*The Warlock is sitting in his 1958 Plymouth Fury thinking about the past. He flashes back to his youth when he was watching a movie with his father, The Grand Wizard*
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A film crew goes to a tropical island for an exotic location shoot and discovers a colossal giant gorilla who takes a shine to their female blonde star. Then he’s captured and brought back to New York City for public exhibition.”
Wizard: Yeah, locked up in chains, how unusual.
*Movie begins with a 4 minute overture*
Wizard: GET ON WITH IT!
Warlock: Yeah really.
*Opening credits have the same song from the overture*
Warlock: Sound familiar?
*Graphic “And lo, the beast looked upon the face of beauty. And it stayed its hand from killing. And from that day, it was as one dead”
Wizard: In other words, when the beast saw beauty, the killing machine died.
*New York harbor in 1933. Charles Weston (Sam Hardy) looks for the Venture. He runs into some guy (Harry Keaton) who claims Carl Denham (Robert Armstrong) is a tough film director that goes into the wild to shoot his pictures. He says the voyage is crazy because the cargo is too large with a crew too large. The ship’s X.O. Jack Driscoll (Bruce Cabot) asks who’s there and Weston answers with his name. Driscoll tells him to come on up*
Wizard: So it begins.
*Captain Englehorn (Frank Reicher) says they have too much ammunition to stick around. He’s loaded with rifles and gas bombs. He says they need to shoot the picture now before monsoon season. Englehorn “There’s only one Carl Denham”. Weston walks in. Denham introduces everyone. Weston says he can’t find a girl to hire for the picture because of his bad behavior*
Warlock: Very bad behavior.
*Weston says the girl will be on board with the toughest mugs he ever knew. Carl says there are more girls in more danger tonight in NYC than there will be with him. Denham says he needs a girl and Weston says he can’t help. Denham goes out to get one, even if he has to marry one*
Wizard: He won’t need to look far.
*Denham hits up the local soup kitchen but everyone out there looks haggard, fat and tough*
Warlock: Why is it so packed?
Wizard: Middle of the Depression?
Warlock: Oh yeah, 1933.
*Ann Darrow (Fay Wray) looks at fruit in a fruit stand but the overzealous owner (Paul Porcasi) thinks she’s stealing and goes to call the police. Denham intervenes, hands him a dollar and says to scram. Ann nearly faints and Denham has to hold her up. He looks into her eyes and sees how beautiful she is*
Warlock: She can barely stand.
Wizard: Nobody alive today can truly understand how bad the Depression was.
*Denham takes her to a local diner to talk business. He wants her in the movie but she’s skeptical. He then realizes why she’s skeptical and says this is strictly business. He introduces himself as the movie director to calm her down. He says he’s not interested in her romantically. “Just trust me and keep your chin up*
Warlock: That would never go well these days.
*Driscoll orders everyone around on the ship. Ann walks up to him and nearly takes her out with a left cross*
Warlock: What an asshole.
*Driscoll admits that women on ships are a nuisance but apologizes for the punch. He admits she’s tough to be still standing. They shove off*
Warlock: She takes a better punch than Peter McNeely.
*Ann chats with Charlie the Cook (Victor Wong). She loves the view as Jack walks up. He continues to degrade her. Jack “Women can’t help but be a bother”
Wizard: Yeah really.
*Ann says she’s having a great time. He says “Don’t you think the skipper is a sweet old lamb?” Jack “Hahaha, I’d hate to have him hear me say that.”
Warlock and Wizard: Hahahahaha
*Ann pets Iggy the monkey as Carl calls it beauty and the beast. Jack wants to know where they’re going. Carl has no idea what’s going to do when they get there. Jack feels bad for Ann and Denham says to cut out the love affair. Jack says he’s not going to fall for her, Carl thinks otherwise*
Wizard: Great foreshadowing.
*Denham says the plot of his movie is about beast being tamed by beauty. The second mate runs down and says Englehorn has reached the position Denham requested. Carl goes up with with Skipper and Jack to talk about what’s going on. Denham says they’re way west of Sumatra. Denham says to go southwest. He pulls out a map and says a skipper of a Norwegian bark drew it. He picked up a canoe full of natives and one of them was alive. He died but not before telling the skipper about Skull Mountain Island and drawing what it looks like. Denham describes the island saying a 40 foot high stone wall cuts off the rest of the island. Something is on the other side of it that the natives fear*
Warlock: Gee, wonder what that could be?
*Denham “Did you ever hear of Kong?” Skipper “Why yes…Some native superstition isn’t it? A god or spirit or something.” Denham says its alive on the island and he intends to find it*
Wizard: Be careful what you wish for.
*Skipper and Jack wonder how Denham is going to photograph Kong. Denham “Now you know why I brought along those cases of gas bombs*
Warlock: Nice insurance.
*Ann does her rehearsal for Denham. She looks amazing in costume*
Wizard: She’s a real looker.
Warlock: Oh yeah.
*Skipper and Jack watch from above. Meanwhile Charlie and two others watch. Denham explains he does the camera work himself because the last time he hired a cameraman, he had a great shot of a charging rhino lined up but the guy ran away even though Carl was standing there with a rifle*
Warlock: I can picture that.
Wizard: Complete coward.
*Ann does a test scream. Everyone is impressed*
Warlock: That just pierced my ears.
Wizard: She made a living off of that.
*Jack grabs Skipper “What’s he think she’s really going to see?” They run into fog and Denham doesn’t like it*
Warlock: Damn fog.
*The crew says no bottom at 30 feet but by the deep 20. Carl hears something off in the distance,its drums. Next frame is Skull Mountain with a kickass trumpet theme*
Warlock: I like this song.
Wizard: Very powerful.
*Skipper/Englehorn hears chanting and drums. Denham says they should go to shore. Skipper says 12 men go with him, the rest stay aboard. Denham wants Skipper go with him to translate in case he recognizes native language. Skipper calls his 3rd in command Mr. Adams (Ethan Laidlaw) and says he has the ship while he’s away. Ann says she’s coming too*
Warlock: Noooo, leave her there.
*Jack protests Ann going but Denham says he’s running the show. Denham loads up a skiff with rifles,bombs, camera crew and a group of men. They hit the shoreline. Jack, Ann, Skipper, Denham and a host of others make their way to the origin of the drums. Ann says the native canoes are “queer looking boats”
Warlock: Good luck saying that now.
*Denham’s crew gets closer and Denham gets excited when he sees the wall. Denham hears chanting and says to follow. He recognizes the name “Kong, Kong”. Skipper recognizes the language as Nias. Denham pulls back a bush and a native ceremony is taking place. A group of native dressed as gorillas dance in a circle as the Chief (Noble Johnson) looks on with fierce warriors. Denham grabs the camera and starts filming until the Chief spots him and halts the ceremony, A crewmember says to beat it and Driscoll bags him.*
*Chief and his warriors make his way toward Denham’s crew. Skipper translates, Chief tells them to get lost because the ceremony is ruined. Skipper asks what’s going on, Chief says the girl being dressed in flower petals is the bride of Kong. The witch doctor (Steve Clemente) runs up to the Chief and says something*
Warlock: Sounds like “They are disgusting”
Wizard: Look at them, they’re one to talk.
*Denham says “Friend, friend” and the natives walk closer. Chief spots Ann and says the golden women. Carl “Yeah blondes are scarce around here.” Chief wants to buy Ann, he’ll trade 6 of his women for Ann*
Warlock: Sounds like “Mind my potato”
Wizard: Mount on my potato.
*Skipper turns down the offer and the Chief is mad. They leave as Skipper says they’ll be back tomorrow. Carl whistles as he walks away*
Warlock: Keep your chin up.
*Jack admits he’s fallen for Ann and they kiss. Skipper tells him to get over there and he leaves Ann by the edge. All of a sudden a group of natives canoe their way by the ship. They board it and kidnap Ann, leaving behind a bracelet*
Wizard: Those dirty rotten scoundrels.
Warlock: They better go after her.
*Skipper and Denham notice a ceremony going on and half jokes about going to film it. Skipper tells him to forget it. Jack can’t find Ann. Charlie “When we leave this place, me no like”
Warlock and Wizard: Hahahahaha
*Charlie steps on the bracelet, picks it up and shouts “Everybody on deck, all hands on deck!” The entire crew scrambles and makes it to the deck. Charlie runs up to Skipper and hands Skipper the bracelet. Skipper “Native bracelet!” Charlie “Crazy black man been here!”
Warlock and Wizard: Hahahaha
*Ann is missing and they search the ship, they can’t find her. Driscoll says she’s been kidnapped and to go to shore. Skipper says to man the rifles and the boats*
Warlock: Its go time.
*Charlie wants to go and Mr. Adams tells him to get lost. Most of the crew go ashore, meanwhile the natives hold another ceremony as Ann is dressed as the bride of Kong. They open the stone wall and tie her to a pillar just inside of it. The natives escape back through the wall, close it, then climb to the top of it. Chief has his minions bang a gong and calls for Kong. After a minute loud roaring is heard*
Wizard: Uh oh.
*Kong finally appears…its a giant gorilla. Ann screams her head off. Kong unties her and roars at the natives before leaving with Ann. Englehorn’s sailors make it to the wall and Jack makes a face when he sees Kong*
The sailors rig the wall open while the natives are busy celebrating on top. Denham, Driscoll and half the men run into the jungle while Skipper stays behind with the other half and wait for them*
Warlock: And the natives just let them go?
Wizard: They explain later.
*Denham’s crew follows the giant footprints of Kong until they spot a Stegosaurus in the distance. It roars and charges but the men with rifles and bombs shoot it down twice. A shot to the eye by Denham finishes it*
Warlock: I thought that was a plant eater, where did the sharp teeth come from?
Wizard: It was 1933, dinosaurs weren’t as well known about as they later would be.
*Driscoll “What do you call this thing?” Denham “I think its something from the dinosaur family.” Driscoll “Dinosaur eh?”
Warlock: Funny line.
*The sailors hear Kong tearing off through a swamp.They can’t follow on foot so they have to build a makeshift raft. They get it going and all the men pile on*
Warlock: How the hell did all of them fit on a makeshift raft?
Wizard: Its only a movie.
*As the raft gets underway, a brontosaurs shows up and tips the raft over. It starts attacking the crew as it frantically tries to swim away*
Warlock: Its funny because as you said, nobody knew which dinosaur was a meat or leaf eater then.
*The crew makes it ashore and run like hell. One guy falls behind. The brontosaurus in hot pursuit*
Warlock: Was it that fast? Oh yeah…only a movie.
Wizard: Now you get it.
*The guy who fell behind climbs a tree and the brontosaurus picks him off as the others get away*
Warlock: Sacrificed himself.
Wizard: Not really, he’s just an idiot.
*Kong makes it across a log overlooking a cliff and the crew makes its way toward it. Kong sets Ann down in a tree and goes to investigate. Denham catches himself on a tree and stays behind. Driscoll goes to lead the crew across the log but Kong is waiting for them. Driscoll makes it down a ledge as Kong shakes the giant log, one by one the sailors fall to their deaths. Just before he wipes out the last two, he shakes his head side to side*
Warlock: Hahahaa I love that, “Nooooooo”
*Kong wipes out the last one by dropping the entire log off the cliff*
Wizard: Say goodnight Dick. By the way, in an original script of the movie, the sailors were supposed to be alive and attacked by giant scorpions and spiders down in the pit.
Warlock: So they fell 40 feet and lived only for them to be killed by more giant things?
Wizard: Yeah, obviously that’s why they cut the idea.
*Kong goes for Driscoll but Jack pulls out a knife and stabs him in the hand, Kong feels the pain.*
*Another dinosaur makes its way up a rope and Driscoll frantically cuts it before it reaches him*
Warlock: Close call.
*Kong goes to finish Jack off but a T-Rex shows up to harass Ann. Kong takes off to defend her*
Wizard: Time for the big fight.
Warlock: In this corner, T-Rex and in this corner, Kong!
*Kong and T-Rex fight. The tree gets knocked over and Ann is trapped underneath. Kong gets the upperhand and snaps Rex’s jaw*
Warlock: Winner and still champion, Kong!
*Kong frees Ann and continues on with her. Jack climbs back up and Denham asks where he’s going. Jack says after her and tells him to go back. Jack takes off after Kong as Denham makes his way back*
Wizard: So Denham is supposed to swim across that swamp and go back the way he came all by himself with no guns with God knows what lurking around?
Warlock: Only a movie right?
Wizard: Even that’s unrealistic.
*Next scene is Denham back with Skipper, Adams and the men. He tells what happened and Skipper says Driscoll is done for. Skipper asks if the bombs will stop Kong and Denham says yes. He asks what happened with the natives and Skipper says they fired a few warning shots and everyone cleared out. Denham “Gunpowder’s something new in their lives.”
Wizard: Yeah, run you little cowards.
*Denham tells Briggs to take some men and keep a watch in case somebody shows up. They leave at dawn come hell or high water*
Warlock: Yeah, if its Kong, run like hell.
*Kong takes Ann back to his cave, Driscoll follows. He sets her down but she’s attacked by a giant snake. Kong and the snake fight with Kong winning by smashing it against a rock a bunch of times. He roars and pounds his chest*
Warlock: Winner and still champion, Kong!
*Kong takes Ann to a cliff overlooking the island. He pounds his chest and roars*
Wizard: This is my turf!
*Ann faints and Kong strips her. Jack sneaks his way up to where they are but gets Kong’s attention by knocking over a boulder. A giant pterodactyl attacks and tries to lift Ann away. Kong saves her and fights the thing*
Wizard: He’s mauling the fucking thing.
*Jack grabs Ann and they find a rope to climb down as Kong kills the pterodactyl. He throws it off the cliff and looks around but Ann is gone*
Warlock: Now he’s pissed.
*Kong pulls the rope back up but Jack and Ann jump for it, landing in the water 100 feet below*
Warlock: That should have killed them.
Wizard: Most definitely.
*Jack and Ann swim to safety, then Jack picks her up and runs with her. Next frame shows the sailors waiting around the wall. Briggs spots Jack and Ann so they open the wall and let he through*
Warlock: Yay they made it……through the forest of dinosaurs with no weapons.
*After Jack and Ann make it back, Denham says he wants to take Kong back to New York. He says they have something he wants. The look-out says Kong is coming and they shut the wall. They bang the gong to summon the natives. They all try to hold the door but Kong busts through in an iconic image*
Warlock: Everybody run.
Wizard: Look at them all scatter.
*The guy with the bomb runs away and Denham tries to get him back. Meanwhile some baby is laying on the ground by itself. A fat lady looks at it and screams*
Wizard: Do something bitch!
*Some native picks up the baby in time as Kong plows though the village. Some warriors chuck spears at him but no effect. He takes a branch and wipes out a villager with it then tosses it aside, crushing another. He picks up the native he whacked and puts him in his mouth*
Wizard: Ugh, tastes like shit!
*Kong wipes out the spear chuckers with his fists*
Warlock: Yeah take that.
*A villager drops and Kong smushes his head in*
*Kong smushes a female villager*
Wizard: Smushed her like a cigarette
*Denham heaves a gas bomb and Kong is out cold*
Warlock: Those bombs are powerful.
*Denham “We’re millionaires boys, I’ll share it with all of you! In a few months it’ll be up in lights on Broadway, Kong…THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD!”
Warlock: Went to his head pretty good.
*Sure enough, next frame is Broadway where Kong is being shown on Broadway. New York citizens protests the ticket prices. Backstage Jack and Ann talk about Carl and he’s in a coat and tie. Denham is in a tux with a top hat*
Warlock: What a hat!
*The press show up to interview the trio. Ann says Driscoll saved her, but Driscoll says Carl saved them. Carl says no, Ann is the story because without her, they wouldn’t have gotten Kong’s attention*
Warlock: This is not gonna end well.
*Denham stands on stage and delivers a speech and introduces Kong, the eighth wonder of the world. The curtain is raised and the crowd is stunned.Carl introduces Ann and calls her the bravest girl he’s ever known. He then introduces her fiancee Jack Driscoll*
Warlock: Kong’s face says it all.
*Denham says the press will now take pictures. The flashbulbs start pissing Kong off*
Warlock: Uh oh.
Wizard: Yeah he’s getting mad.
*After 30 seconds of flashing Kong breaks free from the chains and everyone scatters. Kong unchains himself as everyone scatters*
Wizard: Run you bastards, run.
*Kong busts through the theater as a car crashes*
*Kong picks up some random dude and puts him in his mouth*
*Kong spots a woman and climbs a building to go after her. He pulls a woman (Sandra Shaw) out, realizes its not Ann and drops her*
Wizard: She dead now.
*Jack brings Ann to a hotel room and Kong spots them*
Warlock: He’s like “Oh boy, I found her”
*Kong punches out Driscoll and pulls Ann out the window. He recognizes Ann’s scream and climbs with her. Jack runs into Carl and they go to the roof. Kong is already gone down to ground level. He spots a passing train and climbs on the tracks*
Warlock: All aboard.
*Kong sticks his head through the platform and the train crashes. Kong looks in on everyone and smashes the train with his free hand. Next frame a radio announcer (Jack Pratt) says Kong is climbing the Empire State building. Driscoll, Denham and the police wonder what to do. Driscoll says fighter planes should do the trick*
Warlock: And now for the end.
*Kong makes it to the top of the building as 4 attack planes make their way toward Kong. The machine gunner (George Daly) and the pilot (Merian C Cooper) break off into attack formation. Kong picks off one of the planes but the rest cause enough damage to weaken him. Kong falls off the top and onto the ledge. He knows done for so he picks up Ann, grunts and puts her down to safety, away from the planes*
Warlock: This is hard to watch.
Wizard: The symbolism is amazing.
*Kong falls off the building as Jack runs up and gets Ann. On the ground near Kong’s body Denham survey the damage. Cop “The airplanes got him.” Carl “Oh no, it wasn’t the airplanes, it was beauty killed the beast.” End credits
The Grand Wizard had no assessment.
The Warlock’s Assessment: 8 out of 10
Final Grade:8 out of 10
*Scene shifts back to present time. Warlock sits in his car with an unknown DVD in his hand and drives off*
To Be Continued