*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, a Sorrow Creek City Limits t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a diamond studded goblet of pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*The Warlock levitates, spins in a circle and enters the lair*
Warlock: Tonight we take a look at the fourth and final Batman movie that Tim Burton started in 1988. After the commercial success of Batman and Batman Returns, the series took a turn with Batman Forever in 1995 then completely fell off the cliff with tonight’s movie. That’s right, we’re doing Batman and Robin.
*Thug D is sitting in the recliner. He’s wearing a jean jacket with metal band patches on it, black jeans, sneakers and an Armored Saint t-shirt along with Oaklies*
D: Fall off a cliff is an understatement. It killed the franchise deader than shit.
*The Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: But is it as bad as the critics said it was in 1997? Let’s find out and begin Batman and Robin.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Batman and Robin try to keep their relationship together even as they must stop Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy from freezing Gotham City.”
D: That’s pretty cool.
D: They screwed this one up big time.
Warlock: Arnold Schwarzenegger should have been Bane, not Freeze. Bane’s supposed to be smart.
*Bruce “Batman” Wayne (George Clooney) and Dick “Robin” Grayson (Chris O’Donnell) get packed for battle*
D: He’s wearing the Nightwing costume.
D: He doesn’t get it until AFTER he leaves Batman.
*Alfred Pennyworth (Michael Gough) says he’ll cancel the pizzas*
Warlock: No Dominoes product placement.
*Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) says Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is trying to steal a diamond. Batman is on his way*
Warlock: Governor Arnold.
*Mr. Freeze starts freezing everything and all cops. Batman busts through the window and says “Hi Freeze, I’m Batman.”
D: Could he have any less enthusiasm while saying that?
*Freeze “You’re not sending me to the cooler”
D: If we had a drinking game going of taking a shot on every bad joke, we’d die of alcohol poisoning.
*Robin shows up and Freeze calls for his Ice Thugs. Batman and Robin start fighting them off*
D: *Sings the Batman TV theme*
Warlock: All that’s missing is POW, ZAP and BIFF!
*Robin goes to town with a hockey stick*
Warlock: That’s two minutes for high sticking.
*Freeze “What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!”
D: Great, an ice joke.
*Ice Thug (Stephan Desjardins) slapshots the diamond into Freeze’s hand*
Warlock: DESJARDINS SHOOTS HE SCORESSSSSSS!!!!!
D: He a real hockey player?
Warlock: Oh yeah.
*Freeze and Batman shoot to the sky in a spaceship*
D: Its a Goodyear Blimp on steroids.
*Freeze cuts a promo about killing Batman*
Warlock: This is the first time I’ve seen Arnold heel since Terminator.
*Freeze captures Batman and makes his escape. Robin drops in and frees Batman. They blow the rocket ship to save Gotham*
D: Hi, I’m George Clooney, I’m acting.
Warlock: That’s terrible, and this is the first fucking scene.
*Robin captures the diamond on a surfboard and slides down buildings. Robin “Cowabunga!”
D: We’re so lame we have to rip off Ninja Turtles!
*Batman and Robin trail Freeze to his hideout. Freeze uses his freeze gun to freeze Robin. “Stay cool, bird boy.” Freeze says Batman can either save Robin or go after him. He laughs and gets away as Batman saves Robin*
Warlock: A hero to the end.
*Robin thaws “Did we get him?”
D: Another bad joke.
*Dr. Pamela Isley aka Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) does experiments and talks into a tape recorder. She enters a secret lab run by Dr. Jason Woodrue (John Glover). He is demonstrating a new steroid called VENOM. He uses a prisoner named Antonio Diego (Michael Reid MacKay) and pumps him full of it. He transforms into Bane (Jeep Swenson) and busts out of his chains*
Warlock: Its Ultimate Solution from WCW.
D: Couldn’t beat Hulk Hogan, maybe he could beat Batman.
*Bane starts beating the shit out of people and trashing the place. Woodrue spots Isley and whisks her away. Woodrue asks her to join him and Isley yells at him that she’s going to ruin him. Woodrue “I’m afraid you’ll have to die”
Warlock: What a terrible line.
*Woodrue shoves her down and dumps a bunch of poison on her*
Warlock: Yeah this is gonna end well.
*Bruce Wayne, Alfred and Dick watch security film of Mr Freeze’s real identity. He was the olympic athlete turned biochemist Dr. Victor Fries. His wife Nora (Vendela Kirsebom Thomessen) contracted a deadly illness and he put her into cryo-sleep until he could find a cure. He then got electrocuted and fell into his own cryo pool. His body mutated and he needs diamonds to keep his body at 0 degrees to survive*
Warlock: Hmmmm, so he’s like Harvey Dent. He’s a good guy who’s in the wrong place at the wrong time, now he blames Batman for everything!
D: No, he doesn’t blame Batman, he just wants to save his wife.
*Bruce has a flashback of himself when he was younger falling down and Alfred picking him up*
D: That was the worst looking fall.
Warlock: He didn’t want to take a bump.
*Poison Ivy busts in on Woodrue. She explains her lips are full of poison and she kisses Woodrue dead. She cuts a promo on how plants will take back the world*
Warlock: So she’s another Catwoman where her boss turns on her and she goes nuts looking for revenge?
D: You see a pattern developing?
*Freeze hangs out as his lair. His gang are nearly frozen. One of them (Stephen Ito) refuses to sing. Miss B Haven (Vivicia Fox) tries to hit on him but he says he’s in love with his wife. Freeze calls for Frosty (Joe Sabatino) and reveals his evil plan to take over Gotham and freeze it so he can find a cure. He goes into a secret room where his wife is in stasis. “Soon we will be together once more. Soon”
Warlock: Not much of a heel if his plan is to save someone’s life.
*Barbara Wilson (Alicia Silverstone) rings the doorbell. Bruce calls for Alfred but he’s nowhere to be found*
D: “God dammit Alfred what do I pay you for?”
*Alfred emerges and says sorry he overslept*
D: “You’re fired!”
*Dick opens the door and sees Barbara. “Please tell me you’re here for me.” She says she’s looking for Alfred, her uncle. She gives backstory that her parents died and she was raised by her grandmother. Bruce invites Barbara to live with them and Alfred complains. Bruce and Dick are happy*
D: “I’ll show you my…special room.
*Barbara and Alfred share bonding moments*
Warlock: If nothing else we get character development.
*Barbara dons biker gear and sneaks out the window. She steals a bike and rides off*
Warlock: Stealing a bike from the most powerful man in the world?
*Gossip Gerty (Elizabeth Sanders) reports Batman will be presented with an award in Gotham Observatory. Ivy and Bane are on their way. Dr. Isley shows up and confronts Bruce. Bruce says Dr. Woodrue was a lunatic and is glad his lab burnt down. Isley cuts a promo about how the planet is dying and humans are destroying it. Bruce says if they do things her way millions of people will die. Isley says its acceptable losses*
D: “Yeah, millions of people, no big deal.”
*Isley cuts a promo as she’s walking away from Bruce saying she’s going to take over Gotham*
D: Yeah, nobody can hear me in this missile silo.
*Freeze watches his wedding video. Frosty walks in with a newspaper and Freeze shoots him. “I hate when people talk during the movie.” He finishes the video and says “One more diamond.” He looks at the newspaper Frosty was holding that says Bruce Wayne is donating diamonds and gets an idea*
Warlock: Bait taken.
*Batman and Robin are auctioning off diamonds when Poison Ivy in a Gorilla suit does a striptease for the crowd. Robin can’t believe his eyes*
D: Doesn’t get much more hotter than that costume.
Warlock: Grayson is about to cream himself.
*Ivy introduces herself and blows Batman a kiss. She then blows Robin one too*
D: Its a serum.
*Ivy takes the diamonds and puts them around her neck. Batman and Robin outbid each other when Freeze busts in and starts freezing people. Everyone scatters as Batman and Robin fight off the Ice Thugs. Suddenly Freeze confronts Ivy and she blows him a kiss. He says “Pheromone dust, designed to warm up the heart….doesn’t work on the cold blooded, hand over the diamonds.”
*Freeze grabs the diamonds and leaves as Batman and Robin continue fighting off the thugs. Freeze makes his exit as Bane reveals himself with Ivy*
Warlock: Great, Its 3 against 2. Bane, Ivy and Freeze against Batman and Robin. What a Survivor Series.
*Batman and Robin take off after Freeze. Batman turns off Robin’s bike so he can’t make a dangerous jump. He screams in anger*
Warlock: This means war!
*Batman finally captures Freeze. Next frame Robin confronts Batman about trust. Robin quits and storms off. Meanwhile Alfred is sending a will to his brother he can’t find*
*Bruce asks Alfred if he’s really too selfish and Alfred says yes and explains why. Later Barbara returns with the bike and takes down Dick with a judo flip*
D: That’ll teach him.
*Barbara runs off and we cut to Arkham Asylum*
Warlock: Wouldn’t Riddler be in there?
D: Yeah actually.
*Freeze is thrown in a cell by two guards (Jesse “The Body” Ventura and Ralf Moeller). Jesse calls him Frost Face*
Warlock: This movie may set a record for most United States Governors in one movie.
D: Well Jesse and Arnold were both in Predator and The Running Man.
Warlock: Aww crap, you’re right.
*Ivy talks with Bane wearing a trench coat and fedora. Bane crashes into a wall and the Ultimate Warrior gang is there. Bane scares them all away as Ivy redecorates with her ivy. Meanwhile Bruce and Jane (Julie Michaels) are on a date. Bruce kisses her but sees Ivy instead. He calls out Ivy and Jane doesn’t like it. Dick tries to identify her as Barbara rides off again. Dick takes off in hot pursuit*
Warlock: Yeah this is gonna end well.
*Barbara runs into Banker (Coolio) and enters a bike race against Spike (Nicky Katt). Dick enters as well and the race begins*
Warlock: Love how Coolio is randomly here.
*Spike and Barbara go neck and neck with Grayson trailing. Spike’s gang cheats to wipe out the competition. Grayson and Barbara go flying and they reveal themselves to each other. Back at Wayne Manor she explains why she’s a street racer. She says she was kicked out of Oxford for racing. Barbara then reveals that she’s there to get Alfred out of there because she doesn’t like how Bruce treats him. She says he’s really sick and walks off. Bruce from behind says he’s not sick, he’s dying. Dick can’t believe it*
D: “Who’s gonna do the dishes? Who’s gonna clean the bat suits?”
*In his cell Freeze makes a snowglobe. Ivy visits him and blows kisses to both guards. She kisses Ralf and Jesse, killing them both. Bane busts through the storage locker where Riddler and Two Face’s clothes are*
Warlock: Great reference. Only one problem….
D: Two Face died in Batman Forever.
*Ivy and Bane are there to bail out Freeze. Freeze arms himself and blows through a wall and they all jump below*
D: Hope he can swim.
*Bruce confronts Alfred about his illness. Later Batman and Robin hit up Freeze’s lair and find Nora. The trio of terror are below. Ivy says she’ll take out Batman and Robin as the pheromones go through the air vent. Batman takes on Bane as Ivy tries to seduce Robin. Then Batman switches with Robin. Freeze makes a beeline for his wife as Commissioner Gordon goes for the kill switch. Finally Ivy seduces Robin as Bane makes his exit. Robin and Batman fight and the heels get away. Batman pushes Robin into an ice cream vat. Ivy then hits the kill switch on Nora, goes back to Freeze and says Batman did it. He believes her and says he’s going to destroy the world*
Warlock: Love how he believes her.
*Freeze tells Ivy to distract the Bat and Bird while he prepares to freeze Gotham. Meanwhile a dying Alfred is visited by Dick and Barbara. He has stage 1 of McGregor’s Syndrome. Even Bruce is distraught. Dick and Bruce talk about how Alfred has what Nora has only on a smaller scale. It can be cured. Dick then goes delusional about Ivy loves him and he’s sick of being in the shadow. Meanwhile with Barbara by his side, Alfred’s dying wish is to find his brother Wilfred and hand him a package*
Warlock: Oh geez, now what?
*Isley seduces Gordon at the Observatory into giving away the Bat signal’s location. While she seduces Gordon, Bruce catches whiff of the pheromones. Meanwhile Freeze and the Ice Thugs pack for battle. Bane destroys the bat signal and turns it into a Robin signal*
Warlock: Come on….
*Barbara tries to hack her way into the encrypted cd Alfred gave her. Meanwhile Bruce visits Alfred. They share bonding moments. Meanwhile Barbara cracks the code and discovers his research for new Batman stuff. Meanwhile Robin is still delusional but Bruce breaks through to get him to trust him*
Warlock: What the hell?
*Bane and Freeze hijack the observatory and start building a giant freeze cannon. Meanwhile Barbara goes to the Batcave*
D: How many intruders are there?
*Alfred’s simulation allows Barabara access and she has her own batsuit. She suits up as the camera zooms in on her ass*
D and Warlock: Yum….
*Robin drives to Ivy’s lair and confronts her. Robin wants Ivy to turn over a new leaf*
*Robin tricks Ivy into giving away her secret and the evil plan. She kisses Robin…and nothing happens. Robin had on rubber lips. She shoves him into an ivy water pit. Batman confronts her and her vines tie him up. All of sudden Barbara busts in as Batgirl and they fight one on one. Ivy reveals she killed Nora to Batgirl. Batgirl kicks Ivy into her own Venus Fly Trap*
Warlock: Little Shop of Horrors motherfucker.
*Barbara: “Its me guys.” Robin “Guess we’ll just have to kill her.” Batman “Yup, we’ll kill her later.”
Warlock: I’d love to see that.
*Freeze “Let’s kick some ice”
*Freeze turns Gotham into a giant ice cube as the trio of heroes race to stop him*
Warlock: Ready for the big climax?
D: Yeah…hopefully its not Halloween Havoc Warrior/Hogan bad.
*Freeze tells Bane to kill Batgirl and Robin but leave Batman to him*
Warlock: Time to fight.
*Batman fights off Freeze as Batgirl saves Robin with a batarang. Meanwhile Batman makes the big comeback. Batgirl and Robin are snatched by Bane. Robin and Batgirl kick the tube out of his head. He turns back into Antonio Diego. Meanwhile Batman knocks Freeze off a platform and uses the freeze cannon to ricochet off satellites to unfreeze Gotham*
*Freeze hits his insurance policy, a giant bomb that blows the observatory. Batman, Robin and Batgirl use their harpoons to make it to safety. Batgirl then unfreezes Gotham completely*
D: This is what would happen if Ed Wood made a superhero movie.
*Freeze asks Batman to kill him like he killed his wife. Batman reveals she’s not dead, he got to her just in time. He plays a tape of Ivy admitting to it. Batman then calls him by his real name and begs for his help to cure McGregor Syndrome. Freeze pulls two vials out of his arm. “Take two of these and call me in the morning”
Warlock: A face turn!
D: Not a cold joke? Its a fuckin miracle.
*Bruce hooks up the vial to Alfred and hopes he’s okay*
*Freeze is Ivy’s cellmate at Arkham. He says her life will be a living hell. Winter has come at last*
Warlock: You spoke too soon.
*Alfred walks over to Barbara and Bruce, he’s cured. Dick runs over and asks why Batman didn’t save him. Bruce says he can do it on his own. Dick thanks him. Barbara says they’re all partners now. End credits*
Thug D’s Assessment: 2 out of 10: Trash…..its the fucking blueprint on how to kill a franchise. Batman Forever was good for its time, but they didn’t even fix those problems, they just added to them here. Its a steaming pile of shit. Horrible movie.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5 out of 10….to me I had fun even if it was too cheesy for words. The ice jokes got a little old and there was WAY too much supporting talent to be THIS bad. George Clooney showed zero emotion at all but then again, he’s not supposed to. When you have Coolio, Governor Arnold, Jesse The Body, Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Pat Hingle, Ralf Moeller and Michael Gough in the same movie and most people think its trash, what does that tell you?
Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10: Trash
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that was was disappointing. The Tim Burton/cheesy Batman series ended with a whimper following this movie after each one following the 1988 adaption was a step down from the prior. The good news was the series went away long enough for fans to get the bad taste out of their mouths in time for the big return to seriousness with Batman Begins in 2005. Once again, this movie had way too much talent to be this downward. Its still worth a watch but only if you know what you’re getting into. That about wraps up another suerhero adventure. Have a pleasant evening.