*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing an I Survived Sharknado t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitiates off the ground before walking inside*
Warlock: After the let down known as Swamp Devil, we now take a look at the second movie out of our 6 pack….SEA BEAST!
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: Another Dr. Taylor Ahern special?
Warlock: No no, I don’t think the beast in question is a shark.
America: Oh, well excuse me all to hell.
Warlock: Apparently a bunch of morons are trapped on a boat and stalked by the sea beast.
America: Great, a Deep Rising ripoff.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: We’ll see, its time for Sea Beast.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Its a feeding frenzy!”
America: THAT’S THE TAG-LINE?
America: Wow, that’s just…wow.
*Movie begins on a boat in a storm*
Warlock: Perfect Storm 2: This Time Its personal.
*Will McKenna (Corin Nemec) tries to steer the boat to safety. Danny (Daniel Wisler) tries to bring up some fish. A sea beast rises up and eats one of the fisherman named Joey (Doug Chambers)*
Warlock: WHAT THE FUCK?
America: That was quick.
*Drew (Brandon Jay McLaren) is distraught*
Warlock: Second straight movie they don’t explain shit.
America: its the first 5 minutes.
*Back at port, Will and Danny are downtrodden. The sea beast has followed them*
Warlock: Oh joy.
*Danny and Drew share bonding moments before Will walks by. He says to pay their respects. Meanwhile Carly (Miriam McDonald) shows up and Danny wants to know when he can tell Will they’re dating*
Warlock: Try never.
*Ben (Brent Stait) tells Will that he better not lose his boy Danny next time*
Warlock: Strong words.
*Carly tells Erin (Christie Laing) that she has the keys to her father’s boat. Danny asks why Drew isn’t coming. Drew says he’s got night shift. Danny will be alone with Erin and Carly. Meanwhile Drew;s fishing line has a bite. Drew reels it in and his line snaps. Danny finds a dead duck in the net*
Warlock: Where’s the dog to hold it up and laugh?
*Roy (Roman Podhora) wants to know when Will will bring back fish and pay him for his boat. He strikes a nerve by saying he loses more crew than fish. Sherriff Jay McKenna (Gary Hudson), Will’s brother breaks it up. Will says he’s going back out again and Roy wants the money up front. Meanwhile Arden (Camille Sullivan) is looking for clues in the water*
America: Word travels fast in this area.
*Arden says their eco-system is fucked because she found fish killing algae. Arden walks away and Will checks her out. He says he was looking at her buckets*
America: Sure you were!!!
*Erin walks up to Drew and grabs his ass. They kiss and Erin says bye to Drew. She walks off with Danny and Carly as something in the water watches*
Warlock: Shut up!
America: I didn’t say anything!
*Will gets a repossession notice and he drinks the pain away*
Warlock: Liquid painkiller, never works. Sad part is this is what real life fisherman go through.
*A cloaked monster appears on the dock while Drew looks around*
Warlock: Its got a cloaking device on??
*The monster stares at Drew and spits on him*
Warlock: He spits at that question.
*Drew staggers around and falls down*
Warlock: What the hell?
*The beast kills Drew*
Warlock: Love how they don’t explain ANYTHING.
*Roy asks Will what he’s doing. Will says he’s going out again. Roy says he wants his money. Will tosses it to him and Roy asks if he robbed a bank to get it. Will says he’s going to make up for the lost catch. Will goes to look for Drew but finds the green goo. Arden walks up and asks what happened, Will doesn’t know. Will asks if she’s ever seen anything like that before. He follows the trail*
Warlock: He kind of looks like Dennis Leary.
*Will and Arden inspect the water and its a human hand*
Warlock: Hey give the man a hand.
*Carly and Danny share bonding moments*
Warlock: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Carrie Fischer?
America: What? No!
*Police block off the dock*
America: Oh boy, its the cops!
*Jay says there’s no way a shark killed Drew. Will and Jay argue over what killed him and Jay says they’ll form a hunting party. Jay says he’s sorry about Drew*
Warlock: Bah, half his crew is dead.
*Arden says the green goo is some kind of fungus. It has acidic property. Will wants to show her something*
America: He found a clue.
*Will says the goo on the boat was there BEFORE they docked*
America: Oh don’t worry you’re gonna find out soon enough.
*Carly asks Erin where Drew is, she’s distraught because Drew never showed*
America: Well its not like you think it is lady, the dude’s dead.
Warlock: She doesn’t know that.
America: That’s why I’m saying it.
*The sea beat attacks and spits on Erin after Carly leaves. Three little monsters pop up from behind the big monsters*
Warlock: Ok, its not sea beast, its Sea Beasts?
*Monsters eat Erin*
Warlock: Once again, not explaining shit.
America: Apparently this thing has kids.
*Back at the bar, Will talks to Ben. He says something killed Joey and Drew. He wants to know when Ben lost a crewman, what happened. Ben says a shark killed him…apparently. Ben says he saw a monster. Will explains that he brought a monster back with him and he needs Ben to tell the town what really happened. Ben blows him off and storms out*
Warlock: Ice Cream Man police would believe him.
*Danny gathers wood outside as he spots one of the little monsters*
*Danny approaches it and tries to take a cell phone picture of it. It runs up and bites his hand then runs off*
Warlock: Well he had the right idea.
*Will brings coffee to Arden. Arden says the goo comes from a deep sea predator. Will asks if a deep sea monster killed Drew, she says she doesn’t know. Suddenly one of the little monsters kills a couple in a nearby fan. He shoots it with a handgun*
Warlock: No explanation.
America: Oh boy, dramatic chase music.
*Sea Beast hops on a tree as two fisherman watch Will start blasting, they run away scared*
Warlock: Hahahahahaha yeah really.
*Carly asks what bit Danny. Danny says it looks like an angler fish from the bottom of the ocean*
Warlock: So how did it get there?
America: We’re supposed to believe the thing evolved so it can jump around on land?
*Will calls Carly and asks if she’s still alive in a voicemail*
*Jay confronts Will and Will says he saw the monster take Joey. Jay doesn’t believe him*
Warlock: Actually he looks like a blonde Joseph Gordon Levitt.
*Jay says not to do anything drastic, he’ll round up a hunting party. Meanwhile Danny’s bite wound is getting worse. Danny doesn’t want to ruin the weekend*
America: No he’s right, the fish monsters will ruin the weekend.
*Jay rallies the townspeople in the bar. He says some kind of creature did it. Jay says they need to find it fast. Roy doesn’t believe Will at all. Ben walks in sober and tells Roy to shut up. Ben explains how his crewman died, he was attacked by the monster*
Warlock: At least he admits it was a monster.
*Barbara (Gwynyth Walsh) walks in and says something’s in the woods. Roy grabs his gun and says he’s going to look for it on his own. Jay says he’ll handle it, Will says he needs professionals to handleit. Jay says he is a professional. Meanwhile Carly and Danny find the boat missing. Danny blames Erin for taking the boat. Danny’s infection is getting worse*
Warlock: Don’t tell me he’s going to turn into one.
*Ben and Will confront Arden for going to investigate*
America: She’s searching for more clues.
*Ben and Will go with her. They know where to look for the deepest part of the ocean*
Warlock: Where the hell are they?
America: I don’t know.
*Little sea monsters are eating Erin as Carly wanders by shouting for her. Carly says Erin was abducted by pirates*
*Roy and two hunters (Brock Johnson and Brad Kelly) along with Jay search the forest. Meanwhile Arden explains after the 2004 tsunami, 14 new species were found*
Warlock: Hey, finally they explained something. The 2004 tsunami dug up the old sea beast.
*Jay finds remains of something dead as Roy says he heard something*
Warlock: I’m hunting wabbits…shhhhhh
*Jay says to spread out*
America: Oh god here we go again.
*Monster goes to strike*
Warlock: Didn’t waste any time after that.
America: This guy was never given a name and was never introduced. You’re dead.
Warlock: “Look, you’re not even wearing a name tag”
*Beast kills unnamed Hunter. Roy walks into Jay and neither found anything*
Warlock: Yeah character development went out the window.
*Second hunter runs up and pukes on Will*
Warlock: Hahaha ohhhhhhh
*Hunter points to first hunter’s remains. Roy spots beast in a tree*
Warlock: So Perfect Storm meets Predator?
*Will, hunter and Roy start shooting at the trees*
Warlock: Holy shit this really is a Predator knockoff.
*Jay says to cease fire and keep a cool head. Meanwhile Carly can’t get any reception. Danny starts squeezing his wound and pus oozes out*
Warlock: I give props for disgusting.
*Hunter 2 is dragged away as Roy and Jay shoot at his direction*
Warlock: Yeah, shoot him, great idea.
*Beast eats Hunter 2 but Jay misses completely when shooting at it. Jay tells Will to look out but Will plugs it right between the eyes*
America: Good shot. Shoot it again just to make sure.
*Roy stops to admire it but the beast springs to life and snaps his neck*
America: What did I tell you?
*Arden finds an hatched egg. Apparently this thing has laid eggs in the water*
Warlock: That explains the little monsters.
*Carly finds Erin’s remains and blames pirates. A little monster shows up and grabs ahold of Danny. Carly drops a rock on the tongue and the monster takes a header into the rock*
America: That creature is gonna be PISSED.
*Ben’s plan is to draw the beast out of the water and kill it on land*
Warlock: Good idea….
*Will calls Carly again but she doesn’t answer. Arden says she saw Erin, Carly and Danny take off. Meanwhile Barbara is asked to ring Jay. Jay doesn’t answer*
Warlock: I don’t think he’s gonna make it.
*Carly and Danny run around, Carly asks if there are other monsters*
Warlock: There’s at least two others, maybe more.
*Danny’s wound is getting worse. Carly says Drew maybe dead too*
Warlock Smart girl.
America: She has a point.
*Danny says he doesn’t see anything. Maybe it was a bird*
America: You will.
*Carly spots a whole family of little monsters. Carly asks Danny to do something. Danny “What do you want me to do?”
Warlock: Walk up and poke them in the eyes, that’ll work right?
*Danny says these are angler fish so he needs fishing gear*
Warlock: Oh boy, a montage.
*Meanwhile Ben gets packed for battle as well. The monsters start attacking the cabin Carly and Danny are in*
Warlock: We still got a half hour of this shit to go.
*Little monster busts through the window, Carly impales it*
Warlock: Love how it just kamikaze’d in there.
*Monster sends out distress yelp before Carly kills it with a knife. The monsters attack and Danny and Carly fight them off*
*Danny electrocutes two more as Carly throws a knife and nails a third in the eye. Four more are downstairs waiting for them.
Warlock: There’s like 30 of them!
*Barbara asks Ben what’s going on. Ben has rigged up a cage. Ben starts wiping fish guts on himself*
Warlock: He’s using himself as bait.
*Arden and Will find Jay cut in half. Will reports Jay’s dead*
Warlock: Holy shit.
*Will says Roy and the others are dead too. Barbara says Ben has gone crazy and Will says he’s on his way*
Warlock: Let him grieve, jesus.
*Ben sets up a harpoon. “Come on ya dumb fish”
Warlock: Fish are dumb.
*Barbara wanders onto the dock and Bill spots the big monster. The Sea Beast bites Barbara’s head off and the body twitches*
Warlock: That was nice.
*Ben inside the cage gets paralyzed by the Beast’s spit. The monster growls at Ben. We cut to Danny and Carly. Carly doesn’t want to end up like Erin*
Warlock: Who does?
*Carly says a sunken ferry has a radio on it, they could board it and use the radio to call for help*
Warlock: How would a sunken radio work?
America: If the radio antennae isn’t submerged, it’ll work.
*Danny and Carly walk outside. Danny says he doesn’t see anything but the dead ones*
America: You will.
*A little monster drops Danny and chokes Carly with its tongue. Danny grabs an axe an cuts its head off. It staggers around*
Warlock: That was a little too cheesy.
*Carly “I don’t wanna die, Danny”
America: Most people don’t want to die.
*Will and Arden find Barbara and Ben dead. Arden says the venom killed him. Will gets on the radio and notices a microchip is in the creature, Ben’s harpoon hit from earlier installed it inside. The monster is headed for the island with Carly and Danny on it. Will and Arden take Arden’s boat toward the island*
America: You know what I love? When this movie is said and done, how are they going to explain it to the cops?
Warlock: What cops? They’re dead.
America: Exactly, when the FBI shows up, how are they gonna explain this?
America: WHAT? How are they gonna account for pirates with a half naked dude in a cage on a dock?
Warlock: They scared him to death. They can manipulate any story.
America: Uh huh.
*Sea Beast crawls into the dock where the ferry lies. The ferry is above water*
America: Yeah, the radio should work.
*Carly says to barricade themselves inside the ferry. Meanwhile Arden and Will make it to the island and find Erin’s remains*
Warlock: I think these are the only four left in the movie cast still alive, including the extras.
*Carly finds a flare gun on the ferry. Meanwhile Will and Arden make it to the cabin as Danny shoots a flare. Carly and Danny need to find a safe, secure room*
Warlock: Fat chance.
*Danny hears an audible moan and says that sounds like none of the creatures they encountered. He goes off to investigate*
Warlock: Why do they always split up?
America: I don’t know.
*Danny barricades Carly in a room and says he’ll be back. Arden and Will hear the mating call as well. Dozens of little monsters head toward the ferry*
Warlock: Feeding time.
*Carly screams out for Danny*
America: So, they’re in a general area that these are. They’re going to the same spot where these creatures are. The head beast is giving off an audible feeding call that gathers the young. So what do they do? Instead of remaining quiet, they scream out their names? They might as well ring the dinner bell!
*Little monsters attempt to break into Carly’s room. Meanwhile Arden and Will track the Sea Beast. They run into Danny who says he’ll take them to Carly. Suddenly the Beast snatches Danny. The little beasts attack Carly and she kills them. Eventually Will and Arden find her. She asks where Danny is, Will says he’s sorry*
America: Danny didn’t make it.
*Carly finds the nest where all the eggs are laid. Arden says they need to destroy the whole ship. Will says he knows what to do. Will says they have enough CO2 tanks to blow the creature and the nest to kingdom come*
Warlock: That would work
*Carly and Arden prepare a trap as Will runs off to find some gas. Will walks over to a car that’s on the boat and siphons gas out of it*
Warlock: Love how there was a car conveniently on a boat.
*Will tells Arden to take Carly and get lost. Meanwhile Sea Beast shows up. Will lights up a cigar*
Warlock: Final showdown? *sings* Its the final SHOWDOWNNNNN.
*Will goes to blow the place but Beast catches him with its tongue. Will uses his cigar to burn the tongue off so he can break free. The trap goes off and KABOOM!!!!! Arden and Carly scream NO*
Warlock: Got any marshmallows?
*Will shows up behind Arden and Carly as they hug him*
Warlock: He made it, hooray hooray.
*Last frame has Arden and Carly rigging up the boat for Will to cast off*
Warlock: So his brother’s dead, all his friends are wiped out. They fought off mythological creatures. Her boyfriend is dead….and they’re just fine?
Warlock: Wait, no cliché ending with one egg left that hatches? Least they didn’t go that route.
America: So this was made in Canada? That’s who we have to thank for this pile? I blame you.
Warlock: I blame YOU.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 2.5 out of 10. They really didn’t explain a lot and whoever made this movie had a 90 minute excuse for some fictitious creature to go around killing people.
The Warlock’s Assessment: 4 out of 10. At least they explained the origin of the creatures, more than can be said for last movie. Didn’t have much character development or believability though.
Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – Horrible
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: If Swamp Devil was a let down for their plot holes, this fell off the deep end completely. It was nice that they explained where the monsters came from but that was about it. The CGI special effects were nothing special and there was no character development at all. Talk about a waste of time.
America: We’re 0 for 2.
Warlock: Don’t remind me. Have a pleasant evening.