*The Warlock opens the door to the lair. He’s wearing a white t-shirt, sneakers, black leather jacket, blue jeans and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass bottle of pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates before entering the lair*
Warlock: Tonight we have a real treat. A movie not picked by me, but by Lady T.
*Lady T is in the recliner wearing a flowing red dress, she purrs at the camera. Neyzor Blades is on the left side of the couch wearing standard attire, she has her arms folded*
Neyz: Bullshit! I picked out the movie, its been one of my favorites for years!
Warlock: Ok fine, you picked it out.
T: hey, I wanted to watch it, technically I picked it.
Warlock: Both of you pick your noses then. Tonight’s movie is the cult classic Rocky Horror Picture Show. Released in 1975, its been one of the most talked about movies for 40 years now. Since there is a god awful remake out now, we may as well watch the original.
*Warlock takes his seat next to Neyzor Blades, she lays her head on his chest and he wraps his arm around her*
Warlock: So let’s kick off Rocky Horror Picture Show.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A newly engaged couple have a breakdown in an isolated area and must pay a call to the bizarre residence of Dr. Frank-N-Furter.”
Neyz: Why aren’t you in pajamas?
T: This is the temperature it is right now.
*Movie opens with singing lips*
T: Lips for days
*The song is Science Fiction by Richard O’Brien over the opening credits*
Neyz: Do you want a frankenfuter with mistard?
T: Super pink!
*At a church, Betty (Hillary Farr) and Ralph (Jeremy Newson) are married. Janet (Susan Sarandon) and Brad (Barry Bostwick) are a couple but aren’t married yet*
*Brad sings Dammit Janet*
Neyz: I smell poop.
Warlock: They’re in Denton, Texas?
*A farmer (Richard O’Brien) and his wife (Patricia Quinn) sing montone with them*
Warlock: What the hell is this?
Neyz: Its a musical.
Warlock: Oh god…..
*The preacher (Tim Curry) joins the farmer in his wife as they enter the church singing. Another lady (Nell Campbell) was with them*
Warlock: Oh, so these are the actors looking normal.
*The Criminologist (Charles Gray) narrates the intro*
Neyz: Look, its you with all the books.
Warlock: I’M Charles Gray??
*Brad and Janet were on their way to see Dr. Everett Scott (Jonathan Adams) when they broke down*
T: Now we get spooky.
*Brad and Janet are listening to Richard Nixon (himself) resigning as President on the radio*
Warlock: Ha, that’s his actual resignation speech.
*Brad and Janet see a popped tire and head to the castle they saw earlier. The sign on the gate says “Enter if You Dare”
Neyz: My favorite song is coming.
Warlock: Over At Frankenstein’s Place?
*Brad and Janet perform Over at Frankenstein’s Place*
Warlock: Motorcycle gang.
Neyz: Came to party!
*Riff Raff (the farmer) spies on the couple*
Neyz: I think he wrote most of the songs.
Warlock: Try ALL of them. This was his play originally.
*The Criminologist continues the narration in his office*
Warlock: Ok Blofield.
*Brad rings the doorbell*
T: That’s the weirdest doorbell I’ve ever heard in my life.
*Riff Raff opens the door with a weird helloooooo. Brad answers with a preppy “Hi”
Neyz and T: Hahahaha
*Riff Raff “You’re all wet” Brad “Yes, its raining”
*Brad “This is probably a hunting lodge for rich weirdos*
Warlock: Really dude?
*Riff Raff says they have arrived. Magenta (farmer’s wife) and Riff Raff go into Time Warp and we get a music video*
T: This is your favorite song?
*Warlock stands, flings his jacket off, sings along perfectly with the music video*
Neyz: Will you stop?
T: I thought you’ve never seen the movie.
*Columbia (another lady) goes into her solo*
Warlock: Time ain’t nothin
*Brad smiles along with the chorus*
Warlock: Love how Brad is having a blast and Janet looks ready to run away.
*Columbia dance solo*
T: Can you imagine your mother dancing to this?
*Criminologist “Its just a jump to the left…put your hands on your hips”
Neyz: My favorite part is coming up.
*Entire dance party collapses*
Neyz: That’s me right there.
*Brad admires the dancers as Janet wants to leave*
*Dr Frank N Futer (preacher) comes down in an elevator with a beat*
Neyz: NOW its my favorite.
*Frank N Futer goes into Sweet Transvestyte*
*Neyz stands up and sings along*
Warlock: He reminds me of Paul Stanley.
*Futer blows off Brad and Janet to sing with Riff Raff, Magenta and Columbia*
Neyz: Just a sweet transvestite.
*Janet and Brad lean in, so does Warlock, T and Neyz*
Neyz: Don’t go there.
T: He went there.
*Futer “So come up to the lab, see what’s on the slab”
*Magenta pulls Brad’s pants down and he doesn’t even acknowledge it. Brad and Janet get disrobed*
Warlock: Love how he goes along with it like nothing is happening.
*Riff Raff drops the champagne bottle*
*Brad cuts a promo on Dr Frank and Frank says he’s a perfect specimen of manhood. Riff Raff says the experiment is ready. Dr. Frank with Magenta and Columbia by his side gives a speech while pulling on a rubber glove*
Neyz and T: Hahahahahaha
*Frank pulls back a curtain and reveals an android in a water cube. Frank calls out to Riff Raff to kick up the voltage. 2 whole minutes go by*
*Rocky Horror (Peter Hinwood) comes alive and his singing voice (Trevor White) sings The Sword of Damoclese*
Warlock: Testiclese, the God of courage
Neyz: Heh, Frank n Futer is so funny.
*Frank N Futer in high heels runs after Rocky as Riff Raff dances along*
Warlock: Pffft what the hell?
*Columbia says its “okay” and Frank gets pissed. Frank asks Janet what she thinks, she doesn’t like a musclehead. Frank “I didn’t make him for YOU.”
*Frank goes into I Can Make You A Man*
Warlock: Awww what a sweet serenade…..gross.
*Eddie (Meatloaf) makes his appearance riding through a wall on a motorcycle. Eddie performs Hot Patootie (Bless My Soul)*
Warlock: Why is he here again?
Neyz: Cause of Columbia.
*We get another music video. Eddie plays the sax*
Warlock: Frank is completely unimpressed.
*Riff Raff and Magenta make their exit as Rocky dances along, Frank shoves him into the elevator. Eddie rides his motorcycle up the stairs where Frank grabs an ice pick. The song ends and Frank kills him with the ice pick*
Warlock: Wow, a cold blooded murder. What a party.
*Frank lets Rocky out of the elevator. “It was a mercy killing” Frank resumes singing I Can Make You A Man*
Warlock: So we’ll just pretend Meatloaf was never there.
*Frank jumps in Rocky’s arm. Back at the Criminologist, he’s got a copy of EC Comics’ Weird Fantasy*
Warlock: Weird Fantasy was a fun comic. Maybe I AM this guy.
*Brad and Janet are forced to sleep in different rooms. Frank is disguised as Brad and he climbs on top of her. He reveals himself and he starts kissing up on her. Janet initially resists her. He then sweet talks her into doing it with her*
Warlock: Wow, unfaithful much?
*Riff Raff and Magenta are plotting something. They spot Rocky sleeping*
Warlock: What’s he gonna do, ass rape him?
*Riff Raff chases Rocky with a giant candle stick*
*Riff Raff kisses up on Magenta. Meanwhile Frank runs into Brad’s room and he comes on him. Frank kisses up on him and repeats the same scene with Janet. Frank goes to get it on with Brad*
Warlock: No wonder this has a cult following.
Neyz: Highly controversial.
*Riff Raff video calls Frank and says Rocky has escaped. The dogs has been sent after him. Susan cuts a promo on Brad before she finds Rocky on the ground. He rubs her hand. We go back to Criminologist who narrates emotion. Magenta and Columbia watch on TV as Janet performs Touch Me*
Neyz: To to to touchhhh me.
*Frank lashes Riff Raff with a bullwhip for letting Rocky get away. Until Raff notices Dr. Everett Scott at the door*
Warlock: Here comes the rival.
*Frank browbeats Brad about him being a friend of Scott’s*
T: Good times.
*Scott goes around and around in a wheel chair until he crashes. Frank “Great Scott!”
Warlock: Oh, so that’s where Doc Brown got it.
*Scott is there because Eddy was his nephew. Before anything else happens, Rocky and Janet pop up naked. Magenta bangs on a gong and says dinner is prepared*
Warlock: Shoot em!
*The Criminologist narrates the dinner where Riff Raff, Magenta, Brad, Janet, Scott, Columbia, Rocky and Frank attend*
Neyz: Magenta looks amazing in that outfit.
*Riff Raff spills wine everywhere*
Neyz: He’s just slopping all over the place.
*Frank puts on a birthday hat and sings happy birthday to Rocky*
T: I want his hat.
*Columbia shouts out “Eddy”and Frank buzzes a turkey cutter at her*
*Columbia leaves and cries. Dr Scott then performs Eddy for the crowd*
*Riff Raff and Magenta sing along*
Warlock: What a guy.
*Frank reveals the dead body of Eddy. Everyone screams and runs away. Frank then performs Planet, Schmanet, Janet. Brad can’t move*
T: Look how close together his eyes are. I can’t stand it.
*Janet figures out Frank is building a spaceship*
Warlock: Well this just got all sorts of….
*Frank continues to sing and Brad joins in shaking his fists*
Warlock: Mr. America would be proud.
*Frank turns Brad, Janet and Scott into anatomically correct statues. Columbia cuts a promo on Frank about how much he sucks and preys about people. She says choose between her and Rocky. Frank turns her into a statue as well. Frank “Its not easy having a good time”
*Frank cuts a promo on Magenta and Riff Raff*
Neyz: Riff Raff is like “I’m totally stoned….”
*Back at the Criminologist, he cuts a promo himself on the beginning of the end*
*Frank dresses the statues up in lingerie and they perform Rose Tint My World when he unzaps everyone*
Neyz and T: Hahahahahahaha
Warlock: An orgasmic rush of lust.
*Janet starts crooning*
Warlock: I think she looks better like this with makeup on.
*Frank performs Don’t Deam It in front of an old makeshift RKO radio tower*
Warlock: Fay Wray…King Kong.
*Scott is unzapped and even he has nylons and high heels on*
T: Ahhhhhhhhh oh my god.
*Everyone swims in a pool then does a choreographed dance routine on stage*
Warlock: Can’t imagine how many takes they needed with someone laughing.
*Riff Raff and Magenta bust in while in their natural alien look. Frank says he can explain*
*Frank performs I’m Going Home*
Warlock: What is this?
Neyz: Its his story.
*Frank gets a standing ovation from an imaginary crowd*
Neyz: Thank you, thank you.
*Riff Raff and Magenta said only they are going back to Transylvania…not Frank. Scott says he has a lazer. Brad says why kill Frank? Scott said he killed Eddy. Riff agrees with Scott. Scott says Frank must pay. Columbia screams and Raff shoots her dead*
Neyz: Hello…to Oblivion.
*Frank tries to climb up the wall but Riff shoots him dead. Rocky is distraught and starts climbing the tower like King Kong with Frank in his arms. Riff Raff keeps shooting him but he’s unaffected. Then Rocky and Frank fall into the pool, dead*
Warlock: So much for them.
*Scott says Raff did well. Scott apologizes for Eddy’s death and tells him, Brad and Janet to leave. They’re transporting back to planet Transsexual in the galaxy Transylvania. Magenta laughs and Riff calls her his sister*
Warlock: Now it makes sense.
*Magenta does a soliloquy intertwined with the Time Warp*
Warlock: Nice mashup.
*The castle rocket shoots to the sky leaving Scott, Janet and Brad behind in lingerie*
Neyz: The things popping out again.
*Back to the Criminologist, he narrates the ending. The human race are insects, lost in time, space and meaning. He leaves as we get another rendition of Science Fiction. End credits*
Warlock: Its over.
Lady T’s Assessment: That was very interesting. It was not my favorite movie but with saying that, I enjoyed myself watching it. I LOVED the music. I give it a 6.5 out of 10.
Neyzor Blades Assessment: Its very controversial. It grew on me over time. I give it an 8 out of 10.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I thought it was amazing for its time. 1975 was right in the middle of the most racist and misogynist era in Hollywood, so for this to break out of the pack with its androgynous overtones makes it a trendsetter. I give it an 8 out of 10 for the amazing soundtrack, ground breaking sexual themes and its story.
Final Grade: 7 out of 10 – Great.
*The Warlock, Neyzor Blades and Lady T all rise*
Warlock: Well that was a lot of fun, what say you?
*Lady T breaks out into Dammit Janet*
*Neyz breaks out into Sweet Transvestyte*
*Warlock breaks out into Time Warp*
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.