*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a Big Island University #95 jersey with the name Kincaid on the back, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t thinks so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and then enters the lair*
Warlock: Tonight’s movie is a tribute to the late John Matuszak.
*Mr. America is sitting in the recliner wearing a Big Island University #85 jersey with the name Kincaid on the back*
America: I thought we were watching the football game.
Warlock: We are, but first a movie with a football player first.
America: Who’s that?
Warlock: John Matuszak was with the Oakland Raiders when they were the bad guys of the NFL. He was one of their defensive lineman when they won Superbowls 11 and 15.
America: So he’s doing movies now?
Warlock: Well he did, up until he died.
Warlock: So let’s start tonight’s movie, One Man Force.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “In this action packed film, an L.A. cop speeds off to get revenge upon the dirty drug-dealing dogs who killed his partner.”
America: Cop seeking revenge for partner killed, sounds like other cop movies we’ve seen. Of course its a one man force, his partner died!
*Upbeat 80’s song over opening credits*
Warlock: I hear this song on sports montages all the time.
*Special appearance by Stacey Q*
Warlock: Oh god, didn’t she sing Two of Hearts?
America: Yeah, this isn’t good.
*Jake (John Matuszak) runs over cardboard boxes*
Warlock: Oh, nice.
America: Great driving.
*Jake puts pantyhose on his head and grabs his .44 mag*
Warlock: I like the gun if nothing else.
*Jake rips the door off its hinges*
Warlock: Gotta love steroids.
*Jake tries to pick a lock*
America: If he’s wearing a mask and concerned that people may see him, WHY IS HE ROBBING THE PLACE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?
*Shirley (Sharon Farrell) flirts with Pete (Sam J Jones)*
Warlock: Hey its Flash Gordon.
America: Are you sure?
*Jake goes to shoot Pete and Shirley but some kid pops up and a shootout commences*
America: I love how they’re using heavy calibur guns yet they sound like they’re silenced.
*Kid pops both Pete and Jake. Even the drunk RJ (George Flower) gets tagged. Pete and Jake drop. When Jake gets up,Shirley sprays everyone with water and they all laugh. They were using paintball guns*
Warlock: ohhhhhh, Wargames, nice.
America: Paintball guns, no wonder why they didn’t make any noise.
*Kid says he has to go to school. Jake says they have to meet McCoy (Ronny Cox). Jake got a tip from Chico (Daniel Rojo). McCoy tells them the answer is no!*
America: Hey its him!
Warlock: Mr Cohagen…or Dick Jones.
*McCoy’s office is being painted. He yells at Jake and Pete. He knocks over the paint telling them to get out. Jake storms off and Pete thanks the presinct because now he has to ride with this nut*
*Jake and Pete pull up, Chico nervously tells them the deal is near. Jake grabs him, pulls his gun and says if this goes sour he’s gonna blow his head off and shoot his throat*
America: What a guy.
*Jake and Pete sneak around*
Warlock: Jake has food buried around here, I know it.
America: What the hell are you talking about?
*El Tipre (Tomas Goros) watches over the drug deal as a henchman starts shooting. A shootout commences with Jake and Pete tagging various vatos. El Tipre blows away Pete with a shotgun*
Warlock: Matuszak was a defensive lineman, that was a lousy pash rush.
*El Tipre gets away as Jake picks up a refrigerator and bullrushes one last vato with it*
Warlock: That’s more like it.
*Pete dies in Jake’s arms. Jake then awakes from a nightmare*
Warlock: So we imagined the whole thing?
America: I’m guessing no. Otherwise it wouldn’t be much of a movie.
*Newscaster says Pete is dead and Leah Jennings (Stacey Q) was kidnapped. Jake picks up Shirley and carries her to bed. Meanwhile the kidnapping is two guys in masks and uzis rushing the stage while she performs and dragging her away*
Warlock: Hahahahaha what? Nice security.
*Shirley begs Jake to stay with her until she falls asleep. Shes out cold within 8 seconds*
Warlock: That didn’t take long.
*The kid walks in, sees Jake in bed with her and walks out. Jake “Wonderful”
America: Great timing.
*Jake bullrushes a van and attacks Chico and his friends, tossing them out various windows and choking him*
Warlock and America: Hahahahaha
*Jake attacks Chico in a prison cell. Various officers restrain him. McCoy suspends Jake and Jake screams “FUCK YOU!” before he leaves*
Warlock: Jesus, this is quick.
*Leah’s manager (Dennis A Pratt) wants to hire Jake to find Leah*
Warlock: That’s the guy who wrote Leprechaun 4.
America: Oh god, shoot him now.
*Ronnie (Chance Boyer) is the kid’s name. He’s having a smokeout and Jake catches him. Jake says he’s gonna kick his ass and Ronnie screams his mother’s a drunk. Jake throws him on the bed and yells at him not to talk about his mother like that. He storms downstairs and Jake follows. Ronnie starts hitting the heavy bag and Jake apologizes. Ronnie says he has to go*
Warlock: This movie is moving way too fast.
America: Better too fast than too slow.
*Jake visits Hazel (Shirley Jo Finney) and needs to know about the kidnapping case*
Warlock: Hey its Wilma.
*Jake hits up the Blue Leather bar. Its S % M oriented with shirtless men in cages with a blonde girl in spandex*
Warlock: Get me the fuck out of here. I’ll take her though.
America: You do realize that she is probably a he.
*El Tirpe and his crew are there. He sicks the Slave Master (Tony Brubaker) and the Love Slave (Doc D Charbonneau) on him. Jake wipes out everyone in the bar using the love Slave as a tetherball*
Warlock: That was innovative.
*One guy takes a bump halfway up the wall*
Warlock: Oh-HO! That was a good bump.
*Two guys assist Jake and Jake shakes their hands outside only for them to turn on him in the alley. Jake wipes them both out and nearly is run over by El Tirpe. Jake chases after him*
Warlock: Like I said, they’re not wasting any time.
*Jake tails Tirpe and his crew home. Jake follows them in*
Warlock: Wouldn’t this be considered illegal search.
America: Considering he’s under suspension, I don’t think ANYTHING he’s doing is legal.
*2 vatos shoot at Jake. He runs off, whole gang chases after him. He grunts up the stairs*
Warlock: That was nonsense hahaha.
America: I love how everywhere he’s gone, he’s been found easily.
Warlock: Well he looks like a mack truck.
America: Well, in this, he didn’t even make it through the first hallway and someone found him.
*Jake busts through wooden door and drops two vatos. He knocks on door 410 and some short lady brings him inside. She makes him get undressed as 5 gang members barge in. She throws them all out and says she’s working. Jake escapes out the fire escape*
Warlock: Love how she threw all 5 of them out and they got guns, she’s about 5 foot 1 if that.
*Next morning Shirley shows Jake the newspaper, the manager that hired him isn’t the real manager of Leah. Jake smells a rat*
Warlock: That explains how they’re finding him, he was set up. Wow, they’re actually explaining shit in this movie.
*Jake finds fake manager dead in a bathtub with his wrists slit. The two guys from earlier arrest him, they’re undercover cops. Jake is thrown in jail, McCoy of all people bails him out. Jake says he figured out he’s not the real manager and this is related to Pete’s murder. McCoy tells him to stay away the kidnapping case*
Warlock: Hahahaha, yeah that’s gonna happen.
*Ronnie outside the police station taunts him for being arrested. He has a bruise on his face, he quit buying dope and they beat him up. Jake is proud of him. He jumps in the car with Ronnie as McCoy looks on. Jake trains Ronnie on the heavy bag*
Warlock: What is the point of this? Bonding moments? Hmmm, don’t know why. *shrugs*
America: Was that supposed to be a montage to show him improving? He’s gone from a sloth to a turtle!
*Jake tails a car*
Warlock: Who’s he tailing now?
America: This movie isn’t wasting any time so I’m sure they’ll tell us.
*Jake follows the two “cops” who work for Mr Adams (Richard Lynch). Jake poses as the janitor to get by the secretary*
Warlock: Yeah, janitors are 6’8 275 pounds normally.
*Adams tells the two guys that Santiago (Richard Lopez) is looking to make a deal. We switch to Jake talking with a stockbroker (Brian Tochi) about Adams and Trinity. Adams is laundering money and was behind the kidnapping*
Warlock: Hey its Takashi from Revenge of the Nerds.
*Adams gives a speech and his aide spots Jake*
America: He needs to take lessons from Waldo.
*Dante (Charles Napier) meets with Santiago and his girlfriend (Borovnisa Blervaque). One of the two “cops” is Wilson (Robert Tessier). Adams is laundering the money through Santiago and this people have Leah. Dante calls him an asshole and pulls out a badge. He says let Leah go or he’s dead*
*Jake watches intently as Dante and Wilson leave. El Tirpe tells Santago that Jake is there*
Warlock: He has all the stealth of an atomic bomb.
America: Told you.
*El Tirpe makes a drug deal, Jake follows his 1930’s sedan until a second car rams into him, another chase scene*
Warlock: Even when driving, they find him.
*Chico is driving the other car. Jake laughs at him and says he’s gonna get him. Jake plugs the vato next to Chico. He rams Chico into a pepsi truck which explodes. Next day McCoy asks what happened. Jake “If he wanted a soda he should have just asked.”
*McCoy tries to get him to enter rehab to get his old job back. Jake says he’s not gonna give up the case just to get his job back. We get a training montage of Ronnie and Jake kicking ass on the heavy bag*
Warlock: There’s your improvement. He’s not a turtle anymore, what is he now?
America: I was wrong. He went from a freaking snail, to a sloth, NOW he’s a turtle.
*Jake hits up a club and eyeballs a hot chick, its Santiago’s girlfriend Blueberry*
Warlock: Her name is Blueberry?
America: What the fuck?
*Weekend Toiz plays at the club*
Warlock: This song sucks.
*Blueberry brings Jake back to Santiago’s place. They hit on each other and she says he’s away on business. She shoves him onto the couch and takes off her dress. Santiago then shows up and turns the light on. He insults her and asks what Jake wants. Jake is taken hostage and tied up in a barn*
Warlock: Went from one frame to that in 5 seconds?
*Jake spots Leah in a nearby barn and shouts that he’s a cop. He says he’s been looking for her. Jake uses his brute strength to try to escape the trap. Meanwhile a group of vatos show up*
Warlock: The guy with the shovel is up to no good.
*El Tirpe’s gang corners Jake and he flicks a knife. He removes his shirt and starts using Jake as a punching bag. He asks who Jake works for. Jake “Fuck…you!” Tirpe calls him a cabron, Jake counters with “maricon”.
*Tirpe goes apeshit on Jake with a shovel. They untie him and toss him in a crate. They nail it shut and put it in the back of a truck as Leah cries nearby*
Warlock: How’s he gonna escape this one?
America: He’ll find a way.
*Jake ecapes the crate as Pepe (Gary Carlos Cervantes) and El Tirpe laugh, thinking they got him. Jake knocks out Pepe without El Tirpe noticing*
Warlock: His stealth improved.
America: Its a miracle.
*Jake grabs Tirpe by the throat and shouts “You killed my partner!” The truck swerves all over the road. Tirpe grabs a gun and shoots Jake’s coat. Jake falls off but Tirpe drives into a ditch and the car explodes*
Warlock: What???? Nothing happened to cause an explosion. I’ve spun out like that and my car never exploded.
America: SPUN OUT? That’s not spinning out, that’s driving off a freakin cliff.
*Ronnie is confronted by the three bullies from earlier. He wipes them out by himself but then jumps up and says “Yeah I kicked some ass!”
Warlock: That cheesy line almost ruined a cool bully beatdown.
*McCoy gives the bad news that Leah was found dead. They investigate and find Santiago and his girlfriend dead along with Leah. Jake tells him Adams had them all killed to shut them up. McCoy tells him to lay off Adams, he’s too powerful. Jake says he’s got all the probable cause he needs*
Warlock: So he DOESN’T save the girl.
*Jake confronts Mr. Jacobowitz (Richard Green) and says he’s under arrest for his gross income. He threatens him and Jacobowitz tries to run away. Jake pulls a gun on him and Jacobowitz says “You wouldn’t dare!” Jake shoots his ear off. Jake “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was loaded”
*Jake demands him to sing. Jacobowitz says all he does is look away. Jacobowitz is recorded as saying the money comes from Mexico and drug money. Jake asks who gives the orders and Jacobowitz says its Adams. Jake brings the confession to McCoy and McCoy says inadmissible….but its true. McCoy says Adams is too big to bring down*
America: Oh please, its a movie. You’ll find a way!
*Jake has an idea but needs McCoy’s help. McCoy “I guess its time I listened to you.”
Warlock: Ya think?
*Tomas (Richard Leos) says Sparky (Josh Cruze) will be happy to see him. Sparky is in a wheelchair. They were in Vietnam together. Jake needs some munitions for a job. They set up a stakeout and McCoy brings an APC*
Warlock: Oh shit.
America: This just got better.
*Adams meets Jake in a flaming construction site. Adams threatens him with Dante…..and McCoy*
Warlock: Saw that coming.
*McCoy says Jake should have listened when he told him to lay off. Adams reveals he paid off McCoy’s gambling debts. McCoy tells Adams he doesn’t have the stomach for this anymore. Adams says let Dante kill Jake if McCoy can’t. McCoy pulls a gun on Jake and tells Dante to search him. They find a tape recorder which Sparky rigged to blow. Explosions happen all around as everyone splits up. McCoy shouts its a fake. Dante and McCoy start shooting at Jake. Jake blows away Dante as Adams calls for Wilson. Jake says McCoy is next*
Warlock: Finally the big finale.
*They shoot at each other until Jake shoots a barrell that explodes, killing McCoy. Jake “That’s for Pete!”*
*Wilson pops out of the tank with Ronnie and Shirley as a hostages*
Warlock: Nice insurance policy.
America: OH boy, that’s an insurance policy alright.
*Adams tells Wilson to take care of them all as he runs off. Ronnie bullrushes Wilson and Shirley pulls a gun on Adams. Wilson and Jake fight one on one*
America: Ohhhh boy Adams you are in trouble. You got the pissed off wife after you!
*Wilson drops a pepsi machine on Wilson, crushing him. Ronnie and Shirley run fo it as Jake chases Adams*
Warlock: Was this movie sponsored by Pepsi or something?
*Jake corners Adams. Jake cuts a promo on Adams and continues to chase him around. “You kill our children, you poison their lives. You are a blight on the world.”
Warlock: I give it a 3, his delivery was kind of weak.
*Adams climbs a ladder up a billboard and kicks a paint can on him*
America: Did he expect a freakin Tom and Jerry scenario?
*Jake pulls Adams off the ladder and he gets caught in a rope, he bungee swings into a fire pit and is burned alive*
Warlock: Oooooh that was legit cool.
America: I was about to say that the force of the rope would have tore his hip out of the socket, but then he swung into the fire which rendered the whole thing useless.
Warlock: Good to know Al and King Kong’s cousin, Buzz Bundy worked on this movie.
America: Do you wanna know how much I care.
America: Not at all!
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4. It was a decent watch and I’ll give credit for advancing the plot, just would have liked some more development.
The Warlock’s Assessment: Fast paced, kind of corny, had some cool moments here and there. I give it a 5.5. Its watchable.
Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that was the definition of B movie. Nothing special but not the worst either. Its a shame that shortly after the movie was released, Matsuzak died. He would have had a second career in movies had he lived. Both him and Lyle Alzado are proof that drugs and steroids don’t mix. That about wraps up another averagetastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.