3 DAYS EARLIER
*The Warlock is on a Skype call with Mr. Wallstreet*
Wallstreet: So how’s the Realm been in my absence.
Warlock: Thug D has filled in great and Mr. America is as great as ever, just not the same without the three of us together.
Wallstreet: Yes, I noticed lately you haven’t done a lot of the garbage movies you, America and I were doing last year.
Warlock: Neyz, T and D refuse to watch garbage and other stuff have popped up.
Wallstreet: Do you have any idea how long you’ve gone without doing a movie made in the 21st century?
Warlock: What do you mean?
Wallstreet: You just did Carrie right?
Wallstreet: Yeah, you haven’t done a movie made past 2000 since Wreck It Ralph.
Warlock: Hey that’s no fair, that was a flashback!
Wallstreet: Fine, you havn’t done one since Vile. That was back in July.
Warlock: My god you’re right.
Wallstreet: I think its time you returned to your roots.
Warlock: What did you have in mind?
Wallstreet: You’ll see. I’ll keep in touch.
*The Warlock is standing inside his lair pacing around. He’s wearing a t-shirt that says DEADFALL TRAIL on the back and HIKE IT IF YOU DARE on the back along with blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. He’s trying to watch The Man From U.N.C.L.E. but Warlock is in the way*
America: Will you quit pacing back and forth? You’re giving me motion sickness.
Warl;ock: Sorry, I’m expecting a package.
America: Well can you pace outside then? Robert Vaughn is about to attack somebody.
*Warlock steps outside and paces back and forth until Darnell The Delivery Guy shows up with a small package and literally throws it at Warlock who flicks his wrist to stop it in midair. Darnell storms off in a huff as Warlock grabs the floating package, opens it, laughs and walks inside*
Warlock: Hahahaha I should have known.
America: What? Did you get a movie?
Warlock: Oh, you could say that.
America: Oh great, now what?
*Warlock tosses America the DVD box. America looks at it and shakes his head*
Warlock: Yes, compliments of Mr. Wallstreet.
America: I’m gonna shoot him myself.
*Warlock turns as America pops the first DVD in*
Warlock: Tonight we go back to our roots with the beginning of a new 6 Pack Horror movie collection. Compliments of Mr. Wallstreet.
America: He’s a dead man.
Warlock: Up first is Swamp Devil. The 2008 Scy-Fy movie about Swamp Thing’s son….just kidding.
*America sits in the recliner, Warlock in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s kick off the 6 Pack with Swamp Devil
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A young girl finds out some disturbing supernatural truths about her father, who has been a suspect to multiple murder cases”
America: *imitating ghosts* Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Warlock: Wow, I was just kidding when I was saying it was about Swamp Thing’s son. I wasn’t too far off.
*Graphic reads Gibbington Vermont, 17 years ago*
Warlock: Back in 1991.
America: I see a bunch of trees.
*Young Dream Girl (Jenna Wheeler-Hughes) hears a twig snap and runs for it*
America: Oh god, its foliage!
Warlock: Not exactly the best credits.
*Some blonde woman runs through the forrest screaming help*
America: Welp, there’s the trip!
*The blonde is named Lisa (Mary-Pier Gaudet)*
America: Its the first five minutes of the movie, she’s dead. You kidding me.
*Lisa is attacked as Deputy Jolene (Allison Graham) asks the Sherriff (James Kidnie) if he heard her screaming*
Warlock: No, he’s deaf…OF COURSE HE HEARD IT.
*Lisa is thrown into the water*
America: Time to cool off.
*Old man Jones (Robert Higden) finds Lisa face up in the water. She’s dead. Bigg (Kwasi Songui) is sad*
Warlock: It would have been better if she was face down.
America: So far we learned that he can manipulate its natural surroundings. I’m not impressed. Imhotep did that in The Mummy.
Warlock: Well technically, this was 17 years ago, he came first.
America: The Mummy was set in the 30’s you idiot.
*Howard Blaime (Bruce Dern) looks on as Old Man Jones cries*
Warlock: HE DID IT!
*Back in present day. Melanie Blaime (Cindy Sampson) wakes up with a migraine*
America: Yeah so? Get some advil.
*Melanie gets a phone call from Jimmy Fuller (Nicolas Wright) who used to be neighbors. He’s calling on behalf of Howard, her father. Jimmy says Howard is dying and wants to see her*
America: Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn
*Jimmy tries to convince Melanie to come see her father and abruptly hangs up*
Warlock: Yeah that was ominous, abruptly hanging up.
America: What was the first five minutes of the movie? Happy time?
*Sheriff wants Bigg to escort Old Man Jones without killing anyone*
*Melanie gets out of her car and meets Jimmy on the side of the road in front of the City Limits sign*
Warlock: Why are they meeting on the side of the road next to the welcome sign? Are the restaurants closed?
*She gets back in her car, he wants a ride into town and he sticks his thumb out. She gets back in the car and gives him a lift*
Warlock: Why didn’t he just get in her car to begin with?
America: I don’t know.
Warlock: Could have saved 30 seconds of them talking.
*Melanie doesn’t remember the town being a ghost town*
Warlock: Be glad its not Derry, Maine where IT was.
*Melanie wants to talk about her father. Jimmy reveals he made it all up. She slams on the brakes*
America: Yeah you deserved that.
*Melanie “What kind of monster tells someone a person is dying?”
Warlock: Yeah really.
America: How did you think she was going to react, stupid?
*Jimmy says her father’s not dying, he’s wanted for murder. She doesn’t believe him. He says they’re after him now and needs their help*
Warlock: He needs to retire.
*Jimmy manipulates her into staying in town. She lets him back in the car. Meanwhile Bigg and Jones search the forest with shotguns*
Warlock: Im hunting wabbits…shhhhhh.
*Jimmy “How’s your headache?” Melanie “What headache?” He picks up the giant bottle of advil on the dashboard and shakes it*
Warlock and America: Hahaha.
*Jimmy and Melanie enter Shelly’s Diner. Shelly (Bronwen Mantel) greets them*
America: Wow, slow day. There’s nobody there.
*Shelly has a watch collection on the wall*
Warlock: Better than hunting trophies right?
America: Its a very interesting hobby to take on.
*Jimmy tells Shelly about Melanie’s headache, she goes to fix a potion. Meanwhile Melanie spots a picture of her father around the campfire. Shelly says its happier time. Shelly starts rubbing her shoulders and says “Ooh you’re tense”
America: Of course she’s tense! She was just told her father is wanted for murder after he said her father was dying prior.
*Jimmy calls Shelly mom and Shelly finds that strange. Shelly gives her a glare and Melanie looks away, looks back and she’s gone*
America: What are you staring at?
*Back in the forest, Bigg and Jones continue to search*
Warlock: Meanwhile back at Camp Crystal Lake.
*Jones and Bigg agree to split up*
Warlock: There’s your favorite.
America: Oh here we go, the ol “let’s split up”
*Jimmy’s hand is completely filthy. Melanie asks why and he blows her off. He says he doesn’t remember anything from when he was 12*
Warlock: The hell?
*Jimmy takes Melanie to a cabin on the swamp. She freaks out when a twig snaps*
Warlock: Jittery fuck isn’t she?
America: Well she is definitely jumpy.
*Melanie finds a picture of her and her mother from July of 1985. Jimmy asks if she remembers her mother’s death. He says she was found face up in the swamp the same as the girl. Melanie yells at him to shut up*
America: This guy is a world class athlete at putting his foot in his mouth.
*Jimmy says he’s gonna go. Melanie asks how he’ll get home if she drove, he says he’ll walk in the mud*
Warlock: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I’LL WALK IN THE MUD!
America: What the hell are you going on about?
*Bigg searches the swamp by himself. He hears a branch, turns around, says “STOP OR ILL SHOOT” and fires*
Warlock: You hit nothing!
*Bigg turns around and sees the swamp monster. Bigg “What the hell are you?” The CGI monster trips Bigg and drags him to the center of the path and impales him*
Warlock: That was awful CGI.
America: Alright, you know what, he had it coming. He saw the thing and stood there for a good 4 seconds before reacting. Either shoot him or run! Love how the idiot shot at thin air but not at the creature standing in front of him.
*Melanie is held at gunpoint by Jolene, she drops her tea mug*
Warlock: Jesus, how about serve and protect?
*Sheriff tells Jolene to put the gun down, its Howard’s daughter*
America: At least one of the two is level headed about it.
*Melanie says she’s looking for her father. Old Man Jones barges in asking where Howard is. Jones asks who Melanie is and Sheriff says Howard’s daughter. Jones goes to shoot Melanie and Sherriff points his gun at Jones and says put it away. Jolene leads Jones away and Sherriff says not to mind him, he just lost his daughter. Sherriff “Your old man is in a lot of trouble”
America: Ya think?
*Melanie says she hasn’t seen her father since 1993. Sheriff says Howard came to him days earlier and says a monster was out there that killed his wife and friends. Sheriff tells Melanie that Howard is nuts and the “monster” is pure fiction. He mentions Chupacabra*
Warlock: I just killed Chupacabra in Red Dead Redemption.
America: Nobody cares.
*Sherriff leaves and asks how long she’s staying. Melanie says a few days. Sherriff says he’ll send Jolene to look after her*
America: Mrs Trigger Happy?
*Melanie name drops Jimmy and Sherriff claims he never heard of him and he didn’t know Shelly had a son*
Warlock: Something’s going on here.
America: Ya think?
*Melanie hears a branch snap and she’s spooked*
Warlock: She sure gets spooked easily by twig snapping.
*Jimmy pops up and hands her flowers. He asks for forgiveness. Melanie tells Jimmy about what happened, Jimmy drops some background info on Jolene and Sheriff. Melanie asks how he knows them but they don’t know him. Jimmy changes the subject and asks her out to dinner*
Warlock: Something’s fishy Commish.
*Jimmy “There are monsters that do horrible things. Things you should never see. Guns, knives…”
Warlock: He means us.
*Melanie asks why Jimmy called her. Jimmy asks if she found out 5 years later how she’d feel. Melanie says she’d feel better. Jimmy says its better to know their parents and understand where they came from*
Warlock: Wow, actual character development.
America: You were doing a great job being philosophical until you said “etcetera, etcetera”
*Jimmy says he’ll take sentry duty and Melanie goes to bed. Meanwhile Howard in the forest eats steaming dead animals*
America: Those damn branches again.
*Melanie wakes up and Jimmy is gone*
Warlock: He went to Dunkin Donuts.
America: Where would there be a Dunkin Donuts?
Warlock: Its Vermont.
America: They’re nowhere near civilization to even be close to a Dunkin Donuts.
*Melanie notices the flowers she got from Jimmy the day before are dead*
Warlock: How could those flowers be dead in one day?
America: They’re trying to imply this dude has to do with the swamp monster.
*Melanie sees a footprint outside as Sherriff and Jolene walk in with coffee*
Warlock: Yeah you’re right.
*Melanie name drops Jimmy again and Jolene says nobody left the cabin all night while she watched. Melanie tries to convince them Jimmy exists but Sheriff doesn’t buy it*
Warlock: They never believe them.
*Jones is stalked by the monster*
America: You’re next buddy.
*Jolene asks about Jimmy and says she doesn’t know him. Jolene picks up the picture of the campfire and says her dad is in it but he’s dead. Everyone’s dead in the photo except Howard*
*Sheriff rocks out to classical music in the car and spots Jimmy*
Warlock: Hey, he found him.
*Sheriff says he’s the missing boyfriend. Sherriff asks him where he’s from. Jimmy runs around the question and says he’s in a hurry to get back to Melanie. Sheriff says not to leave her alone for too long. Jimmy says he agrees*
Warlock: Haha, lovestruck.
*Sheriff asks if he saw anything while he was out. Jimmy says no*
Warlock: He had to ask didn’t he?
Warlock: Well at least its established he’s not a ghost.
*Sheriff looks in his mirror and Jimmy is gone*
*Jolene says how everyone died. She found her father hanging by a rope. Jolene says he would never do that, he wasn’t crafty enough to weave the kind of rope that he was hung with*
*Jolene says she was convinced that her father was murdered but the police didn’t believe it*
Warlock: The Ice Cream Man Police would believe her.
America: Yes they would.
*Jolene says Howard is crazy. The monster uses a makeshift vine spike strip to pop the Sheriff’s tires. He gets dragged into the forest and he shoots at air*
Warlock: Once again shooting at nothing.
*Jolene hears the gunshots and knows its Sheriff by the gun caliber. Sheriff is dragged into the water it where the CGI monster drowns him*
Warlock: I thought Jones was gonna be next.
*Jolene takes Melanie’s car to look for Sheriff as Melanie cleans off the muddy footprints Jimmy left behind. She finds a crack in the ground and opens a floorboard*
Warlock: A clue!
*Melanie finds newspaper clippings as Billy shows up in the doorway. “Buried treasure?” Jimmy asks if she found anything incriminating*
America: He can NEVER say the right thing.
*Jimmy wants to split but Melanie wants to go through the articles. Melanie reluctantly leaves*
Warlock: Yeah, the picture of Billy’s likeness wasn’t incriminating enough?
*Howard is poking around with a stick. Jimmy tells the history of the forest*
Warlock: Haha what?
*Jimmy says it doesn’t matter about her father. Melanie starts to suspect Jimmy of something. All of a sudden Howard jumps out from behind a tree with a shotgun. Jimmy “I think it might be a LITTLE late for that.” Melanie says Jimmy is her friend and Howard says he’s no friend. Jones sneaks up from behind Howard with a shotgun of his own and threatens to kill Howard. Howard says Jimmy killed his daughter, not him. Melanie says Jimmy would never do that. Jimmy tells Jones to put the gun down. Jones asks why and Jimmy says he’s selfish and wants the glory for himself. He’s waited a long time for this. Jimmy says go ahead and shoot him, guns won’t hurt him. Jimmy then turns into the monster*
Warlock: Yeah, kinda saw that coming.
*Jones and Howard unload on the monster and he’s unaffected. They all run for it. Jones “What is that thing?” Howard “You don’t wanna know!”*
America: Yeah, keep running.
*Jolene finds Sherriff’s car. She goes to look for him. Meanwhile Howard, Jones and Melanie hide in a small cave*
Warlock: Why are they in a cave?
*Jones apologizes for trying to kill Howard. Howard asks who’s out there, Jones says Jolene, Sheriff and Bigg. Howard says they’re all in trouble. Meanwhile Jolene finds Sheriff dead floating face up*
America: He’s dead.
Warlock: No he’s gonna make the big babyface comeback.
America: Can I have what you’re smoking?
*Howard tells Jones to take Melanie out of there. Jones says he wants to kill the thing. Melanie says everyone inside, Sheriff owes her an explanation*
Warlock: Time to explain EVERYTHING.
*Jolene drags Sheriff back to Melanie’s car and tosses him in the car*
Warlock: What’s she doing?
America: I don’t know.
*Jolene can’t start the car. Meanwhile Jimmy the Monster shows up*
Warlock: How come cars never start in these situations?
*Jolene empties a whole clip intoJimmy’s hand. Out of ammo*
Warlock: She panicked on that one.
*Howard says revenge can destroy lives, it happened to him. Howard shows her a likeness of Jimmy only that’s not his name. The girl from the beginning of the movie is stalked by Jimmy and eventually murdered. Howard says he was convinced Jimmy did it and it ate him up inside. Howard says he was going to get a confession out of him. Howard says he was wrong. He and “the boys” tracked Jimmy into the swamp and got a rape and murder confession out of him. Howard asked the boys to cut it out after he admitted it. They beat him to death and buried him in the swamp. A little while after that, Melanie’s mom was found dead. A note was found next to her body “I’ll Come For You Last” meaning Howard. He sent Melanie away to protect her. Howard says all the men that helped him were found dead because of the monster. Howard says every day he’s out looking for him. Even Jones has his back, he asks if the monster can be stopped*
Warlock: That is a good question.
*Melanie figures out Jimmy can’t leave the city. She remembers how he refused to cross the city limits and had her drive 10 feet to pick him up*
Warlock: Now it makes sense.
*The monster crashes through the window and kidnaps Melanie. Howard and Jones run into Jolene and says they need to stock up. Jones heads to Shelly’s diner. Jones asks for all Shelly’s ammo. She hands him the ammo and Jones walks out. Jones drives away and we cut back to Jimmy in human form tying up Melanie*
Warlock: Why is he back in human form?
*Melanie asks why Jimmy is doing this, he dances around the question. Howard, Jolene and Jones find Bigg swinging from a tree, dead. They all freak*
Warlock: Cut him down will ya?
*Jimmy taunts Melanie as Howard, Jones and Jolene find them. Howard say to form a perimeter and surround the area*
Warlock: You think it’ll work.
*Jones and Howard draw Jimmy’s attention. Howard says he knows what to do. He walks up to Jimmy and taunts him. Jimmy asks if Howard told her the story. Jimmy knows Jolene is trying to cut Melanie down. Howard drops Jimmy with a few shots before he changes into the monster. Jolene cuts Melanie loose and now its a chase. Melanie wants to go back for Howard as Jones and Jolene tell her to not look back. Meanwhile Howard is on the run*
Warlock: Is this the big finale?
America: I’d say so.
*Jones is caught in a Jimmy vine, he fires away at the monster but its unaffected. Jimmy then disables Jones although he crawls for the city limits. Jolene fires a few rounds to distract Jimmy but he’s unaffected. Jones calls him an ugly motherfucker and Jimmy stomps his head in*
Warlock: Ohhhh yeah.
*Howard says they’re safe now but Melanie and Jolene disagree. Howard says he has to stop it. Melanie says she doesn’t want to lose her again. Howard says it was the hardest thing he had to do was to send her away. He explains why he did everything*
Warlock: I’m surprised, actual development.
*Howard gives her a choice, stay with him or run. If she comes with him, she has to trust him and what’s best for her. Jolene and Melanie run for it as Jimmy stalks Howard. Howard makes it to his cave*
Warlock: Now can we get the big finale? They never explained how he went from buried in the swamp to a swamp monster.
*Jolene and Melanie drive off in Jones’ truck and heads for the county line but Jimmy jumps onto the truck. Jimmy grabs Melanie and pulls her into the back of the truck as Jolene floors it. They cross the county line and Jimmy can’t cross it*
Warlock: They were right, he can’t cross.
*Howard drives Melanie’s car toward the other car*
Warlock: They’re gonna play chicken.
*Jolene swerves into a ditch as Howard plows Jimmy over the county line, disintegrating the monster*
Warlock: That was one way to end it.
*Howard gets Jolene and Melanie out of the car before it explodes*
Warlock: How could it have exploded just by swerving into a ditch? I’ve spun out like that and my car didn’t explode.
*Howard “Well, its over. He’s done. That’s enough of that.”
Warlock: You ain’t kidding.
*Meanwhile back in the forest, Shelly looks around. She grabs the wooden hand of the swamp creature and we cut*
Warlock: Wonderful, they never explained how he went from rapist murderer to swamp creature.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3.5. It did attempt to have a coherent story you could follow and characters to follow but it wasn’t anything special.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5, it would have been better but the lack of explaining certain things dropped it from good to average. The characters were developed nicely and it did have an easy to follow plot but how the hell do you go from dead body to CGI tree monster?
Final Grade: 4.0 out of 10 – Bad
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: There’s another one of those movies that COULD have been good but there was too much wrong with it that it ended up being below average. They never explained how the monster became a monster. At least some of the characters were developed and it made for some interesting moments. Just not enough to make it a good movie. That wraps up another craptastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.