*Mr. America walks up to the lair. H’s wearing white, cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. He opens the door and does a double take. He takes his aviators off*
*The lair has been decorated with various posters, pictures and decorations all out of 1997. There’s a Spice World poster above the TV, instead of the laptop there’s a Hewlett/Packard Desktop with Windows 95 and AOL 2.5 with a 28.8 K modem attached. On the far side wall is a 1997 Chicago Bulls NBA Champions poster. There’s a picture frame of President Clinton where the picture of Mr. Wallstreet, Mr. America and Warlock along with Ooga Booga used to be. The big screen high def tv is now an old analog Panasonic with a Toshiba VCR underneath instead of the dvd player. The PS3 has been replaced with an N64. The Warlock is busy installing a rotary phone in the corner. He’s wearing an nWo t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades*
Warlock: Oh good, you’re here.
America: I know you recently watched Rocky Horror Picture Show but I didn’t think you were going to do an ACTUAL time warp. What the hell is this?
Warlock: I’m glad you asked. Tonight we are doing a tribute to 1997 here at the lair.
America: A tribute…to 1997.
Warlock: Exactly, in honor of tonight’s movie.
America: You know….this could be cool in a weird sort of throwback way, but WHAT’S WITH THE SPICE WORLD POSTER??
Warlock: I borrowed it from Lady T, what do you think?
America: You were better off with Hanson.
Warlock: No no, that was 1996.
America: So what movie from 1997 are we doing?
Warlock: Used Cars.
America: The hell is that?
Warlock: Its got Kurt Russell and Jack Warden. Here’s the tape.
*Warlock hands America the VHS tape of Used Cars*
America; Oh great, a video cassette.
Warlock: Its 1997, DVD’s weren’t invented yet.
America: Could have gone with lazer disc.
Warlock: Nah, too expensive, even then.
*America glosses over the back cover and facepalms*
America: You are a complete moron.
America: You said this was a tribute to 1997 right?
Warlock: Yeah and?
America: THE MOVIE CAME OUT IN 1980 YOU IDIOT!!!!
*Warlock grabs the tape from America and looks it over*
America: Perfect, you mosquito brain, couldn’t even get the right year.
Warlock: Well we may as well watch it anyway.
*Mr. America notices the recliner has been replaced with a wooden rocking chair*
America: Hey, where’s the chair?
Warlock: I didn’t have the recliner in 97, that’s the Grand Wizard’s TV chair from back then.
*Warlock sits in an old polyester laden couch*
America: Hey wait a minute, that’s my grandmother’s old couch!
Warlock: I know, your mom let me borrow it.
America: You gotta be kidding.
*America takes his seat*
Warlock: Well let’s get this movie started, Used Cars!
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “When the owner of a struggling used car lot is killed, it’s up to the lot’s hot-shot salesman to save the property from falling into the hands of the owner’s ruthless brother and used-car rival.”
America: I can’t think of anything, too distracted by the damn Spice World poster.
*Move opens at New Deal Used Cars*
Warlock: I know its 1980 but those cars look ridiculous.
*Rudy Russo (Kurt Russell) turns the odometer back from 98 thousand miles to 33*
America: A likely trick.
*Opening credits to Stars and Stripes Forever as Rudy goes around making shitty cars less shitty*
Warlock: Its Lex Luger’s theme song.
America: The bumper just fell off!
*Roy L Fuchs (Jack Warden) in the Roy L Fuchs Auto Emporium spits on one of his cars when Rudy says hi. Rudy “Same to you asshole”
*Manuel (Alfonso Arau) brings a yellow taxi cab painted blue for Rudy to sell. Manuel says he’s got 250 cars for him to sell. Rudy says he can’t. Later Rudy scares Jim the Mechanic (Frank McRae). Jeff (Gerrit Graham) follows Rudy. He’s superstious and he says red cars are bad luck*
Warlock: Are they really bad luck?
*Rudy hands Jeff a flier that he’s running for Senator*
Warlock: Would you vote for him?
*Rudy uses the dollar bill on a fishing pole trick to reel in a customer*
America: Hahahaha. I like how he put the dent in the car do.
*Stan (Beans Morocco) is conned into buying a piece of crap Buick by Rudy*
Warlock: I’m trying to envision Kurt in an eye patch after seeing this and its not working.
*Roy tells Sam Slaton (Joe Flaherty) that he’s pissed that the city is going to build a ramp that runs right through his car lot*
Warlock: The heels established.
*Rudy puts a bumper sticker on the Buick and the bumper falls off. Rudy “Aww shit, wasted a perfectly is good bumper sticker*
*Luke Fuchs (Jack Warden, dual role) is the nicer older brother of Roy. He wants Rudy to be more honest. Rudy says he only does it because he needs 60 grand to run for Senator. Luke has Toby the dog with him. Rudy tells Luke he wants a better life for himself*
Warlock: Doesn’t every 80’s movie begin like this? Local boy wants to make good and be a star?
*Rudy runs through his plan as Luke tells Toby to fetch a Philips screwdriver. He brings the wrong one*
Warlock: Poor dog.
*Rudy laments that he needs 10 grand to go. Luke says he’ll give it to him in the morning. Rudy celebrates and Luke nearly has a heart attack. He’s got a bad ticker*
Warlock: He’s got a bad ticker.
*Luke says he wants Rudy to protect his Lot from his brother once he’s senator*
Warlock: Good point.
*Sam tells Roy that he should set the place on fire and collect the insurance money. Roy says he’s better off inheriting it when Luke dies. Sam tries to be reasonable and say that’s his own brother and Roy says “Eh just a dream.” Sam says he has a daughter and Roy says Luke hasn’t seen her in ten years. Roy then notices Luke is having heart problems so he yells out for Carmine (Harry Northup). He wants to bring in Mickey (Michael Talbott) the demolition derby driver*
Warlock: What is he up to?
America: Something rotten.
*Mickey shows up in front of New Deal*
Warlock: Hey look its Switek from Miami Vice.
America: Where’s Zito?
*Mickey spots Jeff checking out some girl he’s trying to sell a car too. Rudy is busy trying to make a deal so he’s out of the way. Mickey then asks if Luke is a salesman but he ignores him because his daughter Barbara (Deborah Harmon) called. Mickey asks if the 57 Chevy is any good. Luke says its his personal favorite. Mickey says $2,400 is too much but he’ll test it anyway. Mickey buckles up and then drives the car like a demolition derby. Swerving in an out of traffic, bumping off everything*
Warlock: I’m not used to seeing Switek as a heel, this is new.
*Mickey rolls the car a few times and runs off after Luke rips his Roy L Fuchs armpatch off*
America: Why don’t you go and check?
*Luke staggers out of the car as Charlie (Andrew Duncan) says $50 dollars never killed anyone. Rudy says “When my boss sees this he’s gonna have a stroke” and he leaves. As soon as he gone, Luke staggers in gagging and clutching his chest. Charlie “Ok ok Its a deal ITS A DEAL!”
Warlock and America: Hahahaha
*Charlie empties his wallet and signs the contract as Rudy tries to save Luke’s life. Meanwhile Jeff is getting it on with the woman in the back of the car he was showing her*
America: Hahahaha what?
*Luke dies in Rudy’s arms. Rudy finds the patch that says (Roy L Fuchs Pre-Owned Automobiles*
Warlock: He just figured it out.
*Roy spies on the office as Jeff trips over Luke’s dead body. He keeps shouting “Jesus Christ!” Rudy tries to calm him down. Meanwhile Roy calls Sam and says they need to visit his brother in the morning, bring the probate papers*
Warlock: Not prostate you idiot, probate!
*Jeff says to call the cops and Rudy argues that the cops will think he had a heart attack and Roy inherits the lot. He argues that he made a promise to protect the place. Rudy’s plan is to bury Luke in his 57 Chevy in a pit he constructed. Jim and Jeff are skeptical as Rudy gives a speech about how he’s a good man and to drive over the curb one last time*
Warlock: I’m inspired, aren’t you?
America: No, I’m not.
*Rudy, Jeff and Jim bury the pit and cover it with dirt. Next morning Roy shows up. “Aren’t you a little big to be playing in the fucking mud?”
*Rudy tells Roy that Luke took a trip to Miami Beach. Roy says that’s bullshit and he knows Luke is dead. Rudy bullshits him and says to get lost before he calls the cops. Sam and Rudy leave as Toby chases them away. Jeff brings up the battle plan of having Eddie (Michael McKean) and Freddie (David L Lander) hack into the big football game that night to air a commercial for New Deal*
Warlock: I think its safe to say Toby the Dog is best supporting actor.
America: For once I’ll agree with you, I’ll go with that.
*Jeff is scared they’ll get arrested, Rudy brings up that they just work there. Anyone who complains has to bring it up to Luke*
*Eddie sneaks around hooking up the hacking devices*
Warlock: This…is Spinal Tap
America: Hello Cleveland!
*Margaret (Cheryl Rixon) is sitting on a car, modeling it. Jim notices the car is red and laughs to himself. Rudy asks where the sunglasses are and Freddie hands him Groucho Marx disguises instead. Rudy is pissed. Jeff doesn’t want to put the glasses on because he’ll look ridiculous*
Warlock: Would you wear those?
America: Uh, I’m good.
*The game is hacked as Jeff puts the glasses on and goes into the commercial…until he sees the red car. He freaks out and Margaret goes to leave but she gets her dress caught on the hood ornament. Rudy tries to save it by barging in trying to shill the cars. He pops the hood and it rips her dress clean off. A family notices her bare tits as Freddie zooms in on them. The father rips the remote away from the mom*
*Next morning Rudy says their stunt was a success. He enlists Jim and Toby to help himself and Jeff to sell some cars*
America: Even the dog is recruited.
*Montage of Rudy and Jeff bullshitting customers while Jim bullies his, “Just get in the fucking car!”*
Warlock and America: Hahahahahhaa
Warlock: That’s the best tactic ever.
America: I will admit that was entertaining.
*Mr Ghertner (Woodrow Parfey) protests on behalf of his Driver’s Ed class. Rudy says the piece of crap cars are what kids are supposed to be driving*
Warlock: Good point.
*Jeff makes Toby play dead under the car and places a rock under the wheel. The father drives off and Jeff acts like Toby was run over*
Warlock: That is so cheap.
America: I wouldn’t stoop THAT low.
*Jeff fakes crying and the father says he’ll buy the car so Jeff stops crying. The kids fall out of the station wagon into the mud*
*Roy and Sam lament Rudy’s success. Roy has bought a circus to come in to draw customers. Meanwhile across the street Rudy and Jeff has hired strippers. All the customers run from Roy’s lot over to New Deal*
Warlock: This is like Animal House only with used car lots instead of frat houses.
*Jeff and Rudy get into the dance act*
Warlock: Well this was 1980, the weird transition year from disco to dance pop.
Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.
*Cars crash into each toher when the girls disrobe*
*Roy gets on the air but Sam says they can sue for slander if Roy says anything. Roy correctly points out only Luke can sue but he won’t*
Warlock: Good point.
*Rudy plays Hail to the Chief on his stereo*
*Rudy opens his fridge and the only thing in it is celery, beer and a safe with money in it*
Warlock: That’s a lot of celery.
*Rudy goes through his answering machine full of girls*
Warlock: New Barry Manilow record?
*Jeff calls Rudy and says to turn on TV. Roy slanders them and Rudy gets pissed*
Warlock: Why’s he getting pissed?
*Rudy’s counter move is to jam President Jimmy Carter (himself) presidential address. Freddie, Eddie, Jim and Rudy are in but Jeff is skeptical. Rudy says he had Jim spray nuns with a hose who protested. Jim “Yeah I knocked the motherfuckers on they ass too”
*Their plan is to cut into the address at 9:03 PM tomorrow night*
Warlock: You got the plan?
America: Uh huh.
*Jeff hits the deck and says a woman outside pulled up in a red car*
Warlock: She’s got great legs.
*Jeff “Don’t let the little head do the thinking for the big head*
Warlock: Good advice.
*The woman is Barbara, Luke’s daughter. She sees right through Rudy’s bullshit as Jeff freaks out inside the office*
*Rudy shills the car but she shills right through it. He asks if she’s with Nader’s Raiders*
Warlock: I voted for Nader in 08
*Rudy says Luke is in Miami Beach and Barbara cries. Rudy figures out its Luke’s daughter and he slams the car door on his own hand*
*Rudy and Barbara share bonding moments at the bar*
Warlock: Is this the obligatory character development scene?
America: Something like that.
*Barbara goes to leave and Rudy puts the sob story on her then goes and sits down. She goes back to him and says she’ll stick around for a few days. Back at the shop Jim shouts at Rudy to get rid of her. Jeff says courtesy of Daphne, he’s got a one way train ticket to Miami. At dinner the next night Rudy contemplates telling her the truth or continue. The waiter picks up the ticket and hands it to him just as he was about to tell the truth. Rudy then goes with the lie but Barbara doesn’t want to go anyway*
Warlock: Well that didn’t work.
*Eddie hacks into the white house satellites*
Warlock: You’d think they’d have better security there, right?
America: You would think.
*Jeff and Jim are dressed up and ready for the commercial. Jeff is nervous because he’s full of valium. Freddie “This is a test pattern”
*Rudy freaks out on Food Giant (Tiny Wells) to distract Barbara from the TV and he runs outside. When he gets out there he thinks he’s okay until he notices the TV store window next door*
America: Heh, hahaha.
*Rudy kisses Barbara as the commercial kicks in. The commercial is Jeff dressed as a cowboy “We’re going to blow the living shit out of high prices”. He then takes a shotgun to various cars in Roy’s lot*
Warlock: None of this is legal is it?
*Jim hops up dressed as High Prices and Jeff shoots him. He has blood packets so its ok. Jeff then blows up a 1977 Mercedes with dynamite as Roy says “YOU SON OF A BITCH!”
Warlock: That’s hilarious.
America: If she catches him kissing with open eyes, she’s gonna know something’s up.
*Jim and Jeff hop in Eddie’s van and drive off. Later on Rudy bullshits the police saying insane Iranians caused the explosion*
Warlock: Yeah, right in the middle of the Iranian Hostage Crisis.
*Roy jumps out of a car and attacks Jeff. They have a huge fight with Toby locked in the bathroom*
Warlock: He’s like 60!
America: How did these guys expect him NOT to get this mad? He’s putting up a good fight though.
*Roy decks Jeff with a right cross and whacks him with a wooden chair. He goes to strab Jeff with the broken picture frame and realizes Luke is buried in the pit*
Warlock: Uh oh, he figured it out.
*Roy doggie digs until he finds the Edsel. He cheers until Toby runs over and chases him off*
Warlock: Best supporting actor, right?
America: Yes! Go get em boy!
*Toby pisses on Jim to wake him up. He runs out after him screaming*
*Toby alerts Jim to the digging. Meanwhile Rudy and Barbara engage in pillow talk. Jim calls him frantically and Rudy answers after the machine picks up. He runs off to help him but doesn’t tell Barbara what’s up. Rudy lies and says Jeff got in a fight and he has to bail him out*
Warlock: That’s not gonna work is it?
America: Probably not. I’m trying to figure out if the red car thing is real or just made up for the movie.
*When she’s alone, Barbara listens to the answering machine and Jim reveals that Luke is dead and buried, Roy knows and they need to do something. Barbara starts crying*
America: Welp, she knows now.
*The next morning the entire police force shows up with Sam and Roy. They’re going to dig up the pit. Roy says they buried his brother and Rudy says not at all, he’s back. Roy can’t believe it. Nearby Jim douses the unearthed car with gasoline and says “Woooh shit he stinks”
*Jim and Toby rig the car to drive and it flies off. Rudy spots the car “Oh there he comes now”. Sam “Jesus he IS still alive.” The car then plows through traffic and explodes when it hits the power transformer*
Warlock: Good thinking.
*Roy says touche to Rudy. He says he kept out of jail but the lot is now his. Rudy then says the lot is Barbara’s who’s staying over his place. Roy punches out Rudy and nails Jeff as well. The cops haul Roy away as Barbara fires Rudy, Jim and Jeff. She wanted the truth, he bullshitted her so he’s fired. She slaps him*
America: Had that coming.
*Few days later Rudy tries to sell a bike but can’t. Jim, Jeff and Rudy are all crashing in Rudy’s trailer. Rudy is still 5 grand short. Jeff says to bet on Denver in that night’s football game. He put 10 dollars down since the game is in Denver against Kansas City. Rudy gets a phone call from Mr Caldwell of the senate committee. He needs to bring in the 60 grand tomorrow or he’s out*
Warlock: Bet on Denver?
*Carmine steals a script of the commercial Barbara is going to film. She hasn’t sold a car in 4 days. She’ll be bankrupt in 3 weeks. Roy gets a phone call and he says she’ll be bankrupt, the guy on the other line says forget about his lot because the mayor okay’d the freeway building through his lot. Her filmed commercial says she has a style of cars for them to choose from. Roy’s TV hacker (Dave Adams) switches style with “mile”. That means she’s guilty of false advertising*
*When the commercial airs, Jim and Jeff say she’s fucked because of the false advertising. Mr Ghertner confronts Rudy at the bar. He says he’s about to lose his job. They go to have a fight but Rudy notices Denver is kicking ass. Rudy reveals he bet 40 grand on KANSAS CITY. Jeff is shocked*
*Jeff begins throwing salt, crawling under the step ladder near the bar, opening umbrellas and asks if anyone’s got a black cat*
Warlock and America: Hahahahahaha
*Kansas City beats Denver as Jeff smashes a window, Rudy wins 40 grand*
Warlock: Don’t you love to win 80 grand?
America: He spent the whole movie trying to get this money and he just got that cash in about 5 minutes by betting on the game.
America: Then why is this even a movie?
Warlock: Well, he needed the money by tomorrow, otherwise he would have waited.
*Rudy hands over the money to the mayor’s aide. The aide reveals that Barbara is going in front of court in 5 minutes to face false advertising charges. At the courthouse, Roy is mad he’s got “Hanging” Judge Harrison (Al Lewis) who’s legit, not on the take. Sam says Harrison gave a kid who stole a case of beer, 35 years of hard labor. Back in the car, Rudy runs out of the car with his money and hitches a ride to court*
Warlock: And now he comes to save the day.
*Judge Harrison walks in chewing tobacco*
Warlock: Hey look its Grandpa Munster.
America: So it is.
*Harrison “This court….is now..in session”
*Barbara takes the oath as Rudy literally falls into court and sits down*
Warlock: Nice way to make an entrance.
*Harrison shines up a pair of handcuffs as Barbara submits to questioning*
Warlock: Ironic as Jack Warden was on 12 Angry Men.
*Sam “Do you have a mile of cars to sell on your lost?” Rudy silently shouts at her to say yes. She says “Yes” and the court goes nuts.*
Warlock: How are they gonna pull this off?
*Harrison asks her if she really has a mile of cars and she says yes. Sam says she needs 250 cars to pull it off. Rudy says she has the 250*
Warlock: Ohhhhhh I get it.
*Harrison calls a recess and court will resume at 2:45 PM at New Deal to count the cars. Meanwhile Rudy hands over the money to Manuel for the 250 cars he has. Manuel asks how he’s going to transport the cars. Meanwhile Mr Ghertner shows up with the 250 kids he was teaching*
Warlock: Oh my goddddddd, he’s gonna have the driver’s Ed kids drive the cars. So there’s your plot, he blows his Senate seat to rescue Barbara and the Used Car lot.
*Ghertner rides with Nervous Nona (Wendie Jo Sperber)*
America: Holy shit! She was in 1941.
Warlock: Yeah, that’s Wendie Jo Sperber.
America: Of all the movies to recognize from, I’m the only one to say 1941.
Warlock: You’re right, I know her from Back to the Future.
*Jim says they’ll have 18 feet of free space so they’ll need every car available. Jeff is in his own car, another car drives a tow truck, Rudy and Barbara are in the lead truck driven by Jim*
America: How many takes do you think it took to have all 250 cars drive off safely and not ram into each other?
Warlock: I’m sure Robert Zemeckis had it figured out.
*They drive by the desert*
Warlock: Isn’t that the setting for Red Dead Redemption?
*Rudy says everyone needs to go 75 miles per hour*
Warlock: Floor it motherfuckers!
America: Love how nobody else in on the road.
*Gertrude (Judy Began) and Poindexter (Bill Wine) argue over driving legality. Gertrude says they can’t fine her because she doesn’t have her license yet. The cops flash the noise behind her and she slams on the brake causing the towed car to fall off and the trooper to crash. She floors it and drives off. Jeff walkie talkies Rudy and saying they lost their 18 foot advtantage. Rudy tells Jeff to take the point to make sure there are no other cops. He drives on ahead and spots a road block*
Warlock: Oh great, a road block.
*Carmine, Mickey and Roy take off after the convoy once Mickey hears about it*
Warlock: Here they come.
*The entire convoy goes off-road as Jeff continues on*
Warlock: They had metal cars, they can take it.
America: No they can’t, the shocks and axle are gonna be fucked! The only thing that won’t be are metal frames.
*Rudy, Sam and Mickey drive off after the convoy as Jeff drives past a road crew. The water reveals Jeff’s car was red all along*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Harrison says he should be playing golf. Meanwhile Roy has pulled up in his own pickup truck. Carmine drives as Mickey and Roy jump up. Mickey has a gun and threatens Jim. Mickey falls on the hood and Jim punches through the window to knock him flying*
America: That works.
*Roy swings a tow chain that knocks Rudy flying. Roy then threatens Jim and goes to swing at Barbara with a wrench. Rudy jumps on one car after another to make it back to the pickup. Nona “What am I supposed to do when someone’s standing on the hood of my car?”
Warlock: You come to the ring, and carry a wrench.
*Rudy punches Roy off and the day is saved…..until Jeff realizes he’s driving a red car, screams, pulls over and runs away*
America: Saw that coming.
*The convoy makes it to the lot but nearly destroys it by parking all at once*
Warlock: Still one car short.
America: That just turned into a fairgrounds demolition derby attraction.
*Mr Ghertner says Nona should get her license in another state*
*Sam shows up by himself with Judge Harrison. Jim starts celebrating until he realizes Jeff is not there. Rudy has to talk Jeff into forgetting about the redness. Toby was riding with Jeff*
America: The dog really is the best part of the movie.
*Rudy convinces Jeff to get going. He literally pulls up to a tow truck, hijacks the tow lever and gets rid of the other car. He uses a ramp to jump a moving train*
Warlock: Yeah that’s realistic right?
America: Uh…..well….in theory, yes.
*Roy runs up and says they cheated, Sam says they’re one car short. Roy starts laughing but Jeff pulls into the final space. He’s still 2 inches short and Roy pounds on Jeff’s car to celebrate. The pound causes the license plate to fall, Harrison counts the inches and says CASE DISMISSED!”
Warlock: Yeah, that was fun.
*Roy yells at Harrison and Harrison has him arrested. Sam tries to jump ship to work for Barbara now that Roy is out of business. An old lady (Mildred Brion) asks if that’s yellow paint, Barbara says its yellow primer. End credits*
America: Yup, she’ll do.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I’ll give it a 5. It was entertaining but nothing special. Toby the dog was the best part of the movie.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it an 8. I laughed my ass off at how simple, stupid and entertaining it was. It was unrealistic yet almost every scene had a least something important or something to laugh at. I love how Jack Warden was able to play two completely different characters.
Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very Good
*America rises from the rocking chair as Warlock remains seated*
Warlock: The best way I can put this is that this movie is the equivilent to Animal House only witdueling Used Car lots instead of frat houses. It pretty much was a harbinger of the cliche 80’s where local boy wants to leave his every day job behind for stardom and remains there at the end. Although since this was 1980, I guess it wasn’t really a cliche at that point. The actors were solid, the plot was easy to fopllow and I had fun watching it.
America: Well I’m glad you did, I’m getting out of here.
Warlock: Where you going?
America: Back to 2016, this is ridiculous.
Warlock: Ah ah ah, I got Goldeneye for N64.
*America heads for the door but then stops in his tracks*
America: Say that again?
*Warlock flicks his wrist and a nearby N64 cartridge is tossed to America, who catches it*
America: Why didn’t you say so? Hell yeah!
*America runs toward the console and puts the cartridge in before hitting the start button*
Warlock: You forgot to blow on the cartridge.
*America tosses him one controller and picks up another before taking a seat in the wooden chair*
America: Why don’t you blow me?
Warlock: Gonna blow you away in a minute.
America: Yeah right!
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.