Uhhhhh

 

*Flick, Schwartz and Ralphie hear Scott laughing maniacally*

Warlock: Maniacal laugh.

 

*Scott Farkus had yellow eyes. He screams and the kids run away*

Warlock: All he’s doing is doing a Bozo imitation.

 

*Grover Dill (Yano Anaya) chases the kids as Scott knocks Randy down. Old Ralphie “Randy laid there like a slug, it was his only defense”

America: A slug? More like a possum. A slug implies he was trying to get away slowly. He’s not moving.

Warlock: What about the Chewbacca defense?

America: How does THAT play into this?

Warlock: Well he could bore him to death explaining.

 

*Scott makes Schwartz say uncle. Old Ralphie “You were a bully, a toady or a nameless rabble of victims”

Warlock: The toady was shorter than the other kids. I would have stomped him.

*Old Man Parker is attacked by dogs. Old Ralphie “Aha, the Bumpus hounds. Da da da da! They had at least 785 smelly hound dogs. They ignored every other human being except my old man.”

Warlock: Hahahahahahahaha

*Old Man Parker sings and dances that he won*

Warlock: He probably won a cup of coffee or something.

*Mother Parker “How are they going to send a Bowling Alley in one night?”

Warlock: They snapped their fingers and it appeared

America: What are you talking about?

*Randy hasn’t eaten voluntarily in 3 years*

Warlock: He looks like Donatello

America: I doubt that.

*Mother uses psychology to get Randy to eat dinner like a pig*

Warlock: He should have been named Bacon.

America: How is that supposed to make sense? The kid is making a mess.

Warlock: This is going on way too long.

America: Ok, it may have been cute the first couple of seconds, but seriously, stop.

*A knock on the door signals the arrival of his package. Delivery dude has no idea what’s in the box*

Warlock: What is that, a coffin?

America: You’re calling THAT a coffin?

*Parker “Fra-Gel-ley, must be Italian”

Warlock: What a moron!

*Parker opens up the box, throws back the hay….and pulls out a small lamp in the shape of a leg*

Warlock: Why the giant crate for that?

America: I’m wondering the same thing.

*Mother doesn’t like it, Ralphie does*

Warlock: Now what’s he gonna do with the fucking crate?

*Parker plugs in the lamp in the overcrowded outlet.The fuse blows and the house goes dark. Parker “Its alright, its alright”

America: Oh yeah, that isn’t a fire hazard.

Warlock: They could always hold their nose.

*Ralphie plays along with Parker. Mother doesn’t like it*

Warlock: We’re about a half hour in and I really don’t see how this is supposed to be famously funny.

*Swede (Bob Clark) is amazed that Parker won the lamp*

Warlock: Heh, he directed this movie.

*Ralphie listens to Little Orphan Annie on the radio*

Warlock: Not exactly Ryan Seacrest.

*Ralphie hands Shields his theme paper. He has a daydream of Shields dressed as an 1800’s British schoolmarm giving everyone an F except Ralphie*

Warlock: This is ridiculous. I’m gonna take my pants off.

America: I’m gonna leave the room if you do that.

*Ralphie is carried away on Flick’s shoulders as everyone cheers*

America: No! Not even close.

Warlock: Is this where the writers of Doug got their inspiration.

*Grover and Scott chase the boys away*

Warlock: Alright this is getting old too.

 

*Parker and the family goes tree shopping*

Warlock: Bring a chainsaw.

America: Why???

 

*Tree salesmen (Leslie Carlson) tries to tell family that trees are built to last*

America: If he was trying to sell me that the tree was made, I would have walked away.

Warlock: No you wouldn’t have, you would have put a turban on your head, bowed down and thanked him.

America: No I wouldn’t have you ignominious fool! With the quality of those trees, the better question is “Is he selling firewood?”

 

*Ralphie, Randy and Mother sing Jingle Bells badly*

Warlock: That’s not singing, they’re just screaming loudly. I feel bad for the actor who has to listen to multiple takes of this.

 

*The tire blows on Parker’s car*

Warlock: What did he run over, a fucking railroad spike?

America: I don’t know.

 

*Mother makes Ralphie help Old Man*

Warlock: He gets run over, movie’s over.

America: HA!

 

*Ralphie held the hubcap with the bolts on it and it was knocked out of his hand. Ralphie “Oh fudge.” Old Ralphie “Except I didn’t say fudge, I said THE word.”

Warlock: POW! BING! WHAP!

 

*Old Man rats out Ralphie. Later Ralphie has a bar of soap in his mouth. Old Ralphie says he became a connoisseur of soap over the years*

Warlock: Ha!

 

*Ralphie rats out Schwartz as the one who told him the F word. Schwartz mom beats him senseless*

Warlock: That would be funny if it wasn’t eerily truthful to how parents worked back then.

 

*Ralphie has a daydream of him being blind. Parents ask how he went blind, Ralphie “It was soap poisoning” Parker cries*

Warlock: I told you not to use lifebuoy.

America: I didn’t!

 

*Boys run from Scott and Grover again*

Warlock: Why didn’t Schwartz beat the shit out of him the next day?

 

*Students give Miss Shields presents, Ralphie brings her a fruitbasket. Old Ralphie “A little bribe never hurts”

Warlock: What is he bribing again?

America: Remember the BB gun?

Warlock: What could SHE do about it?

America: Nothing.

 

*Ralphie gets his decoder pin in the mail from drinking Ovaltine*

Warlock: Pierre Andre?

 

*Ralphie listens to Little Orphan Annie. He gets the secret code and runs to the bathroom to translate it. B-e-s-u-r-e-t-o-d-r-i-n-k-y-o-u-r-o-v-a-l-t-i-n-e. Ralphie “That’s all it is? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch”

Warlock: What a sham.

 

*A glass window shatters. Dad runs out, Mother reveals she accidentally broke the leg lamp. Old Ralphie says it was a family controversy for years following*

Warlock: This movie is ridiculous.

 

*There’s no glue to repair the lamp. He runs out to buy some*

Warlock: We’re 53 minutes in….so when does this shit get funny?

America: You tell me.

 

*Parker can’t fix it. He buried it in the backyard. Old Ralphie says he could hear Taps*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Grover and Scott make Flick say uncle. Meanwhile Ralphie gets a C+ on his theme. He envisions Shields and Mother dressed up as a witch and a jester saying “You’ll shoot your eye out”. Later Ralphie walks home dejected until he eats a snowball from Grover*

Warlock: This means war.

 

*Scott makes fun of Ralphie. Ralphie tackles him*

Warlock: Sacked at the 5 yard line.

America: He’s got a good 3 feet and a half of second to react.

 

*Ralphie pounds on Scott, the kids gather around. Old Ralphie “A fuse blew and I had gone out of my skull” Ralphie pushes Grover away and continues the assault, bloodying Scott*

Warlock: Ok,the big climax where the bully gets his comeuppance came a little early.

 

*Mother pries Ralphie off of Scott and he cries in her arms. Scott looks around as Flick and Schwartz chuckle and walk away*

Warlock: Still got a half hour left and the bully beatdown is over.

America: Are you not enjoying the movie?

Warlock: Oh no, I enjoyed that.

 

*Randy hides under the sink and cries because he thinks Old Man Parker will kill Ralphie*

Warlock: Why would the father kill Ralphie?

America: Who knows?

 

*Mother shuts the cabinet on Randy as Ralphie cries in bed in fear of his father. Father comes home and says “What’s for dinner? I’m starving to death”

Warlock: Uh, I hate that. Make something yourself you lazy bum.

 

*Mother rats out Ralphie for fighting with Scott. Mother says the Bears are playing the Packers that Sunday*

Warlock: What year was this? George Halas should stomp on this movie.

 

*Ralphie thinks by asking Santa for the BB gun, he’ll get it*

Warlock: That never works. I’m still waiting for the Kriss Kross Krash car set I asked for when I was 9.

America: Well keep waiting!

 

*High school band plays Santa Clause is Coming To Town*

Warlock: Is that you on the clarinet?

America: No! And how does Wizard of Oz fit into a Christmas parade?

Warlock: The Tin Man is Santa Claus.

America: You’re a clown.

 

*Santa (Jeff Gillen) rides by*

Warlock: I thought he was in a tank.

America: Its NOT a tank.

 

*Santa is set up on top of a slide. Ralphie is in a suit and tie*

Warlock: Why is he in a coat and tie?

America: Who knows.

 

*Kid with goggles (David Svoboda) says he likes Santa*

Warlock: Is that Hans’ kid?

America: Who?

Warlock: Nevermind.

 

*Santa “If Higbee thinks I’m working a minute pass 9 he can kiss my foot”

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Ralphie tells the Wicked Witch (Helen E Kaider) to get lost. The male Elf (Drew Hocevar) sends a kid down the slide as The Head Elf (Patty Johnson) makes fun of the kid*

Warlock: You know somebody important is going down that slide.

 

*The mall is closing with Ralphie still in line. Randy screams and is sent down the slide. Ralphie is brought to Santa who freaks him out. Ralphie freaks out. Santa says he’ll give him a football. Ralphie goes halfway down the slide but stops himself. He says he wants the air rifle. Santa “You’ll shoot your eye out kid.” Santa pushes him down*

Warlock: It…

America: Failed!

 

*Randy and Ralphie lie in the cotton “snow” dejected*

Warlock: What a failure.

 

*Mother and Old Man set up the Christmas Tree and the fuse box blows*

Warlock: The house gets set on fire.

America: No!

 

*Mother and Old Man send Ralphie and Randy upstairs to bed on Christmas Eve*

Warlock: What, no feast?

 

*Ralphie wakes up Christmas morning*

Warlock: 20 minutes left, lets end this.

 

*Ralphie looks out the window and says “Wowwww”

America: Are you wowing at snow?

Warlock: The snow’s been there all movie.

 

*Ralphie and Randy run downstairs. There are toys everywhere. The parents walk downstairs groggy*

Warlock: Yup, very accurate.

 

*Everybody opens presents. Randy and Ralphie get clothes from their aunt and they throw them over their shoulders*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Ralphie gets a pink bunny rabbit onsie. Old Ralphie “My aunt Clara perpetually thinks I was not only 4 years old but a girl as well.”

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Mother demands Ralphie try it on*

Warlock: Are you kidding me???

 

*Old Man gets a blue bowling ball for Christmas*

Warlock: He looks like he’s gonna hit her with it.

 

*Ralphie walks downstairs in the bunny onsie. Old Ralphie “If Flick saw me this I’d be the laughingstock of Warren G Harding school*

Warlock: Oh god, so true.

 

*Old Man “You look like a deranged Easter Bunny. Take that off!”

Warlock: My dad would have burned it before I could.

 

*Old Man tells Ralphie he’s got one present left behind the desk after all are opened. Mother asks how it got there. Old Man says Santa brought it*

Warlock: Nice kayfabe.

 

*Ralphie opens it and its the Red Rider BBGun*

Warlock: Imagine if he didn’t get the gun?

America: This would be the worst, lamest movie EVER if he didn’t.

 

*Old Man admits he had one when he was eight years old. Mother says don’t shoot any animals. Old Man “Except the hound dogs.”

Warlock: Don’t tell America that.

 

*Ralph shoots and the BB riccochets back and knocks his glasses off. He steps on them trying to find them. Ralphie fakes being hit by an icicle*

Warlock: Really?

 

*Ralphie continues to sell the icicle story as the father stalks the turkey*

Warlock: He eats it and dies.

 

*Ralphie looks at the camera and smiles*

Warlock: He just broke the fourth wall.

 

*The hound dogs enter the house and knock over the turkey. Old Man “Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!”

Warlock: Really?

 

*Old Man says they’te going to Chop Suey Palace. The chinese father (John Wong) makes fun of his own crew (Johan Sebatian Wong, Fred Lee, Dan Ma) who can’t sing in English*

Warlock: Yeah, this isn’t racist or anything.

 

*Waiter cuts the duck’s head off. Old Ralphie “All was right with the world.”

Warlock: Ok that was funny.

 

*Mother shuts out the light. She and Old Man watch the snowfall next to the Christmas tree. We Wish You A Merry Christmas plays as Old Ralphie says the gun was the best gift he ever got. End credits*

Warlock: Thank fucking God its over.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I’ll give it a 5

The Warlock’s Assessment: 5 out of 10…holy moly. For years I heard this was a classic movie but there was nothing classic about it. I laughed a handful of times but it wasn’t one of those laugh yourself hoarse like Home Alone. The acting was solid but there was something missing that made it “classic”. I didn’t laugh my balls off like I did with other Christmas movies. It wasn’t a bad movie but definitely not a classic.

Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: What in the world makes this a classic? The story is cute and the acting was solid but it wasn’t that funny to be considered on the same level as Home Alone. It wasn’t as heartwarming as Miracle on 34th Street or Its A Wonderful Life. Even Scrooged made me laugh my balls off more than this movie. Still, it has its moments so its not a waste of time or anything. Well that about wr…..

*Mr. America cuts him off by getting up and preparing to leave*

America: I’m afraid I’ll have to cut this short. I gotta get going.

Warlock: Already?

America: Yeah, I’m playing Santa again at the orphanage and the kids are waiting.

Warlock: Ok then, see you around.

*America makes his exit*

Warlock: Damn….now what? Wallstreet is in Florida, Neyz, Lady T and Thug D are with their families. I’m alone on Christmas.

*Warlock flashes back to last Christmas*

Warlock: Thug D said someday I’d be alone.

*We are shown the Christmas Future scene from last year’s Christmas special with a haggard, broke and desperate Warlock all by himself on Christmas. Present day Warlock looks in the mirror and sees the haggard one before shaking his head. Warlock then walks into the viewing room and looks around*

Warlock: Apart from everything still intact, I may as well be the desperate, haggard looking Warlock I saw in my future. Maybe this is the start……..this sucks.

*Warlock slumps into the recliner and looks at the picture on the wall of himself, Wallstreet, America and Ooga Booga*

Warlock: Even Ooga Booga wouldn’t want anything to do with me on Christmas.

*Warlock goes into the bed room and slumps on the bed*

Warlock: Maybe Thug D was right last year. Maybe I am destined to be alone, haggard and desperate. Maybe I really do drive my friends away. I don’t want to be around to find out, I wish I never put them through all that torture. Maybe I should have never been born. Wish there was some way to reverse that.

*All of a sudden a flashing light appears and Thug D dressed as an angel appears*

Warlock: You gotta be fuckin…kidding…….

 

*To Be Continued*

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