*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Ooga Booga on the front and OOGA BOOGA written on the back, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. he’s holding a diamond studded goblet of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and walks into the lair*
Warlock: Tonight we complete half of the 6 Pack Horror Collection Mr. Wallstreet sent us. After the first two duds, something HAS to be good right?
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: You’re asking for way too much.
Warlock: Possibly. Tonight’s tale is RISE OF THE GARGOYLES.
America: Please tell me you’re talking about the cartoon.
Warlock: No I’m not talking about the cartoon. I’m talking about the 2009 Sci-Fi special.
*America double facepalms*
America: Oh dear lord, more torture.
Warlock: Have some pride man! Remember our motto, “We watch the the moviess”
America: ….”So they don’t have to”
Warlock: That’s more like it!
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s kick off Rise of The Gargoyles.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Mankind’s worst fear is about to be unleashed”
America: This is going to be petrifying.
*graphic reads Paris, France*
Warlock: Great, ready to go to Paris?
*Two construction workers (Constantin Barbulescu and Gabriel Spahiu) are digging in a tunnel*
Warlock: Hi ho, hi ho, you’re such an ugly moe
America: Let me guess, this is how we unleash the gargoyles.
Warlock: Nothing gets by you.
*Two guys find a gargoyle hidden in a secret room they uncover*
Warlock: There’s the star of the movie.
*Two guys find artifacts not touched for hunreds of years and start looting*
America: Don’t take the stuff.
*Two guys find a cross then an abandoned shaft. They enter the shaft*
America: Of course
*Something cuts the first worker in half in the shaft. The second runs. A CGI gargoyle chases him and pulls him inside. Opening credits*
Warlock: Great, more CGI monsters.
*Professor Jack Randall (Eric Balfour) gives an oral history of gargoyles. The class is bored. His friend Carol Beckham (Tanya Clarke) gives him a B- on his own paper. Two kids makeout on a street. His published work was rejected*
America: The makeout kid’s head isn’t even moving.
*Jack says he lost the custody battle for his kids to his ex-wife. He gets one phone call a month*
Warlock: Wow, he got screwed.
*Carol invites Jack to check out an old church that’s being torn down*
Warlock: Oh boy, the same church from before.
*Carol breaks in and asks Jack to come check it out since it’ll be dust in a week*
Warlock: At least they’re progressing.
*Carol says two workers were found dead but not to worry about it. Jack says “Wait, what?”
America: Hahaha that’s a pretty sensible reaction.
Warlock: Yeah, we have one highlight.
*Carol has a flashlight and a camera, Jack brings a flashlight. Jack and Carol find engravings that were sculpted longer than France itself was around*
Warlock: At least that sounds cool.
*Jack finds the hidden chamber from earlier*
America: I love how there’s no natural light yet the place is well lit.
*Jack turns around and dramatic music plays as he walks into a stone gargoyle*
America: That was supposed to be a jump scare? That’s sucked.
*Jack finds pagan markings in the wall*
Warlock: Paganism was supposed to be supplanted by Christianity in the early 4th century. So this shit is a thousand years old at least.
America: Nice job,historian…peh.
*Carol picks up the shit the workers tried to loot earlier*
Warlock: Well if they kill them, there’s no movie.
America: Soo…they’re not gonna kill them! That’s why any attempt to scare the audience is stupid as hell.
*Jack records a gargoyle attacking him, he runs and screams for Carol. He runs into her and they run out*
Warlock: See? No movie if they died.
*Jack tries to explain himself to her and she doesn’t believe him*
Warlock: This acting sucks.
America: His or hers?
Warlock: Doesn’t matter.
*The church growls and the two drive away*
Warlock: The church growled?
*At a diner, Jack wonders why there were gargoyles inside the church instead of outside. He says this is pre-Christianity*
Warlock: What did I just get through saying?
*Jack investigates his car. Its completely destroyed. A body drops on the hood*
Warlock: Why is there a body randomly dropping?
America:More like a mannequin.
*Inspector Gilbert (Ifan Huw Dafydd) in a 30’s fedora and trench coat says its peculiar something like this happened. The reporter Nicole Ricard (Caroline Neron) tries to get a scoop but both Gilbert and Jack blow her off*
Warlock: She’s so hot.
*Carol hides the artifacts she looted in her kitchen cabinet. The power immediately goes out*
Warlock: This is a great movie to show kids. “Look kids, don’t steal!”
*Carol lights some candles*
America: Holy shit! Common sense! How many movies have we seen where the lights go out and the idiots just wander around aimlessly in the dark screaming “Hello? Hello?”
*Carol hears a noise and screams “Hello?”
America: Ugh, nevermind. If you know there’s an uninvited guest, why scream “hello?” and alert them to your presence.
Warlock: Ring the….
America: Cowbell…..cowbell logic at its worst.
*A mouse walks by and scares Carol*
*She ignores it to see her window wide open*
Warlock: She has a rodent infestation and she’s not gonna do anything?
America: She has bigger problems to worry about.
*A gargoyle attacks and she climbs out a window, we get an up-robe ass shot*
Warlock: Ok that was cool.
*She screams for help as a gargoyle flies by and decapitates her. The head rolls down the roof*
Warlock: OHHH YEAH! That was cool.
*Jack calls Carol and gets no answer. He wanders the street the next day*
Warlock: Hi diddly dee, an actor’s life for me.
America: That has no relevance at all.
*Jack walks upstairs to her apartment complex*
America: She also could have ducked if she wasn’t so panic stricken.
*Jack spots all the blood in the room and steps in it*
America: Congratulations, you just made yourself a suspect.
*Inspector Gilbert says Jack will be returned to the US once the investigation is over. Gilbert asks about their background. Gilbert interrogates him. Jack asks why he’s a suspect. Gilbert says on the two occasions he’s seen Jack, a dead body has been found*
Warlock: Yup, he’s right there.
*Gilbert says bodies related to the church are popping up everywhere and gargoyles are Jack’s specialty. He tells Jack that he can go*
Warlock: Now he’s a suspect.
*Some girl (Alexandra Buza) spots a gargoyle in an alley and it kills her, spraying fake looking blood on the wall*
Warlock: That looked totally fake.
*Jack goes over his gargoyle research.and spot something wrong*
Warlock: What did he see? The camera was too dark.
*Father Gable (Nick Mancuso) is thrown out of the church demolition site. Gable says the place has great historical significance*
Warlock: Hopefully they explain something.
*Jack says the gargoyle on the roof is gone and Gable blows him off*
Warlock: Wow, what an asshole.
*Gilbert finds the remains of the dog and girl scattered in the alley. His assistant (Paul Niculita) says he found the head. Gilbert “This is not possible”
Americ: Oh yes it is.
*Jack watches Nicole on the news saying a UFO sighting is possible. Next day at the station, Nicole is pissed at Walsh (Justin Salinger). Jack calls Nicole and says he’s on his way to talk about the recent events*
Warlock: Why doesn’t the gargoyle attack him again?
*Jack walks by Gilbert who is tailing him. Meanwhile Gable has killed a woman and points a sniper rifle at a construction worker*
Warlock: What the hell????
*Gilbert interrogates Jack about the murder and tries to get him to confess by saying Carol ruined his career. Jack says what Gilbert is looking for is an animal, not him or a man and leaves*
Warlock: Can’t blame Gilbert.
*Jack confronts Nicole at her desk with Walsh behind her. He tries to tell them the gargoyle is killing people and they don’t believe him. Jack hands him the camera and asks Walsh to look at it. If there’s nothing on it then he’ll go, but if there is something, call him. Walsh is skeptical but Nicole says if there IS something then they may have something*
Warlock: Cops are gonna be crawling all over.
*Nicole sneaks into Carol’s apartment with 2 different cops looking the other way*
Warlock: That was the worst perimeter I’ve ever seen.
*Nicole snoops around looking for clues. She snaps pics of the crime scene*
Warlock: I love how there was no crime scene tape anywhere.
*Jack goes back to the church as Nicole continues to snap pics. She finds the artifacts Carol hidden. One of them is glowing*
Warlock: That’s interesting.
America: Are they trying to say this is the offspring of this thing so that’s why its pissed?
Warlock: That would make sense.
*Nicole puts the glowing rock in her bag. Back at her office she looks over Jack’s book he wrote on gargoyles. Meanwhile Walsh shouts for Nicole, he found the gargoyle. Jack was right all along*
Warlock:Wow, they believed him.
*Back at the church, Father Gable walks inside with a gun. Jack follows him*
Warlock: I don’t think shooting it is going to help.
America: If anything you’re just gonna piss it off.
*Walsh texts Jack to meet them at the station. Nicole leaves to go pick him up and leaves Walsh behind. Not long after the gargoyle appears*
Warlock: Saw that coming.
*Jack calls Walsh and says he’s already there. He walks in but Nicole misses him and keeps walking to her car. Jack meets Walsh and talk about it as Nicole spots it*
Warlock: Shit just hit the fan.
*Walsh calls Nicole and says Jack is there. The gargoyle attacks and she ducks*
Warlock and America: SHE DUCKED!!!!
America: Told you!
*Walsh and Jack hear her distress on the phone and run downstairs. Meanwhile Nicole hides in her car until the gargoyle attacks. She dives under a jeep, grabs the glowing rock and throws it away. Walsh hands Jack a gun and he takes potshots at it. The gargoyle hisses, picks up the rock and flies away*
Warlock: Good call.
*Nicole says it had to have been an egg. Jack goes to Gilbert and he doesn’t believe their gargoyle story*
Warlock: The Ice Cream Man Police would believe him.
*Gilbert says he thought Jack did it, but instead it was “ze boogyman”
America: The boogeyman is well traveled, apparently its been to France.
*Gilbert says they’re wasting his time and Jack says “YOU came to ME for help.” He knocks over a chair and leaves*
Warlock: Yeah show that chair who’s boss.
*Walsh outside reveals his computer was wiped out and he lost the footage Jack shot. Nicole asks what do they do now? Jack says he knows where she got it. Meanwhile a hot secretary (Florin Busuioc) hands Gilbert another gargoyle egg*
America: And there’s egg number two.
*Back at the church, Walsh, Nicole and Jack enter*
Warlock: Oh yeah, I forgot Gable is still there.
*Gable pulls his rifle on Jack and crew. Jack says he’s not with the construction crew, he wants to talk about the gargoyle. Gable “Then you knowwww”
Warlock: Great acting…not.
*Gable says he found a dead body to use as bait. Walsh calls him “one seriously messed up individual”
America: That’s the wrong kind of bait.
*Gable says when his old pastor died, he could see the fear in his eyes. The pastor’s dying words was “wait for the beast.” In Sumerian times, a gargoyle was a half god/half devil. Its been sleeping for a thousand years. The construction workers woke it up*
Warlock: Nice going assholes.
*Gable says its a gargoyle from hell. He failed to stop it. Jack says they have to stop it somehow. Flashlights and bullets won’t work*
America: He’s right.
*Gilbert finds yet another blood trail. The blood is going upwards. Gilbert starts to figure out that Jack may be right about gargoyles. Gilbert climbs to the roof and spots a gargoyle. He then finds the headless body over his head. Gilbert pulls out the glowing egg and the gargoyle kills him off-screen*
America: I wouldn’t worry about being the prime suspect anymore,the inspector is dead.
*Walsh brought a strobe light to block its urban camoflouge. Nicole asks how do they kill it. Gable says his rifle fires armored piercing rounds, it’ll go right through stone. The dart gun will establish a GPS system if they can tag him. Nicole says how can they find it? Gable pulls out an egg of his own*
Warlock: How many eggs are there?
*Nicole grabs the egg and volunteers to be the bait. She places the glowing egg on the ground and the gargoyle flies by. Nicole ducks as Walsh shoots the dart gun, Gable shoots the rifle. The gargoyle flies off with the egg but not after Gable shoots the egg. Walsh tagged the gargoyle and they got a signal*
America: Yeah, not to mention someone must have heard the shots and have called the cops by now.
*Back at the church, Gable says they must find the nest and destroy it*
Warlock: They have 25 minutes to do it.
*Nicole asks Jack if her story can have a happy ending*
Warlock: Oh please.
*Jack and Walsh enter the church and Jack says its not there. Walsh says maybe the GPS popped out. Walsh hears growling. Jack “Its underneath us, its in the crypt”
Warlock: Is the cryptkeeper down there too?
*Nicole spots Gable strapping himself with dynamite. Nicole says he’s gonna blow them all up and she runs inside to warn Walsh*
Warlock: Suicide bombing is Allah, not God. Idiot….
America: I don’t think he intends to die, I think he’s prepared to. Think about it, if he planned to do it, he would have detonated as soon as he walked inside. He’s probably got a hair trigger somewhere.
Warlock: Or maybe he just has a rubber duck he can throw.
America: What….the hell? Ughhhh
*Jack tells Walsh to stick close by*
America: What? You mean DON’T split up?
Warlock: Wow, this movie has some logic.
*Gable follows Jack and Walsh*
America: These characters actually have logic, I’m impressed.
*Walsh figures out they’re lost. Jack says to stay close and watch the strobe light.Meanwhile Nicole runs into Jack. Jack is mad she didn’t stay. Nicole warns him that Gable intends to kamikaze the nest*
Warlock: Very interesting choice of words
*Nicole and Jack stop as the gargoyle sniffs around. Walsh and Gable press on. Nicole and Jack run to catch up with them. Walsh and Gable enter the crypt. Walsh freezes and Gable backs up. Nicole and Jack walk up to it. Gable shoots the gargoyle and it turns to go after him. Walsh, Nicole and Jack make it upstairs and through a shaft. Jack falls into a pit of human remains*
Warlock: They’ve found the nest.
*Jack and Nicole drop down, Jack tells Walsh to go back and find Gable*
America: He’s got the strobe so he should be good.
*Walsh says Gable is gone, he tosses Jack the strobe and he jumps into the pit. Nicole steps on an intestine and freaks. The eggs begin to glow all around the room. Jack smiles and says they found them. Jack, Walsh and Nicole use the strobe and a huge brick to smash all the eggs*
America: I hope they have a fresh battery in that strobe.
*The gargoyle is on its way as Walsh and Nicole barricades the door as Jack continues to smash the eggs. Jack, Walsh and Nicole make a run for the shaft. Walsh “She’s really pissed off now!” The gargoyle smashes through the barricade*
*Walsh “What do we do now?”
America: Keep moving.
*Jack says to wait for daylight and run for it. Walsh says that’s an hour away, they can’t hold out that long. A stoned hand punches through the wall as they hear gunshots. Jack says they need to go help Gable. Walsh and Nicole want to leave. Jack rallies them by saying if this thing lives, people will die. Walsh “What the hell, we’ve come this far. Let’s do it.”
Warlock: Time for the big finale?
*Nicole, Walsh and Jack enter a room. Gable pops up and says “You injured it.” Gable starts shooting randomly. Jack “Are you trying to kill us?” Gable “Only if I have to”. Jack turns on the strobe. Walsh turns on a video camera as Gable turns on the bomb. He shouts he’s the last guardian of the church. The gargoyle picks Gable up and drops him. Jack freezes him with the UV light but the battery dies. Nicole pops a spare in and re-freezes it. Gable pulls out an egg and says “This is the last one.” He tells Jack, Nicole and Walsh to run for it. They all run out and Gable detonates himself along with the gargoyle and the nest*
*Jack says this would have been a great book. Nicole says this would have launched them to CNN. Walsh pulls out a small tape and says they still have this. Nicole hugs him. End credits*
Warlock: No cliche ending, I love it.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 5. Well, if you can look past the poor cgi and some of the predictability it actually was a decent movie
The Warlock’s Assessment: I hate to say it but that was about as good as it gets from low budget made for TV movies with “special effects”. You had characters with common sense, you had an easy to follow storyline. You had hot looking women. I give it a 6 out of 10, I actually liked it.
Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average.
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Wow, we found a hidden gem. This may actually be the only movie out of this six pack that was actually worth watching. It wasn’t great but it wasn’t the shitstains the other two were. If nothing else at least we got one. That about wraps up another averagetastic adventure……wait.
*Warlock pulls his sunglasses off*
Warlock: Ironic….have a pleasant evening.